#idk i just wish i was normal and healthy

[skunkg1rll]

well... i woke up in time for school. which is the hardest part since it starts at 9am nd i always go to sleep at 4am and wake up around 12-13pm lol. but i got up nd checked when the busses are running.. i checked the weather nd it says it's gnna rain. then i thought "do i rlly need to go today..... cant i go next week?". the thing with me is that if i allow myself to have that thought then it's ruined. if i have the thought of not going, then i wont. thats why i make myself just get up nd go thru the motions nd leave, nd never allowing myself to think that. buuuuut i messed up today... i just wanna stay in bed nd go back to sleep T-T im sitting here "thinking abt it" but the time is already running out nd i dont rlly have time to get up nd get ready now. i dont think i'll get in trouble that i missed this week if i just make sure to go every day next week. ugh

#i should rlly just get out of bed and go #but its so cold and im so tired #my neighbor is stomping around upstairs nd just that makes me wanna die lmao #i just dont feel like going even if i do hate staying at home too #bc i do feel like a loser and a worthless failure #it's just that.. idk i dont want to do anything :/ ig i also kinda feel like self sabotaging #and im so tired of trying #im trying to do this but i get no help from the health care system #i rlly need therapy bc i wanna kms lol but everyone r just like nah sorry cant help u #why should i have to try soooooo hard when nobody cares #i just wanna rot #even if rotting also makes me feel bad #idk i just wish i was normal and healthy #can i even go back to sleep now that i feel so bad abt mysel skskksks #ughhh #no ok i decide i will stay home today #then i'll go every class next week #but i'll give myself one last day to stay home nd feel bad abt myself #im not allowed to do this again next week i've decided

[iamthemaestro]

had a character development moment today where I realized maybe I simply do not have a healthy relationship to classical music anymore

#i always felt terrible about 'losing interest' but it never felt right to say that #partially as a music student but partially because i *love* classical music I always have and I still do #so perhaps it's not that i've lost interest #for lack of a better term i just can't be normal about it anymore #it just. exhausts me #like i wish i could just turn the analysis brain off even for a moment #and just enjoy it #but it's ironic because the analysis brain is a result of the fact that i love it so much #idk. i just want to be able to listen without it feeling like it has to be a source of self-improvement. #without it feeling like an educational endeavor every single time #i love learning about it but if you turn every single interaction you have with a thing into a learning interaction #it does kind of eat away at the fun you have with it if you're not careful #because at a certain point you stop thinking about what you enjoy about it and what you love about it #in favor of what you can glean from it #and like. if you just think about that out of context. that's not a healthy form of love #idk. ironically enough maybe i need to not immediately jump to the score videos #i think i need to just listen to things again #like I don't actually Need to know how they work immediately. that information is going to be there regardless #i can just. try to listen again #idk. very specific problem to have #the things you go through when you spend your life so intensely steeped in one art form #i would be more normal about it if i was less intimate with it in a way. it's a double edged sword #because at least i know it's this thing i carry with me so deeply and so permanently #this thing that has ingrained itself into my very being and the way i think #it's as dangerous as it is wonderful #i just wish i could wield it better #anyway. #composerposting #mine

[running-in-the-dark]

well. apparently I did something bad yesterday because I woke up with very very very bad pain in my shoulder/arm/upper back. I guess it's sore muscles but I don't know from what. 🙃

#didn't do anything unusual yesterday. mostly sat around. also drove 30 minutes but that was fine. painted a while. stuff like that #I just wish sore muscles (or whatever it is) didn't feel so absolutely fucking horrible #it feels like my arm is being ripped off. it feels like it's on fire. it's genuinely like an 8 or more on the pain scale #it's SO BAD. #and I remember that it did not used to feel like that. the first time it happened I was like 20. #that was... awful. #and since then it keeps happening #anyway idk I just feel like that isn't normal??? #it's not something I've heard other (healthy) people describe? #like it's not. oh yeah I exercised too much and now my arm is sore. I remember what that felt like. no it's like being tortured #or maybe I am just a big baby. it's probably that. #I'm trying to distract myself by watching stuff but the pain is so bad that I can't focus on anything #I've taken painkillers. hopefully they'll work soon. it hurts so bad. #personal

[arthur-r]

something’s just not right / there’s hunger in my eyes, but you’re not looking into mine / in the morning light / i wake up next to you, but we’re no longer entwined / i want to love you with a ravenous hunger, tear your flesh into mine / you say you like me, but you’d rather that i listen quiet, keep it all inside / i romanticize a lust for blood and the glint of evil in your eyes / any kind of sign, something to tell me that your heart is burning just like mine / rend me to pieces if that’s what it takes to tell me that i taste divine / there’s something wrong but i just can’t quite place it, leave me on the precipice, i’m fine / something awakening and stirring inside me / i’m gearing up, your pretense in decline / i slice my heart up on a platter and find that you don’t even wanna dine / i gave my soul up, you can eat me raw / diced up and vulnerable, i’m yours to try / you’re glancing to the side, bored, and find that you don’t even wanna dine!!!!

#round 2 of recording my loser boring cannibalism song #(it has more words now. it is still not a complete song but it is getting somewhere….) #basically i really like cannibalism as a literary device and devouring somebody and being like violently enamored #and i convinced myself that my relationship was really good and healthy and i just don’t know how to handle a Good Normal Relationship #but secretly loving somebody should be at least a LITTLE BIT like cannibalism. especially if you’re me #so i got really hungry and he didn’t ever lift a finger for me or smile in my direction #and i wish he would just be hungry for me back. kill me a little bit if it would mean you care #i just thought that Normal People should be Normal about each other and he was just being Normal about me #when he like. did not prioritize me ever. and was only affectionate when he was drunk 🫠 #he does NOT deserve to be the one who ended the relationship!!!! #anyway i would rather he eat me alive than not even look at me. and that’s what this song is about #and i’m gonna raise my standards so much fucking higher. he should be fucking hungry for me actually #literally and figuratively shdhdf i was always the one to invite him to dinner too. #and he was SHIT at communion motif. that guy had awful fucking table manners why did i date him #anyway shdhdf. idk here is round two of my hungry song #i’ve already changed the lyrics a little since recording this a couple mornings ago but it’s FINE my roommate is in here so can’t re-record #but: there’s something wrong but i’m not ready to face it. actually. cause it was so fucking obvious i was just willfully ignorant #anyways!! i’m feeling a little weird today and i haven’t done anything and i want to play music but i can’t. so i’m posting a song instead #and later i might be going to a concert?? we’ll see. if i’m feeling better physically by then!! #anyway i hope everybody is doing okay and lmk if you need anything!! sincerely arthur #me. my post. mine. #delete later (probably) #music

[mcnuggyy]

man having grown up in an abusive household makes it so hard to tell when something is a normal disagreement a normal family would have and what is a fight that is absolutely something a normal healthy family would never ever have… like…. 😐

#it happened so fast too I can’t even process how it set off #context being my mom got really dizzy which happens because of her condition #and so we asked her to lay down #about 30 min later she’s back up again making sandwiches for my dad #we all start like calmly kinda teasingly being like cmon dad #she should be laying down why did you have her get up for that #and then my sister said something and then my dad got louder and she got louder and I was like why are we yelling #and so I had to get loud and it was just a whole mess #and my dad got really really fucking mad #and was being a total dick in my opinion #over like… nothing #and my mom sounded all scared and idk man it was a very weird interaction #and I was really shocked up about it because my brain just always goes back to when we used to get hit #but we’re adults now so I’m sure that won’t happen again but sometimes the way my dad gets pissed off #like it feels like it still could happen again one day ykno…. #idk #I know so much is in the past #but it still feels like it happen again every so often and it’s very very very scary lol #anyways I can’t wait to leave <3 hahaha #but seriously like is that normal idk probably not I wish I had some sort of reference to what a healthy parent is supposed to be like #i don’t know a single person with a good relationship w their parents at least not both of them #it’s always just like one or none of them lmao #anyways #</3 #abuse cw #also to make matters worse this all happened during our movie nights we’ve been having #to make my sisters boyfriend feel welcome in the family #since he moved in #like I can’t imagine moving into my partners house #and just hearing like constant screaming fighting matches randomly throughout the week like ok 😐😐😐

[no-one-hears-me]

really thinking about how my only options are to continue starving and stay skinny or eat but gain weight. I can never be normal

#ed tw #today I saw a video of someone showing what her friend eats #and it was a whole pizza and then pasta and whatever #how are some people capable of doing that #realistically some of it is my fault bc I've slowed my metabolism by restricting too hard #and the only way to fix it is to eat more BUT that will cause weight gain #and yeah I can lose it but I'd rather not gain any in the first place #also I'm genuinely not able to eat that much anymore #today I ate a fairly small amount of food and my stomach starting getting uncomfortable halfway through #even though that was the only thing I had in awhile. idk #I'm kinda proud that I can't eat anymore but that's kinda cringe idk #anyways. I really just wish I could eat normal amounts of food but still have a really low weight #I don't want a healthy weight tbh so yeah it makes sense that I can't eat healthy portions #still sucks tho #ALSO it sucks that alcohol has calories but tbf I don't need to drink much if I haven't eaten anyways #and my tolerance has never been high actually bc I don't drink that much #Sera

[graveyardmouth]

i wanna go home

#i really wish my mother would. stop fucking projecting her ed onto her kids lol #i just watched her not gaf as my brother (skinny) poured himself a huge fucking cup of root beer #and then when me and my other brother (both fat) got some she micromanaged the shit out of both of our pouring #like wow! you go girl! way to make me feel bad for consuming calories! #like ugh. whenever im in the thick of a relapse and visibly losing weight shes always like “ohh youve gotta eat something 🥺🥺 food is fuel” #and then whenever im at idk a fucking normal healthy weight she pulls this shit or starts telling me im eating too much #bug shut up #eating disorders #<- content warning tag. ed accounts i will murder you to death if you touch this post

[pepprs]

also the favoritism thing is still making me so fucking mad and insane btw. im not jealous / resentful of my brother bc he deserves her love and is also burdened in his own ways by it and bc i think my drama w my mom has shaped my life in profound ways and given me friends i cherish and i would never trade any of that for the world but jesus fucking christ. why do i have to beg you to interact with me like a mother. why do i have to talk to me at all beyond asking me to do you 847439473 favors a day. why do i have to beg you to take an interest in my life and apologize when you hurt me and be nurturing and perceptive for once in your fucking life. like it hurts to hear her asking him about his classes and whatever bc she didn’t think i was stressed out w school but i had to talk to a ****** hotline last decemver when i couldn’t take it anymore and my mental health was crashing and burning and it doesn’t even fucking matter to her at all and she’s going to get him the nice gifts and throw him the nice parties and whatever because she hates me and my sister for… and let me get this straight… being complicated and anxious and depressed and also girls. lol!

#purrs #delete later #sorry i knowive been insane about momposting but this shit has me screeching like an ape. the way when my brother was born she decided me #and my sister would be okay with each other bc we were twins and meanwhile she was leaving my sister to have anxiety attacks and me to take #care of her and all of this happening at like 7 years old and she would come into my brothers room every single night and kiss him goodnight #and talk to him for a long time and she wouldn’t even come in and say goodnight to us. LOL. ok. like our room being a depression nest is not #an excuse. us not helping out much in the kitchen or around the house (which is bad but also we have reasons for it that i think are valid #and i only do it here and not elsewhere btw.) is not a good excuse. you can’t decide you love your one kid more because he helps out and #keeps his room clean and whatever. maybe he is normal because you made it very clear from the time that he was born that he was your top #priority and you gave him your attention and didn’t take it away meanwhile my sister and i have always had to share bc we’re twins and she #cast us aside when he was born and has fucking tormented both of us for years over who we like what we want where we go all of that shit and #then has the AUDACITY to call herself a good mother. being a good mother is more than feeding your kid and projecting your childhood trauma #onto them by preventing them from ever developing cancer to the point where they’re afraid fo like. go outside. you have to be patient and #nurturing and kind and like.. motherly. ans i know no one can be a perfect mother and she has been hurt so badly and she is dealing with a l #lot right now but COME ON. for gods SAKE. i am right fucking here. why don’t you care about me? why do you make it clearer every day? #ask to tag #like the way she would say when my sister and i were growing up and going through it that she wished she could book a hotel and live there f #far away from us and miss out on us growing up so she wouldn’t have to deal with us being anxious and hormonal because we were teenage girls #LOL. totally did not impact me at all. totally is not a wound that informs every breath i take and every thought i have. not at all #* like maybe he is normal because you uh… idk. just a guess here. actually gave him the motherlove people need to be functioning healthy #human beings? idk. just a silly thought. haha

[caffeinatedopossum]

Sometimes I feel like there really is no way to win at hating/loving myself. Like the less I hate myself, the more I start to hate other people and I hate hating other people and it just makes me hate myself again.

Idk its like just being genuinely critical of someone else makes me feel like I'm being spiteful and hateful and need to take a good long look at myself. And I don't *want* my hatred of other people to be justified because if people really are as stupid and inconsiderate as I sometimes suspect they are, that's awful and I really can't do anything about that... but if I'M the one being stupid and inconsiderate, I can always reflect on and change that

Basically I think I'm biased. But so is everyone

#also by people i mean a very specific majority of people that i think of as Floaters #it seems like they sort of wander and dont question things. not because they are privileged and never need to #but because they do need to and dont know it #and its infinitely frustrating to observe as someone who has severe anxiety and ruminations #like i wish i could just give some people a healthy dose of my anxiety and thoughts so that we would both benefit #but thats presumptuous of me right? idk what other people are thinking. idk what theyve actually been through #and this is what i mean ^^ #i doubt everything all of the time constantly and it never ever stops and i dont think this is normal #and i dont want it to be normal i just want things to be a little more evened out #not even that actually. i just want people to notice! #not motice me. notice themselves #it feels like the average level of self awareness is so low that i honestly dont know how people tolerate that absence #like what are you doing?? how are you living like that? where did you find that innate certainty and where can i get some #maybe this is just about jealousy #i feel like a lot of things are maybe abnormally difficult for me and id like to have the ease that i percieve other people havin #but also if it was offered to me i would never be able to accept it #hmm many thoughts today. many things to think about indeed

[skeleton-monarch]

hi tumblr you’re getting my ramblings for now. sorry.

#i’m going insane lol #gnawing at the bars of my cage etc #really bad episode of self loathing. hate it. #i feel really selfish and shitty and idk what to do about it #because i’m not able to do any of my healthy coping mechanisms rn #so usually i’d go for distraction #but nothing is holding my attention #i don’t think i’m gonna do anything stupid but tonight is going to be miserable lol #i really wish my brain was normal #my thoughts are slipping around as if covered in soap #it’s unpleasant #nothing is sticking and i’m losing time reallt bad #im just. yeah. it’s rough i’m trying to ride the wave #i’m scared. but. yknow. yeah #whatever it’s whatever #i know my mind is just doing the bpd thing but there’s this thought it won’t let go of and i’m so scared

[audiovisualrecall]

Part of the issue ppl have w SU is that they chose to have the Mc - and thus the show and focus - not about wanting revenge or the idea that you need to punish someone for harming others. SU, and the Mc, said - what is important? Punishing the antagonists for what they have done, or *stopping them from continuing to cause harm*? And also, does the latter necessitate the former? Also the idea that people can change - even the villain, even a space fascist, could STOP and come to the conclusion that they were in the wrong, what they did was wrong, and to work to change. It's not SATISFYING for people, they want to punish the people that hurt them and others like them. They don't like the idea that you could do horrible things but still maybe stop and change as a person. They want you to have to suffer for what you did. It's not FAIR for the evil villain to not be put down in some way. They want catharsis in the show. But beyond being meant for 10 yr olds, the show also was trying to show that there's another option, another way things can be, punishing the villain is not the only way to resolve the story and end the conflict/fix things. people don't LIKE that option and feel angry at the show for not catering to what THEY wanted out of it. But that's not something the show did wrong or failed them on, because it was never intending to go the route that they wanted out of it.

#idk the word/phrase for it where u believe that justice /=/ revenge or punishment #for all that ppl want prison reform or talk about abolition...ppl also want to hurt or kill the ppl who hurt them or at least want them to #not get to live a normal life after what they did. which i GET but also. thats not healthy imo. being obsessed w that #means ppl are kneejerk reactive. like the thing we see where someone tells ppl so and so is a [something] and everyone goes OMG #and dont even consider is it true tho? #or assuming something in a story and deciding kneejerk who the 'bad guy' is and deciding they need to wish ill on them #and then it turned out the other person was actually tje one in the wrong but ppl were just reacting reacting etc #and talking abt hurting the 'bad guy'

[thefunniestguy]

Thinking about that time I had to get a hand x-ray cos I'm supposed to be a lot taller </3

#turns out im perfectly healthy just grew a lot and then stopped i guess ?? idk dmdnsnsn #im normal height for my age but gosh i wish i was taller #id be so powerful and cool and unstoppable /lh /j #finn's fun #turns out i only kin finn because I'd like to be 11.5 inches taller #ID BE 6'2 HELL YEAH .. #ANYWAY RKDHSJDJ #but if i was 6'2 there might actually be some cause for concern - /lh

[vynegar]

14% of the way through....

#ok i can do like half an hour each day and then i'll finish on the weekend. good pace. we can do this #hopefully tomorrow i can do some reading at work. LMAO. #honestly my bottleneck (aside from my own focus/free time) is the rate at which people upload the main story recordings to youtube #youtube channel polar artem u are my hero. i love you. i hope you have a good day 366x this year #tot liveblog #wow i should translate something again... maybe i've improved (wishful thinking) #but it really has been a while and there are some things i said i would translate that i never did. lol #probably not a card tho (mainly since i haven't been reading the recent cards). maybe an extra thing like interview. i'll probably look for #some fan analyses since we got a main story chapter. idk tho i kinda wanna chew over word choice again. then again i get to be a bit looser #when translating discussion posts.... #EDIT 2/12: post is still happening just. it takes so much focus to read two things at the same time aldsjfklsjlaskej #so much more tempting to read other VNs where i'm like. just reading normally. and not also trying to keep track of a plot spanning mult ye #years while simultaneously trying to consider the implications for characterization in the context of 2.5 years' worth of interaction #it's fine my relationship with tot content is totally normal and healthy and i absolutely do this voluntarily. for Fun #ok but DEF it'll be up by next weekend promise (bc i need to distract myself before dessert de otomate)

[nameforthemain]

long rant in the tags lol beware

(also if you do click on, tw for very brief suicidal thoughts, sorry)

#don't really know where to put this #but i wish my brain could just pick a side and spare me the lose-lose scenario that i can't explain to anyone #if i tell my friends I feel uncomfortable hearing about their crushes/sex lives and they respect that and don't talk about that to me?? #that should be great!! i am incredibly happy when people are considerate of my boundaries like that and that should be the end of it #but my goddamn brain has to make me feel horrible about that too. #i feel isolated if they talk about it in front of me. i feel excluded if the rest of them talk about it in a place without me #which?? I'd WANT them to talk about it with each other?? and be considerate and not involve me?? so why can i not be okay with it #idk if it's internalised aphobia and wishing i wasn't like this #or bc my school friends used to scoff when i didn't understand their risqué jokes until i just pretended i was in on the inside jokes #but i just want to be okay with things #feeling an immense dread and wish for death does not seem like a normal or healthy reaction to not getting an inside joke/reference #um also if any mutuals are still reading a) I'm sorry that was a lot to read 😬 b) please just bear with me and keep doing your thing #the issue with putting it on my main is i want people to know but i don't want them to try to change how they talk around me #i just want to change my brain and stop this being so severe an issue #vent kinda thing #peppa talks