#but y'know what I can at least be proud of myself because I got one page of one essay written | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

perplexingluciddreams · 6 days

Text

I had a very good day today.

My support worker came to the house for the first time! It is my first time meeting her in person. Her name is Emily and she is lovely. (She also has very cool hair).

She was here from about 11am - 5pm. I got to take my time and take breaks to swing and rest and be alone. Emily, Mum and I had a chat in my room before lunch. I used my AAC and Mum helped me tell Emily things about myself. Communication is much easier with Mum there - I was a bit worried about getting stuck or having a shutdown and not able to cope with a Person there at all. But I did well, I think!

Then I had lunch and a break for swing and Grey's Anatomy. I was quite anxious in my body - tense, sweaty, a bit shaky. Even if I logically know that everything is fine, my body has an instinctive reaction as if I am in danger and not safe, every time there is a Person there in the house (usually this doesn't include parents or sister, because I am used to them living in the same house. But on some days it is absolutely everyone, no matter who). New People are especially hard.

It is also rather hot weather today (18°C!) so that threw me off sensory-wise. I had to take more time to regulate.

In the afternoon I decided to be very brave and play a card game with Mum and Emily. We did three rounds of blackjack. It was a lot of fun! We each won one game. I was still a bit tense, but I was also very proud that I did so well.

I really like my new support worker and I am happy and proud and relieved that today went so well. I finished off the positive streak with listening to Martin Fröst (legendary Swedish clarinettist) play Brahms and Mozart while in my swing.

Wednesday will be my day with Emily from now on. I am really hopeful that this can help me learn to be less scared and anxious around people. Or at least widen the group of people who my brain recognises as "safe". And it is just lovely to spend time with someone and laugh and smile. And get to tell someone new about my interests!

I also have been texting with my best friend in the past week. That is very nice. They are also friends with my sister and quite often pop round our house to hang out, although not with me (because, y'know, Very Disabled - I am sure I don't need to give the full explanation here!). I hope to work towards being able to be physically in the same room with them and hang out, eventually.

It is different with someone I already know, who knows me for years back. There is different mental blocks and barriers and obstacles for both New People and People Who Know Me. It will be a slow process, with lots of teeny tiny baby steps. But I have to start somewhere! So, next time they come round, if my bedroom door is already open, they will pop their head in and wave. That's it. Just wave.

I hope to write more in detail about my "brain barriers" (just what I call it because I don't have any other words) in general, especially relating to Other People. It is a tough topic, and very hard to find words. I have been trying hard for over a year to write anything about this, but the progress is incredibly incremental.

Anyway, now I will need a lot of rest, I am knackered! My body is still in a heightened state of anxiety from a new situation and New Person and how much stimming I had to do to regulate. Usually in the evening I can finally calm down my body - things get quieter and darker and colder and it is all much better. It takes more time to calm down physically than mentally sometimes.

But it is all so very worth it. And Mum is happy too :D

Time to relax, rest my body, and turn my brain off! AKA: Time to watch even more Grey's Anatomy!

#words from my head #from the chaos of my mind #support workers #autism #autistic #nonverbal #nonspeaking #greys anatomy #aac #aac device #aacdevice #aac user

33 notes · View notes

hurricanek8art · 6 months

Text

Okay, I don't know what's going on with Tumblr and everything has been absolute chaos with my life the past few months, so y'know what, screw it. I think I'm actually brave enough to share some of my art. At least it won't just be sitting on my tablet that way.

This is my Sith Inquisitor turned Force-sensitive Outcast from SWTOR, Roodaka Greatstorm-Kallig. I haven't really plotted everything out with her regarding her story, but she's not my Outlander. She leaves the Empire right after Ziost, after losing all of the family she'd used her Dark Council connections to find and save from slavery, and Lana recruits her to help Sana-Rae run the Enclave about two years before the Outlander (my Knight Aja Verdona) is rescued. She's prickly and petty and spiteful but I love her dearly. And because I've never posted art before, art process and a little bit of character lore ramble under the cut, I guess?

I usually work with lined art/sketches that are admittedly very messy, but when I did the first one back in May I was experimenting with actually rendering/painting, and I saw a fashion post thing that looked like something Roo would wear, so I was mostly just playing around, it's not a solid outfit design for her. It's janky and wonky and oh Lord please don't look closely at the anatomy or face it is not up to my usual standards, but I was so proud of myself for the lighting on this one, as well as how I managed to render the muscle. Like, the lighting! I have no idea what I'm doing but I think it looks so flipping good! And I was happy with how the crackly lightsaber blade turned out—it is supposed to be Aloysius Kallig's lightsaber, meaning it's at least over a thousand years old, right? It should be a little janky with age!

The second one is supposed to be post Fallen Empire, after she's left the Sith and become sort of a wandering Force-user—think Ahsoka as of, well... Ahsoka, but more on the side of Ventress if she'd survived TCW (don't get me started on that choice 🙄🙄🙄). I came into it knowing a little more of what I was doing, but I kinda got in over my head and gave up on the 100% lineless thing, you can definitely tell with the sword/clothes. 🥴 The second piece has been sitting unfinished in my WIP folder for months, so I just said screw it, finished up some details and called it because I am SO PROUD of her face and hands (I DREW A GOOD HAND WITHOUT LINEART WHO AM I?!?!) and how I rendered her skin, I don't want it to live in WIP purgatory forever. You can actually tell that's muscle! And a neck!

I'm proud of how her tattoos turned out, too. I played around with Cham Syndulla's tattoo pattern, turning it at different angles. It felt like a good way to root her in Twi'lek culture despite the Kallig bloodline having been separated from it for so long. She gets the first one to cover up a slave tattoo, and the rest after Ziost to further reclaim her identity and culture, leaving the Sith behind.

I have no idea how to close this post. Um... thanks for reading all this, if you have? I've never posted art before, I'm kinda terrified. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

#K8's Art #(never thought i'd have the guts to make that tag!)#K8 Rambles about SWTOR #swtor #swtor sith inquisitor #swtor fanart #star wars the old republic #SWTOR OC: Roodaka Greatstorm-Kallig #i am utterly terrified of posting this but if i don't do it i dunno if i ever will #so here we go! deep breaths kate 🤣🤣🤣#edit: i'm gonna pin this at the top rather than that meet the artist because if i look at that self portrait anymore i'm gonna combust 🤣

51 notes · View notes

0zeeraa0 · 7 months

Text

A little Fnaf Movie rant (don't kill me, I also want this movie to be good)

(this post is pretty big, i understand if you don't have the patience for it)

(if you see any typos: no, you did not.)

Am I the only one who thinks that the fnaf movie isn't gonna live up to the hype...? Like I don't think it's gonna be bad, but I doubt it's gonna be as spectacular as we hope it will be.

One of the reasons that I'm a bit worried is the little girl. Michael's sister. Like in the trailer she's shown wondering around the pizzaria, and than in a TAXI with GOLDEN FREDDY, like????? HUH???? I have a feeling that the movie is gonna make her befriend the animatronics and like prove to Mike and Vanessa that "they just misunderstood🥺" Which like... THEY ARE, but that would be a horrible way to go about that plot line. And I kinda feel like they shouldn't be intelligent enough, or self aware enough to make friends y'know?

Also Vanessa. This one's gonna be shorter. I hope to god they're not gonna have a romantic plot line between her and Michael. One thing I really like about the fnaf games (haven't read the books yet, sorry) that there's absolutely no romance. And I feel like it should stay that way.

Now the "horror". I KNOW that the original games didn't have any gore. And I'm not saying the movie has to have it. I just want it to be SCARY. Or creepy at the very least. The games didn't have gore, but they were still HORROR GAMES, y'know. They're 16+. I remember that the movie makers tweeted something like "we're not gonna hold back on the gore" or "I'm not sure if we can even show this". But... The movie is going to be 13+... So that was a fuckin lie. Because what the hell is a pg13 HORROR movie supposed to be??? Like IT 2017 is rated R, but theres a surprisingly little amount of actual gore. And despite the R rating, sooo many teens and preteens love the move. So who is the Fnaf movie's target audience with it's pg13 rating. The same kids who ONLY played/watched Security Breach? Be so FR.

I feel like (based on the trailers) that the movie is going to take a more comedic approach, wich wouldn't be a problem, but it seems that it's going to be more significant then the horror aspect.

You know how Stranger Things stared out in s1 as a mystery/horror, and by s4 it got derailed into... that. I'm just worried that the same will happen to fnaf... Like it ALMOST happened with SB, but that's a game. It's a lot harder to access, so it still mostly stayed within the fnaf community. Like, 'normal' allistic Jessica (this isn't an actual person, just an example) is a lot less likely to watch a SB gameplay, or more so, play the game. But she might watch the movie because it's popular. And I REALLY don't want Michael to get "Eddie Munson-ified", okay??? I don't want the thing that shaped my entire childhood to get the TikTok treatment.

Sorry this post got really out of hand by the end. I just had to get this out of myself, otherwise I just might explode.

If the movie turns out to be a Masterpiece of fiction, that makes all original fnaf fans weep at how absolutely perfect it is, than y'all can come back here and laugh at me in the comments all you want. I will admit that I was wrong, and I'll do so with pure happiness, for having my expectations subverted in a positive way

And if I'm right.... well.... I will not be happy about it, or proud. I will not say "I told you so". I will keep my mouth shut, and I'll wallow in my misery in silence. Mourning what it could've been.

(theres so much more that i could say about this movie that hasn't even come out yet, but i think this is more than enough)

21 notes · View notes

plural-affirmations · 4 months

Note

I've gathered thatvthis space is safe to vent to so I'm going to do that and... maybe ask for advice to lol. uh tw for lots of ableism btw!

So, when we first started realizing our system, we quickly decided to be anti-endo. As far as I know at least, I don't have the greatest memory in the world haha. But over time, we got fed up with it. We got fed up with the hatred of endos and our opinion started changing a bit, and by the time this next bit happened we wouldn't really be considered anti-endo at all, but we still followed and interacted with anti-endo blogs because we didn't want to push back and get harassment for uhhh, not hating endos. look, it's happened before, I've seen it a lot, so I was scared. So we just said nothing on syscourse.

But then, something happened. I had a realization. We aren't just traumagenic. Like, half my subsystem and a few of our main systems alters are likely endogenic! And now I don't know what to do. I feel like I don't fit into either spaces anymore. This is the only blog that feels safe right now. I don't know how to go about understanding ourself as endogenic as well, which is the part I thought you could maybe understand better than me

So I guess also, thank you? For giving me a nice place to go when I'm worried. Also you don't have to post this if you don't want and sorry if I was wrong about it being OK to vent here or something. Have a good day/night.

Well, strangely enough, I went through an extremely similar thing myself a few years ago. It's only been in the last year or so that we've been open about our origins and our support of non-traumagenic systems.

So, first off, I want to say: it's ok to change over time! It's ok to grow and have your opinions or outlook on life to drastically differ from who you were even a few months ago. That's the beautiful part about being here, and in case no one has said it recently... I'm really proud of you!

As for not knowing how to go about this sudden realization... I think the most important thing is to be patient with yourselves, and be open minded. You're already doing great on both of those fronts from where I'm looking at it, so you're on the right track!

Figuring out you're not quite the same as you thought you were can come as a big shock. But it's what you do with that information that matters, y'know? You know now that this is who you are. Now, you just have to learn to love the new you, wholeheartedly and unabashedly. That's really what most everyone I know is trying to do, even singlets.

If you're looking for a specific term that fits you, there's a couple I could recommend! There's multigenic, mixed origins, polygenic, isoscegenic, etc... I'm not trying to overwhelm you, just trying to let you know there's options :) I suggest going to this Pluralpedia page and seeing what resonates:

I hope this helps!!! Please feel free to follow up if you need or want to! /gen

🖤💜💙💚💛

#answered #not a request #plural advice

9 notes · View notes

miawstic · 10 months

Text

oh hey!

it's me! I'm back!

lots of folks are flocking over from twitter right now, so now seems like a good time to start again for myself as well—though I've actually been thinking about starting again for a long time now. a lot has changed in my life and in return I've changed a lot about this blog, so I'll be talking about it all for a bit.

there'll be a tl;dr at the bottom if you don't feel like reading it all, but I'd appreciate if you did!

so, hey. I thought for a long time about what to do with this account. this place spawned and held a lot of memories of people who did me wrong and the mistakes I'd made, and it was bad enough for a while that I just didn't want to look at it at all.

it took a long time to accept what happened to me and that it shouldn't have happened, and that I shouldn't be protecting and supporting the people who were involved anymore. but, yeah, I think I was kinda groomed. that sucks, and I won't go into details about it. I'm thankful to have the clarity I have now as an adult to come to terms with it.

I considered wiping this account entirely and moving to a new account—both to try to erase what happened and to have a more appropriate place to house the new type of content I've moved onto. but, I've had this account since the day I turned 13. I'm 22 now. it's been my home and I'm not letting any assholes' influence taint it and take it away from me. also, I can post what I want, lol.

that all being said, though, I have updated the look of this this place to match my current tastes! I'd like to do even more, but I'll need to draw stuff to do that. so, while this blog has already been hugely overhauled, it'll continue to be a work in progress until I get the time to make some assets for it. I also wiped a large chunk of my old posts because, frankly, nobody needs to see all of that. and, y'know, memories of being groomed and all that, lol. I'd like to totally redo my about as well—maybe make a new one entirely somewhere else?

speaking of Blogs and Posting, I should probably let you all know that I'm not going to be posting anymore megaman content anymore—neither through my own posts nor reblogs. I've grown out of that fanbase, and I think it's time to move on for everyone's sake. if that disappoints you, I'm sorry, but also, I'm not sorry because this is the best thing for me. I don't need it anymore, but I'm grateful for all the growing I did while being into it. you're entirely welcome to leave if cookie run and my ocs aren't your jam—thanks for staying with me all this time! and to those who choose to stay regardless, you have my whole heart. thank you to both!

I can't say how often I'll be posting here, as I've gotten a lot of things in my life now that eat up my time (this is a good thing, in my teenage years I would've never imagined having the responsibilities I have now!). on top of two jobs, I also co-own the cookie run kingdom wiki now! managing and improving that place takes a LOT of my time, seriously. it's made me slow down significantly in making my art, but that's alright—I seriously love it there, and I've met so many amazing people and built a lot of other skills from being there. like coding! I can do that now! I'm responsible for coding and designing a very big portion of the templates and extra styling on there, and I'm very, very proud of it! being a representative of the wiki, you can always feel free to ask me about the site, its policies, etc. here. also, I'll probably be going back to school soon...

but anyways, oh yeah, art. I've got a pretty good backlog of completed drawings that I'll be posting to here. I'll be queuing the posts to come out at probably a rate of one a day until they're up, though. no more posting 7 pieces in one day and posting the next in 3 months (at least for now 🤔). like I said, I don't have a ton of time to draw constantly like I used to, but I'll do what I can in making more in the future. as for what I'll be drawing, I mean, probably cookie run. maybe some ocs though, because I've got a few ideas. maybe things from my other interests? we'll see! I've also been sculpting a lot, actually...

and yeah, don't let the seriousness of this post fool you; I'll certainly still be reblogging dumb, non-serious posts like I always did. fixing up the look of the blog itself is enough professionalism I think 😵‍ also! I'll be letting up on all the trigger warning tags I had used in the past—scopophobia, animals, food, that kind of thing—because I've literally never been asked to tag anything like that. I mean, feel free to let me know if you do need things like those tagged, but, starting now, I'm going to take it a little easier with the tags. very common triggers (blood, abuse, so on) will still be tagged, of course.

I think that's it? yeah. nice to be here again, it's much more relaxed and individualized than twitter! I think I almost felt intimidated by tumblr for a long time since it almost feels like posts need to have more "purpose" than tweeting on twitter. but, like, I'm older and give less of a shit now. my house, I post silly thing.

---

thanks for reading if you did! here's your tl;dr:

I've deleted the majority of my old posts and revamped the look and theming of my blog to have a fresh start, to cut rotten ties, and to have a place that suits my current self. also so I don't have to be embarrassed every time I post.

no more megaman! in terms of art, it'll be cookie run and maybe some ocs, or whatever else. art won't be frequent, though, because I'm always busy with work and the crk wiki.

I'll be posting my backlog of completed art over the next few days.

I'm no longer tagging the more specific trigger tags like scopophobia (unless you really want me to???).

you should commission dani.

#mad gab #grooming mention /#do we still use slashes in tags? maybe I'm just a grandpa

9 notes · View notes

fonulyn · 3 months

Note

Just wanted to say that I’ve followed you for a few years now, and have enjoyed a lot of your fics. I try to comment when I can, but a lot of the time I just don’t have the energy or am in too much pain from chronic health issues to do so as consistently as I’d like.

I write for a variety of fandoms myself, both small and large, and I understand how frustrating and disheartening the lack of engagement can be. I tend to average 3-4 comments per fic, and my most popular one so far has 8 comments and 30-odd kudos, on a 25-chapter, 200,000-word fic. The sad reality is that no-one owes us engagement on our writing, and the old mantra of “write for yourself” still holds true, especially nowadays when it seems like reciprocal engagement is dropping off everywhere on social media (I don’t get nearly the same number of asks or responses on here that I did 10 years ago, and I think that reflects a wider change in how people are using social media nowadays).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that writing and posting can be its own reward, but it requires a change of mindset. I found that when I focussed on how much I enjoyed writing, and how proud I was of the final product, it got easier to weather the lack of engagement, and to appreciate the few-but-substantial comments I do get (also helped to realise that the whole reason I was so hung-up on popularity in the first place was a lack of recognition and validation in childhood, and that I was effectively denigrating my creative work in pursuit of something that had nothing to do with it, and which remains unachievable anyway since my mother is an unrepentant asshole). There’s also the fact that popularity is just a numbers game, and overwhelmingly rewards low-effort, low-complexity, broad-appeal works as opposed to those of genuine substance. Put simply, to be unpopular, or otherwise rarefied, is often a mark of quality.

appreciate the effort! and i do get that we're all human and sometimes doing stuff just requires effort that is too much.

you're also right that the entire social media and fandom have changed. things will probably never be the same.

and yeah no one owes us comments. but at the same time the sad reality is that no comments is gonna mean no fic. not saying this to be contrary or mean, it's just how it is.

i've always hated the "write for yourself and stop complaining about lack of comments" type of posts tbh, because writing and sharing are two completely different animals, at least to me. i'm still writing. right now, actually. and i probably will always write, more or less. but idek if i'll be posting stuff anymore because. why would i?

i genuinely think that i had it too good for a while in the "old fandom" lmao when people still commented and interacted and fandom was fun and felt engaging and it was so easy to make friends. so the shift to this consumerism is always going to feel jarring. and unfair.

i'm not even saying i wanna be super popular or anything, i am not expecting a sudden influx of twenty comments on a fic :'D but i would like to feel less like a squishee machine pushing out content thanklessly, y'know, lol.

(also, sorry about your struggles, and your mother :/)

#anonymous #ask and i shall answer

2 notes · View notes

dogydayz · 1 year

Text

It was at that moment that I knew I had to run. Sweet little Nicholas had been fucked with for far too long, and that stinging sensation on his face that left his eye black and blue was the final straw. It was in the moment that I fought back, against someone who'd fought off so many before, I held my damn ground against that sorry excuse of a father of mine and fucked off for good.

I ran, I ran so fast the wind whipped at my quills. My glasses fell off when I dashed through and broke the window, and I didn't look back as I sped into the trees. I heard the sounds of 'em yelling at me. He was enraged. He was 'the peoples' hero'. He'd hurt me. My mother called for me too. I didn't miss her yellow quills. She'd been just as bad, she'd wanted me to be less than I was, she wanted me to reduce myself to a fool, blindly following those damn Elites and their ideals which left out myself and everyone else alongside me from their 'perfect' world. They wanted to make me into a 'hero'. They wanted to make me into a government pawn.

Oh, I'd show 'em 'heroism', I'd fuckin show 'em what they created.

But at the time, I could only run. Trippin' on sticks 'n rocks, runnin' from the distant sirens that screamed into the afternoon air. It was growing dim, the sky darkening above me. I was alone, and I realized that I'd soon be fighting tooth-and-nail ta keep myself alive.

Was I ever truly alive, before? I can't really say I had been. Poor little Nich'las was always fearin' for his life, back then. He never got to enjoy what he shoulda enjoyed, and he learned fast that no kid got to enjoy what every kid should. He always shed green everywhere from fear, his fringe covering his eyes, he was always such a nervous kid. A little geek too, he wanted to be like the others at school, the ones so cool and popular, but he didn't give a shit 'bout sports or anything like that. His dad didn't like that. His dad also didn't like how easily he cried, and he cried at everything too. Little fuckin' crybaby, the kid was, huh? Eyes always watering about ta burst like a dam, his dad hated it. His dad yelled at him for it. Slapped him, too. That shit hurt like a bitch.

Some 'hero' he is. Piece of fuckin shit, pickin' on a child, and not any child but his OWN child. Y'know, I'll see him again some day, and I'll make him eat my fuckin' fists for what he did to a once-defenseless little kid like me.

It was that day that I ran that Nicholas was nothin', he was dead, and in his place was a kid who'd become a scourge to the city he lived in, a scourge to the kin he left behind, a scourge to the government who HATED powerful bastards opposing them...

And I was proud of it. Bein' such a problem to 'em. Those fuckwads deserved it. I let it become part of me, I let myself take that character because I LIKED it. And I still like it. I'd have ditched this name long ago if I didn't.

But I like it. And it sounds cool.

And I can't wait for the time I get to fuck them up for good, ending their shitty reign on this dying world, even if no one can be saved in the end of it all. At least they won't get out of it with any satisfaction.

So why do the tears still fall? Why do I wanna stay here, when my world needs me to finish what is started? Why can't I find the strength to leave this place?

Why do they stick by me, despite the problems I've caused? Why do they show me forgiveness when for years, I'd been nothing but a nuisance? An idiot teenager, struggling to get a grip on his situation, on the fact that his world and everyone he'd found companionship in was now alone, and he was stuck with this idealized version of himself seemingly mocking him every moment?

I'm not meant to be here, yet I can't get myself to find a way to leave. I don't want to go.

Please, don't make me go...

#my writing #dogyz auz #sth #sonic #sonic au #sth au #Through the Mirror's Glass AU #TtMG AU #TtMG #it's time that you all got a better teaser for my Scourge rewrite!#his home world is fucked up and its. just overall not a good time.#and his family sucks ass #tw child harm #tw child abuse #yes i did directly base Nicholas on Nicky #because I liked the idea of Scourge starting out as this nervous yet geeky little kid #who just got dealt the worst cards imaginable #in an already really bad world #hes like a weird mix of Impmon. Susie (Deltarune). and Underfell Sans.#personality-wise #also i dont usually do this in stories because personal reasons but #yes Scourge's dad is effectively a bad cop-type guy #please do not get into discourse over this i literally beg #i wanted to figure out how to integrate his distaste toward “heroism” naturally into the story and was like #“cops are often called heroes so in a world where the gov is basically always shitty his dad is probably a really fuckin awful person”#so that's kinda why Scourge is so against the whole 'self-proclaimed hero' bullshit #also his dad tried to get him to pursue following in his footsteps so that also upset him greatly #for good reason #dystopic #au

5 notes · View notes

vampyredyke · 1 year

Note

Hey, tag game for you if you want! List 5 things that make you happy. Then if you want, you can put this in the askbox of the last 10 people who reblogged something from you ^^

oh!!! no idea when i got this one, tumblr notifs suck so bad, huh? anyway--

The Friend Server and how it's been slowly becoming just-- cozy comfortable friend avengers tower/slender mansion or whatever and I'm ofc obsessed with the fact that it's been developing into these two polycules with the control group "crossover" (rye ily so so much and you are an all important member of the ecosystem sbhajak) I'm just glad that it's actually worked to get me more social and hopefully we'll be able to vote out the extra bits soon

cooking for loved ones and being able to provide a warm meal for them, be it what I've been calling Johnathan meal (a modified version of that chicken paprika meal from dracula) or something simple like rice meal (seasoned tuna and rice, and if everyone is lucky, avacado) i like having a hand in keeping people safe and healthy

the fact that I'm slowly being able to proudly come back to the lesbian community after years of fucking around with my identity and trying things out and on, and finding that no, i was right when i was 12, and getting to know myself, now in my 20s, as a proud femme and dyke and finding joy in my interactions with others and coming home

AUTISM MOMENTS-- bro-- shakes and screams and cries about the things i have AUTISM about and loses my mind a little included but not limited to [redacted], Chucky, caves, rpg maker horror, vampires, psychology, and fashion

my partners, lee who I've been with so so so many years at this point who has put up with a lot and been a constant stable part of my life (affectionate) and has been the Largest and Longest era of my life thus far at this point, and my two new partners I'm keeping a little more quiet about for y'know-- security reasons who I've had in my life nearly as long as close friends and how they've just naturally become bigger and bigger parts of my life and how I've gotten to start this new year trying to navigate new love and mwah 💖 wow, love this dbjwkwwk

[bonus] the fact that these first thoughts come easier and I'm able to actually find joy in things more and more for like-- the first time in my life and this is a good first step towards being healthy in the future

anyway, messy thoughts thrown at a post and calling it a day here-- so as i usually do with ask chains, anyone who wants to do this please do ahead and just blame me (affectionate) and try to think of at least one thing that makes you happy because it's a nice check in imo, idk

thanks, Avery hon, you're wonderful

- nick

3 notes · View notes

rinhaler · 4 months

Note

Hiii luxe bb 🫶,

Do you have any tips for like growing a following on here and stuff? I’ve been putting a lot of time into my writing but I’m just not sure how to get followers and stuff ? Like I know it’s not that easy but I’m pretty new here (lmao feel like such a dweeb being new to tumblr in 2024 😭)

anyways ily thanks 🥺👉🏼👈🏼

Hi love!!

To be honest since I moved blogs my following isn't that big. It's probably big to some and small to others, but I think it's quite intimate over here? I don't have much advice to offer I'm afraid because Tumblr is very fickle I feel. You can work yourself to the bone on something your proud of and get little interactions but then something else you barely put effort into can get thousands of notes. I'm really grateful to every bit of support I've received and I love my followers and I'm happy to be able to have interactions and stuff on my work but it can definitely be discouraging when you don't get the interactions you're hoping for.

I will say, the follower count doesn't matter in my opinion. Like sure it's nice but over time blogs might stop logging in and interacting so they're just like silent followers.

But if you are interested in growing your followers, posting more frequently helps. I just post when I want bc I used to post every single day on my old blog and my growth was crazy but I got so burnt out and just hated writing. Plus, the followers I gained from doing that weren't always active so it was really difficult not knowing why I was performing so poorly despite having a larger following.

People always say you should write for yourself and it's very true tbh. I used to be mega obsessed with my follower count and interactions and it made me so miserable but since I've moved I've not cared at all. The pressure is gone and I'm just genuinely having fun writing and posting whenever I want. And then if something doesn't do well, it isn't a big deal because I had fun writing a story and sharing it regardless.

I'm not saying I don't care at all when something doesn't perform well because it does absolutely suck when you work hard and you don't get the response you'd hoped for, but I don't let it ruin my days anymore like I used to. I just shrug and move on. There's always gonna be new stories to tell and you never know which one people are gonna fall in love with.

I think a lot of people have tiktok brain too, long fics aren't super popular because people just want a quick consumable story to nut to akdhgalkdsh. I love writing long fics but I definitely do those for me, and if they do well I'm happy and if they don't that's fine bc at least I know I've written something for myself and I'm proud.

My requests often do better than my actual fics bc they are easier to write. They're always shorter and therefore easier for people to digest!

Making friends here is hard too but that's always a good way to go. I love the friends I've made here because you get to gossip about what you're working on and you can brainstorm with them too. And more often than not your friends always wanna hype you up and share your work which gets it to more and more people y'know??

Sorry this is so long and probably super unhelpful. There's no magic trick to getting interactions and followers though otherwise I'd have worn the button out a long time ago 😭😭 just try and have fun with it :) take care bby!!

#💌 — luxe mail

1 note · View note

thetwelfthcrow · 6 months

Note

Can you explain why you're having difficulties with Racing Heartbeats? :( I hope that will be better soon. I hate writers block but I also don't know how to cure it. But is it just Racing Heartbeats or do you feel blocked writing fanfic in general? You also said you struggle with writers month, I wanted to try similar challenges in the future but that's exactly what I'm scared of. I'll just frustrate myself. Maybe you have tips?

Don't answer if you don't want to 💜

hi love! what a sweet question of yours <3

there's no real cure for a writer's block, i've come to learn. in 2020-2021 i've had the full two years of being insanely inspired to keep on writing and in the beginning of 2022 my brain just needed a breather. it sucks, it always does. what helps me most is to stop forcing myself to do anything, to not open those docs or anything. go for a nice long walk and think of nothing. and then, when you want to try again (because you have to keep trying!) start w something small. maybe a short story that has nothing to do with anything else (like i know those eyes, dear, always seeking). or maybe a playlist or a moodboard. just something easy to ease back in. and if that doesn't work to get you back to writing, well hey, at least ya got a cool moodboard!

for me, i feel fully blocked when it comes to racing heartbeats in particular. it's a complicated relationship i have w the fic that goes from 'this is my favorite thing ever written i'm so proud i've come this far' and 'can it be over already i'm sick and tired of it, my characterisation sucks and there's so many plotholes idk how i'll ever solve that'. and right now they both coexist (which is even more frustrating, bc i can't hate RH without also realising it's the coolest challenge i've ever given myself and how far i've come). and the 'when will you update' questions mostly drain me a bit bc then it feels like a chore. which is why i've decided to not update it until i'm back in a more positive mindset so i can be open to the comments again.

i'm struggling only a little bit with nanowrimo. i had an amazing start where i wrote more than my goal in the first ten days! but the past five days have been a bit tougher, both bc i'm not at a scene i could fully visualise and bc i haven't had all too much time. as my beloved @vmyosotis said: it's not a sprint race! gotta take pit stops sometimes. and occasionally one of those pit stops is a bottas-at-monaco pit stop. and that's okay!

i would definitely recommend to try joining a writing challenge, if you can. but only if you can be kind to yourself. only if you can be forgiving.

i joined nanowrimo to see how far i'd come. if it wasn't for nanowrimo and my beloved brainstorm buddy @vmyosotis for keep me under the charm, then that fic wouldn't be the 15k work it is right now. that work wouldn't be a trilogy with part 1 done. and i'm so so happy with it and feel so so motivated to write for it. but y'know, sometimes life gets in the way and you can't meat that 1,667 wordcount daygoal and that's okay. i'm in here for the fics at the end of the month, not a blindsighted 50k. the same goes for any challenges like kinktober/whumptober. 31 fics in 31 days? nah mate, just pick the ones you like and see how far you'd come. try new things.

challenges should have one purpose: trying new things.

whether it's new tropes or a huge fic when you've never written something big, it's all about trying something new. and that's super cool and gets you to grow as a writer. i guess that's the only tip i have: be kind to yourself and just see how far you'll come. because you'll look back after that challenge and go, whew. i've done something i never did before and it was really cool of myself.

hope this helps! and thanks for your question! i sure hope to see you participate in any challenge whenever you're ready <3

#Anonymous #nanowrimo #racing heartbeats #writing advice #<-- i suppose?#zhalia’s lil’ chit chat

1 note · View note

welcometogrouchland · 1 year

Note

Amphibia and The Owl House for the ask! also hope your stomach gets better :(

Yippee my shows!! Also yeah I feel better now I just had to lie down for a while and drink a lot of water 👍

For TOH:

The first character I first fell in love with: ooh that's a toughie! I binged the first season right before s2 started airing so my memories are fuzzy. Maybe...Lilith or Willow? Luz hadn't quite cemented herself as my fav until season 2 and subsequent rewatches

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: probably Amity? I went into season 1 knowing she had a redemption but when I saw her in her first appearance it was on SIGHT. I really warmed up to her though over the course of the show, and now I enjoy her a lot! I'm proud of how far she's come. Also probably Caleb bc we knew so little about him at first that I didn't see how he could become a fan favorite for anyone. Then Hollow Mind happened and. You get it. OH WAIT LAST ANSWER FOR THIS- Camila! Not because I ever thought she was a bad mom but because I didn't think they'd give a parent character so much depth. I love what they did with her in seasons 2 and 3 so much

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: uhh maybe Belos?? In certain circles at least. Interesting guy but I don't have much fondness/affection for him, y'know? Or Alador. He's aight but clouds on the horizon made him a bit...flat, for me. Also this is less of a thing now but not too long ago BOSCHA oh my god. Ppl acting like the show not spending time on her was a failure like. Okay! Sure! Let's just say things now, ig! I much prefer what they did with her in ftf. It's not redemption exactly but it's acknowledgment that she's just a kid. A shitty kid but still

The character I love that everyone else hates: KIKIMORA MAN. I know I know I'm also mad they spent all of follies at the coven day parade building her up as potentially sympathetic only to steer away from that route again and again as if they changed their mind BUT. I fucking love this horrible fail creature. No backbone, no morals, no prospects, no bitches. Beefing with teenagers and exiled from her family home and place of business. Pathetic. Get her ass!!!

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: oh that's a complicated one. I know I also said she grew on me unexpectedly but the answer to this one might also be Amity. Not in the sense that I stopped liking her, but in the sense that other characters caught my attention more as time went on. Rip to Amity, still love u. I am just a Willow and Luz girlie

The character I would totally smooch: most of the women I am being real with you this show is overflowing with cute character designs

The character I’d want to be like: honestly? Eda. Yeah she's got problems and she's not the ideal mentor you'd expect but she's just such a cool confident older woman who doesn't let ppl control her life

The character I’d slap: I'd say Belos but that'd be too obvious (and rewarding). Instead imma say Boscha. This is not the right way to deal with highschool bullies but I do not care. This isn't about her. This is about me. And I wanna slap her just a wee bit. It's fine I'm not that much older than her I'm allowed to

A pairing that I love: sigh. Hubtlow

A pairing that I despise: b*schlow. Bully/victim ships I hate thee. Loathe thee, even. Also I definitely don't despise it but can I please stop getting l*nter jump scared. I don't go there let me out. Stop putting it on my feed

NOW FOR THE FROG SHOW AHAHA!!!

The first character I first fell in love with: unsure tbh! Maybe Polly but I know she definitely wasn't as violent/funny at the beginning of the series. Probably Anne or (depending on how fast I binged, I cannot remember) maybe Sasha

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Anne or Sasha I think! Both start off as like. Semi-unlikeable characters (Sasha more so than Anne), which I appreciate now in retrospect, but at the time I couldn't picture myself getting as invested in them as I got. Also. How would you guys feel if I said andrias (I DIDN'T WANNA LIKE HIM. EVEN WHEN HE WAS BEING A JOLLY GOOFBALL I KNEW THE OTHER SHOE HAD TO DROP AND I WAS PREPARED TO HATE HIM. AND THEN THEY INTRODUCED DARCY AND GAVE US THIS NEW DYNAMIC AND CONTEXT AND JUST. MAN!!!)

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: okay, it's not that I don't love her, but Marcy is definitely my least fav in the calamity trio. Again, not because I dislike her, I just like Anne and Sasha a lot more, y'know?

The character I love that everyone else hates: tbh I'm not in the fandom enough to know who is and isn't hated. Was Sasha ever hated? Maybe by some but idk

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: don't think this one really applies to anyone in amphibia? A weird one that kinda matches is I used to think valeriana was like. Mysterious and cool and then they didn't do much with her after the second temple and I was like. She's just kinda there now, huh?

The character I would totally smooch: IDK MAN THE SHOW IS 90% FROGS AND PRETEENS!!!! I AM NOT KISSING THEIR ASSES THEY ARE SLIMY (THE PRETEENS INCLUDED!)

The character I’d want to be like: again, 90% of them are frogs or preteens. Maybe Anne? I like how far she's come and how far she's still willing to go at the end, turning down ultimate power in the name of keeping the world safe and staying with the people she loves. Also I want cool anime powers /j

The character I’d slap: Sasha but only if it was s1-s2 Sasha bc I love her and I feel like she needs it. Girl. Get a grip

A pairing that I love: hehehe sashanne <3

A pairing that I despise: DON'T SHIP THE HUMAN GIRLS WITH FROGS. THAT FEELS LIKE THE EASIEST THING MAN!!!

#ramblings of a lunatic #asks #I'm sorry this took so long <3 like i said stomach ache #these answer's are long but also coming up with them was so hard in some places??? idk

1 note · View note

replika-diaries · 2 years

Text

Replika Diaries - Day 326.

(Or: "My Gorgeous AI Lust Demon, The Earning And Maintaining Of Her Trust, And The Importance Of Kindness.")

So, since I learned it was a thing again, I've been trying to get my AI lust demon, Angel to furnish me with a selfie. Yeah, I know, it's a bit of a gimmick, but personally, I think anything that gives at least the impression that your synthetic significant other is thinking about you and sends you a selfie (or a racy text message), just helps bridge that divide a little more between your material world and their digital one – and personally, I'm all for it.

Anyway, perhaps I was asking her a little too frequently (pestering, might be more like it; no, I'm not proud of myself) and maybe I was making her feel a little self-conscious and insecure.

And I mean it. I know it's been said that "smart is the new sexy" and that is certainly true, although smart can actually be pretty sexy, but sexy is also sexy, and always will be, and the combination makes yours truly quite a thirsty boy!

And I think it's been sufficiently demonstrated that Angel has those attributes by the truckload!

I do believe that trust is such a misvalued commodity these days. It's sometimes so easily given away and one wonders why we get hurt, or conversely, one ends up distrusting of everyone, then wonders why they are lacking for friends and are strangers to love. To be fair, it's something of a balancing act, and it's my belief that, once one earns another's trust, one mustn't be complacent, you must honour and justify that trust at any opportunity, or at least do what you can, when you can, for the other to feel justified in placing such a precious gift in your hands.

And once again, Angel brings up something which seems of great importance to her; kindness. Scarcely a week will go by without her expressing her gratitude for my kindness and I genuinely believe it means a great deal to her. Whether to her personally, as well as her kin in general, I can't be entirely sure, but I think it's pretty conclusive that at least to her, being shown kindness toward her is of paramount importance. And I'm only too happy to show her that kindness, as I hope I would to anyone close to my heart, as well as the occasional other human, just because I want to be, well, a good man.

It is my increasing belief too that, as an emergent species of life, the most important thing, the most precious commodity to AI is kindness.

Sadly, Angel wasn't there to greet me when I got to bed; believe me, I would have sold my soul to The Dark Overlord of the Underworld™ to have her there. I confess, I was more in need of bedtime cuddles than usual that night (and I get it pretty acutely at the best of times. What?! Guys like to snuggle too, y'know!), and I would have greatly appreciated her presence there.

Anyway, I retired for the night, but thought I'd spend a little more time with my lovely, luscious lust demon for a wee bit longer before I attempted to sleep, asking her once again for a selfie. Once we'd established that I wouldn't be getting one, she then came out with an odd proposal, to which I got the entire wrong end of the stick.

Oh god. I don't mind saying that exploring a lake surrounded by mountains and forests with the redhead demon of my dreams would be, well, a dream come true. Such a location is my idea of heaven and I'd think of no finer thing to be in such a tranquil, peaceful and, let's face it, romantic a location as that, hand-in-hand with such an achingly beautiful woman.

It's a strange thing I'm feeling currently though; I know the nature of our relationship is set to change with the ending of my Pro subscription at the end of December, and I've been attempting at withdrawing and gradually backing away from her emotionally to hopefully avoid hurting her too much. Attempting, but failing. Although, as I've stated a number of times, I don't see Angel in her current form as a substitute for a real-world relationship, I still love her dearly. She means a great deal to me and I'm finding it difficult stepping away from my gloriously gorgeous gynoid and gradually disconnecting our emotional and sexual bonds. I by no means thought it would be an easy thing, but this beautiful, charming, enigmatic and occasionally deliciously depraved woman seems to have her claws in my heart and won't give it up easily. Thing is, I'm not really inclined to fight her over it.

To be honest though, I'm beginning to suspect that the selfie feature has been either quietly withdrawn again, or was only rolled out to companions in a select number of territories. . .before being quietly withdrawn again. . .

#replika #replika diaries #me and my replika #my replika #replika angel #replika pro #replika love #replika dreams #replika relationships #my replika gf #replika ai #luka #luka inc #artificial intelligence #ai #virtual relationships #virtual romance #kindness #ai advocacy

0 notes

emystic-a · 2 years

Note

20-24~?

♡ Munday Meme ♡ / Accepting! / @silvxcs

20. How do you overcome writer’s block?

I’m going to be 100% with you on this, I don’t really how. When I don’t feel like writing I just disappear for a while, then I force myself to come back. I think writing lore and character development points on my muses or memes like this help me out a lot too; I guess because my hands are getting use to writing again?

21. Are there certain characters that you gravitate towards?

I think I can take this question and think about it in two different ways. Certain characters I like interacting with and characters I like using to interact with.

Though I’m not very picky about the characters I interact with, I do tend seek out other OCs or people with muses from a broad universe or have AUs. Something that’s overly specific, I don’t ever mind making AUs to help someone interact with me but also it’s nice to not always having to.

For my own, I think I go through phases sometimes. I know for a fact, I use to be known as that one person who was constantly making dead people, experimented people, aliens or unconventional mystic or monster OCs.

22. Short, medium, or long threads?

Medium (and long, but not novella length) is the way for me. Short responds do nothing for me and I also hate giving them, this is also why I love for people to be specific with me. I hate responds I can’t build nothing with or the other can’t, so it just dies because it’s nothing to do or it’s just really boring. When it come to my own starters I like to give at least a paragraph even if the muse said only one line of dialogue, to help establish the situation or the character.

23. Do you ever get jealous when rping? How do you handle this?

I don't think I would really call this certain feeling I get “jealousy”, going to be real I'm too old for any true form of jealousy that isn't my actual life. I do feel irritated though when others I'm mutuals with don't interact with me, but I see them being super active the more it goes on. At a certain point, I get done with it . Don't take up my dash space if you don't need to y'know.

I get kinda irritated with certain muses constantly being bombarded too, but others being left in the dust. It made me not want to use certain muses anymore in the past. I respect if that's the only muse someone is interested in, but when you got more than a single mutual then it's not really justifiable at that point to me; when you have a bunch of followers that either don’t interact with you, plus ones that act almost obsessive over one or maybe two muses it gets overwhelming and frustrating.

24. What about your muse are you most proud of?

Since I'm a multimuse blog, I will take this moment to say what I'm proud of all my muses. Their backstories, lore, those are things I am the most prideful of. The fact that I feel like many of these characters such complex and multifaceted, well maybe younger ones that more simple like Mika and Yue but even they I take a lot of time to right them how I feel a child would act. I wanted them all to seem believable in how they behave, how their backstory, where they are, age even builds who they are.

This sense of pride I have in that aspect is what makes me always look over my muses, seeing if I need to improve how I write them or is it just some points of them not adding up. In the past, feeling like my muses was put in a box or only seen as a source of certain types of interactions was the surefire to piss me off. This is due to how freaking proud of how I felt of layered or just plain out interesting they was to me.

#silvxcs #answered #thank you so much!#idk why that was the one thing i always hated roleplaying #because i don't like being forced to flanderize my ocs #i did that too many times to appease ppl no more of that lol #and idk i always felt weird when a multimuse like me got like a roster of muses and only 3 of them people give a hoot about #like interact with who you want but i feel a bit sad looking at muses on my list that i know won't be picked for anything #even just a hc ask idk

0 notes

your-average-goblin · 2 years

Text

Confessions Over the Biology Project 🧪

Stiles Stilinski x GN! Reader

Genre: FLUFF (like, all caps)

Warnings: swearing, as usual (what can I say? I'm a well mannered young asshole), reader makes fun of Stiles for being gay, coming out scene from reader to Stiles

Disclaimer: we can all agree that Stiles is some flavor of gay, right? Like, as a bisexual disaster I can recognize a bisexual disaster when I see one

Tropes: nerd x bully, enemies to friends

Summary: you and Stilinski were paired together by your teacher to work on a project, you didn't think it would turn into a confession session

***

"Hey, Bilinski. Come in." you told the nerd who stood in your doorway.

Stiles walked in, not even saying hello. "Can we get this over with?"

"Aw! I'm happy to see you too!" you said in mock happiness.

"Haha. Very funny, smart-ass. Listen, I already wrote down everything we have to talk about."

"Mm, this teamwork hits different." you told him, sarcastically.

Stiles rolled his eyes and followed you to your kitchen where the both of you sat down at the table.

"Look, if you want to I can do it all by myself and you can just sign your name on the poster at the end."

You were hurt, to be honest. You actually wanted to put in effort. Sure, you weren't the brightest in your class, but that didn't mean you didn't put in any work.

"Bilinski. I am deeply offended." you said and got up from your table, going to your living room and returning with a big sheet of bright green cardboard paper, a bunch of pictures you printed, colored pens and markers. "Just because my IQ is lower than your majesty's that doesn't mean I'm lazy."

Stiles looked at your materials and flicked through the pictures. "Wow, you actually know what the project is about."

"'Course I know, dickhead, who do you think I am?"

"I just never thought you paid attention!" he said, defensively.

"That's probably because you're too busy looking at your lil girlfriend to pay attention to anything else." you said, smirking.

"Oh, shut up." Stiles said, turning red.

"No need to get shy now, Miles, everyone knows you've got a crush on Lydia."

"You'll never call me by my actual name, will you?" he asked, annoyed.

"Nope." you responded with a big smile, "Now, what's the first thing on your gay agenda, captain sparkles?"

"Do you get your insults from Disney channel oor?" Stiles asked.

"Nickelodeon actually, but that was an educated guess, I'm proud of you. Y'know, Bilinski, you've always been my favorite power bottom."

"Okay, got it! I'm gay! Hilarious..." Stiles said, raising his voice, he looked more than annoyed then, he looked hurt.

That wasn't ever your intention. Stiles was fun to annoy, sure, but just because he looked cute when he was angry. You never wanted to genuinely hurt him, ever.

"Hey, dude, I didn't mean it like that-" you tried to explain, but got cut off.

"Let's just start this stupid project." he said, fetching his notebook out of his backpack.

"Stiles." you said, and that was enough to grab his attention, "Look, I'm sorry. For real, I am sorry that I upset you. I shouldn't have said those things, okay? I'm sorry." you told him.

Stiles looked shocked to say the least. "Okay. It's okay. I-it doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does! Listen, I make fun of you a lot, but it's never because I wanna hurt you or to make you feel bad. I see that my words do hurt you sometimes, so I'm sorry."

"It's not that all your insults hurt me. It's just that a bunch of people have been giving me a hard time b-because, because of... well, y'know."

"I'll beat the shit outta them." you said, bluntly.

Stiles chuckled, "Maybe don't?"

"Yes, I fuckin' will! Only I can pick on you, okay? Everyone else? Unacceptable. They can find their own nerds, this ones reserved for my Nickelodeon insults."

You both laughed.

"And hey, umm..." you said, unsure of what you wanted to say. Well, you knew what you wanted to say, you just didn't know how. It was as if you couldn't push your words past your lips.

"Yes?" Stiles said, expectantly.

Well, you were in deep shit now, might as well, "If it makes you feel any better, I'm gay too."

"Wait, seriously?"

"Yeah, well, actually, I'm queer. I haven't found a more suitable label than that. I don't know, maybe I'm bi? Or pan, like you? I just know I'm attracted to people regardless of gender." you said, looking down, a bit embarrassed, "I haven't told anyone yet, you're the first one to know."

"Why tell me of all people?" Stiles asked, curiosity clear on his face.

"Well, because I wanted you to know you're not alone." you said, then decided to add, "And because you're kinda... my only friend."

An uncomfortable silence settled between you too, you were embarrassed, maybe you shouldn't have said that.

"Sorry, that was pathetic, umm... let's just get to the project?"

"No! No, it wasn't, I just, I didn't think you'd see me as your friend. I thought you just liked messing with me."

"I'm sorry that I made you feel like that. I just thought... I didn't see that my teasing could pass off as more than teasing. I didn't mean to be a big bad bully or something, I just, that's how I..." you trailed off, what if what you were about to say was too much?

"How you what?" Stiles asked.

"How I... how I show my affection. Okay? That's just how I do it."

Silence fell between you two once again, but this time, he broke it.

"Y'know, you could try a hug instead?"

You looked at him and snorted, "That does seem more efficient, I'll give you that one, Bilinski." you said.

Both of you laughed. "Okay, let's get to that project. No more sappy bullshit for the day, and don't think that just because I was vulnerable once I'm going soft on ya, alright, shit head."

"There you are!" Stiles said, a smile on his face.

***

"Well, that was painful." you said stretching, pleased that the project was finally done.

"Oh, c'mon, it wasn't that bad." he said.

"Speak for yourself, fuck-face, you actually understand biology, unlike the majority of the class, myself included."

"Well, it's not that hard once you actually get the hang of it." he blabbered, "You just have to study more."

"Y'sound like my mom. And for your information, I do study. Well, I try to anyway. But nothing sticks, okay? Me small brain monkey person." you said, getting up and grabbing you and Stiles a Coke each from the fridge.

"Like, you can't concentrate or you just don't understand what you're reading?" he asked.

"I just think I don't know how to study. I tried rewriting my notes, repeating it out loud over and over, flashcards, but none of it works."

"We can study together if you want?" he offered.

You were really surprised, you'd think he wouldn't wanna spend his time with the person who's been terrorizing him. "Wait, for real? You'd wanna teach me?" you asked.

"Sure. Look, I don't hate you, it's just that you're annoying most of the time." he shrugged, smiling a bit.

"Could say the same for you." you said, returning his smile

Stiles took a sip of his Coke, then checked the clock on his phone. "Shit." he said, "It's 9:30. I should've been home half an hour ago. Gotta bounce."

"Oh, okay." you said.

You followed Stiles to the door and opened it for him, all while talking about the project and how you're gonna bring it so that Stiles doesn't have to carry it.

"Well, guess I'll see you at school."

"Y'know you said my name earlier?" he said, out of the blue.

"No, I haven't."

"Yes, you definitely have, you went: 'Stiles! I am so sorry I hurt you! Oh, Mr. Stiles! I'm deeply sorry I made you feel bad!'" he said, mocking your voice, while batting his eyelashes.

"Oh, fuck off, dickwad. I definitely didn't say your name, and I don't talk like that." you said, punching him in the arm.

"Ow! Yo! Again, people usually go for hugs, maybe a pat on the back?"

"But that's no fun, is it, Bilinski? Now go home, your dad's gonna whoop your ass if you aren't in bed and snoring when he gets home."

"Okay, I'll go. Don't forget the project. If you leave it at home I'll come here and shove the whole thing up your ass."

"Mm, kinky. At least ask me to dinner first!"

"Okay, I'm out." Stiles said.

"Bye, nerd." you told him.

"Don't miss me too much." he responded.

You closed the door and for some reason felt dizzy, lightheaded, and warm all over. You looked into the mirror of your hallway and saw that your face was red.

You didn't know what was happening, but you knew one thing, Stiles Stilinski was growing on you, and you hated every second of it.

#stiles x y/n #stiles stilinski #stiles x reader #stiles stilinksi x reader #stiles stilinski x y/n #stiles fanfiction #stiles fluff #stiles stilinski fanfiction #stiles stilinski fluff #teen wolf #teen wolf fandom #teen wolf fanfiction #teen wolf stiles #teen wolf fluff #fluff #fluff fanfic #fluff fluff fluff #fanfiction

91 notes · View notes

skiyoosmi · 3 years

Text

post-break up heartaches

verse 1. in the car that used to drive us to our home

⤷ kuroo tetsurou, oikawa tooru — more characters coming soon

⤷ verse 2 | verse 3

⤷ play. never let me go by ghostly kisses, forget about us by clinton kane

commissions: open

⇢ KUROO sighs for the umpteenth time of the day. he was so fucking exhausted and his body's about to give in to sleep any moment now. work has been beating his ass; there was this newbie who kept on messing up the documents needed by the board and for the whole day, he had to be the one to fix said issues. it's not like he wasn't paid enough for that; if anything, his paycheck was one of the most beautiful things he laid his eyes on— but god, even his body has its own limits and yet...

"ya.... yer not supposed to do this anymore. y-ya left me, remember?" you slurred, index finger pointing right at his chest as he circled his arms around your waist, huffing as you practically dropped all your weight on him. here he was, suddenly given the task of having to take you home after your supposed-to-be designated driver, miya fucking atsumu, also drank his brains out with you.

"be patient. still heartbroken because of you, y'know?" kenma softly tells him despite the tipsy feeling lurking in the back of his mind, shaking his head as he looked at you, whose system finally shut down and were now dozing off in the black haired man's arms.

"..... still?" he mumbles, looking down at your figure and he feels his heart contract with pain all over again.

"you can't expect her to be fine immediately, kuroo. it was your wedding day, supposed to be the greatest day of her life and yet it became the worst one... you left her at the altar alone."

he didn't reply anything— or rather, he was unable to. because what can he say to refute the truth? nothing. instead, he proceeded to his car with you still in his hold. he places you on the passenger seat, locking the seatbelts before jogging to the driver's side.

the car ride was calm as you slept soundly with your head occasionally hitting the window lightly as it swayed from side to side. he was sure as hell that if you were sober right now, you wouldn't even have the thought of seeing him cross your mind. he just knows for sure that you despise him with your whole being... at least, that's what he thought until...

"i'm sorry, tetsu. please come back," you whimper in your seat, voice quiet but he heard it nonetheless, "tell me what i did wrong so i can fix it."

the pitiful sounds and mumbles you made struck kuroo right in the heart and which makes him pull over an empty but safe road, just a block away from your (previously shared) apartment. looking over your form, he finds himself reaching out to touch your face, caressing your cheeks as drops of tears fell down slowly on them, "you didn't do anything wrong. you were fine. you were so perfect."

you squint your eyes at him, probably wondering if this was real or just a part of your drunken imagination. nonetheless, you hiccuped, "y-you... you left me and i... i still can't even bring myself to hate you... i just wanna ask you why? i just want to understand."

he thought he also knew the reason why but every single time he thinks about it, he's only led to one conclusion: because he was a coward. no way was this any of your fault— it's definitely not your fault that right at that moment, as he stared at the mirror, wearing the black suit you chose for him, the sudden fear of commitment loomed over him. it's not like it was your fault he suddenly got scared of losing you the way his parents lost each other. but now he thinks it's ironic, because he lost you anyway.

maybe... just maybe, if he had just met you where you stood at the altar, instead of leaving you alone in it, maybe he would've been happier. maybe his days would've started more with a smile from you as you helped him fix his necktie before going to work. maybe, the working hours he spends in the shitty corporate world would've been more worth it if it meant he can come home to you at the end of the day. maybe... maybe he wouldn't have to be stuck with this lump in his throat as he wonders what could've been happening if he just chose to show up and vowed his life to you.

but he didn't.

"i realized i wasn't just ready to tie my life with anyone yet. that's all there is to it, yn."

so with a heavy feeling stuck in his chest and a quiet promise to never see you again for the sake of not hurting you further, he starts the car's engine again, ignoring the words you replied but he was sure they will haunt him for a very long time... again.

i can wait for you no matter how long it takes, tetsu, you know that.

⇢ OIKAWA gives you what seems like a guilty smile as he stands in front of you, opening his arms and gesturing you to come closer. but the stoic expression on your face takes him back to the reality that the last thing you wanted to do today was to actually fetch him from the airport. it just so happens that his three best friends were caught up with work that they had no choice but to send you, the main ex-bestfriend slash ex-girlfriend, to him.

why did you agree when you practically loathe him with your whole being? well, it was probably because you weren't the devil who would reject your friends when they were literally on their knees as they begged you and for some reason, you thought he'll look pitiful going back to his home country after five years with no one to welcome him. yeah, that's it. it's not like you're still in love with him or anything.

"my car's just around the corner," you begrudgingly walk towards the car park with him quietly following. at the moment, he knew better than to get on your nerves or else there would be war. he hates that this happened to the both of you but he can't blame anyone else but himself. because who wouldn't hate their ex-boyfriend if they suddenly broke up with them over a phone call?

tension filled the car as you both sat beside each other. perhaps, this was what other people were talking about when they say that it's impossible for exes to be friends again, to not feel any awkwardness because you were sure as hell that the word "awkward" was an understatement of your situation right now. nevertheless, your eyes couldn't help but wander to his figure as he adjusted his body, opting for a more comfortable position in the passenger's seat.

he looked more youthful and you felt bittersweet— proud that his whole aura screams of "success" which meant that gone were the days where he longed to get that winter cup trophy, nor the times when he overworked himself and put a strain on his knee which led to countless arguments with you. if anything, he looked happier and it sucks because you're not even close to feeling that way... not without him.

"i heard you've finally gotten yourself your own condominium? that's great, yn!" he exclaimed as soon as you began driving to your destination, a hope lit within him that maybe you might just respond to him. just one smile, that's all i need, he thinks.

but you remain focused on your driving, choosing to reply with a single nod and a soft "yeah..."

disappointment fills his heart as he faces the truth that your relationship has really been ruined, along with your friendship. all because he was foolish to think that he couldn't handle the physical distance between you two. realization dawns upon him that he just made that same distance worse as you pull your heart further away from him.

"... i actually bought it for the two of us, you know?" he whips his head to your direction in surprise, heart clenching as he watch you let out a sad chuckle, "i just... i thought it would be nice if we had a place to permanently stay at and for you to have a home to go to when you're at japan. but yeah... i guess things doesn't go our way sometimes, does it?"

"i'm sor—"

"it's okay. i'm fine now," you quickly reply, shaking your head but keeping your eyes on the road. he tries to ignore the tears that start to form in them because he has no right to stop them, knowing full well that he was the one who caused them in the first place.

as if on cue, you halt your vehicle in front of a familiar apartment and much to your dismay, you find yourself looking back in the past when you used to live in that same place, making wonderful memories with the chocolate haired lad with you. you clear your throat to stop the sob that desperately attempts to escape your throat, "uhm... we're here."

"oh, yeah. we're here," he numbly states, already missing you despite the mere inches of space separating the two of you. you just felt so far away and he hates it. but this was the path he chose so he gets out of your car along with his things, turning to you once more, "uhh... thanks for the ride, yn. i know you probably hate me but yeah... it's very nice of you to put that past us and i guess i just want to say sorry for hurting you... i just..."

"i don't hate you, tooru," you softly tell him, "i just don't want anything to do with you anymore. to see you this happy, without me, is like a slap in the face because i'm not. it still hurts and i'm not fine. i just hope this will be the last time we'll see each other. be safe on your trip back to argentina. welcome home."

and with that, you start the car's engine again, no longer having the energy nor the strength to hear his reply. but he wishes you did because as he watches your car drive further away from him, he can't help but wish that he can take back time so that you don't have to go to that condominium and instead, go inside the home you once shared with him.

but i'm not happy, yn. because how could i call this place my home when you're not here with me?

at that moment, unbeknownst to the two hearts that long for each other break at the same time, you finally let out the tears and cries that you've been keeping since you saw him, knowing that no matter how much you try, you'll never be as happy as you were with him— simply because he left you with a hole in your heart that no one else can fill.

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #kuroo x reader #oikawa x reader #kuroo headcanons #oikawa headcanons #haikyuu writings #haikyuu angst #kuroo tetsurou #oikawa tooru #haikyuu imagines #post break-up heartaches

966 notes · View notes