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glacierruler · 9 months

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Bipolar 1 Disorder

So there have been a few people, who on this post, weren't sure what Bipolar 1 Disorder is. Keep in mind this varies for everyone, but I'll give you the medical definition, and what it personally feels like, for me.

Also feel free to rb with questions, or how these things feel/affect you, or just to spread awareness.

CWs: manic episodes, depressive episodes, hallucinations, delusions, intrusive and impulsive thoughts, suicide ideation and thoughts of suicide, car crash mention, medication

According to this website, NIMH Bipolar 1 Disorder is:

Bipolar I disorder is defined by manic episodes that last for at least 7 days (nearly every day for most of the day) or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate medical care. Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks. Episodes of depression with mixed features (having depressive symptoms and manic symptoms at the same time) are also possible. Experiencing four or more episodes of mania or depression within 1 year is called “rapid cycling.”

Again, every individual experiences this differently, and this won't be completely true for all individuals, but this is a good place to start your research(I do not agree with all the information in this, but it's one of the most credible sources I have). And again, you should definitely do your research, not everyone experiences this like I do.

Okay, so most of this has to do with, or is tied to emotions and feelings. Which makes explaining it harder. But bear with me here.

First, manic and depressive episodes are two extremes. And like you can feel both at the same time, despite how polar opposite they can seem, but both of them are still two extremes.

Now manic episodes in particular are interesting, because like, for me, most of the time they're chaotic and happy. But there have been a few times where I'm irrationally angry. However, at least until I reblog this with probably more information, I'm going to focus on the more happy chaotic side of manic episodes, because that's the main thing I have experience with.

During these happy chaotic moods, these manic episodes, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I legitimately think laws don't apply to me, which is not a good thing. I'm more likely to act on my impulsive thoughts, and thoughts that would usually be intrusive, become impulsive. Like, for example, burning down a building with people in it, usually that would be an intrusive thought for me, but when I'm manic, all of a sudden, I do not care about human lives, and it seems like the most fun thing I could do(this is an example of where my mind could take me). So it takes what would usually be an intrusive thought for me and turns it into an impulsive one. And while my manic episodes don't usually last for a week(has happened a few times), they do get really bad. And I will be a danger to myself or others because of these episodes. I am also like so much more honest, because I don't see the point in lying, lying takes more effort than it's worth in these episodes, which is not great when you're closeted. Thankfully I am mostly left alone when I'm like this, and have never been asked about my identity during an episode.

And while yes manic episodes can be, and in most cases are, dangerous, I can usually do my best writing/painting/drawing during these episodes. I find that I'm more creative, with ideas flowing out of me, and as long as I'm sitting at my computer or easel, I'm not nearly as dangerous.

As for depressive episodes, those are different. Er... I don't think I can explain them very well tbh. But I'll try my best.

Depressive episodes are interesting, because they themselves aren't depression. Depression is a completely different feeling. Like, don't get me wrong, depressive episodes contain depression, but that's not all they do. Depressive episodes make it harder to do anything, but in a different way than depression does. Like, at least for me, with regular depression, I can still be objective about the day that I've had. Where as with depressive episodes that reasoning that I have with myself is like, taken away? And like, depending on how bad it is, it's harder to fight off certain thoughts. And these episodes can last a few hours to a few weeks for me. I'm not explaining it well, because it sounds like regular depression, but as someone who has regular depression and depressive episodes, there's a difference in the feeling. Like depressive episodes contain depression and the hardships that come with it, but make it worse and have a different feel to them. Like, with normal depression, I might think about killing myself, but I'll be able to tell myself no, and why I'm valued. With depressive episodes, the worst one I had I almost crashed my car on purpose, and it took everything in me to not do that. (And that was when I was on my meds, so I'm very glad I didn't have it while off of them).

Now, I experience hallucinations and delusions as well and while not everyone with bipolar 1 disorder experiences this, it is common. And like it's interesting because it can be caused by manic and depressive episodes, usually manic, but with me, it's more of an everyday type thing? Like, they're stronger when I'm manic, but I still get them when I'm not experiencing manic or depressive episodes. With the hallucinations bit, I'll see shapes floating in the air, or hear a few words loudly or even a distant conversation that I just can't make out the words too. Along with some sensory hallucinations, where I'll feel random stings or crawling sensations on my skin. With delusions it's more like I believe something that is so obviously false. One common thing that happens with me, is I'll believe I'm a literal disney princess, like I'm the daughter of Ariel or something. And again, when I'm manic it's worse than when I'm not. So like, a delusion that will usually take me a few hours to break out of, might take me a few days. And hallucinations that are more obvious, become harder for me to tell the difference between, say a see through figure on the streets, and what looks almost like a full body person. (Although it's usually shapes that I see, but I have seen what looked to be a person a few times even though there was no one there). And like, sometimes my hallucinations and delusions will team up, and to keep with the previous example, I will envision the dining room in my house as this big grand ballroom, even though it is literally not big enough to be as spacious as what I'm literally seeing with my eyes. The only hint that my hallucinations aren't real is they will be slightly see through, like, even the most vivid ones I can slightly see through, but some are harder to see through than others.

Again, just to reiterate my point here, this is what I go through. Not everyone who has bipolar 1 disorder will go through these like I do. It is NOT a universal experience.

#glacier rambles #sort of #bipolar 1 disorder #manic episodes #depressive episodes #depression #suicide thoughts #suicidal ideation #mentions of thoughts of suicide #mentions of suicidal ideations #i am not currently planning on killing myself i promise #the tags make more sense if you read the post i swear #hallucinations #delusions #car crash mention #medication

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blackradandmad · 3 years

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preface: in this (ridiculously long) post i describe my current journey of getting off my psych medications. i did this under intense supervision of and with the instructions of my licensed psychiatrist. i do not encourage the sudden and/or secret stopping of medications as it poses a direct danger to the patient. i do not encourage either medications or the cessation of medications for any one individual; i trust and don’t judge the decision to take medications or not take them by people living with a mental health diagnosis. i encourage that everyone with a mental health diagnosis is informed of and consenting to every aspect of their care and able to be a self advocate or have an advocate be there for whatever decision they may make.

a few months ago i told my psychiatrist that i would like to taper off and stop my daily medication (lamictal, effexor, seroquel and abilify-- all for my schizoaffective disorder bipolar 1 type) because

-i’ve been labeled as treatment-resistant so i don’t want to keep taking psychotropic medications when it’s clearly not making a significant improvement -my anti-psychotics are the only medication that made a noticeable improvement to me, -BUT the side effects of those anti-psychotics (a neurological disorder called tardive dyskensia that causes uncontrollable facial/mouth/arm/feet movements that worsens my already existing tourette’s, increased appetite leading to unhealthy eating/weight gain, akathisia or an intense inner restlessness, hypersomnia and excessive daytime sleepiness, emotional blunting, nausea, drooling, headaches just to name a few) have become far, far worse than the symptoms they eliminate or soften -the medication quelled my psychotic symptoms long enough for me to be able to gain a lot of peer resources, join mental health groups, get a good therapist, go to inpatient, and learn a looooot of healthy coping skills and boundary setting, and now i feel like if psychosis does rear its head, i can identify it early and have the tools to cope with it without medication

my psych (god bless that weirdass polish mfer) happily said okay, told me i’m a grown and educated woman of a sound mind who made a choice and deserves to be able to follow through with it safely with a professional’s advice, and gave me hand written instructions on how to taper off all of my medication in 2-4 weeks, depending on the medication.

so, i have been off of those drugs for a month now, and wanted to write a little update, if nothing just for me to be able to look back on and read. the tapers were perfect and i had barely any physical effects of getting off the drugs, apart from the occasional headache, some nausea, and that weird like... body buzzing feeling (i can’t explain it but if you’ve come off or switched psych meds i think you’ll know what i’m talking about). the first two weeks of no meds, emotionally, were a bit rough, i’ll be honest. the auditory hallucinations came back full force and i still see shadow people when i’m under high stress/have little sleep. i have not had any violent/command voices, though. i had a lot of bouts of heavy paranoia, i went from being emotionally detached and blunted to feeling normal feelings which made the normal feelings seem overwhelming. i had a mild stint of depression and following my routine and things like adhering to personal hygiene were difficult. however, after week three, things stabled out.

as of now, i don’t always feel the most emotionally stable, but like fuck, i’m feeling! i’m not eating myself out of house and home or drooling on myself or falling asleep after turning on the oven bc of anti-psychotic caused fatigued. i’m crying again, and i thought i’d lost my ability to do that. i have not had a clinically defined depressive, manic, or psychotic episode. i have had near-crisis moments but they pass within a few hours and i have many resources available for me to utilize to cope with them. overall, i am happy with my decision and feel a lot more like myself!

#lil rambles #schizoaffective #schizoaffective disorder #mental health #bipolar 1 disorder

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