loulines

[loulines]

You are allowed to be angry if someone mistreats you. You’ll often hear that you should “be the bigger person” and forgive.

You have no obligation to be the “bigger person”. Your feelings of anger or otherwise being upset are valid.

[loulines]

[loulines]

by Comicname

👍

[loulines]

[loulines]

When 2023 was right around the corner, I had this desperate hope to make things better. My life was falling apart and back then I thought that 2022 was the worst year I've experienced...

... so far.

In January, I made so many plans to fix my life and to fix what was between me and people close to me. Things were still pretty terrible but at least I had HOPE and I was determined. I was like, THIS WILL BE THE YEAR WHEN MY LIFE GETS BETTER! WHEN MY DREAMS COME TRUE! I made my second attempt at bullet journaling to track my crazy mood shifts and to write motivational stuff that would help me self-soothe and control my triggers. I was doing DBT workbooks even though I was too scared to seek professional therapy. I kept telling myself that I can't fuck up again. And I didn't.

Yet my life has still shattered not long after I started working on my mental health.

I kept asking myself why, I couldn't understand it and I still really can't. I had to carry on despite wishing to never wake up nearly every day. But I think it's just how I am. I will carry on no matter how bad things are. Maybe it's a good trait.

But life was pathetic AF. The first half of 2023 was just me falling straight into the pit. I still couldn't get into therapy because I was too ashamed and my imposter syndrome was screaming at me that I'm just faking it because I still manage to sleep alright and I was doing fine at work. Even though that was what my life has become. Sleep and work. And YouTube. Well, I also continued learning Dutch but I'm really slow at it. Can't really get past A1 level. I've made countless attempts at going back to drawing but it's just a struggle nowadays. I don't feel any joy from it anymore. And I hate it because I loved doing it. I can't go back to writing either. I can't even read fics anymore. Somehow, reading about my favorite ship getting together for the 100th time and living happily after only adds salt to the wound.

The second half of the year was when I finally made attempts at stopping going downhill. Finally got the guts to start therapy, then my therapist convinced me to make my own decisions instead of letting people do it for me. I also quit my job because it sucked and I had no life outside of it.

Do I feel better? No.

Do I look forward to 2024? No.

I'm turning 30 in 2024 and I feel so pathetic I don't even know what to give myself as a gift to make myself happy. Because to be honest, absolutely nothing makes me happy anymore. I keep on living and try to enjoy things while they last but it's not pure, genuine joy. Every time I have to tell myself "this is a happy moment, enjoy it." Every other thing, on the other hand, reminds me of the times I was hurt so now I avoid my triggers like a plague. I also don't trust people at all. I'm constantly warning myself that every person who tries to befriend me is lying and they actually think I suck. I can't fit in anywhere.

I'm scared to say that 2023 was my absolute worst year because I said that about 2022 and then the next year topped it. But it fucking sucked. 2023 managed to turn all my happy memories from the year before into something that doesn't seem like it happened anymore. I'm actually trying to erase them from my memory but I don't think I ever will. I have no plans for 2024, no hopes, no dreams. Whatever happens, happens.

I'm not sure why I wrote this on my blog, I guess I just wanted to scream into the void. I'm mourning what once was, what I had and what I could do. I need to accept that those things will never come back.

#tumbleweed field #mental health #tw: suicide

[loulines]

This is a reminder that it’s okay to reach out and ask for help. It’s okay to ask for support, reassurance, validation or whatever else you might need. You don’t have to do it all on your own.

[loulines]

It's really hard to learn how to love yourself when you haven't been loved properly by other people. And the least helpful thing you can say to people in that situation is that no one can love them before they love themselves. Because self worth is something that is built and taught in healthy communities. It's not something you can be expected to master without the support of others

#I relate to this a lot because I've been told a very similar thing...

[loulines]

A lot of positivity focuses on emphasizing how you can be happy alone, or go to the movies alone, go out for dinner alone, etc.

And it’s a great message and it’s true that we absolutely should try and be comfortable alone and be able to do things alone.

But I just want to say that it’s okay to feel lonely. It’s okay to want someone to do these things with.

While it’s good to do these things alone, it’s normal to want company. We are social creatures who usually need connection. And it is absolutely okay to have feelings about that.

#my therapist actually told me that I desperately need friends and their company to survive... so uh yeah... #but maybe that's because all but one of my friends live 1000+ kilometers from me #so I barely leave my house #this past year I've been feeling EXTREMELY lonely but it's taking way too long to change it #being born in the wrong country sucks you know

[loulines]

“It’s okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again.

It’s okay to fall apart even after you had it under control.

You are not weak. Healing is messy. And there is no timeline for healing.”

[loulines]

I only have one, true wish...

For someone to beg for me to stay just as much as I've always been begging people to stay by me...

[loulines]

Working on healing my anxious attachment and tendency to overthink by taking people as they are.

When people do or say something I need to trust that that’s what they meant, not what my brain twists to be what they could have meant.

My constant desire to figure out the underlying meaning behind people’s words and actions (that most of the time isn’t there) or suss out if I’m the cause of their (to my perception) off mood is mentally exhausting.

[loulines]

Being attached to the idea of someone or something hurts more because we put even more effort to make it real. We aren't hurt about the outcome of the situation, but how much of ourselves we gave to make that situation work.

The more we invest in something, the higher the stakes become. As a result, if things don't turn out the way we hoped or expected, it can lead to a deep sense of disappointment, hurt, or even grief.

This is because we not only mourn the loss of the situation but also the parts of ourselves that we invested in it. Attachment is a natural human tendency, and it's okay to care deeply about people, goals, or dreams. However, it's also essential to strike a balance and avoid becoming excessively attached to specific outcomes.

Life is unpredictable, and not everything is within our control. Learning to let go, adapt, and find meaning and growth in the process can help mitigate the pain of attachment. Mindfulness practices and self-awareness can be valuable when navigating attachment and its associated emotions. By being aware of our feelings and motivations, we can better understand why we are so invested and whether that level of attachment is healthy.

[loulines]

The downside of therapy.

Triggers.

I've been doing better than I thought for a while. I could see some progress in some aspects, even if other aspects didn't change or got worse. But I believe there will be time for everything.

But yesterday I had another appointment, and I completely did not expect it to focus on the topic that was brought up. I mean... I did know that it would come up eventually but I was expecting the talk to go about stuff like my childhood or something.

And because of my imposter syndrome, I often believed I actually faked being triggered most of the time. But yeah no, yesterday proved to me that the things I claimed to be triggering me are indeed causing damage to my mental health upon mentioning.

Why am I writing this, btw? Simple, because I don't want to bother any of my friends in particular with this. And making it public makes me carefully pick my words so that's good.

Obviously for personal reasons I can't say what the trigger is about. But I spent half of my session talking about it because 1) I thought I needed to eventually and 2) because I love self-sabotaging myself and this is still unfortunately a form of mental s*lf-h*rm. And 3) I thought it wouldn't trigger me that much anymore because a lot of months have passed and see the impostor syndrome paragraph.

I started screaming in the car on my way home to release the anger. The last time I screamed in the car was right before my life crashed and burned. It's like poetry, it rhymes.

When I got home, all of my energy left me and I passed out before 9pm. I slept terribly because of the heatwave and because my mind was running. And when I woke up, I still felt triggered.

And now it's evening, and I'm trying not to lose my mind.

By now I know it will pass eventually. I'll be fine. My first therapy sessions were similar, I would usually feel like shit for the rest of the day but then I would notice some progress.

But I'm really close to spiraling. My old insecurities are back, the voice that I've managed to shut down for a few months is back and it's reminding me of the terrible reality in the worst, the most exaggerated way possible.

Several months ago I would've ended up with a mental breakdown that always aimed to burn everything behind me. Today I'm just letting myself cry and feel miserable while trying my hardest to stay rational. Because I know it will pass.

This is hard as fuck. But I will be fine.

#tumbleweed field

[loulines]

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Reblogs and shares are deeply appreciated and we look forward to delivering on this amazing project!

#signal boosting

[loulines]

Only TWO MORE DAYS until preorders open!!

#signal boosting

[loulines]

It’s okay to take time to mourn who you were or who you think you could have been without your disability. While we’re forced to live with it and make the best out of it, it is absolutely okay to have feelings about it and grieve for what it’s taken from you.

[loulines]

My therapist: just because you made a plan doesn’t mean you’ll always follow it perfectly, and that’s okay. It’s better to follow a plan cursorily than not at all.

Me, sobbing: THAT WAS AN OPTION???