#fuck i CANT even pay my bills my mom is covering my phone bill this month

[chucklechampion]

evening dedicated to The Horrors

#i just need to fucking vent man #i cannot fucking live like this anymore #i still dont have the tags for my car and its almost been a year #a whole year where i didnt go ANYWHERE but work and home and sometimes special occasions when i felt i could risk it #and the daily agonizing fear of being pulled over again and getting a ticket that i cant afford because i cant afford to pay for my tags #ive gotten one of those smart watches that can track your heart rate and stress and im genuinely developing a heart problem from stress #when i was driving home tonight i think i mightve had an arrhythmia which was a scary feeling #im going off of caffiene from here on out because im starting to be afraid that i might have a heart attack #im twenty fucking five years old and im so stressed and scared about money that im afraid of a heart attack #i miss being able to go and do things and just get out of my generally shitty house #i feel like i would be a totally different person if this was just finally taken care of #someone who doesnt feel like they need to hospitalize themselves because the neverending stress is making you suicidal #because it feels like it’ll never end and i’ll be scared and hurting forever #because how the fuck am i gonna get almost $2000 when im going through a garnishment #like i can barely afford to pay all my billa #fuck i CANT even pay my bills my mom is covering my phone bill this month #because i’d have to choose between car insurance or a phone #and god for fucking bid i ever lose my insurance #the level of fear i would have just trying to get to and from work would kill me #and the longer this goes on the more i wonder if that might actually happen #im smoking way more because im stressed. i cant sleep because im stressed. i cant eat because im stressed. #all things that preclude some pretty serious cardiovascular problems #i have a doctors appointment on tuesday to discuss my heart #im nervous for it but who knows #i have had an exceptionally high heart rate but maybe the arrythimia was just psychosomatic #my money troubles have completely stopped my life and i cant see a way out #i feel like im drowning and like im going clinically insane #i was outside sitting in our carport and a cop drove by and i was so terrified i spent 10 minutes hiding in an empty room #looking through the blinds to see if they were gonna come do something #i am so afraid that i have considered quitting my job because the commute is so stressful and upsetting

[freefolkfightorflight]

Here’s where I’m at…

So. Prev BF “A” occasionally helped me with shit. (He broke up with me Saturday over something ridiculous. It made no sense. I asked a question. Super defensive. I know. Red flags. I know. But….)

Like. I know I deserve better. Anyone does. But. I don’t have better. I don’t have family. I don’t have friend. I was ostracized by my abuser and I can’t even start new because everyone either knows him or my mom in this town. I can’t leave because of him. My kids. Not til their 18. So I gotta make it work for another 11 years.

But A was my ‘something’. He helped with gas. And groceries. And sometimes a little towards rent. Clothes for the kids. Anything involving kid needs he would always help out. He has kids of his own. And. Yeah.

I can’t do ‘this’ alone. I literally cant. Over half my paycheck goes to child support to him. When you look at my take home pay and then childsupport plus rent/phone/necessities….it does not compute. It does not add up to cover all my regular bills

Let alone gas or groceries. Lol at eating out or doing anything else. Lol at buying laundry detergent or clothes or shoes for kids. I hate that this is where I am. But it is. And I’ll be here for a while.

Do I suck it up and let A back into my life…again? If he will have me? I feel as if I don’t have a choice….like. I have to suck up any semblance of pride that I have left and just…try.

I’m not eligible for any ‘assistance’ due to what I make. They don’t include what I pay in child support. They don’t care that I have my kids in my care 90% of the time. It doesn’t matter. Same with government housing. I do not qualify.

Please, I don’t need advice as in “attorney”. I live in the most backwards fucking place and no one gives a fuck. Also that costs money. I can’t even file for bankruptcy because I can’t afford the attorney fee to transfer the house title to ‘him’ or the fee to get the affidavit from a lawyer re: the house.

If you have advice on how to turn off the love in my heart I’d gladly take that. Sob

Do I do nothing and just get kicked out of my home after I can’t keep the electricity on? I may have no choice.

It just feels so humiliating and shameful. Like I said earlier. It would be so much easier if I didn’t love him to death and just feel constantly hurt by hypocritical expectations etc. if I could just keep a perfect stepford wife smile and attitude and never question any of the sketchy shit he does.

Im aware of soup kitchens. I went to one today. It’s not enough.

There’s nothing left to cut out. I don’t own any streaming services. I use random other people’s where they gave me log in info (speaking of, any one have Disney plus? lol sob🥺😭). I could turn off the internet. That would save me $50/month. But. That still wouldn’t make things come out even. What the fuck.

This isn’t me asking for money. Just getting it out

[caffeinated-chaos-bean]

Idk whether to laugh or cry lmao

Well guys --

I've been in town for 9hrs today. :'D

So my mom and I left the house around 10am so we could go pay the car insurance bill and such before my 1:30pm physical therapy appointment but apparently there is a curse going around because just like Shanna (and I now find out, Kaz as well today) WE GOT A FLAT FUCKING TIIIIIIRRRRREEEE. To make it even better, for whatever reason, both ATT and Verizon cell service was out completely and was even impacting people being able to call 911. Landlines in some places weren't even working. So we had to drive out car with its flat tire to the parking lot of my work and use their phone in order to call AAA to get a tow. Thankfully they found the spare tire we weren't sure we even had and put that on for us, so we got to immediately go and get the tire fixed. The culprit? A NAIL.

That got over at 12:45pm and then we went to the bank and pulled $100 so we could pay the car insurance (it was $83, the rest went to mom's ciggs). Then we forgot we needed gas and had to run and quicky get gas before running to the other end of town to make it to my physical therapy appointment. The appointment went well, aside from half the already scheduled future appointments WERE ON DAYS I WORK AND I CANT DO THEM. So only 2 of the 10+ days they pre-scheduled actually work (9/5 and 9/13) and the rest have to be re-worked. >n<

THEN we went to get groceries and coffee, hoping to relax for at least another hour back home before my 4pm appointment with my new primary care doctor. By the time we get halfway home? NOPE NO TIME TO RELAX FOR US. We barely had time to get what refrigerated groceries we had put away (dry goods left in the bags on the table) before we had to hop back in the car and make it to my primary care appointment on time. On the way there, mind you, we got tailgated halfway there and when my mom and I both flipped the dude off (and I even turned around in the passenger seat to glare at them) he decided to tailgate FURTHER and actually FOLLOW US the rest of the way there before turning off when he saw we were turning into the doctor's office. I'm not joking when I say that I had the spare car key clutched between my fingers in case I needed to stab someone in the neck in self defense. @n@

This appointment went well and lasted almost an hour and a half, and thankfully this new doctor seems to actually DISCUSS what my health currently looks like opposed to my old doctor??? This brings me to where I'm at in not knowing whether to laugh or cry because its just the icing on the top of the cake.

We went over my previous blood tests that I had done back in June. Aside from having read over those horrible results, the doctor said she could tell just from looking at the orange-ish tint of my nails that I was showing signs of being highly anemic. I also had my bloodwork explained to me for the first time in forever and it made sense and honestly doesn't sound good. Essentially, my red blood cells are too small and too tight to properly do their job and circulate oxygen in my body and carbon dioxide out of my body, and so alongside that, my platelets are working 10x as hard as they need to (ie. swelling) in order to cover for the red blood cells being so small and to ensure that if I ever needed a major surgery or got a major injury that I don't bleed out from it. Along with that, the triple-digit heart rate spikes I've been having?? Yeah not normal either.

What I'm looking at in the future from all of this??

I need to get an EKG and a 2-View Chest X-Ray. I got a Vitamin B12 injection today and will be getting one each month for the next 6 months. I also have to wait for a call from Hematology/Oncology because my red blood cells are so fucked up that I have to have a BLOOD INFUSION!!!

Below, this image perfectly describes my brain after all of this:

#the bean speaks #mun #admin #please make me laugh #please make me cry #make me figure this shit out

[hyperako]

Rest in Paradise, loli. 🕊

Tama nga si mama, ang hirap pag andyan na, ang daling tanggapin at sabihin or isipin pero kapag nangyari na — ang sakit sakit. :(

Last Friday I went to Manila to hang out wt my friends, dumaan pa ko sayo loli para magpaalam and check if may shorts ako naiwan. Okay ka pa non, i did even ask u pa nga sa chocolate na hinihingi ko but u insist na pagdating nalang ni Mama. Nagpaalam ako and all sabi ko balik din ako ng Saturday. But I came back Sunday afternoon.

Hindi man lang kita nakamusta that day, dala na din siguro ng pagod. I was also aware na di maganda pakiramdam mo, and nakita ko din naman yon. Nakatulog pa nga ako dyan sa kwarto nyo gawa ng naglaba pa ako nung pagkauwi ko. I didn’t know na yun na pala yung huli araw na makikita ko mukha mo, na sa gantong sitwasyon pa :( naiiyak ako habang tinatype ko to, ang sakit lang.

Monday morning, narinig ko asawa ng ate ko kausap si ate, they are discussing sa lagay ni loli since nurse tong asawa ni ate, and i also heard about loli being rushed in the hospital. He did mention naman na sinugod nga daw si loli. I run in my laptop and did send over a message on my ate to ask what happened and nasaan na sila mama. I did also send a message to my papa and asked where loli and mama is. Nagreply papa ko, but it was my mom gamit nya cp ni papa, and told me na they were at Cardinal Santos Med Center, I searched and locate, it was at San Juan Greenhills, i even asked bakit ang layo? Unfortunately, puno na halos ng hospital sa Taytay at dun sila nirefer ng Medical City. I asked my mom if I can go there and samahan sya, she insist and told that natatakot nga daw sya, na mukhang positive si Loli for Covid. Nahihirapan sya huminga, and nasa ER tent na sila for suspect Covid patient.

I went there, nammoblema si mama kung saan namin makkuha yung naipadalang pera since ayaw tanggapin ng BDO na isa lang ID ni mama. We went to nearest money remitt sa Greenhills, luckily we got the money. The CSMC required us to pay a dp of 100k!!! Nakiusap lang kami na if possible 50k muna. Apaka mahal sa Cardinal :((( still, my loli was in the ER tent wt oxygen, and she did also some test and yes, the swab as well — 3 days to check for the result. I saw in my mom’s eyes the sadness, worries and fear, imagine seeing ur parents in that situation, it a domino effect on my end, it really hurts. We also try to search for another hosp to transfer her singe we are not sure if we can afford that kind of hosp, they did agree na if we can have another facility who can accept my loli, they will. But we, my mom and her siblings decided na stay na muna for a day since di din naman maaasikaso agad yun by that time, its around 4-5ish in the afternoon na, thinking this pandemic times, ang hirap talaga kumonek sa mga hospital ngayon, we did try to reach some hospitals. Bago kami umuwi, pinasok ni mama si loli wt her PPE, okay naman sya conscious, naghanap pa ng makakain, then my mom explained to her na she will be transferred to private room, na hindi allowed ang bantay since un nga PUI sya, ang sad kasi wala sya kasama — 83 yrs old. The doctor explained na my mom, she cant stay wt her kasi risky since may maintenance and may edad na din sya. If we like daw, may tatao pero syempre may bayad. We just relied on the nurses na syempre trabaho mag route and all. Binilhan namin sya ng mga gusto nya which is fruits and drink bago kami umuwi, sinabi namin sa nurse na we will go back tomorrow para magdala ng gamit and all. And btw, we are asked regarding remdesivir vial, it cost 16k per vial, we refused and informed the doctor na we will let them know muna before deciding, but the dr said na she needs it. 2 vial that night. We are eager to refused since this antiviral is still under study, and di din namin alam kung ano man maging side effects nito sa lola ko.

Tuesday, we came back sa ospital para magdala ng need and fruits, as on our way to the hosp, naka received kami ng message from CSMC, they are asking for another dp of 45k!!! Kasi yung bill at the moment is 70k na. Wala pang one day, umabot na sa 70. :( We have the means naman to pay the another 45, but it was late nung nabasa yung message since papunta na kami, iniwan namin pera na padala ng anak na isa ni loli since thinking namin di naman need. U will know the reason why this is included in the story, God moves in mysterious ways talaga. In the hosp kinausap namin yung billing and explained, pumayag naman sila. Naipadala and all yung gamit, we did try to reach my lola phone sa rm nya but no one is answering, we think na baka tulog or di maabot yung phone. We end up speaking to the nurse in charge, upon speaking sa nurse nakita ko na paluha na si mama. Explaining some things na need kay loli, including the remdesivir thing, sobrang sakit makita parents mo sa ganong sitwasyon, I understand her end, masakit talaga for her. My lola need hemodialysis and di daw stable oxygen ni loli, she need to upgrade her oxygen into tube. Ang sakit.

We went home and i was worried na baka sa pag iisip ng mama ko and pagod sya naman tong magkasakit. Tomorrow is the day na malalaman if covid pos ang lola ko or not. But upon checking sa xray nya, nakitaan na talaga sya ng infection sa lungs. And that night as well, tumawag yung doctor sakanya, was informed na we need to trust her and my loli needs the remdesivir, magiging critical daw. So decided to take risk. Kinabukasan Wednesday, okay daw take ng loli sa gamot and all. Good thing. But yung oxygen nya talaga hindi stable taas baba. And that was also the time na nalaman namin na confirmed sya, pos. this was also the day na di na kami pinalabas and sila, advised to do quarantine. Di na din kami nakabalik sa osp. That night as well, doctor called again to inform na my loli needs to be in an ICU para daw mas matutukan, and nagkaron daw si loli ng stress ulcer. :( Ang dami na nila ginagawa sa loli ko, sobra naawa ako sakanya.

Gabi gabi kaming nag aantay ng progress nya. Ang mahalaga samin conscious sya, which is good. Thursday, nalaman namin na di na pala sya na ICU, sabi ng doctor instead na mapunta yung bayad sa ICU ipang gamot nalang ng loli ko. Good to know. Stable na sya, good to know. :) Kahit papano diba.

Then yesterday, Friday morning pagkagising ko i heard my ate and his husband, regarding lolis BP, hindi na stable, ang baba na. We all know na kapag may edad ka na di na advisable na bumaba BP mo, pag ganon delikado na. Really not sure the whole story but they were advised to be in the hosp to check wt the bill and all. Not sure kung ano pang binigay na opt ng doctor but i think they insist na whatever happens, be ready. Sobrang worried ako for my mom, ang sakit makita eh. I even heard na etong kapatid ni mama, si tita, nawala sa wisyo ng ilang minuto, like as in disoriented. Gawa siguro ng stress and pagod kakaisip.

Around 3PM, i got a message from my mom na wala na daw si Loli. Nakakagulat nakakabigla. Napaka bilis ng pangyayari. Totoo yung sabi ni mama na ang hirap kapag nasa sitwasyon ka na. I cried and felt sorry na wala kami sa tabi nya. Na wala syang kasama. Di man lang namin sya nakausap o nakita :(((((( ang sakit sakit. Lagi ko kinakamusta si mama kung kamusta sila ni papa don, at kung may nararamdaman ba sila. Gladly wala naman, worried ako kay mama sa nangyari, ang bilis masyado, at sa ganitong panahon talaga. :(

My ate and her husband, sila yung nagpunta sa hosp since naka quarantine sila mama sa bahay, they did process the bill, ang sabi di daw marrelease ang bangkay unless fully paid. BUT GOD IS SOOOOOOO GOOD!!!!!! Ni singko wala na kaming babayaran, PhilHealth covered and senior discount, magkano bill? Its fucking 671k! Again, 671,000 inabot in just 4 days!!!! San kami kkuha ng ganon? My ate had an explanation but di malinaw, ang sabi banned or may issue ata ang Cardinal sa Philhealth or vice versa? Not sure wt the full details, but this is something regarding sa claims. Kitang kita ko yung 9 pages na bill. Sobrang bait ni Lord!!!!! 🙏🏻😭 Thinking na dapat magbbigay pa kami ng another 50k last Tuesday but He didn’t allow to do so? PROVIDER HE IS!! 💛

And to my Loli, ikaw ang last na lola na nakasama ko sa paglaki ko. Thank you sa sermon, sa mga ngiti, galit, inis, jokes, tawa at kwento mo. Kahit makulit ka, mahal na mahal ka namin. Mamimiss kita. Di ka naging madamot na ina at lola sa amin. Alam ko na di na inallow ni Lord yung pain and suffering mo kaya rest in paradise, pahinga ka. Hindi biro ang 83yrs. 💛 Gabayan mo kami, sila mama at tita. Kaming mga apo mo. Bigyan mo kami ng lakas para lampasan to. Thank you Loli, sorry kasi mag isa kang lumaban physically, sorry kung di ka namin nakita o nakausap sa huling mga araw. Sorry kung kailangan umabot ka pa sa ganyan, makakapagpahinga ka na. 💛 We will miss you, and we love you! Rest well.

Sorry if this is too long, I feel like i need to type all this, akala ko okay lang, okay na, madali lang. Ang hirap, pag nakikita ko yung mga litrato mo, lalo na yung mga ngiti mo na halos wala ka ng mata? Ang sakit, ang sakit at bigat sa puso. Naiiyak padin ako. Loli, tulungan mo kami. 💛😭

You will be remembered, Loli. I love you. 💛

[joeycupcakerichter]

Justin Foley - Obligations

A/N: Okay, so this one deals with than a less than happy home life and a move I think Justin would make all day er’day because he doesn’t always think shit through.

Requested: Yes, by anon

Pairings: Justin x Reader

Warnings: Insinuations of abuse and living in a poor household. Alcohol father also.

Word Count: 1311

Prompt: 54. You’re not obligated to save me.

Masterlist

Your alarm blares for the fifth time before you finally crawl out of your bed. You just have no willpower this morning, thanks to the killer hangover you acquired from the night before. You can hear out in the living room that your parents are fighting again. Something about the electric bill, or maybe the cable bill? Probably both. You groan inwardly before sitting up and rubbing your eyes. You glance over to your phone to see no messages received, which was the first thing that actually surprised this morning. You send a good morning text to your boyfriend Justin before stripping off yesterday’s outfit and getting in the shower. As you go to step into the tub, you hear your phone buzz again. You eagerly pick it up to see a message from your service provider. You look at the phone, confusion washing over your features before you tossing the device on your bed and storming out into the living room.

“What the hell guys!” You shout, trying to be heard over your arguing parents. “Why is my phone shut off?” Your father glares at your mother before turning on his heel before storming out and climbing in his truck and shooting down the street. You turn to your mother, fuming. “What’s the point of me having a job when I can’t even have a functioning phone?” You shout.

“Your father blew all of our money at the bar last night. Apparently his tab needed to be paid.” Your mom says, sitting down and taking a drink out of her coffee. You could feel the sides of your face burning as your rage boiled up you stumbled over your words.

“What in the fuck do you mean?” You roar, rage getting the best of you. Tears starting falling down your mother’s cheeks and you felt your heart drop into your stomach.

“What would you have me do (Y/N)?” She pleads with you. You stand there before the broken woman, trying to muster up some words of comfort but all that comes to mind is the instance that she leave him. You didn’t care if he was your “father”. He was a piece of shit who had no interest in anyone but himself. You opt to silently hug your mother, knowing nothing you could say would express how you truly felt about the situation. She rested her hand on your arm, using her other to rub your back to comfort you. When tears subsided, you finished getting ready and started your walk to school. Normally you would ride with Justin and Zach, but since you had no way to get ahold of them, looks like you were walking.

As you turned onto the busy street that would leave you to school, you heard loud music and a horn honking behind you. You turn to see Zach and Justin looking at you, gesturing in confusion.

“The fuck (Y/N)?” Justin calls out once Zach come to a stop next to you. “Why didn’t you text me this morning?” You pulled out your phone and showed him the message from your service provider trying hard to keep your composure. Justin knew about your family, it was what drew you together. But that didn’t mean that you wanted him to know how much you struggled there. And this was just your dad blowing the phone and electric bill. You had been out last night when he stumbled home drunk and pissed but had you been there, it would’ve been a hell of a lot different.

“Damn, (Y/N). I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?” Justin asked, a look of concern covering his features.

“Unless you can somehow come up with 500 dollars so we can pay our bills.” You say shortly, knowing the likelihood of that was slim. He wore a contemplative look now, and said nothing. Zach looked from you to Justin and started to drive. He was cute, but boy was he dumb. His saving grace was he knew when to stay out of it. You didn’t want to hear the “easy” solution that most people have, it was the same one you wanted to offer to your mother this morning. Except it’s never that easy, your dad made the money for your family. It’s why he thought it was his to spend.

School was uneventful for the most part, Sheri getting on you at lunch about not texting her back until Justin tells her to shut up. She backs off, telling you she’d see you around. Great, more bullshit. You just wanted the day to end so you could go crawl into your bed and try to forget the world. Justin and Zach had practice after school and while you normally would stay and watch to cheer them on, you snuck off while they were getting changed into their uniforms. Plugging in your headphones, you privately thanked god for music and its ability to get your mind off everything.

When you cut the corner onto your street, you were surprised to see Zach’s Audi parked out front. As you neared, you could see Zach was still in the car and you were confused as to why he was even there.

“Zach, the fuck are you doing here?” You shout at him, emotion drained from your voice. He says nothing and points to the front door where you see Justin talking to your mom. She seems to be thanking him profusely, and even pulls him into a hug, definitely earning a raised eyebrow from you. Justin looks awkward as he breaks from the hug, spotting you over your mother’s shoulder as he mouths the word “shit”.

“Hey mom, what’s going on?” You ask warily as you walk up the front yard. You’re watching the two of them warily, half a million things running through your head.

“(Y/N), I was just talking to your mom about something, I wanted to help out.” He says cautiously.

“Help out with what?”

“(Y/N), honey, Justin gave us a little bit of money, to cover what your dad blew last night.” Your mom explained, words getting stuck in her throat as her voice wavered. Your eyebrows shoot up into what must be your hairline as you turn your gaze on Justin.

“I’m, uh, gonna be staying with Zach for a little while.” He tells you as he nods at Zach. He smiles at your mom, but you can see the anxiety in his eyes, he doesn’t want to talk about it here.

“I have to get this money in town before 5 so I can pay off these bills.” Your mom says, excusing herself from the two of you. “Thank you Justin, I’ll pay every dime of it back, I promise.”

“Don’t worry about it Mrs. (Y/L/N). No rush.” He says warmly. Your mom plants a kiss on his cheek and beams at him before hopping into her car and speeding towards downtown.

“What the fuck did you do Justin?” You whisper angrily. “Where did you get that money.”

“Meth Seth just left it lying around. I wanted to help you.” He whispers back.

“You moron, he’s going to kill you!” You exclaim, emotion taking over your volume.

“I’m staying at Zach’s until I can replace the money. It wasn’t much. You said you needed 500, I’ve stolen more from that prick.” He tells you dismissively.

“You’re not obligated to save me.” You insist, tears threatening in your voice.

“Of course I’m not, but I want you to be happy (Y/N).” Justin pleads. You run your hands through your hair, nervously watching the street as if Seth would already know. “I just wanted to help you.” He says sadly. “I’d give up anything to see you smile. You’re everything to me.”

#Justin Foley #justin foley imagine #Justin x reader #13 reasons why #13 reasons why imagine

[monteasea----smeggylittlesmeg]

Help your friendly neighborhood sad boi

Hey guys, I made a post similar to this one a few weeks back but unfortunately I didnt hear from anyone and things have gotten worse financially.

Last month I had to pay 500 (well 300 because I physically didnt have enough, so 200 something this month) to fix my car, the only way to get myself to work. Unfortunately, hours were just cut from the higher up, and I'm only looking at 15 hours a week while desperately trying to find another job that will work with that chaotic schedule and not drive me crazy.

Before the end of this month, I have to get my car and license changed from NC to WV, and that's looking to be at least a $150 ordeal, and then I have to get it inspected before I get hit with late fees on the first of Sept. However, there is no way my car is going to pass, the tires are going and my horn doesnt work (pics and videos can be provided if anyone wants proof), not to mention it was only just overheating every time I drove it. This is my only mode of transportation and my attempts to apply for a loan to try and get a new car or fix this one have all been denied (which I dont understand because I just finally brought my credit score up to a decent score.)

I just got paid today and after paying more of my mechanic bill and some of my credit debt, I'm looking at 100 bucks for the next 2 weeks, and I haven't even been able to grocery shop yet. When I get paid next, that entire paycheck is going to cover rent for September, so I'll be left with nothing again.

I'm just going crazy right now trying to figure it all out without pushing myself even farther in debt. If anyone could spare anything at all, I would literally cry.

I have posted my paypal link and an amazon wishlist in case someone would rather buy me stuff I need around the apartment, or a birthday present because I didnt really get anything this year, which while typical because of having a summer birthday, still makes me sad every year. My mom does what she can, but my dad is completely absent in sending any help. The only interaction I have with him is him calling to yell at me to pay the phone bill, while him and my brothers are literally on their way to the beach.

Tldr: I am a recent college graduate that's just trying to make it on my own, but life has continued to kick me down at every turn so far. Please friends, I really don't know what else to do. I cant even imagine what will happen if my mom dropped me from her insurances, I have got to start thriving somehow or I'm absolutely fucked. Oh god and I have to start paying back student loans soon ahh, please help.

(Ignore the name for paypal, I made this last year hoping people would send money so I could have a killer 21st birthday, and didnt realize you couldn't change it)

Paypal: https://paypal.me/selena21bdaymoney

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1WOBSD9QNROJS

#long post #im sorry i had to post something like this #i just dont have anywhere else to turn

[effervescentmind]

Entry 18: 07/10/19 @ 3:42 p.m.

I’m at work on the patio. 

So I have a lot of crappy news to talk about. These last few days havent been very great. Last Tuesday I woke up with some strange sharp pain on my right collarbone but the pain would only come if I inhaled. I dismissed it, thinking maybe that I had slept weird and it would pass. Wednesday, it moved to my left collarbone and I knew it was too much of a coincendence to be a strain but I still ignored it. Thursday I felt no pain until the evening when my waist started feeling a bit sore. It wasnt a sharp pain but more like the soreness you get from working out. I’m a server and work at least 40 hours a week so I figured my body just felt tired like usual. Friday I woke up around 3 a.m. in sooo much pain. It felt like someone stabbed my ribs, I could barely move without screaming. I eventually fell back asleep and then called out of work when I got up. When I explained to the manager that I was going to the hospital for unexplainable pain, he told me he had my morning covered but he fully expected me to be there that night for dinner shift. I hung up and was very upset at the lack of concern he had for my well-being. I didn’t have any money to get a lyft to the hospital and texted my mom and best friends’ mom for ten bucks. My best friends mom didnt get back to me that day but my mom was able to cash app me. I called my job and spoke with another manager, updating him on my situation and that I would keep him posted. When I got there, I was seen right away because there was no line. The doctor immediately knew I had Pleurisy.

 From what I understand its a viral infection that inflames the protective lining of your lungs. The lining is suposed to protect your lungs and make sure they expand smoothly against your ribcage. When the lung gets inflammed, it creates friction. That friction was what I was feeling everytime I inhaled. The doctor gave me a 800mg ibeprofen and kept me there for an hour to see if it helped. It worked very slightly but I was still in pain and breathing shallow. He perscribed me the ibeprofen and instructed me to stay home that night and the next day. I called my job and a third manager picked up. I updated him and let him know that I had to stay home. He was very upset about it and then we hung up. 

Saturday morning, I get a text from my bestfriends’ mom. It was her husband telling me that she was in the hospital and thats why I didnt get a call back but that he would still send me the money if I needed it. He was concerned about me as well. I told him what happened and that I was ok and didnt need the money. Then I asked him if mom (I call her mom because she took me in and is eveything to me) was ok and he said he didnt know. That she had tried to overdose on Xanax. I was in shock and told him I was so sorry and that I wanted to come see her. I asked for her number and expressed my convern for him and my little sister. He said she was fine and that they told her that mom just needed help feeling happy and that she would be home soon. My heart was heavy and I cried for hours. I ended up talking to my best friend and we got high on the phone and cried together. Neither of us had talked to mom because we didnt want to upset her with our emotions.

Sunday morning, I was still in pain but not as much as the day before. When I got to work, I realized that I wasnt ready for it. I couldnt walk very fast or I would get winded because of all my shallow breathing. Talking was very short and limited or very strained and exhausting. My coworkers kept asking me if I was ok and wondering why I was so quiet. I felt like shit and the more I worked the worse the pain would get until I had to stop every two minutes to catch my breath. I started talking to coworkers and asking if anyone wanted to pick up my shift. No one could because they were all doubles so I went to my boss and told her I couldnt breath. She immediately told me that I had to go home and stopped me from trying to find people to cover my shift. She told me I was fine. 

The guy that picked me up drove like a fucking maniac and added to the horrish pain I would eventually feel when I got home. It felt like he was tossing me around in the back seat with a thousand knives around me and I was too winded to speak up. Then when I got home, I dropped everything on the floor and tried to sit on the couch but couldnt even sit. It was too painful to move. I literally had to keep my torso perfectly straight and spread my legs to lower myself onto the couch. I could not use my abs AT ALL or I would trigger a sharp pain and scream. I eventually took a shower and stayed on the couch for the remainder of the evening. Going to bed was a thirty minute process. Just finding the right angle to lower myself and figuring out what movements I had to make for the least painful experience was exhausting. My sleep was rough and uncomfortable. 

I had monday off (thankfully) and still had a considerable amount of pain but felt much better. Spent the day relaxing and catering to myself and body. 

Tuesday (yesterday) I felt GREAT. Hardly any pain and no laborous talking. I went in to work and people were happy to see me and happy that I was back…I realized that I was happy too. Not because of my job but because holy shit I finally felt close to normal again. Everything was going great, we had a slight pop and I was in my groove. Then the mid-manager comes in (the one that was upset about me not coming in over the weekend) and askes me how I was feeling and without letting me answer comments, disappointedly, on how I called out again on Sunday. I looked at him and said that I had to, I couldnt breathe and he scoffed at me. I then told him that I did come Sunday and tried but left early and he just walked away and didnt say anything. I continued to take care of my tables but his comments were in the front of my mind, They were really bothering me! So as soon as I found a monet to talk, I pulled him aside to speak in private. I told him that I didnt appreciate his comment earlier, that it was insensitive. I tried my best and still came in despite my condition. I missed out on at least 300 dollars over the weekend and noe had a 200 dollar hospital bill to pay without insurance. He somewhat sympathized and agreed that he was maybe a little insensitive. I said it was alright and he proceeded to tell me about one of my coworkers and how they have been working for two weeks with rib pain. Then I told him that he had nothing to do withme and that it my pain was different. It was my lung and I explained what the doctor told me about Pleurisy. He listened and acknowleged that he might have been insensitive but then told me about how he was at work for a whole week once with kidney stones. Again, I told him that his stones have nothing to do with my long and that he was downplaying my situation. He then someowhat agreed with me and we ened the conversation. i thought we were good and it was over but he follwed me to the bar and told me that earlier he was just asking me a question and he wasnt being rude. I reiterated what he said and how and told him that he was expressing disappointment. He then denied it and reitarated a version of his “question” with the same words and nicer tone. I told him that yes he did say that but not in the form of a question and not nicely. He continued to go back and forth with me and I stopped him saying that I wasnt trying to argue with him. He wouldnt let it go so I told him he was being defensive and he told me he wasnt and started trying to fight with me about being defensive. I told him that this was dumb and that I wasnt going to argue. He cut me off and said it was dumb and it was dumb for me to bring it up in the first place. Then (yelling) told me that I had the resturant in a disarray for no reason. He said this while walking away from me and by guests, making sure he was heard. I yelled back “I’m so sorry Jason that you had a hole in your floor for three days because I was in the hospital, you asshole!”. He then went to our boss and started talking shit and then immediately after went up to the hostesses telling them that he didnt care that I felt like he was being insensitive. I couldnt believe that this MANAGER was acting like a stupid like fucking child and causing a scene. 

The worst part of this all is that my boss was on his side and basically told me that I was being emotional and that Jason didnt mean anything by it. Hes just a very black and white person and thats what got him the job in the first place. UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!!!!! I didnt even argue back because I’m so done witht his place. I’m offically fucking numb. I’m just going to work on getting my car and then line up a better job so that I cant quit. I’m not even going to tell them, I’ll just not call and block them. Fuck these bitches.

#oldiary

[loveismyreligionom]

Entry 18: 07/10/19 @ 3:42 p.m.

I’m at work on the patio. 

So I have a lot of crappy news to talk about. These last few days havent been very great. Last Tuesday I woke up with some strange sharp pain on my right collarbone but the pain would only come if I inhaled. I dismissed it, thinking maybe that I had slept weird and it would pass. Wednesday, it moved to my left collarbone and I knew it was too much of a coincendence to be a strain but I still ignored it. Thursday I felt no pain until the evening when my waist started feeling a bit sore. It wasnt a sharp pain but more like the soreness you get from working out. I’m a server and work at least 40 hours a week so I figured my body just felt tired like usual. Friday I woke up around 3 a.m. in sooo much pain. It felt like someone stabbed my ribs, I could barely move without screaming. I eventually fell back asleep and then called out of work when I got up. When I explained to the manager that I was going to the hospital for unexplainable pain, he told me he had my morning covered but he fully expected me to be there that night for dinner shift. I hung up and was very upset at the lack of concern he had for my well-being. I didn’t have any money to get a lyft to the hospital and texted my mom and best friends’ mom for ten bucks. My best friends mom didnt get back to me that day but my mom was able to cash app me. I called my job and spoke with another manager, updating him on my situation and that I would keep him posted. When I got there, I was seen right away because there was no line. The doctor immediately knew I had Pleurisy.

 From what I understand its a viral infection that inflames the protective lining of your lungs. The lining is suposed to protect your lungs and make sure they expand smoothly against your ribcage. When the lung gets inflammed, it creates friction. That friction was what I was feeling everytime I inhaled. The doctor gave me a 800mg ibeprofen and kept me there for an hour to see if it helped. It worked very slightly but I was still in pain and breathing shallow. He perscribed me the ibeprofen and instructed me to stay home that night and the next day. I called my job and a third manager picked up. I updated him and let him know that I had to stay home. He was very upset about it and then we hung up. 

Saturday morning, I get a text from my bestfriends’ mom. It was her husband telling me that she was in the hospital and thats why I didnt get a call back but that he would still send me the money if I needed it. He was concerned about me as well. I told him what happened and that I was ok and didnt need the money. Then I asked him if mom (I call her mom because she took me in and is eveything to me) was ok and he said he didnt know. That she had tried to overdose on Xanax. I was in shock and told him I was so sorry and that I wanted to come see her. I asked for her number and expressed my convern for him and my little sister. He said she was fine and that they told her that mom just needed help feeling happy and that she would be home soon. My heart was heavy and I cried for hours. I ended up talking to my best friend and we got high on the phone and cried together. Neither of us had talked to mom because we didnt want to upset her with our emotions.

Sunday morning, I was still in pain but not as much as the day before. When I got to work, I realized that I wasnt ready for it. I couldnt walk very fast or I would get winded because of all my shallow breathing. Talking was very short and limited or very strained and exhausting. My coworkers kept asking me if I was ok and wondering why I was so quiet. I felt like shit and the more I worked the worse the pain would get until I had to stop every two minutes to catch my breath. I started talking to coworkers and asking if anyone wanted to pick up my shift. No one could because they were all doubles so I went to my boss and told her I couldnt breath. She immediately told me that I had to go home and stopped me from trying to find people to cover my shift. She told me I was fine. 

The guy that picked me up drove like a fucking maniac and added to the horrish pain I would eventually feel when I got home. It felt like he was tossing me around in the back seat with a thousand knives around me and I was too winded to speak up. Then when I got home, I dropped everything on the floor and tried to sit on the couch but couldnt even sit. It was too painful to move. I literally had to keep my torso perfectly straight and spread my legs to lower myself onto the couch. I could not use my abs AT ALL or I would trigger a sharp pain and scream. I eventually took a shower and stayed on the couch for the remainder of the evening. Going to bed was a thirty minute process. Just finding the right angle to lower myself and figuring out what movements I had to make for the least painful experience was exhausting. My sleep was rough and uncomfortable. 

I had monday off (thankfully) and still had a considerable amount of pain but felt much better. Spent the day relaxing and catering to myself and body. 

Tuesday (yesterday) I felt GREAT. Hardly any pain and no laborous talking. I went in to work and people were happy to see me and happy that I was back...I realized that I was happy too. Not because of my job but because holy shit I finally felt close to normal again. Everything was going great, we had a slight pop and I was in my groove. Then the mid-manager comes in (the one that was upset about me not coming in over the weekend) and askes me how I was feeling and without letting me answer comments, disappointedly, on how I called out again on Sunday. I looked at him and said that I had to, I couldnt breathe and he scoffed at me. I then told him that I did come Sunday and tried but left early and he just walked away and didnt say anything. I continued to take care of my tables but his comments were in the front of my mind, They were really bothering me! So as soon as I found a monet to talk, I pulled him aside to speak in private. I told him that I didnt appreciate his comment earlier, that it was insensitive. I tried my best and still came in despite my condition. I missed out on at least 300 dollars over the weekend and noe had a 200 dollar hospital bill to pay without insurance. He somewhat sympathized and agreed that he was maybe a little insensitive. I said it was alright and he proceeded to tell me about one of my coworkers and how they have been working for two weeks with rib pain. Then I told him that he had nothing to do withme and that it my pain was different. It was my lung and I explained what the doctor told me about Pleurisy. He listened and acknowleged that he might have been insensitive but then told me about how he was at work for a whole week once with kidney stones. Again, I told him that his stones have nothing to do with my long and that he was downplaying my situation. He then someowhat agreed with me and we ened the conversation. i thought we were good and it was over but he follwed me to the bar and told me that earlier he was just asking me a question and he wasnt being rude. I reiterated what he said and how and told him that he was expressing disappointment. He then denied it and reitarated a version of his “question” with the same words and nicer tone. I told him that yes he did say that but not in the form of a question and not nicely. He continued to go back and forth with me and I stopped him saying that I wasnt trying to argue with him. He wouldnt let it go so I told him he was being defensive and he told me he wasnt and started trying to fight with me about being defensive. I told him that this was dumb and that I wasnt going to argue. He cut me off and said it was dumba nd it was dumb for me to bring it up in the first place. Then (yelling) told me that I had the resturant in a disarray for no reason. He said this while walking away from me and by guests, making sure he was heard. I yelled back “I’m so sorry Jason that you had a hole in your floor for three days because I was in the hospital, you asshole!”. He then went to our boss and started talking shit and then immediately after went up to the hostesses telling them that he didnt care that I felt like he was being insensitive. I couldnt believe that this MANAGER was acting like a stupid like fucking child and causing a scene. 

The worst part of this all is that my boss was on his side and basically told me that I was being emotional and that Jason didnt mean anything by it. Hes just a very black and white person and thats what got him the job in the first place. UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!!!!! I didnt even argue back because I’m so done witht his place. I’m offically fucking numb. I’m just going to work on getting my car and then line up a better job so that I cant quit. I’m not even going to tell them, I’ll just not call and block them. Fuck these bitches.

#diary

[itain]

long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...

#negative #long post #dont read #sorry i exist #i wish i didnt too #the shit thing is even writing this out and posting im like... #its like there is two of me and one is saying you just want attention.. you want pity. you want money. #well fuck i want happiness but ill get what i can i guess

[leighasnotebook]

Title - Hey Future Leigha ;P

So.. I'm broke as fuck. I can't even seem to get a job. A job at a place I dont even like but need. I barely even made it home from internship at the humane society in Indy. I am on BELOW empty. I tried to sell a galaxy s4 at disc replay to get me by and they wouldnt even take it because apparently theres something wrong with it. So that was dissappointing as fuck too. I've been forced to borrow money from my mom who I STILL live with. So apparently I dont even have the abilty to be independent right now. Sure Im in school but I cant even afford to put gas in my tank to get there and I still owe 1000 dollars or more to my school. I dont even know where Ill work after I get my certificate. Thats right.. CERTIFICATE.. not a actual degree. Still. I stupidly decided to get a credit card a few years ago and now I'm maxed out and cant afford to pay it off. I at least have gotten on a payment plan that will make the interest 0% and make my monthly payment lower. My phones fucked because I broke the goddamn screen on it. So no one can even call me unless its on the house phone and I'm not home all the time AND its a cordless that apparently has fucked batteries in it because it just shuts off after like 10 - 15 minutes. I shouldve never even gotten a stupid "smart" phone. All its done is make me feel guilty about the extra money my MOM is spending for it on the bill. And it is way more fragile than a flip phone. Sure the extra shit on it was fun but I dont even need it. I dont care if Im "stuck" in the old times. At least it was reliable. I have grown up in my life with a nice place to live and nice things but that just isnt me. I know when I live on my own I wont live in a nice place and I wont have nice things. Its as if Ive been blindfolded to my actual lifestyle to the point where I agreed to getting nice things. Things Id never be able to afford by myself. After my car got totaled I got a 12k settlement which I had my dad take care of because he wanted to take it to use to get me a new car. Well he decided to get me a fucking expensive newer car.. the accident happened oct. 1st 2013.. I ended up driving a rape van (huge burgendy van with bars on the windows) to and from Ivy Tech and work for about half a year or more before my dad decided to take out a loan for a Toyota Camry 2013! Why on earth would you opt to get me a expensive car like that when I cant even afford gas or live on my own!? Now Im fucked because I cant pay the car payment.. my dads paying it which makes him think for some reason that its his vehicle. No on the contrary it was his decision to spring for a newer car of which I am entitled to 12k of. so yeah now I have a investment in something I cant even use because the insurance is insanely high and I cant afford it. Sigh Im just so fed up with all of this bullshit. If I could sell everything I have right now and just start new, that would be ideal. Sell the fucking Toyota, use the money to pay off my credit card bill, pay off school and maybe have enough to secure a place for me and my dog to live. Because I am not a goddamn straight woman who has a boyfriend to pay for half of everything. I feel like alot of girls live with their boyfriends and get off easy. Well thats not an option for me is all Im saying. I can barely even find a lesbian whos responsible and even has enough income to hold up their half of living expenses.. I cant say shit about that right now since Im in the same boat but still. Even when I do (which I usually do) have all my resources I still cant find a responsible GF. Either way Id still be dependant on whoever I was living with to keep my place. Even if they were a roommate. Which I guess would be the same financially if it were a significant other providing half. anyway.. Ive been trying goddamn hard to get a job. I signed up for Rover.com to watch dogs or walk dogs for people but IDK if my background check came back clean. which it should because I spent extra money so that it would be. Beyond all.. I am seriously just fed the fuck up with trying to manage all of the bullshit that I have to. It feels like I need 3 of me to accomplish all the shit in front of me. I am overwhelmed I guess is what that means. I feel so useless in the world. The only thing keeping me from spiraling into a severe depression is the fact that Im going to school for something that I love doing. Knowing that in a month and a half Ill be graduating is whats keeping my head up. Other than that.. its my friends and animals that hold up the rest. Some days I for real just want to get drunk and say.. FUCK IT ALLLLL. which is kind of what im doing right now.. but guess what? my box of cheap ass wine is almost gone so this will be a short lived release until im fucked again.. and cant even go to a party I was invited to go to on sunday. Im writing very unhinged right now. I need a goddamn stupid dumb job. And Ive been trying to get one for months. Now its even harder without a cellphone. "hey yeah just call my house phone and let me know about that job" just doesnt jive well with me because ITS A FUCKING HOUSE PHONE.. better than nothing but its real fucked trying to get a job when you cant answer your phone bc you dont have one of your own. gaaaahahahahaha fuckckkckck Im just so fucking stressed. I feel like I cant accomplish anything with the materials I have right now. Even if I had some money.. Got a full tank of gas and paid off my monthly bills I still wouldnt just magically have a job. Even if I got my phone screen replaced. Goddamn and Ive tried going into places but apparently Im a dumbass and come at the wrong times. Sigh.. just. fucking. schedule. me. for. a. interview. its not that hard. Theyre like "oh yeah were hiring" but other than saying that sentence they are so fucking unhelpful. "oh did you apply online?" uhh duh yeah I did you fuck. Why in the fuck would I not fill out an application and expect an interview. Fuckin assholes.. like I get it.. youre busy. but hey you wanna know what would ease that? If I was working right now and could take some of the work load off. Everytime someone would call about a job I would be so informative and supportive because I know what its like. Plus if I ever feel like Im overworked- which is alot of the time at those quick turnover jobs- I WANT the person inquiring about a job to get the job. Why? because I need them to take some of my workload off. Thats how it happens at pizza hut at least. you start with a bunch of people and then they dwindle down to where everyone is being over worked and more workers are needed as to not kill everyone who still works there. sigh.. I dont even want to work at pizza hut again but at this point I will take any fucking job I can get. I am being nickeled and dimed.. just like that fucking book I had to read in school. Given, all of it was brought upon my by my own past hand. I cant do anything about the past and its legit my past self just going crazy on a credit card that has me so fucked right now. After I get these cards paid off I will NEVER EVER EVER have another credit card again. I cannot be trusted with it. Great that I know that now that Im in debt out my ass. Yeah yeah and I have this theory that I learn things in life by trial error.. and guess what.. IVE FUCKING LEARNED.. and now that I have im still super fucked. Usually my trial error didnt cause me this much detrimental pain and suffering. usually it was like touching a hot stove and it was over with. but no.. this has been a very slow stinging burn that wont let up. I know.. I know that I will have to kill myself working my ass off and not having any shred of a life to get out of this hole. but the thought of it just really really makes me sad. Not saying It makes me not want to get a job. because NO WAY I need a job ASAP like yesterday. like if someone walked up and would pay me 20 dollars to eat a worm I would. Because it would spare me the shame in asking my mom YET AGAIN for gas money. God I am so tired of asking anyone for ANYTHING. Its the last thing I want to do in fact. Theres only so much you can ask of someone before they decide they wanna say nope.. youre on your own. and you know? Im surprised my mom hasnt told me no yet. Shes really really helpful. I think she understands me but also just wants me to get a job already so I wont keep borrowing from her. Which is understandable completely.. and thats exactly what I want too. At least i dont just sit around getting drunk and stoned all day in my pajamas. Im actually trying here. Theres nothing more that I want to just have a steady income. I dont care what kind of shit I have to drudge through to get to that point. I am so able bodied and ready to sweat and work and give myself away to a corporation for money. But guess where Im going to get the gas money to get to that job? FUCK IF I KNOW lol. goddamnit. I have really done it this time. How did I let it get this bad? How did I let myself fall so far? I dont even have anything else to sell to disc replay and the only other things I have to sell are all my paintball equiptment.. and I dont even really know how I would go about doing that. Craigslist? idk. I am flailing..... my wings are clipped and i cant fly. I have maybe a few dollars in change right now. Man how I used to just throw it in a jar willy nilly when I had a job. Not touching it at all for months and months. and now its all I have. FUCK. my rope is covered in kerosine and its been on fire for months. Someone in this world needs to cut me a fucking break and give me a job. Just 1 fucking person to say "you got the job, heres your uniform, come in monday at 8". I have been able to keep my hope through the worst of situations in my life. I feel it wearing reaaally thin right now. I almost had to walk miles just to get home today. you know its bad when you cant even afford to drive home. When youre just waiting for your car to give out and its screaming "i need gas!!!" You actually make it home and you get out of the car and hug it and praise it. Thank you. Thank you so much for holding out on me. I will get you gas as soon as I can I promise. Its like if you were traveling by horse and didnt have any water or grains for it to sustain itself but it powers through for you. I feel like a huge bum slacker bitch. Like I shouldve worked harder. done this done that. And maybe I wouldnt have ended up in this tight situation. The only thing in this world that is mine is my body and my animals and the relationships I have with my friends. I'm going to call Pizza hut right now. Ive been trying to fucking get this interview scheduled and they keep being little bitches over the phone. Not this time. I wont let it happen. "oh were in a lunch rush" dude. no. Fuck off. lol. Not this time. BRB. ya okay same old shit.. OH the hiring manager isnt here. Okay I understand but why dont you ACTUALLY give them my name and number and HAVE them call me. I know I know I will call the HIRING MANAGER on monday. See? its just a let down. I will call monday and demand an interview. I am more than qualified for your dumb job. anyway.. I know my friends and family will always be around to help me out. But I am a very stubborn person and have always wanted to do things my way and on my own. asking for help is something that I hold as a last resort. In the situation im in I am at my last resort time. It takes money to make money. money for the gas- to go to work- to get the money- for the gas- to get to work. Thats a 2 week process in itself. once I get past that threshold Ill be more self-sustaining. GGaaah! Please.. UNIVERSE! Im begging you!! Give me a job! Please please please please please! I need to get back ontop of it all. Hold out hope... hold out hope... crunching gears inside me trying to keep that train moving. GO. keep the rusty gears going. Keep swimming like Dory says. I feel like im trying to keep swimming but im in a puddle barely sustaining life itself. Gasps of water into my drying gills every couple seconds. All the while "hold out hope, just keep swimming" goes through my head like a mantra. I go from being super hopeful and positive to super hopeless and negative. Sometimes I'm just on this mid-line pergatory where I dont know how to feel or how I should feel. I know that a lot of people deal with hardships like me. Usually just pushing all their feelings down day to day thinking.. eh ill figure it out. Somethings got to give in for me. things will be different and get better soon. This isnt the end of the world. Im not dieing.. yet. But there are times where no matter what your troubles.. you cannot just push it down anymore. You have to sit there and stare into the eyes of a skull and think.. things are going bad. This isnt how it should be. I shouldnt feel like this. Something is wrong in this equation because its not equaling out right. So here I sit. In my familiar place where Ive faced a lot of things in life. In the garage. (wow a disc replay commercial just came on the radio.. how ironic... fuck u guyz lol). Ive dealt with sooo much in this garage. Most of my epiphanies have happened in here. Most of my hardships. At least in my adult life. And when I wasnt in Terre Haute. Always staring at stuff in here. Listening to the radio. Smoking cigarettes. Drinking. Thinking. [insert link to In The Garage by Weezer here] I cant even explain the range of feelings Ive felt in this garage. Love, lust, loss, depression, happiness, worry, anxiety, calmness, anger, thoughtfulness, perceptiveness, desire, turmoil, empathy, regret, sickness, healthiness, Ive felt hot and cold, bad and good, and at the end of the day when I sit here. It feels so familiar. It could be anywhere. but in this little box on the planet is where all these things have opened up like a bud. So many conversations with friends, on the phone, in person. Oh so very telling and depending on if there was snow, dead leaves, flowers, or sun outside the dynamic would change ever so slightly. And as friends have come and gone, people have died or were born, this has been a constant place for me for the last eight years. After I caught a big fish, built a snow fort, or made a drunken dancing video to missy elliot this place stayed the same and was always here. I feel like im confessing a love affair between me and my garage right now.. but I wanted to express my gratitude to these four walls which I believe have absorbed a lot of the things I am talking about right now. I remember when I first started to dwell in this garage. I was still drinking and smoking on the down-low. Didnt want my mom to know. I would listen to the radio and write just like Im doing now except it was often in a notebook. Its the only way for me gain solace in my life sometimes. Love often drove me to worry as I listened to deftones, linkin park, or staind or anything that came on x-103. Id just scribble on page after page I would stop caring if it was legible... That shear fact that id stop caring in general was all I wanted. I wanted to release all my cares into a song or a feeling or a writing. What do I want? who do i need? who AM I ? Sometimes I never know. I dont know things alot. as much as Id like to believe I have every little thing under control.. I never have it all. this isnt to say that its a negative thing. Sometimes you simply cannot wrangle every little thing into a place you think it belongs. often things are flying like kites with brittle strings. they break off and float out of bounds yet still connected just not within reach. Its definitely angering at times. you think.. why cant i keep my shit in check? but if you think about it. maybe it was never "your shit". I really think its better to not stress over things that blow away. Youre in a spot you let shit fly and it ends up gaining its own separate current without you. You cant always be strong enough to keep everything where you want it. It doesnt work that way, you cant control everything. HELL sometimes you cant control anything. and I know how that feels. shit. right now I could still be walking on the side of the road away from my broken down car. holding up my thumb trying to get home. you cant hold everything down with a thumb tac or a bad attitude. things will happen and ya you probably could have avoided some things but I think things happen for a reason. Maybe to teach you that you in fact are not in control. That things are or arent just black and white. Reppercutions.. actions that lead to situations that you have to handle. Its all apart of one thing. you... its you. hah. I mean you make choices.. and theres always a second and third happening. In my case.. it makes me feel like im unintelligent when I make a choice and it causes something bad. Ex. If I were to have to walk home today.. my mind would have been full of .. "well thats because I didnt have enough gas" Well why didnt I? because I didnt have the money. Why didnt I? because I dont have a job. Why dont I have a job? because Im an irresponsible entitled person. I act like the world will bend to my whim when it doesnt work that way. When weve all got the same probability of things going our way. Why should I think I'm any different? why? because of all those times I made it home when my gas tank was below E? what about those times when I didnt get so lucky? that time my car stopped on a highway and I was late to work and I got fired? Its just this numbers game in my head. Will it be okay or not. I never know but my brain urges me to believe yes. youll be okay. and when im not i think well.. It was about a 50/50 that this would happen and I knew that deep down.. so I cant really be too mad right? lets just walk a few miles and get what i deserve. meanwhile I think about everything I could have done that wouldve lead to a different outcome. ya hmm. maybe if i had a job.. id have gas in my tank.. and this wouldnt have happened. maybe..hmm just maybe..? You know when you drive down a highway and you see a person walking it? You can gaurantee that that person is thinking... how could I have avoided this? That person is me that person is you. Walking on the grass on the side of the road.. looking at all the trash people discard from their car windows. Really slows your mind down when youre walking where you normally drive through. You see people zoom by who will get to their destinations on time. Who had the money and intellect to just buy some gas. We all have our days when were in the gutter. When I have mine, it forces me to slow down.. to really look at my life. Why did this happen.... why am I stuck and fucked like this again. Even though I magically made it home today on my below E tank I still see this as a wake-up call. It brings me back to the times when I didnt make it home. I felt like a lost dog. and ya I know.. poor me.. first world problems. Oh man Leigha had to walk 5 miles to get home because she ran out of gas in the automobile that she has available for her to drive 24-7 usually. And dangg. she even had a full meal before this walk.. poor her. I know I know. Its totally crap. Its not like I almost died or was starving and in a desert left to die. In reality, on this planet I am lucky. I am a lucky person. But to say that we still dont have our problems would be to say that anyone with a roof over their head was flawless. It makes me realize that yeah, first world problems are nothing to those in third world countries. But I shouldnt feel invalidated if I have room to improve my life. Everyone in this world has room to improve their lives. I am not solitary in this one bit. in fact I feel like I am unaware of tons and tons of stuff in life. Theres so many times when I just simply dont know something. Makes me feel like I dont know anything about anything sometimes haha. its like "oh you didnt know about this?!?!" uhhh no I didnt. Should I have? Woops? am I squandering my priveledge to learn about things I should know about? When it comes down to it. I am never done learning. I am never done growing as a person. I am so ignorant to so many things simply because I have never been exposed to them. I cant walk the earth acting like I have a grasp on everything when I dont. I dont know what anyone else goes through day to day around the world.. I cant compare my life to anyone elses if I've only lived my own separate life. I can relate to people of course but I do not think that anyone can fully understand how something feels unless it happens to them. sure ill say "oh yeah Ive felt that before" or "I felt like that when... etc etc" but I dont know how it feels through someone elses eyes, in someone elses shoes. What Im trying to say is that I have had some really really hard times. Personally I feel that they are HARD TIMES. For me and maybe me only. Maybe others would look at these "hard times" and laugh and say "HAHAH you think thats hard?". But that being said this is how I feel and it cannot be undermined by anyone. Beyond all these technicalities that I decided had to be stated, right now I feel as though I have entered the abyss. I feel like Im in a place that is neither here nor there. I am a real nowhere man who has no real nowhere plans. I used to want to get a tattoo that was the symbol for "nobody". It was a onyx or something I dont remember the spelling. For a long time I thought I was nobody. I thought I would just bend to the whim of anything or anyone. And at the time, I thought that was just me. Me was nobody since I felt like everybody but nobody at the same time. Then I thought.. hmm I dont think I should get this tattoo because what if someday I become somebody. And im glad that I didnt get that tattoo because I AM somebody. I guess there are sometimes that my past self is right about how my future self will feel. I feel like everyone is usually thinking about the future. How they will be, where they will live, what they'll be doing and who theyll be doing IT with (bow-chicka). And do you know what I think? I think that everyones present self is the best link to that future self. OBVIOUSLY. but think about it like this. You .. RIGHT NOW.. can have a serious effect on your future self. Not just with succeeding and blah blah blah boring shit like that. Listen. About 6 or 7 years ago I made a video of myself talking to my future self. I completely forgot about that video. I came across that video one day and HEY it was ME! I didnt remember it AT ALL. and as I watched it it really really felt like my past self was talking to me. it was SURREAL AS FUCK. and on point! Ever since that day I have been making videos to my future self. Even stating in the video that I know Im going to just be drunkenly watching this video. Which usually is also on point! hah. But I strongly suggest that more people do the same thing. maybe just check in with your future self every now and then and say hey. what the fuck is up?! I hope you arent broke as shit and running out of gas. haha. its actually pretty comical the stuff youll begin to find your past self saying to you. I think documenting your life is a really good thing. You can learn so much just by sifting through your past experiences that youve written down or video taped. Right now for instance I feel like I need some guidance. So I think I will revisit some of my past selfs videos and make another one. You talk about how youre doing and how youve fucked up and tell your future self about all of it. Then in a year or two guess whos giving you pointers? YOU! haha its really actually hilarious. who'd of thought that it would be what you said to yourself 2 years ago that would set your world straight. I think I should go revisit my videos now. I need some guidance. :D In other news. not doing so well right now. This writing has definitely helped. Leigha Horvath- Signing off. ;*