#connor.vtxt

[angeltrapz]

i feel like shit so uh. if any1 has any chainshipping wingfic prompts i would love to hear them

#chainshipping #adam faulkner stanheight #lawrence gordon #adam #lawrence #SAW #connor.vtxt #got triggered really really bad earlier and im still rlly fucked up abt it #im sorry

[angeltrapz]

should've listened to my gut and stayed home

#i really dont want to be here #my fingers are going to be sore #i cant stop picking my nails #i wish i knew this game was gonna be at my old middle school before i got here #i dont think this is a good place for me to be #connor.vtxt

[angeltrapz]

ohhh my god (uh. trauma talk in tags)

#oh so now ex best friends dad might be on the list??????? REALLY??? #ive wondered that for years #imnot. doing good :) #he was already really creepy w me (put his hands on my shoulders and wld like... massage? we were NOT close. it made me uncomfy) #but now i might remember an incident w him too?????? #that ex friend doesnt even talk to their dad as hes also incredibly trans/homophobic & theyre nonbinary so. theres that #& after their parents divorced their dad was scarily violent (threw a chair once...) so hes already not a good guy #but as far as we knew he didnt do anything... yk. like that. but i always had a sneaking suspicion #just like how im not sure he had a 'crush' on my mom (he was very persistent w her) anymore. what if it was just to get to me? #i know that sounds so paranoid but its why other men have been able to abuse me. they recognized that i had been thru it b4. #im so so tired #connor.vtxt #<- quick reminder that i may talk more abt my c//sa trauma under that tag so please block it if you would rather not see that (if you can) #implied csa tw #im sooo fuckibg tired dude

[angeltrapz]

you ever remember one (1) thing & suddenly it's like you've opened the floodgates

#i didnt want to know all of this #this is all too much i dont know how to cope w this. what am i supposed to do now #i cant even tell anyone about it #connor.vtxt #i really really dont want to put my mom thru that. considering its all abt my birth father #i dont want her to blame herself for not noticing or getting me away from him. the courts said he had to see me & i never told #but now i feel like i have to tell my sisters mom bc the possibility that he put her thru the same thing makes me sick to my stomach #i know it will cause a MASSIVE shitstorm and i dont think im ready for that #everything is too much and i need it to stop for a second #csa tw #(kind of. not mentioned directly but yk)

[angeltrapz]

I don't... think my dad likes women.

#derailing everything into how 'its womens fault actually' abt like everything???? #your wife and my sister are sitting right here????? #connor.vtxt #his misogyny goes way deeper than this but im noticing it more and more. or at least hes getting more vocal abt it #its worrying.

[angeltrapz]

after crying for over an hour I have decided to go the fuck to bed

#actually got sent home from work bc i couldnt stop crying <3 lmao #monday rlly said 'emotional breakdown time? now? right now???' #i know i need to stop punishing myself this way too but i feel so bad bc my mom already has enough shit to deal with #aside from. whatever that was. like it makes me feel like a horrible person to do that when shes so stressed #but shes never blamed me for it. its just smth ive internalized from experiences w my dad and other authority figures #not her or my grandma though #its just. fuck. okay. were doing this now #connor.vtxt #i am such a mess rn lmao im sorry #ill be okay eventually #maybe write smth soft when i get up #or play animal crossing

[angeltrapz]

i... dont think i can write about this actually

#im not ready #i keep trying but i cant. no matter what i do i cant. it sucks because i NEED to talk abt it somehow and i cant do it this way #god. im gnna write smth cute then. itll help a little #connor.vtxt #its like theres a block stopping me. i can start smth but cant get any further than that. maybe another time

[angeltrapz]

whenever I say I like anything my dad will either be like "what?" or "eh, it's okay" and I know I sound like the biggest asshole but can he like. shut tf up

#i feel like im being too judgmental but i have experienced years of trying to introduce him to my interests #only to hear 'thats stupid' or sometimes even wishing violence upon the creators bc i have a primary interest in horror! #yet he takes it personally if he shows ME smth and im not too into it. but i dont constantly tell him its stupid do i? #connor.vtxt #literally why if im gnna talk abt things i like its w my mom. she actually listens and doesnt belittle my interests #its just. i didnt ask how you felt abt it! i was talking about how i enjoy it! i did not ask for your opinion! #god im sorry i just. im. im tired of shit like this. he makes me question even the smallest things. to the point where it annoys others #its exhausting. i just want to be allowed to like things #oh and my favourite thing: when i think hes listening to me and and then i hear 'what the hell are you talking abt???'

[angeltrapz]

hm. anxious

#think my dads pissed off #and he gets home soon #but im watching my sister. im not going in my room w/out her. #fuckin. hes probably pissed at me again #genuinely so anxious i can barely think straight haha i dont. know what to do cause guess what! now hes not responding to texts! #im gnna get yelled at i can feel it #anyway sorry for another post like this #connor.vtxt

[angeltrapz]

love that I can't even be sick in my own house because "I'm being cranky" and "I don't have to take it out on everyone else!"

#interesting. since thats what you do. always. #yes this is abt my dad again. fucking christ. #i dont see how me not feeling well & not talking much makes me cranky. nor do i see how it means im taking it out on anyone #when im NOT TALKING. #connor.vtxt #has he ever considered that maybe im not talking bc i dont have the energy! but im sitting out here to spend time w my family anyway! #rlly cool how he just asked me a question then interrupted me & didnt notice i stopped talking too #but sure im being cranky & taking it out on everyone else.

[angeltrapz]

I wish this wasn't normal to me

#or my sister. or my mom & grandma. #i get so scared when hes like this i know hed never hit anyone but hed scream at us for even the smallest 'offense' #and i get scared to even speak or move #connor.vtxt #im sorry i just. i dont know what to do. i dont. theres nothing i CAN do #& when its like this a majority of the time how am i supposed to 'celebrate' the times when its not? #anyway i just spilled some water and thought i was gnna be sick bc all i cld think was 'i have to get this cleaned up b4 he sees' #and it shld never be like that #hopefully ill have smth better to post abt after camping #i know this is my blog but it feels like a bit much sometimes

[angeltrapz]

i am sick & tired of feeling sick & tired lmao

#already feel like shit and i just woke up #connor.vtxt #my eyes burn like i could go back to sleep. but all i can do is close em and lay there #nothing happens. i dont feel rested. i wake up thru the night at LEAST 7 times and not for any reason #and the stomach pain thing is starting to really freak me out but i cant do anything abt that until after camping #im sorry theres so many vent posts things are just. hard rn

[angeltrapz]

kinda tmi under the cut & in tags lol (pcos/menstruation talk)

found out my constant stomach pain might be ovarian cysts bursting and the doctor basically said "well that sucks lol :)"

#like yeah! it fucking does! i dont want to move! #but thanks for putting someone w pcos on a birth control that has the side effect of not getting periods! #with the knowledge that my body cant regulate them on its own! #im. im just so tired. of everything. #connor.vtxt #theres absolutely no reason she cldnt know abt my pcos. she had my file. did she just not read it?? #basically said 'yeah its fine that you dont have a period. oh but youre in constant pain & are deeply depressed? that sucks' #this is why i dont trust medical professionals sometimes

[angeltrapz]

wanting to be alone vs. knowing you shouldn't be rn

#not that id do smth. i just. would freak out a bit i think #connor.vtxt #that just like. fucked up my whole evening. christ #it jusy bothers me that he knows my triggers and constantly violates my boundaries by talking abt them. constantly.

[angeltrapz]

its feeling worried abt the quality of my writing hours apparently

#smth Always has to happen at night when im alone. #i just. feel like it could be so much better. that i could tell stories better. and i dont really know what to do to alleviate that concern #i have so many ideas. so many concepts i want to explore. but im afraid im not going to write it well #anyway. sorry for venting on main again jdkdbdmsms #connor.vtxt #i dont hate my writing. i just wish i knew why it feels lackluster sometimes yk? #also like. the saw fandom is relatively more quiet than it was this time last year and i understand that + dont resent any1 for it #and i definitely dont want to stop writing for it. sometimes it just feels a lil discouraging. again thats not any1s fault though

[angeltrapz]

I am. so sorry I haven't had the energy to write more (I know I don't Need to apologize for it - esp since it has to do w my mental health, but I keep saying I will and then I'm unable) & to talk,, heading to the doctor soon so maybe we can sort of. figure out what's going on. in the meantime I'm still having many SAW thoughts but also ed//die mun//son is there (my beloved)

#at this point i might need to be back on antidepressants. this is starting to feel. yk. not good/dangerous territory #like im safe but having sh thoughts again is scaring the shit outta me #+ i mean like. it just. is exhausting to feel so bad all the time? and to not know why/how to fix it... #connor.vtxt #god. sorry #im just. tryin the best i can rn and i realizs that maybe i need to take another writing break #just cause ive produced a good amnt of writing for the past year & a half + i want to avoid burnout #its just difficult cause i have Sooooo many ideas i cant wait to write! i just gotta remember to. Relax yk? #not force myself. bc that is a very easy way for me to hate whatever i write #im also just veryyy tired of feeling like shit physically. like. idk what to do. i dont want ppl to think im just fuckin around #but it hurts to move and my stomach cramps are so intense i want to lay down & cry