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madiblaire-blog1 · 6 years

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The last letter of my broken heart to the one who broke it.

Hi!

Today is exactly our 101st day apart, right now you're probably with your new girlfriend -- enjoying, contented, and feeling loved. Maybe she made you feel loved than I did, or maybe not. It's just that you love her more than you loved me -- or did you love me?

Our almost 2 years in a relationship, I used to believe you did. Maybe you did, or maybe you were just good on lying.. or maybe I just trusted you so much I believed whatever it is that you said. Baby, I wished you really did love me.

Did love me..

I can't believe that all of "us" is now all referred to in past tense. I still can't believe that it is all in the past; that now, I'm just a part of your past.

But life being cruel, I'm forced to accept things as they are now. So here I am, writing the last letter of my broken heart to the one who broke it.

It's you.

Ofcourse it's you. There was nobody else but you.

Do you know that quote in facebook that goes something like you are in a car, and it's pouring really hard and then you go under a bridge and then everything goes magically peaceful or silent -- that makes you feel okay.. but when you go past it, everything hits you a little harder than before.

Baby, you were my bridge.

You left me with depression episodes that comes like raging waves. Every wave bigger than the other, one after another -- leaving me no room to breathe, or to prepare or to even do anything.. so I let myself drown.

Drown in this ocean of a mental sickness I am in, drown with the broken heart I have filling my body of tears. I am drowning. I am drowning from many things; and that reminded me..

You weren't just my bridge. You were also my lifeboat, my oxygen, my cure, my everything.

And without you, I'm lost, I'm a mess, I'm hopeless.

Most importantly, broken.

But someone told me,

"If you're broken, you do not have to stay broken."

It took a while, but I came around.

Healing starts with a choice, and I will finally choose to heal because the dagger you are, left me a wound that would scar me for life.

I'm not mad, I'm hurt but I don't blame you. Because healing starts with forgiveness; and I forgive you for letting go. I forgive myself for holding on, and lastly, I forgive us for not working it out. But maybe we just weren't meant to work out. This is where acceptance comes in, I was able to forgive, because I learned to accept things are not always how we want them to be. I accepted that even if we give it a good fight, we still wouldn't make it because we can't battle against fate. I've accepted the fact that you are now happy with someone else, and that someday I will be too. I've accepted everthing that happened, and did not happen. Acceptance, was a result of me letting go. Letting go of all of our dreams that we planned to accomplish together. I let go of all the things we promised each other. I let go of you, and the thoughts of us. I let go of all hopes, and the love I have for you. I let go of all the bitterness and jealousy that lived in me for quite so long.

So.. this is me moving on.

This is me choosing to move on. This is me picking up all the shattered pieces of my heart -- not to force them back together but because I want God to heal it. I'm taking it with me, on this journey called life.

I have to stay alive.

This is me choosing life. This is me, beginning to walk towards the path prepared for me. This is me preparing for myself.

This is me choosing myself. Finally. This is me, choosing to love all the broken pieces of me, all the flaws written in the scars on my body and in my soul.

This is me moving on.

So thank you, for being a part of my life. For teaching a lesson hard to forget. Thank you for the pain. Thank you for everything.

Goodbye, love. You'll always be one I will never forget, but I have to forget how I feel about you. This is the end, baby. I still wish you all the best. I love you.

#open letter #moving on #letting go #acceptance #forgiveness #farewell #brokenheart #healing #moving forward

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just-kateblr · 7 years

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I was tagged by @my-wanton-self

1. What’s your biggest pet peeve? Willful ignorance and people who are purposefully inconsiderate. (They’re related, I suppose, but can manifest differently.)

2. What one fear would you like to conquer? Currently, my biggest that I would like to conquer is openly presenting myself as female to the world.

3. What’s your favourite song lyric and why? There are quite a few it’s hard to pick just one. The one I’ll go with is from Sweet Jane from the Velvet Underground: Some people they like to go out dancin’/ and other people they have to work. Just watch me now/ and there's even some evil mothers/ Well there gonna tell you that everthing is just dirt/ you know that women never really faint/ and that villians always blink their eyes/ that children are the only ones who blush/and that life is just to die/ But anyone who ever had a heart/ they wouldn't turn around and break it/ and anyone who ever played a part / They wouldn't turn around and hate it. Why do I like it? I think it kind of speaks for itself.

4. If you could shop at one store for free, which would it be? I would have to flip a coin between Nordstrom or Costco.

5. Which language would you like to speak fluently? Spanish.

6. What secret super power would you like to have, and why? Shapeshifting. You could get into just about anywhere.

7. Would you like to be famous and what would you like to be known for? I have no desire to be famous.

8. What was the worst haircut you ever had? A long time ago, I moved to Northern Virginia and needed a haircut. I went to a barbershop that apparently specialized in military cuts and while I just asked for a trim, he got out clippers and after the first pass, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up with something pretty close to a high and tight. It was awful.

9. What are the most important qualities in friends? Honesty, intelligence, the willingness to share thoughts and opinions, good sense of humor, empathy, and a desire to make things better somehow. I love having a common understanding and, at the same time, being able to challenge and be challenged.

10. What’s the most significant lesson you’ve learned in life so far? People’s needs will not always match your own; it’s what they do at that point that is important. Also, sometimes life is shitty, but it generally improves eventually. Maybe not in the way you thought, but you’ll find that it’s no longer shitty. (Yes, I know, that’s technically two. I’m lousy at following the rules.)

11. What makes you laugh the hardest? My daughters. They’re just plain funny.

12. What’s your proudest accomplishment? That’s a hard one because I tend not to look back too much. Plus, much of what I’ve accomplished has also been because other people have played along, so I can’t take full credit.

13. If you could have any view out the window of your room, which would it be? The ocean. I grew up near the water and am now in the middle of the US. I would love to be near a large body of water.

14. If you could eat dinner with one celebrity, who would it be, and why? I can’t say that he’s a celebrity, but Barack Obama is certainly famous and would be an amazing dinner companion. I’d probably want to have a ranging conversation about policy, his life, and experiences as President. Plus, for bonus points, I’d try to get him to open up and vent about how he really feels about Trump.

15. If you could do something dangerous just once with no risk, what would you do? I can’t think of much, I’ve already done a number of things that people consider dangerous. I think removing the fear of danger would take away the adrenaline and most of the fun.

16. What’s your all-time favourite music video? Undercover of the Night by The Rolling Stones. It’s a great video; almost like a short film.

17. Which three words would you use to describe yourself? Smart, funny, empathetic.

18. What’s the first thing you’d do if you suddenly changed into the opposite sex? As a trans woman, I’m going to write my own rules here. I am a woman, but if I suddenly had the body of a cis woman, I’d explore my tits and bits, then masturbate like there was no tomorrow.

19. What’s your favourite website, and why? I have eclectic tastes and moods, so it varies by the minute and the hour. I love all of the information and places that I can go with the internet.

20. If you got a tattoo, what would you get and where would you put it? I cannot think of one thing I would want on my skin forever. If I had to choose, I might either get “Be Here Now” in a nice font on my wrist OR a butterfly on my shoulder for the symbolism.

21. When you’re down, what do you do to feel better? I try not to wallow too long and look to do something to change the channel. That usually involves moving my body in some way or another. I also reach out to dear friends for conversation and engagement.

22. If you could go on tour with a band for a month, who would it be, and why? Not my thing.

23. What’s you favourite dessert? I have a weakness for cannolis. Good ones, though. The kind where the outside is freshly baked and then filled immediately before serving, so you have the mix of the crunch and the softness. Divine!

24. What one thing would you want to do most if you had all the money in the world? Ensure that money was not a barrier to anyone seeking further education.

25. Who’s the least obvious person you’d like to kiss? Least obvious? Maybe Sam Rockwell. There is something about him that I find strangely sexy.

26. Would you join in at a topless beach? At this point, if I had a nice set of boobs, I would happily share them at a topless beach.

27. Where would you most like to travel? I have too many choices to list here. I would travel almost incessantly if I could. I’ve not yet been to South America, Africa, or Antarctica, so those would be on the top of my list.

28. What would you eat for your ultimate birthday dinner? I tend to like food that is good and fresh. I’d start with a fresh salad, with bleu cheese and bacon. Grilled filet mignon. Very fresh corn on the cob. Freshly baked bread with a nice crunchy crust. Roasted brussel sprouts. Good cannoli for dessert.

29. What was your most embarrassing moment? Eh, if you really want to know, hit me up in chat. It’s a bit of a story that involves Chinese food and getting sick in a work colleague’s hotel room. It was mortifying when it happened, but it’s pretty darned funny.

30. What historical sporting event would you like to witness? In person, I’d love to the 1999 Men’s NCAA Basketball Championship. My alma mater, the University of Connecticut, was the underdog and upset heavily favored Duke for their first national championship. It was great to watch on TV, but it would be amazing to see in person.

31. Which song evokes the strongest memories for you? Missing You - John Waite

32. What’s the best birthday celebration you can imagine? I don’t ever want a huge celebration, I’d love to have a bunch of close friends around where we can talk, drink, eat, laugh, and generally just enjoy everyone’s company.

33. What’s your favourite ethnic food? Mexican.

34. Do you have any habits you’d like to give up? Procrastination.

35. What would you save first if your house caught on fire? Children, spouse, then pets.

36. Who would you trade places with for one month? I’m not picky, and this might sound shallow, but I’d trade places with an able bodied cis woman who is considered above average in appearance. In other words, I’d love to see what it was like to live as an unequivocally gorgeous woman.

37. What’s the story behind your first name? I had the joy of being able to select one for myself, which ended up being harder than I thought. I like what I landed on, though.

38. What’s been the biggest obstacle in your life so far? I don’t like the word obstacle. I take it to mean a barrier that blocks things. While I have had plenty of challenges, I try to not let those things block me. My hope is to always move forward, even if it is slowly. No question, my biggest challenge is being trans.

39. Have you ever stolen something? What was it? Why did you steal it? Ugh, yes. I was traveling in Australia some years ago and I noticed a wallet sitting on some phone books at the post office. I looked inside and there was a couple hundred dollars in it. I left it sitting there and went to make my call, but kept my eye on it. Someone else from the hostel I was staying in walked in, saw the wallet, and then we locked eyes. I indicated that I didn’t know whose it was and he reached in an pulled out the cash. I figured, if it was going to be stolen, I was going to benefit from it (I was low on cash at the time). We walked around the corner, he split the money with me and we went our separate ways. I still regret doing this and wish that I had picked up the wallet when I first saw it and turned it in.

40. To you, what’s the secret to happiness? I believe happiness is really just enjoying life’s simple and pleasurable moments. We’ve got so much that goes on that has peaks and valleys of emotion and it is important to feel those, for the good and the bad. It is the small moments that are the glue to our lives, though. A laugh with a friend. Warm sunshine on your skin on a cool day. The smell of salt air. To me, it’s enjoying those moments that are what make for happiness and joy.

Please do not feel compelled to do this, but I’m going to tag a few people whom I would love to see their responses. I tag @mymindisdrawinga, @annacaffeina, @perfectlyscrumptious, @perfectlywhelmed, @visionaria, @tumbleweedsinmyvagina, @ptero-bites, @misslondoncallin, @vampysquid, and I started thinking this list was getting long, so I stopped, but please feel free to respond away if you are taken with the idea.

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mindthebreakingwaves · 6 years

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Just a stupid blog article about what 2017 brought me.

I've been wanting to write for a year now. But everything happens so quickly, and time flies, and with it goes the will, the logic, the reason to write again.

I dont really know what I come here to say. I guess it's a hearbreak bringing me here. And how it made me confront all my issues once again. And its the end of the year, so I guess its time for some soul searching, to evaluate what ive accomplished this past year, what walls ive punched through, and which new ones ive build.

First the good. The travels, the adventures, the never ending journey to see beautiful places, to realise my dreams. Ive been almost everywhere I wanted to. And obvisouly the list grew longer. With every dream landscape I checked out of my list, i added a new one, cause i never want this feeling to stop. Cause travelling is a drug. Cause the day you can sit and stare at the Grand Canyon, or swim in the transparent water of the Bahamas, or tan at the Varadero Beach, this day you're so high you never wanna get down again. Cause walking through the streets of New Orleans brought me so much joy and peace I'll spend the rest of my life looking for that feeling. Cause the laughs, the cries, the insecurities, everything just blends together in something so strong, so beautiful when you get to sit in four states at once. And it feels like I cant even remember everything ive seen or experienced, and I'm already planning what's coming next. I need a new fix.

But thats not all that was good this year. I found myself capable of being reliable, of working hard, of liking working hard. I dont know how i could have thought i was lazy cause im not. Im the opposite, work is an escape, work obliterates every stupid thoughts, every sad, every anxious idea. Ive wanted to drown myself into work, and the second I dont I just break a little bit again. I know I can do it, the best that I can. Ive done more in a year than ever before.

But I guess thats when the bad comes in, between work and my adventures. And is it really bad ? Ive done things i never thought i could do. Ive lied to myself and to others, ive been a mistress, ive been a heartbeaker, ive used people to numb the pain and the guilt. But ive also fulfilled some of my darkest and most secret fantasies. Ive confronted a part of me i was afraid of. And now im not afraid of it anymore, I now know what I would like, what I could do, if I only met someone who got me.

And I loved. More than ever before. Because I always stopped myself, I always stayed in my bubble, Ive always pushed people away. But at the beginning of the year, A. was opening up something in me, and some sort of hope just got into the cracks. Some hope and some bravery I guess. Something really stupid and overrated, cause ive hurt so much this year, its like all the years i was hiding just came back at me at once. And ive loved so many friends, thats the silver lining in all this. Meeting people i would never have met otherwise. Trusting people with who you are, completely. Being wrong sometimes, but getting it right so many other times. Cause you can give your trust, and some people will be there to catch you when you fall, and you'd want to be there for them too. Its unconditionnal. And although its friendship, and we cant know what will happen once the program is over, its real and strong now. And its just beautiful that way.

But there were heartbreaks. Thats what brought me here I said. It started with a crush who played me, and just chose my best friend at the time, without ever apologizing. Hurt like a bitch. You know, how my emotions are always all over the place, how my BPD is always throwing me against the walls ive build. But that was the beginning, of me falling for everthing that can be wrong in someone. For a guy that could never give me anything, expect what I truly wanted without knowing it. Falling for that kind of person you never thought would ever exist for you. Someone who doesnt love you, but someone who changed everything you were. I dont think ive ever wanted someone that much. But lust isnt love. I never fooled myself. I maybe tried to fool him, while he was trying to fool me. Cause yes I wanted more, but never the more he thought. And I guess thats the only regret, that I had to stop playing a rigged game before i could open that door inside of me totally. I think if he came back, now that ive lost the one that i really want, i would start playing again. But this is a story for next year.

Cause theres the real and stupid heartbreak that brought me here in the middle of the night. The reason ive been crying at every breakup songs for the past week, even before the actual breakup. The one ive got attached to so quickly i have to blame my BPD to understand my feelings. The one who made me feel so safe I had forgotten I could even be actually happy with someone. But i dont wanna talk too much about him. Cause theres no point anymore. Cause i miss him so much it hurts. Cause he's been nothing but perfect to me. And because ill be ok next year.

Everything will be ok next year. Cause im someone different, stronger and weaker at the same time. And this year has been the best and the worst. You know how cliché it is to say « It was the best of times, it was the worst of times » ? Well it was. And i have a few more month to go, to get my fix, to get in line with myself, and to find the next step, the next thing ill wanna write about, in a year or so.

To be honest, im not even making any resolutions for this new year. And i dont even really know all the extend of what the past year has taught me. But I wanted to keep some record of it, somehow, like a summary, of all the good and bad. And thats what all this stupid tumblr article is all about.

#newyearnewme #confession #dontreadtoomuchintoit #howcliché

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