#boys who break your heart

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i have a Scene - a Plot if you will - that backs this as context. y'all are gonna have to trust me on this one <3 or read the tags...

#the song is 'in your eyes' by peter gabriel #boombox serenade lets GO!!! #in my mind immediately after this the others came over to say hi (or in sallys case tell him off) #and at first howdy's like 'oh ofc wallys there that makes sense. sally too? strange but alright' #then eddie appears and ohhhh boy its Jealousy Central Babey and howdy's train just pulled into the station #scribble salad #laughingstock #welcome home #barnaby x howdy #howdy x barnaby #OK CONTEXT I PROMISED CONTEXT #so in my mind howdy is an oblivious dumbass when it comes to his own romantic feelings. #he's so in love with barnaby (its very obvious) but Doesnt Realize It. despite being a god tier flirty fruity motherfucker #so when barnaby - thinking theyre on the same page - confesses #howdy's all like 'ohhh um. gee barn im flattered truly but - i just dont like you like that' #yk breaking barnaby's heart right down the middle #so barnaby shuts himself in his home and wally is hovering. yk Worried #and eddie - who's been helping barnaby come to terms w/ his own feelings & gauge if howdy feels the same - asks sally to check in for him #& sally goes over and Immediately involves herself. she takes personal offense on barnaby's behalf #also she lives for the drama and wants every juice detail Hot Off The Press #so while howdy is having a lil crisis as he slowly realizes Oh My Fucking God I DO Love Barnaby Like That- #barnaby / sally / wally / (eventually) eddie are all having a sleepover where they just play card games and chat #a good ol bitch n' stitch night #and howdy shows up to try and talk to barns (obvs in my head he doesnt have a boombox he just Knocks) #only to get RE-RE-RE-REJECTEDDDDDD!!!! thats how it feels you wormy mf! #bc barnaby is a) having a girls night & b) needs to emotionally prepare for That conversation #aaaaand THATS the context <3

[theghooligan]

the sheer audacity that the haitani’s have combined together is truly astronomical. mitsuya was literally on the brink of unconsciousness and still acknowledged that they were those bitches. 😏

#tr spoilers #rin will always be my fave #but rin? he’s the whole package #it’s not a joke that he should be your fave #i love that aggressive bone breaking yet sweet glasses mullet wearing boy #can you believe rin invented aesthetics #because i can #ran committing tall crimes #he’s a tall menance who has committed the crime of slaying my fucking heart #rindou haitani #ran haitani #rindou x reader #ran x reader #rindou smut #ran smut #mitsuya x reader #mitsuya smut #mikey x reader #draken x reader #chifuyu x reader #sanzu x reader #izana x reader #koko x reader #inupi x reader #tr smut #tokyo revengers smut #bonten smut

[puppyeared]

Ouhhhh friendship I love friendship……..

#I’m reading volumes 14-16 of the ouran manga OOUGHHH MY HEART #I love this weird little friend group so much its unreal #like u have this charming sweeps you off your feet prince but he’s actually a huge lovable idiot with a kind heart and his friends #who are all misfits that he reached out to and drew in because of his kindness and own weirdness like that shits TIGHT BRO #and the trauma part where he has some deep seated issues with love bc he thinks that itll break a family apart like with his mom #how his family isnt allowed to be together because his mom and dad fell in love and how he says he wants to build a big house #so that way one day everyone will get along as a family like. all he wants is not to lose everyone and the only way to do that is #by maintaining a certain order.. he both wants a complete family so bad and doesnt want anything to sour between anyone #so he assigns each of his friends a family role based on how he sees them and YEAH its mostly played for giggles and tamakis #already weird so its his way of showing theyre close to him but. god damn this boy has LAYERS #it also feels kinda meta towards how found family tends to get thrown around to assign characters as 'siblings' or family roles instead of #using it to describe characters who are close enough to be each others family. cuz tamakis doing that EXACT THING in a way tht #ties in with his character and i have to say its fascinating using that within the story itself and its completely plausible #theres a lot of things i can say about ouran that are good bad and questionable but. god i love it when characters are niceys to each other #i remember i really liked the kyoya episode bc him and haruhi got to spend time together and their relationship isnt very close #but it was really nice to see their personalities bounce off each other. i think i also wouldve liked to see haruhi alone with kaoru #i also firmly believe all of the hosts are at least a little in love with haruhi and this can be anything like endearing romantic cuz like #who DOESNT love haruhi. kyoya i think would want to study her under a microscope like his fascination with her draws him in #but im fucking obsessed with whatever haruhi and tamaki have going on because YES hes obsessed with her YES he jumps at the chance to #put her in a cute costume but haruhi? she just fucking goes with it because she knows hes fun to be around even if hes a little wacky abt i #theyre all so. NNGGHHHH #ouran #ohshc #yapping

[josephinekhawaja]

Poring over the TTPD track listing, I feel I can speak for many that it just, readily looks applicable to one's Problematic Faves Or Blorbos --

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys Down Bad But Daddy, I Love Him Fresh Out the Slammer Guilty As Sin? Who's Afraid of Little Old Me? I Can Fix Him (No, Really, I Can) LOML I Can Do It With A Broken Heart The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

...like who even needs to be in an Actual Relationship, and subsequent break-up, to feel seen with too many fictional characters on file in staring directly at the sun🤐🤐🤐🤐but never in the mirror.

#Alastor The Radio Demon #my most recent You Look Like My Next Mistake #I would also add for him The Alchemy #TTPD #RadioDust #as you can bet your ass I will go into this hoping for fanmix things for them #My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys #Down Bad #Fresh Out the Slammer #Guilty As Sin? #Who's Afraid of Little Old Me? #LOML #I Can Do It With A Broken Heart #The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

[ljesaw]

it’s with depression that i fear i have to say, i think for a long time (too long really), zuko doesn’t reach out to his uncle during his retirement in ba sing se, not even for the much needed guidance he could use, because he considers it part of the exhaustive list of reparations the fire nation (and he himself) owes

#zuko: he deserves peace too that’s what this is all for #and you zuko? your peace? (he doesn’t know the meaning of the word in relation to himself) #i’m sure iroh reaches out often. lots of letters #but for one zuko’s swamped and pushing himself past his own limits with his responsibilities besides #and for two he’s just as guilty about his treatment of his uncle as his treatment of the gaang if not probably moreso really #it is of course horribly misguided and i expect iroh would eventually show up on his doorstep like you IDIOT boy of mine—! #but until then. zuko is in fact being a self sacrificing and self hating idiot #i also think this is largely true to his character because he has no idea how to uphold normal and healthy relationships #obvi particularly familial #and zuko always deals in extremes when it comes to everything he does #so rather than outright cruelty and insults….he swings in the opposite direction and overcompensates…. #by shutting iroh out completely #and justifying it as ‘he deserves peace and i do not’ #which is completely incorrect of course on all levels #but he’s still learning and his development arc doesn’t end at the finale of book 3 #ebb and flow. like water one might even say teehee #idk if this is canon to the comics i’m not super familiar with them except for a few plot points and quotes #it just breaks my heart that zuko still doesn’t understand that it is harmful to withhold himself from people who care about him #than it is to supposedly protect them from knowing him and being close to him #he makes me so emo hes so emo i love him so much

[findafight]

Totally with you on a) the defintion of shipping and b) that it would not be narratively satisfying to have the show go in the Will and Mike get together direction, for all the reasons you listed.

The dialogue around it also makes it nearly impossible to find meta or even just discussions around Mike that don't centre the possibility of a romantic relations with Will and it's so frustrating. I love that little guy and I just want to talk about how much he loves his friends!

But then the first thing I created for this fandom was a byler breakup fic so... I'm probably not in the majority.

Anyway keep on trucking and I LOVE Robin and Steve's Epic Platonic Soulmate Mixtape <3

Ah thank you! Yeah. The series is grounded in the friendship the party has. That's the first thing we learn about them. It feels insulting to both the characters and anyone who likes the non romantic aspects of relationships when people insinuate that Will couldn't have a happy ending without dating Mike. (Mike doesn't owe Will a romantic relationship. Will doesn't owe Mike one!! It also feels insulting that people say there's going to be a time skip and I guess Will is still pining for him? Let him let go at that point Sheesh.).

The basis of any romantic relationship, especially in canon, between Will and Mike (or any party members) is a deep and strong friendship. Acting like those aren't as important is so rude to people and mischaracterizes them. Mike Wheeler loves his friends so much he would jump off a cliff for any of them. He would deny their death with the barest shred of illogical proof even when presented with a body. He would try to contact a girl for almost a year to see if she was still alive. He holds his friend's hand when it seems he's fading away, insists on going into danger to help with a distraction, and apologizes better to a friend than his girlfriend. He's a moody, angsty teenager, going through a lot of emotions and confusion, and can be an asshole even to his friends, but my god what are you doing if you deny Mike's platonic relationships mean everything to him.

It's also disregarding Will's relationships too! Like. El is his sister now!! You cannot separate that. Would Will want to date Mike even? Loving and wanting to date are different. Dating a sister's ex? Legit so many arguments are just saying El doesn't love Mike, and I guess implying she wouldn't give a shit if Mike stsrted dating a friend that became a brother who is also the only one as deeply connected to the Upside Down as her. It gives me the vibes of people like...taking away the agency El has in her own feelings and saying she loves Mike.

Maybe he just wants to be able to honest about his feelings. Get them off his chest. Keep his friendship with Mike but have everything out in the open, and they can work through that together. Strengthen their friendship and maybe be open to potentially dating in the future (there is an apocalypse on!) while also strengthening their friendship with El. So many people just. Ignore her and her feelings in all this, as though both Will and Mike have not showed they valued her feelings greatly. Why would that not factor in at all? Why would Will put his sister into that position? Would it not be awkward for Mike too?

That's why it wouldnt be satisfactorily executed in S5. The characters and the audience need time to process any breakup between El and Mike. Let them cool off and us register it. Another anon said if they were going blr canon route they should have ended mlvn in S4, and I agree. It needs Breathing room. Not just them breaking up and a two year time skip where we're told time has passed but for us it feels like nothing, so the impact isn't the same and it doesn't have the same satisfaction of knowing they've worked it out but just being told about it. If that makes sense?

Plus the series has struggled with ending romo relationships, and the only one starting that wasn't awkward or weird (Both Nancy and Jon AND Joyce and Hop have Murray be the catalyst which annoying and kinda lazy, not to mention the cheating) was Lucas and Max. That doesn't paint a picture of confidence in me. Sometimes a ship going canon is not actually good. Sometimes in fandom you are actually thankful a ship that honestly should have been canon by the end, or at least post-series didn't, because whatever the show runners would have done with it would have probably ruined whatever dynamic that made them compelling in the first place. it may feel like a betrayal or rip off at first, and would likely continue to, but with time comes a feeling of oh. Maybe it's better this way... Would come.

So yes. Seeing how people reacted to me simply saying that, by the end of the series, I don't think it could satisfyingly become canon, while prioritizing their relationships with each other, Not a lot of nuance is allowed, it seems. Though I'm sure many shippers are cool and chill, it's really just a few people who are loud about it that try to inhibit discussion or meta, it's a damn shame that the only discussion allowed to those shippers is when or how it will be canon. Where's the fun in that? Everyone can interact with fandom differently, and it's a shame some folks want to dictate how others do so.

#findaanswers #pennyplainknits #shipping #fandom wank #maybe ill finally finish part 2 of the one-sided blr fic. #also im so glad you like RaSEPSM! my baby...i havent abandoned it im just trying to finish school and want to do it justice haha #also ill take a look at your fic if i can find it! i love a nuanced breakup fic tbh #lets see if only putting character tags will let me be able to sort on my blog but not show up in other tags #tbh its kind of like some of my issues with rnce? like would will want to date the boy who broke his sisters heart and maybe break it again #fandom prioritizing romo ships is nothing new tho #stranger things #stranger things meta #mike wheeler #will byers #blr

[hallothere]

22 with Lothrandir perhaps? he needs a hug

22. Hug (Sort of a continuation from the other 'Lothrandir leaving Isengard' prompt)

For the first time in weeks he was surrounded. By people. By voices. By the thrumming not of machinery but of hoofbeats, regular without incessancy. Laughter. Sunshine.

He'd been given a horse blanket and a spot close to the fire. With his hood up and his brothers' spare things, there was nothing to tell the Rohirrim he wasn't one of the dozens of less-remarkable Rangers milling around the camp at Dunharrow.

It did nothing, also, to hide him from his brothers.

"Lothrandir!"

He gripped his cup tighter as Techeron came into the firelight, breathless, uncowled and uncowed. His dark mood went unacknowledged, as Techeron seemed cheered just to have found him.

"Halbarad said you were well!" He seemed to be trying to fight down a smile. Irrepressible. "We could scarcely believe--"

A crack. Lothrandir was bone weary, battered, and barely able to sit upright, but he saw it. Techeron had one of the more celebrated poker faces in the Company, or rather, one of the most lamented. He felt, all of them did, but could hide it better than most. Was that the purpose of the attitude? Try to hide a grin so no one looks for anything else?

It was the eyes, he thought, bright. Lit up with the effort. Techeron had been the smallest of them, the old crew in Evendim. To ask Orchalwë now, he would deny strenuously anything but the stewardship and care of a green recruit, but not so when they were younger. The pair of them had thought to make a game of Techeron's first posting and learned his true mettle at their peril. Then, they had been inseparable until reassignment.

But that was years past, and the path of the Grey Company was the first he had walked with Techeron since. Lothrandir could still see the new oathsworn he and Orchalwë had sworn to as brothers. And he could not stand the thought- could not bear it- for Techeron to see him in this state.

"What a story it will make." Techeron picked up again, seemingly undaunted. "You've befriended one wizard and gotten the better of the other."

Lothrandir had not meant to flinch, but his mask was not so good as Techeron's. He was not used to the new Mithrandir, even after his departure. That had been hard to stomach. He did not like fearing retribution from the hand of a friend.

"Yes, well," he began, "I doubt many will find torture so interesting. Let us speak no more of it."

He'd punctured Techeron like a full waterskin. The deflated, wilting man beside him bore none of the false exuberance from a moment ago. Lothrandir swallowed and looked away. He didn't want Techeron to leave, no, he wished him never to have come. To never have asked and never necessitated this kind of answer. To have come later, when he was full-recovered and his old self, not trapped under so much weakness--

"I will leave." Techeron spoke abruptly. "I will go tend to the rations- it was my chore tonight. But... suffer me only a moment."

Lothrandir turned, eyes weary, to find Techeron lunging forward. He hugged like a drowning man, and it took all of Lothrandir's will not to cry out.

"I dared not hope you survived." Techeron said. He stumbled over a hitch in his throat as he continued, "I was not brave enough to lose you twice, brother." He jumped back looking pained, and before Lothrandir could stop him he disappeared among the tents.

He found his trembling hand outstretched. Lothrandir closed it and set his arm back in his lap. It was good that Techeron had gone. It was good. He would do better not to see. Lothrandir would do better to bear this alone.

#OOPS #ask games #lothrandir #techeron #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #push your little brother away now and he's only going to be twice as annoying later #or break your heart! who knows flower boy! #fic tag

[ramayantika]

Yes, I won't be there around you all the time. I won't be able to wipe your tears with my fingers all the time. I don't miss you as much as you do when we are apart. I roam the world, with dreams and aspirations as huge and as wide as the sky. They tell me you haven't been a good wife forget being a good lover but it is you I want to come back home to. I will not be home for months but I will send letters, ten pages long for every month with a small love poetry that will only make sense to you. When I win the world, I am a star for them, a performer and artist in their eyes, a nomad who roams around leaving pieces of their creation everywhere but it's you I choose to come back every time every night in the warm bed that you make. It's your lips that I seek to steal a kiss from and it's your embrace that would take away all the tiredness from my limbs.

#samridhi speaks #what is this #samridhi in her feels #love is a choicw #could I ever tske a break from my dreams and aspirations never? that sometimes makes me wonfer where would I stand in a family setting #especially indian famililes #sure I will bitch and cry about my work get angry and stomp my feet hard everytime I do a dance step wrong #but fuck it I love it I want all the beautiful and ugly parts with it #I want to see the world dance in it and write hundreds of poetry and stories #but it's only one person I want to come home to who knows me that my heart solely belongs to him in whole #there's so much to see so much to learn and create #I have had some boys telling me oh you would make a good girlfriend #if you break up or something and if I am singlr I would literally marry you later on #and somehow that makes me see the because oh yes a woman practicing dance is pleasing to the eye and she will be traditional #and she'll be soft hearted so yeah good bahu #what do you even know about me #I would choose dance over everything₹ #I will literally bleed cry sweat around to make things work #these guys think yeah she wears pretty dresses is a devotee of krishna and all so nice snd good no squabling #some told me you are pretty you shoulf pass your beauty to the next gen #and I was gagging internally #I want to create a legacy for every woman after me who is enriched with art wisdom and knowledge #whose face shall shine with divine wisdom from years of seeking knowledge #fuck taking breaks from career to be thst supposedly good gf or wife #my parents spend so muvh money and time fot my studies and dancing #my mother sits with me as I create and discuss dance and I would leave that all to be your idea of a good bahu and mother

[starfiresky]

Guys. I just went to prom all by myself without a date (cuz nobody asked me) and friends (even tho I’ve been living here for 3 years). I was going to just mope and be sad, but I decided to just have an epic time and be really happy. I even went out on a limb and asked this dude to dance with me, and he was genuinely happy and ACTUALLY had rizz, and turned out to be an elite smash bros player who actually likes and plays kingdom hearts. WHAT!? WHO IS THIS MAN?

I SHOULD NOT HAVE LET HIM LEAAAVEEE

#kingdom hearts #Kh #that one gamer guy who came with a classy date who decided to dance with the overly cheerful stranger girl #tangent time #i am so happy I actually had a good expirience #the bro asked me my name #I ALWAYS HAVE TO INITIATE THINGS BUT NOT WITH HIM #HE HAS RESTORED MY FAITH IN THE WORLD #WHAT AN EXCEPTIONAL HUMAN BEING #CLAP FOR HIM #IDK IDK #His name was Aiden #support kingdom hearts rizz boys #Aiden if you read this: #you are a lovely human being #thx for helping me save my prom experience #and plz break up with your girlfriend

[thebirdandhersong]

looool the world is so small and brief encounters are funny--as in I froze for a moment from the shock and then, when I was out of sight, laughed hysterically because I hadn't expected it

#in other words. saw the first guy who ever asked me out today while walking home #and remembered how Tall and Grand i thought he was and how much i looked up to him #he was the first boy to break my heart! and he was walking around campus too i guess #suddenly he was just THERE and i was like. songbird that is literally just some guy #just some guy who isn't so tall and grand after all! just some guy who's also wandering around campus going to class or whatever! #who also happened to ask you out years ago because he wanted **a** girlfriend and went for another girl less than a week after you said you #weren't ready to date. like wooooo boy the world is so small #i don't know why i wanted to laugh so much when i saw him #(there WERE uncharitable reasons too) but i walked back home with a light heart #because thankfully life goes on and time moves on and things that leave you lying on your bed #feeling hollow and achey inside because you wouldn't let yourself cry #those things eventually DO fade and the sun DOES come out #and then you walk on and have lunch with friends and sing loudly in the stairwell when you get back #because all shall be well and all DID turn out well and all is well now :)

[bylertruther]

so crazy to think there was a time in this fandom where saying "idk guys i think the character that gets called multiple gay slurs, bullied specifically for that reason, and whose own mother suggests he's gay, and who other people say his disappearance was also for that reason might, like... idk... actually be gay :/" would get you ridiculed and talked down at and now we're here talking about how will is in love with another male main character, his bestest friend and scene partner that he's now spent two entire seasons with, and had multiple mike-will specific subplots with, and who he's literally in a love triangle with, and whose art for him is real actual merch that you can buy in 39483 different formats. like. 😳 fucking FINALLY

#we went from In Your Face Undeniably Gay Without Saying The Word Gay levels of 'subtext' #which tbh i don't think it can even count as subtext bc they have every other character except will say it but it's not a secret... #they just don't ever Say The Words but they tell you in 93804948039 other words from 39048309480 other characters #to FINALLLYYYYYYYYYY making will say in other words Yes I'm Gay Yes I'm In Love With The Boy Who's Been By My Side At My Best And My Worst #And Who Never Once Gave Up On Me Even When It Was Dangerous And Would've Been Understandable And The Smart Thing To Do I Love Him So Much #That I'm Willing To Break My Own Heart Into A Million Pieces If It Brings Him Even A Single Second Of Peace Because I Just Want Him To Be #Happy Even If That's Not With Me #liek. oKAY WILLIAM!!!!!! OKAY!!!!! ALRIGHT!!!!!! COMING OUT SWINGING IT WASN'T ENOUGH TO CONFIRM THE GAY ALLEGATIONS HE HAD TO #TURN THIS SHIT INTO A ROMANCE COMING OF AGE STORY LIKE. SPEAK UR TRUTH KING !!!!!!

[just-about-nothing]

oh my god fall out boy

#i rant #fall out boy #to articulate what this band means to me. you will first have to start at a lonely thirteen #and then fall in love with the whole deal with patrick stump! #here is this man. a rock star in all these music videos who is just as geeky and pasty as you! wow!!! #then you realize he’s not the one writing the lyrics: pete wentz is & so you fall for him too. his lyrical precision — #i don’t want to be a footnote in someone else’s happiness — encapsulates your youth perfectly #when your parents break up and your childhood house is sold you sing if i can get through this i can do anything #even if it came out a few years too late to be timely advice #then your first love and one of your best friends kill herself and you think shit why am i alive when she is not and it plagues you #and you listen to patrick sing pete’s words ‘i’m a loose cog of a complete machine’ and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry #in loss from chloe to tranquility to independence you’ve kept this band near your chest next to your heart #there’s a part of you that is always the lonely 13 yr old a gap toothed girl not yet jaded discovering and rediscovering this music #GD bless fall out boy. GD bless my thirteen year old self. GD bless me now. GD bless all us fans

[dirt-str1der]

Love the thought of kiryu losing nishikiyamas lighter fucking instantly after he gave it to him. Like he leaves it in the car and nishiki is nice enough to re-gift it to him when they meet up again and then two weeks after that whole fiasco kiryu loses it again and nishiki just buys him those cheap packs of like fifty plastic lighters because this is why they cant have nice things and he hates (loves) him so much

#Yakuza loveblog #like as sweet as it is to have kiryu hold on to that thing forecer (his lighter now) i think he really has a problem with commitment. its #not like he doesnt treasure it. he just does a lot of backflips and jumping around and things inevitably fall out of his pockets #i believe in my heart that kiryu is always losing shit and taking nishikis without permission and breaking it sometimes. like yknow #younger brother behaviour. thats why nishikis always hounding him because hes suffered greatly from kiryus whims #his whimsicality. his ability to wander literally everywhere. i think kiryu played truant in school a lot #like very early on he knew it wasnt for him so hed stalk the streets in his school uniform and climb up or under fences and rip up his skirt #and knees and then when he meets up with nishiki and yumi again hes like hey wanna come lepak in this abandoned building i found ? and theyd #be like YEAH !!!! and bring yuko along too because i love her and she should get to cut her arm open on a rusty metal screw and have to be #sent to the hospital as little girls are prone to doing. i love talking about kiryu in his school uniform god .. i really ... like i just #know he would use it to its fullest like i have a very clear image in my minds eye of kiryu as a kid all covered in dirt from climbing into #gardens and dusty old buildings morning to afternoon and carrying cool rocks around in his skirt and when he gathers them all in a pile he #just dusts off his skirt and its literally still covered in dirt and mud and dust but he does not give a shit. like it would literally be #ripped up the back because hes always sliding down concrete slopes and banisters and im sure hes cut his leg open before and just bled. #all over his nice boue uniform and then limped home and soaked it in a bucket to wear tomorrow. like i see kiryu with a lot of free time and #he never does homework and is failing all his classes by choice because he alrrady knows what he wants to do. like hes only failing because #he doesnt show up for exams and hes literally the bad boy that the girls always ask nishiki to introduce them to like omg is kazuko your #sister ?? can you give her this letter ... and nishiki opens it and reads it first and its a love letter and he just gives it to kiryu like #there are hot girls in your area who want you desperately and kiryus like oh. neat. im skipping school again tomorrow btw do not tell oyasan

[luv-stargazer]

i caught up on kyd and remus and fabian are going to break my heart and i will not survive it

#fic: kill your darlings #like of COURSE i am always wolfstars biggest fan #BUT FABIAN OH GOD HES BREAKING MY HEART #i know it'll end with remus and sirius and i WANT thaf but ... #please let fabian get his happy ending #and a boy who loves him so very much #kyd always knows how to make me cry #like i don't think there's been a chapter where tears haven't fallen #i'm so unwell

[crossbackpoke-check]

"This extra space next to me belongs to you. I know where I end now. I won't get lost." -- shoot me (metaphorically) and leave me for dead (metaphorically) why won't you. To make this about Dylan and maybe it's about Connor, maybe it's about Brinksy, maybe it's about any journeyman in the NHL. My brain screamed Chris Driedger and his memorable (to me) Players' Tribune article:

And how can you mention Dylan and Zach (Za-ach, the way Dylan says it) without me having a breakdown about them? You simply can't. And for the younger dudes, maybe it's a little Bords/Briss, not yet steady in The Show, a little bit of distance, a summer that tries to erase and make up all the memories they've made separately... and then a blurry insta story in Vegas. Just like old times but somewhere else. Maybe it's not the same bed, maybe it's not the same set of forks, but maybe it's the principle of the thing.

Anyway, goodbye. Sorry for this, your tag walls make me break out in imagined scenarios.

Much love. xxx

please never be sorry for sending me messages <3 i love reading them i love getting them i think they’re beautiful and i love them i’m!!!!! [🥹💕🦋🫧✨💘😭 <- the best approximation of what my heart is doing]

ok NOW i am taking this step by step because every narrative here kicked me straight in the knees (metaphorically) i am w e e p i n g (literally): i knew tangentially about chris driedger going to seattle but i had never read his players’ tribune love letter to seattle & all i can say is oh. oh. and with the part about trains delayed but still being right on time—

sometimes a dream is a truth your heart knows long before you do. the space that the city and the team made for him (“you’d be the only guy on the team”)🗣️🗣️🗣️ !!! but the way that chris talks about needing to put in the work & leo not letting him quit,,, that’s chris filling up the teakettle with twice as much water, crowding one side of the bed (falling asleep against a bus window dreaming), becoming unburdened by the idea of not being their guy, not having the fallback being their draft pick to content and settle himself with. that’s chris betting on a future. that’s the train coming down the tracks, right on time.

(i am feeling unhinged about it)

SECOND. i know i was the one that said zach and dylan to start so technically i brought this on myself but also i have been ktfo by the mere mention of the way that dylan says zach’s name different from everyone else, stealing an extra breath, stealing as much time as he can get with him, which reminded me of a poem i just read:

The Need Is So Great, Jim Moore

^^^dylan still in love with zach even as he’s leaving, can feel himself losing him, and taking every sliver of the love in his smile that he can get. even if he knows zach doesn’t still feel the same way he’s drawing out the long goodbye & saying i love you in a thousand ways without ever saying it out loud (“i have been asking for a time but in ways that have no words” because he doesn’t want to ask too much, to ask for love) in the hope that zach will say it back OKAY I’M LEAVING i can’t do this

that was a lie because THREE. “maybe it’s the principle of the thing” please insert the most ungodly screech how could you just (lovingly) come in straight with the steel chair and bean me upside the head with that l i n e i think this story has the potential for such tragedy in it but also the most tender domestic longing because bords & briss have known each other for a long time (i think) and guys do sometimes lose themselves when they first get to the nhl.

it’s a big scene, you’re with big name guys, you’re finally doing the thing you always dreamed about, you’re no longer necessarily the best because everyone’s the best, you’re not sure how you fit in, you can get lost in the glitz and the glamor of it but you can also literally get lost in it, the slog of the season and getting caught up and down between teams and leagues and endless airports and buses and travel and ice rinks, losing your phone (accidental) and having new people hound you for quotes and fame and connection so you lose your phone (on purpose) and i think where i’m trying to go is: this could play out as the tragedy of borde going to the california coastline and briss shipping off to the vegas strip and both of them getting a little lost.

maybe there’s someone else, maybe i am steadfastly not thinking about “a summer that tries to erase and make up all the memories they've made separately” as either a summer of them pretending things are ok after a year of barely speaking and now being completely different people they never were before OR a summer of them trying to pretend like they can forget about each other because maybe they didn’t think their relationship was the same thing, is all, when they were or weren’t together. maybe it’s nobody’s fault but for the fact that they were scared and tired and lonely trying to make it in the big times and didn’t know how to show it. and then borde shows up with takeout and plastic forks in vegas and it’s december and nothing like winter in ann arbor and still they fill up all the empty spaces in each other with the things they didn’t know they’d miss until they were gone and this is the real thing, not whatever they were trying too hard to be, to recreate their own nostalgia for the love in their memories. it’s the principle of the thing, is all, to always be true to the love they have right now & not what they think it should be.

sorry that i wrote you kind of an essay of an answer but i had so so so many thoughts because your ask was so lovely so thank you for sending it to me (you are always welcome to!! i love your imagined scenarios!!! cannot even explain how much!!!) & thank you for taking the time to read my walls of tags :))) <3

#liv in the replies #every time you send me a message i do the thing where i’ve got heart emojis for thumbs & cease any coherency #FIRSTLY chris driedger who i loved as seattle’s goalie without even knowing the story: #dreidger fourth layer of a dream is making me tear up AGAIN hours later as i try to write this the echl the coast easy come hard to leave & #when he talks about being somebody’s guy laying my head down in the bog & dragging my hands over my face chris who let you say that. who let #u break my HEART i truly don’t think i will ever recover from the inception reference bc that’s what they all talk abt u know? the nhl dream #the players’ tribune articles are often some of the most poetic & touching sports writing & every time i am reminded i lose my shit about it #SECONDLY: #the ever present spectre of dylan’s first boyfriend zach werenski #i have so so so many quotes? drafts? posts? about the thing with saying someone’s name to call them closer to you i say your name to speak #more of you into the world so i will possibly look for some of those to say what i mean but also: this poem was originally reminiscent of #willingly by tess gallagher which is my ajax jack / superbuddies poem & this specifically did go with the a drop of paint / the light has #fallen through you part of it but there’s a part of THIS poem which i did not include that talks about the late light / has already happened #will go on happening forever & that whole poem with this now to say i know it’s embarrassing i’m asking for it :: easy to write about light #like falling asleep on the couch & having to carry yourself up to bed is the dylan/zach heartbreak of this. waiting & waiting for the things #you used to do & the love you used to / were promised to have with the hope that if you keep the coffee ready he’ll come drink it & instead #you have too many cups of tea one yours & one cold then half-warmed over & too sweet for your tastes but you’ve learned to drink it anyway #okAY now third: #this w/the UMICH BOYS? N O I DIDN’T EVEN!!! NOT A THOUGHT IN MY BRAIN!!! & now i can’t stop thinking!!! & i had an entire PLAYLIST already #a ??? while ago before i even truly knew the umich boys Narratives™️ i heard maude latour’s song ‘one more weekend’ & went hahaha isn’t that #a great song for when you have that One Summer of college before everyone splits off into their own lives? isn’t that a fun little umich boy #going into the nhl narrative?? to which i said NO but then it spiraled into a playlist &now there is delightful heartbreak to go with vibes #umich scholars please feel free to correct me if i’m wrong on any points i can’t remember anything presently about anything #also the f a c t that that vegas picture is real and i know exactly what you’re talking about is making me %^•*]+£’ bc how!! is that real!!! #okay ALSO just throwing in brinksy like a casual AHAHA have brainworm for a year (my autocorrect tried to go bringst like angst which. lmao) #connor and dylan… all of my journeymen… we did not touch that because i WILL start yelling about sam gagner and marc staal and #the chrysalis and the caterpillar

[pride-moth]

Not to be too sentimental about it, but I had this long phase last year until early this year where I really wasn't engaging with my own emotions very much and I was momentarily scared that I'd lost access to them.

And then Fall Out Boy came back and I just, like, ritually drowned myself in their music for a few weeks and wouldn't you know, there's my feelings again! Certainly not all of them are positive, but I'm glad to have them back!

#Smth smth 'we're the chemists who found to the formula to make your heart swell and burst' #Thanks boys you unlocked something in me again #I took a bit of a break listening to them in 2021 for.... Reasons #Grave mistake #fall out boy