#because it feels like i have holes in my brain

[poppy-metal]

Bro patrick is def a mocking/degradtion/asshole fn. like im just thinking of him sitting down, manspread, head lazily lulled to the side with that dumbass smirk. He still has his boxers on instructing you, move by move. "go ahead and take off my boxers." And if you did it too hastily he'd make you do it all over again.

He'd tut at you for gagging on his cock when its "not even all the way in"

He laughs at you when youre all teary-eyed with all of his fluids on your face out of breath. "Awe, you're all out of breath? womp womp. Go. deeper."

he'd mock you while youre breathlessly pleading for him to stop hitting that gummy part inside of you over, and over again. "what? you want me to whattt? I didnt hear you." he smirks

"pl..please stop...pa..patrick please.."

"oh! ohhhhh ok. 'Patrick stopppp..Patrick pleaseeee" He laughs. "patrick please stop what? tell me what you want i might stop." He hisses every last pound harder and slower.

"cmon and lick the sweat off my balls." he'd order you after practice, Hands holding his cock back so you wouldnt miss one spot.

omfg we all know pat is a FREAKKKKKKKKK like i ust know he loves that nasty shit. 😵‍💫😵‍💫

womp womp LMAOO

love how we're all brought together by the thought of patrick zweig brutalizing our throats <33 just absolutely disrespectful about it - and you can't fault him because you love it just as much, he's not some shitty guy who's shoving your head down when you dont want him too, no, you'd practically choked your own self on his cock the first time you got your mouth around it, he'd just followed your lead - almost always towering over you, or locking your head in with his thick thighs. you like it best when you straddles your chest, balls dancing against your chin as he saws in and out of that throat - ass flexing with the movement. and you'd like to grip it, but you cant arms pinned under his knees. utterly helpless.

the more like a toy you feel - like a fleshlight - just a tight hole to stick his dick - the more slick between the legs you become. its something about feeling useful, something about being so dirty and small that you're reduced to a wet pouch patrick pumps his loads into.

love it when he grunts and grips your hair, the back of your neck, holds you hostage on his dick, until all you smell is the musk of his crotch and the sweat of his pelvis and your brain turns off. feels underwater, like you're worlds away. you dont have to think when you're just a hole.

and when he pulls you back and lifts your face and you eagerly open your mouth to show him all his cum on your tongue and he grins at you, flushed and looking so fucking pleased, you feel like you're high. moan into his mouth when he leans down to kiss you all sloppy and wet, licking his own cum from your mouth with greedy pulls of his tongue.

its messy and gross and demeaning but with the two of you, its love.

#ask #man. #patrick zweig smut #patrick zweig x reader

[onlydigressing]

tiktoks and instagram reals are great and also the bane of my existence. they take the BEST PART of a song and put it into a VERY SHORT and digestible format so that my brain CRAVES hearing that SPECIFIC PART OF THE SONG OVER AND OVER

and listening to the actual song doesn’t satisfy that itch because it’s not that EXACT PIECE

#ummmmmm #so my mom said that i was on social media too much if I started thinking that I might have adhd or anything from instagram #and she totally has a point #but i still think i’m an odd duck #so now i just call it swiss cheese brain #because it feels like i have holes in my brain #missing vital sections #so i have a shitty memory and really bad procrastination #among other things #just me? #ok

[detectivenyx]

i hate cinemasins so much you would not believe

#it's an easy formula. i get it. #ha ha plot hole! it must be bad because plot hole! #[plot hole is intentional and explained 10 minutes later] #[plot hole contributes to themes of film] #[plot hole is not actually plot hole if you employ even the most rudimentary of reading between the lines] #[plot hole is thing unimportant to the scene as a whole] #it lets you feel smart without actually having to put the legwork in #'smart' isn't even the right word. 'mildly observant'. #but because of this fucking loser and his stupid little ding sound effect #films have to be spelled out for people or they'll go 'OOOOGH PLOTHOEL????' #'WHY THEY SHOOT THE DOG AT START OF DAS DING? PLOTHOLE DING' #'WHY NO CONCRETE ANSWER FOR QUESTION PROPOSED BY TEXT? DINGGGG' #[THINK!!!!! THINK DAMN YOU!!!!!!! THINK FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!] #if your critique could be easily slotted into a cinemasins video go back and think about WHY #is it a question answered by the text??? #and im more frustrated it took THIS LONG to repair my brain scorching! #even with kokichi's critique video im not happy with it because i did go back and look at him closer #i still don't fucking like him or think he was very well executed but i understand exactly why he was executed the way he was #and so many fanfics who took my critique on board and are like 'i can fix this!' just cinemasins the shit out of him #he needs Standard Character Arc and he must be A Hero #NO!! #you missed even the point i was making back then!!! #it was that his redemption was completely arbitrary! and though it didn't do it well it was intended to poke fun at EXACTLY THAT! #the The Villain Needs Redemption because that shit was all the fucking rage and people were doing it shit! #and it all goes back to this jackass and his stupid monotone voice and his attempts to enable a generation of media illiteracy! #and it WORKED! our ability to analyse narrative got fucking sacrificed on the altar for His Paycheck #and he's a shitbag who makes fun of women with breast cancer #long post

[starjunkyard]

"Im not even sure anymore if we get to choose who our friends are" There is a part of me that resents you for making me a worse person than i want to be but i am inexplicably uncontrollably drawn to you. You make me a worse person which is the last thing i want yet i want you in every way. If i could leave i would. Maybe i can but i dont want to. I have fun with you. You challenge me and you captivate me and you push me and pull and run circles around me and it makes me feel like a younger man. For the price of being a worse person i get to feel truly, wholly alive. You are the blood that runs through my veins; vital, inseparable. I was reborn when i met you and you are the womb that haunts me. You are the one person on planet earth who knows me. I wish i could leave, move on and be the man im supposed to be but my heart is tied to yours in a gordian knot. There is a part of my soul that rests in yours, magnetic. For as long as i love you i cannot be better than i am. But maybe thats something i can learn to live with. Gregory House-- I think you're worth it.

#house md #james wilson #gregory house #hilson #johan being crazy about yaoi md #johan's mindpalace #Im crazy #like im tearing up #this scene is so romantic it genuinely makes me nauseous #the lowlight setting the lingering stares the soft little smile a dam thats finally broken #I need a 12 gauge bullet in the thigh #Please watch this scene screencaps do not do it near enough justice #do you know whats so genuinely actually sickening #its been months since i finished house md #and i have not watched a single show that has managed to fill even a quarter of the gaping bleeding hilson shaped hole in my heart #shows that have actual gay people actual representation and not a single one has managed to alter my brain chemistry the way hilson has #since day 1 episode 1 #Like its actually nauseating a little its so over for me for the rest of my life #Like im actually never recovering #people say “they dont make xyz like they used to haha” But Guys they Genuinely dont #Im going through withdrawls #I need my yaoi cocaine so bad but my plug died 12 years ago and i cant fucking Move #House md capital of fatphobia homophobia transphobia early 2000s edgy humour outshining modern shows with actual rep like im sick #Its not even because i want to like i feel like there are worms in my brain. I feel like ratatoullie if the rat was evil #This is not what the stonewall riots were for #I feel like so nausous why couldnt i be crazy about an actual gay pairing like a normal gay person. Im gonna throwup #Why couldnt i like music and girls #Its not even that house md is objectively logically better than these shows like no. Im just crazy #Im so sick they make me so sick i feel like there are worms in my head. My head #Dont know when i will ever be onorlmal again. Sorr

[ageless-aislynn]

The one thing I regret the most is that I can't support everybody as much as I wish I could. I want to comment on everything my mutuals say because whatever they posted is important to them, so it's important to me, too! I want to comment on and reblog every fic they write, everything they draw, every GIFset they make, every headcanon post, every theory they put forth. I just want them to know how much I value them and their opinions and the things they create and I just inevitably miss so much and it makes me sad.

#mutuals my beloved #honestly you don't even have to be one of my mutuals for me to feel this way #i want to support everybody #i want all fics to be read and have comments #i want all creative posts whatever they are to feel appreciated #if you post about your day i want to like that post so you know someone saw it and they care #it just... burns me that i can't do this for everybody #i can't even do it consistently for a handful of people #i know nobody expects that #it's just how i feel #i feel helpless sometimes in life #and this makes me feel like i can support somebody and can maybe make their day a little better in this way #and i want to do it #you ought to see my list of to-be-read fics #i WANT to be reading them all #but if i don't have the time or the energy to comment i don't want to read and then forget to comment you know? #commenting on fics and vids and art posts is important to me #anyway i'm just rambling #i just wanted to let you know if i've failed to comment on or interact with in someway something of yours it's not because i don't care #i just didn't get there yet #or it slipped through the swiss cheese holes in my brain somehow #but i love you and support you and you're so important and i want you to always know that okay? #ageless aislynn

[hopefullystillliving]

You ever get lulled into a false sense of security during the first two thirds of a kid's movie that's good with a serious plot but mostly a pretty fun time, only to have the entire final third tear your heart out, chew it up and spit it out, crush it into even finer paste beneath its heel, and add the fine powder your ribs have been turned into by the sledgehammer it whammed you with as a seasoning?

Anyway Nimona was great, 10/10 would recommend, I was crying on and off for what probably totaled 20 minutes of tears.

#hopeful rambling #nimona #cw graphic #i think that's probably the right tag for that description #anyway yes im a little late to the train but i was waiting until i could watch it with my dearest #my takeaway is that they should put a content warning on it for trans people especially bc you will feel punched in the face #that allegory sure can trans. #i think i related to it in a different way than most people #bc being genderqueer yeah nimona going im not a girl im just myself hit home but im not *trans* #so i think i actually ended up projecting onto balistar as someone who deeply loves a trans person (different ways obviously) #being told 'yes you can rejoin the society you betrayed you aren't like *her* you arent a monster everything can go back to what it was #you can be one of the good guys if you reject the freaks' #but they betrayed you first and the good guys aren't good and how things were is worse actually than saying i love you i see you im with you #to the freaks and the monsters who will accept who you are unlike the society that never will always keeping you to an impossible standard #of never being yourself #so yeah the religious/societal prejudice trauma was very felt at some points #and i grieved for nimona not because she was me but because she was my dearest and she was a friend #and she was a thousand people i will never know who decided it was better to die as yourself than be killed as someone you aren't #and didn't have a person to say im sorry. i see you. #anyway. yeah im still crying. altered my brain chemistry is mild i think it rearranged my organs punched a hole in my chest and i thanked it #nimona spoilers

[velvetjune]

the chapter songs in Alan Wake 2,, flawless

#they deserve more love and discussion #saying this while also not knowing what to say other than they’re so fucking good #alan wake 2 #i think it’s partially because poets of the fall’s tracks are iconic so of course they’re in the spotlight (as deserved) #but also the CHAPTER SONGS. them being made for a given chatacter(s) with the help of Sam lakes poetry #the changes with ‘this road’ by Poe with every Alan chapter. becoming more distorted and revealing lyrics and the spiral #the scratch song being 1) hilarious and 2) similar to Zane’s poetry in the aw1 arg #the emotion in superhero when saga feels lost at the story making it so Logan was gone #the lines of her feeling like a ghost in this story forming around her.. how she feels guilty and absent for both what the story’s doing #and being away from Logan because of her job. ashdhhhhjhh my heart #AND. follow you into the dark HAS to be alice. which kills me because at for at I thought of Alan #but no. Alice jumped in the dark place after him. it’s so !!!!!!!!!!! #the rabbit hole line. Alice spiraling deeper and deeper into a dream—into wonderland #the Lost at Sea one is also good. intrigues me. the Bowie and Lynch references are blatantly aw2 Zane #but it’s so similar to diver Zane and the ‘originals’ death. being lost in the dark place with illusions of escape #and losing any sense of identity. whether he’s real at all or the monster of this sea or just a lost soul. #the soft and calm vocals / instrumental really makes the whole thing #NEED to stop typing more tags because this is a Lot. however. #‘no one left to love’ is also a phenomenal song and one of my favorites from the album. GORGEOUS vocals and how it all flows together. #such a powerful and beautiful way to end a chapter #anyway that’s all I had to say :) #god. I’ve started to watch a few playthroughs of the game and 90% of people have skipped the chapter songs and every time im #that’s fair but my brain and soul might implode if I don’t see anyone else talking about how good these songs are

[camellcat]

scrambled thoughts about s4 bc I'm losing my goddamned MIND

just finished s4 of Doctor Who. quick question: how the hell do you go on without Rose Tyler? I can't even imagine I literally. what.

like once s3 rolled around I really fuckin realized I was apparently very much watching this show for ROSE and her dynamic with the Doctor, not the Doctor himself or whatever else lmaoo

ONLY Rose has made me bawl my eyes out, let alone even tear up at all. I just can't even fathom being able to connect with any other plot or character like I did with her and her love for the Doctor.

I just ohh for all of s3 most of s4 I just missed her so much??? like Martha and Donna are great (well, I didn't like Martha at first and you can definitely guess why based on all of this but once s4 rolled around she was great!! loved her) but oh my god they were just no Rose Tyler.

plus WOW I really got so attached to her relationships with other people?? like Donna and Martha's families n whatnot made me feel NOTHING whereas I could not get enough of Jackie and adored Mickey (Mickey is family. he is. I don't care if he's her ex or whatever. he's part of the family). Captain Jack Harkness my one true love (btw just sayin I really think Rose and the Doctor should've gotten a hello kiss. maybe not the Doctor he did not deserve one for leaving Jack but Rose did!! hello!!! you gave them "I'm going to go die" kisses give them "hello we're all still alive missed you" kisses!!!). idk if maybe I was just so clocked out of s3-4 that I missed something but I swear those two just had like no really compelling personal relationships outside of the Doctor, and maybe like one specific family member (lookin at you, gramps).

the fact that Rose ended up liking Martha and Donna though??? dfindsnjdj dying dying DYING I love that she would've been friends with them both. they deserved to all sit and gossip about the Doctor like she did with Sarah Jane right in front of his face.

also oh my god no one why why why please PLEASE I'm not used to consuming sad media I try and avoid it as much as possible and this show is just. just. oh my god.

Rose is so close to what she truly wanted. she'll have a life with the Doctor, but not her Doctor and not the life she fought so hard to get back. instead she's still still still stuck in Pete's World, unable to travel across time and space and save the universe with her Doctor (and don't get me wrong, I love the idea of Tentoo, but it just rubs me the wrong way no matter how I try and look at it. it feels like when a character's memories are erased. they're still technically themselves, but something important is missing all the same. and that thing missing is the TARDIS in this case Tentoo is the best thing she could've gotten lol). I feel like I can't even adequately put it into words why her ending makes me as upset as it does I just hope you Get It. I don't think it would've been good for her to not have ANY other solid relationships like she would've had if she'd gone with the Doctor but also oh my god. oh my god.

and the Doctor is once again without his brilliant, fantastic Rose.

I really hope she doesn't come back though unless it's on her own terms, because she missed her friends or smth. I really hope she's able to travel the world and it be enough for her as long as she's got Tentoo by her side. I really, really hope she's happy and fully in love with Tentoo and they are living the BEST life they can.

Fuck. this SHOW.

#if this is incomprehensible well. ngk. that's how my brain feels rn #came for David Tenntant but stayed solely for Rose Tyler <3 #I'm still gonna try and watch on but I won't be too surprised if I end up dropping it #I need it to be known my reaction to JE was so violent and loud I thought for a second cops were going to be called on me #I didn't just shout or cry or anything I SCREAMED ahahaha it sounded like someone was being MURDERED #the only reason Doomsday didn't have me toppling over putting holes in my walls was because I wasn't alone I stg #do you know how hard it is to silently sob?? I am not good at it. in fact I am so bad I couldn't I wailed I wailed #I did not cover everything here but I got the gist of most of it #so sorry martha and donna but I just. whew. I just did not care at all #timepetals #tenrose #tentoorose #tenth doctor #rose tyler #tentoo #doctor who

[cuteniaarts]

Behold, my latest and most enamouring new obsession:

Malina, Lady of the Chief of the Northern Water Tribe. As if Red Lotus child OCs weren’t niche enough

#my art #artists on tumblr #the legend of korra #lok malina #still feel like that’s too vague of a tag but I can’t come up with anything better for now #and yeah. she has completely stolen by heart and I don’t know how to feel about that #don’t think I ever was this attracted to my own art before #to be fair the design isn’t mine. it’s very heavily based on something nina drew back in 2021 #because I did not have the energy or creativity to come up with my own thing #but the art is all mine and I genuinely adore it. super proud of myself which is a rare occurrence #anyways. kat and I spent three days digging this niche lower and lower and now have a he #*hell of a lot of lore about this basically nonexistent character #for lore about a lady from the North Pole a lot of it is rather hot… to the point my cheeks are burning non stop #I would say I’d let her do anything she wants to me but in my very specific aroace-adjacent case it’s more like #I’d let her tell me to do anything she wants to her #if that makes any sense and I have not completely lost my goddamn mind yet #okay. enough yapping. back to the art itself #lazy background because I suck at those and am not currently attempting to learn them. I’ll probably do that over the summer #about time anyway. my characters have been placed against an off-white background for far. far too long #this is the first piece in just over a year that isn’t tagged with sotrl. which is kinda weird tbh #I’ve been drawing my OCs almost exclusively for nearly 5 years so it is genuinely surprise I’m branching out #*surprising #less branching out and more diving from one hole into another but y’know #anyway. in my personal and very correct opinion she turned out absolutely gorgeous #her servants are way too lucky and unalaq is way too much of an idiot. no offence to vaatu but he could never beat out this #and I also have Kat’s personal and very correct opinion to back up my own. two against the void. once again we’re winning #I wanna draw her a lot more bc she has completely possessed my brain. I just wish character interactions were easier to draw 😭 #I’ll figure it out. just need to fight my visualisation issues for a proper idea. brb #okay I’m almost at the tag limit so. in summary: #she 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵

[witherbythesword]

.

#being ill and tired and having a dozen things that need doing with no energy at all #to take care of them #feeling like at the bottome of a big fucking hole with no way out #and to little energy to tell my fucking brain to stop being melodramatic shit about it #ugh #feeling hopeless but only because i feel weak #life be easy once #please

[dredshirtroberts]

finally tackled the absolute mountain of laundry in various states of cleanliness around my room. now all of it is sorted and put into its respective zones of "away".

#98% of my room being clean with visible floorspace is just finally handling the laundry #i am ashamed and embarrassed that i always have so much dirty laundry #eventually i'll get back to the point i was at when i was the coach of laundry where i'll have like a week's worth of shit to get done #and not a backlog of several months #eventually #and i will be working on not feeling so much shame about the state of my laundry #i don't *like* that i do it but there's nothing inherently immoral about it like the voice of my mother that shouts in my brain thinks #the put away laundry plus the effort i've been making to Make My Bed before sitting in it has helped me feel more settled in the space #so that's good #when i am not as concerned about blocking the various registers in my room i will be in business #(mattress on the floor only fits in one specific corner right by the intake) #(output register is awkwardly directly in the middle of the opposite side of the room which makes arranging the furniture where i'd like it #an interesting endeavor that i'm not super excited in attempting to orchestrate in the future) #i know where i'd *like* things to go #whether or not that'll actually be feasible is another story #also i think i'm going to have to just go through my clothes with the mindset of actually getting rid of things #i threw out a couple pairs of socks because they were worn so thin i'm not sure mending would have fixed the holes #like that that point i'm making a whole new sock and you know what i could do instead? not do that #i also have a lot of Baggage Items i haven't quite gotten around to divesting myself of #(as in the items of clothing have a lot of emotional baggage tied to them that i may or may not be using to negative effect on myself) #lots of old shit lots of things that don't fit lots of things i don't even like actually #but it was free or nearly so and i've just held onto it because free #only a few things are kept because i like wearing them and the texture is nice #so we'll just. go through some stuff and eventually i'll get to the point that even if *all* of my clothes are dirty and on the floor #it doesn't take up my WHOLE goddamn room #that said this has in fact been a problem my whole life and so i don't imagine it's going to be quick or easy to fix lol

[ittybittybumblebee]

Not trying to armchair psychology you, just speaking from personal experience- it's really, really common to have autism, especially autism that is coupled with ADHD and OCD, be misdiagnosed as BPD for young people. This is most common with verbal autistic people who also suffer from abuse as a minor. The constant mental pressure often manifests as erratic thought and behavior, "strange" patterns of belief and groupings, and just a general feeling of feeling like you are Not The Same and don't know what's wrong but that Something is Wrong. Extreme stress for all of those problems can easily be exasperated into psychosis unfortunately, so a good approach involves being able to ground yourself with knowing how your mind is different, and that it is not broken. Whatever you find out, best of luck man.

thnx means a lot that u typed this out to me anon <3 i think ur def on the right track on what i could b dealing with but at the same time there has been a point where i was quite sure i must be autistic but felt i never had or experienced the same wide or specific and unique variety of stimming/stimulation issues like most autistics do and kindof let that thought slide a bit. because what sources i read had all listed those as being one of the important diagnostic criteria so that is what i understand.

having said that it could be my perception of how stimulation issues present themselves Personally has me feeling like i dont suffer them when i could still be affected in different ways that im not registering as possibly being That

#i did... i.. god i do remeber taking that online autism assesment test a long time ago and i was in the high range but i was like Hm #but its so very hard when theres all these comorbititys and similar symptoms to other things to truelly tell sometimes... #it can feel pretty confusing ! #one thing i know with clear certanty is i have absolutly have anxiety wether removed or caused by comorbitities or not #alsogoing back to the online autism assesment test i know online tests arent reliable but how far in th hole of denial due to uncertainty o #myself do i want to dig before i just start doing things to help myself for Something #basically tldr: i take everything with a grain of salt and dont jump in untill i feel quite sure #its hard to feel quite sure when ur brain and behavior is confusing #and i feel like i dont stim.. maybe i do ! but if its anything it might be so subtle that even i dont realize what it is... #i will always still keep my mind open to it because of the individual uniqueness of any thing like that.. #but the mood swings oh my god do they fit bpd #But . autism could #i Need to stop ranting on in the tags. #man #ill just let this rest for tonight and mull it over later more #lol #i could definitly go on more i always havea lot to say about my brainworks. my own analyzing . but itd go on forever #need to stop somewhere

[cryolyst]

there's something so terrifying in not being able to trust your own memory. because it means you cannot trust yourself. you can try to plan things and write out reminders and build up all the rituals and habits you want, but something always slips past you. did i really do what i thought i did? or is it just what i expected myself to do? did i create a whole scenario in my head of what happened? i don't have any memory of something to contradict it. i don't have any memory of something to confirm it. i just don't have any memory at all.

should i trust what someone else tells me about myself? how do i know what their intentions are? is there bias? is their memory any better? i have no way to know if what they say is true. i have no way to know if what they say is false. i have no way to confirm it with the only person i should be able to always rely on. she isn't there. she wasn't there. she can’t tell me anything.

#😁👍 4:30am spiral. #roommate did something and i was too scared to confront him directly about it bc i fear i might come across as an asshole #because i might've said something to him a month ago telling him what he did was ok to do #but there is genuinely just a hole where that conversation should've been. did i specify that what he actually did was too much? #did i neglect to mention what my exact boundary was? did i even remember to have a conversation?? #because the fact that i can't remember a conversation feels like it should mean i didn't have one #but i can't FUCKING remember!!! all evidence points to yes and my brain alone is saying no and i'm feeling. bad. :) #they speak!

[theladyyavilee]

okay, so I just wanna say that normally I would not obsess like this over location bts, BUT this is in fact the location where we got the buddie-coded lesbians (and not just that but also the SHOOTING CODED lesbians) so I went a little wilde over figuring out the layout and making sure it was really the same location and aksjfdakjsdf anyways, aren’t y’all glad I am so normal about this show? (thank you to @stagefoureddiediaz​ who first said that it looks kinda like the location from 5x9 and started all this <3)

can’t wait to find out which probably very unimportant and less than 2 minutes long call they filmed there and how I went completely off the rails for no good reason, BUT I had fun making this so <3333

#9-1-1 #911 spoilers #nobody does parallels like 911 #911 season 6 speculation #screencap treasure trove #buddie #LISTEN #okay so the thing that really gets me #is that they used that set instead of just a random LA street for the sink hole BECAUSE they had to fuck up the road significantly #to make it look at least vaguely real #so whatever they are filming this time HAS TO BE something big too right? #otherwise they wouldn't film on a set but on a real street #OR it is important that it is the same street #either way WE WIN #so yeah #it just feels very specific that they would go back to this set #I can't imagine it is the only street set that they have #I will be #dedicating a small corner of my brain to screaming over this until we get more details <3

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay. looking forward to the future when im back in therapy #like i dont feel terrible rn. i dont exactly kno how to describe it. i feel like ive been tossed up onto the shore of a desert island #after a big storm. like im still lying facedown in the sand bc i dont kno what to do when i stand up #i guess im just still sitting in the desolation of 2yrs of burnout and i kno that things need to change but i dont kno #quite how to manage it. bc the thing abt me is that i have ambiguous handwave undiagnosed obsessive compulsive behaviors #and its like every. everything i do is. like its structure to the extreme. i have to do these things because. because why? idk just because #so im like ok i have to change things so i adjust to the change and the structure just becomes rigid again. the cage changes shape but the #volume stays the same. and its hard bc i cant run rn so its like i cant expell my frustration and its a compulsion i cant fulfill and its #constantly in my head. im also just tired. ive been sleeping more than usual and idk y. like i dont feel that depressed but i guess i do #feel bored and pointless bc im just doing computer stuff rn. and i also just feel like my brain is cloudy #like learning is a thing i like to do but im not allowed to spend time reading papers bc i have to draw bc thats the structure #but i want to learn abt those specific topics and i just feel like my brain is full of holes #like its a very specific feeling. like back after i 1st finished my masters i was taking carbon measuments bc thats #like the most useful thing for me to do in tbus lab but it destroys my brain and then my boss was training me in some culture isolation #stuff that i liked a lot and was more aligned with my interests but i hit this wall where my Brain was like ur not allowed to do that #anymore so i make the choice to let the project go and just do what was useful. idk y i did that but i do it all thr time. idk its just hard #when like everything feels so boring and bleak all the time but with this little glimmers of specialness that im not allowed to reach for #ugh. its just the hormones. bc it's becoming very clear i have high and low moods associated with hormone shifts. and the obsessive #compulsive behaviors. those r just ambient but at time exacerbated by the shifts #unrelated #also participating in trivia stuff triggers me feeling dumb lmao but idk i dont usually memorize facts. i usually go for vibes and like what #do u build with what youve learned. like who gives a fuck if u kno a set of facts if u dont do anything with that info #but thats just me being defensive bc i have a foggy brain full of holes

[secretmellowheart]

I feel so much guilt during Christmas

#either you're mocking me because you were right all along #and I'm miserable #or you don't think about me in the slightest #which is the better of the two options #and the most likely thankfully #i just want to move on for fuck's sake #it's been close to two fucking years #I've been doing everything I've wanted #i have friends i go out decently often i got to experience more of life i went back to uni #and I've even been flirting and meeting people with non platonic aims #but i still feel so fucking unfulfilled like there's a gaping hole that can't ever be filled #and I'm so fucking tired of it. i just want to let go #but that hole makes itself known whenever my brain lets down its guard #if someone knows what to do - please let me know!!! #I've been trying everything!!! #I'm just done at this point!!! #anyways that's enough venting. merry Christmas and dw new year's won't be like that #mellow ruminations