begin again - part one
Jax Teller x female!Reader
Summary: This part one of a maybe five-part series. Y/N’s keeping a secret she’s hiding from Jax…
Word count: 1,3k words
Warnings: bad language, it's angsty
You stare blankly at the kitchen cabinets, contemplating your next move. You’ve left Abel with Gemma, all your belongings are packed and loaded into the trunk of your car, and in the bedroom is a handwritten letter for Jax to find when he comes home later tonight. You’re breaking up with him via a letter, a cowardice move, but you don’t feel confident enough to do it face to face.
You can’t bear to look him in the eyes as you break his heart. It was so difficult the last time, and you swore you’d never put yourself through that pain again. You know what you have to do, you’ve gone over the plan every day for the past two weeks, and yet here you are, feet cemented to the floor as you struggle to come to grips with your decision. You know it’s what’s best for you but that doesn’t mean you’re okay with it all.
Tears pool in your eyes, blurring your vision, and as your heart hammers against your chest, you can’t help but think of all that you’re walking away from as you leave Charming. You’ve told no one of your plans to escape, too afraid they’d talk you out of it, or worse, tell Jax who’d surely come after you. Maybe he should come after me, and maybe, just maybe, I can talk sense into him and convince him to leave Charming and the M/C.
You shake your head, expelling the thought. As tempting and ideal as the thought is, you’ve known Jax long enough to know that he would never walk away from the club. No, for your plan to work, for you to rehabilitate yourself from Jax and the chaos that is SAMCRO, you’ve got to run and never look back. Above all, Jax can never find out where you’ve run to because trouble is sure to follow.
As much as you love him, you now realize that your association with Jax and the club poses a threat to your life and that of your unborn baby. The baby. You place both hands over your belly and a faint smile tugs at your lips. This baby is the main reason for your escape. You’re only nine weeks along and already there’s nothing you wouldn’t do to protect this baby — including keeping its existence from its father.
It’s awful, and you wish you didn’t have to do this, you don’t want to do this. Jax’s an amazing father, you’ve witnessed it time and time again with Abel. You also know that there are no lengths he wouldn’t go to for his offspring, you witnessed it a few months ago when Abel was kidnapped. You know the same would apply to your unborn child. Jackson Nathaniel Teller would want to be a part of the child’s life, regardless of your feelings towards his chosen lifestyle.
Initially, you had planned on sharing the exciting news with your baby father. Starting a family together with Jax had always been in the cards for you, and despite his troubling past and your mother’s vehement disapproval, you entertained the idea of setting your roots in the small town. Not only do you have your mother close by, but you also have a decent job that pays the bills, and of course, there’s Jax.
But when Calvin the prospect was brutally murdered it forced you to reconsider your entire future. That night, you accepted the fact that you could never raise a child in Charming, not with Jax’s line of work and his affiliation with the club. The very next morning, you began plotting your great escape which has led you to this moment.
“Right” — you swipe your tears with the back of your hand — “it’s time to go.”
With a final glance around the kitchen, you grab your handbag off of the breakfast table and start towards the front door. You’re overcome with a sadness you know will take days to shake off, but the arrangements have been made, and a new life awaits you in Charlotte. As you lock the front door, you can’t help but relive the moment you first visited this house you now call home. So much has happened since then, so much has changed.
You scurry towards your waiting car. This is it, there’s no turning back from here. You clamber into the vehicle, the tears making it difficult to see, and with a shaking hand, stick the key into the ignition. You’re starting the engine when you catch the sound of an approaching motorcycle. Shit, shit, shit! Jax shouldn’t be home for at least another hour. Fuck. It’s your worst nightmare come true. Shit!
You’re filled with dread as you watch him park his bike in front of the house and walk towards your car. You do your best to fix your appearance, to hide the evidence of your crying, but it’s impossible to hide your red-rimmed eyes. He lightly taps on your car’s window and you hesitantly turn to face him and watch his face fall at the sight of you.
“What’s going on?”
Shit! You kill the car’s engine, your mind racing with thoughts and possible ways to handle the situation before you. You could always go with the lie, to protect you both, but then again, he deserves to know the truth and maybe he’ll see it from your perspective. You scoff at the thought, you’ve been here with him before, there’s no way in hell he’ll see this from your perspective. One thing is certain though — tonight, you’re leaving Charming.
You step out of the car, flinching away when Jax tries to reach for you. You can never think straight when he’s touching you. You fight to keep your voice sturdy as you tell him, “I’ve got to go.”
His brows come together in confusion. “What?”
“I’m leaving you.”
A sick feeling settles in your stomach as soon as the words are out of your mouth and when you see Jax’s confused expression, you wish you would’ve gone with the lie. He turns his head away from you, for only a brief moment, and when he turns back, his confusion is replaced by a pained expression.
“I can’t… I can’t do this” — fresh tears spring to your eyes — “I thought I could but I was only kidding myself… we both were kidding ourselves. I don’t fit into your life, I never did, and I hate that I constantly have to live in fear. Always looking over my shoulder. When does it end?”
Jax stands before you at a loss for words as an array of emotions flash through his eyes. You think he might yell at you, and maybe you want him to yell at you. Maybe you want him to be harsh, for him to hurl insults at you because then it would validate you. But nothing.
“I’m sorry that I wasted your time.”
“Don’t try to convince me to stay.” You sniffle, swiping your nose with the back of your hand, “And you’ve got to promise me that you won’t come looking for me after I’ve left.”
“Promise me, Jax!”
He says nothing and you suspect he never will.
You climb back into your car and start the car engine without giving it a second thought. Jax stands frozen on the driveway, watching you slip through his fingers for a second time, and as you drive down the familiar street, a heaviness settles on your heart.
“I love you, Jackson Teller.” You couldn’t bring yourself to say those words to his face, afraid you might succumb to the feeling and find yourself staying in Charming. “I’ll love you forever.”
You look up at the rearview mirror, a small part of you hoping to find Jax’s motorcycle trailing after you. It’s the same part that wants him to fight for you and your relationship. The same part that wants him to give up the club and his life in Charming to be with you. A life away from Gemma and her endless bullshit but that’s just wishful thinking.
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