#but i also can't just do it myself bc nobody gives me the chance to get that independence | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tenebsolis · 2 months

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So you've mentioned that you like all the Soulsborne games, not just Bloodborne, but which Soulsborne was your first exposure to the series? What made you want to check them all out, and what is your favorite thing about them (each individually or in general as they also have reoccurring themes? nobody trolls people in power like they do xd) .

Also I can't forget you asking me about Creighton so I assume you like DS2 as well (rare but huge W in these trying times vvhjgjjg). Who are your DS2 favs? 🌛

I need you to know that I had to pause for like one hour after getting this ask because I got so excited to respond to it that I couldn’t think straight enough to properly manage a reply with actual words. in fact what I’ve written down here isn’t as eloquent or articulate as id want it to be but. autism works in funny ways so the best I can do rn is say words and giggle to myself with glee

im putting the reply under a cut bc it’s long af also lmao

the first dark souls was my initial exposure to the series as a whole! I got into it some years ago but I don’t think I was as invested in it then as I am now. I’ve always loved the themes of the series and the gameplay was, despite all the frustration, very fun and engaging so I wanted to check out more souls games after it. Dsi remains my favourite game of all time along with bloodborne btw! I would blame it on nostalgia but honestly the game really does have so much to offer. dark souls i meatriding is very cliche but there’s a good reason for that yk. Nothing teaches you patience like dark souls. (this game also has one of my two favourite characters of all time, gwyndolin! they managed to create a transgender allegory that speaks so closely to me- from familial expectations to the desire to be seen and recognised by the family that constantly neglects you and shames you for your very existence to the point where your identity ceases to exist because you are trying so desperately to belong. you try to forge yourself into the perfect shape but the core of the problem lies not in the shape of your identity, but your very existence. the unending cultist devotion to the people who made your life hell because this is all you have. I love gwyndolin so much)

I moved to dark souls ii after and honestly loved it (and still love it) very much. I feel like people give it too much shit and criticise it too quickly because of its reputation, which is a shame because it has so much to offer. The lore is so rich and the gameplay can get so fun if you just give it a chance. I agree that the start is difficult, but isn’t this true with every new fromsoft game you play? The thing I really love about soulsborne games is that there is a learning curve. Absolutely anybody can finish these games even if they are a terrible gamer because of the fact there is a learning curve. And sure it’s a frustrating one a lot of the time, but when you get comfortable enough with the mechanics and become more confident in playing, the experience becomes so so fun and rewarding. The estus problems people always complain about at the beginning of the game honestly stop being a noticeable issue after you discover items that help you replace this bother. I can 100% see why somebody would dislike dsii because it unfortunately went through developement hell, but I do believe that 98% of the time people judge this game too quickly and too harshly just because of the negative reputation it has. It sucks that they don’t give it a chance. I’ve seen so many people have an opinion on it (always a bleak one) without even playing it themselves also which is so dumb. At least play it man. Idk. It gets the second-installation-in-a-series curse I guess. dsii fans need to stick together and call it the best game oat to piss everyone else off

i got into bloodborne after dsi and dsii, i think I started playing bloodborne in mid 2021? Not that long ago but it has been my absolute favourite thing in the world ever since. SO much about it has kept me around because it manages to cater to so many of my general special interests lol. I’ve always loved cosmic horror and the victorian era of medicine. religion (and how those in power can use religion to control the masses) is another thing i always end up getting fixated on, so bloodborne was just the perfect thing for me. I love the themes! And characters! And designs! And gameplay mechanics! The world building! Everything is so so good. The thing that has mainly kept me around so intensely is how important exploration and personal interpretation is with this game. this is honestly my favourite thing about all spulsborne games actually- fromsoft never gives you any direct answers, and we are still finding new things about bloodborne several years after its release which is insane. It has just an endless amount of things to offer, I can’t say ENOUGH about it. I could write pages upon pages on why I love bloodborne so much, it’s difficult to keep my answer here concise. All I can say is it consumes my every thought every second of the day. Very good.

Dsiii was the last soulsborne game i got into (not fromsoft tho, that was elden ring, which i somehow only got into on august of 2023) i love dsiii because i love the dark souls series so so much in general, but for some reason it’s my least favourite out of all spulsborne games. The story and bosses are all super cool and i loved the conclusion it provided for the series, but it’s the one i find the least entertaining? or not the least entertaining, but it’s the one I think about the least. maybe it’s because i still kind of experience it as a. second version of bloodborne since i played bloodborne before ds3 lol. which is an unfair judgement but I can’t let go of that feeling it gives me for some reason. great game but I end up fixating more on the others fsr

navlaan is my favourite character in ds2 also! i love a little fucked up sorcerer. I need more grey thinking. good and bad mean nothing in the name of acquiring knowledge. nuance is required to understand navlaan and its why I often avoid reading stuff about him lol.

I’m realising my response to your ask focuses more on just my personal experience with the games rather than what it is within them that I love, I didn’t really get into detail about that at all lol but. I already said so much 💀

#i put the yap in um. in uh. Idk i just love to yap #asks

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firelord-frowny · 11 months

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dumb

i finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyy went to the national aquarium yesterday omg and had a grand old tiiiiiime and took a ton of pics and videos and i thoroughly enjoyed myself and will elaborate on the enjoyment in the near future!

but first i need to whine about an annoyingly unhappy thing that was hanging in the back of my mind for a lot of the time.

i went with both of my parents, which was fine, bc thats who i wanted to go with.

but i really would have fucking preferred to do it sometime around the FIRST time i asked to go, which was when I was ohhhh, i dunno, A CHILD??? When I was 10, 11, 12, and still aspiring to have a career in zoology. And there was never ever ever a reason why we couldn't go, other than that my parents ~didn't feel like finding parking.~ i can't even tell you all the shit my family has never done together SOLELY because ~it's hard to find parking.~ everyfuckingbody else on earth can find parking! everyfuckingbody else on earth can deal with a lil inconvenience if it means getting to do something fun/memorable or giving someone they love something special. but not my lame ass family!

so, here i am now, a whole 29 years old, FINALLY having a nice day at the damn aquarium with my parents.

and i'm looking around at all these tiny children having the time of their lives with their parents and i couldn't help but feel jealous. :/ I wanted to be a 10 year old running around and demanding that my parents pick me up so I can get a better view of what's swimming near the top of a tall tank. I wanted to nyoom through the gift shop and try out all the different toys and flip through the children's books, blah blah.

anyway, we get to the part of the aquarium that has the touch pools where you get to just fuckin pet stingrays and shit! and i was so excited bc there are so many sea creatures ive always wanted to touch! i touched a horsehoe crab and a jellyfish! IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO PET A JELLYFISH!!! And I was thrilled about it!

but neither of my parents would pet anything!

which i mean, obviously that's their right, and they dont have to touch anything they dont wanna touch, but it just made me feel super isolated and outcast and reemphasized just how utterly alone i've always felt within my own family. literally NOBODY that im related to delights in any of the same things I delight in, and it fucking sucks.

which i mean, duh, that's what ~friendships~ and ~peer groups~ are for, but i feel like most people have at least a LITTLE BIT in common with their families. songs they can listen to together and equally enjoy. places they're equally excited to go to. activities everyone looks forward to with genuine eagerness.

i have none of that and i really really really wish that wasn't the case.

also? a lottttttt of the staff who stand by the exhibits and share ~fun facts~ about various animals/plants/etc were high school volunteers. that's so fucking neat!

and in the back of my mind i was so hyperaware that if i had known about such a volunteer opportunity when i was in high school, there is 0 chance that my parents would have been willing to drive me up to baltimore a few days a week. even if it meant having something fantastic to add to my college applications. even if it meant getting valuable exposure in a career field i was interested in at the time.

i mean, ok, baltimore is about 45-60 minutes from here, which IS a bit of a drive, i know.

but where the fuck else around here would there have been an opportunity to immerse myself in something that was so perfectly aligned with my deepest passions and desires? where, within a 10 or 15 minute drive of my home, would i have been able to stand next to a death adder's terrarium and tell guests all about their extremely potent neurotoxic venom or that even though they're morphologically very similar to vipers, they're actually elapids like cobras and mambas?

nowhere! nowhere!

maybe i could have volunteered down at the rinky dink lil nature center near my house and told 2 people per day that the snake in the tank that's clearly labeled as a corn snake in bigass letters is a corn snake.

just, my enrichment and my exposure to the thing i loved most in the world wouldn't have been worth a few hours of my parents time on weekends and that makes me really kinda fucking sad because now im an entire real life grown adult with 0 of the connections or confidence or skills that i'd need to start living a life that actually incorporates my favorite things on a regular and sustainable basis, and now it's MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY PROBLEM to try to fill in all the gaps that my parents were content to leave wide open just because they didnt fucking feel like nurturing the person i truly was.

honest to god, i cant look at a place like the national aquarium or the national zoo or any place like that, and feel like i deserve to even volunteer there. i dont feel like i deserve to even sweep the fucking floor. i'm watching the custodial staff mopping down the floor in the dolphin viewing area and all i can think about is how much i don't deserve to even do that. (which, obviously, isn't to say that being a custodian isn't an Important Job that requires its own skillset, but it's not a skillset that you need 4 years of overpriced education to excel at).

bc my dumb brain can't stop thinking: if my own damn parents didn't think i was important enough to expose me to things i was interested in even, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY would literaally anybody else think i'm worthy of anything at all?? if i'm not important enough to be driven to an amazing volunteer opportunity as a kid, why would that same place think i'm important enough to let me volunteer there even if i did have a ride???? when there are soooooooooo many other kids who ARE important enough for their parents to go out of their way to help them reach their goals?

___________________

AND YOU KNOW WHAT????

my parents did spend significantly more money than most parents spend on their kids for my violin stuff. my violin is Pretty Dang Expensive. they paid out the ass for me to go to tanglewood one summer. they drove me once a week to my violin lessons, which took up a couple hours of their time. i'm appreciative.

but i'm ALSO keenly aware that i literally didn't ask for any of it.

the only thing i DID ask for was to just play the violin in general. but i specifically remember being an orchestra major in middle school and asking my parents if i could take private lessons outside of school, and they unceremoniously told me that no, you greedy little child, we're not paying for more private lessons when you're already in the free music program at school.

but the second i got into high school and my orchestra director told my parents to put me in private lessons, nevermind the fact that i already had free lessons with a very decent teacher at school, my parents signed me up on the spot.

when my violin teacher told my parents to send me to tanglewood, they did. when my violin teacher told my parents to buy me a new, professional quality violin, they did.

they did all of those things because someone who Wasn't Me said it was important.

shit, i remember being like 15 and wanting to get a lil part time job working at petsmart, and they told me i couldn't do it, because they didn't feel like dropping me off or picking me up from the petsmart 10 fucking minutes away from our house.

lmao can you imaginnnneeeee all the confidence and self-actualization i could have developed if even one single thing i asked to do was facilitated and nurtured by my parents?????

and now i have to struggle to learn this shit on my own because it's Not Their Problem if their adult child is struggling??

i hate me.

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feelbokkie · 1 year

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Okay, I wasn't going to have free time until Thursday but I'm gonna be quick before I go back to doing work stuff (in the middle of the night smh):

The "what are we" part 2 put me on a rollercoaster of emotions. You gut punched me having Chan's be like that (I was literally just telling my brother earlier how Innie irl called Chan "trash" for his verse in Ex lmao), and then when Minho's ended nice, I was so nervous for Changbin's to be angsty but I was so relieved his wasn't. And then you slapped me in the face with Hyunjin saying "June." Like, the maknaes had me riled up, but this one was legit sad 🥲

Also, I'm so ready for Felix to fight people in Love Risk. It's way too late for any of the bet boys to be starting to feel bad just now, so I want Felix to find out about BOTH bets and go totally apeshit on everyone. I'm absolutely feral about this (me being the friend always ready to throw hands is maybe feeding into this too much idk)

-👻✌️

P.S. You're so organized and productive (response to my last ask), you're so awesome! I hope nobody else says stupid/horrible stuff to you, and just know we all love you and you're amazing as you are 😘

I rambled again because my human contact today was limited and I am apparently like a golden retriever, sorry.

Get rest if you can! I know how working at night can be. (I work-work in the am but I work on Feelbokkie at night most of the time and I end up making more mistakes) So rest or at the very least take many breaks. And drink water!

Oh yeah, no I wrote Chan's yesterday after being upset so he never stood a CHANCE in hell of being anywhere nearly decent story wise. Maybe what are we Chan and Ex Chan are the same person 🤷🏾‍♀️ (I totally didn't plan it like this, it just happened). I realized that I tend to accidentally make 2Min parallels when I write and decided that he needed a break after distancing part 2 so he got a fluff ending. Seungmin is in angst jail for wrecking me heavily right now and I fear he is going to stay there if I can't get my hands on his No Easy mask off ver. (everyone who is selling him being ridiculous). I also can't bring myself to write Binnie with angst, Han too, bc I can't stand the idea of hurting them. But literally every other member of skz has been through the ringer with me at some point so maybe it's time? Also, Hyun's was going to be way worse but I took a nap and reevaluated my decisions. But it is canon that Hyun and reader got together end of May and Hyun realized beginning of June, so... Do what you will with that information.

I'm ready for Lix to fight everyone too because I finished the first half of chapter 11 and let me tell you, first half Bin pissed me off! We'll see how second half Bin does. Unfortunately we have to wait a few more chapters bc I have to establish a few more things before Lix even finds out about the bet(s).

Thank you! I've been in my room all day, just not wanting to deal with the outside world tbh and working on requests. But considering that I've been in customer service for 2 years now and honestly I'm surprised it has taken this long for someone to say stupid/horrible stuff to me. Before that, the craziest thing that happened was a customer with literal crazy eyes like the guy from the shining put his hatchet down on the counter before his items and give me the creeps (I work at an art supply store in a city, there is literally no reason he should be walking around wielding an unsheath hatchet). But I know that you guys all love me and I appreciate it 🥹

PS:

SKZ shelf after several hours of organizing and reorganizing this week

#feelbokkie answers #👻✌️ anon #LR press tour

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everythingsinred · 1 year

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Sorry if you've already brought this up somewhere at some point, but I have two NatsuMikan questions about,,, gregnancy 😬

1) Do you think they'd even want kids? I can imagine that they'd both be hesitant on the idea of having a kid that undoubtedly would have an Alice, even if the academy wasn't chasing families down anymore (which like, that is a thing that was stopped, right? I hope it was because that's literally so traumatic, why is this school so fucking traumatizing)

2) There would be a chance that the kid could get an Alice shape like Natsume's, so like,, that could be rough on his end, like would they even want to do that without knowing how long Natsume has?

I realize that kinda seeps into an idea that people with chronic and/or terminal illnesses can't have families or be happy or something, but I'm just thinking about Natsume's mom, and how young he was when she died. I *heavily* doubt he would remember her death, but I'm certain that he would feel her loss, and I'm just wondering if you think he would go through with it despite that.

Personally, I have a hard time imagining them having a family, but that may be because for the majority of the series, they are children. Whenever I do try to imagine it, my brain just goes into Punnett Square Mode(tm) and tries to figure out what could be dominant traits from what is known, so not much is done there lmao

these are really great questions. to be honest because they never actually talk about it, the answer would be entirely up to headcanon, so there is no right or wrong answer.

also this ended up being rly long and rambly sorry

funnily enough i did mention this topic a lil when i'd reblogged a character question meme thing and someone requested i do all of them (i'd established myself as a natsume aficionado at this point i guess lmao). the relevant part of my answer to question #13 (about what he'd be like as a parent) was:

i feel like natsume would be hesitant at first to be a dad. like he’d be super happy to find out mikan is pregnant ofc but he’d be hesitant. maybe he wouldn’t voice it. he’d be uncomfortable on several counts: 1) life shortening alices are genetic and he would never want his child to suffer as he has. 2) he’d be scared that he wouldn’t have as much time to spend with his kid as he’d like and would be sad to miss out on important milestones in the case that he dies too young. in my mind the life-shortening alice gets cured after a few years so these become non-issues and thus he gets very happy about having a kid.

something you must know about me is that i HATE the thought of natsume dying like it fully disgusts me--i hate to imagine he dies young. it feels really wrong to me. my brain cannot allow me to view the last little bit of the manga as canon tbh, so it's constructed another canon ending for me that includes the discovery of a cure for the fourth shape. (is it even possible to cure it? i dont CARE.) because of this (delusional) state of mind, i dont rly think of most of the things you mentioned. the cool thing about post-canon is that nobody can really stop you from thinking whatever you want. but i will address all of your points anyway bc theyre valid and then ill give my thoughts on them having kids, though im not an expert and certainly not the deciding opinion on what headcanons other ppl should adopt.

its a good point to bring up, discussing what happy endings exist for ppl with chronic or terminal diseases in media, even if he still has the same alice shape. my sister zoe has type 1 diabetes and we've had conversations about this exact thing (not about natsume; about her). it's a complicated issue for her, because even if type 1 diabetes isn't terminal (anymore), it is a huge source of grief and upset for her AND it's genetic. it ultimately comes down to each individual person, i think. some disabled or sick people want cures, others don't. some want children, some don't. because each person is different, what each person wants for their future or even in the media they consume is different as well.

your first question reminds me of yuka, actually, whose dream was to start a family and live a happy life. when she finds out her baby has an alice, she tries to steal it because she wants mikan to have a good life, and not suffer as she had, until kaoru stops her. it's definitely a valid concern, but i don't know how natsume or mikan feel about it in terms of having their own kid. personally im still not sure how the academy has actually changed since mikan left. we don't really get much of a breakdown. that being said, even though mikan said "i trust narumi-sensei" and that she didnt regret coming to the academy in kageki, im pretty certain that if they did become parents, they definitely wouldnt want their kid taken away from them.

which would mean the academy would have to change fundamentally to allow BOTH 1. parents to decline sending their kids to alice academy without being ceaselessly harassed and scouted AND 2. parents who do choose to send their kids to alice academy to get full visiting and contacting privileges WHICH SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING?? if a mom hears her son is crying himself to sleep bc he misses her, she should be allowed to call him or visit or send him a care package. (you know. how normal boarding schools work.)

maybe if the school changed in this way (and hey, maybe it did), then i could see natsume and mikan feeling a bit better about having a kid.

the next point, about natsume's alice shape being genetic... yeah its pretty rough. natsume the martyr, who always thinks of others, would never EVER have kids if he thought there was even a chance his child might suffer like he did.

so i guess my answer is... depending on what you want to believe happens after the ending, natsume and mikan MIGHT have kids and they MIGHT not. it entirely depends on what developments take place. ppl have been coming up w headcanons for their future even before the manga ended, anything from completely ignoring natsumes alice shape to having mikan and their potential kids visit his grave (not my favorite premise tbh).

ig my idea of natsume having his alice shape "cured" or undone or whatever comes from wanting one of my favorite characters to live a long happy life. its not specifically for the outcome of children or anything like that. its just worth noting that the academy is also a research institute, that there's healing alices in this world, and that you can make up whatever you want bc its a fantasy setting where ppl have magical powers and are able to undo death. (yes this is me justifying my staunch belief that natsume doesnt die in his early twenties.)

personally, i dont mind them having kids. its not rly something focal to me bc theres so much else going on in the story and with their characters for me to think about that the idea of kids is so far away. still, sometimes i like reading a lil fic about them having a kid, canon or au. its kinda cute. i also kinda like it in that if i believe they could have kids, that means that natsume MUST live and his alice must no longer be an issue (bc like we both agree on, natsume simply would not have kids if he thought the child could inherit his alice shape). in my head, i kinda always assumed they would? its made possible by my delusions. if you read the questions post i linked up there, i said "it's non-negotiable" but that was mainly in regards to higuchi maintaining in the memorial book that natsume wouldnt live a very long life. again, natsume WOULDN'T have kids if he knew they had a chance of suffering like he did, so that means if he ever DID have kids, then that chance must no longer exist. idk if that makes sense.

again, im really actually not an expert. i would even say "i didnt create these characters" except that that would mean higuchi's say should be final and i dont want her say to be final. really, its a fictional world w fictional characters. so if u wanna be delusional like me and find it difficult to see higuchi's ending without saying "but thats not what it looks like to ME," then go for it! we can be happy together. but also if these aspects of natsume and mikan and the academy feel inseparable from your own beliefs of the story, then thats fine too. honestly theres rly no right or wrong answer when it comes to post-ending headcanon. ppl can disagree. dont take me saying "i want natsume to have kids so he can spite higuchi" or whatever as a way of judging or disapproving of the headcanon that he wouldnt have kids. its a plausible outcome that he wouldn't. i just feel like i need to say that bc my opinion doesnt rly weigh more than anybody else's

i must say though: thank you for sending this ask. i have been having a rough day and coming home to answer this took my mind off the whole situation and made me feel so much better <3 thank you

#i did doodle natsumikan children once when i was 14 or 15. i can admit that now #also theres the very real possibility that they could um. get pregnant on accident.#which is a WHOLE OTHER CAN OF WORMS. i dont know if i can comment on that #im sorry for being so unhelpful abt post-ending topics. i HATE the ga ending but i love ga so the ending isnt real to me #in order to cope my brain became incapable of viewing the ending as legitimate. it feels instead like a POTENTIAL ending #rather than The Ending #the real ending (to me) never sent hotaru to another dimension and natsume gets to live bc of an inexplicable but very story-prominent cure #the academy goes through a lot of institutional change bc its built on the exploitation of children as its very premise #in order to become a good place #it must change its base premise as well as most of the ways it works.#i like shiki. i just legit cant believe that a man who used to be in anti academy terrorist group just let it continue on as is #like. hed do something about it. create change. hes a good guy and he still loves yuka theres just no way he wouldnt actually change it #answered #tardytothepardy #ga #god im rly sorry this is so long #tbh i dont actually know how to answer ur question in a satisfying way. the real answer is maybe? who knows? all up to u really

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potatopossums · 1 year

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realizing rn that i have very high standards for friends. i wouldn't consider someone i just started talking to as a friend. i wouldn't even consider someone I've been talking to for several weeks a friend.

I'm very particular about roles.

I am a very social person with a social job. But most of the time, my customers are not people i would consider friends. That has always somehow crossed a line in my comfort level. Even if they are nice and supportive, i do not know them. I did not meet them in an equal setting. I met them while donning my professional persona, and while that persona isn't much different from who i am regularly, i am being paid to talk to customers. I'm being paid to be friendly and helpful, answer questions. am i lying or masking with them? no. but this is my work setting, i am in work mode. i am not in my layman mode. it just doesn't translate to friendship most of the time if the only way i have seen someone or know someone is through work, during which they were a customer of mine. that feels pretty unbalanced and i don't like it.

and that's most of the social interaction I get right now. my job. where i can't really connect with people because I'm being professional.

this is self imposed. i haven't researched the ethics on this either; I'm just doing what feels right to me. so there's a chance i could be holding myself to a standard that is making my life worse. but i don't think so. i think i just want to interact with people in a natural, non-professional environment that feels like it is safe.

i also just. struggle to connect with people, even in those spaces.

i don't tend to enjoy or utilize many social spaces. i don't like bars. i don't like clubs (i mean how can you expect to talk to someone if you can't hear them?). i would love to go to more meetups but i literally do not have the availability right now. I'd love for a good chunk of my life to be meetups. to have one or two special ones that i loved and went to every week. that would be cool. those spaces are nice. but I'd have to really change up my schedule for that to work. everything for those happens in the evenings. and most of the time, I'm working in the evenings because lately i just cannot wake up to save my life.

ugh. friends are hard. i get a couple and then they get too busy to spend time with me, i feel sad and upset but have to accept it anyway because who actually chooses to be so painfully busy that they're stressed out the ass and can't spend time with people or rest? nobody who isn't a billionaire under capitalism has that luxury. so i just change my expectations of that person and just move on. but my issue is that i can get really attached. i enjoy getting attached. when it's healthy and consensual, it can feel really nice. sometimes i need breathing room, but i love having a companion or two that i can just rely on for hanging out in a certain, important way.

i crave emotional closeness and that is not something i tend to share with just regular friends. i need a close friend for that. someone who gets what I'm saying, actually puts energy into understanding what I'm saying bc that's important (and i do the same bc it's important). i give emotional energy, i want emotional energy. i give thoughtfulness, i want thoughtfulness. i want to do important and vulnerable things together. i want us to lean on each other. i want us to have other support, yes, but i still want to be close. i want to sink time and energy into this relationship. i want it to be deep. i want there to be trust. that stuff doesn't come quickly or easily for me. that fact becomes especially frustrating when a companion suddenly becomes unavailable. it really frustrates me, it hurts, and i feel abandoned (thanks trauma). it's not the kind of reaction i want to have, but at best, it would still be hard on me because I'd have to get to know other people. if i happened to be in a period where i didn't have many other available companion-level friendships, then yeah, it might be kinda hard to navigate. I'd be lonely and frustrated a lot. like i am right now. it sucks right now. immensely.

so yeah. here's to me navigating this hell road. it is not fun. i like having emotional support and when my favorite emotional support goes AWOL, then it can really suck for me. and I'm not sure how to still have rich relationships and make it suck less at the same time.

ugh.

#friendship #abandonment trauma #companionship #personal #mental health #queerplatonic #social roles #ethics

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weirdboi · 2 years

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||Wich The Bad Guys character are you||

Enjoy :>

Rules:

No looking at the results,first answer the questions and then you can look at the results

Don't do this quiz if you necer read the books or you'll get confused

Answer honestly no lying

Enjoy

What would you do if a child was starring at you?

💛I would smile at it

💚I would say "Boo"

🧡We would have a starring content

💙I would just turn around

🤍I would just wink

🖤The child would just start crying,I know it bc that always happens

2.If yiu found a wallet on a street, what would you do?

💛I would try to find the owner

💚I would take it,I mean no one leaves a wallet on a street unless that don't need it

🧡I would ask everyone in town and if it's nobody's i would just leave it on a street

💙I would gave it to the police

🤍I would try to find the owner but I think they would got scared so :')

🖤 Depends

3.If your friend is upset,what do you do?

💛Ask them what is wrong and if they don't want to talk about it I'll be ok with it

💚 Pretend like I don't exist

🧡Ask them what's wrong until they tell me

💙Make them some tea to feel better

🤍Give them a Biiig hug

🖤Still Depends

4.If your friend comes out as LGBT+

,what is your reaction?

💛 I'm glad you found your true self

💚Good for you I guess

🧡WE NED TO CELEBRATE THIS

💙I always knew that your gay

🤍Give them a hug and promise that I'll suport them no matter what

🖤Gives a big hug that they can berley breath

5.You didn't learn for a big Monday test,what are you going to do?

💛Learn at the lunchtime

💚 Depends from wich subject the test is

🧡Panic and scream in bathroom

💙I try to learn for test very fast

🤍I accepted my future

🖤It wouldn't be the first time so

6.It's movie 🎥 night,wich film do you want to pick?

💛 I'm ok with everything except horrors

💚 Anything without clowns

🧡✨Drama✨

💙 Romance

🤍 Something with romance and tragedy like Romeo and Juliet

🖤 Horrors something like Mr.Babadook(2014)

7.Someone wnats to fight with you,what do you say?

💛No way!Call me a pussy but I ain't fightin with you

💚Ok when,where and are any weapons allowed?

🧡BRING IT HERMANOO!!!

💙Just walk away

🤍Bites him and job is done

🖤Ummm hi 911?There us a guy I had fight with and now he can't stop bleeding

8.You have a crush on your best friend and how will you tell them that?

💛I like you,more than friend,I really like you and I think we could work out

💚Hi I like you

🧡 Marry me 😍

💙I like you,do you like me back?

🤍*Writes on paper* I luv you be mine pls

;)

🖤*Kiss* Your welcome

9.There's a fire,who do you save?

💛 Family

💚 Myself

🧡I try to save everyone in the place

💙The children

🤍I save everyone except myself and die slowly

🖤I caused the fire so

Results:

💛If you had most of the yellow hearts,than your Mr.Wolf.

You are fun, loyal and always there for your friends.You'll always believe in them even when they don't believe in themselves

💚If you had most of the green hearts,you are Mr.Snake.You care and love you friends,but you don't show it that much.You have a bit bigger ego than theirs and you would do anything for your friends even if that means becoming Satan's batler

🧡If you had most of the orange hearts,you Mr.Piranha.Yoy are a funny and sometimes a bit annoying person.You are full of energy 24/7 and love Mexican food.And you also have stomach issues

💙If you had most blue heart,your Legs/Mr.Tarantula.Your a small person with big brain.You always want to help and you are ready to give people second chance (Only if you believe they deserve it)

🤍If you had most white hearts,your Mr.Shark.You're a quiet,shy and big person who isn't the main character of the group but you still help.You have some issues that mess with you but you're still trying to get up.Also you have an amazing taste in clothes

🖤If you had most of the black hearts,your Joker Black (my Tbg Oc). Your a bit creepy but funny person.Sometimes you do some evil things to help others and you like hanging out with boogie mans and clowns.You have some amazing powers and aslo daddy issues :)

Tell me in comments wich characters did you turn out to be

Luv you 💟

#the bad guys book #quiz #whic characters are you #joker black #tbg

4 notes · View notes

troglobite · 1 year

Text

laskdjflaskdjf

retroactively caveating this: if we're mostly/p much only internet friends, the dynamic is so entirely different that none of this really applies. i'm talking ppl i've known almost my whole life, and/or ppl i know irl and would be meeting w in person if not for ongoing covid.

------

sitting here thinking

realizing some things

previously it felt like the tiny number of friends i had/have were only ever interested in using me for their needs and purposes

previous friend group was always talking about everyone else's problems--for hours, days, weeks on end. nothing ever changing.

when i brought my stuff up it halted the entire conversation

i would complain and get nothing in response.

someone else in the group would, out of the blue, make a big request or set a big boundary and it was no problem

but my small requests, discomforts, and boundaries were always treated as Too Much.

and previously i've always thought--it's partly my fault, partly the fault of all friends i've had, that friends always relied on me and sought my advice and instruction and wanted me to do things for them, but didn't ever want to do things for me.

but i'm also realizing now--

well i mean i sort of have always known as well, but in general people. don't take an interest in the things i'm interested in. they don't want to hear about it or listen to me talk abt it.

my mom is the only person who puts up with my infodumping, and she does her Mom's Best. most of the time i don't feel awful. when i try to stop talking bc i feel annoying sometimes she'll ask a question to keep me talking.

haha okay i'm just crying now??? idk.

anyway. it's nice. i still feel deeply annoying. and it's not bc she treats me that way in those moments, it's bc i know she's not truly interested, and also bc at other times, when she's angry or hurt or triggered by something, her resentment towards me comes out. and so when she's being nice abt my special interests and infodumping, i guess part of me is like. she's being nice, but she's just being nice. bc she loves me and cares abt me. but it is. a kind of emotional chore.

so anyway there's that detour.

point being all those posts online "i love when people infodump at me i love seeing how happy and excited they are i love learning new things"

WHERE ARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?! I'VE NEVER MET ONE OF YOU. EVER. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

okay another detour over, sorry.

i'm just now thinking. about friends and friendship again.

i get mad when i can help someone and they don't tell me or ask me. or they don't even give me a chance.

i get MAD. i get so panicked and hurt and upset and confused. idk how to describe the feeling. it's. Big.

it's just Big and Loud and Intense.

when i can help someone and they don't let me know they need help, or they refuse my help when i offer, or they don't ask and i have to come in media res to help out after they've already hurt themselves or overextended themselves, when i could be there for someone and they don't reach out.

i get. That Really Big Feeling. and it's bad and i don't like it.

and i'm frustrated and thinking bc like. part of me is someone who can't handle not being able to help people.

i am disabled and poor and my various abilities are very limited. i cannot do a lot of things that would help a lot of people.

it crushes me. i don't like that feeling. nobody does.

and i care so so so deeply abt the ppl i love.

and--

and we're back to this bit where i don't allow myself to get invested in friends and relationships bc again, i've always been Too Much for ppl.

if i msg too often, ask too many things, open up too much, want to hang out too often, want to share everything w them and be close and. it's Too Much.

and being a queer kid, i couldn't be clingy and huggy w my friends bc it was seen as creepy and gay.

i just. didn't get to hug anyone v much. i had to hide and suppress a lot of my affection. both bc i'm queer and autistic, so it always read as Too Much and Weird.

and it's just very weird to go through life most of the time feeling next to nothing abt other people. bc i've shut that off. and if i turned it on and allowed myself to feel i'd just be a mess, constantly, all the time.

bc if i feel those things then it makes it even harder to deal with what got me Thinking in the first place--

that i'm not a priority in any of my friends' lives.

and it's weird and shitty this time bc now, for several months, i am not even the person that any of them turn to first for help.

so my ONE way to be in contact w friends & feel helpful? is not available to me bc i am not a priority--and i'm not in their list of first responders.

i am not number one. i am not anywhere in the top five.

i'm someone they occasionally think about. or only think about in a certain capacity.

mainly, rn, their DM. or the person who offers compliments. or the person who spams the discord like an annoying bastard w stupid things that no one gives a single solitary FUCK about, and so they ignore.

so it's the double whammy

i don't even get to FEEL something about them ~only using me for advice and support~ and never engaging w my interests or offering to support me

bc they're not even asking me for advice or support

and i'm just realizing how little i matter

and how many other people they have who are more immediate, more important, closer to them--who they just plain like more

and i have no way of finding any other friends

and i'm sort of spiraling

i thought i had. The Friend Group. like i was set. i was so excited and--looking back. ha.

part of what began to drive the stake between us was my Too Muchness.

apart from some red flags i was ignoring, it seemed like we were all in for each other. there were so many things we wanted to do! plans we were making!

we went on a vacation together, which was HUGE for me, w my overwhelming fear of road trips (hard to explain, not what immediately comes to mind), general anxiety abt being away from home, and lack of Comfort around ppl other than my mom. and i thought it went really well! it seemed like it!

but then i went to grad school and they thought i was an elitist traitor or something? that i thought i was better than them? i literally don't know bc they never told me or admitted to any of their actions or feelings so i've been left to guesswork to fill in the blanks.

but the other part of it was--

i so wanted. to do all those things with them. they were a top priority for me. they were involved in the way i was planning literally the future, years out ahead in my life. that's how i was thinking abt my future. with them in it.

and i just remember one time we went out to eat (which they forced me to do even though i fucking hated it and just wanted to hang out with them and not spend money or be around other loud people) and at that time they revealed that they had plans to move in together (three of them) and they hadn't told me but they'd told the friend in virginia.

they talked abt being concerned abt that friend in virginia--but not me, off in minnesota.

and they mentioned a summer vacation. and i said oh wow that sounds awesome, i love that place. do you think we could do another trip like last time? would that be possible? or maybe just one like it some other time?

and i was so excited and enthused abt it. ME! EXCITED ABT VACATIONING W PEOPLE OTHER THAN MY FAMILY!

and looking back i can see how offput they were (mainly one of them) w that suggestion. they found it distasteful and were humoring me.

of course, covid hit and everything fell apart, so it never happened. lucky them. they went on many trips together after that. i know bc i haven't unfollowed or blocked all of them on social media. they're not often on it so it doesn't matter too much.

but they've posted abt their other trips together.

including one BEFORE i had "left the group" that they just. didn't tell or ask me about.

but i was Too Much for them.

despite everything--despite putting up with their treatment of me and not even noticing it was wrong or bad--i was so excited to just spend more time w them and build my future plans involving and around them.

and even though THEY were the ones that started it...

me doing it was Too Much.

and now i have this group

and the group has splintered bc three of them roomed together and it went Very Weird

and now there's literal hatred and animosity btwn a couple of them

which has meant that for the first few miss frizzle games, all i got hanging w the ones i'm closer to afterwards was just an endless stream of angry complaints abt the other players--

even when i thought everything was fine and had gone well.

yes, even i get frustrated w those two players sometimes. but this last session went really well and the story's picking up and i'm excited for it. and i just--the things that have made me frustrated. i've gotten over. or i've said something in a funny way to make the complaint/dislike clear so we can laugh abt it and move on and it won't get repeated. and it's worked.

but i'm just.

it used to be that we could all chat in the discord sometimes

then that group fell apart

and then 3 of them were like "hey let's make our own server and hang out there"

and it was good for a while

and now it's radio silent, same as before

a few memes or tiktoks

but i'm the one in there most of the time

trying to start conversations and share things

and getting no response

and they're all going through shit, i know

but only loosely

because none of them fucking talk to me

i was called a best friend by one of them and now i'm not even on the list of ppl to inform abt her life. to complain to. to chat w. for months now.

and honestly i'm just so sad and tired and lonely over never having any responses to anything i put in the discord that i just--

i know they're all tired and overwhelmed. i know.

so i don't reach out asking abt that stuff.

if they wanted to complain to me or get my support, they would ask.

and i know that bc that's how it's been in the past.

but they're all in their own spaces and places w their own ppl who are. more enmeshed in their lives. more important. more everything.

and i'm just the annoying shithead who's like 5-6 years older than them just posting stupid shit in the discord for them to ignore.

and one of them bailed 15 mins before our miss frizzle game this past sunday, after having told me they could come and play. i also had set the expectation that ppl tell me if they can't make it w a few days' heads up, bc i need to be able to prepare. we could survive a couple ppl missing a class/game session here or there, it would be okay. and obviously shit happens last minute, so that's fine.

and i absolutely understand that they're going through the Pits of Depression Hell, rn.

but i only get it vaguely bc they don't talk to me. i am not an important or close friend.

i'm not saying that to insult them or myself. it's just true. i am not an important or close friend, for them.

but i asked them--on the off chance--if they might want to sit in on the session, since this "class" was going to be two gaming sessions, and if they could make it to the next one, i'd want them to know what was going on or lemme know any choices they made.

and i said either way, we'd just retcon that their character was there, no problem.

their response sounded. so fucking mad at me. "god i'm fucking sorry i went back to sleep. he's [the PC] basically plant life it's fine"

i didn't say

"hey fuck you for not showing up"

i asked if they'd wanna sit in the group and observe

partly bc sometimes sleeping curled up in a depression pit makes things worse, and partly just so it was easier for them to rejoin in the next session.

bc like. reading an entire game session summary is also a lot. and these players. have a hard time reading ANYTHING i send them. they do it. they manage it. just enough. oddly, the players i anticipated having the most trouble w that are the ones doing the best--my expectations have been flipped.

but i figured sitting in the zoom room might be vaguely entertaining background noise (w camera & mic off!) and they could pick up next session easier, and maybe being around ppl they generally like would be a little bit of a pickmeup.

but instead my question/offer was seen as. angry? needling? judgmental? idfk.

my response was me pretending nothing was wrong bc they had voiced nothing to indicate that anything WAS wrong, and i'm having to work on not interpreting things from ppl when they haven't communicated anything to me. if someone is upset w me or if i hurt them, they HAVE TO TELL ME or i cannot do anything abt it. it's not fair to either of us to expect me to psychically divine every time something is wrong.

and they responded in kind.

but i'm just like.

what the fuck?

you don't talk to me. you don't respond to anything i say. you said, before this campaign ever began, that you "just want a campaign that actually happens"

and then 15 mins before the game you bail--when i have to calculate and balance encounters for a certain number of players AHEAD OF TIME. when i have to spent a lot of time preparing roleplay scenes and information to give your character.

so i'm kind of scrambling, yeah, and hoping that maybe you'll sit in on the session--NOT PLAY! NOT TALK! NOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH PARTICIPATING AT ALL SOCIALLY OR IN THE GAME!--so that it's easier for BOTH OF US to prepare for the next session

because now i have to type up a whole game summary to fill them in on what they missed

assuming, of course, that they don't bail on the next game 15 mins beforehand

i just. i understand that things happened.

but i quite literally went into the discord w just the 3 of them who were like "let's all be friends in here!" and then proceeded to fucking ignore me

and i said basically--

'hey what's the vibe? how are y'all feeling abt the campaign and playing in it, rn? bc i'd be fine hitting pause until y'all felt more ready to participate. we could do oneshots and jackbox game sessions, instead, for a few weeks or a couple months, and then jump right back in. bc i have this campaign literally outlined through to the end, so we WILL complete it. we're NOT bailing on it. lol but we could hit pause if need be. bc this game is a lot of work, and i want y'all to be there in such a way that you can enjoy it. i don't want y'all to miss out or not be present mind-wise. so if we need to hit pause, let's do that.'

and to be clear, no one had communicated ANYTHING to me.

but that was sort of the point.

radio silence.

how am i supposed to interpret that? what am i supposed to do with that, except infer that i should ask them how things are going?

they won't talk to me about their lives, maybe they'll fucking talk to me about this game that THEY wanted to happen. that THEY are invested in. that THEY requested have a large, overarching story and lots of roleplay.

no one directly engaged w anything i said. they both responded abt the upcoming game, and that was it. said they'd check in by friday.

i had to remind them and ask explicitly to get a response friday at like 5 fucking pm

and if that doesn't say it all abt where their priorities are right now

which--

WOULD BE FUCKING FINE

IF THEY WOULD JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME

but they don't and won't.

and here i sit capable of only feeling so many emotions.

if they're (the one who responded as such above) mad at me for being too "businesslike" abt the game, despite me not being a dick abt it and saying it was fine either way, then i'm sorry

but maybe try actually fucking talking to me AT ALL abt ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE GAME so that way it actually feels like maybe we're friends

instead of me being an unpaid DM doing a LOT of fucking work for a group of people who don't particularly care abt me or my wellbeing or the work i'm putting in

and who have lives and friends and family and other shit that's infinitely more important than me

and to circle back around, part of the reason i was so. baffled and confused--and i didn't even have the space or capacity to process and feel that at first--by the angry response to my offer/question

is because

if it's that bad

why are you isolating away from me?

i can't DO anything for you if you don't talk to me! if you don't fucking say anything!

i'm trying to reach out these stupid little branches for fun little moments of conversation and goofiness and what have you

and just. no takers. no response. no nothing.

and idk what their life is like bc they don't talk to me.

none of the three really talk to me.

and forget the other three players, i NEVER talk to them. i am just someone who DMs for them.

they don't ask abt my life or anything. we don't talk abt it.

i don't have a friend group.

i have a group of people, half of whom claim that i am their friend and do nothing to demonstrate it, that i DM for and work my ass of for, and i get nothing in return.

i just wanted them to have fun.

and this last session went so well

but that's it. that's all the time i have to talk to these ppl.

my requests that we hang out more--forgotten for weeks, so i don't bring it up again. bc i have ALWAYS been the one asking.

only to find out, every time throughout my life, that they were all hanging out without me anyway. that i'm just annoying.

i'm Too Much. they don't like me. they don't want me.

and when they do, it's just for advice or support or to use me for something, like DMing.

that's it.

and when we talk abt the game i get excited bc i work so hard on it and i care abt it so much and this is my FIRST TIME EVER DMing for a longform campaign

i have so many hundreds of pages written, so many maps made, so many characters and plots and stories to keep track of

because they asked me to

an option for this campaign was for it to be a monster of the week type thing. no overarching plot. no outer worlds. just a new class each week, everything's fine, then the class ends, end of campaign.

but they wanted an overarching story. and i made it. really big. and, i hope, really cool. really interesting and exciting to try and figure out. something that they'll have fun pulling apart, that will be compelling when it's revealed--all of its itinerant pieces revealed and explained, one by one, over the course of the campaign.

and i just.

want friends.

period.

but also, friends with whom i can get really excited abt this campaign.

and i offered to pause the campaign so everyone could rejoin properly.

and so far the one who bailed 15 mins before--btw, going through diff med changes which are ALWAYS difficult, and didn't fucking think to tell me until i'd had to explicitly ask abt attendance and scheduling like a fucking pain in the ass HR manager or teacher scolding them--has said nothing abt it.

bc they just don't fucking talk to me.

but clearly they need the time as well

and what, they think that despite the fact that i have the entire campaign outlined, that i'll bail on it?

meanwhile the three i was worried abt bailing on the game are fully in, and the three who claimed to be completely in and want this most are not able to be in it, right now. and won't communicate that to me.

i mean to be fair it's really only two of them at the moment.

but now i'm just going down this whole again where i get worked up about the campaign.

but i'm just. realizing. that part of the anger and frustration--which i have to emphasize is not AT any of them--is bc.

they don't need/want me as a friend.

i am not important outside of the game.

and now the game is not even in their top 5 priorities--and i understand why.

but now it's like

they don't ask me for help or support

they don't care abt the things i say

they don't want to have fun conversations or times with me

and they can't be there for this game that i am working so fucking hard on for them

i am making this game for them.

it's really, REALLY hard for my brain to do this. i can't judge if i'm saying too much or not enough. if i'm making something disappointing and boring. i can't tell if they're actually enjoying it, or if the few of them who say "that was fun, thanks, beck!" are humoring me or if they really mean it.

i can't tell if this is exciting and cool. if they like the NPCs. if they like the other PCs and the roleplaying. if they see the mystery. if they're invested.

i can't tell.

and i get little hints that, maybe they are?

and so i worry i'm just in my head abt this, that i'm making this game for me.

i want to have fun, too.

but all of the things i'm doing--i'm doing bc they asked me to.

i offered a miss frizzle game.

i decided i needed to make the world for it.

i asked them what they wanted from the game

and after a lot of fucking pestering they FINALLY told me what they wanted (bc it took them forever to fill out a 4 question survey where the answer could be "nope i'm good!" to basically all the fucking questions, takes 5 mins at most)

and i took that to heart

and i built a world and a plan and a campaign around that

i worked to find ways to connect everything to each of their characters

i've put so much into this

and i'm just

feeling really confused and conflicted

bc no one wants me.

they maybe want me as a DM. maybe.

and that requires. so much work on my part.

and i don't get. any actual friendship from them.

i don't even get to help them with their problems or talk to them abt stuff. i don't even get that anymore.

i feel annoying trying to talk abt the game between sessions. like i'm annoying all of them.

and i just--

this is part of why i resent being told to reach out and be interested in other people

they find me annoying and creepy and Too Much

bc i love other people

as much as i say i hate them

i hate them bc they hate me

i wanted to just read my book and go to fucking sleep early tonight and instead i've been sitting here for an hour crying and typing this up.

and for what?

it changes nothing.

and then fuck me, too, for the times when i'm too tired to want to be engage in a full conversation.

or i'm wary of replying too quickly to something bc what if i'm being annoying or overwhelming?

worrying with every message i send that i've done something wrong. bc isn't that always the case?

and so i want to respond when i feel good enough to respond w the right tone and it's not forced or fake.

bc i guess i'm still trying to perform the interesting agreeable cool funny friend

even talking abt problems i don't talk abt anything that someone can't relate to at all.

and things in my life are so nebulous and weird anyway.

no one could "offer support", right, so why do i even want or miss it?

it's just stupid. i'm tired of being 28 fucking years old and still having to deal with shit like this.

and all those "life gets better in your 30s"

do you SEE the world?

i'll be lucky if i even make it to 40.

not even by my own hand. just everything else.

"there's always time to start what you wanna do"

that's a nice sentiment. it's even true a lot of the time.

when there's not a pandemic. when you have money. and friends. and opportunities and options in front of you. and no disabilities.

i'm just being stupid and shitty and negative now.

but i sort of resent anything that makes me feel fulfilled or alive rn bc then the crash back to earth hurts even worse.

the absence of everything else the majority of the time feels even worse.

and i'm not going to talk to ANY of them abt this bc what would be the point?

they're not in a place to handle a conversation like that w any grace. i'm not even MAD at them! they haven't deliberately done anything wrong, they're just struggling! a lot!

and last time i tried to have a conversation abt things that i was worried abt or hurt by or just wanted to clear up, everything imploded around me and i ended up ghosted and abandoned and blamed for everything.

shit's already empty and absent enough without me throwing dynamite at it and making it worse.

it's just that normally the effort i put into a friendship is immaterial.

but now i'm DMing this game and the effort is very material.

and now i'm feeling it more accutely.

and i can't do anything abt it.

i just.

hanging out w friends makes me feel better. and i KNOW that's the case for most people.

and here i am, trying to make that happen in a low stakes way just talking in discord.

and still nothing.

just.

nothing.

i'm a bad person for trying. for asking. for wanting.

i can't help if i don't know, if they don't tell me.

but they don't want me to ask. bc they don't respond to anything i say, at this point.

enough to know they're alive. and that's abt it.

0 notes

hueningshaped · 2 years

Note

first of all your emoticon for me,,,,,, about to make that become my whole personality😈 also i realized later on that yours should've been with a heart instead,,, the heart just doesn't do you justice you literally radiate love😾 ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊ the only right way!!!😌 the soobin tweet??? why does it look like a mugshot😭😭 but working feels like being imprisoned so it's very on theme ig😐 ofc beffie let's go txt did not create run away for us to just live in these conditions!!!!! stop it i'm lit erally blushing and giggl ing rn.......... ur NOT evil!!!!!!!! i know that you always need to set aside some time to reply!!! you know i will always wait for u💘🫂💖🫶🏻💓 no because the "SICKENING" combined witch the crutches emoji had me laughing so hard😭😭😭 i can't believe instagram would do that to me though. currently walking towards zuckerberg's office with pitchfork in hand😾 i'll send a ss of it along with this ask!!! i get it beffie i always put off listening to new songs for sooooo long😭😭 the only group i follow really closely is txt but the 4th gen girls seem soooo lovely and they're doing so well too!! i still remember when the 3rd gen girls were basically fighting for their lives bc nobody gave them a chance but nowadays they are ON TOP!!! i like ive's music and they seem like such sweet girls too🥹 aside from them i also listen to stayc (run2u and stereotype,,, i'm kissing the forehead of whoever made those songs!!!!) and aespa (i usually don't like their songs (not illusion though!!! absolute banger🫶🏻) on first listen but somehow i hear them everywhere until i get obsessed with them🧎🏻) plus newjeans seem to have very good music!! but i've only heard snippets so far and i'm kind of intimidated by their age they're still babies to me i can't believe how young idols are getting😭😭 NOOOO THE VIDEOS tyun really just left him to fend for himself😭 choi line is so unserious i'm pretty sure they've convinced themselves that bickering is as important as oxygen🤨 AND THE SOOBIN VID you're so right that IS us!! OFC I LISTENED TO THE CB!!!!!!! as expected from txt it was a masterpiece🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 ESPECIALLY RING oh m ygod ring,,,,,, it has been on repeattttt along with hitori no yoru!!! and the mv😧😧😧 it was so different from the korean version and the theories about it are so😵‍💫😵‍💫 what about you beffie!!!!!! here is the first the second and a third one to add onto the one you sent me!!! take care and give ur cats a kiss from me I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!!!

🤯❤️‍🩹⁉️⁉️ oh my god it’s literaly ben 9 days:?.?.?.!:!2&2&!/:!;! i feel like this is the first time ive been able to breathe for a little hehe :( anyway sheesh…… (im pathetically sorry btw, like very very very sorry) nono the hearts (+sparkles) are for YOU !!!!!! u radiate love 😿 it’s all you for heaven’s sakes… a lotta bit of this .˚ * ⊹ • and ♡ᐝ and boom = APPLE, everything good and nice in this world :”) yes.. work = prison. i want out 🗣 !!!! i think… i think that i’m going to try (as much as this wrenches my heart) to make messages more concise(?) at least in an efficient way so that it tricks my brain into making me answer them first before doing all my stupid monotonous tasks (idk why im set up this way 🥺 wish i could change) i just feel like im making things 100x times worse by doing nothing *cries* anyways i say this all the time so it’s pointless i suppose hehe you’d think by now i’d get myself together 🥺 nyway the last of my intentions was to just take up all my talking with my deprecation anyway haha anyway omg we mob zuckerburg’s office together ? im Down 🥹 (that picture is so funny omg ty 4 sending it to me) twice runs this world <3 twice world domination omg i enjoy those groups’ music too !!!! tho i rlly rlly love stayc im a swith 🫀 moaswith before human hehe and ahhh txt vocals in both songs?!2!2?2?3’!2!2! really appreciate the way soobin’s voice was used 🫶 good job kings 🫶 i cant even make up my mind on what really happened in the music video agh i kinda love it when something is sooo open ended that it can fit multiple theories and there’s room for it to be looked at differently through different perspectives idk the human mind is so :0 when u think about it… at the end of the day we’re just ants on a log idk 😧 i havent a clue as to what has happened since we last spoke since i feel like ive lost track of the entire world it seems 😔 imwsorrymmmm let’s see…. anything new that’s happened in ur life ? 🧐 anything that ur looking forward to or that you’ve got coming up ? 😿 i’d lov to know <3 also one thing i know is selugi solo cb *cue gasp* was there any of the rv solos that you liked more than the others ? i have to know or ill implode jk hehe also i still haven’t seen the new season for talk x today but camping with beomgyu ??? 🥺 sounds so nice hnckdjffjf AND UR LINKS!!1!1!2! ty for forwarding the penguin hyuka agenda 🫡🫡🫡 im respectfully devastated 🫡🫡🫡 the soobin tweet for some reason glitched my phone out so bad i had to restart my phone rn haha made me giggle thanks soob <3 never a dull moment with u guys and the third one disappeared ☹️ nonetheless i hold it all very dear and close to me thank you 🥹 always for thinking of me so nicely though i don’t deserve it ! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’s…. You rock 🫶 these yeonkais are so adorable ouchies 😭 ur links for this 📫: beomgyu cat 💔 bg’s duality 🙀 the snow just like we want 😿😿😿 and us probably in an au and um here’s a song for you that ive become emotionally and physically attached to anyways… i think im rambling and contradicting myself so badly i feel like a dog that tore up a sofa while its owners were gone wjhfjsjfjsjjfj anyways. Bottom line is… i adore you and i truly hope that things have been going well for you and will continue to do so and if you are encountering a rough patch it shall pass <3 and you won’t have to endure it alone for i love you and am here for you

#ask >3<#i might have cried #i have a stye so i cant see that well rn omg #[❤️⭐️]—aquí te amo

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clownistyping · 3 years

Text

A Witch & A Hick, Chp. 3

Little Secret

This chapter is just the two learning about each other and car problems lol.

Also warning for Elizabeth offering sex as payment lol, it doesn't happen. Also I do hc Lester living in a trailer bc its extremely common and realistic tbh.

Lester puts the truck in drive and looks at Elizabeth as he presses the brake,

"I remember you said there's a town nearby, any chance we can go there to fix up my van?" Elizabeth asks as she pets the two dogs,

"No need, they'll charge ya criminal prices. I can fix it." Criminal prices, he repeats in his head.

"Oh come on, you've already done so much." Elizabeth says her face soft,

"I insist! I can't just let them uh take ya money when I can fix it for free." He smiles and Elizabeth mirrors it. Lester gives from the brakes and drives towards his home,

"I have a feeling there's something...more behind this." Lester gulps,

"What made ya think that?" Lester nervously laughs and his hands tighten around the wheel,

"That's how most men are, expect a favor for a favor. Though they often expect ya know." Lester blinks and cringes,

"Aw that! I wasn't thinking anything like that, hell I wasn't even thinking about you doing anything."

"I mean I'll do it." His eyes widen and he stops the truck again,

"What?" He blushes and looks at the girl,

"I'll get you off, I've done it before."

"No no! I have to decline, I just ain't that kinda man." Lester nods to the woman who shrugs, he lied. He is that kinda man, he's had victims beg for safety with offers of sex. He always took it, but let's the girls fall back in the hands of his brothers.

"Not that I don't find ya pretty!" He defends quickly and Elizabeth laughs,

"You're real purdy, I just. I just can't." He sighs and Elizabeth notices how tense he is.

"Thanks, for calling me pretty." She smiles,

"I think you're real pretty too." She compliments Lester who blushes again, Lester has never talked to a stranger this long. Never had a girl call him pretty, never met her.

"Ya just sayin that cuz I'm given ya a ride." Lester chuckles and Elizabeth shakes her head,

"Nope," she pops her P,

"Everybody's beautiful in they're own way, just as nature intended." Lester blinks and remembers her van, the witchy collection in it.

"Oh right, you're a witch!" Lester exclaims and Elizabeth nods,

"How'd you know?" She teased and Lester laughs,

"How'd you even get in all that junk anyways?" Lester asks and flicks his hat,

"It ain't junk. Don't be rude," Elizabeth smirks and Lester nods his head, Jonesey puts her head on Lester's lap. He pets the dogs head.

"Sorry but, how did you ya know..start?"

"My sister got me my tarot cards, she really showed me the basics of witchcraft. Our parents didn't really care all that much but never let us do it in the house. Guess that's why I moved out so early too." Elizabeth laughs,

Lester pulls up towards a driveway of a trailer.

The trailer is a once white single wide, covered in vines and ivy. Bones hung from the porch ceiling,

Elizabeth notices his front door was wide open, and in the yard were scatters of trash, car parts, bones and more. The windows were open but blinds were keeping the inside blocked.

It looks like nobody lives there, as stray cats scurried under the trailer and hissed at each other.

"I'll be quick, I'll just unload your van and fix her right up in a jiffy." Lester smiles at the girl and gets out of the truck, Jonesey follows and Mac follows after her.

Elizabeth smiles as she watches the two dogs sniff around and play, getting out of the truck her barefeet sink into the grass and dirt. She stretches, the truck wasn't entirely comfortable with Mac siting right on her.

"Sorry for the mess, I don't really have guests." Lester says as he unhooks the van,

"Its fine, I've seen much worse."

"Nah, doubt it." Lester shakes his head and wipes his hands on his jeans, Elizabeth takes note of the depreciation joke he says.

As Lester pops her hood and smoke rises from it, Elizabeth frowns.

"That happened before?" Lester asks as he waves the smoke off, Elizabeth nods.

"Yeah, I've had a couple engine problems. Mainly because of oil, but my light wasn't even on."

"Yup, cars will do that. Just spring a problem on ya right as ya were doing fine." Lester grazes his hand over the engine and instantly finds the problem,

"When's the last time ya changed the cooling fan?"

"Never."

"Cleaned it?"

"Never." Lester sighs and Elizabeth frowns,

"That bad?" He nods,

"Your engine is busted, you're gonna need a new one."

"Nooooo." Elizabeth groans

"Hey its okay, this happens all the time. It's just an accident." Lester tries to comfort the girl, she squats and hides in her knees.

"Hey now," Lester gets on his knee and pats the girls back.

"We can maybe order one from the next town over, but it'll take a while for it to come in since we're basically in the middle of no where." Lester then sits with the girl and he blinks when he hears a sob come from her.

"Jeez darlin, it ain't anything to cry about." He says and Elizabeth looks up, her makeup more runny than before,

"This is my karma! I know it is and- and I shouldn't be cryin-ing but-" she hides her face again and Lester stutters,

"Aw no no, this ain't karma just an accident. Honest."

He isn't entirely sure what else to do, seen plenty of girls cry in Ambrose. Ain't none of them cried like this.

Crying about karma, hell if karma was real he'd be dead, he thinks and shakes his head. He gently pats the girls back as she sobs. The two dogs show up and sit around the two Mac places his head on the girls back. Pushing Lester's hand away, Elizabeth quickly hugs her dog.

After a couple minutes, her sobs stop and she looks up.

"Im sorry Lester, I just. It's just been a lot today," she says and wipes her eyes, smudging her makeup.

"Wanna talk about it?" Lester ask and Elizabeth looks around, noticing the sun is starting to set.

"No, not right now. I'm just tired now, sorry for bothering you with my emotions and junk."

"Ain't no bother at all, I'm happy to help." She shows a smile from his words as he stands, he puts his hand out and she takes it to stand.

"I know, and thanks again. Do you think it's alright if my van stays the night? I'll try to go to another town in the morning and order an engine. I'll find a motel too." She says, trying to clean her face up from tears and makeup.

Lester raises a brow, and Elizabeth shakes her head already knowing he'll offer his home.

"Lester please you've already done so much for me! I promise that by tomorrow I'll be out of your hair." She says and Lester shakes his head,

"Darlin, How about we both go into town order you an engine and when it gets here I can put it in. If you think I'm letting you sleep in that hot van for the night you're dead wrong." Lester stands up straight and crosses his arms, Elizabeth actually has to look up to see his face.

"I've got a spare room, it's messy and mainly holds all my junk but it's got a bed, a desk and a closet." Lester says and Elizabeth takes a deep breathe,

"Thank you," she says and Lester uncrosses his arms,

"I mean it, without you I'd probably be kidnapped by some crazy guy. Unless you are the crazy guy." She jokes and Lester nervously laughs.

"I like to call myself unqiue." Lester jokes and Elizabeth laughs,

"That you are friend, that you are." Elizabeth says and watches as the sun falls behind the trees.

After grabbing her needed things from the van, the two walk towards the trailer.

The two walk onto the wooden porch, Elizabeth's hands grazing the bones hanging above,

"Those are my people repellents, makes hikers skedaddle." Lester jokes and Elizabeth smiles,

"They're beautiful," she compliments and Lester walks through the open door,

"Yup, they sure are. I uh, I keep my door open so the strays can come in and relax and get away from the heat." He says and flicks on a light, it blinks a few times but turns on.

The two are standing in the living room, the couches covered in fur and scratches. Clothes are all around and clean and unclean bones sit on the coffee table.

But the recliner is free of fur, just a flannel on the back.

Lester notices his playboy magazine on the coffee table and quickly snatches up the magazine, Rolling it up he laughs embarrassingly.

"Sorry about that, again not often I get guests." Elizabeth smiles and shakes her head. From behind the two, Mac and Jonesey come running in. They jump on the couch and sit next to each other.

"My house is there house." Lester pets Jonesy's head and smiles, putting the magazine behind the couch during this. He turns to face Elizabeth whose staring at the bones,

"I'll show you to ya room," Lester walks to the right and opens a bedroom door,

The bedroom filled with bones in boxes, books, clothes and random knick knacks. He quickly lifts boxes from the bed and pats the dust off.

"My casa your casa." He smiles and Elizabeth places her stuff down, Lester stands in the doorway now.

"Thanks again, Lester. I really appreciate it." Elizabeth puts her hand out and Lester looks down at it. It's so small, he gently grabs it and Elizabeth grabs one of the bracelets on her wrist. She brings it over her hand and onto his,

"I can't not give you a gift." She says and lets him go, Lester looks down at the bracelet. A whole set of animal teeth with beads in between.

"I- thank you. It's so purdy." He says and continues,

"You're a real uh...what's it called?"

"Freak?" He quickly shakes his head, and takes her hand again. Putting their wrists together with the bracelets,

"Unique," he smiles, "You're a real unique girl."

"Is it because I mess with bones and junk?"

"Well that, and because you're real nice." Elizabeth smiles,

"You're just as unique as me Lester." She says and the two look at each other for a second, wanting this conversation not to end but not sure how to continue.

Suddenly from behind Lester, Mac barks.

Elizabeth laughs,

"It's past his bedtime, sorry he gets cranky when he's not in bed by this time." Lester let's the dog run past him and onto the bed,

"Well, goodnight, um. Sleep tight?"

"You too Lester." Elizabeth quietly shuts her door and Lester stares at the closed door. Jonesy whines from behind him,

Lester turns to the dog and squats, he pets the dogs cheeks and smiles.

"She'll be our little secret, right Jonesey?" The dog licks his face.

#house of wax #house of wax 2005 #lester sinclair #lester sinclair x reader #my writing #self insert #self ship #oc x canon #canon x oc

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creepypocky · 3 years

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hi hi! how are you doing today? ^-^

i'm 5'4, non-binary (he/they/it), biromantic and i dress super edgy (pastel goth) ;^; i've got short, messy, blond hair, bright green/blue eyes, rather full red-ish lips, extremely pale skin and i'm pretty chubby (a big insecurity of mine).

the first impression many people get of me is unemotional and quiet. i don't talk, and when i do have to, i start shaking and stuttering. i do what i'm told and don't stand up for myself at any given point. essentially, i'm an anxious pushover.

when i get more comfortable, i start getting louder. i behave like i'm super confident, untouchable, i make sarcastic remarks all of the time and i just overall like making people laugh, still keeping my resting bitch face though.

however, most of that is to mask my insecurities. i'm still an anxious pushover, constantly thinking everyone hates me and that i'm a disappointment, but due to past experiences i started hiding that. i have heavy moodswings as well (possibly because of my ADD), and a lot of people can't deal with that. i can go from super happy to extremely depressed or emotionless in no time.

overall, i'd say my actual personality is scared puppy with abandonment issues-

i like spending time with extroverted people, people that are understanding and sweet (maybe somewhat flirty and playful, but shh), and don't mind me having a need for physical affection and reassurance. people that can rant about things they like, and don't think it's their fault when i just can't express emotions atm.

i hope this was okay ;^;

Heyy hon! Sorry you had to wait a little bit! I will get to this fabulous matchup now <3

Also I am doing great, thank you so much for asking. :)

|| I match you with: Ticci Toby! ||

First off, he lovess your hair and your eyes. He likes to play with your hair and make it even more messy than it is only to fix it right back up because its just so soffttttt. He likes to just randomly stop and look deeply into your eyes until he absolutely has to blink.

He doesn't judge you whatsoever for being a little chubby, especially since he knows full well how it feels to be made fun of for something you didn't feel good about because of bullies from before he became a proxy. Instead he will help you love your body and help you get healthier!

If anyone ever messes with you and you're way too shy to stand up for yourself, there he'll be, right next to you and backing you up to make sure you don't get hurt or have a panic attacks. He hates it when people mess with you or bully you bc he's super overprotective.

He loves it when you get more confident and loud, he really loves to see you enjoy yourself and smile. It just gives him so much happiness.

He'll always be right there to reassure you that nobody hates you or thinks you're a disappointment, he absolutely hates seeing you upset and hating yourself. He just wants you to feel better and he'll help you love yourself more and not care as much about what other people think.

He most definitely understands having heavy mood swings, especially since he's bipolar and can't even control them. He'll make sure to always look after you and make sure you don't get in danger or lose touch with yourself. If he can deal with himself and his own issues, then he can definitely be there to deal with yours. And it won't bother him, he just wants to help you.

Toby is pretty extroverted and loves to play around and do pranks, but he's still understanding and kind for you. There's a rare chance he would ever do something to make you upset on purpose. This boi is so sweet and soft for you its insane.

Hon he'll give you all the physical and mental affection you need, he lovesssss to cuddle and just hold you close whenever he can. He never blames himself if you can't express emotion because he's the same way at times and know that you're just going through stuff.

~~~

There you go~

I hope you enjoyed this matchup as much as I loved writing it! I hope you're having an amazing day/night and make sure to take great care of yourself. <3

#creepypasta fluff #creepypasta matchups #ticci toby #ticci toby fluff #toby rogers #matchups #anon ask #creepypasta

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nothuman42 · 6 years

Text

First Suicidal Note and Attempt

October 8, 2017 6:57am

If you read this first, then you're special to me.

By time time you read this... its too late.

You know, it's very hard to be happy right now. All I wish, no... All I hope, is to end my life, right now.

I'm having a hard time a few years ago until now... and its really hard to deal with this feeling, like, I wanted to cut my wrist, I wanted to drink poison, I wanted to get a rope and tie myself up, I wanted to hit by a car while crossing on the road bc I don't really care for myself anymore.

But it's not the solution, right? Nobody wants to die, and it is real. But why people keeps killing themselves if nobody wants to die.

We only want to kill this feeling. We want to kill despair, and replace it with hope. But no matter what we do, no matter how we try things, it never works. The hope thing never works. It's like, we're already drown through the depths of darkness. There's no way out. I can't go out. My life is still monochrome. I can't see colors. I can't see happiness. I really can't. I'm so numb. I can't feel anything. Isn't it normal? Or not? Idk.

The pain, anguish, hatreds, regrets, all of it were inside my body. And I’m giving up, because I had enough. It’s so hard. I’m giving up because that is my only choice.

The feeling of sadness without a reason, the feeling of panicking, thinking about things that would happen, those anxieties, those self-harm and self-loathing, I wanna end it all. I just wanna stop my heart. I cannot take this anymore. I want to be dead, I want to sleep without waking up. Can I do it? I can do it right?

This is the reality of life... rather, my life. Everyday, I wanted to remove the pain but I can't. It's like a virus. It was already in my body, slowly killing my internal organs. Doesn't sound good, right?

The pain when I woke up each day, is like a human experiencing stage 4 cancer with a little chance to live.

If life can exchange with other people lives, I would exchange my life to those people who wanted to live longer. And also I want to donate my organs so that others will benefit.

If I die, don't cry at the front of my funeral. Why? Because in the first place, Y'ALL KILLED ME.

Yes. Y’all killed me. You ask yourself why? Then think of what you've done. :)

Y'all know, I don't want to be a burden anymore. I want y'all to be happy without me, without the toxic one. Because I'm the toxic one. And the world would be better if I’m gone

So I’m better off dead.

That’s it.

That's all I wanted to say.

Au revoir.

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harryisntstraight · 7 years

Note

Medication anon is back- I was just wondering what made you want to take them (that you feel like death can't come soon enough is given but why that over anything else? assuming you don't do therapy too, idk?) and if you can feel any change at all? I'm terrified of giving it a go because I feel like I'm making up the shit in my head despite the fact that I would literally rather drill a hole through my brain than participate in society so I don't deserve to try but also, 1

I’m afraid that it’ll cause some weird ass reactions and take a while to settle which would impede my ability to take exams in a couple of months? (As though I’m in any state to take them now, lmao) Am I just crazy? So yeah, I feel like I’m making things up so maybe I should just suck it and make Lifestyle Changes but also… I’m glued to my bed so idk. I’m sorry I’m rambling, it doesn’t make much sense but I’m just a messy ball of hyper/ sad feelz and I want the world to stop so I can get off

hiiii! tbh a lot of what youre saying i can really relate to. i spent a loooong time thinking i was faking or being overdramatic or just lazy and just trying to cope by myself and pretend that it wasnt really happening. as for deciding to take medication its kind of a long story, i first starting going to therapy when i was 18 because my mum kind of picked up that something wasnt right and that i needed help and booked me a doctors appointment where they offered me medication but i didnt want to take it basically for all the reasons you’ve explained in this ask. so eventually my mum decided to pay for me to get private therapy bc the waiting list to get it on the nhs was a year and a half long. so i went to therapy for like ?? 3 or 4 months before i moved to london for uni and then i stopped going bc i couldnt afford to pay for it anymore and i was like. u know what. i’m fine!!! i dont need therapy!! i’m an adult!! (spoiler: i was not fine) long story short a couple months ago i decided that i was really struggling and that i needed to see a doctor and get my shit together and i was honestly really up for taking medication seeing as therapy alone honestly just didn’t feel it had helped me at all. like to me my illness is so physical? so even though i had learnt all these coping mechanisms at therapy i just felt like my brain was physically incapable of performing them. like idk the only way i can explain it is that its like i had a broken leg and my therapist was telling me i needed to get from a to b but nobody had given me crutches or a wheelchair.

but anyway YEAH this is such a ramble but i just felt like therapy alone wasnt enough and that i needed a physical aid, which i guess i saw as medication. my doctor has me on a waiting list to start therapy again and my first session is next week and i think pretty much any doctor will recommend that if ur going to take medication, that you do therapy as well so you can tackle ur symptoms from all angles. honestly i feel like theres such a stigma around taking medication for mental health issues that really shouldnt be there, in my experience its nowhere near as scary or life altering as people assume that it is. obviously it depends on what specific medication u take, but most antidepressants take 6 weeks minimum to have a proper affect, so its not like u take one and theres this huge reaction and u become a different person or an emotionless zombie, yknow? for me i did have some initial side effects, but they were pretty minor. stuff like feeling a bit sick, a bit jittery, and ironically having heightened anxiety. but that all went away after a week maximum.

i think medication is different for everyone and although not everyone will benefit from it, i feel like if you think its a possibility for you, you should definitely ask your doctor about it and decide together whether its a good choice or not. they can start you out on a low dosage and if you have bad side effects or just change your mind about taking it then your doctor can help u to come off it safely. like, i have weekly doctors appointments to talk about my progress and my meds, its not like they just give u some tablets and throw you in at the deep end yknow? honestly, theres no shame in taking meds and mental health is just as important as physical health and everyone deserves a chance to get better and not suffer in silence and just ‘suck it up.’ meds are there to help you, theyre arent this yknow, super scary pill thats gonna turn u crazier than you already feel. from what youve said i’d really advise you to just make an appointment with ur doctor and tell them how ur feeling and that youve thought about medication and see where it goes from there. sorry this is so long and rambly omg but like.. i care a lot asjfhsdhf. i hope this helped a lil bit and feel free to ask if ur curious about anything else xxx

#Anonymous #mental health

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celestialallstars · 5 years

Text

Episode #9: “Beggars can't be choosers and I'm already on my knees” - Jack

Ok well never mind Drew just got booted which NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT??? Like if Matt had gone it'd have been one thing because I would've heard at least the name of the person who actually went, people might've been honest for once. But noooooooo let's create this Drew concoction and once again leave Jack out of a vote! I mean, would I have voted Drew out? I don't know, probably not. But still it's the principle. Was I kept safe? Yes, but another ally and former Cyrena left. My numbers keep dwindling and I am scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

So this round I want Mitch gone. I don't trust him too much, as I know he isn't as close to Bryce as I am. Which scares me cause Bryce is my ally right now. I know me and Mitch are in this 8 person alliance, but that shit means NOTHING to me. As I never said i wanted to be in it. So Ya FUCK THAT. Time for me to push mitch this round.

Drew is out but I decided to be honest about it with Michael. Ill talk with Chloe today and try and do some chatting with Jack too but beside that I usve hope for a few tribals wooo! Or maybe its time to die, we'll see ha

I’m already over this game and it’s final fucking 12. I shouldn’t have played I should’ve just hosted this is all my worst orgs on fucking steroids because everyone’s too busy fetishizing this anti-Cyrena agenda. I don’t care if it’s not a thing, there’s no reason to target Matt and I and leave us out of votes when we have 0 agency and are literally 2 votes up for grabs. But nobody gives a flying fuck about logical gameplay and like fine, be a moron, and have fun getting blindsided at 9th when all the easy votes are gone and you were too busy standing around with your dick in your hand to put yourself in a better position. Fuck this season and fuck this cast

Today's to do list:

Call Jared Yell at Jared Tell Jared he's not beating his Wakea placement Hang up Win immunity Cry myself to sleep

________________________________________________________________

"yikes, you’ve been shot!" is a common theme for me this season

Watching the immunity was pretty telling I'd say, as random as it was. Having it said, it's been down to Loris, Zach, and Bryce for hours now. THE smart thing is to give Bryce immunity and up his threat level, but alas we gotta get a show out of it lol.

So uh.... forget everything I said about Jared I guess because he wants to work with me? Lmao. Idk man like, can I really trust anyone besides Michael and Matt at this point? Not really, but Jared is the ONLY other person to legitimately give me a lifeline here (I don't count Mitch/Chris or any of the BS Zach/Bryce are giving me) so I have to take it, find some footing, figure out if I can actually get through this early merge here. I'm keeping my head down unlike my past games and I'm letting the game come to me. Beggars can't be choosers and I'm already on my knees

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I FOUND AN IDOL!! I cant say I thought this would happen but I am so happy that it did! I just hope I can do right by this immunity idol! I got help out of Stephen so I am just so thankful for that!!

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So I have this feeling things are not going to go the way I wish so. Rhys is gathering troops to get Mitch out and he's already gone to Bryce who told me and Zach, and Jared. How does he have numbers? BECAUSE HE HAS FLIPPED. We might as well should've had Kori in the chats because both have said the same thing as far as contributions go

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Now I am in a pickle, not knowing if Jared/Bryce/Zach all want to flip after they wnet on a call together. Its a little concerning not gonna lie. What makes this worse is that like we are putting ourselves in a position where we HAVE to do play certain way. I dont want to be 6-5 I want to have cushion and Rhys is doing exactly what I figured he would be doing just early. I need to figure out exactly how willing the others are for this before its too late

So last tribal was a little bit of a rough one and the day after wasn’t too great either I just felt drained the entire day but I didn’t sign up for all stars to lose after being blindsided I came to win and I need to do whatever I can to get that fighting spirit back. I’m not out of this yet and hopefully the relationships I’ve built plus the killshot results mean that we can get a nice little blindside going.

What’s the German word for when people ask you if you’ve heard anything about the vote knowing full well you haven’t been privy to any information all merge?

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Bryce telling me Mitch’s name??? 8.5 hours before tribal??? You really do love to see it. Michael told me Jared told him Mitch as well, so I’ll probably hear from Jared soon. This is beautiful stuff I could give less of a fuck about Mitch going. Everything’s coming up Millhouse!

These bitches are conspiring against me.

So, Rhys has been feeling antsy and decided he wants to flip on our 8. Tbh it's probably a smart move for him since he's the least incorporated of the 8 and would likely get 8th if my understanding of the situation is anything to go by. Soooo I can't exactly blame him, but, that's not all.

Bryce is ALSO wanting to flip. It seems so early for a well-connected member of the alliance to want to do something like that, so I imagine it's because he wants to play the middle between this group and the 4 outside of it. Rhys and Bryce may have leaked the alliance already, and, if they did that, then they also probably leaked how everyone was pretending Matt was the target at the last vote.

This group seems to be planning to vote Mitch out tonight, which isssssss bad. Very bad. Especially bad for me since he is one of my closest allies.

Chris found an idol, though, and I'm really hoping we can save it for late-game. There's still a chance this vote can turn around though. That's what I'm hoping for.

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IM BEING DUMB IDK WHAT TO DO UGH I WANT MITCH OUT HTIS ISNT SMART THIS ISNT LIKE ITS NOT I KNOW THAT BUT IM DOING IT ANYWAY THIS IS A MISTAKE I KNOW IT IS JFAKDHK BUT IDK HOW TO PLAY THIS GAME BC I THINK PPL SAY IM A THREAT AND I CAN ONLY PLAY UTR SNAKE NOT THIS WHOLE KUMBAYAH THING PPL GOT GOING ON

hi. so . after I almost win immunity after it was given to bryce when hes already won immunity in another social challenge, now bryce wants to vote mitch because ‘he Doesn’t like him’. I don’t know who the votes going to be and I rlly like Mitch so like I’m gonna pray and try to make sure it’s not him :( Fuck bryce

Okay... so. This round has been quite a lot, and I am going to try to explain it piece by piece because I have probably played more game in this round than I have the rest of the game combined.

Rhys told me that he wants to flip, and then Bryce told me that Zach also wants to flip (along with himself) against Mitch. I did not want to deal so I went to sleep.

I called Zach the same night and tried to gauge how much trust he has in me by admitting that Rhys wants to flip, and seeing how he would react towards me. He played very coy which is very... Zach.

Bryce told me that he went to Chris about flipping and that Chris shut it down, so I quickly went and leaked to Chris and showed my disinterest in flipping. I made a plan to call Zach and Bryce and try to convince them that this was the wrong move. (Keep in mind this was all the same night, after the immunity results.) I thought I made up some ground and pointed them in the direction of targeting Michael, but I would soon realize that they were just placating me. The call ended with Zach saying that he wanted to get Stephen's thoughts in the morning.

Come the morning, I hatch this crackhead plan to get Mitch the merge idol. According to Stephen from the night before, we were only 11 steps away from the end of the bridge. At 9 AM Bryce quickly searches and says "IT APPEARS WHATEVER WAS ONCE HERE IS GONE AHHH" (I was using my 3 person alliance to get myself or Bryce the idol, not knowing that I would regret doing that.) Being that Bryce said the exact line as if something were missing, I thought there were a couple possible scenarios: 1. He straight up lied. 2. Stephen actually got to the end of the bridge the night before. 3. The night before after everyone had guessed, Bryce took the numbers to a 3rd party (Zach) so they could get the idol.

So that plan was dead. I then considered, "what if I give Mitch my idol?" I quickly realized I would probably regret that in a few rounds.

I spent the rest of today formulating a plan to position myself in everyone's good graces no matter what the outcome of the vote is. I told Rhys I would help him recruit the minority to vote Mitch. I messaged all of them about the vote, and then I came clean with Chloe on call saying that "even though the vote is Mitch, we should be aware that it aligns with Bryce and Zach's agenda and they threw your name." I then communicated to Chris, Loris, and Stephen what Rhys said and my distaste for flipping.

You may wonder where the sudden distrust for Bryce came from. Well, Chris told me that Loris said "Bryce had this planned before immunity (voting for Mitch)." I'm thinking Bryce probably just used me to get to Zach but still wants us to be the F3. My interests don't seem to be aligning with theirs.

With that being said I will likely be voting for Mitch tonight. RIP to the brodie, you deserved better. I will try my best to put off using my challenge advantage and my idol for as long as possible, and I will be trying to play both sides between the Zach/Bryce duo and Chris.

So I’m finally in danger of going (love that). I’m praying someone doesn’t have an idol because I feel like the rehidden one has been found. It’s between me and matt but if I stay which I think is likely, I have to do a better job communicating. I think that’s what got me in this position in the first place. If this is my last confessional I really hope jared Stephen or Chris wins. They are all playing solid games and I will be cheering them on from the sideline

jared thinks hes so funny calling zach but not me like. all i demand from allies is complete loyalty and that they talk to no one else. is that asking too much???

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Mitch is voted out 6-5-1. He becomes the 1st member of our jury!

Watch his exit interview below:

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#episode #shinebright

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