#idk. very specific problem to have

[iamthemaestro]

had a character development moment today where I realized maybe I simply do not have a healthy relationship to classical music anymore

#i always felt terrible about 'losing interest' but it never felt right to say that #partially as a music student but partially because i *love* classical music I always have and I still do #so perhaps it's not that i've lost interest #for lack of a better term i just can't be normal about it anymore #it just. exhausts me #like i wish i could just turn the analysis brain off even for a moment #and just enjoy it #but it's ironic because the analysis brain is a result of the fact that i love it so much #idk. i just want to be able to listen without it feeling like it has to be a source of self-improvement. #without it feeling like an educational endeavor every single time #i love learning about it but if you turn every single interaction you have with a thing into a learning interaction #it does kind of eat away at the fun you have with it if you're not careful #because at a certain point you stop thinking about what you enjoy about it and what you love about it #in favor of what you can glean from it #and like. if you just think about that out of context. that's not a healthy form of love #idk. ironically enough maybe i need to not immediately jump to the score videos #i think i need to just listen to things again #like I don't actually Need to know how they work immediately. that information is going to be there regardless #i can just. try to listen again #idk. very specific problem to have #the things you go through when you spend your life so intensely steeped in one art form #i would be more normal about it if i was less intimate with it in a way. it's a double edged sword #because at least i know it's this thing i carry with me so deeply and so permanently #this thing that has ingrained itself into my very being and the way i think #it's as dangerous as it is wonderful #i just wish i could wield it better #anyway. #composerposting #mine

[lazylittledragon]

i'm going to scream i got accused of being a transmisogynist by someone on twitter because of this specific part of my t4t steddie art

#ramble #the thing is 99.9% of people thought it was VERY funny #i've had 1 person genuinely have a problem with it and it was because i kept eddie transmasc #basically they were upset because i didn't make them both transfemme bc i just. didn't want to #twitter hasn't learned that not everything is for you and if you don't like something you don't have to interact with it #and just because you don't like something that doesn't mean it's Bad #and also sometimes queer things aren't made to be understood by everyone #it was specifically because they thought it made them into 'just another straight couple' #as if that isn't a MASSIVE erasure of trans people's queerness #trans people in m/f relationships doesn't make them any less queer or somehow inferior to gay relationships #it boiled down to 'but you could've made them lesbians :((' YEAH BUT I DIDN'T #idk it was just absolutely infuriating trying to defend myself without saying 'idk what the fuck you want from me at this point' #anyway transfemme stevie is very big on twt but i didn't know whether to post it here or not #but i might if people want to see it because i love it a lot #twitter would die if they saw the olden days when we called them genderbends and there wasn't any trans content at all

[autistic-beshelar]

ah yes dungeon meshi, the manga where an autistic man gets repeatedly bullied by people he thinks are his friends and not a single person supports him

#dont get me wrong i am enjoying this manga #but i'm failing to see how this is some great amazing autistic rep #like yeah laios is obviously autistic #and the struggles he has due to his autism are VERY relatable #but it's deeply uncomfortable that even the people closest to him are routinely awful to him #specifically for his autistic traits #and their bullying is almost always a joke #not a single person defends him #literally senshi is the only character that's never been cruel to him #well and farlyn but lbr she's also autistic and also has been in like half a chapter that ive read so far #maybe ive just not read far enough or not seen enough posts #but im not understanding why the fandom are treating it like amazing autistic rep and how it understands us so well #you could argue that the narrative tends to support laios's methods and way of thinking #but nothing else does #the scene with shuro was fucking awful to read tbh #'you're so annoying because you're autistic. how dare you think im your friend when you should have just guessed that i hated you' #and not a single person defends laios #or calls shuro out on what a fucking horrific way of treating a party member that is #like i dont know MAYBE you could have just said 'hey i don't really want to be friends' #maybe you could COMMUNICATE. #but no it's the autistic man who's the problem. for the crime of.... being too nice. #i don't have a problem with the scene. #i have a problem with the fact that shuro is framed as reasonable here. instead of utterly fucking vile. #i have a problem with none of the other characters sticking up for laios. #dungeon meshi #maybe ppl will start treating him better #i would like to continue reading #but if he continues getting bullied in EVERY fucking chapter as a 'joke' then idk man

[godsfavoritescientist]

well hold on, if we define a character flaw as any limitation a character deals with, regardless of whether it's something Morally Wrong With Them or not, then Ford's paranoia counts as a character flaw since it does in fact negatively impact him and the people around him. Let me use better wording here: I will die on the hill that Ford's paranoia is not a moral failing.

#'i'll die on this hill' one second later: un-dies on that hill on a technicality #godsrambles #one way in which i probably differ from ford is that i could not care less about winning any arguments all i care about is being accurate #people are right about a lot of fords character flaws actually. the part they are wrong about is which ones are Moral Failings #and also people misinterpret his motivations and intentions behind things. but the flaws themselves? sure yeah people can identify those #unpopular opinion but i think ego is fine on its own too depending on how you define ego. case in point: papyrus. yknow the skeleton #it only becomes a problem when you're putting other people down. which i dont think ford is guiltless of but. the others do that too #idk sometimes when other people go 'omg... ego moment :/' im like 'a chance to hype eachother up! yay' i dont assume im being looked down o #unless thats specifically demonstrated to be happening #but the thing that kills me is that stan constantly puts other people down. but since he doesnt idk have an ego or talk weird its fine?? #i very much agree with dipper when he replied to mabel with 'ford doesnt make fun of me all the time like you guys do' #and like once again. to each their own #some people see that level of making fun of people/being made fun of as just friendly banter and thats fair enough #but i really appreciate that ford isn't like that

[gibbearish]

kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it

#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you #youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying #and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away #like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right? #like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine #peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that #in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids #by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to #which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering #things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much #idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it #like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch #so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling #like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right? #and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression #bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad #and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn #so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference #idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough #just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more

[pftones3482]

A list of ways they could have ended the Hamster and Gretel season finale that would have been better than whatever the hell that was:

Gretel reveals herself to Hiromi to help explain to her why Kevin constantly has to dip (Hiromi has proven herself trustworthy several times at this point there is literally no risk to telling her)

Kevin and Gretel have an actual heart to heart where they talk out why they're frustrated with each other

Gretel reads Kevin the speech she literally wrote for him

Some kind of flash back to the twins where we see Lauren starting to doubt the whole "supervillain" thing

I get it's a "kids show" but kids shows still deserve actually good writing and plot and this just. Wasn't it. The open ending was TOO open ended. Leaving the failed date for next season? Sure. Leaving the potential redemption arc for the villain next season? Yeah okay.

Wiping away the brother and sister tension with a throwaway scene and no follow up? Come on. And ending with the stupid aliens teasing next season, then crushing Kevin further with how he wasn't supposed to get powers, and finishing out the whole season with what literally is just a, "That's rough buddy?"

Yeesh.

#kevin has a catu level meltdown coming and i for one hope he actually gets it #hng #hamster and gretel #i also struggle bc like.....gretel is roughly the age of phineas and ferb. if not a little bit younger #but youre telling me that she WOULDN'T feel bad if kevin actually told her how he was feeling? #if you're gonna make another sibling show that specifically revolves around siblings can you like. #idk make me care about them AS siblings? #tell me how with no episodic continuity phineas and ferb and candace still have a more well rounded sibling relationship #in just the first season of the show #and theres actually a STORY LINE to HnG and theyre still having the same sibling problems they did at the very beginning of the show #Kevin still feels left out and useless and Gretel still doesnt get that despite it being brought up 100 times #idk do better that was a shitty season finale it didnt even feel like a finale #this is far too many tags for me to be rambling about a childrens show #also the opening scene? was redundant. its already been shown in the show a thousand times that Kevin would do anything for Gretel

[burinazar]

:( patheticposting

nearly literally reduced to tears rn by how overwhelmingly it feels like nobody cares what I make or like or think about and how meaningless any of my creativity and love and effort is

[cannotgiveafuck]

Alright here's my semi thought out rambling on the contenders of who could adopt Billy Batson.

Keep in mind, this is not based on the Shazamily Billy, but the homeless kid Billy who spent years running away from his abusive uncle, and then multiple foster homes, and squats in apartments.

BatFam: IMO, they would immulate a foster home too much for Billy's comfort. A large home with multiple bodies, all of them having their own issues and lives that Billy would either feel excluded from or strive to help too much. Likewise, to have all those eyes - especially as the Batfam - watching him and being aware of his every move would be incredibly invasive for him. Billy is an independent kid, but hes not a crime fighter like the batkids, so the others would try to help him in any and every way possible, that would inevitably push Billys boundaries. The family stability is questionable, but the loyalty is definitely something Billy needs. So i think theyd be best as like, the friends home Billy stays at sometimes. Not to mention its Gotham. That city is not for Captain Marvel.

Constantine: lmao. Listen. I love this disaster in a trenchcoat disguised as a wreck of a man, but he should not be in any parental role. Him and Billy work out bc they are around each other in doses. They're complete opposites in methods and morals, and continued exposure would do them both harm. Likewise, when John truly cares for someone he pushes them away bc everyone around him gets hurt. He actively chooses to hurt them sometimes, if theyre not used against him. It doesn't matter that Billy is Captain Marvel and can withstand more than John can throw. John will self destruct and keep Billy away. And that is what would hurt Billy most. Bc he would feel abandoned and unwanted, and that kid has too many issues surrounding that in particular. He needs a stable environment and Constantine can not provide that in the long run - especially in a domestic sense. They're wayyy better off as friends, or magical mentor/mentee.

Superman: The biggest obstacle here is Clark's insistence that Billy remain a child and live a normal life instead of being Captain Marvel. Even if Clark relents to having Billy be Marvel and stay on JL, it would be a continuous struggle for both of them. Not only bc Clark does not know how to be a parent, but also Billy would have a very hard time adjusting. Compared to the other two, I'd say Clark is the most stable, but perhaps not stable enough. Journalism and Superman take up a lot of Clark's time, and he'd really struggle with balancing having Billy too - especially if this is pre-Jon. What's more, unlike Jon, Billy's duties and abilities are different. Despite Superman understanding personal wants vs greater duties, he could not help with Marvel's duties, as much as he'd want to. And I think that would really stress Clark out. Not to mention gaining Billy's trust once its lost is an uphill battle. Cap can work just fine with Superman, but Billy would be a feral kitten - another differing aspect Clark would struggle to grasp. I think there's potential here, esp with help from Lois and Mama Kent, but they're both on such different wave lengths beneath the shallow surface, that they'd struggle with cohabitation and being a 'family' more than one would think.

Wonder Woman: Gonna be honest, I think she's the best candidate for taking Billy in. Not only does she understand Cap's duties from a divine perspective, but she's taken on such monumental tasks. She gave up living on her home island to do her divine warrior duty, but then she found balance in remaking her home life as Diana Prince. She had a loving mother and community that raised her, which she'd draw inspiration from for Billy. There'd be a balance of knowing he's a child that needs protection and he's a chosen champion that needs to learn how to protect others (and himself) - honestly, the same balance Diana's mother had to find for her, which she'd realize with Billy. Itd be a familial connection she has greatly missed since Amazon. And tbh I think Cap and Billy are on the same page with WW - respect and admiration and trust, and that divine tie of being gifted by the Gods (Zeus specifically). Plus being handled without kiddie gloves and respected as a hero would be something Billy greatly appreciates.

#billy batson #captain marvel #shazam #listen. im a sucker for batfam and grumpy Constantine mentor too #but i just think billy has some issues thatd get triggered by either situation #and neither would be good for his development as a human child or magical hero #superman has potential but thered be a lot more problems than folks realize. on both ends #which would be so interesting to read them working thru #please i just want Big Sister WW #theyd be so good together #hes never going to be a normal kid. but he still needs a stable loving home #and i think Diana is a perf balance all around #She'd take him on museum tours and world travel and teach him about history and culture #And teach him so much about the Gods and their stories #Idk it's 1am and I'm having feels about Billy and family #And all the shit he's been thru. And despite being so caring and friendly as Cap #He's so wary and guarded as Billy. #He doesn't think he needs a family. Or deserves to be normal. But he does!! He does deserve love and support. #He's just a kid that needs very specific care and attention

[quaranmine]

in further context to the last post, re: very real emergency, today was the first time i ever had to call 911 for another person 🙃 basically to make a long story short(ish) my dad called my mom while at work super incoherent, we ended up calling 911, we were afraid it was any number of serious issues like a stroke or something, but what actually happened was that he inhaled too many fumes from the chemicals he was working with. so the EMTs declared him to be okay after he had like 20-30 minutes in fresh air. when he got home he told us that he didn't remember anything from 10 am - 4 pm, barely remembered calling my mom, didn't remember anything he said on the phone, and that the reason he called my mom was cause he basically passed out on the floor, woke up on the floor, and didn't know how he got there (he did not say that or share anything useful on the phone though lmao so we were pretty horrified to realize the situation was even worse than we'd assumed)

anyway he's fine now, just embarassed so much attention is being paid to him, and i have experienced Anxiety today

#the 911 was not the phone tree i mentioned earlier LOL it was very quick and efficient as it should be #the phone tree was my attempt to actually Locate my dad because i needed to know which specific place he was working #but i couldnt get through to a real person to tell me #i did get a call back immediately though from a real person! so we were able to keep working on the problem and get my dad help #but the actual moment it was happening i was like 'what if hes dying and i'm in hell having to listen to a lady tell me press 3 for xyz' 😭 #i am also dying to know what chemicals he was using #he normally use respirators and stuff idk what happened today....

[ankhisms]

can i be emotionally vulnerable with you all in the torture dungeon

#anyway. keep feeling weird in a specific way but not really wanting to talk about it with anyone but also not talking about it makes it #feel like its crawling under my skin. and its not necessarily a bad feeling i just have a fucked up traumatized brain that makes #feeling things weird in general. i feel things so strongly or else im numb and outside my body and often struggle #with being super aware of myself because of this. where its also like im in survival mode constantly know and it can be easy #for me to go numb and not feel things or else be just going into panic panic panic hell freakout but beyond that it can be very hard #for me to identify feelings and such and having sat with this feeling its like. ok i think ive identified this but it feels #weird for me and i dont know what to do with this. should i do anything with this. probably not. and that carries its own #various baggage and relation to other issues im realizing i said i was going to be vulnerable but now i am just being very #vague about everything im saying. as you can tell i have problems and am noy good at being vulnerable #tldr feelings are weird. ive been feeling weird lately in specific ways that i dont know how to deal with but its not really bad but does #relate to certain issues i have with myself but idk really what to do besides just feeling it and letting it pass #but sometimrs iy has made me want to bang my head against a wall

[puppyeared]

footnotes arent enough I need you to talk to me like im fucking Amelia Bedelia

#this isn’t about anything in particular btw. I just have to add a lot of memos when I’m doing things because some things are done a certain #way and it isn’t explained well in the instructions. like my mom has instructions on her baking recipes right #but when it says stuff like add dry ingredients to wet ingredients it also means you don’t dump it in one go you add it slowly by portion #this is probably why I find videos and demonstrations the most helpful when I learn something. like I almost always ask someone to show me #how they do it because there could be something they do that’s already second nature and wouldn’t really be considered in an explanation yk #I don’t think I’m an exception either. when the rice is done cooking I divide it into 4 quarters to bless it #but there are a million ways to divide rice and it makes me think that one persons way of doing it or not doing it all is just as valid #theres also technically no wrong way to divide rice afaik. this means either all ways of dividing rice is safe or valid until we find some #universally terrible way of dividing rice. until that happens nobody really thinks about specifying HOW you divide the rice #source: I have anxiety starting and doing things for the first time because I got way too many people yell at me NONONO WHAT ARE YOU DOING #THATS WRONG while I’m in the middle of doing the thing. I would rather have people think I’m either very stupid or overly specific #than go thru the panic inducing fear of ‘YOURE DOING THIS WRONG OMG WHY DIDNT YOU ASK AHEAD OF TIME THIS WILL BE FUCKED UP FOREVER’ 🧍 #nothing wrong if you don’t give something a second thought because you’re so used to it. but I can and will ask about it and I don’t think I #really should feel bad about it if I don’t know enough to dispute it. idk #the other way around I try to be as specific as possible and word things in a way that people who might not get where I’m coming from will #understand. but the problem with that is my explanations tend to be lengthy and I lose them either way 🗿 #Im. trying to work on that using examples and stuff because they seem to work the best #but if I could write everything down on a word doc and beam it into your melon that would save both of us time and embarassment #im rambling the short version is I have adhd #yapping

[linthehero]

this might be a controversial take but fuck it

drawing any brandon character white or super light skinned weirds me out

#i didnt say bryce but this is specifically about bryce #i see so much art of her being white as a ghost and i just dont get it #listen i know the paper thing at the end of the ceo skit said she’s white #but listeN OKAY LISTEN. #if you wanna play it like that it also says she’s fat which she very clearly is not #so whos to say. stinky. #i dont even know if its really whitewashing if it’s a character #especially when a lot of them don’t have confirmed races #but even if it’s completely fine it still makes me eugh #idk maybe im the problem

[altschmerzes]

.

spent all afternoon with my family getting ready for the funeral sunday. acutely reminded that they’re all, particularly my sister, under the impression i am a robot who has no feelings and no problems and lives in a rainbow castle full of sunshine and sparkles and nothing is ever difficult or stressful or traumatizing for me.

that was. great.

#gav gab #my sister said to my face. to my FACE. that the problems in our family #and this is a direct quote #skipped me and hit them twice #which they were referring in that moment specifically to addiction issues #but makes for a very neat summary of how they view me in general #they have every problem and i have none #lucky bastard that i am i dodged all of it! haha how great! of course i’m fine I’m always fine #which is just #1. how the fuck would they know #they don’t know basic information about me or my life and that’s one hell of an assumption #2. addiction is a spectre that has haunted my entire life even if ive never actively had substance abuse problems myself #it’s almost like i got terrorized by our father while he was on drugs and drunk all the time #and they don’t remember any of that because they were too little and it didn’t fucking happen to them #and I’ve been petrified of touching any of it ever since #HM! IMAGINE! #idk how to even tag this sorry #abuse cw #death cw

[gazelessmenagerie]

( .................i'm most likely just gonna keep him the same bc I'm stubborn.)

#|| Tag: OOC #( probably a little stupid too but shh. ) #( it just doesn't feel right to me without his stupid poofy hair. makes him more fluffy ) #( i guess if it really IS a problem.. I'll change it?? ) #( shits just confusing and pretty much convoluted and before anyone gets the wrong idea. ) #( i am half native myself. I'm just very lost when it comes to the politics/stances about the indigenous people in general and in ) #( more specific niches ilke trying to do an oc based off n.ative american heritage. ) #( or at least half.. cause that's just the whole reason I made gabe..? bit of some self expression but he just kinda grew into his own way. #( and i kinda like him for that more. idk. im just rambling cause these thoughts have been plaguing me and im just gonna toss them out. ) #( i just love my boy and I do not want to step on any toes is the bottom line. ) #( maybe I'll figure something out on the eventual. )

[gideonisms]

Okay okay final degree paperwork finalized I THINK and I THINK I get to just move downstairs for $50 cheaper. So now I just need to focus on jobs & getting this place spotless

#i don't want to jinx myself #idk why this whole process has been so drawn out #well i do know. because i was in mental hell much of that time and my executive function has been near catastrophic failure from birth ♥️ #but when you think about it this is an inspiring tale! girl with no sense and very little ability to withstand life's trials #nevertheless achieves complete mediocrity rather than just dying #proud to be a girlfailure whose greatest ambition is to live in mediocre apartment with a cat and enough to eat #finish my fics and then one day self publish a series of niche novels written specifically for wlw who liked the x files and trc #but wished they had more dysfunctional lesbians #one day get the stains out of my rug and repaint where i have heat damage on the hood of my car #truly just want to be kind of lonely stuck in bad jobs that nevertheless pay me enough to eat and give me enough time to walk in the park #those are the problems i want to move on to

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃 #so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters #which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent #allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing #my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing #bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing #and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and #dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely #destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea #lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to #have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im #just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives #i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control #unrelated #i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods #mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio #i meant rip lol