I have reasons to believe that levi may have truly thought of living together with hanji back in ch126, based on his own monologue in ch136:
before hanji said "maybe we should just live here together, right levi?" in ch 126, hanji expressed the feeling of being trapped and that they've reached seemingly reached their limit.
"sounds like our time has come. you might feel like you're doing the right thing, but times change and you find yourself in a cell."
at this moment, I think hanji felt that their time as scouts may have already come to an end. hence, they thought of leaving everything behind to start anew (together with levi)
similarly with levi in ch136, he asks what if their roles had already ended way back then? when they got those brats to the sea?
both hanji and levi had a period of uncertainty regarding their duties as members of the survey corps. which I think is reasonable because while hanji and levi both have a strong sense of duty, they are still humans nonetheless.
I think it may have been possible levi was on the same track as hanji in 126, just that we never saw his direct pov in the forest. I get the impression that he might've thought of agreeing with them, BUT things take another turn after they got summoned in the paths by eren.
they learn that eren has activated the rumbling and this may have served as a sign to levi and hanji that their roles aren't over yet. humanity still needs them.
which leads us to this conversation:
it's not that levi was rejecting hanji (like I've been saying, I believe he might've agreed with them if eren never activated the rumbling), it's just that he knew hanji would never sit back while countless of lives are getting slaughtered. their roles are not done yet. if they let this happen, the sacrifices their comrades had made would be put in pain.
and it does follow the pattern of levi's monologue because he continues with this:
and hanji in 127 says this:
again, basically, both levi and hanji did have a period where they hesitated with their roles, hanji had a direct dialogue addressing it ("I was the one trying to run away"), but it circles back to their duties as scouts, the world getting flattened isn't what their comrades has devoted their lives for so they must protect it. they are going to save humanity or whatever's left of it. they can't just run away and take that brief moment of peace just for themselves.
also as hanji puts it "I feel the eyes of my comrades on me." "almost all of them died without ever knowing that humanity existed outside the wall". hanji likely felt guilty over the fact that they thought of choosing peace for themself when their comrades had devoted their lives over their own personal desires. and I'm guessing it is the same for levi.
(just to add this here, there is actually something even sadder behind levi's monologue. but it's too long to discuss it here.)
also, I think someone might ask, but what about levi fulfilling the promise he made with erwin back in shiganshina? would he still run away when he needs to do that? okay I have this guess that levi had already come into terms that he failed:
in the forest, levi admits to himself that he screwed up. and later during the battle of heaven and earth, he says "I've never bungled one of his orders. not even once. and yet for some reason, his final order is the kne that I just can't."
but you might ask, "he is still looking for zeke tho when he woke up?", and I think that's because of his newfound resolve, which is to stop the rumbling once and for all. it's likely that levi realized that this isn't only about the lives that were sacrificed in shiganshina anymore, the predicament they are facing at the moment is much larger in scale. and I think both knew that to activate the powers of the founding titan, eren would need his brother. so yes it does fall back to zeke, and then there's hanji's hypothesis (that levi himself brought up) that they may have to kill zeke to stop the rumbling.
there's also this detail back in 126 where hanji said "I'm sure you want revenge but right now..." and then levi proceeds with "if we keep running and hiding...what will that get us."
thing is, levi doesn't agree about taking revenge or what not. what he probably just had in mind then was to stop zeke and the rumbling, which is what he also assumes that hanji had in mind hence "I know you, you can't stay out of the action" to which hanji agrees.
and I think all these, adds weight to levi's motivation in attempting to hold hanji back from leaving in 132. it's not the same thing with erwin back in shiganshina where levi ultimately gave the call for him. hanji's decision has been made so why else would levi get in their other than to try and change their mind? and it wasn't likely over something like "we still need your leadership". levi addresses hanji as "four-eyes", therefore dropping any sense of formality (I know levi never stricly complied with using titles and honorifics but he stopped calling hanji with that nickname after RTS), which possibly hints to levi addressing hanji in a personal level. he is not asking hanji as the captain of the survey corps, but rather simply as levi who shares a deep personal bond with hanji. and if we take into account the points made above, the levi who also wanted to share a life with hanji.
but even before levi could draw any words out of him, hanji went ahead to say "you understand.", "just let me go will you?", which sounds to be a reference to levi's "I know you" back in the forest. likely to remind levi that they both made their decision then and this isn't the appropriate time to look back.
as you can tell, levi is obviously against the idea of hanji dying. when hanji parotted the same words erwin did in shiganshina, levi was visibly upset over it. interestingly enough, that was hanji's response to levi's "unrequited love for titans" line that has been thoroughly discussed by japanese fans that may have been holding certain nuances such as levi implying that hanji's feelings are requited by someone (possibly him). we can also connect this to the feelings he may have inwardly thought back in 126 but never got the chance to say out loud. but suddenly asks if levi thinks their comrades are watching them? again, probably in reference to hanji's words to jean and mikasa in 127 when they seem to be expressing guilt over the fact that they had thought of running away (taking their own personal peace), when their comrades died without even knowing about the truth beyond the walls. "I feel the eyes of all of my comrades on me". it's a bit similar to when erwin said this before when he was thinking of his own desire of seeing the basement, above his own duties as commander. so I guess we can say if erwin's personal desire was his childhood dream to uncover the truth found at the basement of eren's house, for hanji it was to live in peace (with levi).
the "live together in peace" trope had been used several times in aot and often with the strongly implied ships. but I think levi and hanji's were meant to directly mirror eren and mikasa's. note that I don't think that their dynamics as a ship are the same, it's different I tell you. but there are narrative points between them that appears to be tied? I think the fate of those two pairs are intertwined in a tragic fate? because as long as eren decides to activate the rumbling, hanji would definitely form the alliance to stop it and it would eventually lead to their death. eren had always meant to leave mikasa and his friends because of his plan to go forth with the rumbling, therefore negating the possibility of that reality of him running away with mikasa. and in turn, hanji (and levi) wouldn't have ran away as well back when they were in the forest because they would stop eren and his plans. (I actually have a separate post for this so I'm not gonna get into details now. )
in the end while levi and hanji's relationship lacked an outright label, I think there were enough hints that strongly imply that it had taken a romantic turn at some point. solidified by their (mutual) wish to stay together. it's a tragic tale between two people who devoted their hearts for others and sacrificed their own personal wishes.
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A Galling Yoke, Part 14
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for the “Take care of them for me, will you?”, “You have no idea what you mean to me”, and Having feelings for someone you hurt squares on my July Break Bingo card
See this post for main info, including a masterlist and synopsis. See this post for warnings.
Word Count: 2.8k
Pairing: Sherlock Holmes x f!Reader
Rating: Teen
A couple of hours after Sherlock and William left, one of them returned. It wasn’t until Sherlock walked through the door alone that the reality fully sank in for you: your little brother had overturned his life for you. He had done so of his own volition, and it was entirely possible that he would end up a happier man with the freedom of being a low-status commoner, but you knew you were not successful in reassuring yourself when Sherlock became alarmed and gathered you into his arms.
“Do not cry, petal. Please—I hate to see your tears.”
“Oh, heavens,” you sniffled into his chest. “I have been crying a lot, have I not?”
Leading you to the settee, he said, “Not any more than is warranted given the series of upheavals your life has been recently.”
That got a wet laugh out of you. “Are you actually validating expressions of emotion, Sherlock?”
“Only yours.” He froze halfway through lowering himself to sit beside you. “That is, I care only about your emoti— No, I mean being emotional is only reasonable when it is y— Oh, for pity’s sake.”
You clapped a hand over your mouth to stay the giggles at his sudden ineloquence. The man could monologue on the spot about dastardly deeds and murderous mysteries, but he got tongue-tied trying to comfort a friend! He seemed to recognise the incongruity himself, as he dragged a palm down his face and practically flopped down beside you.
“I am already bungling the one request he made of me,” he groaned.
You sobered quickly at that. “What do you mean? William? What did he say to you?”
“Naught surprising. Asked me about my…” He waved off the rest of the sentence like it was a nuisance of a housefly.
“Your what?” You gawped. “Your intentio—?”
“And then he told me to watch over you in his absence. His single, final request. As I said, naught surprising.”
The scene materialised in your imagination: William emulating Sherlock’s graveness as best he could so that he could deliver his message sternly, “Take care of her for me, will you?” With a fortifying inhale, you let the imagery dissolve.
“What…did you answer?” you questioned, inexplicably nervous to know.
He arched an eyebrow. “Internally, I was rather offended that he thought he had to ask. As though I am going to let you go after only just getting you back.”
Your eyes dropping, you fidgeted with your sleeves, suddenly—and untimeously—remembering that you were in Sherlock’s clothes.
“Ah.” Blast! Really!
“Externally, I reassured him that you can take care of yourself, as evidenced by the past decade and a half—and, frankly, even before that.”
You raised your gaze to smile up at him, pleased by his approbation.
It was his turn to fidget for a moment. “Of course,” he started, flustered, “that means not that I shall stand by. It is clear to me now that I know not always what is best for you—but I do always want what is best for you. No, indeed,” he went on, coolheaded and self-assured now, “I have learnt my lesson and shall never abandon you again.”
Smile widening, you scooted closer to him and tentatively laid your hand on top of the one of his that lay on the settee between you. The back of his hand was rough, cracked by the dry winter air, but all the stronger and warmer feeling for it. “I believe it, sir, and I welcome your presence in my life.”
He, with great care, turned his hand over and threaded his fingers through yours.
Entranced, you smiled down at the sight for quite some time. Your hand fit perfectly in his. This felt just as snug as, though headily more intimate than, being tucked into his side on the street, your arm hooked around his elbow. When you looked up, you found Sherlock’s stare fixed on you.
“Is aught the matter?”
He frowned. “Yes. Or, well, no, not if you would…” The frown deepened to a scowl. “Would you like to know why you are ‘petal’ to me?”
You blinked a few times. The forbidding visage did not match the personal direction this conversation had swerved, until you recognised the discomfort lining Sherlock’s form.
“I have wanted to know since you came up with that little nickname, if you recall,” you replied, keeping your tone light to hopefully lift some of his discomposure. “I only stopped pestering you for an explanation after years of your continual refusing.”
His eyes darted to and from yours. “Well, I continually refused because it was…sentimental.”
“Ah.” Not again! Say something cleverer than that, for heaven’s sake! “Sherlock, the last thing I wish to do is embarrass you. You need not tell me. I had only been curious, and I am content to not know.”
“I wish you to know,” he said, his gaze finally settling on yours. “I always had. It was only my confounded hubris that kept my lips sealed—you know how it is at that age, thinking you can have it all, and I thought I could have you and keep you at a distance at the same time. But now, now, I would have you know that there is naught I guard more closely or hold higher up than you, even any semblance of being superior in my immunity to…well, to sentiment.”
In other words, the olive branch of olive branches, the goodwill gesture of goodwill gestures. The first step of many future steps. You smiled. “I would love to know, sir.”
He shifted closer, close enough that his and your knees touched. “We spent many hours out-of-doors, exploring, talking, getting into minor trouble.”
You smirked. He paused to shoot you a withering look.
“Yes, minor. It was never that bad.”
“Go on, Sherlock.”
“Right. Well. It did not take me long to notice the resemblance between you and the flowers we’d come across, their petals bright, budding…beautiful, of course.”
“Of course,” you said, sounding surprisingly controlled for how quickly you’d lost your breath.
“Yet the petal is a protector,” mused Sherlock. “It is crucial to the survival and prosperity of the flower—but also to its pleasantness. Its homeliness, in a way. The analogy was puerile, yes, but privately charming, and it stuck. When I saw you again, after all of these years apart, these thoughts came back to me, but more…more meaningfully, I suppose, than when I first had them.”
Unsteady, you nodded in understanding. You recalled Sherlock scandalising your butler and your father alike by addressing you with such familiarity; you recalled him trying to cover his tracks by playing it off as something he and Mycroft did. But no, the elder Holmes brother would sooner call you pest than petal. You had allowed Sherlock’s little white lie because you truly had believed it to be a thoughtless slip…and all along, it had been anything but thoughtless.
“The more the old nickname arose in my thoughts,” he said, “the more meaning it carried with it. Even though much has changed for us—and, indeed, between us—I still find you to be the most resplendent, most vivacious part of my life.”
“Truly?” you breathed.
“Well and truly.” He moved the hand of yours that he held into his lap. “That you are astounded surprises me not, for I shall be the first to confess that I am perplexed as to how such tender feelings can persist here.” Balling his other hand into a fist on his knee, he muttered, “It is the epitome of illogic, to care for one whom I have hurt.”
“I have hurt you as well, Sherlock,” you reminded him softly.
“Yes, and yet…” He lifted your hand to his lips and punctuated his words with kisses to your knuckles. “And yet, I would have you, petal. I—your brother simply wants not that you be without friends, but I, selfishly—I would have you as my lifelong puzzle, I would be the certainty throughout your uncertainties…”
In quick succession, memories flashed in your mind: All the times Sherlock had given you his right arm to maximise the support of your injured knee, had taken the time to explain his thought process to you instead of spouting his conclusions and expecting you to follow along, had given you space in his life and work despite his instincts to take it all up himself, had spoken up for you when something discomfited or somebody distressed you. All the ways he had encouraged your theories and supported your contributions to the case, had reached out with logical reasoning and impassioned promises alike to ease your mind whenever necessary, had been attuned to your moods at all and striven to keep you from losing yourself in your troubles or your thoughts, had somehow allowed you to reflect on your past without regret. Together, they formed a mural you had somehow not noticed being built in your heart until this instant—a mural that proved nothing was more certain than that you, without knowing, without having to know, had let Sherlock Holmes into your lifeblood.
“…if you would have me, my lady.”
A tiny breath escaped you. If, indeed. “You have no idea what you mean to me, Sherlock.” Pulling your hand away from his mouth, out of his grip, looping it instead around his neck along with your other arm, you dragged him down to you.
It was not like the kiss from this morning. Indeed, it was not like any kiss you’d ever experienced before: here, in this cranny of the world alone, the air was richer with Sherlock’s warm and enveloping musk, your lungs fuller with the bittersweet blend of old rifts and nascent reconciliation; now, uniquely in this pocket of time, your skin met Sherlock’s in a collision of years-old longing singing out and weeks-long control unravelling at the seams. These precious few minutes were inimitable.
Only the tightness in your gut grounded you as your heartbeat raced high and hard to match the melody of Sherlock’s. His hands roving from your hips to your shoulders were all that propped you up, his hungered breaths into your mouth were all that sustained you.
And soon, that was not enough. With a groan deep in his throat, Sherlock desperately hauled you closer by the nape. You were crushed against his firm front, but with the song in your breast all the louder and higher for it, you sank into the stinging sensation of not being able to catch your breath. Gasping, you raked your hands through his hair, soft curls giving way to your fingers’ ministrations, and tugged at the ends. He nipped at your lips in reply, and you couldn’t help but smile against his mouth at his playfulness.
Your smile widened even as he, pulling away, exhaled a soft laugh and brought you against his chest.
“Are you well?” you asked, still grinning. Your heart and lungs remained abuzz, thrumming with the exhilaration of this moment, of it being real, of you being in it. Deep down, you ached for all the moments you’d lost to resentment and self-grief, yet your blood sang with the triumphant understanding that you had never lost yourself, you had never been given up on.
“I am. Rather…perfect, actually.”
At that, you curled up tighter against him, hiding your smile in the crook of his neck, and he dropped a kiss into your hair.
“I was merely thinking,” he murmured, “having ‘no idea’ bothers me not, just this once.” He paused, and you could practically hear the nonplussed scrunch of his eyebrows. “Love. What it does to people.”
You stifled a ridiculous giddy giggle by kissing the hollow of his throat. Love. Dear heavens, could it really be…? He had declared his love just a fortnight ago, of course, but you hadn’t believed him then. Now. Now…
He started to card his fingers lightly through your hair, and you thought of the other declaration of love he’d made moments ago. He might not have said “My lady, I am in love with you” this time, but he had sounded just as passionate—or, indeed, more so—in his attempt to prove that he was not so leery of irrational sentiment anymore.
A blush bloomed under your collar; oh, yes, Sherlock certainly could be poetic when he wanted to be. Or maybe he didn’t even realise just how poetic he’d sounded, and wasn’t that all the more endearing to you. Regardless, you wouldn’t be thinking of his little nickname for you the same way ever again.
Petal.
Eudoria always loved flowers—maybe that had played a role in Sherlock’s subconscious fixation on them while you were out causing “minor” trouble. But now, you recalled an offhand remark she often made about petals: everyone with taste appreciated their splash of colour and aesthetic variety, but those people were liable to think of them as merely pretty and delicate; only those with scientific minds could see past that, could see their deeper worth in the leading roles they played in a flower’s lifetime, could appreciate them fully.
And who had a scientific mind if not Sherlock Holmes?
He who had not believed you were a killer even if it was logical, he who had nursed you back to health even if it was illogical, he who would choose you when it was totally nonsense—through total nonsense—was Sherlock Holmes. If there was another person out there who could be right for you, you did not want to find them; you did not want anyone else to be the certainty throughout your uncertainties; and you wanted nothing more than to be the lifelong puzzle of the man you loved.
You ducked your head and searched for Sherlock’s hand, playing nervously with those clever digits once you found it. “Sherlock,” you said. “There is something I wish to tell you.”
“There is something I wish to tell you as well.”
Your breath left you in one fell swoop.
“I had wanted to tell you as soon as I returned, but then you started crying, and we had that conversation and intense osculation session—”
Heat cascaded from your head to your neck. “Yes, Sherlock, I was there.”
“I only mean to say that there did not seem to be a good time.”
Biting your lip, you forced your head up to meet his gaze in spite of your self-consciousness. “Well,” you said, deciding to let Sherlock say the words before you did if he wanted the honour so strongly, “you may speak first, sir.”
He smiled down at you. “I thank you, my sweet.”
You smiled up at him, your heart beating a more and more sweeping staccato of anticipation.
“After escorting Pashbroke to Scotland Yard and ensuring the case was in good hands, I decided to stop by Voss House since Grosvenor Square is on the way here.”
Your smile started to fade.
“I had wanted to update your loyal Mr and Mrs Rogers about your condition, you see, and hoped to grab some clothes for you while I was at it.”
Oh, dear. This wasn’t going where you’d expected, was it?
“But plans changed. As my hansom approached your address, I saw a cabriolet parked outside that boasted your family crest. Naturally, I deduced that your father was there—”
“What?”
“—so I told the driver to not stop after all…my lady, where are you going?”
On your feet now, you pressed a palm to your forehead. “Gracious. How could I have forgotten?” You shook your head and focused on getting a move on. “Sherlock, where are the clothes I was wearing when I arrived here? I ought not to appear in men’s garments and appal Father any more than I already shall when he finds out about— Oh, Father knows not what has happened with William… Heaven help me, I shall have to explain it all… Well, a confrontation would have been inevitable, at any rate, given my promise…”
“What promise?” he questioned, hot on your heels as you raced to and fro to get ready to leave. “And why are you in such a rush? Ought you to be convalescing while—?”
“I have been convalescing all morning—in front of a very pleasant fire, no less. I can handle teatime with my father,” you declared. “Now, sir: my clothes?”
With a sigh, Sherlock led you to where your numerous layers had been left to dry, evidently giving credit to your claim that tea with Lord Coltidge was well within your capabilities. Now, if only you could do the same.
Thank you for reading, and thank you to @every-username-is-taken-damnit, @wa-ni, and @marveldcmistress for helping me face the daunting task of writing The Kiss Scene lol. Feedback is always welcome!
Taglist [comment below if you’d like to be added!]: @theyaremorethanjustfictional @wonderlandfandomkingdom
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