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gaylonelydyke · 3 years

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if it’s not too late, 12 for episodes and ships, and 17!

its never too late! thankyou for the ask 🥰 oo damn this is gonna be a hefty one, just to prepare you this is gonna be long 😅😅😅

spoiler alert for my friends who are finishing up season 2 rn, be careful if you look at my top five episodes, pay attention the the episode numbers, i will put [ ] in bold at the beginning and end of spoilers!

12. Top 5 ships

5. faith x myself because have you seen faith? shes such a babe! spare consensual kiss maam?

4. willow x oz, i dont know if this is an unpopular or not but i feel like if the 90s had been more accepting of term then willow wouldve been bisexual, but like even now tv shows will rarely let characters say that word :( but anyway i love them! theyre both quirky and kinda awkward but its such a sweet relationship and you really see how they go from awkward crushes to an actual deep relationship, oz is one of my favourite characters too what a dude!

3. giles x jenny, mlmxwlw solidarity in this bisexual couple! there is no an ounce of straight between them and i love it, i love their dynamic, i love that giles *respects women* (im staring daggers at xander rn), also the original girlboss x malewife couple askdjaksjhd

2. drusilla x spike, these two!!!!!! once again a bisexual couple with zero straight between them, the vibes are off the charts. sexy vampires, goth x punk love, i just love them man, and their relationship is so interesting to delve into. like theyre vampires, theyre soulless and yet they have a capacity for love, they care deeply for eachother, theyre so tender towards eachother in season 2 in the way they take turns to care for one another, also drusilla picking spike up with one hand made me gay and thats on that

1. willow x tara!!!!! lesbians man lesbians! they have a beautiful relationship, until a certain point wink wink, they feel like a perfect match, willows become more outgoing due to buffy and xander snd having a proper group of friends, so its cool to see her as the more outgoing independant one in the relationship, and tara is such a honey 🥺 the biggest sweetheart in the world what a babe!!!! also like how groundbreaking was their relationship? as a queer couple, they had p much the dame amount of screentime as a aueer relationship today! and willow says the word lesbian so many times and is always making gay jokes which is something shows today are too scared to do, its honestly refreshing which is weird for a show in the 90/00s

12. Top 5 episodes

this is so hard because its such a damn good show so i had to rlly be picky about this but here we go

5. 6x22 ‘grave’- i watched buffy for the first time last year at work coz i worked with one other person just packing shit, and THIS was the episode that made us cry infront of eachother. the scene with willow and xander at the end is one of my all time favourite scenes and like legit we were watching and we starting going like ha.. this is so sad Q_Q and we looked at eachother and we were both crying akdjdjsjdhs its SO GOOD, like this is a friendship ive been so invested in and [seeing xander be able to pull her back from that dark place was so heart wrenching and amazing god its so good]

4. 3x12 ‘helpless’ - im finishing up s2 in my rewatch rn so i havent rewatched this one to double check but i remember loving it man. buffys father daughter relationship with giles is my favourite of the whole show they make my heart ache, so i love that this is an episode that really shows you how dedicated giles is to her, [its the breaking point where he finally disregards the fact that hes a watcher and acts as her father once and for all, its a turning point for their relationship where he is finally embracing the fact that shes like a daughter to him and i just love to see it Q_Q get you a dad who will leave his lifes calling for you]

3. 4x22 ‘restless’ - season 4 is interesting coz it has really good episodes and them some gd awful ones 😂😂 but this one just blew me away, i love a good character study episode and this is THE SHIT! its so weird and creepy but in the most perfect way, its not on the nose its so subtle, it feels like an uncanny valley version of buffy almost, i like that they finished the season first and then took this episode to do something out of the box and different i feel like it lets them fully explore this idea without the pressure of needing plot included. [also the cheese man is iconic. dont however like xander being all nasty with willow and tara but whats new there man]

2. 1x12 ‘The Prophecy Girl’ - for my first watch of buffy i wasnt that into the first season, like i enjoyed it but i didnt think it was anything super special? but this episode changed EVERYTHING for me. up until now buffy had been fun, witty, charming, but not anything new atleast for me, maybe in the 90s it was but right now its your average teen supernatural show. but this episode!!!! the emotion! buffy facing her death, her speech about how shes just 16 and shes scared and she doesnt want to die, that is what i wanna see!! its heartbreaking and it made me cry, and then it gives us the wonderful moment of giles trying to take her place and buffy realising that she has to be the one to do it, man its so good! basically anything with buffy and giles being a duo is gonna make it an automatic yes from me and this is indeed the case for this episode, i just love that the show remembers that shes a child! shes not brave all the time, shes not strong all the time, shes just doing her best and sometimes its overwhelming, 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 i bow to this episode

1. 2x17 ‘passion’ - i know i just sang praises about prophecy girl but THIS EPISODE IS THE SHIT, the best episode full stop. i wont accept any argument. angel is probably my favourite big bad, its so funny to see plain bread, mopey brooding angel become this charismatic, funny, poetic, blood thirsty angelus, hes everything i want in a villain and in this episode he delivers! rip jenny tho love her. i think the tension built around angel is so good, because of his drawings and notes left around, every scene youre worrying like is he here now? are they safe or what? its so tense! and also it is me and im a slag for buffy x giles father daughter moments and this episode fucking delivers! giles discovering jennys dead body is probably one of the best scenes on the show, the dramatic irony is heAVY, we know jenny is dead, we know that these flowers arent from her, but giles is so so happy, and i want to see him happy but you just know somehing horrific is about to happen and damn does it. its a masterpiece! i love jenny and giles so much it is so sad, but also the fact that it gave us that scene makes me almmmoost ok with it? i also love the moment where giles breaks down in buffys arms, hes been there for her and now shes returning the favour and hes accepting it i just 😭😭😭 also on a different note, angels narration of this episode is amazing! it gives us great insight to who he is as “evil angel” and like even though hes awful i was also kind of rooting for him coz hes just such a great villain

sorry this is so long lmao, last question!

17. Which characer do you wish had less of a focus on them in the show?

i dont wanna get yelled at butttttt i dont like the amount of focus on dawn. i think it makes sense for the her first season considering the story arc but that season really does double down its focus onto dawn and buffy and it barely leaves room for anyone else to have a storyline, it keeps the episodes super depressing too its like a constant level of just sadness the whole time because we’re so stuck in THEIR arc, theres no room to balance it out and have a breather, some people might like that its more serious but i really really didnt like, i love episodes like prophecy girl where it is campy and brings the more emotional notes in when the time comes, but dawns whole arc is just constantly depressing the whole time i just hate it, and also just shes not a character i felt i could connect to because of how suddenly shes introduced, so its weird to have her SO focused on in the first half of that season coz we dont know her yet so i feel like the emotional moments dont land the way that they should? basically they shouldve eased us into dawn or introduced her differently and maybe i would like her enough to want the focus on her but i really just dont

adksjakjshd apologies for the essay this is, thanks for the ask!

#btvs #buffy the vampire slayer #why did i write a paragraph for everything im so sorry #i wish i knew how to add a read more link but i dont on mobile #my post #dawn fans please dont murder me #i dont hate her i just dont like her yanno #i am scared people are gonna hate me for not liking her but we all have our tastes

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dotsayers · 3 years

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20 Questions: Writer’s Edition

tagged by the beloved @myrmidryad

this is a LONG one so here’s a cut to avoid do you love the colour of the sky syndrome

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

101 after a recent purge... no one may know about my Past

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

329004! used to be about 350k but again... purge

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

on ao3 i’ve written for (chronologically) doctor who, skyfall, discworld, les mis, star trek, lord peter wimsey, marvel (various), in the flesh, red vs blue, roosterteeth rpf, check please, hockey rpf, star wars, daredevil, rivers of london, dishonored, emmerdale, dirk gently, holby city, hot fuzz, kj charles, guardian, the covert captain, taskmaster rpf, good omens, ghosts, roswell new mexico, leverage, schitt’s creek, the magicians, 9-1-1, it chapter two, the magnus archives, the old guard, the mandalorian, the ritual, the locked tomb

way back on the pit of voles i wrote for twilight, harry potter, hetalia and xmen first class. and on the newsround chatrooms i wrote exclusively harry potter fic about my oc neville and luna’s daughter

as you can tell i am not prone to staying in one fandom writing wise, i tend to end up with one complete fic and seven abandoned wips concealed deep in my google drive

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

finally see what it means to be living (captain marvel, carol/maria, i really hit the zeitgeist with this one i think i was something like the fifth fic in the ship tag)

do whatever you think (the magnus archives, this series is actually #2-7, then #8 #9 and #11 for me so i’m going to cheat a bit)

standing in a world of my own (daredevil, matt/foggy/karen, another zeitgeist hit! really miss writing for daredevil actually... it’s a perennial fave)

a winding road that stretches towards the truth (iron man, tony/rhodey, i STILL don’t know when this got so many kudos. i swear i looked away when it was at 100 and suddenly it ended up here)

where the long shadows grow (star trek aos, kirk prime/spock prime, thank god some people are checking the prime kirkspock tag is all i’m saying!)

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

i don’t really Do angsty endings... possibly a blanket of stars just because i ended it on something of a cliffhanger and then completely zoned out of rnm for long enough that i forgot where i was going with it. there was definitely the intention of fixing things but then i just... did not do that. and now the show is on s3 and i’m over a season behind! life comes at you fast

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

where the long shadows grow, because it reunited kirk prime and spock prime and they DESERVE TO BE HAPPYYYY. i’m a complete sucker for presumed dead/back from the dead stories, actually, so on a similar theme i have two (TWO) daredevil fics which follow the trope, one about ray coming back post-s2 (might never be normal again) and one about foggy and matt reuniting post-endgame (in the corner, taking up space). this is the only time i will ever acknowledge endgame ever again

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

i do write crossovers! in fact i am often roundly mocked by my friends for the increasingly esoteric nature of my crossovers. way back in secondary i wrote a twilight/labyrinth crossover where angela was sarah and jareth’s daughter because i had a massive crush on a girl who liked both twilight and labyrinth. however, since that has been comprehensively scrubbed from the internet, i think my craziest crossover is probably part three of ‘traced upon the skies’, already an esoteric crossover of rivers of london and hot fuzz, when i added in a crossover with the horror movie ‘the ritual’ just because i wanted rafe spall’s character to be happy

8. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

EXTREMELY rarely and only with extreme embarrassment. i will not be any more specific than that

9. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

i used to really struggle with doing this, to the point that i had over 300 comments just. lingering in my inbox unanswered. so i decided to give those up and just commit to answering them from then on, which has been working fairly well for about a year and a half now. i love getting comments but i get overwhelmed really easily and struggle with replying in a way which feels meaningful without getting in my head about it!

10. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

yes lmao it was for a harry potter fic on ff.net where harry got sorted into hufflepuff instead of gryffindor. it wasn’t a very good fic but i think the fact it was clearly written by an 11 year old should have scared off at least some of the less flattering comments.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don’t... think so? i don’t know how i’d find out to be honest, my vanity googling is rarely very effective

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! as bronze may be much beautified (skyfall, mallory/bond) got translated into chinese, i was extremely pleased. i think it’s mandarin but the ao3 page for the translation doesn’t say and my mandarin is.................. extremely poor

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

also yes! me and jess little-smartass have written a lot together, although only our star trek/les mis series has been published, more’s the pity. we spent a lot of les mis fandom time workshopping aus and we were always extremely correct about all of it, imo

14. What’s your all time favourite ship to write for?

oh god. i think probably kirk/spock, although there’s some recency bias to that since i reread space manhattans recently and was reminded of my love for them. i really like writing jon/martin but i’ve mostly done that from outsider pov which is a bit different to writing shipfic, i think. joe/nicky from tog was also something i really liked writing but i struggle with plotting longer fic with them

15. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

i recently went through my abandoned fic folder so i actually have a few options for this. the obvious choice would be ‘any of the hockey ones’ but i did delete most of those just for my sanity. more recently i started writing a vaguely smutty pre-the thing mac/fuchs fic for alex @milkdrinker5000 which i really WANT to finish but am struggling with. most obscure answer (even beyond the thing) and most likely to remain unfinished is the insanely in depth post-tog booker/copley fic i had planned out back in about october. i wrote a good 6-7k of that one and then i realised it was going to be, like, difficult, and decided if i was going to put that much work into something it may as well be the novel im meant to be writing

16. What are your writing strengths?

once a friend told me i had an excellent facility for dialogue and ive thought about it every time i write ever since. i love writing dialogue and i think i’m good at knowing what sounds ic and what is right out.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

one of the things i struggled with for a really long time, and honestly still have trouble with, is depicting action in words. once i wrote a hockey fic which featured multiple hockey games and i spent probably four times as much effort editing those to make sense and be interesting that i’ve ever done on a talkier scene.

18. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i’ve done it but only when i knew more or less what i was talking about - i did italian at school so i felt confident using it for nicky in something particular and real. i try not to italicise when i drop in words from other languages, which is what i usually do when i’m using a language i haven’t studied in depth (for example, joe’s use of arabic in some of my fic), and to only use words which i’ve heard used by native speakers in that context. i think if you don’t feel confident using another language, generally speaking, you shouldn’t do it. and for god’s sake don’t use google translate for a full sentence

19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

harry potter on the newsround chatboards. ariana lovegood-longbottom my sweet child

20. What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

this used to be an easy question because hands down the fic i was proudest of on posting it was i’ll be seeing you. i spent a year and a half on research and writing! but these days i do cringe a little at my hockey fic, and i think i’m prouder of some of my shorter works. let’s do a curveball and say layer on layer, down on down, which is my favourite of my rnm fics and the one i like most from a narrative voice perspective. getting michael right was stressful and i’m still proud i got it down for a TIME LOOP FIC, my absolute favourite trope

tagging @little-smartass and @leescoresbies just in case they want to try this

#gin i can't BELIEVE you wrote for xiaolin showdown. iconic #text post tag #tagged in #writing tag

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randomsevans · 4 years

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Pain of being in love part 3

Original apart of @jtargaryen18 #30daysofchris2020

Two weeks had dragged by as you felt like an empty shell going day by day . You hadn't spoken to anyone apart form Scott ,you haven't left the house unless it was for a good reason. You would constantly forget to eat so Scott became like your own personal chief.

And all this because the time had finally arrived where your love for chris was outshone by his own love for someone else .

Scott had told you that Lisa and Minka have been planning a engagement party much to chris dislike as he sees the announcement as an engagement party .

Chris had tried to call you but you always let it go to voice mail as it was probably an invitation to the party next Saturday. You really didnt want to go . The pain in your heart was begaing you not to as it cant take anymore hurt . But you knew as being the brothers best friend and a family friend you need to go . Because as much as it hurt you . You know that this will make Chris happy and you need to be happy for him even tho you are dying inside .

++++++++++++

It was the day before the party so the Friday and some how Scott had managed to get you out of your bed and house only to be in his house on his couch . Currently eating too much mint chocolate chip ice cream along with this stuiped movie Scott forced you to watch

Love Rosie .

"How fuckin ironic "

You knew that Scott put picked this movie on purpose . Whether it was for the both of you to make fun or the movie like you usual do or let you watch it because it was so fuckin relatable. Either way you too had ended up watching the movie in silence with a few mumbles about food or if one was getting up or not and even a giggle or two when Rosie was struggling with a new born .

It had got to the part of the wedding and oh by god how you related to it . Rosie speech on how she loves him no matter where he is or who hes with .. your heart was yelling someone gets it . You were stuck in your own your head focusing on Rosie words until Scott spoke up.

"How ?" He ask

"What ? " you were confused and faced him as he faced you turning his body as the movie played in the back ground .

"How , when, why ?" He stared directly into your eyes with the soft blue shade he shares with his brother

"What ? " you asked again

"When did you begin to have feeling for my brother and why ... and how much because not to be mean but iv never seen you like this not ever so his engagement clear has affected you " he said softly

You hadn't yet actually spoken the words I love your brother to Scott or I'm in love with him to be more exact but Scott had guest it never asked about it until now .

You were silent for a moment thinking ... well more like your head was empty of thoughts you just liked the silence.

"Who said I have feeling.... "

"Y/n " Scott cut you off

You shift in your seat turning to face Scott legs cross over each other and hands in your lap looking down .

"I .. I had always had a crush on him you know ... who didnt " scott hummed in agreement

"But do you remember that day when I...was ment to have my first date but he never showed up "

Once again Scott hummed

"Well Chris picked me up... and he tried cheering me up .. and it worked "

You glanced up a Scott who looked softly at you as your eyes hot glassy . You looked back down to your hands as there stared nervously fiddling with the ends of the blanket that was wrapped around you.

"Well we were at a dinner ... and do you know in movies it like you have loved someone and you always new . Well it wasnt like that ... "

You took a deep breath.

"I hit me .. like a truck ... he was sitting at the other side of the table... and it hit me everything flooded I... love him but not just that . Because I love you ."

That caused Scott to scoffed as if ' I know you do who doesnt '

"It was more ... well more like a different type of love ... or more like . I was in love in love with him ."

You glance up at the ceiling letting the tears sink back into your eyes as you shake your head .

"I AM in love with him "

You looked at Scott who now had tears in his eyes ..and red showing he was trying to hold them back .

"And I think I always will . "

You were both silent for a seconde

"No matter where he is ... or who hes with a will always love him "

That caused you both to giggle as you made your way into Scotts open arms

"Quoting are we " he chuckled as your head landed on his chest as his arms wrapped around you .

"Well you know me "

You heard him sniff as you felt a tear drop into your hair .

"Oh .. god ... how have you kept it in for so long... that was like ... .... we were 14 or 15 fuck how ? Why ?" He said softly as tears clouded his voice .

"I didnt say anything or do anything because he will never and has never felt the same I'm... im like a sister to him ...in a weird way... and I'd never deserve him ....."

You left your head and looked at Scott .

"And at the same time I realised iam in love with him I also knew nothing would become of it because... " tears bow fell down your eyes .

"Because it was better to have both of you in my life then not to have neither of you ... and I wasnt willing to risk it ..... and I knew ... I knew this time would come .... but it dosnt stop .... it doesn't stop it hurting " you couldn't help but let it all out as you tucked your self back into Scott

He placed a kiss in your hair

"Your a silly one ain't ya ..... I will always be here you know that " he said softly

"You do know that right ?"

You just nodded as your tears drained his shirt .

++++++++++

You stood at Lisa front door with Scott by your side much like that dreaded day three weeks ago . You were in a blue floral dress in small pumps waiting patiently as you heard the party already up and ready with in .

"Its not late to turn back " Scott whisper in your ear just before the door swang open. To reveal Minka at the door with a giant smile and an even bigger diamond on her left hand . That had somehow made your heat beat pain through out your veins.

"It is now " you whisper back before putting a wide fake smile on

"Minka .... contagralations " you tired your best not to sound bitter you really did .

"Y/n right ? " she asked looking you up and down . You just nodded your head

She was about to speak again when Chris practically ripped the door hinges off as he opened the door wider . As his eyes landed on you there grew and his month hung open as he let out a deep sigh . Making your heat beat fast instead of the numb feeling it has had over the last three weeks .

"Y/n " was all he said a small whisper .

You and Chris eyes were locked missing the fallen smile of Minka as she looked between the two of you here eyebrows knitting . While Scott had a small smirked placed on his lips due to Minka reaction

"Chris I thought we agreed I'd do the door " Minka snapped at chris . Breaking his eye contact with you . To glance at Minka for a split seconde

"Um yeah sorry " he said quickly and looked back deep into your eyes , with the softest blue shade "I... I just heard her name ..." he sighed and he said it slowly and softly . He tilted his head almost like a child went there feelings are hurt . "I haven't..... I havnt see you ... heard form you ... I tried calling but ..I always ... "

"I was busy " you cut him off

Before chris could answer or even process what you said , Lisa pops her head at the other side of the door

"What are you all doing out here ! ... come on come in "she took at step back with a wide smile , as you stepped in .

She pulled you in to a tight high as she always does "isn't this amazing.... finally get to celebrate my boy with hes wife to be "

You closed your eyes as your rested your chin on her shoulder and sighed "it sure is "

You took a step back and put on the widest smile .

What you didnt know was as you were facing momma Evan's. Two blue eyed boys looked at you with soften eyes but both for different reasons .

"Come on let's join the others " lisa said to all of us.

"I couldn't agree more Mrs Evan's " minka replied

"How many times Lisa or even better mom " lisa laught her and Minka walked side by side to the garden

"Ma! " chris said .

"What she will be my daughter in law soon so she better get use it " both lisa and Minka laught and diserperared into the garden . Leaving you , Scott and Chris still in the hall way of the front door .

"How soon exactly ?" Scott asked the fill the uneasy silence .

"Um its gonna be a fall wedding " chris replied

"Oh " was all you said as you felt the pit in your stomach grow and your heart beating fast

"Like .... next year or two ?" Scott said slowly shrugging with his hands in his pockets .

"Uh no " Chris paused and took at quick glance at you and looked at the floor . "This year .... in 3 months " he sighed.

And as if it wasnt possible you felt your heart crack more .

Scott only let out a deep sigh and grab your arm " come on y/n let's get a drink " you nod you head and began to walk to the garden . But you turned your head over your should and with a deep sigh , you dry throat and stinging eyes .

"Contraglation Chris " you sighted, eys watery " I'm... happy for yo... you ... sh ...Minka is a lucky girl " you choked out as Scott pulled you futher away as he tried to save you from futher heart break or for you to continue lying .

"I'm...not " Chris mumbled silently as you were out of earshot .. and took a deep sigh and then finally followed your direction and headed for the back yard.

The never ending growing pit in your soul and tears in your heart was growing more painful as you chuged down your first of many drinks of the night. But what do you expect it's the pain of being in love

Ps I didnt realise that the actress (lily colin)that play Rosie in the movie love Rosie actual dated chris

#chris evans x reader #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans au #chris evans x y/n #captain america au #captain america #fanfic

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bellamygateoldblog · 4 years

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i will never be over the way this show has continuously tried to frame bellamy and clarke as heroes and good people, or the way the fandom has almost completely embraced and supported that narrative

the amount of times i’ve read “[clarke] saved everyone’s ungrateful asses” makes me seriously consider turning evil. like aren’t y’all bored? don’t you have a different sentence you would like to say for a change?

i want to talk about this but i probably don’t remember a lot of the details of this show so if im forgetting something or get something wrong i apologise, but i never have any desire to rewatch past s2.

clarke isn't even the hero of her own side, she took power of them using the military force of the grounders, someone else’s people, she’s forced them into alliances without their knowledge that weren’t in their best interest (while she literally had no idea what they were even going through because she’d abandoned them after upsetting their entire political structure, and this leader she’s bowing to is responsible for the slaughter of their children, has broken an alliance previously with them, has hung the threat of genocide over their heads, and who isn’t even wanted in power by her own people- dragging skaikru into that conflict, too), she’s sacrificed them and what’s best for them in order to cater to/concentrate on the grounders newest demands or pursue her own personal mission, she’s lied to and patronised them, she’s abandoned them and surrendered them to die while they were under her protection and responsibility, and in Book 2 (and these aren’t her people but in canon she’s their leader anyway apparently despite trying to blow them all up a few days before...) she’s abandoned them again, and is speaking for them without consent or any connection to what’s happening with them again,.........her inner circle/her ‘friends’ have to be extremely careful to remain important to her or on her team or they’ll be sacrificed, harmed or become acceptable losses to whatever her newest goal is too (but hey at least she says she cares about them) all while acting very ‘woe is me’ about the whole crushing weight of responsibility she shouldn’t have.

but she’s the hero, she’s beloved, she’s special, she has relationships that were never built, she and only she saved everyone again and has all the lines telling us so no matter how dishonest those statements are.

like this is where i personally see what you said in your ask most: when it concerns clarke.

bellamy on the other hand...i don’t place him at all on the same level as clarke when it comes to this. clarke has privilege that bellamy just never had as a character. and i think that does probably play into why i like him.

him being a hero to the delinquents/the 48 is completely believable to me. he was the original leader, he got them through a tough time, he chose to put himself on the line for them, and he’s the one who stayed. i also think it’s reasonable that fandom might romanticise him this way because he is one who has been shown to value the one life as well as the many of his people, a guy doing his best and making big mistakes along the way, a mixed complex bag of good and bad, i find him very likable and i love the toxic/pained/vulnerable ones lol but more than anything i find him to be one of the more interesting/entertaining characters on the show (Book 1).

we also see him torment himself with his own mistakes instead of just having other people do it for him/remind him like we see happen with clarke- and we all know fandom loves equating that with a “redemption arc” and as much as i personally dislike seeing pity parties i do like self-awareness and responsibility in characters that goes beyond a 3-second-long puppy dog look or straight dismissal of someone else’s pain, and for the most part bellamy’s expressions of this don’t come across as demanding sympathy from others but from genuine self-loathing and an honesty to himself, internalising the effects of his actions/childhood.

i know i personally prefer The Flawed Protector over The Tortured Saviour nobody asked for (same white male hypocritical moral hero in a woman’s body).

i don’t believe in assigning “hero” to any of them though like that’s the whole entire point of the show lol “there are no good guys.” and i also think a major chunk of fandom/shippers have warped bellamy’s character so much that it isn’t even him anymore, so this man they’re celebrating as a hero/good person isn’t even bellamy sometimes.

all of the genuinely “good” and kind people are dead.

i don't think i'd say bellamy was ever framed as a hero. like he was just never important enough to be, he’s just not put into those positions (despite being the male lead), clarke is. as the protagonist ig. bellamy...he’s the protector/knight of the heroes, but not the actual hero himself (applies to octavia too i think, where she acts and he reacts).

like take mount weather, clarke becomes empowered by her “wanheda” status, bellamy’s (and monty’s) part in that is lost...clarke is “bearing it so they don’t have to” (rme) which simultaneously strips the other boys from claiming the ‘victory’ of saving the 48 while still leaving them with the guilt, like it suits how i see clarke perfectly that she’s the only one to refer to the genocide (and shutting down the CoL, i realised) as “i” while monty and bellamy say “we” and it was clarke’s actions that got them to that point in the first place, but this is one of those times she’s clearly The Protagonist. if that makes sense lol.

bellamy is on the opposite side to clarke in s3 and s7 and he needs to be moved to her side in order to be on the ‘right’ one. now i don’t agree with that one bit mind you (when it comes to s3, idc about s7 lol) and i didnt see it that way but imo that’s how the show wrote it, to the point he was either demonized endlessly by fandom or woobified in a way that denied him his own agency. during s5 i don’t i think anyone was framed in a good light. i can see this applying in s6, though- where he was his absolute worst self yet, betraying his own development, failing at every point to “do better” despite claiming it, but still was given that reasurring line that they did better and saved people and was in that “heroic” position i guess? but is that because he was back to being clarke’s “good little knight” tho? (but do we claim s6??? do we really??? do we claim it ladies???)

s6 was 100% dedicated to making clarke look good/like a 'good' or sympathetic person. the bodysnatching plot (and the s6 sheidheda plot because if it was supposed to be about bellamy and address his s5 actions he would’ve been present to experience/observe those consiquences himself but he wasn’t lmaoooo. instead it was to tell the audience ‘actually clarke was right last season and here’s another reason to feel bad for her and how those ungrateful bitches were treating her’) has no other purpose for existing. clarke's character has consistently been elevated at the expense of everyone else's. but im not sure the writing did a very good job convincing me she was a good person if it was trying to do that LMAO like my interpretation of her is so fitted to canon, and no amount of throwaway lines telling me how good she is did anything to change what i saw yk? and in s6, combined with being patronised by the writers, i found her to be at some of her most obnoxious.

i don’t agree with placing bellamy and clarke in the same boat tbh. like they just come from completely different places and come across differently, especially in the way they interact with other characters.

in my experience this fandom (on tumblr) is extremely skewed in favour of clarke, like ive never seen a fandom so obsessed with their protagonist. there’s A LOT of clarke stans who stan her for being one of those “deserves better :(” characters, selfless and heroic, and support that view that she’s the superior character, entitled to other character’s devotion, love and validation yet doesn’t have to reciprocate any of it. the CL/BC ship war was just a bunch of people fighting over clarke, who deserves her more, which character is more toxic to her, which other character would 100% be her bff supportive of that relationship, treating her as a passive whose actions don’t take affect. im not sure how much i blame the writing for that because if so many of us are capable of recieving her character in this way then...why aren’t so many other people? how is there such a massive disconnect between the ways we see her?

and imo a lot of the bellamy love in this fandom comes from shipping him with clarke too rather than being because of who he actually is.

#the 100

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gottlem · 4 years

Text

summer fl(in)g. gigi/crystal

a/n i made crystal sad about 3/4 through and im SORRY i was projecting. anyways theres a tiny tiny bit of angst but MOST of this is just dumb gays in l*ve. im still getting used to writing fics so be nice pls !!!! also if u want a pt2 be sure to let me know!

summary: lockdown in summer can be lonely, but Crystal and Gigi make sure they never feel alone. thank god they have good service. (3.8k words)

When lockdown was announced, Crystal wasn’t surprised. The pandemic was taking the world by storm and yeah, it fucking terrified her. But she had to look on the bright side. So that's what she did. Just as the announcement came to an end, Crystal’s phone pinged from her pocket and she smiled to see her friends' names light up on the screen.

JANtastic: well its official

miss cox: Yeah I’m gonna miss u guys!!!

goodegirl: you say that as if u won’t be spending lockdown with jan. i’ll be ALONE thanks for asking

CRYstal: hey i’ll be alone too !!! I’ll text u everyday to keep u company :-))

goodegirl: i’m gonna hold u up to that

And Gigi did hold her up to that. The country was two days into lockdown when Crystal received her first message.

goodegirl: ugh we are how many days into lockdown? And ive already had A MILLION people hit me up with “hows quarantine treating u ;)” i am SICK.

When Crystal read the text, an odd feeling bubbled in her stomach. She told herself it was because she wasn’t used to out-of-the-blue messages from Gigi yet, they just didn’t talk that much, but looking back she admits there was probably (definitely) more to it than that. Of course the girls had already been friends, but Crystal had never found it in herself to speak to Gigi that much because, well, she was intimidatingly gorgeous. They got on well in groups, where Crystal could try to focus her attention on someone who didn’t make her face red every time she looked at her, but she knew if she invited Gigi out by themselves, she would make a fool of herself. It was stupid really, it wasn’t even like she had feelings for her - she was just too pretty, and Crystal didn’t know how to handle herself around someone who looked like they belonged in a vogue magazine. A ping shook her from her thoughts.

goodegirl: like i get that ppl are thirsty rn. i get it. i am too. but is that really the BEST they can come up with?

Crystal needed to reply. But what could she even say to that?

CRYstal: at least u have people trying to hit you up ://

goodegirl: omg what??? ur telling me not ONE person has tried to slide into those dms? they need to get on that! ur a catch

Crystal felt her face flush at the comment. Did Gigi really think she was a catch? Or maybe she’s just being nice? That was probably it. Just friendly banter.

CRYstal: nope haha! ANYWAYS. hows quarantine treating u ;-)

goodegirl: very funny. bitch.

From then on, the texts flowed easily between the two and Crystal started to ask herself why she hadn’t done this earlier. So what if Gigi was offensively attractive? They clicked so easily - Gigi was smart, quick witted, and didn’t take anything too seriously. So really, she was Crystal's perfect match. As a friend. Platonically. That night, they texted until Crystal was struggling to even keep her eyes open. It was a conversation that felt natural to them, bringing up anything that came into their heads and letting eachother start stupid tangents without fear of judgement. Gigi found Crystal's ability to ramble on about any random subject impossibly endearing, but she wouldn’t admit that out loud. Not yet, anyways.

After three days of almost constant texting, Crystal facetimed Gigi for the first time. She picked up within seconds with wide eyes and a grin on her face.

“Hey you” If Crystal couldn’t see her smile (which she absolutely could) then she could definitely hear it. Gigi’s voice was soft and she hadn’t realised how much she missed it until she was reminded of it. The best thing was that Gigi sounded genuinely happy to speak to Crystal, it made her ecstatic. Crystal had called in the late afternoon, just before the sun had started to set, so she could see golden light shining gently onto Gigi’s features. It left her speechless for a second. How many times was Gigi going to leave her completely unable to reply by merely talking to her? This girl was going to be the death of her. When Crystal finally came to, she managed out a soft, but casual, reply, hoping that she had covered up the embarrassing amount of time it took for her to speak. If Gigi noticed, she didn’t mention it.

It took them a while to get into the rhythm of actually talking to each other - texts made it easy to think over before you send, and Gigi had never really been one to think before she spoke aloud anyway. She didn’t want to scare Crystal off with how blunt she could be, but after some awkward laughs and stuttered jokes, the pair slowly fell into a rhythm they felt surprisingly comfortable in; they bounced off each other's jokes and soon enough their cheeks hurt from smiling. A few hours into the call, Crystal was sitting comfortably on her bed, her phone propped up with pillows so she and Gigi could still see each other. She caught herself staring again. It started off as small glances that lingered a bit longer than they should, but it was easy to do that and quickly cover it up, especially on facetime. Soon enough, Crystal would completely daze off for minutes, just staring at the girl on her screen. She figured out she really liked looking at Gigi, and Gigi didn’t seem to mind.

Gigi thinks Crystal’s voice is her favourite sound. After about 5 minutes of hearing run on sentences about god knows what, she had already decided she could listen to her talk forever. About anything. She really didn’t care as long as it was Crystal and she was talking to her. As the call progressed into the late hours of the night, the pair had started to get giggly - the tiredness they were feeling was starting to take effect, but it made them anything but sleepy. At 11:56pm, Gigi decided Crystal’s laugh was her second favourite sound. She would sometimes giggle, sometimes she’d shake with silent laughter, but her favourite was when she gave into a full-belly laugh. The kind of laugh that substitutes for a full core workout. That was Gigi’s favourite.

Crystal was obsessed with Gigi’s smile. It softened Gigi, showed a side of her that Crystal hadn’t been acquainted to previously, but she was so glad she knew now. Gigi could be harsh sometimes, she had learned this years ago and had just accepted it as who Gigi was, but after seeing that damn smile, it was hard to think that Gigi was even capable of hurting a fly. Crystal was quick to realise the mean girl facade (which had only made her scarier to talk to, and somehow more attractive) was just that - a facade. Walls she had built up. Crystal was eager to break them down, and she felt like she was making a good start everytime Gigi smiled like that.

They hung up when Gigi started yawning more than she was talking, she insisted it was just because she was tired, and Crystal wholeheartedly believed her. When Gigi’s face disappeared from her screen, Crystal was still smiling. Her cheeks hurt and she felt whole. She took a deep breath and took in the silence for a moment - she was alone again. She didn’t feel lonely. Despite her ever-growing fatigue, Crystal just couldn’t fall asleep, her head was buzzing with Gigi’s voice, and her laugh, and her smile, and her eyes, and- Crystal was in deep shit. She was all too familiar with the feeling of butterflies manifesting in her stomach, the thoughts of a particular person on her mind constantly. To be completely honest, she hated it. Falling for anyone had never ended well for her, and falling for someone she was already friends with? Even worse. There was no way this would end without somebody getting hurt, and that somebody would probably be Crystal. And yet, being stuck in isolation, she thought the idea of possibly having a girlfriend didn’t sound too bad, but that might have been the lack of human contact talking.

Gigi let her thoughts wonder as she drifted off into sleep. She wasn’t one to get crushes, but when she fell, she fell hard. And willingly. There was just something about the drama of having such strong feelings for someone, and playing guessing games on how they felt. And by the way Crystal had been staring at her all night, Gigi felt like she was on the right tracks. She liked the way her cheeks would flush if she thought too hard about the girl, or how butterflies would dance around in her stomach, making her feel lighter than a feather. Maybe she was just a hopeless romantic, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. She allowed herself to dream up scenarios of herself and Crystal being together once this whole situation was over. She quite liked how it looked in her head.

As the days passed, Gigi and Crystal found themselves spending more of their waking hours talking to each other over facetime than they did doing anything else. They were both falling quickly, only mildly aware of each other's adoration. It didn’t take very long for the casual flirting to start. Everytime Gigi gave an off-handed compliment about how Crystal sounded “really pretty today” or how her laugh is “the prettiest thing”, the other girl would turn bright red and freeze up. Gigi would tease her about it, which only made her more and more flustered. She thought she’d eventually get used to it, but she never did. Crystal tried to flirt back,really tried, she wanted more than anything to make Gigi stumble over her words like she does to her so often, but she would always be completely unfazed by every compliment Crystal could think of. Crystal found her ability to keep her composure so easily both irritating and compelling.

It took Crystal a few days to find something that would finally, finally break Gigi down. Pet names. When she had casually let ‘babe’ slip in the middle of a sentence, she could practically see the breath that got stuck in Gigi’s throat before she started to choke on nothing but air. When Crystal asked if she was ok, she answered with a question.

“Did you just call me babe?”

“Yeah. Is that a problem?” Crystal genuinely wanted to make sure that it was ok, but the comment came off as less of a question, and more as straight up flirting.

“No. Nope. Not a problem at all. What were we talking about?”

Crystal doesn’t press further, taking pride in being able to make the girl so speechless, and continues what she was saying as if nothing had stopped her in the first place. She watched as Gigi’s blush died down very, very slowly, only to watch it burn up again every time Crystal repeated the pet name. She absolutely adored it.

“You’re cute when you blush, babe” Gigi made a noise at this. Crystal made a note of that before deciding that this would never get old.

Soon enough, the girls were in a comfortable routine - talking every day until one of them would give in to sleep. It was usually Crystal. Gigi would stay on the call for a bit, just to listen to the girl’s breathing, it provided an unexpected comfort to her. Plus Crystal was adorable when she slept. The routine was broken one day about a month into the lockdown, though nobody was really paying attention to what day it was anyway. Gigi had been awake for no more than an hour when she started to miss Crystal, so she gave her a call. Crystal didn’t pick up. Gigi called again, just in case Crystal had her phone on silent, but she was met with no answer. Instead, she was sent a text, a text which really didn’t explain anything. At all.

CRYstal: hey !!! sorry can’t pick up rn but i promise u i will call in like an hour or two ???? speak to u soon love !!!! <3

It was unusual for Crystal to miss out on a call - she was usually the one to be ringing Gigi. What could she even be doing? Gigi needed a distraction, something to pass the time instead of sitting and waiting. That was when she realised she hadn’t worn any makeup in weeks, so she sat herself down and started on a full face - the process of doing her makeup always calmed her down, so it was a welcome distraction. Just as she finished, her phone began ringing. She didn’t have to check to see who it was.

“Hi! Sorry I didn’t answer before I was kinda busy” Gigi was speechless. A pixelated Crystal was beaming at her from her phone screen. And she had green hair now. This is why she didn’t pick up? The bitch was dyeing her hair? It did look really pretty though. Like, really, really pretty.

“Quarantines really getting to you that much huh?” Gigi decided against gushing about Crystal’s new hair - that would be giving her what she wanted.

“Do you like it?” She loved it. Adored it.

“It’s nice”

“That’s all you’re going to say?”

“Needy are we?” That shut her up. She changed the topic in an instant.

“So... you look really pretty today!”

That night, the girls fell back into their easy routine. It had been hours since she first saw it, but Gigi couldn’t keep her eyes off of Crystal and her new look. It really suited her. It just felt so utterly Crystal. The green haired girl was in the middle of a long rant about how One DIrection “are definitely planning a reunion really really soon” when Gigi had to stop her.

“I fucking love your hair, Crys” She blushed at the out-of-the-blue compliment.

“Really? I thought it was just nice?” Gigi shook her head.

“I was teasing, of course I love it. It suits you so much, you look beautiful” She was smiling ear to ear. Crystal loved it when Gigi gushed over her like this. It made her feel like there could be something there, like this was more than friends bored in quarantine.

“Thanks,” Crystal paused for just a moment before her face lit up “Oh my God, you should do something to your hair too!” Gigi hated that idea, and shook her head affectionately at the girl's adorable excitement. She felt slightly bad when she told her that she would be caught dead before doing anything to her hair - she loved the deep brown colour it had always been, and was happy with how the length framed her face. Crystal however, was incessant. Gigi was surprised when she found herself telling Crystal that she’d “think about” changing her hair up.

Saying this was a huge mistake. Crystal reminded her every other hour that she had to dye it or cut it or just do something, and it drove Gigi insane. It took her all but two days to finally cave in - it irked her that Crystal had this much power over her. She wanted to do something shocking, something that would shut Crystal up about her damn hair for good. So she shaved it.

She did it when Crystal fell asleep after a particularly heated debate about her hair (the second of the night) and Gigi hung up to get to work on it. To call it an impulse decision wasn’t perhaps the most accurate, seeing as though she had been bugged about it for a solid 48 hours, but waking up that morning, Gigi hadn’t expected that all her hair would be gone by the time she went to sleep. Once she had finally bitten the bullet, it took her an hour to admit that she actually kind of liked the look - plus it was fun to touch.

When Crystal called her that morning, Gigi took a moment to herself before answering. She hadn’t told her about the change in her appearance and hoped she would like it, or at least be pleased that Gigi finally listened to her. She took a breath and picked up, feigning confidence with a casual “morning!”. She watched Crystal’s eyes go wide and her hands cover her mouth. Gigi acted oblivious.

“What's up? Is there someone behind me or something?” She looked at her screen and patiently waited until Crystal composed herself - she was used to her staring anyway. When Crystal finally spoke, she was practically squealing out a string of compliments. Apparently, she loved it.

“Are you keeping it like that? Please say you’re keeping it like that, it's so hot” Gigi wasn’t sure if she would grow it out, but after Crystal had said that, it was an easy decision.

“I guess I’ll keep it then. Just for you”

Crystal loved being so open with Gigi, and she really appreciated how close they had gotten during lockdown - but she really just needed today off. She had woken up one morning with a feeling of dread that she couldn’t quite place, and a persistent headache. This was going to be a bad day, but she was used to bad days. She ignored Gigi’s calls and sent no follow up text. She could speak to Gigi later. Right now, she was just going to go back to sleep.

So that's what she did. She woke up in the late afternoon and finally dragged herself out of bed to make some food in the evening. When she got back to the safety of her bed, she was still tired. And she kind of felt like crying. So she cried. Sometimes, especially on bad days, Crystal’s mind could get the best of her, she had learned to just let herself get all her feelings out when she got like this - bottling them up had only ever made them worse. This was when Gigi called for the millionth time that day, her texts had become concerned, then angry, then concerned again. Crystal felt like she owed an explanation, so with bloodshot eyes and a puffy red face, Crystal finally picked up.

“Ugh finally! You haven’t spoken to me all day I- what’s wrong?” Crystal felt a ping of guilt at Gigi’s initial response to her answering. Had she really kept her waiting all day? It felt silly, like an unreasonable excuse, but deep down Crystal knew what was good for her. She also didn’t know how to answer Gigi’s question. She was starting to regret picking up, having Gigi see her like this - god, she must have looked a mess.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have picked up. I'm probably bringing the mood down” She saw Gigi’s features become impossibly softer at that.

“Hey, no, it's ok. We don’t have to talk about it, but we can if you want to. But you’re not hanging up. And neither am I. If it means I sit in complete silence with you for the next few hours then so be it”

This was when Crystal knew Gigi was a keeper. Whether whatever they had going on would continue, or whether they would return to strictly just friends, Gigi was someone she needed to keep in her life. They eventually started talking, first it was about how Gigi’s day went - Crystal didn’t feel like speaking much, but once she warmed up to seeing that all-familiar smile, she felt comfortable enough to start to open up. They talked for hours. Crystal cried. Gigi cried (though not as much).

“I just wish I could be there to help, or at least give you a hug or something, god this sucks” Crystal saw this as an opportunity to lighten the mood.

“As if you would settle for just a hug” Crystal winked pitifully and Gigi laughed, but didn’t disagree.

Of course one chat didn’t fix Crystal’s problems, but at least now she had someone in her corner - and that was half the battle.

It didn’t take the pair very long to fall back into their rhythm, feeling closer and more comfortable with each other, their feelings getting stronger as each day passed on. Crystal found herself falling back into the habit of sitting silent, and admiring the girl on her screen.

“You’re staring.” Gigi told her. Crystal hummened in agreement.

“You’re pretty”

It was normal for the pair to bounce words like pretty, and beautiful, and gorgeous between them. It was as if they both knew exactly how the other felt - like it was completely unspoken and yet so obvious. And maybe it was.

Two months into lockdown, Gigi was really starting to miss physical contact - she was starting to feel a thrill when she made eye contact with strangers on her way to her weekly shop, she was getting desperate. It was brought up with Crystal.

“I just miss human contact. I want to hold a hand. I want someone to hug me. I want a kiss! Oh my god I miss kissing.” Crystal felt herself blushing at the mention of kissing (kissing Gigi, nonetheless). She would give anything to see Gigi right now, to be close to her.

“When this is over, I’ll kiss you, don’t even worry about it” Crystal was only half joking. GIgi went red, but tried to act as if the thought of Crystal kissing her didn’t phase her at all.

“Oh will you now?”

“I’m not kidding”

“Well. I’d very much like that Miss Methyd” Gigi gave in, she refused to play hard to get with someone who she had fallen so hard for. She just hoped Crystal would stick to her word.

Summer was halfway through when lockdown was lifted. The instant the announcement was made, Crystal phone pinged - it wasJan, and she suddenly felt a wave of deja vu from when the lockdown started.

JANtastic: GUYSSSSSS i’ve missed you so much PLEASE say y’all are free to meet? Like right now?!?!

JANtatsic: Jackie’s already with me so, she’s down too :))

CRYstal: i’ve missed you too !!! i’m free to meet!

goodegirl: me too !!

The group reunited within an hour, Crystal shed some happy tears, and Gigi laughed as she wiped them for her. It was nice to be with her, to be able to stand next to each other. But it also felt odd - like something had shifted now that they were right in front of each other. So for the rest of summer, the girls shared lingering glances and awkward smiles, too scared to make an official move.

#this took so long to write #hope u liked it #there will be a part 2 maybe !!!#pls dont let this flop #just two gays in l*ve #so fluffy #also i cant flirt so i cant write flirting #sorry bout it #can be read as w/w or m/m depending on how much u squint #gigi goode #crystal methyd #jackie cox #jan sport #just jan #gigi x crystal #jan x jackie #lesbian au

89 notes · View notes

tempestuous-cosplay · 3 years

Text

just cuz

Ask me these probing NSFW questions ‘cuz I’m bored

SEXYTIMES EXPERIENCES

1. How many people have you had sex with?

13? somewhere around there.

2. Can you remember the names of everyone you’ve slept with?

if I try hard enough, yeah, but off the cuff, no

3. With whom did you first do the sexytimes? Was it good?

My first Bf, and hahahaha no. Not at all.

4. What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?

a close friend and i took MDMA and fucked for, like, 4 hours and it was lovely.

5. What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had?

this guy i banged in collage who was just bony, small, boring, and ignored me after.

6. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?

In a tent? Or the time in a church.

7. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve masturbated?

I don't have any fun or interesting stories about that.

8. Have you ever been caught doing the sexytimes?

NOPE

9. If you masturbate, when did you start, and how?

around middle school or early highschool but it was very rare bc i didn't get much from it. But the first time I actually orgasmed was when I hit 22 and got on T. then jacking it became a regular thing.

10. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

My dad walked in right before I was about to get started. that was the worst.

QUEER SHIT

11. How would you describe your sexuality using only adjectives (describing words–busy, fluffy, squishy, etc.)?

weird and complicated but friendly

12. Have you ever been in a queer relationship?

a solid 95% of my relationships have been queer. Only 1 wasn't.

13. Have you ever been in a straight relationship?

Just one. Gross

14. How and when did you realise you weren’t straight?

the moment i knew it was something that was possible. so very early.

15. Are you out to everyone you know?

p much

16. Where do you meet queer folks to date? Do you find it difficult?

I don't really date. But I made my friends through cosplay and then by meeting their friends and it just keeps going.

17. If your parents know about your sexuality, how did they react?

They always knew. I never really "Came out". I have p chill parents

18. Does your best friend know about your sexuality? How did they react?

Duh. I've slept with a number of them.

19. Describe your first queer kiss.

Much better than my first straight kiss.

20. What’s the queerest shit you’ve ever done?

My queer platonic partner :3

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

21. Are you happy with your body?

happier than i was and on my way to making it exactly how I want. Tho i do wish I was taller.

22. What’s the raddest part of your bod, and why?

my eyes are very pretty

23. What do you do with your body hair (pubes, underarms, legs, etc.)?

I don't do jack shit. Im lazy

24. Do you have stretch marks? Where?

Some where my tits used to be, inner thighs, and my love handles.

25. Describe your nipples in too much detail.

theyre kinda lopsided bc of how they were reattached during top surgery. the right one is super sensitive to touch and its kinda painful bc NERVE DAMAGE and the left one is totally numb

26. (Vagina-owners) Do you have an “innie” (small, tucked-in inner labia), or an “outie” (more visible/larger inner labia)?

supper innie. I, like, don't have an inner labia at all. Its WEIRD

27. (Vagina-owners) Is it very obvious when you’re turned on (swelling, wetness etc.)?

Yeah bc my clit is HUGE now thanks to T. It gets HARD

28. (Penis-owners) Describe the size and shape of your penis. Are you happy with it?

its, like, an inch an a half long and really small :3. I like it

29. (Penis-owners) Have you tasted your own cum? Did you like it?

Yeah, its kinda tart

30. (Breast-owners) How does the size of your breasts compare? Is one bigger than the other?

Back when I had them, the left one was a lil bigger than the right one, but i had huge badonkers. Just MASSIVE. They were nearly perfect, but they were on me, so it was horrible.

SEXUAL FANTASY LAND

31. Describe your most unusual/taboo fantasy.

consensual non-consent in fiction. I don;t think i could do it IRL.

32. Do you fantasise more about real situations, or imaginary/impossible ones?

It fluxuates, but mostly its very fantasy.

33. Who’s the oddest person you’ve fantasised about?

The Devil from The Arcana

34. Do you ever find yourself fantasising absent-mindedly, or is it something you do on purpose?

it fluxtuates, but horny daydreams are common

35. Do you always fantasise while you masturbate?

sometimes, yeah

36. When you fantasise, does it usually lead to masturbation?

it actually doesn't more than it does.

37. Have you ever had sex with someone while fantasising about someone else?

nah

38. Do you have any celebrity crushes that you fantasise about?

Hozier has had more than one sex dream in my head.

39. Have you ever fantasised about something by accident, and felt weird about it after?

oh sure. thats p normal.

40. Describe your most sexy fantasy.

hah, no. THats too much to type.

KINKTOWN USA

41. How do you feel about BDSM?

im fine with it

42. What’s your most unusual kink?

probably being a living sex doll

43. In an SM context, do you prefer giving pain, or receiving it?

Im not the biggest fan of either but I would rather receiving bc im too scared of accidentally really hurting someone

44. Do you consider yourself to be dominant, submissive, both, or neither?

Im a sub leaning switch.

45. Describe your most recent bondage experience.

got tied up in cosplay for a photoshoot.

46. In a BDSM context, have you ever referred to anyone as “daddy,” “mommy,” or any similar term?

nope but i've been called daddy

47. Do you have a kink for any bodily fluids (pee, saliva, blood, tears, cum, etc.)?

cum, blood, and spit to a small degree.

48. Have you ever revealed a kink to someone and had them react negatively?

not yet tbh.

49. Do you have any kinks that you’re ashamed of?

nah, not really

50. How much money have you spent on equipment for your kinks (toys, whips, chains, etc.)?

OOF!!! A good several hundred dollars. Like...... its a fairly high number.

COME FOR THE QUESTIONS, STAY FOR THE SUBHEADINGS

51. (Vagina-owners) Do you ever squirt when you come?

I have a few times!!

52. Have you ever come solely from penetration (anal or vaginal)?

no, that I haven't managed.

53. Can you have an orgasm without your genitals being touched?

HAH I WISH but no

54. Describe how you like your genitals to be touched.

Nice slow strokes on my clit like a dick with some gentle rubbing on the lips.

55. How sensitive are your nipples? Does nipple play turn you on?

One is numb and one is very painful. So no.

56. Do you find it easier to orgasm with another person, or through masturbation?

Jacking it. I almost never cum with a partner. Sex is more for bonding than personal pleasure tbh.

57. Have you ever had an orgasm that you weren’t expecting?

A few times, yeah!!

58. Do you get off easier from rough contact, or gentle?

rough ish??

59. What’s the best orgasm you’ve ever had?

the few times ive squirted.

60. Did it take you a while to have your first orgasm, or were you an early starter?

took until i was 22

ORAL FIXATION

61. Do you enjoy giving oral sex? Why?

YES!! Its a good mouth feel.

62. What’s your favourite position in which to receive oral?

not sure yet.

63. Describe your oral sex technique.

suck and wiggle. suck and wiggle

64. Do you find it easier to give oral to someone with the same genital configuration as you (eg., you both own vaginas/both own penises), or different?

theyre about the same amount of effort for me.

65. Describe the worst oral sex you’ve ever received.

too much teeth.

66. Describe the best oral sex you’ve ever received.

I was..... on some drug or another, can't remember what, and bro, i mELTED

67. Do you ever simulate oral sex while masturbating (sucking on dildos etc.)?

rarely but sometimes

68. How sensitive is your mouth? Is it an erogenous zone, for you?

not much? but its fine

69. Do you like 69ing?

never tried, not super interested

70. Can you deep-throat?

anything smaller than 6" yeah.

EVERYTHING BUTT

71. Do you like it in the butt?

yeah but it takes a lot for me to be willing to do it.

72. What’s the strangest object you’ve had in your butt?

a phallic shaped kite handle (I was young and stupid)

73. Do you enjoy being rimmed?

sure

74. Can you take a lot in your butt, or just a little?

just a lil

75. Describe your most recent experience with buttsex.

I was, again, on drugs a little under a year ago and let my best friend pop that particular cherry.

76. Do you like doing stuff to other people’s butts?

im indifferent leaning on rather not.

77. (Prostate-owners) Have you ever received a prostate massage?

nope

78. Do you own any buttplugs?

nope

79. Have you ever had an embarrassing buttsex experience?

not yet, hopefully never

80. Have you ever pegged someone (ie., worn a strapon and fucked them in the butt)?

not yet

SHARING IS CARING

All questions assume you’ve done group sex of some kind

81. Describe your most recent group sex experience.

got one coming up in about a week? but an orgy at a furry convention.

82. Have you ever had sex with more than two people at once (eg., foursome, moresome)?

sure have

83. Have you ever had an orgy? Would you?

yup, and YUP!!!

84. Do you enjoy watching your partner(s) having sex with others?

ehehehe yeh

85. Do you prefer to arrange group sex beforehand, or allow it to happen organically?

both are fine!

86. Have you ever felt left out during group sex?

nah, im too sexy for that

87. Have you ever done a gangbang (ie., lots of people have sex with one person, but not each other)?

not yet but i WANNA

88. Have you ever teamed up with someone and given a double blowjob/double cunnilingus?

not yet :O,,,, WAIT!!! YEAH I HAVE!!!!

89. Have you ever been penetrated by more than one person at the same time?

not yet but god I wanna

90. Have you ever been ejaculated on by more than one person at the same time?

not yet

**BONUS DARES**

100. Send me $500.

#red talks #wanna know way too much about me?

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mortuarybees · 5 years

Note

do u have any more good omens fic recs?

oh boy do i. some of them are fics that i have included in my fic rec tag so if you’ve been in that bear with me there will also be others. basically my preferred and only accepted genre of anything is “unbearably tender” and “aziraphale is extremely neurotic and crowley loves him anyway” it’s therapeutic

at some point im going to update the original reference post with like. all the amazing content ive come across since making it but until then:

one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel by lumosity aka @femmeaziraphale aka my very best friend

they have started another fic intended to destroy my life in which hell wins the next round and divines a special torment for crowley pls read it and encourage them to finish it because they don’t believe me when i tell them it’s amazing and i am d e s p e r a t e for more.

“You know, you’re very familiar,” Aziraphale said, breath stinking of the sweet wine.

“Oh? I guess I look like many goat herders,” Crowley allowed. Aziraphale snorted, nudging Crowley’s shoulder clumsily.

“No! I mean that you just seem like someone I’ve known before,” Aziraphale said. Crowley felt that familiar ache in his chest. Suddenly he wished he was sober.

“I have a common face,” Crowley dodged.

“Say whatever you like, but I feel like we fit together quite nicely,” Aziraphale said, resting his head against the bark of the tree. Crowley took the opportunity to watch Aziraphale while he had his eyes closed. There were the same old blonde eyelashes against his cheeks, the one little drop of sunlight that formed a mole at the corner of his eye. Crowley wished to kiss his cheek only once. An apology for not losing. For not giving Aziraphale an eternity of listening to celestial harmonies.

wings and how to hide them by triedunture

Crowley's been annoyingly in love for six thousand years. What's another lifetime between friends? // if you follow me you’ve probably seen me post or quote certain excerpts a million times you may recognize it as His Body Is A Place And It’s Filled With Love.

He swallowed. So bloody awkward, staring up at Aziraphale like this, having his face held. Was he supposed to maintain eye contact? It seemed impossible. His gaze darted away.

"Keep your eyes fixed on me," Aziraphale admonished, giving his cheek a little pat. "Try to imagine, I don't know...slipping into my body the way you'd slip into a new coat." His smile was weak.

Crowley made a face. "Sounds grotesque."

"It isn't! Come now." His voice and eyes softened. "Please. Try."

Deep breath in. He would try. For Aziraphale's sake. "All right." He opened his eyes, held Aziraphale's plaintive stare, and pictured how it would feel. To be a part of Aziraphale. To be held inside him, to surround him at the same time.

To be loved.

hand in unlovable hand by courfeyrock (les mis solidarity)

“Goodnight, my dear,” he says, and Crowley swears, Aziraphale could call him my dear for six thousand more years and he still wouldn’t be able to get used to it. // it’s tender it’s bed sharing it’s “i love you in the human way” it’s quoting that unspeakable broadchurch scene its title is from no children by tmg; in short, it’s specifically designed to torment me.

Crowley’s head snaps around as if on a swivel. “Shall we… what?”

“Go to sleep? Normally I would love to stay up and have a drink or a chat but you see I really am exhausted and I--”

“Yes, yes, of course.” Idiot, Crowley thinks. I am such an idiot. "I'll uh, I'll sleep underneath the covers, and you can sleep on top." He waves his hand in a forcefully casual gesture that he hopes conveys just how normal it is for two platonic friends to be having this conversation.

everything just stops by witching

they are drunk and crowley wants to take a bath so he miracles one and they have. the most unbearable conversation ever fucking put to fiction literally returning to it to select one single quote was nearly impossible for me emotionally. god the tenderness the yearning!!!! “i like your silly aziraphale things”!!!!!!!!!! “i love you deep, angel”!!!!!! i hate it! just read it please i cant actually keep describing it or i’ll have to lay down for a little while.

“Are you –” the angel’s voice was hoarse, and he paused to clear his throat, “are you playing some sort of game right now?”[....]

“I am not,” Crowley whispered fervently, his face frighteningly close to Aziraphale’s. “Six thousand yearsss, angel. You’re a part of me, and I jussst – just wanted you to know, is all.”

Without warning, Aziraphale reached with both hands to pull Crowley in closer, forcing him to drop his own hand from the angel’s face. Aziraphale held him gently, pressing a single chaste kiss to the demon’s forehead, his lips lingering as his thumbs slid tenderly along his cheekbones, his fingers wrapped up in dark, dripping hair.

When Crowley responded not by recoiling, as Aziraphale had expected, but by melting against his skin and sighing contentedly, the angel placed another kiss on one cheek, then the other. He moved to kiss Crowley’s eyelids, his jawline, his chin, the corners of his mouth, all the time cradling Crowley’s head in his hands, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Crowley to rebuff his affection.

Crowley, ever one to defy expectations, continued to allow the angel to kiss his face to his heart’s content. It was only when he heard Crowley sniff and let out a pitiful whimper that he pulled back, looking at the demon with concern.

hard feelings/loveless by witching

Aziraphale said it was like the opposite of the feeling you’re having when you say things like “this feels spooky.” Crowley didn’t know what to make of that, but he expected it was something like the opposite of the feeling you get when the only person who truly knows you makes a cryptic remark suggesting that you can’t understand love. Crowley understood love all too well. // crowley. crowley can’t sense love bc he is so goddamn full of love that he can’t see past it he’s just so full of it that he can’t separate it from just how he always is c r o w l e y. also angelic/demonic mindmelding.

“What about - I mean, if that’s… love,” he struggled to get the word out, “then what’s this other feeling? The one that I’ve been calling love for all this time?”

“I don’t know,” Aziraphale said. “I can’t possibly imagine.” He didn't have to voice his surprise at the fact that Crowley had an emotion he called love. It wasn't that he had truly thought Crowley was incapable of such an emotion; he was deeply aware of the power and range of the demon's feelings. He simply hadn't thought that Crowley was in tune with his own mind enough to understand it in those terms.

“Can I show you?” Crowley blurted without thinking.

come as you are by punkfaery (explicit; trigger warning for body dysmorphia and disordered eating)

Aziraphale visits a modern art gallery, goes on a diet, and submits to the mortifying ordeal of being known. Not necessarily in that order. // this mugged me in an alleyway and ruined me emotionally for a whole night but like whatever. it starts with a mary oliver quote so idk what i expected

He dragged a kitchen chair out and sat in it, looking like he wanted to set fire to things with the power of his mind. He was probably angry enough to try it, too. Aziraphale moved a nearby copy of The Earth Compels out of the way, just in case. “It wasn’t really because of him,” he said. “It just made me realise, that’s all.”

“Realise what?”

Aziraphale swallowed. “That I’m not… quite as I should be. That you deserve better.” He lowered his head, feeling wretched. “That’s all. I’m sorry I didn’t say something from the start, but it seemed like a difficult sort of thing to bring up.”

Crowley’s face was indescribable.

“You thought I’d stop liking you because you’re not thin,” he said. His voice was utterly toneless. A muscle ticked in his jaw.

“Well, naturally when you say it like that it sounds – ”

“Seriously? After six thousand years of, of whatever you want to call this? After we literally saved the fucking world together?”

salinity (and other measurements of brackish water) by drawlight

It's an odd thing, getting on after the End of the World. Crowley takes to sea-watching. // michael sheen has read and recommended it. god. it starts with a quote from eros the bittersweet. it took me a full half hour to read past the first paragraph or so it’s so Much.

"I want to see you cook." (Something made from his hands. Something purely Crowley. Nothing pulled from the ether. Nothing sourced and given, no. Something made from his hands.)

He looks at his hands. Holds them up, splays them against the shale backdrop of his ceiling. His hands are always the same, day to day. They are clean but stained. His long and dawdling fingers, his bit of knuckles, his veins and tendons beginning to show a little more. Yes, more, he doesn't know the age of his body but he keeps it somewhere here, at indeterminate forty. There is a hangnail on the ring finger, there are stains of belladonna on the sides, on the rough spots.

Belladonna, that green plant sick with chlorophyll, sick with poison. Crowley is a gardener and he grows belladonna in his bedroom. He knows poisons the way Aziraphale knows the Dewey Decimal System. Yes, he knows them intimately, bent over his long counter, pulling the leaves apart, peeling the stems. Crushing the seeds. He knows not to lick his fingers after, that the leaves and berries are toxic to a grown man, that maybe even Livia had used it once, dripped into Augustus' wine. Not, really, that poisons would matter . It’s one of those little perks of the demon gig, that whole immortality thing. What can get at him; what can cut it short? Only holy water and other blessed things. (Aziraphale is an angel, made out of blessed things. Crowley does not know how it might be to kiss him, mouth to wet mouth. If holy water might burn him, what can he expect from the freshwater mouth of an angel?)

birds of a feather by idiopathicsmile

Aziraphale nests. Crowley relearns some crucial facts about angelic courtship rituals. // look....im weak for home decorating as proxy or metaphor for domesticity and familiarity and this trope is literally this. i die

“Demons definitely don’t court,” says Crowley. “They fuck sometimes, but it’s—I don’t know if you’ve ever seen anything about the mating practices of insects but it’s more—like that. There’s no guarantee all parties will come out in one piece. Never seemed worth it, frankly. I like my pieces where they are.”

Aziraphale takes this all in with a series of slow, horrified nods.

“Wait,” says Crowley, “what do angels do?” He’s never pictured angels engaging with each other at all, outside of maybe mandatory team-building exercises.

“They nest,” says Aziraphale.

Crowley waits for this to all make sense. “What, instead of fucking?”

“No,” says Aziraphale primly. “Not instead. It’s—it’s part of the courtship ritual. You have to be able to build a decent nest if you want to be seen as a viable mate—”

“Like birds,” Crowley repeats, disbelieving.

“Not like birds, birds got it from us,” shrills Aziraphale.

men have gone to heaven for smaller things than that by mercuryhatter

Aziraphale finds an age slipping away from him. // aziraphale and crowley attend robbie ross’ funeral, and aziraphale mourns the loss of the old circle. also there’s some brief dunking on bosie. i adore this fic with my whole heart

“Listen.” Aziraphale took Crowley’s elbow and dragged him out of earshot of the funeral, releasing him under a nearby tree. “It’s not that I’m not glad you’re back. Remember that, because I’m about to be very short with you, but it’s not that.” He raised an eyebrow questioningly and Crowley nodded.

“That being said.” Aziraphale took a deep breath. His voice was shaking slightly and he tried to press it back to steadiness inside his throat. “You will not get near one more human under my charge this decade, are we clear?”

“Angel–” Crowley started, surprised, but Aziraphale cut him off. Fury was bubbling up inside of him, bright and brittle and with a deeply-buried thread of exhaustion that he couldn’t afford to think too long about.

“No.”

where you stay i will stay by mercuryhatter

at the hundred guineas club, men went under women’s names. aziraphale went by naomi and he paid! to keep ruth free! for crowley!!!! while crowley slept! it stopped my tender heart

“Let’s see. We all know Victoria, of course. Betsey, Henrietta, Georgiana, Chastity, that’s rich, and Temperance too, particular friends of each other, I imagine? A few Elizabeths, not particularly creative… oh.” Crowley nudged Aziraphale until he peeked up from his place hidden in Crowley’s sweater. “Aziraphale.”

“No, dear, I didn’t put that one down.” Crowley huffed in fond exasperation.

“No, honey, you put Naomi.”

“So I did.”

“And… I don’t see a Ruth.”

“No,” Aziraphale sighed. “No, I paid them an extra hundred pounds a year to hold that one for me.”

“For you or for…”

and this isn’t a fic but another essay that means the world to me, making an effort: queer (trans) masculinity in the ethereal & occult beings of good omens by elegantidler and irisbleufic

#henry speaks #good omens #fic rec #ineffable husbands

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heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet · 4 years

Text

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th

Mood/anxiety = numb.

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick.

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO.

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done.

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep.

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator.

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship.

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same.

---Emotionally it hurts the same.

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way.

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am.

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation.

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate.

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally.

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety - still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested.

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way.

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean.

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board.

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum.

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far.

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine.

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict.

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed.

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings.

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days.

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely.

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness".

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room.

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod.

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am.

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes.

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok.

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house.

We are having a picnic social distancing style.

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around. But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction)

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives.

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant.

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past.

#mental health #lost #hurting #help #self reflection #finelinebetweenloveandhate #still breathing #GAD #recovery #survivor

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 5 years

Text

answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!!

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated.

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing.

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place.

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not.

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members.

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are.

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute.

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair.

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win.

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control.

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit.

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

#some pretty heavy subjects here so #suicide #suicidal thoughts #anxiety #depression #mental illness #homophobia #if there's anything else let me know #asks #secrets

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midnight-circus · 5 years

Text

another bullshit meme

from sidebloggable

answered for logan and lucius bc i dont talk about my big dumb idiot enough

and im actually gonna answer for their original Fable timeline bc ive been feelin nostalgic recently

Their physical weak spots

Logan - depends on his age and/or stress-levels. He has a fair amount of upper body strength from swinging twin swords around all the fucking time, but it wouldn’t be ridiculously hard to overpower him if you could disarm and get hold of him - however, he’s fast, agile and extremely skilled, and it’s getting hold of him in the first place that’s the issue. In the middle of his reign, on the other hand, his body condition takes a dramatic dive - he’s pretty severely underweight and loses a lot of his muscle tone, and it really wouldn’t take much at all to best him.

Lucius - Lucius is a big, heavy mercenary who fights with a broadsword, so it’s hard to get the best of him in a one-to-one melee fight. However, he’s missing his left eye and is deaf in his left ear - subsequently if you use a little bit of stealth and come at him hard and fast from the left, you’ve got a pretty good chance of getting the jump on him. He’s also into middle-age and despite having decent reactions, a younger man of the same build as him might just pip him to the post.

Their emotional/moral weak spots

Logan - oh god lmao. Logan’s a mess, but his primary emotional weak spot is his siblings - be they his original two (hey queenie and dorian) or Morgan. I think he feels a bond that’s closer to paternal than fraternal, and I think the only way he can really justify to himself the pain he puts them through is telling himself he’s doing it for them. ok honestly, he will do fucking anything for them. at the climax of the revolution, the primary thought running through his head is how fucking proud he is. be nice if he said it out loud every once a while - hell, itd be nice if he’d just asked for some fuckin help before causing the literal death of hundreds of people - but yknow. thats just going one step too far i guess

Lucius - he’s a bleeding heart. when Morgan and his little band of rebels rock up in the Dweller village, Lucius is already there running supplies up and down the mountain to them; he watches way too many kids starve to death, and joins up with the rebels in order to lead them through Mourningwood. then he gets a crush on morgan’s little bitch face and just like. never leaves lmao. He’s easily blinded by injustice and gets worked up really quickly when he sees wrong being done - it can lead him to act recklessly or thoughtlessly at times.

Scars or painful spots

Logan - asides from the obvious scars across his lips (fencing wounds when he was a boy), he took some nasty damage from the Crawler during the three days he was trapped in the Auroran cave - he’s got a network of scars on his back that look a little like lashmarks. they hurt when they’re touched and he Does Not talk about them. he’s also got a few other scars here and there on his arms and chest from miscellaneous scraps and scuffles, and he has a deep puncture scar on his abdomen from an assassination attempt, but the less said about those the better.

Lucius - lmao Lucius is literally missing half his face to scar-tissue. he was attacked by a dog as a boy and it left him heavily messed-up. he’s also a merc, as i said, so he’s got a lot of miscellaneous old wounds but nothing quite as obvious as the ones his face.

Best places to kiss on their body

Logan - oh, the neck, bitch. he’s also kind of a slut for being kissed on the insides of his wrists; anywhere vulnerable, basically. if you could kill him there, kiss him there. freak-ass bitch.

Lucius - dude just likes a nice traditional french kiss man nothing crazy. but also definitely give him a blowjob. i know this question said kissing but lets be real thats kind of a kiss.

Guilty pleasures

Logan - he reads really terrible novels. like…really terrible. he pretends he’s reading something highbrow and intellectual but its actually a shitty romance recovered with something suitably acceptable and nobody can know

Lucius - he doesnt have any ‘guilty’ pleasures tbh, he just enjoys stuff unashamedly. he’s too thick to feel guilty

Their vices (physical or emotional)

Logan - lets be real, he’s probably done, like. an impressive amount of coke. i guess the terrible sleeping and eating habits are probably also a vice but like. it’s mainly the coke

Lucius - he smokes like a fuckin chimney

Their tickle spots

Logan - not only does he not have any, but you would also die for trying. Elrick disagrees.

Lucius - his ribs, but he is uncontrollably violent when he’s tickled so its a real good way to get a broken nose. he doesn’t mean to do it, he just spasms.

Bad memories/experiences

Logan - lmao. I’ll skip the most obvious (the 3-Day Auroran Extravaganza) because i think that goes without saying - it left him with crippling PTSD and damaged his mind heavily and insidiously. he was already pretty traumatised by his childhood and i think being forced into so many responsibilities so young also messed him up a little. it’s more like….rather one one or two specific experiences, its more just a general feeling of Bad that has stuck with him throughout his life. It was worsened by his later experiences, and essentially primed him for failure.

Lucius - yknow i was thinking about how to word the answer to this question and i realised that i accidentally made Lucius into Batman. His family farm was attacked and burnt to the ground by bandits when he was about 12; his parents and siblings were killed, and he only escaped by hiding in the coal-cellar. Later, he joined up with the mercenaries to try and track down the group that targeted them. fuck hes batman. i didnt mean to batman

Humiliating memories

Logan - oh man his father was a pro at humiliation. mistakes or oversights werent just punished, they were fuckin learned from, and he figured the best way to do this was humiliation - generally through public displays of What You Did Wrong and repeated recitations of the mistake in front of the people whose opinions Logan valued. It was kind of the catalyst for his inferiority complex and intense desire to succeed without input from others.

Lucius - again, Lucius doesn’t really experience embarrassment - he’s kind of too laid-back for it. yes, it was embarrassing the one time he fell over carrying two milk buckets and threw them all over himself in front of the handsome boy from the next farm over and the guy started laughing at him but like. you live and learn and the dude turned out to have a really ugly laugh anyway so who cares

Fears/phobias

Logan - he’s always had claustrophobia, but after the Auroran Experience this intensifies to a whole new level, and he also develops crippling nyctophobia. part of this is due to his hallucinatory psychosis - he sees things pretty much constantly, but it worsens in low lighting - but it’s also due to the fact that there may very well be actual Things in the dark and he struggles to tell reality from hallucination

Lucius - dogs. fuckin dogs. he hates dogs theyre literally so scary even the small ones bc the small ones move so quick and you never know when theyre gonna come at you

Bad or petty habits

Logan - oh, he’s just a petty bitch. he’s also outwardly arrogant, even if his internal feelings don’t match up to that. drily sarcastic, too, tho a person only really sees that when they get past the walls he throws up - Elrick is very familiar with it.

Lucius - he’s constantly standing to the right-hand side of people and then he wonders why he cant hear them properly

Grudges and vendettas

Logan - he’d hold a grudge against his father if he wasnt dead. he also holds a pretty heavy grudge against Theresa for not just fucking telling him.

Lucius - at first, only against the bandits that killed his family, but once he deals with them hes kind of at a loss as to where to go next. fortunately Logan starts starving people shortly afterwards, so if nothing else it gives him a kickstart into the rest of his life. Subsequently, Lucius will hold a vendetta against Logan for the rest of his life, even after he has been in a relationship with Morgan for years - he will never forgive him for the shit he put the common people through, and he doesnt really give a shit about the ~pressures~ Logan was under at the time. fuckin excuses, man.

Ingrained habits/forces of habit

Logan - his terrible sleeping/eating patterns. even before trauma and night-terrors made it almost impossible for him to sleep peacefully, he didn’t get more than 5 or 6 hours a night, if that.

Lucius - if something is smaller than him, he’ll protect it. he’ll also protect things bigger than him, if given half the chance. hes basically a golden retriever in human form, which is ironic considering his feelings about dogs.

What it takes to make them cry

Logan - would rather die than cry, quite literally.

Lucius - his heart is softer than butter, he’ll cry at anything. he’ll cry at an injured pigeon on the street.

Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’

Logan - never, ever, ever talks about what happened in Aurora. The details die with him.

Lucius - he doesn’t really have any - he’s not ashamed of much in his life, and he’s never done anything terrible enough to render it a skeleton.

People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them

Logan - L M A O. yes, it affected him terribly, but tbqh however much its affected him kind of plays second fiddle to how much his actions affected other people.

Lucius - has killed a lot of people who deserved it during his mercenary years, and justifies it to himself by being absolutely certain that they did deserve it. sometimes he doubts this, though, and that doubt plays a big part in his eventually getting out of the game entirely

People who’ve influenced them greatly

Logan - Walter, tho he’ll never admit it in a million years and he still definitely kneecapped him right at the start of the game so idk what that says about him

Lucius - Morgan. it’s real gay, i know, but there it is.

#logan1 #lucius1

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arreumddawo · 3 years

Text

27/3/21

HIIIIIIIIII, i’ve only blinked and its already MARCH. this time last year, what was i doing? i think i’ve already went for this current job interview and then a while later, the lockdown was announced~ but wow, time really flies huh. *cues the angmoh man blinking gif*

for the most part, i really want to write down the feelings i’ve been feeling (melancholy and loneliness) for the past few days and how i’ve sorted them out internally AND how i just want the future nabilah to just READ this and REMIND HERSELF that everything will be okay. it will be okay you dramatic, overreacting bitch! it will be okay. haha okay lets starteu~

#/melancholy

i’ve been feeling downcast the past few days. i dont even know where to begin. melancholy as well as feelings of sadness and depression have always been a part of me since 2017 im not gonna lie but lately, these episodes got a little bad despite me trying to keep myself occupied hahah. for the most part, i am just really really afraid of getting older. i really am. its not so much of the “getting older part” which gets to me i guess but its more of how lately, i just want to turn the hands of time and go back to my past when i was 16 in secondary school (heck even primary school) and just live a life where i didnt have to worry about anything except for studying you know? where times were simpler and i was (definitely) happier. i miss wearing a school uniform, i miss only having to worry about my studies, i miss being at home at noon and watching disney channel until i accidentally nap and not understanding trig/physics/chem. oh- what id give to be in my youth again. id do anything. i would study harder and change my whole course of life and hope that i could be someone im proud of. im desperately clinging on to good memories. i terribly miss being young. i really do.

and recently, i feel like im expiring, i feel old (really old) which is funny cos ive only turned 23 BUT the fact will always be that im turning 24 this year (2021) AND its when the bone-crushing realisation of getting old really sinks in (for me). i find myself looking back at my accomplishments (which trust me is little to none) and i just feel like people are accomplishing great things (even at such a young age). there’s nothing in my life where i can truly be proud of. what have you done with your life, nabilah? questions i ask myself everyday. but then again, people would say the past experiences have shaped who i am today and without them, i would’ve been a completely different person WHICH brings me back to the next point. the current me right now who is writing this post is not someone im all that proud of either. i feel like- i feel like im struggling (keyword: struggling) to achieve great things before i turn 30 (and trust me when i say i dont even want to live that long of a life). i’m tired of adulting, of getting old, of having to worry about financial issues, of having to worry about whether i’m at that milestone where everyone expects me to be, of wondering whether im really suited for this field im currently working in. im aware that it may be very shallow of me to think this way considering that there are some people in their 30s who will probably read this, laugh at me and say “you’re still young + you still have a long way + you still have time to figure out your life” but the FACT is THAT im NOT young! i still have a long time to figure out my life? yeah that is if i plan to live way over my 30s (which i DONT). side note, my biggest fear is actually living a long life. so.. like.. what now?

#/loneliness

this is a very touchy topic for me considering that i am planning to devote myself to the single life and dying a virgin because i really dont think (keyword: really, really) there’s a man good enough for me out there. even if there is, he lives only in my imagination. and yes, as embarrassed as i am to admit it, YES i do feel lonely at times. honestly, i really thought that loneliness is something im able to handle really well considering that ive been single.. what? my whole life? LOL HAHAHAH (its true. sucks to be ugly.) but yeahhhh as of late, during times when things get hard at work and i start tearing up in public transport on the way home, when home doesnt feel like home anymore, when the world conspires against me... i look up and wonder @God, “don’t i deserve someone who i can talk to, who loves me for who i am, who doesnt mind the mess i am?” ok that was abit cringey but yeah i used to be ashamed of secretly wanting someone special despite swearing to the single life BUT thats just how it is! and honestly i feel that humans are not psychologically meant to be lonely, that is why we’ll always crave for a partner (even if we dont need one). but all that aside, its not like im going to even try and find one (like i said, there is no one good enough for me out there) and i absolutely detest the idea of getting married and having kids so i will have to suck this lonely feeling up and just live. for the most part, i just wanted to point out how lonely this adult life can be.

side note: its really great that i have a really good support system (my siblings and friends), so yeah.. i’m really grateful for that<3.

things i want the future nabilah to read (now that i have come to terms with these feelings):

phew that was a rollercoaster now wasnt it. now that you’ve typed all that and acknowledged what you feel, i have a few things to say to you.

i just want you to know that you are (as much as you dont want to hear this or dont believe in this), you are doing well (at least the future you reading this wont look back and be embarrassed of who you were). you may not have done well for o’s, may have slacked a bit during poly and uni and regret everything academic wise (and yes personality wise) but always remember that, these things do not define the authentic real you. not getting into a local university and not achieving greater things in life during your youth, these are trifle things that you shouldnt be ashamed of or even beat yourself up about. after all, they dont matter in the afterlife?? so like, stop it. its not like you can go back to the past and change it, you only have control of the present and thats WHAT you have to work on. as tough as it may be, as much as you refuse to get old, the harsh reality is that you have to and you will. you have a degree and you’re getting experience working in the field you have always been curious about and you’re on your way to get a another diploma under your belt. you’re really doing the most if i must say??. and you’re so lucky to be able to love what you studied and do what you like. off track and a side note, i wanted to tell you that i woke up today feeling a tremendous shift in me (and i really honestly think its because of the conversations i had with zim, bff and syiqs the past consecutive days). but i honestly woke up feeling excited at what i have to offer the world. you may not be the prettiest and the smartest but the amount of love you have (and willing to give) in your heart, the feelings of empathy you’re capable of and the change you want to make in lives.. these are things that define you and you can do just that. there are times where you will definitely feel afraid and wonder if you’re doing the right thing but as long as you keep reminding yourself of your morals and values, i think you’re pretty much on the right track.

and i know, i know you hate yourself more than anything else in this world. the face you see in the mirror and the horrible things you feel inside you, your dumb thoughts and all that but i really pray that in the years to come, you’ll grow to be kinder to yourself (and definitely the people around you). be kinder to yourself and have courage to face your flaws and work towards being a better person everyday. be kind to everyone (especially your parents) and just have a little faith that you can go through many hurdles in your life. you cannot do everything but you can do some great things and that is enough. i dont have to remind you that everything here and now in this world is just temporary right? remember the podcast you heard yesterday? true happiness will be in the afterlife, inshaAllah. death will come for you, you just have to be patient and never forget to work towards the afterlife. also dont feel too lonely. ultimately, you know you dont have the mental capacity for things like marriage and having kids and all but dear nabilah, if you get lucky and love comes to you one day through Allah, i hope that you dont close your doors firmly shut to it and embrace it if you may (only run when the guy proposes cos u aint got no time for that). last but not least, please never let go of good memories. cling on to them and let them be attestations of your kindness and love. always be kind and always try to be better for the people around you. i hope you’re smiling as you read this, i hope you’re proud of who you have become and i hope that you continue to always remind yourself of amazing person you are, despite all that you went through.

- 23 year old nabilah (technically 24 this year but hey SUCK IT TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT)

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tautittology · 6 years

Note

what if you answered ALL the iconic 80s song asks

well anon i’d say you are a life saver cause i am forcefully trying to Ocuppy My Treacherous Mind away from bad things so for that bless you and your pets and their descendants

billie jean: what do you notice more in a song - the drums or bassline?

the bassline i’m all bout that bass a slut for thick powerful and dirty basslines

sweet dreams (are made of this): what’s the best dream you’ve had?

i was climbing one of those impossibly shaped staircase thingies you know the kind that seemingly go on for ever with my best friend and when i realised we weren’t getting higher i just stopped and looked at him and we both started laughing so hard i woke up still laughing and couldn’t stop for like 10 mins

africa: favourite 80s music video?

i’m not big on music videos but david bowie and mick jagger’s vid of their cover of Dancing in the Street is Something Else

every breath you take: who’s the first person your mind goes to when you hear a love song?

uh i generally feel for / think of the inner characters of the song like it was a tiny story someone was telling me and i get to create who it’s talking about so yeah

should i stay or should i go: how many languages do you speak?

2 fluently 1 kinda ok 2 i got basics

uptown girl: what’s your favourite book trope?

non-linear narration where you finally manage to piece together the intrigue but there’s a Major Twist and everything makes much more sense when it’s upside-down

don’t stop believin’: what’s the longest journey you’ve been on?

this life i think the time i did a tour of europe with friends for 2-3 weeks but if you mean in hours to get there the time i went to Chile to see my family and the plane ride was something like 13h

i wanna dance with somebody (who loves me): who was the last person you danced with?

my best friend in the back of a car this morning while a friend drove us to Versailles

maneater: where did you spend your last friday night?

getting drunk at a bar and then ending up in a skeevy bar and then going home to put my roomate and friend to bed

jessie’s girl: what would you do if you found out your best friend was seeing your ex?

lmaoooooo my bff would rip her in 0.2 secs but ok i guess i’d be very very upset confront my best friend try to be comprehensive and kind but something would be broken because i’d feel betrayed and hurt and eventually we’d drift apart and i’d probably hope they’ll break up so i can get my best friend back cause i’m that petty and just hope for my sweet sweet friend to come back to me and it would be oh so horribly lonely and wow i made myself sad well done

born in the u.s.a.: what’s your home town like?

big n famous nd full of life and unexpected things and a bit too far from the sea but oh so gorgeous in the rain and under the sun go on take a wild guess what it is

wake me up before you go-go: how did your last date go?

good i guess he just came over it wasn’t much of a date really idk

girls just want to have fun: relationship with your parents?

with my mother things can get complicated in half a second but i know she loves me and i love her and sometimes she’s terrible sometimes she’s amazing and i deal with it aaaaaand with my father well it’s not bad but it’s almost nonexistent mostly by my fault so yeah it better be somewhat positive at least

beat it: opinions on the police force?

Not To Be Trusted

never gonna give you up: how old were you when you joined the internet?

14 or something i think? mostly through stuff my brother showed me

faith: when was your first kiss?

lmao at like 4 or 5 under the slides for just a lil peck on the lips and a real ass frenching at maybe 13

i’m so excited: where was your first kiss?

either under the slides or on my mother’s couch but the real important kiss here is my first gay kiss in my friend’s room and tbh i still think of this room next to the attic with a window on the roof where we went to smoke cigarettes on

take on me: could you reach the high note?

lol no but believe me i’ll try every fucking time

footloose: favourite musical?

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

9 to 5: do you like country music?

nah not really at all no

back in black: what makes a good rock song?

a badass rythm section that goes above and beyond a guitar solo that avoids the trap of cheesiness and an energy or passion rabid enough to tear out a whole stadium

material girl: are you sentimental?

i am so soft and ridiculous but i hide it well

walk this way: what was the most expensive thing you bought in the last six months?

a roger waters ticket for his show here in June IVE BEEN BROKE EVER SINCE BUT BITCH IM SEEING THE TALL LAD

you shook me all night long: are you seeing anyone at the moment?

yes but hahahahahaha i feel really shitty regarding this rn it might pass i hope it will nd im just overthinking it hahahahahahah fuck me

thriller: favourite film genre and why?

i guess slightly surreal ones like borderline psychologic/fantastic if that makes sense to you

i want candy: chocolate or sweets?

hhhhhhhhhhhhh i wanna say sweets but the ones covered in chocolate

ghostbusters: how far do you believe in the paranormal?

already answered 😎👉👉

the power of love: does true love exist?

how else would you explain the feeling in your chest when you see your pet peacefully dozing off on your stomach

hungry like the wolf: what’s your crush’s favourite music genre?

the One i Date is into really hardcore metal shit like Slipknot

walk like an egyptian: favourite song currently in the charts?

........i suck at keeping up with what’s in the charts and i hardly ever remember the names of songs i like on the radio srry

(i’ve had) the time of my life: if you could relive any ten minutes of your life, what would you relive?

the first time i ever saw Patti Smith at a festival i wasn’t that much into her at the time and i wish i had been more focused in hindsight

just can’t get enough: what’s your guilty pleasure?

i indulge too much to have guilty pleasures

i’m gonna be (500 miles): how far apart do you and your best friend live?

rn one is literally in the next room and the other roughly 1h by train/metro

you spin me round (like a record): favourite modern cover of an older song?

i genuinely can’t think of any rn

we built this city: if you were president, what would your first ruling be?

draft a new constitution with humans at the core of the preoccupations rather than international weight or money for starters

how will i know: do you believe everyone is deserving of love?

i think everyone have been loved at least once it’s not really something you deserve or control

nothing’s gonna stop us now: what’s been the biggest hurdle you’ve faced in your life so far?

the word hurdle a shitty health and people most close to me reacting badly to it and some family crap that took its toll on me for a few years

come on eileen: have you ever written a song? if so, what was the genre?

once or twice mostly ballads half inspired by the smiths half by pink floyd it was.....Not Good

living on a prayer: which was the song of your childhood?

Joe Dassin Siffler Sur la Colline

sweet child o’ mine: describe your perfect first date.

just lots of laughter and a good bottle of wine honestly it’s the person that makes a perfect date

don’t you (forget about me): is there anyone from your past that you regret cutting ties with?

yes but it wasn’t as much cutting ties as letting the relationship dies because i suck like that

eye of the tiger: favourite 80s movie?

The Blues Brothers

under pressure: give an example of a world event that occurred the year you were born.

Diana died

with or without you: what would you value most: a relationship or a job?

i really really really hope i’ll never have to ask myself this question (provided both are good healthy and fulfilling ofc)

another one bites the dust: where did you achieve your biggest accomplishment?

in England probably i mean i fucking survived there and then managed to have some of the best times of my life i find myself pretty badass there tbh

pour some sugar on me: turn ons?

hands neck plump lips nd a pretty smile and a touch of leather

in the air tonight: do you enjoy flying?

point me at the sky nd tell it flyyyyyyyyyyyy

tainted love: thoughts on synthesisers/electronic drum kits/technology based music?

why the fuck not it’s like most genres there are good things and bad things it’s not usually my jam tho

like a virgin: share a controversial opinion.

i think Oasis was Bad and a Mistake

karma chameleon: what do you like most about your appearance?

i can’t see it most of the time

thanks a lot anon u are a godsend may you have all your favourite foods all week long 🐰

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godguy0001 · 6 years

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LAST:

1. Drink: White hot chocolate 2. Phone call: My Dad! 3. Text message: My Nana! 4. Song you listen to: Depends on my mood, but ive been into Stromae recently 5. Time you cried: Years ago.

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: Ive barely dated anyone once. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: No 8. Been cheated on: Nope. 9. Lost someone special: Yes. 10. Been depressed: I think so yeah, i’ve been trying to forget and move on tbh. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope, never been drunk enough.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Purple 13. Gold 14. Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Heck yeah! 16. Fallen out of love: Not that i can remember. 17. Laughed until you cried: Yes, so many times. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Rumours have been shut down in the past year. 20. Found out who your friends are: Yeah! Ive realised what it really means to have a Best friend! 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yup

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: If i don’t know someone i tend to not add them. 23. Do you have any pets: Yup! I have a cat named Alfie! 24. Do you want to change your name: Not really. I have a long name and it makes up my nickname so i would prefer to keep it. 25. What did you do for your last birthday: Went out with my dad to comic-con and later went to Gourmet Burger Kitchen! 26. What time do you wake up: Depends on many a thing. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: playing stardew valley. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: My cosplay for this years Comic-Con is getting completed tomorrow! 29. When was the last time you saw your mom?: i don’t care, as long as its in the months, im happy. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Fucken gapsalot with my fucked up tooth please. 31. What are you listening to right now: Gundam ost. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I have no clue tbh. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My College Tutors. 34. Most visited website: Paranatural/ Flight rising. 35. Mole/s: I have two per arm, and one on my chin, which is a fucker to shave. 36. Mark/s: I have two scars from my pacemaker. One scar in my eyebrow from when i got punched by a dog, and all sorts of mini scars on my hands from cannulas and such. 37. Childhood dream: my childhood dream was to drive a steam train. 38. Hair color: Sort of mousey brown, although it sure as shit aint staying that way. 39. Long or short hair: I prefer it short. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Yes I do. 41. What do you like about yourself: Theres a lot of things that i do enjoy about myself, i like to think im attractive, im patient, blah blah blah. I just dont like these sorts of questions because I always feel weird answering them. 42. Piercings: Nope, never have never will. 43. Blood type: I think is Some kind of A? idk though. 44. Nicknames?: Jed, every varyation of Jed the human brain can come up with, Fat-Fat Palomino, Chris, Big J, Fiendal, Duck, JJ, and probably more. 45. Relationship status: Single. 46. Zodiac: Scorpio. 47. Pronouns: He/his/him. 48. Favorite TV Show: Thomas and friends and i admit that with no shame. 50. Right or left hand: Right handed. 51. Surgery: I have a pacemaker so yeah, at least thrice now. 52. Hair dyed in different color: Ive dyed it once, it was Jet black. 53. Sport: I quite enjoy sports, but only if I can keep my energy usage down. 55. Vacation: there are quite a few places i would like to go. 56. Pair of trainers: Theyre kind of new? Idk theyre less than a year old.

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: not eating right now. But i snack on whatever really. 58. Drinking: White hot chocolate. 59. I’m about to: Go to bed. 62. Want: More time or someone who appreciates me. 63. Get married: I’ll see when the time comes. 64. Career: What now? 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs i’d say, at least that way there can be breathing and film watching. 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. Eyes can have so many more intricacies than lips. 67. Shorter or taller: I’m not the tallest but i am taller than a lot of people, i do like to be around smaller people though. 68. Older or younger: I don’t really care? As long as theres mutual respect im fine. but there is a comfort bracket. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I have no idea, i dont really focus on bodies. 71. Sensitive or loud: Once again, as long as theres respect, i dont care, 72. Hook up or relationship: I’d rather have a relationship because theres a certain amount of trust and caring that goes into them. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I am the hesitant one so i need troublemakers to bring out that side of me.

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: Nope, don’t like the idea. 75. Drank hard liquor: I think so? 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Never needed them. 77. Turned someone down: Never needed to. 78. Sex on the first date: Never had sex. 79. Broken someone’s heart: Probably not. 80. Had your heart broken: HA, yes. 81. Been arrested: No 82. Cried when someone died: Yes 83. Fallen for a friend: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84: Yourself: I will believe in myself even when im not sure of my skills. 85. Miracles: There are things which can only be descibed as such. 86. Love at first sight: Yeah, i think it can happen. Just allow some time to know each other. 87. Santa Claus: If Santa clause isn't real then who threw my present at me at midnight last year. And whos face am i to curbstomp in revenge this year >:( 88. Kiss on the first date: Go nuts.

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: Henry and Asa! 91. Eye color: Blue. 92. Favorite movie: This is the most evil question i have ever encountered. Also its thomas and the magic railroad and I admit that with absolutley zero shame too.

I tag anyone who wants to do this. Just do it if you say you want to.

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book-n-bean · 5 years

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What would it be like without tv?

Every night, we put the tv on and watch it until it’s late or we’re too tired to stay up any longer.

Since when did everyone just switch on their tvs at night after dinner and just watch?

What’s it like without the tv? Without the noise? When you have to entertain yourself? Would you spend more time with the people you love, would you read more? Would kids do more homework just to have something to do?

I’m not saying I’m not grateful for technology, I just think it’s so sad to be in this position every night, it’s so empty and boring and sad.

It’s just going to get worse as I get older too. Everyone connected to technology more and more. How long will it take for our world to be made out of technology? We’re already working on trees that glow in the dark to provide light and save electricity?

I don’t know.

Lately I’ve just been feeling like life is so empty and sad and pointless, and maybe that’s me being a little depressed and hopeless; but it’s true. What should we be excited about in life? Our futures? Because our futures are the same as everyone else’s, there’s really not much we’ll do that other people havent. And of course, that doesnt mean we wont enjoy it, i dont know what it means.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me - I FEEL wrong. Like im so much more up in my head than i should be, but i cant figure out how to come back to earth. I cant even remember if this is normal, to spend so much time thinking; even when im talking to people, doing things, i’m in my head. It’s worse when im listening to music, or doing something that doesnt require concentration. Reading is a distraction, and watching things can be a distraction too; but then i feel strange when I stop doing those things. I feel blank and empty like there’s nothing waiting for me beyond the book or the screen. Like the world is so quiet, unturning, people are frozen out in the street where they were walking, smoke comes from the exhaust of cars...but they dont move. And then time just skips, and suddenly it’s a couple of hours later and ive lived and so have the people in the street, the frozen cars are different to the ones before and the light outside the window is different. I know i lived every moment that i seem to have skipped, and i can remember each and every one of those seconds, but it feels like nothing happened in them at all...

I think i need help, but it would be so hard to talk about this. No one would understand, they couldnt help...it’s like that feeling i used to get, where it felt like my cells were freezing, through my chest into my left arm, into my palm. It felt like my blood was freezing, and it hurt. It would throb through me, some kind of icy breeze, and then it would linger...then disappear. My counsellor didnt understand that, i cant remember what she said; but im sure i would have remembered if it had been useful or interesting/important.

What do i do? I feel like ive got so many problems, but maybe im not looking at the big picture. Maybe i’m looking at every individual problem as it hits me and they just keep banking up as i fail to immediately solve them. That’s another question though, how far do they bank up? Have i actually been solving any of my problems, or have i just been side-stepping them and saying “good enough”?

I know i need help...maybe, and maybe i want help...but how do i get it? Therapy has never helped me before, ive always been better off working things out on my own, talking to my mum about things to get them off my chest and then doing the rest on my own. Who do i get help from? What would it cost? I could go to a school therapist, but i’d have to skip class for that, it would get weird. I dont want to skip class - that would stress me out. And last time, the school counsellor didnt help, but then again, i cant remember having big problems the last time i went...i think i’d been dating james for 2 months when i went to her; that’s such a long time ago, around about now.

Maybe this is normal...it’s just being a teenager, right? I dont want to worry my mum either, im okay, im dealing with it; even if that means struggling...as long as im just dealing with it. Im trying to focus on music, i know i should be trying to focus on school but im not interested right now. School feels empty too, i go to a building, entertain myself on the bus twice a day, talk to people i call friends, sit through six classes and take notes, pretend to/actually listen, crush on people who dont notice me, and then i go home and do it all again the next day. For what? An education, to be social; whatever. See what i mean? Everything feels pointless.

Even my possibilities seem close-ended; my endless possibilities. Breaking up with James was meant to make me feel open, see all the options out there. It doesnt feel like that. Sometimes i get a flash of that feeling, realising that there are so many people to love in the world and I could probably have a lot of them...but that door is as closed as ever because of my crush on the boy who’s taken; my heart is already dedicated to him...and he’s going to have to break it. I dont want him to, but if im going to move on, he’ll have to break my heart first. Maybe it’ll be indirect, maybe i’ll do it for him, telling myself he’ll never notice me, that im not like her and she’s better than me, the simple fact that it probably means nothing when he looks at me, oh and the lack of him noticing me. Yea sure, we text a lot occasionally, when i start the conversation, we tease each other and joke, but at the end of the day, what does it really mean? Anything? I dont know.

That’s the answer to all of my questions: I don’t know.

I’m not going to get help, not yet. At least I know I’m not depressed, something’s wrong but it’s not that. Luckily, I’m not suicidal, and I don’t want to self-harm; I tried that. In the shower, with the shaving razor, two little red lines, running blood, the sting, it didnt feel good, it didnt help; and I regretted it, I wanted it to go away. I won’t be trying that again, at least not for a while.

I just don’t understand, when did this all happen? And why? What started it - and how do I stop it? Melbourne Music Tour was perfect, I felt alive again, life felt electric and full, lovely and full of opportunities, friendship, warmth; experience. It was 7 days. I had seven days of life. It has been almost 7 days since. I have had seven days of emptiness. I could say it’s a cycle, but it’s not. It was a long, flat line of nothing, and then a 7 day blip, a promising little heartbeat...the world has gone flat again.

I’m kind of getting sad writing this, negativity and all. And it’s not helping, I feel the same, fuzzy head, tired, bored, it’s late (11:07pm, so not really that late for me, but im still tired). Im surprised about how much ive written though, how all of this is just flowing and ive just been letting it all out; ive barely stopped.

Maybe i am a little depressed, sadness comes easily. I do feel sad, deep down, it hurts. And when i do feel sad I know it’s deep, it’s the kind of sadness that opens a ravine in your chest and makes you want to hug something close to you, tight, to close the gap, make it feel better; to have something to hold onto while you’re being ripped apart from the inside out; and when you have no one that’s a little hard to do.

I want to tell myself that I’ll be okay, the thought lingered in my head, but I don’t feel like I will be right now. Im not interested...in life? I dont want to die, i just dont feel interested in doing anything im doing, not really. Even my hobbies are all dropping away. What are my hobbies? I spent one day writing in the holidays and i havent since. I read a bit...but its not very fun. I havent painted anything for months, watching Glee is a good distraction, but its more a way to pass the time than a way to entertain myself. Music is my only real hobby, i enjoy it, i love playing guitar, feeling the song, learning piano, looking at sheet music, recording my voice memos on my phone; if anything can get me through, it’s music. Maybe that’s the way out. I’m planning on buying a proper microphone, to record myself and sing into and...ive been thinking about starting a youtube channel, to have somewhere to put all of the voice memos i record. Maybe people will like it, maybe i’ll like it. It feels like the only step, in any direction, that im planning on taking in my life right now; everything else seems blurred and slow motion, walled-off. Music seems like a road to follow...

I dont know how to end this, i dont know what to say at all. I feel like there’s a lot more to say, but i know ive already said a lot, and i also know that theres nothing else materialising in my head right now; just the distant feel of thoughts. Im scared as well, we just watched a movie, there were dead people in it, it was gory, scary; i didnt like it. So now im paranoid and scared. I’ll go sit in my room, against my headboard, with the wall next to me; it feels safe there.

Maybe i really do need help - i sound insane. Im not, im just going through stuff...maybe i’ll end up talking to mum about it, but for now im going to take the weekend to chill.

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shakespearean-tc · 5 years

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Teacher Crush Background

Originally posted March 29th, 2019 Some background on me and A.

I know that like, I haven’t known him for 2 or 3 years like others in the community, but… I dunno I really needed to get my story out because keeping this in is so hard

He started teaching at my high school around late January. He’s small for a guy, like 5′ 5-6″. I’m almost 5′ 10″ so??? theres an issue haha but hes adorable. We’re 6 years apart? Does this even matter? Who knows.

Anyway, he began as our student teacher and I seriously thought that he was such a dork at the beginning. It was an endearing thought, but he seemed so quirky? Which isn’t a bad thing but he had sO MuCH ENERGy. hes a millenial so like he knows all of the memes and vines and omg i just- Yeah. He’s a good teacher and he’s gone through some rough stuff, but he’s just??? Such a wonderful guy.

Eventually, I found out he was a huge nerd? i was just talking about Legend of Zelda with my friend and he just literally like I swear to god, his ears perked up and he was like “Yo were you just talking about Majora’s Mask?” And i was like “Uh wow, yeah i was how tf did you-” “OMG I LITERALLY LOVE THAT GAME SO MUCH ITS MY FAVORITE”

But I guess??? I’ll just like share some times when I really was like “omg i think i have a crush” because why tf not i dunno what the heck im doing

1- This is like 2 weeks in since he’s been teaching us. We were doing an exercise so that we could work on our natural reactions, yeah? You would say a word and the other people in your group would answer with the first word that came to mind. Because in theatre, it’s really difficult to fake a genuine reaction to something and also because improvisation my dudes

But anyhow, I was bored and I just kinda was like “Trauma.” And my friend, E, goes, “PTSD” and then my other friend just yells “TYLER” and A just leaped up and was like “CONCERN?!??!?!” and so he just walked over and we were laughing so hard i could hardly breathe, but he just looked at us, slightly concerned, and my friend made some stupid comment, I cant even remember what it was but i started laughing even harder that i snORTED and he looked at me and I just went bright red and he started laughing SO HARD THAT HE WAS ALMOST CRYING and we finally calmed down and i just kinda mumbled “omg i hate my laugh that was awful” and he just smiled at me and was like “Hey, don’t. it’s real and it’s an awesome laugh. i love it.”

2- This was probably about a month in or so. Middle of February. He started out coming to class dressed like?? Really nice, and hes got long hair so he always wore it in a ponytail. He was in like slacks and dress shirt, tie, etc, etc. I always thought it was kinda cute, but then one day, out of the blue- He shows up to class with his hair down, jeans, sneakers, a zelda shirt and this really nice leather jacket- i swear to god he walked into class and i like glanced up from my sketchbook and had to do a friggin double take??? He looked like a different man??? but he looked so much more comfortable like jeez wow he looked so nice, and now he dresses like this all the time

3- One day after class, i was packing up my stuff, and it was just me and him in the classroom. out of the blue he started coughing really hard and really bad and i like dropped everything and was like “OmG ARE YOU OKAY DO YOU NEED HELP” and he just kinda shook his head, and drank some water. after a minute he turned to me, and was like “No, im ok, im okay” and i was like “okay, but??? are you sure??? that scared me” and he sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose and said “listen, idk if ill tell the rest of the class, but… you cant tell anyone about this because its embarrassing.” and i was here thinking “wtf is it??” and he says “I have Cystic fibrosis (ill refer to this as CF later on in my blog posts at some points).” and i looked at him all weird and was like “what is that” and he tells me “its hard to explain but basically my lungs dont work right and its hard for me to breathe a lot of the time.” and i just “how come ive never heard of it?” He says “Its really rare. its a life threatening disease, and i dont like to tell many people about it because i feel like they treat me like im delicate and fragile, and i dont want to be treated like that. please don’t tell anyone else.” and i smiled softly and nodded. “Okay I won’t. Just… let me know if you need help.” He smiled at me. “Thanks M. Will do. Have a good day.”

4- In late February. We were working on memorising our scenes that we had written and one of the other groups had just finished theirs. it was a very sad scene and he was like “Ouch, right in my feels. good job guys.” And he started walking out of the room, when one of the girls was talking to me and said “yeah, were gonna have her die in the end” and by now, A is out of the room, but i hear like a very soft thumpthumpthumpthump and he runs back into the room and yells “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE DONE THIS” and runs out, leaving the rest of us dying of laughter. (another time me and my friend were quoting vines and she goes “say colorado!” and he runs up behind up and just “IM A GIRAFFE”)

We’re really good friends, always talking after class and sharing jokes. He sometimes rants with me after school.

I guess this last one is when I realised I was… almost falling in love with him. I know it sounds so silly, but idk its nice to finally be able to say it.

This was the 1st of March. It was the night we were performing our scenes, and there was like 100-150 people in the audience. I have bad stage fright, but what you need to know is that I had a boyfriend a few years back who killed himself, and sometimes I see people that look like him, and i almost get… triggered?? Idk how to explain it but i break down. Anyway, we were backstage and I was helping one of the groups carry off their props when, for some reason, I looked out into the audience and I froze. Because in my eyes, there was a man sitting there that looked identical to my dead boyfriend. I started to shake, and I dropped the prop I was holding. Luckily the lights were almost completely out, so the audience could hardly see anything. My friend grabbed me and the prop and dragged me off stage. I got out into the hall next to the theatre and i just stood there, like a deer in headlights. the hall was almost completely empty, and my friend was like “are you alright?” i told her i was fine, and that I just needed a minute. she went back into the theatre to watch the other groups perform. i was alone in the hall now, and everything hit me like a brick. i began to get really dizzy and i started to lean against the wall. every time i closed my eyes, all i saw was that man, and i started to sob. i was shaking and i felt like i was going to die. i was already really anxious about our scene, and i was hitting the wall with my fist because i was kinda mad at myself. my boyfriend had been dead for about a year, and i got so upset with myself when i thought about it because i blamed myself for everything and i felt stupid because he’d been gone for so long. my knuckles started to bleed and thats when I heard the backstage door shut and I whipped my head around to see A there. I quickly tried to wipe away my tears and pretend like I was fine. He looked at me, and the rest went as such:

A: “M? What’s the matter? Why are you crying? Are you okay?” Me: “Yeah, I’m fine. Totally fine. Peachy. I’m great.”

I laughed and I wiped more tears from my eyes, but the salt started to sting my bleeding knuckles. I hissed in pain, and his eyes widened. He grabbed my hand.

A: “M? What… Why are your knuckles bleeding? You’re- You’re crying. You’re obviously not alright.”

I laughed again, shaking my head.

Me: “No. I’m fine.” A: “Your knuckles are bleeding. You are NOT fine. Please. Tell me. What’s going on?”

I took a deep breath, and I heard the other door open. The other group must’ve been finished with their scene. Some of the other kids began filing out and I tried to make it look like I hadn’t been crying.

“Excuse me?” I heard someone ask.

A and I both turned around. And lo, and behold. That man. was right there. I dont know his name. i know nothing about him. but he was a spitting image of my boyfriend. “Do you know when (name of my classmate) is performing her scene? She’s my younger sister, and I’ve got to get home soon, but I don’t want to miss it.” He informed us.

I turned around again, trying not to freak out while A told him that they would be on stage soon. The man went back into the theatre, along with my classmates. I was choking back tears and A must’ve noticed. A: “M? Are you sure you’re okay? You look like a deer in headlights.” Me: “Who is he? I- I don’t want to see him again, he looks like- like-” At this point in time, I couldn’t hold much back. I began to cry all over again and A sat me down against the wall. I told him everything. I told him about my boyfriend, the suicide, my anxiety, how I was so scared to get on stage, and that I couldn’t handle seeing that man. I told him all of it. When I was done, he reached for his shirt collar and pulled out a locket. He opened it, showing it to me. A: “Do you see her?” There was a young woman in the photo with A, and they were both laughing.

Me: “She’s pretty. Who is she?” A: “My sister. She passed away from CF when I was 16. I wear this locket to remind me of her and how she was one of the only people who believed in me, especially when no one else did. Everyday, it keeps me strong, and reminds me that I can go through hard things and make it out alright in the end. Now, I want you to listen closely. First of all, your boyfriend’s suicide was NOT your fault, okay? No matter what. It was his decision, and I know that he wouldn’t want you to spend your entire life blaming yourself for something he chose. Second, you have no reason to be scared on stage. I’ve seen you trying so hard to get your lines memorised and become this character. You’re such an amazing actress and you’ve no reason to feel uneasy. Stage fright is hard. It really is.” He grabbed my hands at this point. “But you are AMAZING. And you are going to be so wonderful up there on stage. I have faith in you M.”

I swallowed, and nodded, wiping my eyes. He stood up, and helped me stand up. A: “Now c’mon. Let’s go see if we can find some bandaids for your hands.” We both went to the classroom, found some bandaids and cleaned off my hands. When it came time for our scene, he wished me good luck. For once, I felt confident. I felt like I was alright. After the entire show was over, we were cleaning up the stage. My friends were waiting outside for me by my car and I went over to A. He set down the prop he was holding and turned to me, smiling. A: “You were great! I told you that you could do it!” Me: “Thanks A. I just wanted to let you know that tonight meant a lot to me. I was really upset and anxious, but you made me feel a lot better. You’re a great teacher, and I’m so glad that you’re with us.” He smiled really big. A: “Thanks M. That means a lot to me. You have a lot of potential, and I love talking with you. Have a good night.” I bid him farewell, and since then? Things have been different. We’re… friends, I suppose. We talk after class more often, we have intellectual discussions over email, we share an emotional bond. I guess that’s when I really realised I was basically in love with him. He’s one of the only people in my life who I can feel completely comfortable around, someone that I trust with basically everything. He makes me feel special and of worth, and I know it all sounds so silly, but I really adore him. Thanks for reading this whole big long post, i guess

i really like the tcc community to be honest, even though im remotely new to it. a lot of people seem really cool if you ever want to rant to me or just talk, im here to listen!

#teacher crush #teacher x student #tcc #tcc blog #tcc community #teacher #student #student teacher #tc

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