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cynicalkairos · 5 years

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Henry Hidgens Analysis

Alright, so you probably (maybe I don’t know) saw the first one, but my dumb ass deleted it. That means that you get it all again with some new things!!! YAY!!

Basically, I watched TGWDLM and something still didn’t make sense to me.

Why did Hidgens radically change his opinion about the apocalypse from opposing it to approving it?

When I rewatched TGWDLM, it baffled me. Why would a man that opposed the apocalypse to the extent of dedicating thirty years of his life preparing for it suddenly advocate for it with the promise of world peace?

Well, my theory is pretty simple.

Hidgens became infected.

Now, I can say that and end the post, but NOT TODAY! I WILL GIVE PROOF! (or what I deem as proof)

Welcome to my analytical heaven. Click to read about my theory with pictures and links!! That I had to redo :(

How did Henry Hidgens get infected?

My answer to that: when he touched the “blue shit.” (also referred to as BS) (x)

Besides Emma in the beginning when she pulled the BS out of the coffee (x), Hidgens was the only one to physically touch the BS. (x)

Even then, while Emma held the goop for mere seconds, Hidgens held the BS in his hand for almost exactly two minutes. This longer physical exposure to the BS allowed the apotheosis to start to take root in Hidgens’s mind.

Also, note how each of them held the BS.

Emma barely picked it up, holding the BS with a few fingers.

On the other hand, Hidgens had the BS molded into a ball that he held in his fist for the remainder of the scene shown here.

When the scene continued past the point of unveiling the mysterious goop, even though it was probably due to making sure that it left the stage, Hidgens still held the BS in his hand with maximum contact with his hand.

If the BS had the same consistency of maybe aloe vera or a different gel, then it absorbs into the skin faster than water through skin absorption. This ensured that the goop could get into the skin, into the bloodstream, and, eventually, the brain.

BOOM! BIOLOGY!

After that initial point of contact, the Hive slowly took over Hidgens’s mind.

The next time we saw Hidgens was when he killed Charlotte and Sam with a shotgun.

Of course, you’re probably thinking, “But, Kairos, he couldn’t have been infected! He killed them!”

Well, partially, correct. Hidgens did kill Sam and Charlotte, but something else happened before that also unnerved me.

Charlotte sang specifically at Hidgens when faced with her imminent death.

Before when faced with the possibility of getting killed, the Hive ran away, such as Charlotte pointing a gun at Doug and Copper at the end of “Show Me Your Hands.” (x)

If the note wasn’t a scream out of fear, then what could it be?

Because of the Hive’s collective knowledge of one another, Charlotte sensed the apotheosis happening inside of Hidgens, causing such a reaction from her.

Then Hidgens, oblivious to his own succumbing to the Hive, shot her anyway.

The scene continued with Hidgens forcing the remaining survivors to sing to prove they’re not one of them. You know... typical Hidgens shenanigans. (x)

However, Hidgens wasn’t stupid.

I propose that he suspected that a member of the Hive was in the room when Charlotte pointed at him. But, because of Emma, Paul, Ted, and Bill standing behind him, it led him to believe that it was one of them, not himself.

That’s why he forced them to sing, in case one of them sang perfectly.

When he found that none of them were, it eased him.

And Hidgens didn’t bother to check himself because he would know if he were infected, right?

Anyway, this leads to my next point in my theory.

Hidgens had a human side (HS) and an infected side (IS).

In “Let It Out,” Paul alternated between two versions of himself as the Hive took over his mind. (x)

So, who’s to say that it couldn’t happen to Hidgens too?

Hidgens himself said that the victims were “genetically reconstructed from the inside out.”

While the apotheosis was taking place in his mind, the HS still had control over his body with a few moments that the IS shone through. But, toward “Show Stopping Number,” those moments of humanity were few and far between as the Hive took over.

Now’s the time to analyze those moments.

One of the first moments that really stood out to me was the persistence that Emma stay behind to help him.

This was a man that had isolated himself for at least three decades. He was very capable of handling experiments by himself.

So, why would he need a lab assistant?

That’s right. He didn’t.

I believe that his lines at this point in the scene were completely influenced by his IS.

Again, you might say, “Kairos, Hidgens was just trying to protect Emma!!!”

Hidgens knew that Emma would help anyone whether or not they asked for it.

She proposed a place to stay to help the people that she had only just met. (x)

Emma also escaped Ted’s hold and shot General McNamara to save Paul (even though they were closer than the rest, she had really only known him for a day or two.) (x)

By asking her to stay behind, it gave Hidgens the chance to be alone with Emma and Ted.

At that point, Ted was no longer a threat. Sure, he could talk a big game, but he was too drunk to actually fight back.

Emma, on the other hand, could fight back. Hidgens’s IS needed Emma on his side to be able to convince others to join the Hive. Paul would listen to Emma and then Bill would listen to Paul. Emma was the key to getting the rest of the lot to become infected. This also happened in “Inevitable” at the end of the musical.

To make sure that Hidgens and Emma were alone, not only did Hidgens ask her for help, but he also approved Paul and Bill’s ideas to go save Bill’s daughter, despite the situation possibly leading to death. He assured them that the backroads were safer (x) and gave them his shotgun for protection. (x)

Although this moment with the influence of his IS controlling Hidgens, we still saw the HS of him when Paul and Emma talked before Paul left.

I don’t know whether or not it was intentional, but the look on Hidgens’s face was heartbreaking. This moment shown above was one of the last times that we see entirely human Hidgens.

Now, we know that he somewhat cared about Emma because he let her into his house in the first place. (x)

And once again using the knowledge that his backstory contained him being an infectious disease researcher, Hidgens had lost people he cared about in the past.

In that final interaction between Paul and Emma, Hidgens knew the possibility that Paul wouldn’t come back alive. Based on experience, if Paul didn’t come back, it would hurt Emma a lot and, in turn, hurt him.

Now, on that note, let’s jump to the scene with Hidgens and Emma. (x)

In this scene, there was no sign of Hidgens’s HS but rather his IS.

This shift was particularly shown through his behavior and his new opinion of the alien invasion.

First, the body language.

Throughout the beginning of this scene, Hidgens’s eyes were focused on the beaker with the BS inside of it. Even though he was talking to Emma, he never looked at or even acknowledged her at first.

Look at these two photos.

The first picture was from the first scene in Hidgens’s house and the second picture was from the scene I was talking about.

In the first picture, Hidgens was looking at Emma and, in the second picture, Hidgens was looking at the beaker.

Although he looked at Emma for a split second in the second scene, he immediately looked back at the beaker.

(Also, I would like to mention the slight blue tint in the lighting of the second picture. You’ll see why this is important later.)

Anyway, the first time that Hidgens looked at Emma was when she proposed that there was some sort of “mothership.” (x)

When she said “mothership,” Hidgens’s head instantly turned toward her, looking at her with an almost surprised expression.

I mean, I’m not the only one that found that last facial expression creepy.

Seriously.

If someone looked at me like that, I’d be frightened.

In the first two pictures, Hidgens seemed surprised that she started to figure it out.

Then, in the third, it changed to “Oh, shit. She’s starting to figure it out.”

And, finally, it went to “I must stop her from figuring everything out.”

After this moment, Hidgens looked intently at her and even initiated physical contact that he never dared to before.

He placed his hand on her shoulder (x) (x) (x) and did the iconic nose boop. (x)

Even then, this interaction between the two of them must have been out of the ordinary because Emma reacted in such a way. (x)

Not to mention another creepy expression. Jesus Christ, Robert.

Then all of Hidgens’s IS’s hopes and dreams were crushed when Emma did not agree with the idea that the alien invasion would bring world peace.

She responded with “Okay, but how do we stop it?”

At this point, Hidgens’s IS’s plan fell apart.

You see, I believe Hidgens’s IS did what the Hive did initially: coerce people to join the Hive through the means of discovering what they wanted and using that as a ploy to entice them to join peacefully. (x) (x)

But when people started to resist, they had to turn to other measures of infecting people or, in another term, violence. (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

This same sequence of events happened here.

Hidgens tried to convince Emma that it was a good thing that the human race should be eradicated to have world peace.

When Emma resisted, Hidgens drugged her and kidnapped her.

That brings us to everyone’s favorite: SHOW STOPPING NUMBER!

Oh, boy. There’s a lot to unpack here.

I’d like to establish that this scene had both elements of Hidgens’s IS and HS with some of those times overlapping.

At the beginning of the scene, it’s clearly the IS talking.

The HS would never unlock the entire facility and make everyone inside of it vulnerable to the Hive, but the IS would.

And at this time, Emma realized it.

Emma saw what was going on with Hidgens.

Even though it was fuelled by the IS, I don’t think that it was entirely the IS because he said:

“The world was already doomed not by them, but by us. I was trying to save something that could not be saved until now.” (x)

It implied that Hidgens himself thought about the apocalypse that way, not the Hive.

And of course, there was that entire goodbye to Alexa, which was definitely, in my opinion, the HS, not the IS.

Then, when Hidgens destroyed Alexa, the IS was back. (x)

The same behavior that was displayed in the scene that I talked about prior was back. He moved around erratically, he had an odd fondness toward the Hive, and initiated physical contact with Emma and Ted, all things he didn’t do before.

Then he shifted back into his HS when he mentioned having a “second chance.” (x)

After talking about musical theatre, he reverted back to his IS when he started talking about Charlotte’s anatomy after being infected, leading to the line, “This is humanity’s eleventh hour and I’ve prepared something for the occasion.”

Hidgens then proceeded to sing as his IS, but when he mentioned Working Boys: A New Musical and gave Emma and Ted the pitch, his HS wasn’t entirely present and wasn’t entirely absent as well.

During some of the parts of “Show Stopping Number,” there were moments when both were present, not fighting for control like with Paul, but coexisting because they both had the desire to sing and dance, especially when the HS was given the chance to show off something it was proud of.

You know before when I talked about the blue tint? Well, it’s coming back now.

The presence of both the IS and the HS was shown in the lighting during the song.

In this picture, there were the colors red, blue, and purple. In TGWDLM, blue is associated with the Hive. Even though red isn’t assigned to the human race any other places in the musical, I believe that, because of the presence of purple in this part of the scene, the red does symbolize humanity.

The lighting reflected Hidgens’s dual identities that appear during this song: the IS (blue), the HS (red), and the strange mix of both (purple).

For example, during the first stanza, Hidgens had a blue light shining behind him, showing that it was his IS singing.

However, when the song moved into its second stanza, Hidgens left the piano and a more colorful background appeared.

Now, if you looked carefully, most of these colors had appeared in the background of songs either prior or after this one.

- Green: “Not Your Seed”

- Purple: “La Dee Dah Dah Day”

- Red (not shown): “Show Me Your Hands”

- Pink: “You Tied Up My Heart”

- Burnt Orange: Beginning of “Inevitable”

- Light Blue: Later in “Show Stopping Number”

- Light Orange: the background for most of the parts of scenes with no members of the Hive in them

The combination of these colors with the addition of the light orange showed that the HS was present, even in the mass of songs that the Hive previously or will perform.

However, one of the interesting parts of that particular color scheme was the light blue lighting.

This is the part that he introduced Working Boys.

This is during the “Greg... and Steve...” part.

This is during the final verse before “Greg” and “Stu” joined in.

The concept of the blue lighting in my theory was similar to that of the purple. It symbolized the coexistence of both the IS and the HS. Instead of the majority being the IS like in the purple, the majority was in favor of the HS.

In the first picture, Hidgens was explaining the plot to his musical, which was something that the Hive didn’t know about. Then, when the lighting changed back to the rainbow, the IS used it to continue the singing, perfecting it.

The same thing happened with the second one. Hidgens returned to his HS to talk about the people that he lost and then went right back to singing and dancing (which I will get back to).

The third picture was Hidgens’s HS finally getting into it, relishing at the moment that he achieved his dreams of performing his musical and performing in front of people in general.

Now, before I go any further, the times that “Five o’clock can’t come soon enough” was sung, something different happened.

The lights flashed from

red

to blue

then green.

Similar to the previous rainbow lighting, these different colors were reminiscent of prior events, but only the ones that the Hive visibly harmed one of the main characters.

- Red: “You Tied Up My Heart” and Charlotte (x)

- Blue: “America Is Great Again” and Ted (x)

- Green: “Not Your Seed” and Bill (x)

Even though Ted was still very much so alive during this part, it foreshadowed his death and the death of Hidgens.

To finish the analysis of “Show Stopping Number,” the rainbow background came back when “Greg” and “Stu” appeared, signaling that the IS overtook him again, because, otherwise, how could the other members of the Hive known the harmonies and choreography to the song?

The last part to analyze is Hidgens’s death. (x)

This moment is truly Hidgens’s last moments alive and, more importantly, as a human.

When luring the Hive to his home, Hidgens’s HS didn’t think about the implications of following through with the plan. He thought that he was just going to join the Hive.

But, to completely become one with the Hive, the HS needed to be killed and destroyed.

When “Greg” and “Stu” killed him, Hidgens’s HS died and the IS took over.

This same thing happened with Paul when the grenade killed his HS and left the IS to resurrect himself, going after Emma to make sure she became one of them too.

In conclusion, Hidgens was infected and only got more and more infected as the musical went on.

———

Thanks for reading this! I hope you enjoyed this! I just find this kind of shit interesting. I don’t know if any of this is true, but this was my justification for something that didn’t make sense to me. That’s why it might not make sense. It kind of just a more refined brain dump of the last version of this.

#starkid #henry hidgens #professor hidgens #the guy who didn't like musicals #tgwdlm #my analysis #robert manion #long post #jesus christ hit me with a train #emma perkins #emma tgwdlm

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ddproductionsw77 · 7 years

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She Always Is.

Fandom: Girl Meets World

Pairing(s): Riarkle (Mainly), Markle (Platonically but you could read it as one-sided romance???), Stuart x Jennifer

Characters: Farkle Minkus, Riley Matthews, Maya Hart, Stuart Minkus, Jennifer Bassett Minkus

Prompt from lucasfriarfan: Part 2 of They are Always. Can be read without part 1, but it might be confusing? This is Farkle recovering from being shot.

Part 1: They are Always

Author’s Note: Speaking with the person who gave me the original prompt for They are Always inspired me to do a part 2 for it… and so here it is… so many emotions!!!

Maya decides it is best for her to watch from afar.

Her two best friends are so wrapped up in each other that she wonders if they even realize they are still occupying a crowded hospital room. Riley tangles Farkle’s fingers with her own and presses the back of his hand into her chest, forehead-to-forehead as she quietly hushes him.

He’s two days out of being shot and he doesn’t like how the pain medication messes with his head so he has started refusing it.

Well, Maya doesn’t like how the pain messes with his everything so she’s about two seconds from forcing the pills down his scrawny throat.

But instead, she watches from afar and lets Farkle groan and whimper through the flare until he settles back in. He clutches Riley’s hands the whole time, his other fist tight on his blanket with white knuckles. Maya knows the grips gotta hurt but her best friend doesn’t so much as flinch, just whispers comforting, sweet nothings for only the boy to hear until it passes.

When it does, Farkle’s whole body relaxes and he’s a little out of breath. His hand goes slack in Riley’s but she keeps their fingers intertwined, pressing a kiss to his forehead before she slides back into the seat at his bedside. Sleepily, she uses one hand to rub her eyes.

Maya steps forward and glances over at Jennifer Minkus, who is busy typing on her phone, before turning back to the brunette.

“How you doing, Riles?”

Riley’s big, brown eyes fly open and she sits up straight, “Me? Oh, I’m fine.”

Maya knows she’s not. It’s been at least twenty hours since Riley had gotten any sleep and even that had just been drifting in and out. There is no way she was running on anything but fumes. She quirks an eyebrow at her friend.

Running a thumb gently over Farkle’s knuckles, Riley looks back up at her boyfriend. He’s already drifted back off, pain and exhaustion leaving him in a constant state of almost-asleep.

“He needs me.”

Maya’s heart aches in her chest at Riley’s words. She knows it’s true. Farkle needs Riley and as long as he does, Riley will be there.

Even if it takes everything she’s got.

So, Maya sighs in resignation and decides it is best for her to watch from afar.

“Mom, can you just-“

“I cannot believe this! Do these doctor’s know who we are?! We have the money for you to stay here until your dying day and they want to send you home?!”

“Mom! Really-“

“No, Farkle! I will take care of this!”

Riley presses against the wall as Jennifer Bassett Minkus whirls past her and out of the hospital room. She tries to bite back a smile at the woman’s antics but it’s no good the moment her brown eyes meet Farkle’s rolling blue.

Coming more into the room, the girl crosses her arms over her chest, “So, she’s not happy that you got the go-ahead to go home.”

“Uh, no,” Farkle answers with a tired smile even though Riley had made more of a statement than a question. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, dressed in normal clothes for the first time in days and even though he’s still sitting rigidly from pain and discomfort, the sight alone makes it easier for Riley to breathe.

He’s okay. He’s okay. He’s okay.

It’s all she can think most of the time.

As if reading her mind, Farkle takes one look at her and jerks his head in a gesture for her to come closer, “Come here, babe.”

Babe.

It’s one of the small pieces of this new thing that they are and she holds it close to her heart. She’s never liked that particular pet name and yet she melts when he says it.

Bashfully, Riley moves to stand inches from Farkle, his height making them level even with him seated. Peeking up at him through long eyelashes, she doesn’t risk leaning into him like she would have before. She can’t stand the idea of causing him pain.

That doesn’t stop Farkle from wrapping her up and pulling her closer anyways. He buries his face in the crook of her neck, in her sunflower and strawberry hair. His breath warms her skin as he mumbles, “What’s a matter?”

Reaching up with some lingering reluctance, Riley combs her fingers through the hair at the back of Farkle’s neck. It’s been days since he’s been able to style it, so it’s soft like down feathers. God, she loves his hair.

“I’m not sure I’m so happy you’re going home either,” Lightly grasping the fist full of hair, Riley pulls Farkle’s head back so that their noses are inches apart. “Convince me, Dr. Turtleneck.”

It's supposed to be witty and joking and at ease but Farkle can read her as easily as he can read the periodic table so he knows better. He hears the fear and desperation underneath, the panic. It still astounds him that Riley Matthews panics over him.

Gripping her hips, Farkle pulls even her closer and ignores the unforgiving pain that shoots from his wrapped bullet wound.

“Riley, my vital signs have been ideal and consistent for an extended period of time. My wound is clean and wrapped, showing no unusual signs of redness or tenderness. I haven’t had any fevers or indications of infection and I’ve been off of opioids for over forty-eight hours without relapse. In summary, I am okay.”

Worrying at her lower lip, Riley nods but doesn’t meet those electric blue eyes. Seconds pass and then soft, warm, perfect lips are pressing against her own and her brain temporarily short circuits.

All she feels is Farkle’s hands against the small of her back, the erratic pounding of her own heartbeat in her chest, and the flush settling over her cheeks. All she cares about is the scent of fresh laundry and the gasp Farkle steals from her when his tongue skims over her lips. All she knows is God, she loves his hair and he's okay.

He goes home and he has nightmares where things go a little differently.

Farkle knows by the fourth night he shoots up in his bed, sweating and gasping, that he probably needs to address the issue but part of him is embarrassed.

He manages to be Maya and Riley’s hero one time and he can’t handle the emotional fallout afterward. For about five minutes, he considers just powering through but then he realizes that means he’ll have to keep having that nightmare and decides it’s just not worth it.

He can’t watch the man in the alley point his gun at Riley again.

He can’t hear the bullet fly from the chamber again.

He can’t see Riley fall again.

Riley helps the nightmares when she’s there.

They don’t come at all if her body is curled into his side, the warm Star Wars-themed comforter cocooning them together. She keeps making comments about how he’s her hero and how he’s saved her life three times now but Farkle knows the truth.

Riley’s his hero and she saves him every day.

When the Matthews insist that Riley has to go home for a night or two, Maya stays with him. It’s a fundamental part of Maya that she is different from Riley and her differences don’t make Farkle love her less. They make him love her differently. And she comforts him differently.

She plays cold, uses humor and mockery to keep herself distant, but there’s a fire in her eyes and soul that make it abundantly clear how much she cares.

They lay side-by-side and look up at his planetarium, without speaking. He’s on his back and she’s on her stomach with her head tipped back, blonde hair spilling down her shoulders to the sketchbook open before her.

When he ‘star gazes’ with Riley, it is hours of whispering the names of constellations and pointing out each planet and listing every moon. With Maya, it is nothing but silence as he contempts and she sketches and sketches, every now and then glancing over at him like he might just fade away if left unacknowledged for too long. He always just meets her gaze, telling her without words that he won’t.

The nightmare still comes when Maya is with him, but he can shake them once he sees her alive and asleep next to him.

It’s the first night that he has to go without Riley or Maya and his mother has to rattle him awake so as to stop his screaming that he finally admits he needs help. Someone outside of the two girls might be able to help him through this, though he’s not confident.

Sitting on the crinkly paper of the exam table, Farkle doesn’t quite get it.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The doctor slaps a nice, neat name on it and that makes his parents believe everything is solved…But it’s not. The guy scribbles his hard earned MD on a prescription for anti-anxiety medication and sends the family and the boy on their way. Farkle can admit that he’s a little on edge but it pisses him off that he still doesn’t feel like he has any real answers.

Physically, he understands the problem, he knows what’s wrong with him.

On a chemical level, the issue is an excess of stress hormones like cortisol in his bloodstream. This causes him to feel stressed, depressed, lackluster. They create the nightmares and the new ticks he keeps developing, seemingly daily, and even make him lose his appetite at every meal.

The pills are meant to stimulate the gamma-aminobutyric acid in his brain and release the gratification hormone, dopamine, into his system. It will relax him, supposedly calm him. A little dopamine can go a long way, his doctor actually jokes. Farkle thinks it’s pretty tactless.

But Farkle’s whole life has been one anxious moment to the next. He knows how to deal with anxiety and this, this all-consuming panic and random bouts of blinding fear; it’s different.

Something is wrong with him.

And no one seems to hear him when he tries to tell them. It makes him feel even crazier than he’s already starting to think he might be and that makes him want to just stop trying to tell them anything.

Riley listens, at least, but she doesn’t understand.

A piece of him, an essential part of his being, something fundamental is missing or broken or something. He doesn’t know, he isn’t sure, but he can’t shake the weight and emptiness of it. Pills aren’t going to help that.

Besides, the medication makes his head foggy, so it goes in the trash.

It doesn’t take long for him to get caught, surprisingly.

“I found them in the trash, Stuart! The trash!” Farkle can hear his mother scream which is impressive considering how far across the top floor she is. “He threw his medication away!”

A hand tightens on his bicep and he looks down at Riley’s dark eyes in the soft glow of the planetarium. They are nestled together under his covers, warm and secure. He actually feels safe with her right there, a feeling he’s beginning to forget more and more every day.

“Tell me you didn’t.” She says, her voice quiet and wavering a little.

He doesn’t want to let her down but he can’t lie… They don’t lie to each other.

Riley sighs and sits up, hovering over him with the ends of her long hair tickling his cheeks. Tears pool in her eyes and he feels like complete shit because not only did he let her down but now he’d made her cry and goddamn it, Minkus…

“PTSD is serious, Farkle. I understand that the pills don’t work for you, but promise me you’ll find something that does. Don’t just let this go. Promise.”

Farkle stays silent and his gaze flickers back up to Cassiopeia over Riley’s head and then to Orion. Orion, the Hunter, who in his myth had been killed by a single, small scorpion after conquering all of the beasts of the land. He’d underestimated the severity of his opponent and it had cost him.

Reaching up, Farkle takes Riley’s face in his hands and kisses her, hard. After a long moment, the two pulled apart, both breathless, and his heart stutters because she’s smiling at him again and it’s been a while since she’s done that.

“I promise.”

It takes time.

However, Farkle has learned from his experiences with Riley Matthews that all great things do.

He has a panic attack the first day he returns to school and it’s Maya who finally manages to pull him back. Lucas joking smacks his shoulder about a month later and receives a hard right hook to the jaw out of instinct and fear but Farkle is forgiven instantly. Now, Smackle asks before she gives him a hug, the same way he once asked her. And Zay actually gets him to laugh.

It takes time.

But slowly, he learns to walk the streets of New York alone again. Reluctantly, he gets to the point where he can go outside without feeling like someone is lurking around every corner. And eventually, eventually, he starts sleeping through the night again on his own.

It takes time. But Riley is there.

She always is.

PTSD, depression, and anxiety are no joke guys. I wrote Farkle’s trauma from a different point of view as I do not have PTSD but I do have several anxiety issues and disorders and struggle on and off with depression. If you are suffering, remember you aren’t alone. If you ever need someone to talk to, PM me or contact the suicide prevention hotline at: 1-800-273-8255.

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xidaer · 7 years

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State of Xidaer, 1/3/17

CW: Cancer, depression, thoughts of suicide, hospitals, parental death, money stress

Okay, I’ve been meaning to post an update for a while. I’ve had projects- fan fic exchanges, holiday cards, etc- that have gone half done because of the following reason.

life

gah, let’s go over this piece by piece.

Cancer boy: He’s living in my g-ma’s house (with her permission) rent free and my aunt has been covering utilities. I’ve been handing him cash as needed and buying him groceries (his work placed him on forced leave of absence so he’s got no money coming in) Unfortunately, due to my uncle’s Parkinson's worsening and my aunt having severe caretaker burnout, there has been a crap ton of stress in their marriage. Why would this matter? My aunt married into the family and she’s the one with money. As such, she’s been the one paying for my grandmother’s very lush assisted living facility since my g-ma’s outlived her savings (she’s 92 now). With stress in their marriage, my uncle is hunting for ways to cut off the need for his wife’s support in that matter. Where would he find that money? G-ma’s house. We had been planning to sell it, then Cancer Boy came along. Now once CB’s dad dies (he also is super-mega dying of cancer), then CB will have the money to buy the house. But his dad just won’t die. The horrible fact is that his dad at this point wants to die, but for whatever reason despite being more tumor than man, his body just won’t quit.

That’s one aspect of money woes

Money/Health woes: My partner is out of PTO and has been taking gobs of unpaid time off to take care of my metamour(MM), who’s been dealing with her severe depression. Now my MM is in the hospital, not for psych stuff, but because on New Year’s Eve she started throwing up at 5 am and just couldn’t stop. Her heart rate was 145 and held steady at that for over 6 hours. Over the past 72 hours, they’ve figured out that she’s got sepsis (infection of the bloodstream) of gram positive anaerobic bacteria and just a few hours ago pinpointed the gallbladder as the source of the infection. She goes into surgery tomorrow. To say the least, that is stressful. But the money woes are because our bills are higher but my partner is bringing in a lot less money. So I’m just bleeding money between covering our bills and covering CB’s cost of living (not to mention buying more expensive vegan food for my submissive). My credit card is just over 2/3 to its limit.

My mental health: STRESS. I’m the point person for CB, almost his exclusive lifeline. I give him money, buy him food, watch his dog overnight, and I keep the secret of his illness from the majority of people and the severity of it from his cousin who I’m friends with. He goes in for brain surgery on Friday (assuming his vitals are strong enough today) and I’m going to be the one in the waiting room for him. In addition to being CB’s person, for the last several months I’ve been on ‘babysitting’ duty for MM, so my partner could have some time off and go to her Japanese class at night. I’ve had to be endlessly upbeat and reassuring to MM, and to be honest while I love her and she’s family and of course I want her to be safe, I just want to scream sometimes. My uncle is pulling me into his family drama with my aunt because he’s a lawyer (retired) and just can’t turn it off. He thinks she’s going to try and place him into guardianship and she doesn’t want to be his legal guardian, which leaves me to be that person. He is going to fight that scenario tooth and nail if she actually tries for it. It won’t be pretty. Another stressor is my friend T. because I was the one who took her to the psych ER because she wanted to kill herself. Now I’ve committed to cooking for her a couple times a week the entire month of January because she’s finally doing ECT in the hopes that it will knock out her depression. ECT means she just can’t adult very well so a bunch of her friends are pitching in to make sure she has food and other necessities. I, of course, still have weekly dinner with my g-ma and my sister pesters me for weekly outings. I’m also her point person and needed to work with her staff arranging holiday pick-ups and her annual staffing meeting for updating her paperwork has to be scheduled within the next month. Oh yeah, I also have my full-time job. With all this going on, my depression has reared it’s ugly head, telling me I’m horrible and wouldn’t it be great to think of ways to kill myself? Trust me, I immediately set up an appointment with my therapist and vented to a friend of mine. That appointment was tough, but good. I see her again this Thursday, too. So, a lot of my projects have fallen by the wayside and I really appreciate everyone’s patience with me.

#personal post #tw cancer #cancer boy #polycule #family #stressssssssssssssss #tw mental health #tw suicidal thoughts #I'm dealing #doing all the things

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wikipress01 · 6 years

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The HIV-positive man who stopped thousands getting the virus

Greg Owen wished a brand new drug, not accessible via the NHS, that will cease him changing into HIV-positive. But it was too late – he already had the virus. Despite this, he and a good friend labored on an bold plan to assist thousands of others get the new remedy.

“You know when you do one thing… when your whole life changes? Pressing that send on Facebook was actually the moment my whole life changed.”

Greg Owen grew up in Belfast, the eldest of six youngsters. It was the 1980s, the peak of the Troubles, and he was, as he places it, “very gay”.

Fast-forward to London in 2015. Greg is working in bars and golf equipment, sleeping on pals’ sofas.

There is not any signal of what’s to return – that Greg goes to assist save thousands of lives and alter the method the NHS thinks about homosexual males having intercourse.

Then, Greg met Alex Craddock.

“He was cute, a little bit sassy. And I fancied him a little bit,” says Greg.

Alex had simply come again from New York. He had one thing Greg wished very a lot. He was on Prep, a comparatively new drug seen as a game-changer in the battle in opposition to HIV an infection.

If you might be on Prep and have intercourse with somebody with HIV, the drug will cease you changing into HIV constructive – even in case you are not sporting a condom.

Greg was intrigued. “I was trying to get Prep. And Alex was already on it. He’d got in the States.” Alex instructed him it was straightforward to get in New York. But Alex’s provide was about to expire. Here in the UK, it wasn’t accessible.

“I’d been given this amazing new thing and then it had been taken away from me,” Alex says. “That’s when I first met Greg.”

At the time, HIV diagnoses for top danger teams in the UK have been going up. One in eight homosexual males in London had HIV.

Short for pre-exposure prophylaxis, Prep is a tablet you’re taking earlier than penetrative intercourse.

Some customers take it every day – whereas others take it “on demand”, in the days earlier than and after intercourse.

If a condom just isn’t worn, and also you come into contact with HIV, the drug stops the virus from getting into the bloodstream completely. Prep is prevention not remedy.

But earlier than you possibly can take Prep, it’s important to ensure you do not have already got HIV.

Greg had managed to pay money for a small quantity of the drug – and so he went for a check.

He wasn’t too frightened as he’d gone for sexually transmitted an infection (STI) checks pretty often. He was watching the physician. He knew the way it labored. The testing package would present one dot for unfavourable, and two for constructive. Suddenly, in a heartbeat, every little thing modified.

“Literally, ‘Boom,’ like two dots so [the doctor] didn’t even have to say anything, I saw it because it was sitting in-between us.”

Greg felt numb, trapped and alone. “I was seeing people go past me and I felt like I was in like a bubble – like there was a something separating me from the rest of the world.”

And that is when he made the choice that modified his life and perhaps that of thousands of different homosexual males.

He determined to disclose this large secret to the world. So, he posted on Facebook that he was HIV constructive. And he talked about Prep – this drug few knew a lot about, which might have stopped him getting HIV.

His telephone “just lit up”, he says.

“First of all, people couldn’t believe I’d done that. And then there was, ‘What is all this Prep stuff?’ Why would Prep have kept you HIV negative?’ So, I could tell people what Prep was and I could tell people how it worked. And then obviously the next question was, ‘How do I get Prep?'”

Watch Greg and Alex’s story

The People vs The NHS: Who Gets the Drugs? was first broadcast on BBC Two.

It is now accessible on the BBC iPlayer together with extra programmes about the NHS at 70.

And that was Greg and Alex’s subsequent transfer.

“We don’t even need the government right now,” Alex recollects them saying. “We can do it ourselves. We’ll tell everyone to order pharmaceutical drugs on the internet and start taking them.”

From Alex’s bed room, they began constructing an internet site.

First, got here all the medical data folks wanted to know. And then, the bit everybody wished – the alternative to “click to buy”. “We didn’t want to make any money ourselves. We were just linking up buyers to sellers,” Greg says.

It was a easy, radical thought.

“I’m not going to wait for the NHS to come and save me,” Alex recollects. “I want Prep now and this is how I’m going to get it.”

So, they referred to as the web site I Want Prep Now. It launched in October 2015.

They obtained 400 hits in the first 24 hours and it mushroomed from there.

Then, the medical career took an curiosity.

Mags Portman, an NHS advisor on HIV and sexual well being, emailed Greg asking if she might meet. Will Nutland, an activist at Prepster, an internet site giving details about Prep, additionally turned concerned.

Will even turned a guinea pig.

He took Prep capsules from new suppliers after which had his blood examined at Portman’s sexual well being clinic. It examined greater than 300 batches and located no fakes.

At the identical time, the UK Medical Research Council was operating the Proud examine, evaluating homosexual males on Prep in opposition to non-users.

The outcome was so clear-cut – an 86% fall in new HIV infections amongst in Prep customers – that the examine was ended early and people on the examine not taking Prep have been instantly provided it.

So the place was NHS England?

At the finish of 2014, it had begun a course of to resolve whether or not Prep must be made accessible. Time handed, nothing occurred.

“It was very, very difficult and frustrating as a clinician to know that this HIV prevention tool was out there,” says Mags.

“We couldn’t access it and we couldn’t prescribe it and we were seeing people that we knew were at risk and then coming back with HIV.”

By 2016, the NHS was nonetheless debating the matter. And then it mentioned no.

“I was gobsmacked,” says Sheena McCormack, professor of medical epidemiology, who ran the Proud trial.

“Oh, my goodness, it was absolutely horrifying,” says Mags.

But what started in a bed room ended up going to the High Court.

The National Aids Trust, a charity, took NHS England to courtroom. They wished Prep to be checked out based on the identical guidelines as another new treatment can be.

The stakes have been excessive. The Terrence Higgins Trust – one other main HIV/Aids charity – despatched a letter to the Times, saying that on daily basis Prep was delayed no less than 17 folks have been changing into contaminated with HIV.

The authorized case was advanced. The NHS mentioned it wasn’t legally required to fund prevention. That was the job of native authorities, it mentioned.

The NHS was dealing with one among the largest funding crises in its seven-decade historical past. It was not a superb time to be taking up new funding duties. Today, regardless of file ranges of funding, there are nonetheless funding gaps.

The case additionally revealed one thing else – society’s view of what homosexual males have been entitled to.

The journalist and broadcaster Andrew Pierce, who is homosexual himself, is in opposition to Prep being funded by the state.

“I don’t think the NHS can afford £450 per month to a homosexual,” he says.

“Because this is what it is about – indulging gay men who don’t want to use a condom. Well, that is outrageous – why should the taxpayer subsidise a reckless sex life?”

But for Greg, “gay guys have the right to fear-free, guilt-free, disease-free sex”. For too lengthy, he says, there was an excessive amount of self-loathing.

“We are ultimately conditioned to believe that love, particularly sex between two men, always has to come at a price. And it doesn’t.”

In courtroom, the NHS’s argument unravelled. It turned out it did fund prevention – statins, for instance, which assist to decrease dangerous ldl cholesterol. The choose discovered unequivocally in favour of the National Aids Trust.

But NHS England mentioned it could attraction and despatched out a press launch that Ian Green, chief govt of the Terrence Higgins Trust, remembers all too effectively. “They said the decision had been taken for high risk men who have condomless sex, with multiple sexual partners – it was condemnatory.”

For Greg, it was hurtful. “It just felt, that felt really vicious actually. It felt like sour grapes.”

Suddenly the NHS’s decision-making was below the microscope at nearly a philosophical stage.

“It’s interesting, this question of personal responsibility and on what role it plays in the NHS’s decisions – officially it doesn’t play any role at all,” says Sean Sinclair, a medical ethicist at the University of Leeds. “Unofficially, you can see it playing a role.”

The matter was settled in November 2016. The NHS misplaced its authorized attraction and must take duty for Prep.

Greg, by now again in Northern Ireland, was working in a pub. “I was literally crying. Serving pints of beer to this poor Belfast boy who probably thought I was absolutely off my rocker.”

So what’s occurred since then?

By summer time final 12 months, eight clinics in London, and several other outdoors the capital, had taken half in a trial to offer Prep. And many extra males purchase the drug privately resulting from higher consciousness. In August 2017, the NHS in England introduced it could give Prep to 10,000 folks in a £10m trial lasting three years.

In Wales, the drug is offered from chosen NHS sexual well being clinics as a part of an analogous trial. Prep just isn’t presently accessible from the NHS in Northern Ireland. Scotland is the solely a part of the UK to supply full Prep provision via the NHS.

For the first time lately, the HIV analysis fee in homosexual males is down. From 2015 to 2016, it was down by about 20% nationwide. But in sure clinics in London it fell by 40%.

“That was the first moment when we were able to take a step back and actually be quite shocked at how effective all of this was,” says Alex.

Opponents say Prep could undermine safe-sex messages. They level to a four-year Australian examine in the Lancet, suggesting that as Prep use grows, condom use falls. And males not on the drug, due to this fact not benefiting from it, have been additionally having extra condomless intercourse, the researchers say.

But for Sheena McCormack, who ran the Proud trial, Prep continues to be a game-changer.

“We in all probability had carried out as a lot as we presumably might in the method of frequent testing, early analysis and early remedy.

“The piece that was lacking was the HIV-negative people who have been catching HIV in-between their HIV assessments. That’s the place Prep fills the hole.”

Prep can also save the NHS cash.

Scientists at University College London who studied its cost-effectiveness mentioned it could value cash for the first few a long time however after 40 years it could start to avoid wasting the NHS money.

And after 80 years it could save the UK about £1bn, they predicted.

Greg typically tears up when he thinks about the place they have to.

He remembers one telephone name particularly that made him cry. Sheena McCormack was on the line. It was Christmas 2016, a number of weeks after the Appeal Court victory.

She instructed him that with out his web site, the one arrange by him and Alex, there would have been solely tiny numbers of individuals on Prep.

“Sheena was like, ‘I want you to strip it back, think about the people, of the thousands of people walking around now HIV negative because of something that you did.'”

Looking again, Greg says there was no grand plan. “I had a humble objective. I just wanted one person to remain HIV negative on the back of my diagnosis. That way it’s HIV equal. If we prevent a second person, then I have won – my HIV status didn’t cost anything.”

It’s truthful to say, he received large.

Image copyright:

BBC, Getty Images, Greg Owen, Claire McGeown and Alex Craddock.

Source hyperlink from http://www.wikipress.co.uk/health/the-hiv-positive-man-who-stopped-thousands-getting-the-virus/

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petereston-blog · 7 years

Photo

Hi! I’m Peter Eston. I live in the place where most people value family bonds, love, and of course virginity. Well, at least not for me. By the time I turn 28, I’m confident that I’ll be holding a doctorate degree in Education wearing an Onesimus polo barong and a slim fit black slack and a pair of Mendrez not-so pointed shoes. Or probably a plain white shirt and a trousers and a pair of black Vans shoes while I enjoy the night in The Pads by Padi’s Point. It’s not me being conceited and proud, just as I said I’m just too confident. I am smart, I think. I do have high grades in my transcript of records except in Math. I believe that it’s Math that hates me because I do love Math. It’s just that before exams I know how to solve the problems but when I already have the paper, well that is another issue. That makes me conclude that math is a kind of social suicidal.

I do have a lot of friends. I have friends from the school I am enrolled, not to mention my backstabbing dellusional egotistical girl friends. I also have bar friends. We really are friends when in bar, but when not, they’re just pieces of craps to be with. There’s this one time when I became a gay on Facebook as I saw this posted, “I’m a gay and I used to be”, that’s because of my best friends. Take note, do not leave your Facebook open and unattended especially when your best friends are around.

I spend most of my time with these guys playing beerpong, kicking the night out in a bar, and making theories about drinking. Maybe the reason that we are able to make a theory on the hierarchy of getting wasted due to too much intake of alcohol. Level one: TIPSY. This is the state wherein you get the gut and confidence to boast because of the 2 bottles of beers assimilated in your bloodstream. Level two: DRUNK. Most people would love this stage because by this time you really can’t stop feeling the beat and all you want to do is to shake your booties and party like a bad ass with other folks in the bar. Level three: SOBER. Here comes the word “vomit” due to excessive intake of beer or vodka or tequilla or whatsoever you drink. The last stage is definitely the worst: WASTED. You have no idea what had happened. All you’ll know is that you’re on your bed at the worst state of your looks with your bad breath. And there comes the most hateful feeling, HANGOVER.

My teenage had been so happy and satisfied. It was as long as I had my mom to give me my allowances. I also had a collection of romantic comedy and drama movies. My favorite part was romance. It was when my 5-inch dick started to erect, it was 4.5 actually I rounded it off for my friends not to make fun of me. Oh fuck!

I had a 13-year old girlfiend, Sally Ludwig, but we broke due to unnecessary issue. It was that I kissed her but she really did had a bad breath. I thought the kiss would be spontaneous like a scene from my favorite movie but it turned out to be a comedy movie. She had my first kiss. A bad breath was my first kiss! That’s why I never forgot Sally then.

Life had been that simple not until I met Molly Miller. She’s my classmate in the junior and the senior year. I became friends with her. We did a lot of memories together. We get drunk, we laughed at each other’s mistakes, we shared principles, we made each other believed, we were more like best friends though we’re not. Till these memories turned out to hugs and kisses. That was the kiss I said that was spontaneous. The four classroom walls could proved how we loved each other by then. We even had those kisses in the corridor, in hall walls, and even in the stairs to computer building.

We entered different universities in college but we shared a common goal. Distance didn’t matter at first. We were able to travel and to see different places at its best perspectives. I came to know everything and even the deepest about her. She did too. Everything was about “we”, “us”, and “together.” We were at our best.

A touch turned to hugs. Hugs changed to kisses. Kisses built fire. We did it not once but a number only us can count. Oh fuck. I loved her. It was some kind of a story everbody would like to tell. But I was wrong. Everything was not about“we”, “us”, and “together”, it’s all about “her.” I loved her so much that it killed her. She was like a child who ate a cheese, and after slicing the cheese into pieces, she had most of it, but when she lost her appetite she left it and went out to see her playmate. She had another.

“If it was love, it will last. If it was not, it’s just the spark built by chemistry.” Or maybe you’ll be left by an unanswered question; “Why do God let some people meet when they too have to part ways?”

Bad thing about being left was that you’d get stuck to the place where she first left you. It’s such a pity that most people didn’t understand. The worse thing was you act as strangers when in fact you knew everything about that bitch. And the worst thing was they made you believed that everything was real then left you with nothing but a broken heart - Damn!

I started to find my worth. More often in bars, sometimes in parties. Or in my friends’ houses, of course drunk. I was wasted yet few friends out of many had sympathy. I called the few the “chosen ones”. Not literally the Bible story but because it was not a choice for them to stay but took it as a responsibility to make me felt I had them. Shit guys! We’re all going to be the shareholders of our own bar in few years.

I went out with my friends from elementary grade whom I never knew I’d be with. I experienced even one of the well-known bars in the country. To make the night count, we didn’t pay and got out so smoothly without no one noticing us. That was fucking crazy! We did jay walking and then ran after the enforcer. I did crazy stupid things with these guys. They put some spice into my life and it would be thrilling if I lose them.

The many were called the “double-tongued.” They were the mean, unwelcoming, unprincipled, sinful, incompetent backstabbing people you wouldn’t likely to meet in bars and in school, most especially in the library.

I felt like I already experienced everything about life. I even did the weirdest and the stupidest thing a man could do. It all happened when I met Kelly Foster in a bar. She really had a nice booby and booty. It was usual that a man could sex a girl like Kelly but a threesome wasn’t. Yes. We did it. It’s fucked as hell! A day I went to school as a student, the night I went to bar as one of the party goers then in the morning by the time I woke I am a fuck boy? Oh. Holy Shit!

We never meant what happened. I knew it was a mistake in the first place, but when it happened again, I was sure it was already a choice.

With all that happened, I made a bucket list. They’re as follows:

1. To go solo backpacking

2. To buy something I really want

3. To be on a cliff/ mountain top with worthy people

4. To experience ice skating

5. To have ** with a stranger

6. A dress up date night

7. To be someone’s everything

8. To make myself believe again

These lists I made were the things I really wanted to experience. Of course, that’s why

it’s called a bucket list. I started to feel discontentment with all the things I have. This discontentment brought me to Felicidad Samuel. I used to call her Felly. Her name means happiness. It was such a coincidence that I met her during the Christmas Season, maybe to make the season happy and prosperous.

She was the girl a man could probably hope except for one thing, gossips were that she had a Sexually Transmitted Disease or STD. Oh fuck! I wanted to make out with her but it’s just that I didn’t want to get infected. Though gossips were gossips, but sometimes gossips I believe is some sort of theories that haven’t been proven yet. But we did something to fill up my cravings and my sexual needs. Everytime we met a wind blew through the river making its water flows through the dry hills making them fertile. Oh holy shit! You know what I mean. This metaphor happened again and again not until she started to be like so possessive.

Maybe I needed to be thrilled. Or maybe I didn’t need any of these fucking love life. So I just enjoyed my fucking good life and went to parties with Julie Will. Julie had the worst past I knew. She lost her 6-year boyfriend in a car accident. It was such an irony that I had the worst break up that anyone could have, then a month after that, she had hers. Well, I woudn’t deny Julie was my first love. She’ll always be. We’ve gone through the same thing. It made me want to take care of her and be his best friend. She shared everything to me because she knew I felt the same way. I knew I was falling but I also believed it was wrong. And so I kept it. I didn’t want her to think that I’m taking advantage of her.

We shared a lot of experiences together. We’ve gone to REDvolution: A World Aids Awareness. It was the first time that we went to see thousands of people the same as we. And in result to that, we jumped high while we put our hands in the air. “We didn’t just drink, we party hard.” Moreover, We got 20 condoms from the party and kept it in my bag. We loved the pleasures that these parties offered. And so, we attended HydroMNL. What’s so good about HydroMNL was that they retweeted me on twitter. Then it started the tweets about the party. Oh Com’on!. At night I saw same faces of people from REDvolution. The best that happened was that no one left the party not wet. We were all wet, literally!

“Everything is possible. If it does, it is done. If it is impossible, then it will be done.”

But before you conclude whom I’d be with, Let me introduce you to my girlfriend now. She is Shelly Susan. Of all the girl stories above, she’s the one who’s always been there for me. She knows everything about me because I never lie to her. She accepts the whole Peter Eston. Shelly knows even the little things that any of these girls wouldn’t know. She gives me chocolate when I’m stressed. She buys me pizza rolls because she knows I would kiss her if she does. She hugs me more than I hug her because she knows how I love to feel loved. She kisses my shoulder because I do have a lot of goose bumps whenever she does that. When I lean on her chest, I would easily fall to sleep. Yes. We cuddle most of the time.

She don’t know how much I love her because I barely show the affection. A thing I am sure about her is that she laughs so loud, it makes her so innocent. She has this ability that makes anyone feels best and satisfied. It makes me wanna be with her even more. I love her. I wanna own everything of her, though I already do. If you would notice she always does a tiger look whenever she smells my cigarette. She likes to talk to me everytime I get drunk because I get to sweet that it makes her feel so loved.

She’s clingy. She pinches me most of the time, I don’t know why. She even bites when I least expect it. She has this habit of repeating what she says. She also has what most girls call “a girlfriend’s instinct.” She knows when I flirt with other girls. She gets mad when I do that. And so I stopped. I don’t wanna give her the reason not to love me because I’m so fucking in love in the way she loves me.

Shelly is the kind of girl I know that has the least experience of the many people I met. She’s an in-house daughter. I actually never thought I would love a girl like Shelly, but she digs me. Her situation makes me wanna show her that the world is so big that it could offer a lot of possibilities and opportunities. And so I make every moments count. It is that “sometimes it’s good to break the rules.” It is the first time she feels like to be a real girl in the real world making decisions and doing crazy stupid things for herself.

She digs me. But so did I. I already have plans with her. Truth is, I cannot end this story. My story with Shelly Susan will forever be continuous. And I have no plans on getting tired writing our story. My life with would-be Mrs. Eston may never be as perfect as those other relationships but one thing I am surely proud of is that everything about us is true and real. Only me deserves her.

The best thing my love Shelly makes me realize is that “Leave what was, live what is, and prepare for what will be.”

#self acceptance #lovesick #wake me when it's over #fiction

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