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#at this point id rather be alone
original-punks · 9 months
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ganondoodle · 1 year
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im willing to try streaming games one more time, but i still have the feeling im not made for it, im rather silent when i play something and talk very little to begin with, so if i start doing commentary now i fear its both not gonna sound genuine and that my voice will die super quickly (i dont think a stream with little commentary is fun to watch now is it?)
but time to decide is running out really quickly, im so torn about potentially ruining the game for me trying to stream it but also about there being moments i would want to share but will never be able to if i play it alone ... then again, of the people that follow me a tiny fraction is german and would understand what i say, most are zelda fans too so they would play it themselves instead of watching a crappy stream and if i wanted to have any kind of audience on twitch i would have needed to start building it years ago
i think years of isolation and loneliness are also playing a part in making this decision so hard for me despite there being clearly more points speaking for playing it alone
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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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pikslasrce · 2 months
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not me contemplating if maybe its better if i start attending lectures again instead of getting a job <- wants to do neither
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widevibratobitch · 3 months
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visiting my mother. idk what i expected lol
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skitskatdacat63 · 9 months
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My friend wants to hang out and i want to hang out but also just have absolutely no will to leave my house and not a lot of social capacity atm and UGhhhhh idk how to express that, like yes I want to see you and yes I like to see you but I dont think I have the capacity to be a fun person lately
#i think its just my tendency to kinda go offline out of sight during break#bcs there was a lot going on before so once break hits im like okay time to be a cave gremlin#like UGH i wanna see her and i like talking to her and i hate it but it gives me anxiety#i hung out w my other friend today which was nice but it was very structured like movie and ice cream. very nice very neat#i just feel bad because i really am no fun at all lately#like. hey wanna come over and watch me rot in my room?#i just feel distant idk#and she wants to see my school at some point but i just really have absolutely no will#there was that post i reblogged at somw point abt being alone and enjoying it but feeling insane#i really really like being by myself and doing my own thing but it also just makes me be in my own head way too much#its not like i think she has huge expectations for me or anything and she knows what im like#i guess i just feel like im being disappointing sometimes bcs i really dont like to do much out and about#and so id rather just *not* than to feel that way#haha that's why i always just mostly only hanging out by going to the movies bcs its very outlined and its out#because otherwise im like 'ahhhh....dont really wanna go out at all sorry!' idk i just feel distant#vent sorry just idk ahhhhh 😭😭 dont wanna ghost her but i just feel disappointing#and im sure wed have a fun time but i don't feel the will to i guess :/#catie on break is just social isolation sob sob sob#catie.rambling.txt
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todayisafridaynight · 10 months
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So there's my grammar teacher who used to be known as the intimidating one but like.. He's always been open to me and my friend about like what he watches and interests and has literally asked to see my writing
Do you know how awkward it is to explain the last thing I wrote was haha flower cough;"#+(@+%
(he liked the concept and deadass said "send it to me that's a command" and now I'm omw to write something entirely new because ain't no way I'm sending MineDai)
LMAO I WAS GONNA SAY YOU'D HAVE TO HOLD A GUN TO MY HEAD TO SEND SLASH FICTION TO MY TEACHER
#snap chats#i could never be that open with a teacher bro id rather get shot#will be epic to see what you end up cooking up for him tho. in pursuit of Not sending slash fiction lmaoooo#i wish i was able to be close with my teachers- closest i got was my art teacher during I Think my 1st or 2nd year of high school#he was SUCH a cool teacher and he'd always work on commissions during class#he was color blind so he had this really cool system on figuring out what the appropriate colors were for a client's piece#i remember one time we were meant to sketch those like. japanese scroll pieces Yk What I Mean#and while he did have preexisting examples for students who didnt know what to do (or didnt care LMAO)#he was just 'you always know what you're doing so you can freehand it' so that was epic :)#i drew a dragon.... cause im predictable...... but he really liked it so :)#man high school sucked but i also remember my english/comics teacher.. she was a really big fan of mine#she was especially passionate about my doing comics and doing art related things.. i get sad thinking about it sometimes#part of why ive always wanted to make a doujin was for her so i could send it to her and be like#'hey teach i still really like art look :)'. like when i say she was SUPER passionate about me It Was Super Passion#honestly she was my first big fan if im tbh- id never gotten support like that and i wish i valued her enthusiasm more#i was just mad depressed and angry in high school i just wanted to be left alone all the time.. but oh well no point in crying about it now#it'd be better if i could start thinking of a teacher-friendly doujin to make and give her... lmao.....#BUT YEAH NOT TO HIJACK YOUR ASK TO RAMBLE i hope you think of something to give your teach LMAOOO#just change the names full a Fifty Shades it's fine. terrible example but we know what i mean is the worst part
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zarovich · 2 years
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I cant stand this, cant deal with this constant exhaustion. im so damn tired yet no matter how much I sleep its never enough and i pass out through the day regardless. the worst!!
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narwa · 1 year
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god whenever im out of substances to dose myself up with the reality of how lonely i am just fucking Hits me
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zhuhongs · 2 years
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local 20 smth is going thru thry the painful ordeal of being known. point and laugh
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liminal-ladyy · 1 day
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I'm trying to think if I've ever had a good birthday and I don't think so
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vomitgaze · 28 days
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I wish I could rest my head on my friends shoulder and cry but I don't truly feel like we have a bond but more of a partnership where we are in each other lives just for the sake of not feeling lonely
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bugmin · 1 month
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the dishboy at my work jokes all the time abt how im annoying asf insufferable the reason he has a headache etc etc but today i said to him "its cause im loud and annoying" and suddenly he has a 180 attitude saying shit like "ur not annoying wydm. ur not annoying. what are u talking abt. ur not annoying" then i guess he was like wait we're not supposed to be that sincere with each other so then hes like "well its 90 91 maybe 92 percent because ur loud" right. so im gonna go home and think about you again. bye
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be-good-to-bugs · 6 months
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why havent i been talking to the much much cooler and better older sister who is a furry and super nice and fun to talk to and cares about my opinions and feelings instead of the one who cant respect boundaries and makes me feel like a mistake and doesnt care abt how i feel
#the bin#shes also the only normal person in my family#and when i say normal i mean it in a treats other people with respect way not in a societally normal way#cause she the least 'normal' of my family in that way. which is a good thing. be a freak. autism makes u cooler by default#idk. she sthe only person who i feel like actually cares about me and my opinion and wants to hear what i have to say and views me right#i wish we talked more when i was younger. shes so nice. i hope when i move we can houngout together more and maybe watch some movies#and talk abt stuff or smth. we r probably gonna play some games together soon which is nice#i miss her. i think i can also talk to her abt how our other sister kinda sucks. i know she views her pretty highly or at least used to but#i still think i can. i dont think itll make her uncomfortable.#ive been looking over the past years with my other sister and they havent really been any good mostly#ive just been so isolated and sad that it was better than nothing but its past that point now#if id had other people to talk to then i wouodnt have soent so much time with someone making me feel worse#i also think shes just made me a worse person overall. more judgemental. the past year ive become very against that trying hard to not#and she gets very upset with me when im like hey. yknow. id rather assume the best of random strangers not doing anything that bad#i dont wanna assume everyone is an inconsiderate asshole because they arent. life circumstances we dont know about could be#the reason for this honestly pretty mild inconvenience. if u wanna think otherwise then thats fine but dont day it around me#idk. im tired of it. im still super sad but ive become a much more bright and hopeful person because im trying to be#it actually sucks to view the whole world as horrible and everyone around you ass horrible#idk. maybe i can get my other sister to do the fun stuff with me i dont like doing alone#cause it makes me unbelievably sad to realize i dont have anyone to ask anymore at all. period. but maybe it doesnt have to be that way
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astral-catastrophe · 11 months
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Hate hearing my mom talk about my dad
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finelinevogue · 9 months
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lost n found
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summary - you are lost in italy the night before your wedding
pairing: fiancé!harry x reader
word count: ~2k
You were definitely lost.
Drunk and lost.
To: harry - im so sor:(y
From: harry - Baby, you’re fine❤️ Drop me your location and I’ll come find you. Please don’t move xx
To: harry - okaY.i love you xox
So currently you were sat on a stone wall, somewhere on a random side street in a small Italian village, waiting for your boyfriend to come and pick you up.
Harry had gone out with a few of his closest guy friends for drinks, for one last night as an unmarried man.
You and your girls had gone out for drinks too and you had mentioned to the boys that you would catch them up later.
At some point during the evening, though, you and the girls had all gone to the beach and you had gone to the toilet. It had been a trek to find one, only when you tried to find your way back you took so many drunken wrong turns that you couldn’t tell your legs from rights now.
Reading a map was useless, but sending Harry messages wasn’t.
You originally hadn’t wanted to send him any messages, not wanting to ruin his last night a “free” man but at some point you had become a little too lost to care.
Swinging your legs as you sat on the wall, you watched the birds fly overhead amongst the clear blue sky. You detailed all the cracks in the old buildings and counted twelve windows on one wall alone.
Your brain was fuzzy and your eyes kept on wanting to close from tiredness. You would be blaming a lot of your girl friends tomorrow for the continuous passing of shots your way.
Your phone rang in your hand.
“Yeah?” You answered, not even checking the caller ID.
“Baby? Love? Can y’hear me?” Harry asked.
“Yeah.”
“You’re not where y’said you’d be.” Harry sounded stressed.
“N-no I am. I sent you my location a-and I haven’t moved.”
You stood up and could feel yourself starting to panic. If Harry didn’t know where you were then there was no way of you knowing. Harry wasn’t ever a big enough drinker to get really drunk, unlike you.
You only ever got drunk when you felt you were in a safe environment, like tonight had been surrounded by all your closest girl friends. Or always with Harry.
Now that you didn’t have anyone and you were still drunk, you were getting anxiety of being alone and intoxicated.
Cue to shaky hands and tears.
“Are y’sure baby?”
“Y-yes. Fuck me. You’re not going to find me. Fuck. I don’t – shit – I.. I’m…”
“Hey, hey. Y/N, baby. Woah, slow down for me, okay? I am coming for you, okay? I just.. It was my mistake and I just need to relocate myself. You’re okay.”
Your phone was shaky in your hands and you started twisting your body around, as if expecting some random creepy guy to come around the corner and take advantage of you.
The twisting didn’t help your head, though, and was making you feel increasingly dizzy and sick.
“Y/N?” Harry asked urgently and you wondered whether you’d missed something he said.
“I-I’m scared.” You honestly said, backing yourself against a wall and trying to let the cool stone calm you down.
Your tears will no doubt have ruined your minimal makeup by now, not that that was a main priority of yours right now.
“Honey, you’re okay. I’ll be there soon, I promise.”
Harry sounded like he was running.
His voice sounded a little breathy and you could hear the fast movement of wind through the speakerphone.
“Y/N, love, turn on your data.” Harry said.
“I ran out.” You banged your head back against the wall, not even thinking about the pain that just caused.
You whimpered as you sank down onto the floor, knees tucked close to your chest and arm wrapped around your legs. Your phone was still to your ear, with Harry’s voice being the only sane thing in this moment.
“Okay, okay.” Harry muttered to himself rather than you. More running sounded from Harry’s end of the phone. “Baby, y’still there?”
“Mm.”
Your mind travelled to many worst case scenarios and due to how bad they were your panic only increased.
This was supposed to be your last nights as an unmarried couple and you couldn’t help but feel like you’d ruined that. He must’ve been having such a good night.
You’d seen a couple of photos on his private Instagram story and other people’s Instagram stories. Your fiancé looked divine. He just looked so perfect that it was difficult to believe that he had chosen you and you got to call him yours.
It did make you nearly cry that he was thinking of you, via Instagram, though.
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“You feeling okay, baby?” Harry asked.
“Don’t know. I’m so sorry, Harry.”
“It’s okay. I’m not angry or upset. Just want to make sure you’re okay, my love.”
“Okay.”
“So you have to be brave for me, okay?”
“Yes, okay.”
You got stuck for a moment, trying to think of possible ways you could calm yourself down and distract yourself. Luckily, Harry was already one step ahead.
“Hey, baby?” He grabbed your attention.
“Yeah.”
“We’re getting married tomorrow.”
You couldn’t help but let the smile take over your face. You weren’t scared at all for tomorrow. You had no nervous jitters. All you felt was love in your heart for your husband to be.
“We are.”
“And you’re going to look so beautiful.”
“So are you.”
“I can’t wait to see you in your wedding dress. I bet it looks so pretty.”
You sniffled, building back your strength and overcoming your anxiety. A lot of your strength came from the love you hold for Harry.
You heard a noise from your left and looked to see a cat rustling through some litter.
Your heart deflated when you realised it wasn’t Harry. You knew he was coming though. He was on his way and he would not stop running until he found you.
It was almost like a bad scene out of a romance movie.
The night before your wedding and something terrible goes wrong. It’s a sign!
“I think it’s just perfectly me.” You said, talking about your wedding dress.
“Sounds perfect to me then.” Harry paused for a moment. “Baby, did you walk under an archway, like, uh, a stone archway covered in pink flowers?”
“I-I don’t know. I don’t remember.” You ran a stressed hand over your forehead.
“Okay. That’s okay.”
“Everyone’s going to be so mad at me.” You began getting frustrated with yourself. “Fuck.” You breathed in a sob and exhaled with a bigger breath.
“Promise you no one’s mad, baby. Gem has messaged me a thousand times asking if you’re okay. I can’t even answer ‘cause this bloody maps apps is a fucking nuisance. I swear to–”
“Harry?” You furrowed your eyebrows, looking up from your knees to check your phone. He was still on the line. “Hello?”
“Y/N!” Harry shouted your name, but not from down the phone.
You could see Harry walking over to you very quickly, clearly panting from having run street after street.
“H.” You dropped your phone and cried as you saw him faster approach you.
Definitely a moment worthy of a romcom.
Harry was probably living his Ryan Gosling dreams.
“Baby, hey. I’m here. You’re okay.” Harry sank down to the floor and scooped his arms around you, pulling you close and squeezing oh so tight.
He sank down to his bum and leaned against the wall, pulling your entirely onto his lap. Too close wasn’t an option right now.
Your arms wrapped around his neck as you sat sideways on his lap. Your face was tucked under his chin and his head rested on top of yours. You cried as Harry held you tight.
You couldn’t see Harry’s facial expressions but he was breathing out sighs of relief, some tears in his own eyes from the adrenaline of trying to find you. He had been just as scared as you, but had to remain strong for you. Now he had you he could let it all out.
“You’re never going to the toilet alone again.” Harry laughed. You laughed back.
“Deal.”
“That was scary.” Harry kind of mumbled, but you heard him anyways. He kissed your head a few times and you melted at the feel.
“Harry.”
“Yeah, love?”
“My head is so dizzy.”
Harry used a hand to tilt your head up so he could see your face. He noticed your mascara ridden face first of all, but beneath that you were all beauty.
“Tequila is only our friend for two rounds, remember?” He laughed at you. He was able to tell from your eyes that you weren’t exceedingly drunk, but definitely tipsy.
“I did not remember.”
He nuzzled his nose against yours as he shook his head with a grin. “You’re such a handful, you.”
“M’sorry.” You pouted.
“Never said I didn’t love you as a handful.”
“Do you? Love me a handful?” You used a hand to stroke over his cheek that had gotten so scruffy with the stubble he was trying to grow.
“‘Course. Love you every way and anyway. Love you so much. Love you until my body literally decomposes my wedding ring off my finger, and then some more.”
“That was dark, even for a 2AM drunk thought.”
“It was, wasn’t it?” Harry chuckled, noticing that smile on your face becoming more and more permanent.
“But I’ll love you for the same.” You promised.
Harry kissed you then, not wasting another moment of this evening away from you. Well, morning now. His lips were soft against yours and you smiled into the kiss, happy that he was here with you even if it was under really weird circumstances.
“Let’s go, trouble. We’ll go back to the hotel and I’ll kiss you all night.”
“Don’t you want to spend the rest of your night with the boys? You know, last night as a free man?” Even though you were suggesting this, all you actually wanted to do was kiss, kiss and kiss him.
“Free man?” Harry furrowed his eyebrows with disgust, “What are you talking about?”
“You know? People say the last night before they get married is their last chance to be free?”
“Why would I need to be free when I’ve got you? I’m choosing you, like I always have. Never needed to be free.”
You smiled warmly at him. “I’m shackling you to me for life.”
“Too right you are, baby. Wouldn’t want it any other way.”
“Now, take me home, trouble.” You giggled.
“Oh. So I’m the trouble now?”
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liked by gemmastyles and 682,928 others
yourinstagram tomorrow i get your last name forever <3 p.s. i would like to state that harry bought himself that tshirt :)
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harryfan1 oh to be y/n l/n
jeffezoff Where did you two go?
harryfan2 moustacherry fans rrIISEEEEE
harryfan3 wish my bf supported me with tshirts like that
jamescorden Tequila anyone?
harrystyles I am planning on wearing that tshirt tomorrow.
yourinstagram @/harrystyles the tshirt but nothing else please
gemmastyles @/jamescorden They aren’t coming back for tequila….
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