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jonathanthetranswriter · 2 years

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Why representation is important- a rant

So, as a kid, I constantly felt off. People would tell me that my name was "pretty" and it felt weird to me. I was put off by being called "daughter" or "little girl" or "princess" but I never could figure out why. My mom called me her little tomboy and that's what I assumed I was- a tomboy. I liked dressing up for important events (like picking up my brother from the airport), but that was it.

Getting older, but not by much, I started hating how I looked and felt. I cut my hair really short, much to the dismay of my mother. When I went to school the next day, people in class called me a boy- and I didn't see anything wrong or offensive about it.

It was sixth grade when I learned. This kid I barely tolerated, and only because we had been friends since kindergarten, told me they were pansexual and genderfluid. I asked them what they were talking about, and they opened up this whole world. I did so much research, and at first, I said I was a straight ally.

As I did more research, I began identifying as pansexual. I had noticed my attractions and started identifying accordingly- but something still bothered me. I thought this new identity would fix everything, yet it fixed nothing.

As I explored my attraction, I tried out different sexual and romantic labels, not quite grasping at the concept. It took me a while to say "hey, maybe its my gender" and exploring I went.

I tried demigirl, she/they, but that didn't feel right at all. I still hated my name, the word girl, and the pronouns she. I changed my name, started identifying as demigender, and used they/them. It felt better, but still not right. I simply could not figure it out.

I was extremely frustrated and dealing with things in my personal life. I was just so upset that I could not seem to find out my own goddamn gender. My friends all seemed so sure that they knew what they were that I felt like I couldn't trouble them with this.

I decided to begin going by he/they and identifying as a demiboy. It felt better, but still not right. I began to ask if I may be genderfluid or something, but being called a girl just never felt right to me. It was then I realized that I may just be a guy. Used he/him and it felt great, but surprise surprise, the name I came up with because of a meme wasn't doing it for me. It didn't feel as bad as my deadname, but still not right.

It wasn't until one night, I was up late texting my friend, when they said I looked like a Jonathan. I laughed it off and didn't really say anything about it until later. The name flooded my mind and I really wanted to be called it, so I hopped onto Stardew Valley and changed my character's name to Jonathan. Walking around and being called Jonathan just felt extremely right to me, so that's what I started putting everywhere.

Now, of course, while this gender crisis was going on, there was still the issue of my sexuality. It went from pansexual to lesbian to bisexual to abrosexual and just all over the place. For a while, I identified as omni, but that didn't fit quite right either, but neither did just "gay". So, I decided that, hey, sexuality is fluid and confusing, so I'll just say I'm queer.

It was only after coming out that I was recommended shows and books with LGBTQ+ content. The one show I did watch that had it, Steven Universe, was so subtle at the time that I didn't understand it until later. However, if I had known about shows like Dead End Paranormal Park, The Owl House, ect., figuring out all this stuff may have been so much easier.

So if you think these shows will turn your kid gay, please look past your prejudice. Everyone should question their identity at some point- whether it sticks or not doesn't matter. What does matter is that your kid feels comfortable in their own skin and doesn't have to spend their childhoods hating themself for feeling weird or wrong.

So yes, representation is important.

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nostalgiachan · 2 years

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Time once again for OC redraws! It’s a very musical squad today.

Musical character lore below the cut!

#17: Zeros Kamui Idea: Baby's First Uke. Also a pop idol. Story: Luster

Let's be completely honest with ourselves: he's basically Shuichi Shindou. He might not have initially resembled Shuichi, but he's Shuichi. Maybe with a couple more braincells.

Zeros Kamui is a wildly successful pop idol with a keen eye for what his fans like: crossdressing dudes and The Gay. He once wore a miniskirt and thong on stage and acted as a goofy alter ego named Super Para-Para Powerpuff Zero-chan and the fans went bonkers for it, so while he wasn't super into the crossdressing aspect (or was he? ;)), it was a fun thing to do on occasion. It was during one of these Zero-chan stints that he decided to bring his bodyguard, Lust, on stage and plant a kiss on him.

But he totally wasn't gay, though. In fact, Zeros was very much the "doesn't realize he's gay until there's a dick halfway up his ass" kind of uke. Which is precisely what happened when Lust came to see him after the show and took his virginity in a drunken free-for-all. Fortunately for him, Zeros was more than okay with this turn of events.

He still wasn't sure how he felt about thongs tho

And then Zeros was kidnapped in the middle of a show by a wealthy crazed fan who met Zeros once at a meet and greet and decided he wanted to collect him. So Lust has to go collect Zeros back.

#18: Mina Grace/Mina Nevermore Idea: The rock star lead singer I wanted to be as a kid. Story: D.A.R.K. (not so much a proper story as an OC concept)

Oh boy, oh boy, time for the first iteration of my fictional band, D.A.R.K. In and out of universe, the name doesn't actually mean anything. Out of universe, I tried to come up with a cool acronym, like how HIM had once stood for His Infernal Majesty, but nothing really felt right. Instead, I went with the in-universe explanation that they wanted to do something like KISS's name, where everyone comes up with a different meaning and the band refuses to reveal what it means (because it doesn't actually mean anything and it's more fun to watch people guess).

Mina was basically my self-insert; lived in the same town I did, had the same side part and half-lid eyes, had the same taste in clothes and penchant for red and black, her last name's my middle. Apparently I first came up with her concept after watching a Flyleaf video.

She was basically everything I wanted to be if I was a rock star: cool, yet chill, the sickest wardrobe straight out of late 00s Hot Topic, and an awesome singer who totally didn't get stage fright, no sir. She and her band mates were all super best friends and eventually she'd end up dating her lead guitarist, Valo (another instance of me taking the name of something/someone I really liked and applying it to a character).

Most of what I wrote about these guys was actually "use the word in a sentence" vocabulary exercises in my English class, lol.

#19: Valo Idea: Genderfluid guitarist Story: D.A.R.K.

Ah, dear Valo. Valo was basically my first attempt at playing with gender presentation and androgyny aside from Neros, so bear with me.

Despite being obviously named after Ville Valo, they're almost entirely based on Davey Havok of AFI, being a combination of Sing the Sorrow-Davey's androgyny and decemberunderground-Davey's hair and makeup. I also inadvertently channeled Malice Mizer's Mana in Valo's habit of never speaking above a whisper.

The reason for whispering is that they like to keep people guessing about their gender; their sense of fashion is very GNC, they're able to do back-up vocals in both masculine and feminine styles, and the other band members refuse to divulge any details about their gender.

At the time, I referred to them as "it" because I had no fucking clue what being non-binary was or using they/them. Looking back on them, I'm not sure if I consider them non-binary or a very genderfluid male. I think at the time, I saw them as genderfluid male before I ever knew what that was, but I wanted to keep up the mystery, so I'll stick to they/them if I ever use them again.

Also they play lefty guitar, so that's fun.

#20: Hermanni Lobelia Hargreaves Idea: Bubbly bassist Story: D.A.R.K.

Eventually, Lemon's gonna smack me for the number of repurposed Finnish names in this segment. He's gonna strangle me when we get to Winterstrike

Hermanni Hargreaves, kawaii bassist with her kawaii pet hamster, Gas. And yes, they, too, have names taken straight from HIM: Hermanni is Ville Valo's middle name and Gas was their longtime drummer. As for other inspirations, her massive rat tails were taken from Albel Nox from Star Ocean: Til the End of Time, her middle name is the all-girls academy from Ouran High School Host Club, and her general fashion sense was very anime and J-Fashion.

Unfortunately, beyond her general concept of bubbly, upbeat, weeby bassist, I don't have much else documented about her character.

#my art #100 oc challenge #oc redraw #original characters #pencil art #traditional art

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alirhi · 3 years

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just me stuff

Putting it behind one of those helpful little "keep reading" links to make it easier to scroll right past :)

The other day, a friend asked me if I had DID (dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder/MPD). When I came out to my sister and tried to explain to her what genderfluid means (or at least, what it means to me; ask three different people who use that term to identify themselves and you'll get three different, equally valid definitions), she joked that it was "gender split-personality". It was funny at the time, but it's starting to grate on me a little.

I've got plenty wrong with me, both physically and mentally, but no. I don't have DID. The Josh/Ali thing is not "split personalities". It's still always me. And I've always been this way. As a kid, I climbed trees, played in mud, played with babydolls and Barbies and Tonka trucks and Hotwheels... Everything that was "typically girly" and "typically boyish", I did it all, and I loved it all equally. But I've never felt like I was "defying gender norms" or that gender didn't apply to me. Frilly dresses and dolls and happily sewing new clothes for my Barbies Ali was a girl. Muddy, scraped up, rough-and-tumble Josh was a boy. I never thought enough about it at the time to try to categorize it in my head, that came later, in retrospect, but that's how it always felt. Same kid, same body (and oh fuck, the dysphoria that nearly fucking killed me at times...), same mind, just... Different outlooks.

I think there might be a neurological component to it all, because when I switch, I can feel it. It's a weird little twinge in my head. Sometimes I don't notice lol but a lot of the time, I do, and the world looks different. Apparently, even the way I speak and carry myself changes a little; my friends have started to notice, and sometimes mid-conversation one of them will just kind of smile and go "hi, Josh" or "hey, Ali." It's nice to have both sides acknowledged. I used to hide. In my late teens, through my 20s, and even a little into my 30s, I would work so hard to pass. To hide Josh from the world and not stand out. An ex-friend (when we still were friends lol) looked at me funny and called me a crossdresser; asked if I was gay. For one thing, those two things are not related. For another, no. I would much rather wear jeans, cut my hair off, walk around shirtless when it's hot out, be a guy... but I can't. My body is female. Worse, it's feminine. I've got doll-like, almost kittenish features, and as Ali that's great, but as Josh it's soul-crushing.

So for a while, I hid. I caked on makeup, styled my hair, wore the girliest clothes I owned, pitched my voice an entire octave higher, and was Miss Manners. Everything that screamed "girly" to me, to hide how very not girly I felt. The catch there, of course, is Ali outgrew the super femme stage by the age of like 12 and playing it up only made me more obvious to people who really knew me 😂 but I wasn't really thinking it through.

I looked in the mirror, and I saw someone else staring back at me. The disconnect was so complete, it was horrifying. But that someone else, that lost and lonely, broken girl? Well, I couldn't help me, but maybe I could help her. So it wasn't just to hide who I am, it was to give that girl something nice to come back to. All women are beautiful. All of them. It's just a matter of knowing how to carry oneself, which features to play up. When the disconnect goes away, I can't see as clearly. I just see all the flaws. Just the gross, fat loser who will never amount to anything. But when I feel disembodied, like I'm looking at someone else, I can see the pretty eyes, the perfectly shaped lips, the high cheekbones... I see a pretty girl who doesn't know she's pretty, and I want to make it better. I realize at this point it sounds like I'm contradicting the "no, I don't have DID" thing from earlier XD I don't know how else to describe the shit going on in my head, but it's not two identities. There's no loss of time, or blacking out. The only things that change now are the way I see my body, and apparently the way I speak, a little.

The same friend who asked if I have DID keeps half-joking that she gets gayer the older she gets. It finally hit me last time she said it that...yeah, me too. 😂 Only half the time, though. I went from always on the straighter end of pan to just... more and more into the D lmao. That used to be one of the signs that I'd switched. It's even how I explained it to my sister - "sometimes it's 'oooo Tom Hiddleston' and sometimes it's 'oooo Anne Hathaway.'" (this was like 4 years ago lol. I hadn't yet discovered just how unbelievably perfect Sebastian Stan is). I was always attracted to people regardless of gender, but with a strong leaning toward the opposite sex, if that makes any sense at all. Like, always into Tom and Anne, just Ali's more into Tom, and Josh is more into Anne. But for some reason, guys, I am getting gayer by the day lately lmao. I dunno if my tastes are shifting and I'm just more into dudes in general, or if I just keep discovering guys so undeniably, ridiculously hot that it just doesn't matter or what but... yeah. Fem or transmasc, doesn't matter. I'm always into Seb 😂

#life shit #rambling #hi i'm josh #still don't expect anyone to keep up #feel free to ignore

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p0publur · 4 years

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I wanna talk about genderswaps.

And what I want to talk about specifically is how I, personally, have found genderswaps to be a good way for people to explore their own identities. Yes, there are a lot of gross things that come out of genderswaps, but for me personally, I know I am not one of them.

Under the cut for a long, somewhat personal story. PLEASE DO NOT REBLOG.

When I first created Vel, she was a genderswap--I myself am a female bodied person. I was a tomboy for most of my life, and I always wanted to be considered one of the boys, but I obviously didn’t relate to having a male body. I loved Sonic the Hedgehog since 2002 and around 2009 I was getting into the idea of Sonic... but as a girl! Back then, I didn’t really know much about gender and trans-ness or being genderqueer or nonbinary. I had no idea about these things, just that I know that for myself, I didn’t relate to the idea of how a “girl” was.

I proceeded to design my ideal for Sonic--and that was Sonic, except female bodied, and using “she/her” pronouns. I was told that this was a genderswap, I found genderswaps to be a fun way for me to explore writing characters in a way that I could relate to, especially since for a very long time, the Sonic series has been lacking in diverse female character representation, and like there had been one tomboy in the series at the time, and she was hated by pretty much everybody except me (Marine the Raccoon).

I began to receive nasty messages about Velocity. “If she’s a girl, why doesn’t she have breasts?” or “You can’t tell she’s a girl! give her eyes like Rouge” or “why doesn’t she wear heels or have a huge ass?” I hated this, because I was like Of course she doesn’t have these things, Sonic doesn’t have these things! And then I’d get the messages “If you’re not going to make her look like a girl, then just play Sonic instead.”

I hated this, because I was like “Why would she have to change so much just to match YOUR idea of what a girl is? She’s still the same person! but I want to write her as a girl!”

I stuck to my guns--and she ended up getting a few fans. People would tell me “Thank god you don’t write her like other genderbends.” because I wanted to continue writing a CHARACTER, not some weird idea of what people thought.

When I found out that people were saying genderswaps were transphobic, I panicked. I had never ever used them as such, but I can see how the wording can sound like you can only choose between two things. I started to wonder, maybe I can just change the name! I saw posts that came down to “instead of writing a genderswap, just write a trans character!!” But I do not have any experience being mtf trans. I did not want to stress over and over about messing up representation that is so very important to people! I wanted Velocity to be female-bodied and I wanted her to use she/her pronouns, but I didn’t want to write her as some GROSS idea of what being a woman is to a bunch of cishet men!

It wasn’t until last year that I realized that I was genderqueer. I have been genderqueer my whole life but I didn’t know how to describe it until now. And Velocity helped me get there--but of course, I’d already made her blog.

I wanted her to mean something, I wanted her to be freeing for people. But I always feel a lot of stress when I write her and draw her... because I am not writing a character that is meaningful to me. I am constantly afraid of slipping up.

She’s not cis, she’s genderqueer like me, or maybe genderfluid is the better descriptor. I want to write her with the body that I am familiar with. I do not want people to label me as transphobic when I am ANYTHING but transphobic!! Figuring out who you are is a MESSY process and it’s not cut and dry!

Is it too late to change her? To write the character I want to write? A genderfluid she/her Sonic? Or will people take one look at her and go “Sonic but as a girl? This is a transphobic genderswap blog.”

I guess that’s a risk I’d have to take. It hurts, but this character is too important to me to just not play in the way that makes her meaningful to me.

Her personality wouldn’t change, her backstory would be adjusted quite a bit--but I would be writing her from how I’ve seen her these last eleven years--and I’d FINALLY feel like I was writing from a perspective I more so understood and wasn’t afraid of making mistakes with.

I hope that you guys can give me a chance.

#ooc ;;#(( i'm like. shaking as i type this up.#(( please give me the benefit of the doubt #(( i've been alive for 31 years and i am trying my best #(( i'm not a cishet dude writing a gross genderswap

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fotiathymos · 4 years

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do you have trans hcs for any other characters in promare? :0

I do! under cut cause im a TALKER whoops.

uhhh trigger warning that i do talk a bit about transphobia and unsupportive family.

I realize in my last post I didn’t mention it but Gueira and Meis aren’t cis!

Gueira was born intersex and doesn’t agree to calling himself cis or trans. He is proud to be intersex. (do know this is a fictional character and not all real life people who are intersex agree or disagree with calling themselves cis or trans.)

Gueira uses he/him pronouns but doesn’t strictly dress masculine. Really just a comfy clothes wearer.

Meis is trans genderfluid. Mostly uses they/them pronouns and has girl days or boy days sometimes where they can be more okay with she/her or he/him. Just leans into a mix usually. Actually doesn’t like being called Gueira’s boyfriend and rather ‘partner’. Gueira says it like a cowboy usually to make Meis giggle.

I do enjoy Ignis being an trans elder. (He is like 55 in my mind not 40 as i think canon states?) Ignis knew Galo was trans upon entering the job but of course did not out Galo to everyone. Galo isn’t secretive about being trans though. When Galo finds out Ignis is trans he cries happy tears and hugs him, making Ignis just a lil uncomfortable but not rejecting the hug.. hes got a reputation Galo.

I always had it in my head that Galo joined Burning Rescue and challenged all their thoughts on gender and etc. Considering they all grew up in a strict propaganda filled city some of them mightve just heard of terms but not thought about it too hard for..reasons. But then Galo comes into the work place being the ‘queer kid’ and wouldn’t take any bullshit. He grew up mostly by themself, discovered things on his own and does still feel that outward pressure to conform (esp with Kray, Galo is the most ‘passing as cis’ as he can be around Kray most times). So I thought mostly about everyone in BR were cis, not all of them straight but cis...bbuuutttt

Galo makes everyone question their thoughts on gender cause Galo is so open about his own and loves helping others. Galo does ‘mask’ themself sometimes and at first joining didn’t go full blown open. But one day Lucia needs a tampon and Galo had one in his bag and Lucia is like ‘um what?’ Galo goes casual and just ‘oh yeah.. i don’t need them anymore but its become habit to carry it around yaknow and you never know when it could come in handy!’

Lucia is the first to question if its okay to be non-binary lesbian, like maybe shes not entirely strictly ‘girl’. She’s loud and proud about being gay, lesbian flag above her desk, talks bout going to lesbian bars and wanting to just hold a girls hand. So she’s the first to feel okay enough to question herself gender wise.

Varys is that guy you might know in life who is just chill about everything. Galo comes out to Varys casually one day and Varys doesn’t linger on it at all. “Trans? Hell yeah! We still going out for bbq? Double hell yeah!” But he’s also a guy you never know whats going on in their head. He just remembers weirdly specific things you say sometimes and comes back at you with them later. Galo mentioned briefly that sunflowers remind him of his mother. Varys mails Galo sunflowers when Galo takes the day off on his mothers bday. Varys also randomly texts Galo ‘hey you know how youre trans, can i be like not always a man?’

Remi............................reMI UH. Remi is weird in my head. I feel hes that guy who just makes everything into a TMI or sex joke or just awkwardly flirts with everyone he becomes friendly with. Like just pushes the boundaries cause he thinks were friends now i can do this, without realizing hes over stepped them. That guy who thinks just cause your his friend now we can talk about sex casually. Hes quick to apologize when told off but still. I’m horrible I feel like Remi is that guy who’d consider him getting pegged by his girlfriend means he’s in with the lgbt crowd. He’s cis and comfortable with that and is confused by non-binary identities but won’t insult his coworkers and respect them. Eventually he’ll learn that just cause you are over 18 now, not everything in the world is related to sex. Idk if that made sense or if I threw him under the die-cis-scum buss too hard.

AND THEN THERE IS AINA.

Who... I adore. And even my head canons for her contrast and complement Galo like her story/character in the movie. So....shes trans.

We don’t get info about her family life but I’m assuming her sister raised her by herself and the parents weren’t in the picture. Aina came out to her sister right out of high school. Heris was starting college and working to provide for her and Aina. She flipped out on her and her words were ‘i dont care if youre a girl or a boy but those hormones can be pricey we dont have insurance you cant get surgery your too young, etc etc’ Unsupported in misreading the situation as an inconvenience to money and life and not the actuality of Aina just being herself and wanting to be honest about it.

Aina gets ignored as her sisters career and life revolves around a sudden job with the Foundation. But Heris has money now. And is “supportive” in giving Aina money. Pays for her HRT, doctor visits, therapy, and then eventually training to be in Burning Rescue. And Heris is adamant that Aina never, EVER tells anyone she’s trans. Sweeps up any possible info about that under the rug. Doesn’t want to be looked at with a bad eye from Foresight. What Heris feels is a safety measure for her family is what Aina sees as shame. Kinda reflecting how Heris in the movie sees that shes doing ‘all this for you, Aina’ only for it to be cruel and harmful directly to Aina.

Aina doesn’t know what drew her to Galo. He’s cute and nice and friendly. Maybe it’s a crush? He understands me and no one ever did. He respects me for me. “Youre you Aina and theres nothing wrong with that.” (I forget the exact quote) The words play in her head for the longest time. She never came out to Burning Rescue for fear, cause Heris said not to, cause its ‘inconvenient’. And suddenly Galo is loud and proud about being trans??? Should she be too??

Eventually she confides in Galo. Probably after the Parnassus events. She realizes she doesn’t have a crush and was just not use to someone being nice to her and accepting her. She eventually tells the rest of Burning Rescue. Finds out Ignis knew all along due to paperwork but just once again, Captain isn’t gonna out his team member.

And then finally during a late night movie sleepover. Galo’s like ‘you know we should hang the trans and non binary flag on the front of the station.’ Lucia goes ‘YEAH a big FUCK YOU to the Foundations normies!!!!’ Aina says ‘we should really run that past Captain first...’ Finally Ignis walks in, tilts down his sunglasses and says ‘I planned for this’ and unveils a flag that just says ‘fight the cis-tem’ and Galo and Lucia SCREAM. Only Galo knew Ignis was trans til that point..

I made a STORY damn.

I hope that wasn’t... too much... thank for reading.... ;u;/

#boop answers #boops hcs #WORDS #i gotta not look at a screen for a while im shakinG #Anonymous #boop merps

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a-whole-cosmo · 4 years

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First joined fic, Trans Louie

Blue is @midnight-fries

Green is @wxrm-pxddxng

Louie was nervous, his Uncle was really protective and he, from his inquieries, only knows Donald isn't against the rainbow community but never dared to ask "what if it was me"

He enters the room, tugging on his hoodie, preparing a backup plan for what if. what if's, always running through his mind.

A thousand miles per second. But he had to do this, he couldn't live to hide anymore. He brought his arm up, reassuring himself. It's fine, you rehearsed this before. To say he was nervous would be an understatement, Uncle Donald would be the first person he would be coming out to. He took a deep breath. He knocked.

"Uncle Donald? Can I come in?" He gulped. "I.. I gotta tell you something." He fiddled with the sleeves of his hoodie, waiting for his Uncle's green lights to enter.

Uncle Donald didn't respond, so maybe he didn't hear him?

"It's... It's just me. Good old Ly... You already know who."

Louie introduced himself shortly, hoping it was enough for his Uncle to recognize who he was. He needed to buy time.

"It's open. "

Donald replied. It was surprising how Louie could understand his voice, but he had years of listening to it so he and his siblings made it work. The green coded triplet walked into the room. Shorter steps than usual, but also slower.

The more time he took to get there, the more time he had to rehearse in his mind.

'Uncle Donald, I'm trans. This means that I experience a thing called gender dysphoria. It's probably hard to understand, but I trust you and basically, I want to be referred by Louie and he/him pronouns, please.'

He had this little speech prepared to the point he had written it down in his room multiple times until it was engraved in his mind.

Wait, did he throw that note away?

He didn't have time to think of that now as he was finally near Donald.

Donald already knew who it was, he just needed to buy himself some time.

Bills were stacking up, he was trying to find a way to pay them before owing people.

He didn't want Louie, out of them all, to find any, so he hid them, any trace of dept.

He had the time to stuff them all in a drawer before his kid came in.

Now, he had an idea as to what the youngest wanted to talk about, he saw how uncomfortable, well until he knew what the green one identified as, they got when they were addressed by feminine names or even their nickname.

Once he saw the way they were heading towards him, he knew he was right, he remembered his thoughts on the day he had to talk to his Uncle about it.

"Hi Sweetheart, take a seat." He said, patting the free space next to him in the hammock in case they didn't understand his vocal instructions. Looking up, Louie found himself shaking. He obliged his uncle's request with his help.

He found that he could barely breath, he wad there too soon, steps not short enough, his mind was blanked out from all he previously wanted to say, all that was there was an image of his Uncle hating him, he couldn't picture that but.. it was a possibility, he wanted to run, why did he think this was a good idea? It probably wasn't even true, did he really have to tell him?

His Uncle's voice broke through his thoughts, he felt himself being lifted and placed in a warm, parental embrace, it was comforting, he didn't know how he could live without it.

"Deep breaths honey, it's gonna be fine, you can tell me anything." His uncle whispered words of reassurance in his ears.

"You know there would be nothing you could say that could make me hate you, love." Louie didn't realize his eyes were shut until he opened them, looking directly into the honest eyes of his Uncle.

"I'm here to support you"

That was all Louie needed to hear. Maybe it was too much for the little duckling.

"I ju... just... justasecond"

Louie needed to collect his thoughts and stop himself from crying. A million scenarios of him getting kicked out or misgendered on purpose raced through his mind, even if the words of support he heard were comforting. The anxiety was overwhelming him.

Donald kept the embrace, like a father hugging his son for a while. Louie knew it was too late to turn back now. He just has to rip it off, like a bandaid.

"I'm... " "I.. " bandaid

"I'm a trans guy and please stop using my deadname!"

Louie blurted, quick and unexpected. He then put a hand over his mouth, and let out a muffled sob.

Donald was not surprised, but he was not expecting th-him to blurt it out like that, he couldn't blame him though, it was stressful to come out to somebody you love.

So many possibilities, good, bad, all the scenarios his kid.. his nephew had probably swarming through his head-His kid probably took his silence as punishment as he started rambling,

"Wait do you know what a transgender person is? Wait-no forget everything I said actually this was a bad idea-" "Honey, breath for a second, okay?" Donald cut him off. He put a hand on his head, ruffling his hair gently, his nephew, who he had to ask about his preferred name too, pushed his hand away out of instinct. Donald brought him in again, he knew he needed physical comfort when he was nervous, hugs, cuddles, even a single hand on his shoulder would help calming him down.

"I know what a transgender person is, and considering how accepting she was when I came out, I know your mother would be proud of you... I know I am." Donald felt him clutching his shirt, a wet stain forming where the youngest triplet's face was. Donald felt him lifting his face to look at him,

"when-when you? Oh my god, no way-" Donald chuckled, "What would you like me to call you by?"

"Louie!" Well, he must've thought about that a lot seeing how immediate his answer was.

"Well, Louie, I told you, there's nothing that you could say, do or be that would make me hate you, I'm so proud of you, love." He shifted his fingers through Louie's hair, bringing his thoughts into less of a spiral.

Louie smiled brightly, nearly not believing this turned out so well, he even knew something his siblings didn't know! Who woulda thought Uncle Donald was like him?

"Thank you, Da-Uncle- Uncle Donald, Thank you so much." He sniffled, God why did he have to be so emotional, he didn't know why it made him feel better when he saw his uncle tearing up as well.

"No problem, Louie..."

Honestly, Louie wanted to stay there for a while. The green nephew-, it felt so relieving to call himself that now, felt so nice and comfortable after he let that out.

That didn't match his expression though. He was sniffing and crying and it looked ugly but he didn't feel ugly and that was what was important to him.

He felt safe and in the weirdest way free. Free from something that had been building up for not even he remembers how long.

He still remembered the day he discovered the meaning of trans. He was on his phone as always, using it for information for once instead of doing anything else he usually did. That's when he came across the LGBT community. He had to admit for a while before he came out to himself he identified as genderfluid or non-binary, a form of repression for him, but not everyone uses it to repress.

For him it definitely was.

But that didn't feel right. The name he chose as non-binary stuck, but the pronouns just felt off to him, even though he wants to get used to them because they felt better than she.

Finally after debating and questioning his sexuality for months because, if he really was a boy why we're boys so cute and boys aren't supposed to love boys he heard from a teacher, which he learned was called a homophobe.

He finally figured it out.

And he was happy with the result.

Recalling the memory of when he stopped feeling wrong helped Louie calm himself down.

The last squeeze of his uncle and he released him.

"Thank.. Thank you, Uncle Donald.." Louie couldn't thank him enough, never. He hopped off of the hammock and Donald did the same. The bills will have to wait a bit longer.

"So, I guess this means that I have three nephews now?"

Donald asked in a fond voice, making his son nephew smile in return. Only for it to falter, because as soon as he opened the door he was greeted by his siblings, who were... smiling?

They both immediately tackled him in a hug, the three of them rolling on the ground for a bit. All of them erupted into a fit of laughter. "I have a brother!"

Dewey said in a joking manner, just trying to say something to signify that he was fine with it.

"Aww... My sweet nephews..."

Donald said fondly, but two of them didn't seem to find it that appealing to be called that.

The blue and the red one looked at him.

"Not exactly" "About that..."

They said, at the same time, different things, but with the same intention.

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theequeerstrian · 4 years

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So, I'm AFAB, which I was honestly... OKAY with for most of my life, I just thought I was an especially non-feminine one. I always rejected being called a "lady," rejected "girly" things, preferred to refer to myself as a tomboy. Always thought I was "not like other girls." Grew up, matured in my views a bit and really tried to embrace femininity because I felt I'd gotten a raw deal but didn't know how to articulate that. I read a lot of "girl power" sort of fiction, loved a mary sue, but still preferred the heroines who were less frilly, more gender nonconforming (though I didn't have that word), and felt some guilt in reading books / watching movies with male protagonists.

By late high school/ early college I found feminism, and started unpacking my internalized misogyny, which took years. By the time I finished college, I'd sort of placed myself in the position of "well, I've asked myself several times if I'm a man and I've always been pretty sure the answer is No, so i guess I'm just not a girly girl and that's fine." At this point I vaguely knew nonbinary existed, but everyone I knew who talked about being NBI was so sure, so unshakeable in the knowledge they had no gender or were a third gender, and I didn't feel any deep intrinsic rejection of my assigned gender. It took me until June 23, 2019 to really have my breakthrough. Early that month I'd discovered Good Omens and through it a fandom heavily populated by those who rejected their assigned gender, whether to embrace themself on the other end of the binary, or to find themselves apart from it. I met three enbies in particular with whom I became incredibly close and who I now count as some of my closest friends. For the first time, I felt able to ask questions about identities off the binary, and saw how they discussed the nbi characters on the show. That a character could comfortably present predominantly as their assigned or 'apparent' gender without dysphoria was something I'd never realized. That nonbinary could just be a lack of intrinsic attachment, rather than a deep felt reflection of the assigned, was a lighthouse in the fog. Still though, it wasn't until shortly after Magic City Con, where I went as Crowley and felt very uncomfortable with anyone addressing me as she/her in that form or referring to the costume as "gender bent" (it wasn't, I was screen accurate except for my body and length of hair, which he often had long hair) that the seed of realization took hold. A few days later at work, I was debating a coworker about gender; she was of the belief that gender and sex were inseparable (happily, she was teachable in the long run), and I was explaining that gender isn't so simple as that, and said almost word for word, "I felt really good presenting as masculine at the convention," and it was like a bomb had gone off in my brain. Silence, then static, then the lightbulb slowly came on as though on a dimmer switch. I remember staring at the coat of the dog I was helping to hold up (we were groomers), and just marinating over what I'd just said. That evening after getting home, I messaged my group chat of the three friends I'd made through Good Omens and told them, "I think I might be gender nonconforming." Even then I wasn't ready to fully claim NBI for myself, but they were all patient and kinda just... pulled me the rest of the way onto the life raft, as it were. Not forcefully, but acceptingly. Eventually, one of them let me know that they'd been accidentally referring to me as they/them at the convention (where we met) when mentioning "the Crowley cosplayer" to some of their friends, which warmed my heart like nothing else to find out. That I was Seen before I even knew myself meant so much.

I've played around in the identity pool these last few months, and these days I refer to myself as transmasc, and enjoy they/them and he/him pronouns. I plan to get on T and have both top and bottom surgery. I think once I've done all of that, I'll actually be more comfortable presenting as femme again, as presently it only reminds me of what I have no choice in looking like. Hell, someday I may even have prosthetic tiddies if I wanna cosplay a woman!

I've had people try to describe me as genderfluid because of my comfort with mixed presentation, but that's absolutely incorrect. I still feel absolutely zero attachment to any gender. For me, the binary genders are costumes I like wearing, and masc is the most comfortable right now.

In my ideal world, I would be automatically assumed genderless by anyone who addresses or refers to me. Since that's not likely in our current world, I'd rather be he'd than she'd. Again, because for latter reminds me of what was forced on me and takes away my choice in my present form.

So... that's where I'm at, for now. Have fun 🤣

I generally describe myself as one of the following

Nonbinary

Agender

Transmasc nonbinary

Nonbinary guy

An Experience

Demon

#gender #gender stuff #my gender journey #so far #nonbinary #nonbinary thoughts

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blacklacefanfics · 4 years

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nothing seems to make sense- rant on my sexual/romantic/gender identity, fanfiction, and a heteronormative world

I feel like whenever I seem to find some label or new identity that works for me, everything changes on me. I can’t figure out what I am or what I want or anything. (long rant post about self-identity)

All through my teenage years the idea of sex and stuff terrified me. I wasn’t interested in sexual pleasure or anything until I was 18 and actually tried stuff for myself.

Even then it only happened as an “on-needed” basis because I was still so averse to my own genitalia and luckily my libido was so low that it was hardly ever a problem. I remember when I was 10 years old and my mother explained periods to me, I cried the entire car ride home because it terrified me.

I did have crushes and stuff growing up, and I acted on them a lot (like admitting feelings to them) but nothing ever really came of it. But every time friends talked about sexual exploits I would get nauseated just from the mere mention. Like anxiety-nauseated.

I remember being 14 and finding out the word “bisexual” and deciding right then and there that it applied to me. I liked girls and guys and it made sense at the time. I just figured maybe I was a late-bloomer.

By the time I was like 22, I started looking into asexuality but it didn’t make sense. Because to be asexual you have to not experience sexual attraction at ALL. And I realized I had before- but it had been fictional characters and celebrities I was a fan of that caused me to be sexually attracted.

And even now as I’m thinking about it, I can’t really remember if I had experienced sexual attraction to anyone I had a crush on. Like, I can’t look at someone and say “I’m sexually attracted to them” unless... well, sometimes. I can rarely, I think. It’s almost always women I can be sexually attracted to without feeling connected to them first.

But my attraction has historically been mostly men, even if its been fictional or celebrity-based. Like I’ve been writing fanfiction for 10 years!!! I wrote and consumed a lot of sexual and kinky fanfiction that got my motor running, and I knew it was sexually driving to me. I am less interested in the sexual fanfiction than many other writers (I prefer nonsexual ones most of the time unless I’m “in the mood”) but still, I consumed it and it was safe and I was sexually interested. And it was only gay male fanfiction (even if they were written with vulvas) that made me interested. I just couldn’t connect to sapphic fanfiction for the life of me, which didn’t make sense to me because I thought I was a bisexual woman.

I came to the realization that I was nonbinary when I was 18. I didn’t really experience dysphoria 99% of the time because “feeling like a boy” only happened once in a blue moon. But it happened often enough (since I was 14) that I took notice and realized that I am genderfluid. I didn’t really bother with it except occasionally dressing more masculine and, eventually, cutting two feet off my hair. I didn’t even think about transitioning until I was 22, and I really didn’t want to before then.

Now I’m 24 and I’ve been on testosterone for exactly 14 weeks and 4 days. In September I realized and came out as a nonbinary trans man. My body seems to function better- I don’t know how exactly, but I can feel it. My hunger increased first, and then my libido. It’s like my nonexistent libido fucking skyrocketed and I feel “normal” amounts of sex drive.

I still haven’t had sex. I’m still scared, but its slightly less so. I’ve been putting pressure on myself for almost a decade now that I “should” be wanting sex and that I SHOULD have done it already. But I want to do it. But I also don’t. I don’t know, honestly.

I thought a while back that my feelings towards sex must have to do with me realizing I’m trans and that it has to do with bottom dysphoria. And I believe that has a good part of why I feel the way I do. That maybe if I was born AMAB I wouldn’t have these problems. But also now that I’m on testosterone, my bottom dysphoria has become less pressing and I realize the dysphoria is with the rest of me. So it can’t be part of it?

And then I realize that sometimes the feeling of being a woman comes back, once in a blue moon. Like how I felt when I first realized I was trans, but opposite. But this time I hate it because I don’t want to feel like a woman sometimes. So then my gender becomes another thing that I don’t know about, even though I feel happier and better on testosterone.

AND NOW I look back on my life and think about the “romantic interests” I had in life- was I really romantically interested?? Or was I just following how everyone else acted? But I remember having crushes as early as kindergarten. But even kids do what they think is “normal” so what if I was influenced?? I literally only chose the cutest guy in my class and “decided” I had a crush on him and then it became true because I decided it was.

A few years ago, I discovered the aspec/arospec communities and I try those terms too. But as soon as a new term feels like it fits, I feel like something from my past “proves” differently or something changes or I find someone I think is cute.

I find myself thinking that I am sexually attracted to personalities and not necessarily people. I mean, physicality is a HUGE part of it still for me, but I won’t find someone physically attractive until I know their personality. But I can still look at someone and think “they would be my type”- but how could I be demisexual, for example, if I know ahead of time that I could be attracted to someone? But also if I don’t like their personality, all attraction fades. So the personality does matter.

As far as arospec, I thought that would be no biggie for me. I had experienced crushes and romantic attraction I think. But like I said earlier, what if I’m wrong about myself?

I once talked to a friend about love and I told her that I don’t see why all the types of love are different. I don’t see where the lines blur for other people. I just either love someone or I don’t. And the more I love someone, the more intensely I want to be close to them. But also I love the idea of having a life partner or partners. I’ve also considered that maybe I’m just naive, because I have ADD and it’s known to cause emotional maturity to be delayed by about 4-5 years and MAYBE I really just wasn’t ready or mature enough to know.

The idea of relationships always freaked me out. Any time someone showed interest in me, it made me paralyzed with fear and I don’t know WHY. I always assumed that it was because they would expect sex from me, and the idea of sex paralyzed me as well, so it made me averse to relationships.

Then I thought that maybe I’m polyamorous and that feeling “stuck” with one partner scared me, because I need my freedom and room to breathe. And that maybe I need a triad or something to be happy.

And now maybe I need a queerplatonic relationship that I can be close to someone without the expectations that a heteronormative/allo-normative relationship have. But that can’t work either, because I might become comfortable enough to be romantically/sexually interested and then it wouldn’t exactly be queer-PLATONIC anymore, so that can’t work.

Every term I try seems to get close and I can’t find anything that hits the nail on the head that says “yes, this is me”. Asexual, aromantic, bisexual, biromantic, graysexual, demisexual, demiromantic, nebulasexual, omnisexual, panromantic, pansexual, abrosexual, abroromantic, NOTHING. I can’t seem to make anything work or fit for me because everything is too confusing and too much and I don’t know.

I don’t know myself. I don’t know what I want, or who I want, or when I might want whatever “it” is. I don’t like hating myself because I can’t figure it out. I don’t know what I want and it angers me. And I don’t know how to find myself.

#lgbt #lgbtq #aromantic #asexual #aspec #arospec #queer #bisexual #biromantic #pansexual #panromantic #demisexual #omnisexual #literally just tagging things that I have identified with #abrosexual #abroromantic #maybe someone could help me #its a scary world and i dont know how to fix myself

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canon-notcanon-warriorcats · 5 years

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Im gonna come to you for this because you're honestly like an idol to me (Im sure you hate to hear that lmao) and I feel like you would understand. You're non-binary right? I can't remember if you spoke about it but you use "they/them" pronouns and Im gonna assume that for the sake of the question. Either way! I've been questioning identifying as something other than cis-gendered. How did you know? And have you told people? What's the difference between relating to and empathizing with a problem

oh my god klsnalksm;lakdns;am i’m so honored thank you, but really i’m no one to idolize i’m an unemployed adult who is stuck in life who makes jokes and shit posts about fictional cats but thank you sidjk;lsz;

sorry this took so long to answer i was too tired and i wanted to think on it for a while so i can answer everything well and be at least hopefully a little organized and my answers/explanations to be legible

also this is getting long so i’m putting the rest of this under the cut wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

Yes! I am (at least partially) non-binary, I’m genderfluid and for me in particular I’m a girl sometimes, both a boy and a girl mixed together, and something in between all at once and at different times depending on who knows what, i’m like when you put soda in a cup and then put all of the different fountain drinks in at varying amounts and you do that each time you go to the restaurant but with different amounts of each soda, but like it’s USUALLY a pepsi base

anyway, it took me a long time to know, or i guess realize that i wasn’t cis because i guess i didn’t know i could? but in hindsight there were a LOT of signs and starting when i was 17 i think i started dipping my toes in different gender identities after i found out about the term “demigirl” and that’s what i kind of stuck with for a while

and then i questioned myself like am i really trans? i’m afab and identify as a demigirl does that really count (yes it does) but anyway after i went to college i was like no i think it’s just because several of my friends were questioning their gender, i’m a girl, and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that i finally FULLY realized “no, my gender is fluid, and i am a girl PLUS somethings between boy and girl and sometimes they all mixed together, sometimes all at once, sometimes individually (though very rarely FULL boy)

some things that i recognize in hindsight were signs (or were just weird foreshadows/coincidences of me being a mix of genders and it’s amusing now) include:

-when i was like 7 or 8 or 9 or something i made an image of what i’d look like as an adult in my head (or just older since in my fantasy i was 13 years old because that was obviously old enough to be a billionaire and own a castle and adopt children and a million animals and be a pokemon master, but i thought of an adult body) and my face was pretty feminine but my body shape was very masculine, flat chest, rectangular body shape, wore men-styled-ish jeans, and thickish arms

-in 7th grade for “some reason” i spent several moments thinking about what would happen if one day i came in as a boy named michael (since that’s kInD oF the “male” or “masculine” version of my name) and if like they’d recognize me or if they’d change my name on the registration or if anyone’d get confused or anything, this was also the year i found out that sex changes were a thing, i think, either 7th grade or 6th grade

-and the big one(s) for like my ENTIRE LIFE, even to this day, i would feel so confused if a girl talked to me like i was another one of the girls, specifically if they would like ask if their shirt tag was poking out and asking me to fix it, or ask if their bra strap could be seen through their shirt, asking me if their hair or clothes looked okay, asking to walk to the bathroom with them, GOING to the girls’ bathroom in general, chaning in the girls’ sometimes even being called a girl entirely, etc. made me feel

weird

like an “i’m not one of you” or “i’m not entirely like you” feeling and i thought that it was just because i’m awkward and shy and anxious that i went into the wrong room and then later oh i’m just gay and then to my realization: “oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh that’s why” and “oh, i was anxious i went into the wrong bathroom/changing room, but i also felt like i shouldn’t be in that room anyway because i’m not just a girl or not entirely a girl”

i also have and had a lot of dreams where like i was either a guy, felt almost genderless entirely, or where i would for some reason go into male bathrooms/changing rooms even though i’m not a guy (entirely or mostly)

also i i realized my favorite shirts were the ones that made my boobs look smaller or less existent, my voice would confuse me, either it being too high or low and make me confused uncomfortable because it “didn’t fit” my gender, and sometimes being called a girl or someone saying i looked like a woman made and makes me uncomfortable, and i guess the most nsfw/graphic part of this is that sometimes i fantasize and/or wish i had like

a mix of genitalia and i wish i could change my breast size and upper body shape to be flatter/more rectangular, but it’s mostly the genitalia thing, the body shape changing parts don’t happen ALL the time and not as much, but still sometimes especially if i see someone’s more masculine body and i’m just like “wow i wish that were me”, though being overweight kind of helps in that because my body shape looks more neutral, if i was thin i might have more problems with that

also, especially lately for some reason i get very irritated or uncomfortable if certain people call me a girl or she/her, very certain people i’m okay with calling me a girl and she/her but to people i don’t know well or aren’t super close to i don’t want to be referred to as she/her i don’t want to be perceived as she/her i want to be referred to as they/them

a lot of people have much more intense feelings and it’s more obvious, but they can often times be a lot more subtle and it’s okay if you don’t have INTENSE feelings of dysphoria, there’s also gender euphoria, which i think i, personally, experience more than dysphoria

i like it when people act or refer to me gender neutrally, i like it when my chest looks flatter, i like it when people use they/them for me, i like it when i feel content about knowing that i’m not cis and that i’m a mix of genders, i like thinking of myself as a gender mutt/mix or whatever, it feels GOOD, euphoric

i guess it’s hard to tell if you’re empathizing or relating, and i can’t tell you which one it is since i don’t know the particulars and i don’t know you, but what i DO know, is like 99% of time, if someone has to ask themselves “am i cis?” or “am i straight?” the answer is “no” because cis or straight people almost never even think about it or question their identity and even if the answer DOES end up being “yes, i am cis” then that’s absolutely perfectly completely valid and fine, you figured out who you are and you were in a mindset and in a safe enough space that you could figure it out for yourself and find out more about yourself

and finally, as for the telling people thing, it depends on the situation, i don’t really talk about it in real life, none of my biological family knows because my parents have shown pretty transphobic and nbphobic tendencies and if i told my brother or his fiancee then they’d start treating it like it’s some special thing and basically do that straight people thing where they like overcompensate being happy for you or supporting you or where they start talking about their other friends who aren’t straight or aren’t cis and famous people or characters that aren’t cis or straight and like i can’t deal with that

all of my friends know though, and i’m open about online and i don’t have any significant other(s) to tell but if/when i get in a relationship and on dating apps i’m explicit that i’m non-binary and genderfluid and basically not cis and before i get in a relationship i plan on talking to them about it and being like “hey if you see me as a cis girl this will not work out” they’ll also have to respect my sexuality of course and see me AS bisexual and demiacearo, not straight if i’m dating a guy and not a lesbian if i’m dating a girl, never date someone who doesn’t respect your gender or identity or doesn’t see you as who you are, or won’t let you have some wiggle room to let you figure out who you are, so that’s an extra piece of advice there for ya

i hope that made enough sense! sorry this was long and i might have blabbered on, but i hope at least some of this helps!

#not warrior cats #Anonymous #gender #sexuality

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aparecium-hq · 4 years

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Name: Teddy Lupin Birthday (Age): April 10, 1998 (29) Gender (Pronouns): Genderfluid (He/Him, They/Them) Blood Status: Halfblood, Part-Werewolf Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff Occupation: Ministry Cursebreaker Faceclaim: Avan Jogia

Character Teaser

Teddy grew up with a certain level of confidence in themself. They were loved by many and had a big extended family thanks to their godfather, but it was Bill Weasley they truly adored. Bill understood their slight werewolf tendencies, and Teddy grew up wanting to emulate him. Still, when they dated Victoire, it had nothing to do with family, and the two shared half a decade together. Then Victoire realized she was pregnant. It wasn’t ideal, but Teddy promised her they would be a good dad. Alaina was one of the best things Teddy could have asked for, but now she’s starting primary school, they look around and realize their twenties are almost over. Somehow Teddy has started settling down, and they don’t know how to feel about it.

Feelings on Magical Integration

Partially to prove he could, Teddy used to spent a lot of time around muggles in his late teens and early twenties. He was perfectly poised to make the transition to computers at Gringotts with ease, and while he’s not a loud voice campaigning to continue magical integration, he is all for it. He carries a smartphone for work and plays video games in his down time. He’s a metamorphmagus; adapting is what he does.

Biography

Considering how much of an impact the war had on his early life, Teddy tried not to think about it much. People asked him his opinion sometimes, especially on anniversaries, but how could Teddy have an opinion? He’d been far too young to remember it. Plus, it was the reason he had no parents. And that was a struggle Teddy tried not to dwell on. He tried not to think about how unfair it was. Some people occasionally commented that it made him like Uncle Harry, but even as a child, Teddy had known what a crappy similarity that was to have. He didn’t want to be in a “dead parents club.” He wanted to have parents.

Surprisingly it was Bill Weasley who managed to get through to Teddy in some of his darkest moments. They had a club too: “werewolves but not.” For both of them, it meant a preference for rare meat. For Teddy–he finally admitted to Bill at age fourteen–it meant sleepless, agitated nights on the full moon. Teddy didn’t transform or anything like that, but he felt the pull. He felt the wilderness under his skin, even if it didn’t have the control to break to the surface. At first, Teddy had feared that Bill would call him a monster, but instead Bill had just sat Teddy down and told him the story of a man who laid out the struggles of his condition and his own battles with self-acceptance. He’d encouraged Bill to rely on the people who loved him because they’d see his value even on the days he might not. Bill might not have actually transformed, but it didn’t stop Teddy’s father from making sure he knew his value. Teddy had cried and held Bill into a tight hug until he’d stopped. Even as an adult, Teddy still dons long red Weasley hair every full moon.

During the latter part of Teddy’s teens, they realized their identity didn’t quite fit male. Teddy hadn’t ever thought much about it because they could change their appearance at will anyway. They didn’t tend to make extreme changes to their body very often, preferring to keep the natural skin tone inherited from their father and their fairly average height from their mother. The shape of their body also wasn’t much of an issue for Teddy, although he changed it on occasion. It was actually while transformed somewhat and dolled up for a drag show put on by the Hufflepuff prefects his fifth year that Teddy first realized how poorly the label male fit. He liked the way he looked and the clothing he was in, but it was “she” from other students that really gave him pause. He eventually would decide it fit less well than “he” or “they” but that he didn’t ultimately mind; in that moment, though, Teddy realized there might be something to it. Some days he felt more masculine than others. Some days he thought being a guy fit and some days it didn’t. He learned the term genderfluid and decided it fit as well as anything probably ever would. Overall, they’re not bothered by it. Thanks to their appearance, everything about Teddy had always been a bit fluid anyway.

At Hogwarts and in their later twenties, that fluidity applied to Teddy’s love life too, but one person changed that for Teddy. Victoire went from a friend to something else before Teddy really had time to think about it, but she wanted to be their girlfriend. Teddy was fine with a label on it, especially when everyone else found out and just assumed. Teddy liked being her boyfriend too. It’s one of the few labels that felt nice: being Victoire’s boyfriend. They’re not entirely sure what happened. Well, they know a few things that might have contributed, but at least it was amicable enough of a split. Victoire’s family—who were awkwardly almost as much theirs as hers—had a hard time adjusting.

When Victoire told Teddy she was pregnant, they promised to be exactly what she needed. With a dry mouth, they waited for her to tell them to marry her. Bless her, Victoire didn’t. Instead they formed something in between a friendship and a relationship, closer some days than others, but Teddy thought they made it work splendidly. He was there when Alaina came into the world, and he’s been there as much as possible for his daughter along the way. The last five years have been more amazing than Teddy could have ever imagined. It might not mark pace with most people’s standards of success, but Teddy wouldn’t trade a minute of the messiness.

Connections

Victoire Weasley: Teddy’s ex-girlfriend and the mother of their child. The two are amicable now, and as far as Teddy is concerned, they’re almost like real friends again.

Alessi Zabini: Their friendship is somewhat new but seems on positive footing. At least it would be if Teddy could just figure out how to help Alessi understand why integration wouldn’t be a bad thing.

Jesmyn James: When Jesmyn and Teddy first partnered together on a project at work, Teddy didn’t realize how much he was going to enjoy it. Whenever he has a relevant problem now, he goes to Jesmyn.

Teddy is played by Beth.

#character bio #teddy lupin #halfblood #part-creature #hufflepuff #integrationist #taken

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the-transfox · 4 years

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A “Quick” History

I’m gonna put a “keep reading” thing so I don’t clog anyone’s dash or anything, depending on how long this gets. This is basically just a quick background info on my history regarding my gender and related topics.

I’ve never really liked being feminine. Hated dresses, hated makeup, hated showing any amount of my skin, overall just... the entire idea was not my thing. The most feminine thing about me for a long time was my long hair - before I cut it, it had grown down to being an inch or two past my hips. I felt kind of... pressured, to be more feminine at times. I can only recall 2 times I wore a dress - and both times were for other people, and not me, and both times I was intensely uncomfortable and wanted to get out of it immediately. Not that everything about me is intensely anti-feminine - more recently, sometime during the time I was genderfluid (I’ll get to that in a bit), I got black lipstick. I wanted it for the aesthetic - and I only wore it once, and, again, for another person. It’s just sitting around my desk area now, waiting to be used, but never will again as far as I’m concerned. I’ve always been more of a tomboy.

When I was younger, I used to do these kind of IRL roleplay things with one of my best friends at the time. It was edgy shit, where we’d both pretend to be creepy pasta characters and the like and had this whole storyline going on and all sorts of made up drama with the characters. An... overwhelming majority of the characters I chose to act out and represent at the time were all males. I’ve always loved writing males and acting like a male - females were just... hard, for some reason. Always have been, really, even though I am biologically female. One of my favorites to do was the Jeff the Killer, obviously. He was my default, and it just felt natural, almost. It was more fun to do male characters. Hell, my first OC I ever made was a male. It makes a lot more sense now to me, looking back on it. In some cases, in more recent years, I’ve felt like I needed to go with making the character female. And I do have a lot of female OCs, don’t get me wrong. Anyway, with characters such as Coral (one of my sonas; used her often in an IRL roleplay after the former friend moved away and I moved on with another best friend) I felt like I needed to make her female, to... match my friend’s sona, Frost. I wish I hadn’t, now, but whatever. The past is in the past.

Speaking of the past, I’m a believer of past lives. And 99.9% of them are all male. Out of all of my past lives, I can only recall 2 humanoid (saying this because one was an anthro rat) lives that had female genders, and one more that was female though I don’t count because it was the life of a bengal tiger and bengal tigers don’t exactly go by pronouns so there wasn’t a whole lot of gender identity going on there in the first place. It feels natural to have male past lives, and a little... off, to have female ones. Every time I trigger a memory of a male past life, think about it, or talk about it, I used to only subconsciously refer to myself as male - though it felt great. It felt normal. My dumb fucking ass didn’t get a clue that this meant anything about my current gender identity until recently.

Sometime during my phase where I played Transformice more often, I made a separate account where I listed my gender as “male”, as an... experiment, of sorts. Wanted to see what it was like when other people thought I was a guy. I only really used the account for a single day, the day I made it, though that was enough time for me to meet people and interact. I absolutely loved it, though it didn’t occur to me afterwards for a long, long time to even think about what that meant. An embarrassing amount of time, honestly. I found my gender identity and it smacked me in the face and my response had been just “Cool, I’mma go back to being called she/her now”. Big dumbass energy, right here

Sometime in the summer/no later than early autumn of 2019 (my sense of time is... not the best, honestly) I considered becoming genderfluid. After all, I’d started to realize maybe it wasn’t so bad to go by male pronouns. Considered it a test run, of sorts. It was still primarily she/her, but online I gave people the option to call me he/him. Not many people did, but I liked the idea. It made the whole ‘internal male pronouns and identity during past lives shit’ make more sense to me at the time. In early December of 2019, I had the realization. The realization that I actually preferred male pronouns, and the idea of being male was... a lot better, than being female, or even a mix of both. It felt like me. Like it fit. My dumb ass finally figured it out, and luckily the genderfluid thing didn’t drag on for years. Since the switch to male pronouns its still a rare occurrence anybody’s actually used my new pronouns and I’ve heard it (I’ve come out to everyone I know online, though only friends in real life), though one time I was called ‘he’ irl in front of me and it made me feel great. Like a small “yeah... yeah, that’s me.” Not everyone has been completely accepting (like the person I consider my best friend - she’d responded kind of... oddly, when I came out, and said she’d been confused, and openly said that biological sex and gender are the same thing today) but I don’t really care all that much. They’ll learn to accept it if they want to keep me as a friend - or at least tolerate it. If they can’t, then I can’t go through the trouble of keeping them as a friend. One of my friends has been so supportive and it’s been delightful.

Backtracking a little, I realize I forgot to mention the fact that I hate my body. It’s not mine - or at least, it’s not one I want. Every time I think about my past lives I want to go back and have that body again. I want to be a skeleton monster again. I want to be a dragon again. I don’t want to be a weak, pathetic, human female who’s body won’t even gain weight no matter how much I eat or try, and whose throat is actively trying to tear holes in itself. And I’ve never been satisfied with the fact that its female. On a related note, I have the fear of penetration - it’s just... wrong, for anything to go inside of me down there. It should be the opposite. I miss having a cock - I wouldn’t have to worry about this anymore. Wouldn’t have to worry about something going inside of me, or having to be expected to push a fucking disgusting baby out of me. It’s frustrating.

I also feel like I realized I was transgender too late to be valid. I’ve seen so many stories (like Sam Collins) where they realized when they were tiny kids, and... what if that’s what it should be like? What if I’m wrong? What if you’re supposed to know before you’re even a teenager? So many people have realized before then, though some have realized later, and some say you can realize at any age. I just... don’t know. Anyway, that’s about it, I think - if I forgot anything, I’ll make another thing to tack onto this. Feel free to ask me questions.

#transgender #trans #transman #trans man #ftm

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neurodiversenerd · 5 years

Text

I'm A Nonbinary Girl.

Tw: mention of transphobia and depression

Hey guys, obligatory coming out post for wrath month.

I want to be honest with all of you and say I'm a nonbinary girl.

I'm autistic, so I already feel some disconnect with my assigned sex because a lot of gender is social. Most of you already know that sense of gender is internal, so it would make sense that I'd feel this way when my brain is already non normative. A lot of autistic AFAB people like myself have shared similar feelings in their testimonies in the book Aspergirls by Rudy Simone.

I'm not sure if I always felt nonbinary. When I was really young, I loved being a girl. I wanted to be a princess and wear only dresses, and I didn't mind fitting into that box. For a while, I never thought about my gender. I was just a girl.

When I was 12, I realized that I liked girls. I had been bullied when I was younger, before I came out, because people perceived me as queer. I was terrified. I'd only recently learned that being gay was acceptable and not something to be feared, and I didn't know how to think of myself. My whole life I'd fit into gender norms and now I was the one thing girls weren't supposed to be.

I learned more about queer culture, about how people perceived women who love other women, and the summer before seventh grade I made a choice. I chopped off my hair and went into school with a pixie cut. Being seen as queer was my choice this time.

And I realized that I loved being seen this way. I loved being androgynous yet still feminine. I loved looking pretty but looking butchy too. It was the first real time I'd stepped out of gender norms.

In eighth grade and late seventh grade, I learned about nonbinary genders. I had never thought before that it was possible to have multiple genders, have none, or maybe even have one in between or even completely outside boy or girl. I met out nonbinary people there and unlearned a lot of really toxic and transphobic myths.

At first, I didn't really think their labels applied to me. But when I tried to picture my gender identity at the end of the year, if only out of curiosity, I saw it as a rectangle filled with mostly pink with a little purple on the bottom. A girl, but not quite.

That summer, my parents signed me up for a music camp. It wasn't just an ordinary music camp. It was specifically for girls and gender nonconforming people, and we learned how to play rock music in assigned bands. On the first day, we got lanyards with our name on it, and the leaders of the camp told us we had to choose pronoun buttons.

i don't know why, but I panicked. What was I supposed to pick? I felt uncomfortable using just she, but felt like a faker if I chose they. I ended up getting both buttons. It felt right for a few days until I turned it back into the staff when it stopped feeling right.

But that should've been the end of it.

i still had feelings that I was mostly a girl, but not quite. On occasions, I would see myself as fully female. I would be okay with only she, and knowing I was a woman. On other days, I felt more androgynous.

In ninth grade, the feelings kicked in again. This time, I had real dysphoria for the first time. During the first semester I tried to make my voice sound deeper and I wore clothes that made my chest less obvious. I didn't like my curves, or my femininity. I tied my hair up in hopes that I would look more masculine.

i thought for a while I might be a trans boy or genderfluid. Sometimes, being a girl was alright. But others, I couldn't stand it. Even then, I got those feelings. You know the ones. Almost a girl. But not exactly.

During winter break that year, I was really depressed. I wanted so badly not to be a girl anymore, but I didn't come out or commit to a label because I worried that I was faking. That I was only doing harm to actual trans and nonbinary people. That I was being cringy and that I was a girl looking for attention by feigning being trans.

My dysphoria faded, but when kids at my school asked for my pronouns I told them any would work. Sometimes my dysphoria would come back. Later that year, I realized I liked the label genderfluid best, and began to love my masculinity and my femininity. Strangely enough, I felt that I almost became more feminine because I hadn't really embraced that in a long time. On my masculine days, sometimes wearing a dress gave me the best feeling.

I came out to a couple friends, and began to look at more genderfluid pride posts. At the local queer pride dance, I made a button for myself. The genderfluid pride flag was the pattern.

At that dance, I encountered a demigirl. I'd met them before at a different event. They wore dresses and had long hair, but they used gender neutral pronouns. I liked the idea of that. Being femne, but not necessarily female.

I never did come out as genderfluid to more than a few people. Over the summer, before tenth grade, I decided again that being a girl was fine. I was cis, I told myself.

But someone in my family came out, or attempted to come out, as nonbinary. This person was not me. Some of my family reacted pretty badly, and told them not to use labels and that they were really cis and looking for attention. They thought nonbinary people were special snowflakes who just wanted to be better than everybody.They thought the whole concept of a third gender was too far.

I got really depressed again. I told myself that since I'd introduced that person to the possibility, it was my fault they were nonbinary and that it was my fault they had dysphoria. I should've been mad at some of my family members for being transphobic instead.

I got through it, and the start of the second semester was a lot better. A few months later, I started using they/them pronouns. I liked it. It felt right. I only really stopped because I got insecure, and the whole faking worry came back. Apparently I seemed pretty androgynous, because some boy called me an it on the bus. I told him I was a girl, but to be honest, I didn't mind.

At the end of the year, I was pretty much sure of what label I would use. Nonbinary girl. I'd first heard of it when Rebecca Sugar came out, and I was surprised that was something you could identify as.

i chose the label I did because I feel that I am a girl, but mostly. Like I'm a woman and another identity at once. My nonbinary identity is less pronounced than my feminine one but it's definitely there. You could probably call me bigender if you wanted to. There are times I fully feel like a cis woman, but most of the time nonbinary girl fits. I guess that technically makes me fluid or flux. I don't want too many labels, though, so nonbinary girl is fine. I don't like being called just nonbinary because femininity is still a core part of me.

I'm now 16 and headed to my junior year of high school. I don't plan on coming out to my family, but I will switch my pronouns from just she to both she and they.

I am a nonbinary girl. I am a lesbian.

This might change later, or I might decide I don't like to identify like this anymore. But this is who I feel that I am. I've spent so long feeling guilty, worrying that I was a trender, and being anxious about which label that I ignored my truth.

It's taken years to find, but here it is.

I'm a Nonbinary Girl.

#nonbinary #nonbinary girl #femme #enby #coming out #tw depression #tw transphobia #lgbt #Queer #lesbian #nonbinary lesbian #pride #my story #long post #text post #personal

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hetalia-text-messages · 5 years

Text

Psst, hey you

Yeah, you! Are you trans? Where do you live? America, England, France, Portugal, Sweden, somewhere like that? I need to tell you something.

Leelah Alcorn died when I was fourteen years old. I had my doubts of my gender at fourteen years old. Her story angered me. Not because she was trans, of course not, but because she had to go through that. I knew it wasn’t right, but why did I care so much? How did it affect me? I already knew I wasn’t as straight as I thought I was, and I cared about the LGBT+ community (transfolk are a part of it fucking fight me) because I was one of them. I know I would’ve cared even if I was straight because I’m a “caring person” according to other people or something, whatever helps them sleep at night.

I saw Leelah as someone like me in a way. Sure, sexuality and gender are completely different things, but they’re grouped together a lot. I thought about my life up until that point. I wasn’t like some of the “typical” girls, I had a toy toolbox full of tools and I loved insects. Nothing wrong with that, that alone doesn’t make someone a boy or a lesbian or something. I had “girly things” too, but it was always great to just find worms and race snails and hold frogs and raise their tadpoles and get dirty outside.

I thought “damn I really am a tomboy aren’t I lol”, but it didn’t seem right. That wasn’t the right word for it, I needed something else. I can’t remember the first time I actually heard the term “transgender”, since my family didn’t really teach me about sexualities and genders. It was when I made hetalia-text-messages and got a couple trans requests that I broadened my knowledge. You guys are the ones who taught me.

I had a fleeting thought that maybe if I were a boy my name would be Adam or something. I pretended I didn’t think about it a lot. I lied to myself and other people for years about my real feelings. I wrote a fanfic with a trans character after doing a lot of research because you can’t afford to get a single thing wrong when dealing with sensitive topics like this. My story was praised, even though it probably wasn’t that great.

I was a Freshman in the GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) Club when I was told an acquaintance wasn’t Cindy (not real name changed it for privacy) anymore, he was Michael (also not real). I was curious but too scared to ask, plus it seemed rude. I just nodded and tried my best to remember. It didn’t take long at all and I rarely slipped up. It seemed so easy to switch between the names and pronouns.

An old crush of mine from middle school (who came out as gay in the eighth grade) said they were genderfluid next, and to call them a different name. I had to look that one up. I ran into them a couple weeks ago after years of not seeing them. They looked happy and recognized me right away. I’m glad.

So I gradually began just...hating what I saw. I don’t have the largest chest, so I thought I’d be upset about that. I got upset because they weren’t even smaller. That seemed odd. Yeah, some girls were uncomfortable that they were bigger than they wanted, but this felt different. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. I’ve never really found myself attractive or loved my body image, so shoving some new thing that I later found out was gender dysphoria on top of that made it worse and confusing.

TMI warning, it’s a little embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t realize how little I knew until I only JUST RECENTLY found out what a dick looks like. I’m not kidding, seriously. I had never watched porn or looked at real pictures because that thought was dirty. I didn’t want one of those down there, but I didn’t really want what I had currently either.

I voiced my concerns to my friend once, who told me I may just be confused and tumblr was getting to me. I agreed and pushed it as far back into my mind as possible, so far I forgot it almost entirely. It wasn’t the best thing to do, but I was scared. I act like things don’t scare me, but nothing scared me more than thinking I was wrong.

More trans requests came in, I even made hetalia-trans-text-messages for them. Someone asked me if I was trans after I did so many, and I said no. I was lying through my fucking teeth and I probably knew it. I’m sorry I lied. I lost interest in what I was doing with the blogs and stopped ignoring the thought. I came out very publicly on the main blog at seventeen years old, I believe. One friend, Allen, already knew since he was going through the same thing, but that’s how the other friend from earlier found out because I was too much of a coward to tell her. She accepted me. My third friend never truly did, but he pretends.

It was December of that year when I decided to start the process of transitioning. I was eighteen when I got a pixie cut, surprising my parents. Around Christmas I was trying to come up with a name. I wasn’t really feeling Adam anymore, and definitely not Anna. I don’t HATE my birth name, it’s just Anna is a little more girly than I liked. I settled on Aaron after the Key and Peele video Substitute Teacher, then moved on to my middle name. It starts with a D, and there didn’t seem to be any good ones out there.

“I’ve changed my name a couple times so you don’t have to necessarily decide right now,” Allen told me.

I knew very well and just started to think about The Beatles instead. A lot of people hated Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da, but I thought it was a fun and catchy song that I loved to sing. Desmond has a barrow in the marketplace, Molly is the...

Wait.

“Aaron Desmond.” It was late at night, and no one heard me. “My name is Aaron Desmond.”

You probably saw that I eventually came all the way out since I was freaking out so badly on here, ha. I wasn’t ashamed of who I was, I was a boy. I got a binder and “male” clothes. I think about testosterone a lot as well as legally changing my name, and top surgery. Bottom surgery not so much, I’m young and have time to think about it. Dicks are still kinda weird. I’ve been using the men’s bathroom in public, it’s a lot easier than I expected. Just act like you belong there and no one says anything for the brief moment they see you.

I asked about the countries in the beginning because there are certain ways this topic is viewed. No matter where you are, no matter what laws or rules the place has, YOU ARE VALID. You are valid, and that’s all there is to it. Other people don’t have the right to tell you how you’re supposed to feel, only YOU know how to feel. It’s your damn business and anyone who incorrects you is a jerkface. And I can wear makeup and the occasional dress if I want to because that’s how I roll and that doesn’t make me a girl.

Leelah Alcorn, you helped me discover who I am, and I am grateful. I just wish it didn’t take your death for me to realize all of this. You’re beautiful, Leelah. You look better than me when I was a girl. Rest in peace.

I’ve talked long enough, just know I’m always cheering for you guys. You’re safe here. I want you to know that. You’re all beautiful. You MATTER. Listen to me, you fucking matter. YOU FUCKING MATTER, YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS OR WRONG OR BROKEN. You matter to me, and I hope for some that’s enough. There’s no dumb reason to keep going, they’re all important because you are alive.

You will be found.

#It’s almost five in the morning so I’m gonna sleep #but seriously guys you’re all incredible #I want you to know that #transgender #trans

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schrijverr · 5 years

Text

Dead Bride

When they get kidnapped it all goed differently. Nathan says he is the cop and gets murdered with a chainsaw. When he comes to he is put in the weddingdress that Kelly had been wearing. He had already been struggling with his gender and a comment from Curtis makes Nathan snap. Kelly and Simon go after him and in the end all five make up. It's sweet!

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: A bit negative about Queerness, but it gets resolved! Angst with happy ending.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You need to tell him you’re the undercover cop” Simon hissed to him, “If he kills you it doesn’t matter.”

“Well, that’s easy for you to say,” Nathan snapped, “You’re not the one who has to be dismembered with a chainsaw.”

Simon shot him an intense look and Nathan rolled his eyes. “Sheez, fine.” he mumbled and then louder he said: “I’m him, I’m the undercover cop.”

The guy stopped advancing on Alisha and turned to him. He pulled him down to the ground and started up his chainsaw. Nathan knew he would survive this, but he also didn’t want it to happen, so he did what anyone would have done, he begged: “Please, you don’t have to do this. I can become a crooked cop, like do stuff for you. I don’t know, just don’t dismember me, please.”

He couldn’t see the others, but he heard Nikki say: “Why did he do that? Why aren’t you stopping him, this, it!”

And after that he heard Curtis tell her he is immortal and this is the best way to get out of here without anyone getting hurt. Yeah, sure, like he isn’t about to get very hurt. The guy doesn’t think about his words, just approaches with the chainsaw. “If you don’t want to be mentally scared forever, I’d recommend turning away.” he yelled over his shoulder.

He couldn’t check if anyone listened to him, because he received the first blow with the chainsaw. He screamed in agony for a hot second, before the darkness of death took him away.

When he came to he was met with five concerned faces from above. He waved at them and stretched a bit before sitting up and taking himself in. His orange jumpsuit was completely thorn up and bloodied and he felt very naked. He realized that he should probably make a joke or something to ease the others worries. He said: “Were you all watching me, naked, on the ground. I may be handsome, but that’s just freaky, ya perverts.”

He grinned widely as some rolled their eyes. “Are you gonna fucking help us or what?” Curtis said.

Nathan jumped up and let them all down. They were all stretching and rolling their muscles when Nathan said: “Does anyone have some clothes? I don’t want more community serves for public nudity.”

“Oh, yeah, wait you can have this.” Kelly said while pointing at the dress she was wearing.

Scandalized Nathan exclaimed: “I’m not wearing a wedding dress!” but as he said that he thought, I would like to wear that, no stop, she might hear you, idiot! … It looks very pretty, though.

Kelly looked at him with a suspicious glance, she had said it as a joke intending to give him her normal clothes after they had a laugh at him, but then she heard his thoughts. It seemed like he wanted to, but didn’t want anyone to know. She might have thought he was a dick, but they were close friends and she would never make fun of him for something he was really ashamed of. “Then you can be naked. I hate this dress and the fact that that weird dude made me wear it. I’m taking this off and I’m not spending another moment in it. You can be naked or wear the fucking dress, yeah.” she said.

Nathan frowned unsure of what to do. On one hand he really wanted to and she had given him a good reason to do it, but on the other hand he was scared of what everyone would think and he had a reputation as a dick to uphold. It was Alisha who made the decision for him in the end. Kelly was out of the dress and Alisha pushed it in his hands and said: “Just put the fucking dress on, it’s not the end of the world.”

He sighed dramatically, but was grateful on the inside as he put it on. It was softer than he was expecting and it felt nice. He felt ashamed that he thought that, but he had always been drawn to womens clothing. For a while he had played with the thought that he might be a girl, but he had dismissed that when he was looking for terms for that. He had also considered other labels like genderfluid or gender-neutral, but none of it fit. He was just a boy who thought womens clothing were nicer than mens and wondered how it would be to wear a skirt, a dress, some make up or heels, like a freak. He didn’t really have time to ravel in the feeling of wearing the dress, because the others were already walking out, so he hurried after them, ignoring the giddy feeling in his chest.

As they were walking down the streets Nathan kept his head down while the others were discussing what to do now. Curtis and Simon wanted to go after the guy, but the girls agreed that it wasn’t their business now that he had finally left them alone. “What do you think, Nathan? You’ve been kind of quiet.” Kelly asked.

Nathan shrugged and said: “If people hear my suave and manly voice they will look, besides I already died horrible once, I do not need that another time.”

“What does that matter. You’re immortal.” Curtis said.

Nathan rolled his eyes and said: “Yeah, I know that. I get murdered a lot if you hadn’t noticed, but just because I come back doesn’t mean it doesn’t fucking hurt like a bitch. You try getting your bones sawed in pieces, it’s not fun, dickhead.”

Curtis laughed a bit while looking a bit guilty. “What’s so funny, asshole.” Nathan snapped defensively. He hadn’t lied when he said it hurt, and it hurt even more that they didn’t seem to care how much dying hurt him.

“It’s nothing, just hard to take you seriously in that ridiculous dress.” Curtis chuckled, next to him Alisha nodded with a smirk, Nikki too, though she didn’t even know him.

Nathans heart dropped to his balls and the giddy feeling he had earlier disappeared as if a bubble had been burst in his chest as they laughed. He felt tears burning in his eyes, but he didn’t let it show. He knew this would happen, he knew they would laugh, would think he was weird and it wasn’t even his own choice. Angrily he yelled: “Well fuck you too. It’s not like I wanted to be in this dress, twat. I’m sorry my appearance stops you form taking me serious as I tell you it fucking hurts and it’s not fun to die, you fucking asshole. I didn’t ask for this.”

He didn’t know at what that last statement was directed, but he didn’t care. He could feel the tears fighting to get out, so he did the only thing he could. He ran. He didn’t look back and he didn’t watch out for cars. What does it matter if I get hit, he thought bitterly, I’m immortal.

Back at the street corner a confused Curtis asked: “What just happened?”

Kelly slapped him and said: “You were an asshole.”

“What did I even do. You saw how strange that dress looked and then he was being all serious and stuff, Nathan can’t be serious. He never gets like this, no matter what we say, how was I supposed to expect this?” He said.

Alisha agreed with him and Kelly rolled her eyes. “I get that, just you can think, yeah. He was dead serious. Message was clear, he don’t like dying. I’ll go after him with Simon, you lot stay away from him for a while.”

“Why am I going with you?” Simon asked kind of scared.

“Because you didn’t laugh and he likes you. I’m not going alone, now come on, yeah.” then Kelly was walking away, Simon scrambling after her.

The three left looked at each other. Alisha asked: “We still need to get our stuff”

Curtis nodded and they went on, in a slower pace, bringing Nikki home first.

Meanwhile the community center was coming in sight for Nathan. He had been running for a while now and he realized how fucking he weird he must have looked to everyone. There he was, a boy in a wedding dress, and if that wasn’t weird enough he and the dress were also covered in blood and he was crying. What a sissy I am, he thought. He tried to open the front door, but found it locked. He cursed, he hadn’t realized how late it was. He tried his window, but with the dress he was too big to fit through. Logically he knew that he could take it off, but he felt he really didn’t want to. This was the best reason to wear a dress he would ever get and he hadn’t had the time to really sort out how he was feeling about it.

He looked down and petted the dress. It was soft and it flowed nicely around him. He twirled a bit and smiled as the dress twirled prettily with him. He fondled the dress some more and realized that he felt pretty. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt pretty and that thought suddenly made him cry again. He sagged to the ground right under his window and cried. He pulled his knees to his chest and played with the hems of the dress as sobs raked through his body.

That was how Simon and Kelly found him. They stopped in their tracks and tried to decide to do what to do. In the end they decided on sitting down next to him. Both on opposite sides with Nathan in the middle. Kelly wrapped an arm around him which made him shake of his trance as he got startled. He wanted to get away, but bumped into Simon. He quickly wiped at his eyes and slapped on one of the most fake smiles they had ever seen. He joked: “Come to tell me how radiant of a bride I would be.”

It didn’t land. Kelly just smiled at him and said: “Yes, you look very pretty in the dress, Nathan. Sorry about Curtis, he’s a bit oblivious.”

Nathans face got vulnerable as the fake smile crumbled and he let out a wet chuckle and said: “Just because you can read minds, doesn’t mean everyone is oblivious. He saw the truth and said it. I’m being stupid over nothing.”

“My mum, says that if you’re crying over it, it can’t be stupid.” Simon said.

Kelly nodded and Nathan looked down. He didn’t make a jab at how Simon was a mummies boy or anything. It was concerning. Kelly broke the silence: “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About dying or me still being in this, this stupid dress.” Nathan said quietly.

“Which one you want.” Kelly answered and Simon nodded.

“I’m not trans or anything like that, it just, just makes me feel pretty.” it was quiet and if you weren’t paying attention you would have missed it.

“Dresses make me feel pretty too.” Kelly said, “When I was little I would steel my mums heels, yeah, and walk around in a dress we had for dress up and I would feel like a queen. It is dead nice.”

Nathan nodded: “Yeah, this is the first time I had to guts to actually put something like this on. I stole a lipstick and some mascara, but I never did anything with it. I was too scared and confused, you know.”

Both nodded, they could understand that, the world wasn’t very accepting of these kinds of things and people in this neighborhood could get rough easily, and from what they had gathered Nathan had grown up religious.

“Well, if you want to feel pretty then you should be able to.” Simon said.

“Yeah, they’re just idiots. If they give you shit I’ll just beat them up, but I don’t think they will. Alisha is always begging to let her do my make-up, if you tell her I’m sure she would want to do yours.” Kelly smiled at him and he smiled back.

“Thank you.” Nathan chocked, “I needed that.”

He leaned his head on Simons shoulder and pulled Kelly closer. They sat like that for a while, before the emotional exhaustion and comfort of friends lulled Nathan to sleep. After about ten minutes Curtis and Alisha arrived. Kelly noticed them first and left Nathan in Simons care as she walked to them to have a stern chat with them.

“Hey, Kelly.” Curtis said, he noticed Nathan and Simon in the background and asked: “He still in that dress? I thought he would be out of it by now.”

“We’re gonna talk and this can end in everyone being happy or a fist in your face, yeah. Sit.” She said.

The two sat at the table and Kelly began: “Don’t interrupt me, I’m being dead serious. So, Nathan likes to wear womens stuff, you hurt him. He’s not trans or any of that crap. It makes him feel pretty. Alisha you can get that, make-up and dresses make you feel pretty, right?” Alisha nodded, understanding slipping onto her face. “Curtis, you didn’t realize this, but when you laughed at him for the dress, you were his biggest fear come to life. You hurt him and you should apologize, if you can’t accept him you won’t be able to do community services with us, yeah?”

She looked him in the eye and he got it, she could see it in his eyes and she nodded, he nodded back. “I didn’t realize, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. I knew what kind of shit he can be put through because of this and I don’t want that for him, he’s my friend.” he said.

“Yeah, I don’t want that for him either, besides it will be fun to have someone to talk to about make-up other than you. You’re shit at it.” Alisha said the last thing with a smirk and Kelly knew it was a joke and rolled her eyes at them, relieved.

“You really mean that?” came an unsure voice from the side.

They turned and saw Nathan standing next to Simon. Kelly listen and heard Simon think, he’s heard from you asking if make-up and stuff make Alisha feel pretty, on a loop. She nodded that she heard and he nodded back.

Alisha and Curtis both nodded and Alisha hugged him while apologizing. Nathan hugged back, careful not to touch bare skin. Curtis apologized as well and they were all happy and relieved when a genuine smile broke through on Nathans features and he joked that he would soon be he prettiest of them all.

The next day he had his normal attire on, but Alisha had brought long gloves so that she could give him purple eyeshadow, mascara, liner and glittery lips. He wouldn’t stop smiling the entire day and he was nicer than before, like he didn’t have to make up for something. Everyone was glad to see him this happy.

#misfits #misfits fanfic #Nathan Young #Simon Bellamy #kelly bailey #Curtis Donovan #Alisha Daniels #Nikki Misfits #Queer themes #angst #hurt/comfort #hurt Nathan #gender identity #happy ending

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