#but i absolutely do not know how/what to charge to get a good baseline of Reasonable but Afforable
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top 3 landoscar moments <3
miss risa you have no idea how difficult this was i think this is like 20x the acceptable length of what this prompt called for.
honorable mentions: not one specific moment but any instance of 1) lando constantly giving oscar the opportunity to win in the final round (see winner-takes-all during summer games + 100-point ultimatum in mini golf), i think if we tallied all their wins by round over the course of mclaren pr videos he'd honestly be above oscar by now, 2) lando being obessed with saying OSCUHHHH like it's an actual filler word he's ingrained into his basal speech patterns instead of his legal name, and 3) obviously oscar hearts-eyeing lando's entire existence in general though i think one great moment is the virgin radio uk appearance because why were they still managing to exchange extremely charged eye contact throughout 14 minutes of zak brown sitting between them. brah
other hms include ice bath video just because them making those sounds at each other was objectively hilarious, the cricket match-up (lando getting all worked up like "nice and easy oscar or else i'll take you off in the next race!!!" "i'm just worried about oscar, i feel like he's a silent killer you know" "oscahhh ): let me get you out mate ))):" and then oscar nonchalantly going Well it's only lando bowling i'll be fine. and immediately decimating him with his aussie schoolboy cricket prowess lmfao), suzuka in general but more specifically oscar not being prepared in the slightest to get absolutely doused by lando on the podium after he foksmashed his champagne, and also underrated landoscar moment is definitely oscar submitting the lando P3NI5 photo to a neural network image guesser.
ok let me get onto the actual list but thongs debate too just because lando obviously Knew but was doing it to be a little shit... in general i think what's fun to me about landoscar is that they've become quite natural in a sort of quiet domestic way so i like any moment that shows off their wordless communication, or alternatively oscar's endless level of patience + tolerance toward lando (listening to whatever pre-race music he blasts / silently giggling at his antics during the cake decoration video). like it's kind of funny when lando pretends in any way that he's miles more hilarious than oscar is because 1) he literally has the exact same sarcastic sense of humor, 2) 80% of his humor is a defense mechanism anyway, and 3) he's probably even more baseline introverted than oscar is (omg i could write a thesis on their social media presences but i won't.) and whenever people talked about how carlando were So Funny as teammates and mistakenly ascribed effusiveness to lando's character in response to their dynamic it quickly became apparent later on that carlos was always the one bringing this out in lando and not the other way around so... like i think their humor matches up well just in subtle moments aka the post-double podium video where oscar is like eyeing the way lando is holding his trophy at the start and then lando gets embarrassed and they start giggling while poor andrea is trying to make his speech like If you two don't stop!!
ANYWAY THE LIST:
🥉 twister: not really because it tells me anything wrt aspects of their dynamic but just because it's SO RIDICULOUS AND UNHINGED. first of all it's such a stunning instance of lando being better at something than oscar is but then the something is literally just being flexible so that's already a large enough indictment there (why are you as a man only good at golfing and being a little gaybo... i won't). but like [face-to-face with oscar's ass while folded up like a little pretzel] "what a sight that is" / "OSCUHH" x5 WHILE HIS VOICE IS LITERALLY GOING HOARSE IN THE PROCESS / and of course the most formative "YOUR LEFT FOOT IS NOT GOING BETWEEN MY LEGS!!!" actually dynamics-wise this WAS informative in that it proved to us that oscar will always be the first to lose at gay chicken. amen
🥈 sportbible green flag video: i think this video deserves to be slotted in at #2 because it's from when their teammate dynamic was still somewhat fresh but it proved to me that oscar was capable of Handling lando... like lando was clearly On One here and saying the most genuinely unhinged shit and somehow oscar still managed to find him funny and charming?!?? which i think is important because as much as oscar has always been characterized as chill and accepting there have been instances of him being genuinely flabbergasted and/or frustrated during his prema days which is of course also a reflection of age and natural maturity, but i still feel like specifically with lando he is SOOOOO TOLERANT of all his particularities and FOR WHATTTTTT. but also you can see during the >LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR STUPID GOATEE ON moment that this was when lando was starting to understand that oscar wouldn't bend to everything he said and could be witty and incisive (silent killer) when he wanted to be and i think this is important as well in determining the equal footing of their dynamic. tbh my favorite moment here is the entire astrology question because of lando confidently assigning oscar piscesisms when that couldn't be any further from the truth. go off king of rejecting logical reasoning
🥇 LANDO'S BIGGEST FAN INCIDENT: this is #1 to me for so many reasons aka 1) i think this was formative to landoscar taking off as a ship in general because it spanned multiple fics but also 2) this was Personally what convinced Me to actually invest in 814 ship stonks because beforehand i was like "ok clearly oscar likes lando as a teammate and lando thinks oscar is a little lame and dry (in a mildly derogatory instead of fond way) and also oscar is just an attentive listener in general so his heart eyes disposition is mildly exaggerated" but then i watched this and it rewired my brain chemistry. the way we were still skeptics in august...
this whole fanmeeting is insane for several reasons but basically it boggles my mind because the entire exchange starts from the moment oscar is DESCRIBING HOW LARGE HIS NECK HAS GOTTEN which means lando is like sitting there quietly cataloguing the size of his body while oscar gets mildly flustered by the nature of the conversation and then lando deliberately cuts in like mate i'll buy you a new shirt and you can tell you can TELLLLL he was sitting on that response making sure it read well in his head. also it's doubly insane because when oscar responds that he'll get him a smaller shirt to strangle him they're both clearly interpreting it in bad faith like "you just want to get rid of me because i'm your competition xD" but then for whatever reason lando decides to make it Exceedingly weird 5 seconds later and his VOICE LITERALLY CRACKSSSS WHEN HE SAYS HE'LL BUY HIM A SEE-THROUGH SHIRT???????? like what's all this then. why did he essentially call oscar fit. why did he default to his little fantasy of seeing Known Bad Dresser oscar piastri in a shirt detailing lando's possession of his affections. genuinely calamitous levels of embarrassing for everyone involved i don't even know what to say.
ok i'll stop but hopefully this was informative <3 i'm so sorry
edit: omg i forgot to mention this but also the iconic silverstone fan stage side-hug and lando's whole face lighting up when he realized oscar was the one initiating physical contact!!!! 😵💫😵💫😵💫
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How would you rate current is3 boss fights?
Highmore is fun, she has plenty of requirements for her map but no real demands for specific teams, making her a really good boss that can be tackled in several ways. You need to hold three lanes, one of which is a ticking time bomb, while juggling ASPD decreases and multitarget attacks. Extra long range, such as Artilleryman Snipers (like W), Fortress Defenders (like Horn) and other means of long range (like Platinum S2, Schwarz S3, Ifrit, etc), is very effective due to being able to hit her from outside her debuff ring range, while having good Stuns, elemental healing, and self-sustain is very helpful. It’s a fun fight in general.
I don't like Last Knight, I sincerely, personally heavily dislike fights in which even attacking is a huge pain in the ass. The whole "freezes you for 2/4 seconds every two attacks you land on him" just makes it so irksome and annoying that I really just don't care for the fight, even if it's properly constructed (Don Quijote only ever moves in a straight line, perfectly in character with what we know of him forever charging the ocean single-mindedly). The fight follows in the steps of Big Sad Lock in that the fight is really about the preparation, not the map in itself: If you have what you need to win, you win easily, and if you don't, you're in for a bad time. Extremely static. I personally eventually grew to like BSL, I don't think I'll ever like this fight.
Skadi, I need more time to properly construct an opinion, but I have enjoyed it the times I've done it. It's a pretty dynamic fight that follows in the steps of Mouthpiece, in which you have to take some key positions in order to prevent the boss from just getting away with their main gimmick unimpeded. The main gimmick, the boss' transformation, is pretty well done and threatening, I quite like it. I'll have more to say when I've done it more times. That third challenge is quite difficult, too.
Something I appreciate from the three bosses is their collective design centered around alternative bulk:
Highmore isn't particularly resilient (45000 x2 base HP, a mere 700 Defense baseline), but the fact that she has a wide area around her that she constantly blasts with heavy Physical+Elemental damage, and a very heavy ASPD Down aura around her makes her WAY more durable than her numbers suggest.
Last Knight has stupid bulk if you don't debuff him (Four Fucking Thousand Defense, yes, 4000, on top of 100k + 25% baseline HP), but if you do, he's left at a pretty whatever 800 Defense, BUT he's got that goofy autofreeze, so actually emptying his HP way harder than the numbers suggest.
These two are, as a trade-off, susceptible to status effects and crowd control (every single effect except Float for Highmore and Silence for both)
Finally, Skadi is predictably very sturdy even by traditional standards, boasting 90000 HP and 1200 Defense baseline. On top of that, every time she gets 120 SP (Skadi gets 1 SP per second and 25 SP every 3 seconds for each Ishar'mla's Tears without an Operator on them), Skadi transforms into Ishar'mla, switching from healing mode to attacking mode. Besides getting an absolutely massive attack range (4 tiles, 3 targets at once, True Damage), Ishar'mla switches to a different HP bar (45000 HP base, 360 DEF, 35 RES) that needs to be emptied in order to revert her back to Skadi, and be able to continue damaging her true HP bar.
I appreciate that burst is not really weakened in the slightest and is still a very important part of the strat, but you also need to be able to survive and going full glass cannon is ill advised, as these bosses have means to hang in there. I think they strike a perfect balance between needing to assemble bulk and damage in order to defeat them.
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how hard was it to set up stuff regarding economical/legal side of things for gamedev? (regirestering a company, register trademark, recieve income from steam, pay taxes, etc) i know that its country specific but i would want to hear your side of things
You're right in that it's incredibly specific to your location! I'll go over what I've had to do thus far for specifically living in Ontario, Canada; A lot of how I've gained the following insight has been from thorough Googling, looking on government resources and asking people.
Setting Up A Business
Here in Ontario we have generous small business laws, anyone making money from their own business is by default considered a "Sole Proprietorship". Normally businesses need to charge tax based on every Good or Service sold, however Sole Proprietorships don't need to do this until they reach $30k yearly profits in Ontario.
Currently I'm making maybe 5k a year from my games so I'm safe, and thus technically don't even need to register a business. The tradeoff however is that I'm legally and financially responsible for my own business, so if something happens financially or legally it's my own personal risk and not the business's.
There's a few business types here with different meanings (Partnership, LLC, Co-op, etc). Technically I should register one at some point but since it's just me and I'm broke it won't do much. To register a business in Canada isn't hard (I think it's basically just a 30 minute phone call where they give you a 'business number' for registeration and tax use and say "congrats you're a business now!). You have to come up with a unique business name which I've consistently floundered back and forth on and have never stuck to anything which is why "Dev's Games" is the best "brand" I have at the moment. Good thing I'm not registered yet!
Registering a Trademark
This also depends on your location, and I have never done this. I'm sure in many cases there is reason to if I really cared about exclusively using titles or names of things, but I honestly don't.
I also genuinely don't thinm not having a trademark as a problem! Trademarks strike me as useful for a company trying to build a big business around a name that is aleeady popular and ripe for idea theft (E.g Photoshop, Google, Adobe) and stopping others from using it. Right now, I'm so small that this doesn't matter, and I'd honestly consider someone drawing inspiration from me an honor as opposed to something I'd want to contain. Maybe if one of my titles got like SUPER viral down the road I'd seriously look into it; apparently it's a lot of paperwork and something you'd have to find a lawyer for.
Getting Payments
This is, you guessed it, just paperwork that depends on your operating location!
Established storefronts like Steam have a process for registering your account with them and when I started out this was the part of the process I was the most anxious for, but it's actually super easy (which is why there's so much shovelware on there). Steam as a baseline takes 30% of all your sales on the platform (an absolutely insane amount for what the platform does). You'll fill out some paperwork and based on your operating location to determine how much money Steam automatically sets aside for taxes (VST).
As a Canadian they take 0% because Canada-America has tax exemption treaties which make receiving payments from American companies like this tax-free.
Outside of that there's not much, you give them your bank account number and they send payments one month after month end (e.g. end of December they'll pay you for November's sales). Everything is in USD so be prepared for things to be a bit wonky in that respect, and note it costs $100 USD to add a game to Steam. Setting up store pages for your games is its own kind of busywork I won't get into here, but publishing to Steam on the whole is much more work than something like Itch.io.
All in all I like Steam's process for registering and they make it pretty easy to get onto the platform since it's in their interest to potentially make fat money off of your work for doing very little :)
Managing Income
I struggle with anxiety around finances so this part is long.
I set up my own bank account explicitly for earning/spending on my games - prior to getting laid off I only used it for that, but recently I've been having to pay rent from it now too sometimes.
Get a platform that allows you to track and categorize your expenses and income over time. I've been using Wave to balance my income and expenses, as I find it's pretty simple for my needs and lets me mark what different payments are to avoid losing secret money to things I forget about. It connects directly to your bank account, so it will be the most accurate form of income tracking.
Eventually you will buy things and forget what you bought, or receive money for something you're not sure why, or lose/receive money months after you should have. Steam and Itchio have ways of viewing your payouts and reports, but it's hard jumping through 2-3 websites trying to track down a magic number - viewing this all in one place is invaluable to your sanity and making sure you don't go broke. Having this will be a godsend to you during tax time.
Always have additional "rainy day" money set aside - when I started I put about $100 aside from each paycheque at my full time job into my business. Keep an eye on your income flow and know how much you can anticipate to spend on your work. Know how your business money relates to your personal finances and be ready to take money out of your business for emergencies, and vice versa for business emergencies. Money put aside to pay contractors is money you cannot and should not touch.
Contractors based in the US will often ask you pay them through a certain site, many of which aren't available outside the US. Don't be afraid to ask if they use something like Paypal instead. Keep extra money aside for them so you can tip. Make sure you're aware of how they expect to be paid, at what interval, and how much, and keep that money aside. And expense tracker is also helpful here.
Keep in mind most businesses operate on USD, and be mindful of how your local currency converts over. CDN is usually ~60-70% of USD, so I often have to pay more for things like subscriptions or labour then they're listed. When a contractor tells you their rates always be sure you know what currency they're talking about - sometimes I've expected to pay USD when I've had to pay AUS.
Also do not quit your dayjob. Make money through a stable employment and fund your games as a fun side hobby. Easier said than done, but there is an almost 0% chance you will be able to afford surviving off of making indie games as a full living and be afford to keep a roof over your head. I've shipped 4 games on Steam now and I only make about $100-$300 USD from sales there depending on the month. Minimum wage in Ontario is ~$25k a year, I am currently making like $5k from sales on Steam alone. Working at McDonalds would pay better.
Taxes
Taxes are very regional, so results will vary.
Usually businesses have to set aside sales taxes on goods sold. Since I'm a Sole Proprietorship in Ontario making less than 30k I don't have to. Taxes for me basically consists of saying "I made this much" to the government (good expense tracking REALLY helps here).
One thing to note is that at least here the government has NO IDEA how video games fit into business. Until recently there was no "Game Development" business type, and much of the tax reporting interface is obsessed with physical goods; it'll ask how much your "inventory" is worth, how many "goods" you have sold (games are technically "goods" even though they're not a physical thing). Basically be prepared for your tax system to be used to dealing with physical retailers and farmers, and not with digital-only software developers.
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I'm sure there's more I can cover but my hands hurt. A lot of this is researching your local laws and/or talking to devs local to your area. It's not hard to do any of this necessarily, it's just a lot of paperwork (which is nevertheless super helpful to put together). Once you learn how it all works everything is way less scary though! :)
#new record for longest post made on my phone#my thumbs hurt#asks#ask#advice#gamedev#game development#indie games#indie game#game dev#indie dev#indiegames#gamedevelopment#game design
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i swear that TIG lowkey likes terry and daniel together lmao. just from some of the things he’s said in interviews or when asked to share his thoughts…he may not know what silverrusso is but he definitely has some ideas about them. maybe even feels. and not just that, but TIG’s acting choices concerning daniel even from kk3 have been highly suspicious. it got more subtle in CK but at the same time more sensual and more powerful?? every single scene they have together is charged with this wild energy that is barely restrained. the air cackles with electricity and terry channels this into every second he has with danny boy. amazing. ridiculous. outrageous chemistry.
I read tkk3 as maniac decides to seduce young teenager as revenge for hurting his own flame, falls in love at first glimpse (forget sight! He's already intrigued by his happily dancing shadow), doubles down on the seduction since the boy is into it (God he's pretty), gets unexpectedly broken up with, beats him up twice (by proxy) because that is Not Allowed, admits defeat, goes on Massive Bender, becomes a Good Person because The Boy seems into that, truly tries to not be a maniac anymore, stops collecting young boys because I suppose his therapist conditioned him out of those behaviours with a shock collar, puts all his manic energies into Being Normal, you've never seen anyone be This Extra about Being Chill, and then he takes one look at those Baby Browns and all of that goes straight out of the window. It really feels like TIG went: "What would I be liked coked out of my mind?" But the thing is, and I say this with the deepest love and respect, I think that most people could not take enough coke to get to his baseline of energy. And yes he seems very happy to work with Ralph Macchio, but (and I know I'm not spouting a popular opinion here) Ralph seems a bit reserved? Intimidated? That's just the vibe I get. Yes, the energy is off the charts, and he calls Thomas the sweetest guy and an absolute pro but I detect some "Whoa! You're a lot, sir" 😅 there. Like, Ralph [in whatever he chooses to show us, which I know is a persona] normally makes men all bashful or helplessly aggressive because they're into him and They Shouldn't Be. And Ralph is always like "I'm just A Little Guy" while blowing the world kisses. But Thomas reacts to that [Again, who knows him really, it's all in interviews and he too is at work so it's a persona too] not with confusion but with "Hells yeah, get me some of that!" and it's the first time Ralph truly does not have the upper hand when playing the seduction card. That's how I see Silverusso in canon too. Daniel is very much into Terry but he's got such a forceful personality, Daniel is afraid he'll get swamped. And Terry can do a lot of things, but truly tone himself down is not one of them. And sure this could all be an act to play up their roles in a franchise in interviews, actors are known to do that. But that's how their dynamic reads to me.
And of course TIG knows what Silverusso is. They all know what LawRusso is, do we believe they haven't looked into other ships? He's been writing scripts for TV, of course he knows about fandom. He may have been asked not to read any for legal reasons but he clearly appreciates fandom going by his enthusiasm for fanart. Naw, man knows what's up.
#silverusso#thomas ian griffith#we should still remember both men are married#so while I acknowledge the chemistry#i am not trying to suggest they're really anything other than colleagues
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always
Tino is cheating. Has to be.
The weight sails upwards in a silvery flash that disappears as it rises higher and higher and higher into the night sky. For a split second, it looks like just another glittering star. Benji watches it lift, his mouth slipping into a scowl when he sees that it’s not stopping.
Ding!
“Rigged it.” Benji huffs immediately, taking the hammer from Tino so the older man can dramatically flex his biceps, chat shit, nudge close in Benji’s face with a daft little celebration. Tino doesn’t get like that often — wild, loose — so Benji gives him the moment. Bites back his grin because it’ll only incense him, offers a shake of his head and and an eye-roll instead. Anyone asks, he’ll lie about how hard it makes him laugh.
They’re nearly alone in the amusement park. After hours, but everything lit up like the crowd’s waiting just outside the gate. Benji has never been to a carnival or fair like this, with the games and rides and flashing lights. Being here now, despite his age, makes him giddy. Has him warm with a begrudging sense of excitement and wonder, nostalgic for something he’s never had. It’s good — even if the visit is under their usual strange circumstances. The owner had gotten in contact with Tino about some sightings. Then, some… accidents. Which, so close to the busy season, was bad for business. So he said.
The four of them had been brought in for an investigation. And Tino had urged the owner to keep the park baseline: lights on, music, sound, rides, the works. Everything needed to be as it was to be familiar for whoever (or whatever) was after-death lingering.
Privately, Benji suspects that has less to do with the integrity of the investigation, and more to do with the fact that it’s been a busy spring, and they all need a bit of a break. Privately, Benji suspects Tino might want to drain the owner’s pockets dry because of his behavior in their consultation. The waxy-mustached balding old man had that sort of skepticism that became less strict when income got involved. Condescending in the way people were when they didn’t necessarily believe. When slightly less empty coffers were more terrifying than undeath or a haunting.
Charge ‘em double, Ti, he’d murmured, gotten a swift, hush, Benj, Christ for his volume.
So the lights stay on, the rides spin and twirls and race down tracks. And when the work is done Tino takes him by the shoulders. Leads him away from Xavier and Lark where they stand side-by-side on the boardwalk. And shows him what all this shit is about.
*
Losing, he supposes. Getting absolutely crushed at every single activity Tino steers him towards.
“Games of fuckin’ chance my fuckin’ arse.” Benji hisses under his breath.
Tino takes his cigarette back, which Benji’d been holding for him while he tested his mettle.
“Nah, this one’s a game of strength. I ate my vegetables growin’ up,” Tino says, stepping away from and crossing his arms. One of his eyebrows is quirked, the corner of his mouth tugged up beneath his facial hair.
“Aw, shut up —”
“You know how hard it was, gettin’ you to eat broccoli?”
“Maybe ‘cuz you always fuckin’ boiled it,” Benji grumbles quietly, throwing the hammer back to rest on his shoulder. He glances up at the top of the meter, noodle to wimp all the way up to World’s Strongest!, in bold flashing lights.
“What was that?”
Benji grins. “Nothin’, Ti.”
He swings the hammer. As it plummets to earth, Benji has a little flash of recognition — his mind offers an image of Xavier swinging. Like how he had last week: absolutely fucking bludgeoning some twisted, summoned creature with the heavy node of silver.
His own blow lands a bit off-center. Benji knows before it even hits the pad that it’s a shit swing, that he’s distracted. But even still, that little weight ails nearly up to the bell.
“One day.” Tino chuckles, jostling him with a firm grip on his shoulder. He wags a finger. “Veggies.”
Vegetables don’t fucking help much in the next game, or the next, or the last: shooting-gallery paintball duck hunt. Benji’s a decent shot, but Tino taught him. So when the older man levels the toy rifle over his shoulder with a stiff professionalism and poise, Benji scoffs. Tino quirks an eyebrow; he’s still got that half-grin on. It’s the sort of expression that might succeed in making him a little less lonely, if only he knew how to point that smile at a person as accurately as he was with the gun at a target.
“Now hold on — “ He calls as Benji slides over the game’s counter. Benji flips all the duck targets upright, then snaps the switch that sends them into back-forth motion. All the lights in the booth flicker on, accompanied with robotic quacks and banjo-twang background music.
“That wasn’t good gun safety.” Tino admonishes. Crack! A target near Benji’s elbow snaps back with a splatter of paint.
“Neither was that,” Benji laughs, leaping back over the counter to shoulder the other rifle. “And it didn’t count.”
Crack! Crack! Crack!
“Ayup, it sure did. So did those.” Tino stops squeezing the trigger for a moment, watching Benji bring his gun up higher and settle into a proper stance. He’s hyper aware of the older man’s gaze, of being studied and assessed. He puts a better shape to his spine, line of his shoulders angled slightly away.
Is that better? Am I aiming it steady? Am I doing it right?
Benji flicks his eyes to the side, feeling small like he sometimes does. Waiting for approval, because even though he knows he’s got it from Tino, will always, he wants to hear it, too. More than just am I doing this right, Benji finds the thoughts circling the drain are: You put so much into keeping us safe, training us. Am I doing it right? If I beat you, will you be proud, or guilty for making me good at this? Am I doing this right? Have I done enough? Am I doing this right?
Crack! Crack! Benji gets two targets down in quick succession. Tino softly whoops a cheer, and claps him on the back.
“There ya go, Benj.” Tino’s hand slips away. He raises the sights again. “Gonna need those two.”
Tino pockets another victory, and Benji pockets one of the unblemished duck targets as they stride away from the galleria in equal matching steps, laughing all the way.
“You’re so mad,” Tino teases, one strong arm shaking him affectionately by the shoulders.
“Fuming.” Benji deadpans, ducking his head to hide the grin.
*
The park isn’t massive, but it’s big enough that Benji gets turned around — passes the bumper cars twice, glances longingly at them both times. Eventually he wanders towards the far side of the park, where the view opens out towards the water. The din of dozens of separate rides and games’ soundtracks fade into a hush of far-off noise. Trumpets and choppy, dreamlike synthesized buzzes and bells. As he approaches Lark at the base of the big, blinking ferris wheel, he’s picked out a pattern in all that noise and is tapping a beat against his thighs.
It pauses when he finds a comfortable spot at Lark's left side. The space feels warm, like somehow the air anticipated his presence. Like he already occupied that place. It has only been until very recently that occupying it feels…welcome. That he doesn’t need to hesitate on the approach and ask, Can I? May I? Please?, because the answer already reverberates in his skull. Always space for him.
Their elbows bump together in silent greeting when he fits against Lark, temple leaning against his firm bicep. There’s sigil on its curve that Benji added himself. Several full rotations of the ferris wheel go by before either of them speak:
“Tried to win you something.”
It makes Lark laugh, lift his arm to sling around his shoulders and pull him in for a warm, crushing hug. “Yeah? Empty handed so I guess that means you suck and Tino—”
“Tino fucking smoked me,” Benji tilts his head fall limply forward with a groan, putting all his weight back so they have to stumble together and catch his weight. Lark “Four-oh.”
"Holy shit. Embarrassing." Lark teases. He widens his eyes. "That's an old man." He grins. The sight of it, familiar and beautiful, has Benji grinning brilliant back. Has his chest light. Whatever edgy, skillet-hot sort of anxiety that had been overtaking him when he looked Lark's direction these past few months has faded. He’d be lying if there wasn’t a shred of begrudging pain, the linger of something sour. Something confusing. But now it was easier to see it for what it was. Easier to navigate the spikes of an old hurt bubbled to the surface. It could be skimmed from the top. Benji was sure of it.
“Really embarrassing.” He agrees somberly, then inclines his head towards the wheel. “Wanna watch me toss myself off the top about it?”
Lark looks between him and the ride.
"Fuck yeah."
*
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how to stop and start the ride. Benji handles the sequence of buttons while Lark situates into one of the carriages, splayed out with his legs hanging over the edge of a rickety metal window. Watching him manuever himself up — because of course Lark hadn't chosen the carriage closest to the ground, he'd performed some sort of acrobatics to haul his lithe form up the rungs, a dozen feet into the air — had made Benji feel young. Invigorated. Like they were once again getting into the sort of Tino-traumatizing mischief of their youth.
“How are you going to — holy shit! Benji!”
Lark's joyous, impressed laugh whips through the wind gracing the pier. The ride swings into motion when Benji presses the last button. Then, with Lark whooping excitedly, he stands from the control panel and takes a running start, jumping from the top of one carriage to the next. Lark shouts at him, standing from the bench as Benji's weight crashes into the side and swings the whole thing.
He supposes Lark looks pretty with his hair messy, cheeks flushed with excitement, grinning at the antics because he's a bastard little daredevil at the end of the day. But Benji feels none of those old stirrings, besides platonic appreciation.
When he rights himself, huffing from exertion as he slumps over the side, hanging on with his feet dangling as the wheel slowly lifts them up, and up.
"Sick." Lark declares. "You fucking maniac.”
He laughs, too, as he tug Benji over the edge into the carriage. And while Lark shakes him a little for the insanity, he can easily spot the hints of gleeful nostalgia in Lark too.
It was like this once. It was so fun, once. And look, here we are being little shits again. Together, again. It can still be like this. It doesn't have to be anything more.
“You know it,” he chirps, gently breathless from his own giggles. He reaches out to fix the mess of fringe on Lark's forehead, and he cups Benji's elbow in turn. It's easy, familiar, wanted affection. With a huff, Benji allows himself to be yanked across the carriage to occupy the spot next to Lark, instead of being sat across. They fit together nicely, shoulders and hips, being of the same height.
“If I didn't know you well enough," Benji says, leaning over to gaze the the far-off ground beneath them, "I'd ask if you're nervous about that distance. But I've seen you scale a fuckin' three story building to get up in somebody's window, so —"
Lark digs an elbow into his side, pink spots on his cheeks betraying the ferocity of his scowl.
Benji goes to tuck his arm around Lark's waist only to find he's trying to do the same; their knuckles bump and brush, then skirt around each other to latch tight. At the same time, the two boys pull each other closer. It leads to a jostle of limbs and quiet, biting laughter, snappy quips, kicking feet and playful shoving. And while it takes them a moment to settle, a moment for the carriage to stop swinging so hard, it's good. It's only good with Lark, only feels right exactly how it is — and nothing more. He can't stop thinking that. Nothing more. And feeling relieved at its simplicity. Friendship with Lark hasn't always been easy, but there wasn't a single moment that where the connection was anything but simple. Natural.
"All it's gotta be." Benji mumbles, head tipped back to the starry sky.
"Schizo." Lark sneers meanly. Benji nudges him for the insult, scowling. "Talking to yourself again."
Benji reaches into his jacket and retrieves a cigarette.
“I’m going to quit,” Lark mocks in his accent before he's even managed to get the thing lit.
He nudges Lark back when the end catches, gestures vaguely at the outline of the pack in his pocket.
"This is my last one, just so y'know."
"Good." “No, thanks. Good for now.” They reach to pat a pocket, and Benji knows immediately which one is the target, because they’re particular about that sort of thing. Bit or bauble to whichever pocket. That tin is always left side, interior breast pocket.
Together, they contemplate the far sea away from the pier, the glittering stars on the nighttime waves. Lark leans his temple on Benji's shoulder after a moment and sighs.
“Sucks we couldn't come here during the day. Fairs are mostly fun for the shitty food."
“Don't think my stomach's that strong, mate."
"Dunno, Benji. I've seen you put it away." Lark makes a tragic face. "Plus it has to take somebody pretty iron-stomached to crush on —" he gags dramatically. "Xavier."
"Leave 'em be."
Lark smooches the air noisily.
"D'you know what he called amusement park hot dogs? ‘Intestinal holy warfare’. Said they're a rite of passage for Americans.”
Lark snorts. “He’s speaking from personal experience. Don’t ask about that story.”
“Right. There’s a story.” Benji cringes, nose wrinkling with his own smile. “Bet its gross."
“Oh, disgusting.” Lark's hand slips up the back of his scalp then, a chaotic ruffling grip that makes him huff a laugh and lean into the touch. “This is the nicer part of it anyway.”
“Hm?”
“No crowd. No loser kids crying. Stars out.” His head tilts coyly. “No fighting.”
Benji'd slump down his chest a little but now he sits up, leans away to observe the expression that goes along with this comment. He can't parse the meaning, otherwise. Fighting. He and Xavier? Lark? Something between them that lingers, maybe has Lark?
But no — there's no further hint that its anything but a soft joke. Lark looks serene with his face turned towards the night sky, his strong jaw silhouetted by the big moon that frames him almost perfectly, like some painting.
"I'd like to take —" Lark pauses, purses his lips, brows pinched. More color goes to his cheeks. "Is this a lame date idea?"
Benji glances around. The whole ride is arctic-themed, the peak boasting a massive snow-covered mountain topped with a waving Yeti.
"Unless somebody's into slow fuckin' ferris wheels and styrofoam Bigfoots, dunno. Seems loserish to me."
"Fuck you." Lark says sweetly. "That's an abominable snowman."
“Think we should transition industries?” He jokes softly. “Ghosts to cryptids? Already got one off the list. We'd be be naturals.”
It earns him another robust laugh, Lark's chest jumping beneath his cheek.
“Shut up, Benji.”
He does. Tucks his face closer, cheek rubbing against the fabric of a shirt he's suspicious is his. He breathes in the familiar scent of him, his favorite cologne that somehow doesn't overpower. Benji gets comfortable, thinking of candles that are marketed as sleep aids -- chamomile and lavender and sage. Lark has that earthy, boyish scent. Like he's made up of all sorts of flowers and herbs to trick a brain quiet, float up into a head, touch the interior of a skull to find the off switch.
He likes when Lark's around, instead of away; his presence had lingered in Tino’s house, like someone has lit him as a candle. Like he'd been a ghost, himself. As much a spiritial part of their home as the twin height charts whittled into the doorway. They'd fight over each millimeter, because they'd grown at nearly the same rate the whole time.
The thought of that makes Benji's chest tight. And he isn't sure it's the wind that makes his eyes prick with tears.
"I missed you so fuckin' much, Lark. M'sorry it was rough there for awhile."
Lark tilts his face to kiss the top of Benji's head and pulls him closer.
"I love you, dude." Lark says, simply.
*
They go around in the wheel three more times just for the fuck of it. Blanketed in comfortable and warming silence. It’s past midnight, edging into witching hour, when they finally stumble off. Lark leans in, arm wrapped around his shoulders to guide him closer.
“Don’t disappear again.” Benji says, finding Lark's dark gaze with his own. He doesn’t add anything onto it. Doesn’t make it a warning.
Instead he pulls Lark in for a hug, pushing aside his jacket to wrap his arms around a slimmer waist waist. And they stand there a moment, holding each other — just for the fuck of it.
*
Lark sends him along to find Xavier, who has evidently wandered to the opposite end of the park. Benji finds him near the funhouse, the haunted house, laying on a bench underneath a massive sign advertising funnel cakes.
“Wishful thinking?” Benji asks as he approaches, hands tucked in his pockets. Xavier doesn’t move, doesn’t turn his head. He gets a brief moment of panic, thinking maybe he’s fucked up in some way. That maybe Xavier was a bit sore from being left alone. Not that he couldn’t be alone, that he wasn’t strong enough; Benji just know it’s nasty fearing solitude when it used to be a comfort.
When he gets nearer, the cords dangling from Xavier’s ears, tangled in red hair, become obvious. Benji breathes a sigh of relief and moves as slowly but as obviously as he can manage into Xavier’s field of vision. The taller man jolts anyway, legs kicking out and hand clutched to his chest as he springs upright at the waist.
“Fucking hell, Benji,” he says with a gasp, yanking the earbuds out. Some thumping techno fizzes from their speakers before he taps his screen. “Scared me.”
“Gathered.” Benji snickers, sitting and sliding down the bench towards him. They press together from knee to hip, and Xavier seems to relax somewhat. Makes him warm in the chest to feel that — whether touch or Benji, it’s doesn’t matter. He relaxes.
Think I’ve been fucking stupid, isn’t all that he thinks when as turns his head to look at Xavier, but it’s the thought he’s least afraid to acknowledge. I think I have been so fucking stupid.
“Fun night?”
Benji shrugs. “Minus a bruised ego? Yeah, it was… good. Really good. What about you?”
Xavier’s eyes glint teasingly. “Just been chilling. I’m not the one dumb enough to go up against the old man, so I’m not bruised whatsoever.”
“I’m telling him you called him old.”
Pale cheeks flush. “Oh, fuck. Don’t.”
Benji leans forward and lifts the edge of the other man’s shirt, tapping a gentle knuckle quickly against a red spot blooming on his side before Xavier yelps and jerks away.
“Hm. No bruise? So getting manhandled by some poltergeist…”
“Dude, do not say it like that. I’ll have weird dreams.”
It startles a loud crack of a laugh from him. “You’re daft,” Benji huffs affectionately, wiping a hand over his mouth. Hiding how wide the grin that splits his face becomes, at least until he can cool it into something more appropriately tepid.
Xavier looks at him a long moment before blinking several times. Clearing his throat, he tosses his head towards the funhouse.
“I’ve been debating on going in.” He bats his eyes. “But… too scared to do it alone.”
Already rising from the bench, Benji offers: “S’for little kids, mate.”
Ten long fingers wiggle at him. “Ages thirteen and up, Benji. And up.”
*
Benji’s never been in a haunted house. He figures it’s a little more effective when all the costumed actors are there, ready to jump from a corner or burst out between two buffeting red corn syrup stained curtains.
Still, it’s suitably dark and the atmosphere is…remarkably detailed for such a dinky place.
“I mean, people that do these things are passionate,” Xavier replies after Benji notes how realistic the severed heads seem. “I watched this documentary — well, it was a video essay on YouTube, and listen those are usually fucking boring. Like, zzz, snore. Put me to sleep boring. But this one was good, it was about haunted houses and…”
Benji’s been walking ahead; when Xavier begins to elaborate, he slows and falls back entirely. Tilts his head up, watches Xavier gesture and emote about the topic under the flashing strobes. Over the speakers, the soundtrack of eerie rattling chains, screams, and stereotypical horror noises filters out entirely. Narrows.
They walk down corridors and climb stairs and turn dark corners together. All the while Xavier talks and talks, eyes bright and cheeks pink from the exertion, the excitement. Benji doesn’t startle at the next five jumpscares: cracks of lightning, panels that spring from walls with scary faces, a motor-activated rattling table at a seance scene. He’s too focused.
“You are fucking calm dude,” Xavier says from behind him. His narration has dropped off in terror. Benji turns, feeling hand that has cupped anxiously around his elbow slip away. He wishes it would stay. “How haven’t you even twitched once?”
Benji looks at him. Really fucking looks at him. Xavier’s eyes are still brightly, giddily focused. A little nervous now, wide thanks to the last few gory scenes, hair messy from going through fake meat-cooler flaps and slaughterhouse intestine drapery. Dry ice smoke billows around them, reflecting the flashing strobes up on his face.
I’ve never hated anyone before. Thought that was what it was. I genuinely really thought I hated you for a bit there. Couldn’t hate you, Xavier. Hate is absolutely, absurdly distant now — but the intensity remains.
Benji smiles at him. Honestly, he admits: “I was listening to you talk. Kept me distracted.”
On the next flicker of light, Xavier’s cheeks are noticeably pink.
*
“That was not for fucking kids,” he wheezes, stumbling out the final door. “Jesus Christ, is your heart beating this hard too?’
Yeah, of fucking course. Benji shakes his head, looking forward. “Last room.”
The sign above the hall reads: Hall of Reflection. Benji peers in the door and then turns around to Xavier. He keeps his face carefully neutral, masking the note of concern as best he can; Xavier hates feeling as if he’s being spoken down to, hates condescension. He can imagine how easy it would be for his furrowed brow and frown to be read as aw, poor traumatized little thing, can you handle it?
Xavier looks at him for a moment and then moves to the door, wrenching it open. There is a long, lingering beat of silence.
“I want to.” He says quietly, staring straight ahead. “I don’t know if I can. I want to.”
Benji bites his lip around his immediate responses. You don’t have to. You have nothing to prove to anyone. It’s okay to tap out. It’s okay to be scared, after all that. Don’t push yourself.
“Want me to incentivize you?”
Xavier perks up a little, his shoulders going straight. He turns to Benji slowly with eyebrows hitched suggestive and high. “Depends. You saying I get a prize?”
“Up to you, mate.” Benji laughs affectionately, head dipping. He’s strangely shy. “Honestly, I was planning on giving it to you either way.” He sobers a bit, smile drooping. “Really though. Up to you.”
He waves a hand: be right here regardless. Space made, warmed to welcome.
Xavier’s eyes are unwavering from his before he glances away, eyes snapping to the entrance. His lip tucks into his teeth, and Benji takes a shuddering breath.
“That’s just kind of cliché, isn’t it?” He finally says, gesturing with both arms. “Be a fucking scaredy cat, Wolffe, or face your fears.”
Benji says nothing. Lets him come to the decision first. It arrives visually across his face — or maybe Benji just admires him too closely. A set to his jaw, a glint of determination in eyes like the forest, his brow slightly furrowed.
Xavier nods once, so Benji does too. Then he’s pulled, pale fingers around his wrist, into the vertigo and paranoia inducing mirror maze.
*
It’s slow going at first. Xavier’s confidence seems to crash to the ground the second the reflective door shuts behind them. Benji understands that it’s simply a square room, but it seems to go on forever. Hundreds of angles repeated. The two of them stand side by side in a few; occasionally they’re broken down the center by a corner or illusionary barrier, occasionally they’re separated entirely.
Benji’s eyes bounce over dozens of thems as his hand slips across the space between their bodies. At first, their gloved fingers catch together. All the Xaviers turn — in varying directions, wobbling with light and reflection — to look at the pair of hands.
“Okay?”
Xavier makes a face, which Benji tries incredibly hard not to take personally. It’s especially difficult when Xavier shakes his grip away. But he only levels with Benji’s gaze as he bite off his gloves, balls them up, and then holds them out. Wordless, Benji takes the bundle. Tucks Xavier’s gloves into his jacket pocket, and then peels his own off to join them. They blink at each other.
Xavier holds his hand out again, worrying his lip and pink in the cheeks. “Will be if you hold my hand.”
Always space, he thinks. Benji slides their palms together and laughs. Laughs loud — to fucking loud. The noise echoes off the mirrors, visuals and audio doubled in a way that makes Benji dizzy. Always.
*
At the end of the maze, Benji reaches into his jacket. His cheeks feel warm as he silently hands the duck target over, avoiding eye contact with Xavier as it passes hands. Quiet night air moves between them, vaguely wet from the water so close, the humid almost-summer night. The breeze feels nice, so Benji tips his chin up. Chases the cool touch to his slick feeling, probably sweaty neck. Xavier is already looking at him.
“This is kind of a shit prize,” he teases. Benji watches his thumb rub over a dent in the duck’s wing, focus drifting up to settle on the sweet curve of his pink mouth before moving higher. Hi, Xavier’s gaze says. Thanks, louder. And something else under the gratitude, the loudest yet —
They both smile.
“That’s fucking cheeky, judging a sincere gift.” Benji teases back. He sways closer, booted foot kicking out to catch Xavier softly on the shin. Xavier tucks the target into his pocket and then refocuses on him with a new intensity.
Well, no. Not new.
Benji understands now that he’s seen that look before. Picks it out because it makes a pattern, doesn’t it? Not an ignorable coincidence. Pattern in the background noise — a beat.
Xavier freezes, because Benji doesn’t stop moving. He gets as close as they’ve ever been, at least under normal circumstances. Last time Xavier was this near to him, touching, it wasn’t his choice. Benji gives him time for it to be now. Moves slow, savors the breeze, the slow expansion of his pupils. They shine with all the colors of the flashing lights on the pier, flickers of orange, blue, red, orange, blue, red. Pattern.
When Xavier doesn’t drift away, Benji flattens a hand over his chest. Keeps the touch soft but there, firm, present. Stays there a moment, steady beat against the heel, It settles around the back of his neck, fingers pressing insistently into the gooseflesh-rippled skin. Xavier bends slightly, his own touch coming to rest at either of Benji’s hips. A sigh breaths out against his mouth, which lifts in a soft smile.
“Another prize?”
“Nah, not a prize.” Benji whispers, lifting up on his toes to wind an arm around Xavier’s shoulders. “I want this.”
The kiss is brief. The first kiss is brief, anyway. Just a simple press of their mouths, close-lipped. Benji’s sharp breath in does it. Or Benji’s other hand coming up to wind into Xavier’s hair, cup the back of his head. Maybe it’s also the noise Xavier makes when they part, maybe also how he tugs Benji’s body towards him so hard, Benji stumbles. It becomes the first and the second and third and more, again, yes.
It’s everything, he realizes. All that everything pouring out, pouring into it. Slow feels impossible. Brief feels even further out of reach. They part and come back together hungrily, messily, over and over and over. Benji tastes the salty air off that mouth, licks at it until the only taste left is him. And it’s mutual, it’s even ground, it’s the two of them collapsing together, burning, taking the whole fucking forest up in smoke.
Benji laughs into the next meld of their mouths. His face feels like it’s on fire, cupped within Xavier’s warm, slightly clammy hands. He laughs because of that, because it’s so fucking cute, the idea that —
“Were you nervous?” He asks, going back flat to his feet. It brings him out of range. Judging from the whine from Xavier, the way he dives in to press a kiss to his jaw, his neck, that’s absolutely unacceptable.
“Was I— fucking nervous —” Xavier laughs between kisses, adjusting the cradling grip his hands on Benji’s face. He’s grinning, mouth red from the press of Benji’s, from lips and tongues and teeth. His cheeks are creasing cutely, in that boyish way that makes Benji insane, that makes the wild, toothy grin look somehow sweet. Benji can’t help a chuckle of his own, chest light from the nerves and adrenaline, from standing so close, from finally fucking being held, being touched, touching. And somehow the air is cold around him, cold as he sucks in great lungfuls to laugh, to clutch at Xavier and accept more wild pecks.
“Can I have my gloves back?” Xavier says roughly, after a moment, swallowing a little hiccup.
Benji could let go of him, could reach into his pocket and hand them over. Instead he shakes his head, nose brushing over Xavier’s freckled cheek. His hand lifts to cover Xavier’s bigger one where it holds his jaw. He tucks their fingers together.
“This instead?” He doesn’t have to ask — there’s warmth there, in the spaces of their fingers. Like it was waiting.
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Mmmmm
I'm having a good time working on this commission, but i don't know whether i should take that as a sign that i should loosen the gates a bit and be open to accepting more commissions in a more official capacity instead of just telling everyone who asks 'yeah sometimes'
There's a feeeew.. factors at play here.. that just.. idk i'm cautious about my proverbial eyes being bigger than my proverbial stomach y'know?
Like.. I'm slow.. as an artist? My speed can vary certainly but if you want anything done Nicely i'm a bit of a snail... It can take me WEEKS to get something done if my hands+mind aren't cooperating, or if i get in one of those loops where i just don't have Time for anything.. sometimes it's a reasonable slowness and sometimes it's like... A Bit Much and I know people can be patient but it's not necissarily something i would want to Risk
I also know that i have a Lot of personal projects i want to get done and i don't want to take up all my limited working time doing commissions and sideling everything i'm working on otherwise, cause that's the fastest route to me burning out and falling away from art.. there's a Reason i have ended up casting aside any ideas about working in animation or game development, hell, even traditional publishing to a degree or traditional freelance, because art for me is by and large about getting whats in my head Out of my head, not the act of creating itself...
Which makes it kinda feel like commissions are something i should do.. once i'm already a full time artist for myself and have the time to split? Which seems counterintuitive....
As it stands though i have to scrape out my art time out around my day job and life needs and what i'm able to scrape is sacred and limited. i just don't work fast enough to make the most of it.. particularly if i'm handelling a queue of folks and not just one or two people on special request... It just wouldn't be good for me or my potential clients
which is kinda a TL:DR of my concerns i guess...
But on the flip side.. money for my work is.. Nice.. making people happy with my art is Really Nice (i just think about how i feel about my commission from Lucy and it's like AH! I wanna do that for people, and people seem to want it!)
if we face another lockdown it would be reeeeal helpful if i can't get back on EI or if they've changed the system, and i'm going to be making a job transition soon hopefully and maybe that will lessen the burden of my Time Problems, and it would help cover that transition period if anything gets Loopy.. plus the experience is good! In a professional capacity..
And it might be fun who knows! I have more of a.. Niche now, there's definitely stuff people Want Me Specifically For (okay "stuff" it's heisenberg.. probably.. but i'm happy to oblige! I work best when i'm invested in the things i'm working on, which was a problem last time around) it could be a good experience to branch out a lil, take in other ideas, not have to come up with everything and still draw excellent picture of the metal husband and/or other people's OCs! Or the other lords! Or whatever people want really! It's got the potential to be enjoyable!
I've grown a lot since the last time i tried to open commissions, and so idk maybe it would be different! But I don't want to let these lofty ideas get into my head for something that just may not be realistic for me... GAH
Hhhhh....
They'll stay on an ask-and-see-if-i'm-available status for now.. and of course those who've already approached me take precident when they want somethin', but i'll keep thinking about it..
Who knows! Maybe like most things that happen to me, I won't get to make the choice and i'll be forced into a position where i Have to open them!
#monster noises#my limited time i think is the root of all my concerns#if i wasn't so constrained by that i think i'd be way more open to putting out the word publically#still don't think i could handle a queue any larger than 3 people at once thought#even THAT feels iffy#and not that i think That Many people would be interested#it's just that.. enough Have been over the last few months to get the wheels turning#it always feels like the highest compliment to get those asks.... like holy shit! people want to put down Money? for MY art??????#like.. wow....#pricing too.. i'm just now thinking.. would be an issues#i know what i'be quoted to people is Way undercharging myself#(especially because i mainly do traditional commissions which can be much more labour intensive and challenging#but are easier for me to focus on)#but i absolutely do not know how/what to charge to get a good baseline of Reasonable but Afforable#like what are Most people willing to spend on (continuing yo make the assumption about subject matter here) fanart?#admittedly special and often personal fan art granted but None The Less#what would they pay? what can they on average afford?#i know what I would pay (the answer it Quiet a Bit - I love supporting artists) but i'm not a good means measurement for Anything#how do i deal with shipping???!!?!#there's so many questions @~@
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absolutely adoring your Konrad takes
Hahaha oh BOY im gonna use this as an excuse to babble about my favorite murder hobbo and sexuality.
I Love Konrad. I adore him. He's 100% my fav. I love him, and his sons, and his horribly shitty bat armour. God they are so ugly it goes right back to being funny.
I know that this is warhammer and that people care more about "where are the ammo clip" than the deep psychology of your fav, but shit, i do, and I have some THOUGHT.
Konrad grew up alone. He never had anyone actually care for him as a child. He was a homeless, nameless orphan, eating rats and corpse. He only survived by virtue of being a primarch full of instinct. If kids aren't properly socialised in early childhood, it develop a TON of issues for them (*Pointed look at Lion in the corner*). Anyway, at least Konrad had exposure to humans around him. The problem was, it was the happy fun criminals of Nostramo. I know a lot of people go "he was a primarch, he could probably take them when he was 4", but I call bullshit. In part because, at that early age, he probably craved human contact desperately. Babys are trusting. They *want* to be loved. That's how humans work.
What im getting at, is that Konrad was definitely, 100%, irrevocably, abused by criminals as a very young child. In the very bad no no way. That kind of abuse is also what probably lead to his mind splitting in with the Night Haunter, because Did is mostly caused by extreme abuse in early childhood. Poor Konrad, who was never touched of loved, and when it finally happen, it's only to brake and hurt him.
Now all that is fun, but as an adult, how does that bombs of trauma translate??? Weeeeell~! It's a mess!! On one hand, you have Konrad, who DO wants to do good. Yes, I know we always think of him as our favorite murder hobo who roll around in guts, but like. He wanted Justice. He wanted peace. He wanted people to be SAFE. Isn't that noble as fuck?? Doesn't that seem to you like the crooked wish of a survivor wanting others to never have to endure what he went through?? I think that, because of those facts, his baseline is being sex repulsed. He has just seen/experienced so much abuse and disgusting things, sex means nothing to him anymore. It's a power thing and he has no desire for it.
Than big E show up and goes "HEY LET'S WEAPONIZED YOUR TRAUMA SON" because he's a bastard.
And he has to be violent. And dangerous. And also discover a new world beyond the star, were some people actually love each others and are nice. He has to deal with motherfucking Fulgrim, who hug him and call him little brother and smile at him and very clearly sleep around and fully enjoy it, no pain at all. Poor Konrad. He cannot handle this at all. And ofc, the only person who realise this is Good ol' madlad Sevatar, aka "best fucking character in 40k, I accept no one else". Sevatar has a lot of similar trauma than Konrad, but instead of wanting to destroy any potential abuser or trigger, he just roll around in it and decide that you can't be traumatized if you never ever think about it. Charge ahead ayooo.
So ofc Sevatar get to Konrad, see him upset because his boss/dad walked in of Fulgrim enjoying heads or something, and goes "lmao I can suck u off too" wich probably earn him a beating. Except he take it sexually, wich weird out Konrad even more. Then he still probably still get sucked, because Sevatar aint a quitter.
And that's how the weirdest relationship ever in 40k start. Sometime Konrad wants to punish. Sometime he wants to be punished. He wants to hurt and then he wants to BE hurt the only person that seem to fully get it it is Sevatar, who happily and loudly goes along with everything. They show up the next day both looking like they had a fight with cave bear and missing some chunk of meat, and Konrad may not be saner, but at least he's getting some. It's 100% not romantic, he does not do that, he doesn't understand that. Sevatar like to jokingly call him "Daddy" if someone ask. He get punched into the face every time.
That's basically it! Wow that's a lot of ramble. Well, ok, he also probably after had a fling with Fulgrim, because everyone has, and probably slept with Dorn a few times before it became too weird. And there is the entire ~Thing~ with Vulkan but that's like, another giant rambly post entirely.
#imma smash that#konrad curze#sevatar#jago sevatarion#fuck his name is so stupid jago wtf#when your trauma make you hyper and a risk taker you see the big boss and go#warhammer 40k#warhammer#wh40k
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Ring Analysis Part 1: Synchronizing— How It Works and What It Tells Us About Ring
...As well as the world he lives in. Our buddy Ring may explain very little about himself, but he doesn’t need to if you’re paying—obsessive—attention to detail.
(Gameplay spoilers up to World 20 under the cut.)
For a mechanic that’s important enough to merit a cutscene, and then goes on to envelop every part of the game, “synchronizing” gets a handful of lines before it’s never explicitly brought up again.
So let’s go over this scene.
“Synchronizing” is, at first glance, a simple exchange of traits. That’s not entirely wrong. Trainee does physically take on characteristics specific to Ring, like the flaming hair, and Ring does gain access to her heartbeat reading, sort of like a living stethoscope.
But what syncing actually is, is a symbiotic relationship. It’s both participants “recalibrating” themselves to the other as best as each of them are able. For a flesh-and-blood partner that’s not built for syncing, this means physically changing to become something a little closer to Ring. (More on that later.) For Ring, a magical being designed with the extra sensory input in mind, it invisibly grants him access to the other’s most invaluable resource: their exercise energy.
Like synchronizing, “exercise energy” is another lovely concept that was mentioned once and then never again. So much so that I’ve been accidentally calling it “fitness energy” for weeks and am still trying to correct my reflexes.
But exercise energy is everything. If all it takes is a simple read of a heartbeat to jumpstart a sync bond, exercise energy is the glue that cements it together. Because Ring and Trainee don’t stop being synced whenever they’re not physically touching. They separate all the time. They can put a little distance between themselves and still be at the height of synchronization, even. But let’s take a step back for a moment, and talk about that “physically changing to become something a little closer to Ring” aspect.
Say that Trainee is doing a leg move at peak performance. Her hair is flaring up. Her legs are glowing that same yellowish hue—because they’re full of exercise energy. That’s what that is. That’s what it must be. It’s what Ring himself is partially made of, seeing as the same stuff flows through his veinlike tubes.
Seriously. Look at this. It’s the same goddamn color.
I can’t understate how incredibly important exercise energy is. To synchronizing, to Ring, and to literally everything else.
Exercise energy is a type of life energy. In the world of Ring Fit, it’s in everything, everywhere—in varying levels of purity and concentration. When Trainee is performing a fit skill, she almost seems to absorb a mystical...something... from the open air around her, as she charges up a skill. Thin lines of light streak towards her as she lights up, not away. See for yourself.
Trainee isn’t a normal inhabitant of “Planet Fitness.” She doesn’t know how to manipulate exercise energy very well on her own. It looks like being synced with Ring has made her somewhat biologically closer to being made of exercise energy herself, and with that? The slight ability to absorb it from the air around her. It’s a really small thing, likely just a tiny boost of power she’s drawing in from her surroundings (and returning right back after a move is complete). But it’s there. It’s visibly happening.
With one exception, this doesn’t occur outside of a fit battle. And that makes sense. A fit skill taking more energy than an air blast is very reasonable. Those crates littering the place are a lot less hardy than...whatever you would classify Monsters as.
I mentioned an exception. Here it is:
Victory posing is such an odd little tradition, isn’t it? It’s unskippable; Ring always insists on it. And at first glance, his instructions are weird. “Pull in energy from the ground” sounds a bit like nonsense...except in this shot, Trainee is actually standing on a glowing platform full of Exercise Energy. (Yes, that’s what that is.) The moment she’s done charging her squat power, thin lines of light streak upwards— some into Trainee. And when she raises her arms, she expels all that excess energy into the open air. You can watch the process here.
And that’s where most of the EXP from victory posing comes from—from the well of exercise energy humming beneath her feet.
Exercise energy is life energy in constant motion. It’s created (for a lack of a better word) constantly as the body moves and burns calories. It’s also expelled constantly, and this is most visible when Trainee works out. It is not, under any circumstances, meant to be trapped in the body forever. But the act of having possessed any of it at all gives Trainee EXP, a byproduct, which can be kept forever.
———
Ring says in the initial cutscene, “The more you exercise, the more synchronized we’ll be!”
The more Trainee exercises, the more exercise energy her body holds at time. The more exercise energy she holds, the more alike she and Ring are in that very moment. The more alike they are—the more in sync they are.
———
The two way connection created by synchronizing is closer to a metaphysical fusion of both participants than a simple trade off. Ring’s powers are (almost but not quite) Trainee’s powers. Trainee’s body is (almost but not quite) Ring’s body. It’s both easy and hard to see where one’s work stops and the other’s begins. So let’s lay down some quick facts.
One! In terms of powers—everything Ring and Trainee can do together, Ring can do alone. It’ll be weaker. But he can do it. He’s got his own supply of exercise energy and he’s a master at manipulating it. Ring is not helpless; you are.
Two! The glowing limbs you fight with in a fit battle belong to Ring—not Trainee. Here are even some screen caps of Ring vaguely referring to them both. (It’s even in all-important blue text.)
Three! Ring is always actively contributing to your fit battles. He is never just counting reps or giving tips. As Trainee charges up a fit skill, Ring is constantly channeling the resulting energy into powering up his battle constructs. He is actively aiming said constructs for you, always.
In the case of specific fit skills, where Ring’s battle constructs immediately appear as buff as can be—it’s because Trainee is helping. A lot of what these instances have in common is the fact that the fit skills in question are less... involved?
Imagine being Trainee, and trying to keep a good aim on the enemy as you do the Mountain Climber move. (Or even squats. I do too many of those and I start disconnecting from reality.) The Ring Raise move, on the other hand, is gentler and gives Trainee a clear, unobstructed view of the enemy throughout the whole exercise. It gives her the wiggle room to try her hand at manipulating her own exercise energy directly.
With Ring and Trainee working together, the charge-up effect is therefore instantaneous.
Four! Canonically, despite the two of them being synced, Ring can shut off Trainee’s access to his powers at any time. That’s because, for them to work in the first place, Ring must be consciously activating them. In some animations at the start of a course, Trainee stretches by pulling on him at both ends. This should summon a suction vortex. But it doesn’t. Because Ring knows Trainee is just doing a pre-run stretch.
It explains why you can’t summon a Mega Ab Guard whenever you feel like it; only when Ring suggests it. Or why you can’t just suck up tokens in mini games like Dreadmill (Ring is too honest to help you cheat). Yes, it’s a game mechanic thing. But it’s a mechanic that Ring canonically controls. Trainee absolutely cannot use any of his abilities without his explicit consent. And that’s probably why she hasn’t accidentally killed somebody in combat yet—Ring is super careful. (He’s a professional, you know.)
———
Now that we have a better understanding of what exercise energy is and a better grasp on how Ring works—let’s circle back one more time to that “physically changing to become something a little closer to Ring” aspect. Because there’s one last insane thing we skipped over.
Trainee is initially the baseline in our understanding of what exercise energy looks like in a human being. Her yellow-orange flames are our constant companion—and therefore we get misled, because Trainee is an outlier. She is synced to Ring, and Ring is extraordinary. So she’s not a good example of the average person.
But in this case, despite being a literal master, Guru Andma is.
Guru Andma, “the balance master,” is the only other human character we see using attacks consisting of all three muscle groups. Her fight is a wealth of knowledge in of itself. When she flexes her arms, they fill with RED energy. When she flexes her abdomen, it fills with YELLOW energy. When she flexes her leg, it fills with BLUE energy. This is the standard for human beings. This is normal.
What this implies then, is that synchronizing with Ring has overwritten Trainee’s original energy signature. Ring’s energy is decidedly NOT human. It’s not even fit-skill yellow; it looks close, but it’s really something else entirely.
Ring of course can convert Trainee’s energy into traditional reds, yellows, and blues for a fight. (Or at least, he can fake it if he doesn’t have his Color Coding ability. He once mimicked the flames of Dark Influence early on in the game; some superficial color editing is not above him.)
But yeah. Trainee’s energy is now definitely abnormal.
And yet the process didn’t seem to put her in any physical pain? I really doubt Ring would have sprung that on her if it did. (I mean, he still should have asked for permission first.) I’d wager the effects of syncing, as deep as are, aren’t permanent once the bond is dissolved. What Ring is doing—“synchronizing”—is somehow, simultaneously, extremely mystical and yet completely natural.
———
Last segment, before I let you go.
For a long time, I wondered: what are the prerequisites, that denote syncing potential? Not impressive muscles, I’m sure; it’s heavily implied Dragaux once synced with Ring, and he was infamously skinny. Could the general attitude of a person play a role, if Ring’s energy is pure positive exercise energy? Or could it be genetic? Maybe even entirely random?
I wasn’t sure until I fought the four masters, and especially after fighting Guru Andma.
I’ll bet you anything that there’s something inherently flexible about Trainee, for a human. Something more malleable, and therefore more amenable to undergoing the dramatic changes of a sync bond. And I’ll bet you further that it has something to do with the fact that Trainee had zero previous experience wielding exercise energy at the start of the game.
Because Ring tells Trainee she has potential right after identifying that she’s new.
(The less developed a person is initially, the easier it could be to sync with Ring. Whereas a person with more intensive training would be incompatible.)
And if you’re still convinced that Ring was just impressed with her muscles—please remember that Ring is not human, and does not experience life through the same lens. It’s implied he can “see” energy with more than just his eyes. It’s how you can drop him in a new temple in an unfamiliar land and he’ll still be able to tell Trainee when she’s close to the finish line. (He forgot what static stretching was that one time. He does not have these floor plans memorized.) To him, those glowing wells at the end are like straight up beacons.
He was absolutely examining her energy.
———
To Ring, syncing probably isn’t worth writing an entire essay about. It’s natural to him, instinctive. It’s Ring making a promise to watch over someone, and to have their back as they will have his.
And I think that’s beautiful. Frustrating to my curiosity, but beautiful.
———
TLDR; Synchronizing is a metaphysical bond sustained through Exercise Energy, a substance mentioned once in World 1 that encompasses the whole game. It exists everywhere in everything, in different variations of intensity and purity. Ring especially is partially made of exercise energy. It’s the glowing stuff in his tubes. There’s more, but that’s the gist of it.
DISCLAIMER: This is for fun! I just wanted to try my hand at explaining how the magical sentient Pilates ring works. I feel pretty strongly about my conclusions, but I’ll go back and edit this if/when/where applicable. Thank you for reading.
———
EDIT (June 20, 2021): Updated header image. Also added a link to Ring mimicking DI.
EDIT (August 12, 2021): Added links to part 2 and 3.
———
RING ANALYSIS
Part 1: Synchronizing— How it Works and What It Tells Us About Ring
Part 2: Ring’s Powers—And What They All Have In Common
Part 3: Ring’s Biology and Possible Origins
#ring fit adventure#ring fit adventure spoilers#ring#ring fit trainee#pizzazz post#pizzazz meta#also some outfit spoilers I guess beyond world 20? idk. if it bugs you.#honestly still don’t regret giving myself a deadline. Bc yeesh if I didn’t get this out now I’ll never be free of it#if ring were real I probably would strangle him#this is basically me answering some questions that I’ve always had
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Alright alright alright alright it's tiiiiiiime. Always wanted to rank the super powers in KnB so now imma do that.
Disclaimer, this won't be about the characters themselves or their attributes, strictly just the skills. If I rank a players skill above another that doesn't necessarily mean I think X character is stronger than Y character or anything this is just signature skill. Also i have watched KnB at least 8 times, and the movie at least three times so if I mess up someone's ability roast me I deserve it.
Now enough nonsense let's do it
#8 Kagami's Super Jumps
Okay don't get me wrong dunking is the coolest move in basketball, but kagami had so many cooler areas of his game that turning him into a dunk beast by the end of the series really takes away his amazing style. Also he says he wants to fight in the air and midorima points out "it doesn't matter how high you jump I know where you're coming and what you're doing" like super hops are great and all but he should've used it for enhancing his other moves.
(Meteor Jam is sick as hell though, ngl)
#7 Aomine Daiki's Formless Shot
Okay, this ability is not bad. It's low mostly because Aomine doesn't use it/need it. He's shown to be so powerful that this is kinda just him fucking around to troll his opponents, which don't get me wrong style points are real, but this is for sure aomine's weakest ability
However it is sooooo deadly, it's powerful but Formless Shot vs. Forced Zone Activation? Yeah don't lie you know which one is way scarier.
#6 Murasakibara Perfect Defense.
Yeah that's right defense is fucking sick. You wish you could defend half as nice as murasakibara. This dude literally fought an uncrowned king, the phantom sixth man, and a runner up generation of miracles candidate on his own at the same time. And only lost to some invisible shots. He covers EVERYTHING!!! if you don't got that DEEP deep range you do not get to play. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, say hello to dikembe mutombo on your way to the bench.
#5 all the dojutsu, yeah that's right I'm naming all the eyes (Emperors, Eagle, Hawk, whatever Nash had) dojutsu. In fact I'm naming Emperors eye Byaku-Shar-Rinne-gan and you cannot stop me. And even though the eye tier list is easy to figure out, the ability to see the whole court is fantastic and any point guard with that level of awareness is deadly. The secondary abilities granted I count as skills not as baseline super powers, i.e. killer handles from akashi (which Kise uses), or seeing a perfect back tip steal opportunity with eagle eye so those aren't on the list. And I think each eye is strong enough to warrant putting them all together here
Now to break the established rule
#4 Kuroko's Phantom series AND God Passes
Yeah that's right, I'm putting techniques in a list I specifically made to not talk about techniques, bite me. Ignite series is top tier, misdirection and misdirection overflow are god tier (yeah so he can use it once, big deal, it's still god tier) and the phantom series are just too fun. If I had to pick one ability from kuroko though for this list purpose, his misdirection is his ability. Yeah it can't be spammed and without it he's nearly useless but ill take a player who can take charges and force opposing players into foul trouble over a ball hog any day.
#3 Midorima Shintaro - High Arcing Three
Okay here's the thing Midorima Shintaro High Arcing Three is a dumb name and I'm mad that I'm placing it this high up on the list but. Objectively. 3>2. So yeah, take your spot with pride green boy. Yeah that's right, I think it's a neat ability but I didn't think it should be this high up, until you sit down and realize yeah cool your sick ass hops and your full paint and midrange defense and your handles are all well and good. But you're getting two points while I get three from anywhere. And don't lie seeing that mid air catch and shoot was the absolute SICKEST thing ever. Akashi liked it so much he straight up STOLE it. Sure dunks are hype but that is the most SKILLFUL thing ever shown. Now to the toppest of top tiers.
#3 Aomine Daiki Forced Zone Activation
Golly Gee Willickers Dai-chan how come your mom let's you have two basketball superpowers. Okay I hate to say it Zone is cool but it sucks that it becomes pretty much required by the end of the series to stay relevant. That being said, Aomine can activate it whenever and that's insane. If Aomine continued training, you realize he'd be nearly if not entirely unstoppable except by arguably only one character in the series
Two if you think Akashi with his eyes could beat Aomine (yeah he beat Kagami's zone, but Akashi even considered Aomine the strongest at teiko, so if aomine stayed serious he'd be even more of an untouchable monster)
#2 Shogo Haizaki - Steal
Okay okay okay okay okay, yes. Technically I'm putting kise twice. Honestly steal is to copy what red eyes is to blue eyes in yugioh. Steal has so much POTENTIAL to be the strongest ability in the entire show. Being able to take the opponents moves away would cripple many players. If Haizaki trained hard he may have even discovered perfect Steal so he could stop the Generation of Miracles techniques, the only two who wouldn't have an issue would be aomine (because technically Formless shot can't really be stolen, he can just do a Formless shot from a different form and just yeah) and Kise (I think kise had more techniques in his toolbox, and that he was too scared to try those moves against haizaki because he was nervous at seeing Steal for the first time). Steal is busted but it has nothing against number one.
#1 Kise Ryota's Copy and PERFECT COPY
Copy is actually insane, while he can't shut down the ability to use a move like Haizaki, being able to do your move but better is probably just as good. Yeah you can use that dunk on me, and yeah you might know how to defend against your move, but im faster stronger and smarter than you. Kise literally just "I am Kakashi of the Sharingan I know 10000 jutsu" nah son I'm Kise Ryota of the musically gifted (love eagleburger) and I know all the basketball moves.
And PERFECT COPY, duuuuuude if you don't think perfect COPY is the best ability in KnB you're actually just not smart. When Kise with perfect copy was THE ACE on a team MADE OF ALL THE ACES, yeah you just straight up win with that ability. Also kise didn't even use it to its max ability, yeah he copies the generation of miracles but they say that he removes the limits of his normal copy so now he can copy anybody. Yeah it takes a huge toll on his body but kise could copy NBA players (likely for even less time than normal perfect copy) if he really wanted to. So yeah, Kise is dumb strong.
That's it, that's my list. Bye.
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Luz SMASH!! (Just Kidding!) An Owl House AU Idea!
Hello all, this here is an AU Crossover Idea for, you guessed it, the Owl House! This idea crosses the Marvel Universe with that of the Owl House, helped by the fact that both are run through Disney, it isn’t a full on crossover, as only specific elements are supposed to be relevant. Now, on to the background information and premise! Everybody clap your hands!!
First off, in the Marvel Universe, Gamma Radiation, the highest known form of radiation and incredibly deadly besides, comes in a third variant that possesses Mutagenic properties, causing Superpower bestowing mutations in those exposed to it, and live that is. This third form is the emissions of an ancient existence known as “The One Below All,” a malevolent mindless monstrosity that sits below all of existence, and is the gestalt of all hate, pain, negativity, and suffering, as well as the physical embodiment of the concept of destruction itself. For all that The One Below All is dangerous, it lacks both a mind and a personality of its own, needing sufficiently malevolent and outright evil individuals to act as hosts for it and give it a mind and personality to work with.
But I’m getting sidetracked. One of the big themes of The One Below All is that those who wield powers from his Radiation, known as Gamma Mutates, are incapable of truly using their powers for good. I call bull on that. Destruction isn’t evil, it just IS, nor can The One Below All decide how those who wield his power decide to use it, and while certainly some have chosen the path of wickedness, others have counted themselves among the most powerful of heroes, such as the Hulk himself! As I see it, destruction and creation are intrinsically linked; for something to be created, their must be room for it to inhabit, ergo, something must be destroyed. The power of the Gamma Mutates is the power to create Change, whether for good or evil is irrelevant. So, I thought, why not give the power of a Gamma Mutate to someone already known as a harbringer of change, chaos, and destruction of the prior status quo. I’m talking about Luz Noceda ya’ll!!
Luz's Home Earth is a variant of the Marvel Earth, minus the Mutants who are one world down the metaphysical scale, and she's well acquainted with the unusual, the bizarre, and the super, if only due to TV and the Internet filling her in. This version of Luz has always had her head in the clouds, being slightly off-put by how little the Supernatural events going on in the world touch her home town. (After gaining her abilities she gets a little more appreciation of why that sleepiness is usually a good thin)
Luz gained her Gamma Mutate abilities due to her mother, Camila, helping with a Gamma Radiation-based clinical trial years prior. For the longest time, Luz's latent abilities lied dormant, only emerging when she enters the Isles, and gradually at that, only becoming noticeable when she tries to free the prisoners in the Conformatorium and actually making slight headway before her arms give out. Luz's Gamma Mutate abilities manifest, at first, as a form of absorption and emission, allowing her to take in energy and emit it as her own, with a Gamma Charging twist. The big issue is two-fold, in that Luz both has very poor control over the ability and cannot reliably absorb or emit at will just yet, and she also personally dislikes her powers, as she feels they undermine her dream, as well as her goal, of being a Witch, often looking for excuses not to use them or practice with them.
When she finally manages to get over her hang-ups, Luz also discovers that she has the power to temporarily convert others into Gamma Mutates themselves by emitting raw Mutagenic Gamma Radiation directly into their bodies. By temporarily, I mean it lasts from around a minute to an hour, depending on how strenuous their activity is, and she has no control how their Mutate Status will manifest in the slightest. Her absorption ability only works in the form of directed energy, such as a flame, light, or electricity, things of that nature; she absolutely CANNOT absorb another person's energy directly from their body, and trying to do so causes her body to emit large amounts of Gamma uncontrollably as a result.
Her distinctive signature trait that marks her as a Gamma Mutate, that is to say the Green coloration the vast majority of Gammas typically have in some form, manifests in her skin and hair, but does so in an odd way, fluctuating in response to her energy stores, causing her to become more green in color the more overall energy she has absorbed into her body so far, and fading back to normal the less she does. Because she can absorb Light as an energy source, Luz always has a slightly green tint to her skin and hair, even when at her absolute lowest energy store, but most people can't actually tell, only being able to note that something is off about her appearance but can't figure out WHAT it is.
Luz’s powers have a REALLY bad habit of kicking in at literally the worst possible moment, such as releasing a sudden burst of energy out of nowhere when she or her friends need to be stealthy, or accidentally absorbing a very much needed spell cast by Eda or one of the others when they are in a pickle.
Like in Canon, Luz lies to her Mami about going to Camp, but makes a better effort of staying in contact with her in a more meaningful capacity than just passing emojis at her. She also reveals the fact that she is a Gamma Mutate to Camila, in the hopes of gaining an explanation as to HOW she’s one, as well as any advice she can give on keeping herself or others safe.
Other MU elements are most definitely present, for one thing, do to some of the chaotic events resulting in conflict between known heroes, magic is a known force on her Earth, so Luz KNOWS magic is possible, she just doesn't know how, and her mother has been adamant about her not trying to learn on her own, mostly out of concern for her safety. I would say that Eda is familiar with Doctor Strange and other Earth-born Magic users, and may even have some practice with their methods, if only to stick it to Belos and only in the form of Cantrips and the like, as well as being more familiar overall with Earth and Human Culture, as opposed to her just above baseline knowledge that most Boiling Islanders have canonically. She's still not totally savvy, but she's heads and shoulders above her Canon self, in that she genuinely knows what the things she's selling actually are, but still sells them as random garbage anyhow just because the weird and insane explanations she gives are more likely to get her sweet, sweet profits! Eda, in addition to her Con-Woman gig, was tasked by the Magical Orders of Earth to monitor and intercede with Magical Matters on the Isles as price for allowing to keep her portal and her scams running, as well as charged with keeping the Portal as far from Belos' grubby mitts as she can.
If you all have any questions, comments, or anything, feel free to let me know!
#the owl house#owl house au#Luz SMASH (Not Really) AU#marvel#marvel comics#hulk#gamma mutate#luz noceda#eda clawthorne#camila noceda
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MORE FG Analysis....(I think I might have a problem)
I keep rewatching and rewatching the Clover and Qrow scenes we have so far and trying to see the bromance thing or the platonic buddies thing and I just... can’t?
Look, I don’t run around with shipping goggles on if that means anything to anyone. I got through the entirety of The Lord of the Rings and the first two Hobbit movies without shipping a single couple (Martin Freeman and Richard Armitage punched me in the heart in the third Hobbit film, but that’s another tangent for another time). I wasn’t even fully on Bumblby until volume 4.
There’s just no other way to view these scenes. Things keep escalating between these two. I don’t really have a good scale for measuring romantic/sexual tension, so I’ll just try to pinpoint the moments in which things tick up a notch or two. Starting with...
The Mine Scene
The baseline here is the casual conversation that Qrow initiates. From there, here are the beats:
Conversation turns personal very quickly, thanks to Qrow opening up
Clover catches Qrow
They engage the Grimm
Qrow warns Clover
Qrow shares his semblance (again... Qrow is the one to get personal, which I find extremely telling)
Clover shares his semblance (and puts Qrow at ease)
Clover flirts (look, I’m trying to be as objective atm as possible, but the wink, the smile, the eyebrow wiggle, the full-body lean, and the lingering stare as he turns around... I’m sorry, there’s no other word for that. I challenge anyone of you to replace Qrow with a woman, show it to someone who doesn’t watch RWBY, ask what the tone of this still-shot is, and find me a single person who will tell you it’s not romantically charged. I dare you.)
Qrow stares back (this is absolutely from a myriad of emotions running through him and I will not discount that, but can we all at least admit that he seems to come out of this shock in a pretty okay place?)
They reach the main cavern and... more flirting/showing off from Clover. (The toss, the smirk, the salute, and the fancy-ass backflip which, considering he hooks Kingfisher to the ceiling and goes zipping upwards directly after this (thank you @fairgame-is-endgame) was completely unnecessary.)
The joke! How did I miss this?? Qrow doesn’t joke about their semblances for the first time at Schnee manor. He does it here! (Sorry, I couldn’t get the dialogue in there with Qrow’s eyes open.)
Clover counters with: “Hmm. No. I’d chalk that one up to talent.” (Already highlighting the difference between their attitudes regarding their semblances. For Qrow, everything bad that happens is his fault. For Clover, semblance isn’t everything. A very healthy person for Qrow to be around, no?)
The Truck Scene
Now we shift to the truck scene. Again, trying to pinpoint the beats where the romantic tension clicks up or something significant happens:
Clover initiates conversation. (Apparently, him mentioning Ruby is enough to put people on edge, but might I point out a few things? (Jesus lord, this is turning into another essay.) He brings up Ruby as “[Qrow’s] niece”, first of all. And that’s it. You know where he shifts the focus from there? On to Qrow. This is Clover’s next line in this exchange: “It’s a good thing they had someone to look up to and get them through it. Not everyone is so lucky.” Real nefarious there, guys. Way to have Master Spy Clover probe for info. Oh, don’t get me wrong. Clover is absolutely probing here but it’s for another reason entirely.)
Qrow shifts from being closed off and a little taciturn to making sure the conversation doesn’t drop. (He thanks Clover in case anyone wants me to be specific about that).
Qrow gets personal. Again. He opens up about being an alcoholic.
And the peak of this scene? Clover calls Qrow on his self-deprecating habits and tries to offer him something solid and good to hold on to. Which I and others have written about ad nauseum, to the point where repeating myself is getting annoying, so have some visual aids instead:
James’s Office
Non-verbal communication. Here, surrounded by people that both Clover and Qrow know better than they know each other at this point, and their first instinct in this moment is still to seek each other out. Enough said.
Schnee Manor
The second inside joke between them about their semblances.
Qrow flirts openly. Similar to Clover’s “You’ve had more of an effect on them than you realize” line delivery here, Qrow’s “I mean, they already invited you, didn’t they?” carries a very specific and multilayered tone. He’s playful, he’s open, he’s relaxed, he’s enjoying himself, and yes, the man is flirting. It’s in the voice, it’s in the smile, it’s in the body language. And it is absolutely in the lingering stare as Clover walks through the door (a mirror of Clover’s lingering stare in the mines, btw).
Final thoughts/speculation
Does anyone want them? You’re gonna get ‘em.
I think the fact that Qrow is the one who gets personal when he has every damn reason right now to be guarded is ridiculously significant. In the last two volumes before this, his sister tried to have him murdered, a long-trusted colleague (Lionheart) turned out to be a traitor, and Oz was revealed to be a massive liar (I love Oz, I really do, but the man screwed up). Qrow has no reason to drop his walls for just anyone so you know what this tells me? He’s interested in Clover from the beginning. Qrow’s early-stage flirting style isn’t to wink and show-off (at least not anymore), it’s to lower his guard and see how the other person responds. I think he’s gotten to the point of “if you can’t deal with my ugly shit, you won’t be getting the rest of me either”. Qrow Branwen is doing a little probing of his own and, in light of this, you could make the argument that he’s the one to open the door for their relationship to happen.
Clover’s early-stage flirting style, on the other hand, is very overt. He’s more guarded about himself personally (notice how he keeps the focus on Qrow quite a bit and even does a bit of deflecting of his own in the truck scene) but he is perfectly comfortable with making his interest known in a very straightforward and physical manner.
There are reasons for this!! Reasons deeply intertwined with character and who these men are.
Qrow sees himself as the eternal monkey wrench that no one wants. He’s finally starting to recover from this viewpoint, I think, but he’s also very aware that no matter how healthy he might get, he is always going to come with a little... extra. He has his semblance, he has his depression, and he has his alcoholism. He’s tired of secrets and he’s tired of games, and if he’s going to get involved with someone, they sure as hell better be ready to deal with all of that, because it’s not going anywhere. The solution? Put it all out there and see how the person responds. He gets the wrong response, he’s going to shut that down and move on. The right response?? He’s going to keep moving forward to see where it goes. Clover is giving him all the right responses.
As for Clover, he’s not only military but he’s also the leader of the elite Ace Ops and the man with the good-luck semblance. I know we don’t have a lot on him, but I suspect that the pressures of all that get to him quite a lot, to the point where he has major trouble being personally vulnerable for anyone. He’s probably used to having to keep it together at all times, to presenting that tightly controlled professionalism he displays with Robyn and even with Jacques Schnee to a degree. He’s used to everyone else relying on him, including James. This means that even in the presence of mutual interest, he’s going to flirt in ways that are emotionally safe, at least at first.
The balance inherent in this is so unbelievably beautiful. And, I’m starting to realize, a complete subversion of early expectations.
Qrow isn’t the one who has to learn to open up. He’s already doing that. What he will have to do is learn to accept someone (outside of his nieces) loving him without strings attached. He’ll have to learn to trust that Clover (and by extension their relationship) isn’t going anywhere, even if/when things get bad. Clover can be the one who stays.
Clover, on the other hand, is the one who is going to have to learn to open up. He’s going to have to learn how to return that emotional vulnerability that Qrow has already given him, and he’s going to have to learn that Qrow can be the safe place where all that confidence and self-control can finally drop. Clover might have to be the unshakeable support structure for everyone else in his life, but Qrow can be the one place where he can lean and just breathe.
#fair game#qrow branwen#clover ebi#fairgame#lucky charms#luckbirds#qrover#rwby#rwby7#if this doesn't happen it will be the missed opportunity of the millineum#let me tell you what#another essay#i can't help myself#i start with one thought and my brain tosses out fifty more that are relevant#probably the analysis i'm most proud of so far
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Video Games Should Probably Cost More
Okay, I'm sick of people saying "video games should be cheaper!" without really understanding the effect that has or why devs are arguing that video game prices are relatively cheap to begin with. I'd like to present my Hot Take: Buying a modern video game should in practice be way more expensive than it is, and the reason it isn't is directly due to the exploitation of labour under capitalism.
To start, folks need to understand that basically the only way modern video games can afford to be made at the scope and quality they are is by exploiting the people making them.
Realistically with the size, scope and budget most productions are operating on, most games these days simply cannot afford to be made in a way that compensates their workers fairly. They're simply too large and the margins - even though substantial in some cases - often simply aren't there.
To get around this, studios exploit their workforce to cut costs as much as possible, which in turn also enables them to cut down the price of games ("passing the savings on to you!!!"). Outsourcers in the Global South fight for their studios to take on contracts for the lowest pay, devs are carroted along on temp positions without benefits or financial security instead of permanent ones with benefits, undercutting QA departments to the point they can't afford to live in the same city they work in, incredibly low starting wages for developers starting in the industry, crunch culture...the list of how this ripples through ever part of the industry goes on.
I've also seen people say "Oh well indies are fine, I don't think THEY should make less money :)" and while the sentiment is nice the devaluation of game labour 100% applies to indies, possibly even moreso: Players have directly told me before that "indie games shouldn't cost more than $10" (!!!) or "your $5 game you put 1000+ hours of labour into and see only 70% profit returns of and hasn't broke even costs too much" (?!?). These preconceived ideas of how much a game 'should be worth' isn't coming from a void; games across the spectrum, and the labour put into them, are INSANELY devalued both indie and AAA alike. The 'indies get out of jail free card' is pretty moot when it comes to the culture of what most players perceive the value and labour that going into a game. Additionally it's always worth noting that because someone is indie doesn't mean they haven't found a way to exploit their workforce - they're not mutually exclusive concepts, and I've arguably seen more exploitative practices in indie spaces than AAA ones.
Obviously the concept of 'minimum pay maximum profit' is not unique to video games and is a general Capitalism problem, but know if studios did magically decide to charge less for games (and let's be real, they won't) it would come at the cost of having found more people to exploit more effectively. They'd find some shmucks who would make their games dirt cheap for them, open a new studio in a poor exploitable country, or even scrape pay off of their workforce. It's similar to when you buy a cheaper product at the supermarket - did the store selling it to you graciously decide they didn't want to earn as much of a profit? No, the probably just found someone who exploited their workforce more efficiently to give them better margins.
Do I think people should have to pay an arm and a leg for an entertainment product? Absolutely not, but I hope at a baseline the people who make arguments for paying less for games realize how prohibitively expensive they are to produce in the first place, and how simply "making them cheaper" would have knock on effects to how they're made.
Am I saying that if game prices increased that all these undercut devs would magically get paid? No of course not. A good chunk of the profit just goes on up to the executive level, or to shareholders first. Most devs don't see any of the money at all (and likely never would if studios had any say in it), but it also doesn't necessarily mean that if the money *did* reach them it would even be enough because, again, the production of making a whole-ass video game is incredibly expensive. Most executives would also gladly lay developers off or exploit other workers before taking a pay cut themselves but the money that does move around probably isn't enough in the first place.
There's no real thesis here because it's still early in the morning and I'm tired, but I just hope folks reflect on what exactly they're arguing for when they say blanket statements like "games should cost less". As a consumer it's an easy idea to throw around, but how you'd hope to see it put into practice behind the scenes is what you really should be talking and thinking about. "I want my video game to be cheap!" is a statement that is generally unhelpful and actually harmful to developers and work practices surrounding them - the money's gotta come off of someone and if a corporation is gunna take it from anyone first it's going to be the folks they have the most power over.
Personally I always think supporting the efforts of devs who are unionizing their workforce is paramount so that at a baseline, so they're at least paid what they're worth for the games they make for you and they have resources to fight back against their exploitation.
After all, I'm sure we can agree that if video games as we know them are going to continue to cost a ton of money to make, it's best that money at least go to the people being exploited most - right?
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Hope World
Pairing: Hoseok x Reader
Word Count: 1177 (oops)
Rating: PG
Genres: SFW, Fluff
Summary: You meet J-Hope while you are traveling through Asia.
Warnings: None.
A/N: First of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO @ho-baebae!!! You are my best friend, I love you so much. Please enjoy this cute little Hobi drabble! 🥳
This is part of my new drabble series that I’m doing for ficswithluv’s Bulletproof Bingo! 24 drabbles in 12 days so I can get that blackout before the deadline. See my challenge post here and the master list here! Message or send an ask to be on the taglist!
The inspiration for this was this tweet/fan art!
This has not been beta read, please be kind! 💜
~~~~~~~
Gwangjang Market is packed today. You push your way through the crowd to get to one of the food vendors. The large backpack you’re carrying keeps accidentally hitting people and you are getting a lot of angry looks. But your stomach is growling after all the walking you did to get here. You need food.
You find a tteok-bokki stand and order some of that, then next to the tteok-bokki is a bindae-tteok stand so you get some of that too. There are stools at the bindae-tteok stand, so you sit there to scarf down your snack. The absolute best part about backpacking through Asia is the food. The vendor there attempts to make polite conversation with you while she continues to cook, but your Korean is very basic.
Once you’re done eating, you decide to explore the rest of the market. There are little shops that have fabric and clothing. There’s a store that looks like it has antiques for sale. There are kiosks with the cutest little trinkets, but you can’t buy much of anything. The backpack is heavy and every ounce counts.
You stumble upon a few jewelry tables at the back part of the market. Jewelry is your biggest weakness. You haven’t worn much of it on this trip, so a cute pair of earrings or a necklace would go a long way.
Unfortunately, nothing really catches your eye. After a few hours of walking around you make your way to the end of the line. Just before you turn to leave, a bright tend grabs your attention. As you approach you see the green table cloth and the small sign that reads Hopes Market.
There is a man with brown hair and a heart shaped smile standing behind the table. He’s looking directly at you, his gaze welcoming you to his booth. There’s another sign on his stand, I’m your hope. Hope is something you desperately need right now.
You didn’t just randomly decide to backpack through Asia one day. No, you got fired. And when you got home to the apartment you share with your boyfriend, you caught him sleeping with your best friend. Everything went wrong all at once. So you decided to sell everything a leave. Since then, you’ve had a great time exploring the world. But you don’t have much to go home to and that scares you.
“Welcome to Hopes Market! I’m your hope, you’re my hope. I’m J-Hope!” The cheery man exclaims. The smile that spreads across your face is involuntary.
“Hi!” You respond, not sure what else to say. He greeted you in English, but you don’t know how much English he actually speaks.
“Please look around, I have many pieces. Each crystal has been charged personally by me.” He states proudly in plain English. His accent is heavy, but easy to understand. You aren’t quite sure if you believe in the power of crystals, but who are you to judge?
Each piece is named and labelled carefully in English explaining the crystals they are made with and the purpose of the crystal.
Piece of Peace - These rose quartz earrings will bring love and peace into your life. Rose quartz is known as the love stone, but it is also known to have healing energy and peaceful properties.
Daydream - The jade charm on this necklace will bring wealth, wisdom, and prosperity to those who wear it.
Baseline - This bracelet will bring you clarity and focus. The clear quartz beads will also help you manifest your goals and dreams.
Hangsang - Jasper is the stone of stability and tranquility. This necklace will help restore inner peace and encourage healing.
Airplane - This hand carved smoky quartz charm will help ground you during difficult times. On any bracelet or necklace, it will bring the wearer a deeper connection to the earth.
Blue Side - These azurite earrings will clear your mind of worry and bring focus and clean energy into your life.
Each of the pieces are so beautiful and brightly colored. They all promise to bring positive energy into your life and it’s tempting.
“They’re all so lovely.” You look back at J-Hope with a small smile. You’re not sure how to tell him you didn’t really see anything you want. You don’t want to hurt his feelings.
“If you’re unsure, I can read your energy to see which will help you.” He chimes in, motioning for you to give him your hand. Still a little unsure, you place your hand on top of his and he sets his other hand on top.
He closes his eyes for a few seconds, you watch him carefully. Then he opens his eyes, staring into yours intensely. You only last about three seconds before you have to break eye contact. He holds onto your hand for another moment and then lets go.
“I have just the thing!” He says, a cheerful smile replacing the intense stare. He turns around and looks through a couple of boxes on the ground. He pops back up with a brightly colored bracelet in hand.
It has beads for each color of the rainbow. There’s a sunflower charm with rainbow petals and a large crystal charm that’s black and red.
Hope World - This bracelet features a large bloodstone crystal. It brings courage, strength, healing, and self-esteem to the person wearing it. You will get through this.
“This bracelet will help you get through these tough times.” J-Hope smiles and takes the bracelet off the cardstock backing and clasps it around your wrist. It seems silly to say, but you can almost feel a warm surge of energy where the crystal comes in contact with your skin. Maybe there is something to this after all.
“It’s beautiful. How much do I owe you?” You ask. J-Hope points to a sign taped to the edge of the table, Payment In Smiles. You and J-Hope exchange big smiles.
“It was nice to meet you!” You say as you begin walking away, you wish you could give him something in return.
“Good bye! Safe travels!” J-Hope calls after you.
The market is less crowded now, it’s getting late. You decide to get dinner for the road while you’re still here. A japchae cart is the first thing you see and it smells delicious. You order two servings of the noodle dish. One for you, and one for J-Hope.
You walk quickly back to Hopes Market, but he’s not there. In fact, the entire booth is gone. There is no trace of him at all. You check the bracelet on your wrist to make sure that you didn’t imagine the whole encounter, but it’s still there.
The other vendors around are starting to pack up. Maybe he just left early. But you can’t help but feel like there is something slightly more mystical about J-Hope. Sadly, you many never know for sure, but you decide to leave the market and set back out on your journey. With your Hope World bracelet around your wrist, you feel a little more courageous than before.
~~~~~~~
A/N: Thank you so much for reading. Check out my masterlist here and the series masterlist here. I’m always looking for betas and friends so send me a message! :)
#ficswithluv#fwlbingo#magicshopnet#bangtanhq#jung hoseok#hoseok#j-hope#hobi#hoseok x reader#hoseok fan fic#bts fan fic#hoseok fluff#bts fluff
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Phantom Troupe Members in order of who I'd be least to most upset to see die
No one asked for it but I just want to be clear on my opinions on the phantom troupe and no one’s been able to stop me yet <3
Disclaimers:
a. if you like these characters then yes I think thats objectively funny but like. it doesn't make you a bad person, cringe culture dead, like what you like, I'm just someone on the internet, etc etc. go ahead and leave angry rants/dissmissive insults/'umm actually's/etc etc for me to not read anyway tho <3
b. I refuse to look up anything about them, including their names, because I don't care enough. And also because I'm going to spell their names from memory and then laugh when people correct me. So, like, know that I'm not messing up any of the names on purpose, and might not mess them up at all, but I'm not doing a joke or anything with the spelling I just really care that little
c. Also!! Mild manga spoilers?? idk why you would care because it's literally just about the phantom troupe but if that bothers u for some reason then goodbye have a nice day <3 this WILL spoil deaths that I'm pretty sure happened. Maybe. No I haven't read the manga I have ADHD and haven't properly hyperfixated on HxH since I was 13 and didn't know what Manga was.
d. I lied through my teeth! I'm a Gemini bitch, if someone somehow actually cares enough about my correct opinions about the goddamned phantom troupe to leave a mean comment I'm absolutely going to read it.e. also if u actually somehow want to talk about the phantom troupe in a civil way (excluding H*soka) PLEASE hit me up. I don't know if reasonable Phantom Troupe stans exisit but I assume they do and I promise I'm funny and nice and surprisingly conflict avoidant and I'd honestly luv 2 study u. I'm not mean the worst I'll do is ghost u I'm an Aquarius mars I swear <3
Hisoka. I hate this clown man so fucking much. Like he has funny moments I guess but it doesn't make up for how uncomfortable I am every time I see him. The rest of this list will be funnier because the rest of them are funny and obviously shiny plot devices and not much else, but the fact that this clown man is alive makes me so angry. Also there'd be no entertainment value left here after the emotional exhaustion I'd have complaining about Illumi and also I forgot he joined until just now, so I'm grouping these bitches together and moving on.
Chrolo Lucifer: this man is so funny purely on a fandom level. Like he has half the personality of a stale potato chip, but he's hot and does atrocities and pretends to have thoughts so he lives in everyone's head rent free any way. Not me tho because I'm sexy and cool. Anyway I want him dead purely because the reactions would be hilarious (on BOTH sides to be clear, because people celebrating his death would be almost as funny as people mourning it), it's what Kurapika and the Kurta's deserve, and there's literally no reason for him to exist other then to eventually die.
sphinx: he's just. really annoying. I can't back this up because I don't remember anything he does I just remember thinking he was annoying.
nobabunga: He was mean to the boys!!!!! It's a death sentence those are just the facts. He cried and I gave a nice good chuckle. I want him 2 die then never get mentioned again until Illumi offhandedly mentions that he's Kikyo's brother or cousin or somehting so Kalluto can inherit his swords. Not because they should use them just because I think Kalluto deserves swords and also it would inspire a wave of people caring about Nobaunga WAY too much (one group hating him on principal for being a member of the Zoldyk family, one group deciding he's a Big Brother Icon and reimagining him having a cute and hillariously out of character relationship with Illumi/Kalluto/Killua/Gon, and a mix of the two pumping out psycology breakdowns with entirely too much time and effort put into them, none of which I will watch but each of which will add a week onto my lifetime out of the pure amused euphoria of knowing they exist).
Franklin: Boring. He's in the phantom troupe he can do better then overplayed-frankenstein-aesthetic and bullet fingers. uninspired. At least everyone else sucks in an interesting way.
Uvo: I can't lie his fight scenes were actually pretty dope, and I HAVE to admit that it is HILARIOUS just how much work Togashi put into overpowering/hyping up Uvo, specifically so he could have an established baseline for exactly how incomprehensibly and overwhelmingly excessive Kurapika's will and hatred is. Also that demi lavato AMV of his and Kurapika's fight is just free dopamine. Glad he's dead but he was funny while it lasted and I can appriciate what he gave to the story.
boxing gloves. I know nothing about them (including their name). They might already be dead in the manga but I don't think so.
Pakunda. I don't know how to elaborate on her bc I don't care about her all that much but some part of me can't help but kind of like her a little? I dunno. her loyalty would almost be commendable if it wasn't to Chr*llo.
Pheiten. his character concept and design is literally 'what if we combined Levi and Aizawa and then made him super fucked up' which is impressive because he was made like two decades before either of them. can't justify putting him this far up the list either because he's honestly kinda boring and overplayed but he looks cool and he's funny in a 'what the fuck is wrong with you??' way so here he is.
Kortopi. No I won't elaborate. Yes I know they're dead and I have no significant emotions about this besides >:I
Shizuku. She's cute and she has ADHD and plinky(?) the vaccum is one my favorite nen-things in the show. I'd love to study her and I honestly like her a bit more then I want to.
Machi. I love her specifically because she hates Hisoka. That's all she needs to get a pass in my book. doesn't hurt that she has pink hair and the closest thing to resembling common sense in the group. If Hisoka kills her I'll riot because she doesn't deserve that but if anyone else does it that's fine.
shalnark should be the leader of the Spiders, there, I said it. he embodies them and their narritive purpose and their nonexistant philosophy and arbitrary but unshakable rules and their faux 'emotional depth and complexity' that so many people buy into. He's so funny I love him so much. Like cholo is out here trying to double major in philosophy and theology and fooling thousands into thinking theres a single thought in his head meanwhile Shalnark's only personality trait is being a buisness major with no empathy, and if he was in charge the phantom troupe would loose all of the ambiguity people somehow beleive they have. Like Shalnark is played so straight that I can't help but lowkey love him. Kurta theory is fun in a fucked up way like tfw u become emblamatic of the group you helped kill your clan and you didn't even know because you live in meteor city. Yes I know he's dead and yes it's the closest I've ever come to caring about the troupe and yes it took me three whole days to get over it. Not my best moment I'll admit.
For the record if Kalluto dies I'm going to have at least one mental breakdown. Fuck you.
#hxh#phantom troupe#hisoka tw#hisoka#illumi zoldyck#chrollo lucilfer#phinks#shalnark#nobunaga hxh#franklin hxh#uvogin#pakunoda#kortopi#shizuku hxh#machi#kalluto zoldyck#luv u bby
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Outlet for your Asparagus feels--you mentioned once that he used to babysit for Demeter and Bombalurina, so tell me about that. <3
Oh boy - okay okay -
So, baseline, Asparagus was often the cat saddled with babysitting when Jelly wasn't available. Skimble and Jenny had too much to do in the evenings/mornings to be reliable last minute babysitters, and Jelly has a human family that she tends to and is a therapy cat, so while she's usually pretty reliable on the babysitting front (her owners often don't mind if she brings other cats into the yard), she also has things to attend to.
That's where Asparagus would come in.
He does relatively little during the evenings and day times besides going for his walk (the younger kittens he sat for loved this because they were often not allowed beyond certain points and Asparagus had no qualms about them discreetly tagging along so long as they stayed close or on his back. He may have had some near misses with the more adventurous kits getting lost but it's fine they never actually got lost lost...he found them), so his schedule was usually wide open.
The patience level of the older cats is another thing to establish here. While they're all relatively patient, Jelly and Asparagus have it to spare and then some - because their dad was a bit out there for a lot of their childhood which required them to develop it in spades. (List would probably go, from least to most patient: Skimble, Jenny, Asparagus, Jelly). It takes a lot to rile the old tomcat up beyond a certain point. A whole lot.
Now, Demeter was literally the sweetest kit you could hope for as a parent or as a babysitter. Chubby cheeked, long lashed, gap toothed, quiet and shy and clung close to the adult in charge (bordering on goody two shoes) . Asparagus never had any problem with her specifically, because she usually listened and ate her lunch/dinner quietly and her entertainment level was usually satisfied with simple things like marbles and question looping. Very his speed kind of person. She liked him because Uncle Gus knows everything (or, maybe he doesn’t but his encyclopedia volumes sure do) and used to tell her when she got frustrated that little steps were better than none at all, which is something she tries to retain to this day.
Bombalurina on the other hand? Completely different ballpark. Also a beautiful kitten, she was a little nightmare on Rum Tum Tugger levels. Little bratty demon child (She grew out of it eventually but oh BOY). She liked having things her own way, she would throw tantrums, very destructive, got into a lot of trouble, would bite and scratch if prompted. She has an issue with authority and didn’t like being told what to do (and I wonder where that stems from...). She liked to see how far she could take things on purpose (maybe she taught the other kittens some choice words who knows). She also MAY have been one of those “almost got lost kits” but you’d never know that...
And not only that, because just her being the brat kid is bad enough - she was also really good at getting the OTHER kits involved with her shenanigans (even timid little Demeter), which meant that Asparagus had plenty of “Bombalurina I expect by now, but you too?” speeches under his belt. He never punished the kittens (obviously). He’s the “I’m not angry I’m just disappointed in you” type; he preferred to talk to them about why they thought what they were doing was a good idea, or what they were gaining from it and how they could work on it, you know gentle prompts in the right direction.
But Bomba pushed him to that snapping line so many times he lost count. She tested his patience every. single. time. and that gets old VERY quickly. So she wasn’t exactly his favourite kitten nor was he ever particularly thrilled when her mother dropped her off with him.
And Bomba didn’t like him either because he was boring! And also her puppy dog eyes that usually got her what she wanted? Did absolutely nothing for him. He knew her tricks; his father was an actor try again. So, to say the least, their relationship was very hostile from the beginning - and that grew into a general wariness of each other as she got older, even as she got more mature and grew out of her naughty kitten phase.
But get this though - he never told her parents any of it. Not a single word. Because, like, Asparagus goes by the snitches get stitches policy (I'm kidding). In reality, he had a feeling as to why Bombalurina was acting out, though he never knew for sure, and is a prime believer that a child is usually only as good as whomever raised them. So he kept everything to himself.
Perhaps, he would remind himself as Bombalurina bit his tail, it was a phase they all just had to go through until she was ready to leave it behind.
Until then, Asparagus had plenty of “Oh, my, she’s downright nice now. I remember when she was about four and...” stories to tell.
And needless to say he absolutely REFUSED to look after Tugger and Bomba at the same time he always found an excuse for that one no way jose.
#thank you for indulging me amie you're the real mvp#Asparagus#Bombalurina#Demeter#my headcanons#jellicles ask because jellicles dare#theimpossiblescheme
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A little knowledge...
I keep starting this, and then deleting it, that’s either an indication that I’m trying to process as fully as i can, or that I’m being avoidant, and slipping into another depressive episode, I’ll keep an eye on it.
I have an untidy heap of paperwork at the side of my desk, it’s not ‘on’ the desk yet, because I’m not quite ready to fill it in. There’s no deadline on it, so it’s ‘floating’, rather than ‘fixed’, and the formatting of it is doing my head in. It’s the end-of-course review and coping plan for the Trauma Stabilisation Group I finished last week. I told my son a few days ago that the ‘mentals’ write their own coping plans, and he was incredulous, I’m relatively good at planning, and taking all factors into consideration, but the new medication, and the appeal against the denial of my disability benefit, and, well, 2020 are taking a toll on me, I’m slipping.
‘Introduction to Trauma Stabilisation Class’, three 90-minute sessions, delivered via Microsoft ‘Teams’, on account of the Covid-19 pandemic, we’re too unwell to be left to our own devices, so the online group was the least-bad option. It’s free, I know a fair few people who have had to pay for their own therapy, because they can’t access NHS treatment, and I know I’m part of a very small, but fortunate number, to still be on NHS lists. Groups of people with mental health issues are always a bit of a gamble, there’s the waiting-room-contagion factor, where some people will exchange symptoms and ‘unhelpful coping mechanisms’, and the weird mix of characters that are inevitable. This was either my third or fourth ‘Introduction to...’ group, and the online format was differently stressful to the in-the-flesh ones. I know ‘most’ of my group-dynamic bad habits, and there’s always a little bit of my cognitive functioning occupied with telling myself *don’t* do this, or that. In a nutshell, I’m a watchful show-off, the ‘feeling small and vulnerable’ part of my C-PTSD would, historically, lead me to muck about, or attempt to dominate groups, throw in my autistic ‘organising’, my professional desire to help, and the fatigue and over-stimulus from the brain injuries, and I *could* be a nightmare in groups.
I was honest with the triage staff right from the beginning, it’ll be in my notes that I acknowledge my tendencies to ‘take charge’, as a means of coping with so much in my life that’s been beyond my control, it’s not all deliberate, and it’s sometimes really useful. I’m a sheep-dog, which is productive when I’m rounding up stragglers, and pointing them in the right direction, less-so when I’m distracted by a squirrel outside the window.
Being what I am, and knowing what I know from my previous career is a double-edged sword. I know the fancy words for the theories and processes, so can be mildly irritated when the language has to be dumbed-down to the lowest common denominator. It does have to be, though, on the previous course, we had a couple of participants who couldn’t read the text on the worksheets (formatting issue, too much text crammed onto each page, to save on photocopying costs, they strained my eyes a bit) I can’t do my (TM) Autistic thing of assuming that, if I ‘know’ a thing, everyone else in the room does too. I can do my helpful thing of re-explaining something the facilitator has said if the group don’t seem to ‘get’ it, or clarifying something a participant has said if the facilitators misconstrue it. (One of the staff on the previous course was an absolute horror for that, she wasn’t listening actively, just barrelling on with what she thought had been said, people stop volunteering information when that happens.) I’m not there to ‘help’, or to ‘lead’, though. One of the participants in this last group threw a bit of a tantrum, she’d dominated most of the speaking in the previous session, and flipped when I was given air-time to explain something. That was hard to deal with, because I automatically switched to Mentor-mode, and very nearly lost track of the content trying to think of a way to alert one of the facilitators to check in on her, and try to bring her down from her agitated state before she hurt herself.
I’m dabbling with the slightly paranoid theory that some participants, or even facilitators might think I’m a Mystery Shopper sort of thing. My ‘old’ practices and processes made a lot of people ask “How do you DO that?”, the ‘Matilda’-thing, I just do, I’m exceptional at a lot of very difficult things sometimes, but I can’t use oven-gloves, and, especially recently, I’ve been forgetting a lot of words. Other participants might think I’m a smart-arse, I am, it doesn’t matter, I imagine I frustrate the facilitators because I can give theoretically correct answers, but can’t consistently apply the theories in my own life. I’m not there to make friends, we all have to sign contracts of expectations saying we won’t form relationships, I understand that, an elective empathy with other high-end mental health cases is never going to be a good thing. My curious combination of conditions makes me a bit of a distance-er anyway, I stick as firmly as I can to the procedural pathways, it’s a process-with-purpose, not a popularity contest.
I’m struggling with the ‘be kind to yourself’ angle again. It’s not in my nature, I don’t know how. That bumps heads with the ‘normalising nice things’, even at this level of mental health intervention, we’re encouraged to ‘savour the taste of your favourite food’- food is just fuel, I don’t have a favourite, and, when people start banging on about chocolate, or cake, or whatever, I don’t get it. Visit a favourite place, phone/meet up with a friend, listen to uplifting music, go for a walk, buy yourself flowers, have a haircut, all of the ‘normal’ nice-things leave me cold, I don’t really have hobbies or interests, very few things spark my oxytocin or dopamine responses, I’m not a joyful type, that’s my baseline-normal, not a press-the-panic-button indicator that I’m depressed.
“You’re just not trying!” Luckily, nobody ‘medical’ has trotted that one out, but it’s been the backing track to my life pretty much forever. I am trying, I’m trying very hard, especially since the brain injuries. There’s been a slow realisation that I have to pick my battles wisely, though. I’ve long maintained that anyone who’s ‘always’ happy must have a flap in their back where the batteries go, I’m not advocating living in a constant state of ‘Eeyore’ gloom, but constant joy must be bloody exhausting. I’m not always moody or maudlin, I’m just sort of ‘flat’, not particularly animated or enthusiastic about much, but I can engage for short periods when I need to. “Smile, love, it might never happen!” can get right in the bin, and, as the internet pointed out the other day, telling someone to ‘just think positive’ as a cure-all is ridiculous. Well-meaning, but oblivious people will chip in with their intrusive-insensitive opinions of how a bit of yoga, or more vegetables are all we need to be all-better, and it’s a challenge to not point out that some of us are a bit beyond ‘just snapping out of it’.
That’s not defeatist. I’m autistic, my brain runs on a non-standard Operating System, the updates don’t always load, and I have to make a hell of a lot of work-around adaptations. Sometimes life’s like walking everywhere with my shoes on the wrong feet, and sometimes it’s like my appliances have come with the wrong plug, and I have to stick a spoon-handle in the Earth socket to make them work. On top of the autism, I had a succession of adverse experiences through the course of my life, which have left me with C-PTSD. I have a telephone-directory of medical conditions, and the icing on the cake was the brain haemorrhage five years ago, I have brain injuries, bits of metal plugging up aneurysms, and one area of ‘risky’ defects on my brain-stem. Those are facts, I have a file of medical paperwork about two inches thick, but the UK disability benefit departments have decided to latch onto the fact that I’m not on any medication for mental health issues. (I’ve tried lots, none of them worked long-term, and now we know we’re dealing with a neurodevelopmental disorder, and physical brain damage, I don’t think a bit of Prozac is going to help.)
Knowing that my brain is physically and chemically different to ‘most’ people’s is not a get-out-of-jail-free-card. These are reasons, not excuses, and I’m doing what I can to work within and around my limitations. I’m not unique, or a special unicorn, I’m disabled, and damaged, and trying to work with the fragmented NHS. One of the issues with the trauma course was the assumptions. I absolutely don’t blame the facilitators, they’re working with pre-prepared material, and a ‘difficult’ cohort. I did gently correct the course-leader, when she started listing ‘normal’ coping mechanisms, the walk-in-the-park, cup-of-tea-with-friends type ones. Some of those ‘simple’ activities are incredibly difficult for some of us, that’s why we’re at this level of intervention, if we could have ‘just’ joined a knitting circle, or taken up photography, we’d already have done it. I explained the need for pacing, the other two participants had limited impulse control, so giving the ‘shopping list’ of strategies was a bit risky, I know I have a tendency to over-reach, so need to be careful with myself. None of us had mentioned nightmares or flashbacks, but they’re on the standard list of indicators for PTSD. There was an assumption that we all had them, in the same way as one of the other triage practitioners, ages ago, told me “It’s not PTSD, because you don’t have nightmares.” I have auditory and olfactory flashbacks and hallucinations.
The doctors that didn’t make further investigations for the mutated migraines before the aneurysm ruptured. The gyneacologist that told my HUSBAND “There’s nothing physically wrong with her.”, the Occupational Health doctor who told me “It’s not vertigo, because that’s spinning.” and “It wasn’t a stroke, because you don’t have one-sided weakness.” I know they have to have lists of diagnostic criteria to start from, but Little-Miss-Autistic here spent far too long just-trying-to-cope because I didn’t fit neatly into their matrices. (Don’t get me started on DWP/PIP ignoring reams of evidence, and just picking out that I turned up to the assessment with my trousers on the right way around...)
I know too much about some things, and not enough about others. My ‘flat’ presentation gives the impression that I’m calm when I’m not, and coping more than I am. The review for the trauma class isn’t until September, and I genuinely don’t know what the next step will be. I’m already on the waiting list for the ‘Compassion’ course, and the very long waiting list for the Specialist Neurodevelopmental Service in the city, to see if there’s anything ‘else’ I haven’t already tried to work within and around the autism. I’ve slipped through a million holes in a million nets, because I know enough to give the answers I ‘should’, the biggest irony is that when I answer “I don’t know.”, the assumption is that I’m being defensive or difficult. A little knowledge is indeed a dangerous thing.
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