#but right now i dont even have that many friends i dont have anyone to have a crush on

[crazy-lazy-elder-sims]

I apologize to all my mutuals and discord servers and discord friends for not talking to anyone for months now, and not making cc and just not being as active as i used to

Im completely burned out on socializing as its been extremely stressful irl work is stressful and home like is extremely stressful and people stomp on my boundaries left nd right and keep talking to me no matter how many times i ak them not to

My parents dont care and keep forcing me to listen to them even if i have a spliting headache unfortunately as i live with them i cant exactly leave the room when i please as that will make them hurl more abuse towards me Which defeats the point, and im not kidding but sometimes i'd be sitting on the train and people start talking to me one lady kept pulling my headphones it was so fucking stressful

Everyone is utterly miserable here (rightfully so its very hard to even live or breath cause everything is so corrupted and expensive) but weirdly lately they will not hesitate to vent on literally anyone infront of them

Yesterday i was in a taxi and the driver made a pun about my home street's name and i laughed because it was funny and like i like the small pleasantries between people its harmless but i kid you not the next words out of his mouth were him complaining about everything under the sun and he got so heated that he was banging the steering wheel left and right instead of idk guiding it normally absolutely terrifying and i did not need him to dump his problems on me like that and i kid you not every fucking interaction i have is like that i was at the grocery store looking at coffee and some really old lady was like "prices are insane huh?" I didnt reply and focused on the coffee The next thing i know shes holding onto my arm tightly and telling me about how miserable thing make her it started with prices and ended with her dead husband its all like that if you even glance at people while passing by they start talking and it always leads to an angey vent.

I understand the frustration i am too frustrated by this life but idk why is this the norm now

And why me ? The most introverted person in the world i barley even have social battery for myself for my own things and now everyone has turned to consuming everyone elses social battery for thier own good its exhausting

I know i have to learn to say no and be assertive but As i said i already am a super introverted person (and this is not an exsagration i once only left the house for about 5 times total in 2 years i jut dont engage with the world much as it exhausts me)

But untill i get successful at pushing back against people and also the bigger problem my parents im gonna barely have any energy to talk to people online or in discord im sorry i can only do so much at once 😞

[bunnihearted]

🐰🌧️

#so on my way home.. #i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :) #you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :) #you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!! #you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u! #whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️ #god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it. #or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!! #not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭 #my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

[change-the-rules]

no offense against baby anthony but riverdale was already being ripped part for it's 'nonsensical' choices that were a feature and not a bug so they should've just ignored vanessa's pregnancy vanessa's a tiny ass lady ya'll had options

just like several episodes of toni just pushing around her motorcycle everywhere she goes with zero explanation

school hallway? motorcycle. vixens practice? coaching from behind the motorcycle. pop's diner? how did you get that motorcycle through the single door. town walkthroughs? the feral dogs avoid me cause i'm a cool cat with.... a motorcycle. town council meeting? in case you forgot i am social working guidance counseling leader of a biker gang -motorcycle *jazz hands* 2bdr apartment with a 3 floor walkup and no elevator? why are you still with the questions m o t o r c y c l e

fangs at some point: yea i don't know how she got it in here either- no i know - it's just yeah no cheryl's still rping sarah winschester-yeah i know -no it's that's her emotional support motorcycle-look it's easier to just not question it

#honestly i dont even think the motorcycle would totally block a pregnant belly from sight vanessa's tiny but not that tiny still #the image amused me and would not leave my brain so it's y'alls problem now #but also outside of my dumb motorcycle jape #riverdale is one of the few shows i would've trusted to do this in the most unhinged way possible [complimentary] #and even without a beloved rivedalian spin #like there are so many in character options for this #not that toni's character being in character was something that was given much consideration throughout the series #but still giant bag not toni's style ok np #we got boxes of student files and alcohol crates both easy to make weigh nothing #we got guidance counselor desks and bar counters friends #hilariously over sized pom poms anyone #giant floral arrangements from her beloved #ooo a giant beehive for her queen of the bees [like the crates not like a natural one] #idfk some literal snakes? will they cover the belly? no will anyone be looking at her belly if toni is draped snakes? #idk i guess some ppl have pregnancy kinks but mostly no cause snakes *makes will smith gesture meme hand motions* #honestly compared to the vast amount of bullshit storylines that have plagued me bc an actress' real life pregnancy was written into a show #i will never complain about giant bags boxes or floral arrangements from runners and writers who are like #yeah ya know what this just isn't right for the character because yea yes thx my undying love and respect #i'm not even saying that toni's pregnancy was bad but i'm chewing through drywall thinking about what we could've had instead #toni topaz #oh riverdale you precious beautiful compulsive piece of trash

[quietwingsinthesky]

funniest thing about even is that if ten had taken them to a pride parade, because of their whole. Everything. they would have no idea what is being celebrated or why. but they would be so happy to be included

#sorry. sorry. thinks about even getting very overwhelmed by the Everything and running off to hide. #and some people notice and follow and sit with them and distract them by drawing little flags on their cheeks #the doctor eventually finds them and theyve been chatting for a while sayinf stuff like :D yeah i wasnt allowed to pick my own clothes #before i left home but now i have so many to pick from! vague enough experiences that the other queer people around them empathize and share #their own anecdotes. they’re making friends 🥺🥺 #someone is going to feed even a brownie or something with weed in it and get them high for the first time and they wont even know because #all they know is that theyre very happy and evryones being very nice to them and there’s a lot of overwhelming color and noise but the #doctor is holding their hand so they dont get lost again #even later (still high) (leaning on the doctor’s shoulder): i like it here :) we belong here. it’s nice. :) #ten: well give or take a hundred years you’re still human. of course you belong. fit right in. you’re getting facepaint on my coat. #even: no im not (<- they are) but. we belong. both of us. they like you too. #doctor: No. No. Where I belong… that’s very far away now. #Even: oh. ….can you only belong one place at a time? #Doctor: …… (<- doesn’t want to answer. assumes even is thinking of the ship they left behind.) #Even: i guess i dont belong here either. (<- is thinking about the tardis.) but it’s still nice. visiting. #doctor: it is. yeah. #(seconds pass) #even: also doctor. what does gay mean? #doctor: what do you mean what dOES GAY MEAN- #[hard cut to credits] #dw oc #(even couldnt tell anyone what labels they use btw because they dont know so the person doing the finger painting gave them the enby flag #on assumption and the lesbian flag on the other cheek because it matched their hair a little)

[gibbearish]

am finally back home and can say without a doubt that i am just fundamentally not built for long distance travel however the train was much nicer than planes

#that being said. pressurized cabins drive me insane a little bit #and also it gives you pretty intense sea legs for a While #like. the ones from the first trip hadnt gone away by the return one. so. might be stuck with that for a few days #we shall see #also ajr live fucks severely #the albums were already incredible but that was a goddamn religious experience #like. idk the way i think abt it is theyre more djs than a regular band esp w their performance showing the making of way less sad #like their music is very electronic‚ theyre making mixes of their own sound effects more than singing in one go #so like. the vocals were a teeensy bit rough at times #notably times it has taken me Literally Hundreds Of Hours Practice to be able to consistently sing along with #and times ive found its literally physically impossible to like. no matter what #idc how big your lungs are‚ there is no human on earth who can do that final run of karma in one breath #much less to An Entire Stadium After An Hour Of Jumping And Dancing And Singing Loud As Fuck #so like i dont blame them for that‚ you dont go to live shows expecting it to be 100% perfect anyways jwbdjsbfksb #the trumpet however. well she was certainly playing sometimes. and was very enthusiastic about her flares. #however. in most of their songs they use midi trumpets to my ear at least #meaning she was likely an addition specifically for live performances and in my personal band kid opinion #prooobably was not in any of the like. higher tier bands? idk just. a lot of the mistakes she was making were hitting as stuff that got #taught out of us the instant we joined any band beyond regular concert #so i would guess she was probably just like. a friend who happened to play trumpet in high school or maybe even just middle school #and they knew that the trumpet parts in their pieces were big and distinct enough that like they /had/ to get a live player #and just kinda. didnt anticipate the audition -> performance gap #like. her tone was really fried the whole time like she was playing as hard as possible #which. she was mic'd. have the sound guy turn her up. #the way they did it made it sound like she was using a mute but not. like she only got the bad parts of a mute from it yknow #her tempo and timing were. bad. theres no nice way to put that one it just Was Bad‚ like the trumpet runs in ajr songs arent. complicated #like. quite literally if you handed me the sheet music right now i would have it down perfect in a week at absolute most #and better than that player on sightread. like. we did so many sightreading drills. #like ill share my band kid creds if anyone cares but i need to emphasize this isnt me being braggy like. they genuinely just arent hard #fuck im out of tags. w/e i think only like one of yall also listens to them anyways so i can leave it there

[inkats]

im goinga to aill myself.

#guyyyys i hate it. i tates it. #im so bad at typing. #i wanna. dance with somebody. word linmking gone right thst actually is what im upset about. #however im a Strong Independent Woman and dont need no Man <- gendr neutral. #momma when u say all anyone needs is family i feel you forget that u have 7 sisters. #too many. i still dont think id be happy w/that. and half of them didnt really stick around. so its not even accurate in ur family. #that funeral was insane they were so upset for like a week. i had some compassion. and then she was straight back to. #this isnt what i was trying to say. anyway. #continue to ignore me i just need somewhere to put everything. #do you think after. 5 years of not making friends. #and 9 of being around the same 20 people. #i could make a comeback in uni? #or will i just die. #dont borrow grief from the future but i stopped being so scared i wont get in anywhere. now we're on tothis which is marginally less bad.

[kindnessoverperfection]

wild how the more i'm working on recovery. the more i realize how fucking bad i miss her.

#which still feels kind of insane and embarrassing since i didn't technically know her myself #(my alter did. i however barely interacted with her.) #but she knew me. she fucking knew me and saw me. i've talked about this in earlier posts but that's still the main thing that hits me. #i feel like nobody else has ever ever known me like she has. i've never felt that seen. and she loved me. she cared about me. she knew what #was underlying my outwards appearance and behaviors. she saw it and loved and cared for it. and because she knew it so well she didn't take #anything personally. (again. not douchey behaviors. just like... bragging for example. or being guarded. idk) #also there's so many things we relate on? felt like i could connect with her better. i think she and i would have been friends. #i dont know it's just #with everyone else it feels like a fucking obligatory social game i need to navigate #say the right things. act in the right ways. present yourself in ways they'll understand and interpret well. blah blah #i'm not even going anywhere with this i just miss her so bad and i'm fucking lonely and want to be seen like that again but i don't think #it can ever happen. because i got to be 100% myself but it was in a safe way and that's how she grew to know and love me #but it wasn't ME who made that decision to be vulnerable. and it was through a specific way that can't be done again because i'm here now a #an alter so it's guarded. and i can't be selfish and demanding and fully myself here because system morals are too strong for that. #even if the aforementioned thing COULD happen again. i haven't seen anyone who cares and understands and sees so deeply like she does. #it's just #i don't know #i just want to be myself and loved and seen for who i am. #but instead it always just feels like i'm having to navigate and manage social expectations and That's It. #maybe i just need to be friends with another narcissist. so i dont have to fucking mask anymore. only concern is if i'm actually being #myself - i have a high pitched voice and talk fast and talk a lot and am kinda obnoxious and high energy and #attention-seeking and dislike being alone and. yeah. that's annoying to the majority of people. which is why i am Not myself around anyone

[southislandwren]

ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHH the freshman wants to TRADE CARS for the weekend.... how do i politely say i would literally kill myself and everyone in a 10 mile radius if i had to let someone other than my mom, dad, and brother drive my car

#girl you are NOT getting access to my 98k mile 2017 grey subaru outback with smart cruise and lane detection and heated seats #and my stickers on the hatchback and the bluetooth audio and automaticly-changing night mode rearview mirror #and the comfy driver's seat in EXACTLY the position i want it in and the shifter knob that perfectly fits in my hand #like when my aunt drove my car last summer it basically solidified that i will never let anyone touch my car ever again #(she put a fucking TACO on TOP OF THE DASHBOARD and moved my fucking steering wheel!!!!!!!!) #my car was literally the only place i felt safe all of 2021 and 2022 im not letting some random fucking person TAKE her from me #i did not have a PANIC ATTACK leaving her at the mechanic for 2 DAYS for some fucking freshman to USE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! #like i know i can be territorial but boy my car is all the territory i ever need. i could live out of my car if needed. #what if she fucking crashes it. shes been in soooo many accidents (i have heard all about them.) #dude if this were in person i wouldve fucking hissed and ran away i dont let people touch my fucking car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #I drove 4 hours back to school at 11pm so that i wouldnt have to have my friend drive my fucking car!!!! #like genuinely i need to find a way to say no i cannot and will not let you use my car now or ever. #i dont care what her reasons are. her boyfriend could be fucking dying and i still wouldnt. #she wants to take my car to minnesota for a WEEKEND and i would not be there ???? NOOOOOO #sorry oh my god i just have to scream and cry a little so i can try to be normal in my response #gonna ask the parents for help i think bc they know im neurotic about my car #like very genuinely im very upset right now. i reread the text and her car is having issues so she wants to TRADE CARS #without even asking if im doing anything that would need a car this weekend (ummmm i fucking work on saturday and sunday is grocery day) #like sorry thats too big of a favor especially after the fucking snail debacle.... how do i know she wont CRASH MY FUCKING CAR ? #or even just like mess with the settings. like im fucking anxious at the IDEA of her being in MY drivers seat DRIVING MY CAR !!!!! #also it smells like cow shit real bad in there. does she REALLY want to drive to fucking minnesota in a cow shit car? #i need to chill i have work soon but like holy shit this has me acting up #i guess since i dont have any real stressors any more my body is like we need LEVEL 10 EMERGENCY STRESS RIGHT NOW #if this were the school year i'd have 3 benadryl inside me right now #like genuinely if this had been in person i probably wouldve been nasty like that is MY car i did not spend thousands of dollars on her #to let someone NOT on the insurance policy drive her!!!! #god okay back to totk until my parents text me back #diary post

[jonny-b-meowborn]

Dude I miss the feeling of being in love. Like no one ever loved me back and I've never been in a relationship, so I can't miss that, and while I'd love to date someone, I just really miss the feeling of having a crush on someone

#ive had only two serious crushes in my life #and while neither of them liked me back. it was still noce #when we were friends #but right now i dont even have that many friends i dont have anyone to have a crush on #like im demi so other than my friends i dont love people like that #and my friend circle has been getting smaller and smaller with years #ive had the closets friendships in high school before i failed a year #they moved on without me and that hurt me but im mostly fine with that now #the new class i had to join. i cant call anyone there a friend #im not talking with a single person from that class #not that i hated them all but i havent been close enough with anyone to call them friends #and now its just. my best friend that i met in my first class in high school #a friend from dorm #and like some family that im close with but yknow. thats not where im gonna look for a date lmao #and like. literally i have two close friends now #and im not interested in any of them #and like its one frustrating thing to not have a partner but a different thing is to not even have anyone that could become my partner #like i have no choices around me #and i just. feel lonely #and you know what i wish someone was interested in me romantically. never happened before. #even if thats not someone I'd like to be with i just. want to know its possible for someone to like me that way #cause like sure the cousin's cute friend is into me in some way but. not romantically #and that is cool as fuck to know i can be desirable but i also want to know if im lovable #does that make sense? #like its great to get that kind of attention but im ace theres nothing id do about that lmao #even if more people would find me hot that doesnt change the fact that no one ever found me. yknow. interesting? #idk im just at that age when most of my peers are either in relationships or were in relationships or at least tried to be #and its a bit frustrating #in my Single and Sad era lmao #bee buzz

[vampvelvet]

i am sick and tired of seeing the trans infighting on my dash. please. you cannot take two trans people and determine that one has had it easier than another. theres transphobia, misogyny, and transmisogyny all around us. please. instead of pointing fingers at each other start listening and understanding. even if you think someone is being completely irrational and stupid you have to remember that they have still faced transphobia and misogyny or transmisogyny

#and i feel like i have to point out. transmascs may not experience transmisogyny but they experience MISOGYNY and TRANSPHOBIA still. #none of us are fucking safe #pointing fingers in our own community isnt helping anyone #please im so tired of this #i dont even wanna tag this because i feel like its gotten bad here on tumblr #and everyone is stressed out for so many reasons #us politics and the war and so many bad things are happeninf #is guilt really what we should be putting on people right now? doesnt that further divide us? #i dont know. im kind of naive im 18 and i dont get out much #i just. idk. i think social media ebbs and flows with times that it gets really bad #its depressing #take care of yourself #and once again ill say tell your trans friends you love them

[bunnihearted]

📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2

#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore #we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life #i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible #if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green #and later this year i think i might change my name #it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random #i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel #really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am #to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate #but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it #but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so #when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy #i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that #also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk..... #rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els #sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w #not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else #but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway #that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but #all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever #i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right? #i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not #im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help #it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning #nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my #feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions #i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary

[autisticlee]

always told "is better to have 1-2 good friends than 20 not so good friends" or things like that. but... kinda not better tbh. can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there when you need someone. is nice to have more options. gareuntee *someone* can be there at any time.

but reality is I can't have many friends and can't expect 2 friends I do have to pay attention to me when need someone. afraid to annoying them and make them leave like everyone else. so all I can do is suffer alone ._.

#so hard to get friends who will/can hang out and distract me when needed #no one wants to hang out with lee 🥲 #brain bad and wont stop. cant escape brain alone. need another person to help. but go months without talking to other people #try not to be annoying and bother them but they have no time for lee even a few times a year so dont want to be pushy and annoying #sighs idk. how to get used to being alone and accepting its reality for lee. people are hard. being alone easier right? then why feel bad??? #lee rambles #🥲🥲😭😭🥲🥲😭😭 #so used to asking “friends” to play game or something and get rejwcted every time then after about 3 times friend deletes me as friend #or starts acting weird and annoyed at me until am pushed out of friend group or blocked or never asked to hang out anymore #only give it 3 chances but is always too many for everyone. so afraid to ask anyone first to do things and wait for them #but they never ask. ugh whats wrong with me what am i rambling about. dont know. #wish this gane im playing was enough to distract brain but IS NOT WORKING #angry sad dread feeling or whatever feeling is wont stop #dont know what causes it. can only guess. guessing need attention/afffection or some sort #because cats rejecting lee attention and affection and family being rude when trying to interact makes me VERY UPSET RIGHT NOW #dont know what do ._. #want to not exist anymore. just poof out of reality until feel better

[mrfoox]

Uh. Gonna be honest. Idk how tf no one thought I could have dyslexia growing up. The older I get the more I wonder if I do...

#miranda talking shit #I have a friend who has it and i dony think i have... The same intensity as hers? But i know ive always struggled to spell #Like.... My native language have o and the letter å which sound pretty much the same #I mix up a lot words with those. Same with e and ä. This whole concept of 'seeing' what the right spelling is never clicked for me #I know i always had many spelling mistakes anytime i turned in any text and thats one reason i never got better than like E-D grades #My teachers did often comment like... Uh you have a lot of spelling mistakes. Did you really check? Like... Yeah actually :( #I have so many basically simple words in my native language i either spell wrong or genuinely google the right way to write it #I took extra spelling help things in 5th grade but like.... Obviously they didnt help and it came with me as i grew #Now im like.... I never considered it before ? But... It would explain ... Quite a bit #I always felt i struggled extra with learning new languages too. Like german and the spelling i never understood #English i think is my better ones but probably bc i use it daily since i was like 13... And English got less letters #Then again i still have many words i still cant get right. Hey idk. Maybe im just overthinking it and honestly i #Am not very read up on this and all. But i generally feel like all my peers were basically great at spelling and i was always ashamed #With reading i dont know... I mean with longer words i often need to read it many times and struggle to pronounce it #Heck idk how the criteria even is for this just... I guess an thing i thought about through recent years #If anyone have it or know stuff feel free to share with me i am genuinely interested

[lesbianhowlpendragon]

feeling Hopeless 🤩🤩🤩

#still hvent found a job still super burnt out still feeling sick every single day still might hve cancer still everything is falling apart #i feel absolutely awful and like. ifk i feel like im drowning and i am so alone like i have a few friends i tak to rn but i cant #bring myself to talk abt anything im going through bc i feel like its all too much. and my dad is helping me with stuff but. he lives on #another continent and i feel so alone #none of the friends who r close to me like geographically are people i feel like i can rly turn to right now so #i just spend a lot of time by myself and dont tell anyone any of this and i am fucking exhausted #also abt to run out of money bc i had so many big expenses come up last week that my perfectly curated budget has been destroyed #like. jesus christ can i not just have something go right #can i not catch a break can i not even have like. something to look forward to #one thing? anything? go right??? #i feel so guilty and useless and helpless. and also like i am rotting and decomposing

[coriphallus]

The Dark Urge thoughts (and prayers)

anyone whos been following me knows im absolutely not normal about durge and i wanna share some tidbits that are implied, but not necessarily canonised, from their story;

I already made a post about it but it seems like bhaal has a degree of control over whether they live or die. he can deny them death, if they fail the duel with orin.

bhaal can command the slayer. he forces orin to transform if you talk to her about sarevok and the scene makes it clear that its against her will.

bhaal manipulates his kin in a subtler way. in the colony you can find a letter from old durge thats apologising to his father for 'liking' gortash. you can interpret their relationship as something deeper but even if it wasnt, this reads to me as terrified and desperate.

the reason being, if you have a LI in act 2 you get the famous bondage scene. coupled up with the letter above makes me think this is a pattern. bhaal can use their feelings against them. he did it with sarevok and orin's mother, orin's mother and orin, etc... it's not as straightforward as 'if you disobey ill kill the one you love'. you will. durge will.

bhaal is testing them in act 2, he revels in chaos, sure, but in the grand scheme of things he doesn't care about isobel. even if you tell scel that you'll kill her you're told that youre too late, you ignored your urges. from durge, bhaal doesn't expect calm calculated murder, he expects blind obedience. failing to receive that his first punishment is to take away something they cherish. there are no half measures, theres no bargaining with a god.

we get so many snippets of information that this has happened before, their foster family being their first victims. theyre made to kill their support system with their own hands, with no one to blame but themselves. they are actually apologising to their father for being fond of gortash because (in my humble opinion) theyre genuinely afraid.

how many times could this have happened, how many nights durge couldve woken up covered in the blood of someone they love until they gave in, became daddys obedient puppet?

durge is groomed for murder. scel says 'you always failed to conduct yourself without me' and given who he is i dont think hes talking about table manners when he says 'conduct'. durge needs 24/7 oversight to set themselves right lest they get tempted by softer things. lest they dare to step away from bhaals grand plan.

durge do have a choice. just as shadowheart had a choice, just as wyll or astarion had a choice. its a choice only in name.

theres no ending besides refusing bhaal that their friends and LI wont die by their hands. the entire lore of bhaalspawn is that theyre meant to conquer the world in his name and slit their own throat a top the mountain of corpses. as cazador aptly put, 'theyre made to be consumed.'

you can pray to bhaal and the narrator says he won't accept [any offering] but the entire world.

durge (and bhaalspawn) do get some sort of euphoria from murder. they crave it like an addict, but bhaalspawn (on prev games) don't constantly have to grapple with these urges as durge does.

now durge is a slightly special case but not in a good way. its implied that theyre not like a regular bhaalspawn, that theyre made by bhaal directly -so to speak-. which is to say, if youre playing a drow, they are bhaals closest approximation of a drow rather than a drow flesh and blood.

thats why theyre fighting tooth and nail against these urges every step of the way, they are literally bhaal himself(in essence). the personality they develop, the person who calls themselves 'tainted' and 'wretched', the character thats making choices throughout the game, theyre the tumour.

theirs is the story of cycle of abuse cranked up to 1000 and it is in parallel to all other origin companions.

#bg3 #durge #the dark urge #dark urge #DU #bg3 spoilers #baldur's gate 3 #personal

[mrsmikaelsxn]

Flower Crowns

masterlist

pairing: harry potter x female reader

warnings: kissing, jily 2.0, fluff, flirty harry

summary: you were quite popular among the wizards and witches in the school, you had many admirers but none of them were like harry potter

a/n: harry would honestly be such a perfect boyfriend

song: i was made for lovin’ you - kiss

It was your sixth year at Hogwarts, today was your first day back after summer. Seated at the Slytherin table with some of your friends, you were in a conversation about what everyone did over the summer. 

As you were about to tell them about the trip you took, you hear a throat being cleared from behind you. You turn around as your friends look up and roll there eyes. 

“Hello, darling,” Harry grins while plopping himself on the bench with little room next to you.

“Potter,” you nod looking him over.

“How is it you’ve gotten even more beautiful over the summer,” he sighs dreamily. Your friends moved down the table more since they were tired of this routine. You look at them with betrayal as they just smile and shrug. 

“What is it you came over here for?” you dont know why you bother asking at this point, you already know whats coming. 

“Well, love, I came to ask you if you would go out with me this weekend,” he winks. You glace over his shoulder to see a Hermione sighing and a grinning Ron. 

“Sorry, Potter, but I’m going to have to decline your offer,” you said looking back at him. He’s use to you saying no, like how it has been for the past four years. He still trys all the time, he has never done anything with another person either. He is so set on you being for him that he is disgusted at the thought of being with anyone else that isn’t you. 

In the summer before second year, he went back home and told his parents about you. He would somehow have a way to bring you up everyday, while he blushing thinking about you. James would always grin at Lily while lifting his eyebrows up and down. She would roll her eyes as James starts to tell him about how to get you to take interest in him. 

Taking his dads advice, he would buy you little things at least twice a week, give you compliments every time he saw you, and many more things. 

One time during fourth year, he saw you walking around alone at the Quidditch World Cup. You were in a somewhat long silk green dress that complimented your body perfectly. You had some light makeup and your hair styled back.  He told the Weasleys and Hermione to go on and that he would joining them in a few minutes. 

“Hi, sweetheart,” Harry greets you while letting his eyes roam all over you in adoration. You glance over at him, taking in his messy hair and him in general. You would be lying if you were to say that he was not attractive, anyone could see that. 

“Potter, how are you?” 

“I'm perfect after seeing you, you look stunning” he smiles.

You blushed and looked away trying to hide your light pink cheeks. Although he most definitely saw, he felt like the happiest person ever. This was the first time he was able to make you blush.

“Thank you, I suppose you don’t look bad yourself,” you tell him while the corners of your mouth lift up a bit. 

He could have fainted right there, he started to stutter as he wasn’t expecting that. 

“I best be off, Potter. My family is waiting for me, I’ll see you soon,” you wave at the blushing boy as you start walking back. 

“I- uhm- brilliant!” That day he went to back to the Weasley’s tent as he told them about what happened. They all teased him about his massive crush as was still in a daze. It was truly astonishing how one sentence from you could lead him to act like this. 

Another time was last year, fifth year, when you had gotten detention with Umbridge. You were walking back to the common room with tears stinging your eyes. Umbridge had you stay much longer than you thought because of your “innappropriote behavior”. Apparently, speaking the truth is innappropriote now. As you were turing you almost crashed into someone. You look up to see a worried Harry Potter looking down at you. 

“I’m sorry, Potter. Excuse me,” you excuse yourself trying to go around him. Before you can, he gently grabs your waist and turns you to face him again. 

“Hold on, darling. Why are you crying, did something happen?” 

You couldn’t hold in the pain anymore. You started crying while grabbing onto Harry. His arms quickly wrapped around your waist. 

“Shh, love. Tell me whats wrong,” he whispers while using one hand to play with your hair. 

“I- um- had detention, with Umbridge,” he looks confused so you take a step back an slowly hold your left arm out. 

He was still confused for a second before looking at your hand. He was fuming, he saved his anger for now and decided to comfort you right now. He also felt such sadness that anyone would hurt an angel like you. 

“She did this to you?” he asked while sounding like he was about to cry. You nod, with some tears still streaming down your face. Oh how we wished he was able to kiss them away. 

“Come on love, I’ll take you to Hermione… she is much better at healing spells than me,” he informs you while gently pulling you towards the Gryffindor common room.

It was pretty late, so the room was empty when you both arrived. Except for Ron and Hermione who were arguing on the couch. They never had anything against you, even though you were a Slytherin, you had never participating in any of the bullying that a lot of other Slytherins did. You even scolded Malfoy when he called Hermione a Mudblood. 

Since that day you became somewhat friends with the girl, ignoring the looks of disgust from others in your house. 

When the two gryffindors looked up and saw you crying with distraught Harry, their argument quickly ended as they rushed over to you both.

“What happened, y/n? Harry?” Hermione says worridly. 

You tell them what happened, and they were just as mad as Harry. They tried to get rid of the writing on your hand but it would not go away. So Hermione decided she would just take the pain away for now. You thanked her with a hug and said goodnight as her and Ron went to their rooms. 

You turned to Harry and noticed how close your faces were, you glanced down at at his lips almost leaning in when you heard a bang from the dormitory making you both jump. 

“I- uh- should get back. Thank you, Potter,” you smile, quickly giving him a peck on the cheek before rushing out and leaving you both a blushing mess. 

Harry was left standing there as he lifted his hand to his red cheeks where your lips were. “What a girl,” he mumbled walking up the stairs. 

Back to present times, Harry got back up from his seat and looked down to you. “I’ll suppose I’ll have to try again tommorow, pretty,” he grins walking back to his seat. 

You blush lightly before picking up your things to head to your first class. The professor ended up assigning seats, and to Harrys luck, he was partnered with you for the year. 

“It’s meant to be, love,” he says as he leans back into his seat. 

“You wish, Potter,” you smile at him. 

“Yes, I do wish,” he grins looking at your eyes. 

After a long day of beginning of the year speeches, you were finally able to plop onto your bed and sleep. You look over to your friend, Daphne Greengrass, she was one of the only tolerable Slytherins in your opinion. 

“It’s adorable how much Potter loves you,” she laughs laying in bed. 

“Pfft, don't be ridiculous Daphne. He doesn't love me,” you shake your head. 

“He looks at you like you’re the only person in the world,” she giggles.  

“Hm”

You decided to drop the conversation, you closed your eyes and fell asleep. Later the next day, you were in the forbidden forest. Around a year ago, you found a place with a pretty flower field that was closed off. You come here often, as far as you know, you’re the only one who knows about it. 

You started to weave a flower crown out of a few lovely flowers you picked. You finished it and put it on as you hear meows from behind you. You turn around a squeal as you pick up the kitten and started to play with her (you checked the gender). 

You were unaware of Harry who was on his was to you after using the Mauraders Map to find you. He finally found you and his heart melt as he saw you giggling with a meowing kitten that licked your face as you lay in the field. 

You heard walking and sat up only to find yourself looking at the boy who has been on your mind a lot recently. 

“Oh! Hi, Harry, I didn’t expect you to come here,” you say. 

“Harry?” he asks you, trying to suppress a smile.

“Thats your name, is it not?” you laugh. 

“I suppose it is. Mind if I sit?” you nod, as you sit together in silence that was unexpectedly comfortable. 

Harry couldn’t seem to take his eyes off of you. 

“I really do fancy you,” Harry mumbles.

You turn to look at him, “I know… maybe I fancy you a bit as well,” you say, bringing your fingers up to show a pinch. 

“Really?” Harry asks leaving closer to you. 

“Really,” you whisper as you move so close your lips are brushing. You look into see his eyes and notice how pretty they are. 

“You’re perfect,” he whispers against your mouth as he connects his to yours. You both close your eyes as you kiss back and reach your hands into his hair. For the first minute it was sweet, before it started to become more passionate. You bring your leg over his and straddle him without disconnecting your lips. It was pure bliss.

You tug his hair getting a groan from him as his tongue swipes against your bottom lip, asking for permission. You happily comply and open your mouth, letting him explore your mouth, and you his. You gently pull his hair back and kiss down his neck and jaw. You leave many butterfly kisses. In between the kisses he whispers some small compliments, making you smile against his neck. You find his sweet spot and lightly suck on it, making him whimper, and leaving a beautiful hickey.  He says some praises bring heat to your face. He kisses your cheeks, “I love making you blush,” he smiles. 

“Oh hush, Potter,” you get off his lap. He groans but you decide its better to stop now before things get more heated. 

“Is it alright if I make you a flower crown? I think it would look rather good on you,” you asks with a sheepish smile.

“Of course, love”

He lays his head on your lap as you make the crown, you finish after about four minutes. It was somewhat hard for you to focus when you could feel Harrys gaze on you, but you tried your best to ignore it. 

“Andddd… done!” Harry sits up and you place it on his head. 

“You look pretty,” you smile pecking his lips. A light pink coats his cheeks. He honesty has never been so happy, he adores you so much that you are 90% of what he talks about. It was such a pain for his friends to have to listen to his rants about your “angelic beauty,” as he puts it. 

“Thank you, angel,” he says. 

“I think we should head back now, dinner alreader started,” you say standing up, also taking the kitten with you. You both walk hand in hand, you grinning at the kitten asleep in your arms, and both of you forgetting about the flower crowns on your heads. You both keep up a good conversation throught the walk.

You stroll into the great hall with Harry as it goes silent. Then there was a chorus of gasps as they take in your guys hand held together, both of your somewhat messy hair, swollen lips, and the hickey on Harrys neck. You step away from him and you head towards your friends, you could hear most boys wolf whistling, some scowling at Harry. Many girls were also glaring at you out of jealousy. 

You look at the staff table and see Dumbledore wink at you, making you raise your eyebrows. You also see Snape hand over some galleons to McGonagall. 

“I’m happy for you, Harry,” Hermione smiles, glancing at Ron as she kicks his leg. 

“Oh- yeah! Good going, mate,” he smirks as he pats his back.

The next day Harry asked you if you would be his girlfriend. You nodded with a smile and gave him a soft kiss.

#nina writes 🤭💗 #harry potter #harry potter x reader #harry potter x you #harry potter fluff #slytherin #gryffindor #hermione granger #harry james potter #harry potter oneshot #ron weasley #harry potter imagine #harry potter fanfiction #hogwarts #hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry