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#but i’ve never been so stressed in my life
hopepunk-humanity · 3 days
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My car broke down and I’m having to replace a few parts. It happened in the middle of the road and it was stressful, dangerous, and costs more than I have. This is a bad situation. But even in the midst of dealing with this, it’s been really heartwarming to see how many total strangers are willing to help. Twice my car had to be pushed, and twice people who I’ve never met got out of their own vehicles and helped me push. Both were smiling and wished me luck. My car is in a public parking lot while I work on it, and a motorcycle mechanic who drove by saw me with the hood open, turned around, and drove into the parking lot to offer his help. I needed it. He was friendly and cheerful. I’ve never met that man before in my life and I’ll never see him again, but just like the others he helped simply because he could.
Sometimes it feels like everyone is so afraid of each other that we don't help anyone anymore. It's nice to hear things like this and be proven wrong.
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jsprnt · 20 hours
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Americano PT. 9 | Jude Bellingham x Reader
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What happens if two individuals who absolutely despise each other are forced to interact after unforeseen events occur?
A/N: phew! this took me five million years and a bag of candy to write. remember when I told you to remember the house layout? 😉 Enjoy!
small mention: I absolutely love knowing you all are curious about the next chapter of this series. I appreciate and love all comments I get, and try to keep all my promises I make. but, trust I’m human too and need some away from writing. Though, when rude and harassing words are used in my inbox- the joy of writing this series gets absolutely sucked away. (If I’ve answered your message, this isn’t about your comment 🫶) so, please keep your rude words to yourself or I’ll turn off anonymous inbox messages and block you the next time :)
W/C: 4.016
part eight
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"I should've just taken a break to go on vacation."
Lina sighs, poking her salad with her fork, and guiding the mixture of greens and dressing up to her mouth.
"Didn't you take a trip to Paris last international break?"
Luis says, raising a brow at her words. He turns his head towards me, nudging me under the table.
"Can you believe her?" He asks, an exasperated chuckle leaving his lips. It causes me to jolt out of my half-asleep state, my eyes widening in surprise.
"What? Who?" I ask looking around and bring a hand up to rub the sleep out of my eyes.
I had rushed out of the house this morning, which meant everyone got the chance to admire my bare skin today.
Well, my stress-induced breakouts were on full display, but having some pimples wasn’t the end of the damn world anyway.
"Are you okay?" Lina joins in, placing a warm hand on my shoulder.
"Yeah, just dozed off- been sleeping horribly." I reply, eyeing my lunch with a grimace.
"Are those exams still keeping you up?"
"More like waking me up.. Do you know how many nightmares of failing an exam a person can take?” I say, my words coming out harsher and louder than I intended. My eye twitches in irritation, and I give them a crazy look.
"Woah, you have an attitude today.." Luis mutters, shifting away from me.
"Don’t piss her off.." I hear Lina say, nudging Luis.
"Never mind, I'm going back to work." I state, quickly putting my tray of food away and walking out of the cafeteria.
I mutter curses under my breath, trying to look as normal as possible to my coworkers when I pass them in the hallways.
Exam season was practically sucking the life out of me, and the added pressure of the upcoming Champions League home game against Napoli was multiplying the stress.
Thankfully, it was international break, which meant that my normal workload was cut in half. Some players not playing for in the national team had requested leave for vacation, so the training center was pretty quiet and empty today.
I only knew of injured players being here for their scheduled recovery appointments.
I finally get back in my office, sighing in exhaustion when I get to my desk. I plop down, rubbing my face to wake myself up further, before starting to work on some more content.
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"Why are you grinning like a creep?"
I turn to Luis, chuckling at his choice of words, and let go of the computer mouse.
"I just got a notification that said I passed my written exam." I beam, giving him a cocky look.
"Really?"
"Yeah, ninety-four percent..” I say, turning my head to look at the editing program. The training video we had just shot halfway edited already.
"You've been snapping at us for no reason, but I guess it was worth it- good job.." He says, shooting me a smile, and leaning in to give me a side hug.
"Yeah, sorry about that.." I apologize, fixing my wrinkled shirt. I move my hand towards the mouse again, cutting off a piece of blurry footage that we couldn’t use.
"It's fine, I guess it's payback for making you do random tasks back when you were a newbie.."
"You know, I haven't forgotten how you made me carry that heavy ass bag every morning..”
"I'm sorry, alright. You should've told me earlier that Ancelotti is basically your uncle."
I grumble at his words, jabbing his ribcage with my elbow, sending him a warning look.
"Stop talking and help me out with this.." I mutter, passing him the mouse.
He winces a little, rubbing his stomach, before snatching the mouse off of me with an attitude.
"Didn't know you were allowed to use your privilege to inflict such violence."
I roll my eyes, focused on the moving images on the computer screen. Starting to unconsciously pick at a fresh scab on my hand. Only noticing the damage I’ve done when I look down to see blood trickling down the back of my hand.
"Shit, made myself bleed.." I say, making Luis glance away from the dual monitors.
"Go to the physiotherapy room. They have a shit ton of bandages and bandaids.” He suggests, his hand going up to fix the curls falling in front of his eyes.
I nod quickly, getting up from my seat and walking out of the small, soundproof meeting room. I close the glass door behind me, hurrying over to the physiotherapy room.
I pass the glass panels facing the multiple pitches outside, the sun had been shining brightly this afternoon. Even though the sun had been setting quite early due to daylight saving time.
I knock twice when I arrive, only opening the door when I hear a loud 'come in' in response.
I clear my throat, realizing how silly it is to get a bandaid for a wound like this, but still walk in.
I'm greeted by the sight of first-team physiotherapist Iván, he smiles when he notices me, waving for me to come inside.
He was one of the nicest people working with me at Real Madrid. It would be especially fun when he would bring in his little two-year-old son with him. I couldn’t count on one hand how many times I had carried the cute boy around the training center in my free time.
"Oh, y/n. What brings you here?" He questions, shoving the white privacy curtain out of the way, only to reveal a shirtless Jude lying on the treatment table, his eyes opening to peer over at me.
The personalized shoulder brace he'd been wearing for the past couple matches, was taken off for obvious reasons, and placed on the other side of the bed.
I look away a moment later, feeling my chest tighten, internally wincing at the thought of Jude having a dislocated shoulder and still playing football. Despite all of the aggressive and offensive play we had gotten used to this season, he was handling it well- but I wouldn’t ever utter it out loud.
Because- who wants to inflate that ego even more? Or was that even possible?
"Hi, Iván.. Just wondering if you got a bandaid for me?" I avert my gaze to the physio, and raise my brows. I hold my hand up to show the wound, and smile when he nods in response.
"Yeah, just a second.." He shoots Jude a quick wink, washing his hands before coming over. He begins to rummage through the cabinet, flipping through a pack of bandaids before handing me one closest to my skin color.
"Here you go.. Do you need anything else?" He asks, eyeing the blood on my hand.
"Nope, only this. Thank you.." I smile, quickly wiping down the blood from my hand and gently placing the bandaid on my wound.
I throw the bloody wipes and wrappers in the dedicated trash can, turning around again when I’m done.
I make accidental and involuntary eye contact with Jude instead of Iván, who's already across the room busy with some paperwork. Probably documenting the progress of Jude’s injury.
My eyes automatically dart down to his shoulder, and unbelievably, my eyes slip to his chest, then to his-
I stiffen when I regain consciousness of what I’m doing, and look away with haste. I fight the urge to smack myself in the face, instead biting the flesh of my cheek when I notice him smirk at me.
"What are you looking at?" He questions, voice low and his cocky tone too obvious to ignore.
My eyes widen slightly when he speaks, and I take a step forward as if to say I’m not intimidated.
"Just- looking at your shoulder.." I say, cringing at the way the words leave my mouth.
"So, you’re worried about me now?"
I give him a look of disgust, a chuckle of disbelief leaving my mouth.
"You wish, Bellingham. I heard Ancelotti is confident in putting you in the starting lineup on Wednesday. You better put your best foot forward, and if we don’t end up winning..." I trail off, threatening him slightly with my tone. I then turn around and leave the room.
I couldn’t lie, being rude to him after he'd dislocated his shoulder and still played made me feel a little guilty.
Though, he had a huge gift of being the ultimate douchebag, even when he’d been having his 'decent' moments lately.
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“He’s only turned nineteen two- no three months ago, and he’s already scoring in the Champions League..” Luis gawks, grabbing the equipment bag out of my hand.
“I know, it’s so fun to see young players flourish..” I mutter, mentally recalling the interview I just did with Nico Paz. Since it was his first goal for Real Madrid, we had just done an interview in celebration.
“He is a year younger than you.. Is he really that young to you?” Luis teases, pushing me away when I pretend to kick him.
“What? Are you trying to undermine my accomplishments?” I question, trying to kick him again.
“Hey! See, this is how immature you are.. Step back, dude get off…” He says, and I scuffle with him for a moment, gasping when he tries to put me in a headlock.
“Okay, you always do this- stop everyone is looking..” I mutter, squeezing his arm.
“How fuckin’ childish are you?” I hear a familiar voice say. I snap my head up, Luis’ arm loosening as he immediately lets me go.
“As much as I want to be...” I state, my hand traveling up to fix my hair and clothes.
I hear Jude scoff, he gives me a nasty look before taking a step forward, but I notice him freeze in my peripheral vision when he hears someone calling out to me.
“y/n?!” The person shouts, and I look around for a moment before my eyes land on…
The guys from Naples?
What’s his name again?
“Chris?..” I say, my voice low and as enthusiastic as I can manage to pretend.
Fuck, I never even answered his DM’s..
Well, should I really give a guy who looks like trouble a chance?
My common sense says: NO.
I watch him bring an arm around my back, his hand resting on my shoulder blade when he hugs me tightly. Like we’ve been friends for freaking years…
“How have you been? Thought I’d see you here..” He beams, his hand going up to fix the fluffy mop of blonde hair on his head. Aussie accent undeniably mesmerizing like last time.
He is so pretty, but the kind of pretty that told me he was a full on man-wh*re..
“Hi? Good, what are you doing here?” I ask, trying to stop the grimace forming on my face. I lean in, taking a closer look at the badge hanging from his neck.
Surprisingly enough, it says ‘VIP’- I look up at him with a questioning look, waiting for him to explain.
“Oh- this.. someone I know gifted me this pass..”
Yeah, very believable.
He smiles nonchalantly, the skin of his cheeks denting as his dimples show.
I nod as if I understand, glancing at Luis, so he can get me out of this conversation.
“You’re the drunk guy from that night!” Chris suddenly exclaims, pointing at Luis.
Could this get even more awkward.
I tune out the stupid conversation they have, shuffling backwards only to bump into Jude.
Thankfully, not against his injured shoulder.
“Oh, sorry..” I whisper, not even registering his response before he’s rudely interrupted.
“Man- no way you’re the Jude Bellingham..”
I close my eyes in embarrassment, turning around to face Jude instead of both Luis and Chris.
I raise my brows at Jude, giving him a look only readable as ‘send this man away’..
He immediately plasters an all too good, fake smile on his face. Stepping behind me to greet Chris, and begins talking to him about the match.
I can only hear a jumble of both Brum and Aussie accents, it making me want to burst into a fit of laughter. Though, I manage to keep it in, looking at Luis to see if he’s still present in the conversation.
He isn’t, as expected. No surprise, he’s fidgeting with his damn camera again.
I stand there like a statue for the next two minutes, looking back and forth between the two accented men.
It’s a comical sight, especially when I can’t even understand some words.
I sigh in relief when Jude pats Chris’ shoulder, careful with his injury when he goes in for a handshake.
I watch Jude leave swiftly, his facial expression falters immediately, and his hand goes up to rip the shoulder brace off his body, harsher than I’ve ever seen him do before.
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"My brain is going to explode, fucks sake.."
I mumble, stretching my arms and legs. I get up from the dinner table in order to walk around the backyard for a moment. Trying to get some fresh air, even though it's past midnight already.
I loved studying at the dinning table way more than upstairs in my room. It felt less lonely- especially since my dad had been gone for a couple weeks now. His work and the case had taken an interesting turn, which meant that his stay had to be prolonged.
I didn't mind, in fact, I loved living alone. Except for when I heard random noises at night. It could've been a bird flying against the window, and I’d still be paranoid.
Since it was our day off, after winning 2-0 against Napoli yesterday- I thought I'd go ahead and continue cramming for my last exam I had in a couple days.
I yawn and stretch my limbs, looking up at the clear sky and stars. It had gotten so much colder since December was almost here.
My pajama shorts are not providing warmth, but I can’t be bothered to go up and change when I’m going back inside in a minute anyway.
I can hear my back cracking when I turn to stretch, making me chuckle. I was only twenty, but those hard ass chairs and sitting in them for long periods of time, made me feel like I was double my age sometimes.
I'm brought out of my thoughts when I hear my phone ring loudly from the dinning table. I jog back inside quickly, throwing my slippers off my feet and snatch my phone. Confusion settling on my face when I read the caller ID.
I immediately pick up, pressing the phone against my ear. Worrying about something horrible happening in the middle of the night.
"Dad? It's late, something wrong?" I say in one breath, left hand clutching the backrest of my chair.
"y/n, nothings wrong. I just need you to listen carefully..”
"Okay." I spit out, just wanting him to get to the point, my brain making up all types of things.
"It's concerning one of my clients. Something unexpected just happened, and he's going to have to stay over at ours for a while."
I pause at his words, frowning in confusion, even though he can’t see my face.
"What? So, you're calling me- because I need to let an unfamiliar guy into our house- so he can sleep here? Is it a criminal?”
I gasp, hand gripping my phone tighter.
“A murderer?! Dad! How can you-”
"-y/n.." He cuts me off, voice stern, but I’m able to hear the grogginess of his tone. He'd probably been sleeping before he was awakened.
"It's no stranger- it's Jude, okay? He's not safe in his own home- relating the case I took on. I offered for him to stay over out of concern for his safety. So, he's going to have to stay with- you for a while."
I stay quiet, taking in all of the information he's giving me. I can already feel a migraine creeping up on me, letting go of my chair to massage my temple with one hand.
"I have to get the guest room- ready?" I say, processing everything and trying to understand what I’m supposed to do.
"Yes, I know you two are- friendly. Please be understanding and responsible. I'll call you in the morning, just get him settled and go to bed. You got that, honey?"
"Yeah, I got it. Uh- I'll get the room ready.." I say, already walking up the stairs and into the guest bedroom.
"Good, again- I'll call you in the morning- good night, sweetie.."
I quickly hang up after saying goodbye, running around, and making the bedroom look presentable. I change the bedsheets and wipe the dust off the vanity with a swift motion. It takes me about ten minutes and a sweaty forehead, before the doorbell rings repeatedly.
I run down the stairs, almost tripping due to my haste.
I take a deep breath when I reach the front door, trying to collect my thoughts and feelings before swinging the door open.
Jude's house was unsafe to stay in, so he's staying here- right..
The front door squeaks when I open it. An exhausted-looking Jude entering my sight, his black suitcase is on the floor, to his right- looking like it’s about to burst at its seams.
Cold air greets my face and naked legs almost instantly, making me curse internally for not changing clothes earlier.
I was too stubborn for my own good..
"Hi- umh, come in?" I say, my voice hoarse as if I hadn't spoken out loud in weeks.
He nods awkwardly, mumbling something incoherent as he begins rolling his suitcase inside.
I motion for him to take his shoes off, which he promptly does without hesitation. I turn away, grabbing some house slippers for him to wear out of the shoe rack.
I throw them next to his feet, watching his eyes flicker up and down as he steps back for a moment.
"You alright?" I ask, worried about the lack of words he's using.
It was unlike him, whether we’re arguing about some stupid shit or I’m filming an interview- he always had something to say.
"Yeah, I'm fine.." He mutters, looking up and finally making eye contact with me.
"The bedroom is upstairs.." I trail off, reaching over to grab his suitcase, but he snatches the heavy luggage up with one hand, immediately making his way up the stairs.
I watch the muscles in his arm flex as I walk behind him. I stop dead in my tracks when I realize what I’m doing and practically start running up the stairs to catch up to him.
I walk ahead of him when we reach the top of the stairs, opening the guest bedroom door for him.
"This is your room, bathroom is there, and the laundry room is over there." I point, turning around to face him.
"Thanks.." His Brum accent is thick, and he looks at me like a lost man in crisis.
I clear my throat, unable to pick between being nice and acting like how we normally interacted.
"Are- do you want to go shower?" I mutter, raising my brows.
I only realize how wrong my sentence sounds the second it leaves my mouth. To cover my embarrassment, I clear my throat again, putting my hands behind my back.
"Yeah- I should.." He responds, and I step aside to let him in the bedroom.
"I'll be downstairs.."
I inform, running down the stairs the second he shuts the door behind him.
I rub my eyes aggressively when I walk into the living room area. Sitting on the couch, I wonder if this is some delusional fever dream.
Maybe it’s just a different genre of dreams, next to those nightmares I had about failing exams.
I mean- who can make this up?
I get up to my feet again, walk up to the fridge, and begin filling up a huge glass with water. I bring the cup up to my lips, and slowly sip on the cool liquid, hoping it will help me feel grounded again.
I exhale deeply when I'm halfway through the cup. Going for my last gulp of water again, I fill my mouth with the rest of the water. My cheeks almost exploding from the amount of water in my mouth.
Suddenly, I'm absolutely- fucking-scared shitless as I'm poked in between my shoulder blades. I turn around in a shift motion, accidentally spraying out the water in my mouth- onto a shirtless Jude's chest.
My eyes almost bug out of my head in shock. My jaw slacks open when I observe the aftermath.
He can only look at me with a blank face. I can’t detect any emotion in his face, but he’s probably equally as mortified as me.
"Shit- sorry.." I blurt, turning around, and grabbing a kitchen towel. I scramble for a second, and start to vigorously..wipe.. his..chest..
I only realize I'm rubbing on his chest like I’m giving him a damn massage- mid-wipe and freeze.
My body goes rigid and my hands are resting on his now dry, naked chest.
I look up at him, only seeing part of his face with help from the dim lights in the kitchen. My breathing slows down, and he looks down at me in return.
I can feel my heart pounding in my ribcage, and I'm sure anyone within meters of me could hear.
His skin is soft and warm underneath my fingertips-
"I- was going to ask how the shower works.." Jude whispers, his warm breath hitting my face. I can make out his brown eyes peering into mine, a series of unspoken and caged words behind them.
His words make me stop breathing for a moment. I remove my hands off of him at lightning speed, the kitchen towel falling to the floor mindlessly and I step back immediately.
"Oh- yeah, sure. Follow me.." I scramble a couple words together, my brain working overtime. I walk up the stairs again. Leading him into the bathroom, noticing he had left the lights on, his discarded shirt on the bathroom counter.
"Here- left is hot, right is cold. This is the best temperature.." I instruct, pointing when necessary and don’t dare to look up at him as he stands behind me.
"This button is for the radio and this one for the ventilation.." I say, pressing some buttons to show him how they work.
"Okay.." He breaths out, his warm breaths hitting the back of my neck. I can practically feel his eyes drilling into the back of my head.
I finally turn to look at him, dragging my gaze up to make awkward eye contact with him.
"Anything else?" I ask, voice low and I begin fidgeting with the hem of my shorts.
"Not really..” He replies, sentence dragged out by his accent.
"Umh- okay.. laundry hamper is there. I'll be in my room.." I trail off, pointing my thumb behind me, and walk out of the bathroom without saying anything else.
I quickly clean up the mess I - no, he caused in the kitchen. I wipe everything down properly and grab my laptop and stationary off the dining table.
I carefully lock the front door and windows on the first floor, setting up the alarm and going back upstairs.
I can hear some noise coming from the bathroom. I begin averting my gaze, just in case Jude walks out of the bathroom half-naked again.
I finally get into my bedroom, jumping into my bed. I try to distract myself with my phone until he's done with showering. So I can finally wash my face and brush my teeth after a long day of studying.
Only, this time- my phone doesn’t seem to be all too interesting. Not even those brainrotting and attention grabbing TikTok’s.
Nothing, and I mean nothing- could distract me from anything that had happened within the past thirty minutes..
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you'll be ok
jason grace x fem!reader
Authors note: I haven’t written in a while I’m sorry if this is meh also it’s in y/n (you perspective)!
Warnings: None
syn: jason is feeling overwhelmed with who he should be and who he wants to be.
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It was midnight as the Argo ii sailed across the seas. The night was beautiful. The waters reflected the jittery stars in the sky. Jason sat at the edge of the ship, his head on his knee. He looked as he felt, troubled and a sense of confusion. All these made up memories, feeling more at home at a different camp than where he was raised. He felt conflicted on what he should feel.
Y/N restlessly flipped in her bed. It was like this lately. Not being able to sleep until the cracks of dawn. She sighed heavily, grabbed a blanket and got up and made her way down the halls of the Argo II. Small snores and swoons were heard in the dark hallway. She noticed one door was open, Jason’s. She mentally noted that and went up the stairs leading to the outside of the ship. As her eyes adjusted to the night light she noticed the blonde guy missing from his quarters sat at the bow of the ship. She made her way over to him and noticed he looked distressed and deep in thought.
“H-hey Jason,” You said. Jason slightly jumped at the sound of her voice, startled that someone else was up at this time of night.
“Sorry sorry didn’t mean to make you jump!” Y/N exclaimed.
Jason patted next to him acknowledging for her to sit, “no please sit down I’m sorry I just wasn’t expecting anyone else out here.”
You furrowed your eyebrows, “are- are you ok?”
Jason smiled softly, “yes- no I’m ok I don’t want to burden you.”
Y/N slapped his shoulder lightly, “you can never ever burden me Jason. Whatever is bothering you, you can talk to me ok? I’m here for you, always.”
Jason sighed and rubbed a hand on the back of his neck, “I’ve just been feeling stressed ever since leaving Camp Jupiter and the Argo II accidentally attacking there. They probably think I’ve outright betrayed them without knowing the truth. And it’s just been making me think who am I? And who do I want to be? Roman, Greek? How many more false memories do I have? It’s all very overwhelming.”
You listened inventively. Your heart ached for him and how you wish you can just take even a half of his pain away from him. He was a puppet to so many and you wanted to help him. Help him find who he deserves to be, and help him find his peace.
You scooted closer and wrapped your blanket across his legs to keep him warm. You placed a hand on his shoulder and looked into his blue eyes. “I think Jason Grace is who Jason Grace is. a loving, selfless, kind soul who will help anyone in need. Someone who wouldn’t think twice of sacrificing himself for his friends. And that Jason, that’s something not even fake memories can take away from you. That’s just who you are. The rest of this will come as you navigate this newfound freedom outside of Camp Jupiter. There’s no harm in being both. It will come and you’ll know when it hits you. You’ll be ok I promise.”
Jason pulled your hand off his shoulder and held it softly in his hand, “Thank You Y/N, that makes me feel better, I’m grateful to have someone like you in my life.”
You smiled at him warmly, “of course dummy and if you ever need a reminder of how sweet and awesome you, my quarters is hmmm? 2 doors down from ya….. on the right side.”
He chuckled and surprisingly leaned in to kiss the top of your forehead, “I’ll be sure to take you up on that.”
You blushed softly, “I hope you do.”
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anpanmann · 2 years
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💬
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Shirayuki: some spineless bitch doubted my moral conviction and tried to use my lack of title to manipulate you so I immediately threw myself off the building to prove a point
Obi: I jumped off after her no context no questions asked
Zen: I have to kiss someone on the mouth about this immediately
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castielsupernatural · 3 months
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is it possible to die from stress
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lem-argentum · 5 months
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ggOOD EVENING I GOT . INTO ART SCHOOL :’)?
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sapphicsnzs · 2 months
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im so grateful for this corner of the internet where i can just get my frustrations out
#self obs#i will delete this later but i just need to get it out#i told my two best friends about how i got rejected and they both were just like move on lol#like i don’t think they realize how awful i feel right now like literally that was my dream and im scared im never gonna be able to do it#i also somehow have to tell my parents and that’s a whole different problem#my parents are already up my ass about me quitinh my job for no reason#well basically i think they’re trying to get me to move home for the summer which doesn’t make sense to quit my job i’ve been working at#for almost a year to come back and get a job for a month#but like i can’t think of another reason that my parents would randomly want me to quit my job#so i’m stressed about that and now i also have to tell them i got rejected and now i can’t start the part of my degree that i need for my#fucking job and fuck i’m so stressed and don’t know what to do#and im just like so embarrassed and everyone is acting like its not a big deal even tho like if i apply again i probably won’t even get it#because i didn’t even make it past the interview phase and anyways im just so upset with myself and everything#i like actually thought my life was turning around and i was gonna be happy finally but nope#anyways this is just me sobbing and trying to let out my frustrations because no one will actually listen or validate that i’m upset#whatever im gonna go drink some wine and probably pass out on the floor of my room
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guccifloralsuits · 5 months
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sorry I haven’t been around lately the stress of my everyday is creating crippling & debilitating anxiety that’s disrupting my ability to function in life :)
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ghostyears · 6 months
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I’ve been no contact with my family for about three weeks now and ive been coping with in about as well as you’d expect (with depression)
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hey friends is it normal to just feel. numb. because I think that maybe it is not. but what would I know anyway.
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binders-and-beanies · 25 days
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Doin bad again folx
#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable#summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400#literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all#not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due#able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much#my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one#i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts#nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops#I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness#I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too#bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that#+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me#my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life#on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them#currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn#I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief#but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors#despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee#Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse#fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn#mine#txt#vent post#suicidal ideation tw#<- cry for help
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intofree · 1 month
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I FOUND THE SPHINX
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taohun · 6 days
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help… the palpitations…
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just-rogi · 1 month
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#like I’m sorry#I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me#and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard#and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles#but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way#and has never worried about money as a kid#and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course#but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book#like she did everything she can to understand and relate#but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone#because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am#and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping#I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind#but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child#that are impacting by daily life and interactions#and like I feel so fucking alone#and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING#I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops#I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd#especially not therapists of color#I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months#and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me#like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having#flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking#and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me#because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before#like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very#upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis#and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it??#I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary
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milo-is-rambling · 1 month
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I wish I had friends near meeeeeee to distract me from my brainnnnnnnnnn
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#need to talk to anyone irl who isn’t related to me or dating my mom or my therapist#anyone else near me please I’m losing my mind#nature isn’t healing me sleeping in a fully dark room all day isn’t healing me how do I magically fix this without having to put any work#into it oh I can’t oh u have to do the work okay how do I do that. therapy once a week. oh. okay. yup.#can I speedrun it? oh no? I can’t. oh damn. okay fine whatever. therapy once a week. AND I HAVE TO ACTUALLY LISTEN AND DO WHAT SHE SAYS. bro#what the hell okay fine#well here I am !!!!! where is the fixing where is the feeling better I feel like all I do is stir up all these touch emotions from every#part of my life at once and then she sends me off to rot for week before I come back and talk again#I just feel like I’m losing it!!!!! and ik it’s extra bad bc birthday countdown is on in my brain and im stressed and i feel like a huge#fuck up that can never be fixed and like I will die having done nothing with my life except weigh other people down and so exhausting and my#brain won’t ever shut up like yes I get it years and years and years of built up shit that I never properly dealt with and still hold blame#for constantly and I feel like I will never be fixed like I CANT be fixed like this is a losing battle and I just am struggling today man#idk what I was saying I just took my morning weed hit to try and relax my back a little and now my brain is like scrambled eggs#which is good that means it’s working#I’m gonna try to take a nap maybe cause I only slept four hours and it was like choppy thru the night and then maybe I’ll go to the lake#later I’ve been feeling the need to be in a body of water recently
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