#already feel like shit and i just woke up

[justalittletotheleft]

i’ve had a very. humbling. day today. feel obligated to blog about it.

i don’t know why, but i decided to listen to hypno literally all of last night. just track after track playing in headphones while i went about my night. even while i was doing homework, i put a subliminal on super low volume as “study music” (𖦹 . 𖦹)

it definitely didn’t help that i was high as a kite, but the trances just felt so deep. i genuinely felt like i had no control…

needless to say, i woke up in an absolutely soaked diaper. so full in fact, i leaked all over my pjs and my bedsheet. meaning i had to do pissy laundry for the third time this week. fml.

i got changed, threw in laundry, then started to tidy up and make my bed. i bent down to grab something and felt the urge to mess, i wanted to wait a little, like this diaper only and a few dribbles in it so far, so i tried clenching down. and it didn’t work. the mess just slid out of me, and it was a lot. so within maybe 10mins of putting on this diaper, i’d completely packed it with last nights dinner (ಡωಡ)

it was so gross and smelly, that i just changed immediately. i hadn’t even done proper diaper prep, so i would’ve definitely gotten a rash if i sat in it.

against any better judgement though, i put on a pull-up.

i had an internship interview and there was no way i’d feel professional or smart in a diaper! i told myself i’d just go to the interview, and come straight home, leaving no time for leaks or anything.

the interview didn’t go great, that’s fine is wasn’t a great position anyway. but! i kept my pull-up dry! the entire interview! so i got a little cocky…

i had to grocery shop today, so why not just do it while i’m out? save some gas, then i can stay at home and relax the rest of the day! so off i went to the grocery store.

kinda having accepted my (temporary!!!) toilet troubles, i’d put a lot of stuff on my grocery list for going 24/7. i’d already ordered 3 cases of high capacity diapers online, but i needed stuff like more wipes, bed pads (cause of last night), more pull-ups, etc. i know it should be normalized and not embarrassing to buy incontinence products, but i was just so flustered pushing a cart full of pull-ups and baby powder. like this isn’t a medical issue for me, it’s something i trained my body to do apparently cause i’m too horny (⌒_⌒;)

i felt a few leaks happen while shopping, so big deal, my pull-up can take it. by the time i’d gotten checked out and back to my car, it was pretty wet though. as i was putting my groceries in my trunk though, i felt my bladder twinge. weird. could’ve sworn i’d just leaked a few minutes ago, but who cares, pull-up can take a little more. so i pushed.

bent over the trunk of my car, i proceeded to not only soak, but also mess my pull-up ╥﹏╥

i leaked through to the front of my pants, very obvious wet spot on my crotch, plus the strong smell of shit that now surrounded me…

i drove home, windows down, sitting in my own shit and wet pants. thank god i have leather seats. also, no one was around when i brought in groceries in wet pants, so dodged a bullet there too.

it’s just been. such a day.

having to fill up my old underwear drawer with thick diapers, texting my fwbs and telling them i can’t hookup this summer (cause no one wants to fuck someone who sits in their own piss all day), even just going out in diapers! 24/7 seemed so elusive and fun, but it’s wayyy more embarrassing then i could’ve even imagined (*/ω＼)

even to add insult to injury, i had to shave my cunt tonight! after i’d showered, my pussy still smelt like stale piss and powder. i’d been told that hair holds scent a lot, but i didn’t believe it. i’d just gotten my bush to the length i like after shaving it clean back in february (cause i was horny, what can ya do?) and was so happy about it. having hair down there just feels so much more masculine, but if i’m going to be in diapers all summer, it had to go for just sanitary reasons.

it smells and feels much better now that it’s shaved, made powdering up a lot less messy. i even got to look at my bottom growth better, it’s almost a full inch! does feel incredibly infantile that i have to cover it in baby powder and thick pampers everyday though (/ε＼*)

anyways, i’m nice in padded in one of my last abdl diapers until my shipment comes, gonna take that nightly edible and probably listen to more hypnosis and play stardew. these little updates don’t do as well as my captions, but i still feel obligated to post them. i did put myself back in diapers, might as well live blog the journey for y’all to get off to 💕

[corruptedcaps]

Blast from the past

Some of my older stories have been banned permanently from Tumblr due to some NSFW images. So every once and awhile I will repost them with new SFW images (look for the #cc unbanned tag). This is one such story. Enjoy!

----

"Hey Shaun what is this stuff?" Chloe called out to her husband while sifting through the few remaining undamaged boxes from their flooded basement. She found one marked 'Shaun and Jordan'. Shaun hurried over but when he saw the box he seemed to go pale.

"Oh. That's stuff from my last relationship, way before I met you." He said slightly guilty as Chloe opened the box and started sifting through.

"Leather jackets? Switchblades? Cigarettes? Keys to a motorcycle? And what's this?" Chloe said pulling out a stack of pictures with the top one being one of a young rebellious couple making out next to a motorbike. Her leg was wrapped around him and his hands were all over her. Chloe realised that this was Shaun and Jordan. She was taken aback.

"Wow Shaun I never knew you had a biker phase." She said half teasing half curious.

"As I said it was a long time ago, I'm not proud of that period of my life. I stole, fought, commited such heinous criminal acts. But that’s not me anymore." He said. Chloe moved onto the next picture which was of Jordan posing suggestively on a bike.

"And what about her? What about Jordan?" Chloe asked.

"She... She died in a motorbike accident. After she died it was like I woke up to all the stupid shit I had been doing with my life. I packed up all our belongings into that box and forgot about it. It's not who I am anymore, don't worry. I should go into town and get some supplies to clean this all up, I'll be back in a bit." Shaun said kissing his wife goodbye.

Chloe, however, had flipped to another picture of just Shaun on a bike and she was fixated. He seemed so in charge, so manly, so tough in the past, it was kind of turning Chloe on. Sure she loved Shaun now but sometimes she wished there was a bit more fire to him.

Chloe flipped back to another picture of Jordan. She was stunning and had the tightest body Chloe had ever seen. Her eyes were so piercing that Chloe felt intimidated just looking at her. Chloe felt light headed as she heard a voice drift into her mind. "He could be that man again." It said.

"But how? How can he get his fire back?" She said in a dreamlike daze.

"He needs his bad bitch girlfriend by his side. You need to become the new me, the new Jordan. I'll help you bring the bad boy Shaun out." Jordan seemed to say from the picture. In her daze it made perfect sense to Chloe.

"Yessss of course, he needs to remember who he was." She said in a trance.

"You want to be me, you've always wanted to be a bad ass bitch and now here's your chance. I'll warp your body and mind into Shaun's perfect little slut then he'll be yours forever and together you will be the baddest couple around. Doesn't that sound good?" Jordan purred.

"Mmmmm fuck yes, Chloe is such a pathetic loser. I want to be Jordan." Chloe moaned in pleasure as she felt her pussy get slick.

"Goooood. Now if that is to happen then you'll need to look the part. Don't worry, this will feel amazing." Jordan whispered as Chloe felt her tits expand out of her sweater. She moaned in pleasure as she groped her new breasts in pleasure.

"YESSSSS fuck yes I want more! Make them bigger!" Chloe demanded.

"Now you're acting like me." Jordan said cackling to herself as Chloe fell more under her corruption. Her tits swelled even bigger and Chloe ripped off her top to better appreciate her new weapons.

"If these don't light a fire under Shaun nothing will. I'm such a hot bitch now." Chloe said vainly touching herself all over.

"You're nearly there. Now pick out a tight outfit from the box to really become me." Jordan enticed her but Chloe was already a willing victim. She pulled out a form fitting leather corset and loved how it barely contained her new tits. The more she admired herself the more of Jordan slipped into her.

"Mmmmm soon I'll have my alpha male back and then we'll show this town a thing or two about fear." She said cackling to herself. Chloe was almost completely taken over by Jordan but there was still an annoying little piece of goodness residing in her. Jordan knew just how to get rid of it and fully take over.

"That's it my little pet, now just one last step and we will be one. You'll be a true evil bitch like me, maybe even badder. Go to the garage, I have a gift waiting." Jordan said and Chloe felt a shiver of anticipation pass through her like it was Christmas. A smile curled up her lips as she entered the garage and saw waiting for her was a motorbike. Not just any bike though.

"Your bike." Chloe said running a hand across the sleek metal becoming more and more turned on as she did.

"You mean your bike? Don't you want to be Jordan? Don't you want to be me?" Jordan whispered.

"More than anything." Chloe said her voice dripping with lust.

"Then climb on and start her up." Jordan said and Chloe stalked over obediently. She threw her leg over the powerful machine and instantly felt at home. She turned the key and started it up. The vibration from the engine made her wet as she straddled tight to the machine.

"Doesn't that feel good? Only thing that beats it is a good hard fucking. Now Rev it up. The more you do the more of me you let in." Jordan said seductively. Chloe revved it again and again each time getting closer and closer to orgasming. She moaned as she felt Jordan's soul begin to merge with her own with each Rev.

"Oh fuck FUCK! Yessss I feel like such an evil bitch. I feel like a hot bad ass slut! I feel like Jordan! NO! I AM JORDAN!" She screamed as their two personalities crashed into one another. At once Chloe had new memories flood her mind. She was Jordan now and it felt perfect. She ran her sharp nails down her transformed body in ecstasy.

"Shaun has been missing a real woman's touch and a real woman's pussy but once he gets a look at me he'll forget all about weak little Chloe." She said tieing her hair up into a mohawk. She loved how it looked. It made her look like a woman not to be messed with. Just then she heard a car pull up outside.

"Hmmmm speak of my devil. Time to get him playing on the dark side again." She said with a wicked smile. She heard him go into the basement with the supplies he just bought and she followed patiently after him. Her high heels clacked loudly on the metal stairs she descended causing Shaun to turn around.

"Chloe? Is that you?" He said certain it was but began doubting himself the more he looked at her.

"Try again lover." She said in a breathy voice and tone he did not recognize her having before. It was like she acting like...

"Jordan? No this can't be real." He said backing away.

"What's the matter baby? You look like you've seen a ghost." She said smiling knowingly while approaching him

"What have you done with Chloe?" He said unable to take his eyes off her body while he continued to back away.

"Me and Chloe had a little talk and decided it was in everyone's best interest if you got a little of your fire back, a little of your passion. That's why I'm here baby, you need your evil muse." She said eyeing him sexily and hungrily.

"No I want Chloe back, I'm not that man anymore I'm a better man. I'm a good man!" He said as she backed him into a corner.

"A good man maybe? But a better man? Not even close." She said and then pounced on him locking her lips on his. He fought at first against her soft warm lips but the more they continued the more he lost himself to her. He was transported back to when he was young and carefree, when he only gave a fuck about one person. After about a minute he was pushing her against the wall and moved from kissing her lips to her neck.

"Oh you fucking nasty slut I've missed you. And I've especially missed this tight little thing." He said as he stroked her pussy.

"There's my man." Jordan said while helping him take off his pants. She undid his belt and his pants careened to the floor.

"Mmmmm nice to see somethings haven't changed." She said licking her lips as she gazed at his huge member.

Original note count before ban: 285

#f2f #corruption #bitchification #magic #evil bitch #corrupted clothing #evil couple #corrupted couple #cc unbanned

[angeltrapz]

i am sick & tired of feeling sick & tired lmao

#already feel like shit and i just woke up #connor.vtxt #my eyes burn like i could go back to sleep. but all i can do is close em and lay there #nothing happens. i dont feel rested. i wake up thru the night at LEAST 7 times and not for any reason #and the stomach pain thing is starting to really freak me out but i cant do anything abt that until after camping #im sorry theres so many vent posts things are just. hard rn

[bizarrelittlemew]

calling it right now that season 3 starts like this

#so confused about people saying the season finale feels like the end because to me it didn't at all #there's like 5-10 issues immediately set up for another season #they're in a happy place at this point because they've both realized their love is bigger than anything else #and makes it worth working on their problems together #the problems are still very much there #both of them have deep self esteem/self loathing issues that haven't been resolved in the week since ed woke up #ed doesn't know about stede's trauma #they haven't talked through anything #and they'll be shit at starting/running an inn lmao it's not gonna go well #and those are just some of the internal issues #then there's prince ricky and all the authorities that would very much like to get their hands on both blackbeard and stede bonnet #because stede just full-on kept using his government name after faking his death. nice one #the crew are not “gone” they're more like off to college for a bit but will probably run into trouble immediately #again because while they escaped to the ship they didn't eliminate the threat (the british empire) #it's not a forever goodbye #ok this got super long already anyway i have a whole fic marinading in my brain until i've finished these 4 wips i'm in the middle of ✌️ #hope we get a renewal soon because i want to see the rest of their story!! #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd s2 #ofmd #our flag means death

[poorlittleyaoyao]

A thing about trying to plot out QS canon-divergence fixit where the marriage is averted is that the obvious solution to “she was already pregnant before they knew the truth” is, well, end the pregnancy. The wider world doesn’t seem to know that she’d conceived prior to marriage, so can’t be more than a month or so along as of the wedding for it to be plausible. People have been inducing abortion in dire circumstances despite physical risk and moral stigma throughout history. QS has magic at her disposal and the means to remove herself from society unnoticed during the recovery period, and even if it’s taboo, is it more taboo than incest?

#tfw when the text’s misogyny results in everyone operating on post-Roe Texas logic #*post-Dobbs rather #like come on JGY grew up in a brothel he would know how shit gets done #I can only see him not suggesting it if he’d witnessed someone dying from attempting to give themselves an abortion #and his panic brain was like ‘it would be Just Like That and she would DIE HORRIBLY so we must marry!’ #and even then it doesn’t explain why QS’s parents wouldn’t suggest it! #or (more distressingly yet still plausibly) pulling a Hoster Tully and forcing it #don’t mind me I woke up in the middle of the night and started pondering and now I’m grumpy #bc it’s like you either have to go FULL divergence where she and JGY never hook up at all #or you don’t give her the information until she’s already in the marriage and her options are much more limited #bc if she finds out at the same time JGY does possible outcomes either feel like a PSA about the importance of abortion access #or (if she marries someone else or otherwise sticks it out) GOP glurge about how keeping a pregnancy is always fine and good in the end #miscarriage cw #just in case

[tinukis]

i open up sabosan tags here (like any1 else but 4 ppl will talk about it) and i immediately see someone hate on it

idc that youre aroace bc i am fucking too but DAMN??? who cares if they havent met. shipping is for fun. you dont have to fucking yell abt how much you hate a ship and tag it. you sound So miserable.

and holy SHIT you didnt have to state ur reasons like YES. WE KNOW. THEYRE CALLED RAREPAIRS FOR A REASON. rarepairs are called rare bc they either never met in canon/barely interacted.

but also im surprised that sabosan already got a hater like??? DAMN??? NOT MANY PPL KNOW ABOUT IT YET

and who fucking cares if ppl ship something bc they find the characters hot. i'd want to see my two favorite characters kiss for whatever reason!! these guys are fictional characters and theyre meant to be played with like dolls

anyway sabo and sanji are making out Right Now on the kitchen counter (sanji is sitting on the counter)

#sabosan #i just woke up and already feel miserable come ON #LIKE sabosan quickly became a fav ship of mine and you just Had to bring ur negativity into the tags #fuck you genuinely #why cant you Just leave ships alone #esp if theyre harmless like?? #maybe i sound miserable myself if im talking about this #but holy SHIT let people enjoy things #it's not fun to be a hater actually #tin talks

[toastsnaffler]

woke up randomly in the night and my flatmate is in the bathroom so I can't go pee and immediately go back to sleep incident 7493 dead 19923 casualties

#GIRL PLEASE ITS BEEN 15 MINS. I NEED TO FALL BACK ASLEEP STAT I HAVE TO BE UP FOR WORK IN 3 HOURS. EMERGENCY!!!!! #ik shes not working today so she can do whatever with her schedule but i cant fall asleep again until i peeeee #and the longer im awake the harder it is for me to fall asleep. and ive been so fucking tired latelt already come on 💔💔 #actually come to think of it the reason i woke up so suddenly is probably cuz i heard her door slamming #which is fine she can move around the flat whenever she likes. not like shed stop for me anyway. but hurry tf up in there #whats she DOING. if shes taking a bath or showering im fucked. maybe i should just piss in the kitchen sink lmao #UGHHHHH. #.diaries #well all we can do is wait. man im gonna feel like so much shit at work today :(

[astrxealis]

sorry to ffxivlovepost always anyway Man the way the devs & game did so good in making an mc that is Basically a blank-slate for the players, and there's so many opportunities to make your oc However you like but. the game itself adds so much story and character to that blank-slate guy. amazing

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #⋯ ꒰ა ffxiv ໒꒱ *·˚ #i think abt this a lot. and also a lot of other ffxiv stuff LMFAO #it's amazing ..... drk is a huge example of this i think #bcs it plays into the guilt and whatnot the wol feels and all that. spectacular #endwalker !!!!! shadowbringers!!! the way the game uses the concept of hope is just always so beautiful and fascinating to me #and yeah bunch of games may have like. mc you create & design but not always can you like. ehvejfhsjf idk how to explain LOL #it is 4 pm i woke up 2 hours ago but priorly woke at 7 am after havingn a rlly. weird sleep. #to which my twin told me 'i wont tell u what time it is' as we went to sleep so it def was Really late #bcs we were going thru re2 and she was also playing games on steam i've been telling her to play #(to which i got her fav characters right and knew fr how'd she'd like the game LMFAO. twins amiright.) #actually that is also smth so fascinating to me bcs. i always have had someone w me in my life. i am literally never alone. #to which what i'm getting at here is Wow... it's like having a sleepover every single day. and i was a kid always sad never to have #sleepovers bcs my parents were strict (they r cool tho!) but i was a kid who wanted to experience all the kid things #but i didn't rlly but that's fine :P i am a grateful person LOL anyway back on track back on black #ffxiv... the game that u are..... #it's the 1st game that rlly actually made me invested in the ocs of others and also make a fully fledged oc that wasn't just originally mine #but for a fandom or something. and also it got me back into writing and Into making poetry and prose so. yeah. #it's amazing how much. oc x canon ???? yeah. ffxiv is so Wow #like eveyrhhting w themis or graha and how u can AAGGGHHH shit w your oc . so many possibilities #and that character. those possibilities. are already in game but also expanded by the player and the fanbade and #idk it's so beautiful to me WHAGHSGDJDH. and yes me saying themis or graha up there is self-indukgent bcs #both of them are so Insane it's so. insane!!!!! i will never forget what happened in abyssos in particular that Broke me #and anabaseios... :)) i cried so much it is almost embarrassing. and wow. asphodelos. wverything w themis just. yeah #anyway graha... self-explanatory if u know..... idk he's the character of all time to me. simply said. but themis is crazy bcs going thru ab #yssos made me think for a bit 'hey themis might be my fav character in ffxiv now' but No but also Wow. wow #kinda cute bcs me and my twin have a thing where she has a certain type of chara she likes and me too #so sometimes. most times. all times. we have our own characters we like anyway but sometimes they overlap but either the case we kinda #lowkey 'segregate???' idk if that is a good word but we do that w our fav characters. so like emet is her fav elidibus is mine. #and that was all the way in arrr alr and we barely knew spoilers so that's kinda crazy! anyway

[roadimusprime]

trying not to believe they turnt the Internet off before they left for work. 😒

#Absolutely something my dad's wife would demand. #Keep in mind this is the same woman who took away my laptop in highschool after I missed one work assignment. #Whatever. I am using 4G. #I noticed it was off before they left and then I woke up to see I had a text from my dad telling me the Internet is off at 6 am. #Y'all I could literally just use my phone (as I am now) or play the sims 2 all day or read or #Like. It's not the Internet that kept me from going to work #Or kept me awake for to long that made me ''tired'' (I even got the correct amount of sleep) #My mental health is just shit. #And yes I already planned on going to work today. #So it's not like I was going to stay home to begin with? #When I call out it is for a day. #And yeah. I already called out earlier this month after Covid #But that's cause I was still feeling the effects of Covid. #Do cameras need a wifi connection? #If so. Maybe one of them went to check the cameras #And they actually didn't turn the wi-fi off at all. #Loon.txt

[hella1975]

going out when you’re eighteen is like ‘omg what am i gonna wear ive got to shower and find an outfit what if they all hate me how am i supposed to dance’ and going out when you’re nineteen is like ‘pres starts at 8 so im going to have a nap now before putting on the same clubbing trousers ive worn for an entire year and joining people i love who love me too in my own kitchen’

#life is so good #i love it here I love my flat i love my friends #i love getting older and by extension getting more comfortable #both in life and myself #AHHHHH UNI MY BELOVED #like my mate stayed the night and we camped out in my living room #and she literally joked about how ‘one thing about you is that you always seem to have stories attached to the places you go’ #bc it turns out I’m the friend that just randomly when we walk past places is like #‘I woke up there once’ ‘I went to a pres there last year’ ‘me and x had lunch there last week’ etc #and she said how I already had a story for my flat bc of being locked out and having to sleep in the living room #and like!!! yeah!!! and she’s only just left now and we have lunch together sat on my countertops listening to phoebe #and we went to big tesco to buy cutlery and a bowl and boring shit #and me her and the flatmate i don’t know that well (she’s a friend of my other flatmate so I’ve only met her like 5 times) #all sat on MY bed and talked for ages and it wasn’t awkward #and just yeah I have a rlly good feeling about this flat #and having a nap knowing when I wake up my other friend will be moving in and then I’m gonna talk to boom for the first time in ages #and then everyone’s coming for pres at my place #it’s so so lovely <333 #hella goes to uni

[surpriserose]

i get why people are like people being exposed to gay and trans stuff wont make them gay or trans like okay but it would be cool if it did

#Listen social contagion shit isnt real but also im like? If it was theres no reason to care if theres more lgbt ppl unless you hate lgbt ppl #Idk if that makes sense just like i feel we're not getting at the root of the problem here because conservatives will call you a satanist i #You say what im saying but i do feel like the strict adherence to the born this way logic was fine in the early 2000s to the 2010s but like #Idk if it works now like i feel like its stupid to be like dont worry gay and trans ppl are born this way conservatives your precious cishe #Children are safe if they learn that gay and trans ppl existb🤗 kind of irks me like yeah its right? Like its really only gonna help people #Who were already lgbt realize or come out of the closet sooner but also im like who cares if it did make ppl gay and trans thats not a bad #Thing idk im rambliny and i dont think i make any sense and also i just woke up but like shusvsksishros

[gentlethorns]

god this SUCCCKKKS i'm trying so hard not to be negative and look on the bright side but there like. is no bright side lol. i am angy

#she bork #tbd #idk like i said yesterday this position switch sucks and i'm not a fan. no benefits. also i'm mad bc this is supposed to be my weekend off #but i work tomorrow bc technically monday and tuesday were my days off (even though monday was a FUCKING HOLIDAY so no one works) and i #haven't had a weekend off since like the beginning of the month. two weekends ago doesn't count bc i was supposed to work sunday and didn't #go in bc it was MY WEEKEND OFF and no one told me about the schedule change and then when i found out i accidentally no call no showed after #i woke up i was really upset and anxious all day. we have a friend over this weekend and he comes today and i do not want to go to bed at #fucking like 9 pm bc we rarely see him. that and i feel like shit as it is lol i feel like my arthritis is flaring up bc we're in a cold #snap. so honestly i'm considering calling in tomorrow but i haven't decided bc i don't want to fuck up my attendance anymore than i already #have bc they put me on a corrective action last week bc of the aforementioned ncns and like i'm not exactly in danger of being fired but #being on a ca is not good. so i'd rather just let a sleeping dog lie and take the L on tomorrow lol

[spaceradars]

i have a hole in my chest and a knot in my throat bc of some dream i had last night i cannot stop thinking about this is officially driving me insane

#it was one of those dreams that just feature a story in them you know? like. #as if im already aware of what happened to people in my dream beforehand. who they are what they want etc #and i woke up this morning 5:30am because it felt too real like. i genuinely had a knot on my throat and a hole in my chest #it made me sad. angry. joyful. insane. all of it #i genuinely woke up and started sobbing. then i went to sleep again still sobbing #i felt like shit and i just feel like im mourning someone i’ve never met #it’s so weird but so real at the same time

[butchtoro]

grips you all by the shoulders i dont know how much longer i can keep doin this man

vent n suicide mention in the tags i ran out of tags so i cant tag it dear lord it's all angst

#just woke up and feel like im dying already #all because of two very dumb factors #ooga booga i have bpd . i am burning from the inside out #i saw a post about bpd saying there are no metaphors to describe it because there is no beauty there is nothing poetic #it's just neverending pain and suffering and knowing you will die by your own hand very soon #and . yeha . no matter how i try to twist it into words that can help others understand while also not making them uncomfortable it doesnt #work #i can tell you it feels like knives are stabbing and dragging down through every inch of my being inside and out but that is still not close #enough !!!!!!!!!!!!! #your brains just . convinced everyone is out to get you #everyones saying shit behind your back and you are hated by every single person you love #and no matter how many time you're reassured you're just pushed deeper and deeper into that belief #n you're also just . so angry #so very angry #furious at yourself most of all but you also hate everyone you love #because they don't love you . they're lying to you . #they say they aren't but no liars want to get caught #ans then you're absolutely sure abandonment is happening so you push and push and push away #maybe you're a piece of shit to them bc then you know they left you bc of that and not because you're you #maybe you bring them too close in an attempt to stop it from happening and it happens anyway and you want to die #and you will die . it's so easy to die with bpd . it takes every fiber of my being to stay in my room rather than going to try and die #it's just batshit . you feel like you're inherently wrong and you dont have a place anywhere #you feel like you're losing your mind when mood swings happen because they will happen and they happen fast #a moments silence from someone you love is disastrous and world ending but on the other side they're just doing a small task #and forgot their phone #and it builds up and up and up and up until you cant mask anymore you cant pretend you're healthy anymore because you're not and then you #lose everyone #ive lost everyone so many times and i dont have many people now so im more or less clawed into them . they cant leave me too #i dunno . i dunno . bpd is so impossible to verbalize it's physically painful and i mean that i really do #you feel it in every part of you and you feel so empty and so alone even if you're not and then you feel nothing

[v-iv-rusty]

why is it that getting up at around 7 on a weekend feels bearable and often happens naturally whereas getting up at almost 8 on a week day makes me feel like a fucking zombie

#misc.txt #I'm not even rly like. able. to sleep in on weekends anymore. sometimes but not usually #at least w/out feeling like shit #if you already woke up once around 4 and again around 6 there's only so much effectiveness sleeping in has after that #but on weekdays it's. not even the thought of work making me tired I just want to lay here and not move ever again

[albonium]

i'm having a day

#i went to bed feeling like shit i didn't even shower #so when i woke up i had to shower and wash my hair #i almost was late my hair was still wet #then my colleague didn't give me anything to do #i had to read bibliography..... #at one point i called the medical material place to tell them my grandma would like to keep renting the wheelchair she has #and that's when a colleague (that's kind of a managzr of somz stuff in a way) came in #i mumblrd something about my grandma but didn't clearly say what i was doing so now i fear he thinks im just on the phone whenever i want #then he gave me work and explained stuff to me that i already knew #but for some reason i couldn't voice it out and i looked stupid #then i went back to waiting bc we haven't recieved the samples yet #now it's supposed to be my lunch break but the colleague who has a microwave in his office was on the phone #so im waiting for him to be done to eat #the guy i share an office with hasn't even left the sem room to go eat in the cafeteria yet which means he'll have to come by #and i don't want him to see me eat #bc they guy did triathlons and is all about the grind and intermittent fasting etc etc i know he's judgy #tw food