#but things only keep getting worse

[ctl-yuejie]

"It will just end how it started"

#only friends the series #only friends #ofts #neo trai #mark pakin #i am living for them #glad nick found out in ep 3 and we have now a bunch of episodes of them just making everything worse for each other #nick really worked so hard on keeping boston i want to hug him #his proud smile after jerking boston off ;A; #and he tries to voice when he is uncomfortable and at the same time already realizes that boston is very much not on the same page #and my boy is already escelating listening in on the car sex #possible intended the bug for other reasons but baby - do not put yourself through hearing the whole thing in stereo....you could already #see them from the outside #have to had it to boston: he really nearly doesn't care at all about getting seen #p'jojo getting in his tweet <3 #it is very telling that nick clearly knows who boston is but in his mind their encounters are just a tad more romantic with a focus on the #kissing they are doing and not so much the sex itself #fyi: i saved these gif files under the ship name 'tonnic'

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it can be true that certain lifestyle changes can help with pain and disability, but people really overplay how those changes will affect people's lives.

I've found that exercise has helped my back pain - I have had chronic back pain that PT didn't touch, but exercise has helped. However, what hasn't changed is what exasperates that pain, and when my pain is especially exasperated, it doesn't matter how much I exercise, I'll be in my bed trying so hard to get out, and I'll be seeing white. So, yes, exercise helped me, but it did not save me. That's an example of what I mean.

It's fine to give (solicited!!) advice to people about how to manage things like this. But I'm begging people to be realistic about this. Lifestyle changes can only do so much, and disabilities are - surprise! - disabling.

#disability #i just hate how people turn lifestyle advice into (again) thought-terminating clichés #because i DO all the things i'm ~supposed~ to do and it didn't save me... #...that tells me that it isn't this magical cure people think their advice is #i used my back pain as an example ofc and i'm not saying i have it bad or worse than anybody else #but my pain used to be so much worse and i'm glad it's gotten to the point... #...where i only experience bad days only so often where before it was multiple times per week... #...like as a kid my back pain would keep me up and almost make me cry and PT didn't help me whatsoever #i'm probably about the most active i've been in my life so far and i still have pain because i have a historical precdence for it #this is why i never will judge people for choosing not to make the '~proper~' lifestyle changes that ~help~ with their disability/ies #it isn't a contradiction that i am 'fit' and i'm in the market for a cane (maybe) #(i've been looking around because i want help getting up when i have an 'episode' of pain)

[fleouriarts]

feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole

#hivemind tv #riley savage #graydon weaver #hmfcu #quadeca #jane remover #eden burke #my art #2023 #fanart #doodles #its like. augh. longtime fleouriarts followers are familiar with my eternal tango with posting art online #doing this since i was 11 has like rotted my brain and made me rely wayyyy too much on external validation to motivate myself #and every year or so it gets bad enough that i take a break. but the break usually only lasts a month before i miss the feeling #and come back and then the cycle repeats #its probably worse now bc this is a fandom where getting seen by the creators is not really that hard #so there have been times where im like 'well idk if i wanna draw this. but if i do maybe hivemind will rt it :-)' #NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT!!!!! i cant keep letting myself get addicted to the numbers going up man i gotta get out of here #and i was reading a quad interview from around when idmthy got released. cus hes also brain poisoned like this. but he managed to get out #and now just kinda comes online to release music and then leave #i need to be like that. i need to take a break from art posting thats so long that i come back as a changed man odysseus style #idk. its been so long since i drew stuff that no one gets to see but me. all the art i keep to myself is just out of embarrassment #i need to relearn how to draw stuff just for the love of creation and not “maybe people online will like this one” #or “this new thing came out i need to prove my love of it by drawing it” #sometimes it leads to good art but more often than not it just makes me feel worse #whatever. if any of yall are in the hivemind jane or quadeca discord i MIGHT still post stuff there. but otherwise ill keep to myself and m #friends for a while i think #woooooo this is queued to post while im in orgo lab everyone wish me luck with my thin layer chromatography

[blujayonthewing]

pitched battle inside my brain between the part of me that's desperately shaking myself by the shoulders going "YOU HAVE GOT TO ACTUALLY LIVE THE KIND OF LIFE YOU IMAGINE INSTEAD OF JUST SITTING AROUND IMAGINING IT UNTIL YOU DIE!!" and the part of me that's clutching my face going "is this allowed? is this allowed?? is this allowed???"

#trying to plan a solo cicada pilgrimage and getting brainworms about it yeehaw #'making a lot of plans and never actually doing things in real life' has been a problem for literally as long as I can remember #but I also feel like I've developed a learned helplessness over the last several years that's gotten worse as I've gotten older?? #me age twenty: I think I'm gonna take myself to chicago next week because I feel like going to the zoo #me age thirty: am I allowed to go camping alone. am I allowed to do a solo road trip. I need a grownup #to be extremely clear I am very much allowed and this is not justin's fault and I don't know where it comes from #like I'll run things by him lowkey seeking 'permission' that I don't even need and he'll be like 'yeah that sounds good to me' #and then I STILL won't do the thing because like. my brain keeps insisting there needs to be a grownup in charge?? HELLO I'M GROWNUP #anyway I'm doing cicada trip solo BECAUSE-- the drive is so long I want to do five days because two of them will just be driving #and he can't get that much time off work right now #AND because I literally only want to Be Camping and Looking At Bugs but he'd get bored of a week of that he likes Activities #me this morning getting insecure and weird: what are your thoughts... on cicada voyage.... #him after at first not even understanding the question: I'm SO excited for you?? you deserve to get to go absolutely feral??? #I do.... ;n; 💕 why am I so scared to be a person....... #about me #cicada journey

[w98pops]

i wanted to make a new proper redesign for wendy, and ended up abandoning it because of my fucking episode that makes me not only miserable but also makes me hate my art. so ive made some sketches with my other main characters. idk if ill commit to these designs, we'll see

#fallout #fallout new vegas #fnv #oc: wendy #oc: aletus #oc: sharky #i hate hate hate the mental state im in rn #im just don't know why it gets worse theres literally nothing bad happening to me but i feel fucking awful grrrhrhrrhrh #im really really tired and i dont want it to affect my art because i love my art #and my characters #and i can't enjoy the only thing that keeps me grounded and its haunting #just gotta keep through and stop dumping in tags #i was almost tempted to give aletus a mullet too btw #a devil crafting his masterpiece through my mortal hands

[xhanisai]

hey lads if you’re not gonna comment on a fic you enjoyed, at least leave a kudos man

#delete later #on like half of the stories i've written on ao3 or more #i don't even get 10% of the viewers leaving kudos on my work and that's just kinda tiring man #we've come so far from the fanfiction.net days where writers solely thrived on comments and private messages to KNOW if their work is well #received by the online people #now you can just press a BUTTON to know that you enjoyed a story and it only takes like half a second! #there are so many people online who are constantly BEGGING everyone to PLEASE comment or review or let them know somehow that you've enjoyed #their work because we get so little feedback often and it is demotivating af #but if you're not gonna comment AT least leave a kudos rather than staying silent and consuming the stories like it's nothing #one thing i loved in the beginning of the ml fandom was how interactive everyone was with fanfics and how it had such a positive status #people were happily reblogging and leaving kudos and commenting LOADS back then #now???? it's literally SILENCE #back when my writing was worse prepandemic i easily got hundreds of kudos in a few days #but now i'm struggling to reach even 200 kudos in three months on my newer oneshots #engagement rate is soooooo bad now and it's demotivating af #i think this is why i prefer to write and send drabbles on discord because people there do respond and react to my works and it gives me the #push to keep going

[calware]

i'm thinking about vriska

#god she is such a character of all time #she keeps trying to fix things but she was raised in such a messed up way that #she's so bad at it she just ends up making things worse and she knows it #she doesn't want to accept it because she CAN'T she CAN'T accept that aradia doesn't care about her or that she misses terezi or or or #everything is falling apart around and she never learned how to pick up the pieces or rebuild she was only taught how to break them further #it's a self fulfilling prophecy and she's doomed to fail. terezi kills her and she dies #(except she doesn't. in more than one way) #when she dies she's free #and when john saves her she's free #she reunites with terezi and she gets her impossible second chance. in both worlds #*passes out*

[cinnamon-phrog]

I feel too sick to sleep right now, everything's' too cold or too hot and I can't even breathe without thinking I'm gonna throw up

#it's because i've been drinking diluted juice #i swear the shit they put in that makes me delirious with fever #ughhhh so sick wish a nice big strong mechanoid could help me rn :( real shame #gonna drink water till the middle of the night. there goes my plans for a better nights' sleep :< #i do genuinely feel awful and i have been feeling so for a while and it's all my own doing. not eating healthy. stressing out and barely- #-sleeping. i have stretch marks from losing weight and circles under my eyes. everything's fuzzy. i keep forgetting basic things. #i'm worried about my future. i'm too disabled to function with a job but not disabled 'enough' just because i can speak 'clearly' #i've got no irl friends or family to fall back on. i can only travel so far and i get meltdowns far easier now #months ago i was treated like a pet. now i'm an adult before i ever got to be a child. #i want to be held. be loved without even having to say a word to each other. not even by an f//o but by someone who'll be willing to love m #but all i am now is sick and hungry and hot and cold and tired and awake. #i can't imagine how much worse it is for other people though. i've seen awful images and they're not even a taste of how terrible it is #i worry i won't be able to afford food in the future. or have a stable flat or apartment. that social services will let me down again #this year was meant to be a break but i'm constantly worrying about the time i become 18. my autism and lack of any social life- #will impact me and i'll be fucked over easier than ever. and that happens often #college brought me panic attacks where i'd physically harm myself till i got migraines in front of people and they didn't bat an eye #i could be kicking and screaming and begging for help but they'll just ignore me or infantilise me

[gideonisms]

See I think if I'd been born a guy I wouldn't be this pathologically avoidant trying to plan my career because there are plenty of situations you can find as a cis man where you just Do Tasks in awkward silence and you can get to those as a woman but you have to go through the rings of hell socializing first and then besides, a lot of those jobs already have so many men that you stand out when the whole point was you Don't want to do that

#you gotta be god's strongest soldier to survive this shit and i am not! i am god's weakest most pathetic soldier! #i survived five years of customer service crying weekly and getting harassed and being a baby about it #when i got promoted no one would listen to me and it made me constantly anxious and then so tired it took me a year to be able to #think about having a job as something remotely positive and stop crying about it #idk how other women are doing this shit a guy treats me like his sexy servant and i feel BAD and upset for years #and think of what he said 7 years later and they only touched me on the shoulder and made comments other people go through worse! #but i am not strong or determined i just want to go through my life in peace and stop talking to people altogether #it wasn't just guys who treated me badly older women made fun of me and called me lazy and stupid #tutoring was fine but i felt like i was putting on that same performance and at that point it all felt so awful i just. didn't want to #i can see no way out of talking to people for the rest of my life and it gets me down sometimes #i know i get to come home but even then i will probably need people to live with #i basically only like my family and close friends talking to me sometimes even that is hard #sometimes it's way easier to type and feels less awful #i think i have to just keep on keeping on until i can finally get good enough to freelance edit and code that's the only thing i can think #of doing that doesn't make me cry #emails are fine they suck but i don't have to control my face and tone so.

[napping-sapphic]

I’m not cut out for even slightly more intense health issues than my usual stuff yall so here’s my will for when i die of feel too bad disorder: i’d like to dedicate my few life achievements to all the sapphics out there and also they can have all my stuff i guess

#i did not go to a doctor yet because i was better yesterday #and it is now worse again!! rude!! #now i have to consider going today🙃 #i do have a few general health issues but i don’t ever get sick or anything #so now im an absolute WIMP when it comes to feeling bad #im ready to fight whoever invented feeling bad cause it is not fun!! #also ready to pass away so pls enjoy my objects i love them a lot #you guys don’t get to have my books though please bury them with me as my final request #you can however keep my degree which is useful as tinder or perhaps a part of a decorative stack of useless papers #this is a joke and im over exaggerating and probably fine btw #just some things acting up probably not anything bad or serious #however the only thing im yearning for rn is for this to go away #so probably won’t have enough yearning for women to make many posts #unless i find some in my drafts or some such #idk #but i wanted to post about it since i know sometimes radio silence gets yall worried #so!! im good just going through it lol

[mozart-the-meerkitten]

Hey guys, if you could pray for me and my parents I'd be really grateful. The last cat in our old brigade, Tansy, is almost 15 and at the end of her days. She tends to get sick from allergies during the spring and she's had a rough winter and she's just, she's not going to make it through this time and she's been SUCH a good cat her whole life that we're not gonna let her suffer through it to the end. We're hoping we can get an appointment to get her put down tomorrow (that sounds awful saying it, but she's miserable and I can't watch her suffer she doesn't deserve that), so we would really appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

#cats #tansy #tw pet death #cw pet death #the only good(?) thing about this is that it's not sudden like baby tulip #I have known this was coming and been preparing for it mentally for months now #she took a turn for the worse today tho despite all our efforts to help her keep going #I *think* she might have a tumor in her cheek that suddenly got very malignant #she has a lot of the symptoms #and I think that + the allergy sickness she usually gets is just too much for her #but she has lived a GOOD life #and she KNOWS we love her #she is INCREDIBLY intelligent #she's sid's adoptive mama #like she straight up adopted a stray half-grown half-starved kitten #and TRAINED IT #to be her friend a hunter and a guardian of our home #she literally taught sid everything he knows #I'll post a little memorial for her when she does pass with pictures #because she has such unique and beautiful coloring #she's a torti #and SO sweet #she is literally one of the best cats we have EVER had #I'll miss her terribly <3

[frostwork]

Li Lianhua when he cant lie anymore like damn i got nothing bro you did it you somehow made everything worse with everyone with your lyin bullshit especially yourself please my man stop hating yourself

Like you could have taken almost the exact aame path and gotten more done if you had t turned yourself into a pathological liar my brother in christ get a grip!

And di feisheng is out there im convinced with his memories back and trying to play it cool so he doesnt get betray poisoned again and the poor man has to pretend to be straight for the worlds most unwell and annoying simp

God i love disasters and pain im slurpin it up

#frostpost #watching mysterious lotus casebook #my man coulda solved all like yeah you got me i only have two months to live #i was trying to make it like not naming a pet and getting attached #but im like a human man i guess and the closest thing to a brother uncle youre ever gonna get #so that didnt work #so instead of bringing up literally anything that matters #im just going to blink and say nothing #the gauntlet of 30 is accidentally decimating a teenager you work with #that is not a joke sometimes itll be an accident #but sometimes youre just the one that somehow knocked off rose tinted glasses of youth #my boy you just keep fumbling worse with time #di feisheng hang in there baby

[theprinceandthewitch]

They literally undid the brand marks on people... that is awful actually. They really said:

"Generational consequences that come about as a result of literal puritanical dictatorship? What's that? Oh, who cares! Consequences go bye-bye!"

Do I even need to get started on the environmental impact the changes in TBI's terrain could cause? But removing the brands is even more egregious.

Also why is Eda a headmaster and not Lilith? You really expect me to believe someone like Eda - who's been saying FUCK IT to the rules and the system all her life - would be a headmaster? If she was so interested in teaching why did she have a hard time teaching Luz LMAO. This is like watching Toph from ATLA become a fucking cop in LOK.

#toh critical #IT KEEPS GETTING WORSE #literally the only good things are Hunters bluejay palisman and Darius adopting Hunter.

[dnangelic]

i'm a horror writer at heart but i like shoujo and big feelings which is why i'm here in gothic vkei central with daisuke

#*･ﾟ⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT. #if i didnt like both there is no way id ever feel even the slightest bit confident in my portrayal #JDFJKJKFKJG #mad respect to dark writers there's so many ways to write him.... as long as it's not the anime dark- #i just need ppl to get that in terms of things like monster factor my dark is worse #only a lil. i keep it pg13 🌹 #my dai too is just a tiny bit less morally strict (which was him lying to himself anyways) compared to canon #cause hes waaay past a lot of his moral dilemmas #he is a Thief. he is going to Steal #not wantonly not at all for greed but if the want in his hands or the need in his heart starts to outweigh his conscience he can't resist!! #he would be 'pure' he would be completely innocent -IF- he wasn't stained by dark. by his own thievery. #but hes NOT free or clean of that so hes perpetually a criminal. a huge one at that ohrkgfjkhj #there's nothing for dai but acceptance and a fall as the cherub!!! everybody knows the story of lucifer while everyone else #demonizes satan and it's the exact same with dark and daisuke.... in the end it's inevitable inescapable daisuke becomes dark #kajdflkfdj well anyways. brain mush. sleep time #jetlag is killing me hope a weird sleep sched doesnt fuck me up too much <- always gets fucked up by weird slep scheds

[skrunksthatwunk]

why the fuck did i write about birds this fucking sucks. i just found out birds only sleep for a few minutes at a time, hundreds of times a day. do you know what this is going to do to my structure? the logistics of their road trip? this is already like three days late and i've been fighting for my life to get A Plot Like Any Plot That Makes Sense out and now the birds fucking sleep for 5 minutes at a time.

#i should've just bailed and written another story when i had the chance #i'm not joking i've never fought a fiction piece this hard before. usually because i'm not writing for specific deadlines #and not a piece so big. and not one that's gonna be workshopped. i wanna blow them away but if things keep going the way they are everyone' #gonna tell me the pacing sucks and it feels pointless and the characters feel really confused. I KNOW. I KNOW THAT. FUCKK #i'm the type to do about 15 passes before i let someone see my 'first draft' and i'm just not gonna be able to do that if i want to get it #in time for a workshop. every day i delay is making things harder for my classmates y'know?? but i've been writing like 1k words a day #and it's still not done. GUHH #I DON'T LIKE WRITING THESE CHARACTERS THAT MUCH THEY'RE NOT FUNNY OR ENDEARING AND THAT'S MY LIKE. #MAIN SKILL AND VIBE WITH SHORT STORY DUOS. BUT NOOOO I HAD TO MAKE THEM DIFFERENT CUZ I WAS SICK OF DOING #THE SAME DYNAMIC OVER AND OVER. BITCH THIS IS YOUR FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRIED AND TRUE GETS THE BLUE (RIBBON)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #head in my hands head in my hands head in my hands head in my hands head #going to work on it some more. fuckk #the voices aren't consistent and i'm trying to make it clear that this is toxic bird yuri and not a mother/daughter thing but the maternal #themes are kind of fucking with that but they're important and i don't wanna get rid of them but it feels forced cuz im forcing it #sigh. i'm gonna have to cut the yuri. these two don't work romantically at all. what a waste of time. #i watched the entirety of mnthly girls' nozaki-kun in the past two days while avoiding writing. did you know that? the lengths to which i'l #go? anyway it was fun i appreciate fellow creative agony and i uh never knew how they did screen tones and wasn't expecting that somehow #so i learned something new (hooray). anyway back to. fucking. bird story stuff #i'm so mad i hate these two (<- lying. just pissy) i hate this story (<- mostly exaggerating. throwing a tantrum) #eughhhhhh i just wanna lie on the floor and cryyyyyyyyyy (<- completely deadpan irl. not That upset just kind of sick of shit) #i'm so burnt out and it's only gonna get worse. ughh #why can't someone just come in and write it for meeeeeeeeeeheheuhhh (<- would hate that)

[kelprot-old]

smthn abt how blogging sites encouraged us to share our lives, which led to youtube and monetizing that form of sharing, which leads to literally millions of social media users wanting a chance to “blow up” over just broadcasting their own life. smthn smthn where videos before would be vlogs; information shared is more carefully controlled, ect. ppl now know you can capitalize more off of videos that seem “real”, and so will even go to lengths of either faking, or recording genuine emotional moments that. should not be shared online, especially for the purpose of making a profit.

#that post is making me so fucking mad. one of the worst parts of social media and it's only going to get worse #the rise of tiktok meant that it was easier than ever before to go viral (its also harder to KEEP an audience but. nobody focuses on that) #and so people will now continue to go to more and more extreme lengths to have videos that aren't seen before #which manifests in stuff like my last rb. recording people without their consent; sharing things to tens of thousands of people #we. are not made to live like this. while i understand the need to talk abt yourself and share your life. doing it for profit (views?) is... #i dont even know. dont have the words nor the knowledge to fully explain why it irks me