#but it's not even the feeling it back that's the issue! it's just talking w people idk why my brain just flatlines over it but it's so bad

[dante-mightdie]

just a thought that i thought of after reading the angst fics 😖:

Pretend the guy who took her home was some rando she became close with at the bar, and that she told him about all her troubles and issues that she encountered with 141 recently. He comforted her and then they drank together yadayadayada he takes her home, the boys tuck her in despite them being mad, the cute “princess” moment, then morning.

When morning comes, they all talk it out, only catch is that now they’re back at square one when getting Reader to open up, and get intimate. Let alone even hug them.

Another catch is that they seemed more comfortable with literally anyone else BUT them. They all went out? Reader brings the guy friend to come along, then falls asleep on his shoulder accidentally, even though Gaz offered his shoulder first instead. They all are gonna cuddle and sleep in the same bed together and want Reader to join in? Reader opts for a plushed animal (The big plushies— Like a giant bear or shark) instead. It was like getting Ghost to let down his walls, just a little harder since instead of short answer “no’s” and grunts, they’d feel like they’re bullying Reader even though all they asked was want they want for breakfast.

Ex: *They all are talking, then Price turns to Reader* “Where do you wanna go out tonight, sweets?”

Reader: *literally sweating and looking at every other place thats not any of them, fiddling with their fingers as they mutter out a soft,* “Dunno.”

here’s a lil something something i’ve been thinking about

c/w: reader has trust issues, boys attempt to make amends, not a happy ending really but still more to come, panic, anxiety

it had been a stressful few weeks for you after that night at the bar

when the morning came, you woke up to find yourself in the centre of their bed. sheets all tangled with up in the knot of limbs made up by you and your lovers. heavy arms slung over your waist and sleeping faces smushed into the side of your neck

this may have been the norm for you a few weeks ago but with recent events, this makes you feel trapped. especially since you can’t recall the events of the previous night. your brain had switched off after your fourth daiquiri

you must have gotten hammered and crawled into the bed after hours, you think to yourself. must have gotten so lonely and desperate that you crawled into their bed. you have to get up and leave before they find you

you carefully pull their arms from you, untangling your legs with a painfully slow pace. no risky movements. when you think you’re just about to make it, you feel a strong arm snaking its way back around your waist and pulling you straight back into the flesh pile

“where’re you goin’, darlin’?” price grumbles in your ear, his prickly bread tickling your skin when he pushes his face back into the side of your neck. your eyes widen at the situation you’ve found yourself in

price perks up a bit, lifting his head when he feels you push at this arm wrapped around you like you want it off. he lifts his arm slightly for you. you twist and turn to get out of his grip, scrambling to your feet and watching him with a nervous expression

“woah, calm down. please don’t act like i’m going to hurt you, you know I’d never do that.” price says with a soft tone, hands out in surrender as you step away from the bed. he frowns at your skittery nature

“what happened last night? why am I in your room?” you ask, wrapping your arms around you for comfort. your hands feel soft cotton rather than the black silk you wore the night before and you look down to see one of soaps old band t-shirts, “did I put this on?”

the boys begin to stir awake at the sound of hushed voices. soft groans and joints clicking filling the room but you don’t take your eyes off of john’s. he seems sad, like you’ve just subtly devastated him

“you came home in a bit of a state so we bought you to bed. why’d you look so nervous, honey?” john coos, the rest of the boys are fully awake now, sat up and watching this scene unfold in front of them

feeling all those sets of eyes on you makes you close up, looking down at the floor and not saying a word. like you’re trying to make yourself small, hard to see and perceive

john climbs out of bed next, placing a gentle hand on the top of your head. “let’s go get something to eat, yeah? we all have a lot to talk about today.”

all you can do is stand rigid and stare at them with shock splattered on your face as they all climb out of bed, walk over to you and plant a kiss on your forehead before following john downstairs

you stare at the empty doorway for a few minutes before creeping downstairs, brow furrowed the whole time as you watch them move around in the kitchen. john grips your tense shoulders and nudges you into a seat before placing a cup of steaming hot coffee in front of you

johnny and kyle are setting the table, smiling at you and asking how you slept. playfully scolding you for drinking too much before popping a few painkillers in front of you. you feel like you’ve been placed in the middle of a tv sketch. like at any moment someone with a camera is gonna run out and tell you that you’re being punked

“how was your night out, darling? we see you made a new friend.” john gives you his classic close lipped smile, the one you used to tell him made him look like a quokka. you jerk away when you feel simon walk over, ruffle your hair and place a bowl of cut up fruit in front of you wordlessly

“uh… it was… fine.” you mumble, staring down at the ceramic bowl. kyle connects his phone to the speaker, letting the kitchen become filled with morning news reports and music as they cook breakfast. you barely touch the food they put in front of you, your paranoid brain telling you that something bad was about to happen

they fill the tables with plates full of food, all the fixings for me a full-english and more. fruit and pastries, jugs of freshly squeezed juice, courtesy of kyle and that ridiculously expensive juicer that he asked john to buy him. they start helping themselves to the food, piling their plates high whilst you just sit there anxiously, hands kept firmly in your lap

your coffee has since gone cold, only taking one sip to help you wash down the painkillers. you can’t take it anymore. you don’t like how normal they’re acting, as if they haven’t spent the past few weeks putting you through hell at home,

“need to do the food shop today. why don’t you come with me, princess? we’ll pick up some lunch and sit in the garden. the weather is-“ john begins talking but you just cut him off

“what the actual fuck are you talking about, john?” you blurt out, hand coming up to silence him. everyone stops eating and turns to look at you. “have you lost the plot? why are you acting like everything is just normal?”

“I ken it’s been a difficult few weeks for ye, hen but we just want-“ johnny begins to speak, a frown tugging at his lips as he reaches his hand across the table to grab yours. you snatch it away, looking at him like he was insane

“I don’t give a fuck what you want!” you scoff, snatching your hand away before he can touch you, “I don’t know what joke you lot are playing on me but it’s not funny. I can’t- I don’t- just fucking stop, okay!?”

you struggled to find your words for a moment before bursting out, your lip wobbling and eyes welling up before you stand from the table abruptly. you turn on your feet and storm upstairs, going straight to your room and slamming the door

the second the it’s closed you slide down the wooden door, tears falling from your eyes as you bury your face in your hand. meanwhile, downstairs the kitchen is silent. cutlery placed firmly on the table, untouched as all the boys comprehend the situation they’re in

“we fucked up.”

#mw2 #cod mw2 #simon ghost riley #simon riley x reader #simon riley #ghost #ghost x reader #captain john price #john price x reader #john price #kyle gaz garrick x reader #kyle garrick x reader #kyle gaz garrick #kyle garrick #john soap mctavish x reader #soap mactavish #soap #soap mactavish x reader #soap x reader #soap call of duty #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost simon riley #john mactavish x reader

[paper-cuts-and-fresh-bruises]

So I thought I'd make a post on this as it's been a minute since the season 3 trailer dropped and what I'll be talking about was something that was making the rounds and I thought I'd say something when the craze had died down; but amongst the various topics of conversation, weirdly Colin's virginity seems to have come up, along with the general nature of his sexual experience. So be warned I'm going to be referring to spoilers at points from what's been posted by others on here and on Reddit, I'll leave a gap between this paragraph and the next so there you go, read at your own discretion. (note: post may be long, whoops)

So even if you've remained away from spoilers and seen only the trailer and other official promo stuff, it's clear that Colin has returned from his travel's more experienced this time in more ways than one, namely it is clear that he has been deflowered (kind of hate this term but I couldn't think of something else), and beyond that he's then also become particularly experienced in the bedroom and in the ways of charming women and such. I've seen some people say that they wished he'd still been a virgin more so because they would've found the dynamic of both him and Penelope being virgins something interesting to see as a shift from dynamics of previous seasons, and whilst I don't necessarily hate that, what's disturbed me is the way other people have had such a visceral reaction to Colin having any involvement with any other woman ever and getting ridiculously angry; which is funny when really they should be seen as interesting points of character development. In episode 1 of season 3 he returns home obviously looking as he does now and there's the whole sequence of the dropped glove that he picks up and kisses the hand of the lady in question it belongs to, Colin has returned feeling he has a solid sense of himself but also thinks himself untethered to the necessity of connection in order to engage in sex or even just flirtation, but this is important as the season progresses. In episode 2 from what I've read, he visits a brothel in which he pays for the services of a woman who works there, everything goes fine, I don't know exactly how much we will see of that encounter but it'll probably be enough; also to note, the source of this information stated very clearly that this interaction and a following one in episode 4 do not bear significance or even compare on what we will get with Polin in terms of an array of content that this season delivers.

Speaking of episode 4, reportedly he goes again but this time he's unable to engage as well as he did before and without a doubt this is due to Penelope. Additionally, this is an interesting look at sex in terms of it just being for gratification, and sex in terms of connection, a means to an end versus an act of love. In previous seasons, the depiction of brothels/sex work establishments doesn't really bear the same importance plot wise (side note I am not nor should you go shaming these people in that line of work as it's one that deserved respect like any other, it is simply functioning as a part of the conversation here), unlike here where I think that it's really important as it show's Colin's inner need for connection in order for it to work, because when he was away he probably had no issues getting his kicks because he convinced himself this felt right and back home would be no different, but that only lasts briefly and why you may ask? because the friend who he'd left and returned to transforms from a woman only in name to a woman in fully realised form, from a wallflower into an Emerald, and this kicks into gear the real maturity he needed to gain, realising from not just her appearance but the other qualities she possesses and the ways in which he is both attached and attracted to her, that she is who he has truly loved this whole time, he just needed to get out of his own head. It should also be pointed out that in the show, Colin has always drifted with finding himself let alone sorting out his feelings, so it is highly likely whilst he was technically violating polite society rules with his interactions with Penelope and this should've fired something off in his brain, that it caused him instead to think this is simply something that someone does with a friend they value highly versus being a by-product of his underlying feelings that he has with no one else. And as such, whereas Penelope was the one pining before, now he will be the one doing so and he's no longer on the pedestal he was previously so they'll be on even ground to start something real.

On a quick note, this is a friends to lovers ship but I want to make it clear, especially with men and women dynamics, that not all friends are going to have this trajectory whether we're talking about characters or irl people; friends to lovers tropes should be understood as two people who's connection starts with friendship and there's always a sense it could be something more whether or not both parties are consciously aware and it's to do with how they explore that, and is NOT in any way the case that these friends can somehow never be just friends with a strong connection, case and point Penelope and Morgan from Criminal Minds, close friends and nothing more and they're great.

Something also to say is that the obsession with Colin's sexual experience is just as bad as they way women are treated for their sexual experience, it creates this weird value and attributes a weird rating system of respect to something that's not our business, as well as fetishizing what people do or don't do with their bodies and making assumptions about their activities, so you know maybe we should agree to not do that. Beyond that, how about we actually watch what happens instead of spiralling out of control about this stuff. Also, if I see anyone who aren't fans of this ship to begin with, just leave, you're wasting energy on something that you literally don't need to be, do what the rest of us do and exit out and invest your time in what you actually enjoy instead of festering hate.

#bridgerton #bridgerton spoilers #polin #penelope x colin #colin x penelope

[silenthillbunni]

lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it

#idk it's just all too much to deal w #i have sm pains and physical discomforts. money issues. stress bc my avpd is making school very hard for me to finish #i have suicidal thoughts and really bad anxiety every single day. i've basically begged the mental health care system for help for 7 months #like i've kept contacting them and asking them but they havent done anything at all for me. i dont even get to see anyone and talk #i just dont know what to do or how to handle it #im so stressed abt the future. i have to finish school but then choose smth so i can go to school/get a degree & get a job #im holding my mom down and back and i need to find a way to kove out from her and support myself #i have no friends to meet or hangout with and destress with etc etc and im really feeling the lack of it #idk the list just goes on and on and on #nothing is working and idk how to fix it. but also i know that me and only me have to find a way bc there is no help #i struggle bc of my avpd and mental health but there is no treatment for me to get. they just dont wanna give me *any* help at all #im just so frustrated. and every day is the same. everyday is full of some physical pain anxiety stress worries suicidal thoughts etc etc #i cant break free idk how!!!! my life is so fkn boring and pathetic and miserable #i never get to relax bc all of a sudden last year i got extremely noise sensitive. and it's never quiet anywhere in this city #anyway yeah i could just keep going. and like now im feeling anxious bc my tooth is aching :(( #it -everything- never stops or lets up or relents. and it makes me wanna die even more. #so... idk im just incapable of being hopeful abt anything and that's really killing me idk

[minamotoz]

riley asking shawn, "when you looks at me, does it remind you of what you can't have?" was a crazy ass moment because yes the line was about shawns intimacy issues and his inability to commit to a longterm relationship, but holy shit if that isn't the most blatant way you could confirm that shawn was in love with cory and the existence of riley was just a constant reminder that he had missed his chance and could never be with cory. what if i went insane

#boy meets world #shory #shawn x cory #i havent finished GMW because even though i like the dynamic between the kids everything abt the shaty ship tease makes me want to *** #it took me like 5 hours to get thru girl meets hurricane because i couldnt deal w the horrible way they dealt w angela #who even though i dont talk abt much is in my top 3 for BMW characters #but this one line from that one episode drove me mad like. did i die ? am i dead? #it actually took me until the end of the episode to realize what that line was supposed to mean #bc it read so explicitly to me as a confirmation of shawns feelings for cory #not to mention his ass literally LEFT THE CITY and never came back after riley was born #ignoring the continuity issues that crop up w this . its giving shawns wedding breakdown 2.0 lets discuss #i think that the take of 'shory is entirely one sided and shawns feelings for cory are unrequited' #is pretty surface level and it doesnt add up much if u take a deeper look into corys character #but GMW definitely leans into this take #what with shawn desperately trying to mirror corpanga in all of his romantic relationships (to run away from his feelings for cory) #like ​is it really in shawns character to marry a woman hes barely known a year ? #or is he just trying to mirror cory and topanga who basically rushed into marriage the second they. were legally able to #i'll let u be the judge #am i making sense idk im tired n i havent watched sn episode of GMW in months

[dumb-doll-lips]

I don’t know enough people to ask, but if you’re a woman maybe around early to mid 30s, how often do you talk to your mom? Like idk what range of answers even make sense for a survey, surveys feel more fun. I’m sick of feeling like such a bad guy bc i don’t want to talk everyday and would like more space.

#my mom said she was about to drop by my place unannounced bc I didn’t answer her calls until later and I texted her back the day before #but she was worried something happened to me #I just got major guilt tripped about not talking to her much and I’ve been on phone calls w her the past two days #I do also think it’s a bit of a gendered issue when looking at it #that’s why I said women #but maybe I’m wrong #just every guy I’ve been closer w usually has an issue w how involved my mom tries to be #so feels like their experiences have been a lot different than mine #I also made the maube mistake of telling her I’m dating some a little while ago #it’s not something I like want to talk about much w her ever #but she was so busy worrying I’m depressed and not doing anything #but now I get so many questions there #and she’s worrying I think even more #ughhh

[toastsnaffler]

okay can we have a new rule that if you're my friend and know I struggle with rsd from adhd + you're planning on hanging out with mutual friends but specifically aren't inviting me for whatever reason. Maybe Don't Tell Me About It

#id just rather not know man. even if I cant go or dont particularly want to im going to get stung by it and it rly sucks #its a TON of extra effort i have to put in to emotionally navigate that information without overreacting and making it an issue #wait actually maybe i do need to sit down with her and explain this more explicitly. bc she probably doesnt rly know abt it #even tho ive mentioned it shes rly terrible at reading ppl and i probably dont let on much abt it anyway bc im used to dealing w it #ugh. but also its rly embarrassing to talk abt and ill have to tread so carefully to make sure it doesnt get misinterpreted. hmm #but itd be worth it if she stopped so. ill give it some thought #it makes me feel so unreal sometimes bc i cant always tell if im justifiably upset or if im 'just overreacting' so i assume the latter- #most of the time to give myself space to work thru the emotion and minimise the damage i might cause if i AM just overreacting #but then sometimes later on i realise that it was justified but its too late to bring it back up and anyway ive worked through it #and idk. theres smth self disrespectful abt it all im tired of making space all the time and never taking any up myself #im not THAT upset rn like this is a v minor thing but still. might be time to start nipping this stuff in the bud #aaanyway #im procrastinating eating bc i cooked a nice meal but now im not in the mood to eat it 😭😭 but i gotta fuel up..... #ill find smth to watch hopefully thatll do the trick #yawns so loud bye for now #.diaries

[woahajimes]

i feel so out of place

#im not #aaa #i cant balance school and a job #and my grades arent even phenomenal #and i have a gym membership and i rarely go but grad is soon and im not gonna be skinny and oh #yk what baffles me #listen when i got to ecuador july 5 i was like 115lb #up until like aug 15 i was 120ish and then all of a sudden i was 130lb?? which was insane to me #like i couldnt believe my eyes i was just like. listen if it were gradual id believe it but 10 in 10 days is that normal #anyways i only saw it once and i wanted to kms #we're back in canada and im back at 117ish but #i think i legitimately misread #or like idk the scale was wrong #but aughhh i felt so good in ecuador and here i feel like a loser like all the girls are so #listen i am not a loser by any means but ohhh the voices #also i have terrible anxiety like i need to investigate this #also anxiety levels are a lot higher in the US/CAN than other countries #like i went to ecuador and theres a lot less mental health issues but oh the men are polars #like theres a lot to work on yk esp w men like not the dynamics ive talked abt that before but i mean like the wya they view women even sub #like i was thinking abt my ex and how he'd constantly complain to me about this girl on the girls scocer team that was a 'whore' and #supremely 'slutty' and hed use all these horrible terms #like okay maybe shes flirty and sleeps around as you say but why would you speak of a woman like that #like it scared me a little bc hed be like genuinely angry too #so yeah #where was i #oh yeah i need to like get skinny #short torso wide ribcage ... #like bffr. pick one #at least i got a fat ass idgaf #its also 3am i feel terrible. ive been sleeping really good tho

[jinxy]

dying

I absolutely pulled something in my shoulder but. I was finally able to order refills on all of my meds and I had just enough money to scrape by and get some food I can actually eat. at the same time my mom keeps delaying important paperwork we have to joint file and it’s pissing me offffffff

#dis.txt #I neeeeeed to make more money but getting a job rn would be impossible w/ how much I have to unpack #and how fucking impossible it is to wrangle her into reasonable goals like. no you are not getting an engineering degree/career at 65+ #WITH a TBI and memory issues to boot. i’m not even being mean i just know the field she keeps talking abt and that’s nooooot safe 4 it #also she can’t have a constant sleep schedual or stop drinking to save her fucking life and i’m like. damn that’s why i was a shithead teen #I feel like a broken record but. this is so hard to go through and do mostly alone #i can feel myself isolating a bit more again b/c i don’t want to be annoying just b/c i’m in pain #but like. damn it’s so wild my ex knew this was the situation i’d get thrown back into. and still did That. to be polite What The Fuck Man

[supercantaloupe]

i actually had a dr's appt this morning (regular checkup) and. man do you know how relieving it is to hear her say "weight's not important, just as long as you're active" when asked if i exercise

#sasha speaks #i wanna talk about me #like i've been going to this practice for like. three ish years now cause it was around then i was diagnosed w my Issues #and needed a specialist to help keep track of everything #and i've seen both the head doc and the NP interchangeably a few times #but recently they've started scheduling me with one of their other docs #and wow she's so nice. i really like her #i don't feel pressured to diet or be referred to a nutritionist by her #she recommended we back down on the dosage for my meds to avoid side effects even though the full dose is supposedly what i need #because she was like. your comfort and ability to perform day to day tasks is what's most important #and if the full dose is bothering you then we need to adjust that #it's so nice actually to have a doctor whose primary concern is my comfort even without me having to say/ask for that first #rather than just like. 'go on a diet' 'exercise more' 'we're increasing your meds and seeing if you tolerate it' #anyway. regular biannual blood test time. let's hope i don't sprain my fucking ankle again this time like last

[cherrysnax]

@ anon sorry I accidentally deleted ur ask!! to answer ur question though, I think it’s a bad idea because.. i fear rejection i guess and I suppose what I fear more is the opposite

#i have an issue where despite wanting to feel close to people I kinda hold everyone but like two people at arms length #I care a lot about people. even the people I don’t talk to anymore or like ppl I regard as like acquaintances #it’s easier to care from a distance. less of a sit back and watch thing more of a #aw I see a post on Instagram im so glad ur doing well I’m gonna mentally send good vibes and go about my day #it’s #it’s easier being a ghost I suppose #idk whenever I try a restart a friendship it never works #you can’t just rebuild connections #or at least I can’t #maybe im too different or maybe I’m too similar #also whenever I hype myself up to do something I’m afraid of doing it backfires spectacularly. so no actions means no expectations means no #consequences! and I know that makes me a bad person but consider that it’s for everyone’s best interests #this is probably just a weird phase of nostalgia anyway #and you should never reach out simply for nostalgias sake. you will have unrealistic expectations for urself and other ppl ^_^ #im content w my mostly happy memories ^_^ #should I tag this as #asks #nonnie #? in spirit I guess #I think I have like. one mutual from that time but I’ve changed my name like 60 times bro prolly don’t even recognize me which is for the #best #now… what am I gonna draw today #i guess im also afraid of what it means that I could’ve had more friends if I didn’t uhhh split or assume #that no one liked me in the first place #it already happened w a dear friend and I can never fix it so #why try

[raskies456]

*pokemon spoilers*

anyway I’d die for Nacli

the name is so good too

#456 words #regardless I’m still very much in the camp of waiting to see if it’s actually worth my money and time #i was not personally a fan of swsh esp given the fact that it was more money for less game (which felt unfinished) #and that on top of that they added DLC #which I did not buy #bc I was not gonna spend more money on stuff I felt should already have been there #if you are excited that is awesome I don’t want to rain on anyones parade #there’s a lot of cool stuff #I just am a pessimist and can’t help feeling that the cool stuff will be ultimately wasted bc everything is rushed #I don’t particularly care about graphics quality itself but that combined w the release schedule combined w past games makes me concerned #also I’m purely talking about a gameplay perspective this totally disregards the whole issue of crunch and rush on game designers #but even if it wasn’t an issue in terms of labor I just personally don’t mind waiting for a game #would rather wait and have one lovingly crafted game then get a bunch of rushed ones #speaking of which I still need to get back into playing botw when I can #now that’s a switch game worth my money and time and it’s so much content

[clericlost]

lately i’ve been feeling so much like. cheering clapping applause to be here with y’all but all the enthusiasm is stuck in a snowglobe that i can’t figure out how to break cause it’s made of fear pain agony because social anxiety every time i log on :/

#out. #negative // #it sucks to experience but honestly it sucks more than like. i know people are here to have fun and often write better when #they can actually get along w their writing partner? #and i hate that this Thing is just in the way of me and everyone else but idk how to get rid of it #it's just Paralyzing like i just get stuck and it feels impossible to shake myself out of it #and then i feel anxious about THAT lmao so. wondering if i need to just throw the towel in instead of doing this to my partners jdskfs #like i logically know it's not That big of a deal but i also know it can feel so discouraging to be excited abt smth and not feel it back #but it's not even the feeling it back that's the issue! it's just talking w people idk why my brain just flatlines over it but it's so bad #lately. when i'm in a good headspace i'm the exact same way and LOVE when i can iron down my interactions to ppl i just Enjoy being around #but when i'm in a bad headspace it's so hard to do anything other that hide in ic replies indefinteily #even with people i'm so so comfortable with cause it is very much a state of being that stems from Me not anyone else #idk. i just feel shitty for ghosting but then i feel too shitty to fix it :/ #wish i could psychically link w all of you so u could know how happy i am to write with you #idk why it's so hard to translate ooc one on one #idk why it's like there's an actual physical wall in my brain stopping me most of the time #social anxiety fucking sucks i guess lol #yeah....... killing it w my mind #i know it's probably just made worse by my recent caffiene addiction but it'll probably be a while before i can kick that shit so #idk if i should quit while i'm barely ahead or just. try to be okay with ic replies #but i Hate that cause it feels like such bad rp etiquette like. i don't wanna rp like that lol #but idk how else to while i'm like this :/ #which probably means i should take a break!! but i selfishly don't wanna lose more writing partners than i already have but then #i guess either way i might lose some people but at least if i took a break it'd feel like less shitty of a reason #ugh...... #too much to think about on a sunday afternoon

[daffodiline]

is it okay if ur therapist has just some red flags... like how long can u ignore those red flags if they're not that bad.. asking for a friend

#we have a nice relationship like she's been with me through a lot and i've really grown she's really helped so so much #and i want to start therapy again but idk sth about her is holding me back but also idk how to find a new therapist #like first there are so many different types of therapy and so many therapists how do i know which ones are actually good and legit #so why not just stick with the one that has worked so far even if there are some red flags? #but like... what if i just throw my money away bc i can't actually be present in the process bc those things bother me too much? #i don't have the energy to find a new therapist so maybe i should just ignore it #sometimes she can be a bit patronising and make me feel like a child way way too much #and new therapy is based very much on the body and mindfulness and whatever you're feeling #which is good... but maybe i should try cbt and work from that angle?? #also she did say some weird things about my sexuality but from then on i just never talk to her about it bc i don't have any issues w it #maybe i should just talk to her about all of my concerns and if i don't feel better and more sure after our conversation i'll try to find #someone new #but yeah i need to stop ignoring my problems and start therapy again i want to stop feeling like this all the time #diary #to delete

[nightingalesighs]

.

#love how my mother manages to insert herself into my issues w my father #when in reality my father doesn’t talk about her except to ask me how she is #and the only way my feelings about her fit into my relationship w him is resentment and anger AT him bc he knew what she was like and #left me w her anyway #(which the situation is SO MUCH more nuanced than that but yknow bb!nightingale is hurt and desperately wants someone to acknowledge the #the terrible shit she went through and rn i am that person and I AM angry about it bc she deserved better) #BUT BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POINT #it’s just so #idk like it’s one of the few objective ways i KNOW and can see how shes doing this and know shes wrong bc for once i actually trust my #perception #and its MINDBLOWING guys. she couldn’t be more tangential to this scenario and relationship and yet while discussing it she still manages to #make it about her #which shouldnt surprise me. this is my life rn. i cant even talk about my own health wo her making the conversation abt her #it’s just WILD #anyway #hellsite therapy

[irlusa]

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#ill delete this later but oof yall #you know its getting bad when instead of moving the pile from the bed to the floor back to the bed and so forth #you just sleep w the shit in your bed #i didnt even get undressed last night orz #tho part of its not the mental illness part of its literally fatigue and sleepiness issues i need to get checked out #its been making it really hard to keep up w schoolwork bc #no matter how much i sleep i feel like passing out at like 5 or 6pm #like my eyes are closing not just tiny nap tiredness like im bout to pass out for hours #n sometimes i do #anyway thats enough rambling for the night #corvus caws #late night talks

[ieirism]

intertwined. | preview

pairing: gojo satoru x f!reader

setting: omegaverse!au, university!au

genre: angst, smut, some fluff

contains: yandere, estranged childhood friends to enemies to lovers, mentions of self-identity issues, dubious consent, obsessive behavior, loss of virginity, mutual(ish) pining, gojo is bad at expressing his feelings so he’s kinda a jerk, lovesick!gojo

summary: you just want to lose your virginity, no strings attached. how could you have known that gojo satoru is in love with you?

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

release date: tbd | ask for taglist if interested

-

“I want you to take my virginity.”

Satoru’s cocky grin wipes clean off his face. His stare goes blank and his jaw drops open comically wide. For the first time in the twenty-one years you’ve known him, Gojo Satoru is at a loss for words.

“We never have to talk again afterwards,” you add quickly, your cheeks starting to heat up in embarrassment. “This is just gonna be a one-time thing.”

Satoru is silent, expression tense as he observes you carefully. His crystal blue eyes seem to darken a few shades as he takes your hand in his. His thumb strokes once, slowly over the back of your knuckles.

“Just a one-time thing,” he repeats languidly, lips stretching into a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

Perhaps if you weren’t so focused on the rapid, frantic beating of your own heart, you would’ve noticed Satoru’s gaze wander—only to lock right on the clear patch stubbornly covering your neck’s scent gland. You would’ve seen the way his pupils dilate and his tongue swipes over his lips, with hunger written all over his face.

“Well then,” he all but rasps out, voice thick with desire. Without warning, he pulls your body against his with ease, trapping you in the warmth of his arms. Satoru rests his forehead against yours, letting out a groan that is too soft, too vulnerable, too intimate.

He’s so big, you realize. You can hardly believe that you once stood a whole head taller than him. Satoru towers over you, his lean frame completely dwarfing you. His large hands squeeze at your waist as he presses a barely-there, tender peck to your forehead.

You feel like you can’t breathe.

“I hope you know what you’ve gotten yourself into, sweetheart.”

You’ve heard stories about what he’s like in bed; it’s inevitable that as the most desired alpha on campus, he’s gotten around. You don’t expect tenderness or care; if you did, Gojo Satoru is the dead last person to approach. You’re waiting for him to start man-handling you, tearing your clothes off, chasing after the carnal pleasure that only sex can bring. You’ve prepared yourself for that.

Instead, Satoru cups your pretty face between his large hands, running his thumb along your cheekbone. His blue eyes are a swirling pool of emotions, burning with not only lust but something deeper. “Been waitin’ so long for this.” His hushed whisper falls on deaf ears as he leans in to kiss you.

You let out a surprised squeak as his lips press against yours; this isn’t how things are supposed to go. You’re not here to play romance with Satoru—yet, the slow gentle kisses he’s giving you and the gentleness with which he’s holding you are cutting it too close.

“W-Wait,” you gasp out, pulling away to catch your breath. Satoru is panting too, cheeks flushed pink as he stares at you like a man dying of thirst discovering an oasis. His hand trails down your side to rest on your waist, pulling himself forward so he can drop his head against your shoulder. “What are y—“ your words die in your throat as you feel his nose nudge against the most vulnerable part of you.

“You smell so fuckin’ good…” His groan against your neck reverberates through your entire body, shaking you to your very core. Your internal alarm flares to life, blaring loudly in warning. You can’t even pay much attention to that, though, not when—

“Y-You do, too…” The words leave you before you can even process them. You knees feel like jelly as his scent washes over you, deep, musky and addicting. Satoru stiffens against you, huffing out a short breath of frustration.

“You’re gonna kill me.” You feel it. You feel his teeth scrape against the spot your mating bond would be. Satoru knows just as well as you do that you don’t have one, and that if you had things your way, that would never change. He teases the edge of the bandage covering your scent gland, rolling it between his teeth. Your fingers curl into his shirt, tugging nervously.

“N-Not there,” you protest, stumbling over your words in panic. Satoru pauses, and for three very long seconds, neither of you move. The only thing you can hear the is the pounding of your own heartbeat, his shallow pants against your neck, and the hum of the air conditioning.

He’s close, too close—you’re terrified of what he’s capable of, only because you don’t know if you can count on your own willpower to stop him. You’re slowly going limp in his arms, becoming nothing but putty in between his fingers—you’ve never felt so weak.

You hate how he makes you feel. You’ve always hated how he makes you feel. Weak. The world has always told you that you are. You’re nothing but a little omega whose only fate is to be a strong alpha’s obedient mate. You’ve fought back, resisted, protested—yet, Gojo Satoru has always managed to put you right back in your place.

This time is no different. Once again, you find yourself at his mercy. Your stomach boils with bitterness, with anger, with hatred… with longing.

Too slowly, he pulls away from your neck, only to lock eyes with you. “Right.” Satoru’s lips quirk into a crooked grin. “This is just a one-time thing, huh?”

You recognize that smile.

It’s the one that Satoru gave when he broke his mama’s favorite vase and blamed the cat. It’s the one that Satoru gave when he stole a candy bar from the store and got caught by the cashier. It’s the one that Satoru gave when he claimed you were no more than a stranger and left you to fend for yourself through high school.

He’s lying.

Far too late, you realize you’d made a big mistake.

-

author’s note: i can’t even lie this little word vomit was just a way to get some gojo thirst off my chest. i’m not even sure if i’ll ever get around to writing a full fic because i’ve been planning this in my head for weeks and there’s so much i want to include. yet i have too little time because of uni :(

if you are interested in being part of a taglist just in case i ever actually get around to writing the full fic, just let me know in the replies.

thank you for reading this far :)

#gojo x reader #gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #satoru gojo x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #yandere #yandere x reader #yandere gojo #yandere gojo x reader #gojo x you #gojo x y/n #gojo smut #jjk x reader #yandere jjk