#but if i met him now id definitely have a huge gay crush on him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theunconcernedembalmer · 3 years

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what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships.

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative.

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear.

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me.

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

#mun rambles #its me the mun #unconcerned ramblings #posting this now cos this is a question ive been getting #although this has been worded in the most unnecessarily passive aggressive way possible that i do not appreciate #im wary about all u so called social justice warriors championing this n that liberal idea when all u want to do is stir shit #thankfully i dont have much experience with this but just passively seeing all these ppl run their mouths is getting very annoying #but just know that i will not tolerate any of that bullshit here. because if u really do care about ppl as much as u say u do #then why r u attacking ppl period #ur really just hiding behind a righteous excuse to harm people. thats disgusting. i dont want u here

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morphinejunkie · 3 years

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So I saw you had answered a few asks... so I presume asks are open... so I’m going to ask about all the things my mind has wondered since I’ve been reading “Crush.”

If you have any thoughts about it, I would love to hear some Headcannons about what Matt and Mello’s past relationships were like. We know Matt was with a few girls and had an actual, long-term relationship with Amy, but what about the other relationships? What were his flings like? The same thing goes for Mello! We get peeks of him with Jamie (I think that’s what his name was, my bad if it’s not😖) and I’d like to know all about what’s going on there, how it happened, and if Mello’s had any other relationships in the past.

hello! yes, asks are totally open, i welcome them and love receiving asks about crush. thanks for all the comments!

and yes, there’s a lot of lore here, but it really didn’t make it into crush because it’s just way too much information that doesn’t have anything to do with the plot. i’ll put it behind a cut!

matt’s got a few past relationships, lots of hookups. his first girlfriend was a girl he met online through myspace back when he was around 15 and living in london, back when people would just add people randomly. her name was taylor but she went by hailey, went by hailz on msn, lived in texas, and they talked a lot on msn for a few months where he’d video chat with her, try to grow out his hair to be emo because she was scene and liked pop punk bands, etc. he even pierced his own ears for her! but hailey ended up breaking up with him so they never met. :(

matt lost his virginity to a girl named sidney, who was his roommate’s sister -- he didn’t really have much of a relationship with her and she didn’t really consider him a boyfriend or anything. but he saw her as his girlfriend and his “first love” before he met amy. she kind of broke his heart because he really liked her at the time. of course by the time we see him in crush, he doesn’t think of her much anymore.

also, when he was living in las vegas, he had a stint of sleeping around a lot with random women. mostly older women and milfs lmao, which is his like, secret thing. but shh!

amy came afterwards when he moved to phoenix -- they were together for almost a year i believe. the longest, most stable gf he’s ever had. but the two of them developed heroin addictions together, so a portion of their relationship was spent nodding out on matt’s mattress.

her parents put her in rehab, took her phone, and cut off contact on her behalf with matt. and matt just kind of... spiralled after that, and left for california. that’s the last of his relationships.

now, mello will very aggressively tell you that he “doesn’t date,” which is kind of a lie. he had a thing with a boy from wammy’s named rein, who would sell kids cigarettes and weed and was really good at picking locks. mello used to hang out in his room and smoke with him. mello never told anybody, but matt kind of guessed that they were seeing each other, so matt used to be super jealous of him even though he bought cigarettes off him because he was cool and older and played on the soccer team and mello seemed to like him a whole lot. rein ended up getting expelled a year before mello left.

anyway after mello left wammy’s house, he ended up shacking up with rein in london, they were in a brief relationship at this point too until mello stole his money, his ids and his laptop and fled to new york, leaving him behind. matt never finds out about this.

after rein though mello hasn’t had any partners. usually he would just hook up with people if the mood struck him. there was a boy at a club once who reminded him of matt, so that definitely was a fun moment. but he hasn’t really had a partner.

jamie is a hustler and mello just goes to him regularly, so it’s not exactly a romantic relationship between the two. i think that at the point that they met in crush, mello had probably been going to him for half a year or so... not long at all.

fun fact: mello used to have a huge crush on L back at wammy’s house, imagined him as looking like a marlon brando type, lmao. and we all know that mello was awfully, dreadfully in love with matt back at wammy’s house, too.

and i get asked this a lot so just clearing it up as well, matt is bisexual, mello is gay. in crush, matt has never been in a relationship with a guy, even though he’s had his own fantasies before about like celebrities and stuff (and andre). mello has never been with a woman.

i hope that answers your question!

#graciegirly06 #ask #crush

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dyscrasia-eucrasia · 4 years

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Content Warning: This chapter depicts a brief scene of attempted assault

Part 9

"What's up Claykids, welcome back to my second channel, new vlogs every single day," Clayton Howard shouted at the Go Pro he held at arm's length from his face. Angel knew he was loud based on his videos, but hadn't been prepared for just how loud he really was. It took a lot of restraint not to cringe away.

"We're here with AngelVinh96, go follow him on Insta," Clayton continued, wrapping an arm around Angel's shoulders and pulling him into frame. Angel flashed a bright smile at the camera. "Angel's here to show us how they party in West Virginia!"

"Hiiii," Angel cooed, holding up a peace sign for the camera.

"Okay, and cut," Clayton said, and he lowered the camera, his huge smile instantly disappearing. He released his hold on Angel's shoulders. "That's good for the intro, we'll start filming again when we actually get to the club."

The conversation had been like that since they'd met up. Clayton had been all business, talking about shots and directing not only his friends, but Angel as well. Angel couldn't help but feel disappointed. This was sort of what he'd expected talking to Demie to go like when he'd approached him after the concert - awkward and parasocial. But Demie had been easy to talk to. Clayton, on the other hand, was the worst kind of influencer, the kind that was purely a performance.

And he'd looked so relatable on Youtube, too.

"Alright, so where are we headed?" Clayton asked, turning to Angel. His face was so devoid of joy that it was eerie.

"Alright, so, Broadway is the big gay nightclub," Angel said. "There's Atmosphere, but they don't have a dance floor."

"Aw man, we're going to a gay club?" One of Clayton's crew moaned. Angel thought that that one was Jason Ransom, but he could've been Miller High. It was hard to tell, they were both blonde Californian white guys.

"Man, shut the fuck up," Clayton said. "You can deal with gay guys hitting on you for one night."

That was the saving grace of all this, at least. Clayton was openly bi, and even if he was just as image-obsessed as the rest of Youtube, Angel might still be able to get a hookup out of this. Plus the exposure on Youtube would really help his Instagram follower count.

"So how long have you been a dancer?" Clayton asked as they walked down the sidewalk towards the club. Angel fought back a sigh of relief. Clayton was asking him about himself, so the guy couldn't be that self-absorbed, right?

"Like four years?"

"Wow, so you're like a veteran, huh? How'd you get into it?"

"It was in college - I really, really needed money, and I mean, I did theater in high school so I already knew how to dance, just not on a pole, y'know? And then it wound up being more fun than school, so I just sort of stuck with it."

"That's dope. So, this the place?" He nodded to a two story plantation-style house, complete with columns, with rainbow flags flying from the second story balcony.

"Yep, this is Broadway."

"Cool, cool, let me get some shots."

Clayton pulled out his Go Pro again, and turned it on. As soon as he did, his face light up with a smile and he started shouting. It was eerie, like he'd flipped a switch and become a totally different person.

"Yoooo, check it out guys, this place is DOPE!"

"Look at this Colonel Sanders looking place, fam!" One of his crew shouted behind him.

"Let's go inside!" Clayton said as he ascended the porch steps. Angel followed after him, flashing his ID to the bouncer.

It was a Thursday night, so the place wasn't jam-packed, and there weren't any drag shows scheduled, but the bar still thumped with dance music and there was a decently sized crowd.

"Yo, this place is so fuckin' country, I love it," Clayton shouted over the noise as Angel led him to the bar.

"Okay, so, my tradition here is to always start out with a shot of Fireball," Angel shouted, smiling as Clayton shoved the camera in his face.

"Alright, yeah, show us how country kids party," Clayton shouted back.

Angel ordered, and within a minute the bartender produced enough shots for the entire filming crew, who had gathered around the bar. Clayton took a minute to hand off his camera to one of the guys and coordinate camera angles, then picked up a shot glass.

"Alright, on three," he shouted. "One, two, THREE!" He knocked back the shot with ease, and Angel followed suit.

Clayton's entire body shuddered, and he yelped. "Oh shit man, that's fire!" He shouted. He looked over at Angel, who hadn't had a reaction to the shot at all. "Dude, look at this fucker, look how fucking calm he is!" Clayton grabbed the camera back and shoved it in Angel's face again. "That shit was spicy as fuck, how are you not even affected?"

"That wasn't spicy!" Angel laughed. "That was like, white-people-spicy! It's not actually spicy!"

"Check this guy out," Clayton shouted, "balls of fucking steel over here!"

"C'mon, let's dance!" Angel shouted, grabbing Clayton by the strap of his tank top and pulling him towards the dance floor.

"You heard the man," Clayton shouted into the camera, before tossing it back to one of his crew.

Angel quickly learned that Clayton had no rhythm to speak of. He moved jankily; gyrating, but not in time to the music. He couldn't really keep up with Angel. Still, it was fun. Or at least that was what Angel told himself. He would've preferred someone who could actually dance, but it wasn't like Clayton was known for dancing or anything. It wasn't like he could really be disappointed.

They stayed on the dance floor for a few songs, always shadowed by one of Clayton's crew, before Angel dragged Clayton back to the bar. "Okay, we gotta get more drinks!" He shouted.

After downing another drink, they headed back to the dance floor. Clayton loosened up some, but he was still way off rhythm.

"I gotta go take a leak," he shouted after a couple more songs.

"Sure, bathroom's over there," Angel shouted, pointing.

Before he could tell what was going on, Clayton grabbed the sides of his face and brought him in for a sloppy kiss. His crew hooted in drunken frat boy-style approval.

Angel had no time to react before Clayton stumbled off the dance floor. He just stood there, stunned. Sure, he had had a crush on Clayton for ages, but this wasn't how he wanted the hookup to go down. He didn't necessarily need anything romantic, but he wanted it to at least feel like… something. Like it meant something, even if the meaning was just that they were both horny. Instead, all it felt like was that Clayton was doing it for the camera.

He walked off the dance floor, going to lean against a wall. Clayton's cameraman followed him, and Angel hated it. He wanted a chance to think, but he had to smile for the camera.

Clayton emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, and spotted Angel. He grabbed Angel's hand and practically dragged him over to a bench.

"Hey, you should dance for us," Clayton said, almost collapsing onto the bench.

"I've been dancing!" Angel laughed.

"No, like, you should give me a lapdance or something!" Clayton shouted.

"Um… I don't really do that outside of work," Angel said, laughing again, though this time it was tinged with anxiety.

"C'mon, it'll be good content!" Clayton said.

"Strip! Strip! Strip!" His cameraman started chanting.

"C'mere," Clayton yanked on Angel's hand. Angel lost his balance and stumbled, almost falling on Clayton's lap.

"Take it off!" The cameraman shouted as Clayton grabbed at Angel's shirt.

"Stop," Angel said, shoving Clayton's hand away.

"C'mon, one little lapdance," Clayton slurred, sticking a hand on Angel's crotch.

"Fuck OFF!" Angel shouted, pushing Clayton hard and standing up.

"Uh oh, made him mad," the cameraman jeered, coming in close with the Go Pro.

"Get that out of my fucking face!" Angel shouted, swatting it out of the cameraman's hand. It hit the floor with an audible crack.

"Hey, you're gonna break my camera," Clayton whined.

"Good!" Angel shouted, kicking the camera across the floor. He didn't wait for Clayton to react. He wanted out of the bar, now. He stumbled towards the door, and out into the muggy night air. He stomped down the sidewalk, in the opposite direction from where they'd all parked to get to the bar.

He accidentally hip-checked a public trash can, which wobbled, and then spilled. He let out a guttural shriek of frustration, walking away from it before anyone on the street could say anything. He rounded a corner and spotted a bus stop bench, collapsing onto it.

He bent over, his head between his knees. He felt like he was going to puke, but it never came. There was nothing in his stomach to puke up. He'd starved himself all day, hoping that he'd get to hook up.

Well, that definitely wasn't going to happen.

He fought back tears. He didn't want to cry on a public street. He fumbled in his pocket for his phone. He knew he should get an uber, but he couldn't stop himself from opening up Instagram. There, right at the top of his feed, was a picture of himself at Broadway. Clayton had posted it, and tagged him in the post. His notifications were going crazy as people began to follow his account.

He closed the app, pressing the top edge of his phone against his forehead. He wanted to throw the thing across the street, but knew better.

He felt betrayed. Not like he'd ever had any trust in Clayton - they didn't even know each other - but he'd at least figured Clayton for a good person. He guessed that was why people always said you should never meet your heroes.

He needed to talk to someone. He needed to vent. He needed someone to tell him that it would be alright, that he was more than what he made himself out to be online.

There was only one person he could think of that would do that. Or at least had the potential to do that.

He opened up the phone app and dialed a number. As always, the phone rang for a long time before it was finally picked up.

"Demie?" He asked in a shaking voice.

#writing #writers on tumblr #original fiction #gay fiction #lgbt fiction #original characters #wright's writing #w:demie and angel

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kbeesims · 4 years

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Alright, quick intro: My sister made the sims for the challenge and came up with a basic backstory for each and then I elaborated a bit more on them, but she wanted me to post them because she doesn’t really use Tumblr. So, they’re being posted on my Tumblr, but she also shared them on the gallery. So hey, look her up! Her gallery id is angel_blur.

Katt Eason and Elisha Clark for @possumsims Sapphopalooza!

First up, Katt Eason!

|| 22 || Lesbian || Human || Interested in Nichole || She/Her ||

|| Spellcraft and Sorcery || Goofball || Self-Assured || Perfectionist ||

Katt and her family have always been interested in the occult, just in very different ways. While her family was obsessed with tracking them down to destroy them, Katt wants to become one. When Katt was eight, she met her childhood best friend, Serena. They were having a playdate at Serena’s house when Serena slipped up and accidentally used magic in front of Katt. Katt was both terrified and amazed, and the next year of their friendship was good, but filled with turmoil as Katt’s family told her about how horrible occults were. But when she was around Serena and got to witness her performing magic, Katt couldn’t help but want to do the same.

But one day, Katt’s mom showed up early to pick her up and witnessed Serena performing magic while Katt was in another room. Katt was immediately dragged home and locked in her room while Katt’s mother talked to the rest of their family and began their preparations. Katt managed to sneak out of her room and call Serena’s family, giving them a warning as to what was coming.

Serena and her family managed to flee the city before Katt’s family could attack them. And since Katt hadn’t been there when Serena performed magic, she was able to convince her family that she had no idea that her best friend was a witch. Ever since then, her family has kept a close eye on her and have tried their best to teach her their ways. And while Katt has let them believe she’s completely ready to hunt- and kill- the occult, Katt’s finally broken away from her family for her own “hunt��. As in, a hunt for a way to become a witch. She’s accepted the fact that she’ll be labeled a traitor and won’t be able to see her family again, but to her, the price is worth it. Once she has magic, she’ll be able to use it against the very same people who raised her.

But why does she want to be on the Bachelorette? Well, first of all, she’s very very gay for Nichole. Like, dear god, she’s so attracted to her it hurts. And second of all, maybe by being around a ton of occults, she could find out the secret to becoming a witch.

Katt grew up with money. Like, her family lives in a huge mansion that can fit her sister, two brothers, mom and dad, aunt and uncle, and their two kids. Their family has been hunting the occult for decades and the family members who don’t usually fall into the family business: making and selling weapons. So, you know. Fun.

Her favorite song is “I Didn’t Just Kiss Her” by Jen Foster.

Her first crush was on Serena, but it was definitely a puppy love/admiration kind of crush.

Because she was being trained to kill occults throughout most of her life, Katt knows a lot about most occults. And along the same vein, she was never allowed to date until she finished her training, so she’s only been free to date for two years.

She hasn’t been in a serious relationship, but she’s done some random hookups.

When she isn’t searching or training, Katt loves to sit down with a sappy romance novel and some hot chocolate, but she’d never let anyone knows. If anyone asks, her favorite genre is mysteries.

She usually gets cash by pick-pocketing people and running scams, along with occasionally working odd jobs as she travels.

And next up is Elisha Clark!

|| 24 || Pansexual || Vampire || Interested in Either || She/Her ||

|| Master Vampire || Ambitious || Hot-Headed || Jealous ||

Elisha Clark grew up in 1900s London, England, the daughter of a merchant and his trophy wife. Elisha was greatly loved by her parents, given that she and her brother, Larkin, were the only ones to survive to adulthood out of their four siblings. Elisha was married to a wealthy man at 19, but they were never really in love. Elisha was secretly having an affair with a servant at her family home, Victoria,

One night, Elisha wasn't subtle enough and her husband witnessed her and Victoria together. He was enraged and attacked her. Victoria fought him off and killed him, but when she came back, Elisha was near death. So Victoria did the only thing she could do for her beloved: turned her.

When Elisha awoke, alive and healed, she was shocked. Especially when Victoria told her that she was a vampire and had turned Elisha. It took Elisha awhile to get over that fact, especially when paired with the news that the police believed she had murdered her husband. Elisha and Victoria fled to the United States, leaving behind their lives in London. Elisha was heartbroken from leaving her family, but it had to be done.

And now, to cover about 100 years of her life in a paragraph: she and Victoria were happy together for a few decades, but as the years passed they began to realize that they were falling out of love. They broke up amicably and are still friends. Elisha has protested in most huge civil marches and was one of the first women to join Harvard when women were allowed enroll. She loves trying out new things, whether it's getting a degree in a new major and getting a new job or playing around with somebody's heart. So when she heard through the grapevine that there was a Bachelorette challenge with two verified hotties, Elisha was definitely down. Life’s been getting a little boring lately, so why not shake it up?

Elisha's favorite career was being a lawyer in San Myshuno. She stuck with that one until it got too hard to hide the fact that she wasn't aging.

She’s got a pretty ecletic taste in music, but she’ll always have a soft spot for jazz.

Her birth name is Elsie Fredrick. She was named after her maternal grandmother. She changes it every once in a while to cover her tracks, but her first name always starts with an E in an effort to stay close to her heritage.

She never saw her parents again after she fled London, but she went back to see her brother on his deathbed. It was probably the hardest moment of her life.

She’s still got a faint British accent, but when she’s upset it tends to intensify.

Her favorite quote is from Emma Watson: “Don’t let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do, or cannot achieve. Just don’t allow it. It’s wrong. It’s so wrong. Be what you want to be- and prove them wrong.” After she escaped her husband, Elisha was determined to never be controlled by someone else ever again. Now, she’s strong and independent and does whatever the hell she wants to do.

Anyway, that’s Katt and Elisha for you! If you’ve got any questions about them, feel free to message me and I’ll pass them on to my sister.

#sims 4 bachelorette challenge #raSapphopaloozaContestant #possumsims #ts4 #thesims4 #sims4

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c-j-writes · 5 years

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Fictober 2019

Prompt #12 “What if I can’t see it?”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in some chapters

Chapter Twelve

The office was colder than I expected. It had been blisteringly hot outside today, so I thought it would be fine if I wore a tank top and shorts to my checkup. But no, this place had to be at most fifty degrees. I was sitting on my hands to keep them warm while I waited for the doctor to come talk to me. My father had work, so this checkup was thankfully solo. It was a good thing because, with the way my head was still spinning from earlier today, I didn’t think I’d be able to keep up a nonchalant facade with him.

Everything was getting too confusing. I was supposed to be leaving my relationship with Mack in the past. It was over, the less I thought about it the better. We couldn’t just go around pulling stunts like we did today and expect not to get caught. We got so lucky that no one walked in. Besides, hiding wasn’t Mack’s style and I wasn’t about to risk my entire life by coming out. That could wait for college. Or after college. Or never. Whichever was farther away.

Not to mention, I’m supposed to be Kloe’s friend. Kloe, the one who has a huge ass crush on the girl that I just made out with a few walls away from her. Also Kloe, the one who makes me forget how to speak when she looks at me. But how can I be that affected by her? Obviously she’s attractive, but it’s pretty apparent from lunch today that I’m not over Mack. So why is my heart doing this to me? And why now? I’ve gotten through three good years of this secret not being an issue, why is it becoming so hard to keep in now?

Then there was Sophie. It had been years since we’d gone this long without talking. Even over the summer, why kept up on social media and text messages. Now, it was radio silence. I didn’t want to be the one who gave in, but I had to admit, I missed having something to do after school. Somewhere to be when I was bored and lonely. Not that I’d tell her that, I was supposed to be the strong one anyway. I didn’t need anyone. She could take my status and all my so-called friends away and I’d still hold my head high.

But who was I kidding? This hurt like hell.

“Andrea Faultz?”

I snapped my attention back to the present and looked up at the doctor.

“Yeah, that’s me.” He smiled, walking in with a clipboard and a folder. He’d taken Xrays when I came in, I’d been waiting for them to develop I guess. I’m not sure how it works. He started pinning the Xrays up on the board and lit it up. “How’s it look?” I asked, squinting to try and make out where exactly the break was.

“It’s healing well, but we’ve still got a ways to go. The progress is remarkable though, you’re doing a great job taking care of it.” I grinned, swinging my legs from where they hung off of the checkup table.

“So, do you think I could get this cast off and start practicing soon?” The doctor gave me a stern look.

“Don’t let this go to your head. As I said, you’ve still got a lot of healing to do. Don’t push your luck, kid.” He gestured to the scans and continued, “But you’re on track, so a little over a month from now, you should be able to get the cast off and start physical therapy.”

“Where exactly is the break?” I was staring at the scans, but all I could see was noticeable bones and dark areas that looked normal.

“The fracture was right along here.” He ran his hand along a particular part of the bone, closer to my foot than my calf.

“What if I don’t see it?” Maybe it was my eyesight or my lack of a medical degree, but it looked completely normal to me.

“Well, I assure you, it is there. Now, let’s go over some information on your painkillers, I want to make sure you’re using them correctly.” I rolled my eyes because of course, he’d think the teenager was abusing the prescribed drugs. I mean, apparently, I was one of the only ones who didn’t regularly do illegal things like that.

The checkup took longer than I thought it would. Two hours after I walked in, I was sitting at the bus stop having missed the bus I was going to take home. The next one would be another forty-five minutes. I was lounging on the bench, scrolling through social media, when my phone started buzzing in my hand. Soon enough, the Caller ID popped up.

I shouldn’t answer it.

“Why are you calling me, Mack,” I answered it.

“I know you don’t want to talk about this or think about it, but it’s all I can think about and I can’t just keep pretending what happened between us was some dream.” I shouldn’t have answered it.

“Mack, we’ve had this conversation.”

“Yeah, then you kissed me.” She had a point. “Look, can we have this conversation in person, can I meet you somewhere?”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” It’s a terrible idea, given what happened the last time we were alone together.

“Please, don’t you trust me, Andrea?”

She pulled up to the bus stop ten minutes later. I got into the car and stared ahead. I ignored the smell of cedarwood and pine needles. I ignored her burning gaze. I ignored the gentle words that left her mouth. Okay, those I didn’t ignore, but I ignored the gentle part.

“Thank you,” she started. It was quiet. Before she continued, she merged back into traffic and started driving. I had no idea where we were going, but I guess she did because next thing I know she’s pulling onto the ramp for the interstate.

“Are you taking me somewhere to kill me and dump my body?” She laughed and I ignored the sweet sound of it.

“I thought you said you trusted me.” Technically, I just gave her my location, but I guess in a way it was an admission of trust.

“That’s not an answer to my question.” She sighed.

“I’m not going to kill you, Andrea.”

“Andy.” I definitely did not glance over to catch her smile. “Then where are we going?”

“You’ll see when we get there.” I rolled my eyes, looking back out the windshield. We drove for a few more miles until she got off at an exit that was too familiar. I kept my mouth shut as she pulled off onto a dead-end road and parked the car in front of the entrance to the pier.

“Mack,” I started, but she didn’t let me continue.

“You said this world wasn’t real. Well, here it is, real as ever.” She wasn’t looking at me anymore, she was staring ahead at the sand and the water and the blue sky.

“This can’t be my real world,” I whispered, not wanting to disturb her but knowing I had to say it. She closed her eyes and let her head fall a bit. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. We’d had this same conversation about my world and how this part of my life couldn’t fit into it. There was nothing else to debate about it, nothing that hadn’t already been debated.

“Why can’t I be real for you?” She asked, turning to look at me. “I know you’re scared about your reputation and everyone’s opinion. I know, I get it, that shit scares me every day. But I can’t let myself live by it. This is what’s real to me. How I feel about women is real to me. This summer was real to me. Staying up until the sun came out, just talking was real to me. Driving around aimlessly for miles just to be together was real to me. Waking up with you in my arms was real to me. Your eyes and everything they do to me is real to me. What those assholes back at school have to say about any of it? That’s what’s not real.”

I didn’t know I was crying until the tears were dripping down my face. Mack reached over and brushed them away with her thumbs. Then she gave me the weakest smile and I fell apart.

“I’m not forcing you to come out,” she said. “That’s not what this is. It just hurts so much to look at you and see something amazing and have you look back like you don’t even know who I am.” When I met her eyes again, I didn’t ignore how they made me feel. I fell into it. The way my stomach swirled and how my heart beat faster by the second. I let it all consume me.

And I kissed her. We were both tear-stained and emotionally wrecked, but for that moment we were together and it was okay. I kept telling myself it was only for now. It was just this moment and when we left, it would go back to normal. I’d still have my secret and we’d still be strangers in my real life. But the divide between this world and mine was getting smudged beyond repair. And let’s be honest, nothing was going to be the same.

#untitled gay mess #original story #my ocs #fictober19 #prompt 12 #she a bit short but she got the spirit #she a little late but she got the spirit

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breanime · 6 years

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What I’m Looking For

I’m doing another series! This one is separate from Bloody Secrets, and as always, I would really appreciate any feedback. The first part is mostly flashback, which is why it’s in Italics. This is pre-Anvil Billy.

(The title is from the U2 song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”, as I just recently got into U2)

*gif not mine*

Billy dreamt about you. It made sense, he had been drug to a Broadway musical and remembered how much you used to like them, how you used to brag about knowing every word. He thought back on the group home where the two of you had met; you were always so full of energy, even on days when Billy had been in a mood, you always made him laugh. His dream was half-dream and half-memory, and he lay in his expensive sheets thinking about it, about you, as the sun very slowly started to come up.

“What the hell is that?” Billy had asked, walking into the sparsely decorated room and making a face. You had been blaring some Broadway song. You were standing on your bed, wearing a tank top and bellbottom jeans, your hair was wrapped in a towel and you were enthusiastically using a hairbrush as a microphone.

“This is RENT, you uncultured swine,” you had answered, glaring down at him from your perch. “And you’re interrupting a private concert, Russo.”

“That so?” He glanced at your roommates; three of them simply had headphones on and were painting their nails or reading a magazine, one was sleeping—somehow unbothered by the loud music, and two were watching you both with interest. He smiled, biting down a laugh. “My invite get lost in the mail?”

You put your hands on your hips and made a show of thinking very hard. “You know, I think it did. My deepest apologizes, Mr. Russo, sir. I’ll fire my assistant.”

Billy laughed then, and sat on the edge of your bed. Y/N was his favorite person in the group home. He had been there for almost three years now, fresh from his nightmare at the Ray of Good Hope group home. You were three years younger than him, but you’d hit it off right away. You had an easy humor and sharp wit about you that Billy could relate to. You’d been put into the system after your grandmother had died. Your mom was an unfit drug addict and your father died when you were still a baby. Billy had memorized everything about you; you had a scar on your back, right below your neck, where your drugged-out mother had whipped you with an extension cord when you were five years old. And even though your story—like so many others—was sad and bleak, you were always joking and laughing and dancing around the home. Billy had sat back and endured the entire 2nd Act of RENT, performed entirely by Y/N for a good portion of the afternoon. You had stopped occasionally to explain to him and a few of the girls what was going on and who was who in the plot; and your energy was never ending. This portion of Billy’s dream ended with your smile—wide and bright—as you stood on the bed, bowing at your friends’ applause. You had been so little, so skinny. Billy always noticed that in his dreams of you, how thin you had been. Your skin had a few scars on it from rough housing or all-out fights in the Home, but your eyes, always so expressive, were shining.

The next part of the dream pulled from a memory a few years after that. Y/N’s first kiss. He remembered the buzz going around the Home, it was summer and quite a few of them were experiencing their first feelings of sexuality. Billy himself had lost his virginity that same month, to the daughter of a well-to-do family that had been considering adopting him. The plans were crushed, however, the day they found Billy naked in their daughter’s bedroom. Currently, he was weighing his options between two girls in the Home; both had blossomed into attractive young ladies and both were more than willing to claw each other’s eyes out for some one-on-one time with Billy. He had always been a good looking guy—“pretty”, as some would say—but he was really starting to grow into his looks now. He had grown into his height over the year and begun working out. He wasn’t ripped by any means, he preferred to stay slim, but he was definitely in shape and aware of it. So he was enjoying himself. He just hadn’t expected you to be enjoying yourself as well.

He had been getting a blowjob from one of the girls—Billy had forgotten her name—in one of the stairways in the Home. She was busy on her knees when he glanced out the window and saw you. You 13 now, and some of the boys in the Home had started to notice that you were less cute than you’d been before and were pretty now. You were still his friend Y/N, so Billy usually just ignored the other guys’ comments or just straight up shot them down. He watched then as you leaned against a tree outside. His eyes narrowed as one of the boys—Tyler—leaned close to you. Billy hadn’t noticed him at first, but he noticed now as Tyler got close. Billy watched the couple kiss while the girl was still working at him, and clenched his jaw. You were his friend, he wouldn’t have you being jerked around by some little asshole.

It only took one brief talk from Billy to convince Tyler to back off.

The next dream was of the two of you on the roof. It was nighttime, and the moon was huge in the sky. Billy was 17 then, and he had already passed all the preliminary tests to qualify for applying to the army. He was just waiting for his birthday to receive his license, ID, Social Security card, and government check to get the hell out of there and enlist. You were going to be 15 in a few days. You had cut her hair, and it curled around your neck, dark in the night. You were wearing a big grey sweatshirt and jeans. He wore a t-shirt and jeans, and was drinking from a flask he’d stolen from one of the caretakers.

“Skyler wants to throw you a party,” you had said, your hands locked around your knees. You had been looking at the moon. Skyler was another one of Billy’s (few) friends at the Home. He was a pensive kid with dark hair and dark eyes. Both you and Billy knew he was gay, and both of you promised to hold onto his secret until he was ready to come out.

“For what?” Billy asked, softly swatting your hand away when you reached for the flask. You were still a kid.

“For you, dumbass,” she had replied, “He wants to throw a goodbye party. He said the theme is going to be ‘army green’.”

Billy laughed. “That’s appropriate.” He looked over at you, you were biting your lip now. You only did that when you were nervous. “What?”

“I just…” You looked over at him now, your teeth still pulling at your lip. “I don’t know if I’m ready… to say goodbye to you.”

“S’not goodbye,” he said easily. He was well-versed in comforting you. “I’m going overseas, not to the grave.”

“You could die.”

“That’s if I even get in.”

You scoffed at that. “Of course you’re gonna get in,” you waved a hand dismissively, “You’re gonna be accepted into the Army and make all kinds of Army friends and probably make a lot of blood money and get a nice house and move away and never look back…”

“Well, here’s to hoping,” Billy had grinned and took a sip. You rolled your eyes. “You know,” he said, looking over at her, “The Army’s not the Secret Service, we can still write and call each other.”

“You’d do that?”

“Of course,” he replied, “It’s you and me, Y/N, friends forever.”

He’d missed the way you’d sighed at his statement. “Right, Russo,” you murmured, “friends.”

A few weeks later was his party. Unsurprisingly, Billy had been accepted by the Army and would be starting basic training soon. Skyler set the party up and made sure the caretakers were bribed to leave their charges alone for the night. It had been a good night. Skyler had supplied the kids with booze, most of the older girls were climbing over each other to get Billy’s attention, and everyone was having a good time. Billy had snuck away to the roof and was drinking a beer when you approached him.

Billy had remembered thinking you looked pretty and hoped no one had made a move on you that night. It would suck if he had to break someone’s nose on one of his last nights there. Over the years he’d only grown more protective of you. He knew what most people saw, what they thought when they looked at you. He’d taught you a few moves, though, to make sure you could defend yourself when he was gone. “Party not up to your standards?”

“It’s great,” you said, sitting beside him, “Just needed some air.” He didn’t say anything, just waited for you to go on. You sighed and ran a finger through your short hair—a nervous habit you’d picked up from him. “You know that new kid? Max? He tried to kiss me.”

Billy looked at you now. You were wearing a green dress and gold earrings. His eyes narrowed as he noticed you were wearing makeup, too. “And that’s not what you wanted?” He asked. He’d seen you with Max a few times that week, had even considered having a quick talk with him before he himself went off for training.

You laughed, bitterly. “Fuck off, Russo.”

“You came up here, you fuck off,” he smirked back. “This is my place.”

“It’s our place,” you corrected, “And for the record, he’s not the boy I wanted to kiss me tonight.”

That piqued his interest. Billy threw his now empty bottle off the side of the roof and turned to you, giving you his full attention. “Yeah?” He asked. “That’s why all this?” He gestured to your made-up face.

You looked down at your hands. “I know, it looks stupid…”

“No, it’s fine,” he paused, “I mean, you don’t need it, but it looks good to me.”

“Thanks, Billy,” you said, a small smile growing on your face. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“How’d you know when it was time… Y’know… To do it?”

Billy wished he’d had his beer back. He cleared his throat, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. “Uh, I don’t know. I just knew?” He glanced over to you and saw how earnestly you were staring at him. “Jesus, Y/N, you should ask one of your girl friends about this.”

“But I want your opinion,” you said seriously, “So you didn’t know, but you just knew?”

Once you repeated his explanation he had to concede, it sounded stupid. But there was no way he’d tell you—an impressionable teenager that he had just been horny the night he lost his virginity. “What,” he deflected, “you thinking about doing it with Max?”

You shook your head. “No.” You made a face, clearly thinking. “Well, maybe for practice.”

That made Billy laugh. “You’re a piece of work, you know that, Y/N?” His laugh echoed in the night when he saw you smiling back at him. “Look, just be safe and careful when you do do it, okay? And promise me you won’t sleep with anyone tonight, alright?”

“No one? Not even you?” You;d asked. Billy was suddenly aware how close and how alone the two of you were.

“Wh—are you out of your mind?” Was what came out of his mouth.

You didn’t back down. “I meant you, when I was talking about a boy kissing me. I want it to be you.” Your bright eyes were glittering in the dark, full of determination.

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen,” he said gruffly, standing up.

You followed his movement with your eyes but didn’t get up. “Why not?” He was starting to get irritated, and he was embarrassed at how calm you were.

“Because that would never happen. You’re a kid.”

“I’m 15.”

“You’re barely 15,” he countered, “and I’m not into kids.”

You decided to gloss over that comment. He’d told you about what happened to him at his previous group home. “You were younger than me when you hooked up with Kitty.” You pointed out.

“Yeah, and we were the same age.” He looked down at her and then away. “Where is this coming from, Y/N? This cause I’m leaving?”

“No,” you sounded sure, “It’s because I love you.”

Billy shut his eyes, unable to look at you when you were saying those words. He loved you too, of course—but platonically. And he’d never say it. “Stop it,” was all he said back.

“I love you,” you repeated, ignoring his demand as always, “and I’m ready to be with you.” He cursed under his breath and you sighed. “Billy, I’m serious,” you went on, “I thought about it, and you’re gonna be gone for a long time and I… want something to remember you by.”

“No,” his voice was hard, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

You gaped up at him before standing up, hands on your hips. You looked even more like the little girl he’d met years ago when you did that. “There’s nothing wrong with me. I know what I want. I want you. Do you want me?”

“No,” he answered immediately, “look at you—there’s no way!” He’d meant it as ‘look at you, I’ve known you since you were a kid’, but he knew you’d taken it differently. Your eyes welled up with tears, but he continued anyway. “I want you to get this in your head and fucking listen to me, okay: I would never fucking do…that—do anything with you.”

“But I lo—” You began.

“Stop,” he interrupted, “don’t… Don’t say that shit to me.” He turned to you then, angry and embarrassed. “Go inside and wipe that shit off your face,” he ordered you. He didn’t wait to see if you listened, he left the roof quickly after that.

In fact, he left the Group Home.

Billy put his hand behind his head, thinking back on his dreams of you. The girl he’d gone to the Broadway show with had been the opposite of you; blonde, born into money, woefully boring. She hadn’t even liked the show she made him go to. He was in-between deployments and had nothing to do. That, coupled with the Broadway show, was why he was thinking of you, he reasoned. He reached for his phone and saw that it was nearly noon. He got up, and made a quick decision. This was the 12th dream he’d had about you in the last month. He sent a quick text to Frank, telling him to let Maria and the kids know he’d be by later that day, and got dressed. He may not be an active Marine at the moment, but he had himself a mission.

****************************************************************************************

Please let me know what you think, if you’d like to be tagged in this series, and if I should post the next part. (I’m still doing Bloody Secrets, of course, so no worries if you’re waiting on an update for that one!)

Thank for reading!

#Billy Russo #Billy Russo x reader #Billy Russo imagine #the punisher #what i'm looking for

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engineeringnovels · 7 years

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Stay or Go

I keep nervously checking between my phone and the large digital clock mounted above the bathrooms, sitting on this metal chair inside Terminal 4. I should be used to airports by now. They’re mini-cities whose citizens I’ll never see again. I suppose that’s a good thing since I’ll totally make a fool out of myself and these people won’t remember long enough to hound me about it for months on end.I’m struggling to keep my eyes open after waking up early to catch the train to get here. Still, watching the people come and go, it makes me miss flying a little bit. I probably spent a good portion of my life in the air travelling from country to country.

Today’s different though. I actually do care about looking stupid in front of one person. My boyfriend Geoff, if I could even call him that, is finally coming to visit me. I met him on the internet on one of many online communities. Over the summer, we finally started talking, got close and now, we’re in this really weird zone of dating in practice, but we’re not officially a thing. Geoff’s cool with the whole officially-labelling-each-other thing, but I’m a little hesitant. I mean, this is the first time I’m meeting the guy. I’m hoping by the time he flies back, I’ll have a definitive answer.

My butt starts getting numb from sitting. I start pacing from one end of the terminal to the other. I check my phone again. Still nothing. I turn to the clock again. Eleven ten... He should’ve landed by now.

Bzzz! My heart jumps thinking it’s Geoff. When I look at my screen, I see James on my caller id. I almost throw my phone across the terminal. James is a close friend I met in college. We study together because college is tough. However, studying led to getting lunch, and getting lunch led to hanging out, and hanging out eventually led to him developing a crush on me. I probably should’ve told James about Geoff the minute I suspected that he had a thing for me, but I didn’t want to explain the whole long distance thing to him. We’re good now, but he took those first couple months pretty hard.

“Hello?” I ask with just a hint of irritation in my voice.

“Hey, do you need your fried chicken fix?”

A tiny smile breaks on my face. That’s our code to hang out since fried chicken’s like the cure all to most of my problems, but I think this situation calls for something a lot stronger than fried chicken.

“I could really use some fried chicken right now, but I can’t hang out. I’m actually at the airport,” I reply.

“I was wondering what all that background chatter was. Is your dad visiting again or something?”

I pause for a moment, hesitating whether I should tell James about Geoff. I know exactly how he’s going to react. He always gets weird when I start talking about Geoff. Eh, he’s a big boy. I don’t have to hide things from him.

“No, I’m actually waiting for Geoff to land.”

“Oh…” He pauses for what seems to be forever. “So, the long awaited day has arrived,” he says excitedly, but with a not so subtle solemn tone.

“I guess…”

“When’s he supposed to land?”

“Eleven.”

“It’s almost eleven fifteen!”

“I know that! You don’t have to remind me!” I exclaim with a hostile voice.

“Sorry… How are you feeling?”

“Anxious beyond comprehension.”

“I would be too in your shoes.”

“I mean, what if he doesn’t like me?”

“Are you seriously asking that question right now?” James asks dumbfounded. “He just flew five hours just to see you!”

“I don’t know. What if I freak him out? I told you he’s a really anxious person!”

James let out a sigh. “Do me a favor, find a place to sit down, if you aren’t already, and take some deep breaths.

My original spot had been taken by a middle aged woman watching over her sleeping infant in a stroller and all the other empty spots are quickly taken by other people. I find a quiet corner, sit on the floor, and take a few deep breaths. My muscles relax and my breathing slows.

Bzzz! I unlock my phone again. One new message from Geoff. Just when I think I calmed down, the anxiety returns ten times worse. I quickly open the message.

Geoff: Just landed. I’ll see you soon.

My heart leaps into my mouth, pounding like a jackhammer..My breathing becomes shallow and jagged. I start hyperventilating. I feel like I’m dying. I need to get out of here.

“Hey! Hey! Breathe!” James reminds me over the phone hearing my panicked state.

“Geoff just landed! This is actually happening!”

“Dude chill! If you start freaking out, he’ll start freaking out. Here, I got something to help you out. Do you have some headphones?”

I shove my hand in my pocket feeling the familiar feeling of those infernal wires eternally tangled despite the fact they were neatly wrapped when I put them there earlier. “Yeah,” I reply with a shaky voice.

“Plug them into your phone so you can hear this better.”

I follow James’ instructions. The snug earbuds muffle the background noise. Next thing I know, my favorite song starts playing over the call. It’s some pretty shit quality, but I can still hear everything. I close my eyes allowing myself to get lost in the music quietly singing the lyrics in the middle of the busy airport. When the song finally ends, I’m back to normal. Still nervous as hell, but not crippled.

“You good now?” James asks softly.

I take a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Remember when I asked you what you would do when you finally met Geoff?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you remember your answer?”

“Not really…”

“You said that you wanted him to get used to being around you and for you to get used to being around him. That’s not going to happen unless you get accustomed to the idea that he’s breathing the same air as you.”

“Ugh! You’re being melodramatic!” I hate James’ melodrama. I was never really all that comfortable with genuine emotions and his attempts to get me to do things emotionally always irked me.

“Will you shut up about me for two seconds?!” He snaps. “You really like this guy right? Hell, you turned me down for him despite the fact he lives on the other side of the continent!”

“This isn’t about you!”

“You’re right! This is about you!” James pauses for a moment. “As much as you don’t want to admit it, this is a huge fucking deal. You are meeting some stranger for the first time.”

“Geoff’s not a stranger…”

“Oh? Tell me this then, do you know how he walks or how he smells? Do you know how tightly he hugs or the way his palm feels?”

“Those are some weirdly intimate questions…”

“Not the point. If you can’t answer that, then he’s still a stranger.” James sharply sighs. “You can’t let fear hold you back anymore. You have an opportunity in front of you most people would kill for; myself included. So, stop being a little bitch, and man the fuck up!”

Those last words rattle around in my head. For once, he’s right. I’ve always had this crippling fear of rejection and I’m terrified that Geoff won’t accept me for who I am, not just the sad lonely little shit I am, but all my weird mannerisms too. Geoff makes me feel wanted and supported. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me want to puke. But, James’ right. I need to give this a chance.

“You’re still being melodramatic, but you’re right,” I reply standing back up on my feet putting my headphones away. I breathe deeply a few times before walking over to the belt barrier where a small group of eager people started gathering. The passengers from the plane stand by the baggage carousel waiting for their luggage. “Hey, thanks for calling. I’d still be seriously freaking out if it wasn’t for you.”

“Don’t worry about it. You deserve this.”

“Stop… I already feel like I’m going to hurl without your comments.”

James chuckles. “Maybe one day I’ll actually be in your shoes, knee deep in all this gay shit.”

“The girl you end up with is going to be lucky to have a sweet guy like you.”

“Yeah, yeah…” James says in the most disappointed tone I’ve ever heard.

I catch a glimpse of Geoff among the dozens of people around, uncomfortably standing apart from the rest of the passengers. “He looks so much more precious in person,” I fawn completely forgetting that James’ on the other end.

“Alright, I’m going to hang up before I start puking.”

“Wait,” I quickly follow up still hesitant about something. “Do you remember what I said Geoff and I were going to do when we met each other?”

“Yes…” James answers regretfully.

“What happens if we really don’t connect and he wants me to spend the night in his hotel room? I can crash at a friend’s in the meantime, but I don’t want him to get super depressed. If he asks, do I stay or do I go?”

“Right now, you shouldn’t have to worry about that. You’ll know the answer when the moment comes. Stay or go, it’s your choice. It’s your life. Just remember, that you’ll remember that choice you made. Be sure that you won’t end up regretting it later,” James reassures me.

Geoff finally grabs his luggage. He searches the crowd for my face and finds it behind the belt barricade. As our eyes meet, smiles stretching from ear to ear both simultaneously appear on our faces. He walks toward me with a quickened pace. I can see he’s trying to put on a confident facade, but he’s not even walking in step. Seeing that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl.

“He’s coming over here. I got to go,” I say in rapid succession.

“Good luck. Let me know what happens; just leave out the more... intimate details ok?” James requests.

“I will. Bye.”

“Peace.”

I hang up just as Geoff crosses the barrier. I just want to jump into his arms and figure out how he smells, how tight he hugs. I’m not one for hugs, or physical contact in general; but with him, I don’t care. I stick my hand out. He shakes my hand with a firm but gentle grip. His palm’s soft, smooth, slightly bigger than mine, and a little sweaty… Or maybe that’s just my hand…

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” I greet kindly.

Geoff answers in the sweetest tone, “Pleasure’s all mine.”

#shortstory #quotes #love #an excerpt from a book i'll never write #writing

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fluffyfoxo · 6 years

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My Genderfluidity, dysphoria (or lack thereof,) and sexuality

I am genderfluid/FTM trans, and panromantic/sexual, as some of you may know. Most people, including some trans folks, think that you *HAVE* to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria in order to be trans. That's a damn lie. Unless you want to transition, you don't necessarily need to experience dysphoria. (Sidenote: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TRANSITION IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO. I have seen posts on Reddit and videos from trans Youtubers saying that you're not trans unless you transition. You are most definitely trans without transitioning. It's your body, and if you are comfortable enough with it and don't want to change it, that's perfectly ok. You're no less of a man/woman just because you don't physically look like one.)

Back to myself and my own experiences. Honestly, since kindergarten, I was asked if I was a boy or girl, which has stopped since puberty. I would get nervous and just ignore the question because my answer to that was legitimately "I'm neither." I grew up in a small town in southeastern Georgia, so any talk of gender and sexuality other than biological and heterosexuality was unheard of, especially for a six-year-old. I never really experienced dysphoria until the small bursts of it recently.

My sexuality was something that I never really figured out. My first relationship was a heterosexual one and it lasted around two years. It was, needless to say, uncomfortable. The guy was pretty much just settling for me because he couldn't get this other chick, but it was more than that. It was uncomfortable because I had a small crush on my best friend at the time, who was female. I eventually got over that, thankfully. My ex and I broke up early into freshman year.

I realized I was either bi or pan on the band bus my freshman year of marching band. That story isn't important. What is important is that I was fucking terrified of this huge crush I had on this girl. Again, growing up in my town, you didn't really come out unless you weren't afraid of being sent to "conversion camp", kicked out, or disowned. It wasn't an entirely conservative town, but many folks were Christians, making it hard to come out without fear of persecution.

When I moved, I met my ex-girlfriend, who was definitely the best thing to happen to me. At that time, I was sort of struggling with gender identity more than I had been, as I could actually be who I felt I was; I didn't have to pretend I was a girl here. I fucked up for that year and pretended I was female. I entered the relationship with my ex pretending to be something I wasn't, and I think half of it was because she was gay and I was afraid that if I told her I was genderfluid/FTM, I would lose her. It was extremely fucking selfish of me, but hey, shit happens. We broke up with no hard feelings; she just didn't feel comfortable in a relationship. Damn if I don't miss her though.

I met a small bean boi in band, and they're a great boi. When I met them, I realized things. 1) Damn, a furry boi! and 2) Wait, you mean I don't have to hide here? That boi right there actually helped a huge bunch in coming out, even if I did it only recently.

I came out in the pharmacy section of a Walmart on August 13th, 2018. Have a paraphrased conversation.

Mom- "your dad said you told him you're a boy and he told everyone."

Me- "He can tell everyone but not mention anything about it to me? Anyway, I'm not entirely male. I am agender/genderfluid. I basically feel as if I don't have a gender at all or that I am a dude. I am also pansexual, meaning I want to have sex with pans." (I did not say that).

My mom didn't reply and hasn't brought it up. My stepdad says some pretty rude shit about it but fuck you too.

Recently, I have found that I may be either demisexual/panromantic or asexual/panromantic. The though of sex doesn't bother me, in fact the opposite, but only in certain situations. It's really confusing but honestly I just wanna fucking cuddle.

Back to dysphoria. I haven't experienced it enough to actually say what it's like. I hate my chest. It feels wrong sometimes, like now. Why must I be cursed with a feminine chest? Why can't I look androgynous? Other areas aren't as bad, sure, a dick would be great, especially since I lean heavily on the gay side of panromancity/sexuality, but having absolutely nothing there would be fine as well. Binding is fucking hard when you can't get a binder. DO. NOT. BIND. WITH. BANDAGES AT ALL AND LIMIT THE SPORTS BRA METHOD TO LESS THAN 10 HOURS. DYSPHORIA MAY BE FUCKING DIFFICULT, BUT ID RATHER YOU LIVE WITH DISCOMFORT THAN HARM YOURSELVES.

Anyway, there is my long ass story of who I am. Well, who I am outside being a being of fucking garbage.

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