#can you guess which episode ending prompted this post

[minweber]

Never thought I’d say something like that, but the drama of space robot politics in this show doesn't quite measure up to the drama of those teenage girls’ romance.

#which isn't to say that it's not good #it's just that during that dramatic earth episode I found myself thinking #'hm. really bold of them to focus of that right now' #also the world building in this show is quite nice #especially all the 'zero g as part of daily life' stuff #that's neat #I also admit that the 17/21 years thing has completely flown over my head #my excuse is that I am watching big sittings at the end of workdays #but I suspect that I am hardly the only one who fell for it #great setup and execution #ALSO also I gotta say that I sort of knew about the franchise's reputation going in #but still there was a lot of moments where I had to pause to stop and say #'hm. that's fucked up' #in a good way tho #anyway I am not done yet #can you guess which episode ending prompted this post #Gundam #gundam witch from mercury #witch from mercury #suletta mercury #miorine rembran

[pinkeoni]

The Great Jonathan Byers Conspiracy

(Or, Jonathan was framed and I'm going to prove it)

So I started a rewatch of the show and I'm on episode two of s1. I get to the part towards the end where Jonathan is taking photos of Nancy. So I think "Okay. This is the part where we see Jonathan take a photo of Nancy topless, right? We see him notice Nancy take her top off and then raise the camera to take another photo, right?"

But that's not what happened

The scene happens as follows. We see Jonathan snap a photo of Nancy— with her shirt on— before the scene cuts inside of Steve's room.

Nancy then removes her top. Nancy and Steve start making out and we cut back to Jonathan who lowers his camera.

This is the part where I expected Jonathan to lift his camera up and start taking more pictures. That's how I remember it happening. But no, we instead see Jonathan focus his attention back to the pool and snap a picture of Barb instead.

So what the hell? Am I being gaslit?

I remember so distinctly a moment where we see Jonathan consciously raise the camera to take another picture of her topless, and yet it's not there. I do still want to clarify however, that the topless photo of Nancy does still exist. We see it clearly in the following episode. So yes, Jonathan did still take a photo of Nancy topless, we just don't see him take it.

But according to a lot of people online, we did see it, the Duffer Brothers just removed it.

I remember hearing about this when it first cropped up, which was partially prompted by the Duffers joking to "George Lucas" Will's birthday in season 2, which they never ended up doing anyway. They also stated on Twitter that no scene had ever been digitally edited, and didn't plan to in the future.

So the Duffers must be lying, right? Otherwise why how would so many people remember seeing that scene? I guess there’s no way to be sure without a DVD or Blu-Ray of the show.

But wait, I have a DVD of season one. I got it for Christmas! But I’m staying at my parents house and I don’t feel like driving three hours just to prove a point. I guess all is lost for the moment.

Unless…

It was at this part of my spiraling that I sent a crazed two minute voice memo at 11:00 at night to my roommate and good friend @lemonsoured filling him in on my conspiracy, and then leaving instructions to go downstairs, locate my season one DVD on the living room shelf, put the DVD into my PS4, go to the end of episode two and take a phone recording of the scene in question.

And lo and behold, the scene of Jonathan taking pictures of Nancy, exactly as it appears on Netflix.

So I am aware that in the video there isn’t much to indicate that this is in fact a recording of the DVD and not a recording of the Netflix version, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. But still, ask any DVD or Blu-Ray owner for what is on their disk, and I can garuntee that they’ll all give the same answer.

Because the shot of Jonathan taking the photo of Nancy never existed. The Duffers aren’t lying. The masses collectively lied to themeselves.

But how did this happen? How did a massive audience full of people, including myself, come to believe that there was a moment of Jonathan consciously taking that photo?

I’ll tell you why. It was a psyop to defame character!

Usually when a new season of Stranger Things rolls around, there comes the flow of comments on twitter saying “Hey, remember when Jonathan took a photo of Nancy changing and now she’s in a relationship with him?” which is usually done in the name of trying to bring down Jonathan and build up Steve.

And I’m not doing this to try to claim that Jonathan is a completely innocent baby who actually did nothing wrong. After all, the topless photo does still exist and as @notmybabies pointed out in the replies of one of posts, Jonathan chose to go through the process of developing it anyway. So he’s not completely off the hook. If the Duffers did want to eradicate Jonathan’s faults, then they would have digitally edited the topless Nancy photo to a different one, something that would have been possible.

But you ever notice how it’s always “Jonathan is a creep” and never “Steve called Nancy a slut and Jonathan a queer?”

I adore Steve, but what I’m trying to see is people seem to try and diminish the depth and complications of both of these characters, and it usually results in fans making Jonathan out to be a sex depraved pervert who has always had it out for Nancy, while Steve is their angel who could do no wrong. Steve couldn’t have had a good redemption arc if there wasn’t a place for him to grow from!

They never want to acknowledge that Jonathan was a lonely kid who made a bad mistake which he apologized for while looking for his brother and that Steve was a different person before he decided to change. Eliminating these character’s depths is eliminating what makes them interesting characters! Neither are completely pure and neither are completely evil!!

So in conclusion:

#there was also the argument in some of these articles that ‘since the photo exists that must mean that a scene was cut!’ #so you need to be told everything? #also i feel like people are going to skip over the part where i add nuance but whatever it happens #also listen i know this has probs been pointed out before but i had a whole meltdown about this last night lkay #jonathan byers #jancy #stranger things #also thank you jules lemonsoured for that meme lmao #AND for recording the video you are a lifesaver and that was a wacky request #byler #<- target audience

[sevensoulmates]

Thank you so much for the explanation, because yes I wasn't seeing the bigger picture (about the titles for the episodes) but yes, it's logical that the meaning behind the title will be to set an overall atmosphere for the whole thing. And I didn't knew about that many references to movies/series? mainly becausey I haven't seen most of them 🤦‍♀️ and other references about phrases (I just didn't know the "why" behind the titles).

And of course sometimes the characters don't even know what's going on their minds yet but luckily I'm on the "Eddie/Buck taking their sweet time realizing how they actually feel" side, getting there is half the fun right?

Thanks for the sharing the post by useramor, I didn't knew about it!

Can I ask another thing? I was really curious about some fans panicking over the possibility of Eddie calling Buck "brother" in incoming episodes, where is this coming from and why is this bad? I just don't get it and I feel like I missing some info.

Thank you for your prompt response, I really appreciate you taking the time to do it.

Titles do have some importance but most of the time the original source material doesn't have THAT much to do with it. Such as the movies, etc. Titles can help set the tone, and general themes, but I wouldn't take them wholly literally, as I've seen people be disappointed in the past because a title like "What's Your Fantasy?" didn't immediately equate to Buck and Eddie doing the nasty in that episode.

It's funny you should mention the "brother" thing, cuz that's actually what I was thinking about when I answered your last ask, hence the "CHARACTERS LIE!!" moment LOLOL I was actually debating making a whole post in regards to that but I was on the fence. Your ask gives me the perfect excuse.

For context: the "eddie calls buck his brother" rumors came about from some accounts on twitter and tumblr who claim (without proof) that they have a "source" that works for 911 that is feeding them info and pictures. Even if the source part is true, all of it is still out of context, and therefore anything that is leaked should ALWAYS be taken with the SMALLEST possible grain of salt. Nothing is true until we see it with our own eyeballs on our tv screens.

I feel like I'm one of the few people who didn't immediately be like one of them calling the other brother means it's the end of Buddie!! We already know that this arc is going to revolve around Buck (and possibly Eddie too) being confused and uncertain of where their relationship stands. I think that the purposeful confusion and uncertainty are because neither Buck nor Eddie really understands why their feelings are getting hurt or why the other is acting in certain ways. That, plus all of the last few seasons, have shown that Buck and Eddie don't really talk a lot about who they are to each other. They kind of just....live in that nebulousness and hope no one comes along and points out how odd it is.

Something else I want to point out is that if the rumor is true, we don't know AT WHAT POINT in the episode he says this. What new information might have come to light before this? Additionally, we don't know what acting choices might come along with it. Does Eddie look weird as he says "brother"? Does Buck make an odd face? Is the camera focus on the scene being uncomfortable? Is the "brother" comment accepted easily or hesitantly? Is there romantic/soft or discordant music in the background? What is being said without being said in the moment? There are simply too many unknown variables in the equation including story context, editing, sound, and acting choices for me to immediately be like "damn, guess I'll give up now".

We also don't know if this happens in episode 4 or 5 which also vastly changes the context.

I'll also tell you what my first thought was when I heard the "Eddie calls buck his brother!" rumors. I thought "Oh of course he did, he's still deep in compulsory heterosexuality".

Let's think about this in two ways:

If Buck comes out as Bi, and Eddie calls him his brother for the first time since they met? That's so strange. Why now all of a sudden is Eddie purposefully trying to immediately shut down the possibility of them being romantic? Why does the idea of Buck having a romantic interest in men suddenly make Eddie feel the need to draw boundaries? One could say it's a homophobic response, or (more likely) an internalized homophobic response. One could also say it's so Buck does not get the idea of a romantic relationship being possible between them, which again, why does he feel the need to draw that distinction if they're both oh so confident they're the best of friends and will never be anything but friends. "Brother" is also distancing language as well. It could be a way for Eddie to distance himself from Buck, and in turn, Buck's queerness. Again, why? No one in his immediate circle is homophobic so why does he feel the need to distance himself in every way possible from even the tiniest idea of queerness being associated with him? All of it screams internalized homophobia and compulsory heterosexuality to me.

Now let's go the non-queer route. Say Buck is still straight as a ruler. They resolve their issue, Eddie reassures Buck that they're best still friends, etc. I am again wondering why Eddie feels the need to use "brother" for the first time in years. It should imply being closer than friends. But Eddie has already proven that he views Buck as closer than his blood family, hence why Buck is in the will, and Eddie's family is not. So why again, "brother" if not to purposely draw attention to the odd (and out of character) word choice. This could once again be Eddie using distancing language, which once again implies all of the stuff I said before. And in this case, it's even odder, because Buck is (as far as Eddie knows) a straight man. So why the need to draw a boundary? That lends more to Eddie having a potential fear of being perceived as queer by Buck. That also lends to internalized homophobia.

And all of that aside, at the end of the day, Buck and Eddie are not blood-related, and they didn't grow up with each other, so even if they call each other brothers...it's always going to be in a metaphorical sense. And there's the fact that FEELINGS. CAN. CHANGE. Eddie might believe he sees Buck as a brother at the moment, but that could change in a single instant. If Eddie's really not had that many other close male friends in his life, he might truly believe that what he feels for Buck is just friendship and not realize that actually...this is something vastly different. Or, like I said, he might be LYING. The writers could also be LYING to us on purpose.

It's possible that it could be used as a red herring, to make the audience believe one thing, and then they plan to subvert it as a "plot twist" at the end. It could be used as a plot device and a stepping stool to so many other things. And additionally, why now? Why in this big episode where it seems like sexuality might come into play? Why not in episode 1 when Eddie could've been like "You're like an uncle to Chris". And of course, again, the biggest point of them all: we already KNOW that Buck and Eddie are the closest of friends. We've seen it, new audiences have seen it. So why suddenly redefine it as "brothers" during an episode where it seems like Buck is getting his own feelings regarding their relationship confused.

The last thing to think about is this: how does doubling down on Buck and Eddie being "brothers" push the story forward? Story needs conflict, and 911 thrives off of creating long-term conflict. How does being "brothers" set up a long-term conflict for them? Or, if being "brothers" is the resolution for their conflict, then what is changing as a result of being "brothers"? How are they getting closer than they already are by being "brothers"? Truthfully, them redefining their relationship to "brothers" changes absolutely nothing about their relationship.

I don't agree with people who say "This shuts down all hope of buddie" because season 6 already pulled them as far apart as they could be. It gave them female love interests to do something with if they wanted to this season but fact of the matter is that the writers didn't want to pursue those stories. They threw Buddie back together so fiercely and chopped their love interests down to less importance than randos on calls.

So what is left that actually can cause Buck and Eddie's relationship to evolve into something we've never seen from them before? The only answer is romance. So, no, I'm not worried about some random "brothers" comment.

#911 abc #speculation #speculation about leaks #spoilers #btw to the people actually leaking this information from quote unquote sources you're literally being so stupid risking peoples jobs #and also ruining the fandom's fun #all for out-of-context information that gives you something to feel high and mighty about lording over the fandom #it's really immature and I hope Tim and co figure out who the leakers are and put an end to it because this is literally getting reDONKulou

[prentiss-theorem]

Back Home

Alex comes back home after a long case.

Pairing: Alex Blake x Reader

Warnings: None, I think

Genre: Little Fluffy Blurb

Word Count: 600+

A/N: Little blurb I wrote for @nightmarish-fae a while back. The prompt was "you smell nice". Contains canon dialogue from season 8 episode 22 "#6". Posted before but I accidentally deleted my old account lol

*Ring, Ring* 

“Hey, you” you said as you answered your phone, a wide smile plastered on your face

“Hey,” You heard Alex’s soft voice as she replied, “Remind me why did I think working at the BAU was a good idea?” 

“Because you’re an exceptional profiler and even better agent?” you said, chuckling a little at your girlfriend’s question. “Just a guess.” 

Alex has been away on a case for close to two weeks now, and this was the first time you have spoken since she left. You don’t tend to make phone calls when she’s away, not often at least. Occasional text messages to let you know that she’s okay are what she prefers, and as much as you missed Alex, you understood her need for independence. But this was a nice exception to the unspoken rule between the two of you. 

“How’s the case going?” You asked, full of hope that the investigation was progressing at a faster rate. “When are you gonna get home?” 

“Who knows,” Alex said with a hint of sadness and exhaustion in her voice. “all the leads we’ve gathered in the past few days led us nowhere, each being a dead end”

The hope in your eyes was instantly replaced with sadness, as you realised that this is going to be, yet another night spent alone, curled up in your shared bed holding tightly onto Alex’s pillow pressed against your chest. In the moments when you especially missed her, you’d often spray some of her perfume, the smell of which brought you comfort and reminded you of the woman you loved. 

*Doorbell Rings*

“Are you expecting someone at 11pm on a Wednesday night?” Alex questioned softly.

“Um, no, not that I’m aware of.” you said, slightly concerned as you truly didn’t remember to make any plans for the evening, your mind starting to spiral in all possible ways

“Maybe you should go and check it out?” the linguist said in a much more enthusiastic way.

Your eyes filled with hope, you ran to the door to open it as soon as possible. Would Alex really not tell you she’s coming back? She never did that, somehow, she was never good at keeping secrets and surprises, always being so excited she couldn’t hold it in her. When you finally reached the door, you looked through the peephole, almost not believing the sight in front of you. There she was, as beautiful as ever, standing with a huge smile on her face. The same smile that you found yourself get lost in so often. You immediately opened the door, almost jumping at the gorgeous woman standing in front of you, wrapping your arms around her neck. Never wanting to let go. You felt her smile as she pulled you closer to her, leaving soft kisses on your head. 

After what simultaneously felt like hours and seconds the two of you broke the hug, Alex placing a gentle kiss on your lips. 

“I’ve missed you” she whispered, smiling at the realisation that she can finally hold you in her arms again. “If I ever get the idea to work for the FBI again, please shoot me.” She added, both of you chucking a little. 

After chatting for a while, Alex decided to take a shower, the exhaustion from the previous days slowly taking over her. You waited for her in your in your bedroom, happy to have her back.

“You smell nice,” the linguist whispered as she joined you in the bed and wrapped you in her arms. “Is that my perfume?”

“Mhm, maybe.” You said in a barely audible whisper. She slightly chuckled, pulling you even closer to her, you let yourself melt in the warmth of her body as you both drifted off to sleep.

#alex blake #alex blake x reader #reader insert #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds #ssa alex blake #dr blake #y/n fics #alex Blake fics #cm fanfic #fanfic

[rainyraisin]

2023 YEAR IN REVIEW!!!

My artstyle changed a lot this year, especially after my shift from ibis paint to procreate after getting my iPad (drawing on an iPad is the BEST btw 100% recommend I love it way more than a phone and it didn’t die after a month like my old wacom 💀💀). I’m relatively happy with where my art is atm and I hope to continue to improve in 2024!

Explanation of all the silly art down below! (Mostly so I can tell y’all who the fanart is for but also cause I like rambling)

January: A drawing of my Rise Leo human design I did to test out a pixel brush I found for Ibis Paint. He’s very fun to draw hehe I need to draw him more-

February: I wanted to learn how to draw the future designs of Leo and Mikey along with CJ so I planned to draw them all together! I struggled with Leo though so I just got rid of him. Sorry Peepaw 😞😞💔💔💔

March: Fanart for @beannary ‘s TLP au! I love it so much so I had to draw smth for it hehe 😈😈💥💥💥 which reminds me I need to draw more at some point- might redraw it at some point cause I’m not super happy with how it turned out but I do like the idea a lot

April: The month I created Reticent! April’s Fools was the first episode I came up with so I drew a chapter poster! It ended up being very different to the chapter cover I drew a couple months later but it’s still cool :D Leo is being weirdly affectionate to Mikey though what the heck that isn’t like him smh. Although I guess it was meant to be purposefully exaggerated sooooo 🥰

May: Reticent Casey!!! I don’t have much to say it’s just Reticent Casey HDKSGXKSHD this wasnt a very good art month

June: Krangified Donnie is literally my favourite concept ever thats it that’s all I have to say dbskdbwkh I adore Krangified Donnie and if the Rise brainrot takes over the Reticent brainrot for a while then I will probably be drawing Krangified Donnie during that time sorry not sorry

July: Reticent Chapter 3’s cover yippee!!! Still my favourite Reticent cover although Chapter 8’s is a close second (I can’t wait to post it once it’s been betaread yippee!!!). The scribble over Leo’s eyes is literally just because I was struggling to draw his eyes and i was getting annoyed dbskdbskdb it’s actually a very common issue with him (common Ret!Leo L). Also Mikey being reflected in the mirror is a reference to Mirror Man by Jack Stauber which I’ve basically considered his theme song since @aaronymous999 introduced it to me ebwjcbkwhd thank you Mr. Aaronymous! Also somebody said he was in the barbie box and I still need to draw that to this day because Mikey would’ve killed to go see Barbie.

August: RET DONNIE WOOOOO he’s being bullied again!!! I drew that piece for a colour palette challenge request and realised I got the prompt wrong so I just made it into its own thing 💥💥💥 it’s usually a flickering light gif but I chose to just use the version with the light on for this post. The photos in the background were really fun to draw hehe either April’s or Mikey’s is my favourite.

September: MY 500 FOLLOWER DTIYS YIPPEE (/my 150 follower DTIYS for tumblr). This one took me. Forever to draw and I love it to pieces hehe it was really fun to design Mikey’s room and figure out outfits for the sillies and idk the concept of a sleepover just seemed really fun to me dbskbdkdb- and all the entries I got were so so awesome I loved them all to pieces!!! I still look at them all the time hehe

October: FANART OF @endlesslogo ‘S HUMAN RISE LEO DESIGN WOOOOOO!!! This was the piece I started rendering on hehe it was so much fun to draw!!!! Although I did have a fight with rendering the hair for over an hour svsjegksbdk HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT FR!!!

November: Me and my friends were working on a crossover between our TMNT iterations so I drew all of our Karai’s together!!! Confluence Karai is on the left, created by Salem and Marine, New Stars Karai is in the middle created by Starla, and Reticent Karai is on the right created by me! All our Karais have such cool designs AHHHHH literally dead over them constantly/pos

December: Most of December I spent drawing Christmas presents so this was my present for Salem!!! Confluence!Jonatello my beloved….

#rai rambles #tmnt #year in review #tmnt fanart

[kenjiyabuki]

so here are some thoughts about DMD Friendship the Reality while we are nearing the end

yeah yeah its not that deep but actually no one caring/talking about a show makes me want to write a LONG ASS POST bc i cant get gratification from going through the tags and reading opinions lmaoooooo so HERE damn okkk i will make the content i want to see in the world i guess dont mind me......😞

im not even the biggest Domundi fan but i was intrigued by the premise of this show. i mean it's a basically fake dating show (like one of their challenge rewards was getting to sleep in a suite together as if they are there to date for real) and the end prize isnt just an acting opportunity as it comes w the big decision of choosing a looooooong time acting partner. so i wanted to see how they would do it. BOC did a similar thing w The Hidden Character which i dropped halfway in bc it was too long and i found the challenges to be irrelevant to the ending goal. this show is the opposite of that and thats why ive been enjoying it.

it is edited to be concise (only 5 eps) and honestly, is quite tranquil. all the challenges were about things they will be required to do in the future as DMD actors/idols and stakes aren't even that high. You could always guess who would win before they even started (((like of course broody model guys won the photoshoot challenge and guy w two series under his belt won the acting one, DUH))) but it was still enjoyable to watch. show's goal isn't to generate tension and competitiveness. it is more of a workshop/chemistry building camp and also a way to introduce the new generation and get the fans warm up/attached to them.

as i spent time in bl fandom sphere, i've come to realize introducing a new gen is tricky. i thought everyone would be ecstatic to see new blood and a lil bit of mix and match but BL fans are reaaaaaaaaaaally attached to their faves and generally see newcomers as threats who will take opportunities from their already neglected (!) precious babies (e.g. just couple weeks ago FortPeat fans were protesting the new lesbian side couple in the upcoming show for stealing screen time from their faves, which is a joke in itself). this kind of show is genius way to get people to warm up to idea of new faces. at the end of the the day, these fans' weakness is two beautiful boys indulging in sweet moments they can be delulu over and considering how ships were already born from the first episode, DMD FTR succeeded in their goal.

LETS TALK ABOUT THE BOYS :-) *this starts playing*

I had to make this during first ep bc they are all dark haired boys w similar builds so I kept confusing them lmaoooooo (Tle not pictured as he joined later)

i will firstly talk about the fan favorite possible "couples";

KengNamping, the quiet visual couple and yes I love em!!!! they were kinda the only "conflict" in this very conflict free competition.

is Keng the CALMEST person I've ever seen? Latte is laid back too but Keng is just seems zen. sometimes (in the face of conflict) he just seemed hard to read but mostly he has such a calming presence. honestly, he should open an ASMR channel if this acting gig doesn't work out.

Namping also comes off very warm and graceful. him being "wow I'm finally in the winner suite" to Keng after finally getting chosen in ep4 made me laugh like DAMN he really was offended by what happened in ep1 and kept letting it slip. Idc, you are so right my prince and don't ever let Keng forget what he did to you...

when it comes to the possibility of them as a couple: i am kinda here for it while also not knowing if i actually believe in their "moments" in the show? Namping definitely set his sights on him from the beginning but Keng seemed nonchalant about it. Keng finally choosing Namping after his win, their sweet moment on the bed etc. seemed to me like classic reality show moment prompted by production to fit a certain narrative WHILE ThomasKong's pseudo-date-night chats seemed very real and spontaneous.

they do visually have chemistry, i'm not gonna act like i wasn't blushing when Keng trying to flirt during dinner or Namping softly touching a sleepy Keng's chin in the bed etc. Or even in ep2, when Namping tries to confront Keng about his pick but they are too timid and just unable to talk about it openly!!! arrghhh it's a hard to watch moment but still, made them more intriguing because they had such a tension between them. it would be a shame if it wasn't explored more. that tension can be channeled into an angsty series, just saying...

So, they def have a long way to go in their bond and arent comfortable like LatteFirst or ThomasKong but still, they are a strong contender and I would be glad to see them as a couple in a show. Namping already got my attention in the acting challenge and wonders can be achieved w a lil bit of workshop. they got the juice already!!!

Now, lets talk about ThomasKong.............

me watching Thomas relentlessly chatting Kong up since THE FIRST EPISODE

so I knew LatteFirst are set be a side couple in upcoming Love Upon a Time but i was confused to see why everyone on Twitter was already going cuckoo over these two random boys until i saw them interacting... Wow, like Thomas really came here w one mission: get Kong and leave.

because Thomas is such a flirt like DAMNNN😳😳😳😳he needs to be jailed for carrying lethal amounts of charm... IT MUST BE SAID: I love his fits w those thin glasses, he should've been wearing those in those office BLs he was in because he has been serving "office siren". Tiktok girlies eat your heart out.

while Kong isn't the best at acting or singing (he is the best KengNamping shipper tho and i LOVE a fudanshi BL actor), he definitely would win Mr. Congeniality if they were giving that title. he naturally and effortlessly has great on screen charisma. he is a certified cutie and the only one who can get real full belly laughs from Thomas!!!

i think what they managed in the acting challenge is the testament to their palpable chemistry. acting wise they weren't perfect (naturally, their uneven acting experience levels were apparent) but they were the only one who managed to tonal shift in their scenes. it's because they were the only ones who played into the romantic subtext of the scene. they also held eye contact for the longest (because they are comfortable w each other and not shy!!!), which elevated their chemistry and made me AND the judges giggle and roll our hair and kick our feet and shit!!!!!!!!!!!!

they are obviously the most likely to win the show and they deserve it too. no matter the result of the show, i want see them carrying a series as mains because they can and should. i also believe DMD won't fumble their bag, so i am not worried about it.

to conclude, I will quote Zee,

then we come to LatteFirst, the kinda established couple: in the ep5 preview, we see First trying to choose between Latte and the newcomer Tle, which seemed random to me and could be a production touch to create conflict in this very smooth sailing show.

i loved seeing Latte being nonchalant about the possibility of First choosing someone else, what a laid back guy. like Mio in THC, every BL reality show needs a half asleep and occasionally funny dude.

now i am thinking; what if First chose Tle, would he also replace Latte in LUAT bc DMD doesn't really fuck w mixing matching their couples. i honestly don't know where did all that come from but i feel like the result wont be too shocking, First and Latte are already really close and comfortable and got The Chemistry. need i remind of Latte punching the air a la Judd Nelson at the end of The Breakfast Club when it was announced they both chose each other for the dinner date? and their sweet and comfortable banter on that said date??? let's put our pens to work and write a friends to lovers rom-com for the boys based on that material please...

i dont think they are likely to win but might be strong contender. i just want to see them as a side couple in LUAT (hopefully this year!!!!) so they can develop themselves and their bond a little bit more before getting to a main couple level. their sweet friendship shouldn't go to waste!!! (is it obvious i am more drawn to BL couples who are besties in real life?)

damn this post is about to be a novella so i will make it short about Gems, TeeTee and Tle, i hope Gems won't be too upset about getting slighted again 😥 like i said, stakes aren't high on this show and results are always obvious: these guys are going back home empty handed, we all know it. they are all charismatic and VERYYY talented but i just felt like none of them really focused on "getting a partner" part of the show, not just the main challenges. even TeeTee who was picked by Thomas and Keng seemed kinda uninterested about partnering up. but you cant really force chemistry and i am sure they will get many more opportunities in the future. they already started their fanbase!!! i cant stand to see Gems so upset, i hope he wont be too sad.

these are my opinions. maybe the ending will do a whole 180 and idk, GemsKeng or TleKong or some other random couple will win, who knows???? cant wait to watch the new overly airbrush filtered, Cheewin directed DMD show up to like 5 episodes and then get bored and drop it and follow the rest from gifs!!! good luck to the boys <3

#dmd friendship the reality #ThomasKong #KengNamping #LatteFirst #domundi

[chemicalbrew]

2023 game list, part 1: I love complaining!

Once again continuing what has become an honorable tradition thanks to @smash-64 💜

I tried to promise myself I'd be more organized this year, trying to take notes after I beat things, making lists and gifs and everything, as it has become a consistent yearly undertaking. In truth, what happened is that I felt more overwhelmed by this than I did the last three years. The best explanation I can give is a combination of two facts: this year, while not particularly worse than what came before, still saw my confidence in myself tank a bit (i.e. What does this matter when few people read it and I don't bring much things of value to the table?)...

And the fact that I played very few games that really stuck with me, that I enjoyed enough to see through to the end and feel like that had merit, for a lot of the year. When that wasn't the case, it was more than likely I'd been on my nth playthrough of Katana ZERO of the year (more on that in a later post, hopefully).

I probably need help, don't I?..

games I played, but don't have much to say about at the moment without being prompted, aside from 'I kinda liked them, I guess', ordered best to worst:

Purrfect Apawcalypse trilogy (2019-2021) - series of VNs that's genuinely just good fun as you find yourself attached to the characters before you know it. You'll know if this one is for you at a glance. Also, this is how I found out about Panel Royale! LOL

The Witch's House MV (2018) - good old RPG Maker horror with a few decent twists. The remake has good QOL changes.

Gunbrella (2023) - the plot might be forgettable, but you get a gun that's an umbrella! What's not to enjoy?

Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest (1995) - I played this game, but only in the most technical sense. Literally cheated the fun out of it - either that, or this platformer style is not for me.

Coffee Talk: Episode 2 - Hibiscus & Butterfly (2023) - the most upsetting entry on the list. The writer behind the original game has passed away, and his absence is felt keenly even if you're not aware of the fact - because this sequel lacks charm.

Turnip Boy Commits Tax Evasion (2021) - yet another of those cheap and short indie 2D Zelda clones. The definition of the word meh.

Irisu Syndrome (2008) - a unique free puzzle timewaster. Tries to have a story and fails.

dishonorable mentions (the part with the most complaining)

2064: Read Only Memories (PC, 2014) [♪ Home (Not) Sweet Home]

Starts off decent enough, doing the bare minimum to string you along the mystery (which, for most people with standards, wouldn't even be good enough, but I was willing to stick with it for the sake of the neat audiovisual presentation).

As soon as the murder scene is revealed, however, the main plot starts to fall apart, and the longer you spend with the game's writing (which seems to go on and on forever) and characters (about as flat as a pancake fresh off the pan), the more bleak and yawn-inducing they seem (including Turing, who just took longer than everyone else to annoy me).

Do yourself a favor, play VA-11 Hall-A (which this game gratuitously references) instead. You'll get all the benefits of cute pixel art and upbeat soundtrack, but with an actually good story\character cast to match. I swear it says something about 2064 that one of its most exciting moments was seeing throwaway lines from a VA-11 character!

Ori and the Blind Forest: Definitive Edition (PC, 2015) [♪ Climbing the Ginso Tree]

This is a game that won awards back when it came out almost a decade ago. Unfortunately, it feels like it was made to win awards and little more. While the credits scrolling up the screen tried to convince otherwise - with the usual special thanks given to families and pets of the developers - I sat there, unsure of what I was supposed to take from this experience (once again, the less words you try to use to tell your story, the more it usually suffers!).

The heart of any platformer is its movement systems - and, while eventually Ori's tools open up just enough to make you feel at least a little free and alive in its world, they also never go beyond what is almost painfully typical. Double jump, wall climb, ground pound, glide, charged projectile? None of that is going to wow anyone. The way it comes together is not too pleasant, either - Ori's too floaty and the obstacles before him, while painted with a talented stroke, are too unclear in their presentation to make for truly fun traversal. The exception to this is the escape sequences - sure, a lot of the time they're not much less frustrating than the rest of the game, but they're definitely more memorable, to the point where the accompaniment to one was the only part of the soundtrack I could think to showcase.

I don't regret the time I spent on this, per se, but what I can tell you is that it probably didn't deserve the awards. Also, the way the wall jump worked was annoying! Pushing towards the wall to do it feels very counter-intuitive, and with this I found that I much prefer when games have you face away from the wall to register wall jumps, or do not require you to press a direction at all.

Celeste (PC, 2018) [♪ Checking In] + Celeste Classic (2015, played as part of full game) :)

I was in high school when this made waves. I pointedly feigned disinterest as it splashed all over the internet, while making sure to download the soundtrack quickly and listen to it - more than occasionally - over the next three or so years. Lena Raine's work carried me through my school years and empowered me, and all the while I hadn't a clue what playing the game is actually like.

Those were the better days.

Now, the things about this game that seem to appeal the most to a lot of people are how refreshingly simple Madeline's moveset is and how much the game respects your time with death transitions and reloading, and the story it tells through heartfelt cutscenes and gameplay working in sync. To which I boldly say... none of those things are good enough.

Having to climb and manage your stamina adds another layer to navigating the rooms, sure, but to my simple ass, that's one layer too many. To the game's credit, there's a setting to make climbing toggleable instead of requiring you to hold down the trigger, and using that was the only reason I managed to push past the hotel and Oshiro (call me a scrub, it was genuinely overwhelming otherwise), but it still did nothing to change how I feel about this mechanic fundamentally.

I get it, it adds precision and verticality to your movement, and, seeing as you're literally supposed to be scaling a mountain, it's more than a natural inclusion... but its existence did nothing but add pressure for me, somehow. I would frequently forget it's an option at all before realizing the room in question expects me to utilize it. Instead of feeling like climbing expands my options, I felt constricted and awkward.

My second issue is much simpler. I'm a spoiled brat, and Celeste's respawning process involving that annoying whoosh sound effect and a transition that, yes, takes only about a second, but is still not quite instant, was not good enough. I recognize that having it be truly instant would not be ideal, either, but I can't help but wish that was the case.

As for the story... It underwhelmed me even back when I was doing surface level research at the time of release, and it's not impressing me now. It's okay, and I recognize why it would resonate with people - the themes of self-acceptance and resolve are plain to see (and just as plain to mull over). But in my time with the game, Madeline never began feeling less like an avatar for my failures and more like an actual character, never changed into someone I would truly like.

By the time I reached the Mirror Temple, I was certain that this game, in most respects, is just not what I would ever want. I pushed towards the summit anyway, and left it feeling profoundly... nothing.

However... Celeste Classic did not have any of those things! That little prototype gem of a game wastes zero time trying to set the stage and make you feel things with ~a story~, doesn't give you any opportunity to climb whatsoever, and neither does it waste your time having the screen fade to black when you die! And these three things, I reckon, are key to why this smaller version, that's supposed to just be treated as an Easter egg now, a relic of the past, and to be forgotten in favor of the project it grew into... resonated with me so much more! I beat it twice! It's lovely! It's what I actually needed Celeste to be!

IT'S COMPLICATED

AI: The Somnium Files (PC, 2019) [♪ MonzAI] + AI:TSF - Nirvana Initiative (PC, 2022) [♪ Nefarious Institute 1]

You know how they say not to judge the book by its cover? This is a story of me learning (once again) to judge a game neither by its reception nor by the credentials behind it. When I plowed through this duology, I came to understand that sometimes, lightning might strike just the once.

Of course, most of my bitter feelings about it stem from just how miraculous of a fuck-up Nirvana Initiative ended up being as a sequel (it's impressive how much it had to twist everything its predecessor stood for to even have a chance at making a mediocre point!), but a lot of the disappointment came from the way the first game carries itself in general, and maybe even from the presence this game has among fans. 'Oh, if you want more of the magic and mystery that you so enjoyed in Zero Escape, you have to try this! It'll be just as good!'

I should have had my doubts from the start, given how little I had enjoyed the ZE series after 999. AI1 flounders in many things, like its obtuse, deeply unfun gameplay loop - most of which is pressing random buttons until you see the most ridiculous shit present itself. There's also the overt reliance on stale and perverse jokes, and a story that can barely do much except trudge to the finish line and attempt to convince you the journey was worth it with a trite dance number, of all things.

But the thing is… even with all that, the first entry was somewhat compelling during its runtime, though most of that comes from its bold novelty. The idea of taking advantage of the surreality of dreams to find deeply concealed truths is fun to occasionally ponder, and there's just enough fluff to the places you visit and things you do to string you along for the ride (though having to check the same spots for flavor text on each revisit to very little results is a deep annoyance I have with both entries). The characters actually got a chance to grow (if not by much… this series' urge to be immature at every turn is nothing short of ruinous, sometimes), and their designs strike a wonderful line between outstanding and cringeworthy that makes them just… stick out in your brain, you know?

So while I thought the song and dance (both the literal and the metaphorical) were ultimately not worth much, I was still convinced, fooled by the magic just enough to see things come to an end; and the resolution itself was satisfying and believable, if nothing else. And with how exhausted I felt reaching this point, I figured that'd be enough.

To me, AI1 is all about finding shards of diamonds in the rough, and it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that its fandom runs away with what little they have to try and improve on it (and often succeed). As such, you'd expect its sequel to take advantage of how much room there is to grow, capitalize on this chance to refine things, and use the few strong themes the original presented (value of bonds and family made both by blood and by choice, finding those you can rely on to carry what you have done forward, etc)... right?

Um, yeah, turns out it twists over itself even more than I'd already thought possible in order to make sense (not to mention seemingly forsaking most of that mess right at the true end in order to approach the established universe from a contrived meta angle). If AI1 can be described as having extremely unrefined gameplay coupled with a decently intriguing story, NI is just about the opposite of that.

While I'm glad they bothered to make exploring the dream worlds enjoyable this go around, there's no way in hell that makes it worthwhile to bear witness to the innumerable ways in which this mess of a sequel sullied the already weak foundations laid down by its predecessor. When I had finished that game, I wrote, on impulse, that 'I haven't been this confounded by a sequel's existence since Chrono Cross'. It just… did not need to happen, like, at all.

Nirvana Initiative posed to me one of the worst questions you can have while playing a game, which is…

'Why am I doing this, again?'

Let's be real, it was mostly for the soundtrack. Unlike AI1, this game had passable music! Though having to watch ANOTHER dance number (like half a dozen times, actually! and no, there's no skip button!) just about had me gagging.

That's not even the worst part about that sequence, no - that would have to be the way it almost actively ruins and undermines what's probably the only passable character arc in NI (and even then, you have to squint hard for it to pass your judgement, given how it starts... gotta hand it to this game for managing to have multiple relationships with genuinely questionable setups involving uncomfortable age gaps).

I wanted to feel touched by the new, somewhat expanded narratives, I wanted to see the world grow a little, despite all the grievances I was certain I would have... But not even halfway through the plot, I realized that my true wish was to just move on. I think that's what I'll do here, as well, as even reminiscing on this chaos is quite dreadful.

Xenoblade Chronicles 3 (Switch, 2022) [♪ Agnus Colony]

Don't become prey and victim to your own expectations - or to bad advertising.

Xenoblade is a special series, full of wonder and power. Words fail me this year, as they did the year before, when it comes to describing how much of an impact these games - the second entry most of all, a game I think about now and then with a bittersweetness on my heart that I oddly never can get enough of - had had on my mental well-being last year. They might as well have saved me back then, and while getting to experience them was something I'd been planning to do for a while, the specific circumstances it all had happened under were just so special, so exceptional, so wild, that it's hard to think of those days as anything but a gift.

And yet, there are plenty of things in this particular journey I still have to reconcile with. I never settled on what my impression of 1 is, in the end (or, some might say, I never properly played it); I could use a fresher look at 2, and… I never, ever, will finish Xenoblade Chronicles 3. It's a game I once had hopes for, but nowadays don't ever want to think about.

I thought it a privilege, of sorts - the fact that I was there to witness (and acquire) a brand-new release in a series that became dearly important to me. I ended up hearing many things - the trailers, the rumors, the leaks. They all spoke of a definitive resolution to the series, of levels of refinement never seen before, of intrigue so big you can barely take it, of key character appearances we were all dying to see.

Turns out most of what we were so eagerly expecting came with an extra price tag.

The base game of Xenoblade 3 is a mirage, a mere shade of what came before it. The environments are open and vast, but they look more drab than ever - and with the new autowalk feature, it takes even less time to get sick of it. The music takes you on a journey, but you forget what it sounds like far sooner than you'd prefer. The battle system promises lots of options and a nice learning curve, but it only overextends, overwhelms and forces you to grind. The cutscenes look every bit the part of a Xenoblade story, but meander and stretch things out to the point of boredom, which means none of the characters get enough time to grow on the player, either… Though a lot of them would probably go nowhere even given all the time in the world.

And the setting as a whole? Well, it's a simulation, so who cares about it feeling unique or fun? That's the point, the game says, you're supposed to empathize with these characters breaking out of their bonds, out of this miserable existence! Well, I say that things can be made appealing even in decay. You don't have to actively worsen things to make a point.

Future Redeemed is an impressive demonstration of how things could have been. It fixes practically every point where the base game falters - and it is in this part of the game where all those promises that once seemed hollow finally come true. Sort of. The exploration process is smooth as butter in the way none of the games before were, characters are at last back to having defined roles in battle, and all that teasing becomes a thing of the past as 3 acknowledges its own roots and past in full, and you think to yourself… 'If only we'd got this in the base game all along!'

But we didn't. And the credits on Future Redeemed roll far too soon to truly be satisfied. Is this how you wanted the saga to end?

honorable mentions

Butterfly Soup 2 (PC, 2022) [♪ Night Tourist] *I hope you'll forgive me for not finding a GIF for a mostly static VN...

It's so funny. For me it has been two years; for the creator, it'd been five. But I guess time doesn't matter when it comes to maturity, as I feel like both myself and this game have done plenty of growth. And for that, I love it all the more, just as I am now thankful to be able to call Butterfly Soup a short series.

Compared to the first game, the art is more refined, the tone is more consistent, and treatment of serious topics is more grounded - in more ways than one, this sequel is like a fond, yet melancholic look at what you once had, what changed since then, and what you hope to make of things. But between all that, it stays sincere and silly in the best of ways - the ones that make you feel cozy on the darkest of nights, the ones that endear you for a good while yet. Truly, this game was a ray of light in a sea of mediocrity this year.

Road 96 (PC, 2021) [♪ Hit the Road]

Yeah, I know. The fact that I have played a goddamn walking simulator at the behest of a good pal (who might or might not be reading this, hi on the off chance that you are!) is nothing short of a miracle. Not to mention the fact that I ended up having a good time with it!

I'll put it plain: the vibes of this game are almost impeccable. It wastes little time setting things up - it's the turn of the century, and a massively corrupt government is practically folding in on itself as it closes its borders. It's up to you, as you're literally put into a blank-slate teenager's shoes, to go on a desperate journey and see whether or not you make your way out.

Over the course of Road 96, you do this six times, and the people you meet on the way and choices you make with them may or may not shape not just your own future, but that of the whole country. There's nothing for it, then, but hit the road and see what awaits you, as you sit in a car that's probably stolen, blaring music from your carefully curated tapes… or are dropped off on the wayside with nothing but a paltry backpack to speak of… or find yourself biding your time near a gas station… or… whatever it is the game throws at you, as you hope that the strangers you run into actually deign to help.

Yes, the biggest way this game attempts to stand out is with our good old friend, RNG. Even reading blurbs about it, you cannot escape the all-too-typical claims of 'your own personal journey', 'a thousand unique paths waiting for you' and all that… months later, I find myself unable to decide whether this helped the game or harmed it more, as it's definitely smaller than it makes itself out to be.

As a story hook, this setup is clever and delightful, as I tried to illustrate a moment earlier, but the moment you begin to overthink it, you realize that the randomness aspect clashes hard against the continuity the game tries to establish. You, as the player, indeed learn more about the world and colorful characters in it each time you venture forth, but the avatar you control is supposed to be clueless as ever, setting out on a path that is, in fact, not quite their own any more. It's a weird gripe to have, and I found it an easy one to ignore, but I wish something could be done about it anyway.

As for the rest of the plot, let's just say it's... surprisingly binary, and the supporting cast small and not always compelling in turn. The game sacrifices some of the personal intimacy and uniqueness it has built up to make a sweeping, painfully boring statement of 'freedom good, suppression bad' before credits roll, but as damaging as that is to the overall experience, I feel like one can't deny the fundamental appeal of just being asked to go on a journey with sweeping stakes and truly, truly banging music. Seriously, it was meant to be put on speakers and blasted as the world passes you by!

In a word, Road 96 is ambitious, and in a sentence, it is ambitious, yet falling short of itself. Nonetheless, I was impressed by how it managed to worm its way into my heart for a while.

A Space for the Unbound (PC, 2023) [♪ Don't Have Much Choice]

Wouldn't you know it? I had actually played two games involving entering people's subconsciousness to solve their problems this year!

Truth be told, I'd been looking forward to this game for about a year, given that it was published by the people behind Coffee Talk (which, if you recall, I had quite enjoyed). The warm and inviting screenshots on the back-then almost empty store page, showing off awesome art and promising a sweet little journey with slice-of-life tropes and a mystery waiting to be solved… well, to say all of that was alluring is to say nothing, really. I just about jumped when I received a notification for this game releasing at last at the beginning of the year, and wasted little time trying to dive in.

The sad thing is, what you see is not always what you get. The cozy, comfortable, sensible vibes of the early game - running around the city, doing chores at your school, naming every stray cat you come across, watching the protagonist's diary fill up as he crosses all the little goals he had set in life off his precious list… Yeah, those things won't last - definitely not long enough to get you attached to characters living in this world.

As the plot begins to unfold, it fumbles over itself trying to introduce various cliches and supernatural elements, to the point where you recognize the whole experience as a tedious drag as you see exactly where it's heading, and think to yourself that you have heard all this before. It's yet another heartfelt story about self-actualization, and as the game hammers it in harder than ever before, you sigh and wish you could go back to the times of bottle cap collecting and cat petting. Sometimes, simpler is better.

Unfortunately, that's not exactly true when it comes to actually playing A Space for the Unbound. The gameplay is as simple as can be - basically all you do is walk around (quite slowly) and interact with things. I can appreciate how linear the game is, for the most part, but I wish it let us accomplish our goals without wasting too much time! Not to mention, if you try to see everything there is, you have to be prepared to deal with quite a few mind-numbingly repetitive mini-games for far longer than you have to. Don't do that. It'll just sully your impression of the game.

If you're somehow still interested in this after reading this messy opinion of mine, don't be too discouraged - you'll see plenty of beautiful sights, hear some cute music, and, maybe, be affected by the story far more than I was. (Besides, for a cat lover, it's always nice to see others appreciate them!) Just... try not to waste too much time with the game's superficial sidequests.

Tales of the Abyss (3DS, 2011 port of a 2006 release) [♪ The Distribution Base]

There's something ironic in how playing (most of) this game has been one of the best things I have done with my lovely 2DS since I homebrewed it earlier this year... and yet I quite regret not checking how (ahem) easily available the PS2 version is, instead. They may be functionally identical, but the hardware is not - you have no idea how hard some of the goddamn Mieu Fire puzzles become when your character is taking up a mere four or so pixels of an already tiny screen. Man, that was trying my patience at its finest.

These horrors aside, though, what kind of game are we even dealing with here? Well, it’s a Tales game first and foremost. I can’t deny claims that Abyss has a few strengths of its own (most notably, of course, actually bothering to have coherent character development arcs), but it’s not quite enough to obscure the ever-prevalent issues this series has:

exploration and side-questing is still annoyingly obtuse, not to mention traversal is painfully slow in the first half of the game,

some characters (in this case, Anise more so than others, but I'd argue Mieu's whole existence is part of this too) are obligated to suffer because Tales has to meet its unhealthy anime tropes\wackiness quota per game,

the skit system has not, unfortunately, evolved one bit (the amount of times I would skip a skit on accident, because any input halts its playback entirely…),

while I’m inclined to say the battle system is, for the most part, an improvement (the Field of Fonons mechanic is quite a nice change given the foundations of Tales gameplay, I have to admit), any goodwill you might want to give it gets shattered when you realize Free Run breaks bosses in half. And aside from that, it’s just your usual button-mashy fare.

So why did I push on with this game as far as I did, pulling the classic move of quitting right at the final boss instead of, well, any earlier? A lot of that is because I was just in the mood to mash some buttons in bed until I realized I was slightly underleveled for the finale and caught myself groaning at the mere thought of trying to even cheese it. A shame, that, because the ending of this game is pretty wonderful for what it set out to do, and it was the only bit I did not see on my own. It's like my experience with Final Fantasy VI all over again…

That's not all there is to it, though. Abyss has some of what's probably the most involved and curious worldbuilding (once you get past all the awkward made up jargon it loves to throw at you) of any Tales game I know! Not that this says much, because that's a low bar, and I'm not too familiar with the series at large, but it was enough to keep me engaged for a long while. And, as mentioned earlier, it puts in greater efforts than I expected to endear you to the cast as they slowly band together and uncover their own talents, purposes and aims in life - Luke in particular.

I liked him almost immediately - because I'm not too hard to please when it comes to this series, and his design is, I feel, particularly sweet and striking (especially given how nicely the game used the Important Haircut trope with him, and of course, the contrast between him and Asch). But that alone doesn't a good protagonist make - it's the fact that the story allows Luke to make mistakes (from small ones to straight-up catastrophes), get his comeuppance and grow from them organically, at his own pace, that makes him stand out in my mind.

As Luke sheds his sheltered ways of thought and accepts his responsibilities, those that were traveling with him, either out of obligation or by chance, begin to support him more and stand by him in earnest. It all comes together gradually and at a satisfying pace, and is definitely a highlight of the experience to me.

Growth and connection are probably among the biggest themes of the game, so it's nice to see that it applies pretty much equally to both protagonists and antagonists. Sure, it's the job of a Tales' Big Bad faction to be goofy and up to nefarious activities, but beyond that, the group has solid enough chemistry both among themselves and with the party that I actually ended up looking forward to most encounters with them, even if ultimately it felt a little predictable. As an aside, for a game this old, the voice acting was really good and plentiful (though there is none for skits, which sucks), and further piqued my interest in the story along the way.

To conclude, I'd like to say that the biggest thing I learned while playing this game is that I'm a sucker for grounded tales of (ha) self-actualization even this many years later. And also that once you play one Tales game, you truly, to some extent, know them all.

SANABI (PC, 2023) [♪ Warm Hospitality]

Do you want to know why I ended up playing this one? Of course you do, that wasn't really a question. I only bring this up because the answer can be revealed with a single screenshot:

...yep, the inspiration is that blatantly on display. I was expecting it, of course - the Katana ZERO community is the only reason I know of SANABI in the first place, and even as you read people's thoughts on it, the extreme similarity is practically all they ever bring up, be it in a positive or negative light. It pleased me and warmed my heart, while also making me feel wary - it's one thing to be inspired by something, and another to actually carve an identity of your own.

That said, KZ is far from the worst thing to try to replicate, particularly when it comes to visuals - SANABI has some awesome scenery that makes me feel right at home. And while the story at times feels so much like an amateurish copy that it leaves me confused more than anything (I'm sure the awkward English translation sadly does not help matters, not to mention the fact that I'd played this game in an unfinished state - you might expect me to write about it again next year!), the gameplay is anything but.

I'm sure there are quite a few platformers out there that have you use what's essentially a grappling hook to swing through the stages, but SANABI is my first experience with something like this, and in this regard the game absolutely manages to shine on its own. Movement is lightning-fast and responsive, enemy targeting is extremely generous - almost to the point of being handholdy (and, of course, they all die in one satisfying hit - as do you, if you set the game to the highest difficulty. It's nice to be given an opportunity to learn the ropes before engaging with the game earnestly!), and there's something to be said about how the level design has that extreme kind of clarity to it that I always appreciate and favors speed over precision, with how spacious everything is.

My only big issues with how the game plays are how it doesn't seem to be designed with a controller in mind (it is an option, but I found myself moving much more precisely with KBM! Me! Someone who never plays games with that!), and, once again, the just-a-bit-too-long death animation\transition. Being able to skip it helps, but I just yearn for no time to be wasted...

#celeste #aitsf #xbc3 #tales #abyss #zero.txt #yearly game list #flashing gif #.gif

[flydotnet]

Bad Things Happen Bingo! The event where you send me requests according to this marvelous card! (Red cross is the completed prompt, character headshots are prompts I’ve already filled).

He's a child with the brain of an adult, the biggest moron you've ever seen!

I cannot get over the fact I somehow didn't write for Detectice Conan until this week. This franchise was my actual gateway into whump when I was 6 and my ass still didn't write any juicy stuff with it. I got back into DCMK back in 2017, have rewatched select episodes and/or movies of it (mostly the 1st and 2nd ones, which are both part of my formative whump experience lol) every year… but nope!

Actually, this prompt was supposed to be for IDOLiSH7, and I had the idea for it written down for two years; but let's be real, I was never going to write it, especially this late, and instead, I jumped onto the first other opportunity to get rid of this prompt.

That opportunity came in the form of Tekiro who, to my surprise, actually paid attenion to my stupid ramblings about my stupid bingo card for whomst knows what dark purposes, and handed me an idea on a silver platter: DCMK, Shinichi as Conan and Ran, post-falling-into-some-water-during-a-case. I was smitten with the idea and ran with so hard.

I think the final product did diverge from Tekiro's original idea, unfortunately. Ran was meant to play a much more proactive role in this, but instead, I ended up with mostly Shinichi doing what he does best: overthink absolutely everything and also simping for Ran while he's at it. The image of Conan buried in blankets was fun though!

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Blanket Statements

Summary: Shinichi, buried underneath three and a half blankets, ponders upon the orb (his feelings on the situation and also how cool Ran is).

Fandom: Detective Conan Relationships: Shinichi/Ran

Word Count: 1.7K words

AO3 version available here.

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Somewhere through the haze of fever, between two approximate tons of blankets covering from chin to toe, one statement rings through his mind: this is somewhat humiliating.

Well, Shinichi supposes being a genius sixteen-year-old stuck in a six-year-old’s body is embarrassing to begin with since nobody takes you seriously anymore (except, like, two cops, a fugitive from the criminal organisation who got you there in the first place and one jackass from Osaka who somehow guessed you were a genius sixteen-year-old stuck in a six-year-old’s body). Being treated like a child has certainly not stopped irking him, even if with time, the mask has started sticking with a little less discomfort to his face; but this is another humiliation altogether, even compared to what’s sadly become his daily life.

For all of the mishaps he’s had on cases and outside of his favourite activity in the whole world, Shinichi had never pictured himself buried in a pile of blankets, with just his face sticking out from there, in the Mouris’ flat of all places. Maybe Prof Akasa’s lab would’ve felt less shameful, since that man has seen him in states Shinichi can only hope to forget the memory of, but the Mouris’? Where Ran lives? Mortifying.

The way he ended up in this situation is a farce in itself – that much he knows from how Hattori mocked the hell out of him on the phone when he had to explain the context behind one of Ran and Kazuha’s conversations that stupid Osakan had caught word of. He wouldn’t have needed said Osakan’s opinion to think that, of course, but it only serves to corroborate what he already deducted.

It was just a run-of-the-mill criminal case in Beika: suspicious death near a river, three suspects without any alibi and possible motives all around, foul play clearly involved. Truth be told, it was almost insulting how easy it was for Shinichi to untangle the whole thing and straighten it into a single timeline to take everyone along for the side with Uncle’s cigarette-laden voice.

Or, well, it’d have been, if he hadn’t fallen straight into the cold waters below when trying to showcase something to Inspector Megure.

Instead, it very much had the opposite effect: not only did it then take Inspector Sato around fifteen minutes to deduce what he was trying to hint at, it also threw the whole situation for a loop because, for all of his athletic prowess, Shinichi had trouble swimming with the heavy winter gear Ran had dressed him up in and drowning became a possibility much too fast to his liking.

Ran did save him from the waters, at least, but not before he was thoroughly soaked and had to stew in his own juices for a little while. There was no hiding behind the bushes to pretend to be Sleeping Kogoro either, so it was a long, drawn-out time session of whodunnit – one Shinichi was very frustrated not to be participating in and very satisfied to leave.

If it had stopped at an uncomfortable half-hour spent watching not-that-sharp-witted detectives (and Inspector Sato) try putting together a puzzle that wasn’t that complicated because nobody had noticed the clue left by the riverbank, Shinichi wouldn’t be stewing in his frustration and pile of blankets. No, that’d have been too easy, and someone in the skies above has something against him, he’s certain of it.

It’s a cliché. It’s such a cliché and he’s certain hypothermia isn’t supposed to do that to you aside from, well, hypothermia – but Shinichi has fallen ill after a dip in the water and it pisses him off.

Yeah, okay, he’s caught what can honestly be called a nasty cold, but this doesn’t mean Ran isn’t going overkill with it. He loves her, he really does, including when she gets protective over him (even when she doesn’t know it, courtesy of his current form); but this really is too much.

Ran’s always been like that, though. Once she gets into caring mode, there’s nobody that can stop us. Not even a tsunami could, Shinichi is certain: if he, or her father, or Sonoko, or Kazuha was trapped in the midst of a deadly flood, a wall of water heading for all of them, Ran would swim back to them, put them to safety, and only then maybe think of saving herself. It’s nerve-wracking to be around her, sometimes, when you know she’ll absolutely destruct herself if it means saving someone.

Long reasoning short, it’s not surprising that she’d bury him under a bazillion blankets too much for a simple cold; so imagine one where his voice, usually so childish and disgustingly high-pitched for a teen (let alone impossible to take seriously, let’s be real there), has almost gone instinct on him and where he can spike a fever whenever his body feels like it’s not doing enough damage to the virus inside it. Delightful, really.

It’d be more delightful if it didn’t feel like being smothered in a thousand heavy blankets by the strongest arms in the world – but what can Shinichi say? That he doesn’t like the attention? That’d be a lie. He couldn’t even say that without breaking into a terribly tense smirk. That’s ridiculous.

Ridiculous, but also somewhat humiliating. And also, he’s dying from blanket overdose.

Time to do something about it, he supposes.

“Raaaaan,” he takes on his whiny little snotty brat voice (even if it sounds more scratched than Prof Akasa’s dust-covered records that he still uses, for some reason), “do I really need all those blankets?”

She turns around in half a second (Shinichi refuses to think for even a second this fever and the mucus in his brain are slowing his mind, he’s more than above that) and rushes in a swift run, hair flowing behind her and picking all of the daylight in the room.

“You’ll be cold if you take them off!” She replies without a single grain of reluctance. “And you need to be warm!”

“But… I’m way too hot, Raaaaan…”

Instead of getting at least one blanket off him, out of three (a meltingly comfortable plaid, a scratchy blanket Uncle keeps in his office for some reason and Ran’s favourite, he can tell by the fragrance, it’s very pleasing), she kneels in front of the couch with a worried frown that’s both endearing and infuriating.

“Let me see,” she tells him in that voice she always gives the Detective Boys, always gives Conan.

Maybe it’s because having a head cold is making him snappier, but he can’t jive with that tone as well as he usually does. Most days, he can just bypass the infantilization of it all to focus on what matters (Ran paying him her upmost attention and spending all her time with him).

Ran does what she tends to do when confronted with someone with too red of a cheek: she puts her left hand on her forehead, palm against skin, and the back of her right on someone else’s forehead. Strands of his hair, soaked with sweat, are clinging to the base of her fingers, but she doesn’t complain, doesn’t as much as frown in disgust or discomfort, not even slightly.

“Your fever’s gone down a little,” she concludes with a slightly less concerned voice and alleviated features, much to his own relief. “But we need to keep it in check!”

“I know, Ran, I knooooow.”

She gets back up and stares at the pile in front of her, tilting her head left to right and back to left, a pout on her lips.

“On second thought, if you’re feeling better, maybe we could take off a blanket… Do you feel too hot, Conan?”

He vigorously shakes his head to the point of dizzying himself. This would be embarrassing if he wasn’t too busy trying to get himself a little freer, and also, dealing with a stupid head cold that has turned everything about his sharp senses into nothing but meaningless mush.

“I see,” Ran muses, fingers dancing on her chin before she finally goes for the top blanket – the scratchy one Kogoro keeps in his office. “Is it better?”

He nods again and, to his pleasure, it’s both cooler on his overheated skin and bringing a smile to the girl he’s officially dating when not obligated to be in a six-year-old’s literal shoes.

“That’s good, then! Do you need anything else?”

Shinichi hesitates on that one. Ran’s pretty much been hovering him nonstop for two days, and it’s starting to show on her face. Not so deep down, he knows he doesn’t need much: he has water near him, there is no painkillers he can take for a couple more hours, his eyelids are drooping again and he’s, at the end of the day, a teenager used to living alone.

However, being Conan has a couple perks; most importantly, if he wants to be a needy brat who just has to have big sis Ran by his side during a boring Sunday while sick with a killer head cold, then he gets to be that brat all over again. Ran can barely say no to Conan, much more than she’d be with Shinichi, and there just have to be perks about his current situation. Moreover… Faded memories of frankly lonely days spent wasting away in bed or on the couch with barely any attention other than Prof Akasa’s have left him wanting for more, and if usually he can keep it at bay with a passion for crime mysteries, now, it’s a whole other story. A distraction is always welcome.

All in all, with a dashing uniform vote from all of his sides, Shinichi decides being whiny as Conan is the best use of his stupidly boring sick day.

“Can you stay with me?” He asks, sniffling, as miserable as the most cliché Victorian child possible.

As always, to his upmost happiness, Ran’s face softens and she gives him the sweetest smile as she comes to sit next to him.

“Of course I can do that, Conan,” she replies with words like honey. “Anything else?”

“No, that’s good enough.”

He lets his head droop on her shoulder and falls asleep right here and there.

He can think about this being humiliating or not when it doesn’t feel as fuzzy and warm to be bundled in so many blankets.

#bad things happen bingo #detective conan #dcmk #bundled up in blankets #shinran #tbhb

[denimbex1986]

'“The Giggle” has been. The outcome: Ncuti Gatwa IS the Doctor! AND David Tennant IS ALSO the Doctor!

Well, people said they wanted a multi-Doctor story, I guess.

So what’s happened, what does it mean, and will anyone ever get to read the original version of this article that I wrote in an extremely broad German accent?

In the final act of 60th anniversary special “The Giggle”, David Tennant’s Fourteenth Doctor was shot with a massive laser by The Toymaker (Neil Patrick Harris) and started to regenerate. However, the regeneration energy disappeared, and the Doctor asked his friends to pull. The Fifteenth Doctor (Ncuti Gatwa) emerged as a new incarnation, leaving the Fourteenth alive and well and slightly confused. This is a ‘bigeneration’.

What the Flip Is a Bigeneration?

It’s apparently a Time Lord myth, and like many good Time Lord myths we’ve never heard of it before. It is essentially a regeneration where the old and new incarnation both survive to interact, the old one gets to grow old and – potentially – regenerate into the new one at a later date? Not 100% sure on that last bit, but it can be inferred from 15’s saying to 14 “I’m fine because you fix yourself”.

Showrunner Russell T Davies has suggested, in the commentary for this episode (available to stream on BBC iPlayer in the UK) that this concept might have spread throughout the history of the show, explaining fan theories such as the one surrounding Season 6B (the idea of 6B being that, after Patrick Troughton’s Second Doctor disappears into the void in “The War Games”, he doesn’t immediately regenerate into the Third, and ends up being used as an unofficial operative for shadowy Time Lord affairs – I know, imagine!). To be clear: this is not something Davies has confirmed for the future of the show, but it was mentioned as a possible way to have previous actors return to the role.

Is There a Precedent For This or What?

Absolutely not, no. However, there wasn’t a precedent for the first regeneration in 1966, which was a workaround prompted by the ill health of First Doctor actor William Hartnell, and fans eventually managed to cope with that one.

Two Doctors: No Peril?

Well, there wasn’t a huge amount of peril before, was there? Previously, the Doctor regenerated and we said goodbye to the old incarnation (barring multi-Doctor specials) and hello to the new. That’s still the case, really, so the actual threat level is pretty similar: we always know when a regeneration is coming so it’s not a huge surprise. The difference is that the previous incarnation is still cutting about somewhere.

What Does It All Mean for the Whoniverse?

Ah, I see you’ve adopted the official branding. Well, we don’t know the full ramifications yet. We don’t know if Ncuti Gatwa’s Fifteenth Doctor will regenerate or bigenerate. We don’t know if David Tennant is on speed dial for future series finales. What we know is there is potential here, and if we’re honest it could go either way.

Bigeneration felt like a farewell to Doctor Who (2005 – 2023). It needed a rest. The Fourteenth Doctor looked like an older Tenth Doctor, who brought down a government by saying “Don’t you think she looks tired?” in his first episode. Doctor Who (2023 – ) is still the Doctor Who that started in 1963 and restarted in 2005 (with a delightful barrage of references to demonstrate that), but it’s also a new start.

It’s quite a symbolic gesture to mark a significant change, which is a bold move given that the one thing Doctor Who fans cope with worse than change is symbolism.

The positives are the sense of closure it can give to the previous incarnation, who gets to hear the new one say “Don’t worry, I’ve got this”. There’s a support system in place, a reduction in post-regenerative trauma. The previous incarnations get to play their age in scenes like Tales from the TARDIS. There’s increased potential for stories. Also, if apparently set-in-stone aspects of the series can be challenged – and with the Time Lords currently dead again – who knows what that means for history?

But Does It Undermine Ncuti Gatwa’s Doctor?

Maybe. The worry is that – while the intention is for fans to fill in the deliberate (Curator-sized) gaps – the presence of past incarnations can loom over the current Doctor.

You remember the pressure on Matt Smith when he took over from David Tennant? That was without the in-story possibility of Tennant turning up again. Ncuti Gatwa is clearly positioned as a new start and the future in “The Giggle”, and the hope is clearly that the show will move forward and not have to look over its shoulder.

The expanded universe spin-off series that are expected to arrive will also provide a training ground for potential future showrunners. There’s clearly a plan in place to ensure that Doctor Who is a long-term concern.

However, we’ve just had the return of David Tennant and Catherine Tate as the Doctor and Donna. These characters are still around. We know that ‘Mad Aunty Mel’ (the returning Bonnie Langford, reprising her role as Mel after her brief two-series tenure as companion in the late Eighties) is back in Ncuti Gatwa’s first series, and surely the Fourteenth Doctor and Donna will be asked about.

Essentially we’re in new territory here, and at the start of something. Unlike “The Timeless Child”, which came in midway through Chris Chibnall’s time as showrunner, we know Ncuti Gatwa has at least two series to go and explore these ideas (as opposed to Chibnall having one COVID-abridged series in which to wrap everything up).

The gamble is whether or not folk will accept Gatwa as the Doctor to the extent that the past is remembered fondly and warmly but still very much considered The Past. The worry is, having brought Tennant and Tate back for these three specials and allowing them to be both nostalgia and a foundation, the audience that is brought with them pines for them in their absence. The new cast is haunted by the spectre of the old. Ncuti Gatwa’s era is hobbled by its opening gambit.

Or, alternatively, we might never hear about bigeneration ever again.

So There Might Be Absolutely Nothing to Worry About?

In the context of Doctor Who, ja.'

#Doctor Who #The Giggle #60th Anniversary #David Tennant #Ncuti Gatwa #Bi-generation #Neil Patrick Harris #Matt Smith #The Toymaker #William Hartnell #Russell T. Davies #BBC iPlayer #Patrick Troughton #Melanie Bush #Bonnie Langford #The Timeless Child #Chris Chibnall #Catherine Tate #Donna Noble

[mlobsters]

supernatural s8e6 southern comfort (w. adam glass)

the orange of it all 😩

oh boy. goofy music and garth. and dean in trouble with sam. well, dean is entirely unbothered that sam's mad at him. but sam seems to be just mad about the vampire part, not the lying part. all right.

SAM But you're out now, and Benny's still breathing. Why? DEAN He's my friend, Sam. SAM And what about my friend, Amy? She was what? 'Cause you sure as hell didn't have a problem ganking her.

okay but didn't sam come around to agreeing with dean on that? or at least agreeing to disagree LOL fucking jewel staite plotline that would never die. agh.

SAM So, how does that make this our kind of thing? DEAN Because, Sam, Kevin's in the wind, okay, you're sulking around like a eunuch in a whorehouse, and I can't help but ask myself, when is decapitation not my thing?

think i went through the same face journey as sam to the eunuch in a whorehouse line but the end bit made me laugh

jump scares from the confederate flag plastered everywhere, jesus

GARTH So how'd you get out?

the way sam whipped his head around to make a spectacular array of faces at dean 😂

GARTH Yeah. Man, I felt terrible when I ganked that SOB. SAM Uh, you killed the Tooth Fairy? GARTH Yeah, man. I mean, not my proudest moment, but it happened.

....okay.

mmmk.

dunno what to say about that amelia flashback. it was done well, she did a really good job! i felt some things. but the whole plotline itself is... just feels like manufactured conflict.

oh but i just had a brilliant brainwave

maybe we have amelia to thank for getting the sideburns wrangled (somewhat)!!! 🫡🫡🫡

speaking of manufactured conflict, this thing with garth and dean over bobby. dean snapping at him, garth getting upset. mushy music that reminds me of the princess bride

amused that bobby apparently wrote in very neat cursive in his journal

confederate unknown soldier. okay.

glad to see amelia has her hair back and not the wonky wig in the previous episode. so this flashback was prompted by garth saying he and dean aren't listening to each other. and what, amelia wasn't listening to him when she pushed him away the morning after?

she could be straight out of a vidal sassoon commercial with that hair, gorgeous

jesus fucking christ i know my startle reflex has been like. extra sensitive recently but good fucking lord next scene actual jump scare when the dude shoots the glass. i hate that shit

i would snark about him hamming it up but the man just full on sniffed him and said the spectre likes him, so i mean, do what you must

DEAN You should have looked for me when I was in Purgatory.

in sam's defense, i will say again, if dean was actually in heaven which he assumed he was since he thought he was dead, would he still expect sam to get him? can argue that yes too, of course. or some handwavy he coulda checked somehow with a spell or whatever. anyway, with how they are, and have been historically, it does lend a little credence to dean's side of things

nice usage of fell on black days by soundgarden. they've been hittin it with the montages set to music (like this one of cas smiting to the yardbirds [scroll down in the post])

so i guess this whole monster of the week situation was to get this airing of grievances moment for dean

DEAN You never even wanted this life. Always blamed me for pulling you back into it. SAM That's not true. DEAN Really? 'Cause everything you've ever done since you climbed into my ride has been to deceive me. SAM What do you want me to say? That I've made mistakes? I've made mistakes, Dean. GARTH That's not Dean, Sam. DEAN Shut up! Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood, check. Being in cahoots with Ruby. Not telling me that you lost your soul. Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you're doing all kinds of crazy. Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices!

so it's not even things that dean necessarily might feel, it's things sam would feel guilty about whether or not it was within his control

SAM All right. You said it. We've both played a little fast and loose. DEAN Yeah, I might have lied, but I never once betrayed you. I never once left you to die. And for what, a girl? You left me to die for a girl?

again see why a lot of fic really belabor this point!

GARTH Come on, Dean. You do not want to kill your brother. You – you've been protecting him your whole life. Don't stop now. DEAN He left me to rot in Purgatory!

GARTH All right. All right. Maybe he did. I don't know. I wasn't there. But I'm sure he had his reasons. SAM Just like you had your reasons for Benny. GARTH Who? DEAN Benny has been more of a brother to me this past year than you've ever been! That's right. Cas let me down. You let me down. The only person that hasn't let me down is Benny.

that's a bold statement, ghost-possessed-dean.

SAM But what? But you didn't mean it? Oh, please. You and I both know you didn't need that penny to say those things. DEAN Come on, Sam. SAM Own up to your crap, Dean. I told you from the jump where I was coming from, why I didn't look for you. But you? You had secrets. You had Benny. And you got on your high and mighty, and you've been kicking me ever since you got back. But that's over. So move on, or I will. DEAN Okay. I hear you.

good job sticking up for yourself, sam! stop being an asshole, dean!

SAM Good. You know what? Hear this, too. I just might be that hunter that runs into Benny one day and ices him.

okay well, moment of reconciliation over

DEAN I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, won't we? SAM Yeah. Yeah. You keep saying that.

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 8x06 #garth fitzgerald iv #amelia richardson #benny lafitte #sideburns #chopsurveillance #CHOPS HAVE BEEN CONTAINED #spn tpb music

[mittensmorgul]

2022 in Mittens Fic

It’s time again for the annual accounting of things I wrote this year! I’m pleased that while still a disappointingly low total for me, I still beat my total word count from 2021, so progress is being made, which I’ll always gladly take! Honestly anything is better than that 2020 total at this point lolol! I long since abandoned my goal of ever surpassing the 250k i posted in 2015, but that’s okay! I still wrote a decent bit!

For reference, past year end summaries can be found here:

2021 | 2020 | 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | the closest thing I have to a 2015 wrap up post is the lil bit of text at the bottom of 2016′s post… even though my two most popular fics were from 2015 lololol

I managed a Pinefest fic, a DCRB fic, AND a DCBB fic this year, which is the first time I’ve ever managed all three, so go me I guess? And maybe I enjoy working to deadlines more than I ever assumed before? Or maybe I would’ve written even more if I hadn’t been pushing at deadlines (and letting myself slack off, even if rest is important and beneficial to writer brain, when I was far ahead of schedule...). But I’m overall pretty pleased with this year’s works.

I tied last year’s fic total, with six, but beat last year’s word count with 117,486, so go me! Not even counting the ~63k fic i’m working on for pinefest this year...even if it’s already written it’s not posting until February. Love rolling over a big fic into the new year every year like this. it feels weirdly like cheating somehow, yet I do it every year :’D

Also slightly cheating, but since I mentioned it last year, I still haven’t missed a week of my eternal rewatch podcast, @spngeorg which is still going strong! Uploading episode 91, 5.09 The Real Ghostbusters tonight! If my millions of words of written meta aren’t enough for you, you can now hear me being grumpy about this show out loud! (new episodes drop every Thursday night at or around midnight eastern time, if you’re interested you can start from the beginning on AnchorFM or wherever you enjoy podcasts!)

Let’s get to the fic! Presented in the order they posted:

Mr. Fix It (54,383 words, rated M) written for the Pinefest. It started with a photo of the shopping center sign that Mel sent me several years back, and the instruction “this is a writing prompt.” Amazingly, it was a great writing prompt! and a great art prompt, thanks to @lotrspnfangirl! Dean runs a repair shop called Mr. Fix It with Charlie, and Cas runs the bar at the other end of the strip mall, Steve’s. There’s shady real estate dealings, secret identities, and found family taking care of each other through it all.

lectio in equis (13,016 words, rated T) my first ever DCRB, and I screamed delightedly when I claimed @scarlettmichkat ’s artwork! Actually still kinda lowkey screaming about it. I LOVE this artwork. Like, wanna frame it and hang it in my living room love. Canon case fic, sort of, as Dean and Cas get to play cowboy for a day looking for a lost MoL chapter storage facility out in the New Mexico desert. Plus, Jesse and Cesar being the best retired hunters.

Baby X-File (2,698 words, rated T) Written for the final GISH hunt, a crossover scene between SPN and the X Files, canon-adjacent to both, to a prompt from my team captain who isn’t on tumblr... thank you Sammy!

honey wine  (764 words, rated T) annual deancasversary fic! They go to the rennfest, and medieval hilarity and fluff ensues

Heart Shaped Box  (43,504 words, rated M) my DCBB this year, canon case fic wherein Dean and Cas are the case. beautifully illustrated by @marvfortytwo​ and a cathartic walk through a series of memories. I mostly wanted to revisit . Set within days of Dean rescuing Cas from the Empty, because that’s exactly what happened in canon as we all know (I SAID, AS WE ALL KNOW).

The Ghost of Christmas Present(s) (3,121 words, rated T) annual holiday fic, Dean and Cas attempt holiday shopping together. hilarity and shmoop ensue.

And that’s my year in fic. Like I said at the top, I’ve already got more than half this total written to post in 2023, so it looks like I’m still not slowing down. Since I posted my To Be Written file’s stats last year, I figured I should do the same again...

lol... a year later, two pages and 1400 more words added... i swear at this rate i will never finish writing it all, which I find weirdly comforting.

Thanks to everyone who’s read, kudos’ed, commented, reblogged, rec’ed, and enjoyed anything I’ve written in the last year. I love you all. <3 See you in 2023!

#spn fanfic #destiel #things i have written #2022 fic roundup #shameless self promotion

[savrenim]

okay so the writing prompts You have been sentenced to death in a magical court. The court allows all prisoners to pick how they die and they will carry it out immediately. You have it all figured out until the prisoner before you picks old age and is instantly transformed into a dying old man. Your turn approaches. and subsequent story reply passed my dash again and my problem is I have some Real Answers that are living rent-free in my head but I did not want to write several hundred words in tags of clog up the post so guess I’m doing the tumblr thing of ‘make your own post’

but here we go, answers to this question that my brain has thought up and their rankings:

1. ‘Immolated standing right here right now in this timeline and universe by a 12km planet-killer class asteroid traveling at 30km/s as it vaporizes upon contact with the planet, alongside everything else in a ~200km impact crater’  : 3.5/10

So this one gets points for being the classic ‘Taking You Down With Me Syndrome’ in as far as I can come up with in a minute with my fictional life on the line. Also points for: as unavoidable as I think possible to come up? I have specified here and now, so they can’t teleport me to a different planet or time, or similarly to a different multiverse, which really makes no easy escape for anyone else around me. Furthermore, the specification of being a part of the impact crater makes it less likely that it’ll just happen to me in a magical bubble that is killed without it affecting everyone around me; even if it transports everyone else outside of the crater and just kills me in the impact, enough of the planet’s crust will be ejected into the atmosphere from the ‘crater’ part of the request to heat it up upon friction of re-entry enough to bake everything on the planet’s surface, not to mention the superheated rock around that is basically acting like a nuke causing thermal radiation to destroy everything within 1000km, massive shockwave winds, a magnitude 11 earthquake, etc. Explosions like that happen so fast that 1000% this just flat-out Would Not Hurt, I’d be dead before I realized I was dead. All in all, nice generally spiteful way to go, fun wording to deliver, satisfying thing to stare someone in the eyes at their growing horror and describe.

Points taken away for the facts that (a) I do still die, (b) it is possible that the reason that other people have not done this or something like this already is because it’s built into the death curse that it won’t kill other people for you too and I did not word this carefully enough to allow for killing everyone else in the aftermath in which case I’ve just wasted the wish, (c.) this does kill the entire planet and end possible almost every living species and probably every intelligent living species in I’m guessing the known universe unless there are stuff like fae realms that might be safe but destruction on that scale is kind of petty and I’m not totally sure I would want to do it, I do kind of like humanity and all that jazz. seems like a bit of a waste to take everyone down with me in my grand revenge, unfortunately, I’m too flashy to ask for an asteroid just big enough to take out the village, if I’m going to go down it’s going to be in planet-destroying style.

specs for this description are taken from the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs on Earth, which has the advantage that depending on what angle the thing actually hits at, potentially leaving the planet habitable in a couple of hundred thousand years again.

2. ‘By our sun going supernova (at the end of its lifespan)’ : 2.5-6.5/10

So this one gets potentially slightly more points than 1. because it’s just....... interesting. in that there are a lot of options and any of the options are really cool? but also less points bc there are so many options that are SO much more unpleasant. (and yes this is somewhat inspired by Dr Who that was a fucking Iconic episode, moisturize me). but so far as I see it, there are four ways this can go:

(a) The sun just magically goes supernova right now, guess it’s the end of its lifespan because a death curse said so. Takes about eight minutes to hit us, everyone gets killed just like the planet-killing asteroid but tbh in a 10000x cooler manner, all of the advantages and disadvantages of 1 working.

(b) I get teleported into the future to watch the sun go supernova, die very quickly because the sun kills me not the vacuum of space or atmosphere being unbreathable again etc etc, but mostly this begets the question of: assuming that the fantasy planet that I’m on is fairly similar to our own, we are around a G-type main sequence star! Those things don’t go supernova! they don’t have enough mass! which means that I get to watch as a magical death curse attempts to somehow figure out how to make the entire fucking sun go supernova at the end of its lifetime think about what cool science that is!!!!!!! I might die but think of how much data future astromagiphysicists are going to get from this!!!!!

(c.) The Magical Death Curse Does Not Have Enough Energy To Make The Sun Go Supernova And Fizzles Out In Trying, which while it sounds good actually is pretty boring bc they’re likely to just, like, stab me with their swords if it happens. rip me.

(d) answer (b), but instead of teleporting me to the future, I am made immortal until the sun reaches the end of its lifespan and proceeds to go supernova which means that I (6.5) get functional immortality for at least a couple of billion years which is more than long enough to do some interesting shit and probably get tired of being alive and then die in the coolest fireworks display the planet will ever see. points taken away tho (2.5) for not specifying that, like, if I’m surviving until then it’s in a fine preserved manner rather than a fate-worse-than-death manner (rotting like a zombie, frozen in time unable to move but watching everything happen around me, etc).

general points for no matter what happens it’ll be REALLY FUCKING COOL to watch, general points taken away for the lack of control and real range of how shitty the possible outcome might be and that I still die in every scenario here no matter what.

3. ‘In a lich-creation ceremony that turns me into an undead immortal lich’ 6.8-8.2/10

Nice, simple, to the point. Points for: surviving the encounter, it being very difficult for the magic to misinterpret it. Points range for: depending on the rules governing liches in this magical world, it might not actually be that fun to be a lich. Points taken away for: if liches are an established element of this world, they probably know how to kill them, so I’m not out of hot water yet. And also there might be elements of lichhood that are not a completely optimal existence that obviously I would experiment to improve over the course of my new immortality but who knows how easy that would be to do.

4. ‘In a super-special custom lich-creation ceremony powered by my soul and my death that will create a whirlpool of necrotic energy gathering up the life force and magic of everything in its path to power the creation of an indestructible magical object that houses a magical projection of my consciousness that contains continuity of consciousness, memory, personality, the ability to grow and change, allows it to project itself outside of its container as a simulacrum to affect the world, and the ability to gather magic around itself and use said magic, that can sustain itself through any form of energy manipulation either with respect to mundane or magical thermodynamics-slash-entropy-theory, and--’ 10/10

This is the supervillain origin story shit that I’m talking about. Survive the encounter? check. Using a word that the magic recognizes so you have a base for what you’re turned into but customizing for what you actually want? check. Revenge on everyone? check. Easy ability to murder everyone who knows what happened so that it’s that much harder to hunt you down and kill you? check. Avoiding the potential of there being a built-in rule about no directly stating that your death will kill other people here too? check, I never state the whirlpool of magic kills everyone I just make it I can use it to kill them after and tie up all the loose ends to further my own power growth immediately. Ability to watch the sun go supernova? also check; I’m an immortal magical lich now babey I 1000% will use the several billion years that I have to develop our planet’s magical spaceprogram, colonize some other exoplanets, set up a galactic civilization, and then when our sun is dying yeet it into another star so that I get to enjoy the cool fireworks show.

5. ‘By giving up my mortal form and ascending to godhood, bitches’ 115/10

I’m torn bc on the one hand 3-4 are basically just doing this in a more and more specific manner, but on the other hand, oh my god the STYLE, the SNAPPINESS, -100pts for being So Much More Likely To Kill Me but +216 for Okay But Imagine If If It Doesn’t It’s Way Less Stupidly Nerdy Than Very Carefully Describing My Brand New Phylactery As I Try To Come Up With All Of My Ideal Circumstances Of Lichhood

like. I’d probably go for 4. bc I’m careful and want to survive this thing. but I think in my supervillain origin story I will tell everyone that I said 5. better to not give away my weaknesses that way too.

6. ‘By teleporting me 1ft to the left in a completely standard teleportation, retroactively establishing that teleportation in this setting does not in fact move you but actually kills you via disassembling your atoms and creates a perfect copy of you with continuity of consciousness where you ‘appear’’ 7.5/10

Points for: I basically survive the at least implementation of the spell, and I enact abso-fucking-lutely hilarious revenge on everyone but especially all the wizards who have ever teleported by establishing the Existential Beam Me Up Crisis as canon, and probably cause immense socioeconomic damage as suddenly teleportation can no longer be used for people as a quick means of transportation and there are probably a lot of stuffy rich people who will no longer want it used on their goods. Points off for: I am 1 ft to the left and there are soldiers with swords here, while I will get to see the looks on everyone’s faces as this sinks in I will probably still be stabbed and die.

7. ‘By teleporting me to an unknown untrackable safe friendly location outside of the country in a completely standard teleportation, retroactively establishing that teleportation in this setting does not in fact move you but actually kills you via disassembling your atoms and creates a perfect copy of you with continuity of consciousness where you ‘appear’’ 9.5/10

Points for doing everything 6 does while actually saving my life. Points off for not getting to see their faces. Also points off for not giving me free immortal lichhood from it, but not too many points off as I am now free to research and do a lichhood ceremony myself without worrying about a death curse misinterpreting what I want.

bonus: my mutual-slash-housemate’s answer: ‘in the same time, place, and manner that you do’ 6.3/10

sorry it’s good and snappy and points for: combination of either revenge or actually surviving the thing at least for a while, and sheer delivery impact, but points off for not turning a death curse into immortality, zero destruction of planets or stars involved, zero rewriting of the rules of magic, possible body count for your revenge is only one other person, forces you to encounter this person again and die with them which really is something quite intimate for a random imperial sorcerer that you ought to hate the guts of, potentially traps you into an enemy-to-lovers fanfic in which rip now this sorcerer insists on keeping you alive so that they can achieve immortality but that might just be unpleasant locking you in a pocket dimension and not fun tragic star-crossed lovers narrative that you deserve out of it but will lock you in tragic star-crossed lovers narrative otherwise, gives you zero control over time, place, and painfulness of death, and all in all not nearly as flashy or evil as it could have been. and did I mention no immortal lichhood. like come on, if you’re not getting immortal lichhood out of this what are you even doing it for.

#long post #writing #I guess #sorry this was just living rent-free in my head and I needed to vent #I'm pretty sure that in this scenario I am a mad wizard scientist who is being sentenced to death either for my research #into blowing up the sun or into immortal lichhood necromancy

[majorbaby]

You might have talked about this before, and I love Hawk crying as much as anyone, but do you think the baby death was… maybe not fridging, but it always bugged me that they never showed the mother again and focused on his grief

oof, i have a lot of angst over what i perceive to be rampant misuse of the term 'fridging' because i come from marvel and dc comics fandoms and so does that word, which at one time had a very specific meaning, which i think you know because of how you wrote your ask.

actually when i first joined MASH fandom i saw a few people allege the 'fridging' of peg hunnicutt by beejhawk stans was a thing and i want to just go on record and say that i really strongly reject that assessment of beejhawk fanfiction in general. this only increased my fridging angst.

there can be genuine parallels between 'fridging' - the act of violently harming or killing a female character for the purpose of advancing a plot centered on a man (or, imo, giving a male character far more agency with which to react to some act of violence against a woman character than the woman herself is afforded) - and acts of violence against other equity-seeking groups (racialized people/BIPOC, neurodivergent people, disabled people, lgbtq+ people).

i would say for example that there are some similarities between the 'fridging' trope and 'the black guy dies first' - the similarities are that (1) some act of violence (violence being the operative word) has taken place (2) the victim or survivor is afforded no agency within the narrative to address what has happened to them and (3) this event is the catalyst for further developments in the narrative which heavily feature a white man and his reaction to the violent act.

so in GFA we have:

A violent act against an unnamed Korean baby

The baby cannot be 'impacted' by its own death (not an absolute statement on fiction in general, see: The Lovely Bones) - the person closest to the baby (the mother) exists only to smother her child and appear in Hawkeye's flashback

We open on Hawkeye in the sanitarium, he's there because the baby died, he only leaves once it's revealed that the baby died, and we see how this event affects him throughout the rest of the episode

So yeah, I'd say it's a fair comparison to make. Actually you could argue that the violent act does happen to the woman, because she's smothered her child to death, she did so at the behest of an American who should not be in Korea, who did that because Americans shouldn't have been in Korea.

I actually did vent about this somewhat on GFA day (though not in any kind of detail) because I saw a couple of dead baby memes on the dash and that made me very uncomfortable. Not because I don't think it's possible to joke or meme about serious subject matter, but because it further decontextualizes the pain and suffering of the Korean people in the Korean war, on top of how GFA (and MASH) already did that.

(I have a longer post in the drafts about multiple degrees of decontextualization and GFA and MASH in general specifically prompted by "chicken-baby" memes but I have no idea when I'll publish it or if it will end up being a text post at all)

i don't really have a solution to offer tho, because i do think it makes sense that the death of a child is the thing that finally breaks Hawkeye, who is otherwise shown to be quite resilient. He survives the death of Tommy on his table in Sometimes You Hear the Bullet, he processes a deep-seated childhood trauma in Bless you Hawkeye, and by GFA in general we can say he's got have grown somewhat used to the constant assault on his senses.

I guess that's why I'm so irked by the 'further decontextualization' bit. Fridge me once, shame on you, fridge me again and again and again and again... and that's continued to happen to women, racialized characters in the larger media landscape, while these events are memed and real-life violence against women is so deeply ingrained in our culture.

It's the larger context of where this stuff happens that bothers me I guess. The Korean character most often referred to by the fandom is a dead baby, and usually as an (unfunny!) punchline, rather than a legitimately harrowing memory that probably haunts Hawkeye for the rest of his life.

#child death #mash #re: mash #race on mash #goodbye farewell and amen #fridging #maybe i need to revisit my unpublished fridging essay... #thank you for this very interesting ask btw

[pizza-games-and-more]

Pizza Tower: The Series Episode Concept

Title: "You Cruise You Lose"

Season: 4

Summary: The cast go on a cruise vacation! Most of the cast have mixed feelings on this, but it was a free vacation offer so they figured why not. Enjoy the cast getting into the crazy situations only a cruise can provide, with plenty of cameo appearances from other Pizza Tower OCs and AUs!

Notes: Thanks to some encouragement I was inspired to post this! Thank you so much for not finding this Author Appeal idea too cringeworthy!

As everyone boards the ship, Vigi is notably nervous but decies to go along anyway because he wants to attempt to conquer his aquaphobia. (spoiler: he makes a comically small smidgen of progress)

After everyone heads on the ship and finds their rooms, the fun begins. The Noisecouple immediatey head to the pool and proceed to splash and bother everyone.

Peppino decides to hit up the mini-golf course, having developed a taste for the sport thanks to a certain Greaseball. Mr. Stick and Fake Peppino follow despite knowing nothing about golf, mini or otherwise.

Vigi heads to the side of the ship, trying to safely expose himself to the ocean to build up a tolerance to it. That backfires when Pepperman almost accidentally knocks him off the edge and Maria has to grab him just in time.

As Maria and Pepperman are arguing (they're basically Vitriolic Best Buds at this point lmao), Clove leads Vigi into a nice cafe and library area to calm him down as he himself took shelter in there from the more crowded areas. The two have a bit of a wholesome bonding moment as a result.

Gustavo and a comically disguised Brick (no pets allowed) hit up the arcade and end up winning so many prizes they struggle to take them back to their room.

The gang meet up for dinner at the buffet. Peppino surprisingly shugs off the low-quality buffet pizza, since it's oddly part of the charm of the vacation experience. Plus he had worst things to worry about, namely losing at mini-golf to beginners.

Maria coerces Pepperman into apologising to Vigi, who accepts his apology while discussing the books he'd just read with Clove. This piques Maria's curiosity and they tell her about the library cafe.

The next day, Clove, Maria and Vigi have ended up forming a book club at the library cafe. However, they quickly find out that Maria is... very opinionated when it comes to literary depictions of secret agent work, much to Clove and Vigi's comical horror.

Peppino and Noisette decide to try out the water slide. While Noisette ends up going down normally (albeit in a very silly fashion), Peppino... kind of overdoes it and ends up sent flying off the boat and needs to rush back to climb to the top.

The Noise and Pepperman head to a comedy show and proceed to ruin it with their heckling. Which prompts them to get kicked out of the theater.

And Gustavo and Brick head to the casino and end up winning a LOT of money at the slots. How the hell these two get so lucky is anyone's guess, but they celebrate by treating everyone to lunch on the shore trip soon after.

Too bad everyone else is too exhausted from everything that happened that day (except Noisette) and Mr. Stick has Fake Peppino stuck to him from when he tried to go swimming in the pool.

Once all that is over, they head back to the boat and things go relatively normally.

The next day as the ship heads back, it starts storming.

Everyone is cooped up inside while the storm goes on. Most are annoyed. Vigi is terrified. But then Pepperman of all people saves the day by suggesting to head to the indoor sports hall for a game of basketball.

They end up having so much chaotic fun doing so that they almost miss the fact that the storm cleared up and the ship just got back home.

A surprisingly wholesome end to a chaotic episode. Sorry if it turned out bad I just really wanted to write it.

#pizza tower #concept: pizza tower the series #character: too many to list #side note if you want to draw fanart of this episode to include your ocs feel free to do so

[i-am-still-bb]

In the interest of “breaking the stigma” I think I’m just going to name what I’m dealing with outright, because if my husband had had complications from his gallbladder removal in January I would not have hesitated to share that. And I really believe that mental illness should be treated no differently.

(check tags before you click “keep reading”)

On the Monday after Easter (April 10, 2023) my husband told me that his aunt and uncle (S & D) were coming over to take him to the hospital. I asked why and I assumed it had soemthing to do with the emergency gallbladder removal surgery that he had at the very end of January. He told me that he had been thinking about killing himself. And that he has thought about it off and on for years. I learned no more in that moment because S and D arrived to take him to the E.R. He was admitted to a Crisis Stabilization Unit (CSU) that night. It was voluntary, but underthreat of the pink slip (sectioned / involuntarily committed). 

I felt like someone hit me over the head with a 2x4. I knew that something was wrong, because he’d been acting really weird since I arrived home from Sacramento (April 2) and he had been acting weird for a while. I had expressed my desire for him to stop taking the Adderall that he had started taking in early February because that was really the only thing I could see that had changed in recent months. (Doctors have since told him to stop taking it.)

On Tuesday I found his journal and found out that he had intended to attempt suicide on Easter if he could get out of coming to a family event with my son and I. Why Easter Sunday? Because of that family thing. Some of my family lives 2.5hrs away, so my husband would have a guaranteed 8hr window at least. And if that failed (which it did) he intended to try on Wednesday April 12th in the 1hr window from when I leave for work at 10:30 and when he has to pick up our son from school at 11:30.

The rest of that journal was basically a log starting on the previous Wednesday (April 5) (actually the same day that he had a therapy appointment) of all the things that were wrong in our relationship. How he views it as a failure. That he thinks there is nothing left to salvage. And more. That document is thousands of words long. I skimmed because I could not stand to read it. 

He did reveal these thoughts and plans (only the Wednesday one) to S and D on Saturday April 8th. On Monday the 10th he messaged S something that alarmed her and prompted the immediate trip to the E.R.

While he was in the CSU he was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), and Bipolar 2. That last one is pending because if Bipolar is diagnosed in an inpatient, emergency setting it should be confirmed in an outpatient setting once the patient is more stable. That appointment is early next week. I guess fingers crossed, but not crossed?

MDD - duh, given the suicidality

CPTSD - I had suspected this for a while

Bipolar 2 - I was not expecting that, I know too much about bipolar to be really optimistic. 50% of bipolar individuals attempt suicide at least once. 40% have a mixed episode meaning that they can have the suicidality of the depression and the focus and drive of the mania making them more likely to plan and attempt to carry out their plan. Their risk of suicide is 30x higher than those with no mental illness. Their life expectancy is 10yrs shorter than the rest of the population. 83% of diagnosed cases are classified as severe. And its unpredictable. You can be stable on meds for years, decades, and then suddnetly you’re not. 

He was released late Monday on April 17th. And he returned to work. Before he was admitted to the hospital he did inform his manager that he was being admitted to the hospital and I communicated with HR while he was in the CSU giving them updates that consisted of that he was feeling better, antsy to get back to work, but still in the hospital. He returned to work on Tuesday the 18th. At end of business on Friday (April 21) they fired him. And given his glowing performance reviews, the amount of money that he had been making the company, the only real reason has to be the hospital stay. (On that note it looks like they’re contesting the unemployment claim.) 

This set him spiralling. He was planning suicide again. And didn’t tell me. Again. I was told that he was an 8/10 (0 being no suicidality or feelings and 10 being that an attempt was imminent) and I tried to help get that number down, but it went up to a 10. On Saturday he was still at a 10. D and I wanted my husband to call a crisis line. D reached out the the CSU and they contacted us. CSU asked my husband if he could come in for an evaluation. My husband agreed (he later told me that if he had been at a 10 in that moment he would not have agreed). D and I thought they would just talk to him, remind him of coping skills, etc. They decided to keep him for 23hrs. D and I were shocked. When they went to admit him the oncall doctor decided that my husband needed a higher level facility (severe suicidal thoughts is what they put down, and my husband disagrees with that, but can’t tell me what he wanted them to put). So the CSU sent my husband to the ER to be evaluated and later transported to a local hospital that has a lockdown wing. Once again it was “voluntary” under threat of the pink slip. He arrived at the lockdown unit Sunday morning. Everyone being admitted is subject to a 72hr hold and at many places weekends and holidays don’t count toward that. They did release him Tuesday morning (so only 36hrs into the 72hr hold). So he’s home again.

And he has barely spoken to me. 

I visited him in the lockdown unit on Monday. And it did not go well. He tried to tell me what to tell the nurse practitioner so they would let him out. I don’t toe anyone’s party line. And I did not respond well, but I tried to. I really tried to remain calm, and explain myself. But he decided that because I wasn’t just rolling over and saying “yes, master, whatever you want” that I didn’t believe him and that I was against him even though I repeated stated that I heard and understood him, and repeated his words back to him. No one is against him. They’re against the illness. I now know that some of this could be part of psychosis, a common symptom of Bipolar and would explain some of the other things like him believing that everything he is doing is wrong and bad. But that could also be the Depression. There is so much overlap between these things, which obviously makes it hard to diagnosis. ADHD, bipolar, CPTSD, and schizophrenia all overlap. But they each have a few things that makes them stand out from the other. but they may overlap as much as 75+%

So that visit did not go well. We pretty much sat in silence for the last 20m of the 45m I was there. And that silence has effectively continued ever since.

He went to group therapy yesterday and then went to S and D’s house without telling me, which, given the present circumstances raised my anxiety levels. Which I already have plenty of. If there’s a negative feeling or emotion I’ve probably experienced it in these past 2.5 weeks (except shame). 2.5 weeks that have aged me years. 2.5 weeks that feel like a lifetime. I’ve screamed, I’ve wailed, I’ve been numb, I’ve cried more tears than I can count, I’ve nearly puked from the emotions. 

And we still haven’t really talked.

And I can’t share anything I’m thinking or feeling with him because as of now the only triggers that he has identified for his suicidality are spilling food/drink, breaking dishes, upsetting me, me crying, or him feeling rejected (by me or by anyone else). Let it be known that I’ve made it very clear over the past decade that I don’t care if something gets broken or spilled. I want to know about it so I can replace the item, and I want the ensuing mess to be cleaned up. 

And as for me rejecting him. I didn’t get him lunch on Saturday because I assumed that he was still asleep. He was still in bed. He looked asleep. And I only got lunch for my toddler, not even myself. But in his mind he twisted that into proof that I don’t care about him or love him. He wrote that in the journal. He wouldn’t tell me that directly because I would get upset. He wrote more in the journal. And it’s pretty much all about me.

I trigger his suicidality. 

I KNOW that it’s the disease talking. But it really binds my hands. I can’t do shit without him taking it the wrong way. If I’m not making eye contact, because I’m trying to create a more comfortable space for him to be in while he talks, it means that I can’t bear to look at him, etc. 

And I know that I have my own things. I grew up with a highly neglectful and emotionally/financially abusive father, took up a lot of responsibility at a young age, had two relationships that had mild to significant levels of coercion when it came to sexual contact. Since our son was born in summer ‘21 I’ve had a lot more problems with anger and resentment. To be honest I probably fall somewhere on the mild end of the spectrum. And I’ve been so burnt out. And each time I expressed a need for my husband to even do basic tasks like putting his socks in the laundry, not letting food spoil on his desk, cleaning his bathroom (there are 3 bathrooms, I hate cleaning bathrooms, I am only cleaning 2), he feels like an absolute failure and wants to die. Forget about asking for help with our child when I’m massively overwhelmed and need a break. 

I am looking for a therapist of my own. 

And we were supposed to start couples counseling this week, but it was Tuesday morning and he wasn’t released in time to make it to the appointment, so it starts late next week. But I feel like most of our problems stem from the Depression. Him taking my face/words/actions the wrong way, his inability to do basic tasks (this is not new, he has been like this at least since August 2014), are all probably linked to the diagnoses. And I’m sure there are things about me that he wishes I wouldn’t do or would do. And I have asked that question explicitly several times. And I don’t get an answer. Because he doesn’t want to upset me. 

Leading up to this event I was asking him what was wrong. But the same thing happened that always happens. He just shut down and stared at me. And I would keep asking and trying to engage in different ways. And then I would lose my shit and yell. And then he would tell me something. And then we’d talk about it; and it was usually something ridiculously minor that he had blown out of proportion. And now I think he was in a suicidal place each of those times and he just threw me a bone to make me shut up. And now I don’t feel like I can trust him. But that’s something to be addressed in couple’s counseling that isn’t linked to mental illness. But he will probably see my mistrust as just another way that he has failed me, another reason why I would better if he weren’t here, so I don’t even think I can share most of this stuff in couple’s therapy because it’s all just going to trigger him. Maybe if we reach a point of stasis? But then I won’t want to talk about it for fear of triggering another depressive episode to begin. 

But to him (I think) I’m somehow I’m just supposed to be who I was on Monday the 10th while I was at work teaching my students about the Impressionists, who I was when I went to the gym after work, who I was blasting music in the car on my way home with the windows down and the sunroof open, who I was in the shower and getting dressed and thinking about what I was going to do with the rest of my Monday, who I was before an atom bomb was dropped in the middle of my life. 

And I’m not.

And I will never be again. 

I’ll be similar, but I’ll never be the same. 

And that upsets me. I have negative feelings about that too. Grief for who I was, grief for what I thought my future was going to be like.

And a grief for what the past was. Because I want to go back to before, but there really isn’t a before. He’s been dealing with this for most if not all of our relationship (we tarted dating in early 2012). And now when memory photos pop up on my phone I can’t help but wonder what he was really feeling, where his mind was. We went on a camping trip late last summer and those photos have been popping up. In each one where my husband isn’t standing or walking somewhere he’s slumped with his head down. And I feel like I can’t have good memories of that trip, because it really looks like he was in the middle of a Depressive phase. Or I can have the memories, but they are now tainted with knowledge that I did not have at the time. 

--

I am trying to take proactive steps. I’m looking for my own therapist to help me deal with this trauma that is likely to be ongoing, but also the anger and stuff. I also have a small worry that what is going to probably going to prove to be a repeated trauma is going to trigger something in me because my dad and his biological mother probably have/had undiagnosed mental illnesses.

I’m reading books about suicidality so I learn about it, but also so I can learn what I can do to help and support.

I have books about bipolar and CPTSD that are on my list. 

I agreed with no hesitation to the couples counseling. (I actually thought my husband would be the most resistent to this given his opinions on mental illnesses or having problems that require therapy/counseling meaning that you are broken, but I guess that may have changed and that is a good change.)

I’m taking a seminar with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

My husband and I have a meeting with a NAMI coordinator on Friday (he hasn’t yet told me if he’s going or responded to my calendar invite). 

I’m considering going to some of their support groups for friends and family if I can make it work with childcare.

I’ve gone to church more in the past 2.5 weeks than I have in the last decade. I’ve been thinking more about mindfulness and trying to let go of desire because the desire is causing suffering. Religon has returned for me, I guess. 

But I’m pretty helpless in this situation. And I’m trying to accept that if he wants to he will find a way to end his life no matter what I say or do. And if he does attempt and complete, its not my fault even if it feels that way. 

--

EDITTED TO ADD: And now that I have legitimate reasons to be worried about his safety he keeps turning his location sharing off. We share our locations with each other. And it really only gets used to see “are you still at X? if so I have a question / request, but if you’re not there anymore, its no big deal” or “are you on your way home with dinner?” It was on earlier today when I used it for the first reason. He’s in the neighboring city visiting his grandma. Our rat needs something from the vet, but I don’t want my husband to be agitated if I ask for him to stop by the vet and he was already on his way home. I can probably call them tomorrow and pick it up on Saturday morning, but if he’s 5m away now it would make sense to do it now rather than me driving 30m there and back on Saturday morning.

(Location sharing is also what kept me from calling the police and ERs on April 8th when he was at D and S’s house. He left for a martial art around 11, told me he was eating with a friend around 1:30-2. And then wasn’t home until after midnight. I started to get worried when it was after 4 and he wasn’t home. But I saw that he was at D and S’s house so I wasn’t particularly worried.)

So I check his location. He’s still at his grandmother’s. I send the text. It’s short enough that the preview would probably show him the whole thing, so no big deal if it’s not “read.” I check a bit later to see if he’s “read” the message or responded. Nope. He’s been gone for 3hrs now and I check to see if he’s on his way home. So I know whether or not to add the perscription only rat food stuff to my to do list. And his location is turned off. WTF.

So he saw my message. Didn’t respond. And turned location sharing off. Thanks. That makes me feel great. Does he want me to be upset? Does he want me to bring this up? I’m not going to because I don’t want agitate him or myself. I’m getting so tired of the passive aggression. Just tell me your pissed. 

#personal #mental illness #depression #mdd #cptsd #bipolar #bipolar 2 #suicide #suicidal ideation #anger #long post #psychosis

[justmenoworries]

The Malware Rewrite Part 2: Present and Overall Arc

Heads up: This is part 2 of the Rewrite project.

If you haven’t yet, read Part 1, ‘cause a bunch of things in here will not make sense if you go in blind.

If you have, welcome back!

As you probably guessed by the title, this part will focus on Malware’s appearances in the presence, meaning the flashbacks that take place after “Trouble Helix” and OVs present, how I would change them to improve his story and his character arc in general. Part 3 will be focusing on the end of said arc and his redemption.

Alright, on with the Rewrite!

Of Predators And Prey:

Let me take this opportunity to mention something I forgot about in part 1. The ending of “Trouble Helix” would still be Khyber extracting the data he needs, but it’s not entirely clear which time period he got it in.

To clear up any confusion: In the Rewrite, Khyber gets his info on Ben’s powers and Malware’s whereabouts shortly after “Trouble Helix”, maybe about a few months later or so.

So Malware being back on Ben’s ass in “The More Things Change, Part 1″ would not be anachronistic. (No, I totally did not register this little writing fumble of mine only after I posted part 1 of the Rewrite, what are you talking about, haha ^^’‘)

Malware’s appearance in “Of Predators and Prey, Part 1″ Is kind of perfect as it is, but in order to fit in with the Rewrite’s story, I’ll have to tweak it juuust a little bit.

So Malware returns to Dr. Psychobos’ lair after his fight with Ben in “The More Things Change, Part 1″, having successfully obtained Omnitirx-software.

The thing that would be most changed in this version of events would be the dialogue and one scene in particular.

So in the original, when Malware shows him the software, Psychobos, after being a dick about Malware’s condition messing it up a bit, asks him how he managed to get it in the first place, then shows disbelief when Malware tells him he got it from battling Ben 10. To which Malware retaliates by grabbing and throwing him.

In the rewrite, the conversation is instead more about Psychobos’ and Malware’s current arrangement and how it came to be.

Psychobos: “Hmm. Crude, corrupted, incomplete. But still, a suitable partial blueprint. So breaking you out of that little private prison Azmuth built for you wasn’t a c-c-complete waste of resources after all. Though your defective state might prove to make this task challenging.”

Malware: *grabs Psychobos and lifts him up* “Your opinion of me is not my concern, Cerebocrustacean. Can that massive, pink blob you call a brain built an Omnitrix from this?”

Psychobos: *uses his electric powers to shock Malware, prompting him to yelp and let go* Sir, and I use the term loosely, I would suggest you keep your hands to yourself, if you know what’s good for you. As for your question, constructing a level 20 tech-device will be no more difficult for me, than it would be for a baby G-G-Galvan to soil it’s undergarments.”

This change in conversation establishes a few things from the get-go:

It was Psychobos, probably with help from Khyber, that broke Malware out of his imprisonment.

Malware may work with Psychobos, but only out of necessity. He doesn’t like him one bit.

Psychobos sees Malware not as an equal partner, but as a pawn and looks down on him for his incomplete state. Yet he also seems to have plans for him. Why else would he go to the risk of breaking him out of a high-security facility?

Psychobos is not a pushover. He’s able (and willing) to use force, in order to keep his associates in check.

Malware’s appearance in “Of Predators and Prey: Part 2″ stays unchanged, since literally all him and Psychobos do in that episode is picking up Khyber and roasting him about getting his ass beat by Ben and Rook.

Though I think it would be Psychobos who tells Khyber that “for his sake” it would be better to do the job right next time, since I wanna make Psychobos into a more threatening villain in this Rewrite.

Outbreak:

As with “Of Predators and Prey” before, I would make only minimal changes to Malware’s  apearances in the episode.

The beginning stays the same, but with a few tweaks. Khyber is still struggling to get control of Zed after her Nemetrix malfunctions and Malware complains to Psychobos how the Nemetrix is very obviously not working.

But while Psychobos complains, Malware notices that Khyber is breaking out a whip-like device, obviously to get Zed under control. Before he can use it, Malware steps in and uses his strength and size to subdue Zed peacefully. He also gives her a few barely noticeable pets after she calms down.

This scene is to show that Malware is capable of empathy and also foreshadows another change to his backstory I want to make in ths Rewrite, but that I won’t spoil here. Basically, Rewrite!Malware has a soft spot for Zed in that moment because she, like him, is suffering from the incompetence of the person who was supposed to take care of her.

Psychobos gives his spiel about how they need the Omnitrix’ core to complete the Nemetrix, which is going to be a tad tricky because, as Malware remarks, Ben has the Omnitrix and he’s currently in the very well guarded Plumber Headquarters. Khyber immediately volunteers to get it, but Malware counters that Khyber’s obsession with making Ben a hunting trophy will just cause him to mess up again and that Ben is inconsequential to their actual goal. Khyber argues again and while doing so uses the weird laser-device he had in that episode to incarcerate Zed, which obviously causes her pain.

Cue Malware aiming hs Tachyon-gun arm at Khyber and threatening to un-alive him if he can’t control “his mutt”. However, with the added scene from before, this remark and action hold a bit more weight, since Malware isn’t just being a murderous asshole here like in the original episode, he’s relating to and defending someone he relates with from her abuser.

Psychobos jumps in, electrocutes both Malware and Khyber and then skittles off to get the Omnitrix core himself.

Malware would show back up together with Khyber when Psychobos returns with the core and repairs the Nemetrix, stabilizing Zed. Instead of Malware it’s Khyber who starts to bitch about how things were done. Because Psychobos went to Plumber HQ, Khyber didn’t get his chance at a rematch (rehunt?). Psychobos tells him that Ben isn’t important to their plans while Malware is patting Zed in the background who is obviously ejoying it.

Smash cut to black as Psychobos does a hammy evil laugh.

Malefactor

So here’s where I’ll make one of the biggest changes. Because “Malefactor” isn’t going to just be a part flashback-episode anymore. It’s going to be a Malware-centric flashback-episode. One half will be the flashbacks, the other will be the regular episode. Because let’s be real, the Mt. Rushmoore flashback was superfluous as heck and really only served to explain where Malware got his gun-arm. We can just do a slight retcon and still fit that little detail in.

We start right off with a flashback, this time with Malware still in the secure facility Azmuth put him in to ignore him some more to keep him safe so he could work on his cure. Malware is sitting in his cell, not really doing anything. He hears some steps and looks up.

Malware: “I figured it would be you. Haven’t you gotten tired of trying to ‘redeem’ me by now?”

???: “Nope! Besides, without me who’d interrupt your regularly scheduled brooding?”

The person steps into the light and reveals herself to be....Eunice, smiling.

Now the Ben and Rook parts of the episodes would remain unchanged, with Ben fighting Zed and Rook fighting Khyber. Aside from the episode’s ending, there won’t be too many changes here, so let’s focus on the flashback parts first and foremost.

The flashbacks delve more into Malware’s time in imprisonment after the events of “Trouble Helix”, how he met Eunice and how she kinda had a hand in his mental state improving. Until Khyber broke him out, that is.

Eunice is revealed to have been moved to the facility after completing her last mission for Azmuth and because Azmuth is a shitty father who doesn’t know how to communicate with his offspring outside of a professional enviroment, he just shunted her off to do a job very few people wanted until he had another mission for her.

So Eunice plays the part of Malware’s warden in-between missions. Unlike all his other wardens though, she isn’t afraid of him. She’s friendly and open, talking to him without a hint of scorn and treating his disablity not as something that makes him a horrifying monster, but simply a part of him.

Surprisingly the two get along quite well. Malware is still a bit distrustful of her, but he still talks to her more readily than he does to everybody else. They bond over both being anomalies and beings Azmuth has dismissed as “mistakes”, with Eunice even telling Malware about how Azmuth wanted to throw her into storage after she emerged before being convinced otherwise by Ben. This would lead to an exchange a little bit like this.

Malware: “And despite this, you continue to be in Azmuth’s service?”

Eunice: (shrugs and smiles) “It’s not that bad. At least running errands for him means I don’t get to see him that much.”

Malware: (huffs) “Then I suppose I should be grateful for my imprisonment as well. He has not bothered to show up here at all ever since he had me put in this cell.”

Eunice: (looks at him sadly) “Malware, I know you’re angry at him. And you have every right to be. But believe me when I say, he is trying to find a cure. It just-”

Malware: “Takes time?”

Eunice: ...

Malware: “I have heard that many times before.”

Of course Eunice still works for Azmuth, so she isn’t there all the time and has to leave quite often to do whatever errand runs or other jobs he assigns her.

And let’s just say the time in-between Eunice’s shifts isn’t all rainbows and sunshine for Malware. His talks with Eunice have become the few bright spots he has in his existence, though he would never admit to it. All of his other wardens don’t exactly treat him like a person, more like a caged beast. And a big reason for that is that everyone knows about his attack on Galvan Prime and his taking the First Thinker’s assistant hostage.

That being said, they don’t exactly treat Eunice right either. To the Galvans she is little more than Azmuth’s intelligent robot that he sends out to do his dirty work now and again and while they respect her abilities, they don’t really respect her personhood.

It’s yet another thing Malware and Eunice bond over, which would have another dialogue in the vein of Malware questioning how Eunice turned out so different from him. Azmuth treated her like trash, still does and while the other Galvans aren’t nearly as bad, their behavior toward her leaves much to be desired.

Eunice would respond that it does bother her how she’s treated and that she would be lying if she said she feels no resentment at all toward Azmuth, but that she has decided long ago not to let others determine who she is. She isn’t a tool or a thing, she is Eunice. She knows this and so do those who really matter. Besides, she would add with a little smile, back when she emerged she had someone who showed her kindness when she was scared and insecure and who helped her assert her identity and stand up for herself. This showed her that the galaxy isn’t just filled with jerks like Azmuth who would dismiss her for being who she is. Just because others think you’re unnatural or a monster doesn’t mean you are. You still decide on who you are at the end of the day through your actions. Malware grows silent at this and seems to honesty think it over.

The last part of the flashback would take place at a point in time where Eunice was absent from Malware’s prison due to another mission she had to do for Azmuth. Malware is already a little down in the dumps because of this and it doesn’t help that the other wardens are being their usual “pleasant” selves toward him. And of course, this is when Khyber stages his assault on the prison to free Malware.

Khyber pretty much curbstomps the security together with Zed and walks over to Malware’s cell, who was kinda just forced to watch all this happen without being able to do anything.

Malware: “Who are you?”

Khyber: “Your ticket out of here.”

He disables the lock and the force field keeping Malware in his cell dissipates. Malware is hesitant because 1. he doesn’t know this guy and he has pretty severe trust issues already 2. maybe part of him is still hoping that Azmuth will find a cure like he promised and running away might throw a wrench in that.

And then comes the security back-up and what would they carry with them but the big, scary Tachyon cannon. It was originally meant to be strictly a back-up weapon, to be used only if Malware really went off the deep end and started actively attacking or even killing people.

But because the Galvan wardens see Malware as an out of control monster first and a person second, they bring it along - and actually shoot him in the ensuing scuffle. Now what happened in the original Mt. Rushmoore scene happens here: Malware reassembles and is now royally pissed. He grabs the Tachyon cannon from the security squad holding it, absorbs it and makes it part of himself, resulting in his second mutated form.

Malware then lowers his gun at the Galvans who now suddenly try to appeal to his better nature, explaning that the Tachyon cannon will do severe damage if he fires it at them. Malware gives his chilling “A bonus” - remark, only now you can kind of understand where this cold-bloodedness is coming from. Those are the jerks who have treated him as less than an animal and were fully prepared to shoot him dead then and there. Now that he has a modicum of power over what are basically his abusers, of course Malware’s not in a merciful mood.

But just then, who should appear but Eunice, finally back from her latest mission and immediately rushed over when she heard the holding facility was apparently under attack. So she runs into the room, sees Malware aiming the cannon at the scared Galvan guards and Khyber and Zed standing next to him, Khyber looking pretty amused about the whole thing.

Eunice calls out to Malware in the hopes she can talk him down and prevent the situation from escalating. She half-succeeds. Seeing her does calm Malware down enough to refrain from blasting the Galvans, probably remembering what she said about not letting the world turn him into a monster. But there’s still no way he’s gonna let himself be locked up again after all this is over. So instead he thinks fast and fires into the ceiling, causing parts of the building to collapse. In the ensuing chaos, Khyber, Zed and Malware manage to get away and onto Khyber’s ship, which then manages to fly away from Galvan B unhindered.

After they’re in the clear, Malware demands to know why the heck he was just freed by a total stranger and Khyber would merely make some quips about how Malware has a short fuse and then be a dick and say his temper’s probably due to his defective DNA after which Malware comes very close to beating him up. Khyber prevents a fight from breaking out by saying that he’s not the mastermind behind Malware’s break-out and that he has a feeling Malware and the mysterious client he works for will understand each other really well.

So they arrive at Psychobos’ base and Psychobos welcomes Malware, introduces himself and probably brags about his intellect. Malware tells him to get to the point and Psychobos explains that he’s been watching Azmuth’s affairs for some time now. Of course he caught wind of Malware, as well as the incident in “Trouble Helix”. And he decided to pick up where Azmuth evidently left off. In other words, he’s going to fix Malware. This results in this exchange.

Malware: “And what exactly do you gain from helping me?”

Psychobos: “Well, my friend, and I use the term extremely loosely, succeeding where that arrogant G-g-galvan has failed will prove once and for all that Cerebrocrustacean are the superior species in the g-g-galaxy.”

End of flashback.

Back in the present, things go just like they did in the canon episode up to a certain point. Ben realizes Khyber and Zed are just distracting Rook and him, calls Rook about it, Khyber tells Rook that he should probably check the Proto-TRUK and Rook passes on the information to Ben who immediately makes a mad dash for the TRUK while Khyber and Zed retreat.

Ben arrives at the truck and catches Malware accessing the TRUK’s computers. As in the original episode, Ben is shocked and horrified that Malware is still alive. Malware for his part isn’t exactly thrilled to see Ben and makes that clear though his body language and tone of voice, but he’s a bit less cruel about it than in canon.

For one, he isn’t being gleefully sadistic when he warns Ben not to follow him and just stay out of his business in general. He just...genuinely tells Ben to stay out of this, similarly to how he did in “Trouble Helix” when they first met.

He then runs off, leaving Ben to work thorugh all of that. Rook arrives and Ben tells him that Malware took something from the TRUK and that Rook should find out what it was while he goes to stop Malware, once and for all. To fit what I want to do with this rewrite, the way he says it would be a whole lot more sinister and less heroic will power-like. It’s clear that Ben has some sort of deeply personal grudge against Malware and that it makes him want to put Malware down, but in this case this wouldn’t be portrayed as a good thing, but rather a “hero gets lost in murderous rage”-thing.

Ben transforms into Humongosaur and chases after Malware. They have their banter where Malware is dismayed that Ben didn’t heed his warning about staying put and Ben jokes about how he was never good at following orders. They have a quick brawl and now is where I put another big change.

In the original episode, Malware distracts Ben by chucking a fuel truck at a bus full of kids, basically forcing Ben to choose between apprehending him and saving the children. Needless to say Malware being willing to potentially kill a bunch of children wouldn’t work with his being redeemed in this rewrite, so let’s change that up a bit.

Instead of the fuel-truck-school-bus-situation being a calculated action by Malware, now it’s an accident. During the fight either Malware or Ben/Humongosaur crash into the fuel truck, pushing it down the road and towards the just now arriving school bus. Ben and Malware notice this at the same time.

Ben/Humongosaur takes a quick look at Malware, growls in frustration, then makes off to save the school bus. There’s a tense moment where it looks like Ben/Humongosaur won’t be able to reach the fuel truck or the school bus in time. And then, all of a sudden, a car flies right past him barely missing him. Ben/Humongosaur dodges on instinct, but the car doesn’t hit him and it’s seemingly not even headed for him. Instead it hits the fuel truck, making it turn away from the bus and saving the children and the driver in the process.

Ben/Humongosaur runs up to the bus to ask if everyone is alright and the kids cheer in response. Ben/Humongosaur looks back where Malware was standing, only to find that the Mechamorph is gone. Ben/Humongosaur frowns.

Ben arrives back at the Proto-TRUK and him and Rook discuss what just happened. Rook can’t tell exactly what Malware took, only that parts of the memory core and some of the auxiliary power systems were destroyed. He asks who Malware is, since he can’t exactly call up his Plumber file right now.

In the original, Ben calls Malware a psychopath for obvious reasons, but with how we’re doing this rewrite, that wouldn’t make much sense anymore. Yes, Malware is still an antagonist and there is still bad blood between him and Ben, but with what Ben has observed today with Malware seemingly saving kids, he’s conflicted on what to think or feel.

So in this rewrite Ben instead says:

Ben: “Short answer, he’s a Galvanic Mechamorph with serious anger issues. Long answer?-”

They get interrupted by a kid and the episode ends like it did in canon with Ben getting trolled by his boyfriend partner again.

And there you have it!

Part 2 is complete. Now all that’s left is for us to finally wrap things up in Part 3.

Including Eunice in Malware’s story is honestly such a no-brainer, I’m surprised I didn’t think of it sooner. They’d have the best and most wholesome sibling-dynamic, no you can’t change my mind. And Malware having at least someone who genuinely cares about him was a nice thing to write. Eunice will play a very big part in Malware’s redemption in Part 3 and I really liked the idea of her idealism and positivity playing off of Malware’s jaded and bitter personality. They’re so similar yet so different and I’m convinced if they’d ever met in canon, they would have been friends.

Tell me what you think of Part 2 and stay tuned for Part 3!

#ben 10 omniverse #ben 10 malware #malware #series rewrite #ben 10 eunice