#but like.. in such different circumstances who knows what things she wouldve been okay with doing yknow what i mean? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

superemeralds · 4 years

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OH WOW thank you for answering so fast!! I wanted to ask because in my opinion, Shadow is written kind of... poorly.. at the metal virus arc :c and I love how you characterize Shadow!! I was wondering, if you could, how would you have written him in it?

okay so this got. RAELLY long. it’s under the read more.. hhaaa... get ready for rambles.

before i start on what i would love to see different, here’s a few things that i really liked about his characterization in idw:

shadow being persistent about what he thinks is right, being very straightforward and strict in wanting to execute his ideal

the way he stepped down and let sonic try his way instead of being stubborn because sonic made a very good point. Shadow wants to be fair, and if he of all people deserves a chance, then so should eggman. kind of ties back to maria also, which is a nice nod to have considering it seems like modern writers for sonic usually treat the ending of shth as “ok she never existed to him anyways”

i like that he uses his GUN affiliation to his advantage to do good and help people (even if by rouges account he does it because he doesnt want to deal with zombots)

he has great devotion to make sure the truck is safe and peole get a chance to get out, giving (according to the comics anyways) more than 100% of his power dealing with hundreds if not thousands of zombots alone

I like that there’s a nod to shadow being insecure about his status as ultimate life form, and he is tempted to get infected just to prove to himself he really CANT get sick and he really IS a perfect being. He struggled a lot with the high expectations that were laid upon him, the expectations he’s laying upon himself.

I like how he had a great sense of shock and defeat when he realized that he DID get infected. It’s very true for him to be thrown off by it, get a little careless due to shock. its natural. it’s good.

his “i told you something like this would happen” towards sonic in the beginning of #19 is justified. He hates that he was right, he always is, and he wishes he wasnt. he could’ve prevented this, but its too late now. then later he risks getting infected with the metal virus, and he DOES get infected. He suddenly wasnt right anymore. This sense of irony... it’s probably one of the reasons he has trouble to concentrate on the fight. it’s a nice parallel. IDK if ian intended it to be this deep, but that’s what i read into it.

(i also want to point out that i like that herms gives everyone slightly diverse “skin”-tones. like diverse undertones. im still peeved they are all pretty pale but its hoenstly a nice little nod)

okay so here’s what i think could’ve gone better:

I feel like shadow being the one to drive the truck into the city is a reference to 06, where he is driving around in various vehicles. That in itself is nice, and i think shadow is a person who prefers to do things himself if there’s a lot at stake (which there was a lot of peoples lives) but i also think that he would think of himself as a powerful shield. He would rather be the one overseeing the battlefield insread of being the designated driver. He knows he was created for the frontlines, and he is someone who knows he can survive the front lines. He is not a sacrefice tobe made, he is the one who will make sure that no one else has to sacrefice themselves. Shadow should’ve been on site from the very beginning. Where is the rest of GUN anyways? Those low level humans should make an effort to protect the life on their planet.

Shadow did absolutely NOT use 100% of his pwoer to protect the truck. He could EASILY have done more. He can lift trucks. He could use chaos blast. He could easily have prevented just faling victim to the zombots so easily.

As mentioned above it kind of DOES make sense for him to go down easily due to being infected, but I think this was the wrong time to let him get infected. I think he wouldn’t let his guard down and carelessly touch a zombot. He would not give in to the temptation to test his limits like this if there was not a greater cause. I think he would easily break if someone he cared about (other than sonic) fell victim to the metal virus. This is something that would get him emotional, to get careless. He knows sonic can outrun the virus, but rouge can’t. Amy, Tails, Knuckles, Vector, all of Sonic’s friends can’t outrun the virus. There’s a big chance that he is immune, there’s a slim chance he is not. But even with that slim chance, he knows he could outrun it, just like sonic. Losing someone he cares about to the virus would remind him of his superiority, of how fragile life is and of his responsibility to protect life itself. Any restrait would be gone. He would be driven by guilt and anger at himself, that he could’ve done better, that he HAS to do better. It’s something that spirals him totally out of control. It’s something that would make him want to prove to himself that he has the ability to fix it all. because it’s all his fault.

this is honestly something that is so important. he feels responsible for this, because he did what was right and gave sonic and eggman a chance. In his mind, sometimes the right hting to do is the wrong thing to do, because sometimes only wrong actions get you to the right goal. he is a gray character like that, and i think it’s not shown enough. his regret and guilt don’t surface enough so that anyone who is not as invested in the character would be able to read it out of #19. there’s a lot of stuff going on inside shadow in this issue and its just. not enough time to unpack it all. this whole deal of him getting infected was too rushed. (as mentioned above i wouldve preferred he get infected a little later or under other circumstances)

I think shadow is aware of his responsibility as living weapon to not fall into the hands of the enemy. he has learned what it means to be manipulated, he learned what it means if he was used as a weapon by an enemy of life on earth. he does NOT want to be used as an object of destruction ever again. He would RUN. even if hesitant, but his emotions would make him excell even in that. he would make sure he’d run faster than sonic. he’s want to make sure that he’d give 110% and cure himself, something sonic couldn’t do.

the way he would go down in my mind is him excerting himself. He would absolutely reject help. he would prefer to not have any contact with anyone at all. For one because he feels guilty and he doesn’t want to deal with that emotionally, also because he doesn’t want anyone to see him in this state of weakness. He absolutely would loathe the idea of anyone being able to see him go down and surrender to the enemy. He would absolutely exhaust his entire energy reservoir building barricades and being the sole and only front line protecting evacuation efforts from a distance, to make sure that they have enough buffer to escape, should he fail.

shadow is someone who is rash and has a tendency to boast his strength, but he also is someone who tries to consider any and all possibilities, no matter how painful they are to admit to his pride. he will shove them to the back of his mind, but they are still there. and if it COMES to those scenarios, he will have a plan for them. only if unpredictable things happen, or things that shake him emotionally, he would lose grip.

also in all those talks abt things shaking him emotionally, i dont mean that other people who arent his friends are not important to him, its just that friendship has a bigger impact on people. i think that should be pretty obvious, but since people like to misinterpret shadow id like to make sure people understand that i think that shadow values all and every life on the planet. he griefs over random deaths as much as his friends, it’s just that it hits more personal. mostly because he thinks... of himself as someone who always protects, but never has to be protected.

shadows relationship with himself is complicated. he thinks very low of himself. he pretty much hates himself. but that is because he thinks oh so highly of himself. he is perfect, ultimate, unbeatable, unstoppable, immortal, immune.... he expects all this of himself... even though he knows that it’s not true. it’s the one thing that he knows of himself. The one thing he feels that he could maybe achieve if he tried hard enough, and of course he is never trying hard enough; and at the same time he is trying so hard. He gives 300% and yet he still feels like he halfasses everything and he still feels like he could do better. On the outside he presents it with his strict edgy persona, that looks down on everyone. but really he feels so small. most of all towards sonic. sonic is so so tall compared to shadow (pun intended).

he looks up to sonic so much, because he always manages to go out of hisway to do what is right. even if it meant risk, even if it meant weakness. Sonic, the guy that easily could just get killed and hurt and not recover. the funny jokes dude that never thinks more than a single step ahead. This boy is out there risking his life for the life of this planet on the front lines and he shows not a single care about his own safety, always putting everyone else before him. shadow envies him. he really really does. thats why he values his opinoin. thats why he listens to him and even steps back from his OWN ideals, something he would do for only VERY few people, because of course shadow is always right. this is referenced in various sonic games (sa2 most of all,shth,sth) and in sonic x (yea its not canon but like. They Really Got His Character).

ADDING SOME RAMBLING AFTER ISSUE #33 RELEASED

#shadcanon #kinda?#meta/ shadow #i still love my meta tag #anonymous #fan lore

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if-the-crown-fits-translate-it · 3 years

Text

Discord pt 78

[Date: 15/03, 6:11 AM GMT - 15/03, 7:13 AM GMT]

Marcus: “...

it's been an interesting few days, I suppose

i've been catching up and um

not entirely sure how I feel about all this

everyone's asleep

guess that makes sense”

dreaming: “im awake.. uh sorry if im interrupting or anything..”

Marcus: “not at all!”

dreaming: “okay!”

Marcus: “it's nice to have company late at night

at least..conscious company”

dreaming: “yeah...”

emuhlee: “are you doing alright, marcus? a lot went on, and i'm sure it's a lot to take in”

Marcus: “...

i don't like that she's taking notes on max

i don't like that she's been taken at all, really”

dreaming: “i agree..”

Marcus: “...the laurels

i...can't help but feel that it's my fault

if i'd never taken off my circlet... he wouldn't feel the need to make something more permanent”

dreaming: “it isn't your fault.. you weren't even at the trial...

and it was crown's decision. nobody elses”

emuhlee: “whatever he decides on his own is not your fault”

Marcus: “...”

dreaming: “look we can't change the past.. we got to focus on the future, like.. getting out those who still only have a circlet..”

Marcus: “....

i guess you're right

but

what about Syd?”

dreaming: “we’ll try our hardest

i hope there's a way..

there's got to be something that'll at least make it stop for a bit...

i just hope so..”

Marcus: “I'm worried for them... all of them”

dreaming: “me too..”

Marcus: “I... feel bad about what I did to him too

he didn't deserve to be pushed in the river”

dreaming: “he didn't but there wasn't really.. another option”

Marcus: “i could've just

ran away

...

right?”

dreaming: “we know he could've catched up”

emuhlee: “without that he probably wouldve caught up to you”

Marcus: “...he still didn't deserve it”

dreaming: “you did what you had to as much as crown mightve not deserved it”

emuhlee: “maybe not, but you did what you had to to be safe”

Marcus: “I don't know”

emuhlee: “I understand why you feel bad about it, but if you didn't he could've caught up to you and max.

it might suck to think about but you did what was best at the time given the circumstances.”

Marcus: “..Max was further ahead of me, he would have been fine”

dreaming: “you wouldn't have been.. and we all want you safe.

we all want you to be okay”

Marcus: “i don't... i don't know max

i don't know fetch

or mona

I knew Page and Knight

they’re

they're so different

...but i still care about them

why else would i be staying up all night?

i can't sleep when they sleep”

dreaming: “maybe you don't exactly know them but you're still allowed to care.. i don't really know anyone well here but i still care.

i hope that's.. understandable?”

Marcus: “it.. is

i just don't get why i'm so upset at the difference”

dreaming: “it's okay to be upset, it's okay to miss them.”

Marcus: “i look at them and I see page and knight

because that's how i knew them

but that's not who they are

they aren't happy that way”

dreaming: “i can understand that.. i saw page and knight as max and fetch.. as much as you're valid in your feelings they're still going to be well them. even if they're not the people you knew..”

Marcus: “it makes me wonder...

if he changes how we think so that we're happier

what do fetch and max dislike about themselves so much

that they act like children when they're knight and page”

dreaming: “i don't know..”

emuhlee: “that's... a good question.”

dreaming: “bad things happen.. they change our perceptions of ourselves and not always im a good way...”

Marcus: “....i know that i'm not happy now

not as happy as I was

maybe content is the better word

but

.....i don't like dealing with all of these negative emotions

it's been so long since i've had to”

dreaming: “i know it sucks to deal with that.. but we all go through hardships, feel negative emotions.. if we never felt negatively we'd just be stuck in one place...”

Marcus: “...

negativity is so draining”

dreaming: “it is..”

emuhlee: “yeah,, it is”

dreaming: “but if we were always happy, content with what we have would we ever have the drive to learn more? to see more? i don't even really understand what im saying.. heh”

Maxwell: “....no....syd.....leave her alone.....”

Marcus: “...

negativity”

dreaming: “max..?”

Marcus: “is so draining”

dreaming: “I know”

Marcus: “...he's talking in his sleep again”

dreaming: “...

negativity is draining i know.. but it'll be alright someday. it will, at least i hope so.”

Marcus: “nightmares...

page never had nightmares

but now

max has them almost every night”

dreaming: “max's been through a lot.. page got his memory wiped of anything that would cause them i would think..”

Marcus: “..that was kind of the point in the memory wiping”

dreaming: “yeah..

i wonder why.. page or knight couldn't remember anything but you could...”

Marcus: “.......don't tell them

I'm...

the longer i spend away from it all

the less I remember

i.. barely remember what my comfort room looked like”

dreaming: “..i won't tell anyone... honestly it makes sense you might start forgetting, it was you but it also.. wasn't? to an extent”

Marcus: “..i knew more than they did while we were there

i don't know why

i don't remember”

dreaming: “maybe it's because you had more good experiences before joining the court..”

Marcus: “......

...

..i wouldn't say that”

dreaming: “okay i won't again.”

Marcus: “no no

i wasn't.. telling you

I just”

dreaming: “okay.”

Marcus: “wouldn't describe my past as....pleasant”

dreaming: “okay.. maybe the reason why they didn't remember is because of how much they opposed the court?

y’know”

Marcus: “maybe

they weren't there for that long... were they?”

Marcus: “as far as i knew, max was only there for... a little over two weeks”

dreaming: “nope.. i remember both of them already disliked the court a lot though.. if that's what you meant..”

Marcus: “but

apparently max was gone for much longer than two weeks”

dreaming: “yep..

right when crown took chat he appeared for like.. two minutes?

I think”

Marcus: “...that was deliberate

i think”

dreaming: “probably..”

Marcus: “given the..deal Chat made

i can't”

dreaming: “yeah..”

Marcus: “i can't remember the details

i dont think max was back by accident though”

dreaming: “that's alright..

and yeah max probably wasn't looking back on it..”

Marcus: “...

it’s so

difficult

i didn't have problems sleeping before”

dreaming: “i would assume so..”

Marcus: “but i can't sleep at night

i worry about them too much”

dreaming: “it's okay to worry.. you should try to sleep though...”

Marcus: “i don't want to be..useless

if i”

dreaming: “you aren't useless for resting”

Marcus: “if i'm asleep, i can't help them”

dreaming: “you won't be able to help them if you're too exhausted from not resting to help.”

Marcus: “....

i can rest when someone else wakes up

that's”

dreaming: “okay.”

Marcus: “what i've been doing

although

i did burn my elbow earlier because of how little i've slept”

dreaming: “you should probably sleep more then, if you can't sleep when others are maybe talk to them about it and work out something so you can rest properly.”

Marcus: “i'd rather not inconvenience them...”

dreaming: “it isn't inconveniencing to ask for help”

Marcus: “.....”

dreaming: “look, if i was theoretically there i'd help.

but y'know. im not”

Marcus: “..I know

i just..don't want to worry anymore”

dreaming: “it's probably going to end up worrying them anyways if you keep doing this.”

Marcus: “...they seem fine with my day time naps

even if they only last an hour”

dreaming: “that's good.. im glad you're sleeping even if it's not as much as you should”

Marcus: “...waking up again is the hard part.

i'm either suddenly awake due to a nightmare

or i'm suddenly awake due to anxiety”

dreaming: “..i'm sorry”

Marcus: “.....”

dreaming: “that that's happening..”

Marcus: “you don't

you dont have anything to be sorry for?

i dont understand”

dreaming: “yeah i know.. i just have a habit...”

i'll try not to do it as much..”

Marcus: “...many of you have a habit of apologizing for things you didn't do

you don't have to change how you act

i guess i'm a bit of a hypocrite”

dreaming: “yeah.. im kind of one too. im telling you to sleep while i'm definitely staying up to late just to get some time to myself i guess..”

Marcus: “the quiet is nice”

dreaming: “it is”

Marcus: “...max is having another nightmare, i'm going to go try and calm him down

i hope you have a good rest of your night

maybe..try to sleep if you can”

dreaming: “okay.. you too marcus.. and ill try...”

Marcus: “hmm i'd like to send a smile but i'd rather not concern anyone with the connotations....

oh, i'll do what fetch does

:]”

dreaming: “:]”

#on:discord #by:marcus #if the crown fits

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textsfromtheborderline · 5 years

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When a psychopathic Narcissist asks you to marry them, run away with them, and live with them happily ever after in a house in the middle of nowhere…what do you do?

This sounds like the premise of a slasher horror movie, but I was once faced with this exact choice in August of 2016.

At the time, I did not know that I had BPD. All I had just discovered was that the person who I loved madly was a psychopathic Narcissist. As far as life-defining moments go, this one still makes the top of my list. All the research I was finding at the time was stigma infused and utterly shocking. I was appalled at what I was learning about Narcissism; I was even more repulsed, scared, and heartbroken by what this meant for our relationship.

My Narc and I had known each other for a long time, seven years to be exact. We’d had on-and-off periods, with the most recent one being from the summer of 2013 to my Narc’s sudden reappearance in May of 2016. It didn’t take long for her to turn my life upside down, of course, but what I remember the most was the thrill of it all.

Just days into our renewed contact with each other, she sent me a lovely text message that was as vibrant and promising as the blooming weather:

Hey I had this wonderful plan. I plan on buying a lot of land in the middle of nowhere, on which I’d put an ‘eco home’. I’d grow my own food and have a horse as well as my small pet now. Wanna come?? (Serious offer). Remember when we used to dream about this stuff in high school? Well guess what, it can happen now! Haha.

The thought of living with my best friend was already dreamy. We had indeed planned to move in together ever since high school. I think it really speaks to how deeply we had grown to be comfortable in each other’s presence, how close we’d become, to the point that our future plans always included each other without question. Of course, these were also the early indicators of co-dependency, but we just did not know it at the time.

We were quite happy to chat excitedly over the phone while we browsed interior decorating magazines and giggled about choices of furniture. We sighed over houses we could never afford. We fantasized about places we could never live in, most notably Chicago, because that was where one of our favourite bands was from so obviously we would have to live there, too.

We philosophized over the colours of curtains and which kinds of scented candles we would have upstairs and downstairs. We could have cats or dogs. And better yet, both! Years later, we would quietly discuss the prospect of adopting children and we solemnly vowed that if we weren’t married for love (particularly to each other) by the age of 30, that we may as well never get married at all.

When my Narc used to work exhausting factory night shifts, I would prepare a series of cute text messages for her to read while she was relaxing in the bath after work. Circumstances being what they were, we had to maintain a long-distance relationship at that point. This was my small, imaginary means of greeting her with a kiss on the cheek when she came home.

I would poetically describe a different scenario each night: cooking and eating dinner together, massaging her feet while we watched a movie, taking her coat off at the door and sweeping her into my arms, making her coffee in the morning, going shopping together, having her sneak up behind me and surprise me with a searing kiss while I was working at my computer, bringing her breakfast in bed…my imagination offered an endless supply of domestically blissful scenarios in which we found ourselves, and my Narc was quite a willing and able participant in our shared fantasies.

We meant no harm. I guess that in our minds, we already functioned like a happily married couple. There was just this little thing called reality that kept getting in our way.

Like all the best laid plans, our plan to live together never became a reality. It’s worth pointing out here that my relationship with my Narc was my only most serious and intense one. I have always been a hopeless romantic, but my Narc is truly the first person with which I imagined a life-long future with. I wanted the whole nine yards, as they say: professional fulfillment, personal happiness, a joyful family, and a wife with which to share this miraculous life with.

I was completely captivated by the connection I felt with my Narc. It took my breath away to know that she seemingly reciprocated my feelings and that I was not alone in my visions for the future. I loved her for taking my loneliness away, for encouraging me to explore my desires, and for never once trying to constrain my emotional intensity.

My Narc and I pushed the limits of each other’s imagination with graceful ease, never pausing to wonder for a moment if we were being realistic. We did not care about fracturing reality, about facts and feelings sometimes being mismatched. All we cared about was the high that we got from being together. That was enough. God, that was more than enough.

Over the years, and especially near the end of our relationship, we somehow tacitly gave each other permission for our shared imaginations to become a safe place for us to explore…darker thoughts. Sometimes we would text or email them to each other, despite feeling that it was risqué to put them out there like that.

Yet the rush we got from doing so was incomparable. I was hesitant to share my sexual fantasies with her at first, but she prompted me to be forthright about them. She told me that she didn’t mind at all, and that in fact she wanted me to be even more detailed.

It got to the point that we didn’t even have to wonder if we shared the same needs and wants; we explored everything between us from the most tender, sensual possibilities to rough, careless, wicked trysts that seemed to drip with fiery passion even through the screen.

Our influence on each other was corruptive. In our imaginations, we could do no wrong. Moral considerations paled in comparison to the power of feelings. Whatever we thought of, instantly became our reality. The greatest element of our seduction was the fact that we shared this potent, intoxicating reality.

We were, I supposed, always just on the brink of making our imaginations come true. This lent a kind of super charged energy to our interactions over the years: the promise of something more, just teasingly out of reach, yet conveyed through just a touch or a gaze. I still shiver just thinking about it.

So in truth, my Narc’s marriage proposal shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did. She’d practically foreshadowed it a few weeks prior during one of our many late-night text fests:

You always catch me off guard. When i really love someone, i want them to be like you…

I guess what i was trying to say is when I was hopelessly in love with my ex, i wish he would’ve had half the devotion of you.

If people put the effort in as you do, no one would be divorced.

When I was a little girl imagining the love of my life and my wedding, it just didn’t cross my mind that I would fall in love head over heels with a psychopathic Narcissist. That kind of reality never factored into my imagination.

But I was abruptly faced with it in August of 2016. I’d spilled my heart and soul out to my Narc, knowing full well that she was a psychopathic Narcissist, and declared my undying love for her. More important than my message, however, was the way in which I said it; to my knowledge, I think that my Narc was exceptionally moved, caught off guard, and immensely pleased, which led her to text:

I don’t know what to say but i know that I’m blessed to have you. And everything that you are and will ever be. I hope its gonna be the rest of our lives.

Then a few moments later, she sent me eight simple words that made my breath catch in my throat:

Marry me and run away with me, ok?

And that’s how it happened: the love of my life just proposed marriage, and even though I had just discovered what NPD was, I was still seriously tempted. I remember being so excited that I ended up staying awake all night evaluating the seriousness of her proposal.

One the one hand, my feelings made no sense. I was struggling to process my already present shock, devastation, heartbreak, and rage regarding her abuse and the discovery of her Narcissism; this clashed viciously with a bewildering tenderness, hope, euphoria, arousal, and undeniable love that swirled within me like an intoxicating brew.

My imagination demanded that I surrendered to the intensity of my feelings, and just as I had become accustomed to doing, I gave into this pattern of fantasizing.

That’s why on the other hand, I was considering how profound our connection was. How striking my Narc’s presence was, and what a gorgeous young woman she was. Deeply troubled and damaged, to be sure, but then again…I already knew that.

I had plunged head first into our relationship from the start and never once wanted to let go, until holding on compromised my very life.

Come to think of it, my Narc is not exactly someone that you can easily say “no” to. We’re both very stubborn when it comes to handling rejection. But my point is that my Narc had an utterly compelling aura and charisma to her, to the point that I just had to share my observations with her:

Tonight there was such an intensity to your eyes. You looked at me once or twice with something that made my heart stop. Now I know I’m not completely unhinged okay. I just noticed a playful, wicked gleam, and something…else. Darker, even. It was fun and honest. Something that made me want to stare at you and never tear my gaze away, something to your sly smile that made me want to say yes to whatever thoughts were rattling around that pretty head of yours.

On the night my Narc proposed marriage, I did not say “yes.” I also didn’t say “no.”

Instead, I lost myself in fantasies of us together, or us against the world. Most interestingly, I found myself revisiting her most human moments:

Her penchant for drinking Dr. Pepper and crunching on Doritos. Her enjoyment of Christmas and assorted Christmas music (especially listening to Michael Buble and Frank Sinatra by the crackling fireplace). Her charming laugh. The way her rare smile illuminated her face. Her strong hands.

The photographs she showed me of her as a baby. Her blue toque. Her love of wearing all black. Her battered MP3 player. Her flowing hair spilled across the pillow, bathed in early morning light. The way she said my name.

And I never told her any of this, but these were exactly the moments when I knew most profoundly that I was irrevocably in love with her. These were the moments that could not be faked or manipulated. Their truth was fully in how they felt. I wanted us to share those moments for the rest of our lives. Together.

At least, that was the plan.

During the moments when my circumstances overwhelm me, when reality gets in the way of all our plans, I retreat into the house we never lived in together.

This place has become a sort of refuge. I imagine that it’s in the middle of nowhere, in a cleared-out field, surrounded by tall pines. If you listen closely, you can hear a wolf howling in the distance. That’s how very far away from civilization we are.

Every time I came to this house, I would acquire a new identity, a new voice, a new purpose, a new way of being me. It is a place where my Narc and I are allowed to be alone together and to seek pleasure without consequence.

I imagine that the woman I am when I walk into that house is always different than the woman I am when I walk out of it.

Maybe it’s the way I style my hair. Or perhaps it’s the coat I put on. The meals we’ve shared. The things we’ve talked about. The nights we’ve spent. The arguments and reconciliations we’ve endured. The feelings we’ve drowned in. I am so sentimental.

Every room of the house holds a different memory, although my wish to see my Narc there remains the same. This house is where I can freely admit that I want to see her again without needing to castigate myself for this unhealthy thought. I’m simply free to think and to feel. And just like in reality, this is the place where my Narc lets me cradle the filthiest thoughts, but won’t approve or consent to them, which makes me feel dirty for even having them at all.

I am aware that using my imagination like this is known as maladaptive daydreaming. The problem is, I cannot stop. And to be perfectly honest, I cannot stop because I don’t quite want to.

You can speak to me without boundaries. I’m always intrigued by your mind. You never fail to amaze me.

My Narc and I imagined without boundaries. All things considered, this was far safer than living without boundaries. I maintain that the greatest thing we ever did was to make our minds unbound, to not put restrictions on our imaginations by sharing them earnestly and honestly.

But after a while, my mind stopped creating fantastic realities.

I clued into my hollow, aching loneliness in the face of reality. I admitted my deepest fears to my Narc once:

Another thing that frightens me is even if I have all I could ever want in life-including a loving, happy, respectful relationship-I will always somehow crave you.

And no, I don’t mean your False Self or all the ways you pretend; I do mean you.

Turns out I’m a hypocrite, too; I guess that’s only human. I’m worried that in all of my small, quiet moments, like when I’m making coffee, or getting dressed, or before sleep, or when I’m driving somewhere, I’m always going to find you-because I want you to be there.

I can’t give in, but I want to. I think…I also need to. In some moments it’s tiring to pretend otherwise.

I need it like a heart needs blood to beat, and I want it the way a desert wants rain. I used to be ashamed of my feelings for you, especially after I found out about your Narcissism, but not anymore. It’s pointless to carry shame for feelings, and in my case it’s impossible because I literally run on pure, intensified emotion.

You said once that you were glad you found it within yourself to reciprocate the same feeling I gave you (namely, love, only you didn’t admit that). That’s exactly why I need reciprocity, because if I don’t have it, then I feel empty.

Your reciprocity would be my euphoria.

So really, my pain isn’t coming from the fact that I’m in love with someone I can never have; I could have you. We could have each other. That’s not the problem. Sure, I put in place fail safes. Because I know my weaknesses. Many people are here to support me and ensure that I don’t crumble; I made it all but impossible for you to intrude into my life again.

What I struggle with actually is how right it feels when I’m with you (until it all goes wrong, of course). How easy it would be for me to completely give into what I want.

You.

In the face of these fears, our house in the middle of nowhere became the safest place for me to go, somewhere that her and I could see each other again, far from the mocking world. A place where this fear is not a fear, but the spark which lights desire and makes us come alive.

Some days I pray we don’t run into each other ever again. Other days there is nothing that I want more than for us to hurtle into each other’s’ arms, just the way we used to do.

But here’s the thing about imagination: it only builds on what you already know.

I know that my Narc is abusive. I know that her cruelty and cold, emotionless façade had become immensely tiresome. I know that I resented her apathy and hated her for every single way that she hurt me.

When I consider what I know, rather than just what I feel, I find that I cannot stay in our house for long. So let me rephrase my original question:

When an abusive psychopathic Narcissist asks you to marry them in order to emotionally manipulate you, insists that you compromise your own health, safety, happiness, and work to run away with them, and implies that you should drop all your family, friends, connections, and goals to be confined to a house in the middle of nowhere…what do you do?

If you follow in my footsteps, you will go No Contact.

Survivors talk about recovering from their abusers, yet no one seems to talk about how hard it is to retrieve your own feelings from them. Recovery is supposed to mean that you hate your abuser, that you despise them, that someday you are numb to them and could care less about their existence.

You’re supposed to change your number. Change your locks. Change cities. You have to stop listening to all the songs you loved. Stop visiting your old haunts. Stop stalking their social media.

You must especially stop having feelings for your abuser. You’re simply not allowed to. It’s wrong. And it’s wrong even more so when you have every reason to celebrate going No Contact with an abusive Narcissist.

I know all this. But since I am living with BPD, I also know that my feelings just go on and on and on and on.

I wonder, when will it all end?

In the aftermath of love and abuse, the truth is that I still love my Narc…my abuser. I still wonder about her and what she’s doing. I have to particularly turn my thoughts away from considering if she’s married or if she has any children. I stop myself from wondering where she is and who she is with. I don’t want to know who she’s become. Dwelling on that too much would take away whatever sanity I happen to have left.

And whenever I find myself at the doorstep of that house I imagine for us, I let my hand rest softly on the doorknob.

Because I still want to find her there when I open the door.

24 notes · View notes

doggonneit · 6 years

Text

The Last Red Scribble | Part 2/2

Fandom: Haikyuu!!

Pairing/Characters: Kuroo/Tsukishima, Shimizu

Rating: T for Teen

Warnings: Abortion reference

A.N. This is the final part of the KuroTsuki Gift Exchange 2017, written for @moonislander on Tumblr. Hope you enjoy!

Italics is Tsukishima. Bold is Kuroo.

[Read on AO3]

Tuesday PM

(11:02) so i might be dumb

(11:05) If you have the mental capacity to figure that out, you paradoxically can’t be that dumb.

(11:06) i might not play in the match on thurs (11:06) i punched a guy

(11:07) Why the fuck would you do that.

(11:08) im a rational guy (11:08) but when things happen (11:09) they happen

(11:10) I changed my mind. (11:10) I’m not letting Tobio anywhere near you. You are the worst role model for him.

(11:10) hear me out (11:11) its good i swear

(11:12) …

(11:12) so at practice this newbie kept staring at akaashi (11:12) creepy but harmless (11:12) but then the dudes hand started wandering (11:13) so i socked him in the jaw (11:13) gotta keep the bros boyfriend safe right

(11:15) I’m sure Akaashi appreciates it.

(11:16) nah but bokuto did lololol

(11:16) The question is, how many laps did your coach make you run?

(11:17) dude i ran till i hurled (11:17) make me feel better? (11:17) *sad face emoji*

(11:20) The newly discovered dinosaur fossils in China have changed the way scientists understand the evolution of feathers.

(11:22) huh (11:22) not quite what i had in mind but cool

(11:23) It’s my job.

(11:23) youre a geneticist who collects dino dna from amber (11:23) YOURE GOING TO BRING THEM BACK

(11:23) I’m a research assistant.

(11:24) doesnt mean you dont know how

(11:24) Amber DNA is too deteriorated for any type of resurrection.

(11:24) but if you could (11:25) would you

(11:25) Yes.

(11:26) million dollar question which dino though

(11:27) Velociraptor, duh.

(11:27) not a t rex?

(11:28) T-rexes were lumpy potatoes with useless arms. (11:28) Velociraptors had claws on their hind legs for disembowelling prey. (11:28) You tell me which one’s superior.

(11:29) youre so fired up its great (11:29) keep talking dinos to me

(11:31) I would but I have articles to type up before tomorrow.

(11:31) what an aDULTY ADULT (11:31) doing his JOB AND HAVING PROSPECTS

(11:33) Do you mock young and successful people because it temporarily alleviates the worthlessness you feel on a daily basis?

(11:35) savage af

(11:35) :))))

(11:35) i never shouldve went to uni (11:36) dietetics then sports med? (11:36) regret tastes like ash in my mouth (11:36) fucking murder me

(11:37) That was very poetic.

(11:38) you like poetry?

(11:38) I don’t mind it.

(11:39) hypothetically (11:39) could bad poetry seduce you

(11:40) Hypothetically (11:40) No.

(11:40) damn

(11:41) I bet you’re the type of person to fall for sappy crap like that.

(11:41) damn right (11:41) in elementary school a girl wrote me a poem (11:42) we dated all the way from recess to lunch

(11:43) Your longest relationship, huh?

(11:44) all from a shitty roses are red poem (11:44) i bet you can do better (11:45) seduce me o seductive seducer

(11:47) Congratulations, I have literally never been less turned off in my entire life.

(11:48) to reiterate (11:48) 1. i am dumb (11:48) 2. regret tastes like ash in my mouth

(11:49) Mmm. (11:50) You know what else tastes like ash? (11:51) *image attached*

(11:53) oh baby (11:54) you could never taste like regret (11:54) now take that cigarette out of your mouth

(11:54) Yes, daddy.

(11:55) hjlfkllkkl (11:56) okay i need you to stop fucking with me its bad for my heart

(11:56) :)))))

Wednesday PM

(8:13) tsukki you cant just do that

(8:14) Do what?

(8:14) i almost rolled into an early grave

(8:14) I have no idea what you’re talking about.

(8:14) do you know what its like to turn around and see the brightest blueberry eyes in the entire universe

(8:15) Oh, you mean Akiteru taking Tobio to the recreation centre?

(8:15) I SAW STARS IN HIS EYES TSUKKI

(8:16) Tobio said he had a lot of fun. (8:16) I’ve never seen him so animated before.

(8:17) your son is adorable (8:17) i dont have favourites but hes my favourite

(8:17) Don’t spoil him.

(8:18) no promises (8:18) your blueberry son is everything that is good and pure in this world (8:18) im so proud of you

(8:19) Me??

(8:19) well you made him

(8:19) You must’ve slept through Biology in high school because making a child is a two-person job.

(8:20) clearly tobio got his good looks from you

(8:20) We literally look nothing alike.

(8:21) are you telling me tobio has two beautiful parents (8:21) lies (8:22) pics or it didnt happen

(8:22) ...

(8:23) i just realised how that sounded (8:23) and i in no way meant to ask you for a picture of you sleeping with tobios mother

(8:27) I have never (8:27) Laughed so hard in my entire life (8:28) I choked on my fucking tea.

(8:28) whoopsss

(8:29) But since you asked (8:29) *image attached*

(8:29) please dont tell me thats actually a pic of you two fucking (8:29) because i would be really weirded out

(8:30) That’s not a picture of us fucking.

(8:30) im trusting you okay (8:31) OH MY GOODNESS (8:31) AHAHAHAHAH (8:31) SHE IS SO BEAUTIFULLL

(8:31) She gets that a lot.

(8:32) im having a hard time trying to figure out if im jealous of you or her

(8:32) No point. We’re not together.

(8:33) i figured if you were you wouldve said something earlier (8:33) so let me guess (8:33) she cheated on you

(8:34) No.

(8:35) you cheated on her

(8:35) No. (8:35) Do I look like a cheater?

(8:35) hey i dont stereotype

(8:35) There was no cheating. Just unfortunate circumstances.

(8:36) one night stand accidental baby?

(8:36) Yeah, close enough.

(8:37) thats tough (8:37) it happened to my older sister too (8:37) but she ended up marrying the guy (8:37) they were like fuck yeah lets be a family (8:38) so now im the proud uncle of a literal ball of snot

(8:39) That was Akiteru when he held Tobio for the first time. (8:39) He couldn’t stop crying. (8:39) It was gross.

(8:40) dude was holding the future in his hands (8:40) of course he was crying

(8:40) You cried when you held your literal ball of snot for the first time, didn’t you?

(8:41) THIS ISNT ABOUT ME ITS ABOUT YOU (8:41) BACK TO YOUR ONE NIGHT STAND

(8:41) You need to be a level five friend to unlock my tragic backstory.

(8:41) well okay (8:41) what level am i at now

(8:43) Zero.

(8:44) what (8:44) how can you say that (8:44) we had an anniversary (8:44) your brother loves me (8:45) your son adores me

(8:45) My brother what now.

(8:45) did i forget to mention?? (8:46) we bonded over vball (8:46) now were texting buddies (8:46) we talk about you ALL THE TIME

(8:48) You’re lying. (8:48) Akiteru would never do that to me.

(8:48) you had a dinosaur nightlight until you were eleven

(8:49) … (8:49) Excuse me. (8:49) I have a murder to commit.

(8:49) tell akiteru i said hi!!

Thursday AM

(9:23) WISH US LUKC TSUUKIIIII

(9:24) You’re… Bokuto. The Bset Freind Foreber.

(9:24) YAEH YOU RMEMEBR ME (9:24) I STOEL KUROOS PHONE LOL (9:24) WE GOT OUR MATHC TODAY (9:24) HES PLAYIGN TOO

(9:25) Even after he punched that guy in the face?

(9:25) COAHC IS A GOOD UPTSANDING MAN (9:25) WHO DOESTN TOLERATE SEZXUAL ASSUALT (9:25) I ALSO MAY HAVE THROWN A TANTRNM ON COUTR

(9:26) I’m impressed. Good job.

(9:26) WE’RE RARIGN TO GO (9:26) LOOK AT US WE LOOKS O GOOD (9:27) *image attached*

(9:27) Yeah, you blurs look really good.

(9:27) OKAY OKAY WAIT (9:28) *image attached* (9:28) AKAASGHHI TOOK TAHT ONE (9:28) AWESOME AYYY

(9:29) Are those (9:29) Sleeveless red jerseys (9:29) ?

(9:29) YAEEHHHH (9:29) WAIT THISS IS EVEN BETTER (9:29) CHEKC THIS OUT (9:30) HOLD ON

(9:30) *image attached*

(9:30) ...

(9:30) GROUP FLEX

(9:30) I

(9:31) LOOKGNI SEXY SMEZY RIGHT (9:31) ;)))))))))

(9:32) No.

(9:32) LIAR I BET YOU’RE BLUSHIGN

(9:32) Go warm up before your match.

(9:32) IM TELLIGN KUROO!!!!!!

Thursday PM

(3:16) a lil birdie told me (3:16) youre into (3:16) BICEPS

(3:17) It’s a lie.

(3:17) so this does nothing for you (3:17) *image attached*

(3:17) ...

(3:17) oikawa and akaashi (3:18) slender and toned specimens (3:18) 7.5/10

(3:18) You have got to be kidding me.

(3:18) dont be shy no judgement here (3:18) *image attached* (3:18) terushima and ushiwaka (3:19) terushimas built but ushiwakas got power going (3:19) 8/10 and 9/10

(3:19) I can’t believe you right now.

(3:19) *image attached* (3:19) these are bokutos (3:19) amazing right my boy is STACKED (3:20) 10/10

(3:19) Please stop.

(3:20) the real killers though (3:20) *image attached* (3:20) IWAIZUMI (3:21) look at that (3:21) he could choke me and id thank him 12/10

(3:22) Are you done with the meat parade?

(3:22) just one more (3:22) *image attached* (3:22) ME (3:23) what do you think??

(3:23) I’m not stroking your already inflated ego.

(3:24) i know for a fact youre not a blushing virgin (3:24) now stop being shy and rate me

(3:24) You’re ridiculous. (3:24) Fine. (3:24) Solid muscle. Good definition. (3:24) 9/10

(3:25) only 9?? (3:25) im hurt im insulted (3:25) would it make a difference if i used a filter

(3:26) Why not.

(3:26) *image attached*

(3:26) Superb musculature, clearly the result of endless hours of hard work. (3:26) 10/10

(3:26) i knew it (3:27) i gotta go rub this in oikawas face (3:27) he will rue the day he ever thought he was better built than me (3:27) text later okay

(3:27) Kuroo.

(3:27) yes dear

(3:27) You forgot to tell me. (3:28) Did you win the match?

(3:28) YEAH LOL

(3:28) Congratulations.

(3:28) thanks babe (3:28) the thought of you kept me going strong (3:28) *heart eyes emoji*

Friday PM

(10:23) i wondered what’d gotten tsukki so riled up (10:23) and then i saw all the biceps (10:23) loolllll

(10:25) im intrigued (10:25) who is this mysterious person with tsukkis phone

(10:25) ahh i’m yamaguchi (10:25) tsukki’s best friend (10:26) i may or may not have borrowed his phone when he wasn’t looking

(10:26) devious (10:26) i like it

(10:26) ur going to like this a lot more

(10:26) oho?

(10:26) it’s friday night (10:27) which means it’s karaoke night (10:27) with everyone from work

(10:27) there wouldnt happen to be (10:27) alcohol (10:27) involved would there

(10:28) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(10:28) you bring great news friend (10:28) so what do i need to sacrifice to get a vid of tsukki (10:28) doing a drunken rendition of my heart will go on

(10:29) that’s a big request (10:29) tsukki hates performing (10:19) especially to cliches

(10:30) okay but you do have the ability to make him to do so

(10:30) that depends on what ur willing to sacrifice

(10:30) you ARE devious (10:30) all right what do you want

(10:32) ur number and ur firstborn

(10:33) im devoted to tsukki just saying (10:33) firstborn no problem

(10:33) i want ur number bc i want to keep u accountable (10:33) not bc i’m interested in u, u loser

(10:34) i can see why you two are best friends

(10:34) we have a deal??

(10:34) fuck yeah lets go

(10:34) gimme fifteen minutes (10:34) tsukki’s already tipsy on strawberry daiquiris

(10:34) this is gonna be so good (10:34) lets go lets go lets go

(10:53) i am (10:53) a GOD (10:53) *video attached*

(10:57) AHAHAHAHA (10:57) this is (10:57) the second best day (10:57) of my life (10:57) omg is this real its beautiful

(10:58) he is SO BAD, RIGHT

(10:58) is he better sober

(10:59) no but he can rap sober

(11:00) are you fucking with me

(11:01) nopee

(11:01) what do i need to sacrifice to see that

(11:01) u couldn’t afford it (11:02) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(11:02) worth a shot (11:02) youre a true bro anyway

(11:03) why thank yoyiijkpll

(11:03) you okay bud

(11:03) What teh fuck

(11:03) tsukki?? (11:04) babe (11:04) so me and your bestie bonded too

(11:04) Waht the actual fuvk (11:04) I’m too drukn to typpe (11:04) You fuckign pick up whenm I call

(11:05) wait what

Mysterious Phone Man Tsukki is calling…

“Uhh… hello?”

“I… I am going to… gouge your eyes out.”

“Holy shit, you’re slurring. You’re soo drunk.”

“Hi, Kuroo!”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

“Kuroo, you shit. I sh… should’ve known you’d do something like this.”

“Hey, Yamaguchi was the one who filmed you!”

“Ohh no, don’t blame me, you enabler!"

“You know what, I’m not even sorry. That was wicked. Oh my god, I’m definitely in love.”

“What a complete dick… hole.”

“Aw babe, you’re so eloquent when you’re drunk. What did Yamaguchi give you, hmm?"

“JÄEGERBOMBS, WHOO!”

“Fucking disgush-- disgusting.”

“Then why’d you drink it, you dork?”

“Ughh…"

“Don’t forget you owe me, Kuroo!”

“Gonna kill you both.”

“I dare you. Come to Tobio’s practice tomorrow and we’ll have a fucking throwdown.”

“I’m going to be so hungover.”

“I double dare you.”

"Fucking… fine.”

“Wow, Kuroo. You’re really good at riling Tsukki up, you know that?”

“It’s a special talent. Now you boys enjoy the rest of your night. I’m going to watch that rendition one more time and laugh myself to sleep.”

“FUCK YOU, KUROO!”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

“Aww, you guys.”

“YOU FUCKING--”

Click.

Saturday AM

(7:46) GOOD MORNINGGG (7:46) THROWDOWN AT 10 (7:46) DONT FORGET

Mysterious Phone Man Tsukki is calling…

“Uh-oh. Am I in trouble?”

“I fucking hate you.”

“Soo… your head is pulsing, your throat is parched and you want to die in a hole?"

“I was unconscious. Unable to feel pain. Now I’m back in the world of the living.”

“Don't be mad. If you drag your ass down to the rec centre, I’ll get coffee for you.”

“...”

“Is that a yes?”

“Large black.”

“Black coffee? Are you serious?”

“It matches my soul.”

“O-kay, anything else?”

“Strawberry muffin.”

“Your soul confuses me.”

“And something for Tobio.”

“No shit, duh. Akiteru?”

“He can starve.”

“Still haven’t forgiven him for telling me about the dinosaur nightlight, huh?”

“And I’ll never forgive you if you bring it up again.”

“Bring what up again?”

“Good boy.”

“Can we revisit that conversation about kinks again?”

Click.

Saturday AM

(9:47) ive got coffee and muffins (9:47) hot chocolate for tobio (9:47) and a latte for akiteru bc im not an ass

(9:52) Fuck.

(9:52) i know youre mad at akiteru but no need to get hissy

(9:52) It’s not that. (9:52) We can’t make it to practice anymore.

(9:53) ????

(9:53) Tobio’s mother is here.

(9:53) whoaa what

(9:53) I’m really sorry. (9:53) Especially since you bought breakfast. (9:54) I’ll pay you back.

(9:54) dont worry about it lol (9:54) ill share it with the other guys

(9:54) Are you mad?

(9:55) kinda disappointed but not at you (9:55) its not your fault

(9:55) I really am sorry. (9:56) I need to go, but I’ll text you later okay?

(9:56) no need to stress (9:57) practice is about to start anyway

Saturday PM

(1:28) Are you free to talk now?

(1:29) kuroos sperm bank (1:29) you squeeze em we freeze em

(1:29) That is disgusting.

(1:30) tsukki its time for the talk you never got when you hit puberty (1:30) what you must realise is that masturbation is healthy and natural

(1:30) We are not having this conversation. Ever.

(1:31) babe dont be embarrassed (1:31) one day youll have to have the same convo with tobio lololol

(1:31) Please don’t remind me.

(1:31) you doing okay

(1:32) I’ve had a shitty morning.

(1:33) id also be in a bad mood if i were hungover and my ex showed up uninvited

(1:33) She’s not (1:33) Whatever.

(1:33) not... your ex?

(1:34) She can’t be my ex if we never went out.

(1:34) idk you had a one night stand with her

(1:34) It’s complicated.

(1:35) have i reached level five friend yet

(1:35) …

(1:35) im here to listen

(1:37) I guess you might be a level five friend.

(1:37) hell yeah

(1:37) I can’t believe this. I don’t even know you.

(1:38) im hurt (1:38) you just blessed me as your level five friend

(1:40) I don’t know where to start.

(1:40) lets start small (1:40) howd you meet her

(1:40) Shimizu was my senior in high school. (1:40) We weren’t close but we kept in touch after she graduated. (1:40) Study tips and stuff like that.

(1:41) thats cute (1:41) sounds innocent

(1:41) It wasn’t ever anything more than that. (1:42) We just (1:43) There’s a lot to learn about yourself when you’re a teenager. (1:43) And we thought we could help each other out.

(1:44) seems like you two trusted each other a lot

(1:44) We did. (1:44) Do. (1:44) But there was never a relationship. (1:45) We slept together but neither of us really wanted it.

(1:46) what do you mean?

(1:46) I’m gay. (1:46) Shimizu’s ace. (1:46) We both cried afterwards. (1:47) Pathetic, right.

(1:47) i dont think thats pathetic at all (1:47) you bared your vulnerabilities to each other (1:47) and learned something about yourselves in the process (1:48) it takes a lot of courage to do something like that

(1:49) I guess.

(1:50) so tobio was the result of that huh

(1:50) Yeah. (1:50) It was bad. (1:50) Our families were so pissed at each other. (1:51) They talked about abortion and marriage and all that shit.

(1:51) i dont envy you at all (1:51) that mustve been a complete shit storm and a half

(1:51) Shimizu and I considered a platonic marriage. (1:52) But we didn’t want to do something neither of us wanted again.

(1:52) so wedding nay but baby yay

(1:52) Tobio lived with Shimizu. (1:52) Until she got a job offer in America. (1:53) She thought a new country would’ve been too much for him. (1:53) You know how that turned out.

(1:54) stomping sandcastles and chucking buckets (1:54) i still think tobios a champ

(1:55) Dickwad.

(1:55) i love you too babe (1:55) but seriously you and tobio have been doing a lot better (1:56) hes talking to you and his teacher said he was playing with other kids

(1:56) Tobio had (1:56) He’d settled. (1:56) He’d looked at me. (1:57) But one glance at Shimizu today and (1:58) It was like I didn’t exist again. (1:58) Fuck. (1:58) I can’t do this.

(1:58) hey hey hey (1:58) tobio was just excited to see his mum (1:58) four months right (1:59) he wouldve missed her like crazy (1:59) he wants kisses and cuddles (1:59) doesnt mean hes forgotten his old man

(2:00) First of all, I’m not old.

(2:02) ... (2:02) second of all??

(2:02) I don’t have a second of all.

(2:03) LOLOLOL

(2:03) Shut up, I’m emotional right now.

(2:03) naww babe (2:03) youre just overthinking things (2:03) talk to tobio (2:03) hes five but he understands shit (2:04) tell him you love him just as much as his mum does (2:04) then throw in a vball reference or something idk

(2:04) You’re so helpful.

(2:04) even if tobio doesnt understand everything (2:04) verbalising will help sort out your emotions

(2:05) I thought you were doing Sports Medicine, not Psychiatry.

(2:05) i am an old man with decades of wisdom

(2:05) There it is.

(2:05) what?

(2:05) STRANGER DANGER.

(2:06) i cant believe (2:06) i walked right into that one

(2:06) Lol.

(2:06) feeling better?

(2:07) Yeah. (2:07) Thanks for listening to me vent. (2:07) It did help clear my head.

(2:08) thats what level five friends are for

(2:09) I’m still sorry about missing practice this morning. (2:09) Can I make it up to you?

(2:09) how about (2:09) lets do this properly (2:10) and go on a real date

(2:11) I (2:11) You want that?

(2:11) youre intelligent witty and hilarious (2:11) you love your son and would do anything for him (2:12) plus youre the most beautiful person ive ever seen (2:12) theres no reason i wouldnt want to

(2:12) Wow.

(2:12) thats a very lacklustre reaction

(2:13) No, I’m just (2:13) Surprised.

(2:13) good or bad surprised?

(2:13) Good surprised. (2:13) I didn’t expect you to be so straightforward.

(2:14) i have literally been calling you babe and sweetheart and dear

(2:14) I thought flirtation was an integral part of your personality. (2:14) Am I wrong to assume you flirt with everyone?

(2:14) well no (2:15) i joke around a lot (2:15) but i mean it with you (2:15) youre amazing in every way

(2:16) I really don’t know what to say to that.

(2:16) how does this sound (2:16) you me and tobio (2:16) at the park tomorrow (2:16) picnic and volleyball

(2:18) You’d want Tobio there?

(2:18) of course hes my favourite (2:18) and also because hes important to you

(2:18) Nice save.

(2:18) so picnic?

(2:18) Yeah. (2:18) I’d like that. (2:19) Tobio’s excited too. (2:19) He says he’ll help make riceballs.

(2:19) thats the cutest fucken thing ive heard all day (2:19) BOKTUO BRO HIGH FIVE ME IM GOING ON A PICNIC WITH TSUKKI AND TOBIO TOMORROW ADN IVE NEVER BEEN THIS EIXCITED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

(2:19) Kuroo.

(2:19) uhh (2:20) wrong number (2:21) fuck it NO REGRETS

Sunday AM

(9:12) Hello, is this Kuroo?

(9:15) yeess (9:15) whos this

(9:17) My name is Shimizu Kiyoko.

(9:17) wait as in (9:17) tsukki and tobios shimizu??

(9:18) Yes.

(9:18) uhh hey (9:18) not that i dont want to talk to you (9:18) but why do you have my number

(9:19) I took it from Tsukishima’s phone. (9:19) Our last few conversations he mentioned your name and it piqued my curiosity.

(9:19) tsukki talks about me?

(9:20) He doesn’t think you’re a nuisance. (9:20) That’s very rare.

(9:20) what can i say (9:20) im charming when i want to be

(9:20) Tobio is quite taken with you. (9:21) That’s also very rare. (9:21) You’re the exception to the rule; I’m sure you understand why I’m curious.

(9:22) i guess but i dont know if theres much to say (9:22) we all just like volleyball

(9:22) Your influence helped smooth out their relationship.

(9:22) it wasnt much (9:22) i just mentioned vball and things went from there (9:22) it was all them

(9:23) You helped them find common ground in their lives. (9:23) I know how difficult it was for them beforehand.

(9:23) they wouldve figured things out eventually (9:23) theyre amazing as they are

(9:24) You sound fond of them.

(9:24) i am (9:24) tobios a good kid (9:24) and tsukki makes me laugh (9:24) mostly at my own expense (9:24) but i like that he doesnt hold back

(9:25) Tsukishima holds you in similar thoughts. (9:25) He’d never admit it but I know him well enough.

(9:25) so this conversation (9:25) are you basically sussing out whether or not im a piece of shit

(9:25) Yes.

(9:25) how am i doing so far

(9:27) You’re fine.

(9:27) oh thank god

(9:27) I don’t understand. You sound relieved?

(9:27) well youre tobios mum (9:27) and tsukki has a lot of respect for you (9:28) so your opinions pretty important

(9:30) I’m surprised. Not many others would consider that.

(9:31) idk it makes sense

(9:32) I’m glad Tsukishima found someone who accepts our unusual circumstances. (9:32) I was afraid my decision to keep Tobio would affect his future relationships.

(9:32) tsukki wouldnt care about people like that anyway (9:33) hed give tobio the world before he gave it to anyone else (9:33) but who wouldnt for a kid like that

(9:35) I think the same, but I may be biased.

(9:35) tobios earnest and hardworking (9:36) determined to challenge himself (9:36) you raised a good kid

(9:36) Thank you. That means a lot to me.

(9:36) its the truth (9:36) so i have passed your inspection or nah

(9:39) There’s a lot I want to say but I’ll keep it brief for both our sakes.

(9:39) yikes

(9:40) I care for Tsukishima and Tobio so much more than I can put into words. (9:40) I hope it means something that I think you’re good for them.

(9:41) oh (9:41) yeah (9:41) yeah it does (9:41) thanks (9:41) im not eloquent enough for this (9:42) but i care a lot for them too (9:42) and ill take care of them (9:42) for as long as theyll have me (9:42) for as long as youll let me

(9:44) I can see why Tsukishima and Tobio like you.

(9:44) tsukki only likes me for my biceps

(9:44) Funny. (9:44) Tsukishima is actually reading this over my shoulder.

(9:45) uh oh (9:45) is he sulking now

(9:45) A little bit. (9:45) He does have a weakness for muscles.

(9:46) I KNEW IT (9:46) AHAHAHAHAHA (9:46) hes never going to live this down

(9:47) Oh, I shouldn’t have let that slip. (9:47) Tsukishima’s mad at me now.

(9:47) bless his sensitive soul

(9:47) He’s telling Tobio to spike a ball into your face.

(9:48) what

(9:48) Tobio might actually do it.

(9:48) shimizu (9:48) i know were merely acquaintances (9:49) but help

(9:50) Strawberry shortcake. (9:50) It’s Tsukishima’s favourite.

(9:50) thats adorable (9:50) i owe you one

(9:50) Then take care of them. (9:50) Or I’ll take care of you.

(9:51) wh

(9:51) Have fun on your date. (9:51) Tobio will tell me all about it. (9:51) :)

#kurotsukiexchange #kuroo tetsurou #tsukishima kei #kurotsuki #haikyuu!!#hqfanfic #doggoneithq

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andseperand · 7 years

Text

thoughts

ive been sitting on this post for the better part of a year. i tried to read through it and make edits, but im going to have to post this as is. maybe ill be able to edit it someday. anyway, this is completely composed of spoilers.

tl;dr: i mostly wrote bitterness about “kung food,” “origins part 1,″ and “reflekta.”

these are my thoughts on what ive watched of the first season of miraculous ladybug (i have watched most of every episode except the last three).

i may be confused or misinformed on some points. some of this is not as serious as other parts, and the writing style is disjointed because i didnt write it all in one go. any links are formatted within brackets (as in [text]).

ordered by the order i initially watched (parts of) the episodes in and indicated by villain name somehow (english, korean, french, french translation, etc.).

stormy weather/climatika

why did alya just toss manon like that? she couldve hurt something just being thrown around with her tiny little bones and joints that lack any significant cushioning. not to mention that her neck is completely unsupported. safety, much?

the bubbler/le bulleur

so the record is fully functional but also survived getting smacked off a building on its edge? wow.

copycat/l’imposteur/the imposter

i get that alya is supposed to be that “go-getter” friend who pushes marinette to be brave, but honestly, if she had waited another minute for marinette to be more ready for making a phone call, this wouldve been less of a mess. yeah, i get the “pushing boundaries to build confidence,” but honestly we could have waited for marinette to stop stalking adrien, too.

i gotta say: marinette is truly fearless. my phone is so suspicious. i would not have the confidence to deliberately touch it with my face and risk contact with who knows what has been on it.

the “moral” or whatever of this episode is kind of unclear? steal someones phone and run into issues with security but then also somehow break into it and get what you want anyway? no, thats not okay. its not that funny that marinette legitimately stole someones phone, and she doesnt even get seriously reprimanded for this.

timebreaker/chronogirl

one of the most pressing questions i have for this episode is why no one thought of using pockets or a bag or something to hold this important watch. hand perspiration is pretty bad for a lot of older and newer mechanical objects alike. why is this clearly-important item treated any different? ive considered both the “tikki is in the bag” (doesnt mean it has to be marinettes bag) and the “girl pockets” (marinette designed her own clothes, though) possibilities, and im still stumped.

mister/monsieur/mr./m. pigeon

how did chloe know what the colors were or even what the embroidery pattern looked like from a pencil sketch? it looked like chicken scratch.

lady wifi

im not sure that “dont violate other peoples privacy” was very well stated, seeing as alya was landed with an unfairly harsh punishment due to corrupt politicians. and how did that get resolved, anyway? was she still suspended? was there even supposed to be a moral in this mess?

the pharaoh/le pharaon

the villain is a pharaoh, continuing the ages-long trend of pretending ancient egyptian culture is just ~so interesting~ and that its portrayal isnt exploitative at all. i cant really say much about this, but i dont like those special ancient egypt episodes of anything.

rogercop

a mess

im pretty sure that this was to save animation budget or something, but why was marinette picking up those croissants off the floor and arranging them so nicely as if it really mattered what she did with them besides cleaning up the spill? i guess ill let it slide if shes trained that way as an advertising thing (though advertising doesnt get a free pass by default just because its strange).

the evillustrator/evil artist/le dessinateur

off topic, but could that tablet also erase or create living beings?

dark cupid/le dislocoeur/heartbreaker

this was still technically a kiss without consent? doesnt really feel all that romantic and whatnot. i cant really get behind this as shipping material.

horrificator

side note: i really liked how chloes english voice actor delivered the lines mockingly announcing mylenes “award” in the beginning.

im not a fan of the “you must kiss as part of acting” plot point. it always gives off those peer pressure vibes from other people and opportunistic vibes from main characters who want to actually kiss the other person.

darkblade/le chevalier noir/the black knight

sabrina is honestly super lucky that marinette made her box have a hole big enough for super tiny animated character wrists or else she wouldve been in a world of more pain.

alya had a platform? im so confused about how this election worked. did they do ballots or some sort of “heads down” in-class vote thing?

the/le mime

seeing as people dont lose their memories of being attacked by the villains, i really dont see how tearing down the eiffel tower (even in an animated show where people are not in the structure at the time) is the best way to minimize traumatic experiences. i get that it was supposed to be a “wow” moment for the plot and just visual effects but not the appeal.

kung food

the second i ever laid my eyes on this name i knew it would be bad, i just didnt know how bad because there were just so many ways it couldve gone with that phrase and i didnt know what to expect until i actually watched the episode. more on this in a bit.

there was literally no point to having the famous chef be related to marinette other than contrived circumstances to get adrien into this episode. im using this as a launching off point for talk of other stuff.

why didnt marinettes parents do anything about a relative coming to their house? this really baffles me because they have their daughter meet an effective stranger with no help.

why didnt marinettes parents tell her what languages the relative spoke? honestly, it kind of seems like they just didnt even care if this would cause her extreme anxiety or anything. you would really think they would have at least discussed this as a family because it was made pretty clear that his visit was actually expected. i thought way higher of their characters until it seemed that they pulled this crap move.

i know it was supposed to be all cute and a bonding moment when adrien came over to translate, but it was even more of a disaster. why did they take a car literally around the corner to get to the hotel? why didnt the chef go directly to the hotel if it was so close? was that adriens car? who was in charge of organizing this event and making sure the contestants didnt end up in the wrong place? how in the world did the chef even get to the bakery? because of the close proximity of the hotel to the bakery, it doesnt make sense that he would go to the bakery instead from an airport or something? unless he was supposed to meet his relatives? which, in this case, was not facilitated at all? so many questions are raised.

i dont speak nor understand mandarin, but im pretty sure adriens wasnt good enough for him to actually be complimented for it. then again, its nothing new to see white people getting complimented for deigning to learn a ~foreign language~ while i get interrogated about my lack of “authenticity” for not speaking “my native tongue,” so i guess the writers were just being realistic.

he bowed...funny story, at least one time i went to a restaurant with other visibly asian people and the apparently-white waiter kept making this weird head bobbing motion every time they left the table and what im saying here is that i know adrien has presumably been learning about culture stuff, but i also know firsthand that creators really love to shove bowing into media whenever asian people show up. (that waiter did give us extra mints, so i guess that was nice.)

sarcasm alert: i love when ~asian~ people have ~asian~ accents. its not like this is a tired gimmick that i dont need to see literally everywhere i turn (oh, wait! according to the english version, it is! hooray for me! this is probably the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me ever! im not being sarcastic at all! or overly sarcastic to the point where im sarcastically putting in that everything ive written in this paragraph is sarcastic because im just so mad! or maybe it definitely is! it probably is all sarcasm!) [bonus sarcasm here]

the chefs english/default dub language fluency was either inconsistent or this was just a straight-up rude portrayal of a nonnative speaker of a language, because adrien didnt seem to wait five seconds (for the chef to even consider the question about what he was cooking) before talking to the chef (and naturally, being a polite person, the chef listened to what adrien was saying), and i feel like it was only for the sake of adrien being ~useful~ because right after that, he talks to the chef in english/whatever language? dont think i didnt notice that his english speaking got “better” after becoming a villain. you know, if they hadnt faked the accent in the first place, they wouldnt have had to hastily cover for the fact that their voice actor couldnt even execute it well.

im sure adrien and marinette tag-teaming to argue with chloe and her racist comments was supposed to be this whole “wow look at that team” deal, but it felt like adrien was shoehorned into this mess sloppily. woohoo for the white boy defending marinette because she cant do it herself or something! i do appreciate when white people help stand up for me, but in this context, it feels off.

i have such a big problem with the “pep talk” adrien gives marinette when she thinks the chef doesnt like her. first thing, white boy explaining things about a person of color to a person of color, and the two people are actually literally related? i think the bouquet misunderstanding was really bizarre, and when did adrien have time to gain all this extensive exposition? the interview when they first arrived was short, and i dont think that both adrien and the chef would be so rude as to exclude marinette from their conversation in the car on the way over. this just comes off as a way to have adrien ~encouraging~ marinette, and its not a very good one.

this supposedly super prestigious competition literally has no security to make sure no one is mucking around behind the scenes, let alone ensure that the contestants arent up to any funny business. because why not. and no cameras around either, because cooking-based television programs never show any cooking, just the tasting and subsequent subjugation by a villain (this is a sarcastic sentence). even if this is supposed to be a featured dish and thus one they dont want to showcase the recipe behind, they could still have those little soundbites interspersed with candid panorama shots (can you tell i have no idea what any of these words mean?). im just going to have to chalk this one up to animation budget and move on.

i know this was just a sort of (intendedly funny) visual thing, but i highly doubt that the objects chloe put in the soup could just go unnoticed, especially since i presume a chef would thoroughly stir (and taste) their cooking, and the soup didnt appear to have properties of decomposing things touching it. otherwise that tasting session would probably have turned out a little messier (i am completely kidding here).

why is the chef being upset about being sabotaged made into a ~cultural~ thing? why is a white boy telling marinette about her ~own~ culture? sheesh, its like you cant just be upset because your shot at a world title was ruined on live television and you have confirmation that you were deliberately sabotaged. yes, chloe did it because shes petty and racist, but the results of her actions could upset anyone! its not just because the chef is chinese! what is the point of saying that? its a pointless throwaway comment! why dont you just find some other way to get the chef alone so he can be become a villain that isnt a) nonsensical and b) making sweeping generalizations about people? (granted, i cant speak to the validity of anything said about cultures, but i sure can comment on why saying such things about them isnt okay regardless).

“kung food” oh my god. this is such a piece of crap name. it is racist. you can literally try to argue against this until youve gone far beyond oxygen deprivation and in a grave but itll still be racist by the time youre done. aside from the pharaoh, there arent a bunch of ~ethnic~ names (not that it would be okay for that to be the case anyway) running around, and yet we get one with this specific villain whose ethnic and national origin is talked to death? okay.

and ive seen this pointed out, but the villain appearance seems to have a kind of anime-inspired design, which is honestly a good laugh because who was just talking about not conflating china and japan again? weeaboos and sinaboos are often in the same boat.

okay, not related, but adrien just had to taste a suspicious substance off the floor. why. there are so many ways to figure out what a substance is before putting it in your mouth. or you could just not do that at all. before this point, they did not appear to suspect a food-related villain, so this couldve ended badly.

another side note: i dont know how that receipt retained its integrity long enough for ladybug to wrap the villain up after dipping it in the soup. do the magical items just have super special properties like extra toughness that allows them to defy the reality of paper receipts? i wonder how many of the things ive talked about in this post have been me marveling at the sturdiness of lucky charm items.

of course this turns into an ~accountability~ lesson for marinette. and chloe doesnt get reprimanded? yeah, she got booted off a panel she didnt even want to be on and no one actually clearly articulated to her that the things she said were absolutely unacceptable? then again, this is a “diversity episode,” so i dont know why my standards are so high.

wow, marinette really needed to have adrien encourage her before going to take a picture with her great-uncle? im going to be generous and allow that she wanted to make sure he would be okay with her ditching him for her much cooler great-uncle because she didnt want him to feel bad about how not-cool he is in comparison. there, you see what i mean about making up story elements? (though im really not much of a writer, oops.)

im so over people making fun of how others dress as a joke. before i realized that i am autistic and reflected back on my life, i didnt realize that i gravitate toward clothing i find comfortable rather than fashionable, and ive always gotten negative comments, ill-intended or otherwise. so i really didnt appreciate marinettes jab at chloe, even if it was to defend herself. it was just unnecessary.

i want to talk about the whole ~chinese representation~ thing in this show. yeah, i know marinette is one of the very few chinese and mixed main characters out there (and there are barely any that are both), but im going to be super honest about this: i dont think shes all that great. i am a big fan of her and this show, but that doesnt make it infallible. the fact that adrien of all people is telling her about her own culture is a huge failing in itself. i dont know everything about my own cultures, but its not cool to have a literal outsider being shown to be the expert on someones culture and be the one to guide them through that. theres barely any portrayal of sino stuff in the show as is, and i hate the way this is only shown as a kind of special episode topic. i would be way more fine with this if this wasnt basically the sole instance of discussion of marinettes heritage. and no, the fact that her mother wears stereotypical clothing doesnt count. at all.

okay, this has been a huge issue for me before and after this point, but it was in this episode that it was made abundantly clear just what we are dealing with. i know that it is completely possible, genetically speaking, for a mixed chinese and white person to have blue eyes. its also completely possible for a chinese person to have gray eyes even without being mixed (i say this because i dont know if her mother is monoracial). however, if you only have two confirmed recurring characters of chinese descent, and their eye colors are ~special~ colors...well, thats kind of iffy there. why is it that the minor chinese character has stereotypical eyes? theyre basically just expanded pupils for all intents and purposes, which is not the problem, because its possible to have irises that are so dark as to make figuring out whether they have a distinguishable brown tint to them really hard. anyway, i suppose i dont want to talk about things ahead in the season, but why is it that the background asian characters get the stereotypical eyes but the main characters who are asian get the special eye colors? (that was a rhetorical question. i know exactly why.)

im pretty that at some point in the creation of this villain name, someone patted themself on the back for being so ~clever~ like “haha kung food geddit? its like kung fu but with food because im actually not that creative and more racist than i would like to openly admit.” okay, i know im being a bit harsh. but its really annoying when one of the few things people “know” about sino people is that kung fu exists. and honestly, i kind of suspected this, but ive seen other people say that the villain more resembles a villain from anime, so...thats kind of disrespectful there...

the/le gamer

i really disliked marinettes combo move names. they all had ~asian~ words like lotus, jade, oriental, etc.

animan

i find the sniffing scene to be kind of creepy. personal space much?

the city has really high quality buses. i cant believe the bus didnt end up backfiring on their plan because if i know anything about buses its that the ones ive seen are probably way older and more decrepit than me.

antibug

how do the earrings work in this setting? as far as i can tell, it would make sense for chloe to have pierced ears and a pair of ladybug imitation earrings that she could put it, but how is it possible that ladybug was able to just pull the earrings off? because that could be a really, really messy situation if they are actually piercings with backings and everything, but is there an explanation for this? magnets, clips, anything?

the puppeteer/le marionnettiste

can that glowing bright red effect that comes from her yo-yo and the power cord being swung around just for the viewers, or can it actually be seen in-universe? or is that a null point because both items are generated by ladybugs magic?

reflekta

this show really didnt need any “haha look a ~guy~ in a dress” jokes. and honestly, this was ill handled (though arguably, its very existence was ill handled). first of all, im not the best judge of this kind of thing, but to me, ladybug felt out of character while mocking chat noir? honestly, marinette doesnt strike me as the type of person to find that kind of situation funny in the first place, so the premise doesnt really hold up in my opinion. i know marinette can make mistakes, but youd really think she would be more open to not thinking this way because she knows what its like to be bullied for other things. moving on... [though, to reiterate]

the way this was not addressed? at all? yeah, ladybug apologized for that one comment at the beginning of their conversation, but then she continued to make jokes at chat noirs expense, and it just wasnt as funny as it was probably intended to be?

i know the whole thing about ambiguous chronology, but there is no reason ladybug wouldnt take chat noirs opinion into account when planning for things anyway. it felt like that part was written specifically so he could “prove” his worth to the rest of the episode and ensure that, yes, he is still allowed to be in it after being turned into a reflekta lookalike, and the whole thing smacks of trying to write out of a corner...that was written into in the first place. if it hadnt gone the route it did with the mocking of appearances, i dont think it would have had to be as convoluted as it ended up being.

i personally dont care for high heels, but i dont get the kind of “fashion cracks” that were being made about them. like yes, high heels can be hard to move in? yeah, it isnt fun being turned into the appearance of someone who isnt you against your will? i just dont understand this gag.

guitar villain

did ladybug really honestly just full-on spray someone in the face with the contents of an aerosol can? im aware that the point was that the hair was in front of his face, but what if some had gotten into guitar villains eyes? dang, what if someone tries to emulate this in real life? ouch.

digital/numeric

kind of done with the spotlight on stalking behavior this show has.

marinette still shows no fear of suspicious screens. she continues to use parts of her face to touch one multiple times, never mind that she literally flings her yoyo all over the place.

stoneheart/coeur de pierre i

did marinette have pierced ears in the first place? shes not shown taking any earrings out, and we dont get that clear a view of her earlobes anyway. that might be deliberate for modeling budget and all.

master fu has brown eyes. so thats like four ~chinese~ characters that are in this show, and the main character and her mother have the special eye colors, and the minor character who is somewhat important to the plotline has non-black eyes, and the minor one-episode character has the black eyes. what a shining example of diversity (no).

anyway this is a good point to say that some things are just not for you. there are things that you just cant be a part of no matter how much you want to be because it just doesnt work that way. and the mess that is the miraculous “mythology” is definitely an example of this. i myself have very little knowledge of anything sino, but i sure as heck can spot that this...”history” thing is so off.

at this point i should probably mention i really dislike master fu as a character in general. just as a single point, apparently hes based off the teacher character in karate kid? i saw somewhere that the creator said he basically made marinette mixed because he was dating an asian person when he was thinking about the show and that marinette is basically his idea of their mixed kid? and back to the eye color thing (again), ive even seen someone with green eyes and blue hair suggest to him that they could be the child of marinette and adrien, and he said theyre like his grandchild? (im not really inclined to try to dig up an iron-clad, indisputably genuine source for this right now, but if youre honestly searching for completely serious, well-researched information in a really good quality post, this is not the post you are looking for.) i have no idea where i was even going with this paragraph.

stoneheart/coeur de pierre ii

why is marinette so invested in her crush on adrien? this couldve been a sweet crush, but no, she has to make it so creepy? leading up to this episode, i really didnt know what to expect because i really thought there would be some sort of explanation for just how extreme the lengths marinette goes to are, but from what i can tell, shes just being super invasive? the ambiguous timeline doesnt really help with this, nor does the fact that the origins episodes were aired at the end of the season. whatever characterization was supposed to be inferred from this feels choppy and unnecessary.

simon says/jackady/jacques a dit

i dont really blame her, but ladybug totally could have reduced the level of adrien distractedness going on here. shes previously shown signs of compartmentalizing ladybug and even having to face the fact that it isnt worth using up her power over adrien, but gosh golly, what gives?

princess/princesse fragrance

ive seen criticisms of how ladybug was written to be overly competent in this episode, which i think is fair since it keeps happening, and its so late in the season by this point that its gotten tired.

volpina

i try not to be too judgmental, but frankly, adrien is not that great of a prize.

anyway, from what i can tell about this episode, i think that there was too much on marinettes flaws, which i really think is a bit much to have in the last chronological episode of a season. its already been established that she makes mistakes with her decisions, but i just thought her unequal prioritization of adrien was too much. it just seemed contrived to squeeze in scenes that the creators wanted to animate regardless of overall context in the show, which is really unfortunate because of how the show becomes a little less chronologically ambiguous at this point.

#lt #kung food #this is a 'kung food' hate blog #wall of text #really long post with low readability #racism text mention (a lot of it)#transmisogyny text mention

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