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notrecommendedforlife-blog · 4 months

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the stars where we’re livin’

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

It took a week for Clay to finally calm down enough to return to their pod

(Clay takes care of Branch AU)

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

Chapter 2: Baby Branch

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

When Clay wakes up, he’s curled on his side, with a throbbing ache in his head and something pressing against his chest. Blinking his eyes open, grimacing at the grainy feeling of crying himself to sleep produced, he looks around.

Instead of the den, Clay is in Grandma Ro’s room, lying on her soft bed with a multitude of blankets and pillows surrounding him like a nest.

He goes to push himself up but stops when he hears a small whine.

Against his chest is Branch, the blue Trolling looking up at him with barely opened eyes.

His baby brother yawns, nuzzling closer, “Don’ go ag’in.”

Clay freezes, his eyes burning at the words.

Laying back down, Clay curls around his baby brother, his tail coming up and covering his face with its yellow tuft of fur. As Branch starts to tiredly purr, Clay curls up tighter, willing his tears not to fall while he hesitantly echoes the happy and comforting sound.

“Don’t worry, Baby Blue, I won’t leave you again,” Clay presses a small kiss to Branch’s forehead, “I promise.”

Clay doesn’t know how long he stays there, still purring long after Branch falls back to sleep, breathing through his need to cry.

As he lays there, he begins to think.

That last fight hadn’t been the first one Branch witnessed, not by a long shot, but it was definitely the first fight he saw that ended with everyone walking out.

Fuck…

Clay was so wrapped up in his own shit, he never thought what he’d end up putting Branch through by walking out like that.

Branch should’ve never had to worry about Clay, or any of their brothers, leaving him.

But now they’re here.

John, Spruce, and Floyd left the Tree- left Grandma and him and Branch.

Did his brothers even think?

Clay squeezes his eyes shut at that thought.

That’s not fair, he knows it’s not fair.

But his emotions are too much to think rationally about their reasons, he’s just pissed.

Clay’s thoughts are interrupted by the soft sound of the room door opening and closing, near silent steps head towards the bed.

Opening his eyes and peeking over the nest of blankets, Clay sees his Grandma sitting down on an armchair next to the bed (one that was originally in the den), giving him a small smile when she catches his eyes.

Carefully bundling Branch into his arms, Clay maneuvers around until he’s leaning against the wall of the nest with Branch still sleeping away on his chest. Branch unconsciously nuzzles closer, his small tail wrapping around Clay’s forearm.

“Here, honeybee,” He looks up to Grandma Ro holding a cup of water out to him, “You need to drink somethin’, pro’ly dehydrated yourself this mornin’.”

Clay lets the cup be guided to his mouth and takes small sips. When he’s done, he leans back and stares at the ceiling.

His Grandma lets him sit in silence, clearly waiting for him to be comfortable enough to start the conversation.

“They’re really gone?” He whispers into the silence.

Grandma Ro’s ears tilt downward, “Yes. The Guard is keeping an eye out for them, though.”

“But?” Clay asks.

She sighs, her paws clenching around the glass, “It’s nothin’ you have to worry ‘bout, baby.”

Clay clenches his jaw so hard his teeth hurt.

Nothing for him to worry about?

He’s here! He’s here and they’re not!

They escaped.

They escaped the Tree, they escaped the Bergens, they escaped Trollstice.

They escaped but left half their family here to suffer.

It’s not even the fact that they didn’t think of him or Grandma when leaving, it’s that they left Branch.

Branch who’s barely over a year old, who’s completely innocent in all their fights, who’s looked up to each of them since the day he hatched, who they all promised to protect.

But now they’re gone, so that means it’s up to Clay to keep him safe.

“Roro,” Clay’s voice cuts through the tenseness that blanketed them, his tone serious but his eyes still full of tears, “If whatever the Guard said affected you, it’ll affect me, which will affect Branch. We can’t do that anymore, we gotta be a team now.”

His Grandma searches his face, eyes eventually falling on the sleeping Trolling in his arms, then she deflates, looking so much older and world-weary than normal.

“They tried not to say anything else in front of me but, when they thought I was far enough away, they theorized that even if they made it out of Bergen Town and survived the dangers outside, they probably won’t take the risk to come back,” Her lip pulls over her teeth in a snarl, her next words a near growl, “Especially not to a broken family.”

You know what, fuck the Guard.

Fuck them and their stupid ass opinions.

They’ve never cared about any Troll except the Royal Family, despite the propaganda they love to push about protecting everyone.

They make sure the Royal Family is hidden during Chef’s sporadic visits to the Cage for a snack but never attempt to alert “lesser” Trolls, even purposely destroying the alert system that was made for that very reason!

Clay wants to tense, to let his tail lash against the bed, to growl, and let all his anger out at those words - but he doesn’t. He makes himself breathe through all his thoughts and anger, then hugs Branch closer.

Grandma Ro sighs and sets down the glass on the bedside dresser, “I’m gonna make you and Branch somethin’ to eat.” She stands up and presses a kiss to Clay’s temple, giving him a smile when he affectionately bumps his head against her cheek, “Call me if you need anythin’, ‘kay?”

“‘Kay,” Clay mumbles back.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

“Clay?”

“What’s up, Blueberry?” Clay asks the Trolling sitting in his lap, setting the empty bowls of soup on the dresser.

Branch doesn’t look up as he plays with his tail, even when Clay wraps his arms around the Trolling, hooking his chin over Branch’s head to see what he’s doing.

“Are we a broken family?” Branch asks in a tearful voice, clenching and unclenching his paws around his tail in a self-soothing action.

Clay tightens his arms around Branch before quickly relaxing them, “No, we’re not. Where did you hear that?”

His baby brother leans back against his chest, letting go of his tail to wrap his arms around one of Clay’s arms and his tail around the other, “You and Gramma…”

Clay grimaces, “You were awake?”

How didn’t Clay notice that?

Actually- how was Branch able to fake being asleep so well?

“Mmhmm,” Branch nods against his arm.

Sighing, Clay turns Branch around to face him, Branch staring resolutely at Clay’s neck, “Can you look at me?” Tear-filled eyes look at him, and Clay gives him a soft smile, “Thank you, sweet boy.”

Branch sniffles, a few tears falling. A comforting trill leaves Clay’s throat as he wipes away the tears.

“We are, aren’t we? Because of me?”

That question feels like a knife straight to the gut and a Bergen squishing his heart between its fingers, all in one.

“No, no, no, no,” Clay coos, “Baby boy, we aren’t broken- and even if we were, it wouldn’t be because of you.”

Branch’s wide blue eyes look doubtful and heartbroken, which is an expression no Trolling - especially his baby - should ever wear.

“We’re… messy. Our family is chaotic and messy and bendy,” Clay cups Branch’s face, pressing a kiss to his nose, “But not broken.” He rubs his thumb back and forth over Branch’s cheek, “Why do you think it’s your fault?”

Branch looks away from him again, grabbing Clay’s arm so he can fiddle with his wristband. Clay lets him, patiently waiting until Branch is ready to talk.

Soon, more tears well up and start falling down, “I fell and messed up the song,” He sobs out, “It’s my fault Johnny and Spruce and Floyd left! It’s my fault!”

Clay can’t keep the horror off his face as he hugs Branch closer and presses the Trolling’s face into the curve of his neck, shedding his own tears at the soul-crushing sobs his baby brother lets out.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

Branch doesn’t know how long he hides away in Clay’s neck.

Last night, he was so happy that Clay came back! And even when his big brother started crying, Branch was happy he was able to help comfort him!

And while he’s still happy Clay’s here, more feelings are pressing down on him and making him feel bad.

Branch didn’t mean to break their family - he was trying so hard to keep up with his brothers on stage (but he didn’t remember ever practicing that move!) and he ended up ruining everything!

When Clay tries to remove Branch from his neck, Branch presses closer, soaking up as much affection as he can before Clay decides to leave too.

Too soon, Clay pulls him back, having him lean back on his curled-up legs.

Clay’s voice is soft but stern, like Gramma’s, when he asks, “I need you to listen to me, okay?”

Branch nods, but doesn’t look up. He doesn’t want to see how upset Clay is with him.

Clay doesn’t let him, instead gently cupping his face between his paws and guiding his head up. When his eyes meet Clay’s, he feels his heart hurt at the tears that fall down his big brother’s face because of him.

“You didn’t mess up anything, Branch,” When Branch goes to shake his head, Clay holds him in place, “No, you didn’t.”

Branch whines, trying to pull away but stops when Clay gently squeezes his face three times.

Clay smiles at him, rubbing his thumb back and forth over his cheek, “None of us knew JD was gonna go off script, and, in all honesty, we weren’t in the best headspaces going on stage.”

“Why?” Branch slowly brings his paws up to grab Clay’s covered wrists, squeezing back three times.

𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘

#dreamworks trolls #trolls band together #trolls clay #trolls branch #trolls grandma rosiepuff #the stars where we livin'#tswwl #notrecommendedforlife-blog

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hostilemuppet · 2 months

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Brozone & Acquaintances: Fame and Blunders (The Rise And Fall, The Epic Highs And Lows Of Trolltwt) Part Six

split into a new post bc the last one (parts 1-5, crossposted on ao3 (including intermission)) got too long. as always, cowritten by the evil genius @squirrelpatties

cloud guy: infamous leaktwt contributor, with a specific fixation on branch (and to a lesser extent anyone close to branch, but branch is his #1). he got his hands on several embarrassing baby photos of branch, which even jd was concerned about, because "we never published those ones, they were just for grandmas wallet". some of his most well known leaks were "barb was admitted to rehab" "creek got a BBL" and "smidge had a miscarriage" (the latter overshadowing the other two by a significant margin)

sky toronto: egotistical millionaire who bought twitter and changed the logo into a tie. whenever creek posts a new off-the-wall conspiracy theory to his impressionable audience, sky replies that hes "Looking into this..." (theyre oomfs). many of his experimental party supplies have killed a disgusting amount of animal test subjects but that doesnt mean hes not willing to test on trolls. branch almost dies when hes hit by someones neuro-mind-link party popper.

smidge vs barbtwt: several influential barbtwt members with a tie to a certain infamous leaker who shall not be named (they paid him. he didnt need the money he just likes messing with people) get their hands on smidges medical records, initially to prove shes trans (shes not) but they instead learn about her miscarriage. instead of backing off, showing her sympathy and feeling guilty about this disgusting breach of privacy, they coordinate to make this public knowledge the next time smidges name trends. twitter is divided into "smidgetwt supporting her wholeheartedly through this horrible situation" "smidge antis who think 'she had it coming'" and "barbtwt happy that smidge is suffering". this sparks a debate on the ethics of trolls smoking while with eggs, with pro-egg-smokers saying its their body their choice and anti-egg-smokers saying "are you out of your damn mind". this is how smidge reveals she is simultaneously pro-egg-smoking and pro-life. its a bloodbath. she drops off the face of the internet never to be seen again........ unless 🤔

cloud guy (part 2): after years of providing the public service of "making branchs life miserable", cloud guys twitter account (and IP) is sadly permabanned when poppy demands sky toronto take action the third time branch is doxxed. sky toronto originally didnt care but after a solid week of her pestering him, he gave up, but only because he forgot to take "no doxxing" out of troll twitters TOS, and the backlash would be worse than hes willing to deal with right now. sleep well, soldier 🫡.

dante vs poppy: dante is branchs stalker. routinely stakes out by branchs pod to take photos of him for his shrine. its not a sex thing but whatever it is is way weirder than a sex thing. branch has moved pods 3 times but dante always manages to find him. perhaps he has friends in high places? regardless of the "how", the "what" is poppy wants him fucking Gonezo. unfortunately dante, as an ambassador for classical trolls, is not under poppys jurisdiction of pop trolls. she decides the only way to deal with the "rando stalking my partner" situation is to catch him with one of branchs traps. except, dante can fly, so rope traps arent effective and poppy needs to get creative and potentially very violent. she asks branch if he still has those spikes she begged him to take down. he does but he repurposed them as hat racks. now he needs to find somewhere else to put his hats!

gus tumbleweed: lowtiergod-esque fighting game streamer whos known for yelling and screaming at his opponents when he loses. he goes into long, drawn out, nonsensical similes and metaphors to describe how much he wants the player who beat him to kill themself or otherwise die painfully

tiny (in game chat): git rekt f4gg0t gus (on mic): someone outta hog tie ya and hang ya up in the middle o town like a pinata caught sleezin with the mayors daughter tiny (in game chat): bro

is invited to take part in a tournament for charity during pride month. when beaten by a gay guy he regresses to violently homophobic hatespeach. youd think thisd be a career ender but its amazing what "pretending to be attracted to your fellow straight male friends" can fix! he makes a halfhearted comment about thinking one of his streamer friends is handsome and/or has a nice ass and everything is back to normal, and he faces zero consequences for his actions.

holly darlin: fellow twitch streamer, although in different circles to gus tumbleweed. she is undefeated at chess but otherwise unremarkable, yet because shes a woman everyone hates her. after a year or two or constant hate she decides "fuck it" and commits to selling snake oil. the hell are they gonna do? call her a whore? shes already got every variation and misspelling caught in autofilter, buddy. she peddles for the same company that supplies the diet pills satin and chenille hype up on their podcast. its how she and satin meet. theyre lesbians now. it makes the hate holly gets SOOOOOO much worse but satins used to it so shes unaffected. chenille gets no say in the matter

synth: third and final twitch streamer (...so far). the gay guy who beat gus in a tournament for charity and was met with violent hatespeach. beforehand was one of the smaller creators in the tournament but afterward he blew up a lot more. he does a lot of charity streams, mostly for the benefit of disabled children, out of the goodness of his heart and NOT the glory like some OTHER trolls mentioned two paragraphs previous. hes just a good guy! also almost had a thing with branch when they were both confused about each others identities.

synth: today marks a year since i almost kissed a very attractive twunk in pop village and then found out he was a lesbian who thought i was a lesbian minuet: gay culture

broppy: theyre doing great! absolutely NO problems whatsoever! im sure it will last forever!

#text #twitter drama au

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cutelittleriot · 3 months

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Return to origin band together

It was time for King Gristle and Bridget's wedding and everyone was so excited and happy for the soon to be married couple.

Poppy especially was happy her best friend was getting married and she was going to help her with her wedding dress! She has so many ideas she wants to share!

Right now she has to go get Branch who said he had something to do. She had let him be for the time being but now she has to go find him it's almost time for the wedding!

When Branch was heading out to go help King Gristle he passed by his Grandma's old pod. He looked at it both fondly and sad. He had alot of good memories there with her and his brothers but also some bad ones. Like her getting eaten,his brothers arguing and well leaving him. He hasn't gone back this entire time but now that he feels better mentally he thinks he is finally ready to take that step.

Slowly he makes his want into her old pod. Instantly he is hit with smells....old smells that he could faintly recognize. He could smell sweat which was gross probably from when Spruce was working out,he could smell books he once caught Clay reading in secret and he promised he wouldn't tell anyone and he never did. He could also just barely make out Grandma's old fluffleberry cake smell. Everything else he couldn't put a name too but he knows 2 of them were Floyd's and John Dory's he just couldn't tell who was who.

Looking around everything was exactly how he left it before the great escape. He made sure to at least clean up her pod before he left just becuase he needed something to do when he wasn't working on his bunker plans. Walking around he spots them,brozone merchandise some posters and records mostly, grandma always did support them even if she wished John wasn't so hard on his younger brothers.

Taking a record he looks at it fondly, maybe one song wouldn't hurt right? Contemplating it he puts in the record player that still worked and soon the song played and it felt like he was there again....back to the night it all went wrong. He thinks about his brothers,would they even recognize him? How would they even react to his new body?

He doesn't know how long he was there staring at that album record but the next thing he knows is Poppy is talking to him. "Uhm Branch?" She asks him curiously quickly he sets the album beside the record player while he stops the record player from playing anymore music,he didn't want to hear anymore.

"Oh um hi Poppy" He says trying to smile but it's forced and it very much hurts his face to do so. "Are you alright? It looks like your smiling and crying at the same time it kind of looks like it's hurting your face" She points out. "Yeah it does hurt my face" Deciding that it's no use he stops smiling,no point in smiling she could easily tell something was bothering him.

"I guess I'm just missing my uhm grandma, I was just listening to some of her old records" He says fondly as he puts up the old record. Poppy takes a look at the album and gasps "Brozone! No way I love Brozone!" She says excited her tail wagging like it loves to do.

"Really?" He asks excited with his own tail wagging a bit before he stops it "I mean really

?" He didn't meant to sound excited but finding out that your girlfriend loves the boyband you were part of does one excited even if he would like to put that behind him.

"I didn't know you liked them too" She tells him as she throws him the old record to which he scrambles to catch but thankfully he does. "I don't I'm actually hate listening it's a new thing. My grandma had very questionable tastes just look at how she decorated this place" He gestures around the old pod. "I'm sorry but there's just some stuff that shouldn't be macramed,am I right?" He asks before he goes to put away the record. He really didn't want to look at it anymore and bring up more memories.

Poppy looks at her Boyfriend she could tell something was bothering him,if his tail flicking back and forth was also an indicator along with the way he was talking. "Uhm kind of seems like there's something your not telling me" She says looking athim curious but also a bit worried. She knows Branch often keeps things to himself but they were a couple and couples share stuff. She won't force him but she can try to coax him into telling her later on.

"What? Don't be silly,no" He says with a fake grin trying to wave her off he really didn't want to talk about his brothers at all. "Hey I need you to be real with me" She tells him gently taking his paws into hers. "It seems more than a macrama issue,if your having feelings you can talk about them" She gently coaxes him.

He looks at her and really thinks about it,she has been there for him throughout so much and he has been there for her for so much from becoming friends with the bergens to the world tour to the transformation he knows Poppy will listen. "Ok....your right" He says he wants to say it he keeps trying but nothing would come out. Mentally he sighs maybe he can tell her after the whole wedding thing was over.

Speaking of weddings "Oh hey look at the time we're gonna be late to the royal wedding! Let's go get married " He redirects the conversation and grabs Poppy's Paw and begins to head out. "Wha Branch!?" Poppy exclaims very confused at what Branch said. "Huh oh I meant let's go get Brudget and Gristle married" Branch says trying to correct his mistake although....he wouldn't mind marrying Poppy but nows not the time to be thinking about that.

"Oh yeah becuase it would be weird if we got married" Poppy jokes and Branch agrees with her though the atmosphere was very awkward. The two transformed trolls head out of the old pod and begin to sing.

*Timeskip past the song cause there's no way in hell I'm writing that*

Soon every bergen and troll are there to celebrate. Bridget who is in a wedding dress covered in balloons floats down happy as she can be as King Gristle watches in awe at his beautiful soon to be wife.

Poppy jumps onto Bridget's shoulder as she looks at Bridget's beautiful dress in awe. "Oh my gosh Bridget you look so adorable!" Poppy gushes. "Thank you so much for being my maid of honor Poppy you really have no idea how much this means to me. I couldnt have done this without you" Bridget says with a smile.

"Oh of course Bridget I love you like a sister,probably. I don't have a sister,so I wouldn't know,which is fine. It's something I'm coming to terms with slowly" Poppy says beginning to ramble. "Uh Poppy can we uhm unpack the sister thing after the vows?" Brudget asks interrupting her rambling.

"Ah yeah no of course,you go get em girl! Before I do!" Poppy says grinning before using one of her claws to pop the balloons on the dress releasing a bunch of glitter. "Like a beautiful angel sent from heaven" King Gristle gushes as he looks at his soon to be wife.

Bridget begins to skate her way up the isle as Poppy and Branch watch together happy as they could be with their tails entertwined. Bridget walks up the stairs to King Gristle and he happily takes her hand as they look into eachother eyes lovingly.

"Hey Bridget you still have time to run for it" A bergen tells her to which King Gristle laughs sarcastically. "Haha very funny Aunt Smead. I'm uh so glad you could make it" He tells his aunt.

"Dear beloved we are gathered here today to celebrate the sweet sweet love of Bridget-Hey girl, and Mr.Yummy-Tummy himself, King Gristle. Now falling in love is easy,we've all done it, I've done it a hundred times,thousands even if you could that semester I spent abroad". They trail off when Branch hears something.

He isn't sure what but his ear twitches it sounds like footsteps small ones so it has to be a troll or something around the same size as a troll. Looking around he tries to pinpoint the noise when Poppy notices him looking around. "What is it Branch?" She whispers to him. "I hear something and I'm trying to find out what it is" He whispers back as he continues to search but isn't having any luck.

"Stop the wedding!" A voice yells out much to the surprise of everyone. Branch knows he has heard that voice before he just can't remember where. Everyone gasps and looks around to where the voice is coming from. They look up only to see what appears to be a troll standing on top of a antenna.

"Uh Brudget do you know this guy" Gristle asks confused. "I can't remember all my suitors Grissy" She says to him. The troll then slides down a clothes line and then jumps and hangs onto a balloon strong and then lands and that's when Branch recognizes just who that is.

"Sorry is this bad timing?" The troll asks their skin was a semi muted teal color along with their hair being a darker teal color. They were wearing a pair of goggles a brown vest with fluff at the top and shorts. Their ears were turned just a bit downward almost seemingly stuck that way. Branch gasps at seeing just who decided to show up after 20 years.

'No no why now? Why him?!' Branch mentally screams as his ears lower and his tail tucks showing how nervous and scared he was. 'Please for the love of sugar don't recognize me' He begs to whatever deity there is out there.

"I'm just trying to find a troll named....Woah Baby Branch!" The troll looks at Branch and Gasps and runs up to him with a grin Branch knows all to well. "Uh your making a mistake stranger that looks similar to me there's no Branch here" He says hoping to fool him but he can tell it doesn't work.

"Look at you, you got so big! Your not a Branch anymore your like a trunk ! Junk in the trunk!" He yells smacking Branch on his butt and ow that hurt his tail did not like that.

"I bet I can still pick you up!" He says happily as he picks up Branch even though it was obvious Branch did not like it at all. "Ooh you got heavy" the troll complains as he throws him up in the air. "Ahh there goes my back!" He complains as Branch tries to climb away only to fall on top of the unknown trolls face. "Ahhh Charly horse! Oh God two Charley horses!" He complains as Branch is still trying to get away.

It was taking everything Branch had to not unsheathe his claws right now. Even if Branch didn't want to see him again he still didn't want to claw at his face even on accident. "Hey! Stop right there, you put my boyfriend down and us who you are and what you want!" Poppy says taking charge and unconsciously begins to slightly bare her fangs to the unknown troll as a warning as her tail flicks back and forth.

The troll sets down Branch who backs away in case he gets anymore ideas of picking him up. "Hey your right totally rude of me. Didn't introduce myself, I'm Branchs brother " He explains holding out a hand with a grin .

Everyone gasps at the new information "WHAT?!" Poppy screams in shock as everyone else gasps. "Oooh drama corn me Dinkles" Tiny Diamond says always eager for some good drama as Mr Dinkles shoots out a small bucket of popcorn to which tiny happily munches on.

"Correction, used to be my brother, not anymore" Branch says turning around and crossing his arms his tail flicking in irritation.

"Hey uhm remember earlier when I said you should open up to me and be real?" Poppy asks as she looks at her boyfriend.

"Well..." Branch starts before Poppy cuts him off. "You could've started by telling me you had a secret brother!" She tells him as said brother takes a good look at his baby brother especially at his differently shaped legs and flicking tail.

"Former brother" He says correcting her. "That's not how DNA works!" She says feeling a bit frustrated at how much he wasn't telling her. "Dad did you know about this?" She asks hoping he can answer her. "Oh what would I know about secret family members" He says and Branch catches in that he knows something but isn't going to share. That's something to talk about later.

"Oh my gosh I was being so rude. I've never met anyone from Branch's family before. I'm Poppy Branch's girlfriend, should we hug,fist-bump smile and wave for now and see where the night takes us?" She says so excited to meet someone from her boyfriends family.

"All of the above" He says with a smile and a shrug. "Wait I know you. Your the guy from Brozone! We were just listening to them!" She says so excited to see a member of her favorite boyband in person! "Yeah brozone!" Cooper yells joining Poppy in on her excitement

"Oh wait wait wait wait, don't tell me. OK um well your not the heartthrob" She says trying to go through the various members. "Well that's your opinion" the troll says awkward. "The fun one? No your kind of uptight" She says. "Uptight?" The troll says surprised at being called uptight. "Hmmm not the sensitive one either" She says quickly rubbing it of band members. "Ok alot of assumptions of someone you just met thirty seconds ago" the troll says awkward.

"Oh oh I got your John Dory! " Poppy says finally figuring it who it was. "The leader" John says with a smirk. "The old one!" Poppy calls him to which Branch almost laughs and John just sighs.

"Uhm sorry to interrupt but we lose the venue at eleven so" King Gristle says to the trolls but ends up shushed by Bridget. "Shhhh I'm trying to listen to very hot gossip" She says with a grin she was always a bergen for gossip.

"So wait if your Branch's bro then that means all the other Brozone bros are Branch's bros, too! Branch! How come you never told me?" She asks him both confused and excited. "Becuase it's complicated" Branch simply states not looking at them his tail giving another irritated flick.

"Oh sweetie,it's cause you weren't in the band" She says trying to placitate him by patting his back. Heh wasn't in the band yeah right. "Oh Branch was in the band alright" John Dory says with a grin. "What?! No way! Which one was he?" Poppy asks dying to know which one her boyfriend was. "Bitty B" John answers smiling. "Bitty B?! No that's impossible Bitty B had glasses!" Poppy says unable to comprehend her boyfriend was Bitty B the litteral baby of Brozone. "Oh and a diaper" John adds.

"Aaaaaaand a falsetto made of gold. Not that anyone cared,but that's all in the past. Because they stopped being my brothers the day they walked out on me and never came back!" He says almost growling out the words as his fangs are showing and his ears are pinned back.

"Whoa whoa whoa,that's not fair Branch I did come back really. I was only gone for a month tops. I needed some time to clear my head and I would come back and I did but the thing is that when I came back nobody was there. The tree was destroyed and well I thought you were dead" John explains to him his ears drooping a little.

That surprised Branch his brother actually came back? It was only 2 weeks after their big fight and breakup that grandma got eaten and a week later they had the great escape "It wasn't until I heard about you saving the world from the rock apocalypse that I even realized you were even still alive" Jd tries to explain.

"Oh,that's so sweet he realized I was still alive 20 years too late!" He exclaims. "Hi I'm sorry he gets hangry if he skips breakfast" Poppy says getting between the two and gently pushing Branch away before something bad happens as she could tell that Branch was getting more irritated by the second as it looks like his claws were about to come out any second now.

"I had breakfast it was avocado toast with two poached eggs some cayenne for a little kick and you know what it was delightful!" Branch says taking what she said litterally. She gently pulls him off to the side "Branch what's going on with you?" She asks wonder just why was he acting this way she hasn't seen him this riled up in a while not since he was grey.

"The question we should be asking is what's going on with him!" He say pointing at Jd. "I bet you he's only here becuase he needs something" he says crossing his arms. Why else would he show up after 20 years unless he needed something. "That's not true Branch he's your brother" She tells him hoping to prove him wrong.

"Branch I'm gonna be straight with you. I need something." John dory says proving Branch correct. "And there it is" He says secretly upset about being right. "Come on man I'm trying here" Poppy tells Jd she really was trying to help him here.

"Wait wait wait hold up Branch. It's about Floyd" He tells him. His ears perk up Floyd? What was going on with Floyd? He subconsciously begins to feel around the same vest he has wore for 20 years. "What do you mean?" He asks a bit worried. "He's in danger. I hadn't heard from him since the Band broke up. Until I got a letter from him. Dear John Dory I'm being held against my will by superstars Velvet and Veneer. Come to Mount Rageous at once and bring our brothers,love Floyd" He explains.

"Wait wait so you got a letter one night from Floyd after 20 years of no contact? Doesn't that sound just a bit suspicious?" Branch asks his eyes narrowed. "I know it sounded suspicious but just in case it was real I went to Mount Rageous alone before I went looking for you guys. Besides it not like I knew where any of you were.

"I found where this Velvet and Veneer were performing that night,and there was Floyd. He was trapped in a diamond prison. And you and I both know the only thing that can shatter Diamond" Jd tells him and Branch nods the perfect family harmony. The very thing that caused them all to break up is now the very thing they need to save Floyd.

"So you came here to get the band back together and sing the perfect family harmony" Poppy says to which Jd nods. "Oh yeah so we can attempt to sing something we've only tried once and failed so miserably at that we broke up and never talked to eachother again" Branch exclaims getting annoyed at all of this.

"We are so in!" Poppy exclaims excited with her tail tumping against the ground. "What?! Uhm could you give us a second" Branch tells Jd and he moves Poppy away from hearing distance.

"Okay what are you doing?" He asks because just what was going through his girlfriends mind right now?! "This is your second chance with your brothers Branch" She explains as if it was that simple. "Its not that easy okay?? You don't get it Poppy you don't have any siblings" He says even though he thinks he might be wrong with the way King Peppy was acting.

"That's my point. Branch you are so lucky to have a brother to fight for. I mean,if I had a sister it would be so perfect. We'd be best friends,and we'd teach each other things,and we'd never fight. And we'd always have each others back and we wouldn't even have to talk cause we'd think all the same thoughts, and everyonewould ask us if we were twins and we'd laugh-" "Poppy!" Branch says stopping his girlfriend as she was getting into one of those phases.

"But...if she were ever in trouble I would do everything I could to help her, I would show up" She says smiling hoping Branch understood where she was coming from. "Okay listen if there was a brother that I might do this for-and I'm not saying there is.....it would be Floyd" He says. While he did lobe all of his brothers Floyd was definately his favorite.

"I'm not hearing no!" Poppy exclaims excited. "Yeah that works for me!" Jd exclaims having heard Poppy. "Yeah! Brozone 2.0,Brozone reunion,Brozone here we bro again,Brozone where'd they bro? I don't know we're gonna find them!" Poppy says excitedly coming up with new names and titles.

Then their ears perk up when they hesr rumbling it was loud and they can feel the ground shaking. "Hey looks like our rides here!" John exclaims as the dirt beneath him moves up like something was coming out of it and soon enough a armadillo bus pops out of the ground. "Here she is!" John explains happily as he jumps off the bus.

"Oh that's coming out of the deposit" Gristle winces at the damage. "Meet Rhonda,yall ain't she a beaut?" John asks happy to show his baby brother and his girlfriend Rhonda. Rhonda happily makes a weird roaring noise at them tail wagging. "She's uh really something" Branch says not really knowing how to react.

His instincts are telling him to run away from the big armadillo bus but he is staying right here he isn't going to run. Rhonda happily licks Poppy covering her in glitter. "I think she likes me?" Poppy questions as her instincts were telling her the same thing.

"Yeah she does,or she's marking you as prey,you can never quite tell with Rhonda" Jd laughs as he heads inside. "Uh guys I'd you don't mind I really cannot wait another minute to marry the gorgeous specimen" Gristle says lovingly holding Bridget's hands and giving them a kiss. "I now pronounce you husband and wife" the bergen says and Bridget happily jumps on Gristle and begins to smother him in kisses as the bergens cheer.

The two trolls watch on happy for the now married couple. "Okay all aboard who's going aboard." John says hopping inside Rhonda. "Bye everybody! We're getting the band back together!"

Poppy tells the snack pack along with Prince D and Peppy who bid them farewells.

"Have an awesome honeymoon!" Poppy tells Bridget with a wave. "Thanks Poppy" Bridget says thanking her troll best friend before resuming kissing her husband.

"I love you guys!" She yells out one last thing before they take off inside the armadillo bus.

For anyone curious here are everyone's ages and my timeline for this series

Brozone break up

Branch:3

Floyd:13

Clay:14

Spruce:15

Jd:17

Great escape

Still the same

Timeskip to the movie

Branch:23

Floyd:33

Clay:34

Bruce:35

Jd:37

#trolls #trolls band together #branch #trolls 3 #broppy #poppy #return to origin #john dory #jd

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hayleysstark · 3 years

Text

gift

words: 1166 warnings: none summary: "It's just a little something from all of us."

Read on AO3.

Grandma wasn't even gone a year when Branch lost his Hug-Time bracelet.

In the panicked rush through the dark dirt tunnels, with a hundred trolls ahead of him and a hundred more trolls at his heels, all so much faster than him, all so much bigger than him, it was too easy to stumble, to trip and fall into the cold, wet mud under his feet.

When he tried to scramble back up (because even at four years old, he knew if he didn't run, no one would come back for him, he knew if he didn't run, he would get left behind, he knew he had no one left to even realize he was gone) his wrist held him back, his wrist pulled him to a sharp stop, and even at four years old, he knew it was his life or his bracelet, and even at four years old, he knew what he had to do.

He flicked the latch and he left the thin blue band far behind, in the mud and muck and mire, and he rushed on, deeper and deeper into the dark tunnel.

It was the last piece of his grandma that he had left. It was the last piece of his parents he had left, woven—as all Hug-Time bracelets were—with the soft, colorful hair of every troll in the family.

And he threw it away.

Like it meant nothing.

He felt so naked, so wrong, without it, staring down at his bony grey child-wrist, bare skin where a bracelet should be, and he dropped his head down in his hands, tiny fingers fisting and tangling in his own rough black hair, and he cried so hard he couldn't breathe, because he threw it away, and how could he do that, how could he be so careless, how could he be so stupid, how could he have ever looked at the only thing left in this world that Grandma had given him, that Mom and Dad had given him, and thrown it away?

It's too late to be sorry about it—there's no point in being sorry about it, because being sorry about it isn't going to get it back—but it was the last piece of his family he had left, and he's so sorry he lost it.

He thinks about that bracelet a lot around this time of year.

When the chime rings out all over town, loud and bright as a bell through the dark, snow-dusted streets, carried on the wind into the small, warm pods swinging lightly back and forth in their trees, he stands on the edge of the village, on the edge of everything (on the edge of the whole world) and he stares out at the glittering golden lights, at the tree, at the candy-red ribbons and shiny green bows, at everyone safe at home with their family, and he thinks about the thin blue band left behind in the mud and muck and mire of the dark tunnel, long gone now, washed away with all the rain and snow of the twenty years since.

He looks down at his wrist, bare blue skin where a bracelet should be, and his chest aches.

But it's too late to be sorry.

Being sorry isn't going to get it back.

That's where he is, on the night before Christmas—on the edge of town, on the edge of everything, on the edge of the whole world, staring out at the lights, at the tree, at the ribbons and bows—and it takes him too long to push himself on, down into the village and up into Poppy's warm pod, swinging lightly back and forth in its tree.

The night has come to a quiet close, and the Pack is spread all around the room—Satin, Chenille, and Smidge are on the sofa with him, while Cooper and DJ Suki sprawl on the floor, with Guy Diamond and Biggie settled cozily in bright purple armchairs with blankets and cups of cocoa—when Poppy hands Branch a box wrapped in bright red paper.

The whole Pack looks around at him.

"Um," Branch takes it from her. It's small enough that he can hold it easily in his palm. "What is this? We already gave each other our gifts." He's almost certain that it's no different than it was twenty years back, but— "We're not doing a—a second round, or something, right?"

Poppy laughs. "No! No, no, don't worry, my man, this is just—uh—" she bites her lip and glances around at her friends, who are slowly edging nearer to the sofa, "—this is—"

"Special!" Satin tosses him jazz hands.

"An extra!" Smidge reaches up to punch him on the shoulder.

"A little something from all of us," Biggie beams.

"A sandwich," DJ Suki says.

"No, it's a glowbug," Guy jumps in with a bright grin.

"It's a paper crown," Chenille smirks.

That last one startles a small laugh out of his mouth, and he finally peels off the paper to find a simple white box inside—he thinks it just might be the plainest thing he's ever seen from the Snack Pack.

He pulls off the lid.

It's a bracelet.

It's a Hug-Time bracelet.

He can count all the colors braided into it at a glance—light purple and blue-green and off-white and sparkling silver and deep orange and bright pink, and it's—

Oh.

It's the Pack's hair.

Branch drops the box.

He doesn't mean to—it's just that his hands are shaking and his breath is coming too fast, sharp and shallow, and he scrambles off the sofa and goes down to his knees to pick it back up again, but it takes his trembling fingers too long to finally close around the box, and he opens his mouth, and he doesn't know what he's going to say, but it doesn't matter because all that will come out is a soft, strangled noise.

And, all of a sudden, out of the blue, a swell of hot tears burns his eyes and spills down his face.

Everybody jumps up like they're on fire.

"Oh, my god!" Smidge says.

"Oh, no, no!" Poppy shakes her head wildly side to side. "Oh, no, Branch, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it's okay, it's fine, just forget it—"

"—not a big deal, Branch, not a big deal at all—"

"—don't gotta keep it, don't feel like you gotta keep it—"

Branch doesn't know he's going to stand up until he's on his feet with the box still clutched in his hand and the tears still pouring down his cheeks, damp sticky trails all down his face.

He doesn't know he's going to hug them until he does, until he's thrown his arms open, until he's half-buried in the heap, and he's still there when the familiar chime rings out, loud and bright as a bell, from the bands on everybody else's wrists and the box in his hands.

#trolls #dreamworks trolls #trolls fanfiction #trolls fic #emrys' spellbook

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iknownothingihearnothing · 5 years

Text

Game of Thrones 8.4 “The Last of the Starks”

I. Am. MAD.

This...this week’s offering right here is an example of an episode I loved and loathed in equal measure. There were lovely moments of--

And then...then there were even more ones of--

Y’all know what I’m talking about. From Brienne’s heartbroken face to that motherfucking Northern stubbornness, to Missandei’s capture and death, to Jon still not knowing enough (he’s so naive), to Euron shooting poor Rhaegal out of the sky, to JON BEING A HORRIBLE WOLF-DADDY!

He just ABANDONED Ghost! Without even a pat goodbye! Even if he had to leave him, he could’ve at least spared a frigging goodbye. Yeah yeah budget blah blah. You couldn’t get an actual big, white, fluffy dog for the few seconds needed for Jon Snow to bid his wolfy buddy who RISKED HIS LIFE for him a proper farewell?!

I pet my dog and call him a good boy when he gets the ball and goes poop outside. You couldn’t spare more than a “laters, brah” nod to your poor puppy?!

LOOK HOW SAD HE IS!

I want to hug him and kiss him and snuggle him and tell him he’s the goodest boi in the North. Pawning him off to Tormund to live Beyond the Not Wall where he knows no one, what’s the matter with you, Jogon of House Snowaryen?!

Dany may be leaning a biiiiiit too far into her House Targaryen roots but at least she is a dedicated pet owner. We know she loves her...scale...babies? They have spines, right? Spine babies? Fire babies.

Ugh, let’s get into this week’s slice of sadness.

The episode opens with a massive funeral for those that died in the Battle of Winterfell. Including Jorah, Lyanna, Theon, Mr. Edd, and Beric, who is now definitely out of lives.

Dany, crying, leans over Jorah’s prone body, kisses his forehead, and whispers something we’ll never know into his ear.

At least, we’ll never know unless either Emilia or Iain decide to spill the deets. Iain Glen said in a post-ep interview with Entertainment Weekly that it was “something definitely profound”. But who knows, he could be bullshitting us and she actually said “I like muffins” or something and he had to lay there pretending to be dead.

On second thought, she’s English. So perhaps she prefers crumpets.

Sansa is sniffling over Theon’s body and places a House Stark pin in his shirt. Jon is looking out at this sea of corpses like--

There is no more Ol’ Nighty to bring them back.

Or so we’re led to believe.

The camera pans across the mourners and we catch a glimpse of our favorite furry friend.

He’s such a good, loyal doggo. Wolfo? Direwolfo.

Oh Jon I am so MAD AT YOU!

Saving my rage for a bit further down. Barely.

Jon gives a farewell speech about all their dead--they defended the realms of men, no one will ever see their like again, etc. etc.--and then some of the mourners who knew the dead best are given flaming branches in order to set the bodies alight. In the North, they burn their dead. I guess cus the ground is forever frozen and one day someone from House Whyrevr said fuck it and lit his dead grandma on fire.

Afterwards, they have a joint funeral/”glad we’re alive” party because of course they do. Kinda reminiscent of our shiva except people are sitting on chairs. At the head table, Jon is looking awkwardly at Dany--apparently, that whole “we’re technically related and oh you have a better claim to the throne than me” stuff has lingered beyond fighting for their lives. Damn. Not even surviving Team Undead’s invasion could get them out of that business.

Elsewhere, Gendry asks the Hound if he’s seen Arya. Does Robert’s bastard have a wee more on his mind than all the death? Like, say, his wee-wee?

Some things never change, no matter what century it is.

Gendry tries to stutter that it’s not about that but the Hound knows it is. Gendry’s alive and the dead are not. Might as well take ASS-vantage of it.

Eh? Eh?

Srsly, this is like the worst party in the history of Westeros. Uh, aside from the Red Wedding (but not the Purple one, #ByeJoflecia). They just buried burnt a heap of their dead, two of their hosts are keeping a huge secret from everyone (and being super weird around each other because of it), and Dany’s endlessly fighting against that frigging Northern hardheadedness. It’s not GREAT, Bob.

Speaking of that famous Northern jackassery, Dany sees an opportunity to crack that stubborn ice as Gendry crosses the party hall. Calling him over, she at first inquires about his parentage, asks him if he knows that Robert Baratheon kinda had her whole family killed and wanted to slaughter her as an infant. Gendry’s like “Whoa, did not know that he was my daddy until after he was dead” and Dany’s all “Yep he dead and so are Renly and Stannis so who’s Lord of Storm’s End?” and no one knows.

This is Dany’s chance to make good.

Not only did Gendry survive the battle, he got laid and made a lord!

You go, Glenn Coco, Gendry Baratheon, Lord of Storm’s End!

Ser Davos, the onion knight (lol) leads the room in a toast to Gendry, the newest Lord on the block.

Don’t be fooled cus he’s now a Lord, he’s still he’s still Gendry from the Forge.

Tyrion remarks that now Gendry will forever be loyal to her and Dany says that he is not the only one that is clever.

Sansa, hearing this, looks at her like bats just sprouted from her head and flew out her ears while her eyes turned red as she chuckled evilly.

Oh, come on! This is what people in powerful positions on the show do. That’s how they secure allies without, you know, marrying their allies. You want someone’s loyalty, do something for them. Dany’s not the first one to try that. And it’s not like she had Drogon Dracarys the hell out of one of Gendry’s enemies to secure that loyalty. She made him a damn Lord.

The Starks are annoying me this season. Except when Arya laid the smacketh down on Ol’ Nighty.

In another corner, Jaime and Brienne are celebrating by gettin’ crunk. She offers a halfassed excuse but Jaime’s all “Dude, we defeated a horde of zombies. Drink up!” and she does, giving him this look:

Bow chicka wowowwwwwwwwwwwwww chicka chicka boom.

Not that I can blame her. Aside from all that incestin’, Jaime’s a fine slice of Kingslayer pie.

Ser Davos of House Onion and Tyrion are talking about Melisandre, who last episode took off her necklace and aged into evaporation. Davos tells Tyrion that he swore to Melisandre he would kill her next time he saw her but he never got the chance, as she did it to herself. Or the Lord of Light took her. Or whatever. They don’t like him much. They fight his war and then he fucks off.

Tyrion crosses the room to BranBot, who is reading in his wheelchair, which Tyrion calls a clever invention. I keep forgetting that wheelchairs aren’t really a thing in Westeros.

BranBot, as animated as he’s programmed to be, delights in telling Tyrion that it is reminiscent of the one Daeron Targaryen made for his nephew over a hundred years ago. Just your regular episodic reminder that BranBot is...BranBot.

Tyrion says BranBot’s BranVision will come in handy as the Lord of Winterfell, which he technically is as Ned Stark’s last surviving “trueborn” son. But BranBot doesn’t want it. BranBot doesn’t really want anything or anyone. He totally just doesn’t care, man.

Tyrion envies BranBot’s ability to not give a shit and and BranBot tells him not to because--

Yes, yes. You’re an “old soul”, BranBot. BranBot calls himself a grandpa in a teenager’s body. He forgets what generation he is and refers to people his own age as “you youngins”. He constantly crows that he is a “proud introvert” who’d rather be reading. We KNOW, BranBot!

Tormund leads a toast (with his awesome tusk cup) to the Dragon Queen and everyone cheers so maybe Dany’s making headway. She herself turns her own toast to Arya, the hero of the Battle of Winterfell.

Jaime, Brienne, Tyrion, and Pod are playing a Westerosi version of Never Have I Ever with wine and Tormund, a bit drunk off his red ass, is going on and on about how awesome Jon is. Meanwhile, Dany is listening and though she toasts him she knows that she will always be an outsider to these people and they fucking love Jon.

Also, this happened:

“May I have your name?”

“Daenerys Stormborn, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Mother of Dragons.”

“Okay, that’s Daniellris Shoehorn, the Sunburnt, Keen of Mean Girls, Bean of the Sandals and the Thirsty Hen, Call Sweetie of the Eight Assed Bee, Brother of Wagons. Is that correct?”

“Ugh. Just write Dany.”

“Okay, Fannie.”

The PTB at HBO have since digitally removed The Cup from the episode but wah bro I think they should have kept it in. That’s hilarious. I want to live in a world where Starbucks exists on Game of Thrones. And it survived the battle. Of course House Styrbycks is right around the corner from Winterfell, conveniently situated at the heart of the town square.

And you better believe there’s a ride-thru for the horseman on the go.

I enjoy how HBO came out with a statement that Dany ordered herbal tea. I can see Dany ordering herbal tea.

In warmer climes, though, she’s definitely a dragon fruit smoothie girl.

Aside: Liam Cunningham recently went on Conan and gifted him The Cup:

He swore it was the actual cup. How is that even possible?! Wouldn’t someone have tossed it after all this time? And the fact that it was still around had to signal to someone on set that a) trolol a person in Consistency fucked up and at least one dude on GoT knew it before the ep aired and b) that Emilia’s discarded latte appearing in a scene would be gold.

I want to believe it’s legit. I want to believe so hard that it’s the real Cup and that all these circumstances came together to land the Cup in Liam’s hand all this time later. I want to, and so I shall.

(Yes, I know it is not the real Cup but shh I want to BELIEVE!)

So, Dany is watching everyone have fun and be close with each other, especially how everyone seems to love Jon here, and she’s feeling even more like an outsider (and not a bit insecure about her claim to the throne) and she gets up and leaves. Varys starts to follow her with his watchful Varys eyes.

Jaime, Brienne, Podrick, and Tyrion are still playing their game and getting increasingly drunker doing so. Drunker and more giggly. Everything’s all well and good until Tyrion suddenly sits up, looks Brienne in the eye, and accuses her of being a--dun dun dun--virgin. Pod nonchalantly sips his wine.

Brienne clambers out of her seat and mutters that she has to piss. Tormund, also drunk as a skunk, stumbles to their table, celebrating, and asks--

Well? Who did shit in Tormund’s pants?!

It’s kinda awks because Tormund is into Brienne but Brienne has feelings for Jaime and when did GoT become a teen soap opera? It’s like The North 00000 up in here.

Tyrion pours more wine into Tormund’s tusk as Jaime follows Brienne out.

Dramz. Will they? Won’t they? Stay tuned next week!

No, they totally will right now.

But first, Tormund is going to bitch.

I was cheering for Tormund to win his Big Woman, I really was. But then Jaime showed up and their chemistry just...reignited.

Tormund expresses sadness until a Northern lady volunteers to take up his time. The Hound continues to drown his sorrows--tho idk what he’s sad about, he’s alive--ignoring even the prospect of sexytimes until Sansa, finally able to make eye contact with the Hound, shares his table. It was a long time ago when she couldn’t even look at him, back when she was just a little bird. But now she’s a dark phoenix (see what I did there? Because Sophie Turner is starring in Dark Phoenix!) risen from the ashes, having had her revenge against her latest torturer/husband, Ramsay Bolton via his own hounds.

None of if would’ve happened if Sansa had left K.L. with the Hound way back when. But Sansa gently squeezes his hand and says that without Ramsay, Littlefinger, and all those assholes, she’d still be that same naive little bird.

Anyone else get the vibe that David and D.B. are kinda...trying to justify what Ramsay did to Sansa here? Just an itty bit? All that’s missing is Sansa belting out Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter”.

Outside, Arya is practicing her archery skillz when Gendry, the new Lord of Storm’s End, is imbued with way too much enthusiasm after being dubbed by Dany and legit blurts out a proposal to his one night stand right then and there.

Ugh. I can’t wait until my shitty copy of Phhotoshop arrives. Until then I have to use paint shop. Look at those corners! They are making me itch.

Anyway, Arya obvs rejects Gendry’s proposal and it’s d’awww. Gendry is like that guy you hook up with once because he’s hot and afterwards, he won’t stop calling you and texting you and trying to add you as a Facebook friend and messaging you on Twitter suggesting that you fly to Michigan to meet his parents for Thanksgiving. This is something I know nothing about.

Ah, now we’ve circled back to the Jaime and Brienne Show!

That’s if he’s not still obsessed with his siiiiiiiiissssterrrr (she’s a psycho!)

Brienne’s throwing more wood onto yet another hearth (there are a lot of hearths in Winterfell) when Jaime knocks on her door and unceremoniously proclaims that she did not drink when Tyrion accused her of being a V to the gin. He pours her some Dornish red and mutters about it being hot in here; Brienne has learned in the North to always keep a fire going. Jaime has learned in the North that he hates the fucking North. Brienne counters that it grew on her.

Jaime wonders if Tormund Giantsbane also grew on her. He seemed quite sad when she left.

He wants the V-card and the V.

Jaime chuckles awkwardly and begins to pull at the collar of his shirt because “it’s bloody hot in here”. Brienne watches him warily for a second until she gets annoyed and unties the garment herself.

You see where this is going.

First time for Jaime, too. He’s never slept with a knight before.

Has he ever slept with anyone who isn’t his sister before?

Shows how much he cares about Brienne. Letting someone in who isn’t Cersei. That’s a good, non-incestuous step forward, Jaime.

It’s a big moment for Brienne, too, aside from the obvious. She’s had a thing for Jaime for years. This is like that guy you’ve been secretly pining for suddenly realizing he’s totally into it.

In the next scene, Dany confronts a “slightly drunk” Jon, who did not know Ser Jorah very well, but he is pretty sure that if he would’ve chosen a way to die, it would have been protecting Dany. Dany knows Jorah loved her, but she couldn’t love him back--not the way he deserved, not the way she loves Jon.

They kiss and it’s like before Jon ever found out he’s also Aegon until--

“Does Westeros have any support groups for this? Maybe I should ask Ser Jaime.”

Jon wishes that Dany had never told them that they were related and I’m sitting here like--

He would’ve figured it out sooner or later, right? I mean, if he knew he was half Targaryen and all and Rhaegar was his daddy. I understand math is hard but...

Dany tries to forget and sometimes almost succeeds until tonight when she saw all those people gathered around him, looking at him like I’m The Hero! People have looked at her like that before, lots of people, but not here, not on this side of the Narrow Sea. She begs him not to tell anyone of his Targaryen lineage, to swear Samwell and BranBot to secrecy, so that things could go back to how they were before between them.

But Jon must tell Sansa and Arya because family and nobility and Starkism and all that. And we all know Sansa no likey Dany, despite the fact that HER ARMIES SAVED YOUR NORTHERN ASS.

She begs him some more and he promises that she is his Queen and they can all live together. And they can, if Jon keeps his trap shut.

In Brienne’s quarters, if the animal pelts are a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!

Warm enough in there now, Brienne?

In the War Room--damn, don’t we all aspire to have a War Room?--our favorites are gathered around the Great Table or whatever with a map of Westeros in the center and some old timey Checkers pieces standing in for the two sides’ respective armies. Obvs, the Battle of Winterfell has depleted Dany and Jon’s forces greatly, but they still have enough to wage hell on Cersei. Yara has taken back the Iron Islands in her name, and the Prince of Dorne pledges his support. Still, Cersei has the Golden Company led by Guyliner Greyjoy and the Lannister Army fresh and ready to fight.

Dany is not appeased. No matter how many noble people declare their fealty to her, while Cersei still sits on the Iron Throne, she can still call herself Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.

Jon, Tyrion, and Varys reassure her with talk of dragons and the people of K.L. having rebelled against their King before. Sansa adds that she wants to give the armies time to recuperate, which is also--

--since they just fought Team Undead and all. But Dany wants to hit up K.L. NOW NOW NOW because the longer they wait, the stronger her enemies become. Or something.

Someone’s starting to lean a wee too far into her Targ roots. It’s just common sense, Dany. Take a chill pill.

But Jon sticks up for his GF. Very sternly, he swears the North will honor its commitments and allegiance to the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and blah blah blah.

Dany appears smug.

Silently, Arya and Sansa trade glances like--

Tyrion narrates that Jon will lead the remaining forces up the Kingsroad while a smaller group of them will take a fleet to Dragonstone while the Queen will follow on...dragonback.

Jaime will remain at Winterfell as a guest.

The camera ticks to Brienne’s expression at the mention of her former crush and new lovah’s name:

She’s trying to outwardly remain passive, but inside--

She’s getting laid and she’s not dead. Those are good times in Westeros.

Dany completes the conference and Arya demands a word with Jon. Outside, Jon is like “We’d all be DEAD if not for her” which is again DUH and Sansa snides “Arya’s the one that killed the Night King”. Arya wouldn’t have had the chance to kill the Night King without Dany’s armies because they’d all be DEAD. Seven Hells, you people are ridiculous. “We don’t trust her, ShE’s nOt OnE oF Us.” That is an absurd reason not to trust someone. I’m from New Jersey. It’d be like me about to be murdered and refusing help from someone because they’re from Florida. Don’t trust her because of her personality not because of where she is from.

And then, like a naive idiot, Jon actually thinks because he swore them to secrecy, Sansa and Arya will for sure totally keep his true lineage behind zipped lips.

This here was one of the scenes that made me roll my eyes so hard, they almost got stuck.

From that, thankfully, GoT moves on to one of my favorite scenes of the episode. Jaime and Tyrion sitting there over drinks gossiping like yentas. Jaime’s giving his younger brother all the deets vis-a-vis his liaison with Brienne. When Tyrion doesn’t say anything snide, Jaime is visibly uncomfortable, and Tyrion claims he’s happy Jaime is happy.

And--

Tyrion has been waiting for ages to make tall person jokes.

He also wants to know what she’s like “down there”. Jaime calls him a dog.

But then Bronn shows up, finally after Creepy Qyburn hired him to kill Cersei’s “traitorous brothers”, a bit drunk off his ass, brandishing that crossbow. After he smacks Tyrion in the nose, he tells them that Cersei offered him Riverrun, but he knows the Queen is fucked after seeing Dany’s dragons, even with their depleted forces. And Cersei can’t pay up if she’s dead, so...

So Tyrion counters the offer. Highgarden for Riverrun. Bronn would be made Lord of the Reach. It’s certainly open now that House Tyrell has been decimated (RIP Olenna, you ultimate badass). Jaime blanches. How could Tyrion just give him Highgarden? Well hell, it’s better than being dead.

Jaime doesn’t think Bronn will seriously kill them. Jaime is wrong.

Jaime scoffs Highgarden will never belong to a cuttrhoat but Bronn laughs pish-posh. Isn’t that how all the great Houses started? Kill a few hundred, they make you a Lord. Kill a few thousand, they make you a King?

Tyrion gives Bronn-y his word he’l give him Highgarden as long as they take King’s Landing. Bronn opts out of leading the fight, but wishes the brothers luck with a casual “Don’t die”.

The Hound yells “FFS!” when he meets up with Arya on the Kingsroad. Yep, they’re both goin’ Kings Landing way. Nope, Arya doesn’t really care to hang around, even if she is the hero after knifing that horned fucker. Yes, she probably will abandon the Hound again if he gets hurt.

They both have “unfinished business”. Arya to scratch Cersei off her infamous Kill List. The Hound, presumably, to finally fulfill our fantasy of Clegane Bowl!

Elsewhere, Dany is getting ready to leave the fucking frozen North, petting her dragons. And on this show, that is not a euphemism. One of them, presumably Rhaegal, takes flight.

While Drogon remains with her, that mama’s boy.

On the bridge, Sansa is watching Drogon and Rhaegal lift off, trying to shoot them down with her eyes.

Before he leaves, Tyrion tries to convince her one more time that Daenerys is it, or at least a way better option than Cersei, and he believes in her, her people love her, Jon loves her, etc, and he’d totes appreciate it if they were at least allies, and he turns to leave as the camera pans close on Sansa’s face; she calls him back to spilleth the beans..eth.

Did I win?

As Jon is loading up his Horshon Wagon, Tormund jokes that he’s not riding the dragon down south. Jon laughs that Rhaegal needs a break; he doesn’t need Jon weighing him down.

Tormund says that he has had enough of “the south” and plans to take the Free Folk back Beyond the Not Wall through Castle Black. It’s not home, not where they belong. Or, suddenly, where Ghost belongs either after EIGHT YEARS.

Yeah, this is where I RAGE.

Jon insists the North is no place for a direwolf and asks Tormund to take Ghost with him back Beyond the Not Wall, where he knows no one, will be lonely, and have to contend with even colder weather than what he’s used to. Tormund tells Jon that he has the “real” North running through his veins and “maybe” they’ll meet again before he departs and Jon goes to HUG EVERYONE.

ALMOST.

RAGE! RAGE AGAINST THE JONCHINE!

I know, I know working with the CGI wolves is ExPeNsIvE, blah blah. I DON’T CARE. There are dragons that spit actual fire on this show. Y’all couldn’t substitute a real big, white, fluffy doggie so Jon could bid his furry friend a real goodbye?! This was the saddest scene in GoT history. Forget Ned’s beheading or even the Red Wedding. This right here is inhuman.

The episode’s director, David Nutter, tried to defend himself, weakly, by insisting he thought this way was more powerful. He obviously does not own dogs. Or any pets of any kind. He did not anticipate how much we all love our furry friends. As soon as the episode aired, Twitter lit up with #GhostDeservedBetter. Poor Ghostie. He lost an ear for you! You’re leaving forever. I snuggle my dogs when I just leave to go to the bathroom. I shall honor Ghost here, First of His Name, Protector of the Realms of Men, the One Eared and the White Furred, Warden of the North. Or at least Warden of the Woof.

I had to watch this portion a few times to get the right screenshots so now I must go snuggle my own doggies. And tell them they are my own little direwoofies and I will never ever leave them. Especially for King’s Landing.

Jon “I’m the worst Wolf Daddy in Westeros” Snow rides off and Sam, Gilly, Tormund, and Ghost watch him go, even after his owner slighted him, because he is the goodest boi on the continent.

On the way to Dragonstone, Tyrion has immediately spilled to Varys because let’s be honest: Jon’s true parentage was always going to stay a secret for about, meh, an hour? And now eight people know--Jon, Dany, Sansa, Arya, Tyrion, Varys, Sam, and BranBot. Which makes it less a secret and more info. If the internetz had existed back then, the whole of Twitter would’ve known within fifteen minutes. #JongonSnowgaryen would trend worldwide. Westeroswide?

I need to start following The_Mastr.

People like Jon. They follow Jon (even tho he’s a terrible pet owner). If this were to get out, Dany would lose the North--Winterfell and the Vale. Sansa would see to that.

Tyrion suggests marrying them and they could rule together. They love each other, but Varys ain’t so sure Jon could ever see beyond that whole “she’s his aunt” thing. And Dany doesn’t like to have her authority questioned. Then Tyrion cheerfully suggests that Cersei could end up killing them all anyway and that would solve their problems.

And then Guyliner Greyjoy comes out of nowhere and motherfucking shoots down Rhaegal!

I literally gasped “NOOOOOOOOO!” out loud when this happened. My animal-loving heart can only take so much, Game of Thrones. There’s a fan theory that technically we didn’t see Rhaegal die and two somethings appeared in the sky in the trailer for the next episode so he could come back with a vengeance. Please come back with a vengeance, Rhaegal.

Dany is furious that Captain Maybelline shot her baby and orders Drogon to make a beeline for him. But afraid for her other baby’s life, she turns at the last minute. Euron, annoyed that he only took down one dragon, instead aims for the boat carrying Team Daenerys, which explodes under the force of multiple scorpion arrows.

All of them swim to shore--all of them, except one. Just before the arrows flew, Grey Worm ordered Missandei to seek refuge on the skiff, and, when we shift to the castle gates, we see Cersei presiding over thousands of innocents who will be caught in the crossfire of war between her and Dany, her child (which she tells Captain Maybellne is his), and a captured Missandei.

In the War Room at Dragonstone--every Great House has a War Room, it seems--our merry band is presiding over a map of King’s Landing where Varys looks Dany in the eye and begs her not to attack the castle. They have Missandei, they killed Rhaegal, yes, but thousands of innocents are held inside the Red Keep, which is Cersei’s modus operandi. Varys pleads with her not to destroy the city she came to save but Dany believes she has a destiny to rid the world of tyrants, and she will fulfill it, no matter the cost.

That sounds vaguely culty, Dany. It wasn’t that long ago you were doing all you could to avoid a battle inside King’s Landing, cus you didn’t wanna destroy the city and the people you were gonna rule over. What happened? Don’t go all Aerys on us.

Tyrion suggests offering Cersei her life in exchange for the throne to avoid carnage. Dany knows Cersei will never go for it, but it’s good for PR, anyway. The people will know that Daenerys Stormborn tried to avoid bloodshed, and Cersei Lannister refused.

Take it back a few, Dany. Just a few, mkay?

At the hearth--there is always a hearth chat going on, and Dragonstone is no exception--Tyrion and Varys are having A Talk. Varys has served many tyrants, and they all talk about destiny and stuff. But, Tyrion negates, Dany has walked through fire and made dragons and lived, maybe she really is destined to rule the Seven Kingdoms.

Varys considers How To Solve A Problem Like Jon Snow. Who may not be a problem so much as a solution. Who would make a better ruler, Jon or Dany? Varys knows Jon doesn’t wanna rule, which is partly why he bent the knee, but maybe a good ruler would be someone who doesn’t want to rule at all.

And Jon’s a dude, which, in ye olden times, was important. Also why he’s got a tighter claim to the throne than Dany does. They’re talking treason right now. Tyrion accuses Varys of abandoning all of the kings he served under. Varys reaffirms that he will always serve what’s best for the realm and the people, thousands of whom will die if the wrong person sits on the throne.

Tyrion asks what happens to Dany and Varys gives him a look like “What do you think?”

At Winterfell, the Northerners are rebuilding while Sansa and Brienne are being all secret-like, talking in whispers and glancing at Jaime. He follows them, having the creeping sensation that they’re talking about something that pertains to him. When he asks what’s up, Brienne tells him that they just got word of Guyliner Greyjoy’s ambush on Dany’s ships, Rhaegal’s death, and Missandei’s capture.

And another for Jaime Reacting to Bad News screenshots:

BUT what exactly is he reacting to? That Cersei is going to die or that he isn’t going to do it himself?

That night, Jaime is watching Brienne sleep, then creeps outside to pack up his mighty steed to head back to the capital. Too bad Brienne wakes up and catches him. The city is going to be destroyed, they all know this. And Jaime doesn’t have to die alongside Cersei.

Jaime doesn’t think he’s a good man. He pushed a boy out of a window and crippled him for life (which led to him becoming BranBot) for Cersei. He strangled his cousin to get back to Cersei. He would’ve killed every man, woman, and child in Riverrun to get back to Cersei. She’s a monster. And so is Jaime.

And then he leaves and Brienne is heartsick and her POOR FACE.

THIS EPISODE IS KILLING ME.

But--and I know a lot of other people think this, too--after I wrung my hands a bit, I thought about this moment. I think Jaime’s going back to K.L. to off Cersei himself, leaving Brienne to believe he left because he thinks he doesn’t deserve her. It still SUCKS but it’s less sucky than thinking he’d rather have his twin sister’s V.

In said capital, the remaining Unsullied and Dothraki forces, along with Dany and her merry men, are lined up outside the gates. Cersei, Pirate von D, and Cersei’s ever lurking zombie Mountain are on the battlements with a chained Missandei. The camera sweeps to show both sides and when did King’s Landing get so FLAT?

Isn’t King’s Landing supposed to be all lush and hilly? What has Cersei done to the place?! This is Dubrovnik, ffs!

Creepy Qyburn comes out of the gates and Tyrion goes to meet him, Hand to Hand. Queen Daenerys demands Cersei’s unconditional surrender and the return of Missandei, unharmed. Queen Cersei demands Daenerys’ unconditional surrender. It’s a stalemate and they’re not getting anywhere so Tyrion tries to appeal to Creepy Qyburn’s logic. They have a chance to prevent bloodshed. To not cause the screams of thousands of children as hellfire is rained down upon them. It’s not a pleasant sound, Qyburn agrees. Alas, he still goes on about Cersei being the one true Queen so Tyrion pushes past him to speak to his sister himself.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are all--

Dany also thinks this is not a good idea.

Some of the Lannister army up on the battlements with Cersei and Co get their bows and arrows ready but as Tyrion approaches, Cersei waves them off with a smug smile. Calling up to her, Tyrion says he knows Cersei doesn’t care about the people of the Seven Kingdoms; they hate her and the feeling’s mutual.

He mentions her children, her unborn child. How she loved them more than life itself. And just because her reign is over doesn’t mean her life has to end, her her child has to die.

Just for a moment, one moment, it appears as if his words are getting to her. Cersei takes a deep breath, lets it out shakily. Lena’s acting in this instance is superb. And then, she crosses to Missandei as Dany and Grey Worm race toward the gate in alarm, and murmurs “If you have any last words, now is the time”.

Missandei’s last word?

With her last word, Missandei is telling Dany to fuck it all and burn King’s Landing to the ground.

Cersei gives zombie Mountain the nod to take off Missandei’s head, and poor Grey Worm can’t watch as the undead monster kills his girlfriend.

Dany shakes, turns, and walks away as Cersei smiles triumphantly.

The Mother of Dragons is so done fucking around, y’all.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh this episode was a ride. I wanted to wring SO many necks. Jon Snow, how does it feel to be the villain of the internet? Jaime, you best be headin’ back to K.L. to kill Cersei. Don’t you be breaking Brienne’s heart for nothing. Burn it all down, Dany! #Cleganebowl!

I am EXCITE for the penultimate ep. So EXCITE!

#game of thrones #game of thrones recap #game of thrones 8 #emilia clarke #Kit Harrington #nickolaj coster-waldau #gwendoline christie #kristofer hivju #Sophie Turner #maisie williams #jacob anderson #nathalie emmanuel #ghost #ghost deserves better #warden of the woof

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