#but dick has a lot of anxiety about losing people too

[silverwhittlingknife]

did nobody ask you for red letter day? absurd! *I* wanna know about red letter day!

hello captain and friend anon!!! I KNOW I HAVEN'T UPDATED THIS IN SIX MILLION YEARS SO THANK YOU FOR THESE ASKS <333

okay SO the first thing is, you have to understand, my list of documents for this fic looks like this:

anyway i do love this fic even though it FIGHTS ME; it's supposed to have both Fights and Mysteries and both are hard to write 😅

anyway hmmm i'm going to cheat by including a Dick POV section that I am probably gonna end up cutting, because i like it but i also worry that it slows down the dialogue?

excerpt below the cut! the only context that you need is that Dick and Tim have been having the "should Tim call if there's danger in Gotham" argument again (Tim's position is "no"), partly because they both have genuine positions on this argument, but also because it enables them to sublimate an emotional conflict into a work conflict and thus avoid talking or thinking about their feelings, which is a shared pathology goal:

Dick would bet Tim never mouthed off to Bruce like this.  One of the many things that suck about being the knock-off Batman is that none of Dick’s orders really stick.  All of the responsibility without the authority to back it up.  At least when Dick was leading the Titans, they did what he freaking told them. …Mostly. …Okay, sometimes. The awful truth is—and he tries not to dwell on it because it’s pointless and doesn’t achieve anything, but—everything with Tim, sometimes it reminds him of the worst times with the Titans.  The same uneasy feeling of dread, like he’s grabbing for someone who’s slipping through his fingers.  Roy’s crossed arms.  The clock creeping toward midnight, staring at the champagne, knowing in his heart that Kory wasn’t coming.  After Tartarus: watching Roy walk out of the room, watching Donna follow him, staring at Vic’s back, Kory’s back, all of them walking out, and no one left but the newcomers.  When the personal is so fucked up that all you can do is double-down on the professional, and even that doesn’t help, and then— (Get a grip, Grayson.) And anyway, this isn’t like the Titans, is it?  Dick was out-of-line, there, in retrospect. He’s never been good at losing people gracefully.  Pushing Kory for marriage when she was already pulling away, trying to cling to her instead of letting her go.  Giving ultimatums after Tartarus, when he knew the team already resented his orders.  Making decisions behind Vic’s back, trying to force him to stay.  It’s an ugly bad habit, picked up from Bruce: things are slipping, and your people are mad at you, so you get scared, and then you get authoritative and controlling so you can hang onto them, except you can’t control them, so then they get even angrier and you lose them anyway.   It’s easy to see in Bruce, hard to see in himself, but he knows it’s there.  He barely managed to catch himself in time, with the Titans.   Is he doing the same thing to Tim?  Does he need to back off? But Gotham is risky.  Tim’s always been capable, obviously, but…it’s okay to be a bit authoritative, isn’t it?  Tim should call if there’s someone who looks unusually dangerous.  That’s just common sense.  Dick’s not asking for miracles, here.

#general unreliable narrator warning sdfsdfsd #dick. honey. kory needed space after being tortured + that was not your fault or the result of your choices actually #anyway i'm so torn because on the one hand i feel like this is worryingly close to info-dumping in a way i don't like #and i also worry that it's not giving enough context for someone who's not familiar with the comic references #but at the same time mmm okay this isn't the main point of this or anything #but part of what i find so appealing about the dick + tim conflict #is its potential to interact with their different types of abandonment issues #i feel like tim's abandonment issues generally have enough play in fandom that i don't have to spend a lot of time establishing them #whereas most dick-centric fics tend to focus on other aspects of his character #but dick has a lot of anxiety about losing people too #like. it's complicated bc he doesn't process it or narrate it to himself in quite the same ways that tim does #but it's very much an underlying anxiety imo

[sunshiline-writes]

So let’s talk about POTS syndrome for a second yeah? There is a common misconception that this is just a “uwu fainting disease” and I really seriously need combat this idea lol.

I have diagnosed POTS syndrome. Yes I have fainted before. But it doesn’t happen as much as you think. In fact in the 3 years I’ve been diagnosed I’ve only ever fainted twice. Most of my symptoms include, sweating profusely, fatigue easily, heart palpitations, over heating/getting cold easily, getting dizzy, nausea, blurry vision, chest pain, shortness of breath, anxiety and stress. Sometimes I just feel really sick. My toes turn purple sometimes. I can run a mile sometimes and be fine, but some days walking to my bathroom without my cane is a struggle.

I have good days and bad days. But this is a disease that had genuinely ruined my life for a time. I couldn’t do anything when I first started showing symptoms. I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without wanting to keel over. Forget classes, forget doing sports. Or exercising. I literally built myself up from ground zero.

I might seem pretty healthy? But honestly? I still have as needed mobility aid to help me get around so I don’t get too tired and over exert myself. I have to stay hydrated or else my symptoms will kill Me. If I skip a meal? Oh yeah I’m done for. I take steroids to keep my blood pressure up. I take these steroids once in the morning and once before any strenuous activities. I was on heart medication for a time. There is no cure for this. It’s an entire lifestyle change. Everything is affected, your nervous system, your brain, your blood, skin, anything you can think of, there is a POTS symptom for.

Like this disease genuinely ruined my life and I had restart from scratch. I have only recently been okay and starting to do more. But i still have bad days.

This isn’t just some random fainting thing that is really cute. And honestly it does make me angry to see it wrongly portrayed in media. Because this genuinely upheaved my life and I had to quit a lot of stuff so I could be healthy. If you’re going to write a character with POTS. Do your research, know how this actually affects people. Because it’s not some silly little disease that people can use to just.. create a good whumpy scenario.

It’s a fucking struggle and I hate having it. I’ve had to shape my life around it. It’s not just fainting. It’s feeling like your body is going implode, feeling like you might die. Pardon sounding like a dick, but if you’re going to write a character with POTS do it right.

Sorry this is a rant and I might lose some followers for it. I just.. it’s something I feel passionate about. And it’s something that has genuinely affected my quality of life.

If you have questions or want to know more. Feel free to ask. But don’t talk to me if you’re just going to argue or berate me for anything I’ve said here. Thanks.

#pots syndrome #not whump #misconceptions #sunshinetalks

[melonlthawne]

Here’s some babian headcanons to quell my anxiety. Bart girlies scroll on but be warned they’ll probably be tons of baby Bart stuff tomorrow as I cope with whatever my exam score is-

This is in no particular order I’m just vibing.

Very obviously babian is extremely attached to dick. He needs to be around dick constantly and if he has to be away from his bro for too long there will definitely be crying/a meltdown/ damian probably trying to fight and or sway anyone who tries to pry him away from dick. Dick finds it sweet, funny, and a little worrying all at once. But no one wants to deal with an enraged baby with the worst stink eye imaginable so everyone just tries to prevent them from being seperated. It’s just easier that way

Damian sort of enjoys being around everyone else. He’ll deal with Bruce. No real reaction either way with Jason, Steph, duke, cass. Alfred and Talia get more love than the others but not as much as dick. Tim is……Tolerated. It would probably depend on Damian’s mood . Which, likely is easy to agitate

Bat glare and bat pout are hard to resist!!!

Batfam would get him only the most precious stupid little outfits usually Nightwing/Batman/Robin themed but also maybe lord of animal ones too like cats!! Alfred would probably try to get babian in one of those dumb little baby suits that have no real purpose besides looking cute. They take a photo of it and it’s just hung on the fridge!

If dick goes in one direction and puts damian down for a moment damian will follow. Limited movement be damned that little guy will go as fast as he can so he can make himself known to dick again and/or attach himself to his leg with as much dexterity as possible . So not much but he’s trying

The idea of Bruce taking damain with him to some sort of meeting is also very funny and super cute. Just Bruce sitting in a meeting room surrounded by people with papers and tablets talking about finances and business garbage while there is a little baby in Bruce’s arms (the little suit comes in handy) who is just Glaring at people. He is the boss. The boss baby

Damian would lose it at the zoo. Dick has no restraint and cannot say no so they leave the gift shop with one of those impractical giant lion plushes that is like lifesized and Damian insists on sleeping with it .

Dick n Dami sleep together a lot !!! Most of the time dick will just do whatever tasks he’s doing to bide time and just lets Dami hang with him since it’s harmless.

Ugh just the family going on stupid trips with babian…..

Talia visits or more like sneaks in to just hang out with her baby boy!!! Gives him a (plush) sword since he can’t have his actual sword. Probably sings to him.

Tim gets kicked in the face by babian whenever the unfortunate situation ensues in Tim having to watch or take care of him for some time. Damian chooses violence!

Anyway these are all over the place I’m exhausted and very baby fever-y have a nice night

#damian wayne #damian wayne al ghul #dick grayson #richard grayson #nightwing #Batman #batman and robin #bruce wayne #Tim drake #talia al ghul #baby damian wayne #batfam #batfamily #Robin #red robin #batkids #bat family #robin rambles

[lacrimosathedark]

Who wants trauma headcanons? :D

Bruce taught every Robin and Batgirl how to properly use a gun as well as ways to counter it. The base of all of their costumes are specifically reinforced against bullets. He updates them for every major attempt on their lives. From the start, Dick’s palms were reinforced against corrosive materials. After Babs was shot, he made Jason’s cape and spinal protection stronger. After Jason died, Tim’s costume was reinforced for blunt trauma and fire retardant. After Steph got “killed”, he actively left his plans available for Tim’s scrutiny. After Damian was run through, his next costume was reinforced for piercing damage.

The only time Bruce sets his One Rule aside is in the near aftermath of losing someone important, examples being when he nearly killed the Joker after he killed Jason and when he left KGBeast to die after he shot Dick. He would do that for any of his kids, and he’s as terrified of doing it as he is of not.

Kate gets anxious around mirrors. They remind her of her mother. They remind her of her sister and the games they used to play. They make her feel alone when she knows she’s not.

Dick is incredibly attentive and actively afraid of his own anger. After losing Jason, and not knowing in part because of his own distance with Bruce, he actively clings to his family so he doesn’t lose that chance again. This is part of why his adopted Tim as his brother so fast, and was willing to give Damian so many chances despite being a Huge Prick.

Dick was re-traumatized by Tim nearly falling to his demise, and now if any of his siblings exhibit the slightest emotional distress, he gets anxious about letting them out alone in costume. He’s terrified he won’t be there to catch them.

Dick finds the smell of rain, even in putrid areas of Gotham and Bludhaven, soothing. Until it’s mixed with the scent of blood and/or sweat, which actively puts him on edge. Especially at night. He has to actively focus on what’s going on or else he might freeze up.

While Dick actively enjoys how clearly people find him attractive and likes to have fun with it, he is a bit sex-averse, and any unexpected attention has him momentarily panic, or at the very least extremely uncomfortable. He hates when people lay their hands on him in a sexual way infinitely more than them actively assaulting him. He’s been taught how to handle clear violence.

Babs has an instant reaction of fear followed by anger every time she hears someone at the door. Sometimes intense menstrual pain gives her similar feelings and flashbacks. During these time, she specifically keeps an eye on her father, Bruce, and Jason.

She watches so much surveillance footage because she’s not as effective on foot anymore but needs to have everyone’s backs. She trusts Cass and Steph to act in her place, but she still hates having to be on the sidelines.

Jason and Tim don’t like anything close to their neck. Jason scratches at his neck when he’s got too much irritable energy, especially directed at Bruce. Roy and Artemis definitely notice and try to distract him.

Jason has adapted to explosives and loves them the same way he does morbid jokes, but certain sounds, like thick metal on cement, can set him off.

Jason get noticeably anxious around people who are actively intoxicated or severely ill. His anxiety usually manifests as aggression, which tries to direct appropriately, but it’s a struggle.

Tim immediately dissociates/numbs when confronted with a scene with lots of pooling blood. He has enough practice working through practically anything, he can push how he feels aside to work. But once he’s alone, he loses it. Only Bruce and Dick know.

After No Man’s Land, and even more so when Tim lost his fucking spleen, everyone gets anxious whenever Tim seems the slightest bit sick. Tim also gets incredibly nervous, but is able to put up a front for everyone else.

Cassandra often feels the need to check in with Tim--they know things about each other no one else knows and share quite a bit of trouble. And Tim was always there for her even when she was at her worst. He’s always been safe for her.

Cass sometimes talks aloud to Stephanie when she isn’t there, or when she’s sleeping. Stephanie has walked in or woken up to it a few times. She usually plays it off to smooth it over, but makes sure to check in with her later and give her lots of hugs and remind her she’s still there.

Jason, Cass, and Stephanie are all sensitive to child victims, and become very cautious around them.

Stephanie reflexively grimaces any time she sees any kind of black skull; shirt decals, jewelry, tattoos, her face scrunches up without any intent.

Stephanie is both the best and worst at handling victims who are young parents or have young children. She can empathize better than anyone, but it usually leaves her shaken. Tim, and sometimes Cass, are the only ones who can comfort her.

Steph has a love/hate thing for fighting the Riddler. On one hand, he reminds her of her father, and she is actively kicking his ass. On the other, he is much better than her father and usually less malicious (and actively wants to be noticed most of the time). She gets really pent up and ends up beating the shit out of his goons a bit harder than she should.

Damian hates the Bat Cave. He already felt resentment for the dinosaur almost killing him, and he loathes the case holding Jason’s case because he has come to find the epithet cold, and on a bad day all he can see is Tim lying among broken glass. After Bane killed Alfred, he could hardly stand being there for a minute.

Tim and Damian hate Time Shenanigans. Tim always sees the worst of himself and everything he’s ever lost, and Damian feels like it takes people away from him.

Duke sometimes flinches when he hears people laugh. He doesn’t mean to, but if it sounds a bit too unhinged, he can’t seem to help it.

#DC Comics #Batman #Bat Family #Bruce Wayne #Kate Kane #Dick Grayson #Barbara Gordon #Jason Todd #Tim Drake #Cassandra Cain #Stephanie Brown #Damian Wayne #Duke Thomas

[murdererofthumbs]

I find it fascinating that some people think that Roman’s mountain top outburst with Matsson was a fucking business strategy, that it was actually a negotiation tactic. I’m sorry, but did we watch the same scene? Not only did Matsson fuck them over by giving an offer the board absolutely won’t refuse (which shits right on the genius master plan of Kendall taking over Waystar - yet again, for what?), he also pretty clearly blew his lid off. Is revealing all the ways they planned to fuck the deal supposed to be this amazing tactic? Absolutely not. He lost it, it was a culmination of all the grief, all the anxiety, and all the anger at Matsson for dragging them up there days after their father died, and he just fucking erupted. Comparing him to Logan in that moment only matches if you think about Logan fucking losing it and making a stupid decision because he lost his tempter (like his little tantrum after PGN went to shit). I feel like in their world, you’re either an emotional wall or you lose, that’s it. No cards on the table, because you can’t manipulate someone if not only they can clearly see through you, but you also just come out with unhinged monologue, revealing everything (which I’m happy that Roman did it, he needed that catharsis, but also - not a good business move overall). Lucas was not intimidated by Roman, he was amused, he threw more money at them to solidify the deal, because he saw an emotional value ATM holds for them. That’s what the picture from Shiv was about, that was his one big fuck you. In the end of the day, it is a big dick competition.

I also saw some interesting (if only questionable) opinions on Shiv - Matsson stuff. Like yeah, I think girlie was definitely winning this episode, especially when you had her brothers as a comparison, who just stood there with dicks in their hands, looking absolutely clueless half of the time. At this point what is going on between Shiv and Matsson could be considered a mutual symbiosis; they are kind of like two parasites feeding of each other, playing each other off but to the benefit of both of them. But this cannot be long-term, we all know how things go - the closer you get to the sun, the more painful the fall is going to be. Matsson getting Shiv on his side (with quite a lot of enthusiasm on Shiv’s side, she did try to play her own angle all along), is a very easy way of getting himself an insider to the company. It’s also very easy way to take care of Kendall and Roman problem. Shiv has a motivation to stab her brothers in the back, she can sense that she is not being included, and she can very clearly see that her brothers are actually incompetent and don’t have a plan. Which means that Matsson going with “you remind me of your dad” was an extremely good move on his side. It solidified it for Shiv, it literally lifted her of the ground. Because everyone with a pair of working eyes can see that Roy siblings cling to Logan like he’s a raft, and all they want to do is either make daddy proud or be like daddy. For Shiv it’s a compliment of a highest standard to be compared to Logan, because Logan was the big boss, because in the end of the day - Logan always won. They are still playing the same old game, and I’m worrying that it’s about to bring the same results it always brought, just from a different person.

Then again, obviously this show is very highly open to interpretations and I might possibly be giving a bit too much credit to Matsson (in the end of the day he might turn up to be a complete idiot, business-wise, although I doubt it), but that was my overall read on the last episode.

#roman roy #they have no fucking clue what they’re doing #especially ken and roman #i think they are all very clearly getting played by matsson #and its about to turn into a fucking bloodbath #where they stab each other and bring the whole family to ruins #succession #kendall roy #succession hbo #shiv roy #logan roy #lucas matsson #marta rumbles poetically

[alwaysmicado]

(You know in your hearts what happened, I know it)

-

awww god damn it.. Joel definitely fucked her then 😂😭

I know they’re not exclusive or anything and he had every right to go on a date and do whatever he wants but bro, my heart 😭😭 like the other person said, knowing how shitty the reader was feeling, sobbing to Tommy over the phone while having to bandage her own hand bc nobody else was there… and he was with another woman 🥺 ouchie. Just ouchie! 😂 (AAAAND! literally only hours after he was with reader too. Like dude! hope you washed your dick Joel, ew.)

And just so I got it right, Jan from the last chapter is the same woman he went on a date with, right?

I know after everything in the last chapter they might finally be able to actually talk to each other and communicate and hopefully work things out but this still makes me sad. Joel saying reader can always call him for anything at anytime (which btw bro.. really. So if reader called while he’s balls deep in another woman he would just pick up? lmao) and reader feeling like she can’t call Joel for anything at anytime… 🥺😭

I saw another ask saying something and I agree so much! That while Joel does have every right to do whatever he wants bc they’re not dating, this definitely didn’t make reader feel like his feelings are actually genuine. Like, how is she supposed to believe he actually cares as much as he says he does when he then turns around and does this kinda stuff? That just basically confirmed all her insecurities and anxiety. Poor girl!

Still holding out hope he didn’t do anything but it’s like…. 1% left 😂 I’m sure it will eventually come out what exactly happened because I’m sure a serious talk between them is gonna happen eventually! And after the bar and seeing Joel with Jan and the mirror punch, I don’t think reader would be able to just let it go.

IM SORRY for rambling. I love this story and I have way too many thoughts and feelings and ugh. I get too invested lmao!

awww god damn it.. Joel definitely fucked her then 😂😭

But have you considered that I might just be messing with you for fun?

Like dude! hope you washed your dick Joel, ew.

lmao you just made my day!! (and I thought the same thing hahaha 😂😂)

And just so I got it right, Jan from the last chapter is the same woman he went on a date with, right?

Exactly. She's Tommy's age and has an adult daughter.

Joel saying reader can always call him for anything at anytime (which btw bro.. really. So if reader called while he’s balls deep in another woman he would just pick up? lmao) and reader feeling like she can’t call Joel for anything at anytime… 🥺😭

Very interesting (and kinda funny) thought 🤔. And yeah, that's exactly what reader is thinking!!

Like, how is she supposed to believe he actually cares as much as he says he does when he then turns around and does this kinda stuff? That just basically confirmed all her insecurities and anxiety. Poor girl!

Reader is convinced he's sleeping with Jan due to her insecurities (Simon & Laura 😑) plus her experiences with guys cheating on ther wives/gfs with her, like you said. But it's still very much possible that she's jumping to conclusions here because she's so disillusioned and just assumes the worst to preemtively protect herself from unpleasant surprises.

And the fact that she sees disappointment in Joel's eyes and assumes he'll leave her when he's literally just worried and continuously tried to reach her says a lot about how her view of herself and the people around her is very much shaped by her insecurity...

And after the bar and seeing Joel with Jan and the mirror punch, I don’t think reader would be able to just let it go.

Reader's MO for the past few years has been to cut and run when she starts feeling attached. She kept Joel at arm's length for a few months, but there's just something about him that made her feel safe enough to let herself fall a bit.

I think that this unexpected possibility of losing him suddenly, has opened her eyes to how much she actually cares about him and that she's in far deeper than she wants to admit.

But she did admit it and now I don't think either of them would be able to just let it go.

IM SORRY for rambling. I love this story and I have way too many thoughts and feelings and ugh. I get too invested lmao!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE SORRY?? I loooove that you're invested and have thoughts and feelings you want to share!!! 😍😍😍 Thank you so much for this message, your insight is amazing!! 🤍

#ask #fwb!joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x reader #series: you wanted this #fic: sunshine #you're amazing!!

[rookiesbookies]

Tim headcanons:

- Tim has austism, adhd, and gifted IQ. None of this was diagnosed until after he met Bruce.

- Batman was one of his hyper fixations.

- Tim is very insensitive about his mental handicapablities.

- “as the resident retard-“ *cue a horrified Bruce face in the middle of a JL meeting*

- “Tim you’re not retarded,” Bruce sighs.

- “Then im ‘special’. Whatever word floats your boat. Im THE TimTard ™️”

- he lovingly got the name “Timtard” after he said this.

- Jason most often says it in a loving way cuz it annoys the fuck out of Bruce.

- Tim was shot in the throat (I dont remember what comic I just remember it happening)

- Tim’s throat now sometimes gives him trouble

- there’s a very bullet sized scar on his throat and a very exit wound sized scar on the back of his next

- sometimes his voice will say “NOPE” when he’s over worked himself or his anxiety gets to be too bad and it loses the ability to talk.

- tim, as an adult, is the smallest of all his siblings, even smaller than Dick who I cannon as like 5’9” (which isnt actually that small cuz like my situationship is 5’9”/5’10” and Im 5’4” and he still towers over me)

- Tim is 5’6” and 130 lbs

- Tim does not like being reminded he is 5’6”

- Jason will literally just pick him up and move him if he’s in his spot.

- in a “DROP YOUR WEAPON. Now kick it” situation I whole heartedly believe that Tim has deadass told Jason or Bruce to throw him at the enemy.

- Bruce did not.

- Jason absolutely does it every chance he can

- It’s basically “Get Help” form Ragnorok.

- Jason tried to get Dick to do it once

- Dick did not agree. Bruce does not like this either.

- “Throwing your brother is not a viable form of combat.”

- “AS THE RESIDENT RETARD-“

- Bruce was not amused.

- I believe that Tim is in therapy with Black Canary.

- I believe he started it after the Joker brainwashed him. The mental scars were too much and he was so emotionally broken after he needed help.

- Tim keeps files on EVERYTHING. From teammates to the food stocked in Mount Justice

- now sometimes it comes in handy. He can give a three day threshold on when they will runout of food items. He’s calculated everything out, keeps the budget, does who uses the most of what, etc.

- however he also keeps files on people.

- he has the height, weigh, powers, physical appearance and attributes, skill sets, emotional states and triggers, mental disorders/illnesses, personality, history, weaknesses, strengths, etc all written down.

- its all locked down on a thumb drive with LOTS of complex encryptions he designed himself.

- it’s usually kept in the batcave in a safe hidden in a stalagmite with an encrypted lock with batfamily dna needed to access.

- he’s very serious about it.

Let me know what you want to see next or who you want head-cannons for. If yall have something to add or something interesting I missed I’d love to hear it.

#dc #dc comics #batfam #tim drake #tim drake robin #robin #batman #nightwing #redhood #red robin

[ahiddenpath]

Spoons

One of my closest friends is far wiser than me, but I am wise enough to know when I should listen, even when what she tells me is difficult to hear. Especially when it's difficult to hear, maybe.

I'm going to share what she told me today with you, if you're interested.

I'm burnt out. Mega ultra super duper burnt out. I told my friend that I spent today, Saturday, one of my few and precious days off, in a haze of nothingness. I slept for 9.5 hr last night and somehow woke up, drank a coffee, and went back to sleep for another 1.5 hr?!?!?! I proceeded to do some light cleaning, followed by dicking around on the internet (aka nothing). At some point, realizing that this is depressive behavior, I contacted my friend for advice and explained what was going on.

We talked about burn out. I have diagnosed anxiety, and the same friend (who is autistic) has gently broached to me that I am also likely autistic. I have not been tested yet- there's part of me that is loathe to admit having another thing going on (I joked to my friend that I'm out of condition/status slots, but I don't think she was impressed, lmao!). So far, I'm trying not to worry about the possible autism, but instead put my energy towards managing my stimulation issues. My stimulation threshold is very low, and I especially struggle with audio stimulation, to the point where I can lose the ability to interpret sound under some conditions (I hear it just fine, but I can't process it). I've been carrying my loop earplugs everywhere.

(By the way, the earplugs are lowkey lifechanging and I'm highkey mad about it. The anxiety wasn't enough?!?!! I've got other shit going on?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I COULD HAVE BEEN MANAGING WHATEVER THE HELL AUDIO CONDITION I HAVE MY WHOLE LIFE WITH A PAIR OF EARPLUGS!?!?!?! God damn it! Etc, etc.)

So, I was talking about how stressful my biotech job is, but also pointing out that I do work a 40 hour week. Lots of people work a lot more than that. I should be managing. Right? My friend said, "Darling, everyone has a certain number of spoons. You have anxiety and possibly autism. That means you are minus spoons compared to someone without those, and there are people with fewer spoons than you, too. Now. Walk me through how you felt when your coworker assigned you work and asked for updates on that work before you even received the proteins to work on."

So, I told her how I felt. Panicked. How can I do the work without the proteins to work on? Angry! HOW CAN I DO THE WORK WITHOUT THE PROTEINS TO WORK ON! Stress, stress, stress. And you know what my friend said?

"I guarantee you that most of your colleagues would roll their eyes, give a cursory email response, and calmly go about their work day. You spent too many spoons on your panic, when you're already using a lot of spoons to do the work. And now, you're trying to spend MORE of your limited spoons fretting that you're less than for having fewer spoons than a neurotypical person/a person without mood disorders. The work itself only costs so many spoons. It's your reactions that cost more, and lead you to burnout."

Thanks, friend. Great talk. Love you, too.

Except that I actually do hear her and love her, and appreciate the hell out of her for telling me this. She moved the conversation along after this, probably because she hates doing therapy for people, and I know I got this much because she loves me so much. And also, she probably needs her spoons for other shit. She's got autism, man. It's not easy.

So anyway, I'm going to try to accept that I only have so many spoons, and also that I can't afford to waste them on feeling less than, and on my coworker's shenanigans. I'll try my best, but. It sure isn't easy, is it?

I would like to purchase some spoons, please, lmao!!!

#hidden's life #spoon theory

[runthepockets]

I kinda hate people framing transmasculinity as....idk. Those virgin vs chad memes where the cis dude is the skinny little guy who's got reserves about listening to girly pop music, while the trans guy is the big buff dude going "I have Brittney Spear's name tattooed across my chest AND I'm wearing women's panties cus I'm just SO NATURALLY confident in my HARD EARNED MASCULINITY" like I'm sorry but the fact that I had to jump through so many hoops to be who I am has left me with a lot of scarring. I'm not going to lie to you. Being trans is hard fucking work. I know nobody wants to hear it cus men are supposed to be the "easier" gender and being queer is supposed to be the "fun" and superior alternative to tradition, but I do have a lot of hangups. I'm sensitive to certain words and phrases. Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is widely recognized as a classic, one that I've talked to numerous black men about both irl and online, and I still have reserves about owning it because it's so "girly". I'm more likely to burn a dress than wear it. I have a lot more sympathy for men of all backgrounds now that I pass as one pretty regularly, and feel myself relating less and less to people that don't. I regularly wish my dick was bigger. I still find myself wishing I was more handsome, that I had bigger muscles, that my voice was deeper, that I was a couple inches taller. I have a head like a goddamn disco ball and sometimes get too bent out of shape over things that seem really small to most. Sometimes I have to get really drunk or high before I really let myself feel my feelings rather than compulsively intellectualize them. And even though I would never hold another man to the same standards I hold myself to, I still find myself incapable of crossing certain lines. I wish I could live in that perfect world where all my problems got solved just cus I changed my pronouns and started hormones, but I don't.

That said: I don't think I'd trade it for the world. I love being a man. I love that my anxieties and hangups are more congruent to that of the average joe than anyone else. I love when other men trust me enough to ask me for help. I love that women feel anxious about my silence during our shared time together, and when they finally get me to open up I admit "I was just thinking about whether or not a chimpanzee with a broadsword would win or lose against a snowmonkey with a katana" and feeling the tensity in the air fade and feeling her posture relax when she realizes I'm just another well meaning doofus. I love that my working class masculinity lends to me being more bold and ambitious and outspoken and innovative than that of your typical Wall Street dirtbag or even your average 9-5 middle class faux-intellectual. I love the way little black boys wave at me in public, just instinctively knowing I'm no different than their brothers and fathers. I love that an episode of a prime time family sitcom had an older black woman sitting down with a younger black man and telling him "Working here at Abbott as a young Black man, you are in a unique position. You are also at a crossroads; your students can either fear you or they can respect you. Can’t have both." and I immediately understood and adapted the mindset into my daily life.

Being trans to me isn't so much about having it easier, it's about still having issues-- sometimes even more than before-- but having the energy, courage, foresight, and resources to be able to deal with them this time around. Life is all ups and downs, never all of one or the other, and how committed you are personally to the entire ordeal is entirely up to you.

#gender diaries

[vee-crytraps]

Can we get to know more about y/n? Any past relationships, does she play any sports at school etc… unless you are saving that information for the story then carry on🤭🤭

Oooh this is a good question! TYSM for asking! So, first, I don't think I'll include any of this in the stories (we'll see!) bc the reader is a civilian, which means that most of their school/personal life won't involve any known characters. I always get nervous adding OCs to these stories because most people are reading for the batboys obvs. Even if y/n is interested in someone who is a vigilante/villain and she doesn't know it, Bruce and the rest of the fam are on top of keeping them out of her lives. However! I do have some ideas about what her life looks like outside of the bat fam under the cut!

School Y/n, even though she's adopted, is still considered Bruce's daughter. She's the richest girl in Gotham, even among the kids at the academy. She's popular by nature and often gets a lot of invites to parties and events. She doesn't usually accept those invites because a lot of these events are unsupervised, and she's afraid of scandal. Y/n gets good grades. Whether or not she's a total academic superstar/genius is up to you, but she's an A-/B+ student at least. She's not out fighting crime so Bruce is really strict about her doing her homework and having things completed. Dick was a C student when he was in school, Jason and Tim are dropouts, and Damian doesn't do any homework. Even though they're all smart, you can't always pass by acing your tests. Especially if you're absent for some of those, too. Bruce is on her back about going to college and stuff, since he's grooming her to be in charge of the family's image if that makes sense? He just needs one kid to be normal and show up to things tbh She's for sure got extracurriculars. Not being a superhero means she has a lot of free time! The specifics are up to you! -if she's academically inclined, she's probably in debate or robotics -if she's socially inclined, she'll be in student government or prom court -if neither of those are appealing, she could do some volunteering, although you will pretty much always have to run it by Bruce and he'd make Damian go with you. Damian is a good guy but he is pretty abrasive and a little socially inept. He'll end up making some people uncomfortable in the process which is kind of antithetical to the gesture haha Relationships Y/n has had one or two relationships, but they were undoubtably somewhat juvenile. Going to diners/getting ice cream/walks in the park/carnival dates. They wouldn't have spent much time alone in private. I think Y/n has fooled around with these partners but not often/ has not had penetrative sex until Silas. She has a lot of anxiety over being a young woman in this setting, and has probably witnessed a lot of her more notable female classmates being shamed for sexual promiscuity in gossip rags or like online. I feel like y/n probably saw a few of those creepy 'countdown to her 18th birthday' things for herself when she was 14/15 and ever since then has been hyper aware that whoever she ends up dating/having sex with could have some incentive to publicize it. Which is socially fine if you're a dude, but can be damning for a young woman. This is why she decides to lose her virginity to Silas before the story starts. He's another wealthy kid from her school but moved there from another city two years ago. He rejects his family's wealth and thinks it makes him deep, which is why he genuinely didn't know who reader was when they met.

He doesn't care about money or popularity because he already technically has both, and up until your party you'd had no reason to believe that he'd tell anyone. Thanks for letting me info dump about my silly little series!

#v.ask #glb! #kiss me more

[ithinkabouttzu]

Hi friend!! I was wondering if I could get a BoB ship please? 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

Looks - I'm about 5'5" with dyed hair (currently it's a faded purple but I'm gonna do teal/blue next!) and polka dot glasses! I'm on the curvier side and trying to be confident in that (it's a struggle tho lol 🫠)

Personality - my Myers Briggs is ENFP and I've been told I'm a ray of sunshine and a human golden retriever! I love being the mom friend and taking care of all my people 🥰 I'm also quite chaotic at times, and a little bit clumsy 😂 on a deeper level I have an anxiety disorder, ADHD, and a trauma disorder from previous relationships, so while i can appear loud and happy and confident I'm often worried I'm being too much and that I'm a burden to my loved ones

Job/interests - I'm currently working part time at my local psychiatric hospital as a clinician! My goal is to get licensed and work full time with children struggling with mental health and behaviors, my favorite color is yellow, my favorite animal is sharks, and I'm addicted to iced coffee 🤣

Thank you for taking the time to read all this! Hope you have a great day 🥰✨

Thank you for your request Lovely! I’m so happy to open ships back up! 💗💗💗 (also sorry for any mistakes, I haven’t done ships in a WHILE 😅)

I ship you with…

Dick Winters!

Song Recommendation:

- Literally a sunshine couple omg

- He first met you when you joined easy and he immediately thought you were so cute. Like his heart was completely melted at how sweet you were to him

- He honestly gets really shy at first but he also feels super comfortable around you? It sounds kinda weird but he immediately finds comfort in you. He can definitely say it was love at first sight. He’ll stick around closely with you for the rest of the time , making sure no one is bothering you but also because he’s like in love w you???

- Makes SURE to keep his feelings to himself for the longest time. He would hate to make you feel uncomfortable or sound unprofessional so he’d rather just keep his emotions to himself.

- UNTILLL, something happened and you got really hurt. He wasn’t sure what happened to you but when he heard that you had been in danger he got so scared, he really thought he lost you. He makes sure to confess to you afterwards.

- You two are definitely the parents of the friend group. Always taking care of everyone else and making sure everybody is under control, it makes him feel less lonely having someone else to be mature with 🤣

- OH and don’t let me forget ~ this man is in LOVE with your curves, like if he could spend every minute of the day kissing every inch of your body, he would. He also has to let you know how much he loves you, how beautiful you are, just the daily positive affirmations he has to give to you (he’s soo in love w you)

- He’ll spend a lot of time losing track of everything and getting lost in his daydreams about you. He really looks for you in everything. He sees the sun bright and shiny? It reminds him of you. He looks at anything purple? All he can think about it your pretty hair.

- He almost never stops thinking about you. (it’s actually become quite a problem) And when he does daydream about you, it’s so obvious. He’ll just be sitting there by himself, smiling like a huge idiot and everyone else is just like “Is he okay???” LOL

- He’d never tell you this, but he LOVES watching you take care of others, you’re just so kind and the way you nurture others really makes him want to marry you (and start a family with you) even more then he did before.

- This man enjoys it so much when you enjoy yourself, he really loves your chaotic-ness. He will just sit back and look at you like a proud father when you’re having your own fun. You just always make him smile.

- When you open up to him about your past relationship, he feels a mixture of emotions. He feels angry, because who could do that to the love of his life? You’re so sweet and kind and he KNOWS you don’t deserve anything less then perfect. He also feels sad. Sad that he wasn’t there to make you feel better and take away everything bad from you.

- It hurts him so much to know you’ve went through so many things, and you’re still kindest and prettiest soul he knows. He admires you so much for how much love you have to give to everyone.

- Whenever you’re having a moment when the anxiety just gets the best of you - he tries so hard to help you, with whatever it might be. He’s so patient with you (it comes very natural to him) He’ll do anything you want or need. A spa day by yourself or a warm bath with candles and your favorite book. He tries so hard to make you feel special and good. He will make sure to rub your back and tell you everything’s gonna be alright. Over and over again til you know it yourself.

- He also makes sure to let you know that you would never ever ever be a burden to him in a million years. He would walk around the whole earth barefoot just to see your smile or to see you happy. You’re HIS girl and when you have a problem, you can come to him no matter what it is!!

- When you get really really sad or you’ve have a long day, he likes to steal your polka dotted glasses from you and dance around in them (even though it might be a little blurry seeing him 🤣) he really will try everything to make you crack a laugh.

- He loves hearing about your work goals! He thinks it’s so neat how much you want to help children with mental health. He thinks it takes such a smart, patient, but also understanding person for the job. And you’re the perfect person for it to him. He’s so supportive for you. I could definitely see him as the hubby that packs your lunches and stuff like that LOL

- Whenever you guys go out, whether it’s to a bar to see old friends, or just out on a date, he’s got an arm wrapped around you at all times. He wants to show you off to the whole world honestly, you’re perfect and if someone can’t see that then they’re blind.

- Out in public he loves showing you off but can also get pretty protective over you. If someone is looking at his girl, he’s gonna say something to them (and that’s honestly rare because he’s a chill dude.) At the end of the day, if someone is making you uncomfortable, he’s gonna confront them. (if that’s okay with you ofc)

- Also back to the part where I said he always thinks of you, I forgot to mention how whenever he sees a Plushie Shark or any kind of stuffed animal shark, he makes SUREE to get it for you, you’ll definitely work up to a collection overtime 😭

- And whenever he comes home from work he’s always stopping at a local cafe to get you some good iced coffee, this man just really REALLY loves you!!

Thank you for your request bestie! Hope you enjoyed 🥰💛

#band of brothers #band of brothers ship #ithinkabouttzu

[eightmakar]

Girl omg tell us that story!!! How did u go from 1st kiss to virginity losing in one day

omg hi yes so im 25 and have been wanting to kiss someone/lose my virginity for a while, I had been considering asking one of my close friends who I trust

so !!!! I matched with this boy on tinder, we’ll call him A. hit it off with A immediately, he wanted to do some sexual exploration too, so I was like alright here’s the deal and told him everything, and he was also down to at least have a chat

he added me on snap and sent me pictures of himself (his profile didn’t have pics, but for a reason lol) and I was like holy shit you are so fucking handsome, mans was exactly my type: tall, goofy, golden retriever boy

he called me Thursday night and Friday night and we have so much in common, and he jokingly kept proposing to me in our convos. for example, we both love cooking, and he said “I really want a pasta machine” and I said “I have a pasta machine!” and he said “do you…wanna get married?” he also thought it was hot that I’m a big nerd and play dungeons and dragons and love marvel and he REALLY wanted to have sex with me, and I felt super safe and respected

we made a plan for me to go over to his house and like….he asked if he should get condoms and I said yes and even though I made sure he understood there wasn’t a guarantee, which he was okay with, I knew I was going over there to have sex with him lmao

so i got there, he immediately started kissing me (like he said he was going to and I was aware and okay with that). i did get nervous and like, paused him for a second, i was shaking and i showed him and he just gave me my space and asked if I wanted to go to the bedroom instead and I was like yeah let’s go

we went back and long story short i sucked his dick (which was fun as fuck?? hello?? the noises he made???) and then we had sex lmao. he needed a break (he has hypertension and it had been a while) and I did too so we cuddled and then he looked at his phone and had three missed calls from a friend of his that is currently not doing well, so he went to call him back. we had planned to spend the whole afternoon and evening together and possibly even me spend the night at his place, but I had to leave after an hour and a half of being there because he was convinced his friend had hurt himself (he started drinking and stopped texting A) and A was pacing around his apartment freaking out and was super apologetic to me and promised he wanted to see me again, he assured me he didn’t do hookups either and that he still liked me and all that. he also said he was compartmentalizing some trauma from his ex (he said “my ex messed me up and I thought I was more ready than I was”) but he said it wasn’t about me and he wanted to see me again, and I said I just needed some extra reminders and he gave them to me and I was very appreciative. he walked me to my car and said to plan for the middle of the week, but that’s the last time I heard from him :(

i haven’t heard from him since April 29th which was the day of our date, I’ve tried to text and call, and I’m really upset about it because I really thought we had a connection, we talked a bunch about future dates and so I’m not sure what changed, but I’m hopeful that it’s just that he’s out of emotional bandwidth and he’ll get back to me when he can. it’s almost been 2 weeks and a lot of people have told me to drop it and move on, but i have a gut feeling to give him time and that he’s going through some shit and he needs to work through it before he tries to go out with me again. he was so understanding and considerate with me about everything, he listened and was kind about my anxiety, and he opened up to me too, like he really liked me and trusted me and so I’m like, very hopeful that he’s gonna come around and like, if I had all that going on, i would want someone to be patient and kind with me too.

so yeah, that’s what you missed on glee and how I got my first kiss and lost my virginity in the same day

[drtanner]

According to a number of surveys, the majority of the UK public is in favour of trans rights, it may surprise you to hear! The bullshit you see on social media isn't reflected in real life, it turns out, because sock puppet Twitter accounts can't make YouGov profiles or go to the ballot box; TERFs are merely a very vocal minority who know they're on the losing side, and are taking advantage of the current culture war that our government is participating in alongside the mainstream media to make themselves heard before their ideology goes the way of homophobia, racism and misogyny, which were all likewise viewed as acceptable bigotries in the past.

However, those same surveys did find that a lot of cis folks in the UK are also worried about getting things wrong when they talk to trans people or are afraid that they'll get yelled at if they make mistakes or say the wrong thing! That's a shame! If this sounds like you, I hope I can dispel at least some of your anxiety with a quick primer to get you started, and I'll begin by letting you know that this idea that trans people are all vicious, screeching bullies waiting to leap on any well-meaning mistake that a curious cis person makes is a purposeful mischaracterisation that's been sold to you by transphobes. You're not gonna get yelled at for making a genuine misstep, I promise.

(Most of us are far too frightened of being ostracised or murdered to yell at people who openly insult us, let alone your innocent mistake.)

That said, if you want to be an ally, here are the basics. ( b ._.)b

Not every trans person is obliged to educate you. If you have questions, ask folks if they're willing to answer questions, and be ready to accept "NO" for an answer. We're tired, and we know you have Google. There are whole communities of trans people on the internet who are there specifically to answer questions if you're really pressed. r/asktransgender is a great place to start.

Don't ask us questions about our genitals. Again, if you want to know what trans folks' junk can look like, Google is right there. You don't need to know what my junk, personally, specifically, looks like unless you are a) my doctor or b) my sexual partner. You wouldn't want me asking about your genitals, right? That'd be weird! And the fact that our genitals might be something other than what you may normally expect doesn't make it any less so! (Obviously if someone tells you they don't mind talking about their personal, specific junk, that's different. Just don't ask about it straight out of the gate, please. Be polite. Let them bring it up.)

Everyone has different boundaries. Some topics might be easy for one trans person to talk about but difficult for another. If we tell you we don't want to answer specific questions or discuss specific topics or that the discussion is over, respect it. Don't be a dick.

Every trans person's experiences are different! What's true for one or a few or even most of the trans folks you talk to is highly unlikely to be true for all of us. Everyone navigates transness in their own way and has different viewpoints and perspectives. We're not a monolith and you shouldn't treat us like one.

We literally just want to live with dignity like everybody else. That is literally it, that's all we want, we just want to be treated with the same respect and compassion as every other human being on this planet deserves. You shouldn't take it as a personal attack if we ask you, for example, to use inclusive language, e.g., "pregnant person" instead of "pregnant woman", in order to make a little room for us in the world. We're not taking anything away from you or anybody else; our inclusive language includes you too, after all. 💜

And that's it! Five very easy things to remember, that's all. Keep these things in mind and you'll be hard pressed to offend anyone so badly that they snap at you. Be considerate and respectful and I promise you'll be fine. Go forth and educate yourself! I'm rooting for you! 💜

#Tanner talks

[definitely-not-indecisive]

I posted 20,769 times in 2022

12 posts created (0%)

20,757 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess

@igothurtdoingsafetydance

@desdemonasarahmckenzie

@vaspider

@bat-kidsarebi-kids

I tagged 2,907 of my posts in 2022

#jason todd - 328 posts

#bruce wayne - 215 posts

#batman - 215 posts

#dick grayson - 189 posts

#tim drake - 168 posts

#batfam - 124 posts

#star wars - 120 posts

#dc - 116 posts

#dc comics - 110 posts

#red hood - 109 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#(though as an aside clark's eyes. he totally looks like he's checking lex out.im not a lex/clark shipper but i look at my husband that way)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

And unlike Misha Collins, I didn't take it back. I committed to the bit!

(I am genuinely bisexual)

4 notes - Posted April 26, 2022

#4

The end of Encanto had me in tears. Flat out sobbing. Really good movie.

7 notes - Posted January 19, 2022

#3

Just putting it out there. These bitches? Same person. You can’t convince me otherwise.

10 notes - Posted April 3, 2022

#2

Okay, so "Freedom" protestors (who are protesting covid restrictions) have shut down Canberra's Lifeline Book Fair. It's a second hand book sale, most books between $1 and about $5.

The protestors have completely taken over the car park and are harrassing people who are wearing masks.

For the safety of the general public, the fair has been shut down.

The book fair is Lifeline's main source of donations, and without it, the already strained mental health call-service becomes strained even further. They have worked so hard throughout the pandemic to help will depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. Without the Book Fair, they're going to struggle to meet the needs of thousands struggling with their mental health.

Please, if you have anything to spare. Even if it's just a dollar, please donate to Canberra Lifeline Service. This is a service we can't afford to lose. It could mean all the difference, could save someone's life.

https://www.lifelinecanberra.org.au/donate/

10 notes - Posted February 12, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Bestie your addition to the Batfam/Harley makes me FROTH at the mouth; I actually checked and her names actually LUCY QUINZEL I DIE,,, SHES SO ADORABLE,,,

And she's just fucking Normal which is so fucking funny- it breaks me that Harley couldn't be in her life but when she STARTS,,, OH MANNNN,,, convinced Damian and her would be besties with " someone will die" " of FUN" vibes with Jon too!!!! Im. Dying. I'd love to hear your thoughts if you have any sjsjsjsjs

Omg, Lucy and Brucie, so cute they rhyme 💖💖💖 yes, and then Bruce and Harley will get all emotional over the Lucy/Damien/Jon trio, cos like, it'll be like when they were kids with Harvey! And then like, having family dinners, and Lucy calling Alfred grandpa, because Harley unironically calls Alfred "dad". I'm crying. THEY'RE A FAMILY! And like, Harley making fun of Bruce for dropping out of med school, when she went all the way to get a PH.D and them being super proud when one of the new trio goes to med school. I have a lot of feelings.

Oh and the shenanigans these children will get into, with like big brother Dick and/or Jason, definitely Tim, joining in or enabling. And Bruce and Harley can't even be mad, cos they lowkey/highkey thought it was hilarious, or did worse things when they were the same age together.

Like I'm insane about Cass having big sister bonding time with little sister Lucy, like taking this little girl under her (bat) wing and just uuuggghhh. Teaching Lucy sign language and how to read body language, especially if Lucy wants to become a psychiatrist like her mum to help give patients the best care, or become a vigilante like her. I'm such a slut for found family, you have no idea

Based on this post

71 notes - Posted September 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #I feel kind of called out by this honestly

[mspaintp7ague]

quite thankful i dont have a lot of dysphoria cause my mom thinks hrt will give me heart problems or some shite 😐 like bitch please you do realize cis men just have that much t and don't go around dropping dead right

my doctor is chill on the whole thing she's just bein weird. there's a trans health center pretty close to us but nooo she doesn't want to go there and check out the actual medical resources and opinions on the matter. oh and she's also antivax but just for the covid vaccine. yes i am still not vaxxed for covid fml

tldr. im gonna be Busy after i turn 18

fr tho she really is just being stupid. i don't ever want children so idgaf about losing my fertility. idgaf if it would actually kill me tbh the world is going to shit anyway and i doubt i'm gonna amount to anything. thing is literally no one thinks hrt kills you. she needs to get off chinese 4chan fr

she lets me do what i want for the most part but is annoyingly stupid about certain things. yeah i don't like the government either but the vaccine that millions of people have taken is not going to give me cancer in ten years. she fr thinks people will start dropping dead eventually and "we just need to wait to see the long term effects" the mrna is reabsorbed in like. three weeks. how do you have this little critical thinking / trust in science

and she thinks men and women genuinely have biological differences to the point that gendered razors are actually important and you need a dick to wear boxers. fuck off mom let me buy some swim trunks. the razors i could care less about tbh cause she pays for them but still

ughh. kinda glad i'll probably commute to college cause rooming with someone would probably get awkward in several ways.

she also doesn't seem to believe in mental illness. which. while im self diagnosing and mostly guessing at what's wrong with me i am about 100% certain i have trichotillomania (hair pulling compulsion) because. yknow i fucking do that and have a giant bald patch on my head. and she will just be like "why don't you just stop?" and "use some self control" etc. recently i've decided to just stop showing her my hair (i wear a hat a lot) because it really just makes me feel worse and it's not her fucking business. she keeps asking anyway but i'm just gonna keep telling her no until it grows back. she literally can't do anything to help and only makes me feel worse about it

another thing i'm less sure about is the possible cyclothymia / mild bipolar i may have. i mentioned it to her and she thinks it's just mood swings, which, it might be, but this has been happening for a long time. so much in fact that i've projected it onto my ocs. plague as a character started off as a 'normal' mask of myself but gb (who was based off my irl appearance but. whiter) had two characterizations that i swapped between inconsistently. can u guess what they were. yeah. depressed/apathetic and extremely manic, deranged even. looking back i see the patterns of depression and extreme interest in media/characters/other stuff i've had. even if i would hide it irl i'd have weeks where i stayed up until 3 or 4 multiple days in a row just because i couldn't stop playing a game or reading or i just had this amazing idea and i have to write/draw it right now or i will explode. sleep is for the weak. etc. and then i'll have weeks where i can't look any of my teachers in the eye and am too tired of caring to shower or do laundry or anything beyond the bare minimum chores and wake up in the morning skip breakfast and walk to the bus stop contemplating if it's worth it to still be alive. at least when i'm excited i'll do essential stuff just so i can get back to the fixation again. it's so fucking stupid. "yeah sorry i havent worked on my essay in six weeks because i was too busy doing random shit and/or thinking about dying but was too pussy to actually do anything sorry"

that and the anxiety spirals. those were pretty bad for a while. like. someone told me they wanted to play games with me and i said yes. then they didn't reply for forty minutes and i just. kept thinking i did something wrong or misunderstood their message or otherwise fucked up but turns out they just forgot they messaged me. haha. yeah totally normal reaction there plague.

i can't tell if there's something seriously wrong with me or not but i don't want to tell my therapist about it because i don't want to get institutionalized or something. and my mom is anti medication too. yippee. maybe it's too much to hope some drug will make me stop having days where i can't fucking do anything for literally no reason but i don't know how to fix myself otherwise.

oh and i mentioned to my mom very vaguely a time where i overshared some suicidal thoughts and proceeded to spiral for like 5 hours straight over getting no response and ultimately dipped from a friend group for a while and now she wants to know the details. i literally told you i didn't even tell my therapist the whole story what gives you the right to know? huh?

i don't know if i'm normal. i feel like i'm not but i might just be overreacting and being edgy. i also have definitely have experienced impostor syndrome about several things in the past so i clearly can't trust my own judgement on either thing.

i also don't think i love my family. they don't really matter that much to me anymore. i think i felt something for them when i was younger but it's just not there anymore. my mom simply does not understand a lot of things and i think i see her on the same level as a friend, maybe. we talk and spend time civilly but there is nothing deeper there on my end. i've tried explaining it to her but i don't think she gets it. i really feel nothing more for her than for my school friends.

my siblings i've never been very close to anyway. i don't feel like i can talk to either of them about much anymore. with brother i can sometimes but i only reference certain stuff through jokes. yeah look at this funny stan blog i made for this vtuber that i've been thinking about nonstop for the last two weeks because i can't tell the difference between a crush, admiration, gender envy and aesthetic appreciation of his avatar. i'm so silly and not mentally ill at all.

there's no one who's an appropriate audience for this huh. ok. mental illness blog it is

[dancing-to-architecture]

90 - Pink Floyd - The Wall

High up on my list of "Best Movie Soundtracks Ever", even though a. it's a rock opera and b. one of my favorite songs on the album is notably NOT in the film.

Also, an album I picked up WAY too early in life. This is not an album that should be mainlined by an impressionable young adolescent. (See also: Smashing Pumpkins)

And, if you haven't seen the movie, know going in that it's violent and disturbing and disorienting, it adds a LOT to the context of the album, and also you should really watch it twice.

•In The Flesh?-

One of the most bombastic and epic-feeling opening tracks I've ever experienced in my life.

I'm ALWAYS looking for that space cadet glow.

Also it ends like the album is ending, like entire goddamn world is ending, complete with the sound of a plane crash and everything, and then, with a baby's cry, we are introduced to our doomed protagonist.

•Thin Ice-

So, unlike quicksand, thin ice is a horror from my childhood only this one WILL ACTUALLY KILL YOU. Growing up in a small town where two rivers met, thin ice was a legitimate concern every winter.

And, while I don't recall as many people going under the ice as I do "Chicagoans getting wasted and falling to their death at Starved Rock", it was always in the back of my mind whenever the air hurt my face.

Regardless this song is about losing your sanity, and the two concepts are nonetheless linked in my mind, especially since high school makes you feel crazy.

•Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 1-

This one makes me think of two things:

1. This Robert Anton Wilson quote:

"under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane human being."

2. My dad's hobby of late: burning all of his money by going on cruise ships multiple times a year.

"Daddy, what'd you leave behind for me?" Not fuckin much.

Otherwise this section of the album has one hell of a groove to it.

•The Happiest Days Of Our Lives-

So happy to say that I never had a *physically* abusive teacher.

Mentally and emotionally? I mean who didn't have at least one of *them* growing up?

(And yes I genuinely, honestly, hope "their psychopathic wives" beat the shit out of every single one of those bastards. If you are in a position of authority over children, and you use that to make their lives objectivly worse, for shit they had no hand in, I hope your eyeballs and throat and liver and kidneys all get ripped out by goddamned vultures.)

•Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 2-

The anthem for my entire generation, and what should damn sure be the energy going forward (especially in Fascistland, I mean Florida, where "slavery was kinda good actually" and "AP Psych can not legally be taught anymore because it says that queer people exist".

We don't need no thought control.

And all in all, Ron Desantis is just another dick with no balls.)

Also, I was much older when I learned that when an Englishman says "pudding" they actually mean "basically any possible dessert" and not just, like, "tapioca".

•Mother-

Generating Lifelong Codependency: The Song.

5 minutes and 34 seconds of Bad Parenting Choices.

See the above Robert A. Wilson quote again.

•Goodbye Blue Sky-

Simultaneously one of the prettiest and one of the ugliest songs on the album.

Beautiful and horrible.

Also, one of my favorite of the animated segments in the film. Evocative as FUCK.

"The flames are all long gone

But the pain lingers on."

•Empty Spaces-

This is the sound of every dying relationship. Once the communication breaks down, the rot begins to take hold.

•Young Lust-

Now, THIS is a great song to get stuck in your head for a month and a half when you're a loser in your sophomore year of high school and nobody wants to really even look at you, let alone go out with you, and absolutely nobody wants to just fuck nasty, which is exactly what this song is entirely about: finding a person who wants to get slammed down, big style.

•One Of My Turns-

Possibly the darkest song on the album and one of the heaviest parts of the movie.

The Breakdown of Every Thing.

That said, "cold as a razor blade, tight as a tourniquet, dry as a funeral drum" would be a good description of me from like ages 15-27.

...Thank the gods for LSD. Ego death fixed a lot of that shit.

•Don't Leave Me Now-

Correction: THIS is the darkest song on the album.

A droning meditation on all the various forms of partner abuse.

•Another Brick In The Wall, Pt. 3-

And this is the song that turns the miserable sophomore-year loser into a teenaged curmudgeon. "I don't need any of you, I'll be just fine on my own."

•Goodbye Cruel World-

It's pretty obviously about suicide, but I always thought this would be a great closing song for a live show.

"Yeah this is it, this is all you're getting. You can't change my mind. Goodbye."

•Hey You-

Ah, good day, "Sir Not Appearing In This Film". How are you?

I've heard a few reasons from different people as to why this was cut from the movie, from simply "cut for time" to "the actual film got fucked up during recording and was deemed unusable".

In the story, this is the initial realization of the Great Mistake of building the wall and shutting yourself off from reality and humanity.

In my life, it gave me one of the most impactful lines I've ever heard:

"Hey you,

Don't help them to bury the light.

Don't give in without a fight."

As well as a lovely metaphor for what right-wing talk-radio grifters and Fox News brainwashing did to everybody's parents:

"No matter how he tried, he could not break free, and The Worms ate into his brain."

•Is There Anybody Out There?-

One of my favorite songs on the album.

Short and sweet, if by 'sweet' you mean 'dangerously paranoid'.

Also, one of the only songs I ever learned how to play on guitar.

I classify this as the beginning of what I call the "tone poem section". The next few songs all bleed together into one full movement.

•Nobody Home-

The depression inherent to self-imposed loneliness sets in as self-reflection, self-adoration, and ultimately self-revulsion.

"I'm so smart, I can even figure out every single thing that I did to completely ruin my entire life, but i won't do that until the end of the album, on account of how smart I am."

•Vera-

The tone poem continues.

Also, I had no idea who Vera Lynn was for quite some time. So, no, I didn't remember her. 🤷

It's a devastatingly pretty song, though.

•Bring The Boys Back Home-

And the culmination of the tone poem portion of the album arrives.

There's not a lot to this one, tbh.

•Comfortably Numb-

It is amazing to me how much I related to this song, long before I ever did a single drug. And now, after having done quite a few drug, I'm not much of a depressants guy. (It's probably all the regular depression, why would I ever add more?)

Man, I was a pretty messed up kid, huh.

Such an incredible song, though. Perfect in every way. Beautiful guitar work, the drumming is impeccable, the bass is... present, and the vocals are stellar.

One of my favorites.

•The Show Must Go On-

I can sum this one up with the title of a cancelled douchebag Marilyn Manson song: "I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me."

•In The Flesh-

The reprise of the opening track.

Problematic as hell, but that's the fucking point. This is a hyper-violent fascist rally dressed up like a concert, and Anyone Who Doesn't Fit In will be Taken Care Of.

•Run Like Hell-

Back when I was a kid, roughly a thousand years ago, there was a Chicago morning news show that used to use the beginning of this song as their show's intro, and that always struck me as Extremely Fucking Weird.

The concert/hyper-violent fascist rally spills into the streets. Nobody is safe. This is the point.

•Waiting For The Worms-

Fear and isolation lead to horrors beyond human comprehension.

An anthem for krystallnacht.

An anthem for the alt-right mass shooter.

Fortunately, you can theoretically get the worms out. Unfortunately, you will very likely have to crack open the skull in which they reside to do so.

•Stop-

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO MY ACTIONS?!"

•The Trial-

The Big Come Down. Our protagonist realizes, way too late, that despite the many, many tribulations of his life, it is his reactions to those problems that ultimately the source of all of his problems.

Yeah, your teachers were shitty sociopaths, your mom was a domineering bitch, and your wife (rightly) got sick of all of your bullshit and left you.

Shutting yourself out and hiding yourself away doesn't fix a fucking thing, and only makes the Bad Things worse.

Shut the fuck up, Pink. You're not crazy, you're just a bigoted asshole. Tear the fucking wall down already.

•Outside The Wall-

In which our protagonist finally gets a fucking grip and stops being such a dick.

Or, an alternate reading is that Pink has killed himself, and everything from Goodbye Cruel World until this point has been a hallucination caused by his dying mind, and this is him receiving total consciousness at the moment of death.

OR it's simply saying "it's on you to open up a bit, because there are people who genuinely want to help you, but they'll only try for so long."

This is a great album, but you kinda need to see the movie to really get it, which is ironic because you also need to know the album pretty well to understand what the fuck is happening in the movie.

Favorite Track:

I am SO tempted to be a cheeky little shit and say "When The Tigers Broke Free", as that is an incredible song, but it's only in the film, not the studio album.

So I'll invert that and say Hey You, which is on the album, but not in the film.

Least Favorite Track:

Bring The Boys Back Home. It's the end of the slow self-reflection/self-destruction part of the story, there for the (incredibly depressing) vibes.

#1001 albums #dancing to architecture #pink floyd #the wall