#but at the last second was like ‘they’re not gay though. they married for tax benefits’ like??? is this representation. what is this

[lifewithdavefarts]

DaveFarts - Episode 13 “When She Finally Leaves” [Episode List] Dana spends the whole day at Dave’s place. When the girl leaves, Tim, who’s now Dave’s roommate, finds out how much gas a man can hold in just to not look gross in front of a girl.

When She Finally Leaves

In the last few weeks I’ve been spending more and more nights at Dave’s place, whether because I needed a place to work, write my essays, or simply to spend some quality time watching bad films and drinking beer. It was Dave himself to ask me to “marry him” (as he jokingly put it), basically becoming official roommates, which also meant dividing our tasks and obviously splitting the rent.

And honestly we were having a great time. We both had jobs, fortunately, which were not much but they did pay taxes for now and it was overall a great experience. Friend or not, Dave is an excellent roommate, being pretty good at cooking and organising chores; the same could be said for me actually, though in some cases we have our own preferences; for example Dave prefers cooking (the fact that I’m bad at it it’s purely coincidental) so we agreed I’ll be the one doing the dishes.

We also had our buds crashing over what is now *our* place a couple of times, which resulted in more bad films and beer, or even nerd stuff such as gaming together. Of course however, the person who most often came over is obviously Dana, Dave’s girlfriend. She’s pretty cool though we don’t really hang out with her when Dave’s not around, though as I said she’s pretty easy-going.

Tonight we’ve been watching a trash movie. Yes, the three of us. Don’t worry, I was a welcome addition today. Dave would usually just tell me to leave for a few hours if sex was on the table (sometimes literally on the table, the one where we eat our food…) as we respect each others enough to just be straightforward whenever we needed some privacy. Tonight however it was just chilling like three friends hanging out together (knowing however that Dave would just give me a signal should things get more heated up you know).

We were in the living room. I was on an armchair, working on my laptop, despite the poor wi-fi. On the long wide couch beside me, Dave and Dana chilling and watching the movie with more attention than me, my bud’s left arm around his girlfriend, sometimes making remarks on how bad it was. We all had a can of beer, because of course we did.

The couple brought some takeouts for dinner, some fast-food a few blocks from here (Dana’s idea, actually, which we were both thankful for). Dave, chilling next to Dana, was wearing his signature casual outfit: a grey shirt and pair of dark blue loose jeans, details that my gay-ass eyes immediately noticed and more than once stared at.

“Oh wow the helicopter just blew up I’m speechless.” Dave said, sarcastically.

“A Subversive Masterpiece: that’s what they were going for when they wrote this.” Dana added, and they both chuckled.

I also did my fair share of sarcastic remarks though work got most of my attention, even though it was nothing urgent, just me trying to get some stuff done as fast as possible.

“Did the shark just wink at him?” my bro commented.

“They’re best friends now.” his girlfriend explained. What a great film.

After 15 more minutes the movie ended with the three of us clapping at a shot of a man and a shark exchanging a look of gratitude to each other, as the Sun set into the never-ending ocean. Drugs played a big role into the making of this move I’m 100% sure.

“Well, that was enlightening, but I gotta head back home. The Uber’s almost here.” Dana said, as she got up and reached for her purse and some other stuff.

“You’re really sure about that? Come on, stay here for the night.” Dave suggested. “I taught Tim to play dead. We can throw food at him.” he then joked.

“I can also bring you the newspaper upstairs, tomorrow morning.” I played along.

Dana chuckled in response. “I’m sure you’ll win the next contest you two, but I gotta wake up super early tomorrow.”

The couple walked towards the front door. The entrance was next to the living room, a few steps behind the couch. Dave and I sometimes darkly joked that any assassin could easily ambush us because whenever we’re on the couch anyone could sneak into the house behind us, with enough care (we then prefer to drink about it).

“Call me when you get home.” Dave said and the two shared a quick kiss.

In the meantime I moved on the bigger (and more comfortable) couch, more or less in Dana’s spot, as I also have better wi-fi reception there. I left my laptop on the small table in front of me because apparently all of my laptops have to be shitty and take some time to even the most basic stuff. As I inspected the wi-fi icon flashing on the screen, I heard Dave shutting the door and walking back to the couch. After a few steps his tall figure was already towering over me.

“Yeah the reception is pretty bad lately.” he commented, and then collapsed next to me.

Only a few seconds and he already had that well-known smirk drawn on his face; he then quickly adjusted his position. He completely laid down, extended his demin-clad legs, with his left one resting on the back of the couch, ending right behind my neck. In a moment, Dave ended up showing off his loose, almost-sagging jeans-clad ass directly next to me, as his legs trapped me into a gentle yet strong grip. Seeing both that “wall” made of jeans and my bro’s smirk at the same time was a sight I never truly got used to. He was just lying there, next to me, with his ass pointed at me, as if it was one big prank, even though he knew exactly how much I enjoyed that.

“Bro you’re ready?” he asked, still sporting that smirk.

When even Dave goes as far as asking me if I’m ready, then I knew that the fart was going to be gargantuan. And I realized why: Dana has been with us and my bro the entire day, so it’s possible that Dave just held all of his gas in for hours. We all experienced this, then when the girl leaves, men get to “relax”. Other than that, Dave had tons of beer and junk food. I stared at that denim butt, for the first time almost scared of what my bud was capable of; I knew a fart was coming, and I knew it was going to be big.

But what Dave said next really once again confirmed how chill he is around me.

“Believe me: you might want to get closer for this one.” he said, laughing a bit.

He sported weirdly reassuring smile, Dave’s millionth attempt at saying “It’s ok, Tim.” as he probably noticed now nervous I became when he assumed that pose.

The teasing bastard then went full bully on me and simply reached for my head with his long right arm and gently pulled me down, as if I was bowing to that still silent denim-clad ass. I just heard him laugh like an idiot, as it usually happens. Despite my head being down and in front of that ass, I could still see Dave’s face and that smirk. He raised his eyebrows and half-closed his eyes as he started pushing, but he didn’t need to put all that effort into ripping that blast.

It’s like the fart was barely contained in the first place: it immediately exploded with a loud sound right into my face. Dave closed his eyes and kept his smirk as the blast probably surprised him as well. It was low-pitched and dry, a completely natural gas-eruption that sounded like an engine. The stench was unbearable, a mixture of beer and junk food, surprise to no one.

While farting, Dave adjusted his position as bit, spreading his legs bit more, with my face getting almost planted into that denim-clad butt as he effortlessly kept ripping that immense flatulence. Hours and hours of gas being erupted as if I was in front of a dormant volcano that just woke up. And I feared that “hours” was what he was going for ‘cause after 20 seconds the fart didn’t even lose power.

Dave still had this smirk drawn on his face and occasionally stared down at me as he completely destroyed my face and nose with his incredible farting skills, skills that constantly let me speechless, fetish or not. He was the fart master, a showoff with a manly talent that I could only bow to and endure in the hop-

“Sorry, I forgot my house keys.”

The fart immediately stopped and it all went silent: It was Dana.

Dave turned his head to his girlfriend, greeting her with the stupidest smile you can think of.

“Oh stay there no worries, they’re right here.” I heard Dana say as she reached for keys, probably hanging right next to the door, my face still almost planted in my friend’s denim ass. That felt surreal.

I completely froze (not that I could move) but I knew that she couldn’t see me (just like I couldn’t see her) as I was lying down. All she could see from where she was standing was Dave’s head and his right leg resting on the back of the couch, since the entrance was behind our couch.

I was terrified, while Dave was doing his best not laugh like an idiot.

“What’s so funny?” Dana asked, laughing a bit herself, definitely noticing her boyfriend being weird.

My teasing bro quickly glanced down at me, almost losing it (and still holding holding the fart in, which didn’t stop the smell from burning my nostrils).

“N-nothing’” he stuttered. That’s it, he was gonna laugh like an idiot.

“Okay” I heard Dana, not really convinced of the boyfriend’s answer though.

There was a moment of awkward silence and then we heard a car honk, thank goodness.

“Oh… it’s my Uber. Bye!” the girl said, quickly leaving the house and shutting the door behind her.

Another moment of silence followed, Dave still staring at the entrance. I was shaking, I was legitimately scared that someone was gonna find out, which was weird given the hotness I was experiencing in that moment, even without the fart being ripped.

“Ok… where were we?” Dave asked, turning back to me, with a smirk. “Oh yeah!”

And he effortlessly resumed farting, just as loud, proud and powerful as it was before the interruption, directly into my face. The terror I experienced moments before was blown away by that incredibly blast and me being rock-hard, as it usually happens when Dave showoffs his gassy talent around me, or on me.

Dozens of seconds passed and at this point Dave just played along. He nodded at me, faking a serious expression, as if he was listening to something actually interesting instead of his own loud fart still going on strong; after about ten more seconds he checked the time on his wrist-watch and acted surprised, then stared down at me as if he wanted to say “damn that is long!”. We both however actually lost the track of time and he simply relaxed as if I wasn’t even in front of his ass, all while the fart was still being blasted in my face.

Dave then reached for my head again and gently pushed it inches closer to his roaring ass, and I felt the vibrations of his rip all over my face: it was literally an earthquake.

How long was it lasting? More than 1 minute perhaps? How much gas can a man hold in? Dave certainly was pushing for a record. All I knew is that I felt privileged witnessing that, even though I was beyond being a mere witness since no particle of gas missed my eyes and nostrils.

However (finally, actually), the fart seemingly started to lose power, the once-continuous sound starting to “stutter” and turning more into a fast series of loud farts, fired back-to-back. The show (because that’s what it was: a show) ended with a loud, 5 seconds blast, and Dave’s laughter.

I slowly got up, sweaty, my nose burning, with a startled look to which my bro reacted with another immature cackle. I was now sitting next to him as I was before, and looked back at my bud, who in the meantime re-adjusted his pose. He was still lying down, still kind of showing off his loose-sagging ass, but in a less “menacing” way: now he was just chilling.

“When’s Dana coming over again?” I joked. I mustered all the courage I had left to say that. I was impressed by the fact that I could still speak considering that all of my blood probably flooded my boner at that point.

Dave laughed at that lame joke, thank goodness. “As if I need Dana to blast you like this.”

He raised one leg, again showing off his sagging denim ass in my direction. He quickly sucked some air in and after a few moments and weird noises a loud 6 seconds fart erupted. For his standards, that’s basically a weak one.

My friend just casually joking and bragging about facefarting me and then farting on command to prove it made me lose it, as I felt my boner… dampening. He didn’t notice it but he knew that I had a hard-on, that’s for sure.

I didn’t want to just rush into the bathroom so I just stared at my laptop, still on the table, in front of me: the wi-fi signal was stronger than ever. I jokingly like to think that Dave’s blast was so powerful it actually influenced the signal somehow and improved it.

I turned to my bud, still lying on his side of the couch, just checking his phone and being… casually hot.

“Thanks man.” I said, not for the wi-fi though.

He lowered his phone, revealing a blank reaction “Really?” he said, rolling his eyes, with a bored expression. “Stop being cringe and do the dishes.”

Fuck, I totally forgot about those. We had takeout food but we still used some of our dishes. I immediately got up and rushed to the kitchen, hoping that Dave was distracted by his phone enough to not notice by boner through my sweatpants.

Once in the kitchen, a place that wasn’t tainted by Dave’s gas, my nostrils could still feel my bro’s fart-stench. That’s how soaked up in his gas I was. Even my ears needed some time to adjust to the silence, now that I didn’t have a deafening fart being ripped right into my skull. 

And I just knew that this wasn’t the last time this was gonna happen. I’m Dave’s roommate, and being roomies means we have to divide our tasks: he’s the farter, I’m the sniffer.

End of Episode 13

#fart story #eproctophilia #fartkink #davefarts2 #gayfart #malefarts

[nobody-knose--archive]

i’ve been aching to commentate spirit phone’s commentary for ages. glad i finally got around to it, this was an ejoyable experience. liveblog below the cut

-i'm like half certain i've heard this commentary before. maybe not the whole way through & it was probably actual years ago

-nice hearing stuff like this. in-depth personal view of the album-making process. makes it seem like more of a real thing i could do myself someday

-neil cicierega real person momence

-i could probably go real in depth about neil cicierega/tally hall parallels specifically concerning like. the arc of their musical careers. but i won't, here

-wild how i legitimately don't care much about micheal jackson

-didnt we get a bunch of spirit phone stems from the needlejuice release/his patreon? we could probably hear the funny track he speaks of here in that

-i love hearing musical artists, especially neil cicierega, talking about the meanings of their songs. like, not only has this song been claimed to hell & back by the tumblr gays, but with later ones i just can't see where he gets these ideas from. also, claiming there's any one meaning or plot to a song just seems silly to me

-shoutout to neil reusing a midi from like, 1998, that he made at 12 years old, whose entire melody was reused for the main verses of everybody loves raymond. loved finding that out on my own 2 years ago. now it's common trivia in this fandom. not bad times

-it'd be neat if neil did individual trans tracks here like he did with view monstel, those things are half of why i consider it my favorite album

-it's a lot easier to ignore the creator's intended meaning behind a song when he can't even remember it. thanks neil

-seesaw effect

-and there's my joke all but 1 of my followers wont get. moving on

-what kinds of movie theater lobbies has neil been to where there are arcade machines. i mean im not one to talk but that does sound rather strange

-why do songs' titles even need to be taken from the lyrics. ive never seen that as any sort of requisite. it's like titling any form of prose you can just give it whatever name ya like

-"this part sounds pretty cool right"

-is neil's vocal range only mildly better than mine? with training i could change that

-oh i haven't processed any of the last 25 seconds hold on

-god. a shit ton of vocal modification in this song. it's like neil returned to his roots but with quality this time

-i, as an ace/aro, have never related more to an allohet guy in my life. what is the point of eyes!

-professional humming/whistling takes skill. it's different from the recreational or casual stuff. i'd know

-there's a name for the way sound (especially music) gets distorted when moving past you and i can't remember it but it's probably what neil's referring to here in the way he recorded the intro

(- update: it's the doppler effect no need to tell me cas already did)

-as someone who hasnt seen the rugrats or take me there by blackstreet i'll just say it sounded like a bouncy music box melody. nice to hear a song that messes with the typical scales though. lydian & diatonic.

-that's a rather specific thing to be glad about, but given what he talked about in his last full audio commentary about the jew harp i suppose i'm not surprised

-i know that tmbg song now. listened to it & saw the music video too. yep they're different alright

-where the hell does neil get all these instrumence from anyway

-huh. hadnt heard this part of the commentary before making my oc concerning this song but i like to hear neil's approval concerning part of my interpretation

-i love how ive heard a billion different tellings of this mellified man story from lem dem fans talking about this song and neil's is by far the wildest

-good god that does only make it worse neil

-i love making liveblogs of lemon demon albums. with the fullerenes or tally hall i cant name a specific dude to take out my woes on generally but with lemon demon i can just say neil all the time. i like being on a casual first name basis with this dude ive never interacted with once ever

-is sweet bod the one other than cabinet man with a demo in the bonus tracks? i forget

-holy shit the boston molasses disaster someone call up soapy if it doesnt already know, it'd love this

-two thousand nine. god i miss the fiddle solo. the ver with it is truly the best one

-he pronounces it jeff? i've always read it as gef with a hard g. that's what i get for knowing words that are never spoken aloud

-that's a fun meta interpretation of this ghost story that's over a century old. i like that

-i've noticed neil generally does the same synths across a whole album. it's especially more clear in the earlier ones, and does mean i occasionally mix up songs between clown circus & live from the haunted candle shop

-ah! ancient aliens! my least favorite track on this album. i cant even claim to have the least interest in a popular one i've just generally not liked this one much from the beginning. so im curious to see what neil's got to say, i think ive been in ~new commentary zone for a while now

-anyway. newest update on the loolin not realizing a song's funky time signature front: i think this one's in 6/4. or at least switches a lot between time signatures. granted i dont listen to it very often for the reasons stated above

-see the way neil describes it. eldritch horror upon being visited by the unknown at a time when humanity'd hadn't even yet had a chance to imagine such a thing occurring. should be right up my alley. but the sound itself & many of the lyrics simply turn me away.

-must i specify i don't dislike it? spirit phone is neil's best album it not being my favorite doesn't mean i think it's bad yadda yadda nobody should be surprised by this it's not like anyone in these fandoms reads my liveblogs <3

-granted i think this is. the first bit of spirit phone content i've made on my blog ever. so who knows things can change <3

-the transitions in spirit phone are much less view-monster transition tracks & more extended outros. view-monster's were a bit more intro than outro sure but they also seemed directed upon making a 2-way rather than 1-way bridge between tracks. or something like that

-.............soft fuzzy man is an incredible nickname for a cat. i'd steal that if i werent afraid of introducing my relatives to lemon demon

-jirls

-an underlying metaphor is good enough. the literal side of the lyrics are fun. nothing but agreement here neil my good man

-the transition into as your father i expressly forbid it from soft fuzzy man is the best one in this album

-buddy you ask if a musical idea has been used before odds are the answer is yes in this day & age the question is has it been used in the way you're using it. like sure this soul jazz record from the 60s that was sold out in kansas stores for a week used this bassline that youve found yourself copying. but seeing as youre using it in some angsty garage rock ballad type tune does anybody actually care

-doesn't everybody like to say things in an unhinged manner from time to time

-imagine having a guitar dad, i say, with my dad being a folk accordion/fiddle dad, which is infinitely worse in every way

-i think he was in an actual folk band at some point. idk the 90s were weird

-iron my life?

-m-more intimate? there are a lot of ways i'd describe this song but intimate isn't one of them. granted as your father is negatively intimate so from there i guess you've got nowhere to go but up

-...still glad to see his interpretation kinda supports my oc at least

-the way he says characters in songs shouldn't worry about death really strongly makes me think this is some sort of. thematic continuation of stuck from dinosaurchestra, even if there's no real death in there. interesting. would also mean that the dad from these past 2 songs is named carlos betty (no last name)

-i literally never assumed this was a flute solo. piccolo at best. it's pretty clearly a recorder

-my mom plays the recorder. i wonder if she can play recorder better than neil cicierega

-we can throw a party in honor of the crushing weight of responsibility! i simply won't be the one throwing it because i have enough on my plate already <3

-what the hell does "a sense of intent" mean

-i've never heard rush before however i disagree with neil's understanding of 6/4. 6/4 is meant to have emphasis (onbeat or another term i can't remember) on the 1st & 4th beat of every measure, which is greatly different from a measure of 4/4 then a measure of 2/4. it's why his 5/4 always sounds weird, because while it's recognizable in sequences of 10/4, it's more 2 measures of 4/4 with one of 2/4 tacked on the end. that's also how it's different from 3/4. i don't know much music theory but what i do understand i will fight to the death about

-"canonized" that's. a very interesting term to use when referring to a former president

-from now on i will interpret every love song directed at some unseen "you" to be inviting me to marry them for tax purposes. thanks neil for being an aromantic icon

-ah hell yes hell yes man-made object is my favorite goddam song on this album

-short & sweet & good damn vibes. neil's thoughts on it all are only making it better

-wild how he uses very few vocal effects for a song that he clearly is straining his vocal range for. go off neil

-the qualifier of man-made is a wonderful thing. oldest or biggest thing? oldest or biggest man-made thing? what a incredibly important specification. a world of possibilities lie between the two. oh i love it

-just gets me thinking yknow! what we consider weird/impressive in another species, in our own species- what kind of equivalent to that would there be from an outsider looking in? are there alien versions of the significances we place upon things, that we could never imagine? the limits of the human imagination mean we could never conceive of something else in the world that isn't, in some way great or small, just like us- and are we wrong for thinking that? such a juicy topic i wish there were a name for it because it's kinda hard to explain concisely

-spiral of ants. my second favorite song from this album, in fact. a good one to experience

-the vocals are just another instrument. they really truly are. i wasn't going into this commentary expecting to feel solidarity for neil cicierega in this chili's tonight on more than one occasion but here i am.

-like, his whole stance on interpreting songs is something i agree with almost entirely. you can take it at face value, you can dig to their very depths, you can listen to songs without caring what the lyrics mean whatsoever, and those are all fun. & yeah while any of these people can be annoying as one of the types who enjoys gliding on the surface more than anything i find those who dedicate themselves to figuring out the whole meaning of a song over anything else to be both slightly scary & slightly annoying <3 keep up the good work

-i want to make songs for my siblings the way neil makes songs for his sibling(s)

-spinch

-neil really shouldn't be allowed to be this funny like this whole album youre thinking golly! he's just a normal man this neil cicierega! and then he starts listing the cat hacks jokes & you remember he's had ridiculously consistent viral success with all his humorous endeavors and holy shit it's neil cicierega in action talking about his music. god bless you neil

-you're welcome, no problem, my pleasure. good eveternoon, radio audience!

#lemon demon #spirit phone #pretty sure this is my first bit of spirit phone content on my blog. hi greater lem dem fandom nice to see y'all. go listen to deporitaz #loolin liveblogs #i enjoyed this less for the content the commentary contained & more for the way i handled it. more pleasant than some times ive had #tis i #i havent listened to spirit phone in general in ages. i know why. so this was nice #to the world and back again

[belleandkurtbastian]

SUS 10x08 thoughts

Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead... Actually, I’m kinda sad about that. I liked watching Paula.

Something about who’s looking after Fred, something about Kev and V getting a tax rebate from the IRS...

Boyfriends arguing about who killed their PO *heart eyes*

Okay, first of all, SURELY Debbie knows that that woman thought she was a prostitute... And like I said a week ago, if I were in her situation, I would also have taken the money.

Second of all, “this is a brothers-only situation”. Awww, Lip/Ian bonding over Ian’s boyfriend maybe killing their parole officer.

Third of all... Is this REALLY what Ian and Mickey’s blow-up is going to be about?! I can’t tell if I’m relieved or annoyed.

“I’m probably homeless right now. Gotta check with the kids about that.” I sure hope so.

“You ever heard of faking a birth certificate?” Just a reminder, Carl - Ian stole Lip’s identity in S3. Maybe don’t try that in particular.

Oh for FUCK’S SAKE, IAN. This is going to be such a season 3 “It’s just a piece of paper” flashback...

“22,911 sq ft” - that sounds big, but I have no sense of scale for area.

“Who’s Ian?” Haha. Funny, Terry. Funny.

“Cops gonna pin this on you so fast[...]” ... Okay, hate to say it, Mickey... but he’s RIGHT.

“Milkovich men marry vaginas”... AAAAAND we’re back.

“He’s gay. I’m gay. People are gay.” I’m still not sure what to make of Sandy.

“You marry someone with a cock, I will bludgeon you dead in your sleep.” I don’t doubt it for a second.

Can I hope this was the last we’ll see of Terry for the rest of time (even though I know it isn’t?)

“It’s kind of a big step, don’t you think?” THE IRONIC ECHOES OF “It’s just a piece of paper” ARE HERE.

Okay... Ian is clearly doing this for Mickey’s protection, and Mickey clearly thinks that Ian is doing it for his OWN protection...

... For such a homophobic show, they sure have a lot of gay characters (if that news report is anything to go by, at least).

“Name me one person I’ve murdered.” I mean, obviously, fair point... but also, if Mickey HAD murdered someone, he’s not going to go around telling everyone...

Well, that accounts for the rest of the circumstances of Ian’s conception. Frank was in court so Monica went on a PCP spree with his brother.

Oh wow. We’ve seen Noel play Mickey angry. We’ve seen Noel play Mickey heartbroken... I don’t think we’ve REALLY seen Noel play both at the same time. Or at least, not verbally.

Okay, so we HAVE seen Mickey beat Ian up while angry and heartbroken before...

Unfortunately, they’re not going to explore Mickey’s emotions anywhere near as strongly as they did in S3-5, are they?

#.n #.text #shameless us #shameless s10 #shameless 10x08 #sus 10x08 #shameless

[teacupfulofstarshine]

crazy little thing called love

(this is my secret santa fic for @ethospathoslogan !!! MERRY BITCHMAS JORDS, PETTY BITCH WIFE, LOML, ILY!!! and merry bitchmas to all of you, have some gay fluff <3

SUMMARY: logan deals with facts, with objectivity and reason and rationale. he also deals with his boyfriend, who is the exact opposite of those in every way. and logan can't help loving him for it.

(OR: logan tries to figure out how to propose to roman on christmas.)

PAIRINGS: romantic logince, background romantic moxiety, the barest smidge of background remile 

WORD COUNT: ~5600

TW: v mild anxiety, passing mention of past depression (nothing srs, this is a happy fic i promise)

read on ao3!!! 

*~*~*~*~*

Logan pushes away from his microscope with a sigh, smoothing his hands down the crisp white front of his lab coat. Normally, he’d just stretch and pour himself some of the crappy coffee Patton makes in their ancient Keurig and get right back to his research, but tonight, something feels . . . off. He can normally focus on his work for hours at a time, zoning out and ignoring everything else completely, but tonight . . .

Tonight, he’s distracted. There’s a weight in his pocket, and it grows heavier with every passing second. All he wants to do is go home, put on sweatpants that are a little too small and a sweatshirt that’s a little too large, and drag Roman into bed with him. He wants to wrap his arms around Roman’s torso and have Roman snuggle up to his waist and bury his face into Roman’s soft, coffee-scented hair.

Roman is his boyfriend, and Roman is the love of his life. But Logan no longer wants Roman to be his boyfriend.

He wants Roman to be his fiancé.

There’s a gentle hand on his shoulder, a soft “Behind you”, and then his boss steps into his field of vision. Patton has some kind of plant matter smeared all over his cheeks, and there’s a crown of bright red roses in his hair. “Logan!” he says; Logan realizes he’s been calling his name for the past five minutes or so.

“I - I apologize, Doctor Tarian, I -”

“Logan, please. I’ve told you to call me Patton!”

“I . . . apologize, P - Patton. I was merely lost in thought.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Logan! It’s getting late, you must be exhausted!”

“I am normally here far later than this,” Logan argues. “It is often inconsequential. But tonight, there is something off. I cannot put my finger on it, but I do not feel . . . right.”

“Well, could that be because it’s Christmas Eve?”

Logan snaps his head up from where it’s been leaning towards his microscope again. “It - it is what?!”

Patton pulls his phone out and shows Logan the lockscreen. It’s a photo of Patton and his husband (one of the baristas at Roman’s shop), but Logan is fixated on the date: December 24.

“Oh . . . oh my stars. It is Christmas Eve, and I . . . I am . . .” “Going home?” Patton suggests. “I know Virgil said the shop was closing early today, so I promised I would close the lab early too. We’ve got dinner plans. And by dinner plans, I mean I’m going to make breadcrumb fried chicken and he’s going to make noodles with sour cream and we’re going to eat store-bought cake and watch Christmas movies.”

He tilts his head at Logan, and the light glints off his glasses, adding an eerie, intelligent luminescence to his bright blue eyes. “What are you going to do tonight, Logan?”

Logan doesn’t know why he does it. He’s been working here for almost two years, and despite the fact that Patton is by all accounts incredibly friendly and personable, Logan’s been hesitant to open up to him. Still, he finds himself reaching into the pocket of his lab coat and pulling out a small, black velvet box.

“I . . . I may . . . I may propose to my boyfriend. I don’t know.”

Patton hums in consideration before hopping up onto a clear area of Logan’s lab table, swinging his legs. “Why don’t you know?”

“Wh . . . what?”

“Well, you seem hesitant to propose. Why is that? Do you have qualms about the concept of marriage?”

Logan shakes his head. “No, I - marriage is an institution, and one that has not always been readily available to the non-heterosexuals. I am not averse to participating. Additionally, there are excellent tax benefits.”

Patton giggles a little. “Tax benefits,” he mutters. “Okay, so there’s financial motivation. Have you known your boyfriend a long time?”

Logan nods. “Roman and I met in college. I often snuck into the auditorium after hours to do my work in solitude, and one night I snuck in there to find that I was not alone. He was practicing for an upcoming audition, and he was . . . breathtaking.”

Patton hums appreciatively.

“We were friends for three years. He finally asked me out our senior year, in the most dramatic fashion possible. I have never known him to do anything less than the most dramatic option, now that I think about it . . .”

Logan giggles - giggles - a little when he thinks about Roman. By all accounts, they shouldn’t work. He can be arrogant and short-tempered, and Roman is passionate and hot-headed, and they’re both so stubborn that compromise is often way out of the picture. And yet, someone, they work. Logan doesn’t pretend to know how, but they do.

“Roman is . . . Roman is everything to me. I love Roman - hell, I think I may be in love with Roman. I just . . . I don’t know if he feels the same way. He says that he loves me, and it is typical to love the person with whom you are engaged in a romantic partnership, but - but I still find myself hesitating. And I - I do not know why that is, because logically, I am being stupid, but -”

“Lo, you’re a brilliant scientist, but this isn’t something that you can work out with logic and numbers,” Patton says softly. “I think that’s why you’re hesitating. Because it’s feelings. And feelings are a non-quantifiable entity, as you’re so fond of putting in your reports.”

Logan blushes. “You . . . actually read those?”

“I’m your boss, Logan. It’s kind of my job to ‘actually read’ what you put on my desk.”

Logan fiddles with the eyepiece of his microscope. “You . . . are correct. I enjoy concrete data. I prefer to know exactly what is happening at all time. I like to be certain - I like to have all the facts. But with something like this, with . . . with someone like this, I . . . I cannot be certain. It is impossible for me to know exactly what Roman is thinking at any given moment in time.”

“Logan, when Virgil proposed to me, do you think he knew my exact thought process?”

“Well, no, but from my limited understanding, you and Virgil have known each other almost your entire lives. He had significantly more data on which to build his estimate of your response to his proposal than I do, and -”

“Poor Virgil was so nervous about what I’d say that he almost threw up. And keep in mind, this was after we’d been living together for years and had been discussing the topic of marriage on and off for a few months.”

“But he still proposed?”

Patton shifts his left hand subtly, letting the harsh fluorescent lighting gleam off the simple silver band on his finger. “I’m married to him, aren’t I?”

“That is . . . correct . . .”

Patton twists his wedding band as he talks. “I know it can be difficult to talk about feelings, Logan. They’re nothing like the hard sciences. You can’t write out a data sheet and plot a graph of someone’s love for you, as easy as that would make things. There’s very little concrete evidence here.”

Logan feels his heart sink straight through his body and shatter against the pavement. “I . . . I did make a . . . a spreadsheet . . .”

Patton’s eyes widen. “You . . . plotted a spreadsheet . . . of Roman’s love for you?”

“K . . . kind of . . .?”

Patton stares at him for a moment, and then he throws his head backwards and he laughs. Patton’s laugh is deep and full-bodied, and even though Logan suspects that he’s being laughed at, he can’t help but laugh a little himself. Patton is just the kind of person who makes everyone around him happy.

“Logan, you’re a treat, you really are,” he says, shoving his glasses out of the way and wiping at his eyes. “That is absolutely something that you would do.”

“I . . . I don’t think it’s working,” Logan says softly. “The whole point of the graph was to help me get over my irrational terror of proposing to Roman, and yet i still find myself shaking at the prospect! We have discussed the concept of marriage at multiple points, and we have both said that we would be open and amicable to the idea of marrying each other. Why, then, does the entire concept fill me with such terror and anticipation!”

He pushes angrily away from his desk, sending his chair whirling around in circles with the force. Rather than planting his feet and stopping the spin, he whips across the lab, narrowly managing to avoid collision with the wall. Patton hops off the table and follows Logan’s erratic path across the lab.

“Have you considered that you’re nervous because you love him?”

“What? That is absurd, Patton, surely the knowledge of our love would be a comfort to me, rather than a detriment?”

“Well, think about it. You love Roman, right? You love him so much that you’re considering asking him to be your husband. He clearly means a lot to you. And even though you’ve talked about marriage before, you can’t say with 100% certainty that he’ll say yes. It’s an unknown variable, and that terrifies a scientist like you, am I right?”

“It . . . I . . . you are very good at this, Patton.”

Patton laughs a little. “Well, when your twin’s a therapist, you kind of rub off on each other.”

Logan blinks. “You have a twin?”

“Yeah! His name’s Emile, he’s super great! His fiancé works at Roman’s shop with Virgil!”

“Apparently, everyone works with Roman,” Logan says.

“Everyone you know, anyways!”

The name Patton had said finally clicks into Logan’s brain. “Wait, you mean Emile Picani is your twin brother?”

“Yep! I took Virgil’s last name when we got married!”

“Your twin . . . is my therapist.”

“Oh, really? That’s so cool - but that’s not the point! The point is, romance isn’t supposed to be neat and scientific! It’s supposed to be messy. Do you know why?”

“Love is just a reaction caused by the interaction of various neurochemicals in the brain, I do not understand why it remains so complicated!”

“Love is more than that, Logan. It’s human. And because it’s human, it’s prone to error and messiness and weirdness, and that’s what makes it wonderful! It’s not perfect, Logan, but it’s not supposed to be. We just have to do our best and hope for the best, and honestly? As long as you get to be with your loved ones, does it really matter if it’s perfect?”

“I - I am a scientist, Patton, I strive for objectivity and - and facts and - and the truth and -”

“Well, answer me this, then, Logan. Truthfully. Would you rather have a perfect, objective life without Roman, or an imperfect, subjective life with him?”

“I - Roman. I want Roman. I don’t care if it’s perfect, I don’t care if it’s subjective, I don’t care if it’s messy or imperfect or - or - I - I just want Roman, if - if he’ll have me.”

Patton smiles. “From what you’ve told me, and the horror stories Virgil tells me about how lovestruck Roman is all day, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. But if you’re really concerned, here!” He plucks the crown of bright red roses off his head and deposits it neatly onto Logan’s head.

“What . . . what am I supposed to -”

“Give it to Roman,” Patton says. “He likes flowers, right? I always see you taking them home for him when you get particularly exceptional blossoms.”

Logan blushes. “I . . . th-thank you, Patton. I am sure he’ll greatly appreciate these.”

Logan clocks out on time, for once - which is to say, approximately four hours before he normally does. He tugs his thick woolen coat more firmly around himself and carefully winds the scarf Roman knit for his last birthday around his neck. He cradles the crown of roses carefully in his gloved hands as he walks, patting the coat pocket with the ring box in it.

Roman is the love of his life. He’d given up on finding anyone who would ever accept his eccentricities, and yet Roman had taken a look at the socially awkward chemistry nerd he’d been in college and decided to give him a chance, and Logan has never felt able to repay what Roman did for him.

Roman doesn’t know it, but he’d found Logan in an incredibly dark place. Logan won’t go so far as to attribute his recovery to Roman, because that’s foolish - he’d had to recover on his own, of course, had to make the hard decisions. But Roman had taken his hands on one particularly bad night and sworn that Logan might have to do it himself, but he didn’t have to do it alone. He was the first person to ever tell Logan something like that, and it was the final catalyst Logan had needed.

He goes to therapy now, and he takes medicine for his depression and his social anxiety, and he actively works to make his life better. He’s never known how to thank Roman, or to properly express how much he means to him, but he’s determined to get it across.

Still, he can’t help the nerves that bubble in his chest. Roman is ridiculously attractive and such a talented singer and baker and he runs his own business and he volunteers at the children’s drama theater on the weekends and he’s everything that Logan wishes he could be, except better, somehow. He loves Roman so much he feels like his heart is going to explode.

Roman’s coffee shop is exactly four and a half blocks away from the lab where Logan works. He’s memorized every single possible route from his office to Roman’s shop, and while occasionally he’ll meander around and take the scenic route, he’s a man on a mission today. He takes the most direct route home, carefully clinging to the roses.

He’s paused at the sidewalk, waiting for the WALK signal to flash, when something small and white floats down from the sky and lands on one of the roses in his hands. He blinks, staring at it without comprehending as another little white thing sticks to his smudged glasses.Then another, and another, and another and another and suddenly his frazzled brain puts everything together.

It’s snowing.

In his mind, he can already hear Roman shouting. It’s SNOWING, Logan! We gotta go outside and have a snowball fight so I can deck you! Come on, come on, it’s the most magical thing about winter!

Logan watches as the little flurries melt in his fog of breath, and tips his head back to watch the flakes become fatter and fluffier. He stares into the gray sky and makes a silent resolution: if it’s still snowing tonight, he will propose to Roman. It will be a sign from the universe that he’s doing the right thing, and it will be romantic. Roman loves romantic.

Finally, he catches sight of Prince Coffee, and a little of the weight hanging on his heart lightens. The door is painted a cheerful red, a bright splash of color in the otherwise drab and dreary city. Logan carefully shifts the roses to one hand and pulls the door open. The little bell that rings when the door opens has been replaced with sleigh bells for the holiday season.

“It is Christmas Eve, it is seven minutes until closing, the coffee machines are already clean, and I do not have the time to make fucking coffee right now I just want to go the fuck home,” Virgil says. Logan can’t see him, but he assumes that the assistant manager is probably lurking underneath the counter.

“I, too, wish to go home, which is why I’m here,” Logan says drily. Virgil pops up from behind the counter, eyes wide, face flushed with embarrassment.

“Oh! Sorry, Mr. Sanders, I just -”

“Do not stress yourself, Virgil, I understand. I usually arrive home much later than this, but your husband . . . talked some sense into me. And please, you may call me Logan.”

“What did Pat say to you?”

Logan gently sets the rose crown on the counter. “Is Roman . . . sufficiently preoccupied?”

Virgil rolls his eyes. “He’s in the back prepping dough to rest overnight, and he’s got headphones on blaring show tunes. I think we’re safe. Listen, you can still hear him.”

Logan strains his ears, but he doesn’t have to listen very hard for Roman’s bright voice, belting at the top of his lungs. Virgil rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “Yeah, you’re good. So, what did Pat say? Did he force you to talk about your feelings? I know Emile’s the therapist but honestly sometimes I wonder if Pat’s secretly a therapist with the way he talks sometimes . . .”

Logan laughs softly. “Well, I do not know if I would consider that forcing, but feelings were discussed, yes. Specifically . . . specifically my feelings towards Roman . . .”

Virgil’s face falls into seriousness instantly. “Oh, god, are you breaking up with him? Because I know I complain about the fact that Roman waxes poetic about you twenty-four-seven, but i’m pretty sure that the only thing worse than that would be Roman sobbing about your breakup twenty-four-seven, plus he’d be absolutely shattered and then I’d have to fight you and I don’t wanna fight anyone -”

“Virgil!” Logan says, slightly alarmed by the way Virgil is spiralling. “Calm yourself, I am not breaking up with Roman!”

“Oh - oh, you’re - you’re not?”

“Quite the opposite, actually,” Logan says, and he’s grateful that his cheeks were already flushed from the cold air outside because he’s certain that he’s blushing brightly. “I do not wish to end our relationship, but - but rather, I hope to prolong and cement it.”

He pulls the ring box out of his pocket and shows it to Virgil. His eyes go comically wide. “You . . . you’re going to propose to Roman?!”

Logan shushes him frantically, but Roman is still singing loudly and doesn’t appear to have heard anything at all. “Yes, I . . . I have had this ring for almost two weeks now . . . but I have not managed to gather the courage to propose to him. I know I am being irrational, but . . .”

“You’re not,” Virgil says immediately. “You’re not being irrational. Everyone’s nervous when they take big relationship steps like that. Patton explicitly said that he’d love to be married, and I still had three panic attacks before I managed to ask him to marry me.”

Logan runs his fingers over the soft velvet of the ring box. “He just . . . he just means so much to me . . . and I . . . I know that, despite my many strengths, expressing my emotions is far from one of them. I am good at facts. Emotions are not factual. They are subjective, and I . . . I hate it. I hate that in every other area of my life, I am articulate and concise, and yet I cannot find the words to tell the love of my life that I wish him to be mine for eternity.”

Virgil blinks, cheeks slightly pink. “Well damn, Lo, just tell him that and I’m sure that it’ll be fine!”

Logan shoves the ring box back into his pocket and ducks back behind the counter. “I have made a decision. It is snowing tonight, and Roman has always loved the so-called ‘magic’ and ‘romance’ of snowy nights. So, if it is still snowing at midnight, I will propose to him tonight.”

“Christmas proposal?” Virgil laughs. “Man, Logan, for someone who claims that you’re not very romantic, this sounds like the single most romantic thing you could do.”

“Roman is the romantic,” Logan mumbles. “He deserves the best. My best is certainly mediocre compared to what he could do, but I hope that it is at least marginally acceptable.”

“Roman loves you,” Virgil says gently. “I wasn’t kidding about him waxing poetic about you all damn day. You’re the light of his life, and I’m sure he’s going to accept your proposal.”

Logan smiles softly at Virgil, picking up the rose crown. “I hope that you and Patton have a very Merry Christmas, indeed, Virgil.”

“Same to you and Roman,” Virgil says. Logan smiles softly at him before gently pushing the kitchen door open with his shoulder.

Just as Virgil had said, Roman is in the kitchen, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, headphones clamped firmly over his ears. He’s kneading a truly massive ball of bread dough, singing loudly. Logan looks at all of the trays of perfectly portioned dough balls sitting on almost every available surface and smiles to himself.

Roman suddenly belts out, “SOUTHERN MOTHER-FUCKING DEMOCRATIC REPUBLICANS!”

Logan can’t stop himself from laughing, because of course that’s the line that Roman chooses to shout. He expects nothing less. Roman turns to reach for another sheet pan, and he catches sight of Logan. The change is almost instantaneous - his massive smile grows three sizes wider, his eyes light up, and he’s quick to towel his hands off before pressing the pause button on his headphones and sliding them around his neck as he throws himself at Logan.

Logan catches Roman easily, feeling Roman’s arms latch around his neck and hug him tight. “Lo! You’re back so early today, my darling prince! I thought you were working late again!”

“Patton closed the lab early,” Logan says, “on account of it being Christmas Eve and all that. And . . . and I missed you. I confess that I have been working far more late evenings and early mornings than usual, and while I enjoy the knowledge that I am bringing home more money for you, I . . . I miss you.”

Roman pulls his face out from where he’s buried it in Logan’s shoulder and carefully presses their foreheads together. “Oh, Logan, mi estrella, you don’t have to work as hard as you do. You know that, don’t you? The amount of money you bring home doesn’t matter to me. I love you, not your wealth. We’re happy with what we have, aren’t we?”

Logan doesn’t mention the real reason that he’s worked so many extra hours - earning enough to buy Roman an engagement ring. Instead, he leans forward and gently kisses the flour-smeared tip of Roman’s nose. “We are, my love. We are.”

Roman smiles softly at him and leans forward to kiss Logan. He tastes like jam and coffee, and Logan gently brings one hand up to cup the back of Roman’s head. He threads his fingers through Roman’s silky-soft curls, gently scratching at his scalp, and he can feel more than hear Roman humming happily.

“I have something for you,” Logan says.

“A present? For me? But it’s not even Christmas yet!”

Logan laughs a little, sadly pulling his arms away from Roman’s waist to present the crown of roses to him. “Patton wove it out of a few of his blossoms. He thought that you might enjoy it.”

Roman carefully takes the rose crown and sets it on his head. Logan loves the way the bright red roses look nestled among Roman’s caramel curls. “Logan, mi estrella, it’s absolutely perfect! I love it so much. It’s a perfect early Christmas present, really. Thank you so much.”

Logan kisses his forehead. “Only the best for you, my rose.”

Roman blushes. “I’m just going to finish this last batch of dough so it can prove overnight, and then I’ll be up.”

“Roman, love, why are you prepping so much? Isn’t the shop closed tomorrow?”

“Yes, but it’s Christmas, and Patton invited us to his holiday party, remember? I’m bringing treats!”

Logan thinks that it’s still an awful lot of baked goods, but he isn’t going to question Roman. He’s not the one with a pastry degree, after all. “All right, my darling. I’ll meet you upstairs, then?”

Roman kisses him again, once, twice, three times, and then Logan heads upstairs. He changes into sweatpants that are a little too small and a sweatshirt that’s a little too big and puts on a pot of tea, running his finger over and over the quickly-wearing-out velvet of the ring box. He paces around the little living room of their apartment, eyes flickering between the door Roman will be coming through and the stove where the water slowly rises to a boil and the window, where the streetlight continues to illuminate fat fluffs of snow.

Roman doesn’t come upstairs until eleven thirty-six pm, and he looks absolutely exhausted. Logan pours him a mug of the tea he’s been keeping warm, and Roman quickly changes into pajamas. Logan sits down on the couch and pats his lap. “Come and cuddle with me, my rose.”

Roman yawns, tucking his body up into a neat little ball on Roman’s lap, and nuzzles into his neck. “Mi estrella, I’ve missed this,” he mumbles, letting Logan wind his arms tightly around his waist to keep his limp, sleepy body in place.  “I know you’ve been working late to provide for us and stuff, but I do that too. You can come home more often.”

“I am sorry, Roman, my rose,” Logan murmurs. “I will endeavor to be home more often in the future.” He gently presses little kisses to Roman’s cheeks and temple as Roman quietly sips his tea. On any other night, Logan would let Roman fall asleep in his arms. He would take his armful of sleepy, pliant boyfriend and tuck him up in a little cocoon of blankets and crawl in next to him and curl around him.

Perhaps they will still do that later. But not right now. Right now, it’s ten minutes to midnight, and the snow shows no signs of letting up now and Logan knows what he has to do. He gently shakes Roman’s shoulder. “Roman, my rose, my love, wake up, darling.”

Roman hums, disgruntled, and opens his eyes with a sleepy grumble. “Mmmnnnn wha’s hap’nin’?”

“Dearest one, can you please put on some clothes?” Logan asks. “There are only ten minutes until midnight, and I have a time-sensitive surprise for you.” Roman rubs his eyes, sitting up slowly. Logan smiles, leaning forward to kiss him, and even though Roman is only a little bit awake he kisses back anyway.

“Only for you, mi estrella,” Roman sighs, pushing himself up off of Logan’s lap in one languid, fluid movement. Roman is long-limbed and lanky, and all of his movements look as though he’s dancing through the air. Even when he’s half awake and stumbling through the apartment to put on real pants, even when his hair is a tousled mess and his eyes are only barely open, every minute movement he makes look intentional and beautiful and perfect.

Logan can’t believe that he hasn’t married Roman sooner.

He pulls on thick pants and a thick sweatshirt and his heavy coat and scarf and gloves and knit hat, and by the time he’s dressed and Roman is ready and he’s located his keys, it’s eleven fifty-three. Logan gently leads Roman out of their apartment, out of the bakery, and down the snow-coated sidewalk.

“It’s still snowing,” Roman marvels softly, reaching the hand not tightly clutching Logan’s up to catch some of the snowflakes on his mittened palm. “It’s going to be a white Christmas after all.”

“Yes, Roman,” Logan says. “I do believe that it will be.”

“Where are we going, Lo?”

“You will see, darling.”

Logan and Roman walk two and a half blocks away from their apartment, to the river that runs through the middle of their city. There’s a footbridge leading over it as well as one for motor vehicles, and it’s the footbridge that Logan leads them over. The handrails have garlands wound around them, and street lamps perfectly spaced along the length. Logan stops under the street lamp in the exact middle of the bridge and gazes out over the length of the river, towards the ocean.

“It’s beautiful,” Roman sighs, staring out at the wide expanse of dark water. Some of the slower-moving patches near the banks have begun to freeze over, and the lights of the city reflect like shimmering water-stars.

Logan looks at Roman. “You most certainly are.”

Roman’s face is pale pink from the cold, but it turns pinker under Logan’s praise. “Logan, I -”

“Roman, this - it is not my strongest suit, so - so I ask that you have patience as I attempt to express myself.” Logan turns to stare at the water, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Roman turn to stare at him. He feels his cheeks and ears heat up as he blushes and tries to form his thoughts into something that he can say.

“I . . . I am not good with feelings. I am a scientist, Roman. I prefer things to be straightforward and objective and factual, and even though I could give you the chemical breakdown of love with my eyes closed and describe the necessary cerebral structures in my sleep. But when I look at you, I . . . all my logical thinking flies out the window and I lose my ability to form rational thought. You are . . . you represent everything in my life that I am not - you are reckless and passionate and emotional and subjective and . . . and I am . . . and I am unsure how to proceed when I am with you.”

Roman blinks. “O . . . oh . . .”

But Logan is not done yet. “And I find that wonderful.”

“Oh?”

“I met you in college, when I was in . . . a place that, God willing, I will never return to. There were many times where I feared that I would lose myself to the darkness, times that I thought I would lose all emotion in pursuit of pure logic. But you - you kept me sane. You challenged me to face my emotions, instead of ignoring them, and you helped me work towards admitting I needed help. And - and when I finally did, it was not because I wanted to make myself better for you. It was because you helped me see that . . . that I had an intrinsic worth, and that if I was to get better, it would have to be for myself and no one else. You changed my entire world view, my entire life, and I . . . I do not know that I will ever be able to thank you for all you have done for me and helped me do for myself.”

Logan finally turns away from the river and turns to look at Roman, who has gone completely scarlet. “Roman, my darling, my prince, the light and love of my life, I am never happier than when I am with you, never more at peace than when I rest in your arms, and never surer of myself than when you smile at me and tell me that you love me. I . . . I have agonized over this decision for weeks, even though the probability that you will react favorably is overwhelming. I hope that my anxiety over your response to this shows you just how much I value you and your presence within my life.”

He takes Roman’s hand in his own and slowly, carefully sinks to one knee, reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out the box. Roman’s free hand goes to his mouth. “Lo, I . . .”

“I know we have spoken about this subject at length, but still, I find myself hesitating. I love you so much, Roman, more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life, and I feared that a negative response might break me open and expose my vulnerabilities to the world. But what I failed to realize was that -”

The street lamp illuminates Roman’s caramel curls and brown irises, and Logan’s breath catches as he stares up at what he’s convinced must be an angel.

“What I failed to realize,” he whispers, “was that you, Roman, have been breaking me open the entire time. You have shattered the walls I built to protect myself, and you have seen me at my weakest and my worst and my darkest and you have loved me still. I - I know now that I have nothing to fear, and - and with that in mind, I - I have a question for you.” Logan releases Roman’s hand (which flies to join his other hand in pressing over his mouth) to open the ring box. Inside sits a simple golden band, with a small ruby set on it next to a dark blue sapphire. Light catches on the gemstones, lighting them up as though from the inside, dancing across the golden band as snowflakes land on the ring and Logan’s glasses and Roman’s hair. Roman’s eyes shine with tears.

“Roman Alejandro Prince,” Logan whispers softly, “will you do me the honor of marrying me?”

Roman doesn’t speak for a long time. His hands are pressed over his mouth, and as he blinks tears skitter down his face and glisten like diamonds on his cheeks. Slowly, he begins to nod his head up and down, gradually picking up steam until he’s frantically flinging his head up and down.

“Sí,” he chokes, wiping frantically at his cheeks as he falls to his knees to join Logan in the snow. “Mi amor, mi estrella, luz de mi vida, sí, sí, sí, me casaré contigo, I will marry you, mi estrella, te amo, te amo te quiero te quiero -”

Logan leans forward and silences Roman’s joyful rambling with a kiss as the bell tower begins to chime out the hour - twelve o’clock midnight, Christmas morning.

(The next day, when they go over to Patton’s house for Christmas, Roman is wearing his engagement ring. As Emile and Remy fawn over him and congratulate him, Patton wraps an arm around Virgil’s waist.

“I told you Logan would propose by Christmas,” he hums. Virgil hands him a $10 bill and kisses him, rolling his eyes.

“Yes, you did, Pat. Yes you did.”)

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@ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2

@radioactivehelena

@ethospathoslogan

@anxietyisthebestme

@pinkeasteregg

@entpscarleharrrr

@a-snoway-afternoon

@it-is-i-music-note-anon

@tera-91

@thisismedamit

@indanegalaxy

@so-many-ships-i-have-a-fleet

@maybekatie

@forsakethegodsbeforetheydoyou

@areyousirius-noheisdead

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@youllnevertaketheskyfromme

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@fangsandrainbows

@redundant-statements-for-400

@adka2333

@theresneverenoughfandoms

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@pinkpandapancakes

@the-better-bard

@a-little-bit-of-ace

@bisexualellaphants

@echomist13

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@light-it-on-fire

@kaileah-kat

@thatonetuesdaywhensam

@savemefrompainfulagony

@flamingfawkes

@browniebri

@romanssippycup

@soft-transboy

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@logical-but-anxious

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@fandomsofrandom

@trust-me-i-just-get-weirder

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@didnt-murder-anyone-yet

@hungry-red-panda

@holdyourbreathfornow

@forrestwyrm

@thefluffypuppyishere

@oh-star-how-the-mighty-fall

@statsvitenskap

@yty-is-a-gfeat

@wit-is-wisdom

@siren-art

@anxietyisthebestme

@randomfanderfriend

@kittengiggles-puppysnuffles

@a-saltine-in-trying-times

@queer-human-being

@thatpinkpony59

@i-have-n0-idea-what-im-d0ing

@breloomings

@noneed4thistbh

@kikirwheeler

@the-gayest-one-of-them-all

@thegoofyseadragon

@fantasyandfairfolk

@trashysugarbaby

@bassacaglia

@justanormalfoot

@alkimara

@apologetically-anxious

@stardustedsweaterlover

@punkassplonker

@wicked-universe

@maya-tl

@magicalmayhems

@lockolocka

@whyme-tho

@starbuckssippinson

@imnotcrazy-i-swaer

@jemthebookworm

@witchybitchylesbean

@blocksavage1776

@luckybanana948

@why-should-i-tell-youu

@wouldthehill

@pheasantjj

@themainhome

@cats-vetal-miking-vomit

@merlybird500

@error-i-dunno-what-went-wrong

@bangthekobrakid

@absoluteturnip

@dragonwitch20

@goofypersona

@anyay666

@teethietoothies

@smokeyrutilequartz

@i-really-dig-the-purple

@thinniewhinnie

@cieltheanon

@alotofstupidstuff

@impossiblepentagon

@sandersidestrash1

@suspicious-sweaters

@asymmetricalgarbage8888

@lollife

@insanegoldie2

@daring-elm

@why-should-i-tell-youu2

@paperghastly

@theunoriginaldaisy

@emocatholic

@the5thcoy

@apologetically-anxious

@radioactivehelena

@llamaly

@cloudedskies29

@riley-castillo

#starshinewrites #sanders sides #logince #moxiety #christmas fic #fluff #proposals #ethospathoslogan

[mymariahcarey]

Ready Baby? Will You Be My Man?

**a/n: **It took forever to write this one. Writing Patrick is not nearly as easy as writing David, for me anyway. It’s not beta’d. This is the second part of a series on AO3 called Cuz They Love Lizzo. The first part can be found on my Tumblr or on AO3.

**summary: **While listening to Lizzo, Patrick reflects on how much his life has changed since meeting David.

word count: ~1.9k

rating: T for language

It wasn’t his fault, he swears. He honestly blames Alexis. A few months ago on his morning jog and ran, nearly literally, into Alexis. He was shocked to see any of the Rose’s out of bed before 9 a.m, let alone as early a 7a.m. Apparently every now and then, which Patrick has now learned is at least once a week, Alexis has trouble sleeping and goes for early jogs.

She started joining Patrick on these mornings, and thus Patrick heard Lizzo for the first time. He’s normally more of an Alternative Rock guy. He’s insistent on the fact the 90’s has the best music, but there’s something special about these songs. 

Patrick thinks it has something to do with the sincerity wrapped in fun lyrics and a good beat. It reminds him a lot of his boyfriend. David, though quirky and hilarious, is someone that loves deeply and can be incredibly sincere all wrapped up in one very dramatic man.

So he likes Lizzo, he likes her so much he takes to playing her in the store instead of their normal soft jazz when there aren’t very many customers or when they’re doing inventory after closing. David protested a bit when he first started playing her, saying it didn’t go with the general aesthetic of the store but Patrick knew he liked it too. He would catch David occasionally mouthing the words to the lyrics and shimming his hips during one of the more upbeat songs. 

If asked, Patrick is pretty sure he has a favorite song. It’s the one that, when it plays he can’t help but think about how much his life has changed in the past two years. How much his boyfriend had a hand in that change.

Never been in love before, what the fuck are fucking feelings for?

It isn’t that Patrick would say he’s never been in love. He genuinely loved Rachel, he still does just not in the was she deserves, in the way he felt he was supposed to.

Being with Rachel, and the handful of other girls, had never felt right. At different points in his life Patrick had wondered if maybe he was gay, he definitely spent his fair share of time looking at men, much more than he spent looking at women. He always wrote it off, surely if he was gay he’d have known earlier in life.

Patrick grew up in a rather small town and wasn’t exposed to different walks of life other than middle america middle class until he went off to college. He didn’t really know there were other options.

Patrick rolls his eyes as he places the page turners on his fingers. David tells him constantly they don’t in fact help him turn pages faster but he is still in denial. Surely they serve a purpose.

He looks up and watches his boyfriend as he moves items around on the countertop, turning all the bottles so they’re facing the right direction, moving things to fill in gaps left by sales they’d made earlier in the day.

God Patrick loves this man. It’s a bit surreal. After all the years of wondering all it took was meeting this raven haired, snarky man, and he knew. He just knew. Though doubt was his worst enemy, never completely disappearing until things with David became too real to ignore.

Patrick was so thankful David had taken a risk, kissing him in the car after David’s birthday dinner. He’d wanted to kiss him for weeks at that point. He knew he was attracted to David, but he was worried it would turn into something fleeting, or he’d change his mind, or hell, he’d been wrong about himself.

He came to realize he was just scared. He cared a great deal about his business partner at that point, and was hesitant to do anything to jeopardize that. But when David had kissed him, that was the end of the doubts, and the end worrying about whether getting involved with his business partner was a good idea. It was clearly the best idea he’d ever had.

There was no turning back for Patrick after that. He wanted David. He also wanted to start out slow. While his doubts had faded, his insecurities hadn’t. He was new to this, to being with a man… especially a man as experienced as David seemed to be.

After many conversations and several makeout sessions, Patrick decided maybe the slow approach was overrated. In the rest of his life he was normally very straight forward and confident, he decided not to let the fact he was inexperienced stop him. Now, more often than not he took control of their physical relationship. He got a thrill out of making David weak in the knees. 

Tryna open up a little more, sorry if my heart a little slow.

Patrick could tell David was disappointed when he told him the apartment was just for him. They’d found a pretty great grove for their relationship and Patrick wasn’t sure he was ready to upset it. 

He also wasn’t sure where David stood with that amount of commitment. He knew without a doubt he wanted to spend forever with David, but after everything that had happened with Rachel it seemed so quick to go back to sharing a living space full time with someone.

They’ve also never spoken about the future of their relationship in detail. They make plans for the future as far as whose family they’ll spend holidays with, and a lot of decisions for the business, but neither one of them have brought up the fact there’s more steps their relationship can take.

Patrick wondered if this is why things had become more strained between them since he moved into his apartment. He also knew part of it was certainly to do with the fact that his parents had been calling a bit more regularly. Keeping David a secret was torturous, he so wanted to tell them. The anxiety about their reaction and David’s reaction when they found out caused his temper to be shorter, his decision making to be a little more cloudy than usual.

He knew it had affected David as well, but he stuck by his side through it all. Most importantly through his parents coming to town and him finally having the talk with them.

It’s after that, that Patrick figured out what his next step was. Knowing David was willing to move in with him told him he was ready for the commitment, and now that Patrick’s family knows everything about his new life, he knows he wants to ask David to marry him.

He is going to ask him. Tomorrow.

He’s been planning it ever since and he’s pretty certain he’s figured out the perfect way to do it. He just hopes David cooperates. 

I thought that I didn’t care, I thought I was love impaired.

Patrick looks over at his boyfriend again, seeing his mouth tick up in the corner, revealing the small smile he’s grown to love so much. The smile he’s come to know as the one he sees when David is trying to hide the full extent of his happiness or amusement.

He can’t imagine a world where he’d never come to Schitt’s Creek. A world where David had never kissed him in the car. A world where Patrick had never learned what love really was, what to love someone unconditionally meant. 

Loving David had taught him all the things he’d felt he’s been missing, all the things that made him broken. Sometimes he’d look at David and his felt fit to burst. 

…Now I’m crazy bout to tat your name.

When David chuckles, Patrick realizes he may have been listening to the song a little more closely than it seemed.

“What’s so amusing about healing crystals?” he asks, finally ready to give David part of the details about what he has planned for tomorrow.

Waving his hands in an awkward gesture and then shrugging David replies, “Maybe I was… getting healed. You did leave a bit of a, how would you put it, disgusting bruise on my lower back this morning.”

It’s his turn to chuckle now, unable to control the subtle blush he feels spread across his cheeks.

“Speaking of mornings… I was thinking maybe we could close the store tomorrow. I know it’s a bit last minute but it’s been awhile since we’ve been out. I was hoping to take you on a picnic,” Patrick suggests removing the rubber fingertips.

“Well, you know you don’t have to convince me to close the store. You do however have to convince me to eat outside with bugs and dirt,” David answers, his nose scrunching up like it does when Patrick tries to convince him to do anything that may mess up one of sweaters.

Moving around the counter Patrick makes his way towards his boyfriend and smirks, “alright, how about we leave around 11. Not too early. Maybe I’ll pack some of the fancy cheese,” he finishes, leaning his hip against the counter David has been working at. He reaches his hand out and it lands on David’s wonderful love handle.

“Mmm… I guess maybe that sounds fun,” he breathes. Patrick can see how distracted he’s making David. Not only is he suggesting they do something spontaneous, he also gets a little dazed when Patrick gets handsy at work.

David leans forward, his lips an inch from his, “Make it noon, and you have a deal.”

Closing the distance and kissing his boyfriend softly before retreating, Patrick nods, “then it’s a date.”

But baby, I don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m crying cuz I love you.

This lyric of course, pops in his head after a very stressful and taxing hike he makes his boyfriend take the next afternoon. Everything that can go wrong is going wrong. He’s ready to turn around and take his boy home. He’s so ready to throw in the towel because surely at this point there’s no way in hell David is going to say yes.

It pops in his head after his boyfriend carries him on his back for the last leg of their journey, after David assures he does indeed want to spend this time with him, no matter how much he may hate the activity.

He’s still not sure he’s going to go ahead with the plans until he sees David standing where he stood on so many mornings. He stood in the spot day after day thinking about this beautiful man he wanted to badly to kiss. 

It pops in his head again as David insists on setting up the picnic despite his protests. So, Patrick tells him where the blanket is, where the cheese is. 

When David pulls the champagne out he’s certain he can hear Lizzo singing that damn line in his head. He can write the champagne off, of course he can, but he doesn’t want to. 

It pops in his head as he slides off the rock he’s perched on and onto one knee. He tells David the story of this spot, he tells him he is the love of his life. Tears stream down his face at the look of shock and then joy on his boyfriend’s handsome face. He’s assures David he’s never been more sure of anything in his life.

He’s certain his heart explodes when he hears David utter the words, “It’s a yes. I love you.”

#david x patrick #david rose #patrick brewer #schitt's creek #schitts creek #sc spoilers #fanfic #mystuff #lizzo #otp: simply the best

[nouies-moved]

BEST FICS OF 2017 picked by notchopsuey manips | other recs | rec page

#1. Runaway Land. 103k. Louis is sure he’s stumbled upon a secret, underground nightclub, though that is far from the truth. He’s also pretty sure he’s stumbled upon Apollo, which… isn’t very far from the truth, actually. Modern Greek mythology AU. #2. You Might Want to Marry My Husband. 24k. When Harry’s husband dies, he asks one thing of him; to find love and happiness again without him. It’s a request that Harry is happy to disregard, until he meets the one person who is impossible to ignore. #3. Love's Truest Language. 48k. The first part was meant as a joke. He didn't really expect Harry to buy anything. It was just Louis’ way of softening the ‘get the fuck out’ blow. “Where's your order forms, then?” “I don't want your flowers.” Louis chided before directing all of his attention to the arrangement in front of him. Harry laughed under his breath as he stood to his full height, “Who said anything about them being for you, love?”

#4. got the sunshine on my shoulders. 124k. five years ago, harry styles left his tiny home town to make it big as a recording artist. he didn't have much regard for what he left behind - a life, a family, and a husband, who woke up one morning to find him gone. now, harry has everything he could possibly want: he's rich, famous, and adored by everyone he meets, including his boyfriend. but when said boyfriend proposes to him, he's forced to face the uncomfortable facts of his past - and louis, who's spent the last five years returning every set of divorce papers harry sent him. (or, an au based on the movie sweet home alabama.)

#5. Be with me so happily. 42k. Harry Styles may have had his doubts at first, but by the time the gates to the elephant sanctuary came into view he was one hundred percent positive. Louis Tomlinson hated his guts. Like hated, hated. Like loathed-him-on-sight hated. From what Harry could tell, he hadn’t even done anything close to insulting enough to warrant the disdain that was Louis Tomlinson’s default expression whenever he looked at Harry. It really wasn’t fair. Especially since he’d been lusting after the man from the second he’d laid eyes on that pretty, pretty face with those pretty, pretty eyes. Or ... the one where Harry Styles has a bad reputation and a heart of gold, and Louis Tomlinson wishes he wasn't so enchanted by boys who looked like Disney characters and wore shirts with bumble bees on them. [aka Louis is the director of the Styles Elephant Sanctuary and really doesn't want to babysit his funder's spoiled lay-about son for two months] #6. rivers 'til i reach you. 29k. Louis can’t begin to understand how he’s always this close and still can’t manage to make Harry his. He stands up and gets another beer. AU. Louis studies astronomy; Harry studies Louis. They spend their summers on the water and it shouldn't be complicated (spoiler: it is). #7. Fall At My Door. 29k. A-list actor Harry Styles and award-winning musician Louis Tomlinson have an acquaintances-with-benefits relationship, so whenever their busy professional lives happen to land them in the same city, they meet up. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. And that’s all it is. Until it isn’t. #8. When We Were Younger. 76k. About a week after Harry started visiting this particular chat room, he was watching some kid argue with the whole room about football, personally disinterested as he tipped a bag of crisps into his mouth. He happily chomped on the crumbs, taking a swig from a glass of Ribena to wash them down, glancing at the screen and very nearly spat the squash back out again. His heart was pounding wildly. The display icon of the argumentative newcomer had caught his eye, and not in a good way. He gulped as he clicked the picture, and when it popped up in full resolution, his heart nearly fell right out of his arse. - Sixteen year old Harry Styles’ world turns upside down when he logs on to gay teen chat to discover somebody has stolen his photos and used them as their own. #9. the wonderlands. 150k. "Somewhere between chaos and control — these are the wonderlands." Harry's daughter, Andy, is signed to Louis' girl band. Her path to success is marked by competition, chaos, and for Harry, a love affair. #10. Paint Me In A Million Dreams. 110k. Harry's one of Hollywood's biggest actors, has made a name for himself in prestigious films and lives the life of a superstar. There's just one thing missing to make it picture-perfect, but the one Harry's in love with is completely out of reach for him. Enter Louis, one of Hollywood's biggest actors himself, who just came out of the closet and taps new genres in the industry. When Louis sacks the role Harry auditioned for in Scorsese's next big film, their irrational feud starts. Who could have guessed it would get even worse when for promo season, their teams decide to present them as a couple for publicity? In short, Harry's in love with someone and doesn't care about dating anyone else, Louis never felt home in L.A., Liam writes love songs for someone he shouldn't write love songs to, and Niall makes everything better with good food. #11. Divide (series). 45k. Four AUs inspired by Ed Sheeran’s album “Divide”. #12. Brooklyn Saw Me. 28k. In the cold and unforgiving city of New York, Louis doesn't have a home and Harry wants to give him one. But as their heartstrings become increasingly intertwined, and the snow continues to fall, home is getting harder and harder to find. #13. Walk That Mile. 141k. Harry stares at him, the line of his jaw standing out scarily. “I wanted to get the most out of this trip so I planned it carefully.” His voice is low and steady and somehow that’s worse than when he was yelling. “So far, you’ve put your sticky fingers on everything I’ve tried to do.” “Sticky fingers?” Louis repeats, offended. “Are you saying it’s my fault you got stung by a bee? Had you been alone you would have gotten halfway to the Dotty Diner and ran the car off the road because of an allergic reaction, so don’t go blaming me.” “Polk-A-Dot Drive In,” Harry spits before getting out of the car. He slams the door shut with a deafening reverb and Louis rolls his eyes. - A Route 66 AU where falling in love was never part of the plan. #14. Never Let Me Go. 55k. “Harry! I’ll tell you what,” Louis exclaims, clapping his hands together. There’s a big grin on his face. “If both of us are still single by your thirtieth birthday, we’ll marry each other.” Harry’s head snaps up, eyes widening. “What?” Harry and Louis have been friends forever, but they couldn't be more different. One night, with a little too much alcohol, they make a pact to marry in ten years if they're both still single. Now, one month before the deadline, Louis is willing to do whatever it takes to avoid ending up with his best friend. But is he, really? | Loosely inspired by The 10 Year Plan #15. Do Not Go Gentle. 70k. “This is all a game to you, isn’t it? Well, it’s not for me. This is a real life or death situation,” Louis says, spitting the words at him. “And I just don’t think you’re cut out for it.” For a moment, they stare at each other in complete silence. Harry can feel his blood thrumming between his ears, can see Louis glaring at him, feels red-hot anger. And then all he feels, oppressively and desperately, is lust. Suddenly Louis is surging up to him to press his lips against Harry’s. Harry walks the two of them backwards, pressing Louis back against the door. Louis oomphs in surprise and brings his hands under Harry’s scrub top, scratching at his lower back. “Lock — oh — lock the… fucking door,” Louis mutters. When Harry Styles starts his first day as a surgical intern, he expects a lot of things: to treat patients, to observe a surgery, to feel a bit overwhelmed. What he definitely doesn't expect, however, is that the handsome guy he kicked out of his bed this morning is also an intern. A Grey’s Anatomy AU where tensions are high, Harry and Louis are hooking up in secret, and no one has time for love. Or do they? #16. Staring Across the Room. 26k. Harry Styles has a great life. He’s a children’s librarian at the New York Public Library, he’s got wonderful friends, and he loves cooking, green tea, yoga, and his collection of bow ties. He doesn’t mind that his life seems a little structured, maybe even a little boring. But when Louis Tomlinson joins the library staff as the new Installation Coordinator, things become a lot less predictable. Louis gets under his skin right from the start, bossing Harry around, making noise during story time, and eating the last cupcake in the staff lounge. Louis may be almost offensively attractive, but Harry will not be succumbing to Louis Tomlinson’s charms, even if the rest of the library staff have. #17. Take Me Back to Where We Started. 27k. Harry and Louis haven't spoken since they broke up four years ago. As boarding school sweethearts they once spent every waking moment together, but now they can hardly stand to be in the same room. When their five year class reunion comes around, both boys decide against their better judgement to return and (hopefully) have a good time. The only problem is, they're both still hopelessly in love. Starring Harry as the petty ex, Louis as the new James Bond, Niall as a boy genius and fake boyfriend extraordinaire, and Liam and Zayn as two friends just trying to make it out of this weekend alive. #18. Safe and Sound (You'll Always Be). 58k. When a failed case and a guilty conscience leaves Harry more than a little lost, his boss presents him with a new, less taxing assignment to help him cope. An escape from all the madness is just what Harry needs to get his life back on track. It's just too bad his new client has a grin like the devil, a pair of electric eyes that Harry simply can't get over, and no intention whatsoever of letting him catch a break. #19. never mind the odds (i'm gonna try my luck). 59k. Louis Tomlinson is going to be the journalistic voice of his generation. He’s just waiting for his editor to realize it. For now, he’s stuck writing fluff pieces for the Life and Style section of London Now Newspaper. His latest assignment is more of the same rubbish: a profile of Harry Styles, plastic surgeon and one of London’s most eligible bachelors. Louis is intent on writing something smart and biting and unexpected; if it makes Harry look like an idiot, that’s just the price of good journalism. That is, until Louis gets to know Harry and realizes he might be kind of perfect. Featuring Louis as a writer/workaholic, Harry as a plastic surgeon with a heart of gold, Zayn and Niall as Louis’ colleagues and long-suffering best mates, and Liam as everyone’s favorite pediatric surgeon and Harry’s right-hand man. #20. Then We Talk Slow. 20k. The picture showed Harry smiling widely (with a fucking dimple) at the camera, his glossy brown curls situated artfully around his shoulders. Louis couldn’t see his whole outfit, but it seemed to consist of a pink, floral button-up with most of the buttons undone. Louis could also detect the dark outlines of tattoos on his chest, although he couldn’t quite make out what they were underneath the shirt. What he could make out was that his own heartrate seemed to have picked up significantly. Shit. This was so not good. Not only had Louis drunkenly sent messages in a deliberate attempt to interact with this man, he was now insanely attracted to him without ever having met him in person. Maybe Liam was right – drunk tweeting really was a horrible, rotten idea. A famous/non-famous AU in which Louis banters back and forth with his new record company on Twitter, only to find out that Harry is the man behind the tweets.

#hlonly #ficrec* #* #disclaimer: list based on the fics i've read; not all the fics that were published #(you won't find supernatural aus here except for the first one)

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelorette, season fourteen, episode one: i have opinions on greek yogurt

So they had to go and start this season by salting the wound of Becca and Arby’s breakup, didn’t they?

Welcome back to Romance vs. Reality, I’m your lead and only blogger, Amanda. Kill me now, we’re here for the fourteenth go-around of La Bachelorette, a carousel made up of social media participants and erectile dysfunction specialists. Our princess this season is Becca Kufrin, a last name I struggle with for no specific reason other than I just feel like I’m emphasizing the wrong syllable. Coming after Rachel, The First Black Bachelorette and Resident Queen Regnant of this blog1, and her, well, disaster of a season, I’m terrified.

I’m going to do a full analysis of our Mantestants later on, but I’ll put it frankly: I am not excited. I am newly single, and man. Pickings are slim out there. It’s dangerous waters, y’all. And I live in a city of like, seven million people. I can understand now why people find the first person they can in high school and piss on their legs for forty years2. Becca, however, dodged a bullet in this case, because Arby remains and always will be human trash. Oscar the Grouch literally lives in a trash can and is looking to get rehomed because of the association, maybe somewhere not on Sesame Street.

Arby’s legacy has impacted Sesame Street. And Oscar the Grouch is notorious for loving trash. I mean... same? But I do not love Arby. Arby is the human embodiment of Garbage Island, the island that is floating in the Pacific Ocean, collecting all of our plastic bottles and general other garbage and polluting our waters. Honestly to call Arby garbage isn’t ruthless enough. It doesn’t get the point across. Even calling him Arby, a restaurant that probably doesn’t deserve such a harsh association, feels cruel.

Arby is rubbish.

I mean, I know a lot of things about myself, but:

And Arby is the Standard of Trash To Which I Now Hold All Men. I will be ranking the men this season on the Rubbish Arby Scale.

Note: I am not even a full minute into the episodea, and I have a lot of feelings.

We have to relive the torturous final moments of Becca and Rubbish Arby’s relationship again, because ABC is basically going to milk this moment for everything it’s worth. We see Becca walking through some snow, searching for her future or whatever metaphor the powers that be are going after this season. She thought she had found her future, but nope! That future is off getting married to the human embodiment of an unflavored Fage Yogurt3. Becca is ready to find love because her parents were in love until her dad’s untimely death and guess what? It’s her turn now.

My favorite part of every season is the girls who are like, “I can’t believe I’m The Bachelorette? All I had to do was unleash a ton of my personal trauma on national television and ABC will pay me to wear sequin dresses and shank dudes’ hearts now!” I do love that Arby is actually banned from Minnesota, though. I mean, I don’t think he’s running to go to Minnesota any time soon, but the fewer options Arby has to spread his rubbish sludge, the better. We see Becca go through her Bachelorette Photoshoot4 and show how she’s a Strong Woman in both demeanor and physical strength at a acrobatic silks class.

I’m tentative.

Becca arrives at The Bachelor Mansion, where our three past Bachelorettes, all engaged but none married, are waiting for her with mimosas. Honestly, I would like to hang out with these three girls. Rachel and I could just... you know, be black together and I would ask Joelle about home design and Kaitlyn and I could dance. Tag me in, Becca. TAG ME IN. Rachel tells Arby to go fuck himself and basically is a queen the entire time. They all rave about the experience and how great it was for all of them - take away the fantasy and really consider real life. Rachel and Joelle talk about the fact that the women have a better track record on The Bachelorette (true) because they approach the situation with more nuance than the men do. And that’s true. To me, the men of The Bachelor are looking for someone to project their dreams onto, and the women are approaching it with a real sense of opportunity.

Rachel proceeds to sage the entire mansion, Becca’s ring finger, her vagina, and they’re never going to get rid of the stench of toxic masculinity, Axe body spray, and desperation. That’ll be there forever. That's in the fibers of the couches.

Okay, let’s talk about Becca’s first night dress. I know people are divided on it, but I think it’s a banger, okay? I mean, I wish it wasn’t ivory, but the all overbeadwork and the art-deco style is gorgeous. I also love the neckline, because Becca has great shoulders. The pairing of that with those dramatic teardrop earrings was stunning. It sparkles in the light, it’s a dress meant to be on television, not caught in a still shot.

LET’S MEET THE MEAT, SHALL WE?

First up is Clay, who is 30, and is a pro football player. Great, because now I have to worry about you getting CTE and argue with you about standing for the national anthem? Oh, Clay played for Detroit, though. I can’t be mad at him. Also, CLAY IS A DREAMBOAT. We see him at dinner with his family and his cute grandma. Clay is there For Becca, for sure.

We met Garrett, who starts with a Chris Farley impression. In 2018. A Chris. Farley. Impression. Chris Farley’s corpse is turning over and over and over in his grave. Oh my god, of course Garrett is from Reno. Reno gives me such Second City vibes. Not like the improv group, but like, the city you go to when you don’t have anywhere else to go, like Cincinnati or Tallahassee. Garrett is active because of course, but he wants a companion to do outsidey things with.

Oh god, we meet Jordan, who is 26, and a professional model. I already am going to safely call him this season’s Robb(ie). Jordan is the kind of guy who’s hot in certain lights but then other times you’re like “man, give some chin to other people!” He has a lot of chin, and his meticuliously carved “scruff” isn’t helping matters much. Oh god. Jordan starts out talking about his Brand, a phrase I only say ironically. I am literally shaking with rage. Jordan’s an unironic Derek Zoolander. He considers having to be tan and using salt spray to be “taxing”. He’s excited for once to finally be focusing on someone else for a change, and all he wants to do is sit on a couch with a box of chocolates with Becca in sweatpants and watch a chick flick. Jordan claims a lot of models don’t do that.

Someone want to notify Jordan that a good number of male models are gay men who would definitely do that? Anyone?

Next up is Lincoln, who we’ve already met on After The Final Rose. Lincoln is from Nigeria and he’s #blessed to be in the United States. He’s ready to get married and ready to settle down. That’s all. Boring. Joe From Chicago owns a grocery store, and as soon as this comes out of his mouth I’m in love with him. My full on Type is Man from Chicago Who Owns A Grocery Store. Joe’s ready to settle down and knows when he finds the right one, he’ll know.

Jean-Blanc comes on screen and I can hear my mom yelling “THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND AMANDA” from the six-hundred-something miles away that she is. Jean-Blanc collects “accoutrements”, and oh my god, my mom might be right. Jean-Blanc likes stuff. Watches, ties, cologne, all the extra shit no one really needs but it’s nice to have. I mean, I hate wearing perfume, but if a man can find a blend that works for him and isn’t overpowering? Great. Dope. Totally down. We see him opening Viktor & Rolf’s Spice Bomb, a Curve cologne??? And others from the Checkout Aisle From Marshalls and TJMaxx Collection. He’s going to “blow her nose away”, a phrase I’m shocked Jordan didn’t use because you knnnnnnoooow Jordan loves a little nose candy. Sorry, it’s true.

Colton is another football player so this season is full of men with experience getting concussions. Also, can we stop making men named Colton football players? Colton got injured in his last season, so he decided to give up football forever and now runs a charity to change the lives of cystic fibrosis sufferers. Okay, I can’t even talk shit. Damn charity.

Becca heads in the limo to meet Chris Harrison and the 29 other garbage men that will create the Advent Calendar of Regret that is The Bachelorette. Chris Harrison is on screen for the perfect amunt of time - like, thirty seconds, before our first limo full of mediocrity arrives. First out? Charitable Colton, who is firmly placed in the top two, officially. He wants to celebrate Becca being bachelorette and brought confetti poppers, which is actually not the worst initial interaction for these two people to have. It’s actually... cute?

God, help me.

We meet Grant, who both tells Becca he respects her for what she’s gone through but also wants her to forget all of it - way to help with THAT, Grrrrrant. Clay comes out and talks about football and makes a football pun and is cute and everything. Jean Blanc has a French name and teaches Becca some French, which is a mess. Of course, he has her translate “Let’s do the damn thing”, and god I hope it’s the last time we hear that this season, but that’s not true. Connor is a fitness coach and gets down on one knee in front of Becca. Don’t retrigger the girl.

Oh god, not even two mintes after I said I never wanted to hear “let’s do the damn thing”, here comes Connor with it all over again. God damn this show.

Another limo arrives and out comes Joe From Chicago Who Owns A Grocery. He immediately forgets what he has to say as soon as he sees Becca and JOE I WILL TAKE YOU. John walks the wrong way into the house, and Leo arrives looking like he was trying to do a Miss Geist from Clueless costume and forgot to do his hair before leaving the house. It is not a good look, I literally slid to the ground and cackled when he came out5. He proceeds to take his hair down and swish it around like he’s fucking Fabio.

Jordan comes out of the limo and Becca says hi, and he doesn’t respond. Because that is the kind of person Jordan is. He’s the kind of man who wants to say hello first. Jordan wasn’t expecting Becca to be wearing ivory, which is just a weird thing to say. His shoes are loud as fuck, too. Jordan spent six hours on his outfit and is like, “I’m wearing a grey suit, it’s daring.”

No, Obama wearing a khaki suit is daring. Klein Epstein and & Parker Suits are daring. A heather grey suit with a blue tie is like putting a jalapeno in your guacamole. You’re not exactly living on the edge.

Nick arrives dressed like a racecar driver because only assholes wear outfits like that. Nick is... god, I can’t figure out if Nick is hot or not. I do appreciate Leo being ike, “yeah, reminding this girl of her ex? NOT A GOOD LOOK.”

So of course Mike, the other long-haired dude with a fucking man bun in god damn 2018, comes in with a cardboard cut-out of Becca’s ex. STOP TRIGGERING THIS WOMAN. That isn’t charming, that’s weird. I didn’t look up my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends until like, a solid year into our relationship. I mean, it wasn’t the same way on his end6 but I think if I were to lead this show I’d specifically ask them NOT to mention my ex, if possible. Like, at all.

Garrett arrives in a minivan, and it’s full of soccer balls and a baby bag and he’s just trying to set the correct tone. I literally sat grimacing the entire time he was on screen. I hate Garrett already.

My second favorite part of the season premiere is the men being like “wow, there’s a lot of dudes here”. What did y’all expect?

Blake arrives on an... ox? After already meeting Becca with a horse at After The Final Rose? Becca’s right in wondering where he’s getting all of these animals from. I feel bad for the poor intern that needs to take care of Blake’s animals. Lincoln, the other guy who met Becca at After the Final Rose, and he brought Becca cake. Lincoln and Blake are both feeling confident because they’ve already met her before. We see a bunch of other dudes we’ve met before - Darius, Chase, Banjoist Ryan. The 24 other guys are intimidated because clearly they have some sort of leg up in the competition because they’ve been with her for ten seconds four months ago. I’m sure Darva Conger would agree with them that this is a solid grounding to form bonds over. It ended so well for her.

They basically show all the black guys back to back and a bunch of other nonfactors meeting Becca.

And then there’s Kamil, who is wearing sneakers with his suit and his job is “social media participant” which is effectively like putting “Air Breather” as your job in 2018. He only walks halfway to Becca and makes her come the other half to meet him, and then moves back further and is like “yeah, what about 60/40?” And honestly, this is the best depiction of heterosexual dating in 2018 I’ve ever seen and Kamil is literally telling Becca Who He Is in their initial interaction. 60/40, my ass. Becca is unamused by this and tries to turn it around on him, and he won’t engage.

Ya donzo, Social Media Participant.

Jake shows up, and Becca knows who he is. He’s an acquaintance and she’s confused because... Oh, okay? That’s super weird. I totally get why that’s weird. Production comes in with morbid music as a hearse drives up. Trent pops out and says he literally died when he found out Becca was Bachelorette, and I cackled. I can’t help it. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever witnessed.

Jordan is here to show off his sartorial choices and doesn’t understand the other shlubs who showed up. I hate that I kind of agree with him? But then again, I intend my wedding attire to be Elevated Black Tie. I want the men to show up in basically butler’s uniforms and the women to look like Lady Gaga. Just put a little more effort in - Becca’s standing there in a backless beaded gown, the least you can do is put on a god damn tie.

Oh, of course someone comes in in a chicken suit. David is both a chicken and a venture capitalist, which is my least favorite thing. He has to wear that suit all night long. Jordan is #unamused, which is hilarious. I do appreciate the “bekaw/Becca” wordplay. Chris arrives with a fucking choir who sings about getting a rose, and I’m just... Okay. This would be teeeeewwwww much for me.

Okay, we’ve got twenty-eight men. And none of them are winners. Good LUCK, Becca. Becca makes her first toast, and immediately Connor is the first one to whisk her away. The guys are genuinely shocked but y’all, that’s how the game is PLAYED. He opens a bottle of champagne with a kitchen knife, and it’s impressive, but not a saber like is to be expected or standard. Color me unimpressed, Connor.7 Clay and Becca play with Clay, and I love that. I mean, who doesn’t love adults playing with play-doh? Clay is from a small town and talks about his values and how they grew from growing up where he did. He talks about how excited he was to meet her, and I smile. Clay is too good for this show.

ONE OF THE DUDES MADE THE APP FOR VENMO AND WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? DAMN, ABC.

Chris uses the fact that his grandparents got married after two months and have been together almost 60 years to get Becca to believe that Chris is all about this. Chris looks far too much like Perez Hilton for my liking and just for that, I hate him with a firey passion.8 Christon is a former Harlem Globetrotter and so he’s gonna show her how he can dunk a ball from her own hands. He DUNKED Becca, jumping OVER her head, and it...

It’s actually marvelous. Like, damn. I mean, he’s a Harlem Globetrotter. He better be able to dunk on command.

Blake and Becca are on the same page, which is shocking because Blake is basically dressed like Hugh Hefner. Chris Harrison comes in, drops off the First Impression Rose, and walks out to go put his pajamas back on. All the guys are immediately shooketh by it.

Lincoln brought Becca a bracelet from Nigeria, and we get a montage of the stunts these guys are pulling to impress Becca. David the Chicken Venture Capitalist leads Becca in the chicken dance and we’re supposed to be impressed by him becuase he’s literally in a chicken suit but he has a Serious Career.

We get to watch the Anxiety Set In for the men who haven’t had a chance to talk to Becca yet, especially Jordan. He pretends like it doesn’t bother him, he’s just playing it cool, but come on. Garrett shows Becca how to fish, and if a dude did this to me, I’d yawn. Garrett reminds Becca of home, of her dad, and she thinks he’d totally fit in with her family. Oh no.

Chris / Perez Hilton / Ben Stiller in Dodgeball has realized someone is There For the Wrong Reasons. Chase, who met Becca on After the Final Rose, is suspected by Chris. I’m suspicious of both of them simply because they’re both from Orlando, Florida unapologetically. Chris knows Chase’s ex-girlfriend and apparently she told Chris that he’s just there for publicity. They all think Chris needs to confront Chase. I can’t tell you who told him this because we’re still at the point of the season where all the men kind of look the same. I think it’s Christon and Blake, but I’m not sure.

The drama has already begun. I'm sad it's not someone getting black out drunk like it usually is.

Chris takes Chase aside to tell him what the deal is, and Chase of course denies all of this. I mean, what’s he going to do, stand there and admit do it? He confirms he’s there for the Right Reasons, and he’s there for Becca. My favorite is that he admits to have been watching this show for years with his mom, so of COURSE he’s NOT THERE FOR FAME. I don’t understand this thought process as a defense.

Chase immediately runs to Becca to tattle on Chris for being skeptical. Chase, who looks perpetually constipated, never found out what this girl told Chris, but he’s vehemently denying whatever it is and isn’t That Guy, whatever guy his ex he only dated for a month told Chris he was. Like damn, Chase. You musta done something. Becca doesn’t really know what to do with any of that information because Chase is leaving out the part where he’s the asshole.

Chase goes and grabs Chris (????) because they’re settling the drama right then and there. Chase denies ever dating this girl with any kind of seriousness and they’re both... gross. Becca clearly doesn’t know what to do because the story doesn’t add up. If it was two years ago and someone he only a dated a month, what’s the issue at hand? It’s so weird. Becca is as turned off as I am, and this mostly reminds her of someone she met earlier that she was turned off by initially.

She comes to get Jake, because his intentions are watery at best. They have the same group of friends back in Minnesota but have never interacted, and so it’s super weird that he showed up here trying to date her. Like, dude, you actually had a chance before to at least try to. Becca doesn’t think he showed her any interest in the previous times they’ve met, and Jake doesn’t remember meeting her more than one time. He remembers one time they met, but not... multiple times.

I scoffed so hard a little bit of phlegm came out. TMI, I know. But still.

Jake is excited to be there and get to know her, but Becca isn’t on board, and rightfully so. I’ve had people meet me multiple times and have zero recollection and I’m offended. Here comes Jake, having met Becca multiple times and admittingly having no recollection of doing so, coming onto this show to try to date her? Really? When in real life he never tried to in the first place? Most people aren’t as transparent as Jake is with their intentions, but it’s so clear that Jake thought he’d be able to parlay the fact that they knew each other before into a relationship.

But if we’ve met before and you didn’t show any interest then, how am I expected to take you seriously now that we’re on TV? Becca all but says as much but tells him she knows what it feels like to have someone question her relationship with them and she’s not going to do that again. Jake tries to be like “but what about meEEEEEEE and MY FEELINGS” and Becca shuts that shit right down because she is not here for his whataboutism. Neither of them did anything when they met before, and it’s not about who did what in this scenario. She’s holding the god damn key and him coming on this show in the first place was fucked up. She doesn’t want to waste his time and knows she doesn’t see a future with him. She’s sending him home ASAP.

He tells her that he’s not the same person she met at some mysterious Christmas Party and has had a “transformative year” - uh you’re telling this to the woman who got dumped on national television, your transformation is nothing compared to hers - and he’s a different person. He thinks if they met again, it would have a different result. I’m sure it would, Jake, but you lost your chance. Sorry. He says he respects how she feels and he’s going home.

Jake was one of the most attractive men there, but man, this was G R O S S.

Becca announces to the men that Jake is going home first, and they’re all terrified.

There is a grown ass man with an “expecto patronus” Harry Potter tattoo, and yeah, he’s got some nonsense “it’s different in Latin” translation, but I’m just happy the black guy doesn’t have a Death Eater tattoo8. Colton talks about his charity, and the First Impression Rose is still there.

But not for long, because here comes Becca to grab it and offer it to...

Garrett.

All the guys are visibly gutted. I don’t know why, the best thing about Garrett is his tie. I love a pink and blue tie. He gets the first kiss of the season, too. Garrett’s thrilled.

Back inside, Chris Harrison has changed back into his suit for about ten minutes to gather Becca before the first Rose Ceremony. At this point, I also see a guy who I haven’t seen thus far, and went “PHOARRRRRRRR” because he was so hot. WHO ARE YOU, ANONYMOUS HOTTIE? I love that Jordan’s like, “It wouldn’t be fair to Becca if I didn’t get a rose tonight.” I’m on my third season of saying this, but I love when the contestants think their feelings matter at all in this scenario.

The Rose Ceremony begins.

Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean-Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan9, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David The Chicken Venture Capitalist, Jordan, Leo, Mike, and Chris all accept roses.

That means Chris’s plan to get rid of Chase worked. Which it never does. On The Bachelorette, The Messenger usually gets shot.

Bye to Chase, Christian, Darius, Grant, Joe, and Kamil, all to face the cold light of day. Y’all stayed up all night for this.

BUT NOOOOOOOO, NOT GROCERY STORE JOE, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’ll keep you warm in those Chicago winters, Joe. Now that My (ex)-boyfriend Wells is dating someone far more famous than I am, I’m in the market. Call me.

This Season, on The Bachelorette: This season isn’t the most dramatic ever, according to Chris Harrison. This time, it’s an adventure. Lots of beach kissing! All the guys are like “Arby’s dumb for losing this girl.” Colton, Jean Blanc, and Nick all tell Becca they’re in love with her. And then - TEARS. LOTS OF THEM. Someone did to Becca what Arby did, and whoever it is, I AM COMING FOR YOUR EDGES. Lincoln is a liar and a manipulator? Jordan, who is clearly there to boost his modeling career, takes it very personally for people to attack his character on television. That… doesn’t help with people thinking you’re just there to boost your modeling career, Jordan. Colton, of course, is a virgin, and apparently this may or may not be a lie? Who lies about something like that? Becca’s pissed. She just wants honesty from these fuckboys, and girl, you better have stocked up in fuckboy repellent. All she wants is their honesty from here on out. And then someone’s getting taken off in an ambulance. But it’s all going to end in an engagement that has allegedly already been spoiled by TMZ/the Powers that Be at ABC trying to scoop Reality Steve, so that’s what we have to look forward to.

See you next week! It’s great to be back.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Becca is only a year older than I am, and this is really sending me spiraling. I know we’ve had girls younger than I am on this show, but I never really contextualized that until I saw 1990 next to Becca’s name. I am so OLD.

This season’s batch of men makes me never want to be The Second Black Bachelorette™. If these are the best options, I’ll barf.

I know she’ll be on Paradise because come on no brainer, but man - I am so happy The Bachelorette is not Tia. Oh man, am I happy it’s not Tia.

I know everyone talks about how amazing Joelle’s hair is, but Becca. Gorgeous hair.

How tall is Becca? She looks like she’s my height.

Jordan is going to be this season’s Chad. At least we’re going back to the Douchebag Villain and not the Racist Villain again.

I really loved that all the guys were like “if the guy in a chicken suit gets a rose over me, life means nothing.” Oh, to have never struggled a day in your life.

Jordan, are you really a fashion model if you’re from Crystal Ocean Spray, Florida?

All of these men look like 90s Teen Film Villains. Like, this is a cast of Andrew Keegans and Paul Walkers.

Elizabeth who? ↩︎

I mean, kind of? No, I don’t. I really don’t. Can someone explain this to me? I feel like that’s resigning yourself to a lifetime of mediocre sex because you haven’t experienced anything else. ↩︎

I went with Fage because Bobby Flay, the whitest man I can think of, was their brand representative for a moment. Why is Bobby Flay the whitest man I can think of? He has a show where he literally competes with people to prove he’s good. I don’t need that, I literally have MY LIFE. ↩︎

Things that are interesting to only me: after two years of having the lead on a white background in a red dress (Joelle and Rachel), they’re back to the metallic-colored sequin dress (Kaitlyn and Andi), but Becca’s on a grey background. Both Emily and Desiree had what honestly looks like satin prom dresses from JCPenney. This matters to literally no one else.  ↩︎

The least surprising thing about Leo is that he’s a stuntman. Of course he is. Stuntmen either look like him or look like... well, what I imagine Joe From Chicago Who Owns A Grocery Store’s uncles probably look like. ↩︎

boundaries.

↩︎

Some other guy who is a real estate agent is like, “you never buy the first house,” which reminds us this show is doing really good things for gender progress in America. (/s) ↩︎

Seriously, has anyone with a Death Eater tattoo realized they’re just telling the entire world they’d be a proud racist wizard? ↩︎ ↩︎

RYAN IS MY SECRET MYSTERY HOTTIE, OMG. I forgive his banjo playing, it’s not like he’s in Mumford & Sons. ↩︎

#the bachelorette #the bachelorette recap #reality tv #feels so goooood to be back #all of these men are trash #i mean has this show ever been full of winners? #i'm really terrified maggie actually submitted me for this #what if i get picked and i have to date one of these men #oh my god #kill me now #kill me

[thexiiithterra]

Political Rant (love me or hate me, I don't care)

This is the first and LAST time I make a political post, too much bullshit comes with post like these and I don't need anymore shit in my life then i already have. So anyone that sends me hate messages, F*** off.

I'm a proud cross wearing Christian and registered Republican, but ONLY becuase I believe the government should be involved with it's peoples lifes as little as possible.my views though dont sound like a normal Republican. In fact im more in a middle camp that doesn't have a camp at all. I believe there's a God and Jesus died for me, and if I'm wrong then all well. NO ONE knows the truth about what happens after we die or not. I just live my life knowing someone out there is watching out for me, and if not all well.

My Political Views:

Healthcare - People should have it sure, but not from the government and it shouldn't be jacked up prices that a normal Joe cant afford to go to the hospital if he needs to. Healthcare should be tailored to the individual and not a blanket. Go to the hospital/doctor six times a year? You need "this" insurance. Havent gone to the doctor in six years? You need "that" insurance. And if a big company is charging jacked up prices, they need to be slapped in the back of the head and told "get your shit together!"

Immigration - Those who came to this country to escape the problems of their country should be properly legalized and allowed to work where they want. Families shouldn't be torn apart becuase the father and mother tried to escape a drug war and start over fresh. That is just cruel and inhumane. Those that are here purposefully committing crimes (drug smuggling, human trafficking, etc.), those are the ones that need to be rounded up and shipped back to be properly incarcerated.

Gay Marriage - LET THEM MARRY! It's not really effecting my life in one way or another, so why should it effect yours if you dont even know them? Kind of stupid to get upset with people you dont even know. Just let them get married and move on. And if a bakery refuses to make you a cake, say "whatever." And walk out, they're not the only cake shop in town. Theres no need to get upset over something that can be solved by just going down a block and finding another cake shop. Hateful people will keep being hateful people and will get what's coming to them in the end, so just move on and forget about it.

Veterans - We NEED to take care of them. They have seen stuff us civilians cant even imagine. And struggle with every day life whenever they come back, becuase no one but their brothers and sisters in arms understands. And without them, we couldn't go to our local Starbucks and spent whatever we spend on a frappacino gulaco crema verde, or whatever the fuck they serve, carefree and go lucky. Becuase they fight the silent wars we dont even know are going on every second of every day. Listen to "Wrong Side of Heaven" by Five Finger Death Punch and look for the official video. Maybe that will help with your understanding.

"Black lives matter," "Blue lives matter." - ALL LIVES MATTER, YOU ASSHATS! Get it through your f***ing heads. God d*** it! There are bad cops, dont get me wrong, but not ALL cops are bad. Jesus, that's like saying ALL teachers are pedophiles. When did we become so black and white? Doesn't grey exist somewhere in there? I mean come on. Cops should also understand that they cant always do what they've done before. The world is changing and the current climate is not very stable. They need to be able to adapt to every situation and conduct it differently. But Cops should also be equipped to handle every situation, ether theough training or more equipment, they need to be prepared. Plus we all make choices in life, and sometimes we regret those choices, especially when we realize that the choice we made was illinformed. Like the ICE agents, they joined becuase it had been painted a certain picture, but when they saw the truth they had to make a choice. Sometimes we make the choices based on our situations. Maybe that ICE agent is the only money maker in the family. Maybe he has 2 kids at home he has feed and ICE was the best job he could get. And then when they make a choice, people treat them like less then human by keeping them from their families and they already feel bad becuase they're having to do a job they dont like becuase it puts bread in the mouths of their family. Think how you would feel being kept from your husband, wife, son, daughter, whatever back at home becuase you had to make the choice to feed them. Quit thinking so d*** black and white and start thinking of how other people feel! D*** it!

Pay rate - it should very with every individual. A single mother of 2 trying to make ends meat? She should be paid more then a 16 year old kid who's only working part time and going to school during the weekdays. Everyone's situation should be considered when they're being told what they will be making.

School - it shouldn't be so expensive, BUT it shouldn't be free ether. In my opinion, there is no better feeling then working hard to earn your degree in whatever field you're working towards. You should EARN your degree with hard work, determination, and a go getter attitude.

Gun control - we need to make it harder for unstable people to get guns. Guns dont kill people. PEOPLE kill people. And theyll use a gun they can ether easily get there hands on (legally or illegally) or use something else to kill people with. A knife. A bomb (you can find F***ing tutorials on how to make them online for crying out loud!). Whatever they can get their hands on. As Jeff Goldblum once said "Life will, uh, find a way."

Taxes - if you can afford a private island with a jet to fly out to it, you can afford a higher tax percent then the widowed mother working 2 jobs to put her babies through college. Tax deductions should very depending on the individual situation. So shut the f*** up you 1%ers and deal with it.

Goverment Assistence - we should limit it as much as possible and not enable users to abuse it. There are people who never work becuase the goverment supplies them with everything. That pisses me off that I'm working day and night to keep a roof over.my head with two jobs, and the woman around the corner sits on her a** and doesn't take care of her kids gets a check every month with am amount that I couldn't even make with in a month! We have enabled people to be lazy and not do anything, we NEED to stop that. Other wise were going to become like the people in the floating chairs like in Wall-E.

I think that's everything. If you have a question about something, politely talk to me and if we cant come to an understanding then we can just say "good day," and go our separate ways. No hating, no yelling, and no bad mouthing the other person. I believe what I believe and you believe what you believe, and that may never change.

#politics #personal rant #sorry for the rant #goverment assistance #immigration #healthcare #democrats #Republicans #all lives matter

[kuchee1]

meet me in the middle

2k / stan/kyle fluff / on ao3 🌲

summary: A pleasant evening, a terrible choice of snack, and some enlightening conversation.

(OR I was so ill that I felt sappy enough to write a got dang marriage proposal lmao)

The wind whips sharp around Kyle’s head as he walks down towards the edge of the water. It feels like his ears are going to fall off. He probably should have brought his hat, and he can definitely (well, almost) see the logic in the mop of hair he used to have as a kid; in its protective qualities, at least. It’s March, but years of living in the city has dulled his intuition a little about how cold it can be in the ass end of nowhere, namely South Park. Stan is probably feeling the same next to him, his steps a little too bouncy from the chill.

Kyle had asked him to come down here, take a break away from both their families. Not that he doesn’t want to be spending time at home (he does miss his parents and especially Ike, when he’s in Denver) but there’s been something very Stan-related on his mind lately - for a long time now - that he needs to get out.

There’s really no reason to be out by Stark’s Pond in the evening except out of some sense of childhood nostalgia, which is usually Stan’s forte, not his. Well, that's kind of why Kyle wanted to come here. He wants to do this somewhere that the sentimental part of Stan will see the value in. The right setting will do half the work for Kyle - something he really needs, considering how bad he is at this stuff.

He’s not gonna ask right now - of course not. But he wants to scope out where they stand. It’s been a while since the topic has come up, and Kyle has thought and over-thought every aspect of his feelings to a stupid point since then.

They’ve skirted around it enough. He needs Stan to know just how okay he’d be with it. Marriage, that is.

Stan runs ahead, and in a matter of moments he's skipping stones on the water. Kyle decides to stay back. He's not sure his hands are steady enough for that right now, despite how nonchalant he’s trying to feel. He automatically opens the bag of chips he's carrying to keep them busy. Cheesy poofs. Definitely not his first choice, but he didn't really get a choice. Ike’s been is back home, too, on spring break, and he devours the snack cabinet with admirable speed. Kyle can't keep up with that anymore. He probably shouldn't be eating crap right before his mom's dinner, anyway, but he rationalises it with the fact that he's on vacation.

So here they are, one of the few bearable places in the least bearable vacation spot. Kyle finds an empty patch of ground, brushing a few sharp stones away with his hands. It's completely dry, uncharacteristically, no rain or snow in sight for the few days that they’ve been here.

Stan comes and plops his ass down next to Kyle after a few minutes, raising his eyebrows at Kyle’s snack of choice. “That’s not really romantic, dude. You couldn’t have gotten, I don’t know, strawberries or something?”

Kyle laughs lightly. “Oh, we’re here to be romantic?”

Stan shrugs with a sheepish smile, shoving his hands into his pockets and drawing them taut. “I don’t know,” he says, sing-song. “The sun’s setting.”

It is.

Stan goes to stick a hand in the bag, but Kyle snatches it away, earning a flick against his temple.

Kyle ducks away. “Ow. Dude.” But Stan’s playfulness does ease the tension a little bit. He offers Stan the bag for real now, and they sit for a while, just munching and watching the colours bleed in the sky. Kyle digs the toes of his boots into the dirt.

He can do it. He can bring up the fucking topic. It’s conversation; it’s just conversation. (But it isn’t).

Stan bumps a shoulder gently against his. “Are you okay? You seem a little agitated.”

Kyle leans his head against Stan’s in reply, catches the scent of his hair and his cool skin. It makes him jittery right now, despite how the familiarity of it usually calms him. “Yeah. Just thinking.”

When Stan puts an arm warmly around his back, he decides to turn and look at him properly. “Actually, there is something I wanna talk about.”

“Yeah?”

“You know... what we said before… about, uh, getting married and stuff.”

What Stan knows, and what they’ve decided again and again in the course of long night-time conversations over the years, is this: they’re fine without it. It doesn’t have any bearing on the fact of their life together - this is the real deal, for both of them. How could it not be? They don’t need to get married (though Stan really wouldn’t mind it), because what’s the point of complicating something that’s worked so well for so long? When they know where they stand with each other anyway?

Or, that’s how Kyle thought he felt.

He continues, “I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, because - well, I know how you feel about it.” He adds quickly, struck with a sudden apprehension, “Actually, wait - can you just remind me?”

Stan’s brows draw, a little puzzled, and his eyes are getting wider, but he rushes in as soon as Kyle says the words. He seems confused at having to state those feelings again, apparently so randomly. “How I feel? I’d want to. You know that I would.” Kyle eases instantly, feeling equally stupid and relieved.

Stan looks down at the ground, a small smile playing on his lips. He continues, looking at Kyle’s collar. “And I know you think that it’s super outdated or unnecessary or heterosexual or whatever -” He rolls his eyes with humor, but it’s betrayed by a tremor in his voice in his next words, and Kyle’s heart rushes because he knows that it’s not from the cold. “But I like the idea of being married. To you.”

Kyle’s aware that his heart has probably leapt into the fucking water.

Stan holds his gaze with earnest eyes.

He’s known that Stan has wanted to get married one day practically since they were twelve. Like a life goal or something. Rarely spoken, but it was obvious to anyone who knew Stan well. Definitely obvious to Kyle. He’d never doubted when they were kids that Stan would grow up and marry some girl and be the perfect husband, kids and dog and maybe even a picket fence. It’s just how Stan’s brain worked. Though he’d never admit it to anyone except Kyle, on account of it being, well, totally gay.

Truthfully, the idea back then had never made Kyle feel as jealous as he thought it would. It only created a certain distance - a mercifully stark sign that he wasn’t supposed to be with Stan, in the end; a reminder of reality that would help cut the cord of his longing for however many days. Because that was one thing Kyle just couldn’t imagine for himself. It was old-fashioned. He thought, as cleverly as any teenager did, that marriage was only designed to make people pop out babies while thinking about God.

And being older, still, it didn’t appeal. The nagging feeling in the back of his head told him that much: it wasn’t for people like him.

Well, he was too much of a realist, anyway.

He looks at Stan now. Thinks about how the span of the last four, five years could change his mind so completely.

He’s usually stubborn, he swears it.

Stan is still looking at him with conviction, and Kyle can hardly feel the pebbly ground under him, or the breeze around him. He looks at Stan’s expectant eyes, feels overcome with the admission in them: there’s something soft and something daring and something totally unguarded in him, in a way Kyle only wishes his own feelings could be. Stan is nervous, but he doesn’t let that get in the way.

Kyle could give him this.

He could let himself have it.

He starts, shakily, “I mean - I sort of know what you mean, now. I think I get it. It makes sense with where we are, and you really want to, right? And I guess it’s not like anything would really have to change, and, there’s tax breaks and all that, obviously.”

And, and, and. Kyle wishes he could slow down the rush of words coming out of his mouth, but the way Stan is looking at him now, head tilted and eyes widening again, is not helping. “You know what I’m trying to say, right? It’s a good idea? Fuck, dude, help me out here -”

At that, Stan exhales with a nervous laugh, and Kyle can do nothing but join him in relief. The pure joy in his face now is what’s enough to make Kyle stop in his tracks. He feels embarrassed at how he let his nerves run, words as superfluous as usual.

“Stan,” he says quietly now, pleading, because his brain jumped in too, for all the good it’s doing him now. “Am I making sense?”

Stan doesn’t reply, eyes still wide. Kyle dumbly offers him the bag of chips again.

Stan shakes out of it, digging the last cheesy poof out of the bag eagerly. He looks so fucking happy, staring at it like he’s forgotten what you’re supposed to do with food.  

Kyle’s head is full of the words when Stan clears his throat, takes them from him, and speaks them for him.

“So, do you wanna marry me?”

“I was gonna say that part! Dude!”

For half a second, Stan looks incredulous. Then he falls backward, laughing like crazy, barely managing not to hit the ground.

“Kyle! Seriously?! That’s your reply?”

But Kyle’s grinning like a madman when Stan comes back to him. They both are. Stan puts their faces close, hands resting around Kyle’s neck, the question still hovering in the air between them.

Kyle breathes in sharply. He can’t think of anything he wants more in the world. It feels like a punch in the gut.

Stan says again, softer, “Do you?”

The rush of affection flattens Kyle like a wave. He puts the bag down, opens and closes his mouth noiselessly before stammering, “Fuck, of course,” around the treacherous lump in his throat. He kisses Stan clumsily, finds his lips and his cheek and the corner of his jaw, over and over and over. Stan’s palms are clammier than he would have expected when they wind tighter around the back of his neck, and his cheeks feel hot cradled in Kyle’s trembling hands. Kyle blinks hard and fast.

He backs away, just to take in the sight. Stan looks elated, eyes sparkling. Kyle can’t remember the last time he saw an expression like that, if ever. He can’t imagine ever having felt a shred of doubt over whether this was a good idea.

He snorts, “Wait, you have something on your - sorry, that’s probably my fault -” and he’s giggling hard, and Stan is too, as he brushes cheesy poof dust off Stan’s cheekbone and the shoulder of his coat. “See, this is really romantic.”

Stan only pulls him in again. “I love you so much, dude,” he says, still half-giggling, and he drags the back of his hand over his eyes with a sniff before resting their foreheads together. Kyle wants to give him the whole world.

It’s getting dark. Kyle shivers, but it’s not an unwelcome feeling. The cold feels like a blanket of secrecy around the two of them now, bring him blissfully to Stan and away from the rest of the world. He says quietly, trying to keep his voice even, “You know, getting engaged wasn’t part of the plan today.”

Stan smiles. Kyle knows that he’s taken those words for their true meaning: a declaration, of the sheer, exhilarating weight of Kyle’s feeling.

#sp style #style fanfiction #south park #my fic #style

[xxruinaxx]

I hate to rant,

but bear with me on this one.

So, lately, I have heard (sadly, mostly white, straight) people complaining about the fact that we are constantly talking about why/which/how groups are discriminated. They mostly justify themselves with arguing that they accept all groups and just want to get over it – get over the debate. And guys, I feel you. I am a straight, white individual. I am a woman, but to this day, was never discriminated because of this. But your point is more than a bit ignorant.

I love my country. Really, I love it. The youth of Switzerland is well educated and has the best possible future (in general, obviously). We have health care that works out. We have a social system in general that works for everyone. But we don't have equality. And there is discrimination of many, many groups of people. Switzerland, at the time, is a rather conservative country – like many countries, it shifted to the right in the last months and years. But Switzerland has always been rather conservative. We were incredibly slow in allowing women to vote – the last 'state', called 'Kanton' here, had to be forced to allow it by the government itself because the people of the Kanton didn't vote for it by free will. For the last decade, however, women could vote. Women entered politics, and, if you look at the Bundesrat, a collective of seven members of the elected parties and directly elected by the parliament, has incorporated many women in the last terms. When it comes to gender equality, Switzerland really tires to close the gap between women and men. Education encourages women to choose more 'male' jobs, and from my experience, progress can be seen. But, and this is my point, this does not necessarily apply for the LGBTQ community. While Switzerland's youth is obviously more accepting than the previous generation, it's the state that limps behind. Same-sex marriage isn't allowed in Switzerland, you can only have a civil union. This civil union then again blocks you from adopting children. There are attempts to change this law, but with a predominantly conservative parliament, it's unlikely that will pass any time soon. There are two reasons why this is the case: First of all, any change of law takes much longer in Switzerland, or can take much longer, than in most other countries as we have direct democracy. That means, every change of law must be passed by the people, the two parliaments (Nationalrat, Ständerat) and the Bundesrat. Also, if people disagree with anything, there is the possibility of a referendum. This right goes to all Swiss citizens, we just have to collect enough signatures. While this is obviously what makes Switzerland great – at least in my eyes – direct democracy takes longer than if the citizens elect the members of their parliament and they decide on everything. The second reason is Switzerland's conservatism. Switzerland has always been conservative, at least compared to our neighbours. We are not in the EU, therefore, we don't have the Euro, we are not in the NATO. Our economy is strong, but we have high import taxes – it is a variation of protectionism. When it comes to equality, I have already mentioned that Switzerland is slower than many, many other countries. Similar to America, Switzerland loves guns. We have an unusually high rate of armed citizens because first of all, military service for males (again, just males till now) is mandatory, and because it's not that hard to get the licence for gun ownership. This fact holds much traditional value – Switzerland and its citizens were always told to defend themselves. We don't have a huge military, but in case of war, theoretically every man who had served his mandatory time in the armed forces, would be joining the fight immediately. Guns represent some pride of Switzerland – we, for some reason, don't have many accidents because of them, though. Point being: Switzerland is more similar to other countries than even Swiss somethimes believe. The conservative party of Switzerland, the SVP (schweizerische Volkspartei, swiss people's party) has gained much support in the last years. Why? Because of the refugee crisis. Which brings us to another point. Is Switzerland xenophobic? Yeeeeah, a bit. Most likely. But again, that's nothing new in Swiss history. In WW2, we didn't want all the refugees, either. We blocked them, too. Now, we just accept a fairly low number. But still, many people see these immigrants in towns or wherever and feel insulted. Because they don't work, because they don't speak our language. And because they can see they're most likely asylum seekers because of the fact that most people in Switzerland are white and most of the asylum seekers are not. And then, those people come along and complain that we talk about the issue. God, I am not a 'lefty'. I want a good economy, I want free market, I have grown up in a family in which everyone works in the finance industry. But isolation ruins the economy, which is the opposite of what the conservatives want. I am not an advocate to let in all the refugees in, no, those who don't have the wish to study and accept western European culture can't integrate in the system. But for the ones who want to do integrate, I doubt I have the right to send them back to a war-tormented country. I agree with much the SVP advocates – if I had to choose between joining the SVP or the SP, which is the social party, I'd have to choose the SVP. In terms of economy, I agree a lot. But that also means that we, the people, must use our tool of initiatives and referendums to achieve what the dominating party doesn't advocate right now.

It's ridicules that a woman earns less than a man. It's ridicules that a gay couple can't marry. It's ridicules that a gay couple can't adopt a child. It's not great that I couldn't name one important politician who is gay. It's not cool that some politicians call immigrants or refugees names I don't want to repeat, even thought that seems to be 'trendy' right now.

Choosing a party doesn't mean selling your soul. And the ones who say 'you know, we have talked enough about the issue, get over it' – you're right! But what you're saying to the people who are affected by discrimination is basically: 'Sorry, I personally don't hate you, but I just don't care about you.' And this doesn't just works for LGBTQ issues. That also works for Muslims and any other group. Like, yeah. I am a white, straight, atheistic woman, so I really don't have much to fear here. But if someone calls all Muslims terrorists, I will get angry. Discrimination has killed millions, and it's no single nation's fault. No one 'invented' racism, but if no one stands up to fight it, also in a society that isn't openly discriminating them, then it won't get better! Remember, being silent only helps the ones who wish to discriminate. How often did we have entire governments who discriminated certain groups? Do you think 'to get over it' would have helped? Cause it wouldn't have. So next time you feel annoyed that the topic of discrimination is brought up again, ask yourself: How do the people feel whom we are talking about? Let me help you, probably worse than you.

if anyone wants to talk to me about this issue, I am open for a discussion. Also, if you have questions, feel free.

#not hetalia #rant #discrimination #lgbtq #refugees #switzerland #svp #conservative

[makesureee]

1-150 plz ty~~

omg holy shit that’s a lot and i’m on adderall this will be fun omg yay

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?some bitch ass bitch who’s dead to me

2. Are you outgoing or shy?DEFINITELY shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?any three of my friends, whenever they happen to hit me up, my dog, and my fUTURE GIRLFRIEND WHERE ARE YOU

4. Are you easy to get along with?it depends how well you know me i suppose but i am generally kind, or at least i try to be

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i do not like anyone so i just get drunk by myself

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?i reallyyyyy love masculine looking girls (could be short hair, shaved hair, tats, piercings, just an all around “gay” look, which is kinda funny for a straight guy XD) but i ALSO LOVE feminine girls fat girls skinny girls just…..GIRLSbut as far as finding people attractive even tho i’m straight boys can be hecka cute too and i typically find myself finding the more feminine looking bois cuteand as for anyone nonbinary or genderqueer it’s pretty much the same

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?no but boy i sure hope so

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?fuck heteronormativity but uh no one really. i don’t like anyone. if you mean literally in general then i’m waiting for my friend to hit me up so we can smoke XD

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?yeah but not for reasons you’d think

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?no fuckin idea

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“well i also gotta head back to my house so you’re good” cause my friend needed some time to get weed and food before i head over

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Sad Clown - Kate MicucciPick a suburb, find a culdesac - Amy Bruce Spaceshowstraight kids playing dress up - the official suckersGot High and Still Got No Friends - Shelf LifeOld Maid Cards - Kate Micucci

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?only if it’s someone i’m really really really comfortable with

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?nope. i believe in coincidence and probability

15. What good thing happened this summer?nothing honestly

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?fUCK to the NO

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?um…definitely?? without a doubt??? we’re so small we’re so small we could just instantaneously die any second bruh we’re dust in the breeze this question gave me another existential crisis i want a refund

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?lol no

19. Do you like bubble baths?i used to but now it’s just like……im hot and sweaty and can’t breathe why is the air so wet……

20. Do you like your neighbors?i don’t know my neighbors but i like them because their christmas lights are aesthetic and ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS just has like 20 FUCKIN DUCKS chilling in their front yard. they’re like 3 houses down across the street but if i leave my window open sometimes i can hear them having a good time

21. What are you bad habits?drug dependency/addictive tendencies

22. Where would you like to travel?i wanna go back to italy. spain would be nice. idk. like……the earth has so many places…..

23. Do you have trust issues?nah i’m very forgiving and it sucks

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?drugs!

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?how in the world do i pick

26. What do you do when you wake up?roll a blunt…and smoke it

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?that question is complicated. i’m white, so ideally (in this corrupt awful world), it’s the most advantageous so i wouldn’t change as to have better opportunities and less judgement. however, hOLY SHIT ALL THE COLORS OF THE PEOPLE ARE SO COOL AND BEING WHITE LOOKS SO BOORRINGG so if we lived in a hypothetical world where every ethnicity was held at an equal standard yes a darker skin color would be cool

28. Who are you most comfortable around?nobody really. i’m not emotionally close to anyone right now

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?no but one relationship i ended and the other party did not want it to end

30. Do you ever want to get married?marriage doesn’t really matter to me. just a certificate. if it can help with taxes and whatever, sure, as long as i can remain the important parts of my independence. but imo i don’t even think that marriage should give people tax benefits but you take what good things the fucked up world gives ya

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? LOL YES BUT I’D LOOK RIDICULOUS

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?michonne from the walking dead is super attractive and i can’t really think of anyone else but i probably would not have a threesome with celebrities that’s too much pressure

33. Spell your name with your chin.samkel (THAT WAS CLOSE)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?ew

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV but like does netflix count

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?not really i have this ability to not like people unless i’m almost certain they like me and terminate all feelings for a person if rejected. i mean like, i liked someone in high school once and dropped hardcore hints but never outright said it so killed my feelings and they actually told me recently that they used to have a crush on me too XDD funny ass shit

37. What do you say during awkward silences?“i’m gonna play some music”

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?cute funny stoner who loves and accepts me for who i am and supports me and helps me grow and does pills with me and loves all my new favorite music i show her and WITH LIKE A ONE IN BILLION CHANCE i’d like her to be shorter than me cause i’m really short and that’s really killer on my self esteem….but like….if we were both super short imagine how cute that’d be…..we’d be like ruby and sapphire….we’d get made fun of and be the smol couple but we would be smol together

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?my local headshops lolol

40. What do you want to do after high school?i’m already after high school but ultimately i want to be a glassblower and make bongs and shit

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?i don’t believe in blanket statements (lol that in itself is a blanket statement)

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?i’m awkward or anxious and don’t know what to say because i don’t know how to be a person

43. Do you smile at strangers?sometimes

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?NEITHER IF I AM NOT GUARANTEED TO SURVIVE but space even though i would still have massive panic attacks with that guarantee like i can’t even be on a road i don’t know by myself without having an anxiety attack

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?the hope that one day i’ll have something that makes me feel less empty

46. What are you paranoid about?holy shit EVERYTHING everyone hates me and i’m a disappointment to my parents and i’m super unattractive and everyone that sees me judges me and like these are straight up facts yo

47. Have you ever been high?i’m high right now

48. Have you ever been drunk?i’m drunk right now. just kidding on that one. i kinda used to be an alcoholic but i traded it in for pot lol. best decision ever. worst financial decision ever tho

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?i put 12 shucks of corn up my asshole

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?black. almost everything i wear is black when will i not act like im in high school

51. Ever wished you were someone else?only always

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?confidential

53. Favourite makeup brand?none i ent wear makeup

54. Favourite store?i’m not a shopping person so i’d again have to go with my local headshop

55. Favourite blog?i cannot choose

56. Favourite colour?black

57. Favourite food?also cannot choose

58. Last thing you ate?i have no idea i haven’t eaten today

59. First thing you ate this morning?i have no idea i literally have not eaten today

60. Ever won a competition? For what?you bitches better wATCH oUT cause this guy got SECOND PLACE in his THIRD GRADE SCIENCE FAIR for a poster board about EVAPORATIONand eh i think i won an art show award or two in high school

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?no i never even skipped class in high school cause with attendance you get exemption rights from exams~ now that i’m in college i skip occasionally tho lol

62. Been arrested? For what?dear god no i’d have a panic attack so hard i think the cop would feel bad for me

63. Ever been in love?yep

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?ugh ew ok so like i was bi at the time and so was he (but i wasn’t into this guy at all) but so anyway it’s after school and we’re behind it with our friends and we start walking away and he pulls me aside and the friends keep walking and his face kept getting closer to mine and in my head i’m just like dude…..why you….getting closer….that’s close….what…..oh….okay. that’s. lips. okay. it was like a gross quick kiss and then like when we talked about it and i rejected him hE WENT AND TOLD ALL HIS FRIENDS THAT HE REJECTED ME. luckily a friend i used to have and/or fuck jumped in while i wasn’t present and defended me cause that’s some straight bullshit.

65. Are you hungry right now?nah i’m on adderall

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?eh nah only because it’s harder to form a bond. not that i have strong bonds with my irl friends but we communicate more and smoke together

67. Facebook or Twitter?neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?no

70. Names of your bestfriends?lexi is me only best friend but even we aren’t suuuper close anymore

71. Craving something? What?fulfillment and happiness and a girlfriend

72. What colour are your towels?green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?bruh…….9 ok but 2 are for my dog when she isn’t sleeping next to me on my pillows

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?nah but i use my dog as a cuddle buddy. if she doesn’t wanna cuddle we just hold hands

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?i probably have a good bit lying around my room. idk maybe like 5-8 somewhere in a drawer or whatever

75. Favourite animal?cliche as fuck but like….dogs i love dogs i love themi illove them so much i lvoe dogs

76. What colour is your underwear?currently grey with black stripes lol

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla for sure

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?oreo!

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?black XD

80. What colour pants?BLACK

81. Favourite tv show?black. nah probably adventure time or rick and morty

82. Favourite movie?i don’t like movies that much

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?have seen neither

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?nope?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?who

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?stoner turtle

87. First person you talked to today?my adderall buddy. she texted me like the second i woke up some how

88. Last person you talked to today?she literally just texted me as i was writing that out soooo

89. Name a person you hate?i aint no snitch

90. Name a person you love?lexi cause that’s positive

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?myself

92. In a fight with someone?never been, never want

93. How many sweatpants do you have?one

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?i had one but as of today i have THREE

95. Last movie you watched?suicide squad and it sucked but pretty colors tho

96. Favourite actress?ent got one

97. Favourite actor?nope

98. Do you tan a lot?not at all what is the sun

99. Have any pets?two! daisy and ko bear!

100. How are you feeling?i’m feeling okay. i’ll feel better cause now my friend hit me up but i’m rushing to finish this!

101. Do you type fast?YA DAMN RIGHT I DO I GOTTA FINISH THIS

102. Do you regret anything from your past?i regret like almost everything?

103. Can you spell well?the answer is no

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?nope

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?yep

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?yep

107. Have you ever been on a horse?ONCE WHEN I WAS LITTLE BUT I WANNA DO IT AGAIN but i’ve been on a camel does that count

108. What should you be doing?bagging my weed and leaving the house right now

109. Is something irritating you right now?myself as always

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?nope

111. Do you have trust issues?i trusted you not to repeat a question so maybe i do now

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?A STUPID ASS BITCH I REGRET IT SO MUCH i never cry in front of ANYONE before that it had been THREE YEARS since i cried in front of someone but i trust horrible people

113. What was your childhood nickname?sammy

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?yep. i was born in florida, live in georgia. been to a few other surrounding states but nowhere far other than abroad

115. Do you play the Wii?nah

116. Are you listening to music right now?nah the album ended

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?i don’t like soup

118. Do you like Chinese food?not really i wanna eat normal food with chopsticks tho

119. Favourite book?ew

120. Are you afraid of the dark?nah but i still get the creeps

121. Are you mean?some people seem to think so. i think so a lot of the time.

122. Is cheating ever okay?yes. i don’t do blanket statements

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?dear god no i avoid super messes but pretty much do whatever

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?fuck no

125. Do you believe in true love?i believe that love can be true but i do not believe that one single individual is your “soul mate” or “perfect match” or whatever. there are potentially thousands of people that you could fall madly in love with and it’s just probability and coincidence that allow you to collide with them

126. Are you currently bored?with my life yeah

127. What makes you happy?drugs and friends and dogs

128. Would you change your name?i have and it’s awesome now

129. What your zodiac sign?taurus

130. Do you like subway?never ridden one

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?heteronormative again and i don’t have a best friend but the only two female friends i have i would not have sex with, although me and one of them make cute jokes about dating and romance all the time

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?BRUH STOP REPEATING

133. Favourite lyrics right now?“you tell me all the reasons you hate meand it feels like you’re listing off the symptoms of a borderline personalityand I know I am not tetheredto all the behaviors or the thoughtsI know one day I could rise above it allbut for now my illness makes people think I really suckand I guess for a couple more years I need to suck it up”- Don’t Blame Yourself by Human Kitten

i relate hella cause i’m pretty sure i have bpd and i can’t afford health insurance so i’m just kinda here

134. Can you count to one million?fuck no

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?i never remember shit. that’s seriously not a lie i don’t remember

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?my door is always closed unless i’m home alone but eVEN THEN it’s closed if i’m sleeping

137. How tall are you?ew 5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?mine? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette

140. Summer or Winter?winter

141. Night or Day?both or in between

142. Favourite month?october or december. i like the october vibe but like the december $$$$$

143. Are you a vegetarian?nooope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?milk

145. Tea or Coffee?green tea with mint please!

146. Was today a good day?it was not terrible. first day of the new quarter. worked my ass off but made some money. aboutta go smoke. it’s been alright

147. Mars or Snickers?neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?too many good quotes

149. Do you believe in ghosts?nope i believe in science and facts homie g

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“While some people will argue that this (A) may not exist or (B) is certainly not part of our physical forms, I’m going to go ahead and boldly state that consciousness (at the very least) is an irrefutable part of the human experience.” no shit that was Hannah Hart’s My Drunk Kitchen

#thanks for the fun!!!! #ily #<3333 #anon #anonymous #answered

[theconservativebrief]

Last week, I tweeted out a few links to pieces of media analysis I’d found interesting. One was to danah boyd’s excellent speech on media manipulation, strategic amplification, and responsible journalism. Another was to BuzzFeed reporter Charlie Warzel’s newsletter describing how a recognition of the alt-right’s media manipulation techniques had changed his reporting. A third was to Rebecca Lewis’s new Data & Society report mapping the rise and functioning of YouTube’s “reactionary right,” which I described as “one of the must underestimated forces in politics right now.”

It was that third one that attracted some controversy. The Data & Society report is trying to trace the social and algorithmic boundaries of an emergent media ecosystem, but a lot of the folks swept up in the report are angry about it, and angry at me for linking to it. For instance, YouTube personality Dave Rubin tweeted:

Hi @ezraklein, wanna explain to me how gay married, pro choice, pro-pot, against death penalty, for reforming prisons/drug sentencing, is part of reactionary right?

(As you and rest of mainstream slide into irrelevancy you did get the “underestimated forces” part right, though.) pic.twitter.com/IQNbLOwfsE

— Dave Rubin (@RubinReport) September 20, 2018

I’ll take the bait, because the underlying issue here is important to understanding politics in 2018. We’re in a period of massive demographic and social change, and all that change is creating a powerful backlash. The coalition being built by that backlash, the coalition Rubin is a part of, is best understood as a reactionary movement because, well, that’s what it is — a movement united by opposition to changes it loathes.

Reactionary, in this context, isn’t a slur; it’s a lineage, and it has a specific meaning that’s useful in understanding this group. And whether you support legal pot has nothing to do with it.

Let’s start in familiar territory.

In the context of American politics, I’m on the left. That’s also true for my colleague Matt Yglesias, who has extremely similar views to me on taxation and health care but extremely different views on veganism, which is an important political commitment to me but not to him. Stranger yet, it’s also true for the hosts of Chapo Trap House, a left-wing podcast that loathes me even though our substantive differences would look modest to a libertarian. And it’s arguably true for all kinds of lefty fringe types whose views I’d find abhorrent (anti-vaxxers, say).

If someone wrote a report trying to map the modern left, you’d quickly come up with a list that connects me to people I like but disagree with on some issues, people I dislike, people who dislike me, and people whom I don’t even think of as in my universe.

Which is all to say that mapping broad ideologies is an odd and imprecise business, and it’s particularly odd to the people caught up in it, who experience the fractiousness of their side at least as much as they experience its cohesion.

Lewis’s report is trying to map the emergence of a new coalition on the right, one driven by a reactionary impulse and centered on YouTube. If you’re over 30 and don’t use YouTube much, it’s almost impossible to convey how central the platform is to young people. But spend much time talking to college students about where they get their political information and you’ll find YouTube is dominant; what’s happening on the platform is important to our political future, and badly undercovered.

Lewis is interested in how this ecosystem is being shaped by both social and algorithmic dynamics. The social side is familiar: Hosts appears on each other’s shows, do events together, and cross-pollinate their audiences. The algorithmic side is less familiar: YouTube’s powerful recommendation engine learns who’s connected to whom, adds in a preference for extreme and outlandish content, and thus pushes the entire ecosystem in a more radical direction. (Controversially, Lewis suggests YouTube should cut the most extreme of these shows off from monetization channels; this part of the report is the least detailed and, in my view, the least convincing, so I’m not going to spend time on it here.)

Mapping this network carries the consequence of connecting people to voices they’d rather not be connected to — Ben Shapiro, a mainstream conservative, is angry at his inclusion. The shows he regularly appears on also host much more fringe figures, and this puts him a couple degrees out from white supremacists on Lewis’s map. But this is part of Lewis’s point: This world, in a way that’s unusual, has extremely porous borders between the mainstream and the extreme, and that’s a consequence of both ideological intention and algorithmic design.

One way to understand the Data & Society report is to see it as another cut at what Bari Weiss described in the New York Times (again naming Rubin and Shapiro, though omitting a lot of the more extreme figures identified by Lewis) as the “intellectual dark web.” Weiss’s piece described something real and important, but it had trouble defining their ideology, in large part because it was overly credulous. Here, for instance, is her explanation of what unites this community:

They all share three distinct qualities. First, they are willing to disagree ferociously, but talk civilly, about nearly every meaningful subject: religion, abortion, immigration, the nature of consciousness. Second, in an age in which popular feelings about the way things ought to be often override facts about the way things actually are, each is determined to resist parroting what’s politically convenient. And third, some have paid for this commitment by being purged from institutions that have become increasingly hostile to unorthodox thought — and have found receptive audiences elsewhere.

This is definitely what the members of this community say about themselves. But spend some time listening to Rubin call progressivism “a mental disorder,” or emailing with Sam Harris — a New Atheist author and podcaster in this community — and you find the commitment to civility or even debate is pretty thin. Similarly, this movement’s vaunted commitment to free speech looks a bit shallow after you receive a letter from Jordan Peterson threatening a lawsuit because you ran an interview with a scholar who criticized him. And, of course, every community believes they’re the ones who prize facts over feelings.

But if Weiss was fuzzy on what ties her subjects together, she did have a criticism of them, and it’s one that’s relevant to Lewis’s report: She worried that members of the IDW repeatedly provide platforms to “genuinely bad people” — listen to these shows, she warned, and “you’ll find alt-right figures like Stefan Molyneux and Milo Yiannopoulos and conspiracy theorists like Mike Cernovich (the #PizzaGate huckster) and Alex Jones (the Sandy Hook shooting denier).”

Lewis’s piece is best understood as the inverse of Weiss’s piece. Where Weiss drew a circle around the most respectable subgroup of this world, used their preferred term for themselves, and worried over the unsavory characters they were associating with, Lewis sees a broader “reactionary right” that includes the IDWers but also “the genuinely bad people” they’re connected to. (For the record, I think her report would’ve benefited from further breaking this world into typologies; you can see one cut at that here.)

There is, as advertised, a lot of different kinds of thinkers and a lot of very real disagreement in this emergent coalition; the question, as in any ideological group, is what unites them, what gives them the common ground atop which they have conversations and build audiences. This is Lewis’s key paragraph, emphasis mine:

The boundaries between different political groups of influencers and the ideological positions they promote are often slippery. Many identify themselves primarily as libertarians or conservatives. Others self-advertise as white nationalists. Simultaneously, these influencers often connect with one another across ideological lines. At times, influencers collaborate to the point that ideological differences become impossible to take at face value. For example, self-identified conservatives may disavow far-right extremism while also hosting explicit white nationalists on their channels. Within the [network], this collaboration generates a cross-promotion of ideas that forms a broader, intertextual common ground. Many of these YouTubers are less defined by any single ideology than they are by a “reactionary” position: a general opposition to feminism, social justice, or left-wing politics.

Lewis’s argument, which I agree with, is that the core, unshakable agreement uniting the reactionary right is their intense loathing of “the social justice left,” of political correctness, of threats to free speech as they define it.

Ideological coalitions depend on the agreements you emphasize and the disagreements you live with. Sen. Elizabeth Warren supports single-payer health care and Sen. Mark Warner doesn’t, but they’re still both Democrats. If Warner were anti-abortion, had signed Grover Norquist’s tax pledge, and had endorsed Donald Trump, he’d be out of the party. When you’re trying to understand an ideological coalition, you’re looking for those lines.

If you spend much time listening to the reactionary right, you find that line cuts across social justice issues. You can hold a lot of different opinions on the economy, on Trump, on same-sex marriage, on atheism, and still be part of this community. It’s much more accepting of differing views on health care, the role of the state, and taxation than the modern Republican Party. But you can’t be in sympathy with the SJWs.

On the left, the reverse is increasingly true. The unbridgeable divides today, the ones that seem to define which side you’re really on, revolve around issues of race, gender, identity, and equality. While I see a lot of angry arguments about deficits within the Democratic coalition, I don’t know of any congressional Democrats who are against gay marriage. vocally skeptical of Black Lives Matter, and in favor of tight restrictions on immigration — even though those were common positions among elected Democrats in the Aughts.

Trump is also a manifestation of this shift. In 2012, the Republican Party wanted to compromise on culture and immigration to win on economics; Trump dominated the primary by insisting on the opposite formulation. He cares little about entitlement spending but deeply about NFL players kneeling during the national anthem.

Back in April, I interviewed Lilliana Mason, a political scientist who specializes in identity formation. “Our party divisions have always been moving,” she said. “Sometimes we fight over economics, sometimes we fight over culture, but the line is always moving.” And right now, she continued, “there could be a real new partisan cleavage we are trying to organize around.” Perhaps, she suggested, the next political cleavage “is a social justice cleavage.”

I think she’s right, and one place you see it is on YouTube, where tomorrow’s politics are emerging today.

This brings us to Rubin’s challenge: How can he, or anyone, support same-sex marriage and legal pot and be described as a member of the reactionary right? Rubin is libertarian-ish, and certainly not an establishment Republican, so how could Lewis group him, and others like him, under this label?

Behind Rubin’s complaint is a common misunderstanding of what reactionary movements are. In his book The Reactionary Mind, the political theorist Corey Robin writes:

Far from yielding a knee-jerk defense of an unchanging old regime or a thoughtful traditionalism, the reactionary imperative presses conservatism in two rather different directions: first, to a critique and reconfiguration of the old regime; and second, to an absorption of the ideas and tactics of the very revolution or reform it opposes. What conservatism seeks to accomplish through that reconfiguration of the old and absorption of the new is to make privilege popular, to transform a tottering old regime into a dynamic, ideologically coherent movement of the masses.

Put differently, reactionary movements have two parts: The first is an extraction of the important, and now imperiled, power structures in the status quo, even as a lot of the ideological baggage that has endangered the status quo is jettisoned. The second is a recasting of a movement that is about defending an existing social order into a movement that appears revolutionary and vibrant on its own terms.

The YouTube right has all these hallmarks. It brands itself as edgy, punkish, dangerous, free-thinking. You get a lot of stuff like this:

[embedded content]

These new voices aren’t like those stodgy Bush-era Republicans. They smoke weed! They take psychedelics! They support same-sex marriage! As Lewis writes:

These influencers are adopting identity signals affiliated with previous countercultures, but the actual content of their arguments seeks to reinforce dominant cultural racial and gendered hierarchies. Their reactionary politics and connections to traditional modes of power show that what they are most often fighting for is actually the status quo—a return to traditional gender and racial norms, or a belief in the individual over an understanding of group oppression.

Watch Rubin’s softball interview with Milo about his dislike for feminism to see this in action. The aesthetics of the discussion are edgy and interesting; the content of it is a banal defense of societal structures that leave women paid far less than men; you could hear it made with more detail and rigor at any right-wing think tank in Washington:

[embedded content]

Jordan Peterson is probably this movement’s leading intellectual; he’s one of Rubin’s most frequent guests, and he has Rubin open for him on his speaking tours. There is much that makes Peterson’s thinking interesting and unusual. He’s a psychologist who’s turned Jungian interpretation of mythic archetypes into an idiosyncratic self-help philosophy for a secular age. But when it comes to politics, he’s recasting a defense of traditional hierarchies and inequalities as a brave stand for free thinking and individual rights.

[embedded content]

Peterson fears that gender and racial equity movements will go too far in challenging the natural order of things and destroy what made Western civilization great. What the world needs is intellectual rebels willing to shatter the social justice consensus, stare down the PC police, and say what no one else will:

[embedded content]

You can love Peterson’s work or hate it, but it’s classic reactionary thinking.

Reactionary movements emerge most powerfully in periods of change and upheaval. As Robin writes:

Conservatism “becomes conscious and reflective when other ways of life and thought appear on the scene, against which it is compelled to take up arms in the ideological struggle.” Where the traditionalist can take the objects of desire for granted—he can enjoy them as if they are at hand because they are at hand—the conservative cannot. He seeks to enjoy them precisely as they are being—or have been—taken away. If he hopes to enjoy them again, he must contest their divestment in the public realm.

So why is this tendency emergent now? What is it reacting to?

My long answer to this question is to go read “White threat in a browning America.” The short version is we’re in a period of massive demographic and social change. The power structures really are in flux. We just had a black president and now we have a white backlash president, the #MeToo movement is transforming workplaces, college campuses are majority female, and most infants under 3 are nonwhite, to name just a few of the ongoing revolutions. This is a lot of change, all at once.

The PC wars are downstream from these upheavals. As marginalized groups gain power, they make claims. They want resources they were denied, positions they’ve been excluded from, social mores that make them comfortable, a discourse that represents them, a recognition of the ways in which society has been built atop an unjust foundation. Some of this is easy enough for society to grant, but much of it threatens the majority’s status, power, resources, or simply its sense of security. Action like this creates, well, reaction — and reactionary movements.

If all Lewis’s report had done was outline some commonalities between the sprawling network of right-leaning YouTube hosts, that would have been interesting, but it wouldn’t have attracted much notice. But the core of her paper is about how this new ideology is shaping, and being shaped, by the social media platforms it operates on.

Lewis’s interest in Rubin, for instance, is in the way his show acts as a node between the most respectable side of the YouTube right (Shapiro) and its more fringe elements (Stefan Molyneux). And then, as Rubin’s audience is exposed to Molyneux, they get to the even more extreme figures Molyneux features on his show. The paper is full of node maps showing the connections between various hosts and the paths by which someone who begins in a relatively mainstream place can quickly get carried into deep depths of misogyny and racism.

It’s worth being careful with these diagrams. For instance, W. Kamau Bell has interviewed Richard Spencer, and I’ve interviewed W. Kamau Bell, so I can also be framed as two degrees from Richard Spencer. You need more context than a node map. What Lewis establishes in detail in the report, however, is a cooperative ecosystem in which key players act as conveyors from the mainstream right to the extreme right by conducting credulous, friendly interviews with both. Rubin is one of them.

Rubin protests, reasonably, that he hosts a talk show, and he doesn’t endorse all the views aired on it. But Lewis isn’t saying that Rubin agrees with everyone who appears on his show. She’s saying that he’s part of a social and algorithmic network in which he’s cross-pollinating audiences both intentionally, in terms of whom he has on and what shows he goes on, and unintentionally, in terms of what the algorithm learns to show his followers. And it’s not just him: there’s a whole ecosystem of people alongside him doing the same thing.

A key question as movements develop is who gets excluded. William F. Buckley famously fought to drive the John Birch Society out of polite conservatism. But this is a community that delights in pushing boundaries, in presenting itself as the last place you can hear the views that the PC police are stifling, if only so you can reject them for yourself. That leads to them proudly hosting fringe and extreme voices both because it fits their ideological self-conception and because it’s good programming.

YouTube’s recommendation engine, meanwhile, is following all these digital footsteps. It sees connections, not context. It knows when audiences repeatedly come together, not why they come together. And it guesses what they’re likely to click on next.

The digital scholar Zeynep Tufekci has written about YouTube’s role as an engine of radicalization. She retells watching Donald Trump videos and then being pointed toward “white supremacist rants, Holocaust denials and other disturbing content.” Watching Hillary Clinton rallies led her to “arguments about the existence of secret government agencies and allegations that the United States government was behind the attacks of Sept. 11.” Even nonpolitical topics followed the pattern: “Videos about vegetarianism led to videos about veganism. Videos about jogging led to videos about running ultramarathons.”

Extremism is interesting. That’s part of the YouTube right’s programming strategy and it’s part of YouTube’s algorithmic strategy. But whether anyone intends it to or not, this mixture of social, political, and algorithmic preferences for extremism means that a 17-year-old kid who begins watching videos on the YouTube right can get drawn into very dark places very fast.

Ideological coalitions are strange things, and all the more so when they’re young and untested. They’re not really under anyone’s control. They often end up grouping together people who don’t much like each other. The boundaries of a movement aren’t just defined by who leads it, but who its followers believe belongs in it, and who they’re guided towards once they make contact with it. Making it yet more complex, this is arguably the first time we’ve seen a distinctive ideological coalition emerging atop social media platforms and under the influence of social media algorithms.

My guess is that there are dynamics on the reactionary right that will crack under different political structures. A normal Republican in the White House would likely split off some of the more mainstream conservatives from some of the more anti-establishment nodes, while a mainstream Democrat might strengthen these ties. But the new reactionary right is bigger than people realize and is only going to become more important in the future. Efforts to map it, and understand it — in terms of both how it understands itself and what it prefers not to understand about itself — are necessary, even if they’re imperfect.

Original Source -> The rise of YouTube’s reactionary right

via The Conservative Brief

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