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thea-dacity · 1 year

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I had to make a separate tumblr for this because my roommates follow me on all my social media, and I cannot make this post there because my roommate will see it, and I cant fudge the details enough that she wont know it's about her. But I need somewhere to vent because if i dont i will explode, even if my usual support group wont be there to help.

4 years ago, my girlfriend and I decided that we were going to live together with another couple in a rental home and split the rent 4 ways. Rent in our area is stupidly high, and I was struggling to make rent, so this seemed like a good deal for all of us.

Lots of details here are not important because if I nailed it to the church door like I want to it would take weeks.

For the first year, we were doing really well. All four of us had jobs, even if the pay wasnt stellar. But between the four of us, paying all our expenses was easy and I was even starting to save.

Then. Roommate A lost her job. Its alright. People lose jobs. It happens.

Then. COVID. Which was not alright, and I think that while it's not the root of all our problems it was definitely a contributing factor.

I want to talk about A for a minute. A suffered a lot of emotional abuse from her mother growing up. She goes to therapy for it, she's taking medications, we're to believe that shes working through her problems at some kind of pace. I'm being pretty understanding that recovery ain't a straight line. Plus, we've met her mother and her mom is absolutely a bitch.

She's very jealous that the rest of us have parents that arent narcissists and abusers, but it's not like we dont all have our own host's of problems (whole house is a concoction of adhd, autism, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders).

Every year, A will throw some kind of tantrum. The first time, it was because I said something about how I felt shoved in a corner. Me, my girlfriend, and Roommate B (A's partner) all shared an office together.

A's former remote job required her to have privacy, so it was agreed that she would get an office to herself. But B's job also required privacy, she they got the nook that we were using as our craft room, and we just agreed to be conscious of her privacy during work hours.

This didnt last very long. I couldnt use my computer to play music very loud and my girlfriend couldn't use the space to sew. And I felt, as I said, shoved in a corner.

So I asked in our house chat if we could reconfigure the working scenario because I felt like I wasnt... given proper space to work.

Didnt even mention A, but A went on a tirade about it- wrote up a whole screed about how she was the bad guy and then locked herself in the office (remember, at this time she was not working from there) and didnt talk to us for three days.

We worked out a solution where B works from the closet of their bedroom in a makeshift cubicle, the nook goes to me and Girlfriend, and A gets the office to herself... for some reason. Eventually this turned into their game room.

But it kind of set the tone that at least once a year this 40 year old throws a hissy fit about something and then doesnt apologize.

Again. I'm trying to be understanding of her situation, but there are days where I have to walk on eggshells.

Well... it's that time again.

Rough update of the events preceeding:

I quit my toxic job awhile back and started a new career as a photographer, which requires a lot of equipment. This job does not make a lot of money and theres a few months where I have to find extra work just to make ends meet.

Girlfriend lost her job and has been deeply depressed, and money issues mean that we are privately going through a rough patch during the slow season. My emotion s are... kind of haywire right now and I'm trying to make it work, but it's hard.

B got a promotion, enough that they can afford a starter home, possibly. They're trying, anyways.

A only leaves the house for doctor's appointments and house showings. She hurt her back some years ago and she hasnt been able to find a job.

After failing to find either a house to buy or an apartment to rent, girlfriend and I decided to stay in the current place. A and B are trying (and failing) to find a house of their own because the market is... very tight right now.

A cant contribute to the move monetarily and has anxiety about not being ready to move when the time co.es (even if it takes a whole month to close on a house.) She started packing in February. Its May, now, and no sign of any move to come, but the amount of boxes in our house would make you think they're moving out tomorrow.

So my stuff is crammed in the craft room (because she asked me to move my stuff out of the garage so she could use the garage as an exercise room, which never happened) a d there's boxes everywhere, making it difficult to get to my stuff to organize it. And she wont put her stuff in the garage because 'theres mice in there' even if her solution to my stuff is to put it in the garage. Its frustrating to live in a place where you cant use the furniture because its covered in boxes.

But let me back up a little because today's tantrum has details.

Last October, I accidentally backed into Bs car. Damage was a crack in the bumper, which I didn't think was a big deal, I offered to pay for it, but B went through insurance instead, which meant I almost lost my insurance. But they didnt pay for any of it, and it was a minor inconvenience- and in any case it was between the two of us, no hard feelings.

B asked if, in the future, I could park on the street, because their car is newer than mine and not as sturdy as my older car, to prevent any future mishaps. I decided this was fair.

Now I think we're up to speed.

My car had a coolant leak this past week and the car overheated. I took it to a mechanic to take care of, but it took a few days and they got me a rental so I could still do my job. And today was the last day of me having it.

B was at the office today, so their parking spot in the driveway was empty. My task today was to return the photo equipment to our main office and since the bags are heavy I decided to park in the driveway just so I could get my stuff in.

I realized as it was sitting there that the grill of the car kind of made a funny face, so I snapped a pic of it and shared it on tumblr before driving off.

So because A follows me on tumblr, she saw the pic and had something to say about it:

"Please dont park next to me. You backed into (B's) car and we just got it fixed."

There's like 3 feet clearance between our cars. I was only there for half an hour. In fact, I was away from the house when she put that in the house chat and didnt respond right away. Girlfriend actually came to my defense first.

"there's no call for that. 1) his implies that (tgea) makes a habit of driving recklessly, which is untrue and 2) the rental is in the driveway to make sure IT doesn't get damaged 3) why is (thea) not allowed to uise the #!%^$% driveway"

And B offered to park behind her car, which was not the point, since my car wasnt parked there anymore. The problem is that B always wants to negotiate and see both sides of a problem, but sometimes one side is simply being unreasonable.

And it really is just fucking ridiculous- I pay rent here, I should be able to park in my drive way for 30 minutes without scrutiny.

Girlfriend told her off in person as well, that she was being fucking ridiculous. I dont know what all she said, but A hasnt talked to me since getting back from the mechanic.

Since moving in here, I never really got the sense that this I was welcome. Like... yeah I live here, but this is A's house, not mine. I'm a tool to be used so she doesnt have to pay rent or cook dinner. Like... I've got my own mental issues, you know? I have self worth problems that this is feeding and I feel like I'm a pest that does inconvenient things like make messes and thats why I'm only allowed in our bedroom, our office nook, and the garage. Like that's why she keeps putting my stuff in the garage- I'm like one of the mice.

These tantrums dont happen on their own, usually. What typically happens is shes in a bad mood because she was eavesdropping on a conversation where i said something she didnt like and is looking for a reason to be mad.

And the only thing that I can think of is that this morning I had a conversation with B about how we had a lot of duplicate items in the cupboard and I was trying to plan meals around the things we have excess of, one of which was an ingredient that only she uses, typically. And that food is expensive and we should try to budget a bit more carefully. Which doesnt seem like the kind of thing that someone might get vindictive about, but guilt does weird shit to your brain.

Unless, of course, she was somehow listening in on the conversation I had with Girlfriend about how I need to put my foot down about food expenses and say that I shouldn't be paying for their convenience foods (premade salads, frozen burritos, bolthouse drinks) or her bougie food choices (pepperidge farm bread, Annie's mac n cheese, brown eggs only, cant buy store brand anything) because when I'm working I rarely eat any of the food that comes in the house.

The walls here are thin, sometimes I hear them arguing. But we keep our voices down, and if the comments I made in my own room, which is one of the FEW places I have to myself, made her mad- then she should have said something about that instead of forbidding me from parking three feet away from her precious Kia that she never drives, in my OWN FUCKING DRIVEWAY of my OWN FUCKING HOUSE.

I'm trying not to go crazy here, but shes making it very hard, and I feel like vermin. Vermin that pays half the rent and makes all her food.

Anyway, I feel a little better having talked about it, but after that I dont know what to do because if I bring it up that she was being unreasonable, then she'll find something else to treat me like shit over and we get back to the eggshell cycle.

I want to block her on tumblr so I can even talk about it where my friends are, but if I do that and she figures out that I blocked her it's going to make this house absolute hell.

I'm literally screaming inside.

#what do i do #drama #should i block her

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pineappleprincess0604 · 1 year

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Well.... this is something I don't usually post, but this is my very first true vent art. I don't remember if I ever made any in the past, but this is certainly the first true one I've ever made.

For some context, I do regret that argument I had with that one person before. Especially after showing it to my mom a few weeks ago. I told her "If I were to come out as trans, what would you do?" She said she'd stop me from getting surgery, which I understood if that was one option, but for the other, she said she'd still use my birth name and stuff like that. Basically saying that she'd let me do so, but wouldn't fully support me.

After that, I kind of recalled some things in my life where I didn't have the best relationship with my mom. How she treated me harsher mentally throughout the past 2-3 years, while also not helping me become a more independent person or at least motivated to be physically, basically meaning that I was starting to realize that our relationship was pretty bad.

So I went to my mom and told her everything I was feeling. And when I did, she got angry at me for it. She mentioned how I hardly did anything around the house and stuff like that and I mentioned how I just don't feel motivated and needed help getting motivated. And she was like "Isn't me being your mother enough motivation???"

And then somewhere down the line, she started crying and saying that I disliked her. And as a result, she'd either add more to my work, saying that the work I do is the bare minimum and not enough, or she'd make me pay my own rent. (Gonna be clear that I don't have a job yet, but i need some help with it.)

Now here's the thing. I don't necessarily have anything wrong with what she told me she'd do. A bit more cleaning isn't inherently bad and we had the idea for the rent thing before as a means to put money in a savings account (please pay good attention to this because it WILL come in handy later). But the problem lied in the fact that the way she got mad and said that I didn't like her, and did this as a result, made this whole thing feel like a punishment! It shouldn't have to be a punishment, especially if it's something that's supposed to help me!

At the time, she also kept my door open which made it hard for me to sleep because of my cats, and she also threatened to take away my stuff. And all this because I told her how I felt and how I wanted our relationship to get better somehow while also getting me ready for the world.

It gets worse though. I tried telling my aunt about the situation, how awful it was, and how I was hoping for some help. But in reply to it all, she said "You are making things up and you need to stop!" And how I was just telling her this to get out of the situation. Even though I said that the options she gave me weren't what the problem was and that it was the way she made it like a punishment that was!

This REALLY hurt me, because now I know that if I ever have issues going on at home, I can't even turn to my other family members for help...

But yeah... that's my vent art... I really hope this situation gets better somehow, because it's really REALLY bothering me and I don't think I can take it anymore.

#vent #ventart #familyissues

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escaping-consciousness · 1 year

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Of course, I can’t rely on anyone.

I don’t know if my bf will be able to get a job and KEEP it long enough before I completely deplete my savings. I struggle to save what $150 every check, but it won’t stay there. I’ve had to take it out to compensate for him or our roommates when they were unemployed. I’ll probably have to do it again to keep his car from being repoed, because unemployment may deny his claim. A bill needs to be paid and I just shit out money that could’ve gone to new computer equipment, clothes that actually fit me, therapy, or a course for a certification to get a better paying job. I could use it to move. I can’t do shit though. My hands are tied because I’m working all the time.

I can’t even do anything for myself because there’s no money left for me. I refrain from using what I can keep in the savings account .

I’m too tired and depressed to focus on my hobbies and skills. I need books to study, and I want to invest in freelancing, I just don’t have the support or the time. When I want yo get in the zone, it’s time to cook or go to bed so I can get up for work. When it’s the weekend, we have chores to catch up on. My money is gone by the time we finish groceries.

I don’t even have kids or my own pet. I have literally NOTHING except the my personal bills. The only good thing is that my bills are finally being paid on time. I can do my part. I know the economy is tough but I’ve gone too long without the things that could change my life or make me happy.

I don’t know what to do.

I feel alone and exhausted. I have a hard time seeing the positives in my situation. Yes, I’m alive, but I’m miserable. I just exist and I can’t make myself happy without compromising the security of having somewhere to live and paying things on time.

When I ask for help, there’s excuses from family or they’re trying to bail out cousins that don’t deserve the money because they refuse to work or get help. My mom has nothing to give. She ended up putting me in debt because she didn’t have enough to help me like she promised. She was too trusting and was just too busy helping her friend, her brother, or my brothers. None of them paid her back or even kept their end of the deal, but I did. I still get little financially help, even though forced to break my back for everyone else.

I can’t go home. Even if I did, there wouldn’t be room for me living back at mom’s. They’re struggling just as much and I’ll just be their taco to work because neither my brother or cousin have their own cars nor will they take public transportation or carpool with coworkers. Mom will emotionally cling to me because of how unhappy she is. If I go home, I’ll purposely OD.

Even if I left my bf, I’d be a burden to my friends. I can’t live alone because i simply can’t afford the rent. I make too much for assistance. I don’t have the skills. I can draw, but AI is fucking up the industry. I don’t have an audience for commissions. I’m not pretty or in shape enough for sex work. Something will happen to me if I ever go homeles.

A lot of this is so mean to think but I just don’t care,

I’m so demotivated by my circumstances but I wish that I didn’t wake up the next morning. I feel like I worked hard for nothing. People telling me “I’m doing great” have no idea how much pain I’m in and it seems like they don’t care either way. Nobody checks up on me. They just ask my parents about me, rather than call or message me.

I wish I didn’t need to be alive. I’m tired of being strong for everybody just so I can be there for them to lean on. I’m tired as bc I want to quit.

I don’t know why I’m sven here anymore.

I’m so unhappy and I can’t escape my life.

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re-the-bear · 1 year

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Because this is the part of the void that is existence that I choose to scream into. I'm sorry in advance for the following brain dump as I'm unable to format properly on the mobile app and suffering right now, so I am not functioning at maximum capacity. Please, if it's going to offend or harm you to read about my problems, then please continue to ignore my existence.

~~ Brain Vomit Starts Here ~~

So, aside from my usual insignificance and the depression that follows it, I am literally being told that my government thinks I should pay them more for the "privilege of being a working citizen of this great" (/dripping with venomous sarcasm) nation. We, my partner and I, are being asked to hand over the equivalent to a month's rent in addition to the money they already took from us because they didn't take enough. This government is so asinine and absolutely dead set upon self-destruction that it makes me want to hurt myself.

They tell us that we have to work to live. We need money to eat, to have shelter, to pay for clothing and transportation, to work, just to have to pay to do that. If I have to pay for everything just to exist, then why continue choosing to exist at all? They take take take, and just when you think you're tapped out, they find some ass backward way to take some more.

We are living in Prince John's England, the cops/sheriff steal from the beggarly & the poor to fatten the purse of some buttery soft billionaire or government official. It's disgusting, and we, as a nation, know how wrong it is. Yet we, "the white God fearing people of Rock Ridge," are placidly waiting for someone else to do the dirty work of saving our lazy butts.

An aside thank you, Mel Brooks, for such a beautiful metaphor for white complacency in the face of true villainy.

It's enough to make one consider Shakespeare's Ophelia from Hamlet. An educated woman, smart and well aware of the machinations of the royals around her. Truly in love with the Prince, she seeks to aid him only to find out he's killed your father whilst trying to murder the king, his uncle, and then be sent away to England by the king as a way to discreetly have the Prince killed. Finding your love has killed your father & is on his way to be executed, with no remaining family who can negotiate a marriage for you, no money to start somewhere new, Ophelia must have thought her future so bleak. Surely, the grief alone might've moved her to her "Quietus make," adding the lack of societal or familial support is a recipe for a depression so deep that swimming in a 17th century gown in the middle of winter sounds like a good idea.

So here I am, in a world where the minimum wage is less than Bob Crachet made working for the notoriously pinch penny Scrooge, being fleeced by cops & and government, all for the pleasure of working. While trying not to die. I'm sorry, but you've bled me dry America. I've got no friends, no social life, no time or energy for art or hobbies, can't afford any luxuries like; fresh food, movies, travel, shopping local, eating out, makeup, etc etc. I can barely afford my job, which is laughable because I'm as essential as it gets, I'm a janitor. I clean up after y'all & it's ridiculous how fast a bathroom can devolve into a sesspool.

#3 am ramblings #i'm sorry #rage #screaming into the tumblr void

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chimaareyouotayy · 2 years

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Journal #2 9.29.2022

I am not upset about how my girl is acting. I totally understand where is she coming from because I was just like that when I was her age. Lost, confused, indecisive, scared and worried. I had a conversation with her and she just feels lost especially after she graduated college. She felt like nothing was going her way from job to friendship and I totally get where she is coming from. When I graduated college I was so lost, scared and worried if I was going to land a job. Thankfully I was able to get a job and accomplish many things. I want to help her but this is not something I can help her with. This is something she needs to figure it out on her own. I told her I will always be here for her so don’t worry about me for now and just take care of herself. I called that respecting her personal space? 😂 fuck am I talking about hahaha. But I truly respect her space sometime being a relationship can be tough. I don’t blame her for being distant with me cause of this. Imagine waking up every day feeling lost I would feel sad too. I was sad that was me when I was 22 - 23 for the whole year cause I felt lost. What I learn from that time was that key to happiness is to do what you love and keep educating yourself. When I say do what you love I do not mean go out party and be stupid. I’m talking about building a business, becoming a boxer, becoming a fitness person whatever that is that benefits you health and mental is what I found was my key to happiness.

I opened up a business in 2018 and we are still going strong. I’m 2019 I started my masters and graduated this year in 2022. That’s when I knew my purpose in life was to do something and not just this bullshit ass 9-5 job. I always tell this to the people my 9-5 is to pay my rent. My business pays for trips, new shoes, investment into stocks, jewelry and also able to take out my girl out somewhere nice. I knew I was never a person who just settle for 9-5 that can not be me. Once I got the idea to on how to run business, I signed up to become a model for these Japanese companies and start making connections. That was my happiness and I never been this happy in my life. Going back to what I was saying my girl needs to find that in her. She is amazing with painting and I am not sure why she doesn’t pursue it but again that’s her decision so I respect it. To me life is what you make out of it. If you complain every god Damn damn about how you hate life then life is going to hate you back and give you hell. But I pray my girl will find that soon and be happy so we can both we happy together! But again that’s her job to find it not mine.

I had a great conversation with one of my staff and we were talking about alcohol and how I stopped drinking heavy like I used to. I was telling him that my body is my temple why drink alcohol to hurt my body and gain weight and just why do that ? Drinking is fun don’t get me wrong but my thinking now is what am I getting out of this ? Headaches ? Hangover? Bad decisions? Like why out my self thru that for temporary enjoyment. I just never understood that as I get older and older. I am 27 now and honestly I see life so differently. Alcohol i see it as devil’s juice (nothing good happens with alcohol.) drugs I just don’t get it anymore get high and what?? Lol weed is the only exception because with out weed my brand would of not exist. Hoes, that shit got old super quick. Having hoes was “cool” back when we were in HS and College but once you get out of that having hoes ain’t really ain’t that great. I just seen so people around me still fuckin with these hoes but can’t never find the one. I’m just done with this shit you know? That is why I think I’m so like locked in with my girl and support her stuff and shit she be going thru. Real man try to understand the women and try to up lift.

Anyways enough with this gospel shit I just wana say again thank you to my sister cause this place have been a best place for me because I can just spill all the shit and I feel good about it.

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justcallmedust · 2 years

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Saturday night ... I think I left a blurb about this already but I just remembered something...

He came in drunk, kneeled on the couch nd jammed his knee into my back while I was sleeping, scaring me awake. It was around 2 am. He was asking, then demanding I come into the bedroom with him because he sleeps better if I lay there next to him while he falls asleep, like a toddler. He did the whole thing, leaning into me pressing his face into mine and growling spitting at me. Ripped my blanket off of me and tossed it all the way out into the mudroom onto the mat everyone wipes their dirty shoes on. He then proceeded to tell me that he pays for me and I have to do what he says. He repeatedly asked me, while laughing maniacally, ‘how much money have you contributed to the house in the last 3 months?’ (which is exactly how long its been since I left my job). No answer was ok, and any sylable I uttered was instantly met with him yelling “see see, it’s nothing you contribute nothing”. There is no right way to deal with him when he is like this, I have to just take the abuse until he fizzles himself out and eventually falls asleep.

4 years ago, when he forced me to go back to work even though my kids still actively needed me there, I thought maybe he will change his thoughts about me. I quickly learned that would never happen, I dont even understand how I thought it would.. I mean he has been abusive to me for so many years, why would he stop? So, I thought I’ll just work really hard and make enough to leave him. No matter how much I tried to save, it didnt matter because once he bought this house and we finally moved I had to spend all my savings on renting a truck and big things that needed fixing. Of course, just months after we moved everything got shut down and I was instantly losing money because the store had to close early and like most people I could not come in any earlier. Pair that with his inability to work with anyone and constantly switching jobs because ‘everyone else on the planet is an asshole’.. and even before gas prices rose we were just scraping by. Even though I had legit burnout and needed to seperate myself from that toxic work environment, the gas eventually made it a complete loss to keep driving there. Despite that, I probably would not have left if my daughter didnt get sexually assaulted by her boyfriend IN OUR HOUSE while I was at work and that man was outside somewhere doing his own thing, not paying a damn bit of attention to the vulnerable teenagers left alone inside the house. Nothing on earth will convince me to leave them alone again. I dont care how old they are, they deserve to feel safe in their own home.

Of course, how safe can they really feel when their father is a flaming abusive alcoholic who is constantly keeping everyone up at night with his bullshit? I vote for at least keeping them physically safe.. but that leaves me vulnerable.

Funny thing is, he kept telling me to leave the job because it would allow him to be able to work longer and not have to rush back and be a ‘prison guard’ for his kids. He also really appreciated all of the household chores, I was not able to keep up with the entire time I worked there, actually getting done.

He also forgets how he made me lose my job when our oldest daughter was born. He was completely unable to care for her and when I went back to work he called during every shift and demanded I come home... even though it was my pay that supported us.

Conveniently, he has forgotten that I was an ebay seller which always brought in enough to cover food costs. When one of our kids turned out to be allergic to everything under the sun .. including disposable diapers .. I had to make laundry detergent and cleaning products. I made and then eventually opened 2 online shops selling cloth diapers - which more than covered the costs of diapering 3 children. That is no small thing. Most of this I did while renting an apartment without laundry facilities.. in fact, the entire town didnt even have a laundromat. So I also had to truck 3 or 4 kiddos with me to the laundromat 3 towns over at least twice a week, just to wash diapers. I’d call that a fucking huge thing.

I know I dont need the validation, but I forget these things and I need to keep reminding myself. The mental damage he has done to me over the years is criminal.

I have to find a way out of this.

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dzpenumbra · 2 years

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I'm censoring my thoughts again, I've noticed. It's been a while. I was going to write about something else but I deleted it from my own journal. It's pretty raw, unresolved stuff from the past two days, so it makes sense. I just don't like hiding things from view, it defeats the point of all this.

Having my parents pay my rent while I try to pursue a failing art/writing/streaming career is just really embarassing to type out. I didn't mind it in college, but that was many moons ago. It has fucked up a lot of my self esteem, my confidence, you name it. I feel like I'm clinging on to a pipe dream, a fantasy - which I happen to have a worthless BA in. That I'm clearly not talented enough to be successful, this career just isn't happening, I just haven't caught on yet. I fear that one day they're just gonna get sick of this and cut it off, and that will be the day I kiss my creativity goodbye. My soul goodbye. It's happened before, when I got into my first live-in relationship and I took it SUPER serious. I made getting my shit straight a full-time job, and creativity just disappeared. It almost killed me, it took a physical toll on my body, not to mention how much it fucked up my identity, my sense of self, my picture of who I even am. I don't ever want to go back to that, let alone of my own choosing.

I keep trying to communicate this version of myself that I'm trying to preserve and enhance to my Mom, the way I did with other people in support roles. I display full work days working on multiple pieces in multiple mediums. I show a project list with 10 big projects on it. I show streaming to have a social/publicity element. I show putting one of the several book ideas I've had into a finished product and getting it on shelves. I show this detailed image of the life I hope to live, that I'm already living minus the customers. Their reaction is to tell me to just get a job in a related field, and meet people through that. Like... to give 8 hours of my work day to doing work on other peoples' stuff, time I could be spending in the studio. Then I can use that job to meet people who might give a shit about my work. It's hard to not read that as "I'm not a fan, I don' t know anyone who would have any interest in your shit, but maybe if you just work somewhere someone there might give a shit."

I don't know. I'm not against it, I could enjoy myself doing a wide array of jobs that aren't even directly art related. Archaeologist, work in a curiosity shop, or game shop, or an antique store. I just freak out about losing time. I've already lost so much, I constantly feel hopelessly behind because of years and years lost to stupid doctors and stupid misdiagnoses, and my own stupid anxiety complexes. Ugh. So every piece I finish, I feel like I need 100 more to even make a dent. Perpetually playing catch-up.

So yeah, that sucks a whole lot. And I tug this ball and chain around everywhere I go. And it's kinda relieving to say it out loud. Still feels very shameful. Probably all the loss attached to it. Idk.

I don't want to upset anyone. I just want to make my art and my music, my writing and my stories. That's all. I don't want to give it up. I just want to make it work. I made a lot of sacrifices to get to this point, I don't want to give up now. If all it takes to be a self-sustaining professional is time invested and hard work, I'll do whatever it takes. I don't give a fuck if it's just living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life and never owning a house or whatever. At least I don't let my soul die, just to keep my body alive. Again.

Sorry for the grumpiness, I'm just very tired of carrying this burden. All I want is for ONE of my list of ideas to start a chain reaction. That's all. Then I can finally proudly, confidently introduce myself to people. Until then, it will continue to be shame.

🌘Night night 🌒

#diary #stream of thoughts #journal

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weabooweedwitch · 2 years

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In regards to moving to the EU, I’ve just got back from a four year stint in The Netherlands and while it was pretty expensive (because I couldn’t work for all four years and the housing market is fucked YIPPEE), it is EXTREMELY liveable. The culture shock was mild, you can live comfortably on a McDonalds salary depending on what city you’re paying rent in, and while they kinda do discourage going to the doctor for mental health reasons they’re quick to refer you to specialists and student insurance covers quite a lot. You just have to put up with the Blackface Parade each Christmas

GOD I WAS TRYING TO REMEMBER WHICH COUNTRY WAS THE ONE I READ THAT WAS DOING THAT. For some reason I was thinking that happened in Sweden? But God. There was a part of me that was hoping that was just, idk, an internet rumor, like some weird unconfirmed thing that was stopped years ago? How horrible. I, uh, honestly wouldn't even know how to respond to witnessing something like that.

Fuck, but on the other hand, being able to afford anywhere on even a "lower salary" sounds amazing. I dunno if I would be able to tolerate seeing stuff like that uh aforementioned parade though? I'm bad at keeping my mouth shut sometimes and as you guys can see on here, i can be a little defensive/feel like starting fights sometimes

What sucks is that, like, for me to even hypothetically immigrate anywhere id have to have uh like thousands and thousands of dollars at least is what I've been led to believe. And that's IF you get approved through the immigration process? I hear some countries almost uh act like they really don't want you living there unless you're basically like a doctor or something

I just. I dunno? I don't think I would ever be able to afford it realistically, but sometimes I really worry about like for example, what if im still around in like 20 or 30 years and im aging and it's getting harder for me to work but I can't afford to retire or even just take a break? What if I ever need like, knee surgeries in the future? I've literally become terrified of aging and growing older because I know, I know i live in a country where if you don't have any savings to retire on, you work until you die. Jesus Christ one of my coworkers is 66 and they took her food stamps and her health insurance because :oh you're working TOO many hours during this horrible global pandemic!"

Oh, also, I still very much need mental health care, so definitely hearing that part is discouraging too 😥 it's kind of nice to imagine me being able to afford to move my family somewhere, but even I know that's not how it works because all family members have to be approved for immigration, its not like a coupon or anything.. Like. This genuinely keeps me up at night. I know I'm shitty and bitter about my sister but I constantly worry for her safety as a thin attractive young person in this country, and how she can't afford to go the therapy because, oh working too many hours, no state healthcare. I never posted about it but my mom lost her job and like, she has no savings? And student debt? And she's 57? It's getting harder and harder for her to work because she can't do any super physical tasks and she has chronic pain. And I constantly think "oh god my mom isn't going to be able to afford to retire. Oh god, my mom is going to be needing to retire and I won't be making enough money to help support her. What about my sister. Oh God oh god oh god" and I just. I have panic attacks almost every single day. Almost every day.

I just. I want to help my family. I feel like we're all just barely balancing on supporting ourselves and within the next few years everything could just completely collapse. I feel like. I feel like I have to be the one to save my family to try and get us out of here. I just constantly think about, CONSTANTLY , how I should literally just quit my job and kill myself because I don't see the point of working when I see what a lifetime of working got my mother: nothing but debt amd body pains. I just. I dont know if I can have a future here, but if I can't make any money here, how could I ever afford to hope to move elsewhere 🤦‍♀️ I'm just scared all the time. I wish I had actual skills. You know I'm only 25 Nf just for the few years I've been employed, I'm already getting repetitive motion injuries? Fucking working at McDonald's and Wendy's literally damaged my fucking elbows??? And now working at a grocery store is actually very the same and sometimes my entire body hurts after a week of working? It's like.... I'll just stop. I have to get ready for my shift and I'm sitting here starting to bawl my eyes out. I just. I have to keep telling myself I can only take it a day at a time because trying to think about my future upsets me so much

#i think thats really why im so upset that like that accusation eas made against me #im just a person who os really broke and scared and my family os struggling physically and emotionally too #i just am so desperate to try and get us somewhere where we can. not worry about doctors and being evicted every single year #im just scared

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plethodontidae · 3 years

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#rant tw #HHHHHHHHHH #so. college move in day right. this sunday at 5:30 pm #then college soccer preseason next week #Then in two weeks actual college classes start #i’m so nervous i’m so nervousshshdbfjejduhfnfj #im so excited to be in college and on my own and be independent but i’m so scared of it at the same time i don’t know what’s wrong with me #like i am literally terrified of doing something wrong when im on my own like if i make one mistake financially it’s all gonna go down hill #and i want to make a separate savings account just to save some money from each paycheck from a future job but my parents won’t let me #they think it should still be connected to the whole family for now #but how am i supposed to do things on my own when you can still wire money to my account . i just #idk so much of my anxiety is centered around the future and what im gonna do and how im gonna make money it’s so exhausting #because i don’t wanna stay here i wanna go somewhere else in my state but its much more expensive up there and like #i don’t wanna stay at home for an extra year and work bc i just don’t wanna keep living with my parents #like i WANT to be independent and i WANT to live on my own but i’m literally so terrified of it at the same time #i keep hearings stories about family members who are very much grown yet still financially depend on their parents n i Don’t Want To Be That #i wanna be financially independent and able to support myself but getting a job??? getting a job that pays enough to pay rent AND have money #for basic human needs like foot water clothing etc #we live in a Societyyyy and i hate it so much i hate that i worry about this when i graduated high school just 3 months ago #i just want to bury myself under a million blankets and never deal with responsibility ever again

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kingexpl0sionmurder · 3 years

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Body Electric - Kaminari Denki - Smut

Author: @kingexpl0sionmurder Pairing: Kaminari Denki/F!Reader Rating: 18+ (contains smut) Words: 5,491 Warnings: Sex work (Cam boy/girl), Quirkless AU, Aged-up Adult characters (someone is in grad school! wow!), mentions of masturbation (both male and female), mentions of casual ShinKami, established KiriBaku, Idk they are all just really sexually liberated and don’t care about watching each other cum. Is that voyeurism? I’m bad at tagging things. Title taken from a Lana Del Rey song. AN: Another BNHarem collab piece! The theme was sex work, and I have wanted to do a camboy Denki for a long time so here we go. This was really smutty in my head but Denki makes me soft and it turned out really cute in the end, I’m sorry? He’s such a dork I feel like any sexual encounter with him would just turn out like this in some way, idk. Thanks to @unbreakablekiribaku and @sailorsero as usual for being supportive of me. Happy birthday to @lady-bakuhoe and @burnedbyshoto 🎂🎂 There is no one else I would rather be birthday triplets with!

Please check out the Collab Masterlist: HERE Look 👀 at My Masterlist: HERE Buy me a Kofi if you’re scared of clowns too: HERE

---

Sighing, you sat up on your elbows, squinting at the chat on the screen, willing your heart to stop pounding and your breath to even out. The donations were pouring in, the chat moving so fast you couldn’t even read it. “Alright, lovelies, I hope you enjoyed that. Be right back and we’ll chat a little bit, okay?”

Donations popped up, the chat slowing a little as the clients who only came to jerk off to you left, leaving those who considered themselves true fans. You stood and made your way to the bathroom to pee, rinsing your toy off in the sink and washing your hands. You went back to your room, pulling on a hoodie and settling in front of the screen again.

“Alright, I’m back! I have some time for a few questions and then I have to go for the night. Let me see what we got!” You scanned the chat, ignoring the normal inappropriate questions. Mindfucker: Do you know who Chargebolt is? Cause I heard he watches your stream.

Your heart, which had finally slowed to a normal rhythm, picked up again. You most definitely knew who Chargebolt was. You gave him a good amount of money from your donations when you watched his cam shows yourself. “I do actually, he’s pretty popular on here, isn’t he?” You sat back a little, furrowing your brows. “How do you know he watches me?”

RedDaddy: He did a Q&A and mentioned your channel! Told everyone to check you out.

You recognized the names of the viewers and knew they were also regulars on Chargebolt’s streams as well, so you believed them. Chargebolt was gorgeous and funny, just your type. The knowledge that he was interested in you enough to watch you get off on camera was flattering. You hoped your blush wasn’t showing on your face.

“I’m surprised he knows who I am!” You had missed the last Q&A he’d done, since it hadn’t been on his normal streaming day, and you’d been stuck at work late. Leaning forward again, you bit your lip, looking into the camera from under your lashes. “Can I tell you guys a secret? I watch him, too. Why do you think I never do shows on Thursdays? That’s Chargebolt day.” With a wink you sat back, trying to will the blush from your cheeks. Mindfucker: I knew it! I bet he’s watching right now. You smiled, shrugging. “I hope he enjoyed the show, then!” You tried to hold it together, suppressing the urge to burst into a fit of giggles at the thought, answering a few more silly questions from your regulars, before signing off for the night, promising to be back again the following week.

You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding, leaning your head back and groaning. It was wild that the guy whose cam shows you watched on the regular, the one who had inspired you to start your own, who you thought of half the time when you were filming yourself getting off on camera for strangers, knew who you were and was one of your viewers.

It brought you down a whole rabbit hole for a second, wondering if he got off on you getting off. Why else would he watch? Did he ever donate? You assumed he had a secondary account so you wouldn’t know it was him even if you tried to look at your past viewers, just like you had a secret account so you could watch him as well.

Cracking your eyes open, you clicked to view the donation tallies for the evening. You’d made enough to pay the rent on your apartment for the month in just one night. Sometimes you wondered how you ever managed to survive before you started doing this. It was meant to be a temporary side job, but you’d been running this cam channel under the screen name Neko for over six months, and you had clawed your way out of debt in such a short time, it didn’t make sense for you to stop.

You viewed a few more visitor stats with interest, before logging off the computer and shutting the laptop. You had to get to sleep for your real job in the morning, so you figured it was time for bed, pushing thoughts of Chargebolt to the back of your mind for now.

It wasn’t until later when you were lying down to sleep, that you thought of him again. Your eyes closed as you ran through a scenario in your head, wondering if he would mention you on Thursday, and what would come of all this? You had noticed your viewer numbers had spiked that day, so it was definitely beneficial that you’d caught his eye. You just weren’t sure what would happen next.

Denki was grinning into the camera, wiping the cum off of his abs with the towel he kept beside him, his chest and cheeks flushed pink. He adjusted in his chair, tugging the toy out of his hole and chucking it to the side, pulling his boxers back up over his softening cock. “I hope it was as good for you as it was for me, babes.”

He chuckled at the comments flooding the chat as he reached for his water and took a sip.

Tapeman: As always, you never disappoint me, Chargebolt.

“Hey thanks, Tapeman! I appreciate you always coming to hang out...get it? Coming?”

Mindfucker: Ridiculous.

“Aw, you love me, Mindfucker.” He winked at the camera. “So, did you guys enjoy my Q&A the other day?”

The chat filled with praise, making him grin. He loved to talk to his fans, and sometimes they had some great questions for him. He knew a lot of people just watched him as a way to get off, but he liked to give a little piece of himself to them because he knew that most of the people who watched were probably lonely, and he wanted to help with that in some way. He kept things laid back, joking and laughing with his viewers before and after the show, taking requests and doing his best to remember some of the regulars. Some of the few who had been with him from the beginning he’d made into moderators to help with keeping things somewhat orderly in the chat. Some of them he actually knew in real life, like his roommate Hitoshi, who used the alias Mindfucker.

Mindfucker: So are we going to talk about Neko? Denki’s eyebrows rose. “Oh, you mean the stream the other day? It was…” He made the appropriate motion as he said it. “Chef’s kiss, immaculate. She’s so beautiful…” Trailing off, he let himself think back to the way your chest heaved and the face you made when you came. “I would do anything for her, man.”

RedDaddy: Dude, I agree! She’s also super sweet, like, the total package.

Sighing, he leaned his elbow on the desk, his cheek resting on his palm. “I am a simp, my guy.” He sat up, squinting at the chat. “She said she watches, right? Is she here right now?” He scanned the names of the viewers, frowning. “She probably has a second account. Well, if you’re here, Neko, you should hit me up. I read all of my DM’s okay?” He grinned, winking again. “Alright, I have to go feed the cats so I’m outie 5000, thanks for hanging out and I’ll see you guys next week!”

He said his goodbyes, ending the stream and sighing. He wiped off his toy with the towel and clicked through his stats for the day, smiling at some of the comments that came with the donations. Hitoshi came into his room a few minutes later, holding one of the cats, an orange tabby named Miso, in his arms. “I fed them, you don’t have to.”

Was it weird that his roommate watched him fuck himself on toys and jerk off on the internet on a weekly basis? Nope. Denki had forgone all sense of modesty when it came to sex a long time ago, and Hitoshi was the same. It helped that they fucked around on occasion, best friends who got lonely and lived together sometimes did that, he guessed. Or maybe they were weird. It was whatever, he didn’t like to think about it too much.

“What would I do without you, Toshi?”

“Kill the cats, probably.” He deadpanned, leaning in the doorway. “Burn all the toast you try to make, buy the wrong peanut butter, eat Cheese-Itz for breakfast every day, forget to pay the cable bill.” He raised his eyebrows. “I can keep going.”

“Fuck off, I got the all-natural peanut butter once, it was an accident!” Denki threw his soiled towel into the laundry basket by the closet and picked up the toy he’d used, waving it around a bit. “Did you enjoy the stream?”

Hitoshi snorted, eyeing the dildo warily. “I didn’t really watch, I had my eye on the chat. I was looking for Neko.”

“Man, I can’t believe she’s a fan!” He waved the dildo some more, watching as it jiggled. “I would let her do unspeakable things to me.”

“Look out, your sub is showing, Denki.” Hitoshi teased. “But I agree, she’s pretty great. I wonder if she’ll ever do private shows.” Pausing to scritch Miso behind the ears, he continued. “I’m sure they’d be in high demand.”

Denki stood, pointing at Hitoshi with the dildo. He really needed to put it down somewhere and stop brandishing it around like a sword. “Don’t even, I’d spend all my money on that girl.”

“I know you would.” He chuckled. “I did try to go through the usernames and see if I could find out who she could be, but I didn’t have any luck.”

“It’s okay! I’m leaving it up to fate now, man. If the universe wants us to know each other, we will.” He stuck his thumb towards the ensuite. “I’m going to wash my ass and then we can play Among Us if you want.”

Hitoshi, completely unphased as usual, nodded. “I’ll get a team together. Check the discord when you get out.”

Humming, Denki made his way to the bathroom, picking up his phone on the way. It buzzed as he closed the door, and he glanced down to see he had a message from his other moderator and friend, Eijirou, aka RedDaddy. Tossing the dildo in the sink, he looked down at the screen and opened the message.

Eiji: No luck on finding Neko on the stream, but she said she never misses a Thursday, so I bet she was there.

Denki: Thanks for keeping an eye out, man. I appreciate you. Among us in 30?

Eiji: Bet. I’ll ask Kats to play too.

Your next stream day had you feeling nervous. Chargebolt had talked directly at you on his last stream, asking you to slide into his DMs, and you had yet to take him up on it. You didn’t know what you were so scared of, Chargebolt was a nice guy. You chalked it up to the fear of the unknown. If you sent him a message, what would you even say? ‘Hey dude, nice cock?’ It was bound to be a disaster.

Pushing your nerves back down, you made sure you were ready for your stream, excited for the news you were about to drop on your viewers. You were needing a little extra cash due to some unfortunate car trouble, and you’d figured out a way to make up what you needed in record time.

“Hey everyone, welcome!” You smiled at the camera, waving your fingers. “Thanks for coming! I see a lot of familiar names here tonight. Hi Mindfucker, Dynamight, RedDaddy, Tapeman, LightningMcQueen!”

LightningMcQueen: Hey, beautiful! I’ve been looking forward to this all week.

Dynamight: Chill out, McQueen, you look desperate.

RedDaddy: Be nice, Dynamight. Hi, Neko!

Dynamight: Fuck off, Shittyhair.

Mindfucker: How’s your cat, Neko?

“Be good, Dynamight. You’re lucky I know you don’t mean that!” You giggled at the antics of your regulars, smiling at the question about your cat. “Ichigo is doing good, Mindfucker, thanks for asking! I’ll bring her on camera after the show if you want to say hi!”

Minfucker just sent a cat emoji and you laughed, shaking your head. “I’m beginning to think that you’re just here for Ichigo and not me.”

The chat went crazy with people denying it, telling you how much they loved watching you every week. You lit up, feeling more excited about your news.

“So I have something I want to discuss before we get started today. I’ve decided I want to try out doing some private shows, so I’m going to be offering up a few spots. I’m going to give some of my longest and most frequent supporters a shot first, and if all goes well, then I’ll open them up to the rest of you! I’ll be adding a signup link at the bottom of my page after tonight’s stream, so if you’re interested you can apply and I’ll pick a few of you and we’ll work out a schedule! How does that sound?”

Dynamight: McQueen already has his credit card ready I bet.

“Aw, you don’t want to play with me, Dynamight?” You teased, giving the camera your best pout.

Dynamight: You couldn’t handle me, Princess.

LightningMcQueen: Hush. You’re a bottom, Dyna.

Dynamight: Die you fucking extra.

LightningMcQueen: Love you too, blasty.

“I was going to let you pick the toy today, Dynamight, but if you can’t behave then I’m just going to have to let someone else have a turn.” You gave the camera a disapproving look, frowning. You’d picked up that these guys were friends, so you knew they were just messing with each other.

A donation popped up from Dynamight with a comment attached.

Let McQueen choose this time, babe.

“It looks like Dynamight is going to let you choose, McQueen. Which one?” You pulled over the box you kept your toys in and showed it to the camera. “Pick a color.”

LightningMcQueen: Yellow

You pulled the yellow silicone out of the box and showed it to the chat, smirking. “I call this one Chargebolt because it’s the same color as his hair. Are you sure this is the one you want me to use?”

When your stream ended, Denki leaned back in his chair, taking a deep breath. The fact that he’d watched you fuck yourself with a dildo that you’d named after him was the hottest thing he could have imagined. He was jealous of that piece of bright yellow silicone more than he should be. He’d still enjoyed it, if the mess across his abs and chest were any indication.

He cleaned himself up and pulled on a shirt, clicking on the link for the private show signup. It was pretty straightforward, listing the price and how long the show would be, and asking for his username and what he would be interested in doing or seeing and what day would work best.

Staring at the form for a moment, he contemplated his options. He could sign up with his LightningMcQueen account, and he might have a chance. He was the first one out of his friends to find your channel one night when he was bored and horny. Then he’d shown it to Hitoshi and then shared your info with Eijirou, Katsuki, and Hanta. He would be considered one of the longest and loyal viewers like you had said.

However, if you got a request from Chargebolt? What would you do? Would you ignore it?

“Toshi!” He called out, knowing his roommate would hear him without him having to get up. “I’m having a crisis!”

The door opened, and the purple-haired man stood in the doorway. “I am not prepared to handle your bi panic right now, Denki.”

“Are you going to put in for a private show from Neko?” Denki pushed on, ignoring his friend’s exasperation.

“I spoke that into existence last week, you know. You’re welcome.”

Flopping back in his chair, Denki closed his eyes. “Should I send in the request with this account or with the Chargebolt one?”

Hitoshi shrugged, watching their cat Sashimi wander into the room. “You’ve wanted to talk to her for ages, man. You could have messaged her forever ago and you wouldn’t be playing this game with her. Sign up with your actual account.”

“I mean, she must think I’m cute, right? Otherwise, she wouldn’t watch.” He sat up, logging out of his secondary account and into his main one. He had a few unread DM’s, so he clicked, his breath catching in his throat. “Dude, look.”

There was a message from you, short but sweet.

Hi, Chargebolt. I don’t know if you saw the stream today, but you should check it out if you haven’t. I left it up for you.”

“She wants you to see her use that dildo she named after you.” Hitoshi patted his shoulder, and then bent down to pick up Sashimi. “I signed up but I told her I just wanted to have a date with her cat. She probably won’t pick me.”

“She will, she loves cats.” Denki clicked on your page and scrolled down to the bottom where the signup was again, letting it populate his main account in the information, and writing ‘any day except Thursday’ in the section for the time that worked for him. “I’m going to get this girl to date me, just you watch.”

Snorting, his roommate closed the door behind him as he left. “I believe in you, Pikachu.”

Once his request was submitted, he went back to his DM’s and sent you a message back.

“I was there, Neko. I never miss a stream. I submitted for a private show, so I hope you’ll pick me. I’ve been one of your viewers since the beginning, you know.”

---

In your head, you tried to plan what you would say once you were face to face (via camera) with the one and only Chargebolt. Everything your brain seemed to come up with fell short. What did you say to this guy, who you’d been simping over for over 9 months, who lit up your screen every Thursday with terrible puns and panty-dropping smiles? You knew exactly what he looked like and sounded like when he came. It was a strange thing to think that you knew that but you’d never actually spoken to him before.

It made you feel a little better when you realized he knew just as much about you. That he watched you fuck yourself on a dildo you’d named after him, and then spent the rest of the stream showing off your fluffy white cat Ichigo.

It was time to put on your big girl panties. You could do this.

Chargebolt had been one of the few that you’d chosen to do these shows with. He was also the last one. You’d met with 4 others, the ones who were the most active in your chat, the ones you assumed were actually friends.

Your first one was with Tapeman, who asked you to call him Sero. He was cute, with the widest, prettiest smile you’d ever seen. He made you laugh, and called you beautiful, and spoke to you in Spanish. You didn’t feel uncomfortable once with him, and the experience gave you hope that the rest would be just as nice.

Mindfucker was next, whose name was Shinsou and lowkey your favorite one. He didn’t want anything sexual at all, which surprised you. You sat with him and drank tea and you got to meet his two fur children, Miso and Sashimi, while he told you about his roommate. You let him admire Ichigo, and talked about music. He was sarcastic, but not in a mean way, and you were pretty sure he was going to be your new best friend.

RedDaddy and Dynamight had asked to do theirs together since they were dating. You wanted to question why they both watched your stream but RedDaddy, who was actually named Kirishima, answered it for you.

“We’re both bi, and we think you’re cute!”

“Yeah, plus McQueen has a thing for you so we like to be in the chat to help him out.” Dynamite, aka Bakugou, added in his gruff voice, folding his arms across his chest.

“Aw, that’s sweet!” You smiled at them. “He didn’t request a private show though, so I guess he doesn’t like me that much.”

Bakugou coughed and Kirishima grinned. “Maybe he was nervous! I’m sure you’ll meet him in one of these someday!”

“Enough about that dumbass.” Bakugou leaned forward, his hand on Kirishima’s knee. “Give us a show and we’ll give you one in return. Use that orange and green one for me, Princess.”

And give you a show they did. You got lost in how they looked at each other while they jerked each other off, and you were pretty sure they forgot you were even there at some point. When it was over, you suggested that they start their own channel.

Bakugou scoffed, but you could tell he was blushing a bit.

“I don’t know, Neko. I don’t think I could share him with anyone else. Except you, you’re the exception.” Kirishima grinned, winking at you.

But now it was Chargebolt’s turn. You made sure you had everything you needed, making sure Ichigo was out of the room, and then signed into your account.

Chargebolt was online, so you made the private room and sent him the request. You felt like you were shaking, and you checked yourself in the camera to make sure you didn’t look like a wreck.

You barely had time to breathe before he entered the chat, his camera screen coming to life and showing you his smiling face. You melted a bit, biting your lip, gazing at how attractive he was.

“Hey, Neko!” Chargebolt was as vibrant as ever, tucking his hair behind his ears, the black lightning bolt in his hair dark against the bright yellow of the rest of it.

“It’s nice to see you, Chargebolt.” You tried to relax, rolling your shoulders back. “It’s kind of weird knowing you can see me too.”

He laughed, leaning back in his chair. You tried not to stare at his arms in the tank top he was wearing. Chargebolt had a small frame, but his muscles were defined. You’d seen him plow through an entire bag of chips on stream once, without pausing to breathe, so you assumed he must be one of those people with amazing metabolism that you envied. “You can call me Denki if you want, kitten.”

You choked on air at the nickname, trying to compose yourself. “Kitten?”

“Well, Neko means cat, doesn’t it?” He raised an eyebrow. “I won’t call you that if you don’t like it.”

“No!” You practically shouted. “No, I mean, it’s fine. I like it.”

“Sweet.” He grinned. “Man, I’ve wanted to get you alone like this for so long, and now I’m just feeling really nervous.”

“You’re nervous?” You were surprised. The always cool but super dorky Chargebolt was nervous because of you? “So am I.”

Chargebolt- sorry, Denki, rested his elbow on the desk, propping his head in his hand. “Well, glad to know I’m not the only disaster here. I’ve been trying to get the courage to talk to you for months, and then finally Hitoshi got me to talk about you on stream a few weeks ago, and now here we are.”

“Who’s Hitoshi? One of your regulars?” Knowing that you weren’t the only one who was sweating bullets had you relaxing a bit.

“Oh yeah, Mindfucker! You know him right? He did a thing with you the other day, didn’t he?”

Eyes wide, you stared at him. “Shinsou?”

“Yeah, that’s my best friend and my roommate. He said he showed you the cats.” He shrugged. “You picked all my friends for your private shows. Sero, Kiri, Bakugou, Shinsou.” He paused, smirking. “I forgot that you don’t know that I’m LightningMcQueen.”

“That’s you? I was wondering why they didn’t send me a request, but it all makes sense now.”

Denki shot you finger guns and winked. “Kachow!”

“Oh god, stop it.” You rolled your eyes.

He chuckled, grinning at you. “So, did Shinsou talk about me?”

You giggled, remembering back. “He told me a story about how his roommate mistook a fuzzball for a spider and spent the afternoon sitting on a table waiting for him to come home and kill it.”

“It looked like one of those freaky poisonous ones from where I was sitting. I was afraid to let it out of my sight in case it got away and then multiplied and killed me in my sleep or something.” He took a deep breath. “Spiders are terrifying.”

This man was amazing. “You are everything I always thought you’d be, you know that?”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment.” He sighed. “You have to have some kind of embarrassing story to tell me so I don’t feel like a fool. You’ve got to make it even.”

“One year my dad hired a clown to come to my birthday party. He walked in the front door and I jetted out the back door and hid in the garden until he left. Clowns are just as terrifying as spiders.”

Chargebolt laughed, and the sound made your stomach do a somersault. It was just as bright and happy as he was. “That is the cutest shit I’ve ever heard!”

“I’m glad my childhood trauma is amusing you.” You deadpanned, trying to keep the smile off your face.

“Aw, don’t be like that kitten! I’m glad we can bond over our irrational fears like this, you know?” He

You shivered happily. “Okay, okay.” You cleared your throat. “So, you didn’t write anything down here for what you wanted out of our chat today.”

“Oh, okay, down to business then.” He sat up straight. “Well, I wanted to tell you myself instead of submitting it on the form.”

Intrigued, you raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t want to give me a chance to back out?”

Snorting, and shook his head. “Nah, I think you’ll like it, kitten.” He folded his hands behind his head. “I want you to tell me what to do. I’m at your mercy.”

Swallowing thickly, you blinked at him. That was...really hot. “You like being told what to do?”

“I would love nothing more for you to pull my hair and peg me within an inch of my life while calling me your little cock slut.” He stared at you with an eyebrow raised, looking pleased with himself when he saw your expression.

Your thighs clenched together involuntarily. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, right? I mean, I’m a switch, I’d do the same to you if you asked. But we can save that for next time.” He smirked. “So, you down?”

Next time? This man was going to kill you. “Take off your shirt, Denki.”

“Fuck yes.” He groaned, reaching behind him and tugging the garment over his head.

His chest and abs came into view, and you let your eyes linger on the barbells through his nipples. “Pants too.”

He pushed his chair away from his desk and shimmied out of his shorts, kicking them to the side. You gazed at him in his blue boxer briefs, eyes lingering on his thin waist, strong thighs, and the outline of his cock. He was a sight to behold, honestly.

You held the fangirling back, leaning forward to get a better look at him. “Do you have any toys, Denki?”

“Of course, Kitten.” He moved out of view for a moment, coming back with a box.

“Let me see.” He tilted the box towards the camera, your eyes flitting over the different colors and shapes inside. “The pink one.”

“Okay, hang on, let me-” He cut off, standing up and throwing the pink toy on the bed. He picked up the laptop and moved it, laying down beside it and angling the camera so you could see what he was doing.

“Did you stretch yourself, baby?”

He made a noise that sounded like a whine in the back of his throat at the pet name, obviously pleased by it. “Yeah, of course I did.” He glanced at the screen. “You should, uh, take your shirt off too.”

“I thought you wanted me to tell you what to do, not the other way around.” Teasing him, you crossed your arms over your chest.

He pouted slightly. “I’ve been good so far though, right?”

“All you’ve done is take off two items of clothing and move to the bed. You’re gonna have to work harder than that!”

Huffing, he lifted his ass off the bed and tugged his underwear down his legs, kicking them off, his hand already moving to wrap around his already hard cock.

“Did I say you could touch yourself, Denki?” It was getting hard to keep up the stern act you were putting on, but you knew it was what he wanted. You wanted to watch him touch himself, watch the way his eyes fluttered closed when his thumb brushed over the leaking head of his cock, and the way he would bite his lip when he moved his wrist a certain way.

You could be patient though, so you continued.

“If I was there right now, what would you want me to do first?”

He stilled, blinking at you a few times. “I would want your mouth first, I think.”

Humming, you sat back, pulling your shirt over your head, letting him admire the lacey purple bra covering your chest. “You’d want my mouth on your cock? Trace my tongue along that vein along the underside and suck on the head a little?”

Denki groaned, closing his eyes, his grip visibly tightening around his shaft. He looked like he was trying not to get worked up too fast. You were amazed at how your words were affecting him, so you pressed on.

“I’d take you all the way down until I was choking on it, and I’d let you hold onto my hair and fuck my face. God, you don’t know how many times I've dreamed about doing that for you. What would you say to that?”

The blush spreading down his neck and chest made him look so pretty. “Ugh, fuck kitten, you’re killing me.” He swallowed hard, opening his eyes to look at you again. “I’d tell you how good you made me feel, but I wouldn’t let you finish me off that way.”

“Oh no? Tell me what else you’d do.” You took the opportunity to move to the bed yourself, pulling off your leggings and panties all at once.

Eyes glued to you while you unclipped your bra and threw it across the room, he continued. “Fuck, um, I would...god, you’re beautiful.”

Flushing at the compliment, you looked down shyly, breaking character. “I’ve heard you say that before and I still don’t believe it.”

Denki scoffed. “If you need a daily reminder, I’d be happy to be the one to tell you, kitten.” You could hear the sincerity in his voice, and it made your heart do a little flip. “I might seem like a dumbass but I’m using this camboy money to pay off my student loans for my masters in English lit so I can quote you entire sonnets from Shakespeare without hesitation if that will help you believe me.”

Your eyebrows shot up, impressed. Realizing you’d ruined the moment, you sighed, covering your eyes with your hand. “I’m sorry, I’m crap at this. I really just want to watch you cum.”

Chuckling, you heard him shifting on the bed. “Okay, how about this? Forget the toys. Just close your eyes and listen to me.”

“Okay.”

“If you were here with me right now, just like that, I’d spend so much time exploring every inch of you with my tongue. I’d start with your lips, your jaw, your neck. Collarbones, shoulders, your chest, those cute nipples-”

“How are nipples cute?” You interrupted with a snort.

You could hear him trying not to laugh, his voice pitched a bit higher. “Shh, don’t ruin it.”

“I think you just did when you said ‘cute nipples’.” You’d never had this much fun with someone in a situation like this. “If I had a dick, my boner would have just died.”

Denki wheezed, and you opened your eyes to look over at him. He was gazing back at you, his eyes bright as he laughed into his palm. “God, I like you so much, kitten.”

Your grin softened, your heart pounding at his words. “Me too, Denki.”

#kaminari denki #kaminari denki x reader #kaminari denki smut #denki kaminari #denki kaminari x reader #denki kaminari smut #bnha x reader #mha x reader #bnha smut #mha smut #kingexpl0sionmurder writes #bnharem collab

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wheredidhiseyebrowsgo · 3 years

Note

Do you have any fics involving children. Preferably stiles or Derek's but I'm not fussy. Thank you xx

Sure thing!

A Wild Heart's Desire by mikkimouse

(1/1 I 13,410 I Teen)

If there's one thing Stiles Stilinski knows, it's that Deputy Derek Hale absolutely Does Not Like him. The only reason Derek even tolerates him is because their kids are worryingly codependent.

So Stiles is understandably confused when a very feral Derek shows up in his backyard after a call gone wrong and proceeds to move in with him.

That Which You Cannot Undo by uraneia

(1/1 I 28,181 I Explicit)

By twenty-eight, Stiles has resigned himself to a quiet life of working in his magic shop, selling Jackson Whittemore fart-inducing tea, and looking after his goddaughter. It's a good life. But the quiet goes to hell when his sister, Lydia, shows up with a crispy werewolf in her trunk and a bite mark on her shoulder, because hard on her heels comes the hottest person Stiles has ever seen, and he happens to be looking for his uncle.

You know, the dead guy Stiles helped Lydia bury last night.

(Or: the Pracitical Magic AU nobody asked for.)

Somewhere I Belong by heartsdesire456

(1/1 I 30,815 I Teen)

When Stiles got an interview for an internship at Fangs & Fur magazine, the publication owned by the well known and widely respected alpha Talia Hale, he never expected it to be offered an actual job by Alpha Hale herself. He also never expected for his life to change so much after he met the man whose department he was assigned to.

Stiles was not prepared for Derek Hale's cub, either.

Trust me by madsmeetsmisha

(18/? I 32,590 I Explicit)

Derek Hale needed a nanny for his kids. Someone who knew about werewolves, someone who was persistent enough not to throw in the sponge as soon as the kids wouldn't behave, someone trustworthy. Could a young, very talkative man like Stiles Stilinski be what Derek was looking for?

our lives are changing lanes by grimm

(1/1 I 47,537 I Explicit)

There's a lot of screaming going on inside the first house Stiles visits. He isn't really worried, because it sounds like kids, but then the door opens and hi, says his dick, because the dude in front of him is gorgeous, built like a god with a face like thunder. Stiles wants to lick that solid jaw line. Hold the fuck on, says his cop brain, because the dude's got kids hanging all over him; one's on his back, skinny legs looped around his waist, and another two hanging off one arm, toes barely brushing the ground. There's a tubby toddler clinging to his leg like a koala, and he's got a baby tucked into the crook of the one arm that doesn’t have kids hanging off it. Stiles' mouth drops open.

"How many of those kids did you kidnap?" he asks before he can wrangle his brain into submission.

The man gives him a look that says what the fuck is wrong with you and snaps, "You think I'd subject myself to this on purpose?"

"Oooh," says one of the kids hanging off his arm. "I'm telling Mom."

Give It Up to Me by moon_star

(8/? I 49,841 I Explicit)

Derek is a single father and a full time attorney. Stiles is the new intern at the law firm. They find it extremely hard to work together, but it gets even harder when they start sleeping together.

Bundle of Accidental Joy by tearsandholdme

(20/21 I 66,411 I Mature)

Stiles is just trying to live a simple life. Have a job, pay his rent, and survive enough to eat his next meal. But then he's fired from his job, watches a mother abandon her baby, tries to stop her and picks the baby up, and now everyone thinks the baby is his. Even his very handsome and moody boss, Derek Hale, who forces the responsibility onto him at the cost of keeping his job or else.

Balancing on breaking branches by Anonymous

(15/20 I 67,613 I Explicit)

“Your kid,” Derek said slowly, “came running up to me. Tried to nuzzle a hole into my calf.”

Stiles let out a laugh. It sounded bitter. “Caleb wouldn’t just leave my side like that. Did you call his name?”

“I’m not a—”

“A child predator? That’s exactly what a child predator would say, Derek."

Waiting For Our Superman by tearsandholdme

(22/22 I 95,250 I Mature)

Derek knew the moment he opened the front door of his clean and pristine apartment to Stiles Stilinski holding a small boy, a cluster of bags, and a suitcase, he was screwed. In every way possible. Undone by the big brown eyes of a small child and his annoying, witty, and attractive father.

The Moon Lives (In The Lining of Your Skin) by Quixoticity

(28/30 I 131,436 I Explicit)

Stiles is doing fine. Okay, so he didn't expect to be a single father to an infant daughter at the tender age of twenty-three, but it's working out great. And no, he didn't expect to be a curator in Beacon Hills Museum, where weird things happen with no explanation, but he's rolling with it. And he seems to have acquired a new brother now that his dad's gotten engaged, which, odd, but hey, Stiles is flexible, and there's no such thing as too much love, right?

But then the next twist comes in the form of mysterious new neighbour Derek Hale, who is both insanely angry at the world (it's possible he's murdered people with his eyebrows alone), and adorably good with children. He's also in possession of a truly excellent butt.

Stiles is doomed.

Past, Present, and Future by Code_Zackary

(24/60 I 182,513 I Mature)

Deputy Derek Hale has just become a single parent, after adopting abandoned five-year-old Isaac Lahey, and drowning in his new responsibilities as a father, and Alpha. Add the babysitting of his new rookie partner, Jackson Whittemore, and the weight of his past bubbling to the surface, Derek isn't sure how he's going to keep his head straight.

Meanwhile, Stiles Stilinksi returns home to Beacon Hills to give his son, Scott Stilinksi, a better quality of life. However, raising a werewolf pup, as a human, is something he struggles handling on a daily basis. Stiles wishes nothing more than to find a werewolf willing to show his son "the ropes", so Scott can fit in with all the other pups come the first day of Kindergarten. But where would he ever find a werewolf willing to help a human?

When the two meet, their struggles in life will come to the forefront, as the loners become an invaluable support system for each other, and build a unique Pack all their own.

#teen wolf #sterek #stiles stilinski #derek hale #anon #kid fic

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