#bc i know this isn’t my healthy weight i just want to eat like a normal fucling person

[per1shed]

living with the knowledge that several times a day i could pass out and die from low blood sugar episodes

#ive had this for two years like every single day without fail #i have to eat every 3-4 hours or my blood sugar will drop so much that i pass out #it’s been better the last months but only bc i strictly ate every 4 hours or it would happen again and it still happened sometimes but #it’s been getting a lot worse again and i constantly have to eat and i think it’s enough now i can’t do this anymore i need someone to tell #what’s wrong #ive tried to have this checked sp many times but every time they dismissed it #and i know it’s not normal like who the fuck goes through this #i know it’s not diabetes but it could be a tumor in my pancreas which i want to get checked bc i can’t do this anymore #i gained 15kg last year bc of this and i hate to think about my weight but i don’t want to gain more #bc i know this isn’t my healthy weight i just want to eat like a normal fucling person #especially after recovering from anorexia and bulimia like i want to eat when i’m hungry and not bc i’ll pass out if i don’t #god i’m so tired what CAN my body do #l

[omatone-dnp]

.

#food tw #tw eating issues #tw weight discussion #I’ve lost like 4 lbs in the last 2 ish months #and I overall feel a lot healthier and more comfortable in my body #i know that sounds crazy bc it’s just 4-5 lbs #but I’m a very short woman lol #so 4-5 lbs makes a difference #but I’m trying to lose about 3 more #and I swear #it’s so difficult #and I don’t want to ruin my relationship with food #but I’m trying to eat in a calorie deficit and most days it’s hard!! #my deficit to lose weight is only 1200 calories #and I’ve been noticing that on the days I eat over 1200 or I eat unhealthy foods I feel guilty and bad about myself #which isn’t good #like today I stress ate a brownie goldfish and pretzels #when I should’ve had like greek yogurt and an apple #and it’s just hard to eat healthy-feel full-and I have a giant sweet tooth so eating desserts cannot be cut out #i feel like I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted and I stayed the same weight #but after I turned 21 it was like nope #other

[anaalnathrakhs]

oh god ed reddit is having the “uwu anorexia isn’t rooted in fatphobia my mental illness is not abt you” talk again please god help me

fatphobia doesn’t mean “being a meanie to fat ppl” i’m begging you to use critical thinking skills for five seconds and apply what you know about literally any other form of oppression to this situation.

people’s point isn’t that you having anorexia makes them feel bad and therefore you’re a bad fatphobic person.

they’re pointing out how the deeply ingrained fatphobia our society upholds, from misconceptions about health to moralization of looks and weight, including yes being jerks to fat ppl’s faces bc they’re fat, is affecting what you think about your own looks, weight, health, body, clothes, eating habits, etc.

the logic isn’t “you became anorexic because you hate fat people so much you never wanted to be fat yourself (and that makes you a bad person)” it’s “fatphobia is a prism that transforms the root cause of your ed into disordered thoughts, behaviors, and patterns (and unlearning fatphobia will help you with recovery and harm-reduction)”

like. it’s not for no reason that anorexia is a disorder that disproportionatedly affects women. it’s not for no reason that there’s sky high comorbidity rates for eds and ocd. it’s not for no reason that people who need control in their lives so badly that they develop a mental disorder abt it get obssessed with being skinny and not with being a sumo. it’s not for no reason that ppl who feel the need to retract to childhood due to trauma envy things like being skinny light and frail, instead of being a tubby baby. it’s not for no reason that there is an incredibly common anorexic thought pattern (internal and self-directed, don’t make me say what i didn’t say) that associaties restriction and weight loss with moral goodness.

for each of these there IS a number of exceptions, but you can see case by case how the root cause (trauma, need for control, for self-destruction, growing up poor, whatever you think is “unrelated to fatphobia” basically) is processed through the prism of the fatphobic culture we’ve all been raised in. some people just, voluntarily or not, deal with those root causes in different way, which might or might not be healthy. but it’s a consequence of ambiant fatphobia that “i should starve and be skinny about it” is a statistically pretty common response to this distress.

the point isn’t “it’s fatphobic that you don’t deal with your neuroses in a body positive way uwu” the point is that no matter how cool you are with fat people on like, a personal level, you’ve been (like the rest of us) bombarded with fatphobic thought patterns your entire life basically, both directly fatphobic things and reactions to this fatphobia. maybe spoken to you directly, maybe not. maybe about you maybe about other people. you live in a society that places moral values into looks and health, and also pushes some deeply rooted falsehoods about how those things tie into each other. you have a disorder defined by obsessive behaviors. maybe, just maybe, deconstructing the logic that those obsessives behaviors are based upon will help you deal with this disorder. and recover or reduce harm.

basically, anorexia isn’t “getting skinny disorder” it’s “obsession disorder”, obsession with looking attractive, or pleasing your family, or going back to being a kid, or being healthy, or being fit, or being driven and capable, or being worth saving, or having your suffering known, or having control over something, or whatever. the fatphobia that is omnipresent (and i repeat, omnipresent, nobody is singling you out as a bad fatphobic meanie, or even talking about your behavior towards other people around you) in our society picks the direction in which many many people will express that disorder.

of course if you live in a society that tells you “being fat is morally bad” at every turn, when you start developping an obssessive pathological need to control things, without another factor weighting in, most people’s default reaction will be anorexia. food is a regular fixture of everybody’s life, everyone wants to be morally good, and even if we know/understand/believe to an extent the flaws of that “fat = bad” logic we know the world around us still believes it, and nobody wants to be treated like shit. we can think it’s stupid and fight against fatphobia and work to treat fat ppl better in our lives and support body positivity, but in any case, one always judges oneself on different metrics than they judge others, cuz we control our self-improvement. that’s natural. just it doesn’t mesh well with a pathologically obssessive need for control above self-preservation.

#ed tw #ana #notprojusttags #proana #ed #last year i got into an argument abt this that was so potent #it caused me to turn all my childhood attempts of having anorexia into actually having purging disorder #out of fucking spite #guess what you dicks from last year i have anorexia now i still think you're wrong #in an act of good faith i'll say i'm ready to admit that maybe it's just that my debating skills suck #maybe i'm just a shitty argumentative writer #maybe i didn't formulate things right and that's why people got the wrong idea #and that's not a maybe i was not considerate enough of causes of anorexia that aren't related to weight directly #like food insecurity as a child and whatnot #however #no matter how bad the delivery might've been #we're not working with a completely different dictionary here #i remember people actively arguing with things i literally said the opposite of #you can't chalk everyone and everything up to that but man some ppl were really not in a state to have this kind of discussion #come back after your omad #broadcasting my misery #discourse #vent #fatphobia #fatphobia tw

[xxwiltedwisteriaxx]

GUYZ OMG!!!

I have OFFICIALLY lost 8 lbs in one week i’m so happy!!

⛧°｡⋆༺♱༻⋆｡°⛧ ⛧°｡⋆༺♱༻⋆｡°⛧ ⛧°｡⋆༺♱༻⋆｡°⛧

I’ve been omad-ing these past few days and honestly i forgot how easy it is?? Like all i do is sip on one monster all day which keeps my appetite suppressed and i don’t even wanna eat?? Sure i get rlly bitchy but it’s a small price 2 pay, at least my husband isn’t here for me to accidentally go off on him.. thatd prlly guilt me into recovery bcs i value our relationship more than this. He doesn’t know, he asks if i eat lunch and i tell him the truth, but still he doesn’t seem to catch on. Last night i told him about my rapid weight loss while masking it as “omg baby i’ve been eating healthy and i’ve lost 8 lbs since i’ve been home!!” Maybe it’s because i’m fat as fuck and it’s normal for people of my size to lose a lot of weight quickly at the beginning of a diet..

N E WAYZ

I just wanted to share that weighing in this morning was a hugeee motivator!! LUV U GUYZ!!!

#ana trigger #tw ana trigger #tw disordered eating #2000s emo #ana & mia #eating disoder trigger warning #ed not sheeren

[kermitmentality]

i need to rant

today has been such a shit day

i finished a longer fast a couple days ago (like 80 smth hours) and that’s great but i’ve gained like half the weight back (ofc)

and ik it’s already harder for me to lose weight bc i have pcos

but guys, disordered thoughts aside and stuff i just want to look healthy and get to a healthy weight without all this shit

it’s making me so depressed and i finally got myself out of that

i’m so tired of the thoughts and of fasting and going thru more honeymoon phases and then gaining it back and hating myself and doing it more just to gain it back

and i know nutrition so well. i think if i wanted to i could lose the weight the healthy way. it’ll be slower but hey i’ll still have control, it may turn into orthorexia but i’m fine with that

i just want to like my body and be confident for college and for graduation and stuff but not gain back the weight a week later

i’m so tired of this shit like i’m on the verge of tears and i just don’t even know

it’s almost tempting to just be like hey mom i’ve been struggling with an ed all these years i told u i wasn’t but i’m gonna change now

but i don’t wanna do that for many reasons lol, the main being that if they put me in some program and the healthy weight loss isn’t working then i’ll just wanna go back to ed

guys idk what to do like should i just try to lose weight healthily??

but does that mean i have to eat 3 meals a day? bc guys that scares me so much i’m so scared of eating breakfast AND lunch at school AND dinner omg no i can’t do it

i just want to lose weight and not be fucking fat and i hate this i hate myself i hate my genetics i hate all those bitches that made me like this and i want to die

that’s it i’ll just die

i should really just fucking kill myself

[lannisterdaddyissues]

Ahhh sleepover!! 😆 need to know all your pennymav headcanons and also how was your day?

OMG SLEEPOVER WITH THE BESTIE WHAT WILL WE DO 😝💕🎶

^us rn <3

as for my day, it was really good!!!! i visited my parents today, we went out to dinner at this really nice backwoods restaurant! they had really delicious seafood and it was run on a farm, so they had a whole garden out back with a bunch of farm animals to go look at, plus i got to meet two of the restaurant cats and they were soooo sweet 🥺 one of them jumped up on the railing whenever i walked by because it wanted me to pet it and i just ughrsdghsrgfh kitties 💗

anyway PENNYMAV HEADCANONS !!!! GOD I LOVE THEM SM I WAS SO EXCITED TO SEE THIS IN MY INBOX BC I CANNOT THINK ABOUT THEM ENOUGH <33333 THEY ARE SO IMPORTANT TO ME

so without further ado, the goods:

penny was the first person mav serenaded in a bar when they were younger

penny liked to think she had high standards but mav had her as soon as he opened his mouth

he still sings to her in private but don’t make the mistake of asking him to sing in public. that right belongs to penny and penny alone

penny was actually the one who convinced mav to steal the f-18

she was literally insane back then

mav tells this story to everybody but they never believe him because penny is literally god’s perfect angel

penny thinks this is hilarious and gaslights him about it because she thinks it’s cute when he gets mad

mav is so easy though. all it takes to earn his forgiveness is a kiss on the cheek. #simp

brunch dates are their thing

they do go out for fancy dinners every once in a while, but casual settings are actually preferred because they don’t want to force their relationship, keeping things chill and low-key is fine with them

also, penny is OBSESSED with breakfast food

her go-to order is a stack of buttermilk pancakes with powdered sugar and fruit on it because she loves sweets and fruit

mav just orders something healthy and boring like avocado toast lol. he’s a health nut with terrible taste in food (seriously he would eat a brick if you served it to him on a plate, he tastes no

difference)

penny highlights her hair now because it used to be more naturally auburn when she was younger and she misses the color

her hair was actually the first thing mav noticed about her when they first met, he thought it was so prettyyyy

penny cannot stand roaches and spiders so mav has to play brian pest control in her house once every few months

for real if penny sees a roach it’s game over. she will scream and wail like a banshee until mav finally ambles over to get rid of them for her, she’s so pathetic about them

on the other hand penny LOVES lizards because being a reptile enjoyer is her weird girl trait. there are lots to be found at the hard deck too which is great

more often than not if amelia isn’t sitting at the bar doing homework she’s out back chasing lizards. if mav isn’t inside either then he’s out there with her

aside from de-roaching her house, mav is also penny’s personal handyman

need your lights strung up? he’s your man

need your appliances fixed? he’s your man

need repairs done on your car? he’s your man

need kisses on your forehead? he’s your man

mav gets sleepy when he’s drunk and his favorite place to nap is on penny’s chest

“she’s soft and she smells nice” - mav 2k19 (he’s no thoughts head empty for her when he gets like this)

penny loves it when he naps on her. it’s like having a heated AND weighted blanket rolled into one

however sometimes said blanket will awkwardly grope her on accident (or was it…) in the middle of the night and that’s always fun

the 86 squad jokingly buy mav wife guy t-shirts as gag gifts but he loves them and wears them unironically all the time

examples include:

“PROPERTY OF MY HOT WIFE”

“MY WIFE SAYS I ONLY HAVE TWO FAULTS 🌠 I DON’T LISTEN AND SOMETHING ELSE.” (purchased by hollywood)

“MY WIFE HAS AN AWESOME HUSBAND”

“THIS GUY HAS A 👉 CRUSH 👈 ON HIS WIFE”

mav being an old guy gets really sore sometimes and penny gives the most incredible massages

if she hadn’t opened the hard deck she could’ve been a masseuse fr

she has such soft hands!!! and her nails feel so good when they scratch his back just ufhrsgfhrsghgr

mav is in heaven rn

AAAAA AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE FOR NOW BUT THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE IT’S PAST MIDNIGHT I’M SURE I COULD THINK OF MORE IF I TRIED HARDER

also… ahaha… nsfw headcanons beneath the cut if you want… 😳👉👈

young penny and mav were both shameless harlots and had a pretty sexually open relationship

naturally this means they got into lots of threesomes because hell yeah

they’re pretty private about their sex life now though because they like to keep that part of each other all to themselves… hehehe

BUT if cyclone ever decides to take penny up on her offer he knows where to find them ;)

penny is such a lingerie girl she could be a victoria’s secret model

she likes to surprise mav with new sexy lil pieces she finds online, it keeps things spicy in the bedroom

his face is always a national treasure every time she brings out something new

if you think seeing them on her is good though? imagine how good she looks when he takes them off for her

the only thing better is how good it feels when he takes them off for her

mav is a master of the art of cunnilingus

he’s sucked so much dick between relationships you can’t tell me he doesn’t know how to use his tongue

he gets hard instantly when penny sits on his face (and he’s real for it honestly have you SEEN young jencon!!! she has the sexiest thighs i’ve ever seen in my life i want them to choke me)

if mav is a master of cunnilingus then naturally penny is the mistress of the strap

she definitely pulls mav’s hair when she fucks him

the moans he makes are OBSCENE

they have crossed off every item on their sex bucket list

fuck on a boat

fuck on a beach

fuck on the dock

fuck in a bathroom

fuck in a car

fuck in a plane

fuck in her dad’s bed

fuck in her dad’s office

fuck by a window

i cannot believe i just typed all of this jesus please forgive me

#ask #reply #calkale #mutual #tgm #pennymav #headcanons

[just-rogi]

I just had a follow up with my dr after my blood work came back and she told me I need to get down to 135-140 lbs. 130 ideally. My BP is phenomenal my lipids and cholesterol too but I should cut out everything that isn’t water, and eat smaller portions and run more- god I get a drinkie once in a while as a treat but now I’m losing that too. Man I want to scream… its literally not fair bc everyone else can eat whatever they fucking want and be skinny, I’m literally 100% vegan eating exclusively rice lentils beans and LOTS of green vegetables. Like that’s fuckjng it Im not a French fry and Oreo vegan (tho that’s fine too it’s just not my regular diet). I eat intuitively and that means I usually never finish my meal or clean my plate so I don’t over eat. My ‘special girl treat’ is fucking fresh fruit. I TREAT myself by buying like cherries… I don’t drink soda (if I do it’s a v rare Diet Coke), I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t drink juice, I drink unsweetened iced green tea and honey or coconut water… I don’t even eat three meals a fucking day- I get like one or two bc I don’t get hungry until 4:00pm!! I don’t even eat desert super regularly because there just isn’t a lot of vegan options that taste good!!! I don’t own a car so I literally have to walk everywhere and would walk to work every day- rain or shine- 30 minutes there and back!! It’s not fucking fair. I’m tired. I’m angry. What the FUCK man I don’t know what to do! My dr doubled down during my follow up that I NEED to lose weight but I don’t know what more I can do!! Why do I have to eat less of my already super limited diet but my roommate can come home from work eat three hotdogs and Mac and cheese and wine and be healthy!! It feels like I’m fighting a fucking uphill battle constantly!! Like fuckjng hell!! I don’t know what to fucking do??? Like I literally don’t know what more I can cut out! It’s just not fucking fair I’m doing everything right! I’m also literally a size small in all my clothes!! I don’t know where I’d even lose 25 lbs from!! It’s just such fucking bullshit that I can be so goddamn on top of my fucking health and go to the doctor and get told I’m obese but other 21 year olds are eating pizza and drinking and are fine fuck me this sucks everything Sucks and I can’t even cry in my room with a tub of icecream about it bc I’m a fuckjng vegan!!! FUCK!! Like I’m NOT going back to counting calories I cannot do that again I won’t let myself- I’m mentally healthy FINALLY not throwing that away- but I literally don’t fucking Know how much less I can eat!! I hate it! I hate it so much!!! Why can’t I be mentally healthy and physically healthy at the same time! Why the duck is it that the second I recover from years of unhealthy restriction I’m told to lose weight!! Why can’t I do anything in moderation Jesus fuck it’s not fuckjng fair!!! Man!! Weight doesn’t matter and it’s not an indication of morality but I’ve fought SO hard to be healthy and eat a balanced diet WHY CANT I WIN ONE FUCKJNG THING!! Why do I have to be either obese or literally starving myself god fuck I was DONE with goal weights and calorie counting but for the second appointment in a row I was told I’m obese now and NEED to lose weight and will have a follow up in three months. There’s just no winning. I just want to eat my stupid rice and vegetables and beans and drink my stupid green tea and water and mind my business and be 130 lbs but that’s too fucking much to ask for I fuckjng guess FUCK great fuckjng time to start the fucking 1989 era again Jesus Christ man I’m just so frustrated especially when I see my roomates laughing and having fun big meals- one of my male roomates eats bacon Mac and cheese or half a meat pizza and that’s dinner and he’s fine! And I try so hard not to be jealous of people who can put anything in their bodies and be the bmi their doctor told them to be but GOD it’s SO hard to NOT feel shame and frustration after my appointments when I’m told point blank that I’m obese and need to drop 25 lbs I’m just fucking tired man

#tw food #tw weight #tw weight mention #tw weighloss

[flockofdoves]

finally finally finally(!!!) got to go to have my first appointment with my new primary care doctor after her having such a long waiting list (even though it still was way shorter than other doctors ppl in a local lgbt fb group recced as being good with fat patients) and then having my first scheduled appointment last may canceled due to her having a family emergency

and god. started tearing up afterwards. ive never had such a good doctors appointment in my life.

she ordered the tests i asked about and gave me the sleep doctor referral i needed but then also went above and beyond and was thorough with ordering even more tests for stuff that occurred to her

it was so validating like i was trying to step around like ‘a friend with sleep apnea really encouraged me to look into getting a sleep study done and i already did one of those take home ones where you tape a little thing around your finger last year and it was negative but idk i thought maybe if possible i’d want to look into it still in case its something beyond obstructive sleep apnea’ and she was like yes of course! but then also asked ‘did the test you did at home come with any head gear?’ and when i was like ‘no just the finger thing the uhhh. blood oximetry light thing’ she was like ‘pshhh the only decent at home tests have head gear, thats nothing! and of course even then it doesnt look into a whole lot of other sleep issues’ which god. was sooooo affirming

and she was so upfront about the referral like ‘look. most sleep specialists around here are old cis white men who can be super intimidating and i’ve had issues with them misgendering my patients, if you tell me something like that happens i’ll always advocate for you, i’ve done it before, but just know that even if they dismiss you in the moment, while you shouldn’t have to go through that, you’re just there to get the results of those tests and i can help you advocate for what you need from there. not saying that to scare you off from doing it at all i’m writing the referral right now! but just i feel like to be responsible even if i know that type of doctor isn’t something new to most people, i still should give you that warning. i’d definitely recommend bringing a friend to your appointment with them if you can’

i know from people saying in the fb group that she is lgbt herself, but in addition to that the way she mentioned neurodivergence and me being autistic when referencing my medical history and also connecting it to other stuff i feel like she also has personal experience w that herself it was really cool

and god i still eased into it a bit despite literally going to her bc ppl said she practices HAES but the way she just seemed to totally Get all my stuff with my atypical restrictive eating disorder and experience with fatphobia in recovery and never mentioned my bmi and unprompted (when describing another medical concept with it as a relevant example) dismissed the idea of intentional weight loss diets as healthy for anyone

and both was really responsive to and appreciative of me just coming with a list of stuff i was thinking about and advocating for myself but then also suggested certain diagnoses as stuff to look into based on just like. normal listening to me without me even trying to feed information to passively hopefully get care which was so affirming bc it was all stuff i’d been curious about if could be the case for me but didn’t want to prioritize to look into above the main stuff i came with after not having a doctor for so long

also found out she also specializes in obgyn stuff so i dont even have to find another doctor for that!!

its slightly nervewracking that my follow up can’t be til december (also between that and her being pretty late to my appointment to help another patient, it makes me feel like. god. this system isn’t set up for good caring doctors to succeed. i hope she never gets burnt out or anything) fortunately i can at least do some of the blood work basically any time i’m free so thats cool

but god im just so grateful!!! holy shit!!! :)

#cpost

[incrediblystupidpeople]

To the bone: *trigger warning*

I woke up this morning and did my normal in bed stretch before I got up out of bed. I usually twist and turn to pop and crack my body back into place after the terrible rotation of sleep I get. Sometimes I run my hands down and across my body to feel for any indentations that may have accrued over night, then I move onto getting up. This morning when I did my usual ritual I ran my hands across my hips, my shoulders, my rib cage… the bones I felt sticking out as my skin tightens across them. Almost so tight that if I hit the skin hard enough it felt like it would almost split and my bones would come pouring out. From jan 23 - April 24 I’ve lost 63kgs, currently sitting at 67 but was sitting at 130kgs for many years. My whole life all I wanted to be was “skinny” and I just got bigger and bigger. For as long as I can remember all I wanted to be was one of those girls that could stand with their feet together without their thighs touching, without their belly’s over hanging, without trying to push their collarbones out. I wanted that sickly to the bone look. I know that looking like that doesn’t necessarily scream sexy more sickly. And to girls who look like that never feel ashamed of your body because I idolise it. I just know there is stigma around it and people shouldn’t judge on what you look like no matter your size. But for me, that to the bone size was my everything. I dreamed about looking like that, even when i weighed more I would go through the most difficult phase to try make myself look like that but nothing worked for years. I used to share picture of girls with that figure to my old tumblr, I used to save pictures of girls that looked like that to my computer as dream bored goals. When I would tell people that’s how I want to look they would tell me all kinds of things, “that’s unhealthy”, “that’s to skinny”, “you’ll die if you look like that”. But I was completely and utterly obsessed with the idea of looking like that. I would rather get to be that size and that look, stand in the mirror and take one last picture of myself looking like that and fade away into death just so that their was proof I could be that skinny. I’m not saying everyone should look like that, I’m also not saying that their is anything wrong with looking like that, I know people can’t help but look certain ways, I know people have eating disorders (I am now that person also) and they can’t fix the way they look. But on my own personal level this is just how I have ALWAYS wanted to look. Siting at the weight I am now, I still want to push the scales and see less of a number, I know people will say it’s not healthy for me to want to archive that bc of my height and bla bla. But I just want to, again I have a disorder… my struggle I have now is that due to being the size I was vs the size I am now I have a lot of excess skin that stops me from looking “to the bone”. parts of my body catches the boney look around my neck, collarbones and when I’m laying side ways my ribs and hips are exposed. And in those moments I feel like I look just how I wanted, but when I stand up and gravity does its things and all my skin covers all the bone exposure I lose sight of the body image I want. The body image where you can see my skeleton through my sake of skin. It frustrates me to the core, I get so angry at myself for being the size I was and now it affects the size I want to be. It makes me want to pick up scissors and cut my own skin off and stick it back up tight enough all my bones are exposed. I am very aware this is triggering and not a good mind set to have. I have people on the daily telling me this. And I am self aware of the fact this isn’t healthy for my mind. But when you have wanted to look a certain way your whole life and there is finally a possibility for it… well I just can’t help myself.

My issue I have now that I have almost gotten myself to the size and way I have always wanted to look is that I’m unwell, sore, frail and faint. I can’t lift and move things like I used to, I can’t stand up and walk around without needing to sit down and take a breath, I move and stretch and my bones make loud cracking sounds or pop, and the worst of it all is I have to remember to eat at least one thing or I will faint… I guess when I started to want the look I was so desperate to have I didn’t really think of the consequences I would face. I knew from others that looked the way I wanted to look that these things were a potential but I didn’t care enough as long as I looked “boney”. I know that as I keep going in life there is the chance I will now start putting weight back on as I am able to eat more and also ensure I am eating in general and until I have my skin removed I’ll never see the girl with all the bones sticking out but sometimes I get close enough to looking like that and it makes me somewhat happy for 5 seconds. The proof of pictures of my bones sticking out through my skin reminds me that I “made it” to being who I wanted to be. Even though I put myself through hell to get here. When I’m allowed to have my skin removed I know that I will either be the same weight I am now or I would have put a couple more kgs on as I have to stay a consistent weight for at least 6 months to prove I will not get any skinnier. Doctors won’t remove skin from patients that have lost weight at a dramatic amount for a minimum of 6 months. after the surgery I had over 12 months ago due to still being able to lose weight for 2 years after the fact. And yes… I had to have surgery to get to this size. I am embarrassed of the fact but I am also very grateful. The surgery I had grantees 20/30kg lose, but most of the time it’s more sitting at an average of 40-50kgs but I pushed the limits of the fact that you never feel hungry and still have to feed your body and ran with it and lost more than was necessary. But that was my choice and my life events that took place that made me do that. I was convinced if I kept not eating the skin I had would go away, I kept pushing my limits of food and eating regularly just to see the scales drop that little bit more and to see if my skin would come back. But just like a rubber band that has been stretched around an object for a long time, the elastic starts to break and becomes no longer stretchy but worn. My skin did exactly the same. It no longer will “bounce” back… and that breaks my heart every day I look at myself naked. That my skin will always over hang because I was stretched for so long…

I guess the reason why I am writing this and sharing this here is because I took these photos of myself where I felt I could see the dream bored of the skinny girl I always admired to be, and I wanted to share how it’s all made me feel. I needed proof that I to can look like the body I’ve always wanted to even though it’s not exactly how I wanted to look. These photos will remind me that I got parts of my body to look exactly how I have always wanted them to look. But also a reminder that I took risks to be this way. I got unwell and sick, I harmed myself to get here. And I never really wanted to feel this way just to look this way but that’s what happens in the end. I want to continue to look this way, but I also want to make sure I am not going to push my limits of needed feeding tubes, needing someone to come with me places just incase I pass out etc. I recently fainted to the point I hit my head so bad I split my upper eye open. At first I was like “whatever” it happens but the more I spoke to people around how I did it the concerning faces I got was unbearable. Watching people you care for faces turn into shock as you tell them you split your face open bc you didn’t eat for days and passed out is more shocking than you think. It’s like watching someone watch a car crash. They can’t look away even if they want to. I realised I was the car crash… that the things I was doing to myself was creating a sense of worry to the people looking at me.

Anyways… that’s my so far story, for some who think this is wrong of me to want this body, look I understand but it’s what I want. And for those that might have this body I’m not disrespecting the fact that’s how you look, I’ve wanted this my whole life and I’ll forever want to look like that but I don’t have the family jeans to do so. I will only gain from now on but I just wanted one little moment of hope that I could keep this look forever.

[butteryunlikelylady]

tw: ED

I think I’m teetering on the edge of an eating disorder..

so I’ve been grieving for the last few months, the decline of my long term relationship and it ending in June. Two months ago I had to leave the apartment my ex and I shared, which I loved, and moved in with family into a room. My weight started dropping a few weeks before I had to move and it’s been dropping ever since.

As of today I’ve unintentionally lost 14 pounds.

I know exactly what’s causing it. I’m not eating. I’m fully aware of what’s happening; I’m fully aware that I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed before but I’ve been able to pull myself out of it for the most part…. But I’ve never had an issue feeding myself. I love to eat.

Of course as a woman I’ve always been super conscious of my weight and my body and how it looked. But when I used to exercise regularly, I was mostly doing it for health reasons and to stay active/maintain my healthy weight of ~153-155 lbs rather than to lose weight; I would eat three times a day; if I didn’t, I would get painful trapped gas and be hangry and cranky, etc. I loved to eat and needed to eat esp bc I was doing cardio and doing light weightlifting a few times a week.

Since moving, my healthy eating and exercise habits have been scattered. In addition to not liking my living situation (and not feeling that comfortable in the kitchen/not having much space here so I simply avoid it as much as possible), my appetite has changed due to my grief and depression. So I’m just not feeling hungry as often as I used to. And when I do feel hunger pangs, my brain doesn’t register it as a cause for action. Or not urgent enough to stop rotting in bed and go downstairs to make myself something to eat. Which has me eating 1 or 2 meals a day at random times and they vary in nutritional quality/heartiness.

Another disturbing part of this is I know this is bad. But I feel because of societal preferences for smaller, thinner women, my brain keeps telling me maybe this is a good thing. “Maybe it’s not so bad you’re losing weight, and you aren’t even struggling to lose weight like you normally do.” WHAT?!

My mum had to take up the hem of some stretchy yoga pants for me and as I was putting them on for her to measure, I had to jump a little bc obviously they’re stretch pants and she goes “Oohh Portia you might need to do a little more walking!!” Like WHAT?! Of course I internalized that shit and was like omg am I putting on weight/do I need to watch myself?? This was like two weeks ago so I was still actively dropping weight. And it’s not like she wasn’t aware of that….

Clothes that are meant to be tight/hugging on me are getting baggy and unflattering. My underwear is falling off me. And yet I keep thinking this isn’t a cause for concern bc smaller=better. I look in the mirror—and even though my physique isn’t even as nice as when I was working out regularly (I don’t have much time for working out since I started my second job)—I mentally give myself a thumbs up.

I keep wanting to get positive compliments on my smaller figure from men. In my head I imagine getting into sexual scenarios with men I’ve had sex with before (so like, two.) and them noticing how small I am and going crazy for it. That shit is so toxic I wish I could stop those thoughts. I want people to notice….? Like whether it’s out of concern or praising me? Absolutely sick!

And don’t even get me started on buying clothes. “Oh maybe instead of being a large/XL in clothes I’ll be a medium or a small! Yay!” Hoping and praying that I can start buying clothes in smaller sizes instead of worrying about my HEALTH. And still having to order a medium or large in things bc women’s sizing is so fucked.

I’m smaller and more frail and my tummy is still the biggest part of my body apart from my shoulders…. So my brain goes “yea maybe you’ve lost all this weight but you’re still fat/don’t have an hourglass shape. We could stand to lose more.”

And I know I will eventually have to put back on healthy weight when hopefully I come out of this dark ass period in my life but I’m terrified of that. I do not like seeing the scale increase. It’s been darkly satisfying seeing the numbers drop every time I weigh myself which is like 1-2 times a week at this point. I do not know how my brain is going to handle seeing my body fill back in and weight go up, even if I’m going back to my healthy 153.

ANDD my breasts, which I went through a whole surgery to get reduced (and they typically lift them a little in rdxn surgery), are sagging bc of the fat loss. So there’s that too.

I have so many more ugly thoughts I wanted to express in this post but my thumbs are tired…. I don’t really know how to stop this progression or how to stop these feelings in their tracks. I know if I don’t I could easily develop an eating disorder and I don’t want to have to go through recovering from that bc I just know it has to be hard.

#mine #tw ED #tw eating issues #tw eating disorder

[rogersstevie]

ohhh my god so like after my first meeting with my new primary care idk if i mentioned it or my mom just asked about how much weight i had loss and said she could tell i had lost some which i couldn’t tell but whatever i wasn’t too bothered bc it was relevant in the moment and i know i just need to accept that my family is Like This like i think everyone has struggled with their weight at some point or another and like i basically always have but also accepted that it’s not gonna change too much especially now knowing about my thyroid which ofc is genetic so again we’ve all dealt with it though idk how long it has been affecting me or anything if it’s always kept me from losing much weight or what

BUT like i got to the highest i’ve ever been for a while after college probably bc i was no longer walking places so once i started exercising i dropped a bunch and then basically stayed the same until i had to change my diet the last few months but i really don’t think it’s gonna change much more and hey i’m glad if it lowers my cholesterol but i think after the dramatic change in behavior had me lose like ten pounds it’s gonna stay where it is especially with the thyroid issue and like we live in a society i get it i lowkey care but i just have tried not to let it affect me as it did when i was younger because it is what it is and i wanna wear what i want and have a healthy relationship with food so like i just have a lot of other things to obsess over i am not gonna hate myself over this one

anyway i had just finished eating dinner (a dumb fucking 300 calorie lean cuisine and i have figured out for the most part how to get more calories throughout the day if i’m gonna be eating those) and my dad was just like “how much weight have you lost” and i was like i think i heard that right but i’m gonna ask him to repeat that which he did so he said he could tell and i was like “i don’t know” even though i do and he’s like “you don’t get on the scale?” and i said “i do at the doctor’s” which like i get curious at times but since it usually doesn’t change much i don’t bother checking bc again i don’t wanna obsess and he said he gets on the scale every day and “if i gain 2 or 3 pounds it’s coming right off, i don’t want anything to accumulate” LIKE what kind of thing is that to say there is absolutely an implication there and i guess he may not know about the thyroid thing idk if my mom shared that with him or not but it’s like dude I exercise more than you sooo isn’t that a significant thing i do even if i don’t lose weight about it (and he’s commented multiple times in the past about my eating frozen meals like i don’t comment on your habits why do you think you get to say shit to me about what i do) but i just said that i don’t worry about it too much and left

because like again i know it’s the world we live in but i can’t stand how obsessed everyone is about it and being probably the heaviest (for my height) in my immediate family it’s always just been like damn what do you guys think of me for something i have very little control over like it just makes me sad that they care so much about shit like this and like of all things that must somehow affect how they view me like i really do try not to worry much about it bc it’s been a struggle for like half my life and there’s plenty from growing up that made it such a concern but i just will probably never be thin and like sure they might mean well to comment that i’ve lost weight but will it not be disappointing to them when i inevitably don’t lose more or god forbid gain it back

#personal

[magaz1netragedy]

⚠️TW: discussion of food and body image !!! ⚠️

Rant post:

I’m so sick and tired of working out, I fucking hate it but it doesn’t matter how much I work out I’ll never lose weight bc I binge eat so terribly. Then some days I’m really good and I think omg I’m so skinny 😜 but then I realise that I’m not. I’m midsized and I’m tall with broad shoulders so you can image the nightmare that clothes shopping is….. I’ve been plus sized before and it was not fun for me personally but being midsized isn’t very cool either. I HATE people who are just skinny and have never had to worry about their weight, they don’t realise how lucky they are. They don’t have to be athletic or workout and yet they’ll always be thinner than me. Like if they’re not athletic it’s cute and mysterious but if I’m not I’m just gross and fat. Honestly I’m so sick of it. Idk if I have an ed though, just body image issues. There are times in my life where I didn’t eat but I wasn’t consistent with it, it was like eat nothing and then eat everything. So I don’t want to fall back into that yk, I just want to try and be healthy and consequently lose weight, actually tbh weight loss is my main goal but still. I still don’t think I have a good relationship with food bc I still binge but lord I just want to be thin. Why is everything about me so big and bulky like I can’t catch a break. I once saw someone I know who is thin post about how “fat they are” and I know people don’t always see their bodies they way they actually are but damn I wish I looked at my body and thought I was fat but i was actually skinny rather than thinking I’m fat and actually being midsized. In this world being anything but skinny means ur huge, I’m so tired of it. I hate myself for feeling this way bc I internally demonise larger bodies but only for myself. Like if I saw someone else who was my size or larger I’d think that they’re beautiful but when it comes to me it’s a completely different story. I know there’s nothing wrong with being fat but I just want to be thin…. More than anything.

[unbakehisbeans]

I’ve been vegetarian since I was maybe 12-14 and vegan on and off until recently (as in I am committed to the ethical position of veganism). When I started off, it was fully for environmental reasons but I already kind of knew that I wanted to be vegan I just didn’t really understand how eggs and dairy would be harmful to the animals and also I was a teenager.

But at the same time, I had an eating disorder then and I’ve pretty much always been underweight and had trouble getting enough food to eat (I just have a really low appetite and OCD related food hang ups [ie being really irrationally afraid of choking/vomiting]). But the eating disorder predated my choice to be vegetarian/vegan, and I always understood that they were unrelated, because it was always about the ethics for me. So there was one time when I was 19 I think and I was like recovered from AN but having a lot of trouble eating because of stress and I was about to travel to Kentucky where I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat enough if I wasn’t eating meat, and I was really desperate because I was losing a lot of weight and couldn’t afford to lose anymore, and the stress of traveling always makes me lose weight anyway, so I decided to eat meat again for awhile and honestly, I thought most of it was really gross 😂. So then I went back to being vegetarian after I got home because I still wasn’t gaining weight even though I was eating meat and dairy and eggs and all that. And then because I was at home all the time because of the pandemic, I had a lot of time and space to eat enough food and so I was eating almost fully plant based and I gained a lot of weight and was really healthy and getting a lot of exercise and feeling fantastic. So I was like slowly creeping toward fully plant based and at this point I’m ethically vegan.

And then I move to another city for grad school and again I lose tons of weight because of stress and time constraints, but I’m still fully plant based. But because I’ve been struggling so much to just get enough to eat (just from being on the go a lot and not having a lot of time or a very big appetite) I do eat cheese and eggs sometimes when I’m out of my apartment. And I know that the reasonable thing to do would be to plan ahead and pack my own food so that I don’t need to eat eggs and cheese, but I am very bad at doing that I never remember and when I do OCD stuff makes it immensely stressful to eat, so I’ll eat what’s available as long as there’s no meat.

But like, even if I feel it’s necessary for me in some circumstances to eat eggs and dairy, im still vegan because you’re only ever as vegan as you can be, you know? As far as is possible and practicable. So I’m vegan and I eat a mostly, like 95% plant based diet, and all my wool is secondhand and I try to only buy vegan products (like soap and hair products and makeup and that kind of thing) which is neither expensive nor difficult, I buy cheap ass conditioner and my leave-in is Cantu which is vegan and my make up is all elf cosmetics. Idk if my shampoo is vegan bc I use medicated shampoo, and my birth control isn’t vegan, and I just get really cheap prenatal vitamins so idk if those are vegan (sometimes they use lanolin), but I use those things anyway because that’s what’s practicable for me and that’s fine, that’s still vegan. And like even bread and stuff can sometimes have animal products (generally unless you’re eating sweet bread it won’t have milk) but I eat like fortified bread and I think those sometimes have animal products, but I’m just…not that concerned about that?

I’m not much of a label-checker, and depending on what it is if it has an animal product that’s like really low on the ingredient list, I usually don’t care, lots of that is like byproduct anyway so I’m not super concerned. So I’m not doing anything extreme, I’m not spending a lot of money or depriving myself, I’m not an absolutist, I’m not martyring myself for the cause. My cat eats meat because she’s a cat and I’m not upset about it.

[organized-chaotic-disaster]

TW eating disorders (no numbers talk but I do go into symptoms and behaviours and etc. so PLEASE proceed with caution, I don't wanna trigger anybody!! I just can't sleep and need to get this off my chest)

I’m just thinking about something that happened when I was in the throes of my eating disorder back when I was 14 and I will. Never. Forget it. Or stop being mad about it.

So at my school we did this “health week” thing right? Where we learned what we probably should’ve been doing in PE the entire time. Learning about physical health, healthy diet, healthy exercise, where we should be at physically (like with flexibility and endurance and etc.)

And during this health week, we had to track what we ate for like. A day? I think, maybe more idk

And then we filled out a worksheet about it

And I literally wrote that I was worried that I was developing an eating disorder. Though at the time I knew that’s what was happening, but I didn’t want to fully admit to it like that. But I wanted to include that, thinking the teacher would do something. 

And they didn’t do anything.

No pulling me aside to ask if I was okay. No getting me to speak with the school counsellor (even tho I saw them later thanks to my parents and found out they were shit, but I digress). Not even any contact with my parents about it, which I know bc if they HAD contacted my parents, they would’ve done something, bc that’s EXACTLY what happened when they found out later what had been happening

TO BE FAIR, I might’ve lied to make it seem like I was eating more than I actually was, or I might’ve forced myself to eat more for the time we were tracking our eating, idk. But even so, there were other signs that were present for a while before this. I was having difficulty in PE class, bc my energy was very low. I was struggling in school, though I kept up good appearances? And, though I didn’t realize it at the time bc I couldn’t accurately see myself, looking back at pictures of myself at the time, I was rapidly losing weight.

And then I confess in writing in an assignment that I handed in to a teacher that I thought I was developing an eating disorder. And they did literally nothing about it.

The thing that really gets to me is that, the next year, we did the same thing. And another girl in my PE class for that year had an eating disorder. By this time, I was on the road to recovery and was eating normally. But after we handed the food tracking for that year’s health week, the teacher, the SAME one from the year before, mind you, gave us a lecture about how we needed to eat enough, because this girl wasn’t eating enough.

So I know he saw it. I know he saw what I wrote. And I know he could’ve done something, but actively chose not to.

But sure. This 14-year-old girl clearly doesn’t have an eating disorder because, sure she’s lost weight, but she started out fat/chubby, so this must be healthy weight loss! And even then, she isn’t as skinny as the other girls her age in the school, so clearly she doesn’t have an eating disorder! (/s)

Sure.

I’m sorry I just. I’m trying to sleep and I started thinking about this and I had to get it off my chest. bc my god. It pisses me RIGHT the fuck off.

#personal #ask to tag #don't rb xo