#but i think its the same fundamental urge going on

[cruelsister-moved2]

that thread i rbed like ages ago about men's urge to disagree/object to/obstruct women for no reason has seriously reset my brain its so crazy but i think actually one of the rare things that actually might represent a way forward for how men engage with women. like there's always going to be the rightwing ardent misogynists who don't care that they're doing this but for all the men in the middle that do on some level want to be better it represents 1. fairly confronting evidence that your position in the patriarchy actually affects how you relate to women much more than you realise it does even if you think of yourself as self-aware and 2. a genuine example of something that makes us all suffer because the fact you niggle on every single issue like what flavour of ice cream to buy is unhealthy for relationships (of any kind) AND introduces unnecessary amount of background strain to your life for no real gain. maybe im being an idealist but i love the idea of a man experiencing a certain amount of horror upon recognition of this as a catalyst to other more meaningful recognitions and changes both in how he evaluates the competence of women but also in recognition of the subjectivity of he perceives things i.e i think one of the biggest barriers to confronting the housework gap is often that men don't SEE how much women are doing and also don't SEE things that need to be done, to the extent that ive seen men argue that the solution is just for women to not care about being surrounded by mess. anyway no conclusion but i cant stop thinking about that thread both super horrifyingand also kind of hopeful

#i absolutely think it applies to other forms of marginalisation as well #but can take different forms e.g a man assuming he will make better choices than his wife even about something really minor and stupid #vs an abled person assuming they have more insight on a disabled persons' experienes/condition #but i think its the same fundamental urge going on #but yeah like personally i find disagreeing with ppl really unpleasant when it builds up that its like you need to pick your battles for #when it matters. of course you can go to far and avoid conflict but like as a perfectionist autist i have to constantly address my tendency #to like. get annoyed about someone pouring milk wrong or something. like even when they are actually wrong. sometimes it doesnt matter. #and i think the fact that this is how you treat people you LOVE and in many cases would probably say you respect #should make it liek especially wounding to realise #i also dont think women are immune to this behaviour as i said above and after all we pick up communication habits from the people we #communicate with. but i think it stems from patriarchy in pretty much all its iterations #and theres also an answering affect women can develop where you just shut down and learn to give in on every issue/devote your energy to #avoidit coming up in the first place #like you stop saying what flavour of ice cream you want at all. which i think is the end goal of this behaviour whether thats actually what #the person doing it desires or not thats what it seeks to achieve

[macbethz]

ok ive thought about it a bit and i dont like it. sorry. i think it fufills that kind of instant dopamine rush of pure spectacle and the idea of the doctor needing a fucking break is good but essentially splitting a fragment off of him to go have all that off-screen feels like wish fulfillment rather than good story. its also like. RUSSELL THIS IS THE SECOND TIME YOUVE BROUGHT "SPLITTING DAVID TENNANT TO HAVE AN ORDINARY LIFE" TO CLASS. LIKE WE DID THIS BEFORE.

FUNDAMENTALLY the part that most upsets me about it is it feels motivated by the same nostalgic urge that bringing back DT had in the first place, which ended up being a decision I enjoyed but I still think is rooted in this fear of change and this avoidance of tragedy. Tragedy and sadness provide catharsis, they really do, and doctor who is a show about change. It feels...emotionally stunted, in a way. like RTD is giving us pool floaties because he doesn't trust us to swim in the deep end of the pool. Its the same cautiousness that I found particularly upsetting about Chibnals tenure, and the same cautiousness that motivates the endless steam of reboots under late capitalism.

I like to HOPE that this will be resolved in the near future just as I'm HOPING biregeneration will also be explained. At least we got to see Ncuti's ass

EDIT this post i made in 5 minutes intended for my mutuals has brought me nothing but misery. Please take a film class and listen to the new Suede album. thank you

#EDIT PEOPLE FINDING THIS POST AND GETTING ANGRY. ITS MY OPINIONNNN #enjoyed the rest of the episode btw this conlusion is just. hm #Especially to then bring up all the tragic ends from Moffatt era specifically to circumvent them rubs me the wrong way idk #warlock wartalks #dw spoilers

[trancylovecraft]

Can I get l lawliet x reader headcanons?

(DEATHNOTE) YANDERE L LAWLIET x READER: General Headcannons

Thank you for ordering!

Come back soon!

⦁ Oh wow, This isn't looking good for you.

⦁ L as a yandere is Possessive, Obsessive and you guessed it.. Manipulative.

⦁ He's possessive in the way he just won't let you go, You are his. That is that. Don't try to fight him on this, He won't listen and simply just won't care.

⦁ Obsessive in the way he must know every little thing about you. Your schedule, The way you think, What is your favourite dessert or why you act the way you do. L must know it all, It's compulsive, An itch he just can't scratch out until he figures everything out.

⦁ Manipulative is pretty explanatory. This man uses his inhuman intelligence to his advantage. After he does figure out how you think and the fundamental basics it's extremely easy to make you do the things he wants you to.

⦁ I can see this starting a few ways. I don't think you or L would ever come into contact at first, I'm imagining it that maybe you were a figure in the Kira investigation. Maybe you were Lights sibling or maybe you were just a figure he saw one day going throughout their daily life.

⦁ Either way. There was just something about you that he couldn't stop thinking about. It could've been the way you looked or something you excelled in like intelligence or a particular skill, Whatever it was it captivates him and makes him want to know more.

⦁ L will instantly use his influence to get information on your life. He's gotten access to your camera's at work, He's gotten Watari to set up cameras everywhere in your apartment and made sure to keep a log of your every move.

⦁ Anyone around you he'll instantly take a disliking to, He doesn't really know why he just doesn't like people being around you at all.

⦁ He's multi-tasking both the Kira investigation and his not-so-guilty pleasure of observing you on the side. L likes looking into the monitor, Watching as you come home as he bites his nail in interest.

⦁ Of course that's all it starts as, Simple interest. It's nothing more than that at first and he's completely content with just observing you.

⦁ But of course, If that's all it became I'd be out of a hobby. As time goes on and the investigation progresses he starts to feel strange. L doesn't understand it, It bothers him and distracts him from the investigation and makes him watch you more and more.

⦁ Watari himself has to explain to L what he's feeling and at first L shoves it off as preposterous, He doesn't believe that can be the case at all. But as time goes on and on it starts to become more reasonable than he thought, All until it becomes the accepted yet surprising truth.

⦁ Afterwards just monitoring you isn't enough to quell his obsessive urges.

⦁ L gets Watari to steal stuff from your apartment, Thing's he will replace with the exact same product once taken. Stuff like clothing, Makeup, Jewellery or special trinkets that remind him of you.

⦁ He keeps these close to him while doing the investigation, It keeps him focused for a while. L even starts eating stuff that you enjoy, Mostly your favourite treats but if you don't like sweet stuff this point is moot.

⦁ If any of the task force ask him about what these objects are doing around him L will just shoo them off. He doesn't need to explain anything to them, Besides they'll probably just shrug it off as another one of his quirks.

⦁ Watari is really the only one okay with this. If this keeps L focused on the investigation and his detective work then he doesn't care, If not pity you a little bit.

⦁ Eventually even the objects surrounding you is too little for him. L needs you, He can't think straight when its not about you. He momentarily sets aside the investigation until he's got you in his clutches.

⦁ You've been living your normal life this entire time, You're completely unaware of everything that's been going on. So when you enter your work the next day you're suddenly met with your boss, Who tells you that you're fired.

⦁ You are shocked. You've been doing everything right, Getting your assignments in on time and have generally been a pleasure to work with. When you ask them however your boss tells you that you've been slacking off and therefore let go.

⦁ You're angry and confused as you leave the building, Even more confused when a non-descript white van pulls up out of nowhere and you're suddenly tossed inside by a squad team.

⦁ You're thrown to the back, Mouth duct-taped and your hands tied behind your back. While L would've manipulated you into his hold before he just couldn't wait to have you anymore.

⦁ Besides, Now that he got you fired from your job there's no one left to report your missing file. You have no family and your rent is being paid off by him, There's no one who will miss you.

⦁ After this, You two will enter the domestic stage.

⦁ You'll be confined to a single room with basic necessities. Bed, Bathroom and a few books for entertainment also with a single TV. You're confused and terrified once it turns on and a single "L" appears on screen.

⦁ He explains to you your situation and why you are here. Stating the fact that he's in love with you without any emotion or feeling whatsoever making you horrified and baffled to what's happening

⦁ Watari delivers your meals being mostly your favourite food. L knows it from all the times he's been watching you and it's one of the only comforts in this place

⦁ You'll not see L in person. Sometimes he comes back on the TV to give you announcements or orders but on rare occasions he'll try to start up mindless conversation, To which you ignore easily in favour of your stubbornness.

⦁ Every time you go to sleep, In the deep hours of the night you can swear you feel someone running their fingers through your hair. Sometimes you can barely make out whispers not coming from the TV anymore and sometimes you can even feel a body cuddle up next to you. But as soon as you try to awaken you instantly fall asleep with the single prick in your neck as a reason why.

⦁ The Kira taskforce will have no clue about you. Especially once Light is in the fold he makes sure to make it known to only himself and Watari for your protection and not to give Kira any blackmail.

⦁ L will provide whatever you request. More books, Blankets or different food though it all goes through a screening process to make sure it's safe or isn't anything you can use to escape.

⦁ Then again, If you do escape there is absolutely no way it's staying that way for long.

⦁ L will put your face on no flight lists. Watari will be 24/7 focused on finding you again, Police will be informed and told that you're a major suspect in the Kira investigation and will be patrolling for you.

⦁ Once you're forcibly pushed back into his arms that's when you finally get to see the bastard. Sitting there in such a weird position as he scolds you with a mechanical look on his face.

⦁ You know you'll never get away as he places you on his lap, Whispering little passive-aggressive remarks into your ear. You know you can't fight back either with your wrists restrained.

⦁ All you can do is sit there and hope to whatever god is up there is that it's all just a bad dream

#yandere #yandere x reader #tw yandere #moodboard #yandere x you #l x reader #l lawliet #death note #l death note #deathnote #death note incorrect quotes #death note l #death note x reader #death note x you #death note x y/n #death note x male reader #death note x female reader #death note fanfiction #l lawilet #l x you #l x y/n #l lawliet x reader #l lawliet x you #l lawliet x y/n #yandere male #yandere headcanons #yandere l lawliet #yandere lawliet

[bonefall]

post/734733274896809984/do-you-ever-worry-your-own-writing-might-come-off that makes sense. i was asking because i'm afraid of accidentally writing misogyny myself and i kind of admire what you do

Hmm... I wish I had better advice to give you on this front, but honestly, the only thing I can tell you is to consider the perspective of your female characters.

Women are people. They have thoughts and feelings of their own, so like... just let them have their own arcs. A lot of the worst misogyny in WC comes from the way that the writers just don't care about their girls (or, in the case of tall shadow, actually get undermined and forced to rewrite entire chapters), so they're not curious about their lives, or WHY they feel the way they do or what they want, or any direction for their character arcs.

Turtle Tail as an example. She'll often just end up feeling whatever Gray Wing's plot demands. She's gotta leave when Storm dumps him to make him feel lonely. She shows up again to love him in the next book. Lets her best friend Bumble get dragged back to Tom the Wifebeater, but is sad enough about her death to be "unreasonably angry" with Clear Sky, and then calms down and accept Gray Wing is right all along.

And then she dies, so he can have his very own fridge wife.

In this way, Turtle Tail's just being used to tell Gray Wing's story. They're not interested in why she would turn on Bumble, or god forbid any lingering negative feelings for how she didn't help her, or even resentment towards Clear Sky for killing her or Gray Wing for jumping to his defense. She isn't really going through her own character arc.

She does have personality traits of her own, don't misunderstand my criticism, but as a character she revolves around Gray Wing.

So, zoom out every now and then, and just ask yourself; "Whose story is being told by what I wrote? Do my female characters have goals, wants, and agency, or are they just supporting men? How do their choices impact the narrative?"

But that's already kinda assuming that you already have characters like Turtle Tail who DO have personalities and potential of their own. Here's some super simple and practical advice that helped me;

Tally the genders in your cast. How many are boys, how many are girls, how many are others?

And take stock of how many of those characters are just in the supporting cast, and compare that to the amount you have in the main cast.

If you have a significant imbalance, ESPECIALLY in the main cast, fire the Woman Beam.

It's a really simple trick to just write a male character, and then change its gender while keeping it the same. I promise women are really not fundamentally different from men lmao. You can consider how your in-universe gender roles affect them later, if you'd like, but when you're just starting to wean yourself off a "boy bias" this trick works like a charm.

Also you're not allowed to change the body type of any girl you Woman Beam because I said so. PLEASE allow your girls to have muscles, or be fat, or be old, or have lots of scars. Do NOT do what a cowardly Triple A studio does, where the women all have the same cute or sexy face and curvy body while they're standing next to dwarves, robots, and a gorilla.

Or this shit,

If you do this I will GET you. If you're ever possessed by the dark urge, you will see my face appear in the clouds like Mufasa himself to guide you away from the path of evil.

Anyway, you get better at just making characters girls to begin with as time goes on and you practice it. It's really not as big of a deal as your brain might think it is.

Take a legitimate interest in female characters and try not to disproportionately hit them with parental/romance plots as opposed to the male cast, and you'll be fine. Don't think of them as "SPECIAL WOMEN CHARACTERS" just make a character and then let her be a girl, occasionally checking your tally and doing some critical thinking about their use in the story.

(Also remember I'm not a professional or anything, I'm just trying to give advice)

#I wish I had more succinct and practical advice to give you besides the woman beam trick #Honestly I just kinda feel it out because I like telling stories about girls #I made it fun for myself by clapping and cheering and whooping and hollering whenever a girl does something #because it's not fun to write like a monk in a monastery #With the spectre of Brother Smockbimble looming over your shoulder telling you to Write Perfectly Every Time #Characters aren't real people. You can just fix it if you happen to fuck up or do better next time with what you learned. #Making mistakes is just part of acquiring skill #and writing is an art just like painting or drawing. #So don't make a fun OC project into homework! You should be enjoying making your own art! Express yourself! #Please understand that when I'm ripping into the series I'm being so harsh because it's bestselling corporate media #Read by HUNDREDS of thousands of kids worldwide #Raking in millions of dollars a year. Written by a TEAM of professionals. #So I have higher expectations of it than of a fandom rando on the internet. Or even a self-published author who's just One Guy. #Hence why I'm infinitely more charitable to Ratha than I am to Battle Cats #bones gives advice

[fruchtfleisch-art]

kirashino in killer queen's pov

You know what, I almost didn't do this one, thinking I had nothing interesting to say, but it turned out to be the microfic I had the most fun writing. Fittingly, this is also going to be the last microfic for this round! Thanks so much to everyone who sent in suggestions. I'm going to get back to editing some longer stuff, and hopefully posting more art soon! ---

This is the way of things. First there was one: Kira. Then another: Killer Queen.

Kira is a man with a man’s heart, a man’s appetites, a man’s joys and sorrows and petty tantrums. He keeps a house, goes to work, eats and sleeps and shits and talks sweetly to people he would happily feed feet first into a wood chipper. When his urges bubble up, hissing and spitting like hot milk over the lip of a sauce pan, that is when Killer Queen comes forward.

Killer Queen is a tool. Since it first emerged from Kira some fifteen-odd years ago, it has not changed in any fundamental way: smooth, vaguely feline in form, adorned in skulls and samurai swords, symbols it does not comprehend the full meaning of.

Killer Queen’s primary task is of separation. Separating body from person, limb from body, hand from limb, all without damaging them too much. And when Kira is finished with these disparate parts, when they begin to leak and sweat and stink of corruption, Killer Queen devours them, leaving nothing behind. That is what it does.

There are exceptions, of course, times when Killer Queen is needed for other purposes. The destruction of the snotty-nosed child whose stand swarmed them like fleas. The schoolboy who had pinned Sheer Heart Attack in place, but more importantly, stung Kira with his words, sending Killer Queen lashing out, cat-quick. Kira himself, forcing Killer Queen’s hand to sever his own, an action as painful as forcing blood to pump backwards.

Sometimes, rarely, when Kira is sunk deep into the dark well of a dream, Killer Queen is called forth for no apparent purpose at all.

It is theorized by some that deep in the mazelike folds of the brain, neurons fire almost at random, tiny messengers ignorant of the messages they carry. These cells have no comprehension of their importance, and yet the slightest scratch in cortex can render a man blind, deaf, or amnesiac, unable to remember what he had for breakfast or the face of his beloved grandmother. The world outside the body is not, a place of objective fact, but utter darkness, illuminated only by the scant and scattered efforts of a few million thready gray tendrils.

Such is the same with Killer Queen. It does not emerge because it wants to, but because it is called. The higher purpose behind the summons eludes it entirely. It does not perceive time away from the world as anything other than absence; it does not long to feel sunlight on its face, or to fight, or to kill.

Kira asks, Killer Queen answers. That’s the way of things.

On this night, Killer Queen hangs in the air like a haze, moonlight limning the pale curves and angles of its body. Its arms hang loosely at its sides. This is not Kira’s bedroom, but some other place, a place he has been spending most of his time in the last month or so. There is nothing to destroy in this room. Kira is-

a cat, a most beautiful tomcat with a silky soft coat, with lovely whiskers arranged just so, with eyes like deep blue pools, and he is cradled in the arms of a woman as she strokes his head, his cheeks, his chest. He does not understand what she is saying, but the words are soft, and when he nibbles on her finger she coos, delighted. Saliva wells from the corners of his mouth and dangles from his chin in long pearly strings.   

- deeply asleep, eyelids twitching. His face is different, but his habits are the same. His dreams are the same.

The woman, whose name does not matter, because she will be dead soon, is in the room too. She’s curled up like a pillbug next to Kira, face buried in the pillows. When he is awake, Kira wants very badly to strangle her, but he is not awake, so Killer Queen does nothing.

Outside, insects buzz and frogs peep. The dim orange light of the streetlamp flickers, throwing strange shadows over the sleepers. Devoid of intent, Killer Queen can only watch. Its unblinking eyes do not waver, its preternaturally muscular frame does not grow tired. Its focus is absolute.

It watches the woman stir and sit up, raise her arms in a stretch. It watches her leave the room, then come back with a glass of water. It watches her take a sip and place the glass on the nightstand, before sitting down on the side of the bed.

Kira sighs. The woman turns. She runs a hand through his hair, the movement slow and hesitant at first, until he shifts closer with a soft groan of contentment. His heart rate slows, his breathing steadies.

The woman says something to him, but it does not matter what, exactly, the words are. She sits and pets him, and gradually a soft noise begins to permeate the room, a noise only audible to the one person not awake to hear it. Kira-

knows her, this woman. This voice, this touch, the loose strand of reddish-brown hair tickling his fur, all are familiar. He stretches up to touch his nose to her nose, blinking at her, greeting her. His tiny pink tongue darts out to taste her. She laughs, and holds him close, and he feels content.

-is dead to the world, lost in his own private reverie.

The noise is like the idling engine of a well maintained motorcycle, or the deep-voiced treadle of an elephantine sewing machine, or the stuttering whirl and hum of a serpentine belt, spinning and spinning and spinning. It is like all of those things and none of those things.

Kira is the man, and Killer Queen is his tool, nothing more, nothing less. Nonetheless, tonight it purrs.

#jjba #kira yoshikage #shinobu kawajiri #killer queen jojo #kirashino #love thinking of stands not as a person but a process... i can't go all specbio on them so this is my compromise #[points at peristaltic motion of the gut] stand. [points at blink reflex] stand. [points at the blind spot you have for your nose] sta

[tanadrin]

john dehlin's interviews with david bokovoy on literary/textual criticism of the bible are super interesting in general, but i like how he talks about how you don't even need to know the first thing about the joseph smith papyri or the circumstances of its composition to know the book of abraham is a forgery--it's obvious from purely internal textual evidence alone that you cannot square it with any of the other books of the bible, even if you know comparatively little about the historical circumstances of the composition of the book of genesis, so focusing anti-apologetic attempts on the egyptological/archeological evidence is really a sideshow: historically interesting but not at all necessary.

in a later interview he also points out that purely from literary evidence alone we should conclude that there was probably a historical jesus of nazareth on whom the new testament figure is based--he points out that (just as now, really) the 1st century CE jewish expectation of a messiah-figure is so fundamentally contrary to the basic narrative elements of jesus's life that the nascent christian community is trying to rework into the biography of the messiah that it would make absolutely no sense for a purely invented figure. like, if you were going to invent someone (or if traditions were going to accrete around a purely fictitious character) to fulfill the basic characteristics of the messiah, you would think they would get basic assumptions about what the messiah is supposed to do right, and you wouldn't have to invent a completely new theology to make it work--that they did is indicative not of an invented figure, but of a real person for whom inconvenient biographical facts well-known to the community had to be renegotiated and reworked (and even then could only be renegotiated and reworked to a certain point). no one is going to invent a myth about someone who completely fails to meet every expectation of the messiah, as he puts it.

also--it strikes me that mormonism is really fuckin' verbose for a religion adding new scripture. like. okay, islam adds a whole new book (the qur'an), and it's not short, but at the same time it abrogates the hebrew bible and the new testament, so as a muslim you don't need to read those. mormonism adds not only a book longer than the new testament (~269k words to the NT's ~185k in English), the book of abraham, the book of moses, and doctrines and covenants, and the other stuff in the Pearl of Great Price, and it keeps the bible as part of the canon! that's too much damn scripture!

personally i think your religious scripture is more likely to come off as timeless if you keep it short. like, the ideal length of a holy book is the tao te ching (around 20,000 words in English). prophets and shit need to resist the urge to put every single petty grievance into sacred scrolls. save that shit for the commentary.

#the mahabharata is also too damn long #it is around 75% the length of the *entire talmud* #that is Too Much Poetry

[yeastinfectionvale]

adora. bites you. i think im finally gonna stick my paw in the water. how would u suggest. getting into f1 and associated stuff.

COYOTE!!!! BITES YOU BITES YOU BITES YOU

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YAY!!

Okay so this will be a long one

Streaming Website

Formula One:

We have had 2 out of the 24 races planned in for the season. We have a week break until racing continues in Australia. My top three previous races to watch are Singapore 2023 (the year's only non-red bull winner), USA 2005 (tyre drama, only 6 cars on the grid) and Spa 1998 (its a miracle anyone finished the race).

Formula One also has four 'support series' that have drivers feed into each other until they join F1; Formula 2, Formula 3, Formula E (the electric car series) and Formula One Academy (the all women's series!).

The lovely @lina-touro has made a f1 primer that can help you get into the series!

F1 also has a netflix series called Drive to Survive, which is not accurate but has it's moments.

Indycar:

Another 'single seater' racing series like f1, it is America based, with less races, more drivers and its own charm. IndyCar liveries are bright and colourful (cough cough F1, no more carbon fibre please.), but can be confusing as sometimes drivers don't share liveries in the same team. The IndyCar season has just started with one race passed, the next race is also less than two weeks away.

IndyCar has a feeder series called IndyNXT, a bunch of new and upcoming talent competing including Jamie Chadwick.

I don't really have many races for IndyCar to recommend as i got into the series only last year, but each race is memorable with something going on.

The wonderful @mcpodium has an indycar primer if you are interested.

Indycar does have a series called the 100 days to Indy which is a good watch.

MotoGP:

MotoGP, the beloved, has just started it's series with one race passed and around 9 days until we race in Portugal. MotoGP is different to the other series on this list as it is motorcycle based and fundamentally more dangerous (or adrenaline pumping, your choice).

MotoGP has it's own feeder series, MotoE (Electric bikes) Moto2 and Moto3 (actual children), there is so much happening in all three series, it's crazy.

I recommend races like Sepang 2015 (DIVORCE RACE), India 2023 (Bez Podium heheheh), Argentina 2018 (BATSHIT) and Phillip Island (always gives interesting races.)

Also the brilliant @dressfortheslide-nottheride has made this intro primer for motogp and the amazing @moonshynecybin has made this primer about Valentino Rossi and Marc Marquez.

MotoGP does have a series called There can only be one if you want to have a watch.

WRC:

You know when you have the urge to put on 'white girl music™' and driver at high speeds? Yeah that is what Rally feels like. We've had two rallys, and are going to Kenya in two weeks. For Rally i just recommend putting it on whenever, no need for past races. Just put the onboard on and listen.

Unfortunately there is no primer for WRC (yet) and I don't think it has a tv series like the others do (yet).

#asks??? in this economy??? #coyote tag #oof this is long #anyone else wants to add on please do #formula one #formula 1 #motogp #indycar #wrc

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter One (Part 2)

I swear that every new mobile home I’ve ever been inside has been exactly the same as the last. The Healy’s mobile is small and clad with painted wood. It’s full of old knick knacks and there is an ancient radio sitting on the windowsill, coated in layers of dust with its plastic cracking and bleached by the sun. A tiny, pale green laminate finish kitchen is squashed into the corner of the mobile. Its counters are worn down and shiny in places from decades of elbows and hands, scratches from the knives drawn across it and stains from food prepared. There is a calendar from last summer on the wall still. Cartoon cat themed. One stares out at me under the words AUGUST 2009, and I stare back, mesmerized by it’s eyes. It is hideous.

“I think that’s everything there, Evie.” Shane grunts as he drops two more clothes-stuffed gear bags onto the floor. One of them rolls immediately onto its side and something inside it makes a heavy thud, but neither of us attempts to pick it up. He’s breathing heavily from the effort of hauling our bags in, and his hair is wet. He glances down the narrow hallway towards the bedrooms, where I can hear my two friends chatting. 

“Kelly?” He calls out “That’s all the bags in, now.”

“Right, thanks” She calls back. He hesitates by the front door, fiddling with his car keys inside the pocket of his tracksuit bottoms. I wonder if he’s waiting for them to come out of the bedroom so he can have another look at Claire. They don’t emerge.

“I’m off, so” He says, still not making any moves to leave, and I feel awkward just watching him standing there, and am urged to say something to fill the silence. “Where are you staying again?” I say, wiping a winter’s worth of dust from the top of the oven and then analysing it on my finger. 

“Some friends down the other side of the beach” He tells me “Not any of my friends from home or anything, you wouldn’t know them. Just lads I know from all the summers we’d have come down here.”

“A caravan park too is it?”

“No, a house. One of the lads has a proper holiday home. His parents are letting us have it this summer because obviously we’re not going away anywhere for our leaving cert holiday.”

I nod. If we’d all been born three years earlier, the final years of our school experience would have been very different. When the economy crashed, foreign holidays were off the cards for so many of us. Where Shane and his friends might have gone to Majorca or Ibiza or Magaluf, the nation’s slimmer wallets meant that they were instead shacking up in someone’s presumably dusty holiday home on a wet and windy beach. I feel bad for them, just a little bit. It seemed to me like they were missing out on some kind of fundamental teenage experience. 

“Sure we’ll probably see you around the village at some point.” I say. 

“Ya” He says, finally stepping back over the threshold. “Enjoy the place anyway, don’t get up to too much havoc. I’ll be inspecting it in August.” He winks at me facetiously and shuts the door behind him. 

I join my friends at the back of the mobile, and together we discuss who will take each bedroom. We decide that because it’s Kelly’s family holiday home, she should get the double room. The other two rooms are tiny, so it doesn’t seem to matter too much who gets what. Claire suggests I take the twin room, insisting that it’s the better one because I could switch up where I sleep every night just to keep it interesting. She also pushes me on the view out the window between the beds. It’s the only room with a sea view. I know she wants me to take this room because she wants the extra wardrobe space in the other one, but I oblige anyway. The idea of being able to see the sea at night, even if it’s only the tiniest sliver between the dunes, feels romantic to me and I’m okay with sacrificing space for it. 

By the time we’ve unpacked our bags and filled the mini bathroom with our shampoos and toothbrushes, the rain has stopped, and Kelly hauls three wooden folding chairs out onto the deck in front of the mobile and cracks open a bottle of wine. We pour it into colourful plastic picnic cups and sit out looking at the ebbing sea in the distance. It is the longest day of the year, and the sun won’t dip below the horizon until ten tonight. Even when it finally does, we won’t get that true, inky black darkness again until late July. This is my favourite time of year. The days stretch out ahead of us endlessly, and everything feels slow and languid. I sip from my plastic cup, the smell of petrichor from the soaked tarmac is filling my nostrils, but the breeze is soft and warm again. I can’t hear the waves from here, but I can imagine how they’d sound if I was closer to them, feeling the sea water lapping gently against my ankles. 

An old man stops on the path and welcomes us to the park. Kelly knows him, and asks him about his family. He has grandchildren in a mobile home just around the corner and he tells her all about how they are. She and her family have spent every summer in this place. I bet they know every person on every corner in this whole village, and I wonder what that’s like. For me, the point of a holiday is to get away from the people who know you, to be free of the character you play for them for a little while, a chance to disappear into anonymity. I struggle to understand the appeal of being so known, to be a recognisable face in the area. 

The three of us laugh and chat together as the evening draws in, Kelly theatrically recounting all of her caravan park experiences, still remembering the names of all the boys she’d kissed behind bushes, on the tennis courts, on playground swings and in campsite shower rooms. Every childhood and teenage drama, her summer days like patchwork squares sewn together making her into the person she is. 

“He wasn’t actually Bono though, was he?” Claire said incredulously. “Like hardly it was the real one? Or..?”

“No!” Kelly cackled “He was hardly the real Bono. What, a fifty year old man hanging out with a load of fourteen year olds in a caravan park? Everybody just called him that, like, I’ve no idea why either. His real name was Cormac.” We all laugh as she empties the last of the wine into my cup. 

“I’d probably lead with that” I tell her “Like, ‘Bono touched my tit behind the village takeaway’ sounds so bad.” 

“Whatever!” She grins “Fine, Cormac did. Your one Amy from Sally Park was fuming about it too. She thought she’d be the first one of us to get to second base.”

I feel warm and fuzzy from the wine, and I let happiness flood into my body as I laugh and chat with my two best friends well into the night, as a crescent moon finally rises above the sea and the grasshoppers croak. The holiday homes that line the coast are now lit up with warm light, shining in a long line like a glittering string of beads in the distance. I wonder to myself if Shane and his friends are staying in one of them, and idly wonder if boys have these kinds of conversations with their friends. Maybe they’re on deck chairs too, drinking wine and talking about girls they’ve kissed and ones they wish they could.  

I promise to myself sleepily that tomorrow I’ll go for my first swim of the year. Maybe down to the other side of the beach. Something about those glittering lights is pulling on me.

Prev // Next

#sims 4 story #sims story #sims #sims 4 #ts4 #simlit #writing #fiction #romance #sims4 storytelling #sims 4 storytelling #sims storytelling #lucky girl part 1

[theros]

on prey drives, or the lack thereof

a lot of nonhumans have mentioned their predatory urges or prey drives on here. it's a common topic of discussion, especially when it comes to not being ashamed of these thoughts and urges. i often see posts reminding carnivores and predators that they're not bad for having prey drives and predatory urges, and that of course these are a normal part of being a predatory animal. there is nothing to be ashamed of if you have a high prey drive or want to pounce on a small herbivore for breakfast.

but the more i think on it, i don't really have a prey drive.

i'm multiple predators; bobcat, snow leopard, kestrel, fox, coyote, cougar-- and i can't think of a single time i've looked at a small animal and thought prey.

potential food, sure-- but there was no urge accompanying the thought. just an idle recognition that that creature could be food if i were in a situation where i had to hunt it. i think humans have the same line of thought, especially if they are or have been around other humans who hunt for their food. i've known a lot of hunters in my life, so i wonder if that recognition of a deer or a squirrel or a rabbit as potential food just comes from that. it certainly doesn't have any accompanying instinct.

bobcats primarily hunt rabbits. when i see a wild cottontail outside, i don't think "i'm hungry and should catch that prey!", i think "huh. didn't expect to see a bunny in the open when there's so many coyotes around here."

small rodents are also common staples in the diets of bobcats, foxes, coyotes and kestrels. when i see a mouse or a squirrel or a rat or a chipmunk, i don't want to hunt it. that takes way too much effort.

the most my hunting instincts ever really trigger is when it comes to spotting quick traces of movement. kestrels and cats will happily snatch lizards when they can. being obsessed with reptiles now, i've taken advantage of that sense whenever i'm looking for wild lizards and snakes-- or trying to see the skittish mourning geckos in my indoor vivarium. even then, i don't watch them with the intent of eating them. if i want to catch the reptile i'm after, it will be released after i'm done looking at it and talking about its species to whoever's nearby to listen.

the thing is, foxes and coyotes are fundamentally lazy when it comes to food, foxes especially so. they're opportunists. both will happily eat roadkill and other carrion, or steal parts of other predator's kills. foxes will go for just about anything they can eat, and the less effort it takes to get, the better. eggs, worms, berries, garbage, bits off my mate's plate-- easy meals that take little effort to get are highly preferred over anything i have to hunt down. it's one of the many reasons that feeding wild foxes is a bad thing. foxes are lazy. if you can get an easy (even if unhealthy) meal from this human's backyard, why bother expending the energy to roam a territory searching for food? hell, why bother having a territory? if there's such an easy food source here, there's no need to maintain territory large enough to ensure you can find enough food for yourself. not having a territory to patrol means you can spend more time eating from the human's backyard.

the only time i ever feel that my predatory instincts really get triggered is whenever migrating goose calls push me into an arctic fox shift-- and then it's still the eggs i focus on more than the goslings. they don't struggle as much.

honestly, prey drive is the least of my concerns when it comes to alterhuman-related instincts, but the satyr's instincts should be left to their own essay.

if i wasn't a fox as well as a bobcat, would i have a prey drive? would the sight of a fawn away from its mother strike me with the desire to leap? would i want to crunch down the chipmunk in the garden or would i still watch it with the idle fascination of an already-satiated cat? would seeing the hawks circling the nearby field fill my kestrel's heart with envy because i can't fly high, scanning the ground for prey?

i don't know. but as it is, the combination of things i am has created a creature with no prey drive whatsoever, and i suppose that's okay. lack of hunting instinct doesn't make me any less what i am. hell, it may even reinforce it.

lazy fox, indeed.

#alterhumanity #therianthropy #nonhumanity #prey drives #hunting instincts #hey look. i finally posted one of the 'essays' i've been working on for months. what a surprise #i have no issue with alterhumans with prey drives/hunting instincts and i love all of you. this is just about *my* experience

[blackjackkent]

Rakha's conversation with Kagha is... interesting.

"Go on. Say it. You think I'm a monster."

"Monster? Too kind. A demon, more like."

The most interesting thing about this is that the drabble I wrote yesterday has Rakha considering that term as applied to herself.

And her determination was that she believes (or at least very much wants to believe) that she herself is not a monster, though perhaps the "beast" Urge is. She is coming to draw a distinction in her own behavior between the unreasoning violence of the "beast" and the violence she is capable of by choice. That one conversation with Lae'zel early on has turned out to be pretty fundamental to how she views herself right now - attack with purpose.

And so her opinion of Kagha is similarly nuanced. After all, Kagha ultimately let the girl go. And her actions were, at least in theory, not out of cruelty for its own sake, but in service of her grove. Does she like Kagha, or think that threatening Arabella with a snake was a productive choice? Not really. But "monster" is a loaded term for Rakha right now.

"You're protecting your own," she says. "Sometimes cruelty is required." Maybe not the particular cruelty Kagha ended up choosing, but still...

(A/N: Wyll disapproves. The only option I had that would make him not disapprove was to say "Only a monster would threaten a child" which, like. Seems unlikely for Rakha to say at this point. She would threaten a child, if it seemed likely to accomplish something necessary. XD Wyll's influence is already starting to rub off on Rakha somewhat but it is very early days still. Lae'zel approved though so there's that.)

Kagha looks at her with mild curiosity and some surprise. "First you urge grace. Then you speak truth," she says coolly. "You've surprised me twice over. A shame the grace period ends. The viper's fangs have been bared. She must guard her brood." She shrugs. "No matter. I took back the Idol of Silvanus and the rite has resumed. We will seal the grove. Free from harm. Free of intruders."

Rakha feels more than usually aware of Wyll's eyes digging into her back, and changes the subject abruptly away from these matters of morality. "This rite must be born of powerful magic."

"The Rite of Thorns," Kagha says gravely. "It is the Treefather's gift, that none come to harm. When we speak the final prayer, the Great Vine will sprout forth. The grove will be cloaked in bramble and thorn. No one enters. No one leaves. Sanctuary." She scowls. "None of this can happen while outlanders infect us. Silvanus demands that we choke them out."

Rakha raises an eyebrow thoughtfully. She has to admit to a certain amount of interest in the magic as Kagha describes it. A tremendous amount of power must be involved; she could already feel it prickling on her skin as they walked through the grove outside. When the Rite is complete, there will be quite a show, that much is certain.

As for the refugees... the beast in her head, of course, thrills to the idea of their bodies stretched bloody on the road, but Rakha herself takes no particular pleasure in their fate. And Kagha, she decides, is unpleasant, regardless of whether or not she deserves other monikers.

"You'd leave them to die on the road," she says. It isn't a question, just a statement of fact.

Kagha stiffens. "I am First Druid now," she says pointedly. "I protect the circle - whatever the cost." She looks at Rakha appraisingly for a moment. "You showed great mettle at the gate - the mettle of a skilled sword for hire. I want you to provide your services to the tiefling leader - Zevlor, he's called. Offer to guide the outlanders out of the grove. I'm sure they'll reward you well." Her eyes harden. "They're to be gone before final prayer. If they are not... the viper must strike."

Rakha considers this in silence. It's an idea, certainly. If their path towards Lae'zel's creche takes them in the same direction, there is no reason why not. And should the refugees be attacked, it would be an easy way to sate the beast for a time, in tearing the attackers apart.

Certainly I am ready to finish our business here and be gone...

"Then it seems I'd best speak to Zevlor," she says slowly.

"You will do more than speak," Kagha says sharply. "This tale ends but one way - with the outlander rot clenased and the grove forever shrouded."

-----

"Damnable woman," Wyll mutters bitterly as they turn to walk away. "And what was that nonsense about cruelty is sometimes required? You yourself saw the child had to be out of her grasp."

"The girl did not need to die. But cruelty is sometimes required," Rakha says. "Or do you regret the blade you put through the goblin's chest?"

"That's not the same thing," he says hotly. "And you know it."

"I know very little," Rakha says flatly. "We will speak to Zevlor. If he requires assistance and our routes coincide... well." She shrugs. "I suspect the druids will face a greater punishment, when the Rite is complete."

He squints. "What do you mean?"

"They will all be trapped in here with Kagha."

Lae'zel snorts sharply and Wyll gives a startled laugh. "Hah. True enough. Thank the gods for small comforts."

#bjk plays bg3 durge #rakha the dark urge #lotsa thoughts bouncing around

[emanation-aura]

hi this is a free space to infodump about any of your fics. my ears are open and my eyes are peeled. love your writing

Thank you anon! I love infodumping about my fics but I hate doing it without reason, so this is literally perfect.

Ok, so: more P5R fic this time, but I've actually run out of Palace AUs for the moment so it's something else I was cooking.

It's a rewrite of the Okumura's Palace "Morgana fallout" scene where Ryuji and Morgana get so heated that Morgana runs away, but instead of making Joker a passive observer who just... watches his team fall apart, I gave him some agency (and anger!) to work with. Disclaimer: Akira is really, really rude to Ryuji in this because he's snapping from months of pent-up anger, but I don't mean for it to last and this is not a Ryuji-bashing fic; they make up later.

"Fine then," and he can feel the moment the temperature plummets, knows that the hard-edged voice which he'd taken so much care to soften has finally reared its head. There's nothing he can do about it, though— the anger wells in cracks and bubbles, impossible to ignore. "Let's go on the merits of usefulness, shall we? In that case, I should simply disband the Phantom Thieves, because I can do everything you can." It's too far. It's way too fucking far. He shouldn't be saying this at all, breaking their trust— how could he disband the only thing holding them together, giving their lives meaning and purpose? But there is nothing he can do to stop the venom spilling out of his mouth, the months of pent-up tension and weariness inflicted on him the moment he stepped into Tokyo. [...] “Where do you get off calling Morgana useless?!” Akira cuts it again, unable to stop himself. It skips across his body merrily, this vein of deep-seated anger, intertwining itself with the erratic thump-thump-thump of his heartbeat. “Is that all the Phantom Thieves are to you? Useful or useless?” That manages to cut through the chaos of the room like a knife. In the deadly still aftermath of his words, Akira derives cold satisfaction the way his teammates flinch back from him. It swells in his heart like that, thick and hazy, erupting into the room like poison gas.

There's something incredibly interesting about Akira teetering on that edge of "why can't I do this by myself?". He is a Wildcard/Trickster with huge adaptability due to his range of Personas, so while it would suck to not have his teammates as a safety net, he is theoretically capable of going through the game (at this level, anyway, not so much early on) solo; that's also a little gameplay-story integration with the Joker Solo runs people do.

This, of course, is also incredibly similar to Akechi's own philosophy around teammates, and part of why they mirror each other in so many ways. Speaking of Akechi, though, this is also fundamentally a shuake fic, so:

Akira runs a hand through his hair, grimacing as it comes away sticky with rainwater. He doesn’t dare look at Akechi while he thinks of a reply— it feels too invasive, meeting the detective’s eyes, as if he’ll see through everything Akira is trying so desperately to hide. “Are you alright, Kurusu? Did something happen?” Damn him. Akechi has always been uncannily perceptive, although any person with a half-decent brain could probably tell he’s going through some shit right now. The way the detective’s voice goes soft around the edges, though, something almost compassionate creeping through… “I’m fine, detective,” he replies curtly, hunching further into himself as he turns away from Akechi’s gaze. That compassion is the same poison in Yusuke’s voice, the one that punctured his heart like bullets. “Shouldn’t you be getting home?” “You don’t look fine,” Akechi bites back, sharper. It’s almost a relief as the concern bleeds away from his voice, replaced with something more disapproving and caustic. “Did someone attack you? Are you hurt?” Fuck. Akira resists the urge to bury his head in his knees and tries to breathe. Every cold breath seems to stab him in the lungs, a tip-tap to the rhythm of the rain soaking him through. ...A shadow falls over him. Akira looks up to see Akechi’s umbrella open over him, the detective’s grip on the handle tight with tension. “You’re going to catch a cold if you stay like this,” Akechi says tonelessly. “You should go home, Kurusu.”

Akira runs away to Kichijoji to avoid confronting his friends after (blowing up at them / punching Ryuji in the face / having a traumatic flashback) all in one. I don't want to spoil the rest of the fic but it's shuake, Akechi finds Akira in a vulnerable state, you can fill in the rest of the blanks (though it's not smut).

Something I will share though is that sometimes it's easier to share your burdens with someone you are strangers with. Akechi isn't exactly a stranger to Akira, but they have a connection that is both incredibly personal and also impersonally strange. They act like acquaintances and then rivals in the confidant progression, but there is a spark of recognition in that relationship that is absent from most others: like recognises like, which is why the Shuake relationship is so interesting to explore. They skip every conceivable normal 'milestone' a normal friendship does but still understand each other on a deep level because of their similar backgrounds and experiences.

Here's a part I'm really proud of, though:

He doesn’t have any defenses or smokescreens left to throw up. All Akira can do is avert his gaze and curl his hands tighter around the mug, uncaring of the way it begins to burn him. What can he say? Sorry, I thought you were arresting me? Akechi sighs, and although Akira can’t see his expression, it sounds utterly defeated. “I would appreciate a truthful answer,” he says evenly, although perhaps only Akira is privy to the tightly-controlled bundle of emotions behind that flat neutrality. “If nothing else, for the sake of not repeating this incident. Don’t take me for a fool, Kurusu. Your actions tonight were highly irregular, and I could already work out an answer based on what you told me.” “Then why don’t you?” “I’d rather hear it from you instead,” Akechi shrugs. There is a storm brewing in his red eyes, though, formidable and piercing. “Don’t you hate it when people just assume things about you without asking for your perspective?”

(quick context: Akira had a traumatic reaction to Akechi trying to haul him to his feet)

This is something they share deeply. Of course, it's obvious with Akira because he is the subject of so many bad 'delinquent' rumours in Shujin, subject to literally everyone who knows about his criminal record assuming things about him before they meet him, up to and including Sojiro. Akechi's is less obvious but just as intense: it's two-fold, coming from both his status as an orphaned bastard child and as a Detective Prince. He accrues the default social reaction of pity or praise respectively due to the assumptions forced on him by society; for an orphan it's helplessness, stupidity, and being unloveable, and as the Detective Prince it's the assumption that he has his life under control with everything handled. In this way they are both people who have had the burden of societal expectations forced upon them.

One last snippet to end this rambling off:

“What’s it to you?” Akira finally manages, averting his gaze. The mug beneath his fingers has finally cooled to a reasonable temperature, once again allowing the chill to spread along his fingertips, ice freezing over slowly in his veins. What is Akira’s deepest weaknesses and insecurities, to Akechi? Why is he sitting in Akechi’s living room at three in the morning, allowing the detective to dissect his psyche? Akechi goes silent. When he speaks, he’s back to the placid TV mask again, his idle fingers and tapping foot curiously still. “I wasn’t aware it was anything, Kurusu-kun. I saw you in trouble, so I helped you. Is there anything more to it than that?” I saw you in trouble, so I helped you. Akira, coming between the drunken man and the woman he was accosting. Watching Ryuji about to be executed by Kamoshida. Akechi has just cited the motive of the Phantom Thieves. Or, well, the motive before the fame and popularity got to their heads. Something dizzying jolts through his chest— is this how they felt? Thinks of Kawakami’s miserable second job, Hifumi’s controlling mother, Chihaya preyed on by a cult. Changing their hearts. Is this how they felt, being helped?

This is so dear to me because I interpret things to see that Akechi is not heartless. He is, obviously, a serial killer and assassin working for a fascist politician/father for his own ends, but that doesn't mean he has completely ditched all his values.

This is where I diverge from canon a bit. After the Akechi Black Mask fight, Futaba says: "but you didn't trust anyone. So you got one [Persona] for your lies, and one for your hate." This implies that Robin Hood stems from the lie of justice within Akechi's own heart and was never genuine— yet in the 'Proof of Justice' OVA in the anime as well as Akechi Rank 5, Akechi is depicted idolising heroes and using a laser gun (his weapon in both Metaverse forms) from a young age, before his mother died. Robin Hood represents the quintessential 'steal from the rich, give to the poor' kind of underdog justice that would fit the Thieves perfectly if he didn't turn out to be traitor, but we're also given hints that this is the original Akechi before he was tainted by the world; his version of 'justice' that was true even if it was simultaneously used as a lie.

Think of it like... method acting. Goro's Robin Hood, and by extension, "I saw you in trouble, so I helped you" justification is an act, because he is putting on a show of a courteous gentleman to fit with his public image. But that act stems from a genuine desire for justice and righteousness in his heart that never quite died.

This is also multiplied 10x by the fact that it's Akira whom Goro is trying to help and they have that aforementioned unique relationship that is impossible for me to define in a single post.

Actually I lied, this is the snippet I want to finish on: I wanted this continuity to carry into Royal's Third Semester so I wrote an extended interaction of their 'reunion' in January.

“I need to know what happened now between then,” Goro asks curtly, done with dancing around the topic. “Did you take down Shido? What happened after?” So Kurusu explains. “Yes, we took down Shido,” in a voice that bears an unmistakable hint of pain. He shelters it well, but it’s still recognisable to Goro’s trained ears— after all, doesn’t it sound awfully familiar to that same wavering tone a soaked Kurusu had used outside of the billiards bar in Kichijoji in November, shrinking away from his touch like it might burn him? The memory slams itself into Goro in a way he doesn’t know what to do with, so he shelves it and listens to the absolutely insane explanation of how Akira shot god on Christmas Day.

Thanks so much for the interest in my fic because god I have so many thoughts to expunge that wouldn't fit in authors notes! This one isn't published and it's literally just saved on my computer as 'P5R fic', so if people had fun title recommendations (preferably lifted from irl literature because that's my style) feel free to send them in.

#persona 5 #persona 5 royal #shuake #goro akechi #persona 5 joker #akira kurusu #fic writing #fic meta

[pebblysand]

Hello Pebbly,

Firstly I wanted to say sorry for the the hate you’ve been receiving lately. I just don’t understand why people would go out of their way to send death threats because they have a different opinion. It would be a different story if they weren’t allowed the option to be anonymous.

Secondly I wanted to ask a question about the new chapter of Castles. It was said Ginny only started her nightmares after Amycus died. Why do you think that is?

Lastly I’d like to say I adore your writing. Fan fiction or not, you truly have a gift and I’m so honoured that I get to read your beautiful stories

aw thank you anon, you're very sweet ❤️. although to be honest, i do think the issue goes beyond having different opinions, here. because the strangest thing is: i agree with these people 🤣. i fundamentally do also believe that trans rights are human rights. but i don't think that a) sending hate to people on the internet who do disagree with that affirmation is the solution to bigotry, and b) completely disengaging from fandom because of JKR's opinions is the way forward.

firstly, i agree. the fact that these people go on anon is evidence itself of the fact that they know what they're doing is idiotic. i understand being angry (i'm a gryffindor and an enneagram type 8, trust me, i really do), but obviously, all this does is relieve these people's urges for violent speech. it doesn't actually help any of the issues. and, that's fine, i guess if they feel better after dropping me these anons, then i'm happy for them. but, i doubt they do. i think a big part of being a gryffindor is learning where to take your outrage, and how to use it in ways that can make the world a better place. or else, the frustration just ends up eating you from the inside. this is not it.

additionally, as @copper-dust pointed out, fanfiction (and fandom in general) is one of the main ways to get the representation of marginalised groups that may be lacking in the source material. telling people to disengage is nonsensical. and, on a personal level, i must admit i don't relate at all with this trend we're seeing online of disengaging with any form of media (be it tv, books, etc.) that we, as a society, deem "problematic." if i had to cut out everyone i disagree with from my entertainment regimen, there wouldn't be much left. i mean... wait until these people find out like eminem, 🤣. it's hard to do more controversial than that.

personally, i think life is much more interesting when you engage with media critically and are able to use your brain to question the things you might see or read. i love eminem when he talks about fame and his daughter. i hate him when he talks about kim. there's a duality there that i find essential to my experience as a human on this planet. it's about understanding people are complicated and mostly exist on a spectrum. to tell you the truth, i don't necessarily believe in the idea of separating the art from the artist, but i do believe in engaging with art while remaining aware of who the artist is. reading things in a more educated and nuanced way.

i also must admit that i find this way of telling people: 'you mustn't read/watch/etc. [x] because the author is problematic' bizarrely moralising, and it gives me the ick. i grew up catholic and i find this attitude of 'i'm better than everyone else because i don't engage with problematic content' strangely reminiscent of saints and sinners. like: i claim the moral high ground. i am the saint. you are the sinner. and, well, good for you, i guess. i find sinning more interesting. i don't strive to be a role model, and i don't strive to live a perfect life. i'm not really keen on curating my experience of the world to the point that i end up living in a sterile echo chamber. that wouldn't be very interesting to write about and also, if we acknowledge the best in people, we must also acknowledge the worst - or else the good loses its gravitas.

by that same token, this also ultimately makes me "kid of fine" with the fact that these anons exist, in a strange way. they're not nice to get, of course, but i suppose they're allowed to disagree with me. i wish they wouldn't send me death threats about it, and it does make me angry that, doing this, they ultimately harm the people they claim to defend, but it is what it is. i don't think it's for me, as a non-elected individual representing no one but myself, to tell people what they should or should not think, and do or should not do. i do believe in the right of governments, through elected democracies, to regulate speech as a collective (the way certain countries have made racist speech or holocaust denial illegal), but i guess that's a different matter altogether. i wish people would get fined for expressing racist, transphobic, homophobic, murderous, hateful, etc. "opinions," but that is sadly not for me to decide.

.

anyway, apologies for this digression, now onto your question.

It was said Ginny only started her nightmares after Amycus died. Why do you think that is?

i recently re-read this letter from robert and michelle king, the showrunners of the good wife (do not click this link under any circumstance if you have not watched TGW and intend to watch it someday, major spoilers in that letter) where they said:

'We’ve always taken as a guiding principle of this show that drama isn’t in the event; it’s in the aftermath of the event.'

i find this quote incredibly interesting, and it really resonates with me. i suppose as someone who basically 'grew up' (as a writer) on the good wife, it's probably a vision of drama and creative endeavours that has influenced me more than i had realised. after all, i am currently writing about the aftermath of a dramatic event (the war), and to be, that's where the fascinating material is.

i think there's a lot of that in the way ginny's trauma manifests in castles. a reference i also always think of (for castles as a whole, not for this specifically) is series four of peaky blinders where tommy goes on this shootout situation with the italians, manages to come out of it alive and arthur joke-warns him about the fact that he'll get the shakes later, when the adrenaline comes down. i'm interested in that: what it feels like when the shakes come and the adrenaline comes down.

i think for ginny, there's a lot of that: during the war, when she was being assaulted, she was in survival mode. keep your head down, try to survive, do what you have to do, worry about it later. then, she comes out of it and it's like: all that stuff that she's trying to ignore is coming back to haunt her. i actually headcanon that with the chaos of the aftermath of the battle, the press, the way the weasleys were sort of ushered out of hogwarts, having to bury fred, etc. it took her maybe a couple weeks to find out for sure that amycus was dead. i can sort of picture her trying to ask around (people in the order, the DA, etc.) without raising any suspicions and not being able to get a definite answer until the list was confirmed in the press. i think that's when she realises it really is over, you know?

first of all, she realises he is dead, that he won't talk, and that no one will ever find out. she's very worried about her parents, about hurting them, about how other people might see her, about harry - so that's a big relief. and, secondly, she realises that she is free. that he won't come back. and, i think, that is of course a huge weight lifted off her shoulders, but paradoxically it also allows her to let her guard down a little (let the adrenaline come down), and that's when the nightmares come crashing. i think she only get them then because it's the end of war-mode and the start of healing-mode.

.

anyway anon, thanks again for your kind words, i'm so glad you enjoy my writing, and my apologies for taking advantage of your message to rant about Stuff. i hope you have a wonderful day ❤️

#asked and answered #castles

[aeide-thea]

the thing is like. there was a particular context that sparked this but i honestly suspect it applies to most axes of marginalization—

like, sure, i think it's fair to be like 'pls recognize that if you pass as part of a hegemonic group, you aren't generally encountering the kind of e.g. physically violent bigotry that ppl who visibly defy the hegemonic standard often get subjected to.' certainly i think the sort of body policing i've personally experienced is more on the order of what, say, cis gnc dykes face than what ppl face who have visibly undergone some degree of medical transition. but like. it's all different points on the same bigoted continuum? like, ppl with so-called invisible* marginalizations are often not actively running into, say, physical violence precisely because they're preemptively enacting self-censoring violence on themselves, and are often in spaces where they're subjected to hateful rhetoric about characteristics the speakers don't realize they share. so it's violence against the psyche instead of violence that's physical, absolutely, but—i don't know. i fundamentally have never understood the—seemingly very common!—urge to compare apples to oranges and decide that one sort of fruit is categorically worse, instead of considering each on its own (de)merits in its own context.

like—i just get frustrated with how badly ppl always seem to want to take their pain out on also-marginalized ppl they see as More Conforming, instead of looking deeper to the actual overarching systemic prejudice which keeps all of us down, and which takes on whatever form is best suited to repress whatever resistance it's encountering. like i'm seeing it these days with theyfab discourse and i saw it last year with disability discourse and i saw it ten years ago with bi discourse and i wouldn't be surprised to hear it's also how intracommunity discussions of, say, colorism often go, and i just feel like. look. the internal emotional violence is the complement to the external physical violence, and the two pieces work together to enforce the same hegemony. no one subjected to either component is having a good time.

⸻ * though like. how 'invisible' are some of these things really. like. normies have remarkable spidey senses and they will ostracize you over 'hidden' qualities they instinctively subconsciously pick up on!

#anyway. #(i know some people dislike the so-called metaphorical use of 'violence') #(though like. the word has straddled senses for multiple langs and thousands of years at this point‚ just saying) #(but i guess i DO think like. seeing different flavors of violence as a connected system is important to a coherent analysis actually?) #theory

[fancyfade]

I really loved the last chapter of "Where are you, Raven?"! It was really interesting to see how Arella and Raven's relationship degrades, and the inevitable tragedy.

I have some questions about Trigon, if that's okay. The part where Raven sees into Trigon's head was really interesting. Do you see him as being born kind of *not* evil? Like clearly he was killing people even as a baby but more out of ignorance than anything. Your interpretation is that he kills his mom by accident, right?

In my opinion, Trigon is more maliciously evil, even as a baby. He was born from evil, after all. He's like a cosmic force with no rhyme or reason behind him, just with an overwhelming urge to destroy.

When Arella died, it was interesting to see him comfort Raven. It was a little surprising to me, as I'd have thought that he would've just completely brushed off Raven's distress. He sees Raven's attachment to her mother as a weakness, and he's probably glad she's dead. In general, he showed Arella a lot of leeway in your fic. He's never been normal about a woman ever in canon, but he treated Arella pretty decently, even with her being locked up. I'd love to hear a sort of directors commentary on the fic!

Again, I love the fic. These were just some thoughts I had while reading.

omg tysm for the comment and questions anon!

So WRT Trigon. I know that he was intended to be like the personification of evil from birth. But trying to think about it logically did not work for me. I just fundamentally do not like the idea that anyone is evil as a baby or from birth. If i was going to have him be a fundamentally evil force of the universe, I would probably not have him be born as a child, he would just be kind of always there. Just. Someone being evil from birth does not work for me, even if it was authorial intent.

He also IIRC was born from the people on Azarath purging their "evil natures" which I imagine to be evil in a human way, rather than a cosmic way.

WRT the arella stuff. In my mind Arella, now that Raven is born, only has value in relation to Raven because Raven is the only person Trigon regards as a person. He was OK with her being alive as long as Raven was happy, and he can tell Raven has a very strong connection to Arella that he does not want to risk severing because he doesn't want to risk Raven not being loyal, but we did get some hints that he was not very happy with Raven's relationship with Arella towards the end as he is always feeling resentful and jealous of it.

In my head he wasn't trying to comfort her because of the "She was going to die anyway, she's only mortal" thing - we are not mortal, we are better. but I wanted it to be able to be read both ways b/c HE would want plausible deniability, since we do see Trigon can be charming and manipulative when he wants to (tahts part of how he initially comes on to Arella, he is kind to her and in human form and she thinks they're in love and then he reveals he is a demon and abuses and laughs at her). So I think Trigon is CAPABLE of acting in a way that is socially acceptable, he just CHOOSES not to.

which actually segues back to my initial interpretation of Trigon's childhood. In addition to me just fundamentally not liking "Inherently evil from birth" I feel like Trigon is simultaneously a cosmic evil, but also very much some guy... just the evilest, most petty guy you know. Like this trigon meta by @raven-harlot (link) has this line i Like for him which is

Imagine your shitty dad (or a friend’s if you don’t have your own) if he was also a genocidal maniac and you’re already well on the right track.

which like. because a lot of Trigon's evil is over the top and mundane at the same time. He enslaves and blows up whole worlds but also kills a little girl for saying he's a monster, the latter of which seem a lot more petty human evil than cosmic evil which I would imagine as not caring at all that a human thinks its ugly. Even though Trigon does not view human beings as in any way equal to him, he still clearly possesses a desire to control them and cares about what they say.

edit: oh also do want to say that trigon has vested interest in not upsetting Raven too much (... more than he already does) for reasons we will see next chapter!!!

#trigon #arella #dc comics #raven #my fanfic #anon #ask #the new teen titans

[tendergazing]

updates from the week🧍

- was Offered a job i actually enjoy but is also deeply embarassing because i have to talk so so so much for hours and be somewhat entertaining. it’s been a good slap in the face but i don’t think it will ever change my fundamentally boring nature

- successfully showed chungking express to my roommate. the amount of love i have for that film never ceases to surprise me whenever im not watching it im missing it

- while going through my stuff for moving i found my old diaries and realised that 1 i was insanely more constant with writing and i miss it 2 that the horrors are the exact same ones and neverending but also i somewhat got better at managing them. its crazy how sick u can be and only realise with hindsight. resisted the urge to like burn them bc they’re proof of something. i guess?

#and more nonsense im not writing abt! how did we get to mid november time is slipping through my fingers this year

[dykesynthezoid]

Are your politics really that “radical” if you actively still refuse to deconstruct the hegemonic colonialist idea that “might makes right” and that violence is the only truly effective strategy for liberation. Like is it really

The more I start to prioritize non-violence in my politics the more I realize how many leftists who scream and shout about opposing colonialism, about bringing low existing hierarchy, about how much they hate this country etc, have actively not deconstructed some pretty fundamental colonialist ideas. Some pretty fundamentally American ideas, at that. They continue to center themselves in world politics. They continue to see violence as inherently “justified” (whatever that may mean) as long as it’s the “good guys” who are doing it. They continue to see “defense” as the same thing as violent offense. They continue to value the social control and power they can wield over others more than they do helping people. They continue to see the world in terms of domination and destruction rather than investing in ideas of reparation and renewal.

“What, so you think people can’t fight back? That’s just siding with the oppressor!”

I’d be interested to know where I said resistance is wrong. At this point I try not to even approach the idea of violent revolution with moral judgement, frankly. More and more I seek to remove the element of my own moral perceptions from these things (sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don’t. I’m only human). Besides, what would it matter for me, as a singular person, to think somebody’s actions are “wrong”? What weight does that actually carry?

What I can say is that, in practice, violence has consequences. In practice, it has a tendency to compound upon itself. In practice, spontaneous self-defense, and even organized community defense, looks very different than a hyper-organized, hierarchical, premeditated violent offense. In practice, the most vulnerable of any population are always the ones who pay the most consequences for violent action, even if that is not the intention. In practice, people use the chaos of violence to enact their own personal goals. In practice, you cannot trust that every person you resist with would not take advantage of that chaos to bolster themselves, to continue the cycle of one party dominating another. In practice, violence may not even be as effective as you actually think it is.

I’m tired of asking what is right and wrong. I’m tired of asking what is “justified” or, god forbid, (cue the Ursula K. Le Guin quote) “deserved.” Instead I consider what actually matters: what is harmful and what is helpful. Suffering is harmful. Violent oppression is harmful. I want to be helpful.

The questions that guide my activism now are:

What is the most effective?

How can I do the least harm?

How can I do the most good?

None of this implies that I think violence is never necessary, or even that I think violence cannot be a tool of resistance. What it does imply is that I take violence very, very seriously. And that I recognize its consequences, and I do not consider its use lightly.

(If you find yourself feeling instinctively angry or incensed by anything I’ve said here, I urge you to go back and reread the post, and this time make an earnest effort to find the best-faith possible reading, and balance that with your instinctive response. Ask yourself, is this post about OP giving their personal opinions about specific global events, or is it a much more broad indictment of leftism in the global north? Ask yourself, should I assume that because this person dislikes violence, that must mean they actually, for some reason, love it when the oppressor does it, and the only reason they didn’t discuss that here is definitely because they love the oppressor so much, and not for any other reason, such as being concise or specific and not trying to write an entire novel in a tumblr post?)

#leftism #colonialism #leftist theory #nonviolence #decolonization