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helloalycia · 4 months

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𝐕𝐀𝐑𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐂𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐇 [𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄] — 𝐉𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐈𝐄 𝐓𝐀𝐘𝐋𝐎𝐑

summary: when Jackie surprises you with a kiss, you're excited at the possibility of what it could mean, only to discover she's got back together with her boyfriend the next day.

warning/s: implied internalised homophobia i suppose?

author's note: and here’s the third and final part - i hope you liked this one, loved writing for jackie 🥰 i have amother jackie one done and another in the works bc apparently i was super inspired recently lol, and i’ve also got some other stuff in progress. But the next thing I post is gonna be an alycia debnam carey imagine (gotta stick to my roots haha)

one / two / masterlist / wattpad

I groaned inwardly as I looked all around the darkroom, my locker and my school bag for my lens cap, but I just couldn't seem to find it. That's when I wondered if it could be in the bleachers on the soccer pitch – maybe it fell out of my pocket when I was shooting recently.

Like the lazy girl I was, I went outside with tunnel vision, immediately searching the bleachers for my lens cap, but I still couldn't find it. As I paused, looking up for a moment to think, I realised someone was on the pitch, and upon closer inspection at the waving figure, I realised it was Jackie. Huh.

When I climbed down from the bleachers, she jogged over to me with a confused expression, but smiling nonetheless.

"What are you doing here?" she asked breathlessly, a little sweaty from practice, and it was annoying because she still managed to look good.

"I lost my lens cap for my camera," I said with a sigh. "The last place I remember having it is here."

Her fingers played with her bottom lip as she glanced around. "Oh. That's annoying. Erm..."

"It's fine," I said, not wanting her to worry herself over it when it was my problem. "I'm just having a look around, but I don't think it's here. Might pick up a new one from the camera store. Anyway, what are you doing out here? Where's the team?"

At this, she rested her hands on her hips. "No practice on today, but I wanted to have some me time. Thought I'd put in some extra practice. I've finished now anyway."

I quirked a brow. "Isn't Shauna usually your lift? How you getting home?"

"Shauna is helping her parents with something," she said, before flashing me her signature smirk. "I was planning to flirt with some sophomores and get a ride."

I laughed, shaking my head. "Of course you were."

She winked playfully and, though I didn't doubt she could find some desperate sophomore to give her a ride, I couldn't just let her do that. Besides, it seemed she was getting lifts off me a lot lately, so what was one more to add to the list?

"I'm done in the dark room if you need a ride," I offered.

"Oh, I wasn't hinting at anything," she said, giving me a genuine smile, but I shook my head.

"I know, but still. I don't mind."

Appreciative, she nodded. "Thanks. Do I have time to shower?"

"You have all the time in world, darling," I said as I looked around. "I am still yet to find my lens cap."

She stifled a chuckle. "Good luck with that. I'll go clean up. Meet you at your car?"

I hummed in agreement, already mentally retracing my steps with my camera, and she left me to it. After spending half an hour more searching all around for my lens cap, I finally gave up and went to sulk in my car. It wasn't actually a big deal, especially because I could just buy a new one after dropping Jackie off, but it was the inconvenience of it all.

Not long after I got in my car, Jackie joined me, tossing her backpack in the backseat before sliding into the passenger's seat. Looking refreshed, she shot me a smile.

"So, where to?" she asked, pulling her seatbelt on.

"Your house?" I replied, thinking it was obvious.

"But I thought you wanted to get your lens cap from the store," she said with confusion. "Oh, wait, did you find it?"

As I started the car, I said, "I didn't, but it's fine. I can drop you off home."

"I don't mind going," she said, leaning her elbow on the door. "It's on the way anyway."

"You sure?"

She hummed in agreement, so I drove us straight to the camera store, knowing I wouldn't be long. Luckily, it was still open for the day, and when we headed inside, she immediately began to wander around the small store, intrigued by the cameras on display.

I began to talk to the shopkeeper about my lens size and what camera I had, hoping he had a replacement cap I could buy, and then he left to have a look in the back.

"Y/N, there's a photo booth!" Jackie suddenly called as I was waiting for the shopkeeper to return.

"Yep," I acknowledged, having seen it a million times so not sure what the hype was.

"We have to use it, c'mon!" she pleaded, already grabbing my hand.

I rolled my eyes, having gotten used to Jackie so much that I knew to just go with the flow at this point. She was grinning as she looked at the button and money slot.

"It's fifty cents," she realised, before elbowing me in the gut as she rushed to find some coins in her pocket. Eventually she pulled out a quarter and looked at me. "You got another quarter?"

"I guess? I don't–"

"Look!" she encouraged, and I grumbled to myself as I dug around in my own pocket, managing to pull out a quarter. Before I could even offer it her, she grabbed it from my hand and put both of them in the machine.

After fiddling around, a manual timer ticked to signal the first photo was going to be taken, so Jackie moved closer to me to fit in the lens.

"Smile!" she said, and I had no choice but to listen.

The photo was taken and, just as quickly, the next timer was going off.

"Funny face!" she instructed immediately, before pulling one of her own.

I rushed to stick out my tongue, managing to do bunny ears behind her head without realising, and then the final timer was ticking.

"Okay, a kiss on the cheek for the grand finale," she said with amusement, and because we'd been so rushed up until now, I didn't really think to question who was kissing who.

As the last tick went off before the photo, I turned to kiss her cheek, but she must have done the same, because for a brief moment, our lips touched and then the photo was taken. Embarrassed, I quickly pulled away, as did she.

"Sorry," we both blurted at the same time, and suddenly this photo booth felt too small.

"Y/N?" the shopkeeper called, and I was grateful for the interruption as I stepped out the photo booth and saw he was back at the counter. "Got your lens cap. This should fit like a glove."

I swallowed thickly as I approached the counter, acutely aware of Jackie stood behind me, looking as awkward as I felt. After paying the shopkeeper, the two of us left and returned to the car.

"Er, did you want the photos or–" Jackie started to ask when we got in the car, holding the strip that the machine gave her.

"It's okay, you really wanted them," I said quickly, before distracting myself with starting the car.

To say the car ride home was awkward was an understatement, even with the radio filling the silence. I wasn't sure why, since we both knew the poor attempt of a kiss was an accident, but my fear was that I'd made her feel uncomfortable. It was the last thing I'd wanted, but I couldn't bring myself to speak, and neither could she.

I barely got chance to put my parking brake on when she got out the car and avoided my eyes.

"Thanks for the ride," she muttered, before walking up the long path to her mansion of a home.

I would have left it there, but it felt wrong to, and then I noticed she'd left her backpack in the backseat, so I called her from the open window and grabbed the bag. Jumping out the car, I jogged to meet her halfway, glad she'd stopped.

"You forgot your bag," I said, holding it out to her, and she accepted it, expressionless but staring holes into my face.

Knowing I couldn't leave it like this, I started, "Jackie, what's–"

But she cut me off instantly – and to my surprise – with a kiss. I stumbled back as she grabbed my face, kissing me with such intensity that it took me a second to realise that Jackie fucking Taylor was kissing me. And she was really good at it.

I closed my eyes, reciprocating the kiss, breathing in every part of her floral perfume, tasting every bit of her strawberry lipgloss. There was a second where we paused to take in a breath, but she closed it just as quickly, desperate and sudden and surprising.

Finally she pulled back, and then as if realising what she'd done, her hands let go of my face and she avoided eye contact like I'd make her go blind.

"Thanks," she said awkwardly, before spinning around and speed walking to her front door.

"Wait, Jackie–!"

But she fumbled for her keys and was already at her front door, not bothering to turn around. I swallowed hard, my lips still tingling from the sensation of hers, and went back to my car. Did that really just happen?

All night I was thinking about it, replaying the afternoon in my mind. She'd made me question a lot about my feelings for her in the past, and at one point, I was certain I was just projecting onto her – maybe that flirting was just who she was? But no, it had to be real, because she'd just made out with me on her own accord, and I liked it. I'd liked her, sure, but she'd always been unattainable to me for obvious reasons.

Well, until now.

The next day at school, I was hoping I could talk to Jackie about everything properly, maybe get some clarification on what she was thinking. So, you can imagine my surprise when I walked past her in the hall and saw her standing with Jeff, her supposed-to-be ex-boyfriend, leaning on his shoulder as he had an arm wrapped around her.

As soon as I saw them together, my heart dropped, the surprise easily replaced by humiliation. God, how could I have ever thought Jackie Taylor and I could be a thing? Was I stupid?

Turning to walk a different way, I fought back the urge to cry, feeling used and stupid and like an absolute fool for thinking yesterday was anything special.

"Hey, Y/N, wait," Jackie suddenly called, and then she stopped before me with apologetic eyes. "I didn't–"

"So you're back with Jeff, huh?" I got straight to the point, glaring at her.

She avoided my eyes and nodded weakly.

I scoffed, feeling much better hiding behind my anger than my sadness. "Why did you even do it, Jackie? Why d'you kiss me?"

She frowned. "I don't know."

The longer she avoided my stare, the more upset I became. How dare she do all of this, make me fall for her, force herself into my life, only to throw it back in my face.

"Just wanted to test it out?" I muttered bitterly. "Kissing a girl?"

She winced. "No, it wasn't like that."

"Then what?" I asked, searching her expression for a clue, but she refused to answer, either not having the words or not wanting to upset me anymore. Too late for that. "You should figure your shit out," I said harshly. "And don't speak to me again."

Finally, she looked up, but I was already leaving, ignoring when she called my name. I should've known she'd go back to him, she always did.

Fuck Jackie Taylor.

It was impossible to avoid her and Jeff over the next few days, since they were in a lot of my classes and always on the way to my locker, but I tried my darn best to.

Unfortunately for me, I was out grocery shopping with my mum when I spotted a familiar blonde head of hair further down the aisle from us, standing with her best friend. I was hoping if we stayed put long enough, they'd just keep going and we wouldn't bump into them, but my mum, who was oblivious to our falling out, spotted Jackie instantly.

"Oh, Y/N, your friend is here," she pointed out, and before I could tell her to keep it down, she started to call out Jackie's name, earning her attention.

"Mum, no!" I whisper-shouted, but it was too late because Jackie and Shauna were already approaching us.

I considered walking away, finding somewhere else to busy myself, but my mum would have just found a reason to make it a big deal, so I stayed put and kept quiet.

"Hey, Y/M/N," Jackie greeted my mum in her usual chirpy voice, before I felt her looking at me. "Hey, Y/N."

I ignored her, suddenly interested by the handlebar of the trolley.

"Jackie, it's so great to see you again," my mum said, genuinely happy to chat with her, since the soccer player had made quite the impression on her. "And your friend, it's Shauna, right?"

"It is, it's great to meet you," Shauna greeted her kindly before shooting me a smile. "Hey, Y/N."

"Hey," I mumbled, giving her a quick smile before looking at the bananas on display.

"You know, it's a good thing I bumped into you," my mum said to them, particularly Jackie. "I wanted to thank you again for your help at the fundraiser! We raised over five thousand dollars!"

"That's amazing," Jackie said with disbelief. "I didn't know."

At this, my mum glanced at me questioningly. "Didn't you tell her, hon?"

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "Must've forgotten."

"Oh, Y/N," my mum scolded lightheartedly as Jackie looked away uncomfortably.

She continued to talk the girls' ears off before finally realising she was holding everyone up and saying her goodbyes. Taking the trolley from me, she began to push it forward and I was about to follow, but Jackie suddenly grabbed my arm.

"Y/N–"

I pulled my arm from her grasp, not bothering to meet her gaze. "Don't you have a soccer game to practice for or something?"

She didn't reply, and I rejoined my mum's side, remaining quiet for the rest of the trip. Why couldn't Jackie just leave me alone?

I was making notes in my English workbook as the teacher continued to explain the variations and development of children's language AKA the topic of our next assignment.

"...and I think that, just like children, students like Jackie Taylor can't seem to focus when they're supposed to be," Mr. Collins suddenly said, pulling me from my focus. "Miss Taylor, is there something particularly fascinating about the back of Miss Y/L/N's head?"

A few students giggled to themselves as I flushed with embarrassment, too afraid to turn around to see what he was talking about, though it was pretty self explanatory.

Jackie cleared her throat, embarrassed. "Of course not, sir. Sorry. Continue."

"Thank you," he said sarcastically, before continuing to read through his presentation, but my face was still flaming and I was unable to focus for the rest of class now, aware of the hazel eyes staring a hole in my back.

God, she was seriously not helping with this whole getting over her thing.

About a week after the whole Jackie thing, I unfortunately couldn't seem to avoid her forever as I had to take photos at the Yellowjackets' away game. I told myself I'd just do my job and be gone to avoid any awkwardness, but of course, that couldn't happen.

The game happened to be at East Rutherford High which wasn't a big deal, but as I was setting up my camera on the side of the pitch before the game, Olivia found me.

"Y/N, hey!" she called, and I turned around before remembering she went here.

"Liv, hey," I said with a smile, before hugging her. "I totally forgot you go here. Big soccer fan?"

She chuckled. "Not really. But my friends are so I said I'd come watch. Don't know why we bother though, the Yellowjackets always kick our arses."

I tried not to laugh because it was true. "Way to support your team."

"As a school, we've kind of accepted our defeat," she joked, before nodding to my camera. "You're taking photos for the paper, right?"

I nodded, letting my camera hang from my neck. "That's right."

"Your photos are always so good," she complimented, and I was surprised she'd seen them, so she clarified, "Sometimes our school paper look at examples of nearby schools and whenever they show us yours, I always see your photographs."

I smiled with embarrassment, though touched that she'd noticed. "Thanks, Liv, that means a lot."

She shrugged. "Just stating the truth." She paused, glancing out at the pitch as the players started to file out. "Surprised your friend, Jackie, isn't here. Didn't think she'd like me talking to you."

At this, I grew embarrassed for a different reason. "Yeah, look, I'm sorry if she was standoffish with you last time. I didn't–"

"I'm teasing," she assured me, trying not to laugh. "But it's all good. I should go find my seat anyway."

I sighed, nodding, and she smiled sweetly at me before leaving. Rubbing my face, I tried to push any thoughts of the soccer captain out of my head, hating that she was still being mentioned even when she wasn't here.

Instead, I focused my efforts on photographing the game, actually quite enjoying that it was an evening match so the lowlight gave me something to practice with. During half time, Olivia stopped by again and I welcomed it, enjoying getting to know her a little more. She was actually really chill to hang out with, but Jackie's words were still in my head about her 'textbook flirting'. Either way, Olivia was fun.

It was a given that the Yellowjackets would win, and after the game ended and I snapped some celebratory pictures, I moved to the side of the pitch to pack up my things. Olivia approached me again and I smiled.

"Great game, huh?" she said with amusement.

"Always is when the Yellowjackets play," I said playfully, and she raised her brows with mock disbelief.

"Wow, you're already starting the soccer war? That's low, Y/N," she said, making me laugh.

"Gotta support the home team," I said with a shrug. "Especially when they're that good."

She rolled her eyes, suppressing her smile. "Yeah, yeah..." As I shouldered my camera bag, she asked, "You heading off now?"

"That's the plan," I said with a tired sigh. "Why? Aren't you?"

She locked eyes with me, smiling softly. "I was going to ask if you're free to hang right now. Could grab some food or something?"

"Oh," I said, realising she was asking me out. "I– erm–"

It sounded fun, and why couldn't I enjoy a dinner with a cute girl? Smile forming on my lips, I was about to agree, but then the devil's spawn herself decided to appear.

"There you are," Jackie said, looking to me, either oblivious to my annoyance or choosing to ignore it.

"Didn't take long," Olivia mumbled to herself, but I heard it. Clearing her throat, she said to me, "I'm gonna guess you're busy tonight?"

"Oh, there's an after game party," Jackie answered for me, making me clench my jaw. "Kind of a tradition."

Olivia forced a smile. "Right."

"I never go anyway," I said quickly, earning her attention, and receiving a glare from Jackie who I so desperately wished would leave. "I can–"

"The others are asking if you'll go tonight actually," Jackie interrupted, flashing a sickly sweet smile at me.

If looks could kill, she'd be toast right now. Who the hell did she think she was to step in right now? She'd shown me how she felt – she didn't have a right to do this.

"Never mind," Olivia said, already backing up. "Enjoy."

Losing my glare, I looked to Olivia, ready to apologise, but she'd already walked off to join her friends and I knew I'd only make it worse.

"Huh, I was right," Jackie mumbled to herself, which reminded me she was still standing there and very much the reason Olivia hated me now.

"What the hell d'you do that for?!" I shouted at her.

She raised her brows, feigning confusion. "Do what?"

I clenched my fists with frustration. "No! You don't just get to do that!"

She shook her head. "What?"

I scowled, looking between her eyes with annoyance. "Care. You led me on. Used me as– I don't even know what! Some sort of rebound? An experiment? Either way, it was horrible, and now you don't get to just come in and stop me from accepting dates. You're nothing to me, Jackie."

As I spoke, she began to frown, only serving to piss me off further. How could she act like the victim right now? I was the one who'd been played!

"I didn't use you," she said weakly, but I could only step back and fix her with a glare.

"Leave me alone," I warned her once more, not bothering to stay behind to see what she'd say.

The weekend passed and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of Jackie the whole time. I wished I'd never found her crying after her breakup with Jeff because then I wouldn't have felt the need to check on her and she wouldn't have felt the need to be my friend. My life was a whole lot easier when she wasn't in it, and yet I still couldn't stop thinking of her. She was bad for me, so why did I still care about her?

I hadn't seen her since the game on Friday night, and despite the fact that she'd literally humiliated me, I still felt guilty for shouting at her. I wasn't someone who got angry easily, but truthfully, it wasn't anger. My heart hurt and who else to take it out on than the girl who broke it?

It was foolish of me to even feel that way, since we weren't anything. She'd never said she cared about me as more than a friend, she hadn't really done anything out of the ordinary except kiss me, which had clearly been a mistake. Her flirtatious behaviour was just typical Jackie. I knew what I was getting myself into. I guess this whole thing was my fault in a way.

Trying to take my mind off it, I stayed back after school to start putting my end of year portfolio together for photography class. I was grateful that nobody else was here, needing the quiet to simply get lost in my school work and nothing else.

I was considering some photographs on the desk when the sound of the door opening startled me. Nobody was supposed to be here, but when I turned around, my surprise faded into irritation at the sight of Jackie.

"Okay, seriously, do you need me to sing it you?" I asked with disbelief. "Write it down? Get a fucking sky writer?! Leave me alone, Jackie!"

"Wait," she said quickly, closing the door behind her and letting herself in, making me groan. "Please, I just– I have something to say."

I rolled my eyes, looking back to my photos with hopes she'd get the hint. "What? You finally figure your shit out?"

It was sarcastic, so I definitely didn't expect her to say, "Yeah. I broke up with Jeff."

My brows knitted together with confusion when I looked to her again. "You what?"

She licked her lips, grateful for the relief in tension. "After the game on Friday. I ended it."

I was certainly shocked to hear that she'd done that, but I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction. Crossing my arms, I tried to appear indifferent. "So what?"

She exhaled softly, steadily approaching me until she was stood right in front of me. Her hazel eyes, looking brown as they met mine, held my gaze with determination.

"You weren't an experiment," she said guiltily. "You weren't a rebound either. I never meant to hurt you, Y/N."

I frowned, eyes flickering between hers. Both my frustration and distress were building up because she seemed to be telling the truth, and it wasn't fair. She still did it. She broke my heart.

"Then what?" I asked, hands trembling. "How else can it seem when you–" I paused, glancing at the classroom door which was closed. Still, I lowered my voice for her sake. "When you kissed me – which, by the way, you initiated – then, before I can even discuss it with you, you get back together with your boyfriend? How?!"

She frowned, shaking her head as she looked down to her hands. "It was horrible, I know. You have to know how much I regret it."

"Gee, thanks," I said bitterly, and she was quick to look up again, worried.

"Wait, no, that's not what I meant," she explained. "I regret getting back together with Jeff, not kissing you. I– I liked that a lot." She was unusually nervous, swallowing visibly. "I like you."

My heart was confused as I studied her expression, seeing nothing but honesty.

"I should've said something," she admitted. "I didn't know that I'd fall for you, Y/N. I've never even liked a girl. Especially not one who's so sure of herself."

I scoffed, meeting her confused look with a knowing one. "Seriously? You're Jackie fucking Taylor, the most confident girl in school."

"Not always," she said with a wince. "Clearly."

I watched her, struggling to accept what she was saying.

"I understand if you hate me," she said, straightening up and meeting my gaze with a solemn one. "And I'll truly leave you alone, as you wish. Just say the word."

I pressed my lips together, seeing the serious expression on her face. I couldn't just say the word, because no matter how hard I'd tried to hate her, I just couldn't. All I'd really wanted was for her to like me, too.

She stood patiently, probably would have stood there for the rest of the day, waiting for me to speak. And I hated it because she'd hurt me deeply, but now I understood why. And even after everything, I still wanted her.

"Y/N?"

For once, I stopped overthinking and just kissed her, eyes closing when my lips met hers. She breathed out and lifted her hand to rest on my neck, pulling me closer and sending shivers down my spine at the contact. It was desperate, I was aware, but I couldn't get enough of her taste, her floral scent reminding me of last time, the adrenaline rush.

Without meaning to, her back hit her the desk behind her, but other than a brief readjustment, we continued to make out, my head spinning with thoughts of how good she felt so close to me. Stupid pretty girls and their stupid pretty faces.

We pulled apart for air, but I didn't let go of her just yet. My heart was thumping in my chest as I caught my breath, lips tingling as they craved for hers yet again.

"I really like you too," I said without thinking, eyes flickering to hers. "That's why it stung when you did what you did. Why I was so angry."

She nodded slowly in understanding. "I'm sorry."

I sighed, closing my eyes as I tried to collect my thoughts, but it was pretty damn difficult when she was still invading every sense of mine and I welcomed it.

"I don't know how I can trust you," I admitted, opening my eyes and being met with her determined expression.

"You can," she promised.

"What if you decide you don't want this anymore?" I asked, not wanting to doubt her feelings, but not prepared to start something that could end in heartbreak. "What if you think you've made a mistake? Start to miss Jeff? Then what, Jackie?"

"That won't happen," she said with certainty, thumb stroking my cheek.

"But it could."

She frowned, eyes boring into mine as if trying to make me understand. Finally, she said, "I'll spend forever proving you wrong."

I got lost in her eyes, so full of conviction that I had no choice but to believe her. Maybe some things were worth the risk. She certainly was.

"I'd love to see that," I said after a moment, an attempt at a joke.

She paused, trying to digest my words, and then she cracked a small smile.

"I forgive you," I told her. "I know how hard it can be to admit your feelings to yourself, especially for the first time."

She was hopeful, and I was suddenly overcome with an excitement because Jackie Taylor was stood in my arms, telling me she liked me, and I wasn't dreaming.

"Can I kiss you?" she asked, making me smile.

A simple nod and then she captured my bottom lip between hers, making the butterflies in my stomach flutter a storm. Unlike before, this kiss was slower than the others, more considerate, and I knew then and there that I'd never get sick of her lips.

She pulled away after leaving me breathless, her eyes half lidded when they looked from my lips to my eyes. "How was that for proving you wrong?"

I let out a breathy chuckle, admittedly a little flustered. "It's a start."

A smug smile appeared on her lips and then she was kissing me again, laughing as she did.

Lil bonus scene:

This was the least peppiest pep rally I'd ever been to, producing the worst photos I could take because everybody looked bored. As the principal made a speech about how 'good' the baseball team were doing this year, I snapped a few photos but ultimately sat bored in the front row. Everybody was much more excited for the star of the show – the Yellowjackets.

And after what felt like forever, the school band began to play their instruments and the soccer team began making their way in. Like a switch had been flipped, all the students in the bleachers stood up, cheering and applauding and celebrating their favourite sports team.

A much better subject, I began to photograph the crowd, all dressed in the bright yellow and blue school colours, waving signs and beaming with painted faces. And then my focus shifted to the team themselves, who were lining up before the crowd, grins on their faces. Despite the principal trying to calm everyone down so he could make his speech about how great they were doing, nobody would listen, still cheering on the team.

As I was snapping photos of them all, Jackie caught my eye and a playful smirk was on her lips when she winked at me. Even after the month we'd been together so far, she still left me nervous sometimes, thought I'd accepted that was what came with dating someone as self-assured as Jackie Taylor. We hadn't broadcasted our relationship by any means, but students at school weren't stupid and they were beginning to put it together. I didn't mind though, and I hoped she didn't either.

Finally, the principal managed to quieten everyone down long enough to make a speech worth listening to, expressing his pride in the Yellowjackets and wishing them luck as they prepared for the game tomorrow which would determine whether they'd make it to nationals.

After he finished, the band played them out, along with the audience's cheering, and then everybody began to leave. I was one of the last few to go, making my way out of the sports hall, only to be pulled to the side suddenly, realising Jackie had been waiting for me.

"Someone took their time," she said impatiently, crossing her arms, now wearing her varsity jacket over her soccer uniform.

"Someone was doing their job," I reminded her with a smile, wiggling my camera in the air.

At this, she quirked a brow. "You got my good side, right?"

I laughed. "Jackie Taylor doesn't have a bad side. She knows it too."

She began to smile, flicking her hair in agreement, and I rolled my eyes playfully.

"You look cute with your face paint on," I told her, referring to the little yellow jacket painted on her cheek.

"It's called school pride," she said, before giving me a disapproving look. "You didn't dress up."

"Again, I was busy photographing everything," I said, raising my camera for emphasis.

"Well, we can't have that," she said, tutting, and then she pulled off her varsity jacket and attempted to wrap it around me, but I stopped her.

"Wait," I said, realising what she was doing.

"What?"

I stared at her knowingly. "It's your jacket."

"Duh."

"Yeah," I agreed in a matter-of-fact tone, "but–"

"I'm giving it to you," she said simply, confused when I wouldn't put my arms in it as she held it open.

"You can't," I said, wondering if she was playing dumb or what.

She furrowed her brows. "What? Why?"

I amended my comment, "I mean, yeah, you can, but you know that people will put two and two together, right? You give me that and it'll be, like, an actual confirmation to everyone that we're dating."

Still, she wasn't following as she stared with raised brows. "Okay? And...?"

Now it was my turn to be confused. "You don't mind?"

Finally catching on to why I was questioning her, she relaxed and lowered the jacket momentarily. "That's sweet of you to ask, but no, I don't mind." She paused, before glancing at me worriedly. "Wait, do you?"

I sighed, before an amused smile formed on my lips. "No, I don't. I just didn't want you to feel like you had to."

Her expression softened, smile appearing on her lips and matching the sparkle in her eyes. "I want to. Now, come here."

This time, I let her help me into her jacket, immediately engulfed in her scent and warmth and not minding in the slightest. She stepped back, admiring her handiwork, eyes looking me up and down for several seconds too long and leaving me with a warm face.

"I should've given you this sooner," she said, impressed, and I rolled my eyes at her pride.

She chuckled before pulling me in for a quick kiss, and then we walked hand in hand down the hallway.

"You know that this means you have to be my number one fan now, right?" she asked, giving me a sideways glance.

I tried not to laugh as I said, "But I already supported the team–"

"No, not the team's fan," she cut me off nonchalantly, "mine. Me. Player number nine."

At her dead serious expression, I began to chuckle quietly. "Nine. My new favourite number, darling."

A smile crept on her lips. "Good."

#jackie taylor x you #jackie taylor imagine #jackie taylor x reader #jackie taylor #ella purnell #yellowjackets imagine #yellowjackets

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uselessnbee · 2 years

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i feel like Jonathan and Mike are a great representation of the whole "people care about mental health until you're showing your symptoms and they're ugly"

(apparently i'm really pissed so this turned into an angry rant)

the fandom hates them and talks about how their characters are ruined and how they miss the old version etc when they're both just traumatised boys who's been bottling up their emotions for so long and now they have to deal with the consequences

Jonathan has been both physically and mentally abused since he was a child, he had to help to raise his little brother, has to work while going to school because they need the money and then the whole thing with UD happened, he literally had to go casket shopping for his little brother while he thought his mother is slowly losing her mind jesus christ that is so much trauma and he doesn't have anyone he doesn't have any friends he only has Will but he's still the big brother and he won't "burden" his little brother who's dealing with so much shit already himself. and Nancy. he has Nancy. Nancy with whom he's distant now after moving to California. Argyle is literally his first and only friend. he never had anyone who he can vent to. who would listen and comfort him. who would help him deal with all the shit. he's been bottling up and burying his emotions down down and yet some of yall are hating him for the way it makes him act and he tries to cope with them

Mike had been bullied his whole life, he's lost Will so many times already, he's lost El, he's seen people die, he's seen what the UD shit can do to the poeple he loves and add to it all the internalised homophobia and all the shit god he's just a kid and already has so much trauma and his parents don't even know so he can't talk to them about it. he never talks about his own feelings. he just represses them he bottles them up he burries them deep down and won't let himself feel them. the only person he can talk to is Will. Will who he loses over and over again. Will who he's distant with right now and feels like he lost him yet again. Will who makes him feel the way the society tells him is fucking wrong and he can't talk to him about it. his mental health is so fucked up and makes him act like a jerk because that's what fucking depression does to you. the way depression makes you act is ugly. and yet some of yall are hating him for it. for being a kid who is trying to cope and survive while battling his own trauma and the demons it left him with

yes they are just fictional characters but there's a reason why some of us see ourselves in them. it's because they're relatable. the way they handle they're trauma and cope is relatable. and you would see that if you would watch the show with your eyes actually fucking open

#this went out if hand so i'm gonna delete it later #but for now i'm still pissed and i feel like some people need to see it #anyways #both jonathan and mike are just traumatised boys trying their best to cope and survive #and they don't deserve the hate they get #and i really hope they both find happiness like they fucking deserve thank you very much #until then i will protect them from yall with my own bare hands #jonathan byers #mike wheeler #mike wheeler protection squad #byler #blue's 'Mike's extreme defender' ramblings

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sapphos-darlings · 28 days

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Do you have tips on finding bi women who aren't homophobic or won't treat their female partners as lesser? Most of the experiences I had with them weren't good ones. I know there are great bi women out there, but I haven't met many who weren't male centered. I'm not sure if I should stick to just dating lesbians or if it's worth it to still give them a chance. How do you filter that out? I don't want to be biphobic, but I also don't want to go through some of those things again.

Hiya. There's a bit of an issue with this way of looking at things - you're generalising, and treating bisexual women as a group rather than as individuals. With that in mind,

the trick to finding bi women who aren't homophobic, internalised or externalised, is to look until you find one. Bi people are neither more or less prone to prejudice than other groups of people, and heteronormativity hits our communities very hard - just like gay people, we're taught that heterosexuality, heterosexual relationships, are the status quo. Not only that, but that they're the only option. But unlike many gay people, many of us can coast along with that for quite some time. It's not rare for a gay person to discover their homosexuality well into their adulthood, but for bisexual people, it's even easier to miss the signs because you're expected to be straight... and you've been able to find romance, love, and intimacy with the expected gender. Many bisexuals report not realising that what they feel for other genders than the one they're "supposed" to find attractive is attraction, because they're not looking for it. We're all taught, regardless of orientation, that gay people are not in the same room with us. They're "those other people" over there, yonder, someplace that doesn't concern us. The outsiders. We're talked to like we're all straight and gay people are a theoretical concept in the wild that we might, maybe, run into during our lifetime, but it will never be us and we are heterosexuals, all of us, of course and obviously.

This confuses bisexual people just as much as it confuses gay people. Many people bypass their crushes and infatuations as something else - "oh, I just really like this person. I just really want to be friends with them", and "I'm sure everybody gets those urges to kiss their friends or thinks that some famous people of the same gender is attractive, or has fantasies of sleeping with the same sex, it's no big deal." Some people keep waiting to find the one that they'll end up with, who they'll fall madly in love with and want to start a family with, but it just kind of never comes. They're inexplicably always closer with their friends than any prospective date or partner. They feel more fulfillment from cuddling up with a close friend than having sex with a boyfriend they're supposed to be in love with. And it's just what it is. It's not contested. They just haven't found the one yet.

None of these feelings is bi exclusive, but where gay people may eventually hit a point where they realise they cannot experience the happiness they're seeking with anybody but someone of the same gender, some bi people keep holding on to that hope that they'll eventually end up with someone who is socially acceptable, someone they're "meant to be" with, who is agreeable and uncomplicatedly heterosexual.

This is not all bisexuals. And there's no trick to finding a "good one" out of us. There are no "good" or "bad" bisexuals. There's people who don't care about the sex and gender of their partners, and there's people who very much do. There's people who are experimenting but not ready to go all in, and there's people who are looking to ride or die. There's people who are mature and committed to their established relationships, and there's people who aren't. There's people who have not processed and dealt with their internalised homophobia, and there's people who have. There's people who are looking for flings, and people who are looking for a relationship. None of this is exclusive to bisexuals. But bisexuals face a lot of prejudice, and a lot of discouragement to do the exploration and self-searching that is encouraged for others. It is very difficult to feel pride and joy in your orientation when you're branded as an immoral, promiscuous cheater from all ends of the spectrum simply for being capable of feeling attraction into multiple directions, or falling in love with anybody regardless of gender, instead of just having "a team you're batting for". As if cheating, promiscuity, or being unwilling to commit was about opportunity instead of about the person's own choices.

We're also told from every direction that we're just confused, that we have to pick a side, that we're not welcome here or there before we admit to "just" being straight or gay. Some will see this and decide that it's overall easier to stick to the majority, to pretend that they're not bi, or only be bi "on the side", whatever that means for them. That is a personal choice, not one inherent to bisexuality.

So, truly, how do you find a bisexual who is not homophobic, internalised or externalised? You look for one, and you go through the deed of vetting them like any other potential partner you might consider. Bisexual people are not inherently any less capable of taking on a serious, committed relationship than any other person out there. Just like it's not the fault of all lesbians if a relationship between two lesbians falls apart because one of them caves in under the homophobic pressure of society or their family or their religion, it's not the fault of all bisexual people if this happens in a relationship where the partner who can't cope with the pressure is bisexual. Just like a gay guy cheating on his partner is not the fault or choice of all gay men, a bisexual person cheating on a partner is not the fault or choice of all bisexuals. Just like a straight woman choosing to part ways with a partner because the relationship is too much for them and they're just not in a good place emotionally or mentally, it's not the fault of all straight women that they weren't ready for that committed relationship.

Nothing about relationship conflicts, or personal or interpersonal issues, is unique to bisexuals. Not even male preference; our whole society has a male preference. It doesn't matter if you're a woman, man, gay, straight, our society is set up to prioritise men and downplay women. This is the nature of sexism.

To find a partner in the midst of this? You just have to keep looking until you find one who matches your needs - and whose needs you match, too.

#mod sade #bisexuality #lgbt #biphobia #sexism #ask

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liberty-barnes · 1 year

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went down a rabbithole of discourse to see what people mean when they say they don't like the wedding and well

let me ask you this:

do you not the like this plotline because it's "poor writing" (even though it was literally planned from the start, ie rafael knowing) or you do not like it because it shows that carlos isn't a saint with minimal, "cute" flaws, here to help tk get better?

do you not like iris or are you villainising her because she's "getting in the way of your ship" and doesn’t act in a neurotypical way, or in what you're "used to" seeing from neurodivergent characters?

really think about these cause i think you might figure some things out.

now i haven't made it a secret that i'm liking this plotline, but i'm not just gonna call out one side without explaining mine, that would just be unfair, so here are my full thoughts now that ep2 is out

i love this plotline because it's an opportunity to delve into carlos' character development, which when compared to tk, we haven't had much. like sure, they've been a couple and stuff but apart from the jealousy with connor and the issue with his parents, what have we really learned about carlos? compared to all the development we've had from tk, carlos at times felt very much like a tool for tk to move forward, because the character himself still had such limited growth opportunities

now the marriage plotline is his time to shine. i recently reblogged a post where it was mentioned that tk came full circle in the first 3 seasons, starting with a failed proposal and ending with a successful one, so i think that tk at this point is okay to take a secondary, and just overall less dramatic approach to his character development. because we've seen him go through the big things. now it's carlos' turn to do like a pokemon and evolve.

we get to see the full scope of his anxiety, internalised homophobia, and saviour complex.

it's already a huge step that he talked to tk about it before he took care of the divorce. people with anxiety disorders (it's me hi i'm people) can tell you that bringing up a problem without having a solution is next to inconceivable. we feel like we always need to have solutions for our problems and if we don't, then people can't know about them. so the fact that carlos trusted tk enough to tell him (albeit after being "forced" to by andrea) tells you a lot about just how much he cares. and we also got the opportunity of seeing tk's growth because he didn't take it personally, didn't think this was against him, he understood that this was carlos' own problems and just like carlos helped him deal with his issues, tk's gonna help him deal with this.

it also shows just how far carlos' internalised homophobia went, and shows that even though most of it wasn't on screen, he's done amazing progress. the conversation on the couch is a testament to that growth, to him realising he wasn't broken at all. it's also a great way to show internalised homophobia, because it's something that most queer people go through, especially at the beginning, and i think it's beautiful to show that no matter how much time passes or how many mistakes you make, the important part of it is that you found yourself, the rest can be taken care of later.

and of course, his saviour complex. we saw it when he let the bank robber go, we saw it when he broke down because he felt like he failed tk by not having enough fire extinguishers to protect him, and we see it now by him staying married to iris for the health insurance. abd not going to see her because in some way, he feels like he failed her. maybe he should have noticed her illness sooner, or he should have been there with michelle from the start, but he didn't know what to do or what to say so he just didn't go. which again, if you have an anxiety disorder, you can relate. sometimes when things feel too hard or we don't have a set plan for everything that's gonna happen, or we make it harder than it is in our minds, we just don't go. speaking from experience, i ghosted my therapist for a year cause i forgot to call in sick for one appointment and thought she would judge me so i didn't go back. that's just how much anxiety can affect you, and for carlos, this is his "monster", this marriage is the thing that he desperately wants to fix but doesn't know how, finds too complicated, so he's stuck where he is because he's just not able to fix it.

and it's amazing to see how much tk gives him strength, the trust they share, and how carlos found his motivation in tk. that's love and from one anxious person to another, i'm really proud of carlos

now as for iris, i love her, i really do. she shows a mental illness that we don't always see, and normalises the fact that even after being medicated, neurodivergent people aren’t just suddenly gonna be "fixed". she's saner with her medication but we see how she finds it hard to communicate because her brain just works differently. when can see during her talk of an annulment, she thought she was being obvious the whole time, and it was only after tk asked for an explanation that she realised she needed to express this better. she doesn't mean her questions maliciously (ie carlos warning tk beforehand and being ready to step in if it got too much while also trusting that his fiancé can hold his own), she just has questions and asks them. she asks them because she's curious, because she's worried about carlos, because she wants to know more about tk. she doesn't have that little voice in her head telling her that her questions can be taken the wrong way.

and the part everyone's mad about, with her calling tk carlos' life's work. she didn't say it to insult tk, she didn't say it because she thinks he doesn't deserve carlos, she said it because in her mind it proves how perfect they are for each other. "always needs a project" + "can be his life's work" = soulmates. and idk if i understood that because i'm neurodivergent or because whatever else, but it made sense in my brain, i get her.

and ofc, it's a great opening to show off tarlos' ability to communicate with each other and both their individual and joint growth.

now for the fact that they can't get an annulment, i'm honestly not sure that was the plan at all, it might have been brought in just for the symbolism and after realising they can't do it, they'll have to stick with divorce. i don't know, i'm hapoy to let the writers surprise me and then pick apart and analyse the story as it comes.

and for the fact that iris is now missing, again, don't have many thoughts about it right now other than i think she went looking for the woman at the care center that she talked about when tk first got there, bc that comment felt too pointed not to become a plot point. but again, i'll hold any thoughts until after the episode air.

i see so many people getting stuck on what could happen, and what was "seen coming" etc, but honestly, just trust the writers. we know it will end in a wedding, ronen and rafael trust the writers fully, and that's good enough for me you know. i'm not gonna stress about what "could happen" in a tv show, i do that enough irl. i'm just gonna enjoy the ride.

so yeah that was me

#libby rants #911 lone star #iris blake #tk strand #carlos reyes #tarlos #lone star meta #carlos reyes meta #tk strand meta #iris blake meta #lone star season 4 #911 lone star meta #lone star 4×02 #lone star 4×01

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dnpbeats · 3 months

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just to add to the conversation about being closeted in a relationship. and this is on the hypothetical relationship they could have, as we've established that speculating on their relationship is something that they don't want, so we shouldn't be doing. I heavily disagree that someone needs to have no self respect to be with a closeted person who doesn't wanna be publicly dating. I think people can have different boundaries, and if that's a deal breaker for that first anon that's totally valid, but it isn't for everyone. particularly in this case, when Phil knew how much the topic of sexuality weighed on Dan, he'd wanna be supportive and make sure dan felt safe exploring and navigating a relationship with that amount of internalised homophobia. Dan's hatred of queerness was directed inward not outward, so I don't feel he was ashamed of Phil, he was ashamed of himself. it's not a question of self worth, it's a question of boundaries. it's not about having patience or lacking self respect, it's about if you think you're able to support a person in that state and if that's what you want for your life at that time.

also, I think it's wild to think Dan exaggerated his struggles with sexuality. his issues were so painfully obvious and he made such personal videos about it that I think it's extremely disrespectful to think that. it's also important to note that the reason why he made the videos was in part because a lot of his struggle was in the public eye and people had been harassing him about it for years. it really isn't okay to be talking about someone's experience like that, specially when we as an audience contributed to the problem to the extent that we did. it's good to be skeptical and not assume we know someone's intentions when we don't actually know them, but minimising their experiences isn't okay.

you're so real for what u said about speculation would you believe that like 8yrs ago I was helping run a blog that was against phan speculation and I got death threats for it 🤘🏻 anyway

based on what dan said in BIG I think you hit the nail on the head. he talked a lot about his own internal struggle with his sexuality and identity but when talking about Phil he explicitly stated that it was important for him that Phil was openly gay and proud about it (or something along those lines, being real I have not watched that video in a hot minute lol). like he wasn't out here being homophobic towards Phil lmao

and yes 100% his struggles were compounded by the harassment he faced from the public. I mean when he posted "trying to live my truth," people were up in arms bc based on the title the thought he was gonna come out and then obviously he didn't in that video. it's batshit to get mad bc you thought someone was gonna come out and then didn't, and that's just one singular example out of 100 of what the phandom used to be like. imo it's very obvious that dan was struggling for a long time and that's only based on what we've seen/he's told us so im sure it was worse in actuality—this is all to say I agree that we shouldn't be minimizing/diminishing his experience

#ask #anon #dan and phil

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wigglebox · 1 year

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Just curious in your opinion, do you think Cas ever had internalised homophobia? I feel like I remember Misha said that it was in s8 or 9 that Cas realised he loved Dean, but it was more of a realisation and he treated it as whatever it was, rather than seeing it as a something 'bad' so to speak.

OO interesting question to pose! I don't think he'd call it internalised homophobia — I thiiiiiink.... well season 8 is hard bc his brain was being meddled with.

So maybe internalized humanphobia? As in, he's been told all his life that humans and angels consorting like that are wrong and then naomi trying to make him essentially NOT be in love with him certainly screwed with him.

I think what screwed him up also is just —he wouldn't know what love is when the suggestion first came up for him, right? Like, angels don't feel things like that so when it's first even thought of for him it's probably a whirlwind and unsure how to deal with it.

So idk if there's any internalized homphobia bc i don't think cosmic entities have that sort of thing in them. that's something we have.

i'm unsure which quote you're seeing — but i am on the same timeline of him realizing in season 8 basically about the love thing, but choosing to keep it to himself could be for a number of factors between the brain things naomi was doing, not understanding maybe if it really is love or not since he has nothing to measure it against, confusion, and not wanting to stress dean out bc there's also always that 'well i like them but they don't like me' thought that's in our head.

Iunno — imma keep thinking about it! I wish I knew that quote you're referencing lol. But I can see case being CONFUSED more than having internalized homophobia. And if he feels shame over it, he feels shame because he's an angel and dean's a human not so much bc of the man and man thing.

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positivityforlesbians · 1 year

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I think I'm a lesbian but I'm dealing with both internalized homophobia and misogyny. I keep making excuses like "everyone feels sexually attracted by their same-sex bestie when they're 14" "feminism has brainwashed you to the point you don't even see men as people anymore but you can actually be attracted to them (and you're supposed to) if you try hard enough or if you wait for the right one". It's like I've accepted I am a lesbian but I'm constantly thinking that it is a phase or that it isn't natural, I wasn't born this way this is simply a result of some environmentally determined product that affected me somewhere in my psysexual development (and thus it is a problem that needs to fixed). To clear my doubts, I have Googled "is homosexuality culturally/ environmentally determined?" But thanks to liberal feminism and queer studies everything is all over the place and they don't even describe homosexuality as same-sex attraction but same-gender attraction (which is in itself so inconsistent it doesn't even make sense), and they're like "uMHH actually, homosexuality IS culturally dependant and also even if you've never been attracted to the female sex you can still be a lesbian because anyone can be a lesbian now" like how does this help anyone?? I am legitimately suffering and these idiots treat it like it is some sort of joke with no real life consequences. And I don't know what to believe anymore, how can I believe that I'm not broken or mentally deviated if all I hear equally from conservative and liberal spaces is that homosexuality is mentally deviant and an illness and a changeable fact that I just need to work on? I feel so dirty and ashamed and I hate this and I don't know what to do or how to deal with this.

Sorry this is rambly I have no place to talk about this and even talking about it scares me I don't want to live like this i just wish I were straight.

This was so far away in my unanswered asks, if you read this I'm sorry anon. Equally because of the homophobia you describe here and because it's been several months since you took the time to write this and I didn't have the time myself to answer it then forgot it.

Second-guessing ourselves times and times again is definitely exhausting but very common in a society that is still so heteronormative, especially when you're young. You're aware of your own internalised homophobia, of the fact that you're not accepting your sexual orientation right now, that already is a step in the right direction. To continue though you have to listen to those who won't make you feel like a mistake, who won't make you feel like this was all a choice of yours either, and I know this is easier said than done as these people are so numerous now but please protect yourself, your own sanity. I'm available to talk in direct messages if you're dealing with internalized lesbophobia and need a good system of lesbians (online) to make you feel at home with who you are, finally. You didn't become a lesbian and in the same logic you cannot "go back" or be straight, none of your attempts would be successful and any lesbian who tried it out of despair can tell you that. You're not dirty, you're normal and worthy of love anon. Take that anger you have against yourself and turn it completely against homophobes, for they are the ones who created that confusion and chaos in you. Take care and don't forget that you're not alone. Reach out to your people. ❤️

#anonymous #my answers #lesbian safe #internalized lesbophobia #lesbian advices #mental health

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fredrickzoller · 2 years

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Mine headcanons to them:

Dieter is a proud misogynist. Like he HATES women guts. Chile he would be happy if us just disappear from Earth forever lol. Especially if womens next to Landa. But he never admit this.

Dieter is the one who has a big trouble inside him-internalised homophobia torture him and Hans always playing on this painful topic for him

Dieter is homophobic gay, Hans is chill bisexual

Hans somewhere can admit he cares about Dieter, Hellstrom? Hell, never !!!!!

But at the same time Dieter is very Vulnerable when he not trying to act tought

Landa always gives him a pet names and Dieter acts like he hates this(he lives for this low-key….)

Hans will always humiliate and mock Dieter about everything related to him, including his work, but he will do everything in his power to ensure that Dieter gets a promotion.

They both an assholes who breaks ups(if we call what they have a relationship) 2836271910101 times but always come back to each other’s bc they already dependent on each other and emotions that only they can give each other

they belong to each other’s more than they belong to hell.

💔

Heehee! I see I must've influenced your headcanons a great deal (or we just think very much alike)! This is just me answering certain points in your list hear and rambling about my thoughts, hope that's okay! Dieter hates women so much. Naziism in general is so deeply misogynistic but he has even more piled on top of that in my hc's for him, due to his relationship with his mom and his perception of his parents' (mom and biological dad, then his mom and stepdad) relationship. He acts like he views his sister through a different lens but it's still very steeped in "I, your older brother (a man) know what's best for you." I feel like Hans admitting he cares is very much more like... well, it's more like, he knows exactly what will keep Dieter tied to him and i don't think it's inherently false, his need/want, but there's definitely the idea that he will get what he wants out of saying he "cares". Dieter's way of admitting it is being possessive and jealous, lol. I do actually have a "break-up" planned for them (as much as that's possible)! And it's like honestly the way I've written them they don't even consider themselves "together" for the first uh 6+ years so much as just conveniently hooking up. And this changes with the fic Der klaren Sterne (the one that centers around Hans visiting Dieter and his family over the holidays). I write Hans as, even from the beginning, being endlessly intrigued by what this arrangement with Dieter can offer him. Dieter on the other hand has no choice lol (well i guess to some extent he does but) but considering the trauma I've put him through, he'll deal with Hans (and especially all the sex they have) any day compared to what he's experienced with other men. I have so much good dialogue written with them that I haven't posted yet, that's like... they're terrible at communicating with each other but as the reader it expresses so much (and I think Hans at least is very capable at reading through the lines). You're right that Dieter becomes most vulnerable when he tries to be tough. Hans sees it... and loves it... but there does come a point too where he is also concerned and somewhat like... he really sees how deeply set in his ways Dieter is. For as much as Hans can manipulate him, certain things he can't change and it's like oh. 😬 The only ones I would say I differ on is Hans being "chill" re: sexuality because I do write him as EXTREMELY homophobic in the sense that he's like "omg Dieter why would you WANT to be gay, just fuck women hello they're so 🤤🤤🤤!" like he has no respect for people being mono-sexual, be it gay, lesbian or straight (i write him like this towards Francesca as well in the fics she appears in, since I hc as a lesbian. Like in the Retail AU he's just like all "uh she's too pretty to be gay and she just hasn't tried me yet 🙄") and it's like he's not even bisexual so much as opportunistic. lmao i hate him.

#ship: landstrom #landa #hellstrom #hans landa #dieter hellstrom

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22degreehalo · 1 year

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Imagine if aces and aros talked about gay people the way gay people talk about us.

"Don't forget: gay people are totally valid and they are welcome in the AIQ community!!! 😊 Sure, they might not experience aphobia like aces and aros do, but people shouldn't have to prove they're Oppressed Enough[tm] to be included! :)"

"To be honest, hating on gay people makes no sense to me at ALL lmao. Like aphobia I get, but for a straight person to insist that everyone MUST get a partner NO MATTER WHAT, and then throw a fit because it's the wrong kind of partner?! I don't know man, I just think it's only control freaks who could really be bothered, yknow?"

"And after 'Demi-Aces and Demi Gods' we are proud to announce our first ever gay panel! It's called "GG: homosexuality 101" and it'll answer any questions you might have about what it's like to be gay (no, they aren't all polyamorous!) ending with a rousing discussion about the place of the G within the AIQ+ community as a whole. Following that, we have 'Asexual fashion history'..."

"Oh my god I am SO tired of homophobia discourse. Like my guys literally NONE of this matters in the real world. Just log off and interact with your real-world community and touch grass, okay?"

"Um... no offence, but why is talking about gay people so important to you? We're discussing aspec oppression and you're very obviously derailing. :/ like it is just NOT the same thing. If you want to talk about gay issues (like I get that it could feel uncomfy when people expect you to have a different kind of partner than you want) make your own post, please."

"Oh, I get this question a LOT haha! Don't worry, it is SUPER common for young aspecs to invent gay attraction in an attempt to repress their own aspecness! If you ever decide that that's what happening, and you were just dealing with internalised aphobia, it's okay! You're still a valid aro/ace <3'

"But like. How... would 'homophobia' even work lmfao. Like you're being restricted from couples' benefits by?? Being in a couple the wrong way???? Literally nobody is going to throw you out of your home for having a child with your partner. 🙄 So unless you can provide ANY evidence that gay people are oppressed FOR BEING GAY (i.e. lacking m/f attraction AND having same-gender attraction SIMULTANEOUSLY) then uhhh maybe you should stop talking over people who are ACTUALLY oppressed. (No corrective rape doesn't count lmfao that is literally just aphobia.)"

"Welcome to AIQ pride 2023!!! Gays and lesbians are allowed but y'all are on thin fucking ice 🤪 Ugh it's just a joke lmfao. It's not serious. Jesus I wish y'all WERE oppressed sometimes, maybe you'd have an actual sense of humour 💀"

"Ummmm sorry, but can you take down your post? This celebrity is REALLY important to the aspec community and I really don't appreciate you implying he could be gay :/ Like he literally already said he doesn't like girls. What more do you want lmfao he's aroace. Why is it so important for you to erase that and force him into an amatonormative relationship? Creepy 😬"

"Sorry but I'm just not comfortable seeing talk about 'homophobia' on my post. I repressed my aroaceness for a really long time by trying to convince myself I was gay and it was super traumatic for me. But even if I hadn't you should've known how this reblog might come across to any young aspecs struggling to accept themselves."

"DNW: gay/lesbian characters. No offence but they're always boring ass issue fics written by teenagers trying to prove how Progressive they are. It's always so ridiculously forced and ooc. Like who CARES if you're gay anyway lmfao just go to a bar and have Good Allo Sex or something, you ain't special."

"Mmmm personally, I think that 'homo' and 'hetero' are more like modifiers, really...? I mean, what matters most is whether or not you're actually IN a relationship. The kind of relationship itself just doesn't really matter all that much. I mean, that makes sense, right? 'No shirt' is a wayyy bigger difference from 'blue shirt' than 'red shirt.' So personally I think homosexuality is valid but it's not an identity, it's just a modifier for allosexuality. :)"

"...ugh, look, what's probably going on here is there's some kind of confounding variable at work, like gay people are more likely to be younger (since it's a pretty new identity) so of course their overall wellbeing is lower. That's just logic. But it just doesn't make sense for gay people to be oppressed: they have their identity validated by straight people all the time. So unless you can explain how you can be constantly validated, but still oppressed, these numbers mean nothing."

#some ppl are gonna be like 'but str8s do say this!!!'#like. Y EAH.#gay ppl treat aspecs in many ways similar to how str8 people treat them!!!!#that is not the own you think ut is lmfao

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siriuslynephilim · 10 months

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it's been a year since i lied to you and told you that yes ive moved on so can we please be friends again. can you really blame me? i thought getting good at suppressing our memories from that one month meant moving on. i didn't know that i would feel a lump in my throat when you called me suddenly in the middle of a sunday even tho the plan was to talk once a week and we had talked only 3 days before. i didn't know i would feel butterflies in my stomach when i heard your laugh so close to my ear, but can you really blame me for being reminded of you giggling talking about the logistics of kissing on your study table?

but it's been another year since we've talked on the phone. those memories are so distant and blurry and full of light and happiness that i can't even believe they happened to me, it feels like they happened to a different person. so you don't have to worry, because ive moved on now.

remember when i used to tell you that i miss you so much i can't think about anything else, that i spend all my day reading our old chats? and you used to say, you need to stop and there are other people in the world? well, you don't have to worry about feeling uncomfortable now. i passed the exam i failed because i was too heartbroken over you. i go to tuitions and then i go to internship and i come home so late that all i do is eat and sleep. ive been doing better these days.

and you were right, there are other people in the world. but do you know, i asked a girl to come watch barbie with me, and she made a disgusted expression and said she'd already watched it and she hated it? this happened after we shared a coffee and realising we live next to each other and finding out that she watches kdramas and i listen to kpop. so surprising isn't it? someone who probably understands toxic masculinity and gender roles are fucked up still has internalised misogyny in her? nobody can compare to you, you lecturing me about feminism in tenth standard and your little book club with assigned reading as a thousand splendid suns and you having tears in your eyes showing us harry styles with pride flags in his concerts and you being mean and blunt saying i need to talk about my internalised homophobia. im starting to think you were one in a million and i was a fool to lose you, and an even bigger fool to have had you back and then lose you again.

but do you understand now? you told me you didn't, two years ago. i asked you, don't you understand that i was going crazy dealing with my psychotic family and i was depressed and tired and couldn't talk? and you said no, you're sorry, you really don't, you don't understand how someone can not share why they're sad to the person they supposedly love the most in the world. as i was writing this, daylight by taylor swift started playing. ironic, isn't it? there are many memories ive tried to erase from that one month, but this one i cannot forget- me coming into your room the night we planned and asking you if you're sure about this and is this like an experiment thing a oh what's kissing like thing or is it a we're in love with each other thing, and you smiling softly and saying girl yes i am sure it is one hundred percent a we're in love thing.

ive been getting better at sharing my sadness with my loved ones. my parents haven't stopped fighting, my dad shouted at my mom today morning because my brother lost the car keys, but it's okay, ive learned to tune it out. he only lives here for half a month, he stays somewhere else the other half so it's been easier to bear. my sister moved out, finally. ive been sad because of it but i know she's obviously happier there so it's okay. we have a neighbor and they have this tiny tiny annoying si kid she always comes to her house after her mom scolded her to sulk and watch tv with us. how is your little sister doing? i think of her when our neighbor devil comes. and how is your mom doing? are they settling in well to the new city? and how are you doing? have you been okay? we don't have to be exes trying to be friends again. but can't we just be childhood friends (if age 15 was childhood) who drifted apart briefly but found their way back to each other? please?

but it's okay, if we can't. cause like i said, ive moved on.

#it's 2:29 am and i can't sleep #do you get sad on these specific dates too? probably not cause you don't remember dates well #30th july my exams ended 5th of august we had a sleepover with our mutual friend it was the last time we were ever okay before i fucked #it all up permanently it was the last time you let me kiss you in the balcony last time you let me hold your hand tho you pulled away under #the pretense that you were cold. i still don't know if you were really cold or just mad at me #fast forward 28th august you said we should end this and i didn't put up a fight i just said okay if that's what you want #sept 12 we again had a sleepover and you let me rest my head on your shoulder for the last time ever and i rmbr not watching the movie at #all just silently wiping my tears on your shirt #and was it sept 21? you left here forever and you said you'll never come back to this shitty small town and you've kept your word #all of this probably makes you think i haven't moved on at all right?#but i have because i know that the person in my memories no longer exists and i have made my peace with it im glad it happened #and i also know i don't know anything about the person you are today #but id like to know #and you have a tumblr so if you're reading this and you maybe miss me a little too #text me?#okay bye kuch zyada hi bol diya #messages i can't send

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starforgedthor · 2 years

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when you become untouchable {Vigilante | Adrian Chase} // three

three. humble my bones with a cardiac

Summary: So you're asked to play doctor without any experience, but does it matter when you can simply know without the years of stress and study? What really worries you is the fact that you're about to know far too much about Peacemaker, and then immediately forget everything that you would have learned. It's an overwhelming situation for you, and people don't tend to react well to someone intimately knowing every detail of their lives, even when you promise to forget it.

Need to Know: She/Her pronouns. villain!meta-human!reader. self depricating reader. chaos. implied dehumanisation. canon typical violence. possible smut in later chapter i haven't decided. slowish burn.

Warnings: one isolated light-hearted mention of suicide, this chapter is more crass and implicitly sexual, some implied internalised homophobia, light medical descriptions (anaesthetic being administered, stitching up wounds, non-graphic) canon-typical violent/murder talk about the reader

[ masterpost ]

A/N: okay friends now we're getting into more of the meat of it here. this chapter has everything; hypercompetent reader, tired economos, Harcourt (beloved), knowing Peacemaker's entire existence because you held hands and immediately forgetting, Disney sexual awakening and the hot lion from Lion King 2, fucking and fighting discussions,,, let's GO! Very written on my phone and posted at 2am, but hey, I still wanna know what you think.

Taglist: @16boyfriends-and-me @a-girl-who-loves-disney @amysuemc @generalfoolish @idkanymoreaboutlife @home-of-disaster @2guysonascooter @demure-doll @grippleback-galaxy @demeterl @specificpuppy @gay-cold-brew @siberianallen @evvilspawn @simping-4-jason-todd @hazzarights

Taglist is always open, feel free to message or comment to be added! xx

Murn's always given you these weird, wary looks for as long as you've known him. Yeah, everyone kind of looks at you like that when they find out what you can do, and its not like this ragtag group of vague Government rogues were the touchy-feely types, but it seemed like instead of staring into space, when Murn was idle he was watching you. He didn't even try and hide it now. It would be fine if you were actually doing something, but right now you're half falling asleep waiting for Harcourt and Adebayo to bring back Peacemaker and some much needed context.

"Are you telepathic?" You yawned, trying and failing to find a more comfortable seat in your desk chair. There's nothing much on your desk; you don't have many worldly possessions that you think would be appropriate. There's only a stack of textbooks on a variety of topics, which you're doing a very good job of looking anywhere but.

When you speak, breaking the silence, Economos looks up from his computer, first to you, then to Murn watching you like he's studying you. Murn let's the spill from one moment to the next, arms crossed carefully over his chest.

"The parameters of your powers are undefined," he says finally, words chosen with obvious care, like everything he said, "and while I am glad to have you on the team, your attitude is concerning; you're an unknown quantity, and I believe we have enough of those to deal with."

"Oh," as the realisation hits you, you can't help but grin from ear to ear, sitting a little straighter, "you think I'm a liability!" You lean forward in your seat, clutching at the table before you with glee, "you've heard all the stories, haven't you Murn? It's why you even let me on the team in the first place, isn't it? But now you've met me -!" It had been a long time since you'd met someone who knew you by reputation alone, you'd missed how good it felt to crush their expectations between your fingers, "- and you're thinking Oh God, I've made a terrible mistake, what if all the stories are wrong?! Or worse!" You gasp a dramatic breath for effect; there's mirth and delight dancing in your eyes. Economos looks deeply uncomfortable, "what if they're right?!"

Murn blinks slowly. His lack of answer is deafening.

Economos looks between the two of you, head turning back and forth like he's watching a very slow game of tennis. In this moment that stretches out, your challenging gaze not breaking from Murn's, Economos finally sighs and looks back at his computer.

"Don't do that," he says finally, and your good mood breaks, "either of you."

"What?" And you find your head tipping with confused intrigue; he flicks a glance at you out of the corner of his eye.

"You," he says very pointedly, "get all creepily excited like that," he mutters, before adding, mostly under his breath, though still audible in the quiet room, "Harcourt needs to walk you more. "

"Hey!" Despite your protest, you knew the puppy-joke was to be expected, especially from Economos or Harcourt herself.

"And Mister Murn, stop feeding The Chaser's ego."

"Excuse me?" Murn's tone was hard-edged, while you stuck out your tongue at Economos, which they both ignored.

"She gets off on being underestimated," Economos said flatly, continuing despite your attempted rejection of the allegation, "so I'll just tell you what Harcourt told me when I first ran comms for them; every single impressive story about them is true, sure," he rolled his eyes, and you sink back into your chair with a pout, "but to make room for all those kickass skill and knowledge that she gets whenever she picks something up, her head's gotta be empty in the interim."

It's an unfortunately apt way to sum up an outsider's perspective of you, and all you can being yourself to do is quietly sulk as you wait, until you doze off. At least Murn is satisfied with the explanation enough to stop watching you at every minute.

Only when there's shouting do you finally wake, bleary-eyed and barely aware, you're pretty sure Economos wants to know about Murn's bathroom habits. What?! Economos is never allowed to judge what you get excited about ever again, you decide.

This thought is interrupted, however, as Adebayo crashes through the front door practically oozing with adrenaline, recounting her night at a mile a minute as Harcourt and a wincing Peacemaker follow shortly behind her.

"Y/N, look alive, its showtime," Harcourt tells you sharply, and you groaned loudly.

"He looks fine, he'll be fine-" your half-hearted protest is ignored as Harcourt advises Peacemaker to show you wherever he's hurt. Peacemaker looks at you and your grimace with a flat kind of shock.

"Why?"

"Because the best doctor we have is Y/N holding that medical textbook," Harcourt is moving around the space, trying to find the first aid kit, "Y/N," she orders, "textbook."

"You're a doctor?" Peacemaker frowns at you with confusion, but is at least obligingly pulling off his shirt; already you can see some uncomfortably deep wounds on his torso, "that... actually that makes sense," he muses, and you pull off your gloves with a show of exasperation.

"I'm definitely not a doctor, why would that make sense?"

"You know too much," Peacemaker muses; his tone is surprisingly light given how he's struggling to pull off his brightly coloured shirt, "isn't that what you do?" And when he finally gets his shirt off, he huffs a bright sigh of relief, grinning despite being absolutely littered with wounds of varying severity. Your press your lips together in a tight line.

"John, can you be her extra hands if she needs them?" Harcourt asks firmly, to which Economos nods wearily. Thumping the first aid kit onto the table in front of you, Harcourt's expression reads don't fuck around without her saying a word when she meets your gaze. Murn calls she and Adebayo into the next room to debrief, and before she goes, Harcourt picks up the medical textbook from the top of the pile you'd been ignoring, smacking it into your chest pointedly. So finally you concede, and take the book with a faintly pained groan -

It's yours, you can feel your own nausea rising like a feedback loop because of this book, and every time you've ever touched it before, the hours spent pointedly untouched on the desk, being pulled out of a shipping box with gloved hands, the rattle-bump-darkness of being in a box in the back of Harcourt's car during the drive, each mission its been brought along and each time you've used it, the blood that's been splattered and wiped from the shiny cover, feeling the way your apprehension for the book builds in reverse with each time you touch it with your bare hands, the first and only time you've ever properly opened it when you flipped through it with curiosity when it arrived, being shipped and being stacked alongside hundreds of other identical copies in a warehouse before that, the machine precision of mass produced textbook manufacture, the short but detailed history of the printer's ink made on demand, the paper being processed and smooth from the carcases of logs hauled across the country and the whir of logging equipment and the sudden jarring stillness of the tree at the beginning of it all, a quiet life spent growing that seems to stretch back forever -

And every single page is imprinted from your mind into this book at once, every word you could recite with ease, every picture imprinted in high definition, diagrams labelled and it all makes complete and immediate sense to you, everything in the book now second nature, you could stitch a wound or identify any number of rashes or set a broken bone or understand exactly what an injury requires, as detailed in this thick, medical textbook -

Books always made you a little queasy, as did CDs, DVDs, and USB storage devices that weren't empty, but this textbook was especially graphic and overwhelming; touching it always felt like a punishment of sorts.

"Hey, are you okay?" Economos sounds suddenly concerned, while your eyes are pressed tightly shut, taking a few moments to accommodate all the new information in your head, "you don't look so good."

"I feel like I'm gonna be barf, just gimme a moment," you managed, trying to breath through the moment and tune out Peacemaker's sudden panic at the idea of you tending to his wounds, "shut up, I'll be fine!" You insisted.

Finally the phantom pressure in your head has eased and you crack your eyes open. Both Economos and Peacemaker and looking at you warily. After a beat, you manage to muster a bright smile, looking between them both.

"See, no need to stress; the doctor is in."

"What the fuck just happened?" Peacemaker demanded to know, "because last I heard you were some sort of decendant of Artemis or some shit -"

"What?!" You grin with confused delight.

"The Greek God of the hunt," he paused pointed and expression intensely demanding, "emphasis on hunt."

"Who told you that?!" Laughing, you don't seem deterred by Peacemaker's tone.

"Its a widely held belief!" He explodes with exasperated confusion, "you spent all of your time in fucking solitary, half the time people weren't even allowed to collect your laundry. I know you're a weapons expert and can find anyone, anywhere, and I can't think of any other prisoner inside Belle Reve who knows anything else."

"So you all decided to believe I'm decended from a God?!" This revelation even has you clutching the medical textbook to your chest like a delighted schoolgirl, rocking back on your heels.

"Can you reign in your ego for three seconds and do what you're on this mission for?" Economos sounds frankly exhausted, and you deflate a little, finally agreeing with a nod. As you examine Peacemaker's wounds thoroughly, at first without touching him, you explain your powers in detail, including your brief discomfort moments ago. Peacemaker's watching you with an expression like he's trying very hard to understand this all, but you leave him for the time being, raiding the medical supplies for anything you know you'll need to get him fixed up, before you stop suddenly.

You turn, voice firm but amicable; discussions of appropriate bedside manner vary from scenario to scenario throughout the textbook, and though they're brief mentions all at once, you're able to analyse, extrapolate, and apply them all at once.

"Chris, take a seat for me," and though his expression indicates he's surprised at your tone, he obliges immediately, "I'm going to take your hand to do a full assessment of your injuries, okay? If I could do this with my gloves on I would but-"

"Wait, do you mean -" Peacemaker's brow creased with immediate concern, "your selective, all-knowing shit, that- does that mean you'll know everything about me and my entire life if you touch me?"

"Yes," you say carefully, pulling a seat over to sit in front of him; his concern changes as he is clearly now uncomfortable with the situation, "but I'll forget literally all of it the moment I we're no longer in contact."

"Why can't Dye-Beard do it?" He nodded to Economos, who narrowed his eyes with contempt.

"Because fuck you; that's not my job, and I don't dye my beard," sitting back in his chair, Economos pointedly crossed his arms over his chest.

"How can I trust that's really how your powers work? How do I know you're not adding my life to the database you're building in your head of all information ever?" Squinting at you, there's something challenging in Peacemaker's eyes. Unexpectedly however, you choke on a startled laugh.

"If I had to live with everything I learned for everyone and everything I touched I definitely would have killed myself before now," the response is complete honest instinct, punctuated by that same, humourless laugh, but after a moment of genuine deliberation, Peacemaker visibly steels himself and offers his hand. Still, you give a warm, reassign smile to hide your own nerves.

Textbook in one hand, the other reaches out and takes Peacemaker's -

You see his life all at once, every memory he's ever made and every thought he's ever had, seeing even beyond his personal recollects, every single moment since his birth with perfect clarity and how his memories of events differ from his immense truth, all in high definition, his entire existence, his ideologies, the moments that shaped him and each sensation that he's ever experienced or is currently experiencing, all planted into your mind at once.

Every fuck, every fight, every secret he's sworn to take to the grave -

-there had been resistance as the debris pierced Rick Flag's chest but he pushes past the point of no return to save his own life and save the mission and the debris is so firmly lodged in Flag's heart that he can feel the debris move almost imperceptibly with it until he let's go, 'Peacemaker; what a joke' that will haunting more than any death rattle he's been responsible for -

- excitement he'd never admit to after being told he's a part of Taskforce X -

- the voice in the back of his head that spits that falling in love with any of the other inmates he fucks would be a sign of mental weakness and a betrayal of his personal ethics sounds a lot like his dad, so of course he throws the word his dad's always thrown at him with disgust at the twitchy, introverted technomancer with the beautiful, brown eyes, who Peacemaker's been fucking for almost a year, and feels safe enough to fall asleep next to after they fuck, likes well enough to sleep next to because he likes having him close, who he knows he'd defend, when the technomancer ruins it all when he realises how thoroughly Peacemaker's been lying to himself, in the process exposing his weakness which Peacemaker pounces upon rather than asmitting the truth, admitting to being just as weak, 'come on, Chris, I love you, obviously I fucking love you' Peacemaker's no stranger to lying to himself or others but its been a while since its come with guilt; this shame echoes in his father's voice louder than his own -

- what felt like eons of interrogations after his capture and being steadfast in denying any accomplices, lying through his teeth and acting confused when they mention rumours of another cape in his home town besides his dad, and the relief he felt but would never in his life admit to anyone, least of all Vigilante, when he it finally clicks that he's being asked about it because they know absolutely nothing -

- he fights beside Vigilante and finally feels like he's earning his title, even if their justice is a tad bit extreme --

"You..." half a second has passed, your hand on his, his entire existence echoing in your mind all at once. Swallowing hard as your mind catches on every time his father had blamed him for his brothers death, you try to focus on his immediate state and the fight he'd just encountered, "you know the Vigilante?" Is not what you had intended to say, but it escapes you nonetheless. Peacemaker gives you a sharp look, and you clear throat, "sorry, not important; for the record, your ankles are fucked, but not in a long-term way," you breathe deeply.

"I escaped the fifth floor leapfrogging my way down between balconies," Peacemaker says, before conceding for a moment, "which you probably know already."

"Judging by how you're feeling these wounds, they're gonna hurt like a bitch and need time to recover but none are actually that bad all things considered; from what we have on hand, I'll give you some ibuprofen for the pain and the swelling in your ankles, but I'll stick you with some local anaesthetic for the ones that need stitching up," looking to your medical bag, you considered for a long moment, "then it's just a quick job of cleaning and stitching those wounds up," you give a smile, but Peacemaker's still looking at you like he's waiting for you to react with what you now know about him. With a cheery smile, you request Economos fetch everything you need from the medical bag before turning back.

"Okay, gimme a moment, I'm just going to save everything I'll need to fix you up -"

"Save?"

"From the textbook," reading the concern in Peacemaker's mind as it continues to grow, you elaborate, "I'm literally only cataloguing the information that's relevant to this exact situation so I can have my hand free, and I won't have to carry all that excess information in my head."

"You c-" but you catch the question before it's even fully left his mind.

"I can do that, but I will give it back after; I'm not keeping any of your memories, I don't know you well enough to," you make an apologetic expression for a moment, "care." To your grateful surprise, Peacemaker finally decides to drop his concern about the whole situation; he believes that if you were going to judge him you would have already. The tense set of his shoulder eases.

"That freaks me out," Economos looks a little nauseous as he hands over the supplies you requested and takes the textbook off your hands.

"Which part?" While unfortunately you've been left with several pictures of open, half stitched, and closed wounds at the forefront of your mind, considering you no longer had to see the other ninety-five percent of the images in the textbook all at once, and the text you've saved is comprehensive, and wound care isn't exactly new for you anyways, you find yourself feeling lighter than air, "the textbook?"

"No," Economos stacks the textbook on top of all your others, tone thoughtful, "no that I understand, you know that makes sense, I just can't wrap my head around what it means when you touch a person; their whole existence all at once, how the fuck can you understand that immediately?"

Letting go of Peacemaker's hand in order to prepare your equipment, your head suddenly echoes with the textbook's directions and your own thoughts.

"I wish I knew," came your distracted response as you quickly donned the pair of medical gloves before touching anything else, "can you grab some water so Chris can take this ibuprofen?" You began to draw anaesthetic into a syringe as Economos obligingly heads to the building's kitchenette.

"Was it like an action movie?" Peacemaker's curious and strangely bright tone breaks your concentration where you're trying to flick the bubbles from the medication.

"What?" You deadpan with confusion, "your- your existence?"

"I've done some cool shit, was seeing all of that like watching an action movie?" He's wearing this little, weirdly hopeful smile as he considers the prospect for himself.

"I don't remember," you answered honestly after a beat to consider, to which he frowned.

"You really don't... you weren't kidding about losing everything if we break contact?"

"I remember my memories of the event," you shrugged, "but they're completely mundane after contact; we held hands, I made a comment about you knowing Vigilante but cannot for the life of me remember what prompted that, and I explained exactly how I'm going to fix you up, I only know why I said what I said in that regards because thats still up here," you tap at your temple. In the moments that follow, Peacemaker grants you silence in which to inject part of the anaesthetic into the first stab wound you intended to focus on.

"I'd appreciate it if you tried to keep my whole 'knowing Vigilante' situation under wraps," he asked, far quieter than before. In the kitchenette, you can hear Economos banging around in the cupboards and defeatedly swearing.

"So it's true?"

"You're the one who said it?" Immediately Peacemaker was baffled, while you sat back and soaked a cotton ball with rubbing alcohol.

"Yeah but I also saw your entire existence at once; it wouldn't have been the first time I've connected obscure dots in someone's life and extrapolated and -"

"That's fucking terrifying, and yes, it's true," he admitted. Finally you can hear the tap running. You take the stringe once more, gently prodding by the hopefully numb wound.

"Can you feel that?" You ask, and when Peacemaker shakes his head you begin to carefully swab the wound, speaking up after you've finished and are threading the needle, "he's the guy who kills criminals, right?" You ask, and Peacemaker nods, looking at his hands.

"Whenever I was in town, we both were; we were the justice the government was too much of a pussy to execute."

"How noble," its a neutral comment, said distractedly as you lean in and carefully begin to stitch his wound closed. They aren't the neatest stitches, but having machine-like precision while holding the needle wasn't worth the risk of your bare hand touching Peacemaker.

"Its funny, actually," tone lightening, he even manages to huff a bemused laugh, "we knew about you," it takes a moment for you to fully process this, but he's started talking again before you can properly react, "yeah, we had like, this dream hit-list -"

"Did going to prison blindside you or did you see it coming like everyone else around you probably did?" You ask with a wry kind of amusement, pausing your work for a moment to let your words sink in. Peacemaker rolled his eyes at that.

"It was a hit-list for good, better than some pussy cotary of supervillains," he huffed, "we were trying to enact real justice, not just play catch and release with murderers and a corrupt system."

"Actually," you consider for a moment, "that's solid logic," and you get back to the task at hand, tone turning teasing as you added, "was I ever on your dream hit-list?"

"Yeah..." but it came out surprisingly non-committal, which had you raising your eyebrows; as Peacemaker elaborates without prompting, you secure the final stitch, and set about numbing the second wound, "but like, kind of in the same way every guy our age - every guy who's into chicks -" he amends, "will list The Little Mermaid as part of their sexual awakening - did you see that, by the way?" He asks, and you squeeze your eyes shut.

"I don't know if you're referring to the movie in a general sense, or the moment you realised you want to fuck Ariel, or possibly even when you understood that you could feel that way about other girls, but yes I would have seen it, no I don't remember it, and I wish I could go back thirty seconds and never have this conversation," you wheezed, face in your hands. However, as you surfaced, you're expression reads as both exasperated and amused, and you begin to clean the wound.

"So you wanted to kill me the way you wanted to fuck Ariel," you prompted after a moment.

"Yeah, like more because you're a villain and it felt like what I was supposed to do; sure I enjoyed the thought of it but I'd never consider you nemesis material."

"But Vigilante felt a more personal hatred to me, the villain he's never met?" You snickered.

"Oh dude, you were like his hot-lion-from-the-second-Lion-King-movie sexual awakening -" Peacemaker laughs brightly, and you're glad to match his energy with a grin.

"Kovu?"

You immediately go still, both sitting in this moment where you're both kind of ashamed to be on the same page.

"He acted like it was a full blood fued, always seemed so personally invested in taking you down; he was beside himself when you were caught and they threw you in Belle Reve," Peacemaker chuckles a little awkwardly, before adding, "but still, any time I asked if he thought he could take you in hand to hand combat he'd end up getting hard."

"Don't be gross, you guys used to fantasise about murdering me, I'm not flattered," you told him shortly. Pausing, you realise it's been a while since Economos had gone to get water, though when you look up you see him in the next room with the other three team members in quiet discussion. Clearing your throat, you find yourself sitting back and waiting for the anaesthetic to take effect again; "so was it a power fantasy thing, or do you think murder and fucking were two separate, conflicting desires?"

"Probably a bit of both," Peacemaker doesn't even have to think to answer, and the tension breaks when you can't help but laugh.

The four in the next room look sharply through the window that separates your groups, both wheezing with laughter, even as the movements aggravate Peacemaker's stitches and he's wincing between breaths. You'll fix him up without complaint, and the day will continue whether you want it to or not, but this one moment is unfamiliar in a way that stings retroactively, that you miss despite never having had. There had been hesitation, of course, there's always hesitation about your powers, but you had not been grandstanding and he had decided to trust your word...

It had been a very long time since you had felt like someone saw you as an actual equal.

#vigilante peacemaker #vigilante imagine #vigilante x reader #adrian chase imagine #adrian chase x reader #adrian chase #peacemaker series #peacemaker show #peacemaker hbo max #peacemaker #vigilante #ew its the mod #Spotify

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bisexualsdeservebetter · 2 years

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Confused bi anon here.

So I’m a woman. For almost all my life I thought I was straight. I remember back in high school where I’d comment girls outfits and fashion a lot and my friends give me the side eye. But I didn’t know shit about anything at that time and didn’t think much of it.

Skip forward to now, I still do the same. I find myself staring at girls, wishing I had their faces/bodies or just admiring their beauty. Women are so beautiful.

I think I realized I wasn’t completely straight when I started watching lesbian porn and I found that it turned me on a lot. Now it’s the only thing I watch. But back then when I was clueless and googled stuff I found people say “if you watch it or even engage in lesbian sex you can still be straight as long as you don’t feel romantic attraction to women”. Which confused me even more.

When I search what bisexuality is, it says romantic AND sexual attraction regardless of gender. So me being sexually attracted to women definitely makes me bisexual right? I’m not sure about being romantically attracted since tbh I’ve never met a woman that made me feel these emotions. I find a lot of them sexy tho.

Now idk if my lack of romantic attraction stems from internalized homophobia or not. For the past 2 years I’ve tried to unlearn a lot of the homophobic shit I grew up internalizing cuz of heteronormativity and it has been a journey. Especially when I’m surrounded by extremely homophobic and intolerant conversations society.

So idk... I’ve said a lot but I still can’t make a cohesive question lol.. I guess what I’m trying to say is, would me not being romantically attracted to women, yet, and the inability to ever come out to (cuz of it endangering my life) make me less of a bisexual?

Because even tho I tried to not feel these sexual urges but I just can’t control them. Also one last thing, I think now... I’m way more sexually attracted to women than I am to men. 😭

(Sorry English is not my first language, so my point could’ve been lost along this long ass rant lol)

Thank you 🤍

Alright so I want to preface this by saying I'm not an expert, and the only expert on how you feel is you. Also, I have never been in a situation where coming out actually threatened my life, so I don't know what living like that is like.

So first off, separating sexual and romantic attraction does more harm than good. If you are attracted to women as well as men, you're bi. Although that does count only for like real attraction, not compulsory heterosexuality of course. So like even if you haven't met a woman you want to date, if you're attracted to women then you're attracted to women, and that counts. As you said, if you're working through internalised homophobia it can be really difficult to picture yourself actually dating and being in a relationship with somebody of the same gender/sex. I think as you work through that it'll probably become easier to think about being in a relationship with a woman.

Second, staying closeted, especially for safety reasons, does not make you any less bisexual. If your life would be in danger from coming out, then it is 10000% valid and fair and understandable and reasonable to stay closeted. Please don't feel pressured to come out before you're somewhere safe, and you are personally ready to do it. I truly hope that you are someday in a place where you can safely come out and be open about your sexuality.

Finally, please don't feel like you need to rush into figuring out your identity. It sounds like you've got a lot that you're dealing with right now and I think it would probably be good to just take your time and explore your sexuality as safely as you can. That being said, nothing you listed makes you less bisexual. Again I hope that you're able to be somewhere safe someday, and if you have anything else you want to ask please feel free to send another anon.

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rantingcrocodile · 2 years

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i'd love to join your discord server and tried to!! but i (16 ongoing 17 soon) didn't realize it was adult-only until after i joined and read the rules. intially i thought maybe there was just an 18+ channel, okay cool, i can ignore that, but then after getting to the end of that rules channel it kinda dawned on me that it's a big deal. maybe the staff just aren't comfortable interacting with minors?? i dunno, but i am a little disappointed and confused as to why, because servers like that are hard to come by and that one in particular sounds like it'd be great for me since it's ran by such aggressive protectors against biphobia y'know??

anyway, i asked a member of staff in dms about this 3-4 days ago but i never got a response and am still waiting. figure i'll ask you now if that's okay. i'm not gonna get mad or argue at all btw, i respect the decision, it just kinda sucks lol :,)

I'm so sorry! The reason you'll be waiting on a response will be real life things!

That's also entirely my fault because I presume that everyone who comes to talk to me is an adult and I wrongly presumed with you, so I'm really sorry, that's my bad!

(For context, anyone can join the discord but everything aside from a lobby to wait for verification is kept locked down and private.)

As for why it's an adult-only server is down to a few different reasons.

Most importantly of all, minors need to be kept safe and protected at all times, and since I made the server, I do not want the personal responsibility of having to worry about anything that happens around the server when it comes to minors. Everyone in there is great and I sincerely doubt it would happen considering the people in there, but there's always the hypothetical possibility of, for example, bullying in DMs outside the server. If that happens between adults, then it's an adult problem that's solved by banning the adult behind it and the adults involved dealing with it. If that happened to a minor, then that suddenly becomes a much bigger deal that I would personally have to deal with, getting that minor support, questions about how I could let that happen even if something like that happened without any of my knowledge, etc because if I'd allowed minors in there in the first place, the bottom line is that it would be my responsibility. So no minors.

Aside from that, whenever minors are allowed into a space, then adults around them need to watch their tone and discussions and aren't free to discuss adult topics. That is entirely different to having specific NSFW channels, too. (Which we have, but they're separate, and "adult topics" do not mean "sexual topics.") I don't want to stifle those conversations and self-censor to make everything accessible to minors, or have adults not feel safe enough to share their stories etc because they're too worried about accidentally triggering a minor or exposing them to sensitive, painful topics that are still SFW.

I also personally believe that although there are a lot of minors who are completely comfortable and confident in their sexuality, there are other minors who end up being mistaken for different reasons (for example, a young lesbian who might have severe internalised homophobia who has tried to mitigate her same-sex attraction by telling herself that she's simply bisexual), and I don't want to end up adding to any pressure she's already putting herself under by accidentally reinforcing that, and simply allow her to mentally explore her own sexuality at her own pace, as opposed to the adults on the server who have been through that already and truly do know that they're simply bisexual, if that makes sense?

When you're young, it feels entirely unfair that adults exclude you from conversations. I remember feeling that way when I was your age because I told myself that I was mature, that I was smart, that I was basically an adult anyway, that I could easily be part of adult conversations and whenever I was excluded, it was a personal attack against me, because other minors might not have been able to handle it, but I could. But I just... couldn't. It's genuinely not a personal attack or any kind of, "You're not good enough," it's just that adults have more life experience thanks to nothing more than being alive longer, interacting with the world in a way that a minor can't, wanting to protect minors from anything inappropriate and making sure that absolutely everyone feels as safe and secure as possible.

I hope that makes sense? You are more than welcome to ask questions through here in public, though, and you're not being shoved into the cold to be abandoned because you're a minor. We still care, it just isn't a space that's right for you.

#crocodilian answers #<3

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akajustmerry · 2 years

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hello. sorry for troubling you with this but you always give such good advice and i wish i had an older sibling figure like you in my life.

i'm pretty sure i'm a lesbian, only problem is that i live in quite a homophobic country where recently many anti lgbt laws have been passed which brought my internalised homophobia + compulsive heterosexuality to the surface. so i've managed to convince myself that i should try being in a relationship with a man again and now i'm absolutely miserable. i feel like an awful person for not being honest with him and a coward for not being "out and proud" but the news i see every day makes me so scared and angry (also, my mom reminds me regularly not to come out to people which only makes me feel like it's something shameful even though i know she's just trying to protect me). also the thought that i will never be able to find a romantic partner or have a family makes me feel devastated. do you have any advice how to deal with these feelings? thank you in advance and thank you for doing the podcast and everything else.

hello there ❤️ firstly, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. I've never been a situation remotely similar so I can only imagine how much anguish you're feeling and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry your mum and country makes things harder too.

never be ashamed of the choices you made to keep yourself safe. we make the best decisions we can at the time we make them. you chose not to be out because you knew it would keep you safe and that's nothing to be ashamed of. which is why if I can only give you one piece of advice it's never be ashamed for trying to keep safe. Ever. Everything is second to your mental and physical safety. Prioritise that as much as possible and never shame yourself for that.

If you can and if it's safe, maybe break things off with this man. You don't have to come out and say why. Just tell him things aren't working because you're not happy, or there's no chemistry. I understand you want partnership and to appease those around you, but your misery is compromising your mental safety. So, if you can and if it's safe, break it off with the guy, neither he nor you will gain anything from that relationship.

As to your feelings about romantic partners, I'm not very lucky in that department so I totally understand how despairing it can feel, especially in a difficult family situation. Something my psych tells me and it's never steered me wrong is that: feelings aren't facts. You might feel that you're never going to be with anyone, but that's not a fact. You can't know that because it's a feeling and it will pass. Remind yourself that just because you feel something it isn't necessarily true. Feelings aren't necessarily facts.

Finally, I just want to say that you have a right to feel angry at your mum for saying these things to you, even if you know she means well. Also, again, I can't emphasise this enough: please be safe. Prioritise your safety as much as you can.

I hope this helps. I'm sorry I can't do more, but if anyone reads this and shares some more specific advice with me for you, I'll share it. Stay safe x

#anon

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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 3 years

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I wish I could love being bisexual or queer like so many people do. I have a friend who never struggled with their identity (trans and nonbinary) in terms of self hatred and im incredibly jealous of them. For this reason the only queer person i know cant help me with my problem, though im grateful that they didn’t suffer like that in the first place.

You see, i’m almost straight. I could have lived my whole life as a straight person without knowing better. If I hadn’t decided to actually explore the doubts i had about my sexuality this would have never happened. I’m so mad at myself. Now that i know im not completely straight i cant go back because it doesn’t feel right anymore. On top of that im also incredibly jealous towards trans men (im a cis woman… or not. But im basically a cis woman either way since i don’t want to change pronouns in my native language or transition) because I feel like they get benefits me or any other cis woman will never get in life. I wish i had been a trans man, but unfortunately that’s not me :(

Maybe im just unlucky because the year i started questioning was the year of lockdown so some things affected me more than they should have. Sorry if i phrased anything wrong. (Online) Queer spaces should make me feel welcome but instead make me feel more isolated because i cant relate to anyone on their pride or happiness about being queer.

(Btw, i came out as bi to 2 other friends and they reacted well, but im still afraid to coming out to the “general public” so to speak and my family. I hate feeling like im something to be ashamed of, something that should not have existed at all)

Anon, not everyone loves being bi or queer or whatever, or has to be 'out and proud' about it. Nor is everyone obligated to come out to anyone and everyone if they don't want to. It only perhaps seems like everyone is happy and proud and loud about their queerness because these are the people who make the most noise about it, meanwhile a lot of people who do have issues with it don't want to talk about it or a lot of people just... aren't that bothered either way. It does not mean you're alone in how you feel or that you are unwelcome in queer spaces. Plenty of people do unfortunately experience misery because of it; loads of people have to remain closeted. Many people likely also initially experience internalised homophobia/biphobia for a while, perhaps when they're first realising they are queer or coming to terms with it, but they get past that sooner or later. Meanwhile for many others being bi/queer is just a part of them and they're fine with it and accept it but it's not some big deal to them or something they feel they need to celebrate above any other aspect of themselves. But it isn't something you should be ashamed of. Being queer is normal, it's just a variation of normal. Whatever society tries to tell us and whatever it tries to portray as 'the norm', bisexuality, queerness, these exist and they should exist (because there is absolutely nothing wrong with them), they're just different varieties of human attraction, feelings, behaviour. Queerness exists in people. Why it exists, who knows, but it does and it's very likely it exists because it has benefits for humans overall and has helped in some way to advance and develop human society and civilisation. Even in many animals same sex relationships exist and these may not mean the same thing in animals as they do in humans but it's further evidence that essentially queerness is normal and just a variation of normal and probably does actually exist for reasons which benefit the species overall, when even countless animal species are showing similar feelings and behaviours.

Also I think a lot of people now are likely experiencing similar issues to you because of everything that's been happening recently. You may be unlucky with the timing of questioning your sexuality but I don't believe you're alone in that either. What with the pandemic and lockdowns and restrictions on where people can go and everything I think a lot of people have had more time for introspection and many of them have figured out they're not actually as straight (and/or as cis) as they assumed they were. And put that on top of everything else people are experiencing (like fears and stress directly related to covid itself, or stresses related to things such as being forced to spend more time with family members or losing jobs or having their education affected because of the pandemic) I think many more people than usual are experiencing higher than usual levels of stress, anxiety, depression, these sorts of feelings. That possibly may mean you and others like you are stressed out or unhappy about discovering your queerness in a way you perhaps would not have been had it not occurred at the same time as a global pandemic. Unfortunately we can't change that the pandemic happened or is still happening but I hope you get a little bit of comfort perhaps from being reassured that you are really not alone, both in being queer and in having some kind of conflict or negative feelings attached to it.

I don't really see though how you could have continued to live 'as a straight person' if you aren't actually straight. You questioned that because you had your doubts about it and you had your doubts about it because... it turns out you're not straight. Even if you hadn't questioned it at this particular point in time that sort of thing is bound to come out at some point, unless you ended up repressing it completely which is not a healthy thing to do and probably would have caused you far more mental damage in the long run. You are not under any obligation to go shouting it from the rooftops or even tell your family if you're not comfortable with that for any reason, nor does it mean you're now obligated to stick pride flags all over your stuff or go to pride marches or date or have sex with a person of a particular gender or anything like that, but you do need to at least be honest with yourself I think. I can't tell you to just stop feeling ashamed and expect that to just fix it obviously but I think you do need to realise just to start with that being queer is normal, it's just one variety of normality, and that there are many queer experiences and many ways in which people express their queerness and being loudly out and proud to everyone you meet is only one of them and if that is not for you, that's OK.

I don't really understand your jealousy towards trans men though. By the way you don't have to want to change your pronouns or transition to be trans. Many trans people do that or want to do that but not every one does. Being trans is literally just not being the gender you were deemed to be by others when you were born. Trans men though... they don't have these magical benefits you seem to think they have just because they're trans men. Overall trans men are just people like anyone else and are subject to pretty much all the other issues everyone else can experience. In addition, many trans men experience awful gender dysphoria, they experience transphobia, many will also experience or will be directly impacted by misogynist hate, discrimination and even violence which even though it's misdirected does not cause them any less harm just because they're actually men. And trans people in general do not have privilege or advantages or benefits over cis people because they're trans. Trans men can have privilege over cis women because they're men but they don't have any kind of privilege over cis women for being trans (in fact it's really more the opposite, cis people will get benefits trans people don't), and realistically even a lot of trans men's male privilege can be severely undermined due to them being trans, particularly if they don't/can't come out or transition or if they don't 'pass' as men.

(Also not to try to confuse the issue further here but... if you are wishing you were a trans man and you seem sad that you aren't one... have you considered that possibly you actually are one? From how you're phrasing things I think perhaps you feel you are not truly a cis woman and that you might be some kind of non binary gender? Probably mostly female-leaning and practically almost a woman but not totally female? But if you're so envious of trans men I'm thinking that could really be a sign you are a trans man in denial, or at least much more male-leaning than you think. I'm not saying that's definitely the case but it could be).

I will say finally that perhaps if your negative feelings about your sexuality (or gender too perhaps) are very bad you may be better off trying to find some kind of actual (queer-friendly obviously) counsellor/therapist, be it in 'real life' or online, to talk things over with rather than just trying to get help from queer people in general (because I think while most people in the bi or queer community are going to wish you all the best and have sympathy or in many cases also empathy for you, most of us are not mental health professionals, and if you are experiencing a lot of distress over this issue a mental health professional is really the person you need to seek help from). And I do wish you all the best in trying to get through this and hope you can become more comfortable with this aspect of yourself soon.

- Tiger

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