#because why have 30 degrees for four weeks straight when you can have 20 degrees for an entire summer

[criticallyacclaimedstranger]

The plum tree is finally in bloom now that we finally had some rain <3

#if this becomes a dry hot 2018-esque summer i'm going to point out to people that they can't have neither flower nor flour if there's no rai #and as soon as someone says 'we shouldn't complain about the weather' i'm going to complain all i can #because why have 30 degrees for four weeks straight when you can have 20 degrees for an entire summer #jfc #anyway my plum tree is blossoming

[antiquitiesandlabyrinths]

Egyptian Astrology and Calendar

(credit)

Modern beliefs regarding ancient Egyptian astrology stem mainly from two reliefs - the Dendera zodiac, found on the ceiling of the pronaos of a chapel room dedicated to Osiris within the Dendera temple of Hathor, and a papyrus labelled the Cairo calendar that came from an antiquities collector in 1943.

In order to comprehend how the Cairo calendar and the Dendera zodiac, we need a basic understanding of how Egyptians counted their years.

- They had three seasons, each about 120 days, and each divided into four months of 30 days. Within those months were 10-day weeks called decans. To solve the unevenness of the earth’s tilt, they had five epagomenal days.

The seasons were thus:

• Akhet; Inundation, generally from June to September. It was the flooding season in which the Nile grew in size.

• Proyet; Emergence, which came after the flood.

• Shomu; the Harvest, within which you can assume what they did.

The beginning of Akhet was marked not by a specific date, but by the emergence of the star Sirius, which usually preceded the flooding of the Nile.

Now that that’s out of the way, an important fact to mention about ancient Egyptian horoscopes is that they weren’t especially specific, and the horoscope applied to everyone in that one day, not just a certain one. The options daily consisted “"Favorable", "Mostly Favorable", "Very Favorable", "Adverse," "Mostly Adverse," and "Very Adverse.”” For example, most of the days displayed on the Cairo calendar are marked as “Very Favorable” or “Very Adverse.”

Commonly these titles are affected heavily by what events of mythology happened on that day in the ‘past’. The day in which Horus fought his uncle Seth, and consequently losing one of his eyes, was regarded as a very adverse day. On other days in which there were parties and/or happy peace on heaven and earth, the days were called favorable.

The last part of an ancient Egyptian reading on astrology and horoscopes is essentially telling the person what they should do because of that good or bad luck. On the day Horus fought Set, Egyptians were advised to stay in their homes.

To sum up:

Egyptian astrology contained the classic 12 constellations. These were formed from 36 groups of stars called decans. Each decan had a God to go with it and covered 10 degrees—or ten days—in the calendar. So, the 36 decans each having 10 days made up the 360 day calendar, and once you add the epagomenal days (in which Osiris and his siblings were born), you get 365 days. Fun fact: the epagomenal days were essentially half a week of straight partying.

There are 12 astrological signs, as previously mentioned. They all have Gods or Goddesses that represent them and the people born under the 30-day (or 3 decan) timespan each of them are owed. They show the character, strengths, weaknesses, skills, and behaviors of their people.

Before I get into the signs, I’d like to mention that because we don’t have the full story on Egyptian astrology, and because Egypt’s history spanned such a long era and overwent many changes, there are two different ways of practicing ancient Egyptian astrology. One is to attempt to assign traditional dates based off decans, which is the one I am referring to, and one that filters in the influences from other cultures such as Babylonia and Greece.

Let’s get into the actual signs themselves, now.

Amon-Ra

Dates: Jan 8-21, Feb 1-11

Similar Signs: the Nile, Horus

Colors for men: yellow

Colors for women: orange

People born under Ra tend to be generous and stumble easily open great opportunities for success. They often reassure others and are good at inspiring people. Seldom will your life be mediocre.

Anubis

Dates: May 8-27, Jun 29 - Jul 13

Similar Signs: Bastet and Isis

Colors for women: purple

Colors for men: sienna

Like Anubis himself, people born underneath his sign are intelligent and easily gift compassion, while simultaneously carrying a darker presence of thought within them. This does not make them a bad person—it simply means they understand the inherent darkness in the world, an understanding that can sometimes make them seem fatalistic, or, at times, extremely ambivalent. These people may find it difficult to healthily maintain a happy love life.

Bastet

Dates: Jul 14-28, Sep 23-27, Oct 3-17

Similar Signs: Sekhmet, Horus

Colors for men: yellow

Colors for women: grey

Those born under Bastet assume much of the role that Bastet herself occupies in the Egyptian pantheon of Gods. They seek peace and harmony within themselves and in their relationships with others. Since they care deeply for many things, some have a tendency to overprotect and devote themselves to their loved ones, while forgetting to maintain their own health. They have a great intuition and easily pick out secret enemies within their social groups.

Geb

Dates: Feb 12-29, Aug 20-31

Similar Signs: Seth, Horus

Colors for women: red orange

Colors for men: violet

Geb as a God within the pantheon acted as a sort of mediator, coming in to overlook agreements and pledges to make sure they were of good intentions. With that information it’s not hard to see why he was representative of a guardian of life, a sweet, submissive, and peaceful image. People born in his stead are often writers, administrators, or counselors. They can be highly sensitive and very impressionable. Empathy can run at an all-time high with the way Geb raises those born under his name above the sins of vanity.

Horus

Dates: Apr 20 - May 7, Aug 12-19

Similar signs: Geb, Bastet

Colors for men: carmine red

Colors for women: gold

Those born beneath Horus’ wing have fierce, intense personalities, highlighted by an intelligence that easily attracts people to them. The width and variety of their knowledge can give them an ‘all-knowing’ image to an outsider. In order to reach the full potential of Horus, they must learn to control their rebellious tendencies early on before they get too far ahead of themselves. They may have a special respect or appreciation for mothers and wives.

Isis

Dates: Mar 11-31, Oct 18-29, Dec 19-31

Similar signs: Osiris, Thoth

Colors for women: blue

Colors for men: white

Isis is another Goddess considered a mother Goddess—a protector of innocents. People born under Isis earn her special protection and tend to have an air of hospitality about them. It woild be well advised for these people to seek out positions in life in which you will be able to protect or give life. Judge people fairly and be receptive, but keep your standards.

Mut

Dates: Jan 22-31, Sep 8-22

Similar signs: Ra, Thoth

Colors for men: brown

Colors for women: carmine

People born under the sign of Mut adopt many of the Goddesses’ traits, which can result in a melancholic, sometimes secretive persona. They have a shyness that can create frustration when it comes to their romantic and sexual life. Still, they contain within themselves a rich inner life, and can have lots of wisdom to give. They may find themselves, throughout life, searching for the goodwill of others and the protection of a father figure.

The Nile (mine!)

Dates: Jan 1-7, Jun 19-28, Sept 1-7, Nov 19-26

Similar signs: Ra, Seth

Colors for women: Deep blue

Colors for men: Vivid red

Those born under the Nile are peacemakers and lovers of the finer things in life. They believe they owe it to themselves to live in an awakened and aware state. The Nile watches over all—the resurrection of Osiris, the defeat of Seth, and the forming glory of Horus. People of the Nile are wise from this, tolerant of many different types of people, and have the capability of an extreme tenderness towards others. They want to be free from the bonds of ignorance but, like how the Nile brings both fertile earth and corrosive silt, they can be a victim to the everchanging tides of their emotions.

Osiris

Dates: Mar 1-10, Nov 27 - Dec 18

Similar signs: Isis, Thoth

Colors for men: yellow

Colors for women: green

These people may have two distinct sides of themselves. Despite that, they are kindly prone to generosity towards others. They have a passionate, fiery pull within them, but can simultaneously be quite vulnerable. When faced with a predicament, they may find difficulty in acting in both a quick and wise manner.

Sekhmet

Dates: Jul 29 - Aug 11, Oct 30 - Nov 7

Similar signs: Bastet, Geb

Colors for women: turquoise

Colors for men: green

Those born under Sekhmet are observant, somewhat controlling, and at times, very telepathic. Very rarely do they indulge in their deeper desires. Their sense of right and wrong can be muddled in their head. Despite that they have an intense inner, and often outer, beauty, occupying themselves with an unearthly gracefulness.

Seth

Dates: May 28 - Jun 18, Sep 28 - Oct 2

Similar signs: Geb, the Nile

Colors for men: blue turquoise

Colors for women: black

Seth is a curious God, and despite the inherent darkness surrounding him in most Egyptian mythology, he is not a truly ‘evil’ God. Those born under his sign are free spirits, like Seth, and are wanderers, also like Seth. They search for an innate wholeness and believe they can find that in the surroundings they find themselves in. Oftentimes they must endure hardships and go through many adventures before finding that part of themselves. Once they feel complete, though, they have an intense inner power. They easily learn from their mistakes and possess a strong sense of tenacity.

Thoth

Dates: April 1-19, Nov 8-17

Similar signs: Bastet, Isis

Colors for women: white

Colors for men: pink

Similar to Thoth, those born under his wing are enthusiastic and inventive. Mediocrity in themselves and others can have a tendency to frustrate them. Even with that though, they scorn any type of meanness towards others. They have a tendency to take brave risks that can either harm them or further themselves as people. They abhor losing their sense of the world, and misdoing others.

#ancient egypt #ancient history #egyptian astrology #astrology #egyptian mythology #egyptian gods #ancient egyptian astrology

[kodzukyan]

two hearts, four broken pieces (now we’re unbreakable)

notes: happiest belated birthday to my grand king <3 lots of (long?) dialogue, long talks at the beach, kinda clunky, but i hope you enjoy :> song accompaniment recommendation: unbreakable by lauren dyson (carole & tuesday) & everything i need by skylar grey! also posted on ao3.

summary: you were there like the air when i felt like i was underwater. AU in which you have matching birthmarks on your heart as your soulmate. - oikawa/oc

wc: 6.2k

The clock ticks continually as you finish reviewing the club budget for the upcoming school year. As the last rays of the sun begin to dim into a darkening blue, the clock rings loudly, signaling the end of club activities. The other student council members routinely leave by five, and after a quick goodbye and wave, two hours pass by without you knowing. You glance at your watch, and you sigh softly as you see the shorthand reach seven.

There are still numbers that do not add up, but you suppose that has to wait. Getting up to stretch, you automatically head to the keys cabinet to see which keys are still missing. As usual, the keys to the volleyball gym have yet to be returned.

Like any other day, you sigh again. This is a rather normal occurrence as the volleyball team tends to stay as late as you do. Normally, you don't mind since it’s not a big deal - you’re usually still here to lock up after they leave. Today, however, you’re rather exhausted and would like to finish up your report and just go home. Putting on your white blazer and patting down the wrinkles of your tan skirt, you make certain you’re presentable before you head out of the room and towards the volleyball gym.

A resounding smack reverberates through the air before you even enter the gym. You knock twice on the gym doors, and when there is no answer, you open the doors soundlessly and enter the gym. The gym is unoccupied except for one lone player, making the echoes of each movement louder. 

He doesn’t notice you, and as you see him jump to hit a serve, you are in awe by the strength and impact of it as it lands. It astonishes you a little to discover the normally flirty eyes and teasing smiles with such intense concentration and seriousness. When you see a faint smile on his face as his serve lands within the lines of the court, you wonder if this is what he really is like. As he recovers another ball to try again, you clear your throat. This time, you catch his attention, somewhat.

“Sorry, Iwa-chan! You don’t have to wait for me. I’m almost done!” he calls out, eyes never leaving the court.

“Sorry, Oikawa-san. I am not Iwaizumi-san. While I do have to say I am extremely impressed with your tenacity, I am afraid it's late and time for you to go home,” you say politely with a perfectly practiced smile on your face.

The ball he tossed into the air previously drops straight down onto the floor and bounces as he hears your voice. He jerks his head towards you, and you almost want to laugh when you see his gaping mouth.

“Oh, Pres-chan! I wasn’t expecting you!” he recovers swiftly, a hand behind his head and his tongue sticking out humorously.

Ah, he’s back to his normal self.

“Apologies again,” you nod, a courteous smile never leaving your face, despite your slight disdain for your new nickname. You’ve learned it is easiest to deal with people with a perfect smile, lips upturned slightly at a 45-degree angle and eyes crinkled together lightly.

He stares at you intensely as you smile. While his eyes are analytical enough to press anyone under, it doesn’t bother you because you are used to such scrutiny.

“I’ll pack up! Pres-chan, wait for me! I’ll walk you home since it’s so late.” He finally softens in his stares and begins picking up the balls around the court.

“No need to worry about me, Oikawa-san. There are still some matters for me to finish up at the student council room,” you assure him courteously despite your mild annoyance at your stray strand of hair that fell out of your neat ponytail as you tuck it behind your ear.

“No, no! I insist! It’s so late, so it’s dangerous for cute girls like you, Pres-chan!” he protests as he continues cleaning.

You begin assisting him to pick up the balls and grab the mops to clean up the gym. The more hands there are, the faster you two get to leave. After cleaning up the gym and returning the keys to the student council room, you continue to decline his offer of walking you home. Being around him for a little less than 30 minutes has already tired you, but you find it more draining to talk him out of it so you just relent.

He accompanies you back to your house at your pace, constantly filling the silence with some sort of conversation. He seems to recognize your need for distance, so he keeps the conversation light, never diving in deeper than what you are willing to give. You respond as amiable as you could with this surface-level sort of conversation. This is comfortable, this is straightforward, this is not about who you are, so you find it easy to keep up your practiced smile and pleasantry. 

For what it’s worth, you can understand why he’s so popular. He’s attractive, and his personality is tolerable enough. But something about him is slightly unpleasant to you. You have an inkling of what it is, but you’re not ready to open the tightly sealed jar of emotions yet.

When you reach your stop and he bids you goodbye, you find yourself face to face with your cousin, who just squeals and questions you.

“Who is he?” she exclaims loudly, far too energetic for so late at night. “What if he is your soulmate?!”

You smile tersely, “He is just a classmate.”

She only looks at you in confusion. “Eh? You never know! Did you already see his mark?”

You flash her a practiced smile as you excuse yourself.

“No, I was born without one.” 

---

You like routine. This is something you’ve established for as long as you remember. If things are set in place, set in stone, then they are less likely to fall apart, to break.

So when walking home with Oikawa Tooru stays as a recurring part of your days, it makes you uneasy.

This is not part of your normal routine. But you suppose him returning the volleyball gym keys instead of you wrestling him for them is also not part of your normal routine.

“You know, for someone so smart, you’re kind of dumb."

You finally look up from your papers. Your pen still in hand, eyes in disbelief, and voice laced with venom as you hiss, “Excuse me?”

“Pres-chan, even I know when to stop. It's nearly 8 in the evening. Your body needs rest so you can function as efficiently as you always want to,” he rolls his eyes as he air-quotes the word efficiently. The volleyball gym keys jingle in his hand as he does so, and the sound of it aggravates your headache.

"This is coming from the one who stays behind two hours every day after club activity ends? Stop trying to preach what you don’t practice." Your grip on your pen tightens.

"I take Mondays off," he shrugs and offers a lopsided smile. There's a serious glint in his eyes despite his casual gestures.

You know he's right because the keys to the volleyball club always hang neatly and untouched every Monday. You know he's right when you finally let yourself feel the tiredness in your body. You know he's right when your headache finally catches up to you, but you simply cannot completely let go.

Maybe he sees your sagging shoulders and weary eyes, so he doesn't press the matter anymore. He hangs the clubroom keys in the cabinet before he walks over.

"You can rest, you know?"

You do, but you can't. Not when there are so many reports to fill out and papers to file, not when the club budgeting still isn't adding up, not when you have to be the you that your father created inside his head. Your brows cease together as your head throbs. Before you could respond, you feel a gentle pat on your head that brings you out of your thoughts.

"You're doing great, Pres-chan. Take a break," he speaks softly as he strokes your head.

You close your eyes at his touch, and you relish in his gentleness. For someone with such calloused hands, his touch is surprisingly tender. His voice sounds distant, and it feels like he's speaking past you, like he's speaking to whoever he sees in place of you. You think maybe this is what you needed anyways, this is what you want to hear even if he’s speaking to himself through you.

"Take a nap. I'll wake you up in 20 minutes," he ruffles your hair, messing up your perfectly tied ponytail.

You glance at him briefly, and his stupid smile irritates you. Maybe your headache is getting the better of you, maybe you’re just too tired, but you find yourself nodding as your shoulders finally drop in defeat. "10 minutes."

He laughs as he agrees, and when you finally lay your head down and close your eyes, you briefly feel the warmth of his jersey before you drift off.

When you wake, you find that Oikawa is sitting beside you, humming a soft tune as he scrolls on his phone. It takes you a moment to blink the sleep out of your eyes, and then it occurs to you that he never woke you up. Your eyes flutter to the clock, and when you see that it's a little past 9, you panic. You shoot instantly up from your seat, and your sudden movement leaves you dizzy as the world around you rapidly spins in color. Oikawa stops mid-hum as looks up from his phone before he secures your arm to steady you.

"Holy shit, I thought I told you to wake me up in 10 minutes. The papers need to be filed so we can work on the report due next week. I need to finish the reports, so I can turn them in on Friday. The budgeting excel -."

"Pres-chan." He cuts you off as he takes his hand off your arm and pokes your forehead. "I filed the papers on your desk. They go into their respective color-coded drawers, right? And the reports are just club updates, yeah? I arranged them by club type, so you can just sort through them later. Also, I put the volleyball club on top, so get to us first, okay?" he teases lightly and sticks his tongue out mischievously. "I didn't mess with your budgeting excel because it's not my place to, but don't you think you can ask your treasurer to explain their budgeting and money management so far?"

You blink at him in silence as you take in all the information he told you. You glance over at your desk and see the piles of loose paper gone. In place are new stacks of reports clipped together with the assortment of pastel paper clips you brought last month on a whim. Your surprise overtakes you as you let out a shaky breath. 

"Oh," you whisper, breath still quivering and voice slightly trembling. "Thank you."

You make a mental note to double-check everything again in the morning, just in case. That thought almost flies out of your head when you glance over, and the smile he flashes you is so bright you almost forget how to breathe.

"You're welcome."

When he accompanies you home that night, your steps feel a little lighter and your heart soars a little higher as you catch a glimpse of his profile, eyes fixated on the stars above as he tells you stories of constellations and aliens. 

---

While you’re not an avid volleyball fan, witnessing their defeat to Karasuno in such a close match, watching the light in their eyes dim into a quiet somber crush on your heart. When the match was over and they asked for the keys to the gym, you gave it to them without hesitation although the gym is supposed to be closed for cleaning later today.

Throughout the hours, you find yourself unable to completely focus on the paperwork in front of you. Your eyes keep trailing to the empty key slot where the gym keys are supposed to be, and your ears are fixated on each tick of the clock. Fidgeting with your pen, you finally give in and let out an uneven sigh when the clock rings eight. After smoothing out your skirt and blazer and retying your neat ponytail, you make your way to the gym.

As always, you knock on the doors before coming in. Only silence greets you.

The gym is vacant, and the cheering crowds and rest of the volleyball team members have long gone home after their spontaneous practice. Volleyballs are still scattered everywhere, the net is still up, but none of that matters as your eyes focus on the lone figure lingering in this solemn, almost crushing, silence.

His eyes are downcast, but you can tell from the hitching movement of his chest and the pooling puddle in his lap that he hasn't stopped crying. There is so much you want to tell him, but no words come to you. You’re not even sure if you’re in a position to say anything, but when you see him sitting there defeated and crying silently, a split image of yourself instead of him appears for a moment. The tightly sealed jar of emotions you’ve repeatedly tried to suppress opens.

"You don't have to be perfect, you know?" you tell him softly.

He doesn't look up and only clenches his fists.

You pat the creases out of your skirt as you squat down, hands gently touching his before clasping them firmly. The words burn in the back of your throat as your eyes tear because you know. You know this feeling, this absolutely crushing feeling when all you have is taken away and you’re just left with nothing. Maybe you’re projecting your failures onto him, maybe this is just what you wanted to hear, but you tell him all the same.

"You're so much more than just your losses," you whisper with gentle firmness, "This is not the end. Not for you. Not for your volleyball."

His calloused hands only grip yours tightly as his silent tears fall and roll off your skin.

"You are not your failures."

You barely detect the sound of him letting out a deep breath, but he squeezes your hands. It may not be enough, it may not be okay, but it’s a start.

As the two of you sit in silence, you can merely laugh at yourself for ever thinking Oikawa Tooru was anywhere close to perfect. He is incredibly fragile, human, and unlike a star that you thought you could never reach, he is here beside you. He sniffles every so often, and when every so often becomes more often than not, you laugh lightly and offer him a tissue.

He accepts it with a sniffle, and as he blows his nose, you could only crinkle your nose.

“Ew, you’re gross,” you lightly poke fun at him.

“I was going to say thank you, but I take it back now,” he gasps dramatically.

You roll your eyes as you offer him the rest of your tissues. “It’s fine. I don’t need your thanks. Just… feel better.”

“Thank you,” he whispers anyway as he props his head on yours.

---

You hear three knocks, two fast knocks, a pause as if it’s left for drastic effects, before the third knock, in a familiar rhythm. Instantly, the wooden doors of the student council room open, and brown hair and honey-colored eyes peek in.

“Wanna do something fun with me, Pres-chan?” Oikawa asks, eyes brilliant and smile equally mischievous.

"... Depends on what it is," you raise an eyebrow at him as you look up from finishing some preparations for university. You've substantially given up trying to advise him to wait before barging into the student council room.

He wiggles his eyebrows before he grins. “Let’s go to the rooftop!"

It takes you a moment to comprehend what he said because while it’s not that crazy, the rooftop is off-limits to students. Subsequently, it occurs to you that out of your three years here, you've under no circumstances done anything remotely rebellious. The adrenaline hits you, so you snatch the keys to the rooftop before heading out the door.

"Alright, let's go."

He freezes before his mouth drops and gasps dramatically. "Heh, Pres-chan, looks like you really aren't that much of a good girl after all."

You roll your eyes at him, and a soft smile finds a way to your face before you walk out. "Hurry up, or I'm leaving you behind."

"Wait for me!!" You hear the scampering footsteps, and you swear you can hear his pout.

This is the first time you’ve ever been on the rooftop, you think, as you finally unlock the door and step out into the sun. It’s a little past seven, and you think the sun is going to set soon as it slowly fades behind the Miyagi skylines in bursts of orange. You close your eyes as the wind blows, almost as if it’s greeting you. You can see why people skip all the time to be up here. 

“Feels pretty good, huh?” Oikawa stands beside you as the wind tousles his hair and the sun kisses his skin. He looks radiant under the sunlight, and you merely hope he doesn’t hear the fluttering of your heart.

“Yeah,” you nod along, “I… I wish I came up here earlier.

Honey brown eyes so deep and warm, staring directly at you, and there is something that you’re terrified to name. You always thought love was something dramatic, once in a lifetime, and it just hits you like a train out of nowhere. With Oikawa Tooru, it feels more like learning to walk - steadily, one step after another, until he becomes a part of your natural routine.

You can see the longing and something akin to love in his eyes, but you know it's not love. You know when he loves, he loves with all his being. Right now, there is something, but it's not love because he sees not only you but also past you. He sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the future where he's standing on a volleyball court with his name on the back of a national team jersey. He sees the passion and the love he has for volleyball beyond you, and even when he's here in the moment, even when he likes you, he sees something greater.

Your heart clenches because you want it to be you, you want you, this to be enough. But you know he is meant for something so much greater. He is meant for the stage lights of an international court, living and thriving with so much passion and love for the sport he dedicates his life to. He is unmeant to be here, to be held back by something called love.

You try ignoring the way his eyes soften when he looks at you, try ignoring the way his eyes linger at your lips as if he wants to kiss you. You try ignoring your yearning heart when all you can hear in your head is him telling you he's going to Argentina.

“You’re going to do great in Argentina.” You swallow the lump in your throat and interlace your own fingers together to prevent yourself from reaching out and holding his hand.

He blinks, and slowly retracts his extended hand, and swallows the words he wants to tell you. “Oh, uhm,” he hesitates. “Geez, Pres-chan! Don’t make it sound like we’re never going to see each other again!” he pouts dramatically, voice creaking just ever so slightly and eyes lacking the playful glint in it. “We’ll see each other again.”

He sounds hesitant, almost as if he’s doubtful if he can uphold the words of a promise. He doesn’t deserve to be held back by a promise.

You let him go.

It’s funny because you don’t even think he is yours to let go, but you smile anyway as you catch his unfaltering eyes back on the sunset. He is the one who teaches you a little bit about being okay, the one who first opens the tightly sealed jar and lets a gale of fresh air into your world.

“Thank you,” you tell him softly. Your hand finds its way to him, fingertips ghosting over his hand almost as if you didn’t just reject his moments ago.

The wind blows softly, and the blooming cherry blossoms flutter as he blinks in confusion before he smiles crookedly too. In a world where you are braver, you would have voiced the three words lingering on your mind instead of the two that came out, and your lips would have been on his instead of settling for a ghost of a touch of hands. But in this world, this is all you can do, all you can intend for.

Instead, the two of you continue to stand in silence, sharing this one last moment where he can stand on both legs without leaning to his left to accommodate for his right knee, where you can laugh in a loose smile and ruffled hair without feeling the need to fix them. It’s satisfactory, you tell yourself, this is enough.

While he may not be your soulmate, while you have no soulmate mark, it hurts all the same. Your heart still breaks as the falling sunlight fades into the deep indigo skies, as he waves goodnight, as you watch him go with the world on his shoulders and wings on his back. The hollowness in your chest aches, and you wonder if this is what heartbreak feels like.

---

“Funny, huh? Out of all the people in the world, out of all the places in the world, I end up meeting you on an Argentinian beach, thousands of miles away from home,” you stifle your laughter softly.

The hot summer wind blows into your unbound hair, bringing grains of sand and the scent of the ocean. The shore calls you, and you find yourself wiggling your toes in the clear waters. As you look to the horizon, you find that the crystalline waters contrast vividly against the soft pinks and oranges of the fading sun.  It’s so surreal, and it makes you momentarily forget that there are responsibilities, people waiting for you back at home. 

The faint rustling and the loud splash of water wake you from your trance, and you find Oikawa Tooru running into the waters carefreely. His pants are roughly rolled up just barely above the water level. His eyes are tender and his smile is wide as he holds his hand out to you.

“Come on, Pres-chan,” he gestures his hand in front of you again. “The water feels really nice!”

You take a moment to breathe because he looks beautiful with his brown eyes twinkling mischievously and lips upturned jovially and carefreely against the fleeting sunset. You smile once more, lips upturn softly instead of the traditional 45 degrees, as the last strands of your hair frees from your hair tie. 

You briefly remember being eighteen, standing on the rooftop of your high school. His hand is extended, but you were too afraid to take it, too afraid to become a burden. You blink once and think maybe this time, he should have a say in his own decisions instead of you selfishly making it for him. You take his hand, hesitantly and shyly, as you take your first steps into the water.

Time stills as your eyes meet his brown ones. He stares at you dumbfoundedly, and you are unsure if the pinks of his cheeks are from you or the sunset.

“You look happier,” he finally comments softly, “I’m glad.”

Now it’s your turn to stare at him dumbfoundedly. Your hand covers a slight laugh that breaks from your lips. You take in his wind-tousled chestnut hair and eyes closed from his laughter, his muscular body that no longer tends to lean on his left side absentmindedly to protect his right knee, and you realize he is more genuine, more candid, more Oikawa Tooru than the one you’ve known since high school.

“You do too.”

”Wanna grab drinks after?” Oikawa asks nonchalantly as the two of you finally make your way out of the water and sit under the broad umbrella from the blazing sun. His long legs are stretched out as he leans back, hands propping him up.

Despite his relaxed posture and even voice, you see his fingers wiggling in the sand and the pinks peeking on his cheeks and the tip of his ears. It almost makes you laugh because you’re certain you can reckon on one hand how many times Oikawa Tooru seems so timid.

“I mean”- he continues, taking your silence as a declination, -“just as friends, to catch up, you know? How have you been? Oh! What about your cousin? Didn’t she -”

“Okay,” you laugh lightly. “I’d be happy to.”

“-Oh, now that I think about it, what did you end up doing- wait -” he pauses mid-sentence as he stares at you bewilderedly, ”-okay?”

“Yes,” you laugh again, much louder and without restraint. “Okay.”

“Okay,” he repeats after you again.

“Yes, okay.” You nod.

The smile he gives you is so bright it outshines the sun.

---

"So, how are you?" he asks again once you're seated beside him, a beer in hand and dusk in view.

You offered a general answer earlier, and it started a train of small talk that never breaches past the surface. It reminds you of high school and leaves a bitter aftertaste in your mouth. 

The beach in Argentina is always full of life, but it's quieter now. Maybe it's the fact that it's getting late or the fact that you're on your third beer already, all you can focus on is the man beside you.

Maybe you're more honest now too because he looks like he wants to ask more. (Like he asks “how are you?” when all his eyes are saying is “I love you.”)

"I threw my phone into the ocean and got in a screaming match with my dad," you tell him honestly.

You can feel his gaze on you as he lets out a soft hum to let you know he's listening. It used to unnerve you whenever he looks at you like that, whenever he makes you feel so transparent. Now, it makes you smile because he always makes you feel so seen.

"He told me to be all these things that I am not because he wanted me to have a good life. I know his intentions and know it makes him happy. But I was so fed up with just constantly not being enough for who he wanted me to be, so I told him I just wanted to be his daughter."

You don't realize your hands are shaking until you feel his hands on yours. He pulls the beer bottle out of your hands before he places them into his own and squeezes them.

"And what did he say?" he asks softly, recalling all the late nights and the mask you put on at school in the name of a shadow that always looms over you. He remembers the instant drop of your face whenever your father comes up, when the words duty and filial piety become a burden instead of pride on your shoulders.

"He just kinda stared at me and stopped talking. I think it didn't occur to him that this was a thought in my head. I cried a lot." You squeeze his hands back.

"Yeah, I'm glad you gave him a piece of your mind, though." His voice is gentle as his thumb brushes over your knuckles.

"He cut me fruit after, so I think we're okay," you laugh awkwardly as you flash him a smile. "I think I'm okay."

He smiles too when he notices your smile is a lot freer now, that the corners of your lips are no longer locked in place and forced in front of fake pleasantries. Maybe he's freer now too, he thinks as he looks at the brightly lit skies, as he continues his volleyball journey, feeling so fulfilled despite being thousands of miles away from home. 

"I used to think I wasn't good enough," he starts honestly with a small laugh. "No matter how hard I work, I could never be enough compared to geniuses who just get it." 

“I used to think you were so put together when I initially met you, like the universe's spotlight was meant for you,” you hum. “Until I realized you were the reason why the volleyball gym keys were never returned on time.”

He laughs light-heartedly. “Hey, I had an image to keep up, okay?”

You tuck in your knees and prop your head on top of them, eyes never leaving his, hand still in his. “I think I realized you were a lot more reachable, human even, when I saw you broke down after losing to Karasuno our third year.”

“Are you deriving comfort in my pain? How rude!” He pouts. “But I somewhat get it. I used to think you were super snobby with your fake smiles and your super tight ponytail. I used to think you were going to be balding early!”

“You were the one who habitually had a hoard of fangirls around you, and nobody could get anyplace in the hallways!” You retort with a fond smile.

Memories of high school seem so long ago, and as you recall each one, you see the light in his eyes waning and waxing with the tides. The feelings you try so hard to bury, the ones you try to let go of the day he set off to Argentina bubble through your chest and flow onto your lips.

"I think I was too scared to love you," you finally whisper as the moon rises and the waves kiss the shore.

He stares at you and blinks once, twice, before he breathes a soft, “Oh.”

You finally take your eyes off him, hand finally wiggling its way out of his to encase yourself as you bury your face in your knees. “I wanted to be enough. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t for my dad, wasn’t for myself, wasn’t for you.”

He leans closer and brushes a strand of loose hair off your face. “You are always enough. For your dad, for yourself,” he pauses and smiles gently, “And you are more than enough for me.”

You peek at him through your lashes. The ocean waves drown out the sound of your heartbeat as he stares at you earnestly, eyes honest and lips so, so close.

“I didn’t want you to regret me,” you whisper, voice barely audible, “I didn’t want to be someone who holds you back from your dreams. I didn’t want to be just temporary until you find your soulmate.”

His eyes widen, but he persists steadily close. “I don’t think I could ever regret you. My dreams will always be the national court, but you being there, by my side, would be the best part of it.”

He takes a breath as he reaches for your hand, much like he did at the rooftop of your high school.

“I was born without a soulmate mark. Initially, I was so upset because I thought no one would love me unconditionally like a soulmate is supposed to. But honestly, fuck that. Fuck soulmates. Fuck some pre-destined person supposedly made for you because no one is. We are in control of our own fate, and we are in control of whom we choose to love. And I like you Pres-chan. I have since I was eighteen and dumb. I still like you now at twenty and still a little dumb. But no matter how old I am, how old I will be, it’s always you. I will always choose to love you.”

You breathe in sharply as you listen to his words, every sound and syllable clear as his eyes as he looks at you, only you. There is only truth in his words, and as your eyes wander from his to his hand and back to his eyes, the overwhelming amount of sincerity overwhelms you. 

Oikawa Tooru has always been dedicated in all that he does, and the thought that he is offering you that very same dedicated heart of his becomes a consuming warmth in your chest. The heat of your fluttering heart radiates off your cheeks, and the feeling that has been blossoming in your heart blooms into an indescribable softness and affection.

Love has perpetually been something out of reach, something you witness in movies and read in books, something you witness in your friends and cousin. But love is here now, in the form of Oikawa Tooru with his hands stretched out for you to take, with his heart bare and exposed for you to have.

“I was born without a soulmate mark too. I used to hate it because it felt like it was another thing I was lacking in. I wasn’t even enough to have a soulmate,” you breathe out, eyes on the ocean that reflects on the moonlight. The last bits of the tightly sealed jar of emotions you’ve kept finally flows out.

“But if soulmates do exist, I would like to think they are made. Not in the sense that they are made for each other, because fuck destiny, but in the sense that we wake up every morning and choose who fits us and how they fit. And whatever this is we have between us, we forged it,” you start firmly as you place your hand in his, eyes meeting his. The last bit of bitterness flows into the sea, and the only thing that remains at the bottom of this jar is hope.

“I like you too, Oikawa. I have since I was eighteen and smart. I still do at twenty and moderately smarter but still trying to figure life out. And I don’t know what the future holds or even what I’m doing to do from here on, but I want it to be you.”

“I want it to be you too. I can’t promise you the world or where our lives will lead from here onwards. What I can promise is I will choose you, from the moment I wake up until the moment I sleep, from now until the end of the ocean.”

A promise, his truth. While the unknown horrifies you, this is enough. You smile as you squeeze his hand. When he grins and squeezes your hand back, you think maybe love is irrevocably here to stay.

---

“What were you before you met me?” He takes one of your hands in his and uses his other in an attempt to tame your unconstrained hair against the wind. He pouts when he finds that your hair just blows wildly and gives up, but he smiles, nonetheless, when he hears your unrestrained laughter.

You shake your hair out of your face and turn to face him, hair blowing wildly and freely with the wind. You tear your eyes away from slow waves of the ocean, illuminated by the brilliant reds and oranges of the setting sun, and you find yourself more captivated by glowing brown eyes than you ever could by the dazzling colors of the horizon. 

You stare briefly at him, looking into his eyes and seeing his relentless soul, and the butterflies in your stomach flutter like they did the very first time, feeling absolutely starstruck. You hum softly as you turn back to the peaceful waves and remember the tight ponytails and painted smiles of your high school days. You remember the weight on your shoulders to become someone ideal and the heaviness on your heart to become a you that only lives to make your father proud.

“I think... I was drowning,” you answer almost inaudibly but honestly, both hands gripping his tightly as if you’re holding a lifeline.

He pauses for a moment before he squeezes your hands again. He whispers then, reluctantly and almost fearfully, “And what are you now?”

You turn to meet his eyes. You recall him at seventeen and feeling annoyed because he mirrored every bit of the pretense you put up in all the undesirable ways. But you see him now, twenty and free of the inferiority and limitations he places on himself, and you wonder if you also look older, wiser, happier because you are now the you you want to be.

You have always associated him with air because he is terrible and unpredictable, destructive and clear, focused and silent. But he is also comforting and calm, like an invisible force, who's consistently going and going, with unhindered sight. He is always persistently here and cannot be turned away, and before long, you find yourself not knowing what to do without it.

At the moment, you find the last bits of the riptides that pull you under the waters finally cease, and as you enjoy the scent of the salty ocean and hear the lull of the gentle waves, you think you can finally breathe freely and vivaciously.

Slowly, you take a hand to trace the outline of the miniature matching sun tattooed on his chest, where the soulmate mark is supposed to appear. You smile undoubtedly and wholeheartedly.

“Water.”

---

you’re what i need cause now i can breathe; you put the beat in my heart. somehow we fit together, and now we’re unbreakable. 

#oikawa x reader #oikawa x you #oikawa tooru x reader #oikawa tooru x you #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu fluff #oikawa fluff #oikawa toru x reader #oikawa toru x you #happy birthday to my mf grand king <3 #slightly late because tumblr was being dumb </3 #please give unbreakable from carole and tuesday a listen! :') #this has been sitting in my drafts since october lmfao pls take it before i hate it even more pain #sorry for the choppiness </3 #sometimes i write things #soulmates au series #text

[gra-sonas]

Day after day this summer, with covid-19 shuttering much of the world, Lily Cowles would enter a small sewing room in her family’s 18th century home in Northwest Connecticut, crawl inside some blankets, and scream. Along with her wails, she’d repeat the same phrases, over and over — all part of a daily ritual that spanned some four hours, until a collection of voices told her they were satisfied. Then she would collect herself, climb out from the blankets and greet her boyfriend who could hear her through the walls in the next room.

“Man, you died a lot of ways today,” he’d say.

“I don’t know why they killed me so bad,” Cowles would reply.

Such were the unusual conditions for Cowles and others when recording the dialogue — and other vocalizations — for the upcoming game “Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War,” the newest addition to the famed and fanciful war sim series. The blanket-draped fort served as the actress’s workstation, with a host of audio producers providing directions via video conference. Occasionally those instructions included imagining a wide variety of fates for her character, requiring lengthy sessions capturing death cries. All of it was part of a months-long, pandemic-related process to produce the game, one that proved both challenging in its never-before-done nature and cathartic for its ample opportunities to exorcise the many anxieties of 2020.

“It just felt so good to scream for that long,” said Cowles, who plays MI-6 operative Helen Park and supplied the character’s voice for both the game’s story and multiplayer modes. She recalled one session in which the game’s audio producers recorded her falling from a 30-story building. “I was like, ‘can we make it 40 floors? I could really use the extra 10 [stories] of just straight screaming.’ It just felt like a real relief.”

The unorthodox routine was shared by “Cold War’s” cast of 125 actors as they pivoted to follow safety protocols related to the novel coronavirus, which temporarily shut down the game’s production in March. The latest installment in the Call of Duty franchise, releasing Nov. 13, was completed with both developers and actors working remotely and overcoming a variety of logistical challenges.

“At the time [in March, when covid cases escalated in the United States] we thought it might be like 20 people or 50 percent of the studio who would have to work from home, and maybe that would be for like two weeks,” Dan Vondrak, Senior Creative Director at Raven Software, said. “And then it was everybody. … In my head, I was thinking, if this thing lasts six to eight weeks, we can’t get it done. That’s impossible.”

For Cowles and the game’s other actors, that meant recording lines of dialogue — and their many screams — from the confines of their homes. That process normally would be captured in large part during live shoots using motion capture suits on a studio sound stage. During the pandemic, capturing those recordings provided a unique challenge for narrative producer Natalie Pohorski and her team.

“One of those areas I thought we were just dead in the water was the external talent [voice overs],” Vondrak said. “I can’t have actors go into a studio. So, how is this going to work? And what Natalie and the narrative team did to get that to work and have people recording at home was unbelievable.”

Before dispersing from the studio, Pohorski and Vondrak estimated they had between 50 and 60 percent of the voice over work finalized. Working with their partners at Activision (the game’s publisher) and Treyarch (“Cold War’s” co-developer), Pohorski and her team shipped the actors crates filled with recording equipment that included helmets wired with microphones, sound mixing boards and materials to improve the acoustics around their homes.

“They sent me this giant Pelican briefcase that looked like I’m an arms dealer,” Cowles said.

Veteran actor Bruce Thomas, who plays the role of CIA agent Russell Adler in the game, already had a 5-foot-by-5-foot sound booth he’d constructed in his apartment adjacent to his kitchen. He’d used it to previously to record voice overs, including for some commercials, but he’d never recorded himself there quite so regularly — or at quite the same volume level. To that end, he sought to get ahead of any potential problems with a kind gesture and a heads-up for his neighbors about any yells they may hear through the walls.

“I delivered cookies and a little note to their doors right next to me and below me,” Thomas said. “I just moved here in January, so I hadn’t really met them yet, and I got a text message from the person below me who was like, ‘Oh my God! You do that for a living? How cool is that? Even if I hear you, don’t worry about it.’”

The conditions also required the actors to perform another role as well: that of audio engineer, recording and tinkering with sound levels to ensure quality and consistency. The studio’s engineers would call actors and walk them through proper setups and troubleshoot issues, but when something went wrong, the actors would have to be the ones to fix it manually. Turns out CIA operatives have the same tech troubles as other remote workers.

“Because of covid, everybody’s home and sharing bandwidth,” Thomas said about the Internet connection in his apartment building. “Sometimes it would just cut right out [during an online recording session]. And sometimes when that happens, a glitch will happen on your laptop and so you have to reboot it.”

The recording process consisted of four sessions per day, every day of the week, according to Pohorski, who also noted they wrapped at a similar time compared to what they’d anticipated in their pre-pandemic production schedule, even as they navigated challenges that would have been easily addressed in their usual studio setting.

“To not be able to just walk up and touch the screen and act out what I was talking about … ‘I want the guy’s head to turn this way,’ … I was trying to do it real time in a video camera,” Vondrak said. “Just the communication of that last 20 percent [of the game] was probably the most difficult.”

The on-the-fly evolution of several standardized processes did carry some fringe benefits, according to both the developers and actors. On the development team, Vondrak noted some people seemed more willing to contribute their opinions to the creative process when they didn’t feel the pressure of speaking up in a formal meeting. For the actors, Cowles said her isolated, remote location led her to take more chances with her character.

“I think I was able to make facial expressions and noises that, in a normal setting, my body would be like, ‘Don’t, don’t, don’t. You don’t want to make that noise. Don’t make that face,’" Cowles said. “But I was alone in this thing, and you know, the context in which we’re working [as characters] is this crazy war zone where horrible things are going down. Right? And no one in that situation is thinking about the sound they’re making or the face that they’re making. … I think that led to a degree of authenticity in my work.”

Another silver lining, according to Vondrak, was the increased flexibility in scheduling follow-up sessions for VO work. Oftentimes VO recording sessions are pegged to specific times of the year when the developers can gather all the actors in one place and free them from their other projects. (For example, Thomas is also the motion capture actor for Master Chief for the upcoming game “Halo: Infinite.”) With everyone working from home, the actors’ schedules became more flexible.

“It was like, wait a minute, we can just go back to these people and have them pop out of their family room, into their closet and record some VO lines,” Vondrak said. “Normally it would have been like, ‘We need some new lines.’ And [the schedulers] would have said, ‘Well, the next pick up session where everyone’s going to be in the studio is June.' It’s [normally] a very slow, formal process."

The flexibility did carry an occasional side effect of home life encroaching on the working world, and vice versa, often providing a uniquely 2020 kind of amusement.

Cowles remembered recording a scene in which her character laments the loss of one of her companions, screaming his name repeatedly as a helicopter whisks her away.

“I came out of the sewing room, and my boyfriend is like … ‘So, who is he?’” Cowles said. “I was like, ‘Don’t worry about it. He’s dead now.’”

#lily cowles #call of duty: black ops cold war #rnm cast interviews #helen park

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #260

“better think twice; your train of thought will be altered.”

Have you ever taken a shower with anyone before? I believe Nicole and I did as kids sometimes? Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Always. Wear your goddamn seatbelt, folks. Do you prefer to spend your time indoors or outdoors? Generally indoors, but it does depend on what I can do outside as well as the weather. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. I really can't remember if *I* ever kissed Girt. Do you just feel awkward when you dance? YIKES YUP, even when I was a dancer. Has the person you have feelings for ever told you that you’re attractive? Yes. Can you get over people easily? MOTHER OF FUCK, NO. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? No. Do you like to have long hair or short hair? SHORT. Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? Ugggghhhh, yes. Especially cuddling while falling sleep in the rain is everything. Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? Many times. Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents or someone else? Well, to a degree. I have artwork in here that I'm just self-conscious of others seeing, but I wouldn't DIE if my mom found them. They're not even really "hidden," just covered. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? Strawberry. Do you like hot-dogs? I wish I didn't. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? A fuckin hot leather, spiked choker with chains draped across it. It's just a bit tight on me now. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I skinned the shit out of my knees on the road as a kid, wound up with cuts near the bones. It was not, NOOOOOT pretty and took literally years for the scars to totally vanish. What song do you want played at your funeral? Probably "Life is Beautiful" by Sixx AM. How many keys are on your key chain? What do they go to? Just the one to the house. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? Not in the traditional sense. Before surgery, they obviously had to be sure via a urine sample, but otherwise, no. Would you rather live in a mansion or a small cozy home? Whew, the latter, easily. If you were offered to smoke some weed right now, would you accept? Nah. Do you get your eyebrows waxed, or do you pluck them? Neither, really. I just don't care; mine aren't awful, and it's too time-consuming and "required" too frequently for me to bother. They're just eyebrows. Do you and your last ex hate each other? Not at all. Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? Well yeah, we're best friends. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? I was literally a madly in love teenager, you can guess. How do you handle people who are overly enthusiastic all the time? "I don’t 'handle' them, they’re actually pretty cool to be around. I appreciate having that kind of energy around me because I don’t generate a whole lot of it myself and I want it to rub off." <<<< Exactly this. Do people say you look like a certain celebrity? Nah. Who do you think you look like? No one I know of. Ever loved someone who didn’t love you back? hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGALS;KDJFA;LKJEW Ever done karaoke? Did you like it? Nooooo sir. Ever seen a pregnant woman smoking/drinking? Yep. It was an occasion where I had to practice serious self-discipline to keep my mouth shut. :x What was the last piece of candy you ate? Miss Tobey brought me a Reese's yesterday morning so that. Nice breakfast lmao. Do you curse a lot? A real fucking lot. It's not intentional, it's just so ingrained in me as normal diction after being at Jason's so much when his mother is the definition of an Italian New Yorker and thus her son has a mouth too lmao. Personally, I don't believe in "profanity" in the traditional sense so it doesn't bother me in the way of "oh I'm saying too many bad words," I just know my dictionary is wider than "fuck" and "shit" oof. If you could be a Disney character for a day, who would you be? Probably like Kiara. Be a hot princess lion with a hot lion boyfriend and chill lion parents WOW am I a furry yet. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? Yeah, my friendship ring with Sara, a bracelet from her as well, and an ovarian cancer bracelet for my mom. Then tattoos, if you consider myself as "wearing" them. To you, what is especially distracting? The sound of TV when you're trying to sleep. What are some things that are important in your life right now? My mom's health, my mental health, job searching to at least get ideas for when transportation is easier, keeping the house clean, keeping up with Sara's health. When was the last time you did some major cleaning? A couple weeks back when I detail cleaned out both my shelves. Who challenges you the most? In what way?  My psychiatrist, but not in a bad way. He pushes me to keep improving with things. What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? I should know this, but I don't. Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? Oh no, I couldn't live with the guilt. Who do you know that gives very sound advice? Sara is great at that. What do you think makes a person weak? The will to drag someone down just because you're feeling that way. What makes a person strong? The determination to not give up. Who do you go to when you need comfort? Mom more than anyone. Where is your favorite place to get fries? BOJANGLE'S. You cannot live to your fullest potential until you've received the seasoned blessing of Bojangle's fries. What is the most recent article of clothing you’ve purchased? I think underwear. Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? No. Are there any waterfalls nearby? Definitely no big ones. Hell, maybe even no natural ones. There are lots of dams, but I don't think they count. What are your earliest memories of going to see a doctor? My first time getting my blood drawn and consciously understanding what was about to happen. Freaked the FUCK out, bolted from the room, and clinged like a monkey to a column while sobbing. It literally took multiple adults to get me off of it, and I was very little. And then when I actually got poked, apparently I just said, "... That's it?" Oh, little me, you'd take needles for hours later on in life in the name of art lol. What is your favorite condiment? Maybe ketchup. Do you know anyone who has been to rehab? Well, all the mental hospitals I've been to included addicts seeking recovery, and I befriended a few. For people more in my personal life, I think so. Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? I am ridiculously picky. Have you ever slept in a car overnight? I'm quite sure no, not a full night. Has someone close to you died of murder? No, thankfully. Does your school offer driver’s ed? My high school did, which is where I took it. Have you ever done volunteering work abroad? No. Do you have a shower stall or a bath tub? A tub. Why do you do these surveys? I'm bored most of the time with absolutely nothing better to do. Sometimes it helps me contemplate some things about myself. Do you like shopping? Eh, depends on what I'm shopping for. What’s a show you wish that was still on air? MM IS COMIN BACK, FUCKERS. Do you like hip hop? Nooo. Do you like pretzels? I do, especially soft ones. You want your next pet to be what? It's probably going to be a tarantula. I'm not being sarcastic lmao. It just depends on if I can convince my mom. Do you like coconut scents? Sure. Would you spend 20 dollars on a candle? Hell no. What is a dessert that you DON’T like? Pie. And one that you love? mmmmmmmmMMMMMMMM ice cream. Would you rather be a vampire or a mermaid? Vampire, ig. Being a mermaid genuinely sounds boring. Where the fuck's the WiFi. Are you happy with your physical features? Bitch no. When you doodle, what are you usually doodling? Meerkats. Do you eat salads? Not enough, but I like them w/ regular lettuce and I'm open to different dressings. Favorite thing to do on your phone? Play Pokemon if I'm actually in a spot to get fckn balls. What magazines do you like? I don't read any. What is your favorite thing about Christmas? The feeling of really being a family. Do you prefer white or black electronics? Black. Firm pillow or soft pillow? S O F T Who was the last person you rode in a car with? Mom. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? Thank fuck no. Are there any people you don’t like for your significant other/crush to talk to? I’m single and don't have like... an "active" crush ig? What was the last alcoholic beverage you drank? I had a bombin' sangria for my birthday @ Olive Garden. Has one of your boyfriend’s best friends ever tried to get with you? Again, single, but for previous ones, no anyway. Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? No. Have any of your friends ever overdosed? I think so, but none died, thankfully. The last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Ummmm probably something for school. How many friends on Facebook do you have? 118. What age is the oldest you would date at the moment? It'd take me seriously liking someone to go slightly beyond 30. Do you want to be single? I don't know. I don't really know if I'm "fit" to be in a relationship right now, like I know I gotta figure shit out, but I think it's natural to want that companionship some days. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Well, I guess it depends on the emotion, but honestly, I don't think so, in most cases. Who did you last share a bed with? Sara. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? Not in an ambulance, no. What are you listening to right now? An '80s-ish/synthwave cover of "Disturbia" by Rihanna. I've been on a total binge of this kinda stuff lately. Ever been on a golf cart? Ye. Do you have trust issues? Yep. Do you own something from Hot Topic? I think most of my shirts are from there. Have you ever slapped someone in the face? No. Do you have a little sister? Damn, not so little anymore. Turned 22 a few days ago. Have you ever been to New York? The state, yes. City, no. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? Nope. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I mean, define "a lot?" I did once every year... and no. I was selective. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? If so, have you ever won? PTSD is fuckin weird. I have, and I get anxious and uncomfortable just seeing them. The very last time I hung out w/ Jason was at his brother's wife's baby shower, and something like that was there. Shitty fuckin day. Can you juggle? No. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? N/A Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah, I think my sisters and I did that every year? What is the population of the city you live in? Google says around 5.5k. Do you like Nerds candy? Yeah man. What’s your favourite flavour of soda, pop or whatever else you call it? Blue raspberry. What level of brightness do you usually keep your phone at? It's on about 70% during the day, and I lower it to about 20% when I'm about to go to bed. Have you ever attended a religious or private school? My previous school was a private & religious college. Do you have any pets and are they cuddly? My cat is STUPID cuddly. Absolute attention hog. My snake seems to enjoy attention, though I wouldn't define snakes as "cuddly;" their brains don't know what affection really is, which I think is mandatory in that definition. She does love to lie against me on the bed, though, when I take her out to let her wander. What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? All three of my jobs have sucked, but considering I lasted in a deli not even two hours, probs that. How many cars does your household own? One. Are there any cracks or scuffs on your phone? No. This shit is literally a Tracphone yet is incredible man, I've dropped it a good few times and it's a great phone. What’s your favourite meat? Out of most forms, probably pork, which I really wish wasn't true. I adore pigs. Or maybe chicken. Which I still feel bad about. Do you need glasses to read or drive or need them all the time? I always need them. Is the internet fast where you live? It's fine. What is your favourite meal of the day and why? Breakfast has the best options and makes me look forward to the morning lmao. Do you like long surveys or short surveys better? Ha ha, obviously long, seeing as I compile shorts ones into these larger ones. I do it because I feel individually posting with EVERY one I pick out would get annoying. Have you ever been to a cocktail bar? No. What’s the best amusement park you’ve ever visited? Disney World. Do you keep the cabinets in your kitchen and bathroom organized? More so in the kitchen. Have you ever had a romantic fling? No. Are you a very forgetful person? To a frightening point. Are your parents married or divorced? They're divorced. Do you believe in Heaven? Not the Christian one, but I do lean towards there being some peaceful existence after death. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? That's obviously the best part. Do you read blogs? No. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? I pretty much have before? Worn guy's pants and unisex or men's shirts before, I'm sure. Ever been involved with the police? No. What's your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap? Idk, I'm just very used to Suave. Their body wash smells amazing. Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? HELL NO. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl it. Favorite restaurant? Olive Garden is GOOD SHIT. Have you watched Tiger King yet? Christ, no, and I sure am tired of seeing it everywhere online. Do you try to do something significant and meaningful every day? It's quite clear I don't, even though I really, really want to. What is your favorite pizza topping? Pepperoni. What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Chance. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. Does anyone know who your first crush was? yeah. Who was your first celebrity crush? Whew, Jesse McCartney, lads. Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No, thankfully. What color was your first phone? Navy, I think. Do you know anyone with Down’s syndrome? Not anyone personally. How much do you weigh (only answer if comfortable)? I'm not comfortable. Have you ever been overweight? I have been since 2016. What color is your Christmas tree? Green. What color Christmas tree do you want to have in your house someday? UGGGGHHHHHHH give me a black one with fake snow on it. Omg. What color house did you grow up in? Uhhhh... I think it was white? I should know this. Have you ever been baptized? If so, how and where? Yes, when I was a baby at the Catholic church I grew up going to. What type of wedding do you want? Give it a gothic vibe ok. Are you taller or shorter or the same height as your mom? We're the same height. What is your heritage? German, Irish, and Polish. Are you excited for the upcoming summer season? Ugh, no. Not at all. At. All. Do you like crackers with your soup? No. Which ex of yours means the most to you? Depending on which way you mean, Jason or Sara. What is something that never fails to make you feel accomplished? Do a decent amount of cleaning. How do you feel about nudity, in person? Uh???? What exactly do you mean by "in person"???? I guess it depends on who, the situation, and location??? Have you taken prescription medications that didn't belong to you? Pain medicine, yes. Do wooded areas freak you out in the evening or night? I mean, to a reasonable degree, I guess. Obviously being in the wild in the dark is dangerous. Have you ever ridden on the back of a motorcycle? No. Do you iron any of your clothes? No. Can you sleep in an unmade bed? Yeah. Did the house you grew up in have a big yard? It was p good. What has been the most difficult class you’ve ever taken? Probably Latin. What was the last website you were on, before this one? I was on Facebook. Is your hometown famous for anything? No. What are some things a house would need to have for you to purchase it? I'm personally very serious about a dishwasher and laundry room. Other than that I'm... kinda blanking? Like I'm not that picky as for what the house HASSSSSS to have, besides those. Well, two bathrooms would be great. What was the last thing you heated up in your microwave? A pancake+sausage on a stick thing for breakfast. When was the last time your internet stopped working? It was having a temper yesterday. Did you ever watch Phil of the Future? Not very much, and never really by choice. Nicole would watch it sometimes though. Were you born somewhere other than a hospital? No. What was the last flavor of ice cream you had? Vanilla. Do you have an online game that you play often? None at the very moment because my personal gaming laptop has been kaput for well over a month now. Maybe close to even two. Is there a trash can near you? No. Have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with someone of the opposite sex without anything steamy happening? No. Is there a fan going in the room you’re in? Yeah, beside me.

#survey #quiz #questions

[calliopechild]

At the risk of being someone with no medical degree handing out health advice on tunglr.hellsite, can I just say:

If you are having issues with depression, get your vitamin D levels checked.

For the last year or so, I’ve been wondering if I ought to get in and talk to someone about whether or not I might have depression, because I’d been having these slump days (or the better part of some weeks) that were really rough--no motivation, no focus, constantly tired, days that were just kind of this gray haze where working, eating, and hygiene were about all I could manage. Those days would just sort of feel like plodding through mud.

Back in August, I went in for my annual doctor’s checkup and mentioned all this, and my doctor suggested we check my vitamin D levels along with the regular cholesterol/blood sugar stuff. For reference, going off the range I got, your vitamin D levels should be somewhere between 30-100; below 30 is vitamin D insufficiency, and below 20 is vitamin D deficiency. Mine came in at 24. Obviously I was pretty damn low, so my doctor recommended that I start taking an extra 1,000 IU supplement a day.

Friends, it has helped immensely.

It made a noticeable difference even after just a month. I’m four months in, and feeling better has become the new norm. I have more energy and fewer days where I just want to sleep from noon until dinner. On the mental side, it’s easier to focus, easier to do things I usually have to psyche myself up for (like calling people or lots of errands back to back), I feel motivated more often, and tasks don’t feel as overwhelming. I’ve done spontaneous things--social events, checking out new places, etc.--that I normally wouldn’t have the mental energy for. I genuinely think it’s helped with some of my anxiety as well. I just feel clearer mentally overall; there have been some days I've looked back at a certain errand or assignment for work and wondered why I didn’t do it before or why it took me so long, because doing it looks easier from here.

And even now that we’re in the depths of winter, it’s still making a difference. Winter has been particularly bad for me in terms of season affective bullshit the past few years; there would be some weeks where I’d leave my apartment maybe once a week (I work from home), and it’d be only long enough to run necessary errands, get groceries, and then come straight home and probably crawl into bed to warm up. Some days I’d always feel cold, and while I’m a freeze baby and always run cold, at least half of it was just mental gray blahs. So far? None of those days. Hell, I’ve even gone out and gone for a walk several times when it’s been in the 40s, and normally the furthest I walk at those temps is from my car to whatever building I need to be in.

I have still had some slump days, when I don’t get much of anything done and don’t have the motivation to do so. But they’re fewer and farther between, and it’s not three+ days all in a row like it used to be. (And at least some of those are days when I’m just exhausted and can’t focus because of my hellaciously shitty sleep schedule.) But 95% of the time I just feel better, and it’s such a relief and I’m so grateful for it.

Now, obviously ymmv on whether this helps you, and you SHOULD! NOT! just start downing a ton of vitamin D. But if you’re having symptoms of depression, it might be worth getting a hold of your doctor and seeing if you can get your vitamin D levels tested. Everyone’s brain chemistry/biology is different, and what works for me might not work to the same degree for other people; someone else might have much more intense anxiety/depression, and extra vitamin D might not make a significant difference.

But I do genuinely think it’s worth a shot--a bottle of vitamin D supplements is a pretty easy way to possibly feel better, and it’s an important vitamin to get enough of regardless. I hope this could make as much of a difference for someone else as it has for me.

#again--i'm not recommending that anyone start popping vitamin d supplements willy-nilly #levels that are too high can be just as much of a problem as levels that are too low #and the amount you need varies for women and men as well as your age group #but i truly do believe it's something to check out #ALSO #lest anyone crawl up my ass about this--this is NOT an anti-antidepressants post #i will never downplay the importance of antidepressants and how much good they do for people #but if your symptoms are mild enough that your doctor doesn't think jumping straight to antidepressants is necessary #(which is what my doctor said and i think she was right) #this could be another option #or this could be a supplement alongside antidepressants #i'm just trying to pass along some info that might help #(related note: get your thyroid levels checked too bc hypothyroidism also mimics depression apparently)

[firesidefantasy]

so last night i realised i had almost hit 500 posts on this account. and then i had the brilliant, genius idea to make a post with 500 facts about monster house for my 500th post.

this was not a genius idea in any way shape or form.

i am not a genius.

but i did it anyway, so now i present to you:

five-hundred-fucking-facts about monster house

enjoy. 

KENZI

1) Kenzi was abandoned as a baby 2) She was adopted by Monster House 3) She does not know when her birthday is 4) Her best friend growing up was Toby 5) Kenzi thought she was a vampire when she was a kid 6) She went around biting people’s necks for weeks 7) Kenzi loves photography, Instagram, and modelling 8) She has ran four marathons and six 10ks 9) She has been dying her hair since she was 14 10) Kenzi’s favourite chocolate brand is Cadbury’s 11) She loves cooking and hosting parties 12) She hates being human and wishes she was a monster too 13) She is almost fluent in French 14) Kenzi has no idea what she wants to be when she’s older 15) She never wants to leave Monster House 16) Kenzi is always chewing gum

HARLOW 17) Harlow dyes her hair black 18) She plays drums because her dad told her it was for boys 19) She plays basketball because her dad told her it was for boys 20) Her mum died three years ago and Harlow has never got over it 21) She lives with her dad, their relationship is recovering 22) Harlow won’t leave the house without a beanie 23) She loves video games like overwatch and call of duty 24) She is absolutely shit at video games 25) Doritos are her favourite snack 26) Harlow has lost count of how many cousins she has 27) If she could be any monster, she’d be a vampire 28) She’s in a college band called ‘4am’ 29) They’ve played three actual gigs so far 30) Harlow wants to be in a famous band 31) Harlow does NOT want to ever get a real job 32) She writes a lot of songs 33) Nobody will ever see these songs 34) She hates the beach 35) The only thing she hates more than the beach is spelling errors 36) She also hates vegetables and weather over 20 degrees C 37) She loves the sound of rain and thunder 38) She hoards TV boxsets and prefers them over Netflix 39) She loves antique stores and charity shops 40) She has an impressive vinyl collection

TOBY 41) Toby is bisexual but prefers guy 42) He’s known he was bisexual since discovering Tom Holland 43) His favourite superhero is Iron Man 44) Spider man is a close second 45) Toby wanted to be a superhero when he was a kid 46) Now he wants to be a super villain (#edgyteen) 47) He’s enrolled in school part time 48) Avoiding sunlight makes school difficult 49) The kids at school joke that he’s a vampire because of this 50) They don’t know why that’s so funny 51) He plays bass guitar but never lets anyone else listen 52) Except Matty. Sometimes he joins in with the ‘drums’ 53) Toby loves going to the skate park at night 54) He once wrote a 500 word essay on why the moon is better than the sun 55) He knows every constellation and loves stargazing 56) He loves sitting on his dad’s balcony and watching the stars 57) Toby doesn’t know who his mum is 58) Metal and rock music is his favourite 59) He chews on his finger to satisfy his desire to bite things 60) Sometimes he’s tempted to see if he could bite his finger off 61) He never has 62) Toby loves tomato ketchup 63) Immortality intimidates him 64) He only wears band tee shirts 65) He starts wearing beanies everywhere after meeting Harlow 66) Toby idolises Harlow 67) His favourite food is pancakes with chocolate sauce 68) Kenzi makes him pancakes to apologise after they fight 69) Toby buys her bars of chocolate to apologise 70) Kenzi and Toby bicker a lot 71) They are also best friends 72) Toby’s favourite period of history is the Roman emperors 73) Caligula was his favourite emperor 74) Toby almost turned Kenzi when they were 14 75) He despises pop music 76) Kenzi and Toby fight over nothing more often than pop music 77) Custard makes him want to throw up

KAI 78) Kai has six older sisters 79) He is one of two guys in the witches coven 80) He speaks French and Italian (almost) fluently 81) He volunteers at the local animal shelter 82) He does not get along with his family 83) Kai tries to fit in but he isn’t very good at it 84) He gets very upset if his hair doesn’t look right 85) He struggles with dysphoria but his parents won’t let him get T 86) Kai loves doing jigsaws and watching reality shows 87) He listens to music to drown out his parents arguments 88) His oldest sister Natalia is his favourite 89) She cut his hair and bought him guys clothes after he came out 90) Natalia plays board games with him and helps with homework 91) Kai loves baking - especially banana bread 92) He hates bananas but could eat banana bread all day 93) Being a witch is hard and he’s really really bad at it 94) Kai once turned a dining room chair into a frog 95) He also turned his mother’s earrings into a donkey 96) They never let him keep the animals 97) Pop music and indie rock are his favourites 98) Kai is scared of the dark 99) Science and maths make no sense to him 100) He plans on leaving the witches coven when he’s 18

PHILLIP 101) Philip is a history professor at Seabrooke University 102) He was born in 1893 under the reign of Queen Victoria 103) He campaigned with the suffragettes - and even broke a window once 104) He is a hardcore liberal and despises the conservative party 105) He attended the 1908 summer Olympics held in London 106) He once had a fling with a maid of George V’s 107) Phillip had entered a competition to be on the titanic 108) He was an engineer during world war 2 109) His nose was broken at a protest for women to be given degrees 110) Phillip has been married three times 111) The first died, the second left him for another man 112) The third was a Vegas marriage about 30 years prior 113) Phillip is straight - but he’s experimented extensively in the past 114) He does the newspaper crossword puzzle every morning 115) He bans TV until after 3pm 116) Phillip moved to Monster House in the 70’s 117) He despises the movie ‘Twilight’ above all else 118) He is the one who decided to adopt Kenzi 119) Phillip is essentially in charge of Monster House 120) He adores barbecues with his family 121) He hates Russia, incorrect grammar, and coffee

MATTY 122) Toby brought a stray dog in one day 123) The next morning, a toddler was asleep in their living room 124) Phillip decided to keep him 125) His hobbies include chewing people’s shoes and phone chargers 126) He has broken exactly seven bones 127) There is no soul clumsier than Matty 128) His face is full of freckles and his cheeks are always red 129) He runs everywhere 130) He wants to be a footballer or an astronaut when he’s older 131) Matty breaks Phillip’s morning TV ban so he can watch cartoons 132) His favourite game is fetch 133) Toby created a machine for him that throws a ball over and over 134) Matty hates it - he likes playing with an actual person 135) His wolf form is small, fluffy and a little too blonde 136) Phillip has been assured that he will get less blonde as he grows up 137) Toby once tried to enter him in a dog competition 138) They won £20 and bought the biggest ice creams they could 139) Matty loves porridge almost as much as he loves shoes and Toby 140) He has an imaginary friend called Boris who he blames for everything

CALLIE 141) Callie is half fae and half human 142) Her full name is Calypso, but everybody calls her Callie 143) She cannot tell lies, but is excellent at talking around the truth 144) She’s introverted and shy - but also amazing at public speaking 145) She wants to be a legal aid barrister 146) Her hair is naturally brown but she dyes it red 147) She plays acoustic guitar in 4am - the same band as Harlow 148) Her roommate is a werewolf but she doesn’t know about it yet 149) She has travelled to France and Italy 150) But she wants to travel the world 151) Her bedroom walls are covered in maps 152) She has an emergency supply of snacks in a room at all times 153) Her biggest dream is to have her own library room once day 154) With a secret bookshelf door, of course 155) Her lava lamp and beanbags are her prized possessions 156) She does not have a good relationship with her parents 157) She struggles with insomnia and rarely sleeps 158) Coffee is her one true love 159) She adores long car rides and she adores driving 160) She works part time at a coffee shop 161) Her car is her other prized possession 162) Callie can devour bags of skittles in an instant 163) She forgets everything in her personal life 164) And remembers everything in her academic life 165) She loves fire and will sit and stare at it for hours 166) Sometimes she goes to the local aquarium to study 167) Change is her worst enemy - everything needs to be consistent 168) She has been a straight A student all her life 169) She goes for a long walk every Saturday afternoon 170) Callie writes songs when she’s feeling bad

MILO 171) Hiding antlers in public is the bane of his existence 172) He is part of a group who want to tell humans about monsters 173) Milo does not particularly like humans 174) He has curly blonde hair that is usually a mess 175) One of his eyes is darker blue than the other 176) He loves blanket forts and fairy lights and hot chocolate 177) He has a part time job delivering pizzas 178) This means he gets a discount on pizzas, which he takes advantage of 179) Percy Jackson is the main reason he’s doing a classics degree 180) He enjoys writing fantasy books in his free time 181) He is reasonably fluent in Ancient Greek and Latin 182) ‘Out of Bounds’ signs are a welcoming invitation to Milo 183) He will explore everything and anything 184) Milo wants to travel to South America the most 185) He has two mums 186) They both adore Callie 187) He goes rock climbing in his free time 188) This is so he can climb trees, fences, and monuments better 189) He claims he’s climbed several mountains 190) Callie does not believe this claim 191) He was not raised in Seabrooke and had few monster friends as a kid 192) Milo is a nymph 193) His father is one of his mother’s best friends - also a nymph 194) His ‘father’ taught him to garden and to bake 195) Milo never called him dad - he was always Uncle Barney 196) He loves growing his own flowers 197) Nymph magic allows him to grow the most beautiful plants and flowers 198) It also allows him to bake exceptional cakes and cookies 199) He adores his younger brother and sister 200) He is double jointed and left handed

KENZI AND HARLOW 201) Making out is their favourite pastime 202) Harlow spends most of her free time at Monster House 203) They enjoy joking about how ‘platonic’ their relationship is 204) Kenzi loves cooking for Harlow 205) They spend a lot of time watching TV shows together 206) Stranger Things and Friends were their last binge-watches 207) Harlow is always invited round for Friday Board Game Night 208) Kenzi constantly steals Harlow’s clothes 209) Harlow loves playing with Kenzi’s hair 210) Harlow loves holding Kenzi’s hand 211) Harlow just loves touching Kenzi as much as possible 212) They both have a years pass to the local petting zoo 213) Kenzi goes to all of Harlow’s band gigs and basketball games 214) She wants to set up a cheer leading squad for the basketball team 215) Harlow just wants to see Kenzi in a cheerleader costume 216) Harlow asked Kenzi to be her girlfriend 217) Kenzi said I love you first 218) They’re planning on getting an apartment together after graduating 219) Also a dog 220) Harlow adores getting Kenzi to play (and fail at) video games 221) Kenzi is a massive flirt - Harlow does not appreciate it 222) Harlow once stabbed Kenzi on the hand whilst cooking together 223) Kenzi and Harlow do not cook together 224) They bicker a lot 225) But Harlow adores Kenzi more than anything else, and vice versa

TOBY AND KAI 226) Toby only got the guts to ask Kai out because his dad made him 227) They are polar opposites in just about every way 228) Toby didn’t know what being transgender meant before meeting Kai 229) Toby calls Kai ‘sunshine’ 230) Kai calls Toby ‘grumpy guts’ for the most part 231) They fall asleep on the phone together a lot 232) They also fall asleep in the same bed a lot 232) Kai’s parents do not like vampires so they don’t know about Toby 233) They met through the Monster House toddler group when they were kids 234) They both went to the Monster House study group as kids/teenagers 234) Nowadays, they ‘study’ in Toby’s room instead 235) Kai drove Toby mad up until very recently 236) It wasn’t exactly love at first site 237) Toby threw up on Kai - the hatred only grew from there 238) Over time, Toby developed a soft spot for Kai 239) Nowadays, Kai still drives him crazy, but in a good sorta way 240) They have every intention of moving in together after school ends 241) Kai has a drawer of clothes at Toby’s place 242) Toby has punched six people in defence of Kai 243) One was an eleven year old. He has no regrets 244) Toby frequently takes Kai stargazing 245) Toby also taught him how to skate 246) Kai speaks French to Toby and he loves it 247) Sometimes Kai takes Toby to volunteer at the animal shelter with him 248) Their biggest fights are over pop music and science 249) They plan on getting a turtle when they move in together 250) Kai loves sitting on Toby’s lap 251) He also loves stealing his sweaters 252) He also loves fixing his hair 253) He frequently picks flowers for Toby and spends hours arranging them 254) Kai also loves falling asleep on Toby 255) Toby kisses Kai’s cheek a lot 256) Toby adores Kai, but he rarely admits to it 257) He took Kai to a Troye Sivan concert in February 2019 258) Kai sends Toby selfies a lot throughout the day 259) Toby saves every single one to his phone - but won’t admit to it 260) Toby’s dad r e a l l y wants him to marry Kai

CALLIE AND MILO 261) They met when they were both searching an abandoned church 262) They thought the other was a ghost 263) For the longest time, Callie was ‘ghost girl’ in Milo’s phone 264) Their first date was in Starbucks 265) But they tell people it was back in that abandoned church 266) They are both too terrified to ever go back to that church 267) They have plants to travel the world together 268) Callie’s phone background is Milo and his messy bed head 269) Milo’s background is Callie in one of his sweaters 270) Callie hoards Milo’s sweaters 271) Milo practically lives at Callie’s apartment so he doesn’t mind 272) Callie only really sleeps when she’s with Milo 273) Milo likes playing with her hair while she reads out loud 274) The sound of her voice calms his anxiety 275) Callie frequently plays guitar and sings for Milo 276) He considers himself her number one fan 277) Callie likes listening to him ramble about history and classics 278) She often falls asleep while he talks - he never seems to notice 279) Callie drives Milo everywhere 280) Milo always makes the best road trip playlists and snacks 281) Milo’s mum’s adore Callie 282) They go for family dinner every other Sunday 283) They are going to Greece together over the summer holidays 284) Their opinions on monster politics differ wildly 285) Callie enjoys teaching Milo how to play guitar 286) Milo grows his own flowers to give Callie 287) He also enjoys cooking for her 288) Sometimes he brings her breakfast in bed 289) He usually gets a blowjob in exchange for this 290) They make a game out of fucking in as many places as they can 291) This has included: the grocery store, a church, the forest 292) Milo’s parents frequently bring up marriage 293) They’re both quite content with how things are 294) One day, they’d both like a small wedding in Europe somewhere 295) Zoos, petting farms, and aquariums are their favourite dates 296) Milo is basically Callie’s pillow 297) Callie writes songs for Milo 298) Her parents do not approve of her dating a Nymph 299) Callie’s roommates adore Milo and love that he basically lives there 300) They fight about how much wardrobe space Milo takes up frequently

BACKGROUND CHARACTERS 301) Callie’s roommate is a werewolf 302) She doesn’t know that Callie isn’t human and vice versa 303) Werewolf roommate (Arya)’s family is originally from India 304) Arya loves escape rooms 305) Callie loves petting Arya in wolf form 306) Milo is the only one who questions why there’s a wolf in the kitchen 307) But Milo still feeds Arya-in-wolf-form blueberry muffins 308) Bruce the Minotaur has lived in Monster House forever 309) Nobody really knows where or when Bruce came from 310) He has a very distinctive Greek accent 311) Bruce makes the best waffles 312) And he knits a damn good scarf and woolly socks 313) Which is incidentally what everybody gets for their birthday 314) Sheryl the Siren is like a crazy aunt to the kids in Monster House 315) She auditioned for X Factor once - she didn’t get in 316) Her vocal inspirations are beyonce and mariah carey 317) Sheryl is married to Mary-Anne the Mermaid 318) Mary-Anne lives in the coves behind Monster House 319) Sheryl loves singing for Mary-Anne 320) Maybe it’s the water-clogged ears, but Mary-Anne enjoys the singing 321) They had a beautiful beach wedding twelve years ago 322) Kenzi was a flower girl, Toby was a page boy 323) There is a ghost living in the attic of Monster House 324) It never seems to come out 325) Bruce sits outside the attic door each night to keep it company 326) Sometimes it likes to play drums with pots and pans 327) Nobody really has a name - it’s just ‘the ghost in the attic’ 328) They leave cookies for it at Christmas - they always get eaten 329) Sometimes Matty gets there first 330) Grace the Gorgon is an interior designer 331) She wears a veil-like head cover to hide the snake hair 332) Most humans just assume the head cover/snake hair is a new trend 333) Grace constantly redecorates Monster House 334) The house usually puts everything back overnight 335) Monster House does not like change 336) Grace is a wanted felon for the murder of a man named Perseus 337) Humans seem to be destined to forever walk past Monster House 338) Thus, Grace has never been caught 339) It is rumoured that she was once called Penelope 340) Nobody quite knows what Perseus did to warrant murder 341) Nobody quite trusts Grace with a knife, either

SEABROOKE 342) Seabrooke is a small, sleepy seaside town in southern England 343) It is the suburban hot spot for Monster life 344) Seabrooke has a population of 4,500 345) Around 250 of these are monsters 346) For some reason, Seabrooke has it’s own university 347) Nobody really knows why - it’s possible Phillip had a role in this 348) Seabrooke has two primary schools, a secondary, and a sixth form 349) It gets a lot of tourists during the summer 350) Everybody hates the tourists - especially Monsters

WITCHES COVEN 351) When Bruce the Minotaur gets sick - he can’t be taken to the doctors 352) The Witches Coven is the main place Monsters go when they’re sick 353) Witches are difficult creatures and the Coven are no different 354) If you get on their bad side, they’ll refuse you service 355) The Witches Coven therefore practically run the town 356) There are three families that make up the Coven 357) Admittance is only to witches with the blood of prestigious families 358) Kai is part of the Witches Coven 359) Kai’s family practically runs the Witches Coven 360) There is a lot of tension between the Witches and Phillip 361) Largely because they both have a lot of influence over Seabrooke 362) Regardless, Phillip still genuinely likes Kai 363) The Witches tend to be high maintenance and spoilt 364) The parents are like the worst white suburban soccer mums ever 365) Regardless, they are excellent at healing magic 366) But also excellent at ruining your life 367) They have definitely killed a few monsters - but it cannot be proved

LOCAL NEWSPAPER 368) The Daily Seabrooke is ran by shapeshifters 369) Nobody remembers when the TDS was started 370) Philip adores it for the crosswords 371) Apparently the crosswords are ‘out of this world’ 372) TDS is ran by a group of crazy looking students 373) Of course, they’re shapeshifters, so they’re probably all 1000+ 374) The shapeshifters behind TDS don’t mingle with other monsters 375) At least not as themselves 376) They report on human politics and news as well 377) Only monsters are sold the copies with monster news included 378) Half of TDS is gossip about the people in Seabrooke 379) Nobody is really safe from their snooping 380) Their methods include being a literal fly on the wall 381) Most breakups, Witches Coven drama, and Vamp/Wolf fights are put in 382) TDS is extremely controversial amongst Monsters in Seabrooke 383) Kenzi thinks it’s fucking hilarious

SEABROOKE UNIVERSITY 384) The University is crawling with monster life 385) Several professors are monsters 386) Most notably are Phillip and Steven 387) Phillip teaches Modern History 388) Steven teaches Medieval History 389) Phillip is a Vampire, Steven is a Werewolf 390) They have a competition for who gets History Professor Of The Year 391) This competition frequently gets out of hand 392) Everybody knows about their rivalry, few knows why 393) Nobody knows how long the two have worked there - most say forever 394) That wouldn’t be far from the truth 395) Steven happens to be Arya (Callie’s Roommate)’s father

MONSTER HOUSE 396) Monster House is practically alive 397) It constantly expands and shrinks 398) There are always exactly as many rooms as are necessary 399) Only the first floor can be seen by passersby 400) And they often walk straight past it 401) Ordering pizza is a nightmare 402) It’s like the human brain cannot comprehend where it is 403) Even though it’s in an incredibly obvious location 404) When they do see it, they see only a normal house 405) The construction of the house makes no sense 406) There are rooms hanging over nothing and stairs leading to nowhere 407) Sometimes bedrooms move and finding them is a nightmare 408) The living room and kitchen like to switch places 409) On Monday’s the kitchen is green and nobody knows why 410) It is black and white the rest of the time 411) It is almost impossible to paint or decorate Monster House 412) It prefers to do that itself 413) Somehow the bedrooms always look exactly how they are wanted 414) At least they save on paint - that shit is expensive 415) Unfortunately, Monster House doesn’t clean itself 416) Toby has registered several complaints about this

LULU 417) Lulu’s full name is Lucifer 418) It has been living in the basement since the beginning 419) It has only been seen by four people 420) Phillip and Kenzi are two of those 421) They call it Lulu because Kenzi couldn’t pronounce Lucifer as a kid 422) The nickname kinda stuck 423) Lulu gets fed raw fish every morning 424) They just dump a bucket full down the hatch in the kitchen 425) Sometimes Toby threatens to feed Matty to Lulu 426) This causes Matty to have nightmares and sleep in Toby’s bed 427) So that one kinda backfired on Toby 428) Nobody actually knows what kind of creature Lulu is

MISC. FACTS 429) Harlow’s favourite song is ‘Lights Down Low’ by Max 430) Seabrooke is not on any map - nobody knows why 431) I really regret this 432) Never ever try to write 500 facts it will not be fun 433) Callie’s favourite kind of law is criminal law 434) Particularly fatal offences 435) She also likes land law because she’s fucking weird 436) Kai got into reality TV because of his sisters 437) One of the arcades in Seabrooke is monster themed 438) Toby works there on Saturdays - always taking the night shifts 439) Kai really wants to own his own bakery one day 440) He tried to get the local bakery to hire him but he’s too young 441) Kai also wants to live in France or Italy 442) He also wants to be on reality shows and get a fake tan 443) (Okay. Toby is pretty sure he was joking about that) 444) Kai always has to wish on a lucky star 445) Milo wants to be a published author one day 446) Kai has tried to run away from home twice 447) His parents put a tracking spell on him and found him too fast 448) Toby wishes he could skate at the park with the other kids 449) But he also secretly likes that everyone finds him mysterious 450) Toby used to have a (massive) crush on Kenzi 451) Now they’re both pretty gay 452) Everyone is gay tbh 453) Monsters have no concept of heteronormativity 454) Kenzi’s favourite colour is pink 455) Callie’s favourite animal is an octopus 456) Kai has a picture of him and Toby stuck on his bedroom wall 457) Kai has had a crush on Toby since they were kids 458) Coming out as trans wrecked Kai’s relationship with his parents 459) It is seen as a disgrace for witches to have male sons 460) Men are submissive in witch culture 461) Kai’s parents frequently misname and misgender him 462) The kids at school are much more accepting 463) Kai came out when he was 14 464) Toby has actually been one of his biggest supporters 465) Natalia has been his main supporter as well 466) Toby likes Kai a lot more since he came out 467) Kai feels more real to him now - and irritates him less 468) Toby doesn’t know how long Kai has liked him for 469) Kai is pretty open about being trans 470) Seabrooke is quite accepting, even if his parents aren’t 471) Kenzi is terrified of being rejected by the monster community 472) She really wants Toby to turn her so she can be an actual monster 473) She wears contact lenses so her eyes look purple 474) She doesn’t really like school and puts the bare minimum effort in 475) Harlow is taking four a levels - a difficult thing to do 476) Fuck this was the worst idea 478) Harlow channels her anger out through drumming 479) It’s therapist mandated so her dad cannot stop her 480) Even though he very very much wants to 481) Harlow’s favourite video game is overwatch 482) Her mains are lucio, junk rat, bastion and rein 483) Harlow despises spelling and grammar errors 484) Matty likes stealing Toby’s tee shirts 485) Between Matty & Kai, Toby barely has any clothes left 486) Which is fine as far as Kai’s concerned 487) Matty is like a little brother to Kai 488) Originally, Callie & Arya were part of a polygamous relationship 489) I cut that out, though, because I couldn’t think of a third girl 490) Seabrooke tends to have mild weather 491) During the summer, the heat can spike to 25-30 C max 492) It rarely snows, but it does rain a lot, and there’s a lot of wind 493) Most of the houses in Seabrooke were built 100ish years ago 494) It has a train station - nobody knows why - it’s the last stop 495) There is a Seabrooke museum ran by a vampire and a Fae 496) There is a secret monster section in the back 497) Idle Town by Conan Gray reminds me of Seabrooke 498) As does This Town by Neil Horan (I think that’s the name idk) 499) Fuck you to @livvywrites for not stopping me 500) I am never doing this again

tag list: @livingthelovelylife, @commasinsidequotes, @4kidsopfan, @thatworldinverted, @livvywrites @ravenpuffwriter @the-writer-turned-procrastinor @livingthelovelylife  (ask to be added or removed more likely after this shit)

#writeblr #writeblr community #monsterhouse #this was the worst idea of my life #never again #do not do this #b a d i d e a

[tortue-souris]

All of the questions for "daring someone to ask them all" (you're welcome ;) good luck though feel free to skip some oh my there are so many i'm sorry)

WELL

THAT’S GOING TO KEEP ME BUSY XD

1.Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?

I want to be on my own, but also girlfriend, definitely.

2.When did your last hug take place?

Errrm 2 weeks ago ?

3.Are you a jealous person?

A bit yeah

4.Are you tired right now?

Physically I’m ok ! Mentally I’m a bit tired

5.Do you chew on your straws?

Yes, I also destroy them very very slowly because I can’t help destroying things with my hands when I talk because I’m anxious af (and if I don’t hold anything well I destroy my own hands XD)

6.Have you ever been called a tease?

Never

7.Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

NO

8.Do you cry easily?

It depends really. I’d say say most of the time.

9.What should you be doing right now?

Studying (also going to pee XD)

10.Are you a heavy sleeper?

YES

11.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

Haha

12.Are you mad at someone right now?

Surprinsingly no ?

13.Do you believe in love?

No

14.What makes you laugh no matter what?

Watching silly photos and videos of my sisters and I.

15.Who was the last person you talked to?

My mother

16.Do you get butterflies around the person you like?

No

17.Will you get married?

Probably not

18.When was the last time you smiled?

Today, fake smiles, plenty haha

19.Does anyone like you?

I think so

20.Do you secretly like someone?

Pffft nope

21.Who was the first person you talked to today?

My parents

22.Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

My soulmate, @madame-nyx

23.What are you NOT looking forward to?

Exams…

24.What ARE you looking forward to?

The next AP of Les Petits Meurtres, with the Original Team™ @stopaskingmetowearthatwig  and @andresylupin (omg you changed your URL ???????)

25.Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

HAHA yes a few of them but we were so young I don’t think they meant it

26.Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?

If ex also includes ex almost, I wouldn’t do anything. I guess I would be very happy for them but also I couldn’t help but feel very very sick. Actually I don’t think I could witness that without crying XD

27.Do you plan on moving out within the next year?

Nope, I’m good in my little flat, on my own, with my plants

28.Are you a forgiving person?

I’m very forgiving yes, sometimes too much, but I will ALWAYS rememeber, and for that too, a bit too much.

29.How many TRUE friends do you have?

Two

30.Do you fall for people easily?

Nope

31.Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?

I don’t have an ex x)

32.What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?

UN CHOCOBISSON (that’s a biscuit) (with tea also)

33.Who was the last person you drove with?

I’m not driving (yet!!!) so the last person who drove me was my mother

34.How late did you stay up last night and why?

1am x) why ? for reasons

35.If you could move somewhere else, would you?

Hm I don’t know. Right now I think I’m where I’m meant to be. Later maybe I’d like to move to the countryside.

36.Who was the last person you took a picture of?

My little sister’s cat :’)

37.Can you live a day without TV?

Of course, I don’t have a TV at my place

38.When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?

When I didn’t get the subject I wanted for my thesis (for my first year of a master’s degree)

39.Three names you go by..

Other than my real name : Clécoude, Chidi, Chiasse (yep that’s how much my sisters love me)… I don’t have a lot of nicknames (I’ve started to call myself Clémonstre too)

40.Are you currently in a relationship?

I’m not sure XD XD XD

41.What is your all-time favorite romance movie?

… Notting Hill x)

42.Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?

I have no opinion about that. Maybe, maybe not, it doesn’t really change anything for anyone.

43.What’s your current problem?

Myself haha

44.Have you ever had your heart broken?

Hm. Yes. By myself mostly.

45.Your thoughts of long distance relationships?

Haha ha. ha.

46.How many kids do you want to have?

0 ZERO NONE

47.Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?

Yes

Well thank you :D

Do I know you ? I don’t think I do but maybe I forgot ? (i once forgot that I was following a college friend and when we saw each other for the first time in four years she was like “yeah i know you’re gay, i’ve seen your posts on tumblr” and was like “WTFFFF ??????” *sweating* and turns out that yes, it was her on tumblr, and I ONCE KNEW IT, I JUST FORGOT)

[corystssides]

Roommates, Part 6

Words: 2885

Summary: “I thought you guys were trying to like each other now?”

“We are trying, it’s just...things don’t change overnight, you know?”

Warnings: Swearing, arguments, family troubles, OCs, mildly inappropriate jokes, I think that’s it but lmk as usual.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Logan walked into Astronomy on Wednesday already tired. He wouldn’t have thought that 8 am classes would be so exhausting, especially since his high school had always started at seven, but with calculus as the very first class of the day, it was miserable. And he still had chemistry to go. And, since he wasn’t seeing a sudden increase in his bank account that would cover the amount of his tuition this month, probably a call to his family later today as well.

“Gurl, you wouldn’t even believe--Logan, what’s up? You look like hell.”

“Good morning, Remanuel,” Logan said. He was surprised his lab partner was already here. Usually the guy showed up 30 seconds before class started.

“Listen, dude, I’m gonna have to get you to start calling me Remy, kay? I tried the full name gig for a few weeks, but I have to say, I’m not digging it.”

“Certainly, Remy,” Logan said, dropping his backpack and pulling out his notebook.

“Anyway, Char, I was at lab yesterday with Logan and we’re trying to position the scope but it’s being old and stupid, so James the TA came over to help, and afterwards we were talking about stars and shit, and he pointed at a plane, and he tried to convince me they were shooting stars! He’s like ‘oh yeah, you see those lights? Those two white ones moving together? Those are double shooting stars. Really rare. They always travel together at that same distance.’”

“You looked like you believed him for a second there,” Logan said, grinning.

“I almost did, for a second! I was like, ‘no, surely James is not trying to pull something that obvious over on me!’ But he was, and it was really funny after about two seconds of total confusion.”

“So what did you observe?” Charlotte, one of Logan’s other lab partners asked.

“We observed some cluster thing, y’know, one of the letter-number combination things. And we also observed Vega. That’s all we got though, because the lab got mobbed by a bunch of 101 students who needed moon observations, so we left.”

“Wait, what did you observe?” And there was Alex, their final lab partner.

Remy repeated what he’d just said, then added, “Logan’s got the papers. He seems less likely to lose them than me.”

“Sounds good,” Alex said. “Charlotte and I can start on the report then, since you guys did observations.”

“Do you want the papers?” Logan asked him, pulling the sheets out of his backpack.

“Sure. I’ll scan them and make a group folder on Google for them, sound good? That way we can all access them, and if we lose them we can just print another.”

“That is a genius idea, Alex,” Remy said. “Oh, and, off-topic, but do you pals wanna hang out on Friday? I’m going to a little music show downtown with my partner and some other friends, super cheap, like ten bucks, it’s this local band called The Cosmic Brownies.”

“I’m working, sorry,” Alex said.

“You’re always working,” Remy said. “It’s at eight.”

Alex shrugged. “I’m working until eleven.”

“I’m going home this weekend,” Charlotte said.

“To see your lizard?” Remy asked.

“Hell yes,” Charlotte said.

“What about you, Logan? You gonna join my squad on Friday?”

“Sure,” Logan said. “Where’s it at?”

“Easier question: where do you live? I’ll just pick you up on Friday.”

“Sanders Hall.”

“Great,” Remy said, pulling out his phone. “Wear like, casual clothes, like t-shirt and jeans probably. And contacts if you have them. And earplugs.”

“Why would I need contacts and earplugs?”

“It’s gonna be loud. Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to hear the music. And you might wanna mosh, I dunno, so bring contacts if you have them so you don’t have to worry about getting your glasses knocked off.”

“Okay, class, good morning!” the professor said, walking in. And on that note, Astronomy began.

~

After Astronomy, Logan headed over to the dining hall on that side of campus. It’s full name was Home Cook’t, but everyone just called it Homes. He got in line after putting his backpack in one of the storage cubbies, and saw that Virgil was already way up in front. He glanced over the rest of the line. No sign of Patton yet, which meant that he’d probably gone back to the dorms after his 8 am instead of the library today.

Patton, Virgil, and Logan had all started eating lunch together on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays about a week ago, once they finally compared schedules and realized they all had an hour of free time from 11-12 on those days. Virgil and Logan were already on that side of campus at 11, while Patton had class at 12:20, so he came over for lunch and then went to class. Roman joined them once, but since all his MWF classes were in Stoker--on the same side of campus as Sanders--he usually didn’t feel like walking all the way across campus to Homes, and instead ate at Talon Hall with theatre friends and then did homework at the dorms for a bit before returning to Stoker.

Once Logan had gone through the food lines and gotten a hamburger, some salad, a soda, and some cookies, he scanned the dining hall for Virgil. He spotted him at one of the tables by the windows, and walked over. Virgil barely glanced up and said hello. His focus was on his phone and whatever he was furiously typing at.

“What’re you doing?” Logan asked.

“Chem quiz.”

“You haven’t done that yet?” Logan asked.

Virgil flipped him off without taking his eyes off the screen. Logan rolled his eyes but stayed quiet, letting Virgil concentrate. While he waited, he tried to plan what, exactly, he’d say to his parents when the phone call inevitably came. And what he’d say if they told him that they weren’t going to pay their agreed part of the tuition anymore. And what he’d say if they told him that he was a miserable excuse for a son and they never wanted to see him again.

Then he realized he was catastrophizing, and tried to quit that line of thinking. It was illogical to be thinking like that. No doubt Dad had just forgotten that it was Wednesday and he had to transfer the money to Logan’s account today. Nothing to worry about at all.

Virgil finished his quiz about five minutes later, less than 30 seconds before Patton showed up.

“Hey guys!” Patton said, plopping down with some pizza and french fries.

“Hey Pat,” Virgil said, slipping his phone into his pocket. Logan waved, not wanting to talk with food in his mouth.

“So Makayla just texted me, and she and Jenny aren’t going to make it,” Patton said. It’s just going to be the four of us tonight.”

“Whose dorm, then?” Logan asked.

“Depends. How clean is your guys’ dorm?” Patton asked.

“Spotless,” Virgil said. “Logan can’t stand anything less.”

“I’m not the one who was sweeping at two a.m. this morning,” Logan said.

“Yeah, but you would be the one who complained after stepping on popcorn when you got up.”

“Let’s do your guys’ dorm then,” Patton said. “Roman’s working on a project right now that’s kind of taken over the dorm, and it would be a project in itself just to clean it up.”

“Sounds good,” Virgil said. “I have Risk, so we could play that.”

“I brought Monopoly from home,” Patton said, grinning. “We can switch games then, if one gets too heated.”

Logan nodded. That would be a better idea than trying to stick to one game or calling the night off.

“My moms also sent over some tofu loaf, so as long as neither of you are allergic to soy, you guys get to experience my mother’s cooking, which, by the way, is the bomb!”

“Neither of us are allergic to soy,” Logan said. “Virgil’s lactose intolerant, though.”

“It’s not super severe, but straight-up milk will mess me up. Cheese is usually okay as long as I don’t have too much. So like, I can still eat a slice of pizza usually,” Virgil said. “How do you even know that? I don’t think I’ve ever told you that.”

“You told me in one of the first few emails we sent each other, after I asked if there were any dietary restrictions I should be aware of,” Logan said.

“I don’t remember that at all,” Virgil said, pulling out his phone to see if he really had emailed that at one point.

“It was one of the emails that had fifty or so questions in it, so it’s unlikely you would remember everything I asked,” Logan said.

“I’ll be sure to remember that, Virgil,” Patton said. “I’d feel terrible if I got you sick. On that note, though, are you allergic to anything Logan?”

“I have seasonal allergies, but I don’t have any food allergies, no.”

“I remember this email now,” Virgil muttered. “I forgot about the food question because the most memorable part of this email was me freaking out because I misinterpreted the question where you asked if I wanted the top bunk or the bottom bunk.”

Logan made a noise of amusement into his soda. Patton looked confused. “How do you misinterpret a question like that?” he asked.

“Uh, don’t worry about it, Pat,” Virgil said, as Logan actually started cracking up.

“No, I want to understand the joke! Tell me!” Patton said

“Don’t think about it as asking about bunks,” Virgil said.

“Top or bottom...not bunks? I don’t under--ooohhh,” Patton said, earning a fresh set of snickers from Logan. “Okay. I get it now.”

“Immature humor at its finest,” Virgil said drily. “Hey, what are you guys doing on Friday night?”

“I’m going on a date, why?” Patton asked.

“I’m looking for an excuse to get out of going home this weekend,” Virgil said. “Dad doesn’t work Saturday, so if I can’t go home Friday I’m set.”

“Just tell them you have too much homework,” Logan said.

“That doesn’t work on them. They just tell me to bring it with me.”

“Why don’t you want to go home?” Patton asked.

“I just want to relax on the weekend, you know? But since I’m not at home during the week, everyone in the house wants to hang out to an excessive degree and then I come back even more tired than I was.”

“Have you actually had a relaxing weekend at the dorm yet?” Logan asked.

“Shut up Logan,” Virgil said, with almost no bite to it. “What are you doing Friday?”

“Do you want me to shut up or do you want me to answer the question?”

“You know, actually I changed my mind. I think I’ll just go home instead,” Virgil said.

“I’m going to a concert with a lab partner and some of his friends,” Logan said, deciding that Virgil wanted him to answer the question instead of shut up. “It’s the, uh, Cosmic Brownies?”

Virgil gave him a look of disbelief. “Why?” he asked.

“Because I was invited?” Logan said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but Cosmic Brownies is like, the least ‘Logan Pensive’ style of music on this earth. Why would you even want to go?”

“So you’ve heard their music before? What style is it?”

“It’s shitty, tuneless, loud, punk rock kinda stuff. I had an ex who really liked it, trust me, it’s not your style of music.”

Logan shrugged. “I may not enjoy the music, but usually outings with friends are more about the friends than the outing.”

“You have friends? Wild,” Virgil said.

“I’m just as surprised that you’ve managed to have an ex,” Logan said.

“Wow,” Patton said. “You guys are mean today.”

Both Logan and Virgil paused for a moment. “You’re right, Patton, my apologies,” Logan said.

“We’re just tired, and that makes us both bitchy,” Virgil said.

“We shouldn’t let that affect our interactions though,” Logan said. “Maybe we should move to a different topic. Uhh, your date on Friday, maybe?”

Patton laughed. “That’s a very smooth transition, Logan.”

Logan scowled, feeling that he was being made fun of. “So who is this date of yours?” he asked.

“Tinder date. Hopefully not an axe murderer or something. We’ve been talking for about a week now.”

“You’re using a dating app?” Virgil asked.

“Yeah? How else would I be looking for love?”

“Join a club and pine hopelessly after someone nice looking until they notice?”

Patton laughed again. “Oh come on Virgil, this isn’t fanfiction. If you want love, you have to seek it out yourself.”

“Hm, have to agree with Patton on that,” Logan said. “It’s unreasonable to put the responsibility for noticing attraction on the other person. Best to be upfront about it.”

“Have you ever actually dated someone, Logan?” Virgil asked disbelievingly.

“Yes, I have!” Logan snapped. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m not really in a good mood for socializing. I think I’m going to go back to the dorm and take a nap or something until we have to go to chemistry.” He pushed back his chair and grabbed his tray.

“Are you going to be alright for game night?” Patton asked.

“I don’t know. We’ll see. I’ll see you later.” And with that, Logan left.

There were a few moments of silence where Virgil and Patton just ate their lunch. Finally, Patton asked, “So what’s going on with Logan?”

“He’s just bitchy,” Virgil said, rolling his eyes. “He needs like a billion hours of sleep and to be in bed by 10 pm and total darkness and no roommates trying to do their homework.”

“I thought you guys were trying to like each other now?”

“We are trying, it’s just...things don’t change overnight, you know?”

Patton frowned. “Well, I suppose so,” he said. Then, he thought of something. “Maybe you should get him one of those mask things for sleeping. That way he can have his total darkness and you can do your homework.”

“Ha!” Virgil said. “He’d probably take that as some kind of insult.”

“Maybe I’ll buy him one of those mask things for sleeping,” Patton said, grinning. “Then he’ll see it as just a gift.”

“I don’t know about that,” Virgil said. Patton was already pulling out his phone and looking up different masks. Virgil made a note of amusement. Patton was just so determined to make them get along.

“Do you think we should play Risk or Monopoly first?” Patton asked, scrolling.

“Probably Monopoly. We don’t want to end the night by ruining friendships.”

Patton laughed at that, and Virgil grinned.

~

When Roman got to the dorm, he thought Chemistry must have been cancelled, because he could hear Logan arguing, and who else would he be arguing with besides Virgil? Not wanting to miss this newest development in Roommates-not-Friends-ville, Roman quickly unlocked his door and slid into his dorm.

Logan was loud enough that Roman could hear his exact tone, but not quite loud enough to be clear. What was clear, though, is that he couldn’t hear anything from Virgil, and he doubted that Virgil would just stand pretty and let Logan yell at him. Roman really shouldn’t eavesdrop, but he was so darn curious. If it wasn’t Virgil that Logan was mad at, who could it possibly be? Logan always seemed pretty calm when it came to anyone else. Shoot, he was even pretty calm around Virgil. Roman didn’t think he’d ever heard Logan sound this angry.

He grabbed the plastic cup that was holding his pencils, shook the pencils out, and put it up to the wall to listen.

“--so was there an actual reason you called, or do you just want to complain about me?”

Muffled voice from the phone.

“Yeah, I figured. Somehow money’s always tight when it comes to the things I want to do, isn’t it? By the way, did you get that new Smith and Remington or whatever that you were talking about this weekend?”

Logan’s voice was very bitter, and very cold. The voice on the other end was outraged, but Roman still couldn’t make out what it was saying.

“I’m literally in training to be a scientist, and that’s still not enough for you! That’s what! God damn, a little support would be nice once in a while! But no, you and Mom are so miserable that you can’t see anyone else being happy or successful, and you have to ruin it for the rest of us!”

Oh shit, this was family issues. Yikes.

“Well maybe I don’t want to go to Thanksgiving either! Jesus Christ!”

Definite anger on the other side, though this time much quieter.

“Yeah yeah, I’m the family disappointment, absolutely shameful that we actually get a Pensive with thoughts of his own. Whatever. I have class. Say hi to Mom. Or don’t. I don’t care.”

There was silence for a moment, and then a quiet “Fuck.” Then it was followed by several more strings of swears that were angry and regretful all at once. Then there was some shuffling and a door shutting, which was presumably Logan getting on his not-so-merry way to class.

Something told Roman that game night was going to be a stressful event.

~

Next

#logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #sleep sanders #roommates #ask to tag #after one bajillion months i have finally updated this thing #i have edited this thing so many times pals #i still don't like it but it gets the job done #my fics #published: jun 7 2018

[low-spoonstudyspo]

HOW TO STUDY WHEN YOU HAVE, LIKE, ZERO SPOONS LEFT

I’ve gotten dressed, driven to work, worked for 8 hours, attended class (twice a week), and driven myself home. With drive time and class time included, my typical day is 10-12+ hours. I don’t know about you, but at this point in my day I have maybe one or two spoons left (one spoon equaling one completed task).

I have an autoimmune disease that leaves me exhausted and has basically destroyed my immune system. I’ve been sick six times (for more than a week each time) over the last six months. I work full time and I go to school full time. 

How do I function and still get A’s?

1. get the sleep you need

I need 9+ hours a night to fully function. That means I’m in bed by 10:30 latest. My fitbit app reminds me to start winding down around 10:00 PM - which I don’t always appreciate, but alas. I have to wake up by 8 AM at the latest, and I typically take about 20 minutes to fall asleep, so 10:30 is my sweet spot. 

2. throw away the caffeinated drinks - choose water

Soda, coffee, caffeinated drinks, and energy drinks might give you a tiny boost in the short run, but in the long run you’re ruining your sleep schedule and throwing your body way out of whack. Our bodies aren’t meant to consume caffeine (especially not in the quantities contained in the aforementioned beverages). Choose water instead. Your body is about 80% water, and it is essential to be properly hydrated. The more hydrated you are, the more you can maximize your spoons. 

The average human needs between 35-70 ounces of water. That’s roughly four 16 oz water bottles a day. Space them out. Drink one in the morning, one with lunch, one in the afternoon, and one in the evening. Before you know it, you’ve got your water in. If you’re going through caffeine withdrawal, try nibbling on some dark chocolate. Chocolate is a natural source of caffeine and it’s delicious - just don’t eat too much :)

3. baby steps

I don’t recommend trying to do all of your homework at once. I’ve found I can trick my body into doing homework at lunch if I switch straight from working to studying. I turn on some relaxing music and do one assignment every day at lunch. This might not work if you have found you can’t get through the rest of your day without a break between your working hours. It also may be impractical depending on where you work.

When I get home, I typically take some time to relax and then I do one more assignment before the evening is up.

Crunch time is reserved for the weekends. I space out my study sessions into one hour of studying and then two hours of free time. My free time might be used to throw in a load of laundry and then nap for a bit or I might just mess around online depending on the day. 

4. don’t beat yourself up

Didn’t drink all your water? That’s okay, just try again tomorrow. Didn’t get enough sleep? Try to get a nap in or go to sleep extra early to compensate. Gave into sugar cravings? We all need a little sweet stuff every now and then. Didn’t study at all today? Don’t panic. You can probably try to make it up in bits and pieces over the rest of the week. Didn’t do any of your assignments at all this week? Email your professor and explain your situation. Professors can be more understanding than you’d think especially if you have a medically documented illness or disability (I failed my first year of college because of my autoimmune disease and wasn’t going to be able to get financial aid because I hadn’t met my Satisfactory Academic Progress GPA. I reached out to the school and asked if there was anything that could be done. I spoke to someone who was able to help me get a medical waiver and I got financial aid. I turned it around my second year and every year since because I was given that second chance). Failed your first year? Or second year? Or multiple years? It sucks that that time and money is gone, but it isn’t the end of the world. Some schools don’t take your previous GPA into account when computing your GPA for the degree you receive at their school. Look into transferring. Try taking one class a semester. Ask for extra help. Emails are your best friend - I know that making trips to campus and getting dressed up to go to a special appointment takes up a lot of spoons for me because I also deal with anxiety, so I stick to emails as much as possible and only attempt trips on campus when I’m having a higher-spoon day. 

I failed senior year of high school. I failed my first year of college at a University across the country and moved home to attend community college. I thought it was the end of the world. I thought I had disappointed my mother and everyone else. I knew I had disappointed myself. 

I took two classes my first semester in community college (as opposed to taking five classes my first semester at University). At the end of the semester, I had a 4.0 GPA. I’ve taken one or two classes each semester ever since and three years later, I have a 3.6 GPA and I’m set to obtain my Associates in Business Administration AND my Associates in Science by the end of 2018. It’s still hard and some days (weeks - heck, semesters) still suck, but I’m gentle with my body. I work with my disease instead of trying to pretend it doesn’t exist (which is what I did my first year at Uni and which is exactly why I failed every single class). 

Good luck, and don’t be afraid to message me if you need anything :)

#studyblr #study motivation #studyspiration #studyspo #studygram #study #spoonie #spoon theory #spoons #low spoons #low spoon studyspo #school #engineering #mathematics #science

[helena-studyblr]

a post no one asked for!

hello so i reblogged a questionnaire a lil bit ago and i’m going to answer them now because...why not

1. how old are you?

im 18!

2.  are you in high school or college(university)?

college

3. what year or grade are you in high school or (university)? 

im a freshman in college

4. what is your school’s grading system look like? do you like it? what problems do you have with it, if any? 

so my university has a standard letter grade system for most classes and pass/fail for some courses that don’t really need a grade. i do like it because it’s what i’m used to, however, a lot of times having a letter grade system can be more stressful because it makes you feel like anything but some kind of A is mediocre and not good enough, when in reality, a 75% or above is better than average.

5. if you are in high school do you plan on going to university or college? if you are in college do you plan on finishing and if you do, do you plan on continuing on to other graduate or professional schools? 

i plan on going to veterinary school after i finish my undergraduate degree! if i end up changing my major to my second choice(music education is my second choice), then of course I won’t be going to vet school.

6. if you are high school what do you plan to study in college, if you plan to go. if not, what do you plan on doing after high school? if you are in college what is your major? do you plan on changing it? 

i am currently studying biochemistry and molecular biology and i have a minor in music! i dont plan on changing it at this point, but if i do, i’d change it to music education.

7. why are you picking or why did you pick what you are currently studying? 

i want to go to vet school, and biochemistry has almost all the requirements for vet school admissions. also, i find it interesting

8. do you go/plan to go to community college, technical college, or a four-year institution? how did you make your decision, or how do you plan to?

i am at a 4 year university, and i went here because it fits what i want to do

9. what factors did you consider when picking a college, or what factors do you plan on considering? 

the college I chose is in my hometown, which is probably one of the deciding factors(i really wanted to be close to home). the campus is very pretty and small as well, and i really wanted to go to a small college. i could have potentially gone to The Ohio State University because i’m about 20 minutes away, but the camous is so big and i know i would have hated it. the school also has a good music program, soi can continue playing even though it isn’t my major

10. what is your favorite pencil?

i love my muji mechanical pencil and also the papermate clearpoint!

11. what are your top three favorite pens?

pilot juice, muji gel pens, and sharpie pens

12. do you prefer wide-ruled paper, college-ruled, dot-grid, or graph paper? 

college ruled is my favorite for class notes, graph paper for revised/nice notes/math work, and blank for planning generally

13. do you use different types of paper for different courses or classes?

i use college ruled for almost everything except math homework(i use graph)

14. do you use a backpack/bag for school or college and what kind is it? why did you choose it? price, quality, function, design? 

i use a backpack, i have no idea what brand it is, but its the perfect size for everything i need to take to classes and its also really pretty(it has a black background with flowers on it)

15. what is your favorite outfit to go to class in and why? 

i generally wear leggings and a sweatshirt/sweater just because they’re comfy and also look cute! if its warm enough, i wear flip flops but if not, i wear my vans or converse.

16. what is something you always have to have in your backpack or bag?

usually my laptop and pencil case

17. what is your least favorite subject and why? 

math!!!!!!! will always hate. guarunteed. 

18. have you ever gone to tutoring, if so, how has it helped your academic endeavors? 

i have not

19. have you ever seeked academic counseling, if so has it helped you?

i haven’t

20. has your mental health ever suffered during high school or college, and what did you do to cope? 

holy shit yes. i suffer from depression and anxiety(depression for almost a year and anxiety for 4 years). i could make a whole post about this but in general, i make sure i give myself time to relax. it can be so so hard to take care of yourself when you suffer with things like this, so even if you can barely get out of bed, try to make time to do things that make you happy. for me, it’s drawing, netflix, and video games.

21. do you like to listen to music when studying? if so, what genre, if you have a playlist share it! 

i do listen to music! i just listen to music i like, which is rock/pop punk/alt rock/etc. (here’s one of my playlists!: https://open.spotify.com/user/helenakitten14/playlist/4R6ZGIlz8K5UDEk80cVfV5?si=cXK0z3HTRUKCQSKx9F8tNA )

22. do you prefer to study at a library or at home at your desk?

depends what i’m working on and how much i have to do. if i feel like i have to be totally focused, i go to the library, but if i have some time to take breaks and get distracted, i just stay in my room. I also hate going to the library on my own, so sometimes i stay in my room anyway if no one can come with.

23. what are your top three items you keep on your desk?

my lamp, my laptop, and whatever drink i’m drinking while working( i always have a drink so i avoid snacking lol)

24. do you feel as if you are more productive during the day or in the evenings? 

evenings for sure

25. if you exercise, do you feel as if it affects your productivity and if so how? 

i do marching band which is usually my exercise, but i don’t work out. working out just exhausts me and i don’t have energy to begin with(ye ye depression)

26. do you participate in any extracurriculars and if so how do you manage your time?

marching band and wind ensemble! i’m also joing KKPsi, which is an honorary fraternity for music service! i am not great at time management, however, i plan out everything to hold myself accountable

27. do you use a bullet journal, a planner, or to-do lists? do you use a combination of all three? 

i use a combo of all three! i’ve been bullet journalling a lot recently, but i also use a planner during busy weeks when i dont have time to make a spread and i make to do lists for weekends

28. do you have a note-taking style?

nothing specific

29. do you have a color-coding system?

i like to make every different topic/spread a different color. also, when i make notes, i like to highlight vocab words.

30. what do you believe is one of the most overrated studyblr trends? 

100 days of productivity. its impossible to be completely productive for 100 days straight. shit happens, and i understand the purpose of the 100 days challenge, but i think it also takes a toll on you mentally.

31. what are your career goals, how do you plan to reach them? 

i want to be a veterinarian or someone that works with animals somehow. i hope to go to vet school and then have my own practice or join another practice.

32. do you use a laptop? if so which model? how does it perform, would you reccomend it? if not, what model would you like?

i use a macbook air! it is nice because it is easy to transport, but occasionally the functionality can be questionable(storage space is always my issue). i do reccommend it, though. if i could get a new laptop, i’d probably get a macbook pro. 

33. do you use a tablet? if so which model? how does it perform, would you reccomend it? if not, what model are you interested in?

i don’t, but i think having an iPad would be nice!

34. if you post pictures to tumblr, do you use a camera or your phone, if so, what is the model? 

i use my iPhone 6s

35. 0.5, 0.7, or 0.9 pencil lead? 

usually .5 or .7

36. 0.5, 0.7, 0.9, or 1.0 pens? 

.5

37. how many hours a day do you spend studying? are your hours consistent daily or do they differ depending on assignments and exams? 

i tend to study for a majority of the day most days, but it always differs. i have no set timetable

38. how many courses do you take? what are they?

so i am in 8 courses right now. Biology, Gen Chem, Bio Lab, Gen Chem Lab, Calculus I, The History of rock n roll, Wind Ensemble, and Marching band.

39. how long until you graduate? in credit hours, semesters, or years?

i still have 3.5 years left of college, which is 7 semesters

40. how did you find the studyblr community?

honestly i dont remember, it was so long ago

41. how did the studyblr community impact you? 

i was in a big funk my sophomore year of high school. i had no motivation, i hated learning, i hated everything tbh. but them i found this community and it inspired me and showed me that studying can be fun and pretty while also being a learning experience!

42. do you go to school in the day or night?

day!

43. what is something you are too afraid to be involved in at school or college and why? 

 in high school, i was very afraid to get involved with a lot of things, such as theatre and some other clubs just because of anxiety.

44. do you type or write your notes? 

i write them mostly, but my biology professor talks really fast so i usually type notes for his class

45. what do you do on your breaks from studying? 

netflix, eat, play video games, probably other stuff i’m forgetting

46. how do you study for math exams?

honestly i just look through lecture notes and hope for the best. occasionally i do practice problems but not often

47. do you rewrite your notes at home after class, or do you just use the ones you have already? why? 

i rewrite them because it helps me memorize things

48. what are your least favorite courses and why?

math of any kind! i also hate biology right now just because my professor sucks

49. are you in a relationship while in school? if so, why? if not, why? 

i recently got out of a relationship, but im open to being in a relationship with someone

50. if you are in a relationship, how do you manage that along with your studies? 

it was very hard to manage it honestly, but i did what i could to make time, even if it was only just having a meal together. 

51. if you aren’t in a relationship, do you plan on entering one while still in school? explain. 

if i find the right person, yea! being in relationsips is great, especially because you have a companion to help you when you’re struggling

52. do you worry about GPA, if so why, if not why?

oh my god yes i do. i have to have a certain GPA to keep my scholarship money and to stay in the honors program, plus i just want to do well.

53. did you or do you plan to take the SAT or ACT, how did you feel about the exams? did you study for them? have you taken it more than once?

i did take both the SAT and ACT. i did well on each, but the SAT was a lot harder for me. I got a 1220(i think) on the SAT and a 31 on the ACT. i took the ACT twice

54. did you or do you plan to take the GRE, LSAT, PCAT, MCAT, DAT (or any other grad exam)? how did it go? how are you or how did you study for it? have you taken it more than once? 

i’m going to take the MCAT

55. do you or did you take AP classes is high school? how do you feel about how they prepared you for college? did your school require you to take the exam?

yes i did take AP classes! i took 9 total, and they overall did help me learn how to manage time better as well as how to study. we weren’t required to take the exams, but i always did

56. do you or did you do the IB program in high school? can you explain it more for those who are unfamiliar with it? 

i did not, however the IB program is basically an intensive high school honors program that is very writing intensive. its like AP on steroids

57. do your or did you take dual-enrollment classes? how did you feel about how they prepared you for college? 

i didnt but i wish i did!

58. how many colleges or universities did you apply to or not? and why?

i applied to 5 colleges. i already knew where i wanted to go, but i wanted to be safe just in case i didnt get in, so i applied to the 5 i was most interested in. I also wanted to see if any other schools would give me a lot more financial aid.

59. how did you make friends in college or high school?

through band! in both situations

60. has your friend group stayed the same throughout your time in school?

yes actually! i’m still very close to all my high school friends and a few of them go to my college as well. of course i’ve met new people but i. also still have the same friends

61. how does your friend group influence your goals?

we all have our own goals, we just encourage each other and act as an outlet for stress

62. what is your favorite thing to learn about in your free time?

music and current events

63. what is your favorite study snack?

i like to eat carrots/pretzels with hummus or oreos

64. what is one thing that can completely make you stop studying? 

being depressed or tired

65. are there days during the week that you keep completely free from studying? 

yes. wednesdays are my hell days class-wise, so i refrain from doing work on those days after my classes are over

66. what do you do when you have to hustle? where do you go? 

i dont know what this means

67. are your parents or family supportive of your goals? if so how does this affect you? 

they’re very supportive!

68. do you like to read? and do you ever have any free time to do so?

i really love reading but i never have time

69. do you wear a watch? why or why not? what kind? 

nope, they annoy me

70. do you like to drink coffee or tea when working? decaf? what do you add to it? why do you like to drink coffee or tea? 

coffee with full caffeine! i always add creamer, and i drink it because it wakes me up 

71. how do you organize your notes after your finish writing them? 

i have notebooks for every class and binders as well

72. what do you do with your notes after the year or semester is over?

i either recycle them if they won’t be necessary anymore or i keep them in my closet

73. what are your favorite studyblrs?

studyign, emmestudies, and a lot more that i can’t think of

74. what are your favorite studygrams?

same as above except add on focusign and revisign!

75. what is the biggest impact a teacher or a professor has had on you?

my band director was very impactful on my life just because he was my teacher for 5 years, so we had a good relationship

76. what is the biggest impact that a class has had on you?

my film and lit class had a massive impact on me. it made me think in very different ways

77. who is your inspiration and who do you look up to academic wise and career wise? 

my dad inspires me a lot because he worked so hard to find a career he loved and kept going until he got there. he’s also endlessly supportive of me

thats it! this took me so long hahaha anyway. thanks for reading!

#student #studying #studyblr #questions #study questions #q and a #study notes #my post #mine

[porchwood]

I wish I could even begin to articulate how difficult things are in my life right now. I’ve admitted to depression in previous posts but that’s barely a fraction of the picture. In mid-December I lost my just-barely-sustaining-me job because my boss closed her bodywork practice, and if you live anywhere with seasonal traffic, you know that the off-season is the worst possible time to find work, especially if you’re in a tourism-fueled industry. I was able to cobble together two days a week each at two different places (a spa and a yoga studio) but traffic is still painfully slow and no matter what the law says, no one wants to pay their therapists if there aren’t clients coming in. I’ve been creeping by on about $250 a week at a time of year when it costs $300-400 a month to heat an apartment to 60 degrees. (That’s the lowest possible temp at which I don’t have to keep Lucky in a sweater. :/ I can’t begin to comprehend why propane is so inefficient.) Thankfully I have a roommate (and a good one) to help offset utilities, but unfortunately, I’m dealing with a lot more than that.

There was a glitch with the direct deposit at my second job and I only just received all my wages for the month of January, which will significantly help out for the moment, but that money would have been awfully nice to have for groceries (and heat bills) in January. I’m not starving by any means, but I’m truly living week-to-week and I can physically tell that I’m not getting enough protein (because meat is expensive, even for a bargain shopper).

Right after Christmas I had a terrifying episode of chest pain and wound up in the emergency room at 1am. (I don’t go to the hospital for anything, so that should tell you what a desperate situation this was.) The hospital experience was terrible to say the least, and about three weeks later I got a bill for $1,343 (and a subsequent smaller one for my chest x-ray), because my Obamacare policy covered nothing. (Let that sink in, okay? They “adjusted” the fee but covered no part. Of an ER visit - in-network, no less! - which is the end-all reason everyone tells you that you need health insurance.) I applied for financial assistance right away, which required exhaustive paperwork, only to be informed that they need my 2017 tax return (this was before I’d even received my W-2s) or they would automatically reject my application. Which means I now have to come up with a couple hundred dollars to have my taxes done in order to - wait for it - qualify for a payment plan. It’s pretty clear that I’m not going to receive any assistance or bill forgiveness (if your income isn’t below a particular number - and ironically, my 2016 income was - it’s an automatic rejection), but they won’t even let you have a payment plan (for a $1,343 bill) unless you send them gobs of paperwork demonstrating sufficient financial need.

Lucky’s separation anxiety is relentless and responding to nothing, and I spent the month of January making weekly 90-minute round trips to a veterinary acupuncturist, to the tune of $400+ (maxing out my credit cards in the hope that finally, this would help). Lucky hated the treatments (and I hated myself for putting her through them), her anxiety only got worse and the day before my birthday, the downstairs neighbors left a note implying that if I don’t put her in daycare (which is a whole other mess of a subject), they’ll report us to the landlord.

That night was the lowest I think I’ve ever come in my life. Thankfully, my sister must have picked up on this somehow because she called to chat for a little, but it was the first time I actually looked up the contact info for Lifeline (didn’t call but looked it up), and when my poor roommate finally got home I broke down in ugly tears and told her about something bad that happened to me a long time ago that I’ve never told anyone.

Right now I’m...coping. I guess that’s the only word for it. I’m eating, bathing, dressing, going to work, going outside, etc - and most importantly, taking care of Lucky, who is my literal lifeline. I’ve found one last vet to try and we’re going in tomorrow for a consult, but my roommate is dubious about the chances of success and concerned that the neighbors will flip that I’m not putting Lucky straight into a kennel this week. But right now the future boils down to two equally awful prospects:

1) I get Lucky vaccinated for bordetella and board her at the safest place I can find, to the tune of $20-30 a day (plus round-trip drives of about 30-40 mins twice a day), and try to function at work. There’s no way I can afford those rates, of course, and most of these places only take cash, so I’ll have to get another credit card to pay for living expenses while my wages go to daycare. Or I could look into getting a third job, but that would mean another day or two of daycare to pay for, so I wouldn’t be getting ahead, I’d be exhausted out of my mind, and I’d never see my little girl, who is not a young dog anymore.

2) I move permanently back to Nebraska (in stages, because there’s no way I can afford a U-Haul anytime soon) and continue to pay my half of rent and utilities as long as my roommate wants to stay here. (That was our arrangement last winter and remains the only fair thing to do, really, especially as subletting is forbidden.) My sister would take me in at her tiny house and probably let me stay rent-free, but now my aging father is back in Nebraska, and while my sister and I would buffer each other as much as possible, we’d be expected (read: pressured) to serve as caregivers to some extent, especially me, because I’m a massage therapist. And there aren’t a lot of resources to help you deal with an elderly narcissist. (Fun example: Dad ranted to my sister that he didn’t know why I moved to Maine right before he returned to Nebraska because, and I quote, “She only went to massage school so she could take care of me!” He also lamented to a friend - in front of my sister - that he’s not going to get any more grandchildren because my still-unmarried sister is about to turn 40. Which is a horrible thing to say in and of itself, but I don’t think it even occurred to him in the moment that his youngest child doesn’t have a reproductive system anymore and that the loss of it made her want to die.) Someday I might tell you about the rift with my parents, if I haven’t already - it’s not the aforementioned bad thing from my childhood, but it effectively means that I don’t have parents anymore, not in any kind of supportive sense.

Anyway, I’m scared and weary and hopeless and I hate the assumption that when someone isn’t engaging through social media or responding to messages that they’re self-centered, snooty, having too much fun to bother, etc. My life began to crumble four years ago and has continued at a relentless snowball-roll ever since without getting minutely better or even letting up a little, and I can’t swim a lick so I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep treading water indefinitely. And I don’t want to talk about it because even the nicest of those conversations start with “Are things getting any better?” and the answer is always, ALWAYS, “No.”

I don’t expect sympathy or support, because four years of relentless crap have taught me that the worse your life gets, the less people care. It becomes part of your identity to them (”Well, sounds like Elisabeth’s having some trouble again...”) and, I suspect, starts to paint you as a person who just can’t figure it out/get on in the real world, not someone who’s being subjected to an inordinate amount of bad fortune. I’ve had to fight tooth and nail just to survive these past four years, and if God and the world could agree that, just maybe, I finally deserve a little break, maybe I could stop subsisting and start rebuilding from the wreckage.

#personal #bad life stuff #thanks for listening #long post

[your-dietician]

NHL officiating in the playoffs has been nothing short of haphazard

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/nhl/nhl-officiating-in-the-playoffs-has-been-nothing-short-of-haphazard/

NHL officiating in the playoffs has been nothing short of haphazard

You may be thinking of several more incidents left unmentioned. Maybe something from the Bruins’ playoff run?

Rage against the referees has been a part of hockey since the puck was a chunk of wood and the sticks were fashioned from saplings. There used to be a few cameras in the building, and now there’s a few hundred, and we can clearly see what the officials a few feet away miss, as the players skate by in a blur. Maybe we should accept that they’re going to miss some bad ones.

Judging by the numbers, nothing should change. On average, officials call more penalties in the playoffs than in the regular season. According to the NHL, playoff games in the last two seasons have averaged 8.33 penalty calls, compared with 7.05 during the regular season.

But that doesn’t sound right, does it? When the prize is greater, players battle harder, empty their tanks completely, finish checks more violently. Why aren’t there more penalties called?

NHL deputy commissioner Bill Daly, through a league spokesperson, told the Globe that players, not officials, determine the calls.

“Officials are directed and encouraged to call the same standard as in the regular season,” Daly said. “That’s always been the case, but it’s been an even greater point of emphasis in recent years. What changes in the playoffs is the way the game is played on the ice, and that changes how officiating is perceived.”

Not everyone buys that.

“It’s different from regular season to playoffs. The refs are letting a little bit more stuff go,” Vegas winger Jonathan Marchessault said, calling it “adversity that teams need to face in the playoffs. Good teams will find a way to go through it. Just have to battle through it. Find a way.”

More bluntly, NBC analyst Brian Boucher tweeted he was “tired of people crying about officiating. Deal with it!”

Sure … but … why? Do we want what amounts to a different rulebook for the postseason?

Does it make sense that Connor McDavid can go eight games over the last two playoffs without drawing a penalty, despite numerous clear-cut infractions against him? Analyst Rachel Doerrie said she watched every McDavid shift from the Oilers-Jets series and counted 30 non-calls. McDavid, as you’d expect from the league’s premier talent, had the most offensive-zone puck possession time of any player during the regular season, according to Sportlogiq. He earned 53 penalty calls in 120 games, ranking sixth in the NHL. Not one penalty call in the postseason?

Longtime NHL official Kerry Fraser, who retired in 2010, said the missed calls this year have been “troublesome,” pointing to a “regression” in the performance of veterans in stripes.

“This is painful to say, and to watch, because I know all these guys, and worked with some of them,” Fraser said on TSN 1050 in Toronto. “They’re good people. They don’t deserve the kind of work that they’re putting forth.

“That’s not fair. That’s not right. As a player, you would look at yourself first. But you would also look at the kind of direction you’re getting … you’ve got to look at the game plan.”

Paul Stewart, the longtime former NHL ref from Dorchester, noted in a phone conversation that officials don’t have regular pregame meetings during the season, but they do in the playoffs. That’s where all kinds of bugs can be put in their ears — like “No. 11 is cheating on faceoffs,” he said, conjuring an example that would perk the ears of Bruce Cassidy.

Though the league has denied it, “letting the players play” is a long-accepted practice. A few seasons ago (2017), the NHL told its men in stripes to focus on slashes to the hands. That’s how we get what happened in Game 4 of Vegas-Montreal: Joel Edmundson retaliated by cross-checking William Carrier into the boards (no call), Suzuki hooked Alec Martinez on the hands (penalty).

“This is an annual event,” Fraser said. “We have one set of rules in the regular season, and then a whole different standard in the playoffs.

“Yes, we like to let them play, but when you let the players decide the outcome of a game, which I never subscribed to, then you’re actually as a referee letting things go that could affect the outcome of the game.

“Draw the line. Players will play within it. They’re smart. But if you let the inmates run the prison, the warden might as well take his skates off and watch it on TV.”

Canada’s best

Canadiens an unlikely finalist, or are they?

Few expected to see the Canadiens in the Stanley Cup Final, but the Habs are four wins away from lifting their first Cup since 1993.Vaughn Ridley/Getty

This is as deep as the Canadiens have been in a generation. They have not been to the Stanley Cup Final since 1993, when they won the most recent Cup in their (and Canada’s) history.

And they got there on an overtime goal. The last time they went to the Final on an OT winner was … for the sake of anyone who remembers 1979, let’s not go there. Already too much discussion of penalties here.

But give the Habs their props. They took it to a Vegas team that rolled over the West Division, and now we have to question whether the West, not the North, was the weakest division in hockey. The Knights went a combined 33-6-1 against the Ducks, Coyotes, Kings, Sharks and Blues, two of which (Arizona and St. Louis) made the playoffs last year. They split with Colorado (4-4-0) and went 3-4-1 against surprising Minnesota.

Entering the postseason, the commonly held belief was that Colorado, Vegas and Tampa were the three best teams, and that an eventual Avalanche-Knights series would be a de-facto Cup Final. But the Avs flunked out, and the Habs shut down that raucous party in the scorching desert summer.

This, from a team that fired Claude Julien and finished 18th in the regular-season standings. Montreal was supposed to be blown out by Toronto in the first round. But after offing the Maple Leafs in seven (coming back from a 3-1 deficit) and sweeping the Jets, here they are.

Not enough offense? Young talent too unreliable? Carey Price is washed up? Oublie ça. Forget it.

A major key, to this eye: after Julien was fired in February, interim coach Dominique Ducharme — who last week gave way to assistant Luke Richardson because of a positive COVID-19 test — asked his team to play more passively in the neutral zone. Similar to the Islanders, the Canadiens play patient and reliable defense, work as a unit, and strike off turnovers. They don’t dominate the puck or own the offensive zone. It doesn’t matter. They had 14 different goal scorers, a dozen among the forwards.

Nick Suzuki is making plays all over the ice, showing why Julien liked to compare him with a Patrice Bergeron-in-training. Shutdown center Phillip Danault neutralized Mark Stone (0-0—0, seven shots) to a degree rarely seen, after having a similar effect on the Maple Leafs’ Auston Matthews. Brendan Gallagher, after missing the last six weeks of the regular season with a broken thumb, is back in his heart-and-soul role, irritating Vegas stalwart Alex Pietrangelo enough to draw consistent attention away from the play. Corey Perry is still an on-ice jerk, albeit one with some gas left in his tank.

Montreal leans heavily on four big defenders (Ben Chiarot, Shea Weber, Jeff Petry and Joel Edmundson), all of whom play 23-25 minutes a night. Jon Merrill (13) and Erik Gustafsson (sub-10) don’t see much action, the latter used mostly for power plays. Montreal is 11-0 this postseason when scoring twice. While Price has been stellar, he isn’t making a slew of spectacular stops. He’s seeing pucks.

It’s a team that blends age (Perry and Eric Staal, both 36; Weber, 35; Price, 33) with youth (Suzuki, 21; Jesperi Kotkaniemi and Cole Caufield, 20) and had enough grit to withstand whatever Vegas threw its way.

Caufield, the Habs’ version of Alex DeBrincat, scored four times in the series, including a Game 6 goal that showed his touch, acceleration, shot and verve. After Vegas netminder Robin Lehner shut him down on a Game 4 breakaway and cracked how five-hole or high glove were Caufield’s two moves, the rookie roasted him upstairs.

After sitting Caufield for the first two games against the Leafs (and Kotkaniemi for Game 1), Ducharme found one of the breakout stars of the playoffs. Game 6 was the ex-Wisconsinite’s 24th career game, his 14th in the playoffs. Caufield won the Hobey Baker some 10 weeks ago. He can still win the Calder Trophy next year.

If Tampa is next, Montreal won’t shrink. They enter the final having killed 30 consecutive power plays — a league-record 13 straight games without a PPG allowed — so why would the Lightning’s man-advantage scare them?

Abuse allegations

Ex-Blackhawks video coach accused of sexual assault

Think of the Chicago Blackhawks of the 2010s and what comes to mind? Probably the names of star players — Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, Duncan Keith — and the three Cups they won.

The legacy of that team might be shifting.

TSN recently uncovered stunning claims of sexual assault on the watch of the Blackhawks’ management. The Canadian outlet reported that two former Blackhawks reported to then-skills coach Paul Vincent in May 2010 that they had been abused by video coach Brad Aldrich, who went on to abuse others at subsequent career stops.

Vincent, of Beverly, told TSN recently his plea to Hawks management to take the allegations to Chicago police was rejected. He says he is willing to testify on behalf of the plaintiffs in court.

In May, two unnamed players filed lawsuits against the franchise, alleging the team covered up alleged abuses by Aldrich.

According to multiple reports, Aldrich was convicted of abusing a 17-year-old player in Houghton, Mich., in 2013. He resigned from his position as Miami University hockey operations months before, under suspicion of “unwanted touching of a male adult,” according to police records obtained by TSN.

A former Blackhawks marketing official told TSN that Alrdich would “routinely befriend young interns” and invite them to hang out at his Chicago apartment. The official said he was told to “steer clear” of Aldrich because he had “tried something” with a few players, and that “the entire training staff, a lot of people knew” about Aldrich’s behavior — it was “open secret,” the official said.

It is a situation the Blackhawks and the NHL must address. Neither entity has commented.

Raising awareness

Ex-Stars defenseman roller-blading for mental health

Former Stars defenseman Stephen Johns is roller-blading and road-tripping across the US to raise awareness for mental health.Ron Jenkins/Associated Press

Got big summer plans? Stephen Johns didn’t, until a couple weeks ago.

The former Dallas defenseman, who did not play last season because of post-concussion syndrome, retired June 13 and announced a new adventure: he’s roller-blading and road-tripping across the US to raise awareness for mental health.

Johns, from Wampum, Pa., reports he traveled from Pittsburgh to Wisconsin in his first week, logging roughly 40 miles a day. He’s on three wheels, with a helmet, elbow pads and wrist guards, and has a friend, Jeff Toates, driving alongside him, documenting the trip and carrying necessities. There has been lace bite and leg burn. In Chicago, the former Notre Dame standout skated to Lake Michigan and did a front flip into the water.

The genesis of the trip was Johns’s battle with depression, which sank him during a 2018-19 season in which he suffered a head injury during training camp in Boise, Idaho. He did not play the entire season. After 22 months away from the game, he returned to play 17 games in 2020, earning a finalist nod for the Masterton Trophy.

Johns recently wrote on Instagram that he was “tired of letting depression destroy my life,” and wanted to provide the same kind of inspiration to those facing their own battles.

“What I miss most about the game of hockey is providing inspiration,” he wrote. “If I can inspire one person to climb out of their hole, then that’s a successful trip.”

Loose pucks

Former Flyers coach Dave Hakstol is taking over the expansion Seattle Kraken ahead of their first season.Ken Lambert/Associated Press

Swerve in Seattle: Dave Hakstol, who coached the Flyers (and made a pair of first-round exits) from 2015-19 and was a Maple Leafs assistant the last two years, is the expansion Kraken’s first head coach. Hakstol did good work with Toronto’s defense (in two years, 26th to seventh in goals against). Bruce Cassidy and Mike Sullivan, among many others, would tell you that all you need is a second chance … Gerard Gallant, the Rangers’ replacement for David Quinn, wants to coach the “hardest-working team in the league,” which is a thing often said during introductory press conferences. Will GM Chris Drury add a few gritty types to fill out the roster? Are the Rangers a playoff team next season? We say yes, and no … Expecting some team to overpay for Vegas’ Alec Martinez, the defense-first, top-four defender with two Stanley Cup rings from Los Angeles. Same feeling about Tampa’s David Savard and Blake Coleman, and whichever UFAs the Islanders don’t re-sign on their fourth line … The Sedin twins are back in Vancouver, Canucks GM Jim Benning hiring them as special advisers to learn the management side. “We care about this team,” Henrik said, noting that he and brother Daniel have a lot to learn. Any fresh ideas on how to sign RFAs Elias Pettersson and Quinn Hughes, with $15 million in cap space and a roster that currently includes 15 skaters? … The NWHL’s Toronto Six made a splashy move, hiring Hockey Hall of Famer Angela James as an assistant coach … Who’s going to be a more interesting TV analyst: Wayne Gretzky on Turner or Mark Messier on ESPN? Not expecting spicy takes from either … RIP to René Robert, a member of the Sabres’ famed French Connection line, who died at 72. Robert gave Buffalo its first win in a Stanley Cup Final game by finishing Game 3 against the Flyers in 1975 with an OT strike in a foggy Buffalo Auditorium … Podcast recommendation: Bernie Corbett’s “Games People Play,” featuring lengthy interviews with a range of sports figures (including the Globe’s Bob Ryan and John Powers). Hockey subjects include Keith Tkachuk, Theo Fleury, Bryan Trottier and Eddie Johnston … Draft trivia: forward Cole Sillinger, a first-round prospect, is the son of well-traveled Mike Sillinger, who made an NHL-record 12 stops during his 18-year career. Cole was born during his father’s two-year stay in Columbus … The aluminum bottles and cans were likely empty — why would anyone waste a drop? — when Islanders fans celebrated a Game 6 win by giving the Nassau Coliseum sheet a silver shower. Throwing objects is normally a protest, not a celebration, but that’s life at the old barn in Uniondale. “That building coming into overtime was smelling like cigarettes,” mused winning goal-scorer Anthony Beauvillier. “Now it smells like beers.”

Matt Porter can be reached at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter: @mattyports.

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[wiym]

MY BIRTH STORY

Trigger warning/s: Birth trauma and postnatal mood disorders

Less than a quarter of healthy, low risk, first time parents will have a normal birth in an Australian hospital. With the recent release of Birth Time: the documentary in Australia and New Zealand, I felt that revisiting my birth story was timely.

It’s a clichéd adage but it’s true: for me, the birth plan went well and truly out the window. In fact, it was never let into the building.

EST. READING TIME: 5 minutes

In my early twenties, I used to avoid making eye contact with the family planning section at the chemist. These days I have an emergency stash of tests in my bedside drawer. I’m not even late - my period tracker says it’s due today - but I have a nagging feeling that won’t go away.

I pee on the stick, and there’s only one line. Oh well. I shrug, insouciant, throw out the test and go about my day.

Until four in the afternoon, when I sit bolt upright on the couch and realise that I, generally a rule follower, hadn’t waited for that result. In fact, the box tells you to wait five minutes. So much for sitting on the couch with an egg timer.

 I dig through the bin and in my shaking hands is a positive pregnancy test (note: those trying to conceive affectionately refer to this as a BFP). I test again, and again. I can’t wait, I race in my car to Victoria Park where my boyfriend of two years is working, with three BFPs sitting in the cup holder.

And so begins the uncontrollable for the Type A control freak.

In a pandemic, there are already things I can’t control. I’m redeployed to a different unit at my work and can no longer take potential COVID patients.

I’m anxious, exhausted and most of all - experiencing morning sickness that will turn into hyperemesis. Then, I have to take extended time off work.

As I do with most things, I jump straight into the deep end of pregnancy world and obsessively research. I avoid the foods you’re meant to avoid, and I buy all of the pre-baby accoutrements. Birthing ball, new yoga mat (and maternity yoga pants to boot), and the books. Oh my god, the books.

I do the hypnobirthing classes and listen to birthing stories while hiking with my dogs.

Being pregnant is simultaneously my new persona and hobby. I honestly still wouldn’t change a thing now, in spite of what I know, because even through vomiting for 7, nearly 8, months; I love being pregnant with all my heart.

I neatly type up a birth plan, beautifully formatted and fonted. Natural, natural, natural. No episiotomy. No pain relief. Don’t even offer it to me - I’ll ask. No interventions unless necessary. Delayed cord clamping. Immediate skin to skin. Quiet, low lighting, music. To me, this was a covenant between myself and the computer. Absolute, resolute and set in stone.

By the third trimester my partner and I have the hospital bag meticulously packed, nursery ready, and the big waiting game to do. Eager for our little family to be complete.

At my 38 week appointment, our obstetrician informs us that baby isn’t showing any signs of coming any time soon. I take that as a challenge and research a litany of labour-inducing old wives’ tales.

PSA: none of these actually work. If you are healthy with no complications, your baby will come when ready. Don’t rush. Even when you feel as if you can’t possibly be pregnant for single millisecond more. Your baby isn’t term until 40 weeks.

But here’s the kicker; the impending threat of an induction and/or caesarean looms overhead. I’m told I am a small girl. He appears to be a big baby. His head isn’t engaged at all. And that the clock is ticking.

Now I wonder what might have happened had that idea never been put into my head. If I had been given the space to accept my birth as it would come. Real birth. Normalised.

The pitfalls don’t just lie with mainstream media. You are being sold something. The expensive classes will tell you that having a natural birth without medication is possible, if you buy our book. The private obstetrician will tell you that you need an induction, an epidural, a caesarean; pay us.

At 39 weeks, the Friday before Christmas, my baby is showing signs of coming. What follows is 9 days of latent, or prodromal, or pre, or (my least favourite term) false labour.

On the Monday we go into hospital. With contractions 3 minutes apart, we are told my cervix and uterus aren’t agreeing. Simply put: head isn’t engaging, cervix isn’t dilating. And that I’ll know it when I’m in real labour.

During the week that follows I try exercises from Spinning Babies to get some relief from the round the clock contractions, Jack gives me massages and on one night I even give a glass of red wine and a bubble bath a go.

Websites that want to sell me something tell me that it’s because I’m too stressed for the labour to progress. Try our tea. 

Why are we capitalising on something so sacred as birth?

 I walk with one foot on the curb and one foot on the path - and I do this for kilometres. Through King’s Park in 30-degree heat. Along the coast. Around the neighbourhood.

On Christmas Eve, I can’t sleep, speak or move through the contractions and we wait as long as possible. We camp on the fold out bed in the living room (those without air conditioning throughout improvise), the birthing playlist quietly crooning and candles burning. I do my breathing and mantras; relax, relax, relaaaaax. And the contractions stop as abruptly as they started, 20 hours later.

I cry. Low keening, animalistic sobbing. I don’t understand what is happening to me. I don’t feel confident in making the choice whether or not to go to the hospital anymore.

They tell you the hospital is the safest place to birth and in the same breath tell you to avoid the hospital unless you’re damn near crowning.

I’m new to this. It’s my first time. I feel scared, unsupported and alone. I’m in so much pain.

I just want to meet my baby.

 Barely two days later, I shake Jack awake. I’ve got a Miss Clavel feeling. Something is not right. Instinctively I know that after nine days of exhausting labour that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, I will be too tired to push.

I call the hospital and ask if I can come in.

Have you just had enough? A voice asks on the other end.

So I don’t take the Panadol or the shower or the bath. We roll into the birthing unit and I’m put on the monitor. Like the High Striker at a fairground, I get the sense that the rolling peaks on the screen need to reach acceptable heights before I’m taken seriously.

The midwife is watching for decelerations, which don’t happen, but also doesn’t see any accelerations. My baby is tired, and I don’t blame him.

And then I am asked the question.

What do you want to get out of being in hospital today? Do you want to have your baby?

I nod, because yes. So comes the new plan. Break my waters and start the syntocin drip tomorrow. Temazepam and Panadeine Forte tonight. So quickly everything I imagined for my birth is going out the window, but I’m desperate.

The next morning we waddle into the birthing suites to start my induction bright and early. I feel robbed of the moment my waters break as it is cracked with something that looks like a crochet hook on a glove. With a gush and then a steady trickle, all the amniotic fluid keeping my baby safe and sound floods out. My obstetrician tells me it’s meconium stained, the paediatric RN in me fleetingly panics. But it is all systems go. I race from active labour to transition. I can only focus on the contractions.

I want my mum.

I’m offered the epidural I’d refused the day prior again but I shake my head. Not in the birth plan. Gas and air only, please. I end up screaming into the Entonox mouthpiece every 2 minutes and throw up all over myself before I allow myself the grace of an epidural. Which only works for about fifteen minutes before I’m once again writhing and screaming, one leg ice numb but the rest of me on fire. Intense pressure between my legs, the urge to push. But it’s only been a couple hours.

My mum arrives in the hospital. On the birth plan, she was meant to be waiting outside. She stands near me now, in the birthing suite.

I’m making noises I am not proud of and inform my midwife of my need to push. Oh, it’s too soon? Pardon me. Before the midwife’s assessment I steel myself to be told I am nowhere near, after a week of disappointment and being nowhere near.

Oh. You’re having a baby.

I ask if we need to wait for the doctor when she tells me she’s calling my obstetrician.

No, she laughs. You don’t have to wait.

With my knees to my chest, I’m told to stop pushing and so I stop. Afterwards, my partner tells me that our son was getting distressed despite my best efforts to get him out and the obstetrician was pulling back on the cord that was tight around his neck. And my poor tired baby’s heart rate drops dangerously. I’m given a deadline to push him out, but I can’t and I’m given the episiotomy I had expressly verboten on my birth plan. He is vacuum assisted out. He is safe.

I’m handed a small, beanlike baby covered in blood and vernix. I kiss him and end up with blood on my face. He doesn’t cry.

He’s taken off my chest and it feels like the longest pause before he lets out the best scream I’ve ever heard.

My mum looks at me. He’s beautiful, she mouths. Is he okay? He’s okay.

My partner cuts the cord. No delayed cord clamping, breathing is more important. Oliver is soon enough placed back onto my chest.

And he is beautiful.

What starts days later as the baby blues progresses into postnatal depression and anxiety. It took me a long time to accept what happened was birth trauma. That my birth story is ridiculously common, even amongst my group of friends, and that’s not due to our failure as the birthing parent. I can’t tell you how long I felt I only had myself to blame for having false expectations. And how much value I put into my ability to birth the “right” way as a direct translation of my ability to mother. How I felt that my son’s birth complications were my fault (it wasn’t). Too many Australian birthing parents are made to feel this way.

So I write this birth story once more, and I let go of what happened for my own sake. I didn’t fail. My son is beautiful, and worth every second of the agony it took to get him here.

A previous version of this post was published on my friend’s blog Mummy Neutral as ‘Type A and the Uncontrollable Pre-Labour’ in January 2021.

Please check her blog out as she posts some really raw and beautiful insights into pregnancy, birth and motherhood.

If you’re feeling distressed about anything discussed or about your own birth experience, please click the life ring symbol at the top of my blog for some helpful links. Call Lifeline on 13 11 14 if you need immediate assistance.

Birth Time: the documentary is showing in select cinemas now. You can visit the website to find out more and if you have birthed in Australia in the last 5 years, you can complete a survey about your experience.

#blog #birthing #April 2021

[magicrobins]

Dare you to answer all 100 of those questions

Well shit man I feel challenged.

All questions answered under the cut.

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?

As in boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope, single af over here :P

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

Uhh probs? I mean I don’t really remember but it probably wasn’t a big thing.

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

My kitty, my little pumpkin, Freckles uwu

4: What’s something you really want right now?

To finish answering these questions? JK JK lmao!

I’d really like to see one of my best friends again, for like more than just one day but like I always really want that.

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?

In a way, yes. I’m afraid that I’ll fall in love with someone I’m not meant to be with and have my heart broken. I’m afraid I’ll fall in love with someone who won’t like that I’m sex repulsed, who won’t like that I don’t think I’d want to have kids, or at least little kids/babies. I know the right person won’t mind any of that, but I’m afraid of falling for the wrong person before I fall for the right one.

6: Do you like the beach?

Yes! I like looking for seashells but I stay the fuck away from the ocean.

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

I haven’t fallen asleep on a couch, that I’m aware of, but one of my best friends and I cuddled on one while relaxing during a 24 film contest.

8: What’s the background on your cell?

A picture of Korrasami from the LOK comic.

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?

Name the last four beds?? Uh my own, my dad’s, and my sister’s?

10: Do you like your phone?

Meh. It’s a good phone but since some iOS update, it’s been a real bitch. :/

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

Ahahahaha no. Some things are nice, some things are… what they are. I didn’t plan to spend four years at MJC but I’m getting my AA degree at the end of this year. I didn’t plan to want to continue my schooling and get a Bachelor’s/Master’s in archaeology but that’s because I’d y’know buried that dream deep down ‘cause I thought I wasn’t smart enough (still sometimes feel like that but I got this, don’t worry). I didn’t plan to actually get into theater and want to minor in theater. I didn’t plan to get hella into Dungeons & Dragons and play in two campaigns, DMing one, and uploading the videos to YouTube but hey, I like how that turned out. I didn’t plan on being stuck with writer’s block majority of the time and restarting the same book over ten times. All in all, life’s not really going how I’d planned but at the same time, I hadn’t really made a plan. I just sort of let it take its course, I guess?

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

Oh a friend of a friend’s who joined this RPG campaign that’s based on the Dresden Files. She was added to the group chat so I added her number. :)

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

Uhh I’d rather have both, duh.

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

Emotional by far. I’ve dealt with physical pain for like four years now in my left shoulder (finally getting that fixed this summer) and while it can hurt so much that it makes me cry, I’ll take it over emotional pain. That’s probs not a good thing but that’s how I feel.

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

I like the zoo, but I’d rather go to an art museum. I adore museums and don’t go to them as often as I’d like.

16: Are you tired?

Who isn’t? It’s past 11pm rn so yeah, I am lol.

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

My first phone contact was probs my parents and sister so my whole life lol.

18: Are they a relative?

Yep ;P

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

I have one ex and I’d have to say no. Nothing against him, it’s just that I don’t have romantic feelings for him. I don’t want to date someone I don’t have romantic feelings for.

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

Not like a kiss on the cheek, I’m guessing? If so, then no one :P

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

Mm, I’d probs say yes if they proposed. A wedding takes time to plan though! ;P

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Haven’t ever kissed anyone -shrugs-

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

None, but I usually wear at least one on my right wrist if I’m not wearing long sleeves.

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

No really, sorry.

25: What’s on your mind?

“Dear God, there’s a lot of questions!” lmao

26: Do you have any tattoos?

Nope. I’d like some but I’m terrified of pain and needles. ^^”””

27: What is your favorite color?

Red!

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

Shit idk? At this point it’s looking like never lmao

29: Who are you texting?

No one atm. Last person I sent a text to was my sis.

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

…Y’all just keep wanting to rub in that I ain’t ever kissed anyone before lmao!

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Probably. :| I also probably caused that bad thing to happen.

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

Yep! uwu

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

I mean there’s someone I’d love to have feelings for me but no, I don’t think so. It might be the insecurities talking, but no one, to my knowledge, has had feelings for me in a while.

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Uhh aside from parents or family?? Shit I can’t remember, but y’know what? I have damn pretty eyes. I have pretty hazel eyes ok lmao.

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

Then that person would be kissing air ‘cause I haven’t ever kissed anyone lmaooo

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

Every Valentine’s Day, yes. :’)

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

Yes. I’m friends with Nobody. xDDD

38: What do your friends call you?

Depends on the friends and when they met me. Friends who I’ve known since high school called me by my full first name, “Briana.” Friends I’ve met online or at college call me by my nickname, “Anna.”

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Not that I can think of… Irritated, sure, but not really upset.

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

Pfffffffffffffffffffffft…. Of course.

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

Uhh I don’t have any atm but probs on my leg?

42: What is it from?

Hell if I know -shrugs-

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

That hasn’t been for a while… I usually feel this way when I go to class in the beginning when I don’t really know anyone, especially if I’m put in front of the class to talk. (This happened a lot in the beginning of the acting class I took.)

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

My dad. Called him to let him know the fucking hide away door was busted again… I hate that door.

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

All of my boots. uwu

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

Yep! Mostly depends on the outfit, but majority of the time I’ll wear this Code Geass hat I have.

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

Fuck no.

48: Do you make supper for your family?

Pffft no.

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

Yes.

50: Top 3 web-pages?

According to Chrome, the top three I go to is YouTube, Tumblr, and Facebook.

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Maybe? I’m not sure.

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

My left shoulder. For the past four years. :’)

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

Depending on who they’re with. Saying “goodbye” to one of my best friends when he moved to Arizona was… that was painful.

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Probs Dr. Pepper.

55: How is your hair?

Fine atm. It’s not combed but I don’t mind how it looks rn.

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

Check my phone.

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

Yes, anythings possible.

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

When aren’t I? Lol yes, I was.

59: Green or purple grapes?

Meh either is fine with me.

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Idk, when they need it?

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

…I’m not sure, tbh.

62: When will be the next time you text someone?

Tomorrow? Idk.

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Home, in bed. :P

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.

Sleeping ;P

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yes.

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Absolutely.

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

My cat lmao

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I don’t really remember, sorry :/

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Probably.

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

Two - five tabs in Chrome though.

71: How many fingers do you have?

…Ten?

72: What is your ringtone?

Just some generic ring tone.

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

Still 23 :P

74: Where is your Mum right now?

At her house probs.

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

Let’s go with “almost in love” ‘cause idk wtf falling in love feels and idk if you can fall in love with someone who you have strong feelings for but never dated.

To answer the question, though: ‘cause I was a closeted af idiot. I mean, in all honesty, I understand why I was closeted. I was refusing to admit to even myself that I wasn’t straight. I get why I was so scared but like… in hindsight I wish I’d been open with myself and open with this person.

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

Nope.

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Absolutely!

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

…Wtf is year 7? Is that 7th grade? If so, I was homeschooled then so didn’t have a crush. :P

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

I have a few family members with that name.

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

Nope.

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

Mm one person but that’s just ‘cause I legitly don’t know how to move on, like no one’s really told me a good way to move on so my brain is just like “What to do with these unrequited feelings fuck :|”

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

I have ;D lmao

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

Mm probs not? Not unless they text me. I texted them yesterday, didn’t get a response but I know they’ve been busy.

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

Idk? I don’t drink so idk why I’d get drunk.

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

Yes.

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

I saw Black Panther. Enough said. uwu

87: Who was your last received call from?

Probs the hospital to schedule an appointment?

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

Wtf no!! DDD:

89: What is something you wish you had more of?

Either money specifically to pay for school, or filming equipment so I can film the D&D sessions how I’d like to film them. :|

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Maybe? Idk.

91: Do you sleep with your window open?

Nope. Door open but window closed.

92: Do you get along with girls?

Lmao I like to think so.

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

Um idk? I mean I’ve never told the person I had (have?) strong feelings for that I’ve had those feelings and how long I’ve felt that way but like idk if they need to know that?

94: Does sex mean love?

No. You can have sex without love and love without sex.

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

I’d be alone. :|

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

Idk does Nobody have a lip ring? lmaoooo

97: Did you sleep alone this week?

Nope, I have my cat and my dog. uwu

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

Yes. I have my friends, my pets, and someone special to me.

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes. I don’t believe everyone experiences it - everyone falls in love in different ways - but I believe it’s possible.

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

Uhhhh idk? That was probs years ago?

#i dID IT #-collapses- #ask anna #magicanon #my life