#because how the fuck am i gonna get almost $2000 when im going through a garnishment

[chucklechampion]

evening dedicated to The Horrors

#i just need to fucking vent man #i cannot fucking live like this anymore #i still dont have the tags for my car and its almost been a year #a whole year where i didnt go ANYWHERE but work and home and sometimes special occasions when i felt i could risk it #and the daily agonizing fear of being pulled over again and getting a ticket that i cant afford because i cant afford to pay for my tags #ive gotten one of those smart watches that can track your heart rate and stress and im genuinely developing a heart problem from stress #when i was driving home tonight i think i mightve had an arrhythmia which was a scary feeling #im going off of caffiene from here on out because im starting to be afraid that i might have a heart attack #im twenty fucking five years old and im so stressed and scared about money that im afraid of a heart attack #i miss being able to go and do things and just get out of my generally shitty house #i feel like i would be a totally different person if this was just finally taken care of #someone who doesnt feel like they need to hospitalize themselves because the neverending stress is making you suicidal #because it feels like it’ll never end and i’ll be scared and hurting forever #because how the fuck am i gonna get almost $2000 when im going through a garnishment #like i can barely afford to pay all my billa #fuck i CANT even pay my bills my mom is covering my phone bill this month #because i’d have to choose between car insurance or a phone #and god for fucking bid i ever lose my insurance #the level of fear i would have just trying to get to and from work would kill me #and the longer this goes on the more i wonder if that might actually happen #im smoking way more because im stressed. i cant sleep because im stressed. i cant eat because im stressed. #all things that preclude some pretty serious cardiovascular problems #i have a doctors appointment on tuesday to discuss my heart #im nervous for it but who knows #i have had an exceptionally high heart rate but maybe the arrythimia was just psychosomatic #my money troubles have completely stopped my life and i cant see a way out #i feel like im drowning and like im going clinically insane #i was outside sitting in our carport and a cop drove by and i was so terrified i spent 10 minutes hiding in an empty room #looking through the blinds to see if they were gonna come do something #i am so afraid that i have considered quitting my job because the commute is so stressful and upsetting

[spencerhotchner]

Alternative {spencer reid}

Chapter 1 

summary: Since quarentine was announced, Y/N decided to rewatch all seasons of Criminal Minds. On a lonely night she wished she could be in that universe instead of this. What happens when she wakes up in 2008 in Quantico?

warnings: angst, a very confused reader, regular cm stuff and my grammar (if you find anything else pls lmk

word count: 2k

a/n: i have this idea while watching a movie about parallel universes and all, so i just wanted to try this out. it will be a 10 parts series! im not really sure about this, i think i kinda hate it but im posting it anyways lmao. i hope you gonna enjoy!

series masterlist

part 1 | part 2

You woke up feeling dizzy and with a major headache. At first you thought it was because you drank a whole lot of wine last night but then you saw yourself in a room you never saw before. You stoop up quickly trying to understand where you were and how did you end up there. You were sure that you have never been in this place before, and it was scaring you that you showed up in there.

There was a mirror nailed to the wall in from of you almost forcing you to look at your own body, that made you notice that you were still wearing the same clothes from last night, but you weren’t home. Not being home was odd given by the fact you stayed there with your family and two friends you invited over, since there’s a whole freaking pandemic going on and you for sure did not want to get sick or get other people sick. 

“Did I get kidnapped?” you think out loud. “No, I just watch too much Criminal Minds.” you tell yourself, trying to calm down.

You reach for the face mask placed on the nightstand, getting ready to leave this random place and go home. You tried not to freak out when you realized your phone was gone and the only cellphone in there was probably as old as your grandmother. You dialed your moms number about five times and all of them went on voicemail, making you curse mentally. 

This can’t be happening. Not to me.

As soon as you leave the apartment you were in you realized you weren’t in your hometown, definitely not. It was crowded, like, really crowded and no one was wearing any face masks. Where did the freaking pandemic go? You wondered while you felt like a misfit for being the only one wearing it. 

“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” you ask an old lady walking by.

“You’re on Main Street, sweetheart.” she says.

“No, um, I mean the city.” you watched as the old lady looked at you with a funny face, as if she was calling you crazy on her mind.

“We’re in Quantico, dear.”

“Quantico?” you repeat, mostly for yourself then for her. The lady started at you like you were an alien. “Thank you so much, ma’am.”

The air started to go low on you, how did you get to Virginia, anyway? That was across the country from where you lived, Bellevue in Washington state. You started lost walking, trying to understand what the hell was going on. It felt like you were on a parallel universe, like you were in a dream but couldn't wake up and it sure felt very real. You stoped a jornal shop taking a lot at the last newspaper in there, trying to figure if something happened that you were missing. However, nothing reported there shocked you, what did, though, was the date. 

July 1st, 2008

You were about to ask someone about it when you bumped into a blonde woman, falling on the ground. As soon as you looked up, you almost chocked yourself. If the day was already weird, this was even weirder. A.J Cook was standing right in front of you with a concerned look. You couldn't really say anything, just staring at her like she wasn't real. It was weird seeing her in front of you after only seeing her through screens. 

“I’m so sorry!” she said as she offered a hand for you to get up. “Are you ok?”

“I- um, yes! I’m fine.” you san, getting the dirt out of your outfit. “I’m a big fan of yours! Wish I had my phone here to take a picture but- sorry.“ you stoped talking, realizing she probably doesn’t care.

“Big fan of me? Wow, howcome somebody’s a fan of me?” she sounds surprised.

“Well, you’re on Criminal Minds.” you say as it was obvious. 

She looked at you as if you were out of your mind. Not that you weren't thinking otherwise at the moment, anyways. 

“I’m on what now?” she asked.

Maybe you got confused and she was the wrong person, but she looked so much like her to not be her. If they were not the same person, then definitely twins. This was so weird, once again, you found yourself asking ‘what the hell’ mentally.

“You’re JJ, Jennifer Jareau, FBI Agent and all.” you say, trying one more time. “Behaviour Analysis Unit...”

“Yea, that‘s me.” she let a nervous laugh comes out of her mouth. “How do you know me?”

‘This is weird’ you thought. How does she not understand where you know her from? Literally Criminal Minds, like you said at first. ‘Maybe this is all a dream.’

“I saw you on tv” you try.

“Oh, I see! You like law enforcement?” she asks you.

“Oh yes, I’m in law-school to be a judge someday.” you answered. “The show, all of it just makes me wanna put all them bad guys in jail.” you say, laughing a bit. 

“The show...? What?” you hear her whisper, but decide to ignore it. “What’s the mask about?” JJ asks, making you look at her surprised.

“Um, covid-19?” you say like it’s obvious, because it is.

“Oh, sure...” she smiles as she says it, almost like she's only agreeing because she won't discuss it. “Great talking to you, really, but I gotta go, FBI duty calls.” she jokes.

You smile at her watching carefully as she picks up her phone from her pocket and pick up a call. That phone looked awfully old, like 2000’s old. Why would a famous actress have that kinda of phone? Then, you looked around trying to understand more about what was going on. It was all too out of place.

First, nobody wearing masks, not even a single person but you. Second, you were in a city in which is miles away from your own. Third, a famous actress acted like she’s nobody. And fourth, the date on the calendar said 2008.

If it wasn’t just impossible I would say I time travelled into Criminal Minds universe.

After standing there for literal 10 minutes trying to figure it out what you were going to do, you decide to go to the police department. After all, you may have been abducted, right? Because you didn’t have any knowledge of the place, you took quite some time to get there. As soon as you got there you sigh in relief, that has been quite a walk and damn, you were tired of this situation. 

“Excuse me, ma’am, can you help me?” you ask to the lady standing behind the counter.

“Sure, dear. What do you need?” she looks up at you, taking her glasses of her face.

“I think I might have been abducted?” you start. “I woke up in this random apartment.”

“Maybe you had a one-night stand.” she said putting back her glasses.

“No! I am sure I didn’t because first of all, there’s a pandemic going on, second of all I was in Bellevue in Washington state when I went to sleep.” you yell, involuntarily, desperate to make her believe in you. 

“Miss, I’m gonna need you to calm down or you will be escorted out of the building. You’re probably on drugs, there's nothing we can do for you.”

“Fuck you.” you say as you watch her face get all red.

Frustrated. That could define what you were feeling, scared and worried could do the work, as well. What were you going to do now? Go to the FBI to see if they could freaking understand why you simply appeared in Quantico? Didn't sound like a bad idea in your mind as you decided to just try it out. After all, you were already pretty screwed up, it would worth a shot.

You reached for your back pocket, hoping that the money you shoved in there more than a week ago would still be in there. Bingo! You pull out a 20 dollar bill out of it and the next thing you know you’re getting into a cab asking him to take you to the FBI. Now that’s something you never thought would happen. The travel was quite quick, in 20 minutos you were standing in front of that big isolated building. It looked like it was taken straight out of your favorite show, that was insane. 

The wind blew hard on you when you got out of the vehicle, making you shiver a little, that reminded you that you did not have any clothes nor money to buy more. God, you did not even have where to go. You didn't even get the chance to get into the building as a big man steps in front of you, blocking your way. 

“Miss, you're not allowed in this building.” he said without much expression. 

“But, sir-” you started, as you saw he was about to interrupt you, you go on. “Ive been abducted and I don't know where or how the hell did I get in here, I’m completely hopeless... Please.” you beg him.

He started at you for a couple of seconds, that felt like centuries for you, just to sigh at you.

“Ok, follow me.” he said. “Do not make me regret this.” 

“I-I won’t, sir.” you were quick to answer. 

The agent asked another man to cover up for him as he led me into the building. Once again you found yourself admired of how much it did look like a Criminal Minds episode in there, if you weren't totally desperate you'd be amused. Soon, you two were out of the elevator on floor 8, leading with the words Behavior Analysis Unit quite big. 

“Can you take her to Agent Jareau, please?” the man said to someone who passed by, who simply agreed. 

Now, that's a funny coincidence, there's actually an Agent Jareau in the BAU. 

You followed the woman with questioning trying to stay calm when you saw Matthew Gray Gubler sitting on a desk reading some book in Reid style, almost like he was Spencer himself. If you had any doubts you were going crazy, that was the final proof. You stoped walking, taking a stare at him and then at the Agent that stared a you like you were an alien.

“Is there something wrong?” she asks you. “Miss, are you ok?”

You were unable to answer for a few seconds when you finally opened you mouth, still trying to figure it out how to say what was on your mind without sounding completely insane.

“Is that Dr. Spencer Reid?” 

And that was all you’re able to say because as soon as you let his name out of your mouth he looked up at you, trying to somehow recognize you. You were sure, that time, that you never looked - and sounded - as insane as right now. 

“Yes, that's me.” he answers. 

His voice was the last thing you could hear before everything go black. Maybe you were finally going to wake up. Maybe. 

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid smut #spencer reid imagine #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #bau #fbi #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #Spencer Reid fluff #angst #self insert #aaron h #derek morgan #jennifer jareau #Penelope garcia #emily prentiss #x reader #Matthew gray Gubler x reader

[bbrandy2002]

Little Shit:

Part 1: Wrapped Around A Finger

This is for week 96 of @wackydrabbles prompt: I can't -- I have a deadline. Prompt will be in bold.

Okay, so I couldnt fit all of this into the 2000 word limit and had to break it up and didn't have the heart to cut.

@kingliam2019​ you made a request for a Little Shit story on New Year’s Eve and it only took 5 months to come up with something, so this one is for you.

If you're unfamiliar with the Little Shit series (because it has been over a year since I wrote anything for it) Nikolas is Liam and Riley's 5 year old mischievous son who just can't help from wreaking havoc, especially toward Drake. He enjoys getting a rise out of him even if he does love his Uncle ... for the most part.

Warning: Crude Language. Mention of Covid and vaccinations.

Word count: 1928

-----------------------

Returning from the stables one afternoon, Drake was stopped at the palace door by security -- again -- for not wearing the required mask to enter.

“Mr. Walker, I’m afraid you need to have a mask on before I can allow you inside. I have to tell you this every day.”

“That because I fucking live here,” Drake grumbled as he snagged the offered surgical mask from the guard. 

“Not in the common areas, Mr. Walker.”

“You know this whole virus thing is just a conspiracy and Liam is using it to control all of us, right? He’s gone mad. This shit’s never gonna end.”

“I understand, sir.” The guard waited patiently as Drake begrudgingly slipped the mask over his face. “Perhaps, though, there is an alternative, one where you wouldn’t have to wear one anymore. They’re offering free vaccines in room 105 today. If you get the shot, you won’t need to wear a mask when you come inside,” the guard cajoled.

Drake let out a humorless laugh.“I’m sure that’s exactly what Liam wants: make a guinea pig out of me. Pump me full of that radioactive shit and in five years I’ll have a tail growing out of my face. No thanks.” Drake disregarded the information and moved past the man.

“But, sir .. .they’re giving away bottles of whiskey to the first 100 recipients. Last I heard, they were close to reaching that number. Top of the line stuff too.”

Drake turned on the heel of his work boots, glaring back, before asking skeptically. “Whiskey? They’re giving away alcohol to get this damn shot?” The guard nodded in response.

“Glenfiddich -- 1955, I believe. The King paid for it himself.”

Drake’s eyes widened in disbelief. “That’s a $90,000 bottle! And they’re just giving them away if you get this shot?”

“I … um … yes. His Majesty wants to reward those who are doing their part to create a healthier and safer Cordonia. He won’t rest until every last citizen is vaccinated from this dreaded virus. We can all fight this … together. What do you say, Mr. Walker? Will you help stop the spread?”

“For a $90,000 bottle of whiskey? Hell yeah! I’ll grow two tails out my heads for -- hold on a damn minute …” Drake burrowed his eyes into the guard who was sweating bullets, desperate for him to leave. “Where the hell is Nikolas at? This whole thing reeks of him..” Drake’s eyes began darting around the perimeter in a feverish search for the little prince’s battery operated car. “That little shit is blackmailing you, isn’t he? I should have known.”

The guard straightened and answered in a solemn tone, “I’m a serious professional, Mr. Walker. And I take your accusations of being anything but, demeaning to the loyalty and oath I’ve given to the Crown. How dare you stand there --”

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise.” Drake ran a hand down his weary face in frustration. “It’s just that kid is the bane of my existence. I’ve had a long, hard day at work and I’m in no mood for his fucking stunts.”

The guard waved him off. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ve heard all about the stuff he’s pulled on you.” He leaned in closer and spoke in a hushed tone, “Between you and me, he’s a little pain in my ass too; always coming down here acting like he runs this place. If you ever need help teaching that kid a lesson, I’d be happy to help.”

Drake arched a brow. “Loyalty to the crown, huh?” The man regarded that retort with an awkward shrug. “Yeah, he needs his ass busted, that’s for sure. Liam thinks he just needs a little more love. I’d like to show him the Bianca F. Walker way of love.” He slammed his hands together.

The guard chuckled. “I’m with you on that. He needs something done; he’s out of control … Anyway, you should probably head on up there and get your shot -- and whiskey -- before they’re all out. I wish I’d have waited to get mine until today.”

Twisting his face in doubt, Drake walked around the corner and leaned up against the wall as he pulled out his phone. Something just didn’t feel right, and he determined the safest thing to do was shoot off a quick text to his best friend.

Drake: Liam, are you really giving away Glenfiddich, 1955, to get the Covid vaccine?

He waited a brief moment until a response came through; he looked down at his phone and read:

Liam: Yes.

Drake: Is that all you have to say about that?

Liam: Yes.

Liam: I am in meeting for Cordonia.

Drake tilted his head to the side and scratched at it as he stared at the odd message. He typed out another response.

Drake: What kind of meeting for Cordonia? And with who?

Liam: Top secret. Can't tell you.

Drake: Uh-huh. Where’s Nikolas?

Liam: With Riley and baby in Vallteria

Liam: Shit. Valtoria

Drake: What’s the capital of the United States?

Liam: Damn it Drake I’m in a meeting!

Drake: Then hurry up and answer

Liam: Washington D.C.

Drake: Who shot me at the costume ball?

Liam: You son of a bitch. IM IN A MEETING!

Drake let out a heavy groan and decided to just call Riley. He knew without a doubt Nikolas took Liam’s phone again. If he called Riley, though, there was no way the boy could pretend he was her.

Picking up almost instantly, Riley answered cheerfully, “Hello. Queen Riley speaking.”

“Riley, it’s Drake. I was just wondering if you and Liam were really giving away whiskey for getting this shot? Sounds a little fishy to me.”

There was a moment of silence, then a clicking noise, followed by a long beep, before Riley replied. “Yes. We. Are. Giving. Away …. Whiskey. Get.The.Shot.Drake.”

“The hell is wrong with your voice?”

“I.Am.In.Valtoria.”

“Riley, why the fuck are you enunciating every word?”

“I. Have. A. Cold. And. Must.Talk.Slow. Nikolas.Is.With.Me. And. I. Must. Get ... Going. Bye. Drake ...You. Ass. Hole.” 

Drake rolled his eyes and slipped the phone in his back pocket. “He’s got her phone, too. Damn that evil-ass kid.” He hesitantly made his way down to room 105; it wouldn’t hurt anything just to open the door and see if there was anything legit about this. As he approached, a lovely lady he knew from the kitchen exited with a big smile on her aging face and a bottle she cradled in her arms; he recognized it almost instantly as the Glenfiddich.

“Miss Milly,” Drake greeting kindly and held the door open for her. “You’re looking as lovely as ever.”

“Oh, you.” She laughed bashfully in her grandmotherly voice as she stepped into the corridor. “You’re always flirting with me, Drake. One of these days, I’m going to make you take me out on a date, buy me dinner, and give me a peck on the cheek at the end of the night.” 

Drake smiled back fondly at her. “You just tell me when, Miss Milly, and I’m there.” He motioned to the bottle in her hand. “Say … couldn’t help but notice that bottle of whiskey you’re carrying around; where’d you get that at? That brand doesn’t come cheap.”

“Ohhh, I know. But I heard they were giving shots in that room right there.” She pointed with a crooked finger. “And they said I was the 99th person to stop by, and gave this to me after getting my shot. I couldn’t believe my luck. And they only have one bottle left. I can finally put my grandson through college.” 

“That’s great! And you said there is still one more bottle left?”

She nodded her head. “Yes. But you better hurry. One of the chefs is on his way here for a shot as well.”

Drake hurriedly kissed her on the cheek and opened the door. Thank you, Miss Milly!” He stepped inside, then stopped and whipped his head back out the door. “Milly, wait. Have you seen Prince Nikolas today?”

“Yes, he left with the Queen after breakfast this morning. I believe they mentioned going to Valtoria.”

Drake rubbed his hands together anxiously and thanked her. He’d known the cook for years, she’s the sweetest person he knew. There was no way she would cover for Nikolas, and Drake couldn’t imagine the boy would have any dirt to hold over her head.

When the door shut, Nikolas grinned mischievously from a dark alcove where he was parked in his black 12V Mercedes Benz S63. “This is the day I’ve been waiting for.”

He set his laptop and both parents' phones in the passenger seat and slowly pulled out. He paid $100 to Milly and asked her to put the bottle back in his father’s liquor cabinet and rolled a few paces to room 105.

======

After filling out medical forms, the palace doctor ushered Drake behind a curtain where a long rectangular table and folding chair sat. Taking the seat, Drake watched the doctor slip on a pair of gloves and pull a small tube of lube out of his lab coat pocket. Drake furrowed his brows in confusion. “Heh. What’s the lube for?” he chuckled lightly. “I’m just here for a shot, man. Nothing else is going in me.”

“Just relax, Mr. Walker. It’s all part of the process.” A squirt of clear liquid was squeezed onto the doctor's two gloved fingers as he held them up. “On your medical forms you denied having a physical exam in the past year. I just need to do a quick exam and check for rectal polyps.”

Drake started laughing in amusement, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You’ve got to be shittin' me. So let me get this straight. I can’t get a shot until you stick your fingers in my ass to check for ‘polyps?’ Yeah, that’s happening. What a bunch of horse malarky.”

The doctor let out an annoyed huff. “I see you didn’t read over the information forms. They never do,’ he mumbled. “Look, if you want me to wait here all day while you figure out what to do, I can’t -- I have a deadline to finish here. Now if you’ll move along, I have another patient waiting; you’re free to go.”

And Drake knew he was. But that expensive bottle of Glenfiddich was calling his name. He glanced over to that one last beautiful bottle sitting atop a desk on the far side of the room, calling his name. Selling it for even half of what it was worth would afford him enough to move the hell out of the palace and get the freedom from Nik he desired. Rubbing a hand over the scruff on his chin, Drake's timid gaze turned from the bottle to the doctor. He could handle a finger or two in ass for a few seconds if t made him $90,000 richer. 

“Okay. What do I need to do?”

Nikolas quietly typed on the keyboard of his laptop from the opposite side of the curtain. The images from the hidden cameras plastered on the wall where Drake was seated popped into view on his screen. Feeding a link to, and overriding the broadcast feed at the CBC, Nik crouched down low and waited with little beady eyes for the exam to begin. “Perfect ...Okay, Doc, let’s see if you can get a hole in one.”

----------

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#Little Shit #Drake Walker #Liam x mc #trr #trr fanfiction

[rigelmejo]

march - just some thoughts

i have read more this month than any other month? and its not slowing down its only 3/12 so i have 2/3 of a month to go and i’ve read 26 chapters. even if these chapters are ‘short’ at 10 pages, if i wanna count by ‘20 page’ chunks i’ve still read 13 chunks so far. and i’ve still got more time in the month left. most other months i’ve managed to read ‘a lot’ i read 10-20 chapters. so i’m doing really good.

grammar is a weird thing? in reading i feel like its quite easy now to understand. when listening or watching - same. and yet if asked ‘why do i say/type X’ or ‘why is it written/spoken like X’ i have absolutely no explanation in my head. i could not explain the grammar if prompted. this puts me in a weird place and i feel like i SHOULD go over a grammar guide again just so i can WORD what i’m intuitively understanding.

this is a bit bizarre to me because within the first 6 months of study i DID read through an entire grammar guide just to get an idea of what i was about to look at, and it hardly made sense once actually reading/watching/listening. i understood the guide fine, but actually Seeing chinese i was still confused. i would reference AllSetLearning’s Chinese Wiki on some basic points, then after 6 months i just stopped. now its been what 1.5 years and - reading is so easy, listening is so easy, grammar wise. none of the grammar confuses me. but i no longer ‘explicitly’ have any idea what the fuck the grammar is. i used to. i studied it explicitly before trying to read/listen. and yet now that i can read/listen, i have no idea how to explain the grammar. i can listen to a podcast and i don’t think about what the grammar is i just get it. i read and just know what i’m looking at. its like english - i cannot fucking explain it. Which makes speaking/writing a bit hard. Because when i try to check if i’m right i have no fucking clue HOW anymore - i just say/write what comes to mind and HOPE it makes sense. i have no way to conciously check for errors except ‘does this feel right’? And that’s not good enough for me lol. So I definitely do need to eventually read a grammar guide for explicit explanations again.

Technically I think “English and Chinese Grammar Side By Side” grammar book would be an excellent one to use. Because i read the first 50 pages of it and it compared it to english (so it explained english too), and it was very easy to understand and started basic then got more involved. 

I’m probably gonna use my very old Chinese Grammar Self Taught by Thimm book instead. Just because I really like that book. Then I guess use another after (probably Basic Chinese Sentence Patterns since its modern and perfect for ‘catch your own mistakes’ study and much shorter than Eng+Chinese Grammar side by side). 

Anyway I’m in a very weird place right now lol. I know i’m understanding grammar that is stuff I never even studied initially in the grammar guide, but unable to explain what it is, and a lot of stuff i did explicitly study in a grammar guide i completely forgot the explanation for. My reading and listening is GREAT, because all my effort only has to go into learning new words lately! its relaxing! Its the only part i need to do! But my writing/speaking i am very concerned about because being able to check myself for mistakes is something i’d like the ability to do.

how grammar is presented really makes a difference in how well i get it. there is some serious benefit to ‘show simple first then build up what you know’ that text books tend to prefer. versus like grammar reference books that may start with some in depth stuff.

i tried to read a japanese grammar guide the other day and 1 it was great but 2 it covered some ADVANCED stuff i never learned in genki 1+2, and so it was Explicit grammar description of stuff i had literally years ago been immersing in japanese and Still not conciously known about. So i felt. Overwhelmed lol. I felt so confused. I feel like I might switch to Tae Kim’s grammar guide primarily just because its structured with basics covered first. and i feel like until the basics are again glued into my brain, seeing even more advanced stuff just confused me so much i had no idea how to remember it. which is funny because? my usual strategy with grammar guides is to just read it and let what sticks stick and what is confusing be moved on from, in the hope i will later see it again and understand it better. so like based on what i usually do i should’ve just been able to read through it (and i’m gonna try anyway lol). but truly japanese grammar just... my mind does not like wrapping around it and remembering it. (chinese grammar is so much easier for me... so much easier....;-; )

i have been tempted to just Restart Nukemarine’s LLJ (Lets Learn Japanese) memrise decks, because I KNOW they worked for me last time really really well. And they include Tae Kim grammar lessons. And I know if i did it then maybe i’d get back to where i was years ago pretty fast.

I tried Earthlingo app. Its a cool idea, I don’t think its worth it though unless you planned to get Rosetta Stone (since Earthlingo is FREE). Earthlingo features 1000 words per language, taught to you by exploring video game worlds as an alien. Its a cool concept, but since all words seem to be nouns then you aren’t even learning the most common verbs/adjectives. And 1000 words is not a lot. And you could learn 1000 quite fast if using srs flashcards like Memrise or Anki (think weeks if you push yourself, and a month or two months if going at a regular pace). Earthlingo you have to slowly explore the worlds so that eats time, you have to choose to test yourself (so you don’t review nearly as often as flashcard apps), and one test includes walking around the world clicking the object which you’re given the word for (takes time to find the right object). All this means a word that might take maybe 15 minutes to study over a few weeks, might instead take much longer to study and learn. I don’t use duolingo because it generally covers so few words (usually 2000-4000 i think which is good for a beginner resource but you have to do the WHOLE course to get to all those words and i take so long on duolingo that could take YEARS for me versus a month on a flashcard app or clozemaster). Duolingo I also don’t use because it very slowly paces learning material (it takes me months/years to get through 1000 words on duolingo - just personally i go so slow on it, i think faster people would find a use for it). Likewise Lingodeer takes me AGES to get through (and i think covers 2000 words nowadays? I’m shocked Duolingo has more words for the japanese course tbh). However, Lingodeer is by far the best ‘app’ for Japanese grammar lessons in app practice form. Even if basically all the apps feel pretty slow to me in how fast they give you new info. Earthlingo is cool that its free, and for learners 12 and under i think it would be super useful as a way to engage them and keep them studying (since what child likes flashcards? whereas as a child i would’ve loved this). But as an adult Earthlingo is sooooo slow on how fast you can learn words, and it does not even offer very many words (1000 is a nice bare minimum but without verbs/adjectives it can only be a supplementary learning tool for beginners at best).

Link about Lingodeer having 2000 words in a course. (Since its SO hard to lookup how much vocabulary lingodeer includes :c )

Nukemarine’s LLJ memrise decks (which I’m considering going through again but ToT agh flashcardssssss.... they sure do work though agh)

http://www.chinese-grammar.com/beginner/ - this is the site I read a chinese grammar guide on at like Month 3. I am rereading it now maybe it will help me remember wtf grammar explicitly is. ToT (A tip, read Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced sections). Last time I visited the site you just clicked a section, then saw each fully explained grammar point and clicked ‘next’ it was nice. Now its laid out a little less ideal for me, but its still got all the same nice info! (Also honestly if you are a beginner I really DO like this grammar guide... it introduces basic info first, gradually gets more complex, and i could follow its logic knowing like 200 hanzi and 100 words ToT. its very easy to understand even if it takes a while to apply that info).

im probably gonna read hanshe more today. i’m at the point where either i know enough vocab, or the writers style has just ‘clicked’ idk. but now i just am not getting bogged down by unknown words and am just. speeding through enjoying the plot. Also rip me this novel has 155 chapters and im only on chapter 30.

watching japanese lets plays is really fun! i feel like im 3 years old cause i just see nouns i can learn pretty easy in context cause i know the game well, and hear some vaguely familiar verbs, but its fun! also it helps i know kingdom hearts 2 like by heart so. a lot of it makes me instantly cheerful and nostalgic. roxas’s voice is so cute in the japanese version.

oh i almost forgot: I found a book recently for chinese that for it’s like 10 page grammar guide summary at the beginning ALONE i think is more than worth the 4 dollars it costs to get. It has a ton of compound words and its a reference book in mandarin and cantonese (it has pronunciation for both, all characters are in traditional). I got it initally because it as a bunch of compound words and I’d like to get better at knowing a lot of common ones. But the intro to the book has a page explaining sentence structures in chinese, then examples. Its so straightforward and to the point. I love it. The book is “Understanding Chinese: A Guide to the Usage of Chinese Characters” by Rita Mei-Wah Choy. (There is also a companion book for individual hanzi, which is nice but this book specifically I’m finding more useful).

what i really like about Listening-Reading method, and reading, as study activities: no matter how I do them it is only improvement. I have a tendency to ‘redo’ material i don’t feel i fully mastered, or refuse to move on. So when i have duolingo, flashcards (sometimes i can move on if i ignore reviews/make myself do new stuff), books, grammar guides, self guided classes - i have a tendency to redo the material. over and over. and not progress and challenge myself. whereas with reading - every time i look up a word its useful because its new or something i clearly Need to review (not something i’ve actually learned and can move past reviewing). so whether i reread material or read new stuff, as long as i run into things i find somewhat challenging (feel the desire to word look up), i know i am running into new material i can learn. Same with listening-reading method: whether i finish a book or just skip to random books, any new chapter i do will give me new words to learn/remember (until i’ve reached a point of perfect listening comprehension which is a WAYS away). There’s no way for me to mess it up. I can give up a book im bored with, i don’t have to stick to one resource to the end. 

someone tell me why professionally made chinese audio books almost NEVER line up to the chapters???? whyyyyy ;-;

Even More Notes lol:

So I read so much in Pleco, which auto pronounces, I have COMPLETELY forgot. 得 地 - for these two, when they’re attached after a description like 淡淡 慢慢 高兴 etc, when are they pronounced di versus de???? i’m pretty sure  得 is pronounced de when its an adjective like ‘-ly’. but for  地, i don’t remember if when part of a describer if its pronounced di or de????

#rant #march progress #march #everyone using ore in kh2 is hilarious a lil to me tho #u are all bishies u are all tiny kids WHy u acting so tough lol

[redacted-metallum]

Classic Slashers I've seen aligned with TMA Fears even though I haven't listened to the podcast in months bc it was fucking w my head and i woke up half an hour ago and im writing this on my phone lets go:

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974):

Definitely Flesh, like HARDCORE Flesh like probably Jonny Sims the Creator of the Podcast was Inspired by this movie for the Flesh hardcore Fleshcore.

I honestly get Stranger vibes too both because like. The early 20 somethings were like who the fuck is THIS guy when Bubba showed up and Bubba was like who the fuck are THESE people why are they in my house (and then he killed them)

A sprinkling of Corruption bc the whole movie looks like it smells bad. I will not elaborate you either understand what that means or you don't.

Just a dash of the Hunt as well bc people do get chased but it feels less like "oh god oh fuck im being chased" and more "if that man gets me im gonna die bc he has a fucking chainsaw" which is more Flesh than Hunt

Also the Slaughter that's like. Inherent. It's a given. Probably going to exclude it from further things just bc. It's The Slaughter and these are Slashers

HALLOWEEN (1978)

If the Hunt and the Stranger had a baby you would get this movie. Im also including Halloween II (1981) bc that's one of my favorite versions of Michael Myers even though ive only seen the two movies. Thats how good of a Michael he is.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)

Ngl??? The Spiral. The whole blurring of dreams and reality thing is 100% the Spiral.

Probably also a bit of the Hunt?

Idk man it's been a while since I've seen this one I just know if I go up against a Freddy in DBD im gonna die quickly and be mad as hell the whole time. Also if I saw Freddy in my dream I'd simply wake up bc I had to pee. Rip to those teenagers but I'm different.

I also didn't like this movie but that's more because I want to tear Freddy apart. Fucking hate that guy. I heard the 2nd one was better but I havent seen it yet.

SCREAM (1996)

God I need to watch Scream again it's so good.

I'm gonna mention Slaughter specifically for this one even though it's implied by nature of the type of movie I'm talking about here. Something abt just. The fact that in the OG Scream nothing supernatural is going on and it's just. Two shithead teens doing murder distills it to Slaughter in an almost pure form.

I havent seen any of the other ones yet but ive heard theyre also good.

I do think there's an aspect of the Stranger to it as well in that like. You don't know WHO Ghostface is for most of the movie but it's to a lesser degree than like, Halloween.

FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)

Im still disappointed there was no Jason in this one. I just wanted to see a large man with a machete.

This movie honestly almost had no vibes if you ask me it was like. I had fun watching it but it was mostly bc i was on a vc with a friend who was also watching it and we were making fun of it.

I guess Stranger?? Idk

Mrs Voorhees effectively utilized girl power when she killed those late teens early 20s.

SAW I, II, and III (2004, 2005, 2006)

Flesh. Flesh Flesh Flesh. Did I mention Flesh?

I'm honestly also gonna say Eye because I really feel like an Aspect of the Saw movies is that you are being Watched through it all that's like. Different to the being watched in Halloween.

Also Slaughter mostly just bc in my head Grifter's Bone sounds like NIN and iirc NIN did the soundtrack to at least one of those movies.

I watched them all in like one sitting and then I had to Stop.

HELLRAISER I, II, III (1987, 1988, 1992)

Is this even a slasher?? I'm including it.

It's got like. Flesh and Spiral vibes. The Spiral vibes might just be because it's weird.

There's no fear thats specifically horny so I can't properly assign one based off of the vibes bc these movies are so goddamn horny.

I watched these 3 in under 24 hours while also graduating high school

THE SHINING (1980)

If Hellraiser is a slasher so is the Shining.

If the Slaughter and the Spiral had a baby it would be this movie. I cannot articulate more clearly how strong the vibes are. When i imagine the Spiral's hallway it has the Overlook Hotel's carpet.

I've been to the hotel where they filmed the outside parts. We went there and I was like, mad abt being on a mountain until i saw the hotel and I was like holy SHIT and then i had beef stew

AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000)

Another movie of pure Slaughter/Spiral vibes. The Spiral vibes are only there because watching it feels almost Exactly like dissociation.

Like I watch this movie and then im like where am i who am i

I think about the business card scene every goddamn day

This took like. An hour. You're welcome.

#revs thoughts #slashers #the magnus archives #tma #ask to tag #long post

[nahimjustfeelingit-writes]

Imagine:

Erik getting the readers hair wet after she spent all day in the salon getting it done and she flips out on him.

You went over two years without getting your hair silk pressed but today was the day you and Erik had a scheduled “early 2000’s” photo shoot so you wanted to switch things up. Your hair was almost waist length and you knew it would cost you a pretty penny to get all of that thick 4A hair pressed out.

What you hadn’t expected was for the process to take almost four hours. Clearly, relying on friends to do your hair wasn’t a good idea. Your appointment was scheduled for 9:00 am but as soon as you got there the salon was backed up and it seemed like every woman with natural hair wanted a silk press today. The shit was ridiculous. You waited for about an hour before a booth was actually ready for you. This didn’t include having to get your hair washed and detangled, deep conditioned, steamed, then blown out, and then silk pressed. All of this cost you around $100.

You were finally finished around 3:15 pm, cranky but in love with your silky hair. It was trimmed, shiny, and soft. You allowed your stylist friend to take a few pictures for social media, saying ‘thank you’ to all the women who envied you’re hair. Your 4A hair was actually waist length. Erik wouldn’t know how to control himself once he saw you like this.

Erik: Y/N, where are you? I’m stopping by chic-fil-A to get us something to eat. What you want?

This was Erik’s text to you.

Y/N: crispy chicken deluxe with waffle fries and a lemonade.

Erik: Aight greedy I got you 🙄

Y/N: thank you meany 😘

Erik: You didn’t answer my question though. Where are you?

Y/N: leaving the salon. Remember I told you I’m getting it done today?

Erik: Shit 😂 I forgot that fast. I can’t wait to see it 😏

Y/N: I bet you can’t. I know what you’re thinking.

Erik: I’m glad you know.

—————————-

Finally home, you pulled out your 2000s outfit. Playboy bunny crop top in pink, pleated plaid skirt colored pink, white, and black, silver rhinestone shades, lip gloss, and a pair of air force 1s.

You needed a quick shower before the shoot and Erik was close. Stripping down, you wrapped your hair, securing it with a few scarves to insure that it doesn’t get wet or frizz up. You enter the bathroom, turning on the shower before entering carefully, pulling the curtain closed behind you. While you washed your body, Erik enters the house, dressed in a clean suit from work at the Outreach, his work bag and both of your food. After placing the food in the kitchen, Erik walks to the bedroom, taking off his bag, shoes, and suit jacket.

Erik: Y/N? You in the shower baby without me?

He could smell the peppermint Castile soap you used frequently. Erik took off his shirt, walking to the master bathroom. He spots you through the glass door, cleaning off your beautiful body. He admired you with lust, more than ready to bend you over the tub and fuck you. Without warning, Erik walls up to the shower, opening the door and wrapping a hand around your waist. You squeal in surprise, soaking wet body pressed against him.

Erik: you taking showers without me, babe?

Y/N: I’m sorry you were taking too long.

Erik: I told you I was close baby girl.

Erik runs his hands all over your ass, titties, and pussy. You moan, hands on the shower wall while he touched you all over.

Erik: bend over baby girl.

Y/N: Erik, wait until I get out, okay?

Erik: I can’t baby I need some pussy.

You suck your teeth, Erik’s lips against your ear while he whispered to you. You loved it when he did that. Erik bends you over, his hand spreading your pussy open to put his fingers inside of you. He put three in there. You gasp, arching back against him while he finger fucked you from the back.

Y/N: oooo Daddy

You made sure your head was away from the shower, moaning deliciously while his fingers got you wet.

Erik: you want Daddy to buss it open?

Y/N: fuck yes

You couldn’t help it he had you fully horny now.

Y/N: hurry up daddy we gotta go to the photo shoot.

Erik pulls his fingers out of you, sucking them before pulling his pants down, kicking them off. His dick was standing at attention, his left hand stroking it while his right hand was on your hips. He slowly enters you, both of you sighing in unison as he started pumping his hips. The sight of your wet booty and warm skin made his dick even harder. The sight of you creaming his dick made him increase his pace, fucking you with you body bent over until your hands were touching the floor of the shower. He was going ape shit inside of you and now was the time to panic. When Erik went Killmonger in the pussy you had to hold on for the ride and pray that you would still be able to walk afterwards.

Erik: This pussy always cream on Daddy’s dick.

He slaps your wet ass causing it to sting.

The more he fucked you, the more your mind became fuzzy. Everything else didn’t matter and clearly your hair included. While Erik fucked your brains out you slipped, head falling directly under the water. You scream, Erik still fucking into you at a rapid delicious pace.

Y/N: ERIK! MY HAIR!!!!!

You try your best to touch it but erik was fucking your pussy so good you couldn’t even function.

Y/N: ERIK! *moans* IM GONNA KILL YOU!

Erik: shut up and cum on this daddy dick!!!!

You claw his arm, ready to fucking cuss him out but the moment the head of his dick stroked your g spot you lost your mind. You cum all over him, Erik still going. Your scarf was off, silk pressed hair curling back up from the large amount of water. All of that hard work, all that money, down the drain.

Y/N: ERIK! Erik I swear to God I’m gonna kill you!!!! *moans*

Erik: *grabs wet hair* WHOSE KILLING WHO THOUGH?

He was non stop. You looked back at him with a glare, hands pressed to the wet wall while he stroked your pussy. It was so good you wanted to cry. He had the fucking nerve. Your hair was completely ruined now and all he wants to do is fuck the shit out of you.

Y/N: BABY IM SO MAD AT YOU!!!

You were but damn.

Erik got some good dick.

Erik: I’m so sorry baby girl, Daddy sorry *strokes faster*

He said that very loosely. You groan with a mixture of anger and pleasure, eyes low and the feeling of yet another orgasm creeping up.

Y/N: FUCK YOU!!!!

You cum again, ready to be through so you could punch him in the chest for this but he had a firm grip on you, pumping his dick in and out until the feeling of him swelling stretched your walls. You moan with him, his nails deep in your skin as he cums all inside of you and deep.

Erik slips out, his cum dripping down your leg. The minute he was out you turned to him, face frowning. Erik admired the curly hair, unable to fight a laugh.

Erik: Baby girl don’t be mad at me, I didn’t mean to

Y/N: I spent Damn near four hours in the fucking salon, Erik, four. This shit cost me $100 to get it done!!!!! You don’t care all you cared about was getting some pussy.

Erik: how man times do you want me to say I’m sorry?!! If you want I can pay for the shit again. Damn, my bad.

Y/N: I’m not going to this photo shoot.

You step out of the shower, practically running out of the bathroom. Erik follows behind you, calling out to you.

Erik: *laughs* Baby, I’m sorry.

He gets down on his knees, looking up at your naked frame while you angrily throw your clothes back into the closet.

Erik: you can wear it curly. It looks better curly anyway baby.

Y/N: that’s not the fucking point.

Erik: what you want me to do? You want me to do your hair for you? I can put it in those two buns with some butterfly clips.

You look over at him, scowling. He pouted, hands up in prayer hoping you wouldn’t be mad anymore.

Y/N: Stop doing that. I’m not falling for that shit again. I’m pissed the fuck off.

Erik: I love you.

You roll your eyes. Erik pulls you over to him, holding you against his chest. He smelled good and felt good. You wanted to be so mad at him but the was Erik. He was annoying and aggravating but you couldn’t stay mad at him forever.

Y/N: You get on my fucking nerves.

He laughs because he knew when you said that you weren’t mad anymore.

Erik: Is that your way of telling me you love me?

Y/N: You know I love you.

You did no matter how much of a handful his is.

Erik: listen, I’ll pay for your hair, nails, and those Louis Vuitton slippers you wanted. How about that diamond choker? I can get you one of those too.

He always tried to make it up to you.

Y/N: how about all of it? I mean, I think I deserve that much.

Erik: You do, *kisses neck* I got you baby girl.

You groan, melting from his kisses.

#killmonger imagine #killmonger x reader #killmonger fanfiction #black panther killmonger #erik killmonger #nahimjustfeelingit-writes

[completeotometrash]

Matchup

@i-sleep-like-napoleon

I'm a female on the libra-scorpio cusp and a Slytherin, I'm kind of a mix of ENFP and INFP. Appearance-wise, I'm 5'2, i've brown eyes and caramel brown hair. I also wear glasses and I'm also quite tanned from being out in the sun all the time. Personality-wise: - I can be really enthusiastic about stuff I'm really interested in, such as history (especially world war history), sciences (but physics is trash to me) and anime (I'm a closet nerd hehe) . - I can be really ambitious and competitive, and I would sometimes place unrealistic expectations on myself, leaving me mentally exhausted and stressed, but like i place these unrealistic measures on myself to strive to be the best - I do try to chill and take it slow, but you know, sometimes i just can't 😅 - I'm quite an open book to all my close friends - I also tend to be really possessive, like I dont like people purposely trying to steal my friends (it happened a lot of times before) and i hate it when someone randomly butts into a conversation i'm having with anyone, especially if it's a deep conversation - I can be really awkward around people i don't click with, but around people i click with, i can be pretty wild and will be able to hold conversations with. - I tend to procrastinate a lot, and people say i look intimidating but i don't feel like I'm intimidating. - I can be really sensitive to other's emotions and i tend to put others before me, so like my close friend always told me that i'm too much of a giver, like I try to please everyone else and ignore myself - My love languages are physical touch and quality time - I can't stand people who are attention seekers or just aim to be public nuisances as i feel that they're just really irritating and it gets on my nerves, especially those people who are just doing stupid things to be popular (which is lowkey why i think tiktoks dances are dumb, like seriously i dont get the hype, but i do like tiktok meme videos tho) - I listen to a lot of different genres of music, but i especially love classics (mozart and chopin are my favourites) and pop. - I can really insecure at times, because i always feel that every other girl out there is better than me and i'm just a plain and ugly, and partially because i got bullied when i was younger about my appearance - I like dressing up and putting on makeup occassionally, but i do act like a tomboy most of the time (ie. I hate skirts, like i really dont like them and i have no idea why, but jeans are supreme). - I also love playing the piano and singing as well, even though i'm not that good at it :D - People tell me that I'm very curious and persistent, constantly pushing until i get answers, but i do know my limits. - I'm also very passionate about things I love, and i would do anything to protect people that i care and love. - I'm also very affectionate and supportive towards my close friends and people i love. - I do have trust issues and I often feel like i do not deserve love and that I hate people who betray my trust. - I'm ok with pda, but not anything overly affectionate, like hand-holding and kissing is ok, but not making out 😳😖 - I also tend to be pretty forgettful, and i'll not eat for hours to get my work on hand done (whoop pretty unhealthy but :0) - I'm also really sarcastic when i want to be, and i can't hold a poker face to save my life (i swear i always start laughing like 2 seconds in) and I tend to sass people a lot, especially if I've had a bad day - I'm also pretty fiesty and I hate people stereotyping me for my gender (i.e like when someone says that "oh you're pretty good for a girl") like what does my gender have to do with my ability? Like there is zero correlation - My sense of humour is kind of twisted at times but i really love memes and i tend to crack inappropriate jokes sometimes - I've been told that i come across as really flirty to some guys but it's because i can be really touchy feely to my friends - I'm also quick to anger, especially if i have a bad day, i hate people who nag and i hate people who put down others- I'm kind of touch-starved, so i really like hugs and cuddles, but I'm also ticklish so my friends tend to tickle me when hugging me - I can be a daydreamer at times, like I would get stuck in my own fantasy world when i shouldn't 😂😂 - I'm also a drama queen around my friends, I dont have a lot of them in real life because of some rumours that others spread, so i only have a close circle of friends i really treasure and would do anything for them - I also tend to bottle up all my anger and negative thoughts, and would sometimes like explode on others even though I don't mean to - Sometimes I don't really think before I say or act, which is why sometimes I can come off as a bit rude or unfeeling but it's just me and my impulsiveness 🤪 Fun Facts: - i really love food, especially sweets (dark chocolate and dango is my life) - i really hate horror movies (I'm usually pretty brave, but horror movies just get to me so much ergh) but i love chick flicks and adventure flims - I'm also a hopeless romantic, which is why even little romantic gestures can make my heart flutter - My hobbies are reading, writing and shooting (only air-rifle though) - I used to be pretty athletic, I still am, but to a lesser extend now, because i injured my left knee playing volleyball in the past. It's on it's road to recovery, but it still hurts quite badly when i overexert myself. - I love artic foxes and cats, dogs are too energetic for me 😅 - I'm also a sneaker hoarder and I love collecting and wearing sneakers hehe, heels are like torture devices for the feet i dont care even if they make me taller - Coffee over tea anyday, no offense to peoples who like tea, but a fresh cup of brewed coffee is one of the best things in the world 😚 - I'm really terrible at drawing, I'm not gonna kid you. When i was younger, my art teacher threatened to fail me because im really terrible at drawing. 😂 - I'm also very injury-prone and a bit clumsy, which caused me to have bruises occasionally - I'm kinda bad and math and physics, but like if you take your time to explain to me then I'll understand a bit more lol, my best subject is like chemistry

...........

Thank you so much for the request! Hope you enjoy.

Although I was deeply torn between another character, I believe the suitor you’d be best with is: Sasuke Sarutobi!

I honestly feel like a relationship between you two would be like an, “opposites attract,” type of deal. But despite this, you two still would share a lot of common interests! Unlike all of the other guys, he understands you. He was born and raised in the same time period as you! He knows everything a normal person would from the 2000′s, he’s watched movies, listened to similar music, enjoyed memes, and understands references! Sasuke has made it very clear that he too, is quite the history guru. His former job in modern times was being a scientist. (Although it was never mentioned, I strongly feel like he enjoyed anime before he was sent back in time.) And he loves to not only learn, but teach what he knows! You two have a relationship unlike any other, which is a truly special thing. If there would ever be a time where you want to rant or discuss anything about the future, he would gladly listen!

Sasuke is not very good with his emotions, and is very stoic and self-kept. Seeing you and your expressions and how different you two are is pretty refreshing to him. He doesn’t find you intimidating whatsoever! (More adorable than anything). If you were ever frustrated at him or the world, he knows how to take it without making things worse, (most of the time). Always stays calm and has no problem being the first to apologize. He listens to how you feel and gives his best advice. Rare of you to ever get mad at him, he’s a pretty chill person that doesn’t seek attention or act like they’re better than anyone. He’s not too sure how to help you with your insecurities. Shows his love through actions rather than words, but still gives the nice occasional compliment on how you look or on your personality. (He truly does love you, thinks of you as being better than perfect.) He doesn’t mind that you’re the same way. Also isn’t bothered by you being possessive at all. (Doesn’t really talk to girls other than you unless he has to.)

Loves going and doing things with you. Whether if it’s walking around town or playing games in the castle! (Thinks you being competitive is adorable!) Understands if you just want to stay home and relax. He’s very introverted and doesn’t really understand social ques, so just being alone with you is something he would take any day.

Although he doesn’t show it, he loves pampering you! Enjoys cuddles as well. (Everyone seems to discuss on how he and his s/o would recreate the upside-down Spiderman kiss.) Will just randomly pull up romantic movie or TV show lines, and vines. A secret softy! (But only for you).

Overall, I think this would be a really healthy relationship! Only problem being how bad he is at expressing himself. (Which can be fixed over time.)

Other Possible matches: Masamune Date (almost picked this one tbh), Mitsunari Ishida, and Kennyo.. (Fuck I can’t remember his last name. Someone please educate me.)

#ikemen sengoku #ikemensengoku #matchups #matchup #match up #sasuke sarutobi #ikesen sasuke

[gendryw4ters-blog]

Gonna send this in now; don't worry about responding for a while, it's almost time for me to go to bed and you have fun things to do! Lieb: As anyone can tell you, Lieb doesn’t give a shit. Not about how much his clothes cost, if he went to college, the type of beer he drinks, and who he loves. Which means of course he’s punk, through and through. This comes through from old-school punk, like the Ramones, and through more modern groups like Palma Violets, Arctic Monkeys, and (1/?)

FIDLAR, his choice of pre-gaming music. He’s the cultural heir to the Beastie Boys and Nirvana and he’s proud of it. Jamie T’s songs feel like they fit that particular sentiment, with the chorus of “Sticks n Stones” REALLY summing up Lieb: “When there’s no one left to fight/Boys like him don’t shine so bright/Soon as I see the dust settle/He’s out on the town tryin’ to find trouble”.Wavves and FIDLAR (two of my favorite bands) bring in the SoCal element to Lieb. I feel like even though in (2/?)

canon he’s so damn proud of being from there, in a modern AU, he’d constantly be trying to distance himself from the general hippie reputation in favor for the grittiness of NorCal or even claiming New York (“Well, Web’s from there, and I lived with him before we came out here, so really, I am a New Yorker. And the Ramones would’ve loved me, so fuck off.”). Toye: Much like how Ron and Lip are Joy Division and New Order, the Joes are the Ramones and the Clash or the Damned: same genre, same (3/?)

circles, still different enough to be their own. Joe definitely is more in touch with his emotions outside of pissed off than Lieb, and he doesn’t really care as much about his reputation as long as he’s not publicly considered weak or soft, which leads into what I (lovingly) refer to as “1980s emo”. As with Oasis vs. Blur, the Smiths vs. the Cure is a huge debate (I’m firmly with the Cure on this one), but as long as there are songs he can mope around to, Joe doesn’t care. He does fit more (4/?

into 90s and 2000s alt in terms of his reactions and how he conducts himself, so I think Tame Impala, Pixies, and The Strokes fit him well in that area. They rep his outer reputation to people. But he’s a softie and as much as he denies it, he’s the guy who lays in bed and listens to mostly sad or apathetic music for a few days after a break up, then gets mad and makes himself get over it. Also, for some reason, this tattoo metaphor for the Joes (Lieb is stick-and-pokes done by a friend (5/6)

with some shitty alcohol and not quite legally and Joe is one of those old schools at an obscure but critically acclaimed parlor) popped in my head??? Do with it what you will. So that’s my thoughts, and I think I’m going to take a bit of a break w/the mixes. Would you like me to send in one or non-music things or something else? (6/6)

LIEB:

firstly; you’re absolutely right. lieb doesn’t give a shit about ANY of that- like he isn’t a very materialistic person at all, more concerned with collecting experience than he is with collecting actual things (aside from records, which i think perhaps he’d have a lot of- it ties in with the Web/Brooklyn Baby thing too because he’d be in awe of Web’s record collection and all of his rare finds and he genuinely does think Web is cooler than him because of that) (okay maybe not QUITE cooler than him but, yknow, close ahah). 

i actually have a whole document i did one night on why jamie t and joseph liebgott are the same person (which in retrospect would have been better as a powerpoint presentation tbh), but yeah, i think sticks and stones sums him up particularly well in that respect. it’s not even that he’s necessarily always seeking to fight, just that there is nothing else to do but fight. the kids i work with have a grand total of zero things to do at lunchtimes so they just fight for fun, which i think is something that comes with lieb quite a lot- and, presumably, jamie t. both of them have grown a lot though, and i think that becomes evident through music moreso than anything else. take sticks and stones and compare it to trouble, is what i think i mean?? idk im rambling here definitely but!! i hope you get what i mean kind of haha

ALSO i love FIDLAR and im always shook when i meet other people who do too so like!! that’s fucking awesome. and also that’s an interesting take on lieb actually! i wanted to include things to do with california because i knew his home state kind of played a big part in shaping his identity, but im afraid i was less aware of the north/south divide in terms of culturey things so!! learning that was cool, and yeah i could absolutely see him as claiming new yorker status on behalf of web omg!

TOYE:

fuck fuck i’m laughing so hard ok so I did my analyses of the Joes last night, and we have pretty much the same things to say about the Joy-Toye. I didn’t go into relationships b/w other mixes but wow, ok, 95% of it is what I had. I can still send it in, but it’s basically the same thing

first of all it’s both hilarious and wonderful that we reached the same conclusion on toye omg- like, we must obviously be doing something right if we’ve BOTH reached the same point of conclusion right?? right?? ahah

i dont really know what else to say on the matter of toye since youve worded it so brilliantly in your ask, like oh gosh, the image of him lying around after a heartbreak listening to mopey music is just like- agh i wanna give him a hug and tell him everythings going to be fine

ALSO THE TATTOO METAPHOR IS REALLY COOL AND I LIKE THAT A LOT

im tempted to write something but! i dont know what but i just, gosh its a great metaphor and great imagery too!! thank you for this!!

and also!! you do whatever you like rae honestly! im always around to chat or discuss music or the shows or anything you wanna!! you’re super cool and thank you so much for these mix things because i really appreciate them a lot!!

much love! and i hope that all is well!!

#asks #spotify anon #me: loves the joes #THANKS FOR THIS RAE! stunning as always rae plus good work

[racetrackthehiggins]

Johnny and the Delinquents: A Murphamy Rock Band AU

warnings: brief unspecific references to child abuse, alcoholism that was mostly in the past, lots of swearing, men who suck at talking, my aggressive inability to write lyrics, and John Murphy singing a cover Can't Help Falling in Love BECAUSE FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE IS RIGHT NOW.

apologies: on how long this took, and also the sheer number of JTHM references in here. I spent the early 2000's writing JTHM fics and it turns out the name Johnny is FOREVER linked with that so there's that. Also I know nothing about music besides singing so I'm sure I got a lot of that wrong and also I apologize for the stage names...I thought it was funny

and last but not least, a note: I'm pretty sure this is gonna be my last work in the 100 fandom, at least at the moment. thank you all for sticking with me, and who knows, maybe I'll return to the 100 in the days to come!

below or on ao3

Murphy answered the phone, because it was Jaha. As much as he hated his new manager, he had also learned better than to blow him off. “Y’ello,” he said, because he knew how much it irritated Jaha.

He was exhausted and had earned his uninterrupted sleep. He and Emori had a show that went until two the night before and then they had gone out for drinks. The City of Light had been months in the making, but their fifth major gig had gone splendidly, and he blamed the combination of sleepy, hungover and deeply satisfied on why he completely missed what Jaha said.

“It would be a really good opportunity for you,” Jaha said. “Everyone else has agreed,” Jaha said. “The publicity would really help The City of Light, and you know how much I want to see you all become a success,” Jaha said.

Murphy could tell there was something Jaha wasn’t saying, but didn’t know what it was. Jaha could be infuriatingly cryptic. Everything had been better before he had done a summer at Burning Man and come back frustratingly zen. “Okay,” Murphy replied. “What is this great opportunity?”

Jaha’s long pause was telling enough and Murphy really wanted to hang up, but resisted because Emori would be irritable if she knew he was blowing off their manager. “A reunion of Johnny and the Delinquents. Don’t hang up.”

Murphy took his finger off of the end-call button reluctantly. “No. I’m not doing it.”

Jaha continued like Murphy didn’t say anything, which he always, always did. “Album and tour, a couple of photos of you all hugging, and you’re done.”

“I believe I already said no.” Murphy felt anger already bubbling up from within him like a volcano of rage, but so far he’d kept his voice quiet enough that Emori was still passed out and he hadn’t threatened anyone or even cursed.

His anger management counselor would have been so proud.

Jaha took another long pause to find his words. “You’re contractually obligated. They expect you in New York in a week.”

Murphy could feel his blood pressure rise. “Excuse me?” he said, and it all went downhill from there.

The second he hung up with Jaha he called Raven. “What the actually fuck is going on, Raven?”

“I dunno,” she said, and he could tell she had a wrench in her mouth because he had known her long enough to know what that sounded like. “Just the sound engineer.”

Murphy rolled his eyes. He might be across the country, but he was not in a different reality. “I know you know, so spit it out.”

“Apparently your split from The Delinquents wasn’t ever made official—now that Kane’s in charge of the label, he wants the publicity from a reunion tour. Plus technically you’ve been in breach of contract for five years.” She paused. He tried not to fidget. “But that’s just what I’ve heard. I’m only a lowly engineer.”

Murphy took a deep breath and counted to ten. There’s background noise on the phone, something that sounded like voices.

Raven came back sounding too chipper. “Octavia wants to know if you still have your combat boots or if she should order you another pair.”

He hung up. Emori was still passed out in bed. He didn’t want to wake her. He looked at the clock. It was 9:23 on a Saturday, so he left the room, still dressed in his gig clothes, which he realized he hadn’t taken off, in search of somewhere serving brunch. He’s pretty sure getting mimosa drunk at brunch was acceptable.

He stormed back into the hotel two hours later, and five mimosas tipsier.

Emori was sitting up in bed, repainting her nails, black on black, which he, drunkenly, thought must be a metaphor for something. She looked up at him expectantly.

He stared her down. “I am contractually obligated to do a reunion-thing. I don’t know how long it’ll last.”

Emori nodded. “Okay. When you are going?”

He sighed and slumped into the bed across from hers. “Friday. But I’d prefer never.”

She shrugged. “It’s almost the summer. You know I go every summer to teach some humility to those little rock camp shits. This summer wasn’t going to be any different.”

Murphy nodded. “I know, I just felt like we were finally getting somewhere, you know?”

She nodded again. She was very understanding when she wasn’t being destructive or angry. He liked that about her because he hated that about himself. “The City of Light could wait. Go finish out your contract, and if we’re still feeling it, we’ll keep going. And if not, we’ve had a good run.”

He wanted to hug her, but Emori hated hugs. “You’re the best guitarist I’ve ever worked with,” he said instead.

She laughed, and it was clearly at him. “Nonsense. You’ve worked with Bellamy Blake.”

And that right there was the problem.

He spent the rest of the week in a much nicer hotel that he bullied Jaha into paying for, and occupied his time looking through the lyrics he wrote for that last album that never happened and trying to get back into the headspace of Johnny.

It was harder than he expected. Johnny had been all about righteous anger. He was a violent character, vicious and hurting and eager to watch the world burn, and the music he had created had been the area of pop-rock that flirted with metal and punk. Murphy’s more recent work had been a solo album, that was embarrassingly depressed and almost entirely about heartbreak and acoustic, and his work with Emori, which was a neo-folk duo.

He didn’t want to be Johnny again. Johnny was an idiot, and Murphy liked to think he had learned something since then. He thought about seeing them all again, and it made his chest ache. Murphy probably hadn’t learned shit.

The week ended too quickly and then he was flying into JFK which was not his favorite, but at least wasn’t Newark, and wishing maybe a little more than he should that the plane would crash and his untimely death would cancel the contract for him.

“Who’s picking me up?” he texted Raven as he took the escalator down. It has taken forever to get off the plane and he was irritable and exhausted.

She texted back immediately, “why should i know im just the sound engineer,” followed second later by, “the blakes.”

Murphy looked up from his phone and saw Bellamy standing at the bottom of the escalator in his usual public disguise of a baseball hat and sunglasses.

“No,” he said, pushing past Bellamy and heading for the baggage carousel.

“John,” Bellamy said, and it almost sounded like he was pleading.

He managed to snag Murphy’s arm in his hand, but Murphy shrugged it off. “I’m taking a cab.”

Bellamy sighed. “We’re going to have to work together.”

Murphy sneered at him, but his heart was beating a mile a minute. “We’re not working right now, are we?” He turned around and stormed off to get his bag. Octavia was sitting on it, sipping something from a Starbucks cup.

“Do I at least get a hug?” she said, and he was so mad he wanted to say no, but he never had a problem with her.

She hugged him tightly, and she was still using the same shampoo that smelled like coconuts and he spent so much of his youth in the Blake’s basement so even the smell of her hair sort of felt like a home-coming, but then he remembered Bellamy and he wanted to cry.

“I saw your interview. About Skycrew. You guys sound good,” Murphy said, pulling away.

Octavia grinned at him, easily, like they hadn’t been out of touch for half a decade. “Thank you. We’re unfortunately on hold at the moment. Lincoln’s in rehab.”

Murphy managed a sympathetic smile. “Sorry to hear that.”

She shook her head. “No, it’s good. He’s getting help. Besides, I’ve been waiting for this reunion for ages.” She handed him another Starbucks cup that she must have had squirreled away somewhere. “I heard your new EP with Emori. It was really, really good Johnny.”

Murphy nearly choked on his hazelnut mocha (and was a little pleased to see that she had remembered his favorite drink). “No, no, no, no, no and no. Same rules apply as before, you use my stage name, I use yours, and I have no compunction calling you Babydoll in public.”

Octavia scowled. “Fine, Murphy. You win this round. Now, c’mon, if we hurry we’ll miss the worst part of rush hour.”

She grabbed his bag and started wheeling back in the direction of Bellamy, who he realized hadn’t followed them.

“Octavia, wait,” he said resolutely. “I should take a cab.” He was strong of body and mind, and his will could not be broken. Or something.

Octavia rolled her eyes, but the look was softened by the smile she offered him. “You should sit in the back with me and eat the cupcakes I got for you from Melissa’s.”

Murphy was the weakest of willed. “The mini cupcakes?”

Octavia laughed. “Come on!”

So he did. The car ride would have been awkward, in no small part because Bellamy kept shooting him these furtive looks in the rearview mirror, but Octavia was talkative and kept him from focusing too much on the back of Bellamy’s head.

“So what about Clarke?” Murphy asked, halfway to Manhattan.

“She and Lexa just finished a tour as Wanheda, so they were planning on a break anyway. She’ll be flying in tomorrow, and they asked if anyone would mind if Lexa hung around, and considering they’re the hottest couple of the season, we all said no problemo.” Octavia stole a cupcake from him, but he still had twenty left, so he chose not to complain.

Bellamy from the front said, “We would have asked you, too, but none of us had your number.”

Murphy very obviously turned to smile at Octavia. “It’ll be nice to see Clarke again in person. I caught Wanheda in Chicago, they’re very…” He tried to think a word that wouldn’t sound backhanded.

“They’re a lot,” Octavia said with a smile, and he smiled back. “Finn’s not coming back, but considering he didn’t do the last two albums with us, I’m not sure anyone will notice. Wells won’t be available for the tour, so he’s a no go. We’d love to get Mbege back, but he’s not responding to any of our calls since…”

Murphy nodded. “I’ll call him.” Mbege would come back for him. They’ve toured together twice since the split, and they were still as close as they’d ever been. He pulled out his phone and texted him, because calling was for losers.

Mbege texted back, “when and where?” so Murphy mentally patted himself on the back. He would be going into this experience with at least Mbege and Octavia on his side, maybe even Clarke. Things could have been a lot worse.

Things could not have been a lot worse.

“I’ll stay in a hotel,” he said to Octavia, because he was not making eye contact with Bellamy.

Octavia sighed. “We don’t know how long it’s going to take to record the album, there’s no need to throw away money on a hotel room when Bell has a perfectly good spare room.”

Murphy’s palms were getting sweaty. “What about your spare room?”

“Clarke and Lexa called it,” she said, and sounded so honestly apologetic that Murphy almost felt bad for how angry he was getting.

“I’ll get a really cheap hotel,” he bargained.

Bellamy spoke up for the first time during this exchange. “And you’ll have to also pay for transportation. I’m two blocks from the studio. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want, but you know the writing will go faster if we’re in the same place.”

Historically, Murphy wrote the lyrics, maybe half a melody, and Bellamy filled in the rest. Murphy didn’t give a fuck about history.

“Fine,” he spat, and he wasn’t yelling or swearing or punching anyone, so he figured he was doing okay. He dragged his bag into the spare room and slammed the door.

The bed was comfortable, and lying on it, he felt more out of place than he’d felt in years. He called Emori.

“How’re The Delinquents?” she asked without a greeting, because that’s who she was. He usually found it charming. Currently, he found it beyond irritating.

“I want to go home,” he said, because if she could speak in non-sequiturs, so could he.

“Give him a chance,” she said back.

He hung up and barely felt guilty. He spent so many nights of his youth in the guest room at Octavia and Bellamy’s house, desperate to get away from his mother and her shouting, and he had been so angry, Johnny had come naturally.

He was tired now. He was tired of the music and the attention and tired of acting and of Bellamy and of the person he felt himself becoming.

He fell asleep in his clothes and woke up to the sound of someone knocking quietly on his door. When he dragged himself out of bed there was no one there, but there was a tray with a cup of coffee and a real New York bagel.

It was nice, as far as peace offerings go, but nowhere near enough to make Murphy forgive him.

Bellamy was scarce all morning, and Octavia arrived at noon to take him to lunch. They got burgers and shakes and she sat across from him and waited for him to stop chewing.

“So do you know where this album is going?”

He chewed more slowly to give himself some time. While the band had always done edits, the actual meat of the stories had always been his. The first four albums were the evolution of Johnny, and everyone was waiting for the fifth, the last of the Johnny story, to end it somehow satisfactorily. He had been writing those songs right before the split. He had maybe half an album in notes. They were all concept albums, all a linked story. He wasn’t sure he hadn’t lost the concept.

“Maybe,” he said after a long pause, swallowing.

Octavia took a thoughtful sip of her milkshake. “The last album,” she reminded him, unnecessarily, like he hadn’t been listening to it non-stop, “ended with Johnny in his darkest place. Since the split happened so quickly after, a lot of the fans thought that it was sign. That Johnny died.”

Murphy nodded. He’d been skimming through forums for days. “I was thinking I could maybe go with that. Johnny in the afterlife. Johnny in heaven, Johnny in hell. Maybe being reborn.”

Octavia’s face turned thoughtful. “Huh. Not really dead, but changing into something different. I like it.”

“I don’t want to keep doing Johnny after this,” he blurted, and was embarrassed. He used to be so much more sarcastic, caustic, even. He missed that part of himself, maybe a little.

Octavia put her hand on his, which was more comforting than he wanted it to be. “I don’t want you to run away after this. There’s definitely room for you in Skycrew, or we could all start something new. Just don’t leave.”

Murphy absolutely was not crying in a Schnippers. “I can’t face Bellamy, O. I just can’t.”

“Think about it,” she said, and lead him out into Manhattan. She sent him away in an Uber; he couldn’t really blame her, plus he had work to do.

With Octavia’s support, the lyrics began to flow more readily. He sat on Bellamy’s inexcusably comfortable sofa and accessed his anger, which was easier than he would have liked. The comfortable couch only served as another reminder that Bellamy had built something successful—and comfortable—without him, while he had spent the past five years wallowing in his crappy one bedroom in fucking Wisconsin of all places.

By the time Octavia burst into Bellamy’s apartment with Clarke, Lexa, Raven and Jasper in tow, he had solid melodies and words for a few songs. Bellamy followed behind the group, looking around angrily, but Murphy ignored him, because he would much rather hug Clarke.

“Murphy!” she exclaimed, and gave him a very rewarding embrace. “So good to see you!”

“Clarke,” he said, because he was good at not being mushy. “I saw Wanheda in Chicago. You were great.”

Lexa smiled at him, and he shook her hand firmly once Clarke had released him. “We appreciate it, thank you.” Lexa was strikingly beautiful in a could-easily-kill-you kind of way, which tended to be the sort of women Clarke went for.

Raven slung an arm over his shoulder and gave him the most heartfelt side hug he’d ever experienced, which was nice, but unnecessary, because the two of them had kept in contact.

He and Jasper fist bumped. They had never been close—Jasper wasn’t even really part of the band—but they had hung out enough that a greeting was expected.

“Anyone want a beer?” Octavia called as she skipped into the kitchen, returning with an armful of bottles and corn chips, placing them all on the low table in the living room and ushering them onto the couch. She turned to Murphy and said, “I called Mbege, he can’t come tonight, but we have the studio tomorrow to start a rehearsal-slash-jam-sesh tomorrow assuming you write at the speed you usually do. That okay?”

Murphy nodded and threw his notebook to Bellamy, who was sitting in a separate chair as close to Murphy as he could get while not being on the same couch, and who promptly fumbled it.

“Nice one, Bell!” Jasper called, extended his bottle for a toast. Murphy reluctantly clinked with him.

“Shut your face, Jasper,” Bellamy replied, settling the notebook on his lap and flipping through it.

Bellamy had seen his writing since the age of seven, so the rush of anxiety that made his chest ache was completely uncalled for. Bellamy had read his first ever poem, which had gone, “I like my friends/I like the sun/I miss them both/When the day’s done,” and it didn’t get much worse than that. He sat still to keep from hyperventilating.

Bellamy scanned the lyrics and scraps of music he’d written around it and looked skeptical. “We’re doing Johnny as Jesus?”

Murphy’s face flushed hot with anger and embarrassment. “No, Johnny’s not that forgiving,” and turned away from him to face Clarke, who had her concern hidden badly under her curiosity and immediately engaged him in the backstory for the new album.

“I’m thinking more Dante than Jesus, yeah?” she asked him, and his breathing came more easily.

He’d always sort of loved Clarke. She was so unattainable in high school, popular and beautiful and honor roll smart, until one day she had walked up to him and said, “Bellamy said you’re starting a band, and I want to join, if that’s okay. My name’s Clarke Griffin,” and had shaken his hand so professionally. She was like a sister, but better because she didn’t have the baggage of growing up with him to affect her love for him.

“I like it,” Clarke declared after nearly an hour of intense plotting, and turned to Bellamy. “What would you change?”

“Oh,” Bellamy said. He looked like a deer in the headlights, like he thought he wouldn’t at some point have to weigh in on the situation. “I guess it’s pretty good.” He held up a page covered in Murphy’s scribbles. “How do you feel about this one in a minor key? Maybe acoustic?”

Octavia scoffed at him. “We don’t do acoustic.”

Clarke frowned. “Why not? Everyone’s expecting us to have grown as artists. They want the music to be familiar, but innovative. Bellamy’s not suggesting doing an acoustic album, just a song. I think it could be the kind of twist that people will like.”

Murphy nodded because words were too hard. He wanted nothing more than to leave. He looked up and met Bellamy’s eyes and it was like he’s twelve again, or fifteen, or eighteen, or twenty, because now he was almost twenty-five and the only thing that had changed was that his dream had gone from fantasy to impossibility.

He looked away. “I’m gonna turn in, if that’s okay.”

The others tried to stop him, and he could hear them, but he didn’t listen. He closed the door softly, resisting the urge to slide down it and cry like he wanted to. He lay in bed and looked at the ceiling. He missed it the night before, but there were stick-on stars, like there used to be in his guest room in the Blake house. He stared at the stars and felt homesick for a place that was never his home.

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but woke up several hours later when there was a tentative knock on his door. The clock by his bed said it was 4:30 am. It had to be Bellamy, it couldn’t be anyone else. Murphy wanted to scream.

Instead, he counted to ten. His therapist would have been so proud.

Bellamy was standing there when he opened the door, eyes cast downward. “Could we talk?”

“I wasn’t aware we had anything to talk about.” Murphy’s hands were clenched into fists. “So if that’s all—”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Bellamy said desperately. He’s backlit, barely, by a light in the kitchen, but Murphy could see the bags under his eyes, the deep sadness in his face that never used to be there. Serves him right, Murphy thought, and tried to feel vindictive but he couldn’t muster it. “You were my best friend and I didn’t…”

It’s the “were” that made Murphy regret agreeing to come. He should have tried to weasel his way out of the contract. He should have gotten a hotel room. He should have—

“I’ve regretted losing you every single day.”

“You ran! You left! I left you 80 voicemails, trying to fix this, trying to make sure you were okay and somehow, I’m the bad guy! You didn’t lose me, because you never had me, and as soon as I’ve completed my contract, I’m gone and you will never see me again.” Murphy hands were shaking and his chest felt tight and his face was burning and he was so angry he might start crying and he hated that.

“John.” Bellamy sounded choked up, hurt almost, and it hurt Murphy more than he thought it would.

“Get the fuck out of my room.” He looked at Bellamy, whose face echoed the exhaustion and pain he felt. He sighed, and offered, “please.”

Bellamy retreated slowly with a look that said he’d really rather stay. But that was okay. Murphy had gotten used to not getting what he wanted, Bellamy Blake could afford a taste, too.

The next day went better, thankfully. The label had rented out a studio around the clock for three weeks, like they were the Beatles or something. After their first couple of albums, Murphy thought they would have killed for studio time like this. Currently, three weeks felt like centuries.

Despite how much he would have given to avoid the situation altogether, he and Bellamy worked like they’d been practicing for the past five years instead of avoiding each other like the plague.

Performing together again would be like riding a bike, Murphy thought, showing up last despite the fact that he and Bellamy lived closest to the studio; it would hurt like hell when he fell, but he’d have to just keep trying, anyway.

Everyone was tuning when Bellamy called him over to the upright piano he had set on the left side of the studio. He threw his shoulder bag on the floor and didn’t bother greeting his bandmates; hardly a minute had gone by that he hadn’t seen them and so the need for greetings had quickly evaporated. He sat down next to Bellamy without being asked, and Bellamy tried not to smile at him.

Bellamy’s stupid half-smile made a full body tingle rush through him, and he was resentful of his stupid body’s stupid feelings.

“I still can’t read your chicken-scratch,” he said, and pointed to a corner of the page where Murphy wrote what might have been lyrics, but also could have been a chord progression. Or a phone number.

“Lyrics,” Murphy clarified. “The rhyme is off though, and I can’t seem to fix it.”

“Hmm,” Bellamy said, looking over the page thoughtfully. He always used to help Murphy; it’s nothing new, but it makes Murphy’s head ache. “What if we,” he started, and Murphy got caught up in the “we” for so long he didn’t realize how animated they’d gotten until Octavia started laughing.

The candid picture that Clarke took of the two of them sharing a piano bench, huddled round a notebook like they were still the best of friends, became the bane of Murphy’s existence. She uploaded it to twitter with caption, “guess what’s coming?”

Not an hour later, someone unearthed a picture of them doing the same thing years before, with Murphy perched on Bellamy’s lap, and put the pictures side by side. Murphy wasn’t sure if praying for death would actually be appropriate.

“It’s not so bad,” Octavia said, scrolling through her favorite Delinquents tumblrs during their lunch break. “Ooh, this fanart’s pretty accurate, even though I’m not sure either of you gets off on choking.” The long considering look she gave him made him regret all parts of their friendship. “Do you think you’d be more of a bottom or a top with my brother?”

He thought about Bellamy, his long, strong, fast as fuck fingers which earned him his stage name, Twitch.

That thought had brought up a whole slew of feelings that Murphy had actually thought he had buried, as a semi-adult well into his twenties should have. Bellamy’s dexterity had been most of his fantasy life during his teen years, considering he didn’t have a reliable internet connection and who needed porn when he had a best friend like Bellamy?

Despite being a plain fact of his youth—the sky was blue, the grass was green, the thought of Bellamy’s fingers gave him a woody—it was also something he hadn’t actively thought about. His first few post-Delinquents years had been spent getting drunken blowjobs behind various concert venues, and the past few had been spent sharing hotel rooms with Emori who gave him judge-y looks when he had hookups, but judged him more when he masturbated in their room, assuming, wrongly, that she was asleep.

So it wasn’t as though he never thought of Bellamy, or his long slim fingers, or the afternoons spent in his basement watching Futurama and eating cheetohs, and being so far gone on him that the his fingers were even sexy covered in cheetoh dust, but instead that he hadn’t gripped his dick and actively imagined Bellamy’s long quick fingers there instead.

He had been in a funk for the rest of day. Half a song had been written and recorded, but not nearly enough if they were planning to finish in three weeks.

And now he just felt guilty. He stared at the door separating him from Bellamy and Bellamy’s loud 11:30pm moping. It wasn’t like Bellamy would come in without knocking, or like Bellamy could possibly know what he was up to. Fuck it, he decided. Fuck you, he then clarified to himself.

Murphy threw himself onto the bed and unzipped his pants. He closed his eyes and he could almost imagine Bellamy leaning over him, unzipping his pants instead, staring at him longingly, which wasn’t really a hard expression to conjure. He’d wrap his palm around the head of Murphy’s cock and—

The teakettle whistled shrilly.

Murphy groaned in frustration, hand falling apathetically onto his stomach and dick still bobbing obliviously. This was a mistake. He sighed again. He couldn’t keep that image of Bellamy in his mind, anyway. Instead it was replaced with the look of sheer panic that Bellamy had worn right before the split, his elegant fingers clenched into tight white fists, and he felt nauseous. His cock softened obligingly, and with one last look at the door he decided he would just go to sleep.

The fact the he could hear Bellamy in the kitchen humming the first ballad they had ever written together didn’t help at all.

When TwitchxJohnny was trending the next day, Murphy was reluctantly glad that at least they were sticking to their stage names, and couldn’t help but think that in a karmic way, he had brought this on himself.

They meshed much the same way they always did. Clarke had only become a stronger guitarist, Bellamy one-upping her and tooling away on the piano if the song called for it, Octavia doing her thing on bass and Mbege kicking ass on the drums.

Murphy, as usual, felt a little like the Davy Jones of their group, casually waiting for someone to hand him a tambourine or maracas. Despite his feelings, he had grown as a writer, and it was obvious that the group felt the same, deferring to him instead of Bellamy, which was both incredibly reassuring and deeply saddening.

By the third day, they’re on to their fifth track. Murphy missed this, even when he and Emori had finally hit their stride, there was always something between them that made their rehearsal times seem to drag.

The Delinquents’ music was buoyant, vibrant and adrenaline fast, and Murphy missed the quiet swell of The City of Light a little bit more than he thought he would, but this music was like being on a rollercoaster and he’s surprised at how much he missed the thrill.

Mbege got it. He had ended up in several indie bands, but was clearly thriving banging away with The Delinquents. The fact that he spent all his spare time glaring at Bellamy didn’t hurt either. He took Murphy out and around the town after that first week, supposedly to re-introduce him to New York, but really so Murphy didn’t have to be in that tiny apartment with Bellamy.

Mbege was really too good for Murphy.

“I’m so sorry, J2, you know I’d let you crash if I had any room,” he told Murphy several times when they were drunk off their asses and Murphy’s anger had turned to sadness.

“Don’t worry about it, J1, you’re still my fave.” And it’s true. Mbege’s friendship mostly relied on Murphy spending time with him when he had it. They wouldn’t talk for months, and then when did, it was like nothing changed.

Getting to work with him again was in many ways the balm to living with Bellamy. They avoided each other at the apartment, worked in each other’s pockets at the studio, and then tried to spend the evenings as far apart as they geographically could while staying in the same city and apartment.

“Do you think you two will ever get over it?” Mbege asked him, dropping another beer in front of Murphy. No seemed like too simple an answer.

It got harder during the second week. Murphy’s voice was embarrassingly unused to the amount of screaming and abuse he used to regularly subject it to. He left the studio every day with his voice shot, coughing, and after almost a week of this, Bellamy burst into his room one night holding a cup of Murphy’s favorite chai blend with a large quantity of honey.

“Thank you,” Murphy whispered and waited for Bellamy to leave. He didn’t. “You could sit,” he said after a long moment, because he knew Bellamy would just hover awkwardly indefinitely if he didn’t offer.

“Thanks.” Bellamy sat at the edge of the bed and stared out Murphy’s window. “This is kinda like—”

“—Midnight snack sesh,” Murphy said, because he was thinking it, too.

Bellamy smiled wistfully and it made Murphy’s chest ache. He was seriously considering going to see a cardiologist. “Remember? Every night after recording, we’d go out for a snack.”

“We were so fucking young then.” It had mostly been fast food, eaten quickly in Bellamy’s third hand Ford before they passed out from sheer exhaustion. He can’t remember a single one of those nights individually, but the summation of them was like a warm weight in his chest, a burning orange glow. “Clarke thought we were going to get fat.” Murphy smiled reluctantly.

There was a moment when their eyes met, and Murphy was unsure how he ever gave this up. How he didn’t fight harder. How could he have not fought harder?

Bellamy broke eye contact first. “Worse things have happened,” he said as he stood. He hesitated at the door, back to Murphy. “Good night, Murphy.”

“Goodnight, Bell.”

He drank the rest of his tea by himself and set the cup down, like an adult should do, instead of smashing it, like he wanted to.

Bellamy came back the next night, and the next, and it was almost okay. They didn’t always speak, but there was something between them, closer to what Murphy remembered.

It was the second to last day when Bellamy called a band meeting in the middle of recording. They had seventeen tracks which was excellent because there were always a few that were better in their heads than in their ears. Octavia shot him a warning look and crossed her arms over her chest, so Murphy knew this was something that the Blakes have discussed at least.

Which could be either really good or terrifically bad.

“I don’t like the way we’re ending the album,” Bellamy said, and made sure he met all of their gazes.

Mbege rolled his eyes. “Jesus, Bell, and you wait until now to say anything?”

Clarke shook her head, determined, as always to be the most levelheaded. “Let’s hear him out.” She reached very subtly and squeezed Murphy’s hand, which he appreciated, because he hated this.

Bellamy took a deep breath and tried to gather his words.

“Any fucking day now?” Murphy muttered and tried to avoid Bellamy’s gaze at all costs.

“The last song is still too angry.”

Murphy scoffed. “Yeah. Johnny’s angry. Johnny’s always been angry. That’s sort of his defining characteristic.”

Bellamy scowled, turning his whole attention on Murphy. “Yeah, but we all agreed, years ago to a five album sequence. Do you think it should end on an angry note? You and Octavia keep talking about growing and changing, and the entire album feels like a growth until the end.”

Murphy wanted to bite back, wanted Bellamy to look away and never look back. “End on a familiar note, is there a problem with that?”

He could see Clarke making panicked eyes at Octavia, but neither one cut in. “Don’t you think Johnny deserves more than that? Don’t we all? It’s our story, too.” Bellamy had always been a master of mixed signals, but the anger and, Murphy thought, hope in his face was beyond confusing and Murphy couldn’t believe it actually took him this long to realize they’re having two different conversations.

“How would you end it?” he asked, and pretended like he didn’t sound hoarse.

Bellamy’s eyes were boring into him. “I don’t know. Contentment doesn’t suit him maybe, but, I dunno, I…”

Octavia spoke up, but didn’t look any happier. “Optimism.”

Clarke nodded slowly. “Might be nice.”

He was furious. He didn’t get to have optimism, so why should Johnny? He wanted to yell and scream and throw stuff, because Bellamy didn’t seem to have a problem throwing this back in his face. “Fine, I’ll see what I can fucking do,” Murphy said, because he was a professional, before storming off and bunkering down in a conference room.

He was a good writer, had become so with sweat and effort. An anthem, he thought, because if he couldn’t be angry he’d be emblematic. It still was angry, when he finished an hour later. It was angry and it was an anthem and it was hopeful, and he felt 1/3 of those things, but maybe he’d earned some hope.

He brought it back to the room, and tried to ignore how broadly Bellamy smiled when he saw the words.

And then the album was done. It felt like they had just started, but then he and Bellamy were ushered into a meeting with Marcus Kane, who Murphy only hated slightly less than Jaha.

Kane smiled and gestured for them to take the two seats in front of him. Maya stood off to one side, and Murphy had only met her once, but he liked her. She was way nicer than Jasper deserved, but he couldn’t help but feel that her presence at this meeting was a bad omen.

It might have been her very uncomfortable smile.

“Gentlemen!” Kane greeted exuberantly, and looked at them both expectantly.

Bellamy nodded a weak a hello and Murphy managed an, “Uh, hi,” by utilizing all of his personhood skills.

Kane was still smiling, but his smiles didn’t reach his eyes as a rule and Murphy wasn’t convinced he wasn’t a robot or a pod person. “I heard the album, and it’s great, just great. I wanted to talk to you both about the tour. We’re pushing the timeline a little, so the album’s going to be in stores in five weeks, and then the tour will start one week after that, which gives you six weeks to get prepared, figure out choreo and costumes and whatever else.” He gestured to Maya and she gave a tentative wave. “Maya will be on the tour to do hair and makeup.”

He turned his full attention on Murphy. “The dreads were very popular, would you consider—”

“Nooooo,” Murphy interrupted. “No, the days of white-boy dreads are long gone.” Bellamy laughed, and Murphy pointedly didn’t look at him and pretended like he wasn’t blushing.

Kane frown said he was going to insist, but Maya, who he had clearly underestimated, came to the rescue. “What if did pulled back twists? Like in the promo pictures for the second album?” she asked and he nodded quickly. Anything was better than the dreads.

Kane nodded, smiling tightly. “Alright, twists it is. Maya, could you give us a moment please.” Maya left quietly and Kane gave them the exceedingly tight smile again.

It could only be a bad sign.

“I know this is…uncomfortable to talk about, but part of the appeal of Johnny and the Delinquents has always been the chemistry between the two of you. I don’t know the details of what happened, and I don’t want to. I don’t care what happens in your personal life, but on the stage, I need you two to behave how you always have.”

Bellamy choked, then croaked out a weak, “yessir,” and Murphy contemplated shoving a paperweight down Kane’s throat.

“Yeah, fine,” he said finally. “What-the-fuck-ever.”

Kane nodded decisively. “Excellent. Glad we’re all clear on that. Now then, John.” Murphy bristled. “I need you to have a more active online presence. Soon as you can. Periscope would help, twitter, the works. We’ll also be getting you on some late night programs, so play nice.”

He promised he would try but he meant it about as much as Kane meant his whole, let-me-be-your-father routine.

As soon as the CD’s were pressed they released a single, and then Johnny and the Delinquents job was hyping the hell out of it.

Kane got him on a late night show starring a white man in a suit, which was better than Murphy was expecting. He didn’t think his name carried any sway anymore. He sat on the comfortable chair in his Johnny clothes and smirked at the host and the audience and all the folks who had tuned in to see him flash his canines.

“So I’m sure you get asked this all the time,” the host asked him. “But what happened? Five years ago, Johnny and the Delinquents were truly on top, and then suddenly, nothing. Nothing for five years. So what happened?”

Murphy thought about what he could say, what Kane would want him to say. He finally settled on, “I decided y’all could use a little anticipation, so I took a long drunken sabbatical.”

He laughed. “And based on your pre-sales, you were not wrong. Where It’s Going, out this week!”

After Kane explained how very disappointed he was in Murphy, they both agreed he should try and stick to social media. Periscope, he stressed again.

Periscope helped with nothing. He used it, though, streamed rehearsals and coffee breaks. He wandered through the chaos of set-up for their first concert with his phone out and ready.

“This is Raven,” he whispered, showing the internet Raven as she yelled at a stubborn microphone cable. “She’s the best.” He walked a little further, stumbling upon Jasper, Monty and Miller. “This is Jasper, I guess he does lights, I dunno, say hi Jasper.”

Jasper smiled into the phone and said, “Hi, Jasper,” because Jasper was the worst.

Murphy tilted the phone away from him. “This is Monty and Miller. Monty does something…and Miller sleeps with him? I’m unclear.”

He was already walking away but in the corner of his screen Monty yelled, exasperated, “Craft services! We fucking feed you!” and Murphy couldn’t help but laugh.

He harassed Maya as she braided Octavia’s hair, and they were laughing so hard Murphy was barely holding up the phone when Bellamy appeared, right in front of him and said, “Hey, could we talk?” like they haven’t been living in the same tiny apartment for months and now was the perfect time to speak.

The broadcast cut off so suddenly that twitter was filled with gossip. Clips of the last three seconds of that video were looped all over twitter and tumblr and vine and Murphy couldn’t escape from his own awkward fumbling on his iphone and the pained expression on Bellamy’s face.

“What?” Murphy asked, gripping his phone in his shaking hands.

Bellamy glanced from Maya to Octavia to Murphy and grimaced. “Privately?”

Octavia scowled at Bellamy, glaring. “We’re not listening, are we, Maya?”

Maya smiled serenely at Octavia. “We are not, Octavia.”

“So please,” Octavia continued savagely. “Feel free to speak openly here.”

Murphy thought he could be in love with her in that moment (if, in reality, he wasn’t so horribly gone on her brother). “Well?” he said, and Bellamy frowned.

“I just wanted to—I wanted to talk to you before we—look, can we do this in private? Please?” Bellamy’s jaw was clenched tight and Murphy almost felt bad but he also felt vicious and self-righteous and living in Johnny’s pocket had made his anger so much easier to access.

“This is private,” Octavia insisted, still glaring.

“Very private,” Maya agreed, sealing one of Octavia’s braids with a load of hairspray.

Bellamy’s face fell, realizing he was losing and preparing to wallow. Murphy sighed. “I don’t have anything else to say, Bell. I don’t.”

Bellamy nodded slowly and backed up, turning around and running off with his symbolic tail between his very nicely muscled legs.

Octavia cackled, and Maya chuckled along and Murphy felt like he was maybe drowning.

He didn’t want to talk to Bellamy. Not at all. He didn’t think there was anything that hadn’t been said, and the tentative truce that they had formed couldn’t hold under the weight of real friendship. He wasn’t ready for that again.

Besides, he figured, storming off into his dressing room. He had a show to prepare for, figurative pounds of eyeliner to apply to his face, and twenty minutes of vocal warm ups.

The next day, sitting in Kane’s office, he wished he had maybe tried to talk to Bellamy a little bit harder than not.

Kane’s Disappointed Dad face was out in full form, and Bellamy was staring fixedly at his knees. Murphy couldn’t take his eyes off the computer on Kane’s desk, where a video of their last concert was playing. He had been aware, at the time, that he didn’t want to look at or dance on Bellamy, but he hadn’t thought that it had shown.

Watching the video, the tension between them was palpable. They barely made eye contact, and Murphy had kept far away from Bellamy’s part of the stage. It was painful to watch, like two strangers instead of people who had been best friends.

Kane cleared his throat and waited for them to look at him. “This, as I am sure you know, is unacceptable. I don’t care how you two feel about each other, really, I don’t. You have a job to do.”

Bellamy sucked his teeth and Kane glared at him. “Maybe—just throwing out some ideas here—maybe fake gay undertones shouldn’t be part of our job?”

And why did that make Murphy’s heart ache? There was almost nothing between them now, but hearing Bellamy be so cavalier about his feelings, the ones he had had since middle school, made Murphy want to drink. Heavily.

Kane scowled and folded his hands neatly on the desk. He stared at Bellamy for a long time before turning to Murphy and studying him as well. “I don’t know what went down five years ago. I don’t care. I do know that your fans are showing up for you, in droves, to try and capture the magic you had before. And you’re disappointing them. Your fans want the childhood friends who decided to start a band together, not the jaded folk artist and playboy rock star. Get your shit together, get your act together, and for fuck’s sake, try and remember that your fans are paying good money and all you have to do is remember what you liked about each other.”

Murphy glanced at Bellamy, who was staring at him, and so their eyes met, and Murphy couldn’t look away.

“Good,” Kane said. “Glad we’re agreed.” He excused them together and they walked silently out of the room.

“We should probably talk,” Murphy suggested once they hit the hall. It was surprisingly deserted.

Bellamy looked at him in surprise before fishing his phone out of his pocket. “Later? I gotta meet O in Brooklyn in 20 minutes. Wish me luck?”

They were currently in the Upper East Side. Murphy grinned. “There’s not enough luck in the world.”

Bellamy’s face shifted into a confused smile and he started backing up towards the elevator, eyes fixed on Murphy. “Later, yeah?”

Murphy nodded. “Yeah.” Later, they would talk, and they would work some of this shit out.

Clarke found him first. “Listen,” she said to him, grabbing his upper arm and herding him into a break room. Murphy glanced around anxiously, but Clarke had always been good at sensing what rooms were empty. “We’ve tried to be supportive without being overbearing, we’ve kept our distance, and we haven’t asked any questions, but this is getting out of hand, John. What happened with you and Bellamy?”

She led him to chair and looked at him expectantly until he sat down. She kept standing, and moved off to make him a cup of tea.

It occurred to him that Octavia was probably grilling Bellamy in Brooklyn, probably with less tact and more public yelling and he had never been more grateful for Clarke’s friendship in his life. That could have been him. “We fought, I quit, end of story.”

She walked over to him with a mug full of tea and honey and stood in front of him in full disapproving glory. She handed him the cup and crossed her arms, every inch the intimidating front woman she had grown into in Wanheda. “I don’t know what I did to make you think I was an idiot, but I’d appreciate it if you at least came up with a better story.”

“Clarke,” he started, sighing, but she interrupted him.

“Murphy, five years ago my family was ripped apart and no one will tell me why. Do you think this was easy on me? On Octavia? Do you think we liked having no idea what was happening with you, if you were okay? With Bellamy moping and crying and drinking and sleeping his way through everyone who looked his way?” She wiped an angry tear out of her eye and glared. “I’ve been accommodating and I’ve been kind but I am exhausted and sad and I need to know if this is something that can be fixed or if I’ve lost my family for good.”

Murphy was embarrassed his find his eyes were teary, too. “Yeah,” he said. “Okay.” And he told her. “It was the after the last show we did for Goblins, the one in LA? Bellamy came up to me after the show.”

They had been sweaty, still covered in stage makeup and hours worth of musical grime, tired and delirious and bright and happy. Raven was packing up the van (or rather gleefully directing her underlings to) and Murphy was in the green room chugging plastic water bottles and trying to decide if he had it in him to go outside and greet the roadies or if he would just retreat to his hotel room and wait for morning.

Bellamy stuck his head in the door. When his eyes fell on Murphy he smiled lazily, and Murphy felt a flood of warmth like the stage lights hitting him all over again. “Hey, Murphy.”

He would have blushed if his face hadn’t already been red from exertion. “Hey, yourself.”

Bellamy had invited himself in, then, like he always did. They had been sharing a space for so long that they frequently forgot about personal space. He smiled, and then Murphy’s phone buzzed. He frowned instead. “Who is that?”

Murphy looked at his phone and then blushed even harder. “That guy. From the show in Philly?” Bellamy’s face still clearly asked for clarification so Murphy made with the clarifying. “We’ve been talking a lot. He’s in town. Wants to see me, I think.”

Bellamy was still frowning. “Are you going to see him?”

Murphy sighed, standing up and stretching. “I guess so.” He smiled at Bellamy, but it was a weak smile. “Can’t keep chasing my dreams forever.”

Bellamy scoffed and gesturing grandly around the green room. “That’s literally all we do.”

“Yeah but—” Murphy sighed again, tried to align his brain with his mouth. “It’s different now, isn’t it?” It was different. Wells was gone, Finn was leaving. Raven had gotten into MIT and Clarke was talking about college, plus Monty and Octavia were talking about settling down with their respective boyfriends, like they weren’t too young for that shit and Murphy—Murphy was chasing after Bellamy’s shadow, just like he had done his whole life.

When he looked up, Bellamy was close to him, so close to him Murphy could hear his breaths, could practically taste his sweat. “It doesn’t have to be different,” he said vehemently. “We can stay the same.”

Murphy shook his head. “I can’t stay the same. I need to stop chasing.” He smiled, melancholic. “Don’t I deserve some happiness, too?”

“Yeah.” Bellamy was so close he could feel the whisper of his words and then Bellamy was kissing him and Murphy was so caught up in the sensations he could barely process what was happening until Bellamy pulled away.

“Bell,” he said, and tried to close the distance between them, but Bellamy shoved him backwards and he hit the makeup table—not hard enough to hurt, but enough so that his things went flying.

“I’m sorry,” Bellamy said, and then he was out the door.

By the time Murphy was up and into the hall, Bellamy had disappeared into the throng.

When Murphy got to the hotel, Bellamy’s stuff was gone, and no one—not even Octavia, who would have absolutely lied for him but had no poker face whatsoever—knew where he was.

So he texted him. And he called him. Left message after message and email upon email and finally after five days he got a call from their manager politely demanding that they fix their shit, or Murphy, the volatile lead singer, was going to get the axe.

And Murphy was angry, the deep, hot, seething sort of anger that he had only felt before for his mother, that he channeled on the stage but never really let himself soak in anymore because he had been so depressed in middle school and high school and he had excised that anger through music and friendship and now he was adrift, and the figure that he had chased after for so many years was nowhere to be seen.

He thought, what would I have said in high school? And so, calmly, politely, he phoned up their manager and said, “fuck you, I quit.”

And then, he told Clarke, sitting in the recording studio, in the breakroom, “I drank for a week, and I thought about moving to Australia, and then I put out an album of me crying for seventy minutes. And now here we are.”

Clarke reached out and gripped his hand tightly in hers. “I love you, you know that?”

He was teary eyed again, and his voice was shaky with it. “Yeah, I do.”

Clarke nodded decisively. “And Bellamy is an idiot. But he loves you, too.”

“Clarke—“

She shook her head. “No. I know he fucked up and he hurt you, I get that. I do. But he loves you and he’s been trying.”

Murphy could feel himself getting angry but he swallowed it. His first thought was, fuck Bellamy. Fuck Bellamy and fuck the fact that he got to have Murphy’s family and Murphy’s job and Murphy’s life while Murphy had to settle with trying-hard-and-not-quite-making-it. “And I haven’t been.”

Clarke smiled at him. “You’ve been trying. A little. But he’s been trying a lot. Meet him half way?”

Murphy nodded, and stood up, figuring Clarke was done with him. She squeezed his hand and stood gingerly. “Good,” she said. “Now let’s go find Lexa, she has a proposition for you—before you have that interview to get to.”

He couldn’t remember anything about an interview but he hadn’t really been paying attention, had he? He hadn’t been trying. They found Lexa in the lobby, scaring off paparazzi with a glare. She smiled at them as they approached, which was much more friendly than he expected from her. She absolutely terrified him and he really liked that about her.

She laid out her proposition and Murphy immediately accepted, before being ushered into a company car by Clarke, presumably taking him to the aforementioned interview.

He texted Raven on the way. “Where exactly am I going?” he asked her.

“not ur calendar & am in fact doing important sound stuff,” she replied, followed almost immediately by, “casual fan interview, should mostly be a puff piece, but wat do i no im just the sound engineer.”

He got out of the car in a small cupcake café on the lower east side, which he wasn’t expecting, but considering Murphy remembered literally nothing about the interview, he supposed that wasn’t shocking. He walked in and looked around anxiously at the pastel covered café, glad he was in his civvies instead of his Johnny regalia.

“Mr. Murphy?” He turned and was face to face with a girl who was definitely younger than him, wearing a very professional outfit that did nothing to age her up. The French braids didn’t help, either. “Hi, I’m here to interview you! My name’s Charlotte. I’m a music blogger. I started SoundSiren?”

“Hi,” he replied, and reached out to shake her hand. It then occurred to him that he had heard of her blog before. “Oh! Hi, yeah I know you. Can I ask a stupid question before you start recording stuff?”

She laughed, a real sounding and very charming laugh. “Of course!”

“Why are we in a cupcake den?” He had been avoiding looking at the glass case because Murphy was weak and the cupcakes smelled like exactly what he deserved after the past few hellish days.

Charlotte grinned mischievously. “I heard they were your drug of choice.”

He smiled back but was instantly filled with guilt. He was pretty sure his drugs of choice were, in order of most destructive to least, Bellamy Blake, tequila, Bellamy’s twitter account, vodka, Bellamy’s old anonymous livejournal account, rum, and then cupcakes.

“You heard right,” he said, and let her lead him to a table, already covered in cupcakes.

“I wasn’t sure which kind you like,” she said apologetically, gesturing to the smorgasbord of cupcakes.

He laughed, and felt more prepared for this interview than he’d felt for anything in months. “Oh, you are definitely on my good side.”

She smiled and slid into her seat, Murphy following. She pulled out her phone. “Do you mind if I…?”

He hated having audio recordings of himself wandering through the internet, but despite himself he trusted her. Murphy nodded and bit into a red velvet cupcake. The girl had good taste.

“So,” she asked picking a caramel cupcake, “how does it feel to be back in New York?”

“Like a kick in the balls,” he said, and she laughed.

“Just like old times, then? Speaking of, how’s the band meshing after years apart?”

Murphy paused, chewing. She scribbled something onto her phone with a stylus. He hoped it said something like, “he chewed contemplatively,” instead of “he stared stupidly into the distance and messily devoured a cupcake.” He had seen her blog before and she could be ruthless when she wanted to.

“We’re coming together,” he said finally. “There were some road-bumps, but we’re family, you know? Even when we hate each other, we still love each other. And I think that comes across in the new album.”

Charlotte’s face turned a little guilty even as she said, innocently, “was last night’s concert one of those bumps in the road?”

Murphy choked on a piece of cupcake. “Yeah,” he wheezed and tried to remember how to swallow like an adult. “Definitely. But we’re working on it, and it’s only going to get better.”

“Good,” Charlotte said, and beamed. “I saw the show last night and it was…”

“A work in progress?” Murphy offered.

Charlotte laughed. “That’s a good word for it. Do you mind if I ask—what went wrong?”

Murphy paused and used the opportunity to cut into another cupcake. “I think there were some miscommunications. Some bad blood that we needed to excise.”

“Metaphorical or literally?”

He thought about how badly he had wanted to punch Bellamy’s face in the night before. “Metaphorical blood letting,” he clarified, “literal talking.”

Charlotte laughed again, and very kindly changed the subject. “So I asked my readers what they were most interested in me finding out, and surprise surprise, they want to know who is the inspiration for “Brainfreeze” and “Kill the Moment”?”

Murphy polished off the cupcake and moved onto a chocolate one covered in glitter. “Who says they’re about anyone? Let alone the same person?”

Charlotte pounced. “Well, general fan theory is that before your character, Johnny, died at the end of Goblins, he was developing feelings for someone. The imagery in “Brainfreeze” and “Kill the Moment” are very similar; wanting to stay in the moment that’s occurring right now, but wanting to see what happens next. All this rising to the high note of “Finger Guns,” before the album ends abruptly, presumably in Johnny’s death.” At his incredulous look, Charlotte blushed. “I’ve been a fan since I was in middle school,” she admitted.

Murphy laughed and wiped the chocolate off his mouth. She made another scribble on her screen. “There was someone in Johnny’s life—we intended to give him an accomplice. But his life didn’t turn out that way.”

“And your life?”

Murphy could feel the self-deprecating smile unfurl across his face. “My life didn’t turn out that way either.”

Charlotte gave him a very sympathetic look before visibly changing gears. “I was very excited to hear a studio version of “ ’07,” which has gotten consistent concert play, but has never been recorded until now. What made you decide to change that?”

Murphy sighed. He loved almost every song he had ever written—and he loved ’07. That said, if no one asked him about it for the rest of his life he would die happy. “People have been asking for you it, you know? I wrote it for our first album, We Who Are About to Die, but it was cut for space reasons, and so we could end on “Salute,” which clinched the reference, you know?”

Charlotte nodded avidly.

Encouraged, he continued, “So we’ve been trying to squeeze it onto somewhere, and Octavia—er, Babydoll suggested it be the bonus track, and we all agreed.”

Charlotte nodded. “Well, it sounds great! Definitely well worth the wait. And I believe you wrote it for your mother, correct?”

Murphy’s heart started pounding loudly in his ears. “No,” he heard himself say. “I wrote it about my mom, but I wrote for me. My mother was terrible—honestly if it wasn’t for Mrs. Blake I doubt I would have survived high school. When I turned seventeen, she disappeared and I haven’t heard from her since. So “’07” was for me to excise those feelings. She made my life hard enough when she was in it, she has no right to make it harder now that she’s out of it.”

She looked at him, impressed, or maybe even proud, and he reached for another cupcake because he’d earned it.

He got back to the apartment before Bellamy that night, and, exhausted, fell asleep before he heard Bellamy return. He figured, as he drifted, that they would talk in the morning, when Bellamy didn’t feel so angry from fighting with Octavia, and he didn’t feel so exhausted from spilling his guts out to small bloggers.

The article was up the next day, and Murphy was glad that Charlotte had made him seem engaging and funny and had left out that he had eaten a total of seven cupcakes.

Talking about his mother had, in some ways, put things into perspective for him. He was actively hating Bellamy because he had committed himself to it, even though it made him miserable. If happiness was his end goal, then he should try to make that happen, instead. Which probably meant reconnecting with Bellamy, even just to see if he could.

He walked out into the main apartment area, still skimming through the article, and looked up, when Bellamy made a soft, surprised sound.

“Good morning,” Murphy offered, before grabbing a piece of toast off of Bellamy’s plate and stuffing it into his mouth.

Bellamy gaped at him, open mouthed and floundering. “Um. Hi.” Even fishlike and baffled, Bellamy still managed to seem aloof and available and charming, and in the morning light as a new and improved Murphy, he realized he was just as head over heels as he’d ever been.

“You sleep well?” he asked, and tried to play it off like they had this kind of conversation on the daily, like two grown ass men.

“To be honest, I’m not sure I’m awake,” Bellamy said and then winced. “Sorry, that was—sorry.”

Murphy shrugged. He almost certainly deserved that. “You ready for tonight?”

Tonight was the real start of their tour, their biggest show ever and at Madison Square Garden (the Madison Square Garden, was this even the real life), before their stateside tour began.

“Honestly?” Bellamy asked, rolling his shoulders. “I feel like I’m about to vibrate out of my skin.”

“Yeah,” Murphy agreed. “It’s great, right?” Murphy held his gaze for a long moment, and his body hummed. He felt energized, centered and a little horny.

Bellamy swallowed hard and turned away, which was good, because it meant he missed how much Murphy stared at his throat. “What are your plans for the day?”

Murphy would give the amount that Bellamy’s voice didn’t waver an E for Effort. “Not a whole lot. You?”

“Nothing.”

Murphy tried to smile openly. He wasn’t really an open kind of guy, but he didn’t want Bellamy to think this was a trick. “Wanna order pad thai and watch Pulp Fiction?” which really shouldn’t have been a tradition but absolutely was.

Bellamy looked stunned, open and vulnerable, and the shitty vindictive part of Murphy wanted to laugh in his face, but the rest of him wanted to cuddle down on the couch with Bellamy Blake, thai food, John Travolta, and Samuel L. Jackson.

“Yeah,” Bellamy said. “Yeah, okay.”

Pulp Fiction had lead to Kill Bill which had lead, inexplicably, to Charlie’s Angels, and when they left, together, for MSG, Murphy more at peace than he had felt in years.

Because they were all big name stars now, they each had their own dressing room, not just a green room. Maya had emailed them all very specific schedules of when she expected them to be sitting in their rooms waiting for her, and Murphy was cutting it close as he spotted his name on the door. Or well, Johnny, but he’d take it.

He had just reached for the handle when Bellamy said, “Wait.”

Murphy turned around, conscious that every ticking second brought him closer to Maya’s subdued and quiet (but still probably dangerous) wrath.

Bellamy fidgeted, which made Murphy nervous too, before pulling something from his pocket. “I know, I—we—there isn’t really—here,” he said, and passed Murphy a tarnished silver nut on a chain. “I’m not sure if we do this anymore, but it was from before, so. Have a good concert. It’s from that night, but I—I should go,” he said, and ran.

Murphy squeezed it tightly in his hand and walked into his dressing room.

Bellamy had, at some point, created a tradition for them, whereby he stole a piece of the venue they did the last show of a tour in, and gave it to Murphy at the start of the subsequent tour. It was a silly tradition that resulted in stupid pieces of memorabilia like the dumb necklace in his hand.

He put it on over his head and sat down to wait for Maya. He looked in the mirror. He was stupidly in love with Bellamy Blake, but maybe, just maybe, Bellamy Blake was stupidly in love with him, too. He began applying the first of many layers of eyeliner and smiled.

Maya came by to do his hair and rolled her eyes at the way he couldn’t stop smiling. Raven came by afterwards and was even less amused.

“This is a microphone,” she said, holding the microphone in front of his face. “Microphones are for singing into, they are not for dropping, me entiendes?”

“Mhmmm,” he said dreamily.

Raven took a deep breath, and then whacked him with the mic.

“Hey!” Murphy yelled indignantly. “You’re the one hitting people with them!”

Raven nodded. “Right. Because they are my mics. And I know what they can take, like a light smack against the empty head of a dumbass. And I also know what they can’t take, which is being flung into the ceiling by the same empty headed dumbass.”

“It was funny though, right?” he asked, smirking.

Raven rolled her eyes but he knew he had won.

Tonight was going to be amazing.

And it sort of was. Unlike the night before, it had gone down without a hitch. Murphy had remembered how to properly stalk and run and throw himself around the stage including not one, not two, but four backflips (take that Brendan and Josh), and had engaged in some really questionable grinding on two microphone stands and also Bellamy, to the loud approval of the audience. He was surprised to find he felt like Johnny again.

They reached the first encore way too soon, in Murphy’s opinion.

He sneered into the mic while his bandmates tuned and hydrated. “What’s good?” he asked the crowd, and they screeched. “I’m Johnny,” he said, and paused for the cheers. “And these are my Delinquents. On my right,” he pointed to Octavia, “the beautiful Babydoll on the bass. Next to her, the incomparable Sandman on guitar,” he pointed at Clarke, who gave him and obliging sting on her guitar. “My pal Thanatos on the drums, and of course, Twitch, who doesn’t even need an instrument to play you.”

He blew Bellamy an exaggerated kiss and the crowd shrieked again. Bellamy rolled his eyes, but it felt so much more like their normal patter. Murphy grinned again. “Thank you, New York, you’ve been great!” he said, and then sauntered off stage. The others followed, and they huddled off stage while the audience chanted, “Johnny, Johnny,” over and over.

“Hey,” Murphy said to Bellamy, pulling him aside physically.

“What’s up?” Bellamy’s eyes were glued to the spot where Murphy’s hand was attached to his arm.

Their stage manager was already prepping them to go back out, but Murphy refused to be rushed.

“Hey,” Murphy said again, and then cupped Bellamy’s face and pulled him into a kiss. He could hear Clarke’s gasp and Octavia’s cackle and Mbege’s obnoxiously loud wolf whistle, but he ignored them. This was his moment. “I love you,” he said, and then ran back on stage.

The crowd roared again, and Murphy had never been in front of so many people in his entire life. “We got a surprise for you tonight,” he said, as Lexa marched on stage, looking like she could kill. “Lexa from Wanheda is here to play for you lucky delinquents, so make some fucking noise!”

The crowd did, as crowds are known to, and they began their first encore. Lexa was an incredible bassist, and Murphy was definitely going to tap her for their next group project.

Their first two encore songs went better than he expected, and as he desperately chugged water before their last two songs, he turned to see Bellamy actually smoldering at him.

He hadn’t wanted to play “’07” in public but Octavia had insisted. In part, he assumed, because it was one of only three songs where she got to sing back up. It was still one of his best, but also personal and way too relevant. It may have been written about his mother, but he could have written the same song about Bellamy.

He sang the entire song without checking on Bellamy again, which he counted as a personal achievement. “’07” ended in a false cheery tone that he loved and he waited for the cheers to die down.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Clarke motioning for the other’s to put their instruments away, and he was as, always, extremely grateful for Clarke. Lexa switched out her electric bass for an acoustic one and her eyes twinkled as theirs met.

“We got another surprise for you lucky criminals!” The crowd exploded with cheers.

Lexa began playing the melody on her bass, which was way more affective than he thought it would be and he gripped the mic and began to sing. “Wise men say, only fools rush in,” and the audience cheered its approval.

His hands were shaking, Jesus, more than they had ever shook in his life. He wanted to turn around and look at Bellamy but he didn’t let himself. Bellamy had to know, he was smart and he knew Murphy, and wasn’t that the problem, anyway? Murphy had let himself be hurt and he knew he was setting himself up for the same exact fall. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me a hundred times and shame on love.

“But I can’t help falling in love with you.”

Lexa nodded at him, and he managed to take a real breath before he kept singing. The final time through, as he sang, “Take my hand, take my whole life, too,” he tilted his microphone out to the audience, who obligingly sang along.

He felt the hands on his shoulder spinning him before he could register it. His hand was still outstretched, the mic aimed at the crowd when Bellamy swooped down and kissed him again and he dropped the mic and Raven was absolutely going to murder him, but he could hardly care because Bellamy Blake was playing tonsil hockey with him in front of the biggest crowd they’d ever played for and he was pretty sure he wasn’t dreaming.

The crowd was deafening or Murphy’s heart was just pounding so loudly in his ears that when Bellamy pulled away, his equilibrium had gone to shit—and it had to be the noise because there was no way he just got weak in the knees.

“Don’t run away this time,” Murphy said against his mouth.

“Never again,” Bellamy said, and Murphy reluctantly detached himself.

Lexa had just finished playing and was smiling at him smugly, which both meant that Murphy had impeccable timing and that he and Bellamy had made out for possibly an embarrassingly long time.

“Good fucking night New York,” he hollered, and ran offstage, dragging Bellamy behind him.

“We should talk,” Murphy started, but Bellamy interrupted him.

“I love you,” he said. “I love you and I’m in love with you and I’ve spent the past five years hating myself for chasing you away.”

“Oh,” Murphy replied, and prided himself on his sharp wit. “Well in the case—” and let Bellamy pull him into a kiss again.

Behind him, he could hear Octavia say, probably to Clarke, “I’m beginning to think we made a huge mistake.

“I don’t know,” Lexa replied, managing to sound introspective and domineering all at once. “I think they’re cute.”

Epilogue

“So,” Charlotte asked, and smiled charmingly at the webcam. “What can you tell us about your new project?” Her set-up had improved in the last year, and instead of a cell phone and some cupcakes, she had a full a video portion of her website and a studio to match, although her hair was still in two little braids.

“Well,” Murphy said. “It’s massive. It’s a coalition between Skycrew, Wanheda, City of Light, The Delinquents and Lexa’s old band, Tree People. It’s me, the Blakes, Lexa and Clarke and their old bandmates Anya and Gustus. We have Mbege—Emori and Finn are going to be on selected tracks—and we have Lincoln, who is finally fighting fit and the kind of badass a band of this size really needs. We strings and a trumpet, more drummers than I personally know what to do with and so many guitarists that I literally can’t make a g-string joke without risk to my life. Oh—and we’re calling ourselves Polis.”

Charlotte’s excitement was very poorly hidden, but he liked that. It was nice that she had asked to interview him first, nice that he could finally do a press interview in his civvies. “I can’t wait to hear your new stuff! When does the album drop?”

Murphy grinned back. “It’s called Power to the People, and it’ll be out mid-march. But actually, we wanted to surprise you and your viewers with our first single.”

Charlotte’s disbelief was so genuine he almost laughed. It was replaced by excitement almost instantly. “I—thank you—this is such an I honor—I—”

“It’s called “Arcadia,” why don’t we take a listen?” he said, and nodded to Bellamy off camera, who had taken over her sound equipment, and let it play.

Afterwards Charlotte whispered to him, “I’m going to cut the part where I’m all googly-eyed and cry in the middle of your new single okay?” and Murphy nodded, because he was nothing if not accommodating.

She gathered herself and looked him in the eye. “Mr. Murphy, I know I shouldn’t, but I have to ask. How are things with you and Mr. Blake?”

He glanced at Bellamy off screen, who was smiling a reluctant, dopey smile, the way he always did when Murphy did interviews. “Things,” he said, still looking directly at Bellamy and feeling possibly contentment. “Things have never been better.”

#long post #murphamy #murphamy fanfic #the 100 fic #murphamy fic #implied clexa #jesus i'm so sorry #gabriel writes fic

[survivoratomic-acadia]

Confessionals!

Hi it is Olivia! So I don't have the gifs of this season or the player banners so this will be separated by day since I was just an intern and didn’t keep track of confessionals or what day it was when they were posted. Its just all of the confessionals for this season on one post. Sorry for the delay!

5/22

Tim

WHY ARENT I ON THE PRETTY TRIBE! I love Aren already he seems super fun and chill! Certain people... however make me wonder why they are all stars.. jk lmao Im here to have fun and do great!

Aren

Spoiler alert, the f3 is trixie/madison/aren!!!

QuilLynn

So its me, QuilLynn, Two-time winner, next first boot of atomic! I'm happy to be with Dana, but idk about the rest of tribe. I don't really click with anyone, so i'll probably just try to let dana have the social game and i'll just like cling to her coat tails until merge or a swap. I'm trying to be my catty self and form a pretty girls alliance with Dana and Sarah since we are all Iconic woman winners, but I know Sarah will be more loyal to dan, or I think it at least. I'll fill you in more later, gotta go mingle! <3 xoxo gossip ho

Stephen

Its what, one hour into the game and I already love sarah. i knew this season was going to be crazy, it is after all all-stars. So that means no inactives to vote out round one. Eek. So I’ve got to work fast to make those social connections and try and get myself a place in whatever majority forms if we lose immunity. Which we wont. I love creative writing, if we lose this because of my writing I might as well give up writing altogether.

Aundra

"THIS IS BRAZY!! Going into this im ""like Jesus do i want any IOS people in?"" ""theres going to be at least one, right?"" SIKE! THERES 3!! i cant deal im super excited that tim and heather are in the same game as me because they're great people Stephens also here which is awkward a little but i dont really feel like theres any bad blood between us, we've basically made up since IOS . ALSO IM ON A TRIBE BUILT MOSTLY FROM WINNERS. I really wanted to have some winners on my tribe that way i could have hopefully a built in alliance but all winners except one is on my tribe thats so much pressure. And unlike most games ive had a small convo with just about everyone on my tribe/ know them or i like them. this game is definitely going to be different experience and hopefully it will be a long and fulfilling im really looking forward to this season.

my game plan for right now is to get on the good side of all the people that haven't won a game yet and get the other winners out. target #1 QuilLynn SHE HAS WON TWICE. did they let sandra make it to merge?? NO do i want to go far with her in this game? NO is she probably a great person? MAYBE but i dont want to take chances and im gonna be pretty limited at the begging of this game so hopefully the will let me survive long enough to establish myself apart of this game.  

Hopefully this game is worth it and is as fun is it was last time even if like time i was sent into a depressive mode thanks pressure last time i think i can take it this time! lmao                                                                                                 xoxo, gossip girl "

5/23

Madison

TOO MANY PEOPLE I KNOW. TOO MANY PEOPLE THAT HATE ME. I’M GONNA DIE SO FAST. 

Dan

"So I like a lot of my tribemates which is cool because if I didn’t I would have quit night one and thrown all the rice in the fire. There’s a ton of Lago representation, which I’m not surprised about, but am v concerned about. It’s like when you were in like 7th grade and you had those friends you talked to every day and then summer came and y’all didnt talk for a while and you come back for 8th grade and things are chill and you catch up, but they still know you’re better than them in every way.

This first challenge is....a choice. I love Cameron with all of my heart normally, but this makes me only love him with my right atrium, so there’s that. I havent taken an English class since 12th grade so y’all know I’m basiclally illiterate now.

I’m just hoping for a cute little jury placement and play a more UTR Sammy-esque game this time around. I know that eventually the wheels will fall off of that plan and I’ll go into full on neurotic, here, queer, and not going anywheer mode where I win like 6 consecutive immunities, but for the mean time I’m goung to try to be diverse, and show I’m not a one trick homosexual. "

Sarah

"Hey so let me just tell yall im stoked for this season bc im back for ALL STARS!

First season winner and flop returning again.

I adore this cast and the fact that I have been put on a tribe with all the winners (except  luke) is amazing. we created a girl winner alliance right away with me, dana and quillynn. I adore them so much!

Also im connecting with stephen and i think he likes me! I will prob be able to control him a tiny bit this season so lets see how that goes :~)

I just want to let yall know there will rocks this season bc me and julia are back! Were not on the same tribe but i adore that bitch and shes just as equal craziness as me

So far i have connections af and i havent burned any bridges with the ppl in this game so im literally in love

Jay will probably want to get me out asap but fuck u im on my own tribe OK

Anyways just like s1 i have an alliance made almost immediately and i have connections!

Also i did the whole immunity so incase we lose they will feel guilty of voting me out WHHAAHAHAHHA

Anyways ill be back later with more news"

Aundra

"A tribe full of mostly winners.. in a way sounds ideal. It’s not the only person that’s attempt the first challenge is Sarah and Sammy helped out i wrote half of one which is better than I bet majority of team has done I highly doubt we’re going to win the challenge becaus Sarah’s story is not all that great it lacks anything it’s just boring but aleast she tried she put forth some effort toward the challenge and I honestly don’t want to go to a tribal that would be the worst also did I forget to mention that the idol system for this season is the exact same way as IOS which I suched and was probably the worst person in the moors of all time cannot l t me just make merge so I can have and isle of skye reunion with my main man tim cause I really need someone that would be my ride or die and I wouldn’t have to worry about betraying me

Also I QuilLynn is a really cool person it would be hard to vote them out ( I think that’s there pronoun caus ewhen we were talking she started using we and what not so I’m gonna call her they/them for now on) and Duncan obviously did some sorta research on the cast cause he came at me with basically my whole tumblr survivor history. I gotta watch him closely                                 Xoxo, gossip girl "

Tim

"Everyone: oh this challenge is so cute its gonna be great

Me internally: It's ok but I thought I'd see it at swap or something its not my favvvorite

Also them: Doesn't write anything for the challenge but some gives ideas

Me: Guess I'll just... write."

Well I just wrote my story for the tribe and trixie drew some bomb ass pictures! It really brought the story to life a bit and I appreciate the partnership effort!

Stephen

"Duncan: Don’t backstab me okay? Me sharpening my knives: Unfortunate Like I love the guy but anyone who asks for an alliance day one can easily become a target or an asset. If we end up losing this challenge I will either throw him under the bus of us or us him to get numbers. Also about this challenge, I feel really bad for not having more input, especially after I bragged about my writing. But tbh this prompt is very specific, and doesn’t really mesh with my style of writing. And by the time I had caught up with messages and read what Sarah had written it was 11:30. Sorry guys."

Duncan

https://youtu.be/5PLE0dQ1mIk

Aundra

"this is going to sound completely under believable but it’s all true and happened day while I was in the the Acadia Mountains on a afternoon hike. So I was walking having a very nice time enjoying a new trail I’d never taken before. It was longer than most and seemed to never end, I almost thought I was going around in circles. When I was finally about to give up my gps went off saying I was near a geocache! So like any normal person I went to go it. When i found the capsule it began to glow. Strongly and brightly it started to shine. I’d never seen a geocache this big so I decided I was going to take it the I noticed something weird on it it had names next to dates on it. QuilLynn- 1902 Samuel- 1913 Dana- 1940 Sammy- 1953 Dan- 1969 Sarah- 1982 Stephen- 1986 Heather- 2000 Duncan- 2012 Aundra- 2018

I had no idea what this list meant or who these people were, I’d so find out. I started my way back to my car but never made it back that day. Once I began to try and leave the geocache started heating up. It became so I dropped it. I would’ve ran off then and there but I started hearing a voice. “Give me what I want and I’ll give you what you want!” Said the dark and gargled voice. “What do you want?” I said quickly to scared to think of anything else to say. “Your soul!” Whisper little voices so close to my ear I could feel there lips nibbling on my earlobes. I got chills and started panicking breathing heavy. Fast. Hard. Deeply. I thought I was gonna pass out but surprisingly stayed awake. “What do o get in return?” I asked the voice. “Happiness” it shot back quickly. “Ok, have it.”

That’s the half of the story I wrote defiantly better than Sarah’s but it’s whatever hopefully her story can pull through with a W                                  Xoxo, gossip girl "

Dan

"Our story is........... garbage honestly.

What happened to Heather’s amazing 7 deadly sins story line??? We got a stale piece of white bread with no plot or anything with just food jokes??? Sarah did her best yes, but when your best is subpar it’s kinda hard to like win a challenge ya know? "

Heather

Wow first confessional after immunity, we stan a mess. So before anyone can get situated we get our challenge thrown at us and of course it is something I am actually terrible at: WRITING. Hun I cant write for shit. But I came up with a great idea that I thought would really sell the judges being the 7 deadly sins. However there are 10 people so 3 would be the ones who find the geocache and use the items in it to fend off the other 7 who are possessed by the sins. Everyone was like super excited for it, but Sarah didn't use it in the writing, which is upsetting since I really wanted to be sloth and be fended off with like Nyquil or something, but aye that's how shit is. Now I guess its time to get these bitches on my side and find out who to get rid of.

5/24

Duncan

so we lost. Obviously i'm not thrilled about it but I'm not filled with rage or anything like that. If i go home first I'll be a little surprised but I don't think thats going to happen. What I'm kind of hoping to form is a foursome of me dan heather and sammy. I think that would be a very strong group at least for now. As for the longevity of the group? I don't know. I just know I told dan and sammy individually that i want to work with them and heather is someone who dan trusts. Sammy and Dan played lago together so hopefully they'll be on good terms. This way Dan can kind of be seen as the leader of the group and if anyone tries to take a shot at the grouping later down the road it will be his head on the line and not mine. As for who goes home at tribal? I don't think people will vote for Quil or Dana as not to stir the pot. We can't vote out Sarah. It would be mcfucked if we did that to her. So that leaves Stephen, Aundra and Samuel. Obviously I would like to keep Stephen around because he can be an asset to me moving forward. As for Aundra and Samuel?  think Aundra is a little enigmatic but i like him. I also like Samuel, he was the last person to add me but we've been talking the most out of all people that are brand new to me. Speaking of being brand new. I kind of want to talk to Heather and Aundra and be like "THIS IS ALL STARS!! WHY Y'ALL ACTING BRAND NEW!?!" because I've talked to them like the bare minimum. Do you know the untucked where that quote was from? God i love untucked. Where was I? Oh yeah. Hopefully they don't send my ass packing first. I haven't thrown out any names, hopefully someone can throw out a name by noon tomorrow. I'll report back later if i have time. xoxo gossip gorl. also woo mitch! im going to try and win this for us since we were robbed in alcatraz <3

Luke

"Hi hello we won immunity and that’s pretty iconic! I like a majority of my tribe but I’m SCARED of if we have to go to tribal because I think I will DIE!

Opinions on my tribe:

Aren: he’s iconic! He’s british and we hit it off right away, I think he’s going to make a great ally for me!

Carson: I love Carson so much ahhhh, I’m excited to see him in this game because we always work really well together. He’s definitely a number for me.

Chris: last time I played with Chris was in Great Lakes when he had a premade to help him get to the end so I can’t wait to get my revenge lol (:

Julia: I love Julia but she always makes it difficult to work with her because she always explodes on somebody and people want her out because of it. I hope she stays a little calm this game because I could use her.

Madison: uggghhhh. I like Madison, I do. She just got me out in BBFurby and I am a LITTLE bitter about but she says she wants to work with me. I believe her like...70% because I think that she’ll take the opportunity to take me out when she can. So I need to get her first.

Ruthie: My Dead Sea queen!! We worked so well together in Dead Sea and she was vital in my plans to win and it worked out for me. I hope she wants to work with me again!

Tim: Tim is one of two people I didn’t know coming into my tribe but he’s super sweet! Our conversations have been nice so far!

Trixie: ugh stupid furby BITCH! i hate this SKANK i want her to CHOKE she will be first boot and we made it no secret in PMs we hate each other >:( HEHE JK i love this bitch can’t wait to work with her again "

Trixie

"Trixie's Alcatraz Confessional Strike Receipt #1

[2018-01-25, 9:51:48 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Pls trixie [2018-01-25, 9:51:51 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): ur gonna get another strike [2018-01-25, 9:52:02 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): why… why are u like this "

Dana

"There are NOT enough horses on this Island Cameron!!!!

Ok but fr me, Sarah, and my mother Quail have a Pretty Girls Only Alliance. This is a strategy Quil and I have used before, where we rope in a third girl and work with her, but Sarah is smart af so idk if she'll just like work with us and not ask questions.

Then we all made a winners alliance, which I love. But the only problem is I have a cersh on Sammy... so we can't vote him out NEVER EVER. "

Jay

I haven't really done much but i want to make the weed alliance aka me chris and Julia

Heather

Ok so when I saw Stephen here I was like " Hey maybe we can make amends and work together this season" Then all of a sudden people are targeting him. Also Aundra is on my tribe which if anyone doesn't know I adore Aundra well I do. But he is having wifi problems which sucks. I also heard Samuel's name which I would much rather like to roll with. Ughh too many icons tho why u do this. Right now I seem to be working a lot with Dan and Sammy a bit ( Wow Lago thanks a lot) even though Dan idoled me out but he d=cant do that this game cause of NO FUCKING IDOLS. Speaking of advantages I got me a heavy rock. The heavy rocks power is that I can throw it at someone at tribal and cause them not to vote. I laughed so hard when I got it cause who doesn't want to throw a rock at someone. I am really loving this violent all star season. I hope next time I hunt I get a heavier rock where I can throw it at someone to get them out of the game. hehe

Sam

Wig going okay so far!!

Ruthie

I'm SO glad that I'm on a tribe with so many creative people, i'm super busy until tomorrow and i'm just READY for summer vacation so I'm glad I'm not flailing about to save myself.  I've connected a bit with Aren after not talking to him in like two years so that's nice!

Tim

Their story was cute! But you know gorgeous (our story) next to cute. Gorgeous is just gonna devour cute. [Plz tell me yall get this reference lol]"

Our efforts actually won us the comp.. I feel so inspired to write now.

This is the season that I came to play hard and win. These comps bettee get ready because Im giving it my all and not giving up.

Ali

just popping in to say cam & olivia are the DREAM TEAM and I lav them both :)

Sammy

okay so woo i have a lot to talk about kinda...so i usually make an intro saying how i feel about everyone but umm let’s skip that. The cast is super cool but I have to be super careful because I’m playing with the best of the best? Anyways I wasn’t around to help with the story that much but I did go through and edit stuff I saw...so I did something! There were three names going around today and they were Samuel, Aundra, and Stephen. Now Stephen probably thinks that like it was me that is trying to go for him but his name was brought to me? I know we kinda said we wouldn’t target each other this round buttt he usually lies to me so why not. He took me out of the last couple games we were in together and I feel like he has something against me? Idk. So yeah...and last night i did the trails thing and I freaking got caught by a park ranger for touching a rock. I’m so dumb. The whole tribe knows I was searching:/ rip. Anyway I’m trying to get the numbers on my side and Duncan wants an alliance with me him dan and Heather. But also I might be getting myself into a little group with Dana and quill and hopefully sarah? Idk but woo.

Aundra

"So look im not that smart and all im looking for is the Ali to my Jay and right now, seems like thats not possible. So we lost immunity like i said we were going to because it was obvious any who QuilLynn decides to make a winners alliance which im definitely not going to say no to that because thats safety and numbers for a little while BUT im stupid and may have just leaked the whole thing to Duncan who i thought was a winner and isn't. ik he pays very close attention to things (or at least i think so) and this could really bad on my part and to my game hopefully it wont and all is good

QuilLynn is like a really cool person but im on to them i just have to wait till the perfect moment to strike or to get voted off lmfao but im watching them. Stephen is unfortunately the vote tonight which really suck because i wanted to kinda work on our relationship from the last game that we played in. He doesn't really deserve this but it has to happen to everyone . im also thinking of becoming very close to QuilLynn they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer for a reason                                                                                  xoxo, gossip girl"

Carson

"Wow I like most of my tribe?? Everyone is really funny and I actually don’t want to quit on day 2. Who would have thot.

Being on a tribe with Chris stoner AGAIN is terrible, but Luke is also here and that makes up for it. I cannot wait to vote him out for playing me in Alcatraz! "

Stephen

So I have heard absolutely nothing about the vote, then I ask Aundra. So then he messages me saying he’s voting Samuel, but before I can respond he deletes the message. Then claims it was a link he sent to the wrong person. Wow, glad to see he’s gotten less messy since Isle of Skye, but he did win that one so I should never underestimate him. I wouldn’t be surprised if I went home tonigh with all this radio silence, so I’m voting Samuel on the off chance I can survive.

Julia

So like these hoes so boring. I rly h8 Chris stoner, and I’ve been so high idk what’s really been happening I’m floating rly bad rn but idrc

Chris Stoner

"So I’ve been in Denver! Not good timing but it’s all good cause we won the first comp and now I’m home to socialize and compete.

Instantly me and jay clicked. Jays a cool dude. I don’t expect jay to take me far but I do think he knows I will work him.

I’ve also talked a bit with Tim and Aren. Both are cool dudes. I played with Luke and Julia before, both whom were against me. So should be fun to see how all these relationships play a role. Hopefully it’s not too bad. "

5/25

Heather

SO Immunity just ended and I am a little bit nervous about it. I definitely did the most for my tribe so hopefully I can pull out a win. We had some people like NOT EVEN PARTICIPATE. Like we in allstars bitches we gotta not flop ughh. I feel bad for voting out Stephen last round because I wanted to talk to him about flipping the vote, but he didn't get on until I was in a concert. Samuel I don't think participated so I can prob get votes on him. IF WE NEED TO WHICH I FEEL LIKE WE WILL. (Im Cam messaging to confess while I am in the midst of it I love you hehe) I hope this didn't put a target on my back, or do it. welp time to go hunting for shit

Tim

Um this challenge is so rushed and Aren and Julia are dead!!!

Madison, who is arguably one of the most beneficial members of the tribe so far, sat out and Im not sute if were gonna win!

Heather

I swear I am about to rip out my hair. I got the most points in the whole hunt and WE STILL LOST. I GOT FOR OVER HALF MY TRIBES POINT. I AM PISSED AND AM ABOUT TO STRANGLE A BITCH BUT THIS BITCH GOTTA BE SWEET.

5/26

Aundra

"So QuilLynn is my new favorite person i mean they kinda already were but like now it official because the feeling are both ways and i could be happier on other news we lost immunity again and im pretty surprised at how close it came down to right now it votes are between Sarah and Samuel. Sarah's apart of the winners alliance so i doubt they'll want to vote her out which i kinda do because im looking at the bigger picture. winners are very intimidating to me and the more there are in the game the scarier im going to be. this round shouldn't result in me going home if the odds are in my favor. ( also if you couldnt understand my wonderfull story sorry that it had alot of typos)                                                                                     xoxo, gossip girl      P.s. I know that its going to be revealed pretty obvious who gossip girl is when these get posted but it so fun to sign off everything with it so your gonna have to live with it.  "

Chris Stoner

Nothing much.  We keep winning which is nice. Gives me some time to find an alliance. I still feel pretty isolated because of my schedule. It’s hard to talk to ppl. I’m sure I’m the easy boot. So maybe a swap will come soon 

Dan

So I feel like I’m personally in a good spot even though we keep losing. I’m on good terms with basically everyone left. Duncan offered me an out of the winners alliance that won’t effect any of my relationships with them. I guess Aundra accidentally leaked the winners alliance to Duncan thinking he was a winner, but Duncan and I talked things out and all is good. I was aligned with him before them and I explained it was a one week kinda thing for me personally to make sure a winner didn’t go home first. So now we have a target of Aundra bc he done goofed haha. Byeeee

Luke

Hi nothing is happening because we won immunity woo! i have some seaglass which is cute so i look forward to using that WOO! Aren made himself a target by not submitting which makes me sad but Julia is basically inactive so I lowkey hope we vote her out first looool 

Sammy

ahh okay so I’m super tired and like I’m flying to California and I have been up for over 24 hours...ANYWAY I did what I could in the scavenger hunt and I think some people didn’t really try. I’m just in so many games but like the problem is I forget I apply for them and I’m like uh oh. I think aundra is going home tonight but at the same time it could be me because I haven’t talked to anyone. I’m trying to find a good balance between the way I played in Alcatraz and the way i played in Lago and hopefully make it far!! 

Ruthie

So I’m really sad that a few people didn’t participate in the selfie hunt but I am happy that so many people did and even more happy that we’re safe another week! I suspect that we’re going to swap tribes soon though which is kind of frightening!! 

Quil

So this is a MESS. Aundra “accidnetally” leaked the winners chat to Duncan. Now I LOVE Aundra but this has made him the target. I’ve been trying my best to help with damage control but people still want to vote him!!! I’m trying to push to get Duncan out because I like just don’t trust him, idk UGH. 

Duncan

its round two and im going home because i worked all day and wasn't able to contribute to the challenge at all rip. I trust that Sammy, Samuel, and Dan wouldn't vote me out but if Aundra teams up with the girls and gets them to vote for me I'm donezo. Aundra leaked the winners chat thing and has basically ghosted me all day and I appreciated their story the first round but if they want me out he can go. Dan told me that Quil and Dana were going back and forth about voting out me or Aundra and if I am safe tonight?? Thank god for Dan. That man can do magic. I just want to spend some more time on the island but i don't know if I'm gonna last in these conditions tbh. The game has only just started and to go home now in round two would be like going to orlando but not going to disney world. Like I want to ride space  mountain so badly, i dont want to go.

5/27

Duncan

Okay so a lot of shit happened. Firstly Samuel got med evacd from the game this canceling tribal council. Like that’s crazy, I really liked him and wanted to work with him but his dog passed so he might be in a funk and I just hope he’s not depressed and he’s doing okay at this point. Now at the same time this could’ve been a blessing or a curse. If everyone was lying to me and I was going out the door then this was a blessing and I’ve been given a second life. As for if aundra was leaving? Then this is a curse. But who can never be sure besides the hosts I suppose. Then we get told to drop our buffs. Drop these buffs honey? I’ll drop more than just this buff honey! Ohhhhh hooooooonnnneeeeeyyyyyy! So yeah! I’ll talk more about my new tribe later 

5/28

Tim

Im really vibing with everyone on my tribe all of them are really neat. The person I've bonded least with is Dana unfortunately.

Carson

HALF OF MY FUCKING TRIBE DIDNT SUBMIT... THE CLOWNS HAVE JUMPED OUT. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I SPENT THE TIME I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON THESE PEOPLE. I JUST WANT TO MERGE SO I CAN PLAY WITH LUKE AND WE CAN COWIN AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE

Aundra

"Idk if I already said this but I was probably going to be voted out because of how I told Duncan about the alliance on accident so he and Samuel decide to try to get me out idk if I would’ve stayed if Samuel didnt get med evac because he didn’t vote lmao what a dummy. We had swap which was nice mainly because I got to stay with most of the people in cool with include my allstars bff QuilLynn and Tim now!!! Happy that he and I can work together this time instead of directly against eachother I really like this tribe as a whole really and see good things going for us till we make merge which I feel will be soon do to the amount of people getting evacuated. What’s up with all these allstars being flops?                                    Xoxo, gossip girl "

Jay

I'm so sad that Julia is gone but that's okay bc I have a new alliance. Honestly I made 0 bonds with anyone on my original tribe other than Julia, Chris, and Tim. So once I joined this tribe I immediately went to Sarah and Duncan and said I wanted to work with them. Which I mean, it's half true. I want to work with Duncan far into the game, but Sarah needs to go sooner rather than later. So my thought is I want to take out Madison or Trixie, doesn't matter to me. And then MAYBE try to see if I could take out Sarah the next time. She doesn't have to go that soon but if I can make it happen, I'd like it to happen.

Dan

I’m so pissed I wasted so much time and energy on that stupid ass game for nothing!!! I love life rn, couldn’t be happier (: 

5/29

Dana

Nothing is happening. I like Dan more than I thought he would and we made a cute alliance chat. 

Tim

Rip Aren also me, Aundra, and Quilynn might become a thing!!

Ruthie

"real life is SO overwhelming right now, i thought the summer would give me more time but it's... quite the opposite these days!  As far as the game goes I am SO glad that our tribe is safe and that we don't have to see tribal for another week.  I think it was SO lucky too hehe.

I've really connected a lot with Duncan, right now he's the person I would say I'm the closest to! "

Aundra

"Guess who found a hidden item!!? MEEE!! I found the magnifying glass which many already know allows me to see who someone voted for. This will definitely come on handy if there is a suspected rat and I got to find them hopefully this isn’t the only thing I find on my walks away from camp. Watch out cause I got eyes everywhere lol                                     Xoxo, gossip girl "

Quil

the new pokemon games look so cute!!! Also love Aundra and Tim, trying to set up a side alliance with them that can take out the other winners down the line! Honestly if I make merge with the right people, we might be looking at my 3rd win folks!

Luke

My new tribe is actually pretty lit now. We’ve bonded by being the hosts’ favourites and winning two challenges! Same can’t be said for the other flops. I want to make an OG Bernard alliance with Carson and Chris to secure my spot in this game and make sure I’m not voted out before another swap. I need to be reunited with my friends!

5/30

Chris Stoner

So swap happened! I def feel swapfucked. 3/5 ppl on my tribe were on opposite sides as me in past games. The fourth person, heather, probably knows at least one of those 3 and will just go with them for an easy vote. Luckily we won and I did a lot in the challenge so I hope that keeps me around. I need another swap or merge... my days are limited with this tribe. 

5/31

Dan

I’m so over these creative challenges. I rarely have time for them which sucks because I’d have time for challenges that are more typical. You know damn well we won’t end up producing anything of substance, Heather’s tribe will submit something oscar worthy, and we’ll be going back to tribal 

Ruthie

My tribe... once again has not stated anything yet. I feel like this is gonna be another mess 

Sammy

nothing insane is going on but like we have a lip sync challenge and I’m not home yet so this sucks hahah, I’m glad that we are doing good as a tribe and honestly everyone seems to be super kind and nice about everything. So we def have good tribe dynamics. I really enjoy playing with heather this time because in lago we were kind of against each other. I’m hoping we can work more together this game and I also hope me and Carson could work well. Oh and Luke, he puts off really good vibes and I click with him well.

Ruthie

I REALLY hope my tribe gets their act together this time around. Friday is... tomorrow. 

Sarah

I hate my tribe they can all die in a pit of fire...that is all

Quil

"https://youtu.be/vis4R2MfzNA xoxo"

6/1

Duncan

Umm so we tribe swapped and MY TRIBE SUCCS EGGS!! it’s me and Sarah with jay, ruthie, trixie, and Madison. Ironically despite how inactive our tribe is we have the most members at this point in time. Julia got med evacd after the reward challenge and after the last immunity challenge, which we did not even attempt to complete, we learned the other tribe had forfeited the challenge and decided to have their tribal that night. We’re blessed as fuck to be ahead of the game right now but luck can’t last forever. We have had three days to do this movie trailer challenge but no one is ever on. I threw a while fucking idea and script out there but nothing ever came of it. If I go home because of my tribe’s inability to come together I’m gonna have a bitch fit

Sammy

literally like i keep suggesting things or asking questions and nobody responds I’m so annoyed. The only one that even responds to me some is heather...i really hope we win the challenge or i could be going home:/

Ruthie

So Madison and I just did the whole trailer by ourselves and Madison is doing 95% of the work, my lines took less than 5 minutes to film what the heck is the rest of our tribe doing 

Tim

It appears as if QuilLynn has gone inactive and our tribe isn't going to submit which is sad! Just send me to final 3 tbh. Also our trailer had a cute concept ngl.

Olivia

REMEMBER THIS DAY AS THE DAY QUIL TURNED IN THE VIDEO LITERALLY 30 SECONDS BEFORE THE DEADLINE AND RIGHT BEFORE WE WERE GOING TO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING FROM THE TRIBE BC THEY DIDNT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION 

Carson

Heather is the proud owner of my wig whew

Aundra

"Guess who isn't going to tribal for the first time since the game started!!?? MEEE finally i dont have to try and vote out someone and make sure that im safe from getting voted. tbh i really like my tribe and would've hated to have to vote someone off i would really enjoying playing with all of them once we make merge if there are people left in the game to make merge with. these people are being such flops and not submitting confessional or voting its almost like what was the point of saying yes to playing the game. if only we had some real players in the game so i could be stressed and depressed /                                                                                                xoxo, gossip girl P.s. i know im not a girl but i can understand why someone would sign off with it its fun typing xoxo it makes me feeling like i run something lmaoo"

6/2

Stoner

. I’ve never gone to tribal yet this game and I want to keep it like that. I have a feeling the second I go to tribal I’m gone. Unless I merge. If I make merge I’ll have some more options and places to run and hide. I’ve tried talking to people and forming bonds but it’s just not working. 

Trixie

"Trixie's Alcatraz Confessional Strike Receipt #2

[2018-01-31, 5:16:08 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Hello you have not yet made a confessional this round! Pls do that!

[2018-01-31, 5:17:33 PM] Trixie Stale-Werthers: im so sorry the link isn’t working for me

[2018-01-31, 5:17:48 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Sure jan

[2018-01-31, 5:18:19 PM] Trixie Stale-Werthers: im so sorry but something really bad is about to happen and there’s nothing i can do to stop it

[2018-01-31, 5:18:41 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): can u not [2018-01-31, 5:18:48 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Can u just make a damn confessional

Heather

"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXmXsntB4RM

This was earlier BUT EVERYONE STEPPED UP AND WE WON THAT SHIT HEHEHE"

Luke

AW THE MOVIE TRAILER CHALLENGE WAS SO CUTE IT WAS SO FUN SEEING OUR TRAILER AND WE ALL INPUTTED SO IT WAS ICONIC! I love the Bernard tribe we work really well together and have won every challenge thus far. The other tribes are messy and have big players on them so it’s going to be interesting to see who leaves tonight. Maybe a winner? That’d be shookening. Although I do like this tribe I’d love a swap or something, there’s never much wiggle room on a tribe as small as this but for now I’m content. Still need to work on that Carson/Chris/Luke alliance. Nothing much else to update on. Happy pride! ^.^ 

Dan

We won woo love life no one talks to me

Carson

We surprisingly killed that challenge after waiting until the last possible minute to start it. I’ve been really impressed with how my tribes stepped up after the reward fiasco a few rounds ago. It’s definitely nice not having to go to tribal, so not swapping would be best for me. I’m still tight with luke and plan on being so for the rest of the game. We’ve already talked about hooking up with the other great lakers come merge. After that, world domination!

Jay

I'm getting voted out it was fun while it lasted i guess :/

6/5

Sammy

woo okay so my tribe is doing so good and I’m so happy because if we lose immunity i know that me and heather don’t have the numbers....I’m hoping i make it to atleast jury. Alsooo i just did my maze and it went really well. Yayyyy, okay yes.

6/6

Carson

"So... is no one trying at these challenges? I'm really shocked that I'm actually dominating every single one of these. I normally do well in challenges, but I've performed better than i ever have before. Its definitely because i'm worried about my place on this tribe. Being that we havent gone to tribal yet, there aren't solidified alliances. I've also had no one start a conversation with me. The conversations I've started with people have never lead to any sort of alliance building either. It makes me believe that I could try to be blindsided because I'm the strongest in challenges and that the merge is on the horizon. I wouldn't put it past these people honestly. I know I have luke in my corner, but stoner is a huge wildcard to me, especially since he's both saved me and burned me in the past. We had a weird relationship in Alcatraz, and it makes me hesitant to trust him in this game.

Also I asked Luke the round where he got caught searching if he wanted to work together with me to find the idol. His response was yes, however nothing has transpired from it. Ive sent him my search route once, but he never reciprocated by telling me the routes he's done since he went many times before I even tried. He probably already has it honestly, which is fine, I just wish he would be honest with me about it."

Tim

Woo we won!!! I CAN RELAX

Sarah

I hate hate my tribe pt 4

Quil

So im in a good spot still, I'm literally queen of this series, but trixies tribe lost again and she's probably going home and I swear i'm going to be so pissed if i lose a jury vote rn because of that fatass tribe of rejects! (idk who is on it tbh but still!!!)

Heather

WOO Another immunity and reward. We stan the Bernard tribe. Even tho Carson basically won the flash game. King of flash games. I kinda hope another swap is happening soon but at the same time our tribe is doing fine with challenges soo hehe. 

Luke

wow hello i forgot about this omg.... we won immunity and reward again that's so amazing! Bernard tribe has been killing it but it's been boring, i need a change of scenery. i need to meet up with my friends again and kill this game and WIN i really want to fucking win oh my lord please let me win 

Madison

IT's boring af! I want to pick this shit up! Tribals have been easy! I want to be SPOOKED! Put me on a tribe with people that hate me or something I want DRAMA. 

In addition to my last confession, I'd love for someone to call me a fake feminist right about now. Do you think Sarah will since we're voting her out? 

6/7

Dan

"Literally so shocked we won. I’m not surprised I did well, but like I was so worried others wouldn’t turn it out. I thought we were getting a one way ticket to tribal, but I guess my tribe is a little more iconic than I thought.

I might actually try to talk to people today???? Idk haha I’m just so pretty and can’t be bothered"

Duncan

Like I said! Our tribe succcccs really bad!! Madison and I and ruthie get to choose which of Sarah and trixie go home. Either way is going to be pissing someone off. Hopefully we make the right decision because I feel a swap coming on

Tim

Fuck my game with this swap huh.

Aundra

"Feet don’t fail me now take me to the finish line I feel so alone on this Thursday thanks to lady O and Cam I think I need wine. ANOTHER SWAPP WHYYYY  my tribe was like the best people ever and we worked very well together now I’m with a group of people I’ve never meet which means I have to sit around and talk to them all to get to know them. This is horrible to me 1) I’m a lunatic and going crazy because I’m hella overwhelmed over the last day of school 2) I don’t really want to work with all these people and will more than likely be an outsider because I know NOBODY on this tribe 3) the only person I think I might know looks like Miranda Cosgrove and she’s allegedly super great at everything and multitalented soon to be governor of some state in America. I literally can not. IM SEPARATED FROM MY NEW GAME BFF QUILLYNN we haven’t really talked in awhile but when your tribe is safe you don’t really have to talk plus we’ve all been kinda busy but that’s besides the fact they err my ride or die along Tim IM AWAY FROM MY BFF TEEM I pretty sure Cam and Olivia hate me but you know what they say the devil can work but Normani works harder                                   Xoxo gossip goat "

Dan

Mcscuse me???? Under construction? You know my ass is Charlie Day-ing this shit searching the blog for things. I'm officially crackdt. 

6/10

Tim

Now I now more about Maine than myself. Lmao but we won woo!!

Quil

Just another day of me being the most iconic winner! Kinda sad Sarah got taken out but, at the same time its one step closer to my 3rd win!

Aundra

"So we’re voting Stoner out my favorite person on my tribe tbh i vibe with him and he’s cool the rest of these people ain’t all that and a bag a chips. I have to sit around and lie to him and say Duncan is the vote when ik that he’s the vote which makes me feel horrible because being blindsided is never fun I lowkey hope I’m getting blindsubwvaus the cast is basically full of the the people that could never and winners and the winner seem over it they’re trash in a way like come on people this is an allstar season and you sit around like your here just to be here at least act like you signed up to play and weren’t forced that’s really all I got to say so here’s to me bein a bad friend and to me possibly getting voted out!                                   Xoxo gossip goat"

Luke

"My new tribe was a disaster at first but now everybody wants a bite of this english muffin :~)

I have Dan I have Trixie I have Madison and Duncan as a threeway

Ugh my mind"

Duncan

I don’t know what’s happening. It’s been a stressful week irl and idk why I’m playing a game rn. I’m probably going home but I’ve heard stoner as the vote so that’s what I did. If I die hopefully my daughter Madison thrives 

Heather

Wooo Tim and I did that kahoot. I thought a tribe swap would mean I would lose for the tribe tbh. 

Dan

This vote seemed way too easy tbh. Did I want a comeback story arc with Stoner? I mean kinda? But like he’s also straight and it’s pride month so he gotta get the boot sis. This all could be an elaborate scheme to get me out but in all reality it’s a waste bc I’m so busy in my real life that I pay an ounce of attention to this. (To clarify I do care about this game I just had a super busy weekend full of social events and you know that this boy doesn’t ever have a social life so he had to take advantage of it!!!!)

Ruthie

"I'm SO glad that the people on my tribe are good at challenges! I hope I can do something with the next one so I can show that I'm useful and not just taking up space on the beach bahah!  

I have no idea what will happen tonight but we'll see!  I don't think that there will be another swap anytime soon. "

6/11

Heather

We most certainly do not stan this upcoming one world. No we most certainly do not.

Dan

I love rigging my random.org so Dana is safe. Gotta look out for my winners after Sarah's messy ass left haha. But seriously random.org picked her. I think Heather and Tim will be a little annoyed that I didn't pick someone from Lago, but if they ask I literally have screenshot proof that I randomized it to be fair with a time stamp so like they can calm down. And if one of them goes, oh well??? I really hope merge is next. I feel like this game is going by so quickly, I am forever thankful for that. 

Aundra

"A tribal twist that I really like but both robes are gonna to tribal I think tonight or tomorrow idk I haven’t been paying attention and am more of a mess than normal I really wish I was working with my peeps and not with these randos that are probably going to vote me out which sucks but hopefully I’ll make jury given that we get to go to tribal second it’s all about the motion of the ocean                                   Xoxo gossip goat "

6/12

Tim

Damn it I thought I had a good score in immunity but I lost :////. Congrats Carson and Dan i guess lol but comp beasts can choke (in the game that is). Dana and uhhh someone else is safe so hsbdd. Yeah so the plan is to stick with Quil, Dana, and Carson so ya!

Quil

Idk if im going home or not. Dan is dead to me for not giving me immunity!!! Ruthie better be leaving or yikes

Tim

So it looks like Ruth is dying because of this ugly twist!!! But hey atleast its not someone active.

Luke

"YES YES YES CARSON CAME THROUGH FOR ME AND HE GAVE ME IMMUNITY I'M SO FREAKING HAPPY. This just proves that the relationships I'm making in this game are working to my benefit and are keeping me safe and I could not be happier right now. This tribal council is a difficult one. I like everybody on my tribe but I said I'd work with Madison and Duncan, I said I'd work with Dan, I said I'd work with Trixie which leaves Aundra as really my only option to vote. It sucks because I like Aundra a lot but they don't really talk to me or anybody and it's getting to the point where if you don't try, you gotta go...

I'm expecting a merge after this tribal council because we'll be at 11 (I think ) which is perfect for a merge. I can meet up with Quil, Trixie and Dana, I can get back with Carson and also utilise my relationship with Madison/Duncan. I think I'm gonna make it far providing I play this game smart WOOOO O"

Sammy

ugg okay so I’m on a tribe with everyone that i like so making this decision is gonna be so hard:/ I’ve heard Ruthie tho imso im just gonna go with it....

Madison

"Me: throws immunity

Also me: feels like everyone is sketchy and that I’m probably going home this week.

Am I mad? Not particularly. "

Aundra

"Guess who’s probably going home! Me!! NOBODIES saying anything to me about a vote everyone is “lost” and i think I’m voting Trixie no need to keep dead wieght on our tribe and if these people vote me out they’re idiots complete dummy’s for keeping people that won’t work with them and can’t contribute to the tribe stupid people do stupid things                                   Xoxo gossip goat"

6/13

Tim

I MADE MERGE WOOOO

6/14

Luke

"Hello well all of the conversations about this game spicing up at merge were true because this cast is fucking CRACKEDT and I have no idea what's going on. I'm in an alliance with Duncan, Madison and Dan... Quillynn, Trixie and Dana expect me to vote with them so I'm kinda stuck between two threesomes but Dan wants to talk to me privately in a few about something and I think it's about the same thing I wanna talk to him about. It's about us being STUCK because we're expected to vote a certain. All I know is my name hasn't been brought up so that's good.

After this round, depending on which way to go I want to work with the group I don't betray, Dan and Carson. I think it'd be smart of me. I just need to talk with Dan before we decide what's going on. Will keep you posted. "

Duncan

I might go home because Tim has the fattest mouth on the block. I was hoping for some black guy magic but I just don’t think it’s in the cards. I think one of us will go home and do I know why he chooses the karringtons over the rest of us? No. Also I haven’t really done shit strategically this game and have barely been around socially idk how I’m stil here. Over jay Sarah stoner and aundra? I don’t know how he does it. Maybe if I do nothing in every game I’ll be guaranteed merge. I just don’t get why people are coming after me. You’re not going to like hearing it but sometimes I forget I’m in this game. I’m just now getting my feet game wise but apparently I can’t go in the kiddy look without enduring a shark attack 

Dan

Honestly I’m really happy that my name wasn’t thrown around this vote it’s a hot ass mess and I’m aligned with too many people

Heather

"This round is a mess. Heres what happened Madison wanted Isle of Skye Alliance Her me and Tim make said alliance I get busy and cant message and only do 12 stones for immunity thinking imma lose I win cuz everyones dead Quil wants to gun for Duncan Madison and I wanna gun for Quil Tim does what he always does in games and snakes Quil confronts me I lie I tell Duncan we should gun for Tim NO ONE IS TELLING ME WHO THEY VOTING WJDJSHD"

Carson

God this round was kind of a hot mess for me. So my main concern going into the merge is not being a target. I knew coming into the merge people would see me as a threat based on my performance in challenges. So my first order of business was to throw the immunity challenge since I would still be among other challenge threats (luke and dan) if I don’t win. Next, I made sure I was still good with my alliance of quil, Dana, and Tim. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s best for me to continue with that alliance. So I went ahead and made a side alliance with Duncan. I view him as a HUGE threat to win, but i feel better going to the end with him knowing I can beat him in immunity challenges. My old alliance is full of wildcards. So at this point, I’m pretty much aligned with everyone, which is both terrifying and exciting. I have been on tribes with Sammy and heather for the past few rounds. Luke and I are super close. I have a new alliance with Duncan that was formed to redeem ourselves from Alcatraz. Dan and Madison are allies of Luke and Duncan respectively, so I need to work on my social connection with them bc jury management. I’m starting to see a path to the finals, but more on that next round. I need to go run errands!!

Madison

Do I lowkey hope they flipped the vote on me and I go? yes. at least then someone will have made a move!!

6/15

Sammy

okay so so so I’m at camp and i feel like I’m missin so much stuff happening in the game. But I’m with quill and Dana....however Carson and Duncan want to work with me. BUT Duncan and Quill are against each other-_- why does this always happen to me.....

6/16

Duncan

I think it’s bananas that Tim went home. Well, not really, he broke peoples trust within the first round of merge. You can’t do that. I feel like no one is really playing the game rn besides like Madison and I love her but if I still have a shot to win, even though I’ve done retroactively nothing in this game, I’m still going to go for the W. So if I don’t go home tonight, expect me to start my cocaine drug abuse problem that I had in Alcatraz. Last time I was here for Mitch, this time im here for me. So once I start being active, it’s all over

Madison

"OKAY TEA. Trixie is literally voting however I’m voting bc she’s gonna be gone I’m CACKLING I LITERALLY HAVE A DOUBLE VOTE! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!

Idk who I want gone. If I go that’s cute too like it’s jury who cares but this is hilarious. Idols make me a little nervy but idk. "

Dan

"I'm so yikes over this vote rn. Like I knew I was aligning myself all over the place, but I wasn't expecting to have to pick a side. Quil basically confirmed today to Luke that votes would be public tonight, which makes this even worse bc I have to own my shit. I'm hoping that Madison doesn't freak the fuck out when she realizes she is really on the bottom. This is what she gets for Mongolia tbh. I turned over a new leaf with her for Lago and now it's my turn to snake. I'm gonna tell her Duncan is going at like 9:50 tonight if she has some advantage or something cute to save him, but like I just also feel like shit???

I don't especially trust Quil, but I need her in front of me bc she'll always be a bigger threat. I know I need to flip on her eventually, but with Quil gone, the drama is gone, the target is gone, and I'm a sitting duck.

Also peep the white gays killing all the POCs, I'm literally disgusted. "

Madison

WHEW okay so I knew the vote was going to flip obviously I’m not an idiot. so this is either going to work and make it seem like I’m on the bottom OR it’s gonna make them all flip and vote me out next round and that works too so. woohoo

6/17

Olivia

Dan searched the trails and found 1/3 idol. Luke searched at practically the same time but like with a 30 second delay. Both went down the EXACT same path. Luke lost the idol by like 20 seconds it was wild. 

6/20

Dan

"I just scrolled 8 miles through the chat to find this yikes.

Honestly like if I go home this round it’s cool and whatever but I just feel like I’m great spot??? Luke showing his cards last week put the target on his back. Of fucking course he had to win immunity bc I didn’t have time to play Casanova, but like I feel like Sammy can go. I’m in 2 strong groups of three and Dana is my number one. I’m just proud I’m getting at least 7th in an all stars season where I’m coming in as a winner. "

6/21

Dan

"Wow so uh I got played huh. That’s what I get for being confident, thanks Demi!!! I just wish that someone clued me in on the Quillynn vote. Like yes I had been working with her, yes she was a big threat, but yes I would have gladly voted her ass out. She would have easily won if she got to the end just bc she’s a 2 time winner.

I did message Heather and Luke and said I would have gone along with the plan if I had known about it so hopefully they believe me bc that’s the honest truth. I really need to do some damage control with Sammy as well. The only reason I voted him was because no one gave me another alternative. I’m definitely not gonna win this game ugh. But again I’m happy that I made at least top 6 in an all stars game coming in as a winner. "

6/24

Dan

"Oh hey it’s me, Lago Dan, here to make an immunity run bc like I feel like I would have been next. I wouldn’t be surprised at all of Dana/Trixie/Luke team up against me and Sammy but also I really want to hope that Luke and Dana will go with the winners to the end mentality. I just realistically don’t see a winner winning if it’s not 3 winners at the end. The jury is fucking bitter bc it’s an all stars season and their entitled asses are just gonna have to get over it.

Realistically I don’t see me having many big moves on my resume besides the Heather vote last round. I think Heather needed to go because she really called the shots at the live Tribal with her vote and she’s someone that is likebale to the jury. This game I tried to get all the lago people out because none of them want me at the end again. The next to go in theory is sammy but I think I might try to give Trixie the boot tbh. Sammy is someone who could win final immunity, but let’s be real the kid lives at camp rn or some shit so maybe he won’t even show up again.

I really wanted to try to have a game with a bit more complexity than my first game but I think I ended up playing pretty similarly. This time I tried to hold off before winning comps and now look at me I’m slaying. But socially I think I faultered a few times in this game and I’m ready to face that bitter af jury"

6/27

Dan

This could very well be my last night in the game and it's super bittersweet. I hate that it's coming down to this fricken comp. I can't figure some things out because some things never got posted on the blog.... *EYES CAMERON AND OLIVIA FROM ACROSS THE ROOM* but anywho, Dana isn't giving me a straight answer about what's going on with everything and I just wanna die. Like Sammy told me he didn't do the comp, which is cool and will self vote to force the tie and then throw fire making, so like now that this confessional has taken a turn for the better I think I'm good (: hehehehehehheehhehehehee. I love being a two time winner (hopefully)

#donttaketherocks

[in-paradox-space]

I scheduled a post for every day for 21 days.

I made them as a reminder for myself everything would get better, but I’m feeling better sooner than anticipated. I regret making the posts because they’re cringy but I’m sure nobody at all sees them. 

You’ll feel better too, whatever you’re going through. 

After some research I decided that’s how long it’d take for me feel alright again after a pretty heavy MDMA and other substance comedown.

I feel like the other substance might be cocaine or ketamine, i dont know. It hit me really quickly and my left arm was being controlled by my leg, when I tried to move my limbs a different part of my body would move.

It was extremely euphoric and terrifying but I just didn’t move for a while until I felt I could carefully attempt to move again.

So yeah the posts are like really emotional and dramatic but I felt fucking awful the week of the comedown.

You heard of brain zaps? They’re fucking awful.

I kept researching online in how the fuck to feel better and stop the brain zaps. Everywhere pointed to a thing called 5htp. It’s tryptophan. From my memory, I believe it’s a chemical which aids to production of serotonin. We get it naturally from food, and it helps our body to create and/or properly absorb serotonin. Something like that... it helps us feel serotonin anyway.

and the internet suggested the brain zaps were likely my brain trying to return back to it’s balance

and at that time i was really lovestruck by a girl. I feel okay knowing i likely wont ever be with her now. 

i dont mind if i see her again or not. I’d like to see her again but i think it’d just be cool to be friends. I think the chemical imbalance made me feel the need to be around someone. It’s all down to the chemicals in your mind at the end of the day. They control your perception of everything, your attitude to the world. 

well yeah, everywhere told me to buy 5htp. i knew it wouldnt arrive in time for me to use them but i ordered anyway, in case this shit happens again. they also sounded good

I tried my first one today, a 100mg pill. 

I felt kind of sick afterwards but I ate a sandwich and I was fine. 

Whether or not it’s a placebo, I felt great today.

Not a euphoric feeling, but I just feel good. 

I smile, type smiley faces and can say I’m good.

I’ve been really confident today. I arrived at college a little late, cracked jokes very naturally. Like it just happened, I just made jokes without thinking and everybody let off genuine, unstoppable laughter. 

I’m not extremely acquainted with my class. I know the names of my tutor and 5 students. We joked like we’d already spent the year together and I smiled. It was a sunny day and I got hella work done.

Work in illustrator. Photoshop is pretty simple but illustrator is just frustrating.

I did a whole art piece in illustrator and I’ve almost half-finished the annotation; I’ll have to type that up tomorrow. I wrote notes and keywords for when I type it up. 

I also have to design like 10 logos.The minimum is six, but I put a lot of planning and basically create multiple logo designs for every one logo.

So if I create six logos as meticulously as I do I should get a merit at least. I’ll have to annotate it well.

I have some work experience lined up. I don’t know where yet, we’re sort of trying the first choice, somewhere pretty prestigious but I don’t want to name it here.

Then if not, it’s some other places which will be pretty useful for my future.

but outside of college

I have some other work experience lined up 

like legit

you see an opportunity, you take it. You say yes. 

Tell yourself yes enough times every morning. 

you will say yes to others 

they say yes to you

Just bring the word into your vocabulary. 

So yeah, 5HTP. I don’t think it’s a placebo. I recommend it to anyone who even knows about this blog. Not suitable if you’re on SSRIs though, of course, because of the connections with serotonin.

I felt pretty good today.

I put out a lot of positive vibrations and recieved them. 

I shouldn’t let my guard down though. 

so yeah

someone posted an opportunity online

somebody sent it to me 

I decided I’d go for it, a lot of other people went for it

but what I had to offer was closest to what the client wanted and/or believed they wanted

and I think I got the place

they wont be disappointed.  

It was on facebook though, they was middle-aged and not exactly an internet dweller

my facebook is fucking FILLED with underground memes

very obscure and ironic to the point of not at all being understood by anyone just a little outside of it

and some accessible, wholesome shit 

but idk

if this person sees them they wont understand

im really surprised they even got to me about it

i think its because i was the only one who offered what they wanted.

My services for free. They won’t be disappointed but I’m sure they have doubts.

I won’t be surprised if they change their mind.

I don’t wanna change my whole facebook to look presentable though, the memers on that friends list were there throughout the whole shabang

the good, the bad and the ugly

they’re brothers and I’m not going to sell them out.

so i need to make a page, then eventually a website, to showcase my work and offer people my services.

tomorrow, I also need to filter through around 2000 HD photos and put the best ones into a folder

then filter those to the very best in another folder

and upload them all on imgur, in the meantime, I suppose

then create a quick Facebook page

haha fuck

creating pages is the hard part

maintaining them can be tricky

they either run themselves, or become a chore you eventually abandon 

If the thought of keeping your page up to date tires you, I recommend scheduling weeks and weeks ahead

and working your ass off for a few days every few weeks.

then u literally just have to read comments and check interactions every now and then.

hnnng

I hate having to filter through hundreds of photos, every time I go somewhere with my camera, to put them into the ‘good’ folders.

mainly because my pc is slow at loading them. 

 I wanted to get a new cpu but the one I wanted was out of stock. 

i think everything else is decent in there. i could use more, faster ram and i need to fix the codecs. 

but the hardware is fine, its just a shitty cpu i got from ebay.

also the tiny motherboard and ram came in a cheap bundle lmao

i dont want to change the motherboard though.

where am i going with this?

Yes! Tomorrow will be a big day.

Gonna take some 5htp in the morning to get through it. I wake up in 4 hours and go to the gym in 5. 

I have to finish my college annotation and spend a few hours doing logos.

Then pilfer through hundreds and hundreds of photos

choose the best ones

upload hundreds and hundreds of high res photos

smooth talk with some potential first clients

and i have to create a facebook page

aaaaa

and I have  to write all the details in there

do I have to watermark all the photos too?  

well

i just wanted to say the 5htp is good. 

im getting good opportunities

things are really starting to look good. 

i write this sentence to you with love!

I have hella work to do tomorrow

and the MDMA comedown isn’t a problem now.

#my drug tag #personal