#bc i do feel like a loser and a worthless failure | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mrchiipchrome · 13 days

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I hate people who say ‘swearing doesn’t make you cooler it just makes you sound immature’ like bitch I don’t do it for you or to sound cool I do it bc I need to express myself in the way I fucking feel like. Do you expect me to say ‘holy moly I had a really bad lesson’??? Like ffs if I wanna tell my teacher that the lesson went like fucking shit then I should be able to without fucking criticism, I literally don’t even do it for anyone except myself so you can shut your fat ass up and keep failing everything you fucking piece of shit pick me ‘I’m so much better than everyone else because I don’t swear’ ass bitch. Like we’re not even friends so how can you fucking dare try to tell me what to do, unprovoked and unprompted, I don’t tell you to stop being so fucking stupid and yet you are, fucking no ass, no friends, no nothing ass person trying to make me be like her loser ass self like shut the fuck up and disappear not like you’d be missed by anyone you fucking worthless piece of human garbage. Instead of trying to tell me to check my language, try checking the door before you walk in the room you Oompa Loompa, 10000 kg, no sense of style, looking like you got dressed in the dark, paler than a fucking vampire, failure, no one likes you, no bitches, no future ass bitch. She honestly needs to check her superiority complex because she’s truly more pathetic than me trying to find a gf, I swear even if she was the last woman in the world not a single person would hit, looking like an iguana mixed with a trash can and lighter fluid, she looks like the melted version of wheelchair Barbie only if wheelchair Barbie was plus size Barbie, no eyebrows ass bitch, no eyelashes ass bitch, caca eyes ass bitch, shit stained face ass bitch, skid mark ass bitch, looking like her name is skidmore muncy, cankles having ass bitch. When I say that your standards would have to be in Dante’s 8th circle of hell to even look her way I am not fucking lying, her wannabe goody two shoes ass persona is so fucking annoying I swear it makes me want to rip my ears and eyes out the second I hear and see her, and don’t even get me started on her fucking voice that sounds like a giraffes shit hitting your head whilst someone plays an out of tune piano and drags their nails over a chalkboard. Her entire being is like a a cancerous cell, I swear that she’s a failed fucking abortion because there is genuinely no way anyone would willingly give birth to that creature, someone had to have a gun to her mothers head all throughout labour to keep her pushing bc that child would never be born otherwise. I swear I couldn’t be paid to be that annoying ass bitches friend, it would make me even more suicidal than just hearing her from afar would. And she pretends that she’s so good just because she listens to girl in red like fucking congratulations you’re like 90 fucking percent of lesbians, no one cares about your fucking ass music taste because you’re not important, the world doesn’t stop spinning just because you’re listening to some stereotypical artist. I swear she’s like the hitler of the school, you always have to be so fucking politically correct when you’re even near her bc otherwise she’ll start her fucking crying again like shut the fuck up and get a personality. Literally the plain boiled chicken breast of the school, she doesn’t even realize that no one likes her, and that people are only remotely nice to her because they feel bad that she has the personality of a piece of coal, she’s more boring than the word boring. She’s a pimple on the day you take the school pictures, she’s an air bubble in your veins, she’s that fucking annoying ass hoe you never want to see but always do, she’s the paper McDonald’s toys, she’s a hole in the bottom of your shoe on a rainy day, she’s the ball that hits you in the face in PE, she’s everything i strive not to be both looks wise and personality wise because if I end up like her I would legit kill myself.

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bellonamanifests · 2 years

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Something from my notes:

Why do you only have faith in the law when you see success? Why do you waver and go back and forth with your trust? If you succeeded one time, or know of someone who did, why do you doubt? You have proved the law to be real countless times, it doesn’t stop working. You have done things logically impossible using only the law, stop making excuses for yourself. You are always powerful, you are always almighty. You won the oscar(have the power to create), you can’t unwin it(law stops working). I know that we have been conditioned to believe that certain are hard or don’t work out, but you need to accept that life is truly easy. Aren’t you fed up with worrying? I know you are. Make a promise. A promise that you will never let yourself feel like a failure or worthless or a loser. Regardless of doubts. Because even if the law wasn’t real(which is impossible, you have proved it to be real), that mindset only does you harm.

This wasn’t for anyone specifically, just myself, bc I used to go back and forth with my belief in the law, depending on how my 3d looked like. This helped me a lot, maybe it’ll help you.

#law of assumption #manifesting #neville goddard #joseph murphy #manifestation #loassumption #desired reality #subconciousmind #success story #master manifestor #consciousness #3d #circumstances #conscious mind #reminder #rant post #tough love #from my notes app

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citizen-zero · 5 months

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gen Xers and boomers made fun of millennials for wanting participation trophies but like. first of all YOU were the ones giving them to us. second of all. those participation trophies were for you! you as the parents!

you’re the ones who didn’t want to teach your kid the lesson that they wouldn’t always be the best and wouldn’t always win but that their participation was still meaningful. you’re the ones who didn’t want to reward earnest effort if it didn’t result in success. you’re the ones that said shit like “you don’t want to end up as a burger flipper” as if that isn’t a perfectly respectable job that plenty of people would be happy to do forever as long as it doesn’t suck. like, you’re the ones that drilled in the idea that you better be high performance high power and high pay or else you’re next to worthless. you’re the ones that keep harping on the idea that if a degree won’t potentially lead to a lucrative career then it’s worthless.

we all knew those trophies were bullshit. like, yeah, okay, there was the initial burst of dopamine when they handed you something that fooled you for a second into thinking you’d won, but then you’d remember that you hadn’t and all the other losers had gotten one of these cheap plastic things too, so even your consolation prize wasn’t actually all that special and the real winners might be getting actual prizes to boot

and then on top of that, like….it was a useless item. it’s not a toy you can play with or an item with practical use and it’s not something you’d care to display bc it’s a generic piece of junk. At least if you gave me like, an event-branded pencil and notepad as a goodie bag I could use that to doodle or play tic tac toe or MASH or something. Or a cool t-shirt, if the design is good enough then that would actually feel like you’d gotten a real prize (and honestly if the kid’s family is poor enough it’s one more piece of decent clothing they have and didn’t have to pay for).

Like. Idk. I never once asked for or wanted a participation trophy in my life, they always felt like hunks of junk that I was now burdened with. I feel like they were an attempt at boosting our self esteem and making us feel good about trying but it just felt condescending. it’s like the adults thought that we would completely fall apart at the seams. like oh you lost? Here’s a fake trophy that means absolutely nothing and doesn’t actually demonstrate any recognition of your accomplishments. We’re giving it to you because we can’t be bothered to teach you how to recognize your own worth in the face of failure because we think anything less than perfect victory is akin to total failure so here’s a pacifier you big baby. you fucking loser.

The participation trophy is for you, the parent who can’t stand the fact that not everyone is going to agree that your child is the best person ever in the world. it’s for you as the parent who won’t recognize that your kid still did their best and learned something from the experience and maybe even had fun doing it, and those are rewards all on their own.

If you want to boost someone’s self esteem you praise them for what they did well and you let them know that you’re still proud of them. and then you take them to get McDonald’s or ice cream or something. Like goddamn.

#personal #erika's blog and bar

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newathens · 3 years

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..............

#im about to enter the biggest depressive episode. i gotta go to sleep cause i have work tmrw but like #i want to stay up. for 72 hrs or more. and just somehow access an exhaustin induced mania #i........nope. no. this is gonna be terrible #i. want to cry until I shake. or rather that’s how i feel rn #IM BROKEN I AM BROKEN !!!! IM NOT LIKE OTHERS AND I KNOW THATS SO TYPICAL #BUT IDK HOW ELSE I CAN DESCRIBE IT TO ANYBODY I DONT FUCKING FIT ANYWHERE #IM A LOSER IM A FAILURE IM WORTHLESS IM STUPID IM A MORON IM PATHETIC IM A FUCK UP IM A LONER #I DONT WANT TO BE NEAR MY FRIENDS ANYMORE BC IM AN EMBARASSMENT FOR THEM #I FEEL BAD FOR MY FAMILY BC IM JUST THIS SAD THING THEY HAVE TO CARRY AROUND #IM NEVER GONNA SUCEED IM NEVER GONNA IMPROVE I JUST HAVE TO SIT THROUGH LIFE WATCHING EVERYONE BE NORMAL AND DO THE THINGS THEY HAVE TO DO #AND I JUST. IM NOTHING. NOTHING #I AM NOTHING #for anyone who reads this haha don’t worry im fine

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e-vasong · 6 years

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I can’t stop thinking about class 1-C going on a field trip or something and they run into a villain whose quirk makes you totally lose your filter and just start talking. So let’s say your Bloom Izuku, in an effort to *not* mention the whole “I work for villains” thing, latches onto the first topic that he can think of that isn’t directly that, and that topic is... his mental health. He immediately regrets this but his mouth has already started moving and it’s too late now. I can just (1/4)

imagine “Does my relationship with my father contribute to how much I despise who I am as a person? Sure, although it’s more directly caused by the fact I’m, you know, a terrible person who deserves to be despised. Are my relationships with my friends doomed to fail bc they’re based on the misconception that I’m a better person than I am and my friends will eventually realize how awful I really am and leave? Oh yeah definitely. Is that knowledge made a hundred times (2/4)worse by the fact that they’re the first people who have actually given me the time of day, even if it’s just a mistake/fluke, without wanting to use me or cause me pain in some way? For sure. Am I really as worthless as I feel or is that just a result of the constant, ever-present, soul-crushing stress and fear that I’ve experienced every day for the last eight years combined with my paralyzing fear of the consequences of failure? *throws hands up in frustration* I MEAN MAYBE. I’m not a (¾)freaking psychologist.” And his friends and/or teachers are just listening and are totally horrified, like,, “child… who hurt you?” I got a lot carried away with this but I’m just taken by this idea. This kid’s got so many problems (4/4)

I will say that earlier we were talking about how Izuku has to be pretty desperate at times to think about going out windows, and I’m just gonna put it out there that this is absolutely a situation where Izuku would go out a fucking window to avoid the situation.

Izuku, running away from his emotions: parkour

I do like to think, though, that (should his escape attempt fail XD) as he’s spewing this stuff, someone–whether it be a teacher or a friend–would kind of realize that this is stuff that he doesn’t want to talk about and that he’s actually probably really distressed to be revealing? And rather than letting him continue to spill his guts about this, they just start asking him harmless questions, like his favorite color–oh, yellow? why? because of All Might? 1-Izuku, that’s fucking cute, you loser, but 2-Why? Talk to us about that? What’s so great about All Might?

And so on.

#asks

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whyshanti · 4 years

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twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go?

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed, academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have.

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway.

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else.

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships.

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc).

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden.

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing.

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho.

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house.

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times.

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me.

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person.

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass.

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s.

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices.

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH.

16. men are trash.

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one.

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over.

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh.

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.

self-love is not a 5-step process.

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings.

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.

#2019

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aplus-cunt · 7 years

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I feel like such a fucking loser, a terrible mother and wife I think its an accomplishment to actually wash and fold clothes. I didnt cloth diaper like i wanted bc we werent in a house that we could, she was only ebf for 3 months, i have all the stuff to make her own baby food but i havent done it yet. She wont let us put her down and she doesnt like her carrier. i just feel fucking worthless. Shes happy and has so much fun all the time, shes healthy and is only fussy when her daddy goes to work or we set her down.. But i cant help but feel like a failure I see so many people i know in their own places, with jobs, making their own baby food, cloth diapering, shit even just extended breastfeeding like im not able to do bc of all the surgeries i currently need again. I filled out applications at a couple of places but i know there are more qualified people for EVERY job i put in for. I dont know i just fucking feel like i should be doing so much more. I try so hard and i dont feel its enough..

#journal

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beautifullybroken37 · 7 years

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Emotional Exhaustion

SO.. I’m not hearing anything from God. So I haven’t taken any actions or steps.. I’m not sure that I am in His will right now. This is so exhausting. When did life start to become so wearisome? I’m SO tired. I’ve overcome a lot of my demons fm my past... like just watching Intervention on tv brings tears to my eyes on certain ones because I so get it. I get what it feels like to be abandoned by your entire family. To feel that pain as a young woman. To struggle to let others too close to you now. To hate yourself.. everything about yourself, and you don’t even know why. Other people might compliment me sometimes or tell me nice things, but I dunno if I’ll ever be able to feel that way about myself.. I know what it is to feel like you’re never going to be good enough. To feel like you’ve messed up too much in life and no matter how hard you try, you’ll never get ahead, you’ll never be independent of your family again, & you’ll always just be a loser. Look how hard your parents worked so you could be successful & now look at you. A wasted investment. The girl that had so much promise but now everybody just looks at with pity. Some people will just never understand. People who haven’t been children of a broken home... I’m sorry, but you’ll never get it. People who haven’t felt the pain of abandonment...you’ll never get it. Hypothetically.. people who haven’t used prescription/drugs to get through certain times in their lives.. you’ll never understand the struggle. If you’ve never experienced real depression, don’t expect to even remotely understand. People who haven’t been drugged & raped by random guys or their friends’ scummy dirtbag nasty ass boyfriends.. it goes on and on, if you grew up in a normal family got married and have been a house wife/supporter most of your life & now you have an almost picture-perfect family and everything worked out for you, you will never have the hustle, fitness, wisdom, wealth, or success of a woman who grew up on the streets.. bc you just don’t have it in you.. you can try, but you can never do it like she can.. but you get the point.

Even if I’m nothing more than a total failure right now in the sense of my expectations for myself vs. where I’m at right now in life, I think all these things have made me a stronger person. Do I know my worth isn’t defined by my job, success/failures, or anything else? Absolutely. I learned that the really hard way... that was the worst ride of my life yet. What goes up, must come down. And coming down was fast and furious and hurt like a bitch. That job was my passion.. I loved the industry, the people, the company.. I just got lost. I let a breakup devastate me & leaned on prescription pills to help me throw myself into my work. I wanted to do everything there. I had so much go-go, so much passion, so much will to take that dept. and make it better in any way I could. There were so many things I never got to do or finish. I had a lot of plans for ways to make it be better.. my work was all I felt I had left until I healed fm that relationship, and I hated myself. A new guy came into my dept. shortly before our breakup & I didn’t realize it at the time but I was feeling alone & with him, the beverages, the fun, the food, it all flowed freely. It didn’t matter what I was, if I acted like I was 5 or was somehow annoying or whatever my ex didn’t like about who I was or what I wore or looked like or if I had a clump in my mascara or a tooth that wasn’t the same shade of white as the others or a little butt or a big butt.. I felt like he liked me no matter what. And at that time in my life, that really meant a lot. I have never been an alcoholic myself, but I had no business being in bars with a married co-worker. That wasn’t right & I wish I had known better at the time. Most of the time we were in a group but still.. I just saw him as my best friend. I didn’t know any different.. I was in my 20′s and super stupid. I went from being the most timely person in college to the worst when I worked with him.. had I not been taking an rx for add I would have been such a better employee there. It really does matter who you hang with. Another lesson I learned, the hard way. And that enabling people, doesn’t serve them well in the long run, either. That work/life balance matters. But anyways, that drug was the tool I used to hammer my life & my bank account straight into the ground. I lost everything and I truly believe it’s because I was a lost soul who felt so worthless, but also bc it changed who I was. It’s my fault for taking it. I wish I never had. People don’t realize it but these things mess w/your body too... you may not feel it at the time bc it numbs you, but give yourself a couple years and you’ll realize things are not right. And it’s all your fault. Your fault for being a total dumb ass.

Ok so whoops.. kinda went off track there. Thank you mother PMS b/c feelings - tonight. Holy cow. Ah the monthly joys, lol. Back to what I was saying though.. my mistakes, my failures, even though I’m still not back on my feet.. I’m a fighter. These heartaches make you more resilient. God pulls us through things. Being stressed out every day, will have to help me one day. Or kill me. One or the other lol. Maybe it makes you stronger for later down the road. B/c it keeps me close to Jesus in a way that is entirely uncomfortable. I long for the day when I can be comfortable in life and have a relationship with Him in a much different way. I don’t know what that is, but I’m looking forward to that day. I picture myself finally feeling like I can breathe, surrounded by clear blue skies with the perfect white fluffy clouds and surrounded by beautiful water.. and just taking that time to be with Him in a new & different way. I am grateful today, yes. But the kind of grateful you feel when God works miracles. When God answers prayers in ways we can never understand or comprehend. I know I’m romanticizing this and that's bad too but a girl’s gotta keep the hope somehow. Lol. Ask and ye shall receive. Knock and I will answer. Come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest.

I know I should just shut up and be grateful to have a roof over my head, food to eat, clean water to drink, hot water in my shower, parents that are alive and healthy, for friendships, for a job (even if it is emotionally draining and makes me so tired I literally don’t do anything much outside of it), I get all that.. sometimes the fact that I know that makes it even worse. Like I fight myself because I have feelings that aren’t what they’re supposed to be. They’re not pretty. Like so many people are just so much better than me because they’re all like oh be grateful, isn’t this great in your life and this great in your life or say things in a way that is clearly meant to make a point to me-- like I get it. Ok I’m not stupid. In fact a lot of people underestimate me bc of the situation that I’m in and that’s entirely frustrating too. Just bc you got married early in life and had kids and yadda yadda and you think you understand me b/c you went through something similar? I’m sorry but that’s not possible b/c you were married and I’m not & never have been. Or you didn’t bust your balls through college. Whatever it is. So that makes the situation entirely different, doesn’t it? I don’t want to feel this way, but I just have days where it’s really hard to be grateful and not want more for myself, ok? To deny this would make me a complete fraud. Does that make me a bad person? To want more for myself? To want to be able to have my own family, to choose who I will have Thanksgiving & holidays with, instead of still even at the age of 31 doing what mom dad and step parents put together for me? To want to have my own family where all my parents can come visit me for a change? Where I can serve them. Does that make me a horrid person? To have that want makes me feel like I am, terrible. To want to be able to have my own life? To want to get��out of this town and this job.. to be financially independent again, if I’m not married or actually with someone... how selfish of me. To think that I could have that is probably just stupid. I was stupid in my 20′s and the 30′s really aren’t looking much better... lol. This is just how it is today. Not every day. Some days are easier than others & when I pms it’s just like all my insecurities come at me full force. I’m over it. Guys this is something you’ll never understand. Because estrogen. Lol.

People don’t become resilient because everything has always worked out for their lives. It just doesn’t work like that & I get it. Wisdom isn’t handed over.. you have to go through some serious shit to obtain that. You have to make some terrible mistakes. You have to get your heart broken time and time again. And then? Again and again and again. Your life has to fall apart completely when you least expect it. And it’s so not easy. Everything comes with problems. Everything does. And the grass is never greener on the other side.

Now that I’m saved, I have dealt w/the guilt & shame of my past with the help of The Lord. He has given me the gift of eternal life. The greatest gift of all, to know that someday I will be in heaven with my Maker, where there will be no pain and no sorrow and where no one could ever love me more. Someday I will finally get to feel like I am at home. I’m blessed because I have the grace and mercy of my God, I have a forever Father, Friend, Love, Provider, Protector, everything I have ever needed and more --I now have In Him. And that gives me peace. In moments like these, it feels so good to know that. I’m an overcomer and I will keep fighting until it’s my time & He calls me home.

Now that I am older & can reflect back on things f/m my past, I can try to make better decisions in life. Now I can choose my own family for my future, people who choose me too. Outside of my parents and brother, I mean. People who have never left me. Everyone else I consider family or will come to, will be of my own free will and theirs too. Only that and nothing else. No more fake friends, no more fake family. Only real from here on out or nothing. I’m too old for anything else and I have no energy anymore.. so yeah, that’s that. Jesus take the wheel is my life anthem. Seriously. B/c I suck at life. Lol. So since I’m not getting anything from Him right now I’m just going to do what I can, whatever that is b/c there’s nothing bigger than Him and there’s no mountain He can’t move.. I just have to resist the devil and his lies, keep close to God, and keep my faith. Ya’ll it’s not as easy as it sounds but I am really trying. Even if I only post on here on my harder days.. at least I don’t affect anyone else this way & I get it out and get to move on. Tomorrow is another day.

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cynthiaisabitch-blog · 7 years

Conversation

T: so, did you think it was going to get better, or what was your reasoning for staying?

Me: At first it was "if he quits drinking he will change." Then it was "I can't do better. I can't support myself. May as well stay and try to be good enough..." but I never was "good enough" for him and I CAN do better.

T: ok, just curious how one's mindset is in that situation

Me: He isolated me and took any and all money I has so that I couldn't leave. So I tried to make him happy because I was scared of how he would retaliate if I left. I still am. I hear things and see things that aren't there. I don't sleep. I'm afraid to leave my house. Some days I still wonder if I could go back if I would so I didn't have to do everything alone. I'm too codependent and because of how I grew up I NEED approval. He knew that and used it to his advantage by pushing my family away so that he was the only one I could turn to. But when I would turn to him, he just used everything I ever opened up about against me. From childhood rape and abuse, to my panic attacks, to my personality and daddy issues.

T: I think the most important thing is you being as self aware as you are. Maybe that can be the good that comes out of all of this that you KNOW who you are and can protect yourself from allowing people to take advantages of areas that you deem as being weak. the past is the past and you can't change it, i just wish you would of allowed me to help you more back then so you didnt have to go back to him

Me: I hate accepting help. I'm embarrassed and feel undeserving. I never even knew how to accept Christmas gifts without being overwhelmed by guilt.

T: i TOTALLY get that. i hate christmas and my birthday for that reason. i dont take compliments well either....i feel people are trying to be nice, or want something if they offer them.

Me: Same. Like logically I know I am pretty, but when people say it to me, I instantly become defensive for some reason. Like "why what do you want?" or I think they're lying and actually making fun of me so I get angry. So B being a dick... I figured he was the "first honest person"... he would call me worthless and a loser and I would ask him through tears why he was being so mean and he'd say he wasn't mean, that he was honest. So because my self esteem was already so low, I began to believe it and be grateful someone saw me for the "failure" I felt like I was. Because "at least he isn't lying to me". So warped.

T: here is another one for you. Do you think having so many kids was a way of attempting to keep guys around, or with you? not saying you dont love your kids an d stuff, but ya know?

Me: No. The first was an accident. I got pregnant the first time I ever had sex. Second was intentional and I tried for about 4 no to get pregnant. 3rd was a happy but stressful accident bc my birth control method failed. First baby with B was because I was severely depressed not having custody of my kids. But I ended that pregnancy after he held a knife to my throat and my stomach. Jordan... I love her more than life, but she's here because he would not let me take birth control or he would dedstroy my pills and if I ever said No, he'd have sex with me anyways.

T: wow. hes playing a really nice face. talking about how he is changing his life and its going to be God first from now on, etc.

Me: He always says that. Even if he does change, it's too late. He's already done too much. Like... You're never gonna change bro.

T: well...never say never, but his track record isnt very convincing. he wont change on his own, thats for sure. and good, i honestly hope you stick to that

Me: I am 99% sure. It just sucks because whether it's love it Stockholm syndrome, I miss him so much. Like... How fucked up is that

T: its Stockholm syndrome mixed with horrible self worth and self esteem

Me: I think writing these bad memories all out will help. I gotta go type it up. Chat mañana! Thanks for talking to me.

T: Always.

#chat #abuse #abuse tw #rape tw #domestic abuse #domestic violent relationships #pregnant #mumblr #momlife #relationship

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