#cause I'm gonna fucking spiral if I can't get this through.
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#don'tfuckin even read this one I'm just pissed and angry and despair as all hell rn#tag talk#vent#nothing makes me wanna kms more than the struggle to get any basic level of healthcare that I don't pay myself#I've been waiting two fucking weeks for my response and nada zilch nothing.#I called... “we're sorry we cannot take your call right now” and they hung up on me. the automated robot fucking hung up on me#hi please yes I need to figure out if y'all just forgot me or if there's a step I'm missing because I haven't heard back in two weeks.#sorry can't deal right now call back later bye *click*#ughhhh ughhh ughhhhhhhhh do I just find the local in person office and wait in line? is that what I do??#that's what I had to do last time so maybe I do here too#social anxiety might have to take a break. we turn into Lear today? I think we turn into Lear today cause godamn ntohing is getting done#if that doesn't work I just cut out that design I've been thinking of putting right under my left ribcage#cause I'm gonna fucking spiral if I can't get this through.
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for the 150 steddie prompts!!
132: “i didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much.”
(i used a number generator thats why its so random)
have fun!!
Oh, this is gonna be mushy. I'm feeling mushy. I'm gonna be in a wedding next week and am feeling so many mushy things about it, and I just finished writing the "speech" I'm giving (I am hoping I can just like privately do it tbh) and got REEEEALLY emotional so.
Rated T | tags: modern au, steddie wedding (a stedding if you will), fluff
🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻🤵🏻
Despite Eddie's insistence that everything would go perfectly, and Nancy's overbearing organization, and Robin's attempt at keeping Steve from knowing when something went wrong, things did not go perfectly.
The rain started five minutes before they were supposed to start the ceremony and Steve immediately started spiraling.
"Rain is bad luck! It wasn't even supposed to be cloudy today! Nance, what do we do?" Steve was pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hair, ruining it's previously perfect style.
"First, we just wait a few minutes and see if it passes. You take a breath or five. Robin is gonna make sure the guests are staying dry inside the reception hall," Nancy answered, typing furiously on her cell phone.
"And then? If it doesn't stop? Do I just marry Eddie in the fucking rain?"
Nancy looked up at him, eyes squinting as she considered an answer.
"Your first kiss was in the rain, was it not?" she finally settled on.
"I don't see how that has anything to do with-"
"And the first date, that ended up with you stuck in rain after a concert?"
"So?"
"The first time he said he loved you was during a storm."
Steve felt some of the tension ease from his back and arms.
"And when he asked you to marry him, you were waiting for the rain to stop so you could walk the dog he didn't tell you he was rescuing."
"That was-"
"Yeah, so I think maybe we can just relax when it comes to rain. It's clearly not the sign of bad luck you seem to think it is," Nancy went back to typing furiously on her phone.
"Who are you texting?" Steve asked, sitting down on the arm of one of the chairs in the room.
"Dustin."
"Is he okay? Is Eddie?" Steve stood up, ready to go check on them himself, but was immediately stopped by Nancy's firm grip on his shoulder.
"Everyone is fine. Chill."
So, he chilled. Or tried to at least.
Nancy continued to text and the skies continued to pour down rain.
After ten minutes, he stood up.
"We can't keep people waiting. It doesn't look like it's gonna stop, so-"
A knock on the door interrupted him, causing both him and Nancy to turn towards it with wide eyes.
"Stevie?"
"Eds?"
Steve opened the door, even though he was supposed to wait until they were actually getting married to see him today.
His arms were full of Eddie before Nancy could slam the door shut.
"What's wrong, baby?" Steve asked, arms tightening around him and breathing in the smell of his "nice" cologne.
"'S raining," Eddie mumbled against his neck.
"Okay, that's it. Both of you are getting married now." Nancy tugged them apart and out of the room, her strength somehow still surprising to both of them.
"Nance-"
"Wheeler, it's pouring and-"
"Shut up."
One thing about Nancy Wheeler is she was a bit scary when she was determined, and right now, it seemed she was incredibly determined to get them married.
The rain was still coming down, but Nancy didn't let that stop her from dragging them to the arch surrounded by rows of seats.
She stood under the arch, eyebrows raised as water dripped off of her.
Steve and Eddie stared at her, then at each other.
They both started laughing.
"Might as well do it, then," Eddie shrugged.
"Dearly beloved, we are stuck out in the rain today to see these two idiots get married-"
"Hey! This is not what we agreed you'd say!" Steve argued, cutting himself off when Nancy snapped her fingers.
"We're gonna cut this short because this rain is cold, but they've both prepared some things to say," Nancy gestured for them to get started.
Steve had known what he was going to say for months now, memorized it and practiced it in the mirror almost every morning while he was doing his hair.
But it didn't feel right now.
"I didn't think it was possible to love someone this much," Steve said, squeezing Eddie's hands in his. "Standing in the rain to marry you makes sense, now that we're here. All I care about is you, all I ever care about is being with you, rain or shine or snow, bad times or good."
It was impossible to tell for sure if Eddie was crying or the raindrops were running down his cheeks, but when he spoke, Steve could hear just a slight rasp to his voice.
"You remember when I finally kissed you for the first time? The rain hadn't stopped all day and we both looked ridiculous, kinda like now, and you were just pouting up at the sky, and I couldn't hold back. I can never hold back with you. I'll kiss you in the rain for the next 100 years if I live long enough to do it, sweetheart," Eddie said softly.
"Alright, kiss each other!"
"Aren't the rings next?"
"Robin has them, we can do that part later."
Eddie pulled Steve against him, fronts flush against each other.
"Think we could find somewhere to mess around in the rain?" he whispered against Steve's lips.
Steve's eyes flashed over to Nancy, who was already walking away.
"Kiss me and we'll see."
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No way! I feel flattered!!!
Remember what I said before? About the sysmed server not knowing I exist? Well! It appears as though that would now be an incorrect statement! (More under the cut)
Let's go at this like it's English class, shall we? Dissect this post for it's contents?
"If you get this server taken down, we'll just make another server. ... If it comes to that, we'll just share the links in private GCs ..."
Well. Ain't that a kick in the head! If one server gets taken down, it's entirely possible to take another one down for the exact same reason! And saying you'll only hand out links privately... hate to break it to ya, but I, the host, am a Theatre kid. Acting is a hobby, and one I'm damn good at. You hand out links privately, only to people you deem trustworthy? Honey, that is my forte. ;)
"You're getting mad and defensive over us calling you out ... Instead of wasting your time reporting our server, maybe focus your energy on reporting servers that are actually harming people?"
Whoa, slow down there, hoss. Take a breather. You ever thought about why we're here? In your Discord? Taking screenshots and leaking them?
It's because, surprise surprise, fakeclaiming is harmful. It doesn't matter what it is, if you're getting fakeclaimed over a unique and individual experience/identity, that can (and sometimes will, sadly) cause a spiral that can lead to some nasty places. Depression. Isolation.
Even places like self-harm and suicide.
We are here because your server is harmful. We are here because you present an active threat to the community. But of course your HIGHNESS can't bear to think they're the problem!
"Addressing the ban claims, at one point we did ban a lot of faker systems from our server while rooting out a mole. Everyone from that event has since been unbanned. If you are still banned, its for a reason. Claims of us 'banning just because we can' are false. I could take a screenshot of our ban list and give a reason for every single one."
*Sips cup*
Yeah, I think we can move on from this one.
And now, the quote I've been so desperately wanting to address...
"Gip, because I know you’re in here, kindly stop sucking Ghost’s dick and get your own opinions, it would do everyone good. That goes for all of his little zombie followers. If your lives revolve around people on an online messaging app screwing around, re-evaluate your life choices."
Wow, where do I start with this one?
Blatant misgendering, bordeline going against their own rules when it comes to naming people on the server- I have 20 followers! And even then, you're still going to drop a version of my username? Just like that? Mmmmm...
I have my own opinions, thanks. I don't need a circlejerk discord to make me feel better about my own shitty fucking existence, cuz I have the balls to outright admit I'm a petty asshole with no fucking life. And my opinion is that people like Sophie, people like Cambrian and Lunastas and Guardian- all of them are fucking right. They have all proven they do their goddamn research, they actually give back to the communities they inhabit, and most of all, they aren't leeching off of people just by fucking existing, as hard as it is for you guys to believe.
(Also, if you're gonna insult someone, get it fucking right lmfao. Ghost is the goddamn host, Sophie is not Ghost. Two different people. Also, I'm fucking Asexual, so um, projecting much?)
Wow. As of writing this, they literally just got worse!
Well. You see, while I personally choose to censor Discord usernames to close loopholes like this, it's actually not the same as if you sent a Tumblr handle. What you're seeing in those screenshots are not identifiers, they are server nicknames. Which are specific to THAT SERVER ONLY. Unlike places like Tumblr and Twitter, where seeing your name automatically means someone can find you, on Discord it's actually not possible (that I know of) to doxx someone through a server nickname alone. So no, actually, Sophie didn't leave your username out there, only a server nickname, and the two are not the same. So yes, actually. Because Discord is it's own site with it's own way of handling usernames, it is perfectly acceptable what Sophie did (although not perfectly ideal), because nobody is going to be able to use those names alone to doxx and/or harass.
And finally, the final update as of writing this post... the almighty @ everyone ping...
Damn. I don't even have to AP English IV this shit, they already did it for me!
To sum it all up, phew... I guess I'm a target now! Which I'm honestly pretty damn fine with! But just know, I don't fuckin hold back. I will be a bitch for the sake of being a bitch, because I don't care how petty I am. I don't care about what people think of me, or whatever the fuck you could ever do to me.
I care about defending people from the likes of you.
So go on. Give me your best shot, then. You have the balls to call me out in front of your entire Discord server?
Challenge accepted, motherfucker.
Challenge accepted, motherfucker.
Challenge accepted.
Let's get 'em, bitches!
#syscourse#sophiecourse#pro endo#pro endogenic#system stuff#endo safe#r/systemcringe#r/systemscringe#r/fakedisordercringe#r/didcringe#I dont care how you interpret this.#Active declaration of war? Sure.#Just an asshole being pissy on the internet? Go for it.#I have my reasons and my motives#cw suicide#cw self harm
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Hey guys, it's me my new account,
Today I will would like to apologize for mistake and hateful anything okay, here some story about Why send of Death Threat for not drawing dragon fire Kirby sleeping and not taking request,
Here some story
On June 2, 2023. I sent the Request dragon fire Kirby sleeping at inbox as anon to ferahntics.
Moment Hours later, Ferahntics didn't draw dragon fire Kirby sleeping and not taking request. Ferahntics said "I'm sorry anon, I will not taking request, if I do I will post on future"
Five Months Later On Nov 30, 2023. He was so angry for not drawing dragon fire Kirby and not taking request since five months ago, I used on phone and sent to death threat as anon,
Moments Later. Ferahntics is saw the death threat and hateful message for not drawing dragon fire Kirby sleeping and not taking request, and then ferahntics is posted said "What is Happening"
2 hours later. Ferahntics is Blocked me for sending death threat and Hateful Message.
And Later, I used on another account on Computer, I using Website and Pixlr E, then I Edit on profile picture, these are Photos like Michael de Santa from GTA V, and Unknown Hanging image, and I send to inbox and hateful message as anon,
And moment later Ferahntics is posted and said "To anons sending me death threats, and gore images and wishing I get killed or s'xually assaulted"
7 Hours Later Ferahntics are Posted and repost two times and then Hundreds of User are Blocking Me,
8 Hours Later on Dec 1, 2023.
I Tried to Apologize like a childish or Logan Paul like saint, or something? And I posted and tried to apologize three times,
5 hours later, Ferahntics has reposted said "I'd love to leave this post alone, but they had the guts to make another account and send me the most insincere, most childish, most ridiculous '''apologies''' that make Logan Paul look like a saint. New account is sleepinglovers293return so block that for ya'll safety too."
And then Hundred of User are Blocking me Again,
That's all of story.
Ferahntics must be proud and support
Thanks to all of support and I'm appreciated for Blocked by Hundred of User.
And I'm sorry for sending hateful message and death threat and g*re image.
I Promise I will not sending death threat, g*re image, and Hateful Message,
Hope you like some story
So I was gonna ignore this but this just pisses me off an unbelievable amount, so a lot of swearing incoming.
You sent me endless messages wishing I die, how you'll kill me, how you'll SA me, how you'll torture me all because I didn't want to draw your request because my requests were closed.
And you know what? If my requests would've been open, I PROBABLY would've done it! Cause I didn't think anything of it, I didn't know it was a fetish thing, I learned that later. And after all of this, absolutely won't do it.
And now you have the fucking audacity to spam me once again with the worst apologies with fucking gifs of Homer from Simpsons begging, still use the false identities as to apologize - as if that somehow undoes anything??
Do you think I'm just gonna ignore this and pretend like nothing happened and let bygones be bygones? After all of these disgusting messages about actual things that can impact people VERY badly and cause them spiral? Or go through a traumatic episode just because you got a little bit mad cause I didn't indulge in your fetish which I didn't even know about?
You wanna know what would be the best thing for you to do right now? Stop making new accounts, quit spamming me and anyone else, and take a long-ass pause and reevaluate yourself and how you go about it, because none of this should be thrown around so freely. I don't care 'its the internet, who cares' - because no matter how many times you say that, there will always be people who will get scarred very badly just because you can't handle your hissy fits.
And if there is anything I can do about it, I WILL make this shit known, because I'm lucky enough to not be mentally affected by your nonsense. Someone else, however, might take it extremely badly. That being said, I WILL mention all of your account names, because I REFUSE to let someone else have this shit spammed.
Until you can prove you've changed and matured, I will not accept any apologies - I don't owe it to you - and I WILL keep updating with your account names.
Sincerely,
get the fuck off of my page.
#sorry for the long post but I feel like I've been extremely patient with this#i think i'm allowed to be mad in this case#i genuinely hope you can learn from this and avoid this in the long run#but seeing how you've been pushy with others?? it makes me think otherwise#and also ty for this ask and admitting you were the anon sending me all that shit so you can't say it was hearsay
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can i please request “i can’t fuck this up. you’re all i have left.” with ollie bearman where the reader tries to break up with him cause long distance is hard but he wants to make it work (hopefully with a happy ending)
love your writing btw ❤️❤️
Ollie Bearman- Disconnected
a/n: ironically enough i'm actually doing long distance rn lol. anyway, hope you like it!
pairing: ollie bearman x female reader
summary: you and ollie are doing long distance, but you feel like you can't anymore.
warnings: cursing, angst, tears, sad ollie
word count: 1240
not my gif!
~
my love 💋🏎️
You stare at the incoming Facetime call of your year long boyfriend. About a few months ago your mom started asking about your relationship which you didn’t mind, you loved talking about Ollie. At first they were normal question like how his racing was going or if you guys were getting more serious, but she said one thing that stuck in your mind:
What’s your guys' plan when he leaves?
When she first said that you were confused. Plan? What plan? It was going to be the same as if he was here, you thought. You’d text and plan to spend time together and then you’d go home and do the same the next day and if not, the day after. Then you started thinking about how far away he was going to be, the time difference, and that he may not be so close as a text away.
Right before Ollie left for the first race of the season, he reassured you that he was always going to be there for you and that he would never forget about you. He gave you many forehead kisses and a big hug before telling you that if you needed anything at all to call him. For the next 2 weeks, you were lonely, but you spent that time with friends and family, keeping busy to try and get him off your mind.
However, your anxiety kept you up for hours at night, leading you to think about what would happen if he met someone else. You knew this would happen, you figured your mind would easily spiral with him not there, but it was more than what you thought. You were constantly thinking about what would happen when he would meet someone else, and you’d even prepared how you guys would break up if need be. You knew it was fucked up, but at least it would save you some heartbreak.
You sigh and hit the green answer button that had become a routine for you both. The FaceTime goes through, and Ollie’s beautiful brown eyes are now staring into yours.
“Hi honey!” he beams.
You felt your eyes sting and quickly blinked away the tears that had been building up for the past few months. “Hi.” You said, a bit more sad than you wanted it to sound. Ollie immediately knew there was something wrong, his heart aching that he couldn’t be there in person to comfort you.
“Oh Y/N,” Ollie said, his face contorted with worry. “What is it, love?”
Tears started to stream down your face, your breath becoming shakier. Your anxiety started shouting at you, telling you that you should let him go so he can find someone better.
“I don’t know if I can do this anymore Ol,” You blurted. “I’m so scared you’re gonna meet someone else and drop me, and that-”
“Hey, whoa whoa.” Ollie knew you weren’t worried about other girls. So when you said that, he was worried.
You had always been confident in yourself and him that he was never going to cheat on you or you him; you guys always had that trust. Sure, there were girls that would flirt with him right in front of you, but you knew that even if you weren’t there, Ollie wouldn’t do anything. He loved you too much.
It broke him thinking that was even a possibility to you. Even as awkward pre-pubescent teens, he knew you would be his. When you had crushes on other guys and told him about the dates you went on, a little sliver of him would still hold out for you. In his mind there was no one else he wanted to be with. You were it for him.
“What’s happening up there, love? Talk to me.”
You took a deep breath. “I don’t know, we’re still young and everyone’s telling me we shouldn’t be in a committed relationship, and that we should be having fun and all that. It’s our ‘prime years’.” You had heard that line too many times from your mom. You looked down at your bedsheets, hearing a sigh from Ollie on the other end. It finally felt good to voice that to someone, and even better to him.
“Love, look at me please.”
You looked up at his beautiful face. There wasn’t a wrinkle of stress in it.
“There she is. My beautiful girl.” You sniffled and wiped a tear from your face. “First, what’s worrying you?” He asked slowly.
“Dunno. Everything.”
“Okay, what’s the biggest thing on your mind?”
“I’m just scared that we’re missing out on stuff.”
“Like…?”
You sighed. “I don’t know, going to parties and getting wasted and kissing random people and stuff like that.”
He took a trembling breath. “Do you… want to see other people and kiss them?” You heard his voice crack slightly.
It broke your heart that he even had to ask you that. “No! No, I just feel like that’s what I should be doing. It’s my first year of uni, you know? I should be doing that.”
He chuckled. “Love, you and I both know if you thought a random stranger was cute, you’d make out with them.” You nodded in agreement.
“Right, but… Look, I love you, but sometimes I feel like I don’t at the same time which is fucked up I know, okay, and I just feel like- I, we-”
Your thoughts got stuck. Only once or twice this has happened where you couldn’t voice your feelings to him.
“Y/N?”
“I can’t fuck this up.” You blurted. “I feel like you’re all that I have left and if I lose you, I lose everything.”
There was a long silence between the both of you. How could you fuck this up? Ollie never thought in a million years that you would be the one to ruin your relationship. In fact, he thought he would. On your first date, Ollie was so nervous that he dropped your drink when he was giving it to you because he was nervous about your hands touching. When you went to the mall and rested your head on his shoulder he just about screamed out of happiness.
He sighed. “Y/N… are you happy being with me?”
It was an obvious answer to you, he was always there to support you and made sure you were safe and cared for, which was something you always wanted from a boyfriend.
“Of course I am.”
“I love you, and I know you love me, right?”
“Yeah,”
“So why would we give each other up for someone who doesn’t love us back? You’re all I’ve been looking for, okay? I always have and will know that you care for me and love me. Slap me in the face if I ever say I want anyone else.”
You chuckled. It was suddenly silly to you that your brain was making you think and feel this way. Yes you had heard your mother say Enjoy it for what it is and You’re bound to grow out of each other. But you never felt like you had to act or slightly change your voice to make Ollie like you. You were always genuinely at peace when he was around, and your heart would leap whenever he rang the doorbell to pick you up for one of your dates.
You love him and he loves you. It was that simple.
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Hooooooooly crap your latest Azul fic is probably the most intense, jaw-dropping roller coaster ride I've ever been on. Like oh my gosh, starting it off with such a suspenseful scene was such a good way of getting the reader's attention- not to mention the spiral as to how it even gets to that point. The in-betweens were so fucking good!
Absolutely obsessed with the way you describe the scenery and the inner turmoil, like it's so poetic and just creates such a delicious imagery!! The fluffiness in the first vow was soooo tooth rottingly sweet- Like holy crap got me giggling and kicking my feet over here. I absolutely adore the way you wrote the mc, especially with how well she was at handling Azul's negativity and self-deprecation at the start. Just the way you're able to make the reader's feel the same way as the mc- I was SEETHING. The amount of times I got so frustrated with Azul- Especially with how he tried to get her to stop working, like dawg, she's doin' it cause she likes it, JUST LET HER HAVE THIS ONE THING
I was so glad when mc called it off when she did, cause ain't no way Azul was talking about some "You don't care for me as much if I'm healthy" LIKE WTF ARE YOU SAYING?? LITERALLY RIPPING MY PILLOW TO SHREDS RN
Aaaaaaa and oh my gosh the way mc just snaps- just says 'fuck it' and just lets everything out was so satisfying yet also so scary cause like- bro's definitely not gonna just accept that. Holy crap the bits of dialogue as he realizes mc was leaving- I can't. I'm not okay. Like the build up?? Like we know what's about to happen, but the way we see his perspective as it's about it happen- My mouth is agape. Eyes bulging out of skull- THAT WAS SUCH A GOOD SCENE!! Actual chills
Ending it on the hospital scene as his mentality just reverts back to how things were before her- Ugh... I can't- I can't function anymore. I have never been gagged so much by fanfic- like the life has been sucked out of me in the best way possible
Definitely will be re-reading, there's no way I could be fine with reading it only once
Such a satisfying conclusion too- like oh my gosh <3
OMG OMG THANK YOU!!!!! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH AAAAAAAAAAAA (≧◡≦) ♡
I wanted it to feel like a fic that suffocates you with sadness and emptiness while you're reading it, so opening with the aftermath of the murder felt appropriate! It sets such a haunting mood because you don't quite know why Azul did this or what happened for things to turn out this way (until you read the end of the fic), which only makes it more unsettling the further you read.
:D I'm so happy you enjoyed many aspects of the fic, especially the short-lived fluff in the beginning! I think that was my favorite part to write out of everything (although the hospital scene is a close second). Azul and Reader were so genuinely cute together in that scene. T_T if only it could be like that always...
And I'm especially happy you liked the way I wrote the reader's character here!!!! I wanted her to be more in tune with emotions than Azul is because it felt like a nice contrast to the very out-of-control, emotional Azul. She's honestly such a sweetheart who is just trying her best to be genuinely kind and loving despite the situation. Azul is so frustrating here, so the fact that Reader could remain patient and gentle throughout six entire years of their marriage... It felt satisfying to write her finally snapping at him, so I'm glad that was a scene you could enjoy! I liked switching perspectives partway through as the focus strays from the subject of Reader and her bringing up the divorce to Azul's disturbing behaviors as he begins to lose himself to his fears and insecurities. And then he just shuts off and tragedy ensues. >_< it's heartbreaking and scary and so many other unfortunate things!!!
And the hospital scene oooooo yes yes!!!!! Azul's psychology in this fic is so fascinating to me. He really did mean it when he said the reader was his world, so with her no longer in it his entire existence undergoes this drastic shift and suddenly he's not whole. He's lost a vital part of himself, the part that felt loved and appreciated, and so now he's back to floating through life with this lonesome emptiness and self-hatred. Now the world is small and devoid of color. Now it's just monochrome and cold.
Aaaaaaaa I loved writing him in this state of slow, uncertain delirium and the way he panics when the nurses won't answer his questions. I also greatly enjoyed writing him using the phrase "my wife" over and over because Reader is no longer just her own person to him. She's Azul's. His wife. And then there's also the symbolism in Azul killing Reader and knowing that no one else will have her ever again and that, because he got to take her life for himself, it will be no one else's. It's not even Reader's anymore.
Forgive my ramblings!!! I'm just very happy to know you liked the fic and that you will be reading it again!!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!! 💖
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🏴☠️ Laudna and Imogen or Ashton, whichever you prefer
Prompt
Now that I've released the set-up for a "pirate" AU, let's have some fun with specific characters
Imogen doesn't usually retreat to the Green Cabin when she needs space.
The converted Captain's Quarters belongs mostly to Ashton, the rocks and soil keeping the Titan blooded genasi from going too stir crazy on a ship far from their element, and a little bit to Orym and Fearne, both keeping the plants growing within happy and healthy.
But usually her mother (who left never to return before Imogen could even remember her) isn't on her ship and necessitating a locked door to get the hint that she doesn't want to talk to her.
"Just say the word and this smuggling job never happened," Ashton says from where they lounge against their favorite dirt pile, eyes never leaving the grinding, rasping metal file they're taking to their nails.
"I do not want to murder my mother," Imogen insists, for once not entirely sure who she's trying to convince, and picks up the speed of her pacing.
"Then what do you want? Because right now, it looks like you're searching for floorboards the hard way in here," he says mildly, miss-matched eyes flicking up to track her for a moment.
Imogen groans in frustration flopping down next to the genasi. It's a fucking marvel that it feels like falling against a stack of pillows, and the brief thought of what kind of Titan bullshit they must pull to make it so wanders through her mind.
"I think what I want is for her to respect that I'm the fuckin' captain of this ship and not the toddler she left for whatever the fuck she thinks she's doin' that's gonna fix the whole mind readin' mess better than my circlet does," Imogen finally vents.
"Can't really help with that," Ashton shrugs, putting the file down on a spread cloth and picking up a bottle of rock polish. "Mind shit is yours and Letters's wheelhouse."
"I know. And even then, it's not like we can force people to change their minds. Plus she's probably better at it than me anyways," Imogen complains. "I just– It should not be too much to ask that she look at me and see an adult capable of makin' my own decisions, ya know? 'Cause I am capable. Got a whole ship to call my own to prove that I'm so capable."
"Laudna needs to find more words to describe you than 'capable' if you're going to start in on it too," Ashton muses.
"You take that back," she says in all mock seriousness as she shoves their arm for the slight against her girlfriend, equally gratified and annoyed when they choose to sway with the force that couldn't actually move them.
"I don't think I will," he deadpans, soldiering on before she takes it into a spiraling distraction of faux pettiness. "You want her to see something other than what she thinks she sees, you're going to have to shock her. Hard. Like the mutiny, when the fucker realized I could have sunk this ship the moment I decided I was fine going down with it."
Imogen shudders at the memory. The bloody battle of the mutiny had been scary enough for a back country witch-girl that barely knew what she was doing. But she'll never forget that moment when Ashton stalked across the deck for the then-captain. How the planks groaned as if Ashton's considerable weight was even greater still. How the sea was smooth and the air still under storming skies in that moment, all under the control of the eidolons answering Ashton's call. They hadn't known Ashton was Titan of blood back then, but there was certainly no denying in that moment that the ship's luck, it's fate, was in Ashton's hands. And he wasn't doing anything he hadn't been forced to do before to bring it there.
But...
"I have no clue what would shock her enough to understand that I'm not the helpless little girl she abandoned," Imogen laments.
"You could get hot and heavy with Laudna in the middle of the deck," Ashton blandly suggests.
"...You've been hangin' out with Fearne and Chetney too long," Imogen chokes out after processing that suggestion. "I'm not subjectin' Laudna to- to voyeurism just to get my mom off my ass!"
"I dunno. She might be into it if Pâté's anything to judge by."
"Sh-shut up!" Imogen blushes furiously.
The asshole laughs at her.
"So definitely not Plan A," he continues blithely. "Could always murder the shit out of the next problem we come across. Nothing like being bathed in the blood of your enemies to break a sense of innocence."
Still not great, but definitely better than dragging Laudna into that.
"Maybe. I think it might be best to workshop it around," Imogen hesitantly agrees.
"Sure. Your problem, your choice. We'll be there."
That's what Imogen likes about this crew: everyone handles problems in their own ways, but they also have each other's backs. Always.
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Love In the Air Ep 12 Review & Running Commentary
Previous reviews and commentary can be found here.
Are we ready for the pain people?? No! Well, me either, but still. I'm going to put myself through it. Masochist. That's what we all are.
We start off cute with dork boy getting a paper cut and Sky freaking out. Yes, I'm aware it wasn't actually a paper cut, but it wasn't much more than that either. It twas a mere flesh wound. The coconut is enjoying being fawned over a bit much. "Why are you smiling." "The pain makes me go crazy." 🤣🤣🤣 Nope, not worried all. Omg, I bout fell off the bed laughing when he scared him. Dead. I'm soaking up all this joy while I can. "Worried about me? I think it will heal faster if you kiss it." Did he really ask him to kiss it one more time. This boy is a simp. Is he gonna keep the band aid too. He can't help it your honor. The boy's cuteness drove him insane. It was a very long drive but none the less.
Omg, the brother is a dipshit, but I love him. Who are you to call someone silly! Ha! Are they seriously arguing over the type of dog. Are you really locker room talking. I am dying here. "He is a delicate and lonely boy who wants to be loved." Tell me Pai doesn't understand Sky. He gets him. I love how he is rambling on about his boy, and they are just listening. Soft teasing but actually very supportive. Seriously though, you notice how much attention he is giving to Sky. He knows him now.
Don't go to the party! Ha! Text from boyfriend asking him to shop with him. Party is less important. And off on the date they go. Couples' shirts! They are so stupid but look how Sky is smiling. HA! Look at Pai calling his boy out. I love it. Seriously though shit is always cheaper at a mall compared to a university.
He chose this place because he remembered you saying that you love barbecue. Oh! They brought it up. He's feeding him. So cute. I'm fucking dying you guys. And don't come in my comments talking about how you didn't like the wife comment. This was fucking hilarious. He wasn't using it to demean the female race or his partner. He was mocking him. Like bitch, you can accept being called boyfriend or they can know just how intimate we are. 🤣🤣🤣 The fuck boy has turned into a much better flirt.
Ah, the condo. The infamous condo where they first did the deed. Sky smacking him. These bitches are for sure switches. Ahh, assuring him that he is the only one. "When you snarl at me, I want you to do it again." The honest flirting is the best. See, Sky makes Pai a better person and he won't even deny it. He lays himself bare, with no qualms at being vulnerable.
That kiss was so sweet but now the heat is coming. I love it. Pai is like, screw the birthday party. That whine in his voice says it all, lol. Oh! Did you guys catch the "I'm yours, all yours."
Uh, I wanted to see it! I'm gonna whine. Fine. We are at the party now. Fucking, stupid party. You said it because you meant it. You are all his. This is not going to go well. He is like, I don't know who you are cayote ugly.
From this point on, I'm going to fill in some of the gaps with words by @akitbeast Cause my ass isn't going to risk a flashback while my two babies are sick. Depending on the trigger or flashback, I could push through to be there for my kids, but it wouldn't be great. So, to be safe, here is her commentary. Meet you at the next section.
TW: Sky watches party boy drapes himself over Prapai, and he's beginning to spiral. The lights, music and all are getting to him. He runs back to the car. He's flashbacking in red while he weeps in the car. "It's happening again"
TW: Back to the party. Party boy is interrogating Prapai, who is talking highly of Sky. Party boy makes a move, Prapai turns him down.Party boy looks like he's not done. Prapai walks out and is seen by someone.
Sky pretends to be asleep in the car when Prapai comes back. Prapai is worried but understanding that he's tired.
TW: Guy, who saw Prapai walk out calls Gun, lets him know he's just seen Sky, and he was with Prapai. He reminisces about Gun allowing him to do to Sky (verbally, no images). Gun is interested, wonders if Sky still remembers what he taught him. 🤢🤮🤮
I'm back! Okay, so we are at the point in which Sky is making excuses not to see him. Pai isn't stupid, not when it's important to him. He knows he has done something but doesn't know what. Still, he isn't giving up. Look, guys. We have a female coconut! Pai is hot. He doesn't know what is going on and doesn't know how to find Sky to fix it.
Sky answered to a number he didn't know. Notice that the first concern for Pai is that he is worried. Oh, baby boy, you are saying everything you expect him to say to you. The pain! I'm gutted! So is Pai.
Remember, Pai knows Sky better than he knows himself. He is just up in his feelings right now. See, he is starting to think. He knows better. Knows something is up. See why having such a determined person is important.
Sig is so perceptive. Total coconut but perceptive as hell. If he doesn't get a series, I'm gonna cry. Maybe it's just better to cry.
The sunflowers. He feels him everywhere. Sees him everywhere. Suprise, he is there! He might know, but he is pissed. Oh, you are killing me softly with your words. Strumming your pain. Damn. Poor Sky. He isn't even reading. He knows it line by line. He is killing me. Damn Pai, you need to hug him. Damn this love confession got me dead. I'm not crying. You're crying. Fine! I'm crying, but you know damn well that you are too. The begging is half gutting me and half a turn on. Don't judge.
Yup, this all started because you hugged someone else. How about you not do that. Kid, you are still worried about that. This man hid in a dark room, waiting lawd knows how long, for you to come back. Look at Pai reassuring him. Sky opened up about his ex. I hate that dude. A fucking wanna be dom his ex was. "I see nothing at all, cause love makes me blind." 🤣🤣🤣 "Then I'm permanently blind." "I guess we're both blind."
Rain, adorable white crayon. Pai is laying his claim all over the place. Wouldn't it be easier to just pee on him. Damn. These buffalos. Just Mark Your Territory Already! They are cute now. Their room! Damn!
That's all, folks. Hope you enjoyed it. 💜💜💜 Next week is gonna be rough, so remember to buddy watch! Wish you all the best.
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Who Else
Aaand breathe.
...gggguhh. S-sorry. That was. Uh. Super embarrassing.
...
...Thanks, for, uh. You know. Being... my crutch, yet again.
...Will you be good to work tomorrow?
...(shrug)
There might be stressors. I don't want you spiraling.
I can do it.
...
...Uh, if I need to-- need to leave, though, I will.
I don't want you to be alone at home.
What, I'm not gonna do anything. I'll go straight to bed.
Peppino...
The fuck you want me to do then? We can't just-- close the store for tomorrow. We need the cash. And we gotta take care of the weirdos living in our vents.
You should call Gerome.
A-- AH? WHAT? Why?! O-oni--
RrrrRrrr. Hang on. Hear me. You should call him, because this is making you feel like this. Maybe you two can have a talk about it.
Like FUCK am I ever gonna face those Pillars after hearing this today. Oni, that's a horrible idea. I can't do that.
...Gerome still cleans the shop, every weekend. Does the blood and stone on your hands still stain him? Even if it does, what does he do then? He still brings his broom and mop to our Pizzeria. He dedicates himself. No malice in any crevice no matter where you want to find it.
... What did you just--!? When did you get so--...
...
...(sniffles)... y'can't just.. assume that... he-- he.. could... he could be doin' this because he.... he...
...
(hic) good-- good god.. Oni, I don't know, it--
...Wouldn't do any harm to try. But only if you want.
Christ... (sob)
RrRrrrr... sorry... here...
Don't--
?
--Don't leave this spot with me. I need to think for a while.
Rrrrr.
...
...I don't want to alarm you, but I also remember.
(sharp inhale) Fucking-- no, seriously? O-oni that REALLY doesn't help right now-- wh-what do you MEAN you remember? What do you remember?!
The dread you felt. The grief. Terror. Remorse. The rotting dark muck inside of you every night that prevented you from sleeping. All of it--
(hyperventilating) oh god WHO ELSE r-remembers-- WHO ELSE-- shit-- SHIT--
RRrRrrrrrrRRrr...!! Peppino..! Here, here, hey!
YOU LIVE WITH ME AND YOU KNOW I WAS A COWARD! AND SPED THROUGH W-WITHOUT THINKING! I COSTED A LIFE, I--
I know. You don't have to believe me right now, but you need to know that this is okay. I do not hate you. Nobody hates you. Not even the ones that caused you such torment.
(harsh, heavy breathing)
Everything you have done outweighs the loss that could have been had. A miracle to a privilege to even be able to make this world even better. You took it. You did it. Peppino, you're amazing.
Igh...!! (gross sniffle) I'mgonnapassout...
Rest. Want to take a bath?
Th-th--that mi-- th-- (panting) Th-- that sounds-- great. Actually. C-can we? F-fuckin-- smooth talker, asshole--
Rrrrrrrrr. Let's get you calm... breathe again... rrrrr....
H-how do you know what exactly t-to say, I don't get it. Goddamn-- demon-- (breathing in, slowly, shakily, for a little while; starts to calm down)
...You... you care. Too much.
It's the least I can do.
#;pizzaplot#;second lap#new tag incoming))#;pizzawhump#<--this one will be used for the more angsty posts))#;oni speaks#;peppino speaks#long post //#me a couple hours ago: wrow ppl rlly liked that angst i wonder if i can just--))
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Writers truth or dare when you have time
😘
🍓 🎲 🛼 🐚
I haven't even attempted to start any work yet today. I'm so tired. Ugh.
So instead I'll keep answering hehe
🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?
The year was...whatever it was when I was 11 or 12. And I was really into a band and thought of stories. But actually wait NO!
Okay so me and my old childhood friend used to act out stuff. Like...oh gods I'm gonna throw myself under the bus and expose how much of a dork I was. But we LOVED Inu-Yasha. And one night during a sleepover, it was a super boring episode, so we were like "what if we created our own stuff and played it out?" and thus we started doing that.
We did this for years, y'all. That is how much of a dork I am. But I've always been creative, and so I started writing stories for this band I was into, and then it spiraled from there.
My friend and I switched to typing out stuff on MSN (gods, I'm aging myself) as well, so I was writing in that sense as well.
And I kept writing fanfic. I've been doing it since I was 11 or 12, and while there's been periods where I've slowed, I've never stopped.
🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time?
Depression. Medical issues that cause exhaustion. The two playing in tandem?
My depression can really fuck with my mind, but writing actually helps me get through it. So I'd say more my medical issues that make me as exhausted as I am, and then I can't write.
🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis
🥰😴👨🏼❤️💋👨🏽🔑🩵
🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?
Dislike.
I am a person who likes control. Who likes knowing what is going to happen and when. I am not a surprise person.
WRITER TRUTH OR DARES
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Jeremiah x Thomas has SO MANY GOOD IDEAS. (Which like warning for the talk of incest and sexual abuse and the like?)
- The first one I was talking about of him holding back, Thomas dying, then it leads to Wayleska.
- Ya got cheating Thomas 👀
- Yandere Jeremiah who takes out Martha to have Thomas
- Martha dying somehow (not by Miah like the last one) and Jeremiah being there to comfort Thomas eventually, after a while, things could maayybe get a little spicy with them lol
- Jeremiah accepting Thomas' offer to join them for dinner, becoming part of the family, and Wayleska starts earlier after Thomas dies as they already know each other.
- Or Jeremiah saving Thomas that night in the alley as he's invited to the movie with them too. (Which can tie into the earlier one where he comforts Thomas through his grief of Martha dying.)
Aaaand continuing on that thought!! (This is where the fucked up shit is really gonna start lol)
Jeremiah saves Thomas, whether or not he's confessed his true feelings to Thomas is up for debate in my head. Probably not tho? But he can't save him forever and eventually Thomas is killed.
Now, Jeremiah and Bruce both feel like they can't protect those they love and want justice. Jeremiah is gonna take care of his little brother, of course, it's what Thomas would've wanted. And he reminds Jeremiah of him so much... And maybe he's been fantasizing too much for too long without relief. Get where I'm going with this? Jeremiah takes out his grief and sexual frustrations on Bruce. He corrupts Bruce and accidentally calls him Thomas on more than one occasion, but Bruce is a good, little brother and wants to make Jeremiah happy. So, if he sees him as Thomas sometimes and it makes him smile, then he'd be Thomas to him. Maybe that's the only time Jeremiah is even Jeremiah anymore. Maybe the rest of the time it's fucked him up so much that he just hurts Bruce physically or verbally (when Alfred isn't around) because the reminder hurts. But, also, protecting Bruce from everything is hard when he's running off getting into danger, so sometimes he has no choice. Tough love and all that, right?
Of course, I also like the idea of Valeyne being introduced into this thanks to someone on here. (If you see this, hi, idk if you wanted to be tagged and credited for this spiral of thought lol. Lemme know if you do 'cause I'll be happy to tag ya!)
Jerome treating Bruce as Bruce in his own, strange way, and Bruce likes it. He's already being abused, so he doesn't even take issue with that. He's just happy to have someone see him as himself and not his father anymore. And maybe he's really into the danger Jerome brings with him like it's his shadow. Jerome lets him get into dangerous situations, he is the dangerous situation most the time, and he just laughs about it. Miah certainly wouldn't have been laughing.
My brain can't handle this anymore lmao
Wait wait wait bring in Bruce's clone and the four of them can all fuck. Now I know that's been written somewhere lol
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fans of the SPIRAL POWER SHOW when their movie theater chair starts spinning:
and more moviegoing/dub thoughts below the cut!!
okay. i'm gonna be as organized as possible about this but i am probably gonna be all over the place and add to it later LMAO. BUT.
4dx thoughts first: jesus fuck lmao. i've never actually been to a 4d movie before and i feel like this experience is NOT representative of what a normal movie would be like but they really shook us around huh!!! i think those seats only stopped moving when kamina died, and i say "i think" bc there may have been more times when they stopped but my ass was unawares because i still felt like i was moving anyways LMAO.
they played an interview with imaishi, koyama, and wakabayashi (most likely filmed at anyc) before the showing (they did it before my dub showing too, even tho i just saw that one in a regular theater) and these mfs are so funny i swear lmao. they were like "we wanted to use the effects to their fullest so we added in movement during the emotional scenes too!" and then wakabayashi was like "i fell out of my seat while watching!" and then imaishi was like "my keys fell out of my pocket and i almost left them in the theater because they were between the seats" and then they laughed and THEN wakabayashi was like "oh wait they're watching gurren-hen right? nvm they'll be fine" but like. that shit felt like a ROLLERCOASTER so WTF IS LAGANN-HEN GONNA BE!!!!!!!!!! it made me so curious so now i also plan to see the sub of that one in 4dx LMAO. me when i literally die because the insane ppl at trigger decided to mimic a galaxy being thrown at a giant mecha and wanted me to feel it.
also. they sprayed us with water during the scene where gurren lagann's spiral energy feeds back and simon/lagann throw up. and like. i mean i can't say i ever WANTED to get vomited on by my fav anime boy, but it sure did happen!
okay. friend-who-hasn't-seen-ttgl-before-thoughts next: i was REALLY surprised how much it hooked him considering that i've always viewed the movies as subpar compared to the show but it REALLY sold him on it!!! and i'm so happy cause idk if he ever would've made it through those first 7 episodes of the show without knowing what was to come lmao. unfortunately he can't make it next week so we'll have to watch lagann-hen later on, as well as the show proper, but i'm SO curious to see what he thinks. especially bc the only complaint he rly had (aside from being violently shaken LMAO) was that simon, kamina, and yoko were really the only characters he could keep track of. like even nia didn't show up early enough for him to really track what was going on with her i think!!
when it comes to lagann-hen i am SO curious what he'll think of rossiu. cause rossiu's my other favorite anime boy but DAMN they really give him like two seconds of screen time total in this movie LMFAO. and THEY DON'T EVEN ESTABLISH THAT HE IS FOREHEAD BOY?????? like they play that scene where kamina's like "i wanna give simon and gimmy and darry and forehead boy a good future" and my friend was like "WHO?" lmao. i guess you're just supposed to see the size of his forehead and come to your own conclusions FDLKSJFHSLKJ. and i did tell my friend that rossiu is Important in lagann-hen but i'm so curious as to whether that whole plot point will actually. like. make sense? and if he can track why rossiu is all of a sudden In Charge and Like That? idk but i can't WAIT to see it. similarly though i do wonder what he'll think of kittan's sacrifice cause kittan got a nothingburger this movie too LMAO.
when it comes to the show i am AGAIN curious what he'll think of rossiu, like what he'll think going from a smaller role for him in the film to a larger role in the show. cause obviously i am -_- at the downsizing but rossiu adds SOOOOOOOOO much to the show on the whole that i wonder if having a different first impression will frame him as a character differently??? IDK!!!! and ALSO i am curious what my friend will think WHEN EXTRA BITCHES START DYING AT THE END LMAO. like it's one thing to do from all of dai-gurren dying to them all living, but from them all living to DYING?????? i'm SO CURIOUS. i feel like watching these movies with him has me appreciating them more in the same way that watching eva with friends made me appreciate eva more too. except i like ttgl a whole heck of a lot more to begin with, even the movies, so i think this might just kill me entirely LMAO.
NOW. ONTO THE DUB.
prefacing this section with Holy Fuck I Am So Glad This Exists I've Cried Over It And Could Cry More. the fact that i've wanted this so bad and it HAPPENED. do the impossible i suppose but i can still HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S REAL. and listening to every single second of it was just a complete and total joy and i wouldn't trade it for anything <3
and now that the sappy stuff is outta the way SAM RIEGEL THE VIRAL THAT YOU ARE!!!!!! he did the ABSOLUTE BEST IMO, he still captured the same voice he did in the show dub AND he managed to like, have a coherent new take on some of the scenes? like during his first or second confrontation with kamina he had this more bored tone that worked SO WELL for me because. yeah!!!! viral thinks humans are inferior at that point, so he WOULDN'T be giving this battle 100%!!!! excellent choices all around and whenever they release this on home video i am gonna listen to this performance for like a week straight.
other generally great stand-outs were LORDGENOME ofc and also dayakka was pretty great too!! they didn't have a whole lot of changes but they worked well in the OG so they ofc worked well here too!! oh and kittan and his sisters too!!! they didn't get as much to do but kittan's still got it and if i heard correctly they even got the same VAs for his sisters too? like stephanie sheh kinon doesn't surprise me bc she's still so active in the industry but kiyal especially sounded rly similar in her like. three lines LMAO.
i WAS actually rly curious abt if they would recast leeron into literally anyone other than "steve blum doing a ~gay voice~" and uh. they didn't lmao. but tbh i think it worked for me anyways; the movies cut out so much of the blatant homophobic jokes which is one super nice thing about them, and also they were SO diligent with getting the rest of the cast back that it makes sense he'd come back too? like i didn't expect DAYAKKA to return but it sure sounded like the same guy to me, let alone the bachika sisters and gimmy and darry, so i get why they kept blum too and it was fine in most parts imo
i really liked bridget hoffman nia too!! she didn't sound the same as hynden walch ofc but i think she gave a great performance and i think it'll be really beneficial to have this sort of continuity of voice going between pre- and post-skip nia.
my adai kiddos...........well jyb didn't have a whole lot of lines as rossiu so i don't have much to say other than i think he did fine with what he had LMAO, i'm SOOOOOO excited to hear him in lagann-hen though!!! especially towards the end, where rossiu's belief gives simon et al the strength they need to finish the battle and win, and also the "so many others like us out there" line....... i MAY burst into tears hearing that in a theater LMAO. also it threw me off when they pronounced darry's name as "dairy" SKLDJFH
YURI LOWENTHAL............oh honey you do not sound like a fourteen year old boy anymore LMAO. it really sounded like he was putting in the EFFORT to make his voice as high as preskip simon's is haha. but his performance was still fucking amazing, especially in the hot-blooded parts where it needed to be, and tbh it was kinda sweet that he sounds different now? like, it's a charming reminder that even if it took a while, enough people loved this story hard enough that the dub got made FIFTEEN YEARS LATER, and simply typing that is making me tear up LMAO so yeah i obviously didn't mind. can't fucking wait to hear him as adult simon tho, that may awaken something in me yet again >:)
aaaaaaaand yoko and kamina lmao. obviosuly these are the hardest to judge because they also, alongside simon, have the most lines? so there is more material to compare LMAO. and both of them certainly gave very different performances that i'm not quite sure how to feel about yet. like the acting itself was still amazing, but it was different and not like sam riegel's in a way that was so obviously elevated that i'm having a bit more trouble parsing my thoughts lmao. like my knee-jerk reaction is "different, so not the thing i love, so worse" but that's not true!!! that's not true at all, and i think i may just need to hear it a few more times for the new inflections and what not to gel with me lmao. though i will say, like literally everyone else, that i think michelle ruff was directed differently as yoko - you could tell there was more effort to make her voice more nasally, or to use her head voice in general, or to sound more cutesy/girly. and i PERSONALLY don't think that's the right choice for yoko, as she's got so much more going on with her gender than just being a cute girl, but this is not the place for that discussion LMAO. so they certainly weren't bad by any means, i think they might just need a few more watches to grow on me the same way the show performances have. or just to have more fleshed-out opinions! anyways, 4k uhd english dubbed bluray WHEN aniplex.
overall the differences were SUPER interesting to hear tho!!! like i'm not well-versed enough in dubbing as a product of the late 00's versus now, but i imagine it's partially changed as an art form and that led to some of the performance differences. in general it was really funny when they slightly changed the dialogue and the lip flaps and pauses wound up in different places!!
the imaishi koyama wakabayashi interview mentioned the same thing that they said at anyc, that they were hoping to make a show that could last ten years. and now 15 years later it's STILL loved enough to get a whole ass new dub and theatrical release. and i just. i'm gonna make myself cry again LMAO, i love this story so much and it's been such a great experience <3
#WHEW felt good to get that all out LMAO#i love u gurren lagann...........#a: ttgl#ttgl: films#t.ttgl
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First post. No further elaboration. Coz why?
Just kidding. I am here to talk today....or to vent, more precisely.
JEE is hard. It's ridiculous. But what's even more ridiculous are the expectations, the burden of honor, and the fear of disappointment and despair ingrained into our values caused due to our inability to cope with the extraordinary expectations, after we get into the toppers group.
I worked hard to get into the 'good kids' group. Then I got demotivated after a single failure coz I'm fucking weak, and now am procrastinating.
"Plenty of people finished 11 and 12 in class 9 and 10. They only practice and take mock tests for the 2 years of secondary higher education. So if you don't atleast finish 12 within 11, you'll never crack JEE. And anything without IIT CSE is meaningless when you are in JEE." —Mom
"You can't even rank first in the small area that we live in? What are you gonna do in JEE where competition is at national level?" —Mom, after I scored 207/300 and ranked 6th at my local coaching centre in my first JEE Main Mock test with Kinematics, mole concept, periodic table, trigonometry as topics.
And the thing is, I can't even protest her words, after all, the 1st rank scored 264 and the 2nd rank scored 246. With such a huge difference, I can't even argue. Since more is expected from me as I am supposedly a kid who is wasting away my potential as a someone who can become a JEE top ranker.
"What? You only answered 252? You couldn't even answer 300? You know right how much your marks will be considering your poor 90% accuracy rate? It will go down to minimum of 220s. I am quite disappointed."
This is the 2nd mock test I am talking about, the result hasn't been declared yet. But this exam was said to be especially hard with the insanely tough maths section and mid hard chem questions. The 1st ranker dude from last time answered 230s this time, and the 2nd ranker answered 256. The 3rd ranker, who is actually one of the best prospect in our entire class 11 batch in the whole state, answered 284 but he's quite sad because apparently he will get a lot of negatives. I am expecting 3rd or 2nd rank this time but I think life's gonna gimme lemons as always.
This is what I go through as a JEE aspirant. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. It's toxic at this point. I am in a rat race that I can't even escape like in other countries, considering even self help opportunities such as working at fast food chains or something, for minors here are considered trash of the society. We aren't free here, we don't have the opportunity to experience the world and explore my options to find out what I am good at. There's only three options. Doctor, engineer, lawyer. This might sound funny because of the stereotype vids on YouTube about Asians. But it's not funny. Many of us can't handle the pressure and commit suicide. Kota, a city in Rajasthan known for being a hotspot of coaching centres, is also stereotyped for being the Indian version of Japan's suicide forest, except it's exclusively for kids. Others go to depression and fall into the abyss of gambling and drugs.
The education system here has lost it's purpose. It has become an elitist system where the only way of survival is either your own talent or your backing. If you don't have either, you're better off being a lowest ranking member of the society succumbing to the higher ranks.
1:46 AM in the morning, I am sitting here writing this post thinking if anybody could say something that would turn my life around. This is more of a silent cry for help instead of something new to share with the world. I am sitting here in vain thinking there might be some magic trick to success here when I deep down know there doesn't exist one. And thus, I fall into this deep rabbit hole, all in my know. I want to stop this spiraling vortex of abyss inside myself that is erasing my existence. But I'm not trying. It's as if I have been mentally and spiritually paralysed.
I have realised something as conclusion. Life is drowning in reality, but the hellish standards that we have here in India are the sandbags that are tied to our feet in this already suffocative water, with no end of depth, we keep drowning and going deeper and deeper. I'm not happy. I want to break out. But I can't. This is painful. I hope it stops. But again, I know it won't, resulting in only pushing myself deeper into the abyss because of my hope being shattered. Hope is becoming dangerous by the day for me.
Am I the only one?
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Rest of the story on Wattpad @ VannahMontannah For the past couple of days, I have been super busy! I'm talking everybody taxes done came and the firsts thing on they mind is a car. On of them days was my off day, but I didn't mind showing up. I made it home and played with my dog for a little bit and decided to check the mail.
"These past couple days...I need a vacation,"
Bzzz Bzzz
"Hello?"
"What you doing?" Naomi asked.
"Checking my mail. Wassup?"
"I just wanted to talk,"
"What's wrong?"
"Duke...when you were hanging out with Zuri, how did you feel?"
"Why?"
"I just wanna know if I'm not crazy. I've been seeing someone and...I'm afraid she may leave me for someone else...it's scary out here,"
"If they really fuck with you then they would make some happen. I had genuine feelings for that woman...but I knew better. I knew better..."
"I feel the same way, like, I like her attitude, her energy, she's smart and open minded. We've been talking for a while and I don't know if she's ever gonna ask me out,"
"Why don't you ask her out?"
"Because I'm a princess,"
"Of course..."
"It's been two months and I know she likes me too, but she hasn't said anything. What should I do?"
"You definitely shouldn't be quiet about it. Ask what ya doing. Ask questions about ya relationship and where do ya see it going. If you want something, go for it. I know the one who initiated it should make all the moves, but it never hurts to ask,"
"I'm scared of the answer imma get,"
"Gotta let that go. Can't waste your time and she ain't on that level with you,"
I was going through my mail and came across and letter...from Atlanta. Who wrote me a letter from Atlanta?
"You think I should just ask her what we doing?"
"Yeah...yeah. Naomi imma call you back, okay?"
"Okay. Imma text you,"
"Cool. Later,"
I know this ain't who I think it is. I just know this ain't who I think it is.
"I'm truly sorry for my actions and the pain they caused. The weight of regret has been heavy on my heart, knowing that I hurt someone I deeply care about. Please believe me when I say that I care about you immensely, and the thought of causing you distress is unbearable. I hope you can feel the sincerity in my words when I express how much I regret what transpired between us. My apologies come from the deepest part of my soul, desiring nothing more than to make amends. I understand that saying "I'm sorry" might not instantly heal the wounds, but I am committed to showing you through my actions that I am truly remorseful. The realization of your hurt has been a wake-up call for me to reflect and recognize the impact of my actions. I wish more than anything that I could turn back time and erase my mistakes, but in lieu of that, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Your well-being means the world to me, and I am dedicated to proving that to you. Please give me the chance to demonstrate not just through words but through consistent actions that I am genuinely sorry and that I truly care about you."
All these emotions are swirling inside me as I read the letter. I am uncertain about what to think or do in this moment. Is she really going to get married? Is she still together with Justin? There are too many questions racing through my mind right now. With her asking for forgiveness, mentioning her return to town, and having a new home, everything feels overwhelming. It's hard for me to process everything at once. Fuck...
"Fuck!" I yelled. This is ridiculous, bruh. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do? Shut her out? Forgive her? Talk to her? I'm stuck! I usually just let them spiral, but Zuri was a charm. She was like that special charm on your bracelet that you admire. The one that's your favorite.
BOOM!
Okay...why is it ALWAYS raining?? Not just raining—thundering.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"Who is it?"
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"Yo! Who is it?"
I went up to the door and the peephole was covered. Now who playing on my door?
"Aye man, whoever you are, stop playing on my door—"
"Duke!"
I stared at the door for a few seconds. This can't be. After all this time my heart was torn, she decides to come back and think shit good? She has some nerve being at my door step right now. I grabbed Milo and put him in my room.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"Duke! Can you please open up?"
Fuck! Should I even open the door?!
She knocked on the door and said, "Duke, I need to talk to you. The wedding is off, okay? There's no more Justin. He's out of the picture. Can you please open the door?" She paused, feeling regret for her actions. "I know what I did was wrong, but I am deeply sorry for what I did. You were right...I should have said no. I don't know what I was thinking."
"How can I believe you?"
"Duke, there's no more nothing! I'm single! I'm all for you! But you knew I was with someone too,"
"Zuri, you hurt my heart. You accepted his proposal and that broke me! I was down for months!"
"I know and I'm sorry! Duke, I don't know how many times in gonna apologize. I've said all I could say. I came from ATL back home to do this and wrote you a letter. I was gonna leave the voicemail, but I froze. You're all I was thinking about! DUKE JUST OPEN THE DOOR!"
"STOP YELLING!"
"YOU'RE BEING STUBBORN!"
Everything went quiet for a while. No one said a word to each other.
"Fine...you don't wanna talk to me? Cool. But just remember...remember one thing...I tried. Okay? I tried..."
I unlocked the door and cracked it open.
(Play media)
"Come on..."
"Thanks..."
She walked inside and I closed and locked my door. She had on some jeans, boots, a coat, some gloves and a beanie. She was holding an umbrella in her hand as well. I took the umbrella from her and placed it against the wall.
"Took you long enough,"
"Why are you here? You're moving back?"
"Yeah. I never stopped looking for a place here,"
"How did Justin take the news?"
"That's not important,"
"You gotta tell me later since I let you inside,"
"Fine, but Duke I have been trying to get in contact with you, I was just..." she sighed. "It was so much going on,"
"I bet it was,"
"I missed you a lot,"
"...I realized how wrong it was for me to try to come between you and your long-term partner. Though my actions were inexcusable, I couldn't stand seeing the way he mistreated you, and I found myself drawn to your side. Before I knew it, my feelings for you had grown so strong that I couldn't turn back. Being with you now brings me immense joy and makes me feel truly happy. Your presence brightens my day like nothing else could,"
"It shattered me too. I knew I should have said no and I knew I hurt you, bad. But I'm here now. Can you please forgive me?"
The moment I leaned in to kiss her, I was engulfed by a sensation of warmth and passion that I'd never experienced before. It was a spontaneous act, fueled by the intense chemistry that had been building between us for what felt like an eternity. Our lips met, and instantly, there was a connection, electric and undeniable. It was as if the world around us had faded into the background, leaving just the two of us, lost in the depth of our kiss. The way she responded, with equal fervor, told me she felt the same overwhelming emotions. Her lips were soft, yet insistent, and the gentle caress of her hands on my back sent shivers down my spine. This wasn't just a kiss; it was an admission of mutual desire, a promise of more to come. As we finally broke apart, breathless and with hearts racing, we shared a look that spoke volumes. There was a certain magic in that moment, a profound connection that words could never fully capture. It was a kiss that altered the course of our relationship, marking the beginning of something truly passionate and deep.
Intimacy, love, and passion are the cornerstones of any deeply connected relationship, weaving a tapestry of bonds that are both delicate and resilient. Our connection transcended the mere physical realm, touching the essence of our beings, making us intimately connected at a soulful level. This profound intimacy was not just about being physically close but about understanding each other's deepest fears, hopes, and dreams. Love, in its most authentic form, enveloped us, creating a safe haven where our vulnerabilities could be exposed without fear of judgment. Passion was the fuel that kept our connection vibrant, a fervent desire not just for each other's bodies but for the minds and spirits that dwelled within. In our intimate space, love and passion danced in harmony, each moment shared was a testament to the depth of our connection. It was in the quiet moments, in the gentle caresses, and in the shared glances full of unspoken words where our intimacy flourished. Our passion for life, for each other, was the glue that bonded us firmly, creating a fortress of love against the world. Every laugh, every tear, and every whisper shared in our intimate spaces etched a story of love, passion, and profound intimacy. We were not just lovers but soulmates, perfectly aligned in our desires, dreams, and the undying love that enveloped us, making our bond beautifully unbreakable.
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I feel like every time something good happens in my life, something bad just always has to happen. I just have to learn ONE more bad thing about life I didn't want to know. Somebody's not who I think they are, my parents act all normal and then stuff just devolves, a say something completely stupid to my friend, there's something wrong with my dog,
I have classes to catch up on, I need to get a goddamn permit, I'm assualted with disgusting images from my brain I DONT WANT TO SEE, I only have one friend, my life is so monotonous I wanna cry. I'm so lonely the only being I've touched in the last year's have been hugging and petting my dog and one brief placement of a hand over mine from my friend that made my heart soar. But shit always goes wrong. I've learned some really horrible shit about a side of my family I never wanted to hear. My family is founded on trauma, both of my parents were abused, in turn I was abused emotionally and neglected, and I'm only just now figuring out who I am and it's fucking scaring me because it shouldn't be like this and everything I know feels fake and my mind is a void that's only running off of thoughts of Dook larue and I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last on this and everything I know is falling apart around me and building up at the same time and I haven't even started my life I'm a fucking 20 year old living in my parents house and nobody seems to realize just how fucking TERRIBLE I'm doing and everything gets brushed away and I STILL can't talk in my house, or I can, but. God my mom told me some terrible shit. None of my relatives are good, hell, not even my dad is who I thought he was, and somebody else I've found out isn't whoi thought they were, and I'm sitting here trying to process .y life because the only way I'll ever remember anything is if I post it online but what's gonna happen if someone finds this and I cant even tell them how I feel, and
My mom offered to let me start counseling through her girlfriends work like her girlfriend is and I'm really really really wanting to take that offer I already told her yes. I need to see a therapist now now now now now
My world is falling apart around me and my default is to curl up and pump my brain full of dook larue I can't do this but I can make any friends because I'm too fucked up my brain is only sexual I'm so scared all the time I can't figure out who I am and I really need someone to hold me and cup my face and tell me it's gonna be alright and they're gonna make my bad thoughts go away cause they're gonna sit with me all day and help me piece myself together because I really can't do this on my own anymore I just can't I can't deal with anything like a normal person and I know too much bad shit about the world that keeps haunting my brain and it hurts so much because I would NEVER ever do it and I know it with all my heart but my brain keeps putting horrible images in my head and I can't do it anymore 8m not gonna kill myself because that's pussy shit but I rreally really really need help I can't do this by myself 8m hurting and I need help I'm admiting it I can't do this. Everyday is the fucking same but I never want to leave the house but Phoebe need to go on walks and socialize and I even did that today but then everything went to shit because I found out something I could've gone without again qnd I dont know how to keep being a person. I've never been a person. Just a shell. Cram me up full of traits I'm stealing off of people. Do I only know how to write because my brain has nothing to do but imagine? I really need therapy and I really need to tell my mom because she's still my guardian because the past year has been a dissociative HELL SPIRAL and I can't even look forward to the thing I was looking forward to because everything went bad all of a sudden like it always does.
Ducky out. I just need... Something. I don't know. I don't have anyone and honestly I'm kinda seeing why. I can't do this anymore man. It's so hard all the time. I don't k ow what to do because I refuse to kill myself and I really do want to live, but everything is so upsetting all the time, I can't see any good in the world coming into my future. I can't see my future. I'm completely stuck where I am. If I never have any... Well I have my best friend and my mutual on here but... I can't fill my life long loneliness like this. I really really need help and I can't get it. I can't even talk to my mom because I'm so scared she's not gonna listen to me again because I told her I was dissociating all year and she doesn't seem to HEAR me. I can't do this guy's I'm so lost. My house is building itself back up back I'm falling into the same old house it used to be and worse. I can't. I just can't. I don't k ow what to do because nobody's ever listened to me in my life but my brother and he can't help me with this. I'm so scared to ask my mom. I can't do anything right. I don't know how long I'm gonna have to type before I forget everything that happened today but it's working so that's good. Maybe I'll just tell my best friend I'm in love with him and stop being so scared I'll fall out of love. I already know he used to like me. Were great friends! I would fucking ruing him so bad and I can't do that to him I can't he's too important to me. I can't keep running in circles like this in a stupid nymphomaniac loop but this is the only thing I can control, right? Because I can't even eat right. I'm under weight. I'm not even 100 pounds, I'm fucking 90 something pounds because nothing in my house looks good unless I'm high and that's a whole different story of addiction. Truth is, I'm so scared of everything, the world, myself, everything. The only saving grace I have is my brother. The only person who's ever known ME.
It's not enough, it'll never be. My brother is my brother. I need someone I can LOVE. To hold, to kiss, to give them all of me to distract me from every terrible fucking thing in the world. Someone who won't misgender me, someone clean, someone just, who is clean. Someone who gets me. Someone who can understand everything. I can't keep running in circles but how am I supposed to break free when im spiraling so fast? There's only three people keeping me sane and it's my brother l, my best friend, and my mutual. You guys keep me going. I don't know what to do anymore.
But truely, as I'm calming down from my feral panic. I don't know what to do. I need help. But I don't know what to do. I need help with that. What do I do? What am I supposed to tell my mom? "My mental health has spiraled so rapidly I'm falling apart at the seams."?
Well she's gonna blame it on herself so I'm gonna be upset and she's gonna be upset and I won't know what to do. She's gonna get home from work and be upset already and every time I try to think of talking to her I start crying. I am now. I feel so fucking helpless I don't know what to do please help me anyone I don't understand anything anymore my life was supposed to be all okay when my parents got divorced and it just got so muchfuckingworse.
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oh yeah, i'm curious- throughout all 3 series, what would you consider some of the most impactful moments? like, something you just kinda think about occasionally like "oh yeah. that sure happened!" but like in a good way y'know? that or it just kinda sticks around in your mind for whatever reason.
i've only really seen bakuten shoot as of now (god i need to get back to metal fight but that's a whole tangent right there), but i think probably the biggest one that comes to mind for me is. unsurprisingly The Yuya Incident, genuinely i did not expect v-force to deliver a gut punch like that EVER, especially when earlier in the same episode i was just joking around with no idea how fucked up things were gonna get. aside from that there's a few things to pick from, but i can't really say any of them hit Quite as hard
Metal Fusion finale: body horror, beys go to space, and Gingka rides Pegasus's spirit (I think that's the only time a blader did that)
Metal Masters: before the finale, Ziggurat unveils the spiral core, which he advertises as solving the energy crisis with a beyblade-powered reactor. He turns it on and turns part of New York State into a desert. In the finale, the spiral core has a meltdown after crash landing (the reactor was in a flying city) and the only way to stop it is to launch it into space
The Tower of Babel tournament: not only does the Tower of Babel canonically exist in this universe, but they host a tournament in it
Shogun Steel finale: [spoiler] straight up kills themselves
Reiji vs Hyoma and Reiji vs Kenta: Reiji sacrifices efficiency to make his opponents suffer for longer in battle. He also breaks down at the idea that his opponent isn't scared of him (not fearing him also causes him physical pain)
Captain Arrow's reveal: the circumstances around his debut were very similar to Reiji's. Unlike Reiji, Arrow isn't a sadistic villain. He introdices himself as "a soldier of love and friendship" and says he has "the power of justice." Everyone else knows he's a villain (he's part of the very obvious villain group), except himself
Hades Gate: special move that send people to hell
[Spoiler's] death in Metal Fury
The Destroyer Dome tournament uses a giant hamster ball of a stadium. It breaks off from the supports and starts rollling through the city
Beyblade Atlantis
English dub Ashindra speaking for the first time: so you know how Seiryu speaking was a big deal? Ashindra's first word was "yo." He calls his blader a "good dude"
Ghasem trying to drop kick Sisco: forget blading. Ghasem is ready to throw hands
The fact that in Burst, there is a gang of clows that live in the sewers and this is never questioned
The Beywheelz finale: the villain tried opening a portal to conquer other universes. He's defeated but the portal opens anyways. Rather than the portal fitting the 6-9 people he thought it did, it accidentally transports the entire city
Multiple burst characters have no eyebrows. This is never brought up
Phi's eyes casually turn black during battle
Burst's mc in season 6 is just a theater kid who turned his mansion into a haunted house and calls himself the Demon King
Brainwash tank where you are forced to (mentally) fight holy beasts yourself. The character that does this summons an oversized axe
Several beast designs in Burst (Deep Chaos is a floating mass of flesh, Orb Egis is a hydra with necks made out of rainbows, Twin Nemesis wields a hammer made of dlesh and teeth, etc)
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