#but dudes… im genuinely unwell about this

[cinnamon-grump]

Idk what is WRONG with me but some days I really just. It’s like.. my brain is just…. Glitching?

Like i KNOW i shouldn’t put that plate in the microwave for several minutes to steam potatoes…. But I have a “well I’ve put it in for shorter times and nothing bad happens so this will be okay i guess” and then i. Do the thing. The thing I just told myself I shouldn’t.

And I know I shouldn’t put this sweater in the dryer because it will matt and shrink— but the smell of it triggered me back to being in my mom’s old car.. one in which me n my siblings were technically kidnapped by our babysitter. My desperation to get riiiiid of that smell made me fucking STUPID and now the sweater is tiny and probably destroyed and I feel like the biggest asshole alive… cause I just couldnmt stand a fucking smell!! I ruined a fuckijg handmade gift that was worked on for mONTHS all be cause. Of a stink.

#shut up ashwyn #i think i should crawl into a hole and stay there #like idk i just…. i cannt believe i did that #i kneeewwwww i shouldn’t dry it!!!! but god i just HAD TO!!!! #now its soaking in a tub of scented oils and hair conditioner.. #in the hopes that I can at least stretch it back out to a wearable size #but dudes… im genuinely unwell about this #im.. trying not to spiral 😅 but i am a liiiittle suicidal rn to be completely honest #sorry i needed to vent.. #i feel very very very dumb and tired #i thought that lowest lowest setting wouldn’t destroy it like that.. #her fucking face as I had to explain my mistake… i genuinely could have just dropped dead on the spot im so mortified

[iinryer]

.👇

#said it in the tags of the marjan tk carlos doodle I posted but. feeling very unsure about how i will be engaging w ls moving forward #still very much support most of the cast and I do enjoy this silly show #but it’s difficult coming to terms w the fact that their golden boy is a nationalist and zionist #just so unbelievably disappointing and depressing to see #so unless some personal views make some drastic corrections sometime soon im going to be engaging differently than before #i don’t know what that looks like yet. bc i know there are people who still deserve the love #but it’s frustrating to see. i wish it wasn’t the case but if he wants to make this bed he can lay in it and deal w the concequences #i also apologize for wording this kind of vaguely I just don’t know how to be eloquent about it #but for clarity: im genuinely nauseated by the shit ronen has been posting #and I fucking hope he finds his sense but shit dude. #this isn’t about boohoo an actor I liked has bad views #it’s about having a moral fucking backbone and a shred of dignity and critical thought before spreading genocidal propaganda #to your massive audience #so #anyways #i felt like it was important to at least address my position bc silence is not an option with shit like this #and also it’s been making me feel physically unwell since I first saw it and i think I needed to get it off my chest lol #viva palestine. now and forever. no caveats. no ifs ands or buts #iinryer talk #also sorry for making this an all tags post but this isn’t up for discussion. so.

[randomcollection-o-stuff]

What are you smiling about?

Knuckles the Echidna

#knuckles #i am #unwell #i think about that end scene a lot #he is so fuckin cute #but also highly dangerous #like #love that funky dude #*sigh* anyway im in my sonic phase ig #ollie rambles #knuckles the echidna #sonic 2 #sonic the hedgehog #i cannot wait for the third #like genuinely #cant wait to see which path they take with shadow #hopefully.adventure 2 #duuude can you imagine super shadow in the theaters????? #random nonsense #me #sth

[etoilesbienne]

out of curiosity, what are the common qEtoiles mischaracterizations, and the accurate characterizations you wished people used more? Sincerely, an English speaking fan who is re-learning French!

honestly i kind of consider it a mischaracterization when people like... make etoiles into this team leader who always knows what to do and move things forward. or like that he has a bad attitude to like... match his fighting skills. or like the dark knight brooding warrior. he says he is these things. these are lies. he lies about himself constantly. i wouldnt trust a good 2/3 of the things he says about himself to be true. you read him clearer through his actions than his statements.

in my opinion etoiles is more like. sturdy second in command. he's not there to lead, he's there to fill in the holes where they pop up. he's there as cover. he's quick witted in shortchange scenarios, but that is so not the same thing as a genuine strategist. in another expression, if someone is a leader, the leader is a doctor, etoiles's role is more like... the EMS team in an ambulance. He's not there to fix your problem, he's there to keep your problem covered until you can get someone else to fully fix it. but that doesn't mean his role is any less important when he's needed.

Etoiles is also, like, so very much a team player if he respects and trusts a person. And it is so easy to have his respect and trust. His trust starts at 100% for everyone. he's also so very very very good at reading people (gesture to the bbh clip where bbh moves his mouse slightly downward and etoiles calls him out on being depressed). He read Mousey as enjoying dungeons and pvp way more and wanting to hang out with her. He's also one of the only people who like continuously runs in the girlies group and makes all of them pvp with him and they all love it so he keeps coming back to pvp with them. Thats how he started his whole thing with Tina and pvping with her constantly. Reading other people also, he loves finding other pvpers so he attacks roier constantly now bc he knows roier can pvp.

What else OH Etoiles loves whining (and this is because Rayou loves whining) that dude will just complain constantly. You haven't seen an etoiles stream if youve never seen him whine. Can't say I'm not kind of endeared by it. With this too he loves over explaining things (RIP armor powerpoint wish you couldve been given...) because he wants to help everyone....

OH and he's very over exaggerated too in replying to people in a complaining way and a self deprecating way and also likes to try to push the envelope with people and he does all of that to try and get a laugh out of others. like he's well aware people find him going "Oh so you don't give a shit about me and want me to die ? you want etoiles to die ?" fucking hilarious and also loves complaining in the first place thats why he does that. if your etoiles isn't complaining and whining then it isn't etoiles. the self deprecating thing is... its interesting bc he does have full faith in his abilities but will never say it out loud unless its trying to reassure someone who is worried. pushing the envelope is so specific he won't do it too much and its like........... from what ive seen (correct me if im wrong) heavily directed at non francophones where if they laugh at something wack he's done he'll try to do it again to make them laugh more. shoutout to the time he made bbh laugh so much when he cursed he didn't get languaged by bbh so he kept cursing to try to make bbh do it again. the dudes a total people pleaser.

smaller thing ive talked about extensively already (u can prob find it in my q!etoiles tag if i remember i'll edit a link to the posts in here soon lol) etoiles hates losing he looooooves winning he's very intense about it lol. its cute!

on a final note even if you don't become deeply unwell about etoiles like i am i think this highlight clip video has like everything he's like condensed into like 11 minutes. You should watch it. It's a good starting point.

#qsmp #q!etoiles #asks #hope this helps. Ahehe

[mellowdyverse]

maiiiii goodbye ive been thinking about sungchan SM lately WHY HAS HE BEEN LOOKING EXTRA EXTRA FINE nowadays i am genuinely unwell 😭😭💔 oh lord his arms are the size of my face jesus HIS FACE IS THERE ALL CUTE LOOKING and then u see those huge beefy arms what the shit

YOU R SO REAL FOR THIS LMAO-

bf sungchan hcs !!!!!!!!!!!

the size difference is everything !!

he will actually hide all your clothes just so you're forced to wear his (specifically t-shirts idk why..)

will sneak up behind you to scare your ass whenever ur doing something

leans on you and rests his arm on your head jus to tease u

literally attached to you like a leech... jk hes a cutie patootie

buys you things bc hes like "oh! __ would like that" or "this looks like __!!" LMAO

his contact on ur phone is "y/n🩷❤️💖💕💞💓💘💝💟‼️" while urs in like "sungchan( DONT RESPOND !! )"

the members r tired of hearing abt u bc all he does is talk abt u

the type of bf to tease u like he WILL catch u lacking

"hey babe why did you do-" "no sungchan. ur going back to the sm basement for another 3 years if u finish that sentence"

gets jealous easily but the type thats like "you'd really leave me for that piece of trash??" with a smug ass look like mb bro im jus tryna get our food..

gets hurt when u call him bro/dude-

BIGGG pda fan like to the point people wanna throw up ( but u love him <33)

the type of bf who doesnt get u flowers but the entire shop!!:p

rather gives meaningful gifts than expensive as he feels like its more deep yknow

matching everything. rings,necklaces with ur inital for him and his for u, hoodies, shoes, SOCKS!>?!?!?

is the type to shout in public that he has a gf and do pda if a girl asked for his number..

he'd look for a introvert s/o since he feels like they'd be funnier to tease

bsfs to lovers, or (one-sided) enemies to lovers

#💻; mai's writing #riize #jung sungchan #riize x reader #riize headcanons #sungchan #FOR U IRAA!!!🤝😼

[the-casbah-way]

i would sell my soul to get some of that dtl jedtavius domesticity. you can’t just tease me like this my dude -rivstyx

i genuinely do think i have an entire fic's worth of domestic lore in my head but here's just some of the things i think about a lot

jed making breakfast every morning and octavius insisting he doesn't want any because he's not a breakfast person, then ending up eating it all anyway and going 'jed :( im still hungry :(' and jed giving him half of his own breakfast because he deliberately made more than he can eat so he could give the extra to octavius

octavius being the sleepiest bastard on earth and constantly complaining about how tired he is, only to voluntarily wake up super early in the morning to drive jed to work whenever jed is too overstimulated to take the bus

we all know that jed sings everywhere he goes and octavius loves to listen but what about when octavius sings to himself really badly when he's not thinking about it and doesn't realise jed is paying attention. and jed just staring with literal heart eyes and octavius getting embarrassed when he notices

THEM SHARING EACH OTHER'S CLOTHES. I THINK ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY

jed leaving octavius little scraps of paper around the house with poems and lyrics he wrote about him and octavius having to try SO hard not to smile like a fucking idiot (especially when jed slips one into his brief case and he finds it at work and dexter is like 'why are you blushing' and octavius is like 'shut the fuck up')

octavius taking extra work home and stressing out about it and falling asleep on his keyboard with like five cups of coffee until jed carries him to bed and secretly goes back to correct any errors octavius made with the numbers because he was too tired to concentrate

them ranting CONSTANTLY about people they hate from work. and then when they go to work the next day jed will catch octavius' eye from across the room and do a terrible impression of said coworker and octavius has to try his best not to laugh

jed helping octavius shave because he's way less clumsy with it and saying shit like 'you have beautiful eyes' when they're right up close to each other and octavius telling him to shut up as if he's not flustered by it

jed reminding octavius to take his meds every morning, handing each pill to him one by one and going "...this one for your shitty kness...and this one for your migraines...' then handing him his antidepressant saying 'and this one for your beautiful brain' and giving him a little kiss on the forehead

octavius buying jed literally anything he ever needs without jed having to ask and telling jed that he's allowed to pay him back one day if it makes him more comfortable accepting the money

jed moving into octavius' house and bringing his dog with him. octavius having Very Mixed Feelings about it because he doesn't like dogs but then months later jed finds octavius asleep on the couch with his dog curled up beside him

just their blended friend group with al, ahk, tilly, larry and sacajawea and all the cute nights in and chaotic nights out they probably get up to (also jed and ahk teaming up to bully octavius constantly and al and tilly becoming the world's most unlikely besties)

i have so many more but i already made this way too long oops anyway im unwell about this au

#thank you sm for this ask this was fun #down then left

[bingobongobonko]

sighs. lancer. head in hands. 5 years. 5 months. til the world is essentially gone. im like. eyes wide. blinking. turns out the big bad, we fucking made it, it's a manmade horror actually. and now its playing god. im like. dude? im bad at articulation but. dude? and jeurgen fucking knew the whole time. like bro youre an asshjole. (i love u...) GENUINELY THE MOST SHIFT IVE SEEN OF ALL TIME. JEURGEN USED TO BE A SWEETHEART BUT HE REALIZED HE'S A XENOGLASS MONK. SO HES LIKE. BUUGJHH!?!?!?! HES SO FUCKED UP. HES SO FUCKED UP. GRITS MY TEETH. HE'S LIKE SUCH AN ASSHOLE NOW AND I REALLY THINK ITS COOL. OKAY SO im. LIKE. GUH? GUH????? HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. HE KNOWS TOO MUCH! OK SO JUST. GUH. so much to process but basically, the oracle??? WE made that. we made it in the past, it was essentially some weird hivemind consisting of nanites that could be used to fight wars without the actual people. and now its god. maybe? it claims to be god. im like. dude? we beat its apostle to death, funnily enough the revived corpse of the apostle that was killed in act 1. im fucking unwell. but it said to us like. We'll meet again. and frankly I HOPE THE FUCK NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! YOURE SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU NEARLY KILLED JEURGEN!!!!!!!!!!!! and technically its cronies almost killed yves so that was Ough. but yeah no mech. in actuality yves(?) was kind of paralyzed half the time in telly's mech, i say ? cuz that wasnt. really yves. hard to explain but no that wasnt yves really. still though. once the battle was over, full success, we just stood there as we received all of this info right. and telly's like full of screaming thru the comms, and yves(?) is like. hey god is fucking punishing us actually. this is god's punishment. and tellys like. no its fucking not shut up. also i know about your boyfriend. elias. and THE yves, THE current yves, goes fucking ballistic, all the rage and terror from before comes back at once and he fucking goes ballistic and tackles telly and fucking BEATS his shit in. just starts fucking punching him over and over again til people have to physically rip him off and fucking screams at telly to like. leave elias out of this. all of this while baron oze is just receiving the news from jeurgen - 5 years for bo. FIVE months for keedan. and its so fucked up to me. jeurgen knew. jeurgen knew for a very long time. he just didnt know that til recently. and thats so fucked. he knew all of this was going to happen. this WHOLE fucking time... but he did not remember..... how fucked is that. like actually. so im just like. man Okay. okay. this is fucked.

so yeah after that reveal, we just drag ourselves back to the hangar. we're fucked. got ferrofluids everywhere, telly's punched to fuck all, oils and shit, we just look like shit. and then we realize theres a man with darwil, guy just fucking LOSING his shit, pacing back and forth, just rambling his head off, and it isnt til he looks our way that yves realizes immediately it's elias, and elias makes a fucking beeline right for yves and actually. dude? fuck? oh. they just fucking grapple onto each other and they hug it out right there and yves is just whispering im sorry the whole time. he has never truly apologized for anything. he actually means it. im like. fuck. yk. dude? at that very moment everything else gets drowned out, cuz it just doesnt fucking matter to him. elias is right there, tears in his eyes, looking at him. just straight up starin at him. nothing fucking matters actually. just this right now. im like. picture of white guy with the red shirt grabbing his head and crying. Okay. youre telling me. pointing at yves. the guy who has only ever cared about himself and his own gains. actually feels something real for someone else, the first time in YEARS. okay. dude i doint even care. dude. whatever. actually. okay. whatever. yves would fucking KILL for this guy and im not joking. he already assaulted telly for even insinuating a talk with elias. like straight up. also telly still came up and was like. hey we need to talk. to elias and fucking yves gave him the most murderous stare............. bites my tongue. Yeah we had bit of a lancer moment today.

#fool's monologue

[bebebopbopp]

Zel

I have so much to tell you, oh link. Im home. She says smiling to him.

His eyebrows lift, his arms extend to her and she comes in for the hug. He hugs her tight, as if she could go forsake him once more. She lays her head on his chest and hears his heart rest. His breathing slowed and he sighs out some last form of relief. “You did well link” she said slightly muffled in the comfort of the hug.

He kisses her head, cushioned by her blonde hair. Their arms falter, zelda looks back into his eyes slightly flustered. “Oh-“.

Link’s neutral face is no longer contorted in the form of pressure. His blue eyes are as free as the sky he had once bathed in. His expression seems to speaks a million words as he is standing before her smiling radiantly. He is finally at peace.

Link bows and turns around. “L-link?”

He walks at a slow, fatigued pace. ”Where are you going?!” she says catching up with him.

He bobs his head towards Purah, the sages and the rest of the people. He mouths go, and continues to lift his lips into a smile. “But ur unwell and-“. He takes the Purah pad, presses the teleport button to Akkala and returns the pad to her hands. He smiles broadly once more and disappears into the blue threads.

Link had arrived at his house, he drops every piece of weaponry into the stash. Throws his item stash in a random room. He falters onto his bed, with a satisfied look on his face. He was in complete bliss. Turning the blue sky and sea into the tiniest dot, as his eyelids dwindle to a close.

All he needed was a slumber, the sizzling pain, the burning and bleeding on his body, it will cease in due time. But now all he needs is to be gone.

Zelda had spent time with the sages, with Purah. And a-lot of the people that aided in the ending of this calamity. She was happy, the life around her was bustling and the lively atmosphere had made her reminiscent of ages past. Thankfully Purah was a very attentive lending ear, as she was fascinated by the world of ages past. But zelda’s fascination had still been lying with link. To see him smile, genuinely. As if the deities had lifted all that had been put onto him, and shined their brilliant light onto his smile.

He deserves his rest, but that does not mean he is free from his wounds. She was reminded of that when the sages and people around her spoke of his heroic actions. The fight he put up with the demon king, the keeper of the sacred stone in the depths of death mountain and the zora palace. Defending gerudo town and kara kara bazaar from hordes of gibdo’s and their queen. An titan of ice and tornadoes. And not to mention the enemies and monster hordes he faced outside of these events. And most of them, alone. Her heart ached for his story. Not once but twice in the same lifetime has he had to put up with so much.

Link woke up, his dreams were of none but nightmares. He saw the pain and suffering all over again, how zelda’s tears had bren laid down the

//theory

But what about the eld ass hero? Like those ember things in ss, its the same as the secret stones!

How about the temple of sky in this game?

//dragon tear

He realized, he looked up into the sky, his eyes as wide as hers, he put it toghether one and one. His face crumpled up into fear of her being, sadness for her state and how scared she was. Ashamed he couldn’t safe her.

Tears fell down his cheeks. A loud roar ommited above him, the cirle he stood upon was akkala’s known spiral yet in this case the mysterious dragon had shown its true identity. Zelda. She lost her self.

Once the dragon passed by links expression faded,

he is seen from afar sinisterly as memories flood by of the centuries she had to endure, completely alone. All because of him, “Ganon Dorf..”

and soon his expression turns into pure anger and rage, link sets off fast, and starts sprinting up the hill as fast as he can, his head is just booming with her name zelda zelda zelda.

He runs by the akkala spring tower, and enters, pushing away the dude, and rushing the pad as he stands and flies up, with an determined look upon his face.

His height becomes him. He flies as high as she had set, and he came eye to eye with her dragon form.

“Return to me” he said… eyes narrowed in a pitiful yet lips begging manner as his eyebrows scrunched,

His eyebrows lifted up whence he saw a light, as he climbed upon her, he found himself eye to eye with the master sword..

He pulls, but it looks like it hurts her so he loosens and falls off her. As he falls, he just looks up, fazing ideas of impa, deku tree, the skyward sword temple. and said with narrowed eyes, “ill find a way”. As he turns his body and dives head first.

Bonus: Kept looking at her flying away, but i couldn’t just stand there and ran after her, my lil sister rooting me on to take the sky route so we did, and kept going at it till we could reach her and let me tell you it took a while.

#zelda #written piece

[fischyplier]

yo, im sure you've gotten a million asks abt the huniepop situation but I'd like to share a tangentially related thought if you'd be so kind:

please keep in mind that mark is... a person. he's just a dude playin games makin content. and it is inevitable, because humans do things like that, that he will fuck up in some way (such as this whole situation!) but this doesn't mean he's automatically a terrible, unredeemable person. it's an offensive and tasteless game, not an actual act of violence committed against another human being; anyone can make an offensive mistake out of accidental ignorace. and! more important to my message! it doesn't mean you're a horrible unredeemable person for enjoying his stuff. he's just a person and literally everyone fucks up.

i think this is a good time to take a step back and remember that parasocial relationships can make us feel good, and feel less alone in some respects, but if you're genuinely stressing about this situation, to the point that it's affecting your day to day mood and thoughts, you might want to step away from it for awhile. it's not healthy for you OR the creator to put so much stock into one person on the internet that you're emotionally unwell when they end up doing a very human fuckup.

which is not to say it's wrong to be frustrated about the issue! it's not wrong at all, it's understandable. but if you're genuinely, deeply stressed about it, please take a second to yourself. what i am saying that everyone should take care of themselves, and sometimes that means stepping away when you're too deep in something. lots of us have a habit of investing a lot of emotional stock in one place, like a youtuber, and while it helps in the short term, in the long term it can be very harmful.

anyways, i really hope you're doing alright, taking time for yourself, all that. have a great night everyone ✌️

I think after today, a lot of people need to step away from Tumblr. Thanks for the message!

#ask #anon #huniepop 2 #discourse #thanks for the ask! #like and/or reblog!

[yuissamidare]

you posting about undertale is making me so nostalgic!! who are your top 3 favourite characters from the game :3

is this a door u want to open.

1. TORIEL... TORIEL... T ORIEL i love her so much i have no words to describe her i just hhhmgh goat mom. also kris and chara r mommas babies i think that’s cute. i really like flawed women in media bc i have shit taste or w/e but a lot of ppl pointed out toriels hypocrisy in abandoning her people in her anger then saying how impossible Her plan of getting the human souls were and i agree! human souls linger but even if u find one from some1 recently deceased that’s still uuuuuuhhhh fucked up and i get that, but toriel deeply loved and imprinted on chara & you can tell from how she keeps chocolate in her house long after they died, and she even took their body to give them a proper burial. you can tell they spent a lot of time together bc in both versions chara mimics toriels speech patterns and that doesn’t happen overnight

 i don’t doubt that king fluffybuns loved chara, but all of his text made it seem as if he cared for chara as symbol or the coming of a prophecy rather than an actual child... he doesn’t even mention chara when he’s talking about how he wanted to see “his wife and child” not. children... then he declares war on humans as if chara wasn’t living with him and calling him dad and making him sweaters like........ tori really did love each and every human and you can tell. 

The additional canon dialogue where flowey states how hard it was for her to be by herself and how lonely she was and how it’s really implied the only reason she kept going was so she could give other humans a fighting chance at life and so they could live and i just hhhrjdjdkskksjsjsmamjzhzgxgsbsnsmnxbxgshsb. both her and sans r very similar in that they use humor as an escape mechanism for depression and it makes me really happy that she could find something else to live for in a world full of shallow affection an betrayal and it’s clear that sans felt the same way, and they were both good influences on each other seeing as how he moves in with her during the exiled queen ending then tells the player to fuck off forever or he goes to visit her every day in a route where she does and basically tells the player that he’s gonna fuck them up for killing her lmao. ngl i can’t watch any ut let’s play where ppl kill toriel it makes me physically unwell.

2. papyrus... listen papyrus is the funniest fucker in the game and he’s definitely the most enjoyable. sans is ok. he’s chill and nice 2 hang with but sans is most interesting in connection to other characters (papyrus & toriel specifically) he used to be no2 bc back in hs i studied quantum physics for fun and it was nice 2 see a chara i related to. but as u know I’m fucking tired of him and his face  due to fandom interpretation he’s dropped like a rock im sorry dude papyrus is leagues cooler than u sad angsty bitches r out of style and also toriel does it better papyrus has better puns. also **bangs on deltarunes door** give him back. GIVE HIM B

3. METTATON. other than the fact that he’s funny as fuck i love his relationship with alphys. i think it’s really nice how close they were and I think there used to be something really good there before that relationship fell apart like all of alphys’ relationships. mettaton himself is really interesting to me too bc of how genuine he is. sure he’s a bit of a self absorbed cunt but that’s apart of his charm and i act like that when I’m manic so who am I to judge. i really like that he built himself up from basically having nothing and his clear self doubt and dysphoria into getting a body that represents him and then growing confident. 

#hanabira #mbbbaf

[chiveburger]

did u see?? ptgs twt update??? with shaved jinho??????? because he looks so fucking cute and he told us to take care of ourselves and that he loves us and hes so fucking excited to be going into the military snd im gonna cry im so proud of him dude i fucking love this tiny funky kpop boy so much

okay, at risk of answering this ask too sadly I literally spent 15 minutes sitting in the basement crying over the members sending jinho off. I don’t know why I genuinely feel so upset, even though RATIONALLY it’s not like jinho appears every single day in front of the fans. It’s not like he’s part of my everyday life like he could go 6 months without posting on social media and I don’t think I would even notice, but the whole idea of pentagon members not being with him makes me feel so miserable. I think it’s also coupled with the fact that day6 members are feeling unwell, and everything else happening with the world and in my life I can’t help but feel tremendously down over everything. these two groups mean a lot of me and have given me comfort when I needed it the most, and to know that they’re both struggling at the moment makes the world grayer than it already is. people always say you shouldn’t care too much about celebrity lives, but they’re the ones who are having it the hardest right now, and my heart breaks in half thinking about it. I love pentagon and I love day6, I hope they’ll all stay healthy and happy.

#i cried so much like i have a headache #pentagon #day6 #Anonymous

[seaquestions]

sometimes i think 2 myself like. oh you just Tell yourself you have depression, you dont Actually have it, other people have it but you don’t, you’re not That sad, you’re not Really depressed, you’re just Lazy but like. i look back on 2018-2019 me and uhhh im Pretty sure that was a major depressive episode my dude. you dont need a degree to figure that out. heavy self-isolation, thoughts of hopelessness, oversleeping/undersleeping, loss of enthusiasm, and like. crying yourself to sleep all the time? im pretty damn sure i wasnt faking it. and like. when i got better i thought i was better for good but no it came back for a bit but like. i Get it, getting better isn’t exactly a linear path. and if i’m dipping into a low again now thats. thats normal. of Course im hitting a low, this is Extremely reminiscent of another very low period of my life, how could it Not trip me up? 

am i Just Lazy? i’ve been asking that my whole life. i’ve been calling myself that my whole life. i think about how i procrastinate, how i sometimes just sit around and accomplish nothing and think, yeah, idiot, you are lazy. but i also think about how well i was doing in my classes this year and how i was on top of my work and how much i Cared. could a lazy person care that much? i think i’m self-aware enough to know When i’m genuinely being lazy and when i’m genuinely just. unwell. me purposefully not doing any homework for high school math class was me being lazy. me agonising over not being able to finish an essay in time because i spent the whole weekend on the verge of tears is not.

it’s so funny to me. that my mom doesn’t know im depressed. at least not as far as i’m aware. i think she thinks this is just how i am, which, fair. i’ve been isolated since i was a little kid. i’ve never talked to my parents about anything. they’re always busy working; i don’t let myself cry in front of them. they’d be off working somewhere and i’d be awake in bed at 1am crying until my teeth feel like they’re going to fall out, then i go to sleep and when i see them during the day, its like nothing happened. i sat in front of my computer screen; never left the house; it was all taken in stride and yknow what? i get it. my mom was having a rough time too; she didnt want to stay in our old condo and i Get it. it’s fair. of Course she didn’t notice my mental health. i just think it’s silly is all. how much she loves me (genuinely, i know she loves me) and how much she knows me is so far apart. she loves me so much and doesn’t know me at all. she really doesnt know a thing about me. heh. maybe it’s my fault.

#incoherent turtle noises #negativity// #long post #oh this is. long and rambly. its 1am and im really laying it all out there huh. #But Also I'm Procrastinating on this letter translation i was asked to do lmao #reminder: delete tomorrow

[i-am-the-floor-goblin]

long one under the cut bois

So, Here’s the thing. I’ve had chronic pain for.... what? um. officially? a year and a half. Unofficially?... 5 years? Honestly? Probably since I was like 7 or someshit. When I was younger I used to struggle to sleep because of the pain in my knees. But no one really made a big deal about it so... I figured it was normal. And then my back started to really hurt... but I was also suicidal at the time so.. my doctor was very dismissive of anything but that. Even this crippling pain in my stomach that led me to drop out of school. So I figured it was normal.. And then for a couple of years I would try again sporadically and get generic “do more exercise and lose weight shit” to, and i shit you not, the girl with a fucking eating disorder. So, I didn’t go to the doctors again for a long, long time. probably about 4 years? Until my childhood friend was found dead in her dorm room. That triggered a depression and anxiety so profound it was the first time I ever agreed to go on antidepressants.  The first doctor I saw was an actual angel. He genuinely cared. I went back again I think a few months later? And she just threw meds at me. So many infact I still have some of them left a good 3 years later. So, naturally;  I didn’t go back. Flash forward to February 2019. My left knee was fucked. I could. Not. Walk. it hurt so badly all the time. Saw a paramedic at my surgery who legit gasped when he checked the mobility of my knee (this part of the story is important for later). It bent back so far he was legit just like “oh no”. So he gave me the good cush pain killers and a referral to a physio. My physio referral got lost. So I gave up. Until: August. I’m doing the dishes when a blinding pain shoots through my wrist. I could not move it, could not move my fingers without hot burning pain in my wrist. Could not even breathe. So, I went to the doctor because thats what you do when you’re in pain right? Dude didn’t even look at me. Asked me to put my hand flat on his desk. I couldn’t. So, he sent me to get blood tests for arthritis. While all this is going on mind, I was trying to ask my company to step down from a supervisor back to barista because I kept ‘hurting’ my shoulders while cashing up and the strain of carrying £800 in change every day back and forth from the safe to the office to cash up was killing my back and knees. Just keep that in mind. Blood tests came back.. Absolutely fine. The doctor who sees me cannot understand why that statement makes me cry. She was ready to send me on my merry way. So, with no explanation of what they are or what they’re for, she threw meds at me. I didn’t take them. Things get so bad and my pain is so extreme that I’m seriously starting to give up. Then, I remember the nice doctor from years ago. So I ask specifically to see him. God it was like a different dimension. He was like “oh that sounds like you’re subluxating your joints” and explained what the meds from the other lady were for and just really validated my feelings. Made me feel less crazy. Because sometimes you do feel crazy. I got re-referred to physio. After I casually wrote an incident report at work which is read by HR and my area manager, I amazingly went from being told there’s “just no way for me to step down” to demoted in about... a week? Physio goes really well. She was so lovely. I went every 2 to 3 weeks. I built up muscle really well. Learned that the way I hold myself will help keep my joints in place. It was a really validating experience. Both because she could recognize how fucked up my joints were and how gentle the exercises had to be to prevent me from just, breaking. And also because every time she’d tell me she could tell how hard I was working. That I really was trying and doing it.

Enter Covid.

so of course physio got canceled.

And the months go by. lockdown was fine. my hips subluxed during. so I had a few weeks of not really being very mobile, which was pretty scary since I live alone. But heyho. And then back to work. my body threw an almighty tantrum. I dislocated my big toe for one thing. But I didn’t work out that was what it was until after a “phone consultation” with the meanest physio ever. She basically told me I was delusional and to stop wasting her time. All because I told her “I think I may have subluxed my toe”. which probably would have gone over fine if it weren’t for the fact, I hadn’t had any kind of trauma to the area. I was in work, and one second I could stand and the next second? I could not put any weight on my right foot for fear of blinding pain. Sounds... uhhh familiar right? So I just... bought comfier work shoes and bandaged my foot as tight as I could.. and managed. I did end up calling the doctors again about 2 months later when the pain just. would. not. ease up. I still cant wear shoes that dont have really soft soles. So, I had more blood tests... that came back... FINE! BUT, Thats okay! Because the big appointment has finally arrived! The one my good doctor and my physio both told me would be the answer to all my prayers. Finally. I was going to a Rheumatologist! So my brother picked me up. Off we went to the hospital. I had to go in alone, because, you know.. covid. And I finally after a year of being on this waiting list, get called into the doctors office. At first it seems to be going okay. He’s taking notes, listening to my “story” (his words not mine). so then came the physical examination... where he made some bold claims. and then it was over. He sat me back down in his office and told me. “you dont have hypermobile joints, and theres nothing wrong with you”. Right? So, when I didn’t leave his office. He then backtracked and tried to throw “Chronic pain syndrome” at me. Bitch. Thats a fucking symptom not the cause. So, I still didn’t leave. So, this man deadass asks me what I think it is then. And so I was like “I dont know crazily thats why im here?????????????????” And he told me to go on GET THIS hypermobility forums online!!!!!!!!!!!!!! amd see what people on there recommend to help with pain and shit. He THEN asked me if I think I have fibromyalgia. Fam. Again. You are the doctor. I am a very sad 24 year old. And that was that. Bye. Peace out. Come back if you get any real symptoms. (No really he told me I was free to come back if I developed anything he could actually help with) So I walked out of his office. Back to the carpark where my brother was waiting. and then I cried. I cried so fucking hard man. it’s been 3 weeks and 3 days since that fucking day. I’ve stopped taking my meds. I dont eat. I haven’t had work this week so I haven’t left the house. Not once. I can’t even cry anymore. I’ve been depressed before and I’ve been suicidal before. But that was always grief fueled. Anxiety filled. This one hits different. I realized during lockdown I was depressed again. You know. The world is having a hard time atm. Throw in any extra struggles and its ripe for the old brain sads. But I am struggling to think of a time when I was ever this bad. Like. I am actually afraid of how unwell I am at the moment. And how unseriously my friends are taking it? And it hurts you know? Because a colleague of mine is having a hard time and my best friend is there for her... but not for me... and its just fucking with me even more because I for the first time in my god damn life. In the 13 years I’ve been depressed I reached out. I actually told the people who are supposed to care about me “Hey, im really not great atm” and they did exactly what I always knew they would. nothing. Thats not to say though, that my brother is like that. He is my ray of light. The only family I have. God. I would be so lost without him. But I just dont know what to do. I dont want to talk to some stranger over video call for “therapy” and I dont know if I’d be able to tell a doctor what’s wrong over the phone...and I am just so fucking lost. Covid is making this all so much harder. I just dont know what to do. I feel so lost. I needed to write this out though. Writing helps me clear my head.

#sammie being whiny #depression #suicide mention #chronic pain #A lot of shit #doctors fucking SUCK #im so sad fam #this is a long old write up of basically my life? #blahhhhhhhhhhhhh