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whentherewerebicycles · 1 year

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ok finished my morning meetings and got to have a really nice goodbye with the HR team ladies. i love them so much!! they were truly the one bright spot of that job... just this little team of super competent, kind, & funny women who were such a delight to work with. and they are all scattering to the winds too... two just got big promotions that will take them out of our office and the other is going on maternity leave (and i kinda wonder how long she’ll stick around when she comes back). i got to work on a big project with them for a few months this winter and the whole thing was just like... me observing how capable they all were but also how undervalued and condescended to they were by their direct boss. idk man! i am sure people management is extremely hard work but also it really does not seem THAT hard to speak to people in a way that conveys that you recognize and respect them as people. and i feel like it’s probably a bit like teaching in the sense that to do it effectively you have to learn to self-regulate your own emotions like a grownup instead of letting your stress and frustration about work continually spill over onto the people you supervise.

my dad was asking me yesterday what i felt like i learned from this job... and i feel like i learned virtually nothing in terms of useful skills or content lol but i DO feel like i learned a lot about organizational hierarchies and interpersonal relationships in the workplace and what ineffective people management looks like. i know i already did a version of this journaling a few months ago when i decided i HAD to get out of this job, but i want to do a slightly updated/final version just to mark this point of closure & to think about the specific concrete things i want to apply to future workplaces. so here we go!

things i want to take with me:

for the love of godddd jes don’t ever take your work frustrations out on people who are less powerful than you, no matter how stressed you are or how much pressure you’re under. if you are coming into a meeting hot and you can’t manage your own emotions, you need to take five, breathe, and get your shit together so you can transition into the next meeting without letting all your negative overwhelmed emotions avalanche onto everyone else who’s just sitting there nervously trying to figure out if they’re in trouble or if there’s something they should be doing to make you less mad. it wasn’t like my bosses were MEAN or anything! i just feel like people aren’t always good at recognizing when they’re super stressed and that makes it hard for them to self-regulate or self-soothe, which means bad feelings start leaking everywhere and you get this awful free-floating miasma of anxiety/tension that is very difficult to dispel.

don’t talk to your employees negatively about your other employees. i am just going to make this a categorical rule for myself in all situations, not just with people i’m supervising but also with students and coworkers and bosses. if i would feel uncomfortable with that person overhearing what i’m saying, i shouldn’t be saying it to someone else. i can write about it in my little diary if i need to process it lol but like... just keep that kind of gossipy venting talk out of the workplace. it damages trust!!! i feel like often our bosses would be venting to us about another employee or team, and it was always framed as “well YOU understand why this is so maddening, YOU aren’t like this” but how can you really trust that? i feel like the message it sends is: ‘you’re in my good graces now, but if you ever make a mistake that annoys me, I will have no qualms about venting to your colleagues about how incompetent you are at your job.’ it just creates suuuuch bad vibes and i think can really lead to certain people (cough my l**d) trying frantically to curry favor with the boss & being quick to throw others under the bus to avoid being the target of that derision. i just really really think there is no room in relationships of any kind, professional or otherwise, for derision or contempt, even if you are not aiming it directly at the other person.

respect people’s time. treat other people’s time as exactly as valuable as your own no matter what rung on the power hierarchy they occupy. this drove me absolutely fucking NUTS in this job. my lead was constantly changing meeting times five minutes before they started without telling me or showing up to meetings 5-10 min late without giving me a heads up that she was running late. obviously stuff comes up now and then and that’s fine! but people deserve to have a reasonably predictable schedule and if things need to be shifted around they deserve to be consulted in that decision. i feel like, again, the underlying theme of all of this stuff is just... think about the implicit message you are sending. because every time she fucked with my schedule like that, the message was: ‘my time is more valuable than yours. my priorities, my projects, my workload, my preferences for what the workday looks like are all far more important than yours. and when i am changing things around to suit my needs, you don’t even register as important enough to me for me to reach out and notify you of the change. it is YOUR job to be attuned always to my changing needs & desires and to adjust your own expectations or preferences to suit mine.’ phew i’m getting heated again just thinking about it!!!!

do not, ever, under any circumstances, claim other people’s work as your own. just don’t fucking do it, not even if it seems easier or more convenient to elide their contributions into a general “we” or whatever. attribute ideas to the people who came up with the ideas. recognize and name the work people do!!! this is ESPECIALLY important when they have less power or clout than you!!!!!

my dad has said this to me a lot but i feel like i didn’t really fully get it until this job... he said that when you are managing people, part of your job is to help develop the person you’re managing so that one day they can leave that job and move up to a bigger job with more responsibility. you’re managing personalities and performance to ensure that the work gets done at a certain standard, but you’re also holding someone’s longer professional trajectory in your mind and actively asking yourself: how can i help this person develop and grow? what are their areas of strength and weakness? how can i give them opportunities to publicly shine where they’re already strong, as well as projects that will really challenge them to develop skills they’re lacking? how can i treat each interaction as an opportunity to both gain greater insight into how they think/work/make decisions and to give them thoughtful feedback that will help positively shape their decision-making? i feel like one of the most demoralizing parts of this job was just feeling like nothing i did really mattered, nothing i did was recognized or elicited feedback beyond a cursory “that was great, thanks,” and no one spared a single thought to what my future in the organization might look like (much less felt like they had any role to play in shaping that future). i saw so many smart, capable people leave the organization over the course of nine months and i feel like the organizational attitude was just indifference... like it just felt like nobody cared about a good person leaving because anyone in the org could be replaced at any time and each new person who came in would be pretty much interchangeable with the person who’d left. which to me is so different than an attitude that is like, “i recognize that you are smart and competent, and because of that i believe (and actively hope!) that you will eventually outgrow this role and be ready to move onwards and upwards into a bigger role with more responsibility. but part of my role is to help you get the most out of this role, both for the organization’s benefit and so that you can be really, really well-equipped to take that next step in your career when it’s time.” idk man! like obviously the latter approach takes a lot more care and thoughtfulness and curiosity about the inner lives of your fellow human beings! but I suspect the payoff is actually worth it!

fuck gallup strengths lol. fuck it forever. it does have some limited utility as an initial tool for assessing people’s values & work styles, but after that it just becomes empty meaningless corporate buzzwords that become a lazy shorthand for the harder work of actually building a meaningful relationships with people so you can understand how they see the world. and get OUT of here with that noise about how you should never focus on your weaknesses. the best, most useful, most meaningful work I’ve ever done in my life has emerged out of a commitment to really looking at my weaknesses and working hard to develop those areas where I’m not as naturally or instinctively strong.

LASTLY: if i am in a position of power over someone, i can and should be friendly towards them, but i am not their friend! they do NOT see me as their friend. they are not going to speak to me with the same openness and honesty as a peer. they are not going to naturally feel comfortable bringing issues or concerns to me the way someone at my own level might, and that is true no matter how smiley and upbeat i am in conversation with them. i might feel like i’m just the same friendly approachable person i always was, but people see you differently when you are in a position of power over them and they are going to interact with you in more guarded ways. i am going to have to assume that people are not being fully honest with me - not that they’re lying to me or deceiving me in some way, just that they are in a more vulnerable position and have to use a different calculus in deciding how to frame things or when to bring concerns to me. (this is ESPECIALLY true if i am inviting people to share feedback or concerns that might be critical of the way i’m approaching a project.) i want to remember that if i really want people to be more open with me, i have to PUT IN THE WORK of demonstrating that i am a person who is worthy of that trust, ie someone who will listen attentively and ask thoughtful questions in an attempt to understand, then respond to the concerns raised without retaliating or punishing anyone or nursing weird little grudges against the person who brought them to me. earning trust happens slowly over time, as you give people the chance to observe you repeatedly and consistently behaving in fair, transparent, non-vindictive ways across a wide range of situations. ugh if i take only one thing away from this job let it be this!!!! being nice is not the same as being worthy of trust. and it can feel EXTREMELY gross and disempowering to be caught in a professional power dynamic where the more powerful person acts/talks in a way that seems soooo “nice” and smiley on the surface, then repeatedly reveals that they have zero qualms about fucking you over in big and small ways the second it’s politically convenient for them to do so.

#work #don't rb #long post

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racalbrecht · 2 years

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the last bits of Ep 6, somewhat deconstructed

Hello, I’m here to throw this meta into the tumblr void because Ep 6 happened and my brain cannot cope. there’s a MILLION things i want to say and discuss (if anybody wants to be my friend in dissecting kp pls hit me up) but I’ve chosen…the later part of the episode for my sanity.

I apologize in advance for the low-res screenshots but I had to make do with what I could find :””””)

Right before they jump, we have the truck scene - so serene, so peaceful - and the fact that they use the same soundtrack as their sex scene in Ep 4 just underlines the fact that this is a milestone in their relationship, where they lean into each other for comfort and warmth. AT THE SAME TIME THOUGH, this is a VERY different scene -- where in the sex scene we get close ups of their bodies, just focusing on touches, in this scene we get the camera backing away from them.

It’s as if Kinn is thinking far into the future, where he can dream of them as just two dots on earth, unassuming, unsubstantial, just normal adults living life and -- most importantly -- they are no different from each other. just two specks of dust in the grander scheme of things.

I think the choice of having the truck in the middle is of a road is very much them - they've finally met each other in the middle, after an uphill battle, but yet at the end we do see that it's also an intersection -- Kinn has reached somewhere where he can let Porsche go to his own dreams, knowing that he's never going to fulfill his own.

After the truck scene we see Kinn saying "I can feel that we're gonna find a way out today" - he's more optimistic out of the two and has been saying it every morning, despite the fact that out of the two of them he...wants it less. but he genuinely wants to keep the morale up, and idk if he's already decided to let Porsche go at the end of it or not, but he certainly is putting Porsche first so far (because he can get away with it, nobody can see his true self do it). and true Kinn is just....so precious.

When Kinn hears someone calling out to him, we clearly see him hesitating. as someone who's been trained to open handcuffs with a knife he must know there is a possibility that that someone may not be his family's team. yet he runs towards it.

After they fell, Kinn's hand reaches out to help Porsche stand, but he refrains from doing so. Why? I feel like guilt may have something to do with it - after all, they could've tried to find another route, a safer one - and yet, he's the one who convinced Porsche to jump, and Porsche is hurt because of him, again. (they did just cuddle in the truck, so he's probably a little bit more sure that his touch is not...unwelcome)

Here we get Porsche trying really hard to get out and Kinn just repeats "that's enough", focusing 100% on Porsche instead (well, we know that he later finds their way out lol). I just love this so much because this goes to show even more that Kinn prioritizes Porsche’s safety above their freedom from the cave, that he doesn’t want Porsche to get hurt in general (especially if it’s for him).

AND THIS. This whole contrast of Porsche being frustrated by the handcuffs and Kinn not seeing it that way. i'm starting to get crazy i think but i feel like it can refer to how differently they can perceive the same actions. Kinn is an action-based guy - he shows his care for Porsche by his actions and decisions to protect Porsche, but those very same actions and decisions are seen as restrictive by Porsche.

THIS IS WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT when Kinn opens the cuff at the end. he doesn’t try to defend his decision to keep the cuffs, doesn’t deny it when Porsche calls him a jerk for not saying something earlier, doesn’t try to make the situation lighter with a quip. Instead, he straight-up tells Porsche to go - he's able to see beyond what he used to believe and let Porsche choose - to go back to his brother and chase his dreams, ‘just like what you’ve always dreamt of’.

Porsche tries really hard to read Kinn, to see if this is just some kind of bullshit he’s cooked up, but he finds nothing but the truth - that at the core of it, Kinn likes it when he’s happy. Kinn couldn’t even watch Porsche walk away, turning his head to the side, and he continues to tell Porsche to go away because he knows he has to.

And this is why it breaks my heart when porsche comes back for one last kiss, one last hug where it feels more like they were trying to mesh their bodies into one - before he literally had to wrench himself off away from Kinn - bc that kiss was them, they both put their all into it and we can see how neither of them wants to let go, it speaks volumes to how much they have grown to care for each other — but I believe Porsche ultimately decided to go for his brother (Kinn knows how Porsche’s first thought is always Chay, and that’s why he mentioned him first), who we know he's dedicated his entire life to so far.

After all, life with Kinn is a dangerous one - Porsche’s done everything he hates so far, and he knows he’ll fall in love with Kinn even deeper the longer he stays - so he chose.

(before he ran back and killed two men without so much as hesitating because Kinn is in danger)

(i can write SO much from their conversation in the cave - THE APOLOGY for one - but i’m had to skip it because i can feel myself going off the rails and i have no idea if i’m being coherent anymore. thank you for reading!!!)

#kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #kinnporsche analysis #i'm going crazy #kinnporsche episode 6 #kinnporsche meta #my meta

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kafkaoftherubble · 3 months

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HI HELLO I have tried playing monster hunter games and I see the appeal because they look awesome but those types of games are really overwhelming to me so I have to settle with my friend infodumping to me about the music and motifs lol

Hahahha! Oh yea, it's definitely something I understand. My sister finds it overwhelming too, so she was stuck in this limbo of loving it... and being frustrated by it at the same time.

Our solution was co-op play! I play the seemingly begrudging half-medic all the time; I have several sets where I prioritize watching everyone's HP and administering healing and shits, over bashing the monster in with my weapons. I'm by no means a great hunter—I'm chaotic as fuck, too—but I try not to be so incompetent that I ruin the hunt. My sis, meanwhile, main a weapon where it's all button-mashing (Dual Blades) so she can free her head into thinking about other things. If she's in low health, she knows I'm always gonna give you up replenish her health. I also generally don't mind failing quests; sometimes I was the reason! That probably helped ease my sis'/friend's pressure, ahahaha

Astral Chain is similarly frenetic, which is why if MonHun is too much, then Astral Chain will be more or less in the same league. In fact, there is an additional challenge to the latter: you control two characters at once. The other character, the Legion, has its own basic attack AI, but it doesn't really know the best moves to make, so ideally, you control both your character and the Legion in tandem! In a frenetic fight, too! At 30fps! I always joke that I grew new neurons in my brain just to play this game. Hell, here's an Honest Trailer about this game that is generally pretty accurate about the experience! Hahahaha!

I recently picked up Astral Chain again despite finishing it circa 2022 mid-year because a manga I've been reading reminded me of it and it was such a perfect excuse to replay the game. The learning curve is fucking steep, especially since I've been playing Tears of the Kingdom, which is NOT that crazy in combat at all. Imagine my surprise when I got the hang of controlling two characters at once on the very next day (last night, basically). Wow, I can't believe I got better at this game at a faster rate than my old friends, Fire Emblem and MonHun!

... Anyway, I kinda thought it would be fun if I got to hunt with you someday. It's really fun when you have the synergy and team dynamic down-pat! We can both be "medics" and pussies who run away from monsters ahahhahahah! And that's especially because I really don't mind losing. I don't even mind just gathering every now and then. Or exploring the maps sometimes.

Maybe a MonHun title in the future, if you're up for it— we can hunt together (And if we both have the goddamn console/gaming system ahahha). That way we will both be rookies at the same time, instead of if we play Sunbreak right now, where I'll be way too over-leveled and sorta kinda veteran-ish. (Also, my muscle memory is currently coded for Astral Chain and Tears of the Kingdom only hahahahhaha)

#π-ting!#I hope Gore Magala still show up in the next title #I wanna show you ITS GLORY!!!#I WANT TO MARRY GORE!!!#I mean it's my ultimatest favoritest. Heh heh.

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possessionisamyth · 5 months

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internet arguement mode partially kicked in so responded to one of the many shitty comments on RE3R gaming wins video the moment i got a response from the person brain kicked in and went nope (blocked. on second reread of original comment and response i got the distinct vibe that this person wanted the story beat of Jill "well trained and has seen people have moments of stress works well in a team" Valentine would slap Carlos as he was having a moment of panic at the situation they are in- my most hated moment of the original glad to never see it unless i watch that playthrough again glad it wasn't in the remake because people are dumb enough about it as is... people thought Jill was being too mean to Carlos and Nemesis in the remake)

they mentioned the mercenaries Mad Jakal for Nemesis (continued on with dlc should have been released alongside the game blah blah and how the clock tower was important) and checking it (can't find gameplay as yet with no commentary so just reading) out you can play as Carlos, Nicholai and Mikhail. Nicholai is a interesting choice for a playable character. my current conclusion is it probably would have been released after getting worked on after the base game because it has a good concept and potential story beats (you encounter hostages that you can save but that in itself is a bit irritating as its Brad, Dario the guy we meet at the start locking himself in that safe, Marvin, poster girl and 2 UBCS guys which is yeah how rewarding is it to save this group) but its not a story dlc its run and gun mode (which is fine and there is some strategy involved) they're just fun (sometimes frustrating) but repitive even with different load outs (re7 dlc spoiled us honeslty because they're all so different you have to shift gears when going through them)

I got this when you sent it but I kept forgetting to reply! I've learned the hard way one too many times that the internet argument is never worth it. I think it's a lesson I will have to keep relearning here and there, but eventually!!! I'll just keep to my damn self all the time!

I will be controversial and say I did like the slap moment in the original RE3. I understand that Jill is supposed to be well-trained and put together, but she is like Chris where she'll let her emotions get ahead of her. Not to mention, the Racoon City incident was her experience in the Arklay Mansion on steroids. Jill and Carlos were in an extremely high stress situation over the span of several days and both were running on less than 8 hours of actual sleep the entire time.

To me this wasn't showing Jill as hysterical or mean but was a moment to show how they're both reaching a breaking point. Jill is acting as the older adult using the cliche "slap some sense into them" method, while Carlos is made to realize his own mental lapse isn't helpful, and they both take a moment away from each other after so they can to get their shit together. I like to think that Jill apologized to him in the helicopter ride and explains that she didn't know what else to do to get him back on track in the heat of the moment. I like to think Carlos meets her in the middle saying he understands, and he agrees that suggesting they off themselves was A LotTM, but he also gets her with the firm boundary of asking her not to do that again in the future with the hope they wouldn't come to that point a second time. But that's just me! I get it if other people don't see it that way.

Nikolai doesn't seem like a strange choice. My understanding of the Mercenaries content is having the ability to play main story line characters in melee rushes, so him being there makes sense in that context. And I know about all the RE7 DLC, but the only one I cared about was End of Zoe cause I did want to know if she was okay or not. The rest was meh in my opinion, but that also because I hate Lucas lol.

#resident evil #anonymous #hehe nothing personal kid #re analysis #just a little bit tho #re3 #re3 remake

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yourmidnightlover · 3 years

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never go back

Summary: spencer notices how your boyfriend takes advantage of you and finally does something about it.

TW: titty sucking, oral (female receiving), cheating, dom!spencer, scratching, slapping (only one), cursing, choking, spencer dirty talk lol, penetrative sex, creampie. *let me know if i missed anything*

WC: 3,724

A/N - i'm using noah as the 'other man' schtick in probably all of my future one shots bc i can't find it within myself to create a new character each and every time. so your douche of a bf will always be noah miller. if you ever get a nice bf i'll be sure to change his name but for now this is what we're working with. got it? got it.

masterlist

-------------------------------

there are many things that people should go back to. schooling, maybe an old job, an old vacation spot.

your boyfriend was not one of those things.

mostly because your boyfriend sucked.

it was now a fact that spencer reid himself had come to believe quite a while ago and now, well now he had reason.

he had always felt as though you were too good for noah, similar for practically anyone in existence (himself included). he was always a complete ass to you no matter the circumstance.

there was one time the entire team had been back really late from a case that took a toll on all of you. it was emotionally and physically draining. the flight back had been delayed because of weather issues in the state you had been in, meaning you couldn't leave until days after it was solved.

any time you had gone to answer the phone, spencer would be able to see your stance and body language through the glass window. you had been apologizing for something you couldn't even control. you would narrow your brows the way you only did when you were being yelled at. you bit your lip the way you did when you were being made to feel guilty.

he was guilt tripping you for something you couldn't even control.

when you had gotten back it wasn't any better. noah had been giving you the cold shoulder. he was defensive when you asked what was wrong.

and that was only 3 weeks into the relationship.

after being together for 2 months, you had gotten flowers delivered on your desk. you assumed they were from your boyfriend, reasonably so, and went to go thank him. spencer saw the shock in your eyes when you saw your boyfriend huddled in the corner with some new intern. spencer saw the look in your eye change from sadness to anger in the blink of his own.

you took a deep breath, and walked away from the situation, completely missing the way he tucked the intern's hair behind her ear as he leaned in to whisper something to make her giggle. when you got back to your desk you threw the flowers in the garbage can, not even bothering to read the note.

it was pretty indirect, but looking into it he realized it was an issue that should've been addressed. every time the team would go out together, everyone was clearly invited. you would always decline because 'noah wanted to take me out tonight' or 'noah said he needs me, so i'll have to rain check'.

it wasn't because you were a bad person, the opposite actually. it was because noah was taking advantage of your kindness.

because any time you needed him, 'noah's out with the boys' or 'noah had to work late' or, here's a kicker, 'noah had a hard time at work'. as if you don't have a hard time looking at dead bodies while he just has to write up reports.

even when you got injured during a case, shot in the shoulder, noah seemed as though he couldn't have cared less. he wouldn't even go to your apartment to visit you while you were in recovery because 'noah didn't have time to visit'.

spencer could even recall when you went out with the girls one night, spencer being the designated driver, that you had told them how 'noah didn't want you to dress too provocatively so you had to wear something more modest'.

now, spencer doesn't care all to much about what you wear because, frankly, it's none of his business. but now that he heard how noah cared oh-so-much, he decided to wrack his brain for the 'provocative' outfits you've worn. there was not a single one that anyone should make a comment about. you looked stunning no matter what you wore, so you'd grab any man's attention no matter the clothing on your body.

but spencer? he made sure to never be that much of an asshole to you. he made sure to make up for him being an asshole.

he would grab you some morning coffee like you always had before you had a boyfriend. he would make sure to tell you that you looked lovely when you were able to go out with the team. he would visit you when you injured yourself and were lonely, he even stayed back for a few days with you to help you get through it.

hell, he was the one to get you the flowers. you had been having a rough week and spencer thought it might cheer you up. he had gifted you a bouquet of 12, blue chiffon flowers because those were your favorite.

but this was his breaking point. you had come to his apartment, once again in the middle of the night, talking about noah fucking miller cheating on you.

he had done it once before when he was 'out with the boys' you decided to stop by when he said he'd be back, wanting to just be the amazing girlfriend that you are. so when you walk in and hear your boyfriend moaning along with another woman that isn't you, you immediately run back out. you run back out and drive all the way to spencer's.

and here you are again. spencer wasn't mad at you, it was noah he was mad at. he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

spencer had always liked you, no, he's always loved you. everything about you. how could he not? you're perfect.

but loving you how he does and seeing you being used as a toy to fuck for a certain noah miller not only made his heart ache but also made his blood boil.

spencer wasn't an idiot. he had heard the way the old morgan had referred to women. the thing is, noah is way more of a fuckboy than the old morgan ever was. and that scared spencer to pieces. he knew that you would only be missing out on team outings just to get fucked by a douchebag. he knew that the only reason said douchebag wouldn't visit you was because you couldn't fuck. he knew that the reason said douchebag was cornering that intern was to fuck her, too.

so when you arrived at spencer's place, this time you weren't crying. you were furious. you were angry and upset, as was spencer.

"he did it again, spence," you breathed out as you paced across his living room floor. "i was supposed to meet him in a few hours but i was going to surprise him and i caught him with another tramp! i didn't even confront him. i just- i just left!"

"cheated? noah?" he asked as if he didn't believe it at first, not wanting to seem like as much of a dick as noah.

"yes! cheated. god! i am so ANGRY!" you ran your hand through your hair, a grunt leaving your mouth. "and... and frustrated! and... UGH!" you sighed aggressively.

"and what?" spencer asked as he stood up, slowly making his way to you. "what else?" he said, his hand now brushing that stubborn strand of hair behind your ear.

"i-i'm..." you trailed off, getting lost in his beautiful eyes.

if you were honest with yourself, you'd admit how much you loved spencer. but you thought he'd never love you like that. not since you helped him through jj getting married. he really thought she was it for him, at least that's what you'd come to think he believed. over the years you had grown so much closer and grown such an attraction for each other that the other person knew about. it was ironic, truly.

"say it, y/n," spencer leaned over you, his lips ghosting over yours. "i need to hear you say it."

"god, just kiss me," you said, your hands flying to the back of his hair to push his mouth to yours.

there was no hesitation from spencer to give you everything he had. his hand on the side of your face remained there as his other hand drifted to your waist to pull you closer to his body. your tongues met fervently with covetous, passion, and longing yet with just gentle firmness that felt protecting and as if it was how everything was supposed to be.

"please, spencer," you quietly whispered once you unlatched from one another.

"please what, princess," he asked, his hand running through your hair.

"i just... i need you," she pleaded with him, her hands still tugging gently on his hair. "please," you put your foreheads together, breathing in each others air as you silently begged him to help you in any way that he could.

"i'd do anything for you," he whispered so delicately as if the entire team were standing right beside you. "you know i'd do anything for you."

"then do something," you demanded.

spencer took action by kissing you just as intensely as before, this time his hands went to your ass. he grabbed your thighs to signal for you to jump, once you did you wrapped your legs around his torso as he carried you into his bedroom. he set you down just in front of the bed before you began to undo his shirt, him returning the favor by undoing yours.

"god, i've wanted you for so long," he growled, nipping gently at your earlobe as he laid you back on the bed. "lift your hips," he ordered, you obeyed his every command. you always would. "good girl," he praised as he ran his hands down your now bare waist.

"please," you begged, your hips bucking up to get any source of friction. "spencer..." you trailed off.

"i know, princess. i know," he said before climbing on top of you, connecting your lips with his once again, this time much more eager than before if that were possible.

as you arched your back, he took the opportunity to unclasp the hook on your bra. you shrugged it off your shoulders to allow him to throw the bra somewhere else in his room. he finally took a breath, removing his lips from yours to admire the view in front of him.

"god, you're so beautiful," he growled before placing gentle but eager kisses along the tops of your breasts, massaging the one his mouth wasn't on.

he pressed his knee between your legs, allowing you to buck your hips up to get that release you wanted so bad. you whined as he took your nipple in his mouth, his tongue flicking past it rapidly as he occasionally nibbled on it gently.

"spen-spencer," you ran your hands through his hair, tugging gently on the roots.

"mmm," he sat his head up, trailed kisses up your throat. "god, i love you so much."

"i-i love you," you moaned, pulling his head up to connect your lips together. "i love you so so much."

"i'm so glad to hear that," he huffed a sigh of relief. "because otherwise it'd be awkward when i did this," he began trailing kisses down your body, leading down towards your center. "i'll show you what it's like to be with a man that actually loves and respects you, yea? show you what it feels like to actually be pleased by a man? what it's like to be with a real man?" he teased.

his fingers trailed around your entrance, gathering your arousal that'd been building for what felt like ages. he pressed gentle kisses around your pussy before finally connecting his lips with your clit, a low groan emitting from your body because of the contact.

"yes, please," you shot your head back, relishing in the feeling of the direct skin contact.

"hey," spencer slapped your thigh, your head shot back up to see him between your legs, a truly beautiful sight that you'd never get tired of. "eyes on me," he demanded before going back down on you, not breaking eye contact as he brought out sounds from you that you weren't even sure you could make. "talk to me, princess. let me know how it feels."

"fe-feels so good," you sighed, taking your breasts in your hands and massaging them. "i-i can-can't even think," you stuttered out, too caught up in the pleasure to form a coherent sentence.

you had felt so good as he sucked on your clit, succeeding in bringing you closer to the edge than noah ever has, but when he inserted two fingers into your entrance...

"oh my fuck!" your hands shot down to grab onto his locks, pushing him further into your body, a low groan leaving him.

his fingers didn't stop their work. he curled them at just the right spot, sending you flying over the edge. spencer used his free hand to grab onto your thigh to keep them from closing in completely on his head, still working you through your high. he placed a kiss on your clit once more before he brought his head up to you, connecting your lips passionately.

"could noah ever make you come like that? huh? could he make you feel so good you could barely even think?" he grabbed your chin in his hands, holding it in place to look at him as you shook your head the best you could. "no?"

"mm-mm," you tried to shake your head 'no' once more.

"did you think of him while i was going down on you? were you thinking about how he fucked that little tramp?" he asked harshly, you shook your head 'no' again. "oh, what were you thinking, princess?" he finally released your face so you could speak.

"ab-about how well you know my body. about how, how good you looked between my legs. about how much i love you," you replied quickly, knowing exactly what to say.

"right answer," he connected your lips once more. "what do you want, love?" he asked, peppering soft kisses along your jaw where his hands once held your throat firmly.

"you. i-i want you in-inside me," you swallowed, your hand finding his and pulling it up to your lips to press a kiss to it, then another, then another, then another. "please, doctor?" you used your best puppy dog eyes you knew he couldn't resist.

"god, call me that again," he rasped lowly.

"what... doctor?" you took his hand and started sucking on his fingers, letting them slip in and out slowly and then moving onto the next.

"fuck, yes," he growled as he pressed another kiss to your lips before lining himself up at your center. "are you sure, princess?" he traced your jaw with the fingers you were previously sucking on.

"yes, sir," you nodded. "i'm sure."

you felt him slowly push inside of you slowly to allow you to adjust to his size. you had your suspicions of how big he was, but feeling him inside of you made it all much more real.

"fuck, you're so tight," he moaned into your ear quietly as he slowly pulled back out, going in just as slow.

"sp-spence-"

"wrong," he slapped your face gently, a whimper leaving your lips before he grasped your face to make you look him in the eyes.

"doc-doctor," you corrected yourself.

"good girl," he said, feeling your pussy clench from the praise. "oh you like that?" he felt it again. "maybe you just like hearing me talk, yea?" his pace began picking up slowly. "you like hearing how this pussy makes me feel? how tight... and warm... and wet it is?"

"u--uh huh," you nodded your head the best you could as he began thrusting much more rapid, hitting that special spot inside of you with each movement.

"it seems like you haven't felt this good in a long time huh? haven't had your pussy pounded like this in a while?" he asked as he was catching his breath.

"ne-never, doctor," you confirmed, hands reaching around his back and dragging your nails down, surely leaving scratch marks all down them.

"fuck," he growled. "noah never made you feel this good princess? never made you forget how to speak in sentences? never knew how to get you going like this?"

"n-no, no! never! god, never!" you cried as you pulled his body even closer to you. "i-i'm close, please!"

"you wanna come all over my dick, yea? you want to show me how much your pussy loves it when a real man fucks it?"

that was it to let that spring burst inside of you, parts flying everywhere. you cried his name as he worked you through your orgasm, holding onto his shoulders and hair to keep you grounded.

"cum inside me, please," you begged. "fi-fill me up."

"fuck, whatever you want, princess," he kept pounding into you at a rapid pace. "god, i'm gonna come inside you, and send you back to that scumbag of a boyfriend so he can see that you're mine now. so he can see what happens when his girlfriend is mistreated and fucked by someone who knows what they're doing, yea?"

"yea, yea!" you whined, nails digging back into his skin as he released his load into you, thrusting it gently back inside after.

"god, i love you so much," he moaned into your ear, pressing a kiss to your cheek by your ear.

"i love you," you replied, stroking his hair to help him come down, him still inside of you. he began thrusting inside of you once again.

"don't want any of it to spill out before you get to him," he felt you clench around him one more time. "you're very responsive, princess. i like that about you."

"it-it's just you, spence. it's always been you," you pulled him in for another kiss.

this one was full of passion but not the kind of eagerness. it was full of desire and longing, pent up emotions flowing out into one another fluidly.

"now let me go see my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend," you huffed as he pulled out of you, wincing from the overstimulation. "i'll see you later?"

"i'll see you later," he pressed a kiss to your forehead before helping you gather your clothes.

driving back to his apartment, you felt rather giddy with yourself. should you have felt bad? absolutely not. he's a manipulative asshole who's used you for sex on numerous occasions, so he deserved the bittersweet irony of what was coming to him.

*get it, coming to him? lol i'm sorry i had to :)*

you knocked on the door softly, greeted by a rather chipper noah who grabbed your face as soon as he saw you, connecting your lips. his kiss was nothing like spencer's. his lips weren't as soft and tentative. they weren't plump and round, they were harsh and rough and unpleasant.

he quickly led you to the bedroom, not to your surprise. he sat down on the bed, you straddled his hips, acting as if it were spencer instead - which was pretty hard to do after knowing what he was like in the sack.

you felt his boner through his pants quickly after you got on top of him. then when he flipped you over and pulled your pants and underwear down, he was met with a surprise.

"someone's excited to see me," he chuckled before licking a thick stripe from your slit to clit, very aggressive to where it almost hurt to have the pressure. "god you taste so good, doll."

he continued at this for a while, inserting his tongue to your hole very once in a while and licking up yours and spencer's arousal with it. you faked your moans and whimpers as his ministrations became more eager, not really getting you anywhere.

after he was finished with your turn - no, he didn't even make you cum - he laid back on the bed as if he were waiting for you to get on top of him again.

"actually," you stood up from the bed, pulling up your clothes with you. "i'm done with this. we're over."

you watched his face as he took in the information just released to him. it changed from surprised and shocked, to confused, to disgusted, to angry and frustrated.

"what the fuck?" he sat up from the bed, a disgruntled look on his face. "you wait until after you cum to tell me this?" he walked over to you, arms flailing in the air.

"yea. i did. and by the way, i didn't cum," you informed him. "that's something you've never really been good at making me do. although i'm not sure how you've been able to convince me to do anything with the way you treat me."

"what do you mean? i'm a good gu-"

"shut up for one second, please," you rolled your eyes, running your hand through your hair. "i know you've cheated on me numerable times. i stayed because i thought that maybe there was a reason, but i've come to realize that i was just... settling with you," you shrugged.

"you've treated me like crap since this 'relationship' started and i'm tired of it. i know someone who not only treats me with respect and kindness, but can also actually make me cum. shocker," you chuckled.

"who is this asshole? what the hell-"

"i wasn't finished, sweetie," you spat out viciously. "he's not an asshole. you're the asshole. you're the one that's getting dumped. so this is goodbye," you turned around to walk out of his room before leaving him with one more thought. "how did his cum taste with mine?" you tilted your head innocently, smiling at his shocked face as he realized what you meant before walking out.

and you were never more glad that you didn't have to go back to him anymore.

taglist:

@muffin-cup @greenprisca @averyhotchner

#dom!spencer #smut #spencer x you #spencer x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #cheating

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animeomegas · 3 years

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according to what I read in one of your publications with young!sasuke,¿¡ is he capable of spying on us with itachi wherever we go ?! 😭😭

oooh god, honestly I would be dying of panic attacks knowing that that little imp is out judging any movement of ours 🤒

But what if Itachi's alpha had anxiety and panic attacks? ¿how would itachi react to that?

(anyway haha,¿how are you? I hope you're well <3)

Ahh, well Sasuke can't get everywhere, but he's certainly determined to try, and once Shisui joins him, his reach extends a lot lmao.

But if Itachi's alpha was suffering with some genuine anxiety about everything, I think he would take it a lot more seriously. He will not stand for his alpha's mental health being damaged from something he can fix.

First, he goes to Shisui. He explains that knows Shisui likes to mess with him, but that it's having a negative effect on his alpha and he needs to stop. Shisui does love teasing Itachi, but he's not a bully. He stops snooping and stops helping Sasuke spy. (He might bring this whole thing up to tease Itachi's alpha several years into the future though lol)

Getting Sasuke to stop is a little more difficult. Telling him that his stalking makes Itachi's alpha nervous will probably only encourage Sasuke tbh, so he have to take a different approach. I think Itachi would sit down with Sasuke and really talk to him about his behaviour. He would probably let Sasuke know how much he wanted to retire and stop being a ninja, even though he knows that revelation could confuse and probably hurt Sasuke.

Basically, Itachi takes it seriously. He knows how horrible a damaged mental health is, his will never be the same after what he's had to endure, and he refuses to stand by and watch his alpha suffer.

...

"Sasuke," Itachi started, addressing a 12-year-old Sasuke. He had dragged Sasuke into his bedroom for a discussion, and they were now both sitting on his bed together. "It's very important for me to talk with you about your behaviour with my mate."

"But they-" Sasuke immediately started, voice outraged.

"But they nothing," Itachi said firmly. "They have been nothing but kind to you, and they have been nothing but perfect to me. There is no reason for you to be tormenting us, and I know you're doing it on purpose, Sasuke, don't try to deny it."

"But they forced you to retire!" Sasuke shouted, losing his composure completely. "They make you stay at home! They are going to make you have pups against your will! It's awful! They're awful."

Tears started to gather around Sasuke's eyes. Itachi didn't know if they were frustrated tears or tears of sadness. Probably a combination, but either way, he couldn't help but soften at his younger brother's tears. His protectiveness really was sweet in a way.

"Calm down, Sasuke," Itachi gently ordered, reaching a hand to wipe away a tear, despite Sasuke's attempt to dodge it. "What makes you think they are forcing me to do any of that, hmm?"

"Because-Because you were the best ninja ever! Why would you choose to leave? It doesn't make sense unless they forced you!"

Itachi really didn't want to have this conversation with Sasuke. He knew how much Sasuke idolised him, idolised being a ninja in general, and he didn't want to shatter either of those views too harshly. And if he was being honest with himself, he also didn't want Sasuke view of him to change. Sasuke wasn't exactly subtle with his exclamations about how omegas who stay home and pop out pups for their alphas are stupid or being manipulated when Itachi first introduced his alpha. It... would hurt for Sasuke to start to think less of him for his decision.

"Just because someone is good at something, doesn't mean they like it," Itachi started carefully.

"What are you talking about?" Sasuke questioned, brows furrowed. "You were one of the youngest ninjas ever! You were so powerful!"

Itachi sighed and poked Sasuke in the forehead, smiling slightly at the glare he sent in return. How could he explain this without... saying too much.

"It was war... there were..." Itachi found himself frustrated at the lack of words forming. He didn't know what to say. Maybe he could talk around it. "I have worked my whole life, Sasuke, and after a while, it was clear that I wasn't happy with that. I thought about what I wanted to do and... I wanted to be at home, I wanted to spend more time with you, and I wanted to spend more time with my alpha."

"I don't understand," Sasuke whispered quietly, seemingly too taken aback by the raw emotion in Itachi's voice to shout anymore. He looked as uncomfortable as Itachi felt. Sasuke was only 12, maybe he should simplify it some more.

"Well, you're favourite food is tomatoes but I like dango instead," Itachi said, trying to keep his voice steady despite the nerves he had about what he was going to admit. "Which one of us is wrong?"

"No one, it's just opinion..." Sasuke replied, confused.

"Exactly. Being a ninja is what will make you happy, is that right?"

Sasuke nodded determinedly.

"I will be the most powerful ninja there is. I want to travel everywhere on missions, and lead teams just like you did!"

Itachi was silent for a moment before continuing.

"And... I want to stay at home," Itachi admitted quietly. "I want to worry about cooking and schedules and looking after my family. I don't want to worry about" -blood, death, his friends dying in front of him, the nightmares, the panic- "missions.

"Which one of us is wrong, Sasuke?"

Sasuke didn't answer. He avoided his brother's eyes by looking at his own lap. His silence was good. It proved that he had actually listened to Itachi for once.

"I want you to think about it," Itachi said, understanding that his brother needed to compartmentalise. "Come on, mother's making dinner tonight and I'm sure she could use some help."

Sasuke nodded, shoulders relaxing at the change of topic. He obediently followed Itachi out, quieter than Itachi had seen him in months.

#young!sasuke #itachi #itachi x reader #alpha!reader #omega itachi #omega!itachi #a/b/o #omegaverse #naruto #headcanons

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cutekittenlady · 2 years

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You know what would be a big plot twist, the villain is somehow Volo with a different name.

I'm not quite certain how that'd work tbh. I mean, I assume you mean he'd be like an alternate reality Volo or something?

I know I've seen some fun idea on tumblr about Volo actually being immortal and using that to go into the future and use Emmet to sorta get revenge on the main character/try his hand at meeting Arceus again, it's not really something I want to do myself.

I mean, I love those ideas, and I'm excited to see where the artists and writers go with it, but the idea of Volo as an immortal isn't really one that appeals to me.

To be clear, I haven't played the post-game of legends Arceus yet. I've been dragging my feet filling out the pokedex rather than completing the main story so I'm not sure if maybe there's some character moment or something that implies Volos immortal or something. Still where I stand currently I prefer the idea that Volo is a purely regular mortal man who has become dangerously obsessed with meeting Arceus to the point of Villainy. I like this both because it draws some fun parallels between Volo and Cyrus in the original Sinnoh games, and because it just makes Volo's character a tad more compelling for me. Again, this is just me.

Beyond that, I also have the fun idea of Volo actually helping out when it comes to dealing with the fallout surrounding Emmet's actions. I mean these events are taking place between the end of the main story and the end of the post game so the big reveal about Ingo's realy intentions haven't happened yet and, in fact, I can imagine all this rigmaroll with the disappearing nobles is wrecking hell with Volo's plans.

Like, Volo wanted the player character to collect the plates for him so he could take them and use them to encounter Arceus. With all this junk going down as a result of Emmet and Elesa showing up no one is looking for the damn plates. A fact that probably frustrates the shit out of Volo.

If nothing else Volo is looking off in the vague direction of this (likely oc) villain and flipping them the bird while vowing to "kick them outta my territory" or something like that. Volo's got his own villainous shit going on and this half-baked extremist from the future is ruining his plans.

So yeah, there's that.

Beyond that tho I imagine the villain who brought Elesa and Emmet into the past in the first place is largely motivated by an obsessive view of history, or more specifically a very misplaced view of it. I think he views "the future" (that the is the present state of the pokemon world that the player character, Ingo, Elesa, and Emmet are all from) as flawed and imperfect. He views the people of the future as weak willed, driven by their emotions, and lacking knowledge and conviction that the "ancient" people of Hisui had. I even see him, in some villainous speech, using Emmet and Elesa's own actions against them. Claiming that Emmet's misdirected conviction to find his brother and Elesa's feelings of friendship for Ingo and love for Emmet made them both incredibly easy to manipulate.

He points out that the nobles "gave up" all their great power after the people of sinnoh started living closer and closer with pokemon and started needing the nobles power and protection less and less. "Allowing themselves to disappear, be chased out, or become the merest pet of wayward children" is how he describes it.

His whole evil plan is to, essentially, take the past nobles of HIsui to the future with him and use their power to "change things back to their more ideal state" or whatever.

(and just like that over the course of a post I figured out hte villainous motivation lol)

There are holes in this plan big enough to drive a truck through obviously, but tbh I kinda consider that more a feature of villainous pokemon teams plans at this point more than anything else to the point that I'm almost convinced it could be considered a thematic element.

But no yeah, I don't really see Volo being the big bad behind this whole thing in this au. Not when he has his own stuff going on.

#putting in a read more cause this go looong #e&e #e&e in hisui #e&e au #emmet and elesa in hisui #pokemon #pokemon black #pokemon white #pokemon black 2 #pokemon white 2 #pokemon legends arceus #legends arceus #volo #pokemon volo

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makeste · 3 years

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if there is a timeskip, how far ahead do you think horikoshi will move along the story?

okay, so... I sat here for a while trying to work out how to phrase this less harshly lol, but I think I’m just gonna be blunt: I really, really hope that Horikoshi does not give us any kind of timeskip. there are precious few things that could potentially push me to quit this series, but a timeskip is one of them. I’m not saying that to be dramatic, I’m saying it just as a fact, because it’s happened to me multiple times before. in my experience, nothing else out there ruins a story as easily or effectively as a timeskip.

but let me try to break down and explain my loathing of them a bit more in depth.

1.) they make it so the audience misses out on character development. this is probably the thing I hate the most about timeskips. so here’s the thing; there are two different kinds of shounen timeskips. the type where the characters (mostly) stay together throughout the timeskip (think Naruto), and the type where the characters split apart during the timeskip (think One Piece). and I hate both of them equally, and let me explain.

I am reading the series because I am invested in the characters and their relationships. I want to see these relationships grow and evolve. timeskips make that impossible, because the whole point of a timeskip is that it skips right over everything so the audience doesn’t get to see it. and so, if the characters stay together during the timeskip, that’s a huge chunk of time during which their relationships are continuing to evolve, and the audience is missing out on all of that. that’s like starting a book and then finding that the entire middle section of it is blank. like, sorry about that, we decided this part wasn’t important enough to write down. if you’re lucky we might show you little bits and pieces of what happened during flashbacks, but otherwise you’ll just have to deal with it. boooo.

on the other hand, if the characters all go their separate ways to train on their own during the timeskip, then in a way that’s even worse. like yes, we’re technically not missing out on any relationship development, because no relationship development is even happening. those relationships are just put on hold for the duration of the timeskip. like, to use One Piece as an example, that means that the crew was together for like six months or however long, and then they all split apart for two whole years. they were apart for four times longer than they were ever together as a crew! like, you brought this found family together and bonded them so strongly only to rip them apart again?? for two years?? and for what! so that they could become boringly overpowered?? well, speaking of --

2.) they make fights predictable and/or disappointing. now for me, this one isn’t quite as bad as the character development one, but that’s mostly because I don’t care about fights as much. that said, post-timeskip fights are usually a dime a dozen, and I hate it. because here’s the thing: the whole purpose of the timeskip was to power up the character offscreen, so that they come back ready to kick more ass. which is great in theory, but in practice, post-timeskip fights tend to feature one of two brands of disappointment. either the protagonist character powered up so much that they easily win the fight, or else they still struggle even after all of that training and effort. the latter is just frustrating, because it’s like, so then what even was the point? but meanwhile, the former is also disappointing in its own way, because there’s no challenge anymore. yes it’s cool for like two seconds, but then what? if all I wanted was to watch someone reliably and effortlessly kick ass all day, I’d go become a fan of a bandwagon sports team. for me, the appeal of shounen is that the characters are learning and growing and struggling. if you make it easy for them then where’s the fun in that? if your character no longer faces any real obstacles then it stops being an interesting story.

and last but not least, 3.) they change the tone of the series (usually for the worse). so this one is interesting because this is one of the main reasons why a lot of people advocate for timeskips in the first place. ‘they help to make the series more mature’, or something along those lines. people are interested in seeing what kinds of storylines would open up with an older, more experienced cast of characters.

except that when people say more mature, what they usually mean is one of two things. either more romance, or else darker/grittier story content (read: more character deaths). which, just speaking personally, I have approximately zero interest in either of those things. if I wanted a grimdarker shounen series I’d be reading Attack on Titan instead. if I wanted more romance, I would read... well actually don’t really know what I’d read lol, because that’s kind of the point I’m trying to make here -- I don’t read romance, because I’m not interested in it (insert aromantic disclosure here). as an element of a more complex story, sure, that’s fine. but as a focus, I’d just as soon not. nine times out of ten I will lose interest in it. that’s 100% a personal preference there of course, but yeah.

anyways, but the point is, I started reading this coming of age story about teenagers at a superhero academy because I like coming of age stories! I like reading about younger characters and their adventures, learning about themselves and the world around them, making mistakes and getting stronger and the like. this is a specific genre that has a specific appeal to me. there’s an idealism and an optimism inherent in it, and I really don’t want the series to go changing that up. especially if there’s no need to change it up. which imo there really isn’t. as it stands, BnHA is already an unexpectedly mature story in a lot of ways, and it’s already exploring a lot of darker and more complex themes as it is, and doing an excellent job of it imo. basically, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. most of the time you’ll just end up ruining what was so appealing about the series to begin with.

so yeah! thus concludes my impromptu rant post about timeskips lol, and I’ll just belatedly add in a disclaimer as well that this is just my own opinion of course, and ymmv. but for me personally, I think that shounen series in particular rarely come out better after a timeskip (in fact I can’t think of any off the top of my head to tell the truth). also in BnHA’s case I really don’t think there’s any need for one at all. maybe if we get another short one, like the three-month timeskip that took place just before the start of this arc. but even then, there is just so much going on currently in the manga that it would feel weird to just fast-forward through it. TomurAFO is still on the loose. Dabi just blew up hero society as we know it. All Might is prophesized to die in the near future. the entire Billboard Top Ten was pretty much wiped out. and so on and so forth, and that’s not even getting into all of the character development that recently took place.

it just feels like things are too chaotic right now to skip ahead very far. I want to see what’s going to happen in the immediate aftermath of all this. and I don’t feel like the villains will leave the heroes alone to recover for very long. like, I can’t really figure out where someone would even put a timeskip, I guess is what I’m saying? there’s nowhere that feels natural. I could see them skipping a few weeks ahead maybe, but no more than that. anything more, and one has to assume that Tomura simply comes back to wipe out the rest of the heroes and/or the world lol. unless they shove him into another cryotube or something, I suppose.

so yeah, I think we’ll either get a very short timeskip or none at all. at least I am keeping my fingers crossed for as much. I don’t think it needs to happen or should happen. again, ymmv, but at any rate that’s my answer.

#bnha 295 #bnha meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #asks #anon asks #long post

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fromtheplanethexagon · 4 years

Text

the robot problem: a critical look at tobecky, 5 years late

hello wordgirl fandom i am back :) and i have a lot of thoughts that i never got around to expressing before i moved on from the show. so be aware that everything i'm saying is based on my experiences during the 2012-2016 era of the fandom & state of tumblr in general, and i am not familiar with more recent fan content.

it's been over five years since the show ended, and @ifbrd reminded me (along with some great analysis) that while tobecky was super popular since before the show technically started (thanks to the play date shorts), it's pretty unhealthy in a lot of ways that tend to be excused or flat out ignored in fanworks. i'd like to reflect on that a bit (a lot); specifically, how both the show and the fandom approached this enemies-to-lovers ship, and how easily this ship can slip into uncomfortable territory if we're careless about how we interpret the ship and create fan content of it.

i will admit, i'm mostly writing this as a response to past me and my old creations - though i moved on from the show as a whole years ago, i do like taking the time to reflect on old interests once in a while, and reevaluating my thoughts on them. and this ship is probably the biggest one that still lurks in the corners of my mind once in a while, so let's go.

cherish is the word: a short positive note before a much longer negative one

i wanted to start this essay off with some positivity, because i am going to be very negative after this. tobecky was, in some ways, cute. it's obvious from the very beginning that these two characters are on pretty equal ground, even if one of them isn't aware of it. and that's part of the fun - the irony of how unaware tobey is that his nemesis/crush/person that pretty much always wins against him is someone that he completely dismisses as incompetent. i want to point this out because honestly, in general i don't like enemies-to-lovers because a lot of them use a power imbalance within the dynamic, and i hate power imbalances, especially when it comes to actual life-or-death scenarios (at least, as much as cartoons can do that). in most episodes, becky is never actually forced to go along with his wishes. she's not held in a 'date' against her will, nor is she ever really outwitted by him. i bring this up because there is one huge, uncomfortable exception, which i will get to later.

another big plus to the ship is the fact that they just... get along? even when fighting? of course we get brief moments where they just hang out and talk about paintings or whatever, but i'm talking about how much they get each other, even if they don't realize it. like the word banter, for example. been there since day one. becky loves words, and while most other people in her life don't really care (ranging from 'eh, that's cool i guess' to her brother calling it annoying), tobey gives her a chance to show off and thus treats her as a worthy adversary as herself, not because of her more generic superpowers - something that we've seen in canon that she feels self-conscious about (see: her motivation in patch game). one of the less noticed examples, to me, is "it's your party and i'll cry if I want to", because it's just - okay. they both are excluded from a social event, and while it's obvious that tobey deals with it by destroying the city, it's also pretty obvious that becky also deals with her frustration by fighting in that battle. like, yes, realistically it's just objectively bad that he's destroying buildings. but they're also providing each other with a way to work through their frustrations, first by fighting and then by talking things out, and finally by hanging out together instead of dwelling on being excluded from the party.

so it makes a lot of sense to me that many tobecky fans gravitated towards writing far-in-the-future fic, usually by implying that some growth had taken place before starting to write the ship. (there are, as far as i'm aware, 2... maybe 3 exceptions, that take the time to attempt a real redemption for him, at least when i left the fandom.) because if you take away his worst moments, either by reasoning out that he was 10 years old and a mess, or that he was a cartoon character in a cartoon world where everyone's actions are over-the-top, or by just flat-out pretending that certain episodes never happened, there's some pretty solid ground to start a ship on.

go gadget go: we all do not see it, we simply close our eyes (review of canon)

when the show began, i was the same age as the characters. a lot of other people were, too - at least in my cohort of the fandom. i think it's pretty safe to say that many of us have fond memories of the show's earlier seasons, and held on to that interest as we got older, for whatever reasons. so like, not to be all 'as an OG fan...', but i remember seeing the shorts air for the first time in 2006. i have a diary entry in july of 2009 about how i, a 12yo with no concept of the idea of 'shipping', was disappointed in the new tobey episode because i wanted more tobecky interactions. (that was robo-camping, btw, lol.) and so i remember how exciting their rivalry felt, watching them as someone literally their exact same age, and then watching that again as a nostalgic 17yo, and then uh... growing up, to put it frankly, and realizing just how unhealthy most of their interactions were.

okay what i meant to say was, this section is an overview of the relationship's canon portrayal throughout the years.

first, we have early tobecky: this includes the shorts and the first few seasons. this is their classic relationship: he likes her and takes robots on rampages to get her attention, she majorly disapproves and has fun taking him down. we've all seen the show, you know what i'm talking about. his backhanded ways of trying to find out her identity often feature prominently in the episodes, which - sigh, i've mentioned this whole issue before, but it's kind of a grey area in the whole uncomfortable-factor thing, because while trying to find out her identity is VERY invasive, it's something that like... everyone in the show tries to do, even her canon crush (scoops). on the one hand, it's really not a great look, but on the other hand, this is a cartoon meant to parody a genre in which this trope is extremely common. so i just wanna say that i have Issues and Thoughts on this aspect of their relationship, but there are other things i find more important to discuss here.

second, we have late tobecky: this is seasons 7-8. this is... a very strange and huge shift from the previous dynamic, though it's not necessarily obvious. what i mean by that is that for some reason, the show writers made it so that half of tobey’s rampages have nothing to do with his crush on wordgirl, even though that used to be the sole reason for his villainy. seriously. we have the birthday episode, where he's upset because he feels left out; wg vs tobey vs the dentist, where he's mad that he has a cavity; and trustworthy tobey, where his robot goes on a rampage... after becky accidentally makes it malfunction. the two outliers are ‘guess who’s coming to thanksgiving dinner’ and ‘patch game’, but they still differ from previous seasons because 1) his destruction is isolated to a forest far away from the city, and 2) his motive is still to impress wordgirl, but his methods are relatively tame. also he completely gives up on the secret identity thing??? i may have missed some things but i think he straight up tells her 'yeah there's no way you're wordgirl, lol' and the subject is just dropped for the rest of the show.

i also want to include 'the robot problem' here, because it's one of two season 6 tobey episodes, and follows the 'doesn't destroy buildings to get her attention' pattern: in fact, he teams up with her to try and stop someone else from going on a rampage (even if his reasons are selfish, lol).

and finally. the other season 6 episode. we have go gadget go, the bane of my time spent in the fandom. because GGG is the single episode where tobey truly manages to take away her autonomy, and proceeds to abuse that power for an extended period of time, for his own amusement. it's bad. it's Very Bad. put in the context that it's a white boy doing this to an (ambiguously) brown girl, it's REALLY REALLY BAD. and the more i look back on it, tbh, the more weirded out i am that the show not only made it seem like she wasn't affected at all within the episode, it just... forgot about it (which is not unusual for shows and especially children’s shows, but WG does make some efforts to either retain continuity or create canon reasons for why things are forgotten about). it's the kind of thing that you can't excuse and honestly you can't redeem (like at this point, you gotta ask yourself why you're spending so much effort trying to redeem this guy when becky has several other possible ships that are nowhere near this unhealthy - violet, scoops, honestly even victoria if you want another hero/villain ship, my absolute fave rarepair rose, etc).

so if you want to still ship it you have to just pretend that it never happened. (i remember trying for weeks to write something exploring the aftermath of this episode, to try and make myself feel better about it, but the more i wrote the more i realized just how traumatic this event should've been, so i eventually just dropped it.) and i brought up my own timeline of experiences earlier to point out that this episode aired eight whole years after the show started. which means that when i saw it, even though i was a huge stickler for canon at the time, i'd built up my own idea of the show and characters strongly enough to go 'yeah, no, this episode sucks and i am going to pretend that it doesn't exist'. and i think a lot of other people did too, because i really saw like... no one mention it, ever, except for some rogue fanfics over on ff dot net that already liked dynamics like that.

because here's the thing, and i don't know if people nowadays are aware of it? but i'm 80% sure (cannot find a source, so the other 20% is that it was just a rumor) that the show was originally supposed to end after season 6. and even if it's a rumor, it makes a ton of sense, because we get 1) an 'ending' to tobecky, which is a bad one, 2) a permanent wordgirl identity reveal that significantly changes one of the major dynamics in the show, 3) an episode where TJ gets to work with wordgirl and get a nice potential ending for their sibling dynamic, 4) an episode where we see Two-Brains explore life without his henchmen... the list goes on, and idk how many of these are just major stretches. but the point is. if the show had ended there, that would've been a pretty solid ending for many things, including their relationship: aka, it would prove that it was only ever heading somewhere bad, and when tobey finally has his moment of triumph, he is truly evil about it. and this provides us fans who HATE go gadget go with an easy reason to dismiss it - we can say that it was an attempt to conclude things in a way that wouldn't have happened if the writers had known they'd get more time. but despite that... it is still a canon episode.

it is odd to me how dramatically the dynamic shifts after that, though, because we seriously go from 'worst case ever, tobecky is toxic, your ship is dead' to 'no actually they get along and hang out and get ice cream together and tobey isn't even pressuring her into it, she's happy to go along with it :)' like, immediately. i never knew much about the show writers, so i don't know if the writers changed in between these seasons, but i would absolutely not be surprised if they did.

the earlier episodes are definitely problematic as well (though they pale in comparison to GGG) but i think everyone who ships it is aware considering that tobey is, yknow, a villain. from memory, he destroys buildings to get her attention, lies to her about the level of danger that people are in to trick her into spending more time with him, blackmails her into reading his poetry, and he creates a robot based on her that’s supposed to be devoted to him (but of course, all of these things backfire). not great stuff of course, but like... he’s a villain, that’s the point of his character. and considering that he’s a child these are things that can be redeemed, if done thoughtfully.

anyway, to sum up this section, the show starts off with a pretty standard 'enemies with an unrequited crush' setup, takes a really dark turn for a single episode, and then for the rest of the show takes their dynamic in a direction that makes it much, much easier to ship. as long as you ignore a lot of previous content.

wordbot: where's becky's autonomy in all of this? (misogyny)

we've finally gotten to the fandom. i recognize that a lot of this is going to come across as hypocritical considering how active i used to be re: this ship, but like... i'm a very different person now. anyway. disclaimer i guess - i don't write this to accuse all tobecky shippers of being like this - i know a lot of us aren't/weren't! but boy do i have things to point out, so without further ado:

it is very hard to ship this without allowing some bit of misogyny to slip into it. very, very hard. the entire premise of the ship involves a girl falling in love with a boy that repeatedly pressures her to date him via threats to the safety of herself and people she cares about, which... it's 2020, i shouldn't have to explain why that's terrible & a terrible example to set for children (which is why i am glad they never made it canon, tbh). best-case fan content has tobey stop pressuring her and start working to redeem himself out of an actual change of heart, which leads to becky seeing him in a new light. worst-case fan content treats his incessant pressuring and sometimes outright threats as something romantic - and even worse, romantic to the point where he deserves her attention and love as a reward for not giving up or whatever. i did see this pretty frequently for a while, especially in the earlier 2010s (didn't read much, Not My Thing At All), but i don't feel like going into detail here because of how obviously problematic it is. one medium (but still bad) case is where the fan content makes him start his redemption, but treats her liking him back as a reward for not knocking buildings over anymore. another not great case is where she tries to fix him with her love, which is a very common and very dangerous romantic trope. both are just... so incredibly unfair to her.

in content where she tries to 'fix him'... yeah i feel like it's really obvious how misogynistic that is. girls and women should not feel responsible for the evil actions of men, plain and simple. idk what else to say here i just really hate that trope and hated it back then and it just sucks! so can we not do that anymore, thanks.

in content that treats her like a reward for good behavior, there really isn't much of an explanation for what she sees in him. if she just goes 'oh wow, you're good now, i am going to fall in love with you for it' the whole thing falls flat because it makes NO sense whatsoever. we get to hear so much about tobey and his feelings and why he likes her and how he feels about it, but where is that energy for becky? why does she choose to trust him, to spend time around him, what does she enjoy about his presence? where is her getting over scoops in the process of falling for tobey? where is her telling her friends about this, confiding in them, asking them for advice? where is her choice in the matter?

win a day with wordgirl: do you guys even like becky or do you just like the idea of her (misogyny... 2!)

it was pretty standard for all fandoms the early-mid 2010s, but that's still not a good excuse for why so many tobecky fanfictions centered specifically around tobey's feelings while refusing to give becky the same level of empathy and nuance. it is true that to ship them comfortably you have to redeem him to some degree, which means spending time figuring him out and trying to find ways to pull him to the light without feeling super OOC. but ships take two people??? and there was so much potential for fanfics to explore becky's complex feelings on the matter - because she is! complex! she's heroic and kind but she's petty and has a competitive streak, she easily befriends villains but also doesn't trust them and doesn't believe they can ever really change, she's the savior of an entire planet but has feelings of inadequacy as her civilian identity and struggles with feeling like she can be successful without superpowers, she's great at the straightforward meanings and uses of words and loves reading but struggles to write passages that aren't dry as hell, it can be easily headcannoned that she's neurodivergent (special interests, issues with fitting in with her peers, taking things very literally, etc)... seriously there is SO MUCH to explore about her character, and a lot of it comes into play when you add tobey into the mix (literally ALL of the things i mentioned are explored at some point using tobey as a parallel or foil), but i rarely saw fanfiction that explored her thoughts on things further than 'he's evil but... maybe good?' or 'he's evil but... i kind of like him anyway?'.

if you want her to fall for him while being a villain, explore it!! why does she go against her morals? does she lie to herself about it to feel better? does she feel like she has to 'fix him' as part of her superhero duties to the city, and if so, how does that affect her as she tries and fails to help him? does she fall for him when she believes that he's turning good, only to feel betrayed when he starts acting worse because he feels like he can get away with it? it's such a shame that fanworks spend so little time even considering these questions, and it is absolutely a product of how deeply misogyny is/was baked into how we approach media (especially back then).

tobey goes good: but wait, i thought this show was progressive (a conclusion, i guess)

ifbrd wrote a great meta recently about how the show is a bit misogynist, despite being progressive in several ways. honestly i don't have much to add, but i'd really recommend reading through this; it makes a lot of great observations about the ways that male and female characters are presented differently through the show

i have little to add, so i'd just like to conclude with a reflection on the ship from my current viewpoint. i do think part of the reason so many of us latched onto the ship, despite how obviously problematic it was, is that the show treats a lot of things that would be serious in real life as normal or even comedic - which is fine lol, i'm not going to pretend that it's not a show for little kids, so they have to keep the tone light.

but if we, as teens/adults, decide to engage with this content in a more realistic manner, we have to be prepared to confront how messed up so many of the things going on really are. and if you still want to ship it, there's nothing inherently wrong with that! there's a lot of interesting things to explore in this ship, no matter what stage of enemies-to-friends-to-lovers you write them at, and it can be really helpful to have a space where you can explore a dynamic such as this in fiction. (speaking from experience here tbh, writing some fic for them helped me deal with complicated feelings about some ex-longtime friends.)

so to write this ship at all means that there are canon issues that you need to deal with if you want to have them end up in a healthy relationship in any manner that makes sense (unless you create an AU where none of that is applicable, which, power to you then). and i’m not saying ‘write them with a healthy endgame or you’re Bad’, not at all lol. but at least please, please take a step back once in a while to examine the dynamic that you’re writing, and please be careful about whether you mean to be romanticizing whatever behaviors you end up portraying as good.

#wordgirl #becky botsford #tobey mccallister #tobecky #tobecky critical #has anyone ever used that tag before LMAO #anyway: i may come back and reword the ending because i am not totally happy with it #but wow this is so many words. so many. send help

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jangpoo · 3 years

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I’ve been meaning to post on here in forever but like I just have had so much going on. But I’m starting to get into Daiya and anime again, so I want to talk about it.

It’s glaring to me that some people haven’t actually watched or played baseball before. And if they have, maybe there isn’t a great understanding of the nuances. And this isn’t me gate keeping or saying I’m better than anyone, but simply an observation based on what people say. But anyway I just want to talk about it.

Terajima does an EXTREMELY excellent job of portraying the sport. The issue I find with baseball is that it’s really fucking boring at times. There are so many times you watch a game and think, nothing is happening (and this can be true of any sport but I especially see it with baseball). However, I believe that many times, if you actually understand the sport or have experienced it before, you find a lot of the nuances come off the panel even better in this story.

I have seen so many people, especially on Reddit and Twitter talk about how this current game is going to be another “come from behind win” and “a cookie cutter version of what terajima always does.” My issue with this is how people are not talking about why this arc is by far the best representation of what baseball looks like and feels like at times and why people consider pitching duels to be the most exciting display of the sport. Sawamura has had this game coming for the past 10 years. All of this build up was for this moment.

From a writing standpoint and story standpoint, I understand it’s fucking FRUSTRATING to see how many times Sawamura has come into a game and done poorly or been given a handicap. Even his first game as an ace was so incredibly frustrating to read. You want him to win. You want him to succeed. Especially after seeing everything he has gone through. I’m tired of watching him come into a game, doing spectacularly but wondering, what would he have been like if he didn’t have the yips. Or what if he could actually hit? Or what if he was given the same opportunities as other players? There has been so much disappointment. So people wanted him to become the ace and suddenly have this outstanding game where he is dominant and amazing and just having an out of body experience. But the truth is, you don’t just get that. You don’t just start a game as an ace and have it go your way. And I hate that shit so much. But it’s the nuances. It’s the small things that makes Daiya so special and realistic.

The reason this whole arc has been so incredible is because we see an accumulation of EVERYONE buying into ace-Jun. First, before this game even begins, we see Miyuki FURIOUS that he couldn’t get Sawamura relaxed enough for the game. He’s angry that Sawamura feels strained enough to put the team on his back and overpitch. And he couldn’t get him out of it. He couldn’t help him the way he is supposed to as a catcher. We see Kuramochi understand that when Miyuki is gone, HE needs to step up. He needs to be the one that coach can rely on to help the team grow and thrive. He wants to be trusted to the team completely. And in this game, we FINALLY see the team get angry and frustrated at not backing Sawamura up. I mean, despite how they act, they never outwardly do that. They believe in him. They’re impressed with him time after time. But they never really back him up the same way we saw them do with Tanba and Furuya. It’s always like he provides some miracle, hypes up the team, but then is the butt of the jokes again. They quietly support him and work with him outside of games. But for the first time in this game, we get them buying in. We get them trusting him and working for him. Getting frustrated for him. And I believe Kanemaru’s “anticlimactic” at bat is the absolute most obvious display of that.

Some people call it anticlimactic but they just don’t get the point. I need us to think back to the very beginning of the story. Kanemaru absolutely could not stand Sawamura. He always said that all he did was talk and had nothing to show for it. But slowly and surely, Sawamura showed Kanemaru that he was dependable. He could be amazing. And little by little Kanemaru showed him more respect. Helped him with bullpen sessions. Helped him study. Cheered him on. He even, at one point, would become so distressed for Sawamura he’d make an error and feel terrible for it. Yet each time, Sawamura proved to him, it’s okay. I’m going to work my ass off. my hard work, your hard work, it won’t be for nothing. It will mean something. And so, in this moment, Sawamura is pulling this team by himself. That’s all he can do. The other pitcher is JUST as amazing. He’s just as talented and hard working. He can do what Sawamura does. And so the team fails time and time again. And like, let’s not pretend we’re the most frustrated in that situation. The team is livid. They can hit here and there but can’t connect. Can’t string together hits to score (which is how most pitchers duels go and is super realistic). And at the peak of this, when the captain cannot hit, Kanemaru comes up to bat with vengeance. He comes up to hit the shit out of the ball, no hesitation in his mind. He wants to kill it. But the part that borderline makes me want to sob, is that it’s not for himself. He wants to do it for Seido and he wants to do it for Sawamura. He wants him to know “I have your fucking back. I am going to hit the shit out of the ball. I’m going to score a run for our ace so it can put less pressure on him.” And that’s the mindset you want as a player. That’s what a good team does. And despite hitting a ground ball and getting out, it’s that effort. It’s the will of running as hard as you can down the line. Because yeah he got out, but who fucking noticed? Sawamura. He saw how hard he tried. He saw how hard he ran down the line. So yes, he didn’t score a run, but he did everything he could. And sometimes that’s good enough. Sometimes that’s what a pitcher really wants to see. So ofc Sawamura says “That hyped me up.” It was not failure. The feelings, the will and that connection came through. And Kanemaru understands immediately and says then let’s fucking go, let’s go out there stop them and hit again. It’s such a small moment and seemingly there to keep the score tied in the story, but the meaning there is absolutely what matters. Because yes, Sawamura is the only one in that moment that can turn the disappointment around, but what it also means is that Sawamura still believes. He tells wolf-boi, “I’m not worried. I believe in the hitters. We won’t go down without a fight” and he’s right. Because he can still believe the team hasn’t quit. Because someone like that, who wanted nothing to do with him at one point in time is working incredibly hard for him.

And it isn’t just there. We see it with Nori. He’s injured and we know how hard he’s worked to be starting games. We’ve seen his hardships and now he’s injured. But he believes. He trusts Sawamura. The team trusts Sawamura. They’re frustrated for him. They’re frustrated on his behalf. He’s bought in. And that is the beauty of a pitchers duel.

To be honest I’m flashy. I like high scoring games. But a show of true competition is always present in a pitchers duel. It’s 2 guys going head to head and the one that breaks first loses. It’s exciting and stressful. And I believe that many people are feeling that in this arc. And that’s why so many people are pissed, thinking this is just another show of the same shit. When Seido get past this, they’re going to Mei. It’s gonna be the same shit. We have progressed past a point where inconsistencies no longer are acceptable. You have to be on or you lose. The other team is just as good as you. And despite how well we want Sawamura to do, we also have to accept that he won’t always be unhittable. He will revert back to bad habits at times. But the Sawamura we’re getting this game? Absolute fucking monster level shit. (And our lord and savior Chris senpai is there to watch)

There are so many amazing moments that show how well Terajima understands baseball and truly loves it. From kids purposely throwing their futures away to finish out the season despite injuries, to having kids having long crises where they have to be demoted to lower strings to get out of the funk and the loneliness that goes with it, to kids fighting about the team and prioritizing winning over friendship. The frustration of the yips, losing games you were supposed to win, feeling like it’s your last chance to win before you graduate and never play again, having to move on with life. It’s all so well done and that’s why I’ll always love this manga. I love Haikyuus story other sports mangas and characterizations but Daiya will always hit different for me.

But anyway, that’s my dumbass ramblings that probably don’t translate well into written form. If you made it this far, why? Lol

#daiya no ace #dna act ii #dna spoilers #sawamura eijun #ace of diamond

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enragedbees · 3 years

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@nicerockinkid @nicerockinsideblog @sanderssidesgiftxchange

Happy holidays, Nick!

I had a lot of fun writing this, and I really hope you enjoy it! I hope you don’t mind that I made it just a little bit angsty lol

- love, Anna :)

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pairing: intrulogical

warnings: self deprecation, food mention, alcohol mention, brief vomiting mention, mild swearing

recommended listening: yellow - coldplay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His chest heaved. His heart hammered. His legs pumped, wheels spinning, pushing faster and faster, trying in vain to catch up with the other bike ahead of him.

The clouds shifted and the pavement glowed, baking in the hot air, deprived of the temporary relief of cloud cover. Logan squinted. The sun shone in his face. His hands were sweaty against the rubber handlebars.

Up ahead, he laughed, and the sound blew past with the wind in Logan’s ears. The boy ahead disappeared around a corner.

Logan turned, his wheels skidding against the shiny black asphalt. He jumped off his bike and threw it in the grass next to the other one, not pausing even a second and running after him.

His sneakers pounded the asphalt, and then, the pavement. The other slowed to a stop at the crest of the bridge, the occasional car whizzing past on the other side of the concrete barrier, and let Logan catch up.

He grinned. Two teeth were missing, one in the front and one on the bottom. “I won!”

Logan pushed his glasses up and tried to catch his breath. “Maybe do it without the head start next time.” His smile was full of metal and rubber bands.

He punched Logan in the arm, still laughing, and sat down on the hot pavement. Logan sat next to him, their legs draped over the side of the bridge, arms hanging over the lowest rung of the sidewalk guardrail.

They gravitated towards one another due to sheer convenience. They were in the same grade at school. They lived close enough to walk to the other’s house. They didn’t have a whole lot in common, other than skinned elbows, and grass stains on their jeans, and a desire for companionship. And they both had bikes, and an entire summer to kill.

The river below sparkled, ripples glimmering in the late afternoon sun. It might have been calmer, but dozens of people were out in speedboats and kayaks and jet skis, making waves and mixing up debris, turning the water to a warm weather greenish-brown.

A hot breeze blew past, cool against the sweat on Logan’s arms and the back of his neck. Water lapped the riverbank and Logan thought about how nice it would feel to jump in the water. His mom would probably get mad at him for coming home all wet.

“D’you wanna come over for dinner?” The boy asked. “My brother’s not gonna be home. We can play all his video games.”

“Sorry, I can’t. It’s my stepdad’s birthday. We could go to the pool tomorrow, though.” Logan kicked the air.

“I’ll ask my mom.” The boy stood up. He glanced down with a mischievous grin. “Race you to the park!”

He took off, and Logan was left yelling in indignation and struggling to stand up, almost getting caught in the railing, but laughing as he chased his friend down the sidewalk.

“Oh my God, Remus, get down from there!”

Remus laughed, sitting on the top rung of the railing, overlooking the still, gray river. “Relax, dweeb, I’m not gonna fall!”

Logan gasped as he started to slip, scrambling for something to grab hold of, eventually latching onto the support rail at his side. He turned back around, face just a little paler, still smiling. “See? I’m fine.”

Logan breathed through his miniature heart attack. “Would you stop being an idiot? You’re very cool and fearless, now get down.”

“Alright, alright, but I’m only doing this for your sake,” Remus said, already climbing over the railing, and almost falling again in the process.

They sat on the concrete barriers on the side of the road, eating out of a brown paper bag of discount candy. Remus said they were “too cool” to sit on the sidewalk anymore.

Remus was certainly cool, with his detention streak and his popular older brother in the high school and the leather jacket he got for Christmas that he hadn’t taken off in three months. And his perfect, flashing smile, that made every girl in their class ask him for help with homework, and his charming and daring and genuinely funny off-color humor that distracted them from how badly he did with academics. There was no doubt that Remus was cool. Logan wasn’t cool.

But the view was the same from the concrete, so Logan went along with it.

Remus rambled on about something, and Logan listened without having to respond. The wind blew, and Logan crossed his arms, wishing he had something warmer than his button down.

He breathed. It was chilly, but the weather was exactly how Logan liked it. The air was cool and wet, the sky overcast in a sheet of puffy gray, looking as if it could start pouring at any second, but never actually breaking.

Logan realized it had become quiet. He turned, seeing Remus smirking at him.

“Sorry, I zoned out. What were you saying?”

Remus looked toward the river again, still smiling. “Nothing.”

“No, seriously, I want to hear.”

“I honestly don’t remember.”

Logan smiled. “Then what was that look for?”

Remus shrugged, still smiling out towards the water, arms folded. “I dunno, you were thinking really loud and I wanted to know what about.”

Logan leaned back. “I’m thinking at least a little about what the hell I’m gonna do for the project in Ambrose’s class.”

“Oh my God, it was such a dick move to assign that right before the end of the quarter! Is he trying to fail us all?!”

Remus launched into another tirade, and Logan couldn’t help but laugh. He was happy.

They’d come out to this spot countless times. It was the only place they were truly safe, the only place they could be themselves together, away from Logan’s too loud, too crowded house that frustrated him to tears, away from Remus’ house that was so quiet and empty, it drove him mad. They were each other’s sanctuary. And other than the infrequent traffic, this place was theirs.

Remus could have been anywhere he wanted tonight. He could be playing Call of Duty with the other popular boys on the basketball team, or walking around town with any girl he wanted, or possibly even at a high school party with real alcohol, where every upperclassman but his brother loved him.

But he was here. With Logan. Like he always was. Logan didn’t understand.

“I promise you, Lo, one day we’re gonna get out of this small-ass town full of boring-ass people,” said Remus, lost in another in a series of idealistic monologues. “We’ll get jobs, and an apartment somewhere like California or New York, and –”

“And a cat?”

“Dozens of them! And maybe some dogs.”

“Our landlord’s gonna love us.” Logan laughed.

Remus kept going, painting this incredible future in Logan’s mind, full of a kind of happiness they couldn’t have here.

And Logan was excited. They knew exactly what the future would look like. They had a plan, and it was airtight. All he had to do was wait to grow up, and they could do it. Logan couldn’t wait.

But it was still many years away. Right now, they just had to focus on getting through middle school.

Soon enough, the sky got darker and the candy ran out. The two dug through their pockets and searched the sidewalk and found just enough loose change for a small cheese pizza from the shop down the road. Not ready to go back to either of their homes yet.

The wind blowing over the water grew bitter as the sun set, and Logan folded his arms, wishing again he’d thought to bring a jacket.

A weight fell on his shoulders, and Logan looked over at Remus to find him suddenly leather jacket-less.

“That thing gets way too hot,” he complained. “Hold it for me, will ya?”

Logan smiled and put his arms through the sleeves, the fleece lining still warm, as the first few raindrops started falling.

The rain poured hard.

Logan sat, drenched and shivering in the dark, teeth chattering and hair plastered to his forehead. His jacket was now soaked through and provided no source of warmth, and his glasses were covered in water. From rain or tears, he couldn’t tell.

Logan was miserable, but he wouldn’t move. There was nowhere he could go. Maybe he deserved to be miserable.

It was no secret. Everyone saw the way Remus looked at him. The teasing, the protectiveness, the sacrifices and willingness to drop everything for Logan should have made it so clear. Logan couldn’t believe it had taken him so long to realize.

But after everything Remus had done for him, Logan did nothing but break his heart, over and over and over again.

Logan couldn’t see anything but the blurry shine of lights along the bank, and the churning of black water beneath the bridge. It was so dark, and he was so cold. A tiny voice was nagging at him to get up and leave, that it was dangerous to be out, but he couldn’t bring himself to move.

He hardly noticed the headlights. The car moved slowly down the bridge, stopping a few feet from where Logan sat.

The driver’s side door opened, then slammed shut. Logan heard a sigh.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Logan couldn’t respond. He couldn’t even look up. If he took one glance at him, Logan would start crying. Then he’d be saddled with trying to cheer Logan up, and Logan was so unworthy of his comfort.

He stepped closer. “Come on, you’re gonna get sick. You get super bitchy when you’re sick.”

“I’m sorry,” Logan whispered.

“Come with me.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Yeah, we know. You say it like it’s not something we’ve known our whole lives.”

Logan was definitely crying now. Maybe he had been already. Remus sighed again.

“Come on, Logan. I’m not leaving without you, and I’m getting all wet now too, so you really kinda owe me this.”

Logan bit his lip. It took a moment to stand, he couldn’t stop shivering. He finally turned towards Remus, and he could barely see him.

But when Remus opened up his arms in invitation, Logan fell right into them.

Remus wrapped his arms around Logan and held him tight. He was so warm, and he was stroking Logan’s hair, and Logan felt so safe. And he felt so guilty, so unworthy to be the one in Remus’ arms. To be the one Remus held this close, or spent all his time with, or dropped everything for when Logan needed him.

He cried into Remus’ shirt, realizing his glasses were no longer on his face, not realizing Remus had slipped them into his pocket and not much caring. He cried silently in Remus’ car, wrapped up in a dry jacket they found in the backseat, heater blasting and radio playing Coldplay, with no memory of how he ended up there.

Remus brought Logan back to his house, gave him dry clothes and some tea from a box Logan had left there who knows when. Remus held him on the couch and kept him warm and safe.

Logan knew he could live a hundred of the best lives and never be good enough Remus. But he let himself be held. Even though he hated himself for it.

Logan was miserable. But Remus held him, because Remus knew Logan needed him, and Remus took care of him, like he’d done their whole lives.

And Logan hated himself for it.

The weather should not have been this nice.

The air was lacking in the usual hot, sticky soupiness of this time in the summer. The heat had broken earlier this afternoon, and now, with the sky turning orange and the cool wind blowing over the river, it was perfect.

Logan was already homesick.

He walked down the sidewalk, Remus in step next to him. There was no rushing, no clamoring to get there first. No hurry for anything to end before it had to.

They made their way over to their usual spot, taking a seat on the still-warm cement. The highway behind them bustled with a little more involvement than was common.

Logan looked over the river, deep blue for the first time in weeks and lazily reflecting the dying sunlight. He smelled herbs and dough from the local pizza shop carried on the wind. He laid his hands against the concrete, fingernails scratching at it absentmindedly.

He turned. Remus stared out into the water, a soft smile on his lips, only surface-deep. But when Remus looked him in the eyes and that fake smile grew, Logan knew the intention behind it was genuine.

Logan smiled back but turned away quickly.

Everything between them was different. There was so much he couldn’t say, so much he wanted to say, so much he knew Remus would have liked to say but wasn’t cruel enough to do so. There was so much keeping them apart, and fighting the growing resistance was getting to be too much for Logan.

That wasn’t the only reason he was leaving. He was leaving for a lot of reasons.

It hurt, so much. At the same time that Logan was desperate for distance, craving a change in his relationship with Remus that might solve the distress they were in, the idea of leaving him was so painful that Logan wanted to throw up every time he thought about it.

What would his life be like if he didn’t see Remus every day? How could he live like that?

Remus wasn’t going anywhere. Even if he had wanted to, he couldn’t have gone with Logan. It was a very competitive application process. Logan wasn’t sure if even he would be accepted.

Remus said he didn’t want to. That concept terrified Logan, but he understood it wasn’t for everyone. Remus was a creative; he didn’t need any schooling to do what he wanted.

The breeze blew through Logan’s hair. All his life, he’d been so excited for the day he would finally escape this town. But now it was really happening. He didn’t know how to feel.

Logan wanted Remus to come with him. He didn’t want to leave him. He couldn’t leave him. What would he do without Remus?

Remus probably would have been better off without him. Logan was always holding him back. Logan was so needy and Remus was always the one having to take care of him. He owed it to Remus to leave. He had to release him.

He didn’t want to leave. No, of course he did. He wanted to leave. He had wanted to leave since he was a kid.

Logan wanted to stay with Remus. Logan wanted to be with him and be happy with him and make him happier than he’d ever been.

Logan wanted to kiss him again. He couldn’t. It wasn’t fair.

Logan wanted to feel Remus’ arms around his waist, pulling him close, sliding his hands under his shirt and over his ribs and the small of his back, and he wanted to run his fingers through Remus’ hair and kiss him until he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t. Not again. It wouldn’t be fair to Remus.

Logan wanted to kiss him and pull him close and breathe in the way he smelled and feel the security and comfort of his arms, and only pull away to gasp for breath, and see his tiny, bright, out of breath smile, and look into his eyes and –

Logan’s stomach turned and his hands clammed up. No, he didn’t want that. Remus was his best friend. He didn’t want anything more.

It didn’t matter that Remus did. It didn’t matter that Logan once again couldn’t get the thought of kissing him out of his mind.

He ached. It was too complicated. Nothing could be done now, anyway. They didn’t have enough time. Logan had to leave with the knowledge that this wasn’t resolved, and might never be. That his best friend was gone. Irretrievable, at least not in the same way. It was over.

“Do you want to go on a drive?”

Logan looked over. “Where?”

“Dunno,” Remus shrugged, still looking out over the river. “Does it matter?”

Logan smiled. “No.”

Remus turned to him. He flashed a grin. Pulled out his phone. “What time do you have to leave tomorrow?”

“Six.”

“We’ve got eleven hours.” Remus slipped his phone back into his pocket and stood up, stretching his arms over his head. He went over to his car, looking back when he got there.

“You coming?”

Logan took one last look at the view – the deep navy ripples running over the water, the golden sky starting to fade to a soft indigo, the houses and storefronts, the glowing red target logo high on a hill across the valley, the lights of the fracking plant in the distance. He took notice of every tiny part that made up his town, the town he’d hated growing up in, couldn’t wait to leave, didn’t want to admit he’d miss.

It wasn’t over. Eleven hours. Not enough time to fix anything. Not enough time to preserve anything. To strengthen anything that would last until he got back.

Maybe enough time to be happy again. For a little while.

Logan swallowed down his heartsickness, stood, and walked over to Remus’ car, refusing to look back.

He hadn’t really expected anything in particular. But he didn’t expect to be back here.

Logan couldn’t say he minded. His hometown was beautiful in the autumn.

Logan stood, forearms resting against the top rung of the railing. The river was jade and peaceful. The shining sky was a ringing crystal blue, the clouds wispy and thinner than stretched cotton. The valley was brightened by red and orange and gold blanketing every tree and the grass underneath, each plant in that halfway state between full and empty branches.

It had been awhile since Logan came here. It was too painful to come alone, and it was too painful to come here with him. For a long time, it was too painful to be with him at all.

But then, it wasn’t.

Logan wasn’t really sure what changed. He did, probably. It was like he woke up one day and realized he didn’t have a clue what he was doing. Everything was wrong. Logan had been wrong. Or he just wasn’t right anymore. He still wasn’t sure.

But with him, Logan didn’t have to understand. He knew it was right. When Logan finally, finally reached him, it was like he’d found what he had been waiting for his whole life. Everything fell into place.

For now, at least. Logan knew that euphoria wouldn’t last forever. Soon enough the excitement and perfection would burn down, and they’d get calm and comfortable, and they’d have to work hard to maintain it.

Logan was ready for that, though. After so long, so many years of pain and wrestling, Logan finally had him. Comparatively, keeping him would be a breeze.

Logan heard footsteps on the pavement, and turned his head to see him by his side. Logan grinned and his chest warmed. He smiled back, and leaned against the railing, mirroring Logan.

They stayed there together in silence, the air between them that was once full of unvoiced pain and tension now replaced by a quiet and content understanding.

He was still a little hesitant, and Logan couldn’t blame him. He’d had his heart broken enough in the past to warrant the uncertainty and distrust. Logan was doing everything he could to prove that this was real, that he wasn’t going anywhere. And it felt like it was starting to sink in.

They weren’t in a rush. Logan didn’t know how long it would be before he got to see this view again, if he ever did. He knew he’d miss it, even if he was excited to go.

Even if he came back, it wouldn’t be the same. Leaving marked a separation in his life; a divide between “before” and “after.” He was looking forward to the after, but that didn’t change his hesitancy to leave behind the before.

Logan took a deep breath of the air. It smelled like home.

This was right. He knew that.

The journey was excruciating. But it got him here, and that was exactly what Logan needed, even if it took as long as it did for him to recognize that. Logan would do it all again if he knew he’d end up so happy.

He had no idea what the future held. He had no idea how much of the past he wouldn’t be able to overcome.

But standing here for the last time, as Remus reached over and took his hand, Logan was ready to see.

#ts #thomas sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fic #tsgiftexchange #intrulogical #intrulogical fanfiction #intrulogical fanfic #intrulogical fic #logan #logan sanders #remus #remus sanders #my writing

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joe-mazzello-archive · 4 years

Text

Wait For It

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 7.1k (lol this was supposed to be a quick one)

Warnings: a bunch of people being super insecure, angst again (sorry gang), some sexy thoughts but no actual smut, cheating

A/N: sooooo i’ve been up in my hamilton feels as of late so this fic is the result of that. shoutout to my favorite bridge troll @brianmays-hair for the original prompt that inspired this plus letting me bounce ideas off of her when my brain can only form partial thoughts, ily babe. also, shoutout to my first gwil-centric fic! of course joe makes an appearance because i’m the worst. eventually i’ll write a fic that joe is not in lol. also, y’all may not like yourself in this one. sorry :(

(also i know everyone uses this gif, so sue me)

I look into your eyes and the sky’s the limit.

Joe had just…always been there. He was the friend who never strayed no matter how far apart you were. When your lives seemed determined to pull you in different directions, you didn’t let it. The two of you could go an entire year on separate sides of the country, but once reunited it was like you were never apart. You understood each other in a way that was hard to define. Your connection ran deep, deeper than any other connection you’d ever had with another person.

Falling in love with Joe Mazzello was hard.

It was hard because you didn’t want to. You didn’t want to complicate things or ruin the connection you had. Every urge to kiss him or hold his hand or pull him into your bed just frustrated you. How could your heart betray you like that? It set you up for failure. Every romantic prospect was subconsciously compared to Joe. They weren’t as funny as him, weren’t as charming as him, didn’t understand you as well as he did. It wasn’t fair to you or to Joe or to all of the people who tried to win you over.

Every fantasy you had of Joe waking up one day and realizing you were the one for him was met with anger and frustration at yourself. His golden eyes, those eyes that held so much happiness and adoration inside of them, haunted you, slipping into your dreams at night, your thoughts during the day. You mentally punished yourself for feeling jealous of the girls that came and went from his life. He was your friend, but he wasn’t yours. And he never would be. You knew that. But your heart had other ideas.

And then came Gwilym.

You’d heard all about him from Joe, his excited texts about his newfound friendships with his castmates regaling story after story about the tall man. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t intrigued by Joe’s new friends, it had been awhile since you’d witnessed Joe have such deep connections with people that he had only known for a few months.

You were Joe’s “date” to a Bohemian Rhapsody screening in LA; his way of trying to make up for the months he spent away from you. You had been dragged to a hotel suite before the event, an apparent pre-party that the cast and production team would all be in attendance for. Ben was polite and reserved in his introduction, revealing he had looked forward to finally meeting his competition for the title of Joe’s Best Friend. You were unfazed, however; you knew that title would always belong to you.

Rami wrapped you up a big hug, insisting there would be less time between your next reunion. He promised a catch-up lunch date in the future, once things slowed down for him. You knew things would never slow down for such a powerhouse talent like Rami, but you appreciated the gesture. Lucy was a delight, greeting you like an old friend and grilling you for embarrassing stories about Joe she could hold over his head. You could see yourself finding a lifelong friend in the bubbly blonde.

And then Joe’s hand was on your shoulder, leading you to a familiar gentleman who towered above you, who’s piercing blue eyes gazed at you with a warmth that you hadn’t felt in ages.

Falling in love with Gwilym Lee was easy.

It was almost scary how easy it was. Everything about him brought you joy. His laugh, the way he’d stroke his own beard in thought, his ability to be a serious gentleman one second and a huge goofball the next. He let you ramble about whatever and listened intently with a huge smile on his face. He made you feel safe and completely seen; with one look, he communicated that yes, he saw you and he liked what he saw. Maybe even loved it.

There were times where you’d be in his arms and held you like you were going to disappear. Those were the nights you spent showering in him in affection. You wanted him to feel safe, feel seen, just like he always made you feel. You would touch him, caress him, take care of him, make him feel good, all while making sure he knew without a doubt that you weren’t going anywhere.

Gwil made you the happiest you’d been in a long time. You were able to love someone freely; no more punishing yourself. No more overthinking or doubting or hating. Because you realized one day that yes, you loved Joe Mazzello and you always would. But you were in love with Gwilym Lee.

It had been six months since your first meeting when the two of you sat on your couch in your apartment, him holding your hand in both of his, timidly stroking the soft skin with his thumb. His nervous demeanor had you worried for what felt like the first time since he came into your life. Had he seen through your confident facade? Had he realized that you were too much for him? Too loud, too intense? Loved him too hard, too fast?

“I know it’s only been half a year,” he admitted timidly. “But, I just...I feel like this is...this is real.” Your worried frown faded to a soft smile as he finally looked up from the floor, meeting your gaze. You could see everything he was feeling in his eyes. Anxiety, worry, yes. But also so much love. And all of a sudden, you knew exactly what he wanted to ask you.

“And I want to nurture that,” he continued. “I want this to grow. And I understand if you think it’s too soon or even a ridiculous request--”

“Gwil, just ask me already.”

He took a big breath and squeezed your hand before speaking again.

“What do you think about coming to London? As in, moving to London. With me.”

You didn’t hesitate for a second. You didn’t have to. You knew the answer as soon as you figured out what the question was.

“Yes.”

His furrowed brow and distressed gaze melted away in relief and were replaced with watery eyes and that bright smile you knew and loved. He kissed you like he had just won the lottery, gripping you tight against him and pouring every emotion into the kiss. You kissed him back just as fiercely, the two of you communicating entirely by tasting each other.

When you pulled back for a moment to breathe, you didn’t go far, keeping your forehead pressed against his. His ocean blue eyes, those eyes that held so much promise and love inside of them, comforted you, ensuring you that you had found him, you’d found your person.

I’m down for the count and I’m drownin’ in ‘em.

◈◈◈

Love doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes and it takes.

It wasn’t love at first sight for Gwil. No, he was in love with you long before he met you. The stories Joe had told him about his best friend back home painted a picture of this extraordinary person with a big heart and a love to laugh. Gwil didn’t understand how he could be so attached to a person he hadn’t even laid eyes on yet.

He was embarrassed at how often he combed through your Instagram, scrolling through every picture of your bright smile, wanting nothing more than to be the one to cause it. He was so tempted to hit the follow button but worried it would be weird. Did you even know who he was? Had Joe told you about him? Or did you live in blissful ignorance of the man who pined after you from afar?

Gwil had come to terms with the fact that he’d probably never meet you. You lived back in LA, working as an interior designer. Your paths would never cross and Gwil accepted that. He assumed his oddly strong feelings towards you would fade over time. Once the shoot was done and Joe wasn’t around as much, the stories would stop. Gwil would move on.

And then suddenly you were standing right next to Joe, smack in front of Gwil, beaming up at him with that familiar smile, your hand outstretched.

“You must be Gwilym!”

You did know who he was. He wasn’t sure if that was worse.

You didn’t know how unfair he’d been to you. He had crafted this vision of you in his head comprised of anecdotes from Joe and the little bit of information he could discern from your social media. You were this perfect person in his mind that no one could ever live up to.

And then you surpassed that person in every way.

You were so beautiful. Gwil didn’t understand how you could be even more otherworldly in person. Your smile lit up his entire world, your eyes were an abyss he loved to get lost in. You floated through the world with an elegance Gwil thought only possible in dreams. And when he finally had you under him, your smooth skin beneath his fingertips, he was convinced you were an angel, an ethereal being sent from beyond. Gwilym Lee was in love with your body.

You were so smart. The ideas you had, the questions you asked, the challenges you threw at him always had Gwil so impressed with your intellect. You had the ability to think of things long before Gwil thought of them. You would spout out words of wisdom as though you had centuries of experience and knowledge. You could derive phrases that pulled at his heartstrings or sent the blood in his head down south. Gwil would watch you as you burrowed into the corner chair you’d claimed as your own during your first visit to his flat in London, clad in his own sweater, either reading from your stack of books or scribbling away in your own. Gwilym Lee was in love with your mind.

You were so loving. You cared deeply about your friends and family, going out of your way to make sure everyone in your life was taken care of. Your heart was so vast and had room for so many people that at first Gwil was worried he was misunderstanding the situation. Was the affection he received from you the same you gave to everyone else? Was he the only one to hold you like this or was he not alone? You had so much love to give, Gwil almost thought himself selfish for wanting you to himself. But you and your infinite wisdom and your big heart saw right through Gwil’s insecurities. You whispered words of tenderness into his ear, things he didn’t even know he needed to hear, and his doubts were sated once again. Gwil didn’t understand how he got so lucky, to be in your orbit, and to have your love shone upon him like the brightest star in the sky. You made Gwil love more freely, helped him tear down walls he had put up in his younger years when he had been used and abused and treated like nothing. How one person could come into his life and make it better in every single possible way, he would never comprehend. Gwilym Lee was in love with your heart.

Gwil realized these things only a few months after meeting you face to face. He was almost...ashamed at how hard and fast he fell for you. To him, his intense infatuation seemed almost childish, immature. It was too soon. There were too many things standing in the way, too much distance between you two. He was foolish, setting himself up for heartache. You had made it seem so easy, loving freely and fiercely, and Gwil had followed suit. But he knew from experience that it wasn’t realistic long-term. That intense love would burn out, becoming a black hole that would suck away the light from his entire world. You were too beautiful, too smart, too loving. It was too good to be true that Gwil would get to keep you. There were so many people out in the world that you deserved more, that deserved you more, and one day you would wake up and realize that. It wouldn’t be your fault, he would never hold it against you.

And he knew how it would happen. He knew who it would happen with. Gwil was doomed from the start, really. He would never be able to compete with what you had with Joe. The bonds you two shared ran deep, built upon years and years of being each other’s person to run back to, shoulder to cry on, friend to share a laugh with.

Gwil hated that he felt like he had to compete with Joe. He loved Joe and he loved you and he loved that the two of you loved each other. But he felt like he was running out of time. Especially being so far away from you most of the time. When a majority of your interactions took place over Facetime and text, and Gwil had to watch as you went out to lunch with Joe or went hiking with Joe or explored new bookstores with Joe, Gwil’s gut instinct was that his time with you was almost up.

So in a desperate attempt to save what he assumed was a doomed relationship, Gwil held your hands and asked you to move to London with him.

And you said yes. Without even blinking. And with a huge smile on your face.

The relief Gwil felt was unbelievable. He wasn’t crazy. He wasn’t in too deep. He was on equal ground. With that one word and your unwavering gaze, every insecurity Gwil had ever felt about you and your relationship vanished into thin air. You -- beautiful, smart, and loving you -- wanted to uproot your life and move to a different country to be with him.

How did he get so lucky?

It’s the thought that rang through his head every single day after that conversation. He thought it while he helped you with job and visa logistics. He thought it while he helped you set up listings for selling your apartment furniture. He thought it while you fell asleep with your head on his shoulder on the flight back to London. And he thought it while you whined out his name in bed the first night in your now shared flat.

That thought morphed and molded itself in Gwil’s head. He was lucky. He had somehow won the lottery on significant others and had gotten you. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it some days. Thoughts about what he had done to deserve you slowly turned into thoughts about whether or not he even deserved you in the first place. Had he accidentally tricked you? Plucked you out of a world you should have been in and forced you into one he selfishly wanted?

Suddenly it had been another six months. If you were miserable you seemed to hide it well, which Gwil could appreciate. He found himself wanting to ask you if you were happy, but he was afraid of the answer. He knew you would never lie to him. You never had before.

On days where he was home and you were working, he would sit in his office and mull it all over. He felt guilty that he constantly played mental gymnastics with himself, especially when you were always there for him to listen and love. Every other time he had an issue and he had gone to you about it, you listened with an open heart and a soft smile on your face. You didn’t even have to say much to fix the problem, you were magic in that way.

One late afternoon he found himself in his office once again, fidgeting with a small velvet box, passing it back and forth between his trembling hands. He had impulse-bought the ring months ago, when a walk downtown to buy your birthday present had inadvertently led him to a jeweler. He had told himself that the second he was one hundred percent certain everything between you two wasn’t an elaborate joke or fantasy, he’d pull out the box and get down on one knee. But Gwil’s constant plaguing thoughts made him feel like that day would never come. Who was he to ask you to be with him forever?

So when you appeared in the doorway with a bag from his favorite takeaway place, intent on surprising him with being home from work early, Gwil could feel nothing but sheer panic. And that panic increased tenfold when your eyes fell to the velvet box in his lap.

He watched, paralyzed with fear as your own eyes grew large, your jaw dropping open slightly when your words trailed off. It was not the reaction he would have ever wanted. Clearly you were scared, thrown off by even the concept of marrying him.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, and Gwil could feel his heart shatter into thousands of pieces.

But then you threw your hand over your eyes, and Gwil thought he was going insane because were you smiling?

“I promise I didn’t see anything!”

Absolutely bewildered, Gwil stood to his full height and crossed the room, gently pulling your hand away from your face.

“Let’s say you did see something,” he said, his voice small. “Is that something...something that would make you happy?” Gwil wasn’t sure if his heart could take another drop on the emotional roller coaster, but it was better he found out now than let that question slowly pick him apart.

And then you brought his hand to your lips, placing the softest of kisses to his knuckles. Your eyes began to water as you looked at him like no one had before.

“It would make me the happiest person on the entire planet.”

Your magic cured him once again. One sentence and the relief flooded Gwil’s veins. He then slowly got to his knee, never letting go of your hand the entire time. With a shaky voice, he spoke your name.

“Will you marry me?”

Time seemed to stop for Gwil, but you didn’t hesitate for a second. You didn’t have to. You knew the answer as soon as you had laid eyes on that little box.

“Yes.”

The two of you shared a watery laugh as he slid the ring on your finger. You held each other as you cried and kissed and kissed and cried. Gwil had never been happier in his entire life. You wanted him. Forever.

And when the tears stopped and the two of you finally sat down to eat the nearly forgotten takeaway, you pulled out your phone and announced that you had to call Joe. Because he had to be the first to know.

An hour before, that would have given Gwil a twinge of worry. Worry that even though you had a ring on your finger, Joe was still more important than him.

But that worry didn’t come. And that worry never came again. You had chosen him, and for the first time, Gwil knew, without a doubt, that that would never change.

If there's a reason I'm by her side when so many have tried, then I'm willing to wait for it.

◈◈◈

I don't know how to say no to this, but this situation is helpless.

You hadn’t thought twice when Joe invited you out to LA for a weekend to hang out. You hadn’t seen him in person since before moving to London, and you were both itching for a reunion that wasn’t held via Facetime or Zoom.

Gwil had almost insisted on it. He’d be away on a shoot for a few weeks and he hated the idea of you being by yourself the entire time. He could also tell you were a bit overwhelmed with wedding planning. You needed a break. And you both knew that even though Joe would be in the wedding as a groomsman, you probably wouldn’t get to spend too much time with him at the event itself considering you’d have to try and make time for the over two hundred guests that would be in attendance.

As you settled into your plane seat, a thought occurred to you that had you concerned about your trip for the first time. It was true that as your relationship with Gwil had blossomed, your friendship with Joe had faded a bit. You weren’t sure if it was subconscious or completely by accident. Throwing yourself head first into your budding romance with Gwil had offered a break from the constant pain of having fallen for Joe. So had you unintentionally pulled away from Joe, channeling all of your energy into what was a new and exciting distraction? Possibly.

But truly, it was the distance. You’d been in London for almost a full year, and between your schedule and his, you hadn’t seen each other since before the move. Time between text conversations and Facetime calls grew and grew.

You’d been separated for long periods of time before and yet things had never changed. And even now, you still considered him your best friend. But there was that little bit of fear that things would be different this time. You wouldn’t be able to just pick right up where you left off.

But your fears were put to rest as soon as he wrapped his arms around you again. It was like the past year hadn’t even happened. Your Joe was in front of you, in the flesh, and everything felt right again. You joked and laughed and sang the entire drive from the airport to his house. You spent the evening catching each other up on everything the other had missed. You told him about work and new friends and places you’d seen and English slang you’d picked up. He filled you in on his latest projects, told you stories about mutual friends you hadn’t seen in ages, and as always, had you laughing until your sides hurt.

It wasn’t until you were settled in his guest room bed later that night that you realized he hadn’t once asked about Gwil or the wedding.

You spent the next day being paraded around LA by Joe, the two of you hitting all of the cheesy tourist spots that you hadn’t been to in years before eventually heading to the beach. As the pair of you stretched out on towels in the sand while soaking up the sun, you remembered the thought you had the night before.

So you took it upon yourself to introduce the topic.

“Oh, Gwil sends his love, by the way,” you casually said, as if you had just thought of it. Joe offered a small smile and nodded, his only acknowledgement of your statement before jumping to his feet.

“Let’s go in the water!”

You were temporarily distracted by an intense water war with Joe once the two of you made it chest-deep into the ocean. Joe then launched into an elaborate tale about going to the beaches on the east coast growing up, making you laugh with an imitation of his brother, whom you hadn’t seen in ages but had recently RSVPed yes to your nuptials.

“I’m excited to see him again at the wedding,” you revealed, testing your developing theory about Joe once again. “I can’t even remember the last time I saw him.”

“Yeah,” was all Joe said before diving under the water and grabbing at your ankle, earning a squeal from you.

Another attempt foiled. You were pretty sure he was avoiding the topic outright.

You didn’t understand why. Gwil was one of his closest friends. You knew the two chatted frequently, probably more frequently than you and him. For a brief moment you entertained the idea that Joe was actually more upset by you living so far away than he had let on previously. You remembered being surprised at Joe’s reaction to you moving to London. You had invited him out for lunch one day to break the news, and while he claimed he was going to miss you something fierce, he was happy for you. At least that was what you had left that lunch feeling.

Maybe Joe was an even better actor than you realized.

You had to get some answers out of him. It started to get bizarre, the lengths he would go to in order to avoid talking about Gwil or the wedding. And although you had had an incredibly fun and relaxing weekend with your old friend, one that you had desperately needed, by Sunday night a weird tension had set in. Joe definitely knew you were on to him; you could tell by how little effort he started putting into trying to change the subject.

So you decided you had had enough. If he wasn’t going to be outright with you, you needed to confront him. You had disappeared into the guest room after Joe had cooked the two of you dinner with the excuse that you wanted to make sure your bag was packed for your early flight home the next morning. Sure, there was some truth to that, but you also needed the time to compose your thoughts before challenging Joe.

You walked warily back into the living room where Joe had pulled up some Netflix movie and had it paused while he tapped away at his phone, clearly waiting for you.

“Can I ask you something?” you hesitantly questioned as you took a seat next to Joe.

“Anything,” he replied as his attention left his phone and turned to you, a confident smile on his face.

“Why haven’t you asked about Gwil or the wedding?”

You could practically see the blood drain from Joe’s face. His smile was exchanged for a look of what seemed almost like...fear. After a few seconds of silence indicating that he wasn’t going to answer you right away, you continued.

“Every time I mention Gwil or the wedding, you find some excuse to change the subject or use something to distract me. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. I know you too well,” you explained with a soft smile, attempting to lighten the mood, an endeavour you quickly realized was fruitless. Joe was staring intently at his lap, and you could hear the gears turning in his head. Joe always had a tendency to think really loudly.

“Joe?”

“I thought I was over it,” he suddenly spit out. You furrowed your brows. When he didn’t continue, you spoke up again.

“Over what? Me moving away?”

“I thought I was over you,” he admitted, finally looking up at you with those golden eyes you’ve always known. Those eyes that had once haunted you, slipping into your dreams at night, your thoughts during the day. Those eyes that you hadn’t worried about in over a year.

You were stunned to silence.

“I...lost my chance with you,” he continued. “It sounds so fucking cliche but I didn’t realize what I had until it was gone. It took you moving to London for me to realize that I’ve been in love with you for a long, long time.”

It was like every emotion you could possibly feel overtook your body in one fell swoop. How were you supposed to process something like that? You were shocked, confused, and a little bit sad, but most of all, you were fucking livid.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you practically shouted as you jumped to your feet, earning a startled wince from Joe. “I pined after you for years. I had it so bad for you for so long. And now? When I’ve finally gotten over you....and I’m happy with someone else...you have the fucking nerve to drop that on me?” You were frantic, thoughts running wild, your heart pounding. You marched into the kitchen, needing some space to collect yourself. You could feel tears pricking your eyes as you sat at Joe’s kitchen island.

“You pined after me?” Joe’s quiet voice sounded from the doorway. You frustratedly swiped at the drops running down your cheeks before turning to look at Joe.

“I always loved you, you asshole,” you revealed before burying your face in your hands. How could he do this to you? You were months away from getting married, to one of his closest friends no less, and he chose now to confess that he was in love with you.

At least you had gotten the answer to your original question.

“I’m such an idiot,” you heard Joe whisper. “I could have had you all this time.”

After a few moments, you felt two tentative arms wrap around you from behind. Joe laid his head against your back.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured against the fabric of your t-shirt. “Please don’t cry.”

You were so angry with him. So angry at the situation. But he was still Joe. And part of you still loved him, even though that love had changed over the past year or so. So you turned into his embrace, wrapping your arms around him. You lost track of how long the two of you stayed there, holding each other while time ticked away.

Eventually Joe pulled back for a moment before cradling your face in his hands. His thumbs wiped away the last of your tears as the two of you gazed at each other.

And then Joe was kissing you.

It was brief, almost as if he had done it accidentally. A flash of fear shone in his eyes and you knew you probably mirrored him. But then he was kissing you again.

And you were kissing him back.

For years you had wondered what it would be like to kiss Joe Mazzello. And now, there you were, his lips as soft as you thought they’d be. He tasted like wine and pasta sauce and something else that was uniquely Joe. His hands on your face kept you close to him as his mouth moved against yours.

He pulled back to take a breath, his hands sliding down to your hips, his forehead pressed against yours. You needed to push him away. You needed to stop this.

“You can say no to this. Just tell me to stop.”

You didn’t.

That night you lived out a fantasy that you had used to have for years but hadn’t thought about in ages. That night you explored Joe’s body as he explored yours, touching, tasting, feeling. No words were exchanged, the only sounds that rang out through Joe’s bedroom were soft whimpers and grunts of pleasure.

When you left the bed to use the restroom, the tears came back. You had been stupid, acting on selfish impulses. Acting on a lingering curiosity. Taking advantage of a situation you had been presented with.

Joe let you cry in his bathroom, and you mentally thanked him for knowing not to bother you.

When you finally emerged, Joe appeared to be asleep. You didn’t stop to find out for sure. Instead you moved across the hall into the guest room. You held a pillow to your chest and tearfully wished you had never come to LA.

You didn’t get much sleep. You were up at least an hour before you had to be, getting dressed and cooking the two of you a quick breakfast. When Joe finally appeared in the kitchen, he silently picked at his plate of eggs and bacon. No words were spoken. Nothing needed to be said. That was the thing about knowing someone so well.

The drive to the airport was soundtracked by a playlist of rock medleys that normally both you and Joe would sing along to. But no songs were sung on that trip.

After helping you pull your suitcase out of the back of your car, Joe stood there awkwardly wringing his hands together. You didn’t blame him for not knowing what was appropriate. You didn’t know where the boundaries laid anymore either.

So you threw him a bone, pulling him into a tight embrace, one that he immediately reciprocated. For some reason, even though you’d be seeing him again in a few months, it felt like a forever goodbye. Like it was the last time you would ever hold each other.

“I will always love you,” you whispered as you buried your face in his shoulder. “But I’m in love with Gwil.” It was true. And you hated that you needed to say it out loud.

You felt him nod into your hair. He understood.

You left him with a peck on the cheek, and got on your plane. And you spent the ten hour flight mentally preparing to banish the entire weekend from your memory. Gwil could never find out.

And he never did.

Nobody needs to know.

◈◈◈

I remember that night, I just might regret that night for the rest of my days.

Joe stood between Ben and Gwil’s brother, clad in a gray suit with a colorful pocket square. He watched as you floated down the aisle looking the most beautiful he’d ever seen you, a stunning vision accoutred in white.

But the most gorgeous thing about you wasn’t your dress or your hair or your makeup, as perfect as it all was. No, the thing that stood out to Joe was the look of pure elation that you wore as you made your way between the rows of chairs. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen you so sublimely happy.

And it pained him. Because it was a subtle reminder that he’d never be the one to make you that happy.

Joe stole a glance at Gwil, and he had the exact same gaze upon his face. Joe felt a twinge of guilt in his gut. He should be happy. He should be satisfied. Two of the most important people in his life had found love with each other. That was something to celebrate. So Joe hated that he felt nothing but sadness. It was selfish and unfair to the both of you.

But the thing Joe hated the most was that this whole thing was all his fault.

He remembered the day he introduced you to Gwil like it was yesterday. What was supposed to be a night out with you after being separated for so long turned into Joe playing third wheel as he watched you and Gwil bond. The connection was instantaneous.

It didn’t bother Joe at all at first. In fact, he was ecstatic. He patted himself on the back whenever he could, taking complete credit for your budding romance. You seemed lighter, as if Gwil had taken the weight of the world off your shoulders. And Joe trusted the both of you not to break each others’ hearts; he knew you were amazing people, and he believed you deserved each other.

It was only a month before Joe started to notice the drift. You texted him less, you didn’t have as much free time to hang out. Things you used to do with him you now did with Gwil. Joe tried not to let it get to him. He had never been bothered by relationships you had been in previously. But there was something about this time around that irked him.

At first he assumed it was because it was Gwil. Two of his friends had essentially ganged up on him, opting to spend more time with each other than with him. But that wasn’t it.

Then he thought it was because you went to London a lot. It seemed like every time Joe tried to make plans with you he was met with a “I’ll actually be in London that week.” But that wasn’t it.

For a fleeting moment he thought it was a worry that the two of you were moving too quickly. A fear that the pair of you would have an ugly break up and Joe would be caught in the middle of it. But that wasn’t it.

It took almost six months of you and Gwil together for him to realize that he was head over heels in love with you.

How could he have been so stupid? You had been right there in front of him for years and years and it took you getting into a serious relationship for him to wake up. He had wasted so much time.

Gwil was one of his best friends in the entire world. But you had been his best friend longer. He needed to tell you. He couldn’t lie to you.

As soon as Joe had made the decision, you were asking him to grab lunch with you. He spent the hours leading up to it pacing in his apartment, working through a speech in his head.

His plan was foiled when you sat across from him in the ramen shop and announced you were moving to London. You were elated as you told him the story of Gwil nervously asking you. Joe put his acting skills to the test as he sat in that booth for an hour and pretended to be happy for you. Pretended that he was okay when truly he was dying inside.

The last shred of hope Joe could hold on to was that he’d be able to get over you easier. The distance would ease his pain. Maybe he’d meet someone, someone who would somehow be even more beautiful and smarter and more loving than you. He didn’t think that person existed, but he had to hold out hope.

He threw himself into work, trying to distract himself with jobs, filling the time between those jobs by writing, something you always helped him with. You had been his muse, a revelation that frustrated Joe as he struggled with the worst case of writer’s block he’d ever had.

He understood that your lives had been pulled in different directions, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt when the periods between conversations and phone calls got longer and longer as time went on. He missed you. Setting all of his romantic feelings aside, he simply missed his best friend.

He was curled up in front of the TV watching some dumb video Ben had sent him when your name flashed across his phone screen. He couldn’t have been more relieved to see your face. You greeted him with a huge grin and an excited air about you.

And then you revealed the true intention of your call with a flash of a diamond ring on your finger.

Gwil’s face appeared a few moments later, asking Joe to be one of his groomsmen. Of course Joe agreed, he’d do anything for Gwil. Even be a groomsman in his wedding to the woman he loved.

He told himself that he’d be over you by the time the wedding came. He had to be. He just had to.

He didn’t know what came over him when he asked you to come visit him for a weekend. He just missed you. He missed you like crazy and he needed you. He needed his best friend, his person.

The days leading up to your arrival were spent stress-cleaning his entire apartment. He was terrified things would be weird. Why couldn’t everything just be like it was before? Before he ever introduced you to Gwilym. If he hadn’t brought you to the screening that night would you and him ever met? Would Joe have at some point realized his feelings while you were still available? Was there an alternate universe where you and him Facetimed Gwil to show off the ring on your finger?

Then Joe blinked and you were in his arms once more. He held you tight, never wanting to let you go. He focused on making sure that the weekend was chock-full of activities, wanting to enjoy the little time he had left with you. Joe was no idiot, he was never going to get a chance to spend a weekend just the two of you ever again.

But why did you have to keep bringing up Gwil and the wedding? He was getting worse and worse at avoiding the subject. He knew you were on to him. There were only so many times he could change conversation topics abruptly before you would notice. You were no idiot either.

And then you sat on his couch on that last night and asked him point blank. He knew he couldn’t lie to you anymore. He wasn’t strong enough.

He hadn’t seen you that angry in years. The last time you’d yelled at him like that was when he spilled coffee on a brand new rug you’d splurged on for your apartment. But this problem couldn’t be fixed with an apology cake and a surprise trip to Restoration Hardware on Joe’s dime.

And then Joe blinked once more and you were in his bed, bare and writhing underneath him. He knew as it was happening that you hadn’t suddenly changed your mind. He didn’t get to call you his. There was still a ring on your finger when your hand gripped Joe’s bicep. He simply enjoyed the moment as much as he could. His heart was breaking as you both rode out waves of pleasure, a desperate exchange of affection that shouldn’t have ever happened. Once again, it was all his fault. He shouldn’t have kissed you. And he shouldn’t have made it your responsibility to put an end to it.

That fateful weekend didn’t happen. Not as far as you and Joe were concerned. You wordlessly agreed to never speak about it ever again. He knew you never told Gwil. If you had, none of you would have been standing in a beautiful field somewhere in Wales, all dressed up and celebrating the union of two of Joe’s favorite people in the world.

While Joe watched the pair of you share your first dance, he sipped at his flute of champagne and remembered what you whispered to him at the airport, words that would forever haunt him.

I will always love you, but I’m in love with Gwil.

He wondered if anyone would ever notice that the two of you didn’t talk to each other anymore, outside of group settings. If anyone did, they didn’t ask. Maybe they all knew. Maybe all of them had figured out Joe’s feelings for you before he ever had. And maybe Joe wasn’t as good of an actor as he realized.

And I know she’ll be happy as his bride. And I know I will never be satisfied.

◈◈◈

Perm Taglist: @queenlover05 @mrhoemazzello @johndeaconshands @madamsledge @sadhwstudent @stardust-galaxies (let me know if i missed you)

#gwilym lee #joe mazzello #gwilym lee x reader #gwilym lee x you #joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello x you #joemazzmatazz

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