#but iron told me they liked them and i cannot look at these anymore I've been in GPOSE for three days just working on these SO HERE THEY AR

[ahollowgrave]

-- teeth.

][ featuring a very startled Yein from @iron-sparrow! ][

In my heart of hearts there is a ship of confused sailors wondering where the hell Yein went too and one sailor swearing he saw a lady yank them off the ship.

She's just curious about their mouth! They have sharp teeth, too! Maybe they can also breathe underwater. (No.)

#Pigeon Screens #Odette Hollows #Yein #Thank you for lending me yein again iron <3 #(if you lend me ur OCs there is a none-zero chance of drowning sorry) #Not 100% happy with these because trying to light odette and Yein together above water is hard but underwater!? #underwater lighting difficult..... hard........... #but iron told me they liked them and i cannot look at these anymore I've been in GPOSE for three days just working on these SO HERE THEY AR #everyone praise yein for being so brave about being kidnapped by a mermaid #if i had real editing skills there would be a stream of bubbles leaving yein's mouth

[chuplayswithfire]

i will someday write the longer meta i've been thinking about on this topic but the thing that comes back to me time and time again is that ed is actually great at communication, he's good at communication, it's just that he actually believes people what people say when they talk to him, because he generally says what he's thinking and planning too.

He's not accustomed to passive aggression and that sort of indirect misdirection, but he recognizes that it hurts, that the words sting, he just doesn't know why. But when people talk to him? He listens, and he's good at people, and playing off their feelings, and their fears especially - that's how the art of fuckery works.

Ed tells people how he feels - he tells Izzy he's tired and sick and tired and sick and tired and done with the plans, that he's bored with life, that he doesn't understand if this is all it is. He tells Izzy when he's thinking of dying. He tells Stede he's thinking of it too - his whole comment about packing it all in comes before he's heard about retirement. He's not packing it all in as in quitting piracy, he's considering quitting life.

The fact that that isn't believed doesn't mean he didn't say it.

He plays the crowd at the party by understanding that they're looking for novelty and entertainment - he just doesn't understand that to these people, he IS the novelty and entertainment, not that they're all in it together. When he realizes this, he immediately calls them out on it, removes himself from the situation, and then decides on a course of action (aka wanting to shoot them).

When he realizes he can't kill Stede after wrestling with it all day and then having a PTSD trauma episode, he tells Izzy we're not doing this anymore. The fact that Izzy decides that they are and goes against him doesn't change that he tried to communicate that.

When Izzy leaves, he leaves telling Edward that he'll rue this day and that he'll have revenge. Edward doesn't vow any revenge or ill tidings on him. (Izzy also leaves because of the terms and conditions of the duel HE challenged Stede to, even though Ed told him not to but that's a post for another time)

At the Academy, Ede tells Stede that he doesn't have a plan for getting away, that they got caught. He's fatalistic about it, but also trying to be open to the things that come. And when Stede is upset about him losing the beard and the lack of plan and escape, he comes up with a plan, for their escape and also a life together. He openly tells Stede that he just wants to do the things that make him happy, and that Stede makes him happy, and asks him if he wants to escape together. And Stede confirms, verbally, three times that he wants to do this. We as the audience know he has doubts and know that he's fretting, but Ed, who is a person outside of Stede and cannot read his mind, does not.

Ed actually has every reason to think that what Stede is worried about is them being stuck at the academy, because that's what Stede kept talking about - not his worries over his family or being assumed dead, but that they were caught and that they don't have a way out. Offering an escape plan is responding to Stede's distress through the lens of listening to what Stede has said and coming up with a plan to address it.

Also, because this post is longer than I thought it'd be when I started, and because this thought always comes to my mind on this subject too, I think Ed genuinely means it when he tells Stede he doesn't have friends, and that's because Izzy and Calico Jack aren't his friends (but they are but they aren't).

Sure, Izzy and Calico Jack both go to a lot of effort to "save" Ed (Calico Jack, ironically, is actually doing more to save Ed in this situation, because he didn't create the danger to Ed like Izzy did), they put their lives and health on the line for him, but it's incredibly obvious that they both hate emotional vulnerability and tenderness, that they consider these things weak and wrong. Calico Jack literally says what kind of pirate has friends.

I think on some level, Ed might have considered Izzy and Jack friends if not for the fact that they're clearly against the idea and that Ed clearly considers a friend not just someone who has your back in a crisis, but someone who you can be vulnerable with without taking a coconut to the back of the head, or getting told you ought to have been killed. Izzy and Jack can't and won't be those things, so ergo Ed doesn't have friends - even though he has two people in his life who would sacrifice a lot for him.

Ed would be happier if he was better at subtext, maybe, or if the people around him actually communicated their actual frets and fears and worries and intentions, but if that happened where would we get our plot from, rip.

#edward teach #stede bonnet #ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd meta #this is a ramble but i'll tag it meta bc it did get long enough for me to go yeah ok and it is detailed enough

[prettyflyshyguy]

Ok place your bets how angry am I going to get at spn for their handling of S4 Sam because Dean's right.

"So far all you've told me about is a manipulative bitch who uh, screwed you, played mind games with you and did everything in the book to get you to go bad."

Yeah babey I'm tired, it's my day off, and I've braved myself up to tackle the tumultuous S4 because it's giving mixed feelings!!!!

You know the drill. Unhinged thoughts, commentary and screaming under the cut. I've been in full media analysis mode for the last week so it might get a little academic too, who knows.

A warning - I'm not enjoying the Heaven x Hell sub plot. I know, I'm sorry (not really.) I will persist as long as I can but you can't rip seasons 1-3 out of my cold dead hands because I'm clinging to them too strongly. They just hit the spot near perfectly. World's biggest fandom member disappointment, and proud, over here.

Anyway commentary bellow!

S4E9/10 - I Know What You Did Last Summer & Heaven and Hell

Ok so, this is a real topic, and I'm going to tread lightly here, but I appreciate the sinister undertones of Ruby coming onto Sam and him actively pushing back - he's vulnerable, abusing a substance, and she's actively taking advantage of that and doesn't stop after he makes it clear he's uncomfortable the first time. A boundary is broken and pushed through. Very icky. I have seen spoilers for Ruby's character (unfortunately!) and like, have to say, she got me. But I think I'd start to really clue in with this episode that something is deeply not ok - based on that one scene alone.

I am however, deeply worried, that the emotional manipulation is not going to be handled with the consideration it needs (especially with regards to a woman coming onto a man and being too pushy) and it'll be played off lightly. I guess we'll find out. But I'm getting defensive already. Appreciate that Dean clocks it immediately however.

On a lighter note - go psychic boy go

Anytime Dean makes this face I go mental. He looks like a concerned version of the Eyes emoji. Top 10 expressions I have too much fun trying to replicate in art. Buddy being dead for 6 months must've sucked you've missed so much Oh No.

Supremely embarrassed that it ONLY JUST CLICKED that they're doing a whole Sam's with the Demons, Dean's with the Angels thing.

I'll focus in on the most specific shit and then something so blunt will fly over my big idiot head. Amazing.

Ironic of course, and clearly intentional that its cause Sam was always appointed the 'better one' but that's only cause Dean purposefully inserted himself as the moral-fall character as a way to try and protect Sam. Obsessed with that concept, not so much with the heaven v hell stuff.

REGARDLESS, two angels rocking up and Ruby's immediate response being to turn on the demon eyes makes me wonder - is this intentional - did she choose to do this, was an otherworldly force compelling her to do it?

No I'm not just asking these cause I'm cooking up ideas for Sam to get more demonic nooooooo what're you talking about noooooooo

Hilarious that Cas and his mate rock up like "Hello we are literal fucking angels, we want this human woman please we're going to kill her now, please hand her over"

like they can't just yoink her regardless.

And this is starting to stray into "Why Shy really isn't enjoying the heaven-hell stuff in spn" - which I should save for an entirely separate post, but most of it boils down to the stakes don't feel serious anymore, the comparative power levels of character's feels unbalanced, it takes away ANY weight to Sam's personal faith as a character trait, and--

I'm sorry I just cannot get behind any of it. Really dislike it. Unfortunate. Oh well. Sozzles.

Heaven and Hell was a real hard episode for me to watch for a number of reasons and overall, I deeply disliked it, but the ending scene of Dean breaking down was extremely well done so huge props for that. Fantastic writing and acting all through. Much to consider!!

S4E11 - Family remains

The summary for this one looks. Fun.

"And what am I running from?"

"What you told me. Or are we pretending that never happened?"

OUGH. OUGH. AUGH. OOMF. ACK. AUGH.

I appreciate that unlike every ghost hunter I've watched on youtube, this show recognises that EMF readers cannot be completely trusted. 10/10 thank you supernatural. One small little line about the needle being wacky, and Dean noting that there's power lines right next to the house. Love it.

Nice.

I can sense I'm going to enjoy this episode.

I LOVE A GOOD GHOST-HUNTING EPISODE!!

Also love that this episode forcibly made the boys reconcile with the confliction of killing humans vs killing creatures, but the humans were in a way like the creatures (monsters), the same way the monsters can be like humans.

Anyway, tonal whiplash, yet again with this show:

S4E12 - Chris Angel Is a Douche Bag

The Winchesters need worksafe inspector fake ID because It'd be perfect for this episode specifically

I LOVE the three older magician characters. These guys are great.

WHAT

Anyway this is a good bit. This is a really good bit.

Yeah Sammy what kind of kool aid are you drinking?????

That was.... A weird one but a fun one.

Anyway I'm really starting to feel like I want to cherry pick eps but I'm going to hold off. Till I hit S5 at least.

Like I rabidly consumed seasons 1-3 like a starving animal and now I'm reluctant to watch episodes cause I know there's good shit in here, and each episode has some important development moments for characters, or relevant plot that I want to know about so I don't feel like I can start picking and choosing episodes based on descriptions yet. But damn. Lot more misses than hits for me this season. Seriously considering buying a dvds of just S1-3 cause GODDAMN. Loved almost everything about the first three.

#shy liveblogs spn #shy talks #not art

[ina-nis]

I feel very burnt out, both mentally and physically, but the physical issues will have to wait a few months until I can get them check out... either way, the emotional issues remain.

Therapist said that this could take several years - same as what last therapist told me, too - and that she didn't want to sound discouraging but... isn't that discouraging regardless? Any way, I told her I'm aware this is going to be a life-long process.

I already got so angry and cried so much.

This is not fair.

That I have been so hurt, so deeply by other people, over things that were not my fault or under my control and now I'm the one supposed to fix them by myself.

"But you're not alone!" Does it matter? Does it make a difference? Who is there with me, a therapist, really?

The next phase in my treatment is acceptance.

I got tired of fighting a losing battle, you know? I'm never going to win against this if I keep on trying to go face-to-face as I've been doing. I know that much now. It's likely there's no "winning" at all, and that's alright I guess.

If I get to a point where I'm able to actually live my life and enjoy my happinesses without a death wish, that's a victory for me. The pain will never go away, that's alright, I understand.

I've been troubled by my own feelings though: I keep engaged in love and romance in most things I do, in things I draw and read, and things I write and consume in general. That's definitely making matters worse, since I'm not avoiding the main cause of my pain.

Looking back at other things I used to do, ironically, they were very social activities that had nothing to do with romance. I did music-related things for fun, for myself and for the community I built around it.

A lot of that was also there to help me cope with an unsustainable living situation. Music gave me a quick and definitive escape from the hassle in my real life, and I never had to touch in these deep wounds.

Before music, it was my own stories and own universes and fantasies, which I engaged in romance quite a lot, but was escapism as well, of course.

Fast forward to here and today, as I started healing from all other issues, as I got into a safer place physically, naturally my mind gravitated towards love. I briefly experienced reciprocal love with my safe person at the time, too, so it's like I crossed a bridge that I'll never be able to go back to. I'm honestly thankful, I don't want to go back.

I just didn't imagine dealing with that loss would be so detrimental to me. But perhaps that was a loss that was loaded with... losses all around my life, that I probably have never processed. No matter what, it's out in the open and I can't go back. That's a good thing because I can try to do something about it finally.

If I'm trying to practice acceptance now, I wonder if engaging in these feelings will be just counterproductive? But it feels as if I were avoiding or even killing a part of myself if I do not experience them anymore.

Love is essential to me, to my happiness and to my well-being too. It's very hard, maybe impossible, for me to see romantic love as something separate from love because love is love to me.

Engaging in a fantasy of love feels good to me, always have. It's just not helping me cope with a lack of (romantic) love in my real life anymore.

When I see advice geared towards people wanting to avoid falling in love, or maybe being alright in singlehood, or accepting loneliness, or anything else... you're supposed to avoid love, since it is a trigger.

The other piece is disability.

Yes, I absolutely thought about trying to reconnect with music and maybe disengage a little from my romantic obsessions, or have a little bit of everything, instead of focusing so much on one thing but... it will just spread me too thin. I barely have the energy to do what I do, I cannot imagine myself engaging in a number of different things as a way to cope better, etc.

"Why not go back to music then?"

Yeah, why not? I asked myself this several times already and the answers were all similar: engaging in love directly makes me feel very fulfilled, music is something that feels more impersonal somehow. I love music and it's one of my favorite things in the entire world and yet, it's not something I feel deep in my core, as an inherent part of me.

Love does.

I wouldn't be engaging with love again if all there is was pain and triggers. Like I mentioned several times already: my feelings are not a mistake. There's a lot of suffering and there's a lot of joy, too. I want to find a way to make the joy worth living for, because as it is, the pain drives me to death, with how cornered I feel.

So... "several years" is a really long time to go on suffering with this horrifying pain, isn't it? That is when I choose the path to healing. I wonder how that will be now that I've chosen acceptance.

#loneliness #romantic love #inanis post

[acertainmoshke]

👻 and 🌧️ for the Halloween ask game. ^.-

👻 ghost: can you tease some wip ideas that have been haunting you/something you want to write in the future?

Let's see, I talked about Falling Petals here, so let's talk about the future of Cold Iron. I'm still working on the first book, in which the only consistent characters are Shaka, Kris, Maggie, and later Jack and Cassie. But when I think of "now" in that universe, I think of 60 years later when they meet the rest of the original "main" cast: Lynn, Tatiana, Liliana, Harry, Doug, and Beth. So most of my daydreams are about that future, and I cannot WAIT to introduce everyone else to the found family-ness of it all, and the various romances, and the secrets and betrayal, and the sacrifices, and the dichotomy between their cozy home life and violent quests.

🌧️ rain: share a sad or emotional scene from your wip!

Ooh, fun!! I already have 2 good ones in Cold Iron, but I think I've shared them both already so it looks like I'm writing another one. I used to write random scenes unrelated to my current point in the story ALL the time and I've gotten out of the habit, so this is fun. Plus this scene has been stuck in my head. It would be from the third book.

I wasn't watching where the kid was leading us. I was staring down through the sheets of rain at where his feet should have been and the glistening hooves clopping down the street instead. The longer hair on my right was plastered against my ear and cheek and getting in my mouth. The left side of my head was just wet and I was fairly certain I could feel my scalp freezing, an impressive feat for me. My pants clung wetly to my skin and my oversize windbreaker did little to break the wind. I was all but waddling. Which is probably why it took me so long to realize that I recognized this street. I had always thought the city looked the same wherever you went, but no. I knew these tall molded buildings in particular, the arches above their windows, the way their peaks pointed at the heavy sky. The cars parked in front were larger and sleeker, and the people bustling past us were wearing jeans and coats more than suits and lace, but I knew this place. I knew the way that sign shone silver, and what it had been before becoming another convenience store. I swear I recognized the way the sidewalk cracked and peaked. Suddenly the rain seemed much farther away. It was a coincidence, it had to be, because that would be ridiculous. We were walking down a familiar street—had already been walking for over a mile—and we would keep walking right on past... The kid leading us turned off the sidewalk suddenly and slipped past a torn piece of caution tape flapping in the wind. Beside me, April stumbled on a crack and stopped. "Oh," her voice sounded very far away. "That's so weird, I didn't even notice it. Come on, let's get dry." I was powerless to resist her tug on my jacket, leading me under the doorway and down the stairs into the flickering gloom. The tiles felt almost warm on my feet compared to the damp chill outside. The air felt positively toasty just for lack of wind. You couldn't tell anymore what color the walls had once been, but I could have told you they were painted peach. I was vaguely aware of kids and teenagers everywhere: huddled by a trashcan fire, laughing and wrestling and throwing things, sleeping in a lump in the corner. There was one old man snoring heavily. No one else looked older than 17. There were a lot of piercings and very little hair. The entire place smelled like cigarettes and sweat. Maybe half of them were inhuman. But I was only distantly taking in these details, because much more immediate was the large square hole in the wall. No one could have fit in there now, stuffed as it was with bags and cans, but I would swear I knew the color of a worn piece of fabric poking out at the bottom. It occurred to me, very oddly, to wonder if Maggie's missing picture was under there somewhere. "I know, right." Kris' voice was extra deep and scratchy, the way it got when he was determined to seem cool despite it all. He was leaning against the wall, sucking on a cigarette like it was all that was keeping him alive. He had dug up more appropriate clothes, too: jeans that were somehow baggy even on him, a thick sweatshirt, and a hat floppy enough to tuck his horns under. I felt a ridiculous urge to do a cartwheel, for old time's sake. We had been safe here. We had been happy here. Once. I pressed my hand against Kris', hard, and with each little prick of his skin on mine I felt like I could breathe again. But we were here, and somehow these kids were here, and I thought I would never see it all again. Thought I never wanted to. The lights all flickered at once, for just an instant, just long enough to notice the eternal purple glow coming from beside the tracks before I pressed my face into Kris' chest.

Tag list: @pga-books

#ahhhh I've been thinking about this for DAYS thanks so much!! #I should do more scenes just for the hell of it #moshke writes #writeblr #cold iron #ask games

[loulines]

I got my anniversaries mixed up.

Fuck.

Not that it matters. The thing on June 21st was something I confessed to someone which started a series of things that made me end up in therapy. Still ironic.

My fandom anniversary is about a week later. Can't really remember when exactly anymore.

Again, it doesn't matter.

I survived my first ever therapy session, that's what matters.

Normally I wouldn't write about it, in fact I haven't really felt like talking about the details for the couple of days, not even to my friends. My family doesn't even know I went there.

The only reason why I want to publicly speak about it is because I know there are many people like me who are struggling and on the verge of breaking apart, but they're too afraid to start therapy, or procrastination and executive dysfunction are kicking their ass. I can only hope to inspire at least one person.

I'd rather not talk about how I even got to that point aside from the thing I mentioned earlier because this should stay private. But it was that and also years of other unfortunate events that shaped me into the miserable wreck I am today.

I've been considering starting therapy when things were still somewhat "not great not terrible", but since I was terrified of talking to anyone, I did everything I could to not find a specialist.

Then, when I actually seriously considered getting the appointment, I have already done things I was even more scared to talk about with a stranger because therapist or not, the last thing I needed was to have someone confirm that I did morally wrong and unforgivable things...

And of course living in a hell of a homophobic country doesn't help either.

Hundreds of mental breakdowns later, and buckets of tears I've cried, my irl friend told me that I should really look for someone to help me. My first reaction was of course, "no way I will do it," but then she told me that she's looking for a therapist herself too. And she told me about her ways to look for someone.

So eventually I spent some time on research, wrote down some names and then left it like that without making an appointment.

It was fine. I did the first step anyway and that was what mattered. A few days later I was getting out of another meltdown and then I just... I grabbed my ipad, went back to the list and made an appointment with the therapist that "seemed" to be the best for me.

And that was it.

I almost started crying while I was signing up because it felt like I was making a life changing decision. And idk... Maybe because I finally agreed with myself to get the professional help I've been avoiding so much in the past.

On the day of the appointment I was stressed AF but it hit the catalyst 15 minutes before. I thought I would pass out and I don't know if it was my nerves or the heatwave or both.

And then it happened. Again, I don't want to share any details. Some things got clearer right away and made me feel calm now, the rest is still confusing. I definitely need more sessions. I might attend them feeling less stressed though. Hopefully.

I don't want to draw any conclusions now. I don't want to examine myself in search of finding immediate changes in me and my POV... That's gonna take a while and just because I've been feeling slightly better for a few days and not s**c*d*l (as usual) doesn't mean I'm already fixed. I'm not. I'm still beyond broken and more than confused.

Tbh I know absolutely nothing about mental health. All the attempts at trying to understand what is happening to me or others were only making things worse. I used to think I can DIY my own therapy without stepping out of my comfort zone. I cannot.

Had I started therapy earlier, say 8 months earlier, maybe I would be in a very different situation right now. And the people that were affected by my mental fuck up would be as well. Maybe things would be so much better now. I will never know. Time can't go in reverse, what's done is done. The only thing I can do now is to trust a specialist and hope I chose the right one.

And wait.

For days, weeks, months, maybe years...

Until life is good again.

#sorry for rambling again #I usually have this phases that I ramble a lot then stop and then go again #I honestly don't know what it's like to be happy anymore #all the good things that happened seem to be nothing but a fading dream now #also I slept very badly last night so I'm just exhausted and feel extremely bad #I wish I was a robot so I could juat switch myself off #I wish I could go back to drawing again I remember how I loved to do it #why am I still rambling in the fags ffs #I need sleep

[faithfromanewperspective]

a letter to my (new) boss (i'll never send)

it's important for me to process this here so. i know i've got that work 24/7 in my veins and i know i've got that need in me to change this city and to change the world. make this city nurturing, and feed the whole world and i can't help but constantly feel i'm getting distracted from it and traumatised from that distraction, being forced to do stuff that felt off course. what is on course? do i still remember it? what is the dream? why do i keep feeling caught up in other people's dreams, and dare i say, their idols? a vision of myself i cannot be?

i keep thinking it's like gender dysphoria and but actually. actually it is it's like. i'm sick of my whole life being told to climb up these ladders yknow? this whole structure that was constructed by the patriachy and isn't my gender at all. empowerment of women or whatever shouldn't mean we have to be that. should mean we get to be valued for who we are, whatever that is, instead of being forced into this box that some people won't even acknowledge the existence of (and that is the invalidating, repeatedly traumatising thing).

and that's why i love working in this field that facilitates the change of the industry. but to be bridging this gap requires sacrificing who i really am and the true iteration of the vision i have and i'm stretching myself, pretending what's hurtful isn't hurtful but still trying to steer the whole world away from what's normalised and in there, i feel so lost. I fought to do this project because it felt like finding myself. and it has been, to some extent. but what it has done is opened up floodgates. made me have to face things that are easier left unsaid. it's led me to face the dysphoria that has stayed under the surface for so long.

and i've realised who i am, and also realised, i don't think anyone realises and in some ways it's for the best because i can almost guarantee that in a lot of ways people are not going to like it. the right people will. in fact, i can think of a few who will. i'm almost feeling like i can bring it to the table. almost. but my art is always going to be a reflection of who i am. yes, even linkedin articles. even this bougie course. it's all kind of terrifying, really, because i belong precisely because i don't belong. it's that disparity that's keeping me employed and the way i call everyone else into line because the perspective i bring is outside of the boxes we can see when the boxes are moving too far out of what might be broadly acceptable, encroaching on and stepping on the feet of the invisible and vulnerable, or worse. i speak for the trees. i speak for the punks and the addicts and those who are oblivious to the whole grind. how i sometimes wish i could be.

but i once watercolour painted a wall hanging for an old friend and creative muse that said 'learn the rules like a pro so you can break them like an artist' and that's kind of how i've lived my entire life.

i find it ironic, sometimes, when people look at the have-nots of various backgrounds with different stories who often seem not to be trying under capitalism and think they feel entitled to things without working for them. i know people who think that to various degrees with various caveats and i don't even fight them anymore. no, i intend to do something so much greater. because i've figured it out

i've figured out that I'm the imaginary picture they have of these people they know nothing about, but the other way around. i have this core, and i mean CORE belief that's as fundemental to me as gender (and i get emotional thinking about it, like i don't think it's going to change, self destructive as it is, it's baked into me like DNA and at almost 23 my brain is nearly finished developing. it's stuck) that I'm put here on earth to work hard and provide for everyone else. i've memeposted about it but it's true. i've tortured myself over the lack of success I've had here and come back a million times to the fact that i don't have to, i'm held safe by supernatural hands from that one time a god put on DNA and became a meat suit and made some enemies who then killed it and called it a victory.

i know i don't need to for me and i know i don't need to prove anything and i know i know i know but the strongest sense of gender euphoria i've ever felt is when i fully surrender to both that and this feeling i have that iwanttoiwanttoiwantto. i feel like it's my role in the diversity and it's the big dream i've had since i was an age i could count on my fingers and toes without thumbs. social role or gender, right? this is incorporating some of the themes of womanhood and going global with them, provisioning and nurturing, and i don't care about logistics or what is fair i won't let anyone take this away from me, even though i see in their eyes they often want to try.

it's not even necessarily feminine. it could be masculine if you like. the opposite of toxic masculinity i guess? i know i get gender envy from some who embody this idea. but it's me and i know that and it might be a belief, a dumb one i will admit it, in that i need freedom to live it out. but it goes deeper than that.

and i have to say i've approached this with an attitude of utmost surrender. i have no way of guaranteeing this is going to work but i know i feel good when i'm following the same intuition that lit this passion in me and i know things go wrong when i try to suppress it. i know in order to be my best me i have to be fully me.

and i feel like i need to get comfortable and confident in these shoes before i expose myself too much to things that freeze the flow state of my brain and have power over me that they try to use to mold me into someone i'm not. someone who makes better financial decisions or hangs out with better people or has a more reliable sleep schedule or whose concept of equity isn't so complicated or who can enjoy hedonist things a little.

but don't you get it? it's when i get this out of my system at the same rate it goes in that i'm happiest. least self-destructive. i can celebrate with whatever joys i please within a liberated liberator's moral code and i can actually be present in the moment instead of trying to stem a tide that might give me that fulfilment i've been chasing for my whole life. i'm hesitant to say it's God talking to me except for the fact that i should relax. i don't know for sure, no one does, but what if it is? what if sometimes the counterintuitive best thing to do is just let me be deranged? because when i'm liberated this is as deranged as i get. just trust me, please.

and when you trust me i'll show up to those corporate events in a classy dress and block heels and i'll charm those investors or whatever they are (i won't let them know that i've forgotten their role as soon as they said it) and I'll have them seeing just a seed of my perspective, the one i've collected from thousands of stories i've sought out and will continue to until i represent millions. billions. i'll negotiate and cut to the heart of it in meetings, just let me grow and i can learn to do that. i know my skillset. i'll do admin organisational stuff and make a system for it. i'll finish my drinks and complete your jokes, don't you see who i could be? don't you see who i am? i'm the same me when i work in impact investing as when i work in special education and when i work in conservation and when i work in consulting and i work in urban design and i work in manufacturing and i work in hairdressing and when i'm a mother. i'll defeat your systems and i'll climb ladders horizontally like the monkey bars i slayed on as a child and i'll do it classily. i promise. i'll spend my whole life giving and i'll have fun doing it.

that's the dream isn't it?

#corporate punk #letter to my boss #sustainability #vision board #gender #the werid number of topics i've touched on here. but the important fact is i'm learning to be myself #personal mental health tag

[theshotsheardacrossworlds]

Just want to see baby Esme sowing some chaos. What was Aymeric's first time looking after a baby Esme like? I bet she missed Bapa and Mama alot

"Her bottles are in the icebox--" Agnes said to a nodding Aymeric.

"I know, my dear. Her overnight bag is in the guest nursery." Why yes, I had a guest room renovated to be a nursery. Anything for my goddaughter!

"And try to feed her shirtless so she can get to know your scent and shit." Estinien explained, still holding his babbling daughter. "Or is that only supposed to be for the father?"

Aymeric sighed. They showed me this already. Told me everything. I even had an esteemed governess teach me how to change diapers and carefully trim a baby's nails. I can handle one infant for a night! "I'll think about it, but you two need to get going."

"He's right, love. I realize we haven't been apart from Esme overnight yet, but she's in good hands." Of course she's in good hands. I'm her godfather! She took Esme from Estinien (who is pouting for Fury's sake) and handed her to Aymeric. "Be a good baby for Uncle Aymeric, okay Esme? We'll see you tomorrow." She kissed her daughter's head and gestured to the door. Estinien grunted (as is his wont), kissed the baby, and gave Aymeric a look.

"If anything--"

"I know. Now, go! Enjoy your evening!"

As soon as the door closed behind the couple, Esme began to cry.

Oh dear. Aymeric kissed her head and rubbed her back. "Tis alright, Esme. They'll be back tomorrow." After a few moments she quieted down. "See, all is well. Shall we set you down for a nAAAAAAAAAP! ESME NOT MY EARRING!"

The baby laughed!!!!! LAUGHED!!!! Esme tugged on Aymeric's blue crystal earring and seemingly has an iron grip! LET GO!

"My dear sweet child, pray release my earring!" He said in his most official Lord Commander voice as he tried to pry her little fingers from the earring. Ah, this is why Agi rarely wears earrings anymore.

***

Aymeric stared at the ceiling in his room and then looked at the chronometer. 3:17. What started with trying to rip my ear off devolved into Esme being very fussy when eating (I did end up having to remove my shirt and then she calmed down), Esme doing the largest shit I've ever seen, and Esme whining until Aymeric held her. Constantly. She just wants to be held and cuddled. Not unlike her father when he's inebriated... It was only until near midnight she finally fell asleep, and Aymeric placed her in the ornate crib in the guest nursery.

I suppose...she's better at home because she's with her parents. Has a routine. All that's been disrupted. Despite all that, I do enjoy spending time with her. I believe she liked it when I read stories to her, even if she can't understand yet. She is a delight.

And yet I cannot help but feel sorrow. I long for having a partner and children. But my duty...my duty to Ishgard...must always come before mine own wants. Perhaps someday I shall find someone to love and cherish. Perhaps we will have our own children. Until then, I vow here and now that I will be the best godfather I can be to my dearest friends' children. For Esme and those to come...you may always come to me. I will forever be by your side. And someday perhaps the fruits of mine own labor in making Ishgard a better place, a more tolerant and open nation, will mean your parents will make their home here.

I am so lonely. I miss them so much. Letters are not the same as cooking your darling mother or playing billiards with your father. I would love to take regular walks with Agi again. I'd love to get shitfaced with Estinien. I miss them...so very much.

Aymeric had not realized he had started crying and wiped his tears.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He chuckled, rising from bed and grabbing his robe. Duty, as ever, calls.

#agnes currai #estinien varlineau #aymeric de borel #wolstinien #estinien x wol #esme varlineau #esme is a daddy's girl #aymeric is bi imo #he just really misses agi and estinien #and was totally heartbroken when agi told him they would be living in radz at han #asker i wuv u #ask and you shall receive #esme is gonna yank his ear off

[honeyhellsbells]

Hey! I am here to grovel at your feet and beg for a Dragon Age: Inquisition Matchup. All jokes aside, some bits and pieces about me irl: I am 6'6", and I identify as a ???? who likes men. I am a bit on the chubbier side and I have a birds nest of halfway between curly and wavy hair. I'm a Scorpio Sun, Sag Moon, and Aquarius rising, so basically I'm an emotional eccentric who loves travel. I'm pretty nonconfrontational, but very emotional and passionate. I love singing, writing, and admiring art!

so, i would describe myself in one of two ways. i can be incredibly compassionate, i've been the mom friend in all of my friend groups (which i am glad to be!). with the people in my life that i love and hold dearly, i'm always checking in, making sure that they're okay and comfortable, ensuring them that if they need anything they can 100% come to me and i will do all i can. i've been told i'm very easy to talk to, and i create a nice atmosphere. i'm also pretty out there at times, i tend to obsess over random things at random times, i've had months where all i look at in my free time is marine life, months where i am deeply into researching ancient religions, stuff like that. while i am a mom friend, i really open up when that sort of "caretaker" role is reciprocated. i will then open up my more child-like side. when i become comfortable in a cared-for way, i kinda go full mountain dog. a huge cuddly person who just wants to either sleep or goof off.

all that being said, i am a very blunt and sometimes rude person to those who i don't like or when someone messes up. i won't beat around the bush, even if my best friend does something wrong i will flat out tell them. i get very deadpan when i'm talking with someone about boundaries or taking accountability, as those are two huge things for me. my motto is "i won't forgive people who don't think they need to be forgiven." if you don't acknowledge your fuck up, then i will be civil, i will be around you when i have to, but that is it. when it comes to people who are just terrible (bigots mainly) i tend to use my past as a recovered male manipulator (emphasis on recovered i promise i'm not human trash lmao) to get them to spill. i sit back and let them talk themselves into a hole, occassionally cutting in to ask them stuff like "can you elaborate?" "what do you mean by that?" "what makes you think that?" and then as soon as i see an opening call them OUT. i hate liars, i hate bigots, and manipulative people. and because i was all of those things once, they hate me too. i know their games.

okay that is all, i think that defines me pretty well. as i said (at least i think) in the post, i'm huge into singing and listening to music, i love writing prose, and i'm a hopeless romantic who is also trapped in a sarcastic "that was so sweet but i cannot help but laugh at the corniness" body. ----------------------

A good Match Up for you would be… The Iron Bull! This Tal-Vashoth is one with an even more complicated history than most of those that leave the Qun behind. Not having fit into the strict regime he grew up with, his current situation is not much different, just with different insults being hurled at him. To be fair, he does have a rather thick skin and most words (and rocks) thrown at him just bounce off without much off a thought, but as he gets older, he does crave the gentleness and compassion he was so often forsaken in his life before.

When he meets you, his Ben-Hassrath training kicks in automatically, as it does with anybody new in his life, and something just doesn't seem to add up. How you listen to him when being smacked with poles doesn't do it anymore, how you bring him food and water with a smile on your face when you know he didn't have the time yet to take care of himself, it seems so much different from what he is used to.

He keeps you at an arms length for the most time at first, or at least emotionally since he would really miss your form pressed into his side before the fire, leeching off of his warmth while you satisfy your need for physical contact. His young life was filled with manipulation, pain and lies, so anything that seems too good to be true, is suspicious.

For a while he is just fine with your platonic friendship, listening gladly to your sometimes hour long ramblings about whatever obsession has gripped you this time, sometimes even fanning the flame if it is something he is personally invested, but after a while his mild curiosity develops into a genuine interest.

With him and your friends you are always so caring and kind, providing help and comfort whenever someone might feel worse for wear and playing along with all the goofiness that is bound to happen in your close circle. That makes it so much more surprising to watch you once you reach a person of a nastier caliber.

As a former spy, Bull is well versed in sniffing out those with bad or ulterior motives and he is shocked to know that you are as well. Watching you verbally fold the person in front of you in half, he is both mesmerized and maybe a little concerned. Skills like yours don't necessarily come natural and he is curious how you managed to attain them.

His past is as close to an open book as it could be, he never hides even the ugliest parts of who he was and what he used to do, and with becoming his partner, he wishes you would treat your past the same. Like you, he tries not to judge the path someone walked to become the one they are today, of course only if that path led them to become a better person and they are open about it.

With him you can talk about the deeds you deem the most evil, how they made you feel then and now and how you learned to become better because of them and you won't find judgmental words or nasty words coming from him, but a comforting hand on your shoulder and a sense of pride stemming from him. After all, you have learned from your mistakes and that deserves some praise.

The two of you are a force to be reckoned with, mercilessly crushing those who deserve it, comforting those who need it, before cuddling completely entangled with each other, singing songs and reciting love poems in front of the fire like the sappy romantics you are.

I hope you like your Match Up!

#match up #dragon age inquisition #dai #iron bull #the iron bull dai

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

Not related to the recent anon drama, but just wanna talk.

I really don’t understand CRWBY.

In the end of Volune 6 (?), Tyrian was all like “If General Ironwood comes to his senses and calls upon aid from Vacuo, all may be lost for us!”.

And when Team RWBY was visiting Pietro’s lab, Pierrot said that James is paranoid.

Why the heck would CRWBY make an established-paranoid ptsd-suffering man a Villain???

It was established that Tyrian, you know, an antagonist, was trying to set up Ironwood for panic and failure.

And the whole Robyn Hill/Happy Huntresses group made his job infinitely harder.

And it’s kinda weird that they killed off the mixed-race character at a time racism to Asians was very prevalent.

Hey anon! Sorry it took a little longer then usual to get to this ask. My ask box has been full lately and with craziness at work I've been a little slower getting to asks then usual.

Anyways into the meat of this ask, I honestly do not understand CRWBY's decisions either. Even ignoring the absolutely pathetic excuse of a redemption arc for Emerald and Hazel, just only looking at James, he was arguably set up to be redeemed from a certain standpoint if that makes sense. We have been repeatedly told James is scared and traumatized (and people insisting that somehow makes his weak or pathetic are really showing their true vile colors and I pray they never meet people who have been traumatized) and in desperate need or help. And then the mains come in and they are painted as the help James so desperately needs but they screw up along the way along with James but in the back of our minds we know, he's traumatized and exhausted and has his his emotional breaking point and has started going into a nosedive emotionally and more then ever needs a helping hand to reach out and stop the death spiral and we've seen Ruby try and reach someone actively trying to like kill her, so why wouldn't she try and reach the man who has been shown to just need help and someone to care?

And then we get to volume 8, and as soon as episode one they start hamming up how bad and evil and dangerous James is and I realized all of that set up and potential....had gone down the drain. They never had any intention of letting James be saved. It didn't matter he was traumatized. It didn't matter he had been intentionally triggered and had been manipulated and messed with by Salem's forces since volume 4. It didn't mater that Robyn and Jacques where both making his job harder very much intentionally. It didn't matter he had done so much good before and was always painted as morally gray, he was a monster now and nothing could ever change that so no one should even bother trying.

The whole this is only made worse be examining how James was treated compared to people who committed far far worse atrocities then James ever did. Add that on top of this all being done as you said during a time when hate against Asian people was at an all time high and for me it goes from weird to all out ableist and racist. I just cannot believe anymore the writers could not have known about the harm this would case. They just didn't care because for some reason they needed the mains to be 100% right and because James was shown to question that he had to be 100% wrong to ensure the mains could be right and pure and perfect not realizing that it stripped the mains of everything that made them likeable. The ability to look at them and relate to them and see them make mistakes but still be considered heroes. CRWBY stripped the ability for RWBY to ever be wrong and in doing so ironically stripped away their humanity. You can't emotionally connect with perfect and pure flawless human beings because no one is perfect and pure and flawless. We ALL screw up and trying to pretend otherwise is downright toxic and causes far more harm then good because it denies the harm one person may have caused another whether it was intentional or not.

It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to screw up. It's okay to make a bad call in any situation, especially one as stressful as an immortal witch coming to kill everyone. What is not okay is trying to insist someone never ever made a mistake and trying to pretend harm one person caused another never happened. And that is what RWBY did to James. They denied the harm they caused him and blamed him for what they did to him and Atlas and Mantle, and that is wrong.

#James Ironwood #RWDE #ironwood protection squad #pro james ironwood #general ironwood #pro ironwood #general dadmiral #dadmiral ironwood

[scorpionwins]

The way I've been foaming at the mouth for an au where fem jug! (Juggie, so I don't get confused lmao) ran away at 13 possibly?

So hers and FP's relationship is one of stranded man lost and wondering girl, who ran away from home and found a house in her hidey hole, or the school, or anywhere she could grab.

She was still best friends with Archie, and Moose and Reggie, when they were small and grubby, playing in the mud as kids.

Until they weren't.

She's unable to pin point the exact moment, where she started to lose people.

Was it when Marty's wondering gaze seized her the more and more she spent around Reggie, and thats why her platonic soulmate tossed her aside? (Reggie knowing his dad is a complete CREEP and he can't, he can't let her get hurt. Marty's calling in life seems to be drowning and ripping away everything Reggie loves so- he can't love Juggie. That's his solution)

and began to treat her like she wasn't any better than rubbish on the street? Was it Archie spending more and more time with Betty? Who, when her blonde, wide eyed friend isn't looking, is staring at her, with eyes Juggie cannot return, so she avoids them.

It was unclear. Very much so. What was translucent to her, like sea water on crystals, was that girls like her didn't get a happy ending.

Boys like Chuck Clayton made sure of that.

Basically - Chuck uses his father's position as coach into coercing her to go on a date with him.

Usually, Bulldogs chose to stay in packs. One at her side toying with the locks of raven she tries to conceal into her beanie, the other pinching her cheek until its angry red, hands fiddling with the ends of her baby blue plaid skirt. Alone? No.

Archie and her don't talk, not much, not anymore, - but when Chuck corners her one day after she leaves Reggie some cookies by his locker, she's surprised.

" Archie's a dreamer; Talks about scholarships, college, the whole nine yards. Be a shame to demolish all that."

Archie may have not conserved any love for her; Maybe he forgot the sleepovers by the treehouse, the tender kisses on skinned knees and elbows, the small candy friendship bracelets. He may have forgotten their love, but Juggie didn't. Doesn't.

She agrees, rushing out of there with haste, container of cookies falling out of her hands as she runs so and knocks shoulder with Moose on the way, who wants to call after her, but thinks he's lost that privilege.

" Did you do something to her?"

Maybe Chuck is too accustomed to Moose's soft spoken, docile tone, entirely too preoccupied with admiring himself in the mirror, or just arrogant enough to ignore the cold iron in Moose's voice, thinking it was no match for him.

" Oh, nah, she's good, - I just told her all the things I'll be doing to her tonight. Guess she panicked. You know Jones, she's a prude, " he shrugs. " not after tonight, she won't be. Hell, she can play the innocent act, but with tits like those-"

The letters fall strangled, once Moose's fingers pin him down on the lockers, cold brown eyes watching Chuck struggle from air.

" Chuck; I really couldn't care less about jacking off your fragile ego in front of me, because you do it all the fucking time, and its not getting any more impressive. But what I do to you is NOTHING compared to what Reggie will," the fist grows in pressure, and Chuck's heels are lifted from the ground, making vain attempts at kicking. For someone who brags about fangs, he clearly doesn't know how to use them. " If we find out you clowned around. So go on, get your little date. But you'll get only that, and afterwards, I don't want to hear her name leave your mouth. You get it?"

Chuck nods, eyelids snapping erratically. " Good. Buy her some nice flowers. Take her wherever she wants to go. And when the night ends, tell her she looks nice. "

Maybe the date itself happens to be on the same day a carnival or something takes place- Juggie picked crowded locations, where anybody who's somebody would go to, so Chuck wouldn't act up, or make fleeing away in a crowd easier.

But Chuck turns up the wholesome "oh no I understand you, I was an asshole im sorry" shit on her and Jug's character base is how much he can forgive, you know that. It's his main strength, a two edged sword, and- and she believes him. For a time.

Basically Sweet Pea , who was only there because Toni heard Cheryl would be, seeing the most angelic girl, - bright and radiant draped in her soft blue overalls, matching perfectly with winter skin that has no right looking as soft as it does, midnight weavy hair cascading down her back and a thousand watts smile he could stare at all day, carrying an adorable puppy plushie around.

His chest freezes, thought, when that smile vanishes, because the guy in a bulldog jacket sneers, " You just got lucky."

" I mean, not really? I know those games are rigged, my papa thought me that -"

Chuck is an arrogant idiot, a boy in man skin, who cannot handle to see others shine so he has to shove them from the spotlight cause he won't share it. Juggie yelping when her stuffed animal is knocked out of her hands, and she pouts, upset, stomping away.

Sweet Pea being like, I want pretty girl to win me plushie, Northside boys are so weak-

He thinks maybe he should go after Chuck, school him on how you really treat girls on a date, but Reggie beats him to it.

Him and Cheryl, twin protective storms grabbing at the Bulldogs arm and leading him somewhere Sweet Pea knows he'll be thought a good lesson.

Sweet Pea picking up the toy from the ground and follows her around, already forgetting that Josie didn't show up for their date, and has to hype himself up because the Disney princess rushed into a haunted house. He doesn't fuck with shit like that,- intimidation, murky alleys, discreet switchblades at the neck, he can do, but zombies and screaming? No.

Still. He's terrified, and shaking, and he goes anyway. @viknikisbae had an ADORABLE scene where Juggie sees this 6'5 puppy behind her tremble and she offers her hand. " You can hold my hand if you want, I'll make sure we get out. " That I've been YELLING over.

OH MY GODDDDDD THE WAY IM SCREAMING- the fact that Juggie doesn't even KNOW sweet pea yet is already so protective of him??? Um???

Im fucking crying, tall serpent bitch hiding behind a 5'2 terror with bows in her hair (bc her beanie is special and she won't wear it around Chuck of all people) and Sweet Pea's hands gently but firmly curling around her shoulders as he walks behind her, screaming bloody murder when a Zombie jumps at them and Juggie laughs when Sweet Pea hugs and lifts her away.

They make it out, and after thanking him for the plushie, she makes herself scarce, unaware that Sweet Pea follows. Sweet Pea trying to catch up after her through the sea crowd only to stop bc a plushie caught his eye?

But he's insecure. He's the big tough, mean serpent everyone shakes before. He doesn't have Toni with him, so he can't even pretend thatd be for her and not his collection. Juggie sees that, when she finally does stop, and the begging puppy eyes look Sweet Pea gives that stuffed animal twist and melt her heart.

She goes over there and play, hold that toy close to her and sp can't help but watch in envy but she hands it to him he practically lights up.

"... Do you like ice cream?"

Juggie refuses to be indebted to Chuck in any possible way, which is why she took a fistful out of her black days savings for this joke of a date. She has no qualms about spending them on the serpent boy, thought. Let Sweet Pea get a sugar mommy he deserves it.

I'm just- there's just one night, one night Juggie thought would be terrible, but it turned out really amazing, because of the strangely meek but bold serpent boy she mostly carried out of the haunted house, shaking in her small hands, and her trying to hide her blush because of the solid bulk, like strong marble under her fingers.

Who glares at the poor ride owners when she didn't meet the height requirements, when she raised her up for the basketball game, whom she won an armful of plushies for.

She gets to be a normal kid, and there's an unspoken knowledge that the feelings shared.

Maybe Archie and Betty are on a date, one that isn't going so well, truly, because the fire doesn't burn the same in their eyes.

His is mellow, familiar, the flame that keeps you warm in the blizzard and hers are burning with a passion unreturned.

But Archie's eyes basically glow, when they spot a small figure in baby blue overalls, carrying her fair share of plushies (that she'll have to sell if she wants to eat, she thinks sadly) and jogs to her.

" Jug? JUG, hey," like he didn't abandon her for an entire summer, like he didn't skip their road trip. And Juggie she- Archie is incredibly earnest, so she tries to match his energy, his excitement.

Sweet Pea goes quiet, but not unseen, a constant presence at her side, tall and imposing in case this Bulldog wants to cause trouble. They're close, he notes. In what way, he doesn't think he wants to know. Juggie does smile up at him, quiet fondness falling over him like a honeyed rain. " This is Sweet Pea, we met at a haunted house."

Archie's eyes are quick and assessing, down, up, a slight curl of his lip, before turning around, exuberant smile back in place, saying that Juggie HAS to come check this ride with him and Betty.

Juggie stutters something, but Archie just laughs, grabbing her hand and pulling her to the crestfallen blonde's direction, leaving Sweet Pea behind.

#jughead jones #archie andrews #reggie mantle #moose mason #betty cooper #toni topaz #cheryl x toni #riverdale #jughead x reggie #jughead x archie #jarchie #jugpea #sweet pea #southside serpents #barchie #fluff #fluff and angst #tw bullying #tw chuck clayton #cheryl blossom #fem jughead #female jughead #text #text post #drabble #fic #riverdale imagine

[bl-garbage]

coming out, like in the movies.

There are far too many reasons, wide-ranging and on varied degrees, for why coming out is That One Thing all queer people share in suffering. Yet, in the end, all of these boil down to that one overarching fear: that society will reject us. 

Those who soften the blows of this reality will hold our hands, like Anna does (I love her so much, I fucking do), or will offer a safe space and let us cry it all out, like Ate Judit does. Others simply know and will let us come out of our own accord, like Tito Santi does. 

These are warm instances of comfort, but ultimately they are mere consolations to help us come to terms with our mad realization that we had been ‘different’ all along. That we were unnatural. Sinful. A fraud. A phase. An illness. A mistake. An abomination. A wrong. The elements of horror that society has instilled upon us cast a looming shadow, that which would follow us even as we try our damned hardest to step out into the light. The truly laudable thing about Gaya sa Pelikula is how the show willingly offers an opportunity for introspection, a clearance for one to delve into the trajectory of their own stories.

I myself have never come out. Imagine that. A hundred gay-themed movies, one massive crush on Chris Evans, and a desire to be TayNew’s personal bodyguard later, and I still have not said the word out loud. I know because I keep track. My friends know I like boys, and I have never hidden it to those that truly matter, but the reality is that I have never admitted it either. For good measure, I would often create buffers, perhaps in an attempt to make things more palatable: I talk about boys, in all their chiseled glory, but from time to time I make sure to let someone hear, whoever has an ear, that I too had been in love with a girl ‘back then, when I was a teen, back in high school, I guess’ - which is true anyway. I will not discount that experience. But then here comes the shameful part: ‘So maybe I’m not totally gay,’ I would rationalize. ‘And why not? I could very well be bisexual.’ Or perhaps fluid. Or perhaps I was simply too afraid of a label.

Back then, I had probably already guessed this One Thing about myself, but perhaps as a defense mechanism, I had subconsciously ignored it. To friends now, my official story is that I had been in love with a girl - had expressed so myself and had written things about her and had bought her gifts - but then, eventually realized that I was also capable of liking a boy. This narrative is only partly true. What I leave out is the very real possibility that liking a girl could have very well only been part of this overall journey, one that had just been all too complex to understand for my nascent, horrified self. I was only what, 15, when I was first confronted with the reality that loving a boy was possible. 

(One day I had found myself walking with a boy and realized butterflies had been swarming in my stomach. One day I was much too filled with a desire to message him that maybe things were feeling different. One day my mom caught me with that very message, saved as a draft on the phone, and my desperation may have betrayed my concocted excuse that it was just a joke, mommy, really. Didn’t matter what I said; it was what she said that had stuck with me anyway: In tones of pleas, she said, son, please, don’t. One day my mother and I agreed never to talk about it, but I knew better. There was no joke about all this: not what I felt for that one boy, but what I felt within myself. And a more brutal reality: That there was no way in hell my mother would ever except my truth.) 

I had no one to help me understand. Things did not look the way they were over half a decade ago. Liking a boy seemed so wrong. 

Which is why, I know exactly what Karl felt. Vlad had asked him, “Ano ka (What are you)?” and immediately told Karl that he should not be scared of the word. But the truth is, gay is a scary word. As much as we hate to admit it, being gay means being shunned, facing the worst of the world without any armor. It feels as though walking bare naked, unsheltered, with simple questions otherwise borne out of genuine concern feeling like sharp daggers thrown from all directions. 

Things like these, one does not really get used to. They’re not ones that are suddenly okay, just because another person professes that they accept us. The bravest souls in the community will attest that they, too, fight to have the courage every single day. I recall the coming out video of Dan Howell, who had so perfectly articulated why the word ‘gay’ feels so uncomfortable. To me, ironically, the word seems like a label that, once uttered, would permanently seal me in a box, devoid of any guarantee of an out. What if things changed and I suddenly found myself liking a girl (though I doubt that anymore)? The answer to this is one I already know: that only I hold this decision. Would society then, as I have been so predisposed to believe, think that I had lied, that I had failed to be honest? Even when the honest truth of it all is that doubt and fear are two sides of one coin? To my mind, the word ‘gay’ already seems like a conclusion, and henceforth any acts that I do, the word would hinge itself. What if there’s no eject button? That is the truly horrifying thing.

This is an experience all too common, which is why it resonated with every viewer. Similarly, the experience comes with more aggravating instances: Throughout the whole episode, there was the atmosphere of great unrest, which we all know had been a directorial intention. From the cold open, we are shown a slow motion that signifies how overly conscious Karl was to everything; we are shown the way Karl’s voice had been muted when he was trying to talk to Tito Santi; we are shown just how problems are kept hidden and in secret, as when Ate Judit and Tito Santi were talking over them and Karl just being quiet, silenced, until it was he who had been put on the hot seat, ever so suddenly. 

These people who are supposed to be allies have talked over Karl, drowning out his voice. Only at their own signal did they let Karl talk, and by then, it was to answer the question Karl had dreaded all along. We know they want the best for the boys, but this is important to note just the same: No one must be forced out of the closet. It will only harbor more pains. As expected, this unsettling atmosphere has paved the way for the confrontation we had long known was coming. 

The heartbreaking part is that Vlad understands, so much so that he has been patient. Karl needs to find his own self, just like Vlad did. Just like everyone does. The montage of their own perfect life, lived in a large box that is their apartment, was but a sweet escape, and Vlad knows that. This was their shelter from harm. But a time must come when this has to end and they must come out. What has happened there so far - the dance, the hugs, the kisses, and all the memories - it was all real, but it was also hidden. And if one of you denies it happened, how would you trust your own truth? Vlad had taken the lead, because he had the pass to come in and out of this large box, sharing this precious space with Karl. Yet, it was understandable that Vlad had also been itching to help Karl come out on his own. To Karl, that is the most terrifying thing. When he said, we’re okay, Vlad, okay? he was desperately looking for normalcy, to abort this mission and go back and just - just stop. 

Vlad has been through that, and was all over it. No longer.

Neither of them is to blame. On one hand, you own your truth; and on the other, you can never force one to live a lie and go back into the closet, just so that they may be at your own pace. 

The bold truth about Gaya sa Pelikula’s penultimate episode is this: Neither Karl nor Vlad is wrong. It is they who have been wronged. By a society that has forced each one of us to hide, to man up, to woman up, to believe that the only way of seeing people was on the basis of what's between their legs and not what 's inside their heads. And Ate Judit, Anna, or Tito Santi may try their best, but they can do no more than to assuage the horror that comes with living your own truth.

I cannot stress enough how important shows like Gaya sa Pelikula are. For those who are only in the first laps of this journey of coming out, it can be their console. To me, this is a way of understanding why things came out the way they were. To others, this is a welcome respite. An embrace.

This is the magnificence of Juan Miguel Severo’s love letter to the LGBTQI+ community. This was just masterfully done. I find comfort in Vlad’s own love letter to Karl. I’ll bid goodbye for now, go into a corner of this box, and mull over the choices I've made thus far. (Reader, to be honest: I’m now writing this in my dormitory, in my own box I suppose. For the past six episodes I had been watching the show at home, but now I had to stay in the dorms. I guess, this was fate, too, to help me process my own feelings, alone.) Anyway, for those who have not seen it:

God, I am just overwhelmed with emotions. Just gonna cry now.

#GAYA SA PELIKULA #gayasapelikulaep07 #ian pangilinan #paolo pangilinan #juan miguel severo #bl series #dan howell #pinoy bl series #gaya sa pelikula

[ceasarslegion]

Submitting instead of asking because I cannot express any idea in less than like 500 words lol

So I had been following WayneRadioTV for a while but had only ever seen one of his streams (chimps for charity) and nothing else.. Then one day I get yet another notification he's streaming and on a whim I go, "Sure, let's see what this dude is doing." And that turned out to be the very first hlvrai stream! [Insert meme of spongebob pointing at himself on TV, but it's me pointing at myself in the chat of the HLVRAI streams]  Having no knowledge of any of his similar previous streams or about any of his friends made it an incredibly weird/hilarious/surreal/surprising experience. I think part of the reason I got so into it was because of how blindsided I was by it.

Ironic or serious?

I was absolutely non-ironically hooked by the end of the first stream.

Twitch or Youtube?

Made sure to catch every stream from then on, and then watched the youtube videos when they came out as well. I tuned into the commentary too.

How passionate?

I was extremely obsessed with it for... I dunno, a few months, at least. I'm very passionate in general about the way long-form improv can coalesce into a unique and interesting story, and HLVRAI is no different. It's still my main fandom (or tied for it, at least?) but the super-fun, super-obsessed days are behind me.

Make/engage in fan content?

I drew some and wrote bits and pieces of fic here and there, but I didn't publish anything outside of my small discord until something like a year after the first stream. It's been... a steady but very slow output from me, as is usually the case with any fandom I'm in. I looked at a lot of art and fic for a good few months in the beginning, but mostly stopped eventually because the fandom was/is so horrendous that it wasn't worth putting up with it for the content. :') (Now 95% of the hlvrai content i consume is made by people in my private little discord)

Following content creators?

I followed Wayne on Twitch already, as I mentioned. I didn't know of anyone else in the crew beforehand (although their meme presence was certainly felt far and wide). I followed Gir, Holly, Baaulp, Scorpy, and Log afterward for quite a while, but I don't follow any of them anymore, including Wayne. I still follow Wayne on Tumblr though.

Favorite characters/moments?

My favorite character was always Tommy. Second favorite is probably Bubby. I really love Darnold but I don't think about him much since he has so little screentime. I actually found Benry to be a little annoying and tedious at first. He was definitely the character I was the least interested in. When I saw the emerging popularity of Benry/Gordon, I knew it was only a matter of time before I was Mere-Exposure-Effect'ed into liking him... And I was right, haha. I have to admit I love that sort of ship dynamic.

As for moments.. Gah, There are so many I love that just aren't on the top of my head right now. >_< Benry's monologue at the end is a classic, of course. Also the part with Coomer quietly saying, "None of this is real, is it?" And I love the parts where they're just sitting in a circle and talking.

One of the big reasons I looked forward to the streams was definitely because I wanted to see what would happen with the characters / I just wanted to see more of them in general.

Know anyone IRL?

I introduced my IRL friend to it, and she thought it was hilarious, but she didn't get into it in a fandom sense. Everything else has been online. (And mostly in small private discords.)

Other Stuff

Idk if any of the following would be relevant to the paper at all, but I don't feel like I've completely told My HLVRAI Story without it.

1) I got suuuper into half life through hlvrai. I had actually already played the HL series before, years ago, and it didn't really leave much of an effect on me. But for some reason I LOVE it now. Maybe it's because hlvrai made me think more deeply about the HL universe?

2) Cannot possibly stress enough how negative my experience of the fandom was. At this point I don't actually like seeing most content or even talk of HLVRAI from people I don't already know, because I have this pavlovian response of getting upset. I'm honestly very surprised I'm still into hlvrai with how thoroughly and irreversibly I've managed to connect it to bad experiences in my mind. -_- (That's kind of just what fandom in general is like these days, though... At least in my experience.)

Well... This ended up being way longer than I thought it was going to be, and that's saying something. No hard feelings if you don't wanna post it because of that, or because of the negative bits. ^^;;

#submission #thanks so much!! #HLVR:AI paper

[arodrwho]

.

but then again they don't have to give a single fuck about their younger siblings because that's my job, so that's one less complication on their plate

not that them moving is them not caring, like, them not caring is the normal regular thing and i'm glad they're experiencing it -

or i guess that's rude of me to say bc i'm told their initial words were to the effect that they love their siblings but they're not putting up with mom anymore

which, like, valid, but i'm fairly sure they're not, like, doing a shitton of childcare, so what they mostly meant was they'd miss their siblings. i think. they probably do more than i realize, which i can say with certainty bc it didn't look like i was doing much but i was doing a fair amount

anyway

all of this is to say that it probably will be easier for them than for me bc they don't have unreasonable self-expectations permanently lodged into their brain vis a vis being a third parent which is GOOD and means i've done my job halfway correctly i guess

but also WOW am i pissed off & jealous - at this rate they're going to move out before i can and that makes me want to throw things at several fucking walls

also like. i feel like i can't even bring up my plans to move out now bc my mom's already having to cope with lee's plans & associated hell stuff that comes with it and like! can't add to that

which is ironic as all fucking hell because the thing stopping me from telling my mom SO FAR has been lee's mental health things taking up all the Mental Bandwidth My Mother Possesses For Life Stressors

and my plan was that when lee was doing better i'd say something

but oops! i can't! because there's another stressor and the stressor is that lee wants to get him begone

so it FEELS LIKE not only can i not move out until even later than i'd hoped but i can't even TALK about it bc if i talk about it it makes me just a huge motherfucking asshole who is not only dumping more on mother but somehow managing to steal the spotlight from not one but TWO siblings (devin just moved into his new apt today and lee, of course, is planning to move out in 2.5 months)

and i'm mad about it even though it's not objective reality it's just a stupid dumb idiot feeling that i ahve

and my brain keeps floating the idea that i move out and lee moves out with me, and that is NOT happening bc i would hate that, i would hate that so much. i love my brother but i absolutely categorically CANNOT be the sole person looking out for him day to day i would hate it and i would die and he would not have a good time and i simply cannot be responsible for anything that happens to him, ever, even once

that's too much responsibility and i'd die of stress. and i would also resent him, like, 100%. and that would not be fair to him

so i CANNOT offer this. even though it seems kind of convenient in theory it just. noooooooooo. so i won't.

and i have this irrational fear that if i talk about moving out at the same time that he does someone is going to bring up that as an option. and i don't think anyone would - not mom, bc she wouldn't do that, and not lee either, bc i'm kind of a dick and the point here is he wants his freedom - but the fear is still there

and to conclude i will be screaming for the next 37 years

[sometimesrosy]

I am your fan 1 month I follow you and it was a light in the dark I was very frustrated with s5 and at the same time happy, I think a little because I did not recognize Bellamy in some moments and I had some moments of the Bellamy that I fell in love with, and by the fandom being toxic, I think when JR created the CL he had no idea of ​​the repercussions he would have. I've seen some assumptions that perfectly match what's on the screen, I was wondering if there's any chance of JR keeping B / E

for over half a season or even the entire season. I know the show is not selling b / e, but it still causes me discomfort when I watch 5 years since I watch the series, 5 years I wait for Bellarke and watch b / it is distressing but I still stand firm as Bellarke and I see the love story being shaped by iron and fire. But once thanks for being patient and thoughtful to Bellarke fans, thank you for the comforting and enlightening posts. Sorry for any mistake English is not my native language.

I’m glad I could help you in fandom. Don’t worry about your english, I can understand you. It was really hard in season 5. (actually it’s been really hard every season in one way or another. i guess fandom is just hard.)

From what I can see so far, the romantic story arc they are telling right now in early season 6 is C/B/E. Not b/e and not c/b. But rather how c/b is stopped because of the commitment between b/e and b/e is stopped because of the love between c/b. It’s a tangle that needs to be solved because neither ships can move forward until it is.

They have been telling it for a season and a half now. They only show us enough of B/E to make sure we understand that it’s real, but all the emotional focus goes to c/b. So can I promise they won’t keep b/e going for a half season?

I can’t promise anything, it’s not my show. But also, the way I look at it, they never HAVE done b/e. B/E would need there to be no Clarke in the middle, and from the moment we saw B/E after watching Clarke alone and pining over Bellamy and wanting him to come home, B/E has NEVER had any screen time without our knowledge of Bellarke as real and profound. 

I have never been worried about b/e because to me, it never was. It was always c/b/e. And knowing what love triangles do, this one will sort itself out into Bellarke, because they are the main ship of the show, soulmates, and she’s been calling him for 2199 days. 

So, of course this is my own interpretation of the story being told, but what I saw, of the romantic story arc, is Clarke longing for Bellamy, and being in love with him for 6 years, which was pretty explicit, I thought, and underscored with the 2199 calls, while Bellamy has been traumatized by her loss and ALSO focused on her for 2199 days. This has NOT been made explicit as love, but there have been implications that he is doing the same kind of (pathetic) longing for the fantasy of her, but he’s moved on to Echo, which is a relationship that is comforting and sweet but not as secure as one would want to see, which Echo is concerned about and Bellamy ignores. Clarke and Bellamy reunite, and their connection is immediate, but Clarke holds back and so does Bellamy and when Clarke discovers B/E she withdraws immediately and actually tries to run away. B/E becomes a part of Bellamy’s trauma as Octavia wants to banish her and then for the rest of the ep Bellamy is desperate to save her. In the end she leaves to be a good spy and he is left with Clarke, who needs his help and they begin their non-romantic partnership again, Which is the “safe” place for them to be. But they grow closer, and then choices have to be made which include deepest betrayal for both of them. Bellamy makes the choice to risk the prior love of his life, Octavia, for Clarke’s life, his relationship with Clarke for the life of all of them. Because it’s been made explicit that Clarke is who he loves, along with Echo. That is an explicit love triangle. There is no ambiguity there and the people trying to make it platonic are denying canon. Clarke leaves him to die, so, pathetic again, he decides to choose Echo and fight for his people. But Clarke, in conversation with Echo, Madi and FlameLxa recognizes that Bellamy is alive, faces her love for him, and faces the WRONGNESS of betraying the person she loves, so she reverses her decision frees Echo to save and be with Bellamy and risks Madi to do so. Notice that at the end of this, both Bellamy and Clarke have chosen B/E while Echo does not even KNOW there’s a choice to be made. But Praimfaya, instead of being about B/E which both Clarke and Bellamy have chosen, is ENTIRELY about Bellarke, and their relationship snaps back into place, as soulmates, partners and friends, aligned and on the same path towards a commitment to being the good guys.

Which brings us to season 6. In which we have reinforced that B/E are still together, but also reinforced that Clarke and Bellamy are a team, supportive of each other, and unable to keep from giving each other heart eyes. So C/B/E is reinforced. Still happening. No resolution. Both are in play, committed b/e and in love c/b. AWKWARD.

In 6.02 we bring the problem of C/B/E to the fore. First, Bellamy brings up the 2199 calls. This is to tell us that the now three season story line is important and is NOT going away. And Bellamy is ready to deal with it. Clarke is not however and runs away. The eclipse psychosis happens, b/e are separated for Echo to go do her duty… again, and Bellamy and Clarke trade keys to their hearts… I mean cuffs. Meanwhile, Echo is dealing with her solo nightmare and it’s about who she is and how she is just a good servant/spy and puts Bellamy explicitly into the role of her master, like Nia and Roan before him. This is a problem for her, but she hasn’t dealt with it yet.  Bellamy goes crazy (while trying to get in to kill echo) and says he doesn’t need Clarke anymore, despite having NEVER telling her or anyone else that he needed Clarke. (you’re over me? when were you under me?) Then he goes homicidal and attempts to kill both Murphy and Clarke, who finally remember they’re family and save each other AND Bellamy from having the horror of murdering the people he loves. HOWEVER, Bellamy wakes up and KNOWS what he’s done that he tried to murder Clarke (we’ll stick with her because that’s who he looked at horrified at the end of the episode) and told her he didn’t need her.

We also know that the 2199 calls will come up again tied to feelings, and being left to die. So there’s MORE coming. We also know that Bellamy and Clarke are going to work through her leaving him in the pit and move their relationship forward in ep3, We know Clarke will watch him leave on a mission with Echo and Octavia. So we know that ep3 will have time to address BOTH relationships, Bellarke and B/E. Which has not happened before. We know bellarke will, but we don’t know that B/E will… although with Octavia present chances are good. 

Can I be certain  that this love triangle is coming to a close? No I cannot. It’s a narrative choice. Do I see them setting it up to come to a close. Yes I do. I don’t see it getting soapy and melodramatic. THey tend to save the melodrama for trauma and death, and keep the romance simple and subtle. So do I see them suddenly having Echo and Clarke getting into a fight for ‘my mans?’ no i don’t. Clarke has already stepped back and that is in character for her. Echo is loyal and wants Bellamy to be happy, that is her character, part of that is forgiving Octavia, but when she realizes what’s happening with Bellarke, chances are she’ll step back. Especially when she’s being faced with her own issues of identity and loyalty and independence, which they have just now made explicit during the psychosis. They just gave her a reason to break up with Bellamy that has NOTHING to do with Clarke. Set up. Clarke might be the impetus for her, or not. We don’t know. Let’s find out. Yes I expect something about this mess to happen in episode 3.

#the 100 #c/b/e #bellarke #b/e #love triangle #i don't actually understand how people don't see it its very clear to me #although i can understand why people don't see the narrative arc because that's something i focus on as a writer

[alex-baebae]

Pieces of honor

Chapter 3

Many guys have been knocked out. I don’t know what time it is. “Choi vs Li” the announcement for him “good luck” I tell him smiling, he smiles me back. The fight between them was rough but Seunghyun seemed to be the one who was controlling the situation, suddenly his opponent fell.

That was the first day of the exam, now we are in a special formation. They will give us new instructions in no time, I was next to Seunghyun. “So tomorrow, you will fight with the guys next to you, only the half will be here, you can leave now”. Seunghyun looks at me immediately trying to say something, I just put my hand on his arm “let’s go” I say walking towards our car.

...

“Ahj” Seunghyun complains “it hurts” I chuckle “of course it hurts! My lovely child look what they have done to you!” Miss Liu exclaims angry. We are sitting on the big couch of the Mansion's living room, I keep cleaning my face by myself “my little princess, I can do that” she says worried about my reddish face (you know there is blood mixed with ethyl alcohol) “no, I can do it Miss Liu… better help Seunghyun, he cannot reach his back” I try to smile with my broken lips.

12pm… I’m about to go to the bed “fuck that guy really punched me hard” I say looking at my face through the big mirror on my wall, someone knocks the door. I open it “Seunghyun” I whisper, he enters quickly.

“What are you doing here? You have to rest” I give him a non-sense look “not gonna fight you tommorow” he looks into my eyes locking the door behind him “you have to! I mean we have to!” he says nothing “I don’t want to, but we have to” I add. Then I sit on my bed “but, I can’t… I… I just cannot do anything in order to hurt you” he explains “Seunghyun you know how this works, you cannot change the rules” I say before looking down thinking about my next steps “I’ll renounce then, I cannot let you do such a thing” I say firmly “but your father, your mother what about them?” he says kneeling next to me “I’ll have more opportunities but you…” he interrupts me “you’ll dishonor them”.

I want so badly to have Seunghyun by side, this is the only way… it doesn’t matter what my parents say, after all, he is the only one who I feel less miserable with.

As I told you first, I have confidence problems since I was a child, plus now that I’m an adult for my parents.... I know all the things they do for money… I just can’t carry on by myself. I need someone, maybe I’m depressed.

“Seunghyun, better leave, someone can hear us” I say trying to escape from making decisions “how many times have we been doing this? We haven’t gotten caught” he insists to be here, I can’t think well. “Sorry” is all I can say, he smiles and caress my cheeks “I have to tell you something important” he says now holding my hands “I’m...” he’s hesitating “I can’t fight you tomorrow because... I’m so fucking in love with you”.

I'm surprised as hell. I mean, it's not like I had not feelings for him, but I have been forcing myself to see him as a friend. I was worried to show him my feelings, he could reject me and I would be alone again, I don’t want to be alone as I have told you.

"I shouldn't have told you that" he says, I'm still quiet "I'm leaving" he walks towards my dorm's door "where do you go?" I shut the door which was been barely open by him, I kiss him, he holds me and returns the kiss.

"Ouch!" My lips hurt, again some blood is on them "sorry, I was so excited" he is nervous as hell "sleep with me" I asked him kissing his jaw "N-no, someone can hear us" he has his hands over my waist "so, are you afraid of it?" I tease him a little "yes, your father will tear me up in seconds" I laugh "come on! He will not do it" I kiss again the both sides of his jaws "I'm not afraid of what he could do to me, but surely I will not be able to see you again" I kiss this time his lips.

"Do to really are scared of that?" he lifts me "of course" he peppers kisses all over my neck "I have been in love so much time that, I cannot be away from you anymore" he adds "neither" I whisper.

"Then let's sleep at your place" I suggest "at my...?" He seems confused "if someone see us they'll think that I was the one looking for your love, not vice versa" he chuckles "please" I hug him tighter "my bed is not comfortable" he says "I don't mind" I say "I must leave now, see you tomorrow... My beloved one" he kisses my forehead.

I let him leave, as soon as I hear his door being closed, I walk towards my window, his dorm is not so far. I climb quickly and I get into his room, he was laying down, his eyes closed "someone could have killed you" I comment.

I don't let him respond, I attack his lips before he can even open his eyes "you are stubborn as a mule" he says between the wet kisses, he places his hands over my waist, his thumbs caressing my skin.

"I bet you like it" kisses again, now his hands touching all over my back, he reaches my neck and holds it to make me be closer to him "yeah, I didn't locked the door, but you surprised me as always" we smash or lips again, a small taste of iron is in our mouths I guess my lips are bleeding

"Let's stop, your lips are going to be all red in the morning" I smile "don't want to" I remove his shirt, he only smiles like me "have you.... Did this with another person?" He's nervous I can notice it "have I had time?" I remove my shirt, I have no bra on, he immediately blushes "no".

That was true, I mean we have been together almost 24/7 all the highschool. We assisted to the same school, sometimes the same classes, we did our homework together, the same basketball club, and my mom's trainings after school... Well we hadn't any time for 'love'.

"Well... Let's just follow the 'instructions' of our bodies" I kissed him again "I have read about this and you know...maybe you have too" while he's speaking, I took his pants off. "Let me take care of you this time" he added "you are the most injured of the both of us" I chuckle "then, do what you want".

I sit in front of him, my legs are spread, he’s closer and closer. He kisses all my body while I touch my clit as when I’m alone pleasing me, he sucks my breasts as I moan with every single touch if his hands. I lay on his bed, he climbs onto me kissing my shoulders "you're so beautiful" he whispers in my ear before he licks my earlobe "Seunghyun" I caress his back with my both hands and his legs with my feet.

He takes off my underwear, he kisses around my wetness, suddenly he licks from down to up my pussy "Seunghyun" I moan his name again, he keeps licking me with his warm tongue, I'm getting wetter. Suddenly he sucks hard my clit causing me to lift my hips to increase the contact of his mouth to my skin.

"Maybe you will like this" he turns me around, now I'm on my knees. My legs wide spread for him, he starts to eat me out again, more moans come from my throat, my legs quiver.

Seunghyun puts a finger inside me "does it hurt?" His fingers are bigger than mine I can feel it well, my pussy tights around his index finger asking for more stimuli "it feels good" he puts another one, of course it stretches me more than my two fingers I used to put in when I was needy "give me a second" I say. It hurts only a little but I want to give time to my muscles to enjoy it more. Meanwhile he’s licking my butthole and touching my clit waiting for my instructions.

I move my hips thrusting me with his fingers, he instantaneously moves them rapidly "oh, that's great" I encourage him to don't stop. "Fuck you taste so well" he turns me around again I keep my legs spread, he's intense glance is on me, he makes eye contact and sucks his fingers looking at me all the time.

Maybe he is lying, maybe he had done this with other girls and I don't blame him because some days I wanted to do it as well. He is now between my legs "can I?" I smile, I have done it with dildos, and vibrators but not with a man. So the confidence I had before starts to disappear "sure" he moved a little "is it inside?" he asked me "no it is not" I smile "shit I believed I did it correctly" I laugh now.

"You seemed to be experienced" he laughs as well "I told you that I haven't done this before" he kisses my cheek "so where have you learn what you did before" I asked curious "one day you left open an article about how to masturbate on your laptop and... you know I remember well many things" my face is all red, fortunately the light of the garden only barely illuminated us.

"Then in that web site was another article about how to masturbate a woman, and I read it of course" I laugh hard "really?" I ask "yes, I thought you liked that page a lot because there were many tabs of them opened" l kiss him "so, you have been planning to fuck with me all this time, haven't you mister Seunghyun?" he gets embarrassed "maybe..." he laughs "to tell the truth, I thought that if someday I could have this opportunity... I wanted to make you feel good".

I took his sex in my hands "wanna know what I've learned in that articles?" I joke, he chuckles "next time, baby" he puts my hands asides my head. He takes his member to be sure this time he's going to not fail, he enters slowly I moan "are you alright?" He asks me worried "yes" he goes deeper "ugh!" I moan grabbing his shoulders "I'll stop" he says. I put my legs around his waist. "No, I guess my dildos are not this big". When I was buying my toys on line, I was worried of insert big shit in me, I guess that fear is normal, so I bought the slender and smaller ones.

Seunghyun gets more embarrassed and laughs "well, that's new" he comments "hey, try to move now" I ask, he did as I said, one of his hands reaches my clit, I soon start to feel nice. Our bodies are sweating, our breaths are crashing into each other's skin, soon I felt my orgasm being built, his name is all I'm able to say...

More updates, I will always love y'all!! ❤️

I'm busy, university is getting more difficult. However I'll do my best to update in less time 💞

Love,

Alex

#daesung x reader #bigbang stories #g dragon x reader #kpop stories #kpop x reader #kpop #mafia au #t.o.p x reader #t.o.p #kpop mafia au