#as someone who has panic attacks frequently due to social anxiety | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wonderland-lovebirds · 1 year

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Hey Mod Tsukasa!!! How are you?

Can I request a Kin Matchup for Genshin Impact, Danganronpa, and Cookie Run Ovenbreak?

You can deny If you dont want to do ^^

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I'm VERY introverted and I don't really like being among people, I don't talk much and I have problems communicating but I still like to talk a little, 100% quiet student in the classroom who only opens their mouth to say the answer, I have trouble expressing myself (mainly happiness and sadness, I rarely cry, and I don't feel much joy), I like to be isolated even if it will get me bullied, I'm somewhat nice and friendly, I'm VERY dramatic, if i'm not in a good mood there's a 100% chance i've given everyone a dagger glare and already mentally cursed someone out FOR NO REASON, and I suffer from anxiety ALL THE TIME, I can't get along with the students at my school, in the past I had SEVERAL anxiety attacks that led to recent events

If you count real life situations... I suffer bullying for being quiet and because I suffered from several anxiety attacks, most of my family have some problems with me because I am DEMISEXUAL DEMIROMANTIC, I have suffered some trauma in the past that contributed to at least 60% of my mental and social problems

~ 🇧🇷

Yep yep! Sure thing 🇧🇷 Anon! Sorry this took a bit to finish I kinda struggled with the cookie run Ovenbreak ones, but I hope you're satisfied with your results! Everything should be under the cut for you!

Xiao

My first thought was Xiao. He's definitely more introverted and doesn't like being around people all that much, usually found just keeping to himself and staying on his own. Doesn't really talk all that much either, unless he really has input on a certain subject or topic of discussion. He doesn't show much emotion either, usually pretty stone faced. He can be nice though! Like he is towards the Traveler or Zhongli. Though of course there's the frequent glares he can give people. He probably has anxiety too being the conqueror of demons and all.

Cyno

Secondly I thought of Cyno, he is absolutely more introverted. He doesn't talk to others much nor get along with them well due to his appearance, basically case of resting bitch face. Definitely glares a lot due to his intimidation tactics and all. He usually works and stays alone and isn't the best at communicating unless it's work related. Usually doesn't show emotions either, like Xiao. Can be friendly, but definitely more rare to see.

Ei/Raiden Shogun

Lastly I thought of Ei. She's definitely more introverted than most, spending most of her time locking herself up and reading some books. Doesn't really speak much to others and sometimes even struggles to communicate due to not doing so for a while, other than Yae Miko. She doesn't show much emotion either, usually pretty stoic about everything. Though she definitely can get agressive pretty quickly and sometimes for no reason if she takes something you said the wrong way.

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Mukuro Ikusaba

Firstly I thought of Mukuro Ikusaba. She is definitely more introverted and doesn't really speak much unless spoken to. She definitely shows some anxiety as well sometimes when being adressed. Usually pretty stone faced though and doesn't really show any emotions. She can be scary at times and glare or get violent given she's the ultimate soldier. Usually pretty fair with others otherwise.

Maki Harukawa

Secondly I thought of Maki Harukawa. She is more introverted and doesn't talk to anyone hardly at all, even if she's adressed it's not uncommon for her to ignore you. She works alone and stays alone for the most part. If you piss her off she is quick to get violent or send a deadly glare your way. Doesn't show her emotions hardly at all.

Mikan Tsumiki

Lastly I thought of Mikan Tsumiki. She is absolutely more introverted and doesn't speak a lot. She is filled head to toe with anxiety often found stuttering or fumbling over her words and it probably wouldn't be hard for her to slip into panic attacks. Like you she was also bullied and made fun of in the past. She's typically kind towards others, though even she can be pushed over the edge sometimes.

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Onion Cookie

Firstly I thought of Onion Cookie. She's pretty introverted given she scares pretty easily and doesn't really talk all that much. Definitely would be that quiet studen you referenced to be. While she does cry she doesn't really show much joy or any other emotions other than that sadened or scared state. She's pretty nice and friendly though. Absolutely has anxiety and given her fear of ghosts there could be trauma tied into that.

Crowberry Cookie

Secondly I thought of Crowberry Cookie. They don't really talk to people unless it's to get their hands on some jewels. They're pretty well mannered though for the most part. I absolutely believe they would get agressive just to try and get a jewel that they had wanted but are struggling to steal off someone else. Given they spend most their time flying around in the air by themselves I'd say they could be introverted.

Peppermint Cookie

Lastly I thought of Peppermint Cookie. They tend to spend most of their time by the shore alone. So they probably are more introverted than most other cookies. Half the time they're zoned out and staring dreamily at the horizon of the ocean, so needless to say they don't really show much emotion often. They're pretty kind given their friend the Peppermint Whale.

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anonymousandsick · 2 months

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List of things that I've done as someone with depression, general and social anxiety, and autism (TW for basically everything):

-Stalked my friends social media accounts to see who they were being tagged by and how often they hung out without me or were online without answering

-Bought and made a lot of different things for people because I thought they were going to leave me

-Missed a lot of work and school due to severe nausea, headaches, and lack of motivation

-Sometimes take hot/freezing showers that are painful

-Gave myself several piercings as a form of socially acceptable self harm (this is not automatically self harm, but that was my intention when doing it)

-Worked on something I was hyperfixated on until I threw up from hunger

-Used to not brush my hair for months and just wear it up and cry when I had to eventually brush it (when I was a child and had long hair)

-Cried or yelled while trying on uncomfortable clothes

-Went about two months without showering

-Went about two months without changing clothes

-Didn't eat anything but snacks for over a week several different times because I didn't have the energy to make anything

-Didn't eat anything for days because I felt so sick

-Threw up from anxiety several times

-Didn't leave the house for months and stayed in my room unless I had to go to the bathroom or grab food to take back with me

-Had several visible panic attacks in public

-Went (actually) nonverbal at several places like arcades and other loud places

-Dissociate at most public places (I remember things but everything gets fuzzy and it's hard to describe)

-Hit myself in the head because of Emotions (didn't matter if they were positive or negative)

-Laughed at very inappropriate times- especially when something was upsetting

-Started arguments because I didn't understand that the person wasn't being serious/misinterpreted tone

-Got people mad at me for talking about the same things too much

-Spent way too much money on things I liked multiple times

-Sleep either all day or not at all

-Had trash pile up in my room

-Got ants from this

-Almost cry any time I do something wrong or get criticized

-Haven't learned how to drive

-Cried and hit myself out of frustration over sensory issues and also over losing something I really cared about for five minutes

-Never try anything new

-Insanely picky

-Pick at my skin all the time

-Would probably be described by people as childish and immature even though I used to be considered mature for my age as a child

-Permanent burnout and art block

-Have gone weeks without shaving my face even though it looks really bad

-Talk too loud or quiet a lot of the time

-Used to be very bad at being discreet and masking

-Thinking about the way I used to act and all the cues I missed and different things I misinterpreted makes me feel sick and now I constantly think about it and what I'm supposed to be behaving like

-I still don't understand most social rules

-I can't make any decisions and it has ruined my life

-Memory has gotten very bad

-Got confused about whether something was a thought, dream, memory, or recent event a concerning amount of times

-Frequently lose track of time, sequence of events, and relativety of things

-Can't talk whenever I think about telling someone that something's wrong

-Feel incapable of sharing or expressing certain feelings and thoughts

-Frequently feel like I can't talk and only make humming noises in response to things

-Procrastinate most things regardless of whether I want to do them or not

-Constantly think about what other people are thinking and avoid being perceived while also being depressed that I'll never amount to anything and I'll die a nobody

-Ran out of clean underwear and flipped them inside out because I couldn't get myself to do laundry

-Watched a TV show I was hyperfixated on until my ears started ringing and I felt like I was going to pass out from not sleeping

-Didn't brush my teeth until they became uncomfortable (somehow didn't get a cavity??)

-Purposefully sought out sensory things that are painful to me as a form of self harm

-Get tunnel vision any time someone I don't know talks to me or when expected to do something (answer a question, do a task, whatever)

-Had sensory issues completely ruin multiple different experiences that would've otherwise been great

-Constantly experience such bad chest pain and anxiety that it feels like a heart condition

-Get frequent pain in my jaw, shoulders, and back from tensing

-Sought out validation from the wrong people/doing the wrong things multiple times

-Lied to people to get out of doing things or going places

-Made jokes that went too far/hurt people's feelings without realizing until much later

-Have a hard time apologizing to people (this is something that I NEED to work on, I understand)

-Used to literally hide in my closet

-I have trauma dumped on people without thinking about the consequences or how it would affect them

-I have had one-sided conversations where I overtook, talking about my hyperfixations and not realizing that I wasn't letting them talk

-I have reached out to people after months of ghosting them due to guilt, not realizing that doing so would actually just make it worse for them

-Got told multiple times that I'm rude and sound like a robot and still don't understand how

-Didn't go to college even though it's what I've always wanted to do

-Cried out of frustration for people not understanding me multiple times

-Overshared with multiple people because I didn't understand boundaries or appropriate topics until way later than most people (I still get it wrong sometimes)

-Spend most of my time being unproductive and just consuming whatever content I am hyperfixated on, fantasizing about being a part of it, etc.

-Lost my job

-Ghosted my therapist

-Almost threw up washing dishes

-Didn't change my sheets for six months

-Didn't do any laundry besides underwear for almost a year

-Ran out of room for anything because I collected too many things

-Cried in public multiple times

-Ruined multiple different relationships by not communicating enough

-Basically ghosted multiple people

-Broke up with several people after severe depressive episodes and not communicating or reciprocating any affection (not an excuse)

-Acted "weird" in a way that annoyed people, got me bullied, and made them dislike me

-Looked through different things on the Internet to make myself feel bad (stuff about death, mental illness, bigotry, etc)

-Had imaginary friends when I was younger whose sole purpose was to ridicule me and make me feel bad about myself

-Had imaginary friends who were just characters from things that I liked and I had a lot of conversations with them when I was past the age that people usually do that

-Avoided my friends for weeks and sat alone at school

-Made a lot of concerning jokes that I regret making because it just made people feel bad

-Clung to multiple different friendships that weren't good for me because I didn't have any other friends

-Missed when people I knew were being fake friendly and was called the gullible friend

-Gave up on most things that I wanted to do

-Gave up on anything I wasn't immediately good at

-Missed most opportunities in my life

-Became full of regret and gave up on life as a teenager

-Was terrified of becoming homeless due to an inability to work and keep a job by the time I was in high school

-Was terrified of living through different life transitions by the time I was in middle school to the point where I hoped I'd die before they happened

-Thought I was going insane multiple times

-Became restless for no reason and felt like I was going to explode but had no way of making it go away

-Thought I needed to go to a mental hospital multiple times

-Thought about doing drugs and drinking frequently

-Fantasized about different ways to die

-Made myself throw up a few times

-Gave myself bruises

-Almost broke a bone by hitting it repeatedly (including one time when I had to use crutches)

-Gave myself hundreds of scars in several different places

-Painted with my blood because I thought it was funny in a very morbid and fucked up way

-Tried to kill myself multiple different times

Before you comment something stupid like "ew doing x is gross/bad" just know that I am aware and that is kind of the point of the post.

#mental illness #autism #anxiety #depression #trigger warning

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blackstonesandtrapnest · 3 years

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NANA Characters in Quarantine

I was inspired to write this since I had to go under quarantine earlier this month due to coming in close contact with a co-worker who tested positive for COVID. I returned to work this week and I’m doing just fine! If you wish for me to do this with one of the fandoms on my list, then feel free to request it!

~~Nana Osaki~~

Does NOT handle quarantine well at first. Being unable to sing makes her jittery and cranky! Will literally rant and rave to anyone who listens and she’ll do that for hours!

But once she gets all of the frustration out of her system, Nana will come up with ways to make the best of the lockdown. Surprise, surprise, they’re mostly music based!

Will use this opportunity to come up with new material and has video calls every night with the band to discuss it. They’re not gonna sit around and be lazy when they could be getting creative as far as she’s concerned!

If she’s with her S/O or Ren during the quarantine, then it’ll make things much better for Nana since she’ll have someone always around to talk to and just share company with! Cuddles! Lots of cuddles! Just don’t tell anyone though.

If Nana is alone during lockdown, then her anxiety will definitely spike and she’ll have panic attacks more often. When that happens, she’ll usually call or text someone while using the paper bag method to keep herself calm.

~~Nana Komatsu~~

Is pretty bummed about the lockdown but doesn’t want to complain and prefers to make the best of it instead. Will definitely be talking Nana down and off the ledge when she gets too annoyed.

Decides to make BLAST and Trapnest masks to sell online which become extremely popular much to her delight. Yes the bands approve and yes Hachi is making masks for them!

Is the most likely to gain weight during lockdown. Will look up recipes online and try them out which is the cause of said weight gain. Hachi loves food after all!

You can definitely expect to see Hachi on social media a lot and it’ll be her main way of keeping in contact with her friends and family. Livestreaming and making cooking videos will definitely keep Hachi occupied alongside her mask business!

If Hachi is with her S/O, she’ll definitely be doing many things with them and trying to make them a part of her videos which will be very cute and adorable! Awwwww!

~~Nobu Terashima~~

Takes the lockdown quite well. He’s pretty introverted so being alone and isolated for a while doesn’t affect him as much as others.

Uses the free time to write songs and new material just like Nana and they call every day with new pieces and ideas.

Spends a lot of time on social media and donates to a lot of humanitarian causes, persuading fans of BLAST to do the same which always succeeds.

Will gladly fight anyone who thinks the pandemic is a hoax, is an anti-masker, or just don’t wanna obey guidelines. You’re not gonna get other people sick on Nobu’s watch!

Likes to livestream and play music for his fans whether it be covers or original material. Hachi is one of his mods and his biggest supporter.

~~Shinichi Okazaki~~

The lockdown affects his living as a gigolo (if he still does it by then) so you’re damn right Shin doesn’t like it! He hates being restricted and you can expect long-winded debates between him and Nobu on how the pandemic should be handled.

If Shin has an S/O and is with them during lockdown, they can expect a lot of sex and overall intimacy! No one is surprised if Shin ends up getting said S/O pregnant. If he’s gonna be cooped up in the house for a while, then he could at least get some action out of it!

Is lazy AF during lockdown and isn’t interested in music or social media. In fact, don’t expect to hear from Shin during quarantine at all. Everyone has to initiate contact with him first and yes it pisses them off.

The only way to get Shin to do something productive is if his S/O threatens to cut him off sexually and goes through with it. He’ll do anything to get some WAP! Speaking of which, expect to see Shin dancing to music and expect to hear it playing a lot.

The only social media posts Shin will be making is photos of him and his S/O as well as getting on Nobu’s nerves. Shin gets tons of followers because of his looks but his heart is for his S/O only and he proudly displays that!

~~Yasu Takagi~~

Anticipated the lockdown and went shopping beforehand. He’s always prepared.

With an S/O, Yasu will use this opportunity to get closer to them and have deep conversations that can last for hours. Also lots of cuddles and affection! Yasu’s S/O will definitely be spoiled!

Yasu will be working from home so expect to see him on his laptop a lot. He will be doing video calls frequently with BLAST and upper management at Gaia as well as his law firm if he’s still a lawyer.

Likes to binge-watch YouTube videos and browse on Reddit. He likes to interact with his favorite YouTubers and give advice on Reddit like the kind person he is. Yasu will also donate to humanitarian causes like Nobu does.

Acts as the peacemaker during arguments between Nobu and Shin. Will also calm Nana down if her anxiety flares up. Got any problems? Call Yasu! He’s always available!

~~Ren Honjo~~

Gives no shits about the lockdown and is zen AF. He has to stay inside for a while? Ok!

Is mostly gonna spend the days in bed with his S/O (if they’re with him) and just wants to be close to them. Sleeping is Ren’s best friend!

If Ren is still using drugs, then he’s gonna be unbearable to be around since this means he’ll have to go through withdrawal and will have no way to get the drugs.

Will be unreachable during lockdown if he’s with his S/O. They come first as far as he’s concerned and he wants to make up for lost time with them as much as possible.

Will play music just to brush up on his guitar skills. May join Nobu on one of his livestreams every now and then and play with him as well as chat with fans.

~~Reira Serizawa~~

Has the same reaction as Nana when it comes to the lockdown and has bitching sessions with her about it too. Everyone is annoyed (except Shin) and if anyone tries to interrupt, they get bombarded by Reira and Nana to the point of not being able to get a word in.

Is bored AF and literally doesn’t know what to do with her time. Calls everyone and annoys the hell out of them to the point where they block her number. Reira just wants some company! 🙁

Spends the most time on social media out of everyone and mostly sings songs for her fans. Yes she takes requests and yes she gets a lot of them. Joins Nobu on his livestream whenever Ren is present and provides the vocals for their music. It instantly goes viral as one would expect.

If Reira has an S/O, they can definitely expect her to be clingy and trying to always have their attention. If they’re working from home and have to do video chats, Reira will definitely be in the background and will bring you things if you ask. She may or may not be appropriately dressed.

Loves to listen to other musicians on Spotify and will shout them out and uplift them. If anyone sings a cover of one of Trapnest’s songs, Reira will cry with joy and happiness!

~~Takumi Ichinose~~

Takes the lockdown in stride surprisingly enough. He doesn’t want to risk getting sick nor does he want his bandmates getting sick.

Decides to relax more instead of working which shocks most people. If Takumi has an S/O, he’ll want them to stay with him but if they can’t, he’ll settle for calls and texts.

Sex, sex, and more sex! His S/O will definitely be worn out unless they have a high sex drive and if they get pregnant, Takumi will be happy and expects it to happen unless you use birth control.

Likes to try new challenges and will have a YouTube channel dedicated to that. Such content includes eating a Carolina Reaper pepper, drinking very strong cocktails, and gaming-related challenges. Yes Takumi is a gamer and his rage is legendary.

Does weekly video calls with the band to make sure they’re taking care of themselves and staying safe. No one’s getting sick on his watch!

~~Naoki Fujieda~~

Hates the restrictions and whines about being stuck in the house all day, everyday. He wants to have fun damn it!

Will do anything and everything to keep himself busy and if he has an S/O with him, they’ll be dragged into it too! Naoki doesn’t want you to be bored!

Will do challenges with Takumi and plays video games a lot whether it’s by himself, with his S/O, or with Takumi. His livestreams are a riot and there’s plenty of laughter to be had, especially if Takumi is present.

Likes to upload skits and rants that become quite popular due to how funny and true they are. Also gives advice to people which actually works and makes their lives better.

Always makes sure his appearance is on point and likes to promotes fashion brands, ideas, and trends. Naoki loves beautiful things so expect to see a lot of pics of just that!

~~Junko and Kyosuke~~

Kyosuke takes the lockdown in stride while Junko panics. Junko ends up furloughed (she’s a salesperson) so she worries about finances.

Kyosuke comes up the idea of doing art commissions for money and it becomes a huge success. Junko decides to join in and also makes and sells masks with Hachi.

Their sex life becomes much more active during lockdown and it’s quite noticeable with how relaxed Junko is. Teasing them about this will just make Junko act like a tsundere and Kyosuke act smug.

They network with other artists worldwide and become quite involved, especially in the black community.

Kyosuke watches various livestreams while Junko sticks to services like Netflix and Hulu. Kyosuke is a mod for Hachi’s livestreams and Junko catches up on her favorite shows while live-tweeting with fellow fans of said shows and having discussions.

#nana #nana anime #nana manga #anime headcanons #quarantine #lockdown #pandemic woes #nana osaki #nana komatsu #Nobuo Terashima #Yasushi Takagi #Shinichi Okazaki #Ren Honjo #takumi ichinose #Reira Serizawa #Naoki Fujieda #junko saotome #kyosuke takakura

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nblenasabrewing · 4 years

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Does Lena have PTSD?

This excellent post from @drummergirl231-2 goes into a detailed analysis about Della and the examples showing possible PTSD. I, being who I am, wanted to look at the same for Lena. Full credit goes to them for the idea and format!

According to the DSM-5, in order for a person to be diagnosed with PTSD, they must have a certain number of symptoms from eight categories: Criteria A through H.

For a diagnosis of PTSD, someone needs: to meet Criterion A to have at least 1 symptom from Criterion B to have at least 1 symptom from Criterion C to have at least 2 symptoms from Criterion D to have at least 2 Symptoms from Criterion E to meet Criteria F, G, and H

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional. I do NOT have a degree in anything related to psychology and simply enjoy dissecting the layers of a fictional character. If you feel you fit any of the criteria, please see a professional for a real diagnosis. This isn’t something that can be easily self-diagnosed, and a professional diagnosis would open you to more opportunities for help.

Lena does and doesn’t fit the criteria in general for PTSD. She’s certainly suffered from traumatic events, but the event is more... her entire life. She’s a classic child abuse victim, which makes her more of a candidate for C-PTSD.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape. Being stuck with Magica for fifteen years absolutely contributes to Lena’s current issues. C-PTSD and PTSD share similarities, there are a distinct differences - mainly that PTSD focuses on one event and the effect it has on a person long term, while C-PTSD focuses on years of repeated trauma. However, there’s no approved criterion yet for C-PTSD. So I’m using the PTSD criterion with some added explanation where C-PTSD would be applicable.

Criterion A: The traumatic event

A person must be exposed to one or more events involving threatened or actual death, threatened or actual serious injury, or threatened or actual sexual violation in one of the following ways:

Direct involvement

Witnessing the event happen to someone else

Hearing about it happen to a loved one

Repeatedly hearing details about traumatic events, such as police officers repeatedly hearing stories of abuse

The obvious example here: Lena effectively died. Twice. Following that, she was trapped in a realm where she couldn’t be seen or heard by anyone and she couldn’t touch anything for six months (give or take). Her first interaction with anything since she had been trapped there was smacking the Boggle case in Friendship Hates Magic! And even she’s surprised by that.

In addition, she spent fifteen years with Magica in her shadow, who effectively acted as an abusive parental figure. She’s proven to be an expert in gaslighting, and knows exactly how to manipulate Lena - by hanging the promise of freedom over her head and reminding her repeatedly that people will think she’s a monster if they find out the truth about her.

Criterion B: Intrusive Symptoms

Expected or unexpected reoccurring, involuntary, and intrusive upsetting memories

Repeated nightmares related to the traumatic event

Some form of dissociation, such as flashbacks, where the individual truly feels the traumatic event is happening again

Strong emotional distress when exposed to internal or external triggers associated with the traumatic event

Strong bodily reactions (such as rapid heart rate) when exposed to reminders of the traumatic event.

Nightmares: While we can’t say for absolute sure that Lena has nightmares outside of Magica’s influence via the helmet in NOKH, the fact that no one is surprised by her nightmares does seem to imply that’s she probably had more than she’s letting on. Lena’s biggest fear is turning into Magica, after all - it’s no surprise she would have dreams along that line.

Emotional distress, strong bodily reactions: These really come out in Violet’s library, when Lena gets overwhelmed and tries to hide. The fish-eye view of everyone trying to talk to her while she sees Magica over their shoulders was most likely meant to imply she was having at least the start of a panic attack.

In addition, her reaction to Webby calling her (looking like Magica) a monster was pretty extreme. Again, the dream world setting makes things a bit wobbly, but given everything we know about Lena up to this point, and the fact that she yelled at Magica for saying they’re both monsters, it feels safe to assume she’d be angry and upset and scared if anyone ever called her a monster (again, something Magica constantly used against her.)

Criterion C: Avoidance

An individual with PTSD will frequently avoid reminders of the traumatic event in one of the following ways:

Avoiding thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations that trigger memories of the traumatic event

Avoiding people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations that bring up memories of the traumatic event

Whether the nightmares were caused by Magica or not, their effect on Lena is real and pretty easy to see. She sets up an entire sleepover just so the kids can help keep her awake. Avoiding sleep to avoid nightmares is pretty extreme.

She also continues to keep secrets from everyone despite Webby’s constant reassurances that they all care about her and don’t think she’s anything like Magica, because the alternative is having to talk about it or worse, have her fears confirmed.

Criterion D: Negative changes in thoughts and mood

The inability to remember important details of the traumatic event

Persistent and elevated negative thoughts about oneself, others, or the world

Exaggerated self-blame or blame of others for the cause or consequence of the traumatic event

Pervasive negative emotional state (anger, fear, shame, etc.)

Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities

Feeling isolated or detached from others

Difficulty experiencing positive emotions

Lena’s opinion of herself seems to be pretty low. We only get one episode to really see it, but her fear of turning into Magica and active attempts to avoid such an outcome definitely make it seem like she still considers herself “evil”, and is trying to make up for it. She also readily gives in and says, “I am her”, essentially giving up on herself.

The dream adventures also excellently illustrate how Lena feels “Othered” from everyone else - they get butterfly wings, she gets weird monster wings. She falls behind at Dewey High and is separated from the others. She’s the only one in Louie’s dream, aside from Louie himself, to experience any sort of physical change. Even when she tries to be happy with them, she can’t keep up the facade.

And before all of this there’s the classic example of her being jealous of Violet (under the guise of protecting Webby from being tricked again). She immediately assumes the worst of Violet and follows Webby around telling her not to trust Violet.

Criterion E: Alterations in reactivity that started or worsened after the traumatic event

Irritability or aggressive behavior

Impulsive or self-destructive behavior

Hypervigilance (feeling constantly on-guard, or like danger is lurking around every corner)

Heightened startle response

Problems with concentration

Sleep disturbances, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless sleep

Lena’s personality in season one was mostly that of the sarcastic, irritating cool teenager who can’t be bothered. Under that, she was an unwilling slave to Magica, and while she did show irritable tendencies toward her, those can be forgiven as “Magica is terrible and provokes her.”

Season two, on the other hand, shows us a much different teenager - one who snaps easily and seems constantly frustrated by her own perceived shortcomings. Those emotions, of course, come out on the other kids (i.e. snapping at Huey and Violet). And while all of that can be attributed to her inability to sleep, which is being driven by Magica, Frank’s already said this isn’t the last we’ll see of Lena’s emotoinal growth and negative feelings.

Criterion F: The above symptoms must last for more than one month.

Obviously time is relative in Ducktales. Given everything that was going on around them, we can assume she’s been home for around a month-ish. Donald left for a month-long cruise two episodes before Lena came back, and everything after that has to have taken place within that month or it would have been way too obvious something was up. And again, Frank has said this is going to come up again. But even while she was still in the Shadow Realm, she was showing signs of trauma.

Criterion G: Distress from symptoms significantly impairs the individual’s ability to function in multiple areas of life (social, occupational, etc.).

While we haven’t seen much of Lena’s daily life, we do know a few things - before returning, she was living in Webby’s shadow, presumably following her around and getting comfortable in her shadow-y life. Violet throws a complete monkey wrench into that comfortable life, and Lena reacts... poorly, to say the least. She initially refuses to take responsibility for the tulpas feeding off her own negative feelings, continuing to project all the reasons she hates herself onto Violet (”She’s a spy, she’s a second-rate me,” etc.).

In NoKH we see that the triplets aren’t quite used to the fun, happy persona Lena tries to project, which immediately gets a frustrated yell and fire flaring up. She’s so worried about trying to be Good that her anxiety bubbles over into her life. She’s also constantly keeping secrets, something that is, unfortunately, normal for her, but not normal overall.

Criterion H: The symptoms are not due to substance abuse, medication side-effects, or another condition.

So the real issue comes in here - while there’s no medication or substance abuse, there is an outside force. Most of what we see of Lena’s symptoms are due to increasing sleep deprivation via Magica’s brainwave helmet. By the time NoKH starts she’s already gone at least several days without sleep, and it’s obvious the dreams are deeply affecting to her, to a point where she arranges an entire sleepover with her friends just to keep from going to sleep. There’s no way to know what she was dreaming about (although I have a few theories), but it almost certainly involved Magica, the main cause of her trauma. And we see how understandably upset she gets when she’s finally face to face with Magica.

In conclusion:

Lena is a complicated character with a lot of different factors playing into who she is, but there’s little doubt that after fifteen years of emotional/psychological abuse, two deaths, and six months trapped in what could almost be summarized as an isolation chamber, that Lena has some serious trauma. And while Magica influenced a lot of NOKH, it should also be noted that Magica, as her abuser, most likely acts as her trigger now. She spends the entire dream sequence running away from Magica, terrified to confront her. And while she has an amazing, empowering moment at the end of the episode, I’m sure this is going to come back up again.

(***All GIFs by me)

#Ducktales #Ducktales 2017 #Lena de Spell #Lena le Strange #long post #Sam's Meta #So much went into this #including making those GIFs #I've been working on this for..... several weeks dear god #please show it some love

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timerogued · 3 years

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JACK’S MENTAL HEALTH.

TW for mental health, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, the lot.

jack’s official and clinical diagnosis were not completed until he was around the age of 24 but has suffered from the symptoms of his illnesses for as long as he can remember. his diagnosis was done professionally first by counsellors at his workplace, then by a doctor, and finally by a clinical psychologist. in his official notes jack is described as high functioning which comes into play a lot - this will be talked about a little bit later on.

his diagnosis are: clinical depression, anxiety (generalised and minor social anxiety), and minor psychosis. with reference to his psychosis, he has not had it checked out or determined as much as the other two so his counsellors are unsure if his psychosis is there because of his depression (which can develop if not treated correctly) or because of other underlying causes - aka. because of everything he has seen playing around in his mind and developing the psychosis on its own. ( psychosis can develop on its own but is more common under depression ).

DISCLAIMER: DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND PSYCHOSIS AFFECTS EVERYONE IN DIFFERENT WAYS. I WILL BE EXPLAINING / EXPLORING JACK’S MENTAL HEALTH THROUGH MY OWN EXPERIENCES, MY OWN DIAGNOSIS, &. RESEARCH OF THESE CONDITIONS.

DEPRESSION: the main symptoms that jack suffers with are bad self-esteem, constant manic-to-depressive episodes, lack of motivation, suicidal thoughts / suicidal tendencies, being irritable / sensory overload (which falls into his anxiety too), a lack of appetite, and a disturbance of sleep.

SELF ESTEEM: this does not just focus on appearance but also extends to having bad self-esteem about everything he does. jack can often be heard mumbling “i can’t do this” to himself and can slip through in conversation if his anxiety about something is high - and can be about absolutely anything. depending on how bad his days are he can feel like this about minimal things - ie getting changed, making food. if he drops a glass of water this can set him off because “fuck, i can’t even do this right!” it can also mean he has pre-thoughts about doing something. he’ll expect the absolute lowest of outcomes when doing work, food, anything.

on top of this he’ll often apologise for anything. remarks of “i’m sorry it’s not great”, “sorry i’m like this”, “sorry for being a downer all the time” with no prior conversation on the matter. this leads to an eager / want to please his peers and often doesn’t realise he’s doing it.

his self-esteem about his appearance does not affect him as much as it used to but small things still linger. when looking at a mirror he’ll often just stand in silence at his reflection - analysing everything about his face, an acceptance that he’s “alright looking” and will follow with a defeated sigh. however, he’s learnt to control himself from doing this and so-often will say a compliment to himself.

jack has learnt to almost deal with most of his problems. it’s not an acceptance or change about them but deals and carries on his life feeling like shit. he can often feel uncomfortable when in public or even at home when wearing the wrong type of clothes. ( self-esteem about his face includes the shape and the fact he always has dark circles around his eyes. he’s more inclined to hate his body - including his scars and the fact that he’s not exactly “in-shape”. again, he’s learnt to deal with this ).

to carry on with being uncomfortable, jack can be very hit and miss about compliments. someone has to be persistent for him to “accept” what they’re saying, but too many can draw too much attention to him and can make him extremely uncomfortable. if you want to compliment jack, don’t be too forward but be soft. he’s more likely to say thank you about it!

MANIC TO DEPRESSIVE EPISODES: when jack is manic he’s still depressed but takes a twist on it all; there’s laughter and jokes about what he’s suffering with. during these episodes he’s more likely to be accepting that his mental health is being ridiculous but will often follow them with a shrug. eg. “hey i feel like i want to die but whatever who doesn’t anymore lol”. this can cause adverse reactions on those around him - you are more than welcome to call him out and tell him it’s making you / the muse uncomfortable.

but be warned: once he comes out of his manic state it’s straight back into being depressed - but it shoves him right down to the bottom. he will mentally “beat himself” up for what he has said / done during these. this is a period when his low and irritable mood will be at full effect. this does not happen every day and he will tell when he feels like it’s about to happen.

MOTIVATION: there will be days / weeks at a time where jack will have minimal motivation. he will still do things due to him being “high functioning”. high functioning is defined as suffering with these issues and feeling the full effect of them, but still be able to go about their day. with jack, this affects him in the way of: he’ll still do things he needs to but gets little to no satisfaction from completing the tasks.

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS / TENDENCIES: he likes to believe he’s past his suicidal thoughts but during bad nights they will come flooding back. he does not act on them. suicidal tendencies come through with a lack of self-care: crossing roads without looking, looking for rushes that could potentially kill him, a willing to sacrifice himself without a second thought.

sometimes he can be irritable and suffer with sensory overload - this means he can often come across as nasty but he won’t act on it. he’ll probably just warn you that he’s not feeling great and any anger that comes from him is because of that. he will never take anything out on another person.

APPETITE: he has very little. he’ll eat one to two meals a day with occasional small snacks if necessary. he can and will go days without eating because he just doesn’t feel hungry or, due to a lack of motivation, can’t be bothered.

disturbed sleep and insomnia come under the psychosis diagnosis more than the depression but he has no average sleep. sometimes he’ll be out for an entire day, other times he’ll have breaks of being asleep, but more often than not he’ll find himself up until the early hours of the morning and surviving on 3 or 4 hours - then sometimes not sleeping at all.

PSYCHOSIS: this can be determined as its own diagnosis or as an episode. jack’s still hasn’t been completely determined. an episode can be anything from only suffering with it once, to consistent suffering that could last years. psychosis has been defined as a “lower schizophrenia” and medically has been linked to the eventual development of the condition - however that is not all cases. jack suffers with: hallucinations, paranoia, and confused disturbed thoughts / speech.

HALLUCINATIONS: jack’s hallucinations are limited to shadows / silhouettes of objects or people and can often be seen as things rushing past him. hallucinations can include hearing voices that are not there which jack also suffers with. these voices used to affect him more but after much training and accepting that the voices aren’t there, he’s getting used to them. a big thing about jack’s hallucinations is knowing that they’re part of his mental health issues which grounds him big time. this does not stop them from happening and on certain days could affect him more by causing them to be more realistic or the belief that they’re there to hurt him.

DISTURBED SPEECH & THOUGHTS: disturbed speech and thoughts is when someone will switch topics during conversations or lose their train of thought during a conversation and can bring it to an abrupt pause. jack does both of these. as with everything else, it’s something he’s learning to control, but during bad episodes (manic, depressed and even affecting with his anxiety) it could appear more frequently. how to know when jack does this is that he’ll often say “uhh where was i going with this” or “shit. what was i gonna say?” literal seconds after knowing. he will give absolute no warning when switching topics. he cannot help this.

his depression / psychosis can be affected by the change in seasons. this is called seasonal affective disorder (abb. sad). his psychosis is worse at night which results in him not sleeping and will lead to extreme paranoia when he’s out in the dark. things he will be paranoid about is seeing people / shadows around him and thinking that they’re out to get him. when he’s in bed he can often see these faces come right up to him and he believes if he doesn’t wake up in time they’ll get him. there’s always the anxiety that something is behind him. behaviours he’s picked up from this is anything from double-checking an area he knows is safe, a build-up of anxiety around opening doors, and having to close windows / curtains at night for the fear that he will see something ( he often does ). this can cause nightmares and they can become very visual due to everything he’s seen from work / the streets / his mutant ability.

ANXIETY: anxiety disorders can be different for everyone and can randomly be triggered. for most people anxiety can be physically and mentally draining which untreated can develop into anxiety and depression. to jack, this is his worst disorder that he suffers with because he can’t deal with the symptoms. there are two aspects of an anxiety disorder: the physical symptoms ( panic attacks etc ) and the mental symptoms. jack mostly suffers with the physical aspects but can feel the full mental side of them too. due to his anxiety being untreated for a long period of time he also suffers from minor social anxiety.

PHYSICAL ASPECT OF ANXIETY: jack feels like he’s always full of energy. this energy can come from excitement or happiness but can quickly turn into a panic attack if untrained. people can often find it difficult to separate anxiety attacks from genuine excitement ( i suffer largely from this ). this causes him to be restless and hyper-fixated on things going wrong around him. time can seem to slow down and during panic / anxiety attacks he feels like there’s focus on him and him alone. this will stop him from doing anything.

this can trigger for no reason. there will be random worry about anything - but it is more likely to happen when in a social situation. jack does not take medication for his anxiety (or anything) but drinks to “calm his nerves” before doing certain things. he is not reliant on alcohol. however, this can affect his depression the next day and turn into an endless cycle.

his panic attacks start with a twist-feel in his stomach before becoming restless in his legs and arms - usually shaking. this then turns to his breathing which becomes rapid and difficult to control, which then leads to his heart beating uncontrollably - when your chest hurts during a panic attack this is usually the reason. ( panic attacks can be confused with heart attacks - that is how serious the feeling can be ). these can last from a few seconds to at least 10 minutes. after a panic / anxiety attack jack will be very much on edge and anything could cause another. he can have up to 10 a day.

MENTAL ASPECT OF ANXIETY: having the boundless energy locked inside of you can cause extreme mental issues. it’s exhausting. anxiety can cause different reactions in different people, some can get angry, others upset. jack gets upset and will cry. this then makes him feel awful for the rest of the day. he’ll get migraines which in turn can make him more exhausted and his depression can be worse as a result of that. after an episode of panic jack will be extremely vulnerable depending on the situation. as he’s got older he’s been able to have one and go “okay that was an inconvenience. anyway” and continue on; this may not happen all the time.

he’ll often feel like a failure for having them, which in turn feeds his self-esteem and so the cycle continues on.

SENSORY OVERLOAD: sensory overload occurs when one or more of the body's senses experiences over-stimulation from the environment. it is more common with people who suffer anxiety and autism - however i can only speak for the anxiety side of it. bright lights, loud noises, they’re part of sensory processing issues that can be a key part in one’s anxiety. my own personal sensory processing condition means i cannot look at certain lights without me triggering an anxiety attack and if in the facility of a loud noise i will have an anxiety breakdown. jack also suffers with this but not to a high extent. loud noises can set off his anxiety but will not push him into an anxiety attack. however, constant subjection to them can have a serious impact on his mental health.

HIS MUTANT ABILITY: the sensation he has after activating his power is extremely similar to a panic / anxiety attack, and could actually trigger one if he is not focussing properly. during times of extreme anxiety it can set his mutation off and could send him somewhere in time he doesn’t want to be and if he doesn’t calm down - he might get stuck there for a while.

jack has seen many things with his mutation; whether it be for his job or normally, he’s seen a lot of death and has seen things happen that he cannot stop from happening. this can, and has done, trigger a mass depressive episode if bad enough.

sometimes his anxiety can work in his favour. jack is terrified of arriving late, doing something wrong, not submitting things on time - this does mean that he’ll be up to 15 minutes early before things, submitting things hours before they’re due, and making sure that everything he is doing is right (don’t get me wrong, this also affects him because if it’s not perfect then i can’t do anything right - feeding back into his self-esteem). in his own words: “hey it may cause me to have a mental breakdown but at least i did what i needed to!”

jack will see his mental illnesses in a humorous light and is extremely open about them. he’ll make / share jokes about what he suffers with - this can lead to suicide jokes so if you’re uncomfortable, tell him. he believes if he can’t make a joke about this then he’s not really moving on / accepting what he suffers with and ultimately can defeat him and is why he’ll make light of a situation ( even if it is inappropriate. because he’s an idiot ).

#wanted to geeeeeeeeeeeently place this onto here #as jack's mental health is SO damn important to me #and how i portray him!#so give this a read if you'd can <3 #mental health tw #anxiety tw #psychosis tw #depression tw #suicidal thoughts tw #headcanon.#ooc. » minoan enthusiast.#ask to tag :)

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rxremediesinc · 3 years

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What is Anxiety

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a completely normal human experience. In our fast-paced world, it is an essential and unavoidable part of our daily lives. The appropriate amount can enhance performance, motivate action, and encourage creativity. However, an anxiety attack or an anxiety disorder is something altogether different. Anxiety that isn’t appropriately managed can lead to emotional distress and physical illness.

Why Do We Experience Anxiety?

Anxiety is a physiological response to a perceived threat, and is designed to keep us safe. It triggers the sympathetic nervous system to activate the “fight-or-flight” response. If we were to cross paths with a bear, the amygdala (neurons in the brain which play a crucial role in processing emotions) would perceive a threat. This perception would trigger the release of adrenaline.

Our heart rate would increase, our breathing would speed-up, and our muscles would tense. Meanwhile, other biological systems would shut down. We would stop digesting, and blood would divert from the stomach, skin, and reproduction systems, to ensure enough oxygen reached the muscles necessary to either fight or flee.

The chances of running into a bear at the office are pretty slim. However, these physiological responses do not differentiate between threats. Your boss, your date, your thirty-year mortgage may all stimulate the same “fight-or-flight” response.

Individuals who do not suffer from an anxiety disorder can process this moment of fear and stress as temporary or situational. However, for individuals prone to severe anxiety, the logical part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) can’t regulate the amygdala. This causes both tension and fear to build. What differentiates someone who experiences anxiety from someone who has an anxiety disorder is whether or not the sense of panic is physically and emotionally debilitating, as well as disproportional to the situation.

Where Do Anxiety Disorders Come From?

Anxiety is the most common mental illness, affecting more than 40-million adults in the United States every year. There is no known cause for anxiety disorders. However, research indicates there is a correlation involving genetics, brain chemistry, medical issues, or traumatic life events.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD): constant and excessive worry about activities or events.

Panic Disorder (PD): Sudden, frequent terror that peaks within seconds (panic attack).

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD): high levels of fear and avoidance surrounding social situations due to fear of judgment.

Specific Phobias: intense fear when exposed to a particular object or situation.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): uncontrollable and reoccurring thoughts and/or behaviors that require repetition.

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): triggered by a terrifying event, either witnessed or experienced.

Anxiety disorders are treatable. But, studies show that only 37% of those suffering seek help. These results are disconcerting, as anxiety can be alerting us as to a medical issue, such as heart disease or diabetes. Therefore, the first step in diagnosis is to mention your anxiety to your physician. If your doctor suspects the root cause is a health issue, they may order tests to rule out a potential problem.

Genetics, Brain Chemistry, and Trauma

Anxiety disorders can be genetic. If one of your parents suffered from an anxiety disorder, you are genetically predisposed to anxiety. Women are twice as likely to suffer from anxiety as men. There is also a connection between anxiety and brain chemistry.

The human brain contains hundreds of neurotransmitters. These naturally-occurring messengers deliver information throughout the brain. If these messengers are imbalanced, individuals can experience a variety of issues. However, the most common is anxiety. The neurotransmitters that most significantly contribute to anxiety are serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine.

Neurotransmitters and genetics aren’t the only possible causes for anxiety. Trauma can also result in unprovoked and excessive fear. The human brain continually collects information and builds associations. Through this process, it learns to avoid harm. Taste aversions are one example of this phenomenon.

If we become ill from spoiled salmon, we might become nauseous from even the smell of fish. If our grandmother made chocolate chip cookies every weekend, the sight or smell of cookies could make us feel right at home. Similarly, if mugged after purchasing a cup of coffee, our brain may associate the smell of coffee with the trauma of the crime.

Treatment and Therapy

There are a variety of successful techniques for mitigating anxiety, varying from exercise, mindfulness therapies, diet, talk therapy, and medications. Which method works best varies from person to person. However, of the potential remedies, behavioral treatment, in combination with medication, has the highest success rate for those suffering from an anxiety disorder.

Talk therapy involves working with either a psychologist or a cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT) in a group setting or a one-on-one session. Psychologists focus on psychotherapy by relieving emotional and mental suffering through behavioral intervention. It is a collaborative process, where the two will work together in identifying specific fears, challenges, and effective coping mechanisms.

However, a CBT will highlight cognitive processes (thoughts, images, beliefs, and attitudes), and seek to alter negative interpretations that reinforce distorted thinking. This process involves tracking and recording dysfunctional thinking, and systematically replacing them with healthier thoughts. Neither a psychotherapist nor a CBT can prescribe medications. For that service, you will need to work with a psychiatrist whose primary course of treatment is medication management.

There are a variety of different medications for treating anxiety attacks and disorders. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, these medications are broken down into four classes:

SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor): relieves symptoms by blocking the reuptake of serotonin by targeted cells in the brain, leaving more available, which enhances neurotransmission (improves mood).

SNRI (serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor): increases levels of the neurotransmitters serotonin and norepinephrine by preventing reabsorption into cells in the brain.

Tricyclic Anti-depressants: Inhibits reabsorption of neurotransmitters serotonin and norepinephrine.

Benzodiazepine: mitigates physical symptoms of anxiety, such as muscle tension, used as a short-term means of relieving stress.

These four classes of drugs have been found useful in treating anxiety.

However, they have varying side effects, some of which are more severe than others. Research has discovered natural alternatives for creating more serotonin in the brain. Still, there are plant-based medicines, such as cannabidiol (CBD), that have been found quite useful in alleviating anxiety.

Cannabidiol (CBD) is a cannabinoid, which is a naturally occurring chemical compound produced by both the hemp and marijuana plant (Cannabis Sativa). Similar to the cannabis plant, which produces over 100 different cannabinoids, the human body also produces cannabinoids (or endocannabinoids). These endocannabinoids are carried throughout the body by a series of receptors known as the Endocannabinoid System (ECS). The ECS is responsible for regulating a variety of physiological and cognitive processes. However, homeostasis between the mind and body is always its primary objective.

CBD has a low affinity for two of the ECS receptors (CB1 and CB2), although it does influence other receptors, such as serotonin. Research indicates that at high concentrations, CBD activates the 5-HT1A (hydroxytryptamine) serotonin receptor, which can result in CBD’s anti-anxiety effect. CBD can also enhance or inhibit how a receptor transmits its signal. Scientists report CBD interacts with the GABA-A receptor by increasing the receptor’s ability to bind with its agonist, gamma-Aminobutyric acid (GABA). GABA is the primary inhibitory neurotransmitter in the central nervous system. Anxiety medication (such as benzodiazepine) works on GABA receptor transmission. CBD also works on GABA, but more naturally, by modifying the shape of GABA-A in a way that magnifies the tranquil effects of GABA.

CBD is non-intoxicating, non-addictive, and as reported by the World Health Organization, “…is well tolerated with a good safety profile.” Its anxiolytic effects are scientifically supported, making it a viable, plant-based treatment.

As the human species advances, new stressors and new triggers will present themselves. But, the goal is not to cure anxiety, as anxiety in itself is not an illness. Instead, the goal is to learn how to experience anxiety in both a healthy and productive way. With the aid of talk therapies in combination with plant-based medicine, sufferers can begin that healthy and productive process.

The post What is Anxiety appeared first on Rx Remedies Inc.

source https://rxremediesinc.com/what-is-anxiety/%20

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luckyladylily · 5 years

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$4000 of unexpected medical bills, please help if you can

I am going to explain everything in detail, but I am going to put the donation link at the top so people can find it easy. I set up a Ko-fi for people who can give that way and I will add other things to this post when they come up. Reblogging also helps a ton, please consider at least spreading the word if you can’t help yourself!

Why do we need help?

My daughter is autistic, 4 and a half, and as of yet effectively cannot communicate. She can’t communicate like other 4 year olds, but she is easily as smart as other 4 year olds so, for example, she knows how to unlock our door, use the elevator in our building, and could easily decide that she wants to go outside and play and get hit by a truck in the road. This sort of thing is why she needs someone keeping a close eye on her at all times. She is a wonderful little girl and I don’t consider it a burden, but it does make getting even a part time job out of the home impossible for me, no day care that we can afford will accept her because she so frequently needs 1 on 1 attention. This is what I do 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Even if I could get a job it would probably be difficult to do. I have 5 mental conditions that have been judged to be disabling in their severity, including major depression, social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and ADHD. I also have major damage to my feet that can make walking incredibly painful, and nerve damage in one leg that causes me daily pain.

My wife is currently providing for my family, but there are limits to what a single person can do.

If this was all we could probably make it on our own but we have had a great deal of unusual financial stressors that have made providing even basic needs nearly impossible.

The first was an unexpected bill of $7350 from my university. When I was forced to drop out of school due to my mental health one of my semesters of student loans was retroactively canceled - meaning I had to pay the university back for the student loan immediately. I was able to make a deal to pay it off over 10 months (no interest), payments starting on the final day of our final notice to pay the bill. We are nearly through this particular one, only 4 payments left, but it has been incredibly difficult paying this on top of rent, my normal student loan payments, and other monthly expenses.

We then had a major problem with our car in late January. My wife needs her car to get to work, She works a 2 AM shift so no buses can take her at that time, so not getting it fixed was not an option. That cost us around $800 and wiped out what little money we had managed to put away for emergency.

Then last month we had a major medical expense. One of my mental health symptoms is that I grind my teeth while I sleep, which has weakened my teeth considerably. We had to deal with one of the long term effects of this last month when I needed a root canal for two separate teeth that had been weakened by my grinding. In addition, one of those teeth was unusual (having 3 roots instead of the 2 usual for that tooth) and required a second root canal performed on that tooth by a specialist. Even with the best possible dental insurance we can get through my wife’s work that still cost us nearly $2000, and I was in severe pain for nearly a month as it was all sorted out.

Less than a week after the second root canal appointment (before they were even able to put on the crowns!) I had an unusual pain in my stomach that rapidly got worse until I was forced to go to the emergency room doubled over in pain. Turns out I was having a gall bladder attack due to gall stones and had to have emergency surgery to have it removed. The emergency room visit alone cost us $200, and while we don’t have the bill for the surgery yet it is likely going to be around $1800, at which point our deductible will kick in and should pay for anything else. Again, this was with the best possible insurance we could get.

It has been less than a week since the surgery and I am still in recovery, and will be for at least 2 more weeks.

We have applied for assistance, but because we make too much trying to pay off that extra 735 a month we don’t qualify for stuff like food stamps. Last time we applied for disability benefits we were unable to get them and because we are so poor I have not been able to get consistent enough treatment to try again (I will need doctors letters as part of the application process).

On top of all this my wife’s work decided to cut her hours by 25% a week ago.

At this point we are not sure how we are going to make our bills. If we can absorb these unexpected medical bills and get past the last payments to the university we should be able to rebuild our finances, but we are just not sure how that is possible. We are looking into any and all options. We have already asked family and friends, and if anyone out there can help at all with donations we would greatly, greatly appreciate it.

Also, I am going to be offering writing commissions. I’ll make a more detailed post about that soon, but if you are interested you can send me a message here on tumblr or to my email at [email protected] and we can discuss it. I am planning on $15 per 1000 words for the first commission to see how it goes, but that might go up. I am willing to write almost anything including highly kinky/fetishy smut if that is what you are into. Don’t feel like you can donate but you would be willing to spend a bit of your entertainment budget for a story about your OC’s doing pet play? I can make that happen. Check out my fanfics for example of my writing, there is a link to my AO3 page on my blog.

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baixueagain · 4 years

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ok venty reflective blog entry time bc I find it helps me get shit off my chest & calm my anxiety.

tl;dr I had a shitty teen friendship that to this day has left me with enduring trauma symptoms lol

at least once a year I find myself reflecting back on one of my closest teenage friendships. towards the beginning it was (at the time) probably the deepest platonic bond I had ever shared with anyone, but over the years things soured until finally it became well and truly toxic and finally ended disastrously. we tried on two occasions to make amends as adults, only for it to crash and burn again because of the baggage.

now toxicity in this case went both ways and I know that I had ownership in what happened. my RSD ass for one was clingy and needy, which was only exacerbated by a very long episode of major clinical depression that started when I was around 16. I could also, like many teen girls, be a real catty little shit at times. I had a hard time with social cues because of my neurodivergence, but I will note that I have always tried extremely hard to listen and respect others when they tell me that I’m doing/saying something which annoys them, hurts them, or otherwise bothers them. thing is, though, you kind of have to tell me if something bothers you, or else I might completely miss out on or misinterpret your reactions. it’s not so much a lack of empathy as just the signals get completely crossed. people send off so many signals that I sometimes can’t sort them out.

as a result I have made a lifelong habit of conscientiously trying to communicate that I am open to hearing feedback and trying to resolve interpersonal problems. I did it back then, too, because this was far from the first time I’d had trouble reading social and emotional signals, or getting them confused.

anyway, that said, what sticks with me about this particular friendship is that as things progressed this friend, let’s call her A, began to treat me not only like a burden, but like a monster, sometimes reacting to me with both fear and hatred. that was the confusing part. she did it in front of others, making it clear how she saw me, and that was the humiliating part. she also had long talks about her problems with me with other people (who were already openly mistreating me due to my neurodivergence), but she rarely ever told me that she had problems with me, even though I pretty much begged her on multiple occasions to tell me what I was doing wrong. that was the painful part.

ever since then I have had the occasional bout of extreme guilt, shame, self-hatred, and anxiety as I wonder if maybe she was right to treat me like that. maybe I was a monster. maybe I had been horribly abusing her and never realised it. maybe my attempts to reason with myself about all this are just the typical excuses abusers make for their behaviour. maybe i’m a monster, or else why would A have treated me like a monster? why else would so many of the other people in our mutual social circle have treated me like a monster? fuck, am I the baddie?

hell, throughout those years, when my other friends and family tried to convince me that A was treating me unfairly, I consistently defended her to them. I told them that they didn’t know A like I did. I told them that I must be doing something wrong. I must deserve the way she was treating me. sometimes, like today, I still find myself in that spiral of anxiety and self-blame.

on days like today, I have to consistently remind myself of the things A did do, making a goddamn list in order to silence the screaming in my brain telling me that I am the sole fuckup:

she downplayed things, dismissed them, and even shamed me when I told her on multiple occasions that some powerful people in our social circle were openly mistreating me and a few other (obviously ND) kids

she confided in these same people about our friendship and took their advice on how to treat me

she basically used me as her free therapist for years, and because I didn’t know better I let her. she meanwhile refused to see a real therapist for some of the very real issues that she had, even though I literally begged her (in tears) to please go to a professional about these things because I couldn’t handle them on my own.

she lied to me. a lot.

she used me to lie for her to others, including to her own parents. I let her, because I thought that’s what loyal friends do.

she frequently treated me like an annoying child in public because of my hyperfixations and other coping mechanisms

she frequently treated me as if symptoms of my illnesses - including literal internal bleeding - were just me trying to manipulate her for attention

years later, A basically admitted to seeing me as a freak who is unable to socialise with “normal” people. she acted as if I were being unreasonable and overreacting when this made me angry.

as I would learn even more years later, she would frequently assign malicious intent to my awkward or unusual (but otherwise innocent) social behaviours. this, it turns out, is why she’d sometimes randomly start treating me with fear, revulsion, or anger, with me being completely clueless as to why. (note: I have other close friendships that started around the same time as my friendship with A and which have endured to this day, and none of those people have ever had very much trouble with talking to me about behaviours that inadvertently upset or bother them)

she continued to do this during both our attempts to make amends. when I finally realised what had been happening and told her how it made me feel during the second attempt, she cut off all communication completely. by this point it had been nearly a full decade of this behaviour from her.

but of course, even when I sit down and write all these things out, the little whisper in my brain still tries to convince me that she could probably make an even longer list for me so I must be the monster she thought I was, right?

then again, while writing, I’ve come to something of a realisation: if a friendship from my teen years has left me with symptoms of emotional trauma that have lasted into my fucking thirties, then maybe I’m not the asshole in all this. maybe my crippled-ass brain is telling me I’m a monster because, during a very important developmental stage of its maturity, someone I loved and trusted repeatedly treated me like I was a monster.

I mean, only like 2-3 years ago, I suddenly had a memory surface of A’s dad yelling at me in public, in front of dozens of people, and then leaving me to have a meltdown/panic attack in front of those same people - all because I tried to ask her why she was (yet again) treating me strangely. I don’t remember what he was yelling about, or why. I can only suppose that she had told him that I’d done something heinous. that, or he just saw that his precious little girl was treating the local freak like a scary monster and decided that it must be for a good reason, because that freak’s a freak.

this occurred a full decade before I actually remembered it for the first time. I even called up my parents to confirm whether it actually happened, or if I was imagining things. it had.

so yeah. I’ve always known that all that business fucked me up. I guess it just fucked me up even more seriously than I’d ever expected.

#long post #personal venting don't mind me #abuse mention #i guess #not sure how else to tag for it

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commander-hanji-zoe · 4 years

Note

Do you have any advice for a new blog?

🌸 Oh this is such an interesting ask, I’ve been thinking about it for a few days now, sorry it’s taken a while to get back to you but I was thinking how best to answer it! While this blog has only been around for 3 years and I’ve only really started posting in it recently, I have had my main tumblr blog for 10 years and several side blogs with quite a few followers so I’m hoping I can provide some insight! I do apologise as this turned into a bit of a ramble that I feel is about tumblr but beings to overlap into life advice lol - I blame my age. 🌸

1.) I would say firstly, enjoy it. I feel sometimes there’s a lot of pressure to get loads of followers, create new content etc. and you can forget why you’re here. I got tumblr to reblog photos of things that made me happy from bands to tattoos, movie stuff, art etc and occasionally I would forget that and end up getting bogged down in comparing stats and myself to others. So yeah, enjoy it and remember why you joined ^_^

2.) If you love work that others create (writing/art/gif sets etc.) show your appreciation not just with likes but with comments and reblogging where you can/feel comfortable doing so. Likes are great and always appreciated but comments help to inspire and reblogging means more people will see their work. It encourages content creators to continue creating, it’s also a really good way of gaining followers and make friends. If you support others they will likely support you in return.

3.) Share the art/fan art/cosplay photos you love as per above - but don’t repost work. This was something I wasn’t really aware of when I first joined tumblr, a lot of people would just save photos from google or deviant art (it was a very different place back then) and post them on tumblr to show appreciation. But often there would be no artist detail or link to the artist, instead if you find something you like reblog it from the creator. If it isn’t on tumblr and you’d really like to post it here, contact the creator and ask their permission to post - then include a link in the post and explain you have the artist’s permission.

4.) Talk to people :) - Okay like Alice in Wonderland here’s some advice I could really use sometimes! Through tumblr I have met some of the most amazing friends. When I first started out I started chatting to a girl who went to the same Uni as me, we met up to go for coffee, browse record shops and saw The Vaccines together. I’ve also met numerous people who encouraged me to go to Hobbit Con in Germany - I had the most amazing time, remained friends, one of them came to my wedding. I guess the message here is that internet friends are great and you never know what a friendship can blossom into. If there’s someone whose work you admire or blog you love, don’t be afraid to reach out and send a message, even if you feel a bit silly (I often do!).

5.) Tags - My take on tags is pretty simple, tag correctly. I often tag things quite heavily but I make sure that I only tag characters that feature in a post or fandoms that feature in that post etc. You often come across posts where every character in the show has been tagged, I get why people do it, it means the post will come up in more results but it is rather infuriating when you’re looking for something specific. It also looks messy and can make things hard to find on your own blog. So yeah tag the show/film/book etc, tag the relevant characters, add whatever tags you want regarding your feelings/emotions about the post or thoughts on it. But ideally keep it relevant. On that note, tag ships (people often blacklist ships they dislike or that they find problematic) so doing this helps everyone. Anything that’s only really suitable for people 18+ tag however you see fit (due to Tumblr’s changes last year we had to revert to tagging things on the citrus scale again so I tag anything like that as lemon as well as nsft) Finally Trigger/content warnings - I do use them, some people put warnings on everything, some people don’t do at all. Again like with shipping it is helpful for people who have

6.) Remember to take breaks - tumblr can be a little addictive and easy to pass time (like social media) so remember to take breaks, when you get back they’ll be loads of new stuff on your dashboard to look at ^_^

7.) Follow loads of blogs! I probably should have put this higher up. But have a think about the kind of content you want to see and spend some time searching for blogs that fit that, I also find it’s nice to follow some more aesthetic blogs or blogs that are calming/relaxing, seeing things like that on my dash is always a reminder to have a breather!

8.) Enjoy playing around with themes - decide what you want your blog to be about (and remember there’s nothing wrong with having a main blog that’s a little bit of everything you love as well as personal stuff!) and then have fun with the settings. There’s a lot of free tumblr themes, some of which are pretty neat and user friendly in terms of customisation. Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you’re stuck.

9.) Side blogs are also really great. I begun to create side blogs because I didn’t want to spam my main blog with Game of Thrones, The Hobbit, Red Dead Redemption 2 or Attack on Titan, so I created side blogs. I still post about all these things on main but not as frequently. A side blog can also be good if you want to create a blog you can share with employers - I have a side blog for my photography and one for my writing. Sideblogs are also a good way of keeping certain material away from the blog where people in real life are most likely to find you. Generally I won’t post 18+ material on my main blog, so smutty fan fiction etc. goes on the side blogs. As a side note, when you have a side blog you cannot like posts or ask questions as that side blog - it will be from your main blog.

10.) Try not to get disheartened if you create original content and it doesn’t get a lot of attention at first. When you create a blog it can take time to gain followers/traction. But remember as per point 1, that Tumblr should be fun and creating content should first and fore mostly be for you and your enjoyement. But if you continue to create, tag appropriately but also show appreciation for fellow creators there’s no reason why in time you won’t flourish. And as per point 3, if you reblog others work there’s a chance they in return will reblog your art.

11.) There’s extension kits you can get for tumblr, I know some people use them and find them helpful. I’m not sure they’re as poplar/needed now as they used to be. I used to use one but don’t feel the need now, however might be worth a google or asking someone more knowledgeable to see if it’ll work for you.

12.) You can blacklist tags through settings, if there’s any ships, characters, things you’d rather not see on your dash or that you find upsetting or triggering I’d recommend blacklisting them. If people tag correctly you shouldn’t much/if any of it.

13.) Under blog settings you can also choose whether you want your blog to be searchable via the email address you registered with and on google. I switched this off pretty much as soon as it became a feature! My blogs, even my main blog are a piece of me which is only shared with a select few people in real life. I really do not need my colleagues, employers, certain family/friends finding this!

14.) Use Queues! I adore a queue.... Once I discovered they were a thing I try to have around 100 posts in my queue on main at any time. You can amend how many times you post a day (mine is around 8-12 times, I change it when i go away). It just means your blog remains active even if you can’t really log on for a week or two or if you’re on holiday. Occasionally I’ll add original posts into my queue with writing, it can be nice to come back and see the feedback. A lot of people put ‘queue’ in the tag, but you’ll realise most people have a quirky tag. For example on main mine is - one does not simply queue their way through tumblr. And on my red dead blog it’s - I had a god damn queue! Sadly on here I haven’t got one yet!

15.) Finally I would say engage in discourse as little as possible. It can be tempting and while drama can be fun for a while, even just to watch from the outside it can quickly escalate into something nasty and toxic. At first you might want to join in but tumblr can be, well it can be a lot at times and very noisy with everyone screaming their opinions and trying to be louder than the person before. I would say no fandom is inherently toxic, but it happens. A fandom I was heavily involved in last year had so much discourse and there was so much drama that even though I wasn’t involved in it my anxiety was through the roof, I had a panic attack over it and felt paranoid. After speaking to other older members in the fandom I felt much better (they too were annoyed with what was happening) and we realised that essentially a lot of it boiled down to a real lack of critical thinking. I’m not saying don’t get involved at all, sometimes I have seen things where I’ve felt things need to be said/action taken especially when it comes to intolerance and hatred. But I would say when you do engage - pick your battles. (I hope this last one makes sense). I started writing a lot more and going into the politics of it and ranting about bigots and then thought that’s probably enough! 😁

I hope this post helps! Like I said I’ve never been asked something like this so it took a bit of thinking but these are some of the key thoughts I had.

edit - I meant to add that obviously the above is just my opinion and based on my experiences on tumblr/thoughts about things.

#asks #blogging #tumblr stuff #advice I guess?#rambling #non aot #non snk

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diivinitiies · 4 years

Text

→ headcanon: jae-ha’s ptsd.

i remember mentioning a million years ago how i was gonna try to write out something about how jae-ha’s mind works and basically the influence that his childhood abuse ( which was physical and mental // emotional ) had on him. so here is an attempt to expand on it a little more. idk i probably will edit this more as time goes on but i wanted to post this here really for my own reference.

jae-ha has complex ptsd ( with psychosis ) given that it was chronic abuse ( happened over a period of 12 years ). he didn’t have many of the protective factors either — he was socially and physically isolated, and his abuser was really his only point of contact ( though i often mention garou as his sole abuser, the villagers were also complicit in this abuse, and really the purveyor of it ). his mental d/o is undiagnosed, even in his modern verse ( since he had no interest in going to therapy & refused to ). i’ll split this up into childhood and adulthood manifestations because while he hasn’t “gotten over it” he has shifted in the symptoms he primarily experiences. his coping mechanisms into adulthood make the existence of these issues more subtle, but sometimes he does experience the other ( childhood ) symptoms, just less frequently than when he was younger & usually brought on by a trigger. just fyi, jae-ha will probably never really speak about this in its entirety, especially the hallucinations.

CHILDHOOD // TEENAGE YEARS

paranoia // distrust // hypervigilance — constantly on edge around others, didn’t really want to stay in one place // he was constantly on the run thinking that the villagers would be after him, even long after he left // he was often distrustful of the intentions of others after garou died and he lived on the streets // he had to deal with people who wished to use him & his powers for his own benefit even outside of his childhood home and that further cemented his distrust in those around him

anxiety surrounding being touched — usually manifesting as initial flinch // recoil // disgust reflex due to an expectation of pain. might have reacted violently to it as well, depending on how someone touched him ( if it was a harsh touch, he’d respond likewise ) // he’s likely to be more hesitant around men than women

flashbacks — an almost constant thing // mostly it was garou’s voice echoing in his mind but at night this turned to nightmares of him being chained again or used for his powers

insomnia — to avoid the nightmares that plagued his sleep, he’d often just stay up to try to avoid it, resulting in many sleepless nights // he’d often have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep

hallucinations — auditory, visual, & tactile // seeing ghosts // feeling the weight of chains on his wrists and ankles though they were no longer there // hearing garou’s voice echoing in his mind or the sounds of chains at night or at other unspecified times

panic // anxiety attacks — these could come out of nowhere or actually have a trigger ( usually being touched, having arrows aimed at him, threatened to be shot down ) // when confronted with dangerous situations, he’d hyperventilate, start to think he was going to die, etc.

angry and violent outbursts — could come from being touched or from feeling powerless // if he wasn’t progressing as he thought he should, it irritated him // when he couldn’t block garou’s voice from his mind, he would lash out // sometimes his anxiety & panic attacks could turn into outbursts of violence

withdrawal // isolation — avoided getting close to people // as a child, he would keep people at a distance through more aggressive mannerisms // in modern, this was a big reason why he refused to go into the adoption system — if his own blood didn’t want him, who would ? garou always told him that no one would want him.

internalization of negative assumptions — he was always told he couldn’t fit in // he was a monster // no one would accept him and this added to his tendency to withdraw from others out of the fear that he would be rejected or other expectations of pain // he also experienced immense guilt for leaving garou behind and for stealing his life away // often times he did believe that he deserved the abuse that he got

risky behaviors — included stealing // drugs // general recklessness

dysphoria — just general feeling or state of unhappiness, often pervasive

ADULTHOOD

fetis..hization of pain instead of anxiety surrounding it — so he basically reconditioned himself to think differently about being touched to lessen his discomfort surrounding it // masochism can be used as a coping mechanism, in a way it’s taking control; jae-ha had no control over the pain that he experienced as a child, but re-framing it in a consensual context helps him come to terms with abuse

memory repression — avoids thinking about anything to do with his past abuse at all but certain things can make him remember and cause him to withdraw ( usually he makes jokes about the subject, tries to brush it off, and then withdraws completely if the subject is pushed // may get angry tbh )

claustrophobia and cleithrophobia – basically caused by his fear of being tied down without escape or enclosed in small spaces, and this can trigger panic attacks // flashbacks // this can also trigger his anxiety, and if he’s trapped long enough, starts to have these fears of death or nightmares about dying // feelings of powerlessness or hopelessness can overwhelm him // he had this when he was younger too and it carried over

withdrawal // isolation — in short, he has highly developed social skills that preclude vulnerability // instead of being reserved or aggressive as he was when he was a child, he comes off as friendly and open, but he does have many mental walls up // he shies away from emotional intimacy, but is fine with physical intimacy // in a way he can… kind of sabotage his own relationships because he has these internalized negative views, which is one of the reasons he shies away from commitment and tells himself he’s fine with being alone ( but he craves acceptance and intimacy ) // he over regulates his emotions a lot of the time, not allowing himself to feel certain things because he doesn’t want to return to the anger and recklessness of his youth

internalization of negative assumptions about himself — such as being a monster, ugly, undeserving, never going to fit in, etc. — but instead of believing them outwardly, he over compensates by putting an emphasis on beauty, his appearance, independence, and freedom, convincing himself he’s better off alone instead of people don’t want me // his over confidence masks his insecurities

self-medication — not saying he’s an alcoholic, but will turn to it in order to escape the discomfort of the present // in modern verses, he uses drugs like weed and smoking cigarettes for that, along with alcohol still // he has used harder drugs before but that was in his youth

tendency towards protection — he’s very protective of others who he may or may not consider weaker and it’s because he doesn’t want people to experience what he has, basically

insomnia — not as bad as when he was younger, but he can still find it difficult to fall or stay asleep; his sleep habits really aren’t the best even as an adult // he does still have nightmares, though less frequent than in his childhood

dysphoria — certain reminders of the tragic event can trigger a general drop in his mood that may last a while

hypervigilance — manifesting more as keen perception than paranoia, since he has a better handle on it // he is very aware of people’s nonverbal cues, facial expressions, tone, etc. and he is very aware of his surroundings

chronic pain — dull aches and pains usually around his wrist and ankles // he’ll get bad migraines // can manifest in other areas of his body, but the aforementioned areas are the most common // honestly he barely notices the pain anymore

thoughts jae-ha has had regarding his trauma:

maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough // maybe it was my fault // he was abused too, it wasn’t his fault // i shouldn’t still be angry // i let him die, i was killing him, i deserved it, i’m guilty // garou’s right, i’m a monster // if they realize i’m a monster, will they still accept me? // if i wasn’t a monster it wouldn’t have happened // it doesn’t matter if i get hurt, as long as no one else does, and i’m used to it // no one will accept me, i’m a monster // i shouldn’t bee feeling this way // i can’t let anyone know how i feel // i’m a monster, monster, monster // garou should’ve killed me

#( ❝ a beautiful monster // headcanons. )#child abuse ment ///#drug mention //

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holdmedownlaw · 4 years

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2019 – the year I hope could be the start of my renaissance.

Some people know I have chronic insomnia. I often talk about it with my family, friends and those others whom I think should know about it. But nobody really knows how difficult it is to be battling such illness. The suffering is unspeakable; much worse than I can ever describe it. Allah knows.

It started the night before my birthday in 2008. I couldn’t sleep not because the following day was my birthday but because it was my first day in College. I thought it was just that normal night when you don’t get to sleep “because tomorrow is a special and you are so excited about it.” So I went through my first day in college tired but I still had fun nevertheless.

I did not able to sleep again the following night. This time I was alarmed. What could be wrong why I couldn’t sleep? I went to school again the following day but this time I can hardly managed the exhaustion.

I was not able to sleep again on the third night. I started to feel my heart pounding so hard to the point that it made it more difficult even to just calm myself down. I tried not to lose myself. I’m going to a see a doctor tomorrow, I said to myself. But I didn’t. I am so worn out after that day. Maybe I can finally sleep tonight. But still I had no luck. I started to feel incapable of sleeping. I was getting crazy. “God, I have not slept a single minute for four consecutive nights. I would trade everything to get my eyes shut for even just a few minutes,” I complained to God.

The morning came and I never felt so awful in my life. Later that day, Dad accompanied me to a doctor. I explained how I feel and how I struggled to get sleep. What the doctor did was just gave me a prescription. It was a sleeping pill. To be honest, I was cynical if it could help me get sleep. I believed deep down I needed more than just a pill. I took the pill and tried to sleep. It didn’t work! That time I knew I was screwed.

The torture continued for many, many days. My life was never the same again. As about my studies, I still continued to attend classes despite my deteriorating condition. I just took every class-break I got for rest. And what I mean by rest is that I just lay down and close my eyes and tried to get as much energy as I could get without sleeping to keep me going.

I was able to endure over a month of sleep deprivation. And then there came one night, I was talking to myself, “This is my fate. This is what Allah has ordained for me. I have to be strong and accept it.” I recalled stories of sacrifices of Prophets to keep my spirit alive. While expecting a long night, just like the other previous nights, I closed my eyes. The next time I opened them, I saw the morning light through the small window of my room! I finally get the much needed sleep! I’ve never been so grateful in my life! All praise is due to Allah!

Sleep came back to me but the fear of not being able to sleep didn’t leave me. Every time night falls, the chance of getting a good night sleep is like tossing a coin. And so it did not really last long before insomnia came back again. I was just like given a few nights to breathe and then get back to wrestling again. It has continued to be the case since night of June 13th of 2008.

And just when I thought insomnia could be my only health problem, there came anxiety. It was like that monster who wanted to hurt my almost lifeless body, mercilessly. I did not know what kind of anxiety disorder it really was. I didn’t consult a specialist. I didn’t want to. I just knew I have it. I couldn’t maintain an eye contact when talking to people. Imagine how devastatingly awkward was that and its negative impact on my social life. I lost a lot of friends. My ordeal served like a filter machine that made me identify who my real true friends are.

Sometimes I sweat excessively even in cold weather. I could remember one time in class my seatmate touched my arms and she felt I was soaking in sweat in a fully air-conditioned room. Goodness!

Many years of my life since anxiety touched me were nightmares. It took a great toll in every aspect of my life – relationships, jobs, studies, etc.! Anxiety also made me become critical of myself – my actions and decisions – which I was not used to be before. And when a person sounded so harsh in criticizing himself in front of his friends or family, imagine how brutal he is to himself in the privacy of his head. Although there were many days I had thoughts of harming myself, I never attempted to. But my devastating health condition made me begged God many times to either cure me or just take me.

My family started to notice although I never told them about it. Sadly, the core of stigma covers our home. I tried to learn more about anxiety and discovered that one in every four persons has anxiety. I also sought inspiration from people who advocate mental illness. Indeed, it is true that when you see others fighting the same battle and more if they fight to voice out what the society has always neglected to address, you feel a little better.

Fast forward to year 2019. Its been already 11 years of seemingly endless struggle. Then, in the dark came a friend who has her own story of struggle with anxiety. She became my classmate in law school in my third year. She said she was experiencing panic attacks. Honestly I felt glad there was someone in law school who can somehow relate with the situation I am in. From then, we talked frequently about mental illness until one day I opened up to her about planning to see a specialist. I never thought about seeing a Psychiatrist before. It was not in my options. My parents would not approve either. They’ll kill me for worrying so much about what people would say if they find out I am seeing a Psychiatrist. But I was already in my senior year in law school. I had to seek professional help to survive law school.

Then one day, that friend of mine discovered a Psychiatric clinic located near the school. I expressed my desire to make an appointment with the doctor and she enthusiastically offered to do it for me because she said she personally knew the doctor’s secretary. I accepted. I didn’t ask but I speculated she was also planning to get checked but it turned out later that she engaged the services of another Psychiatrist. Maybe she just wanted to know if the Psychiatrist she referred to me is preferable to her. Kinda weird but I didn’t really mind given the fact that people like us who have anxieties really do things weird.

But before I got to have a meeting with the Psychiatrist, I had to go through my parents first and convince them to let me get professional help. My father was strongly against it. He said people would mock our family because one of its members is mentally ill. Nonetheless, I insistently convinced them to be more open to talking about mental illness and overcome the stigma until they finally permitted me to consult a Psychiatrist. What happened with my meeting with the Psychiatrist was different than what I expected though. I thought that before the doctor issues the prescription, I get to share first the entire story of my struggle - how it started, how it has been affecting my life, how I have been trying to cope up, etc., – sort of a counseling. He did ask me how I felt but the questioning I thought was too fixed and limited. It seemed he did not want a long conversation. I could somehow understand because he still had a long line of clients to treat after me. He diagnosed me with General Anxiety Disorder coupled with panic attacks. Then he gave me four medical prescriptions. I have to take four medicines a day! That was the first time I have to take that many medicines a day and probably the most ever in my life.

The following night after my meeting with the doctor, I took the bedtime pill. I was glad with the result. I had like 3 to 4 hours of sleep. That was much better than not getting sleep at all. I didn’t feel perfectly rested but that was a great improvement!

I continued to follow the doctor’s advices religiously and I have been feeling better and better as time goes by. Although I have not really been satisfied with the consultation processes with my Psychiatrist because I think he has not been therapeutic in terms of our doctor-patient relationship, his professional advices have actually been effective so far. One problem I have with one of the prescriptions though, particularly the bedtime pill, is that it has made me extremely dependent on it. I fear that my drug dependency will become permanent but my doctor said he’ll eventually slowly reduce the prescription if I get in the right health condition.

Moving on with my health condition, I am now very happy, Alhamdulillah! I am slowly getting back my self-esteem and confidence. I can now look straight in the eyes making me enjoy communicating to people. The heavy-head feeling is gone. I still struggle falling asleep but at least I still able to get good enough sleep which provide me just the right amount of energy to accomplish my daily tasks. I think it is safe to say that the best decision I’ve made with regards to my health was getting professional help. It cannot be more true to me that sometimes what we are ashamed of to do (address mental illness) is what will actually make us better. By the way, I have been watching motivational videos which I’ve found greatly beneficial.

In Shaa Allah, I will continue to get better and get back the life I have been yearning for years. I have suffered so much damage and destruction in many parts of my life over the past decade. God-willing, I will have the time and health to fix them.

There are many lessons I’ve learned from my years of battle with insomnia and anxiety. I would have never learned the importance of addressing mental illness as a societal issue if I never went through it. The most important though is to keep up the faith in God and to never give up. When you feel pain; when you are tired; when you feel like giving up; when you feel like quitting; when you look around you and nowhere do you see anything remotely looks like success; when it’s all dark; just keep up the faith and believe that God has put you in that darkness for a reason and that after that darkness, you will come out stronger than ever befor

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scato006-blog · 4 years

Text

Searching for a title and feedback.

New to this, would appreciate any feedback.

My mother’s hand squeezes around my infantile one, small, petite, and plump even for a 12-year-old. I feel the cold, hard shaft of the metal handle, the gun weighty in my hand. My mother’s breath, laced with Bacardi rum and stale Marlboro lights, coaches me to squeeze harder, my tiny fingertips biting under the pressure and turning light purple at the tips from being held so forcefully.

“You have to hold it like you mean it, steady.” She coaches.

“I don’t want to,” I whine, almost silently.

The wind kept biting my plump cheeks, and I felt my legs, bare in the November air, tingling and pocking with cold bumps.

This has become a routine, my mother getting intoxicated or high, and taking a sudden interest in her children and choosing the worst time to suddenly teach us some life skills. My brother, with his autism, is too heady a project to undertake. So, it is me, who at 11 pm is hauled from my kitten covered sheets and dragged outside for an impromptu lesson on protecting myself, undoubtably due to some loosely based on a true story Lifetime network film where a girl, most likely Tori Spelling, is victimized.

Thankfully, she loses interest surprisingly fast this time, and when she loosens her grip on my hand, I am able to wrestle past her, knocking her to one knee as she curses and I bolt back into my bed and lock the door. She staggers in and pounds for several moments, calling me names, before I hear her door shut and know she has passed out.

My mother hasn’t been quite right since my father died. I see her leaving often to doctors’ offices, complaining of ailments ranging from pains to depression and anxiety disorders. Her pills litter the tops of our 80’s style maroon kitchen counters; every consistency you can imagine from syringes to tiny multicolored capsules. In the mornings, we see her guzzling down the liquid medications, never using the tiny, clear ridged top that is supposed to serve as a barbie sized measuring cup. Instead, she uses that as a pseudo lid when she gets too inebriated to remember where she put the child proof cap the pharmacist carefully clicks into place. Her arms are littered with pock marks from needles. Some self-inflicted and some from all the blood draws ordered by her physicians. She has become obsessed with this idea of teaching us how to protect ourselves since my father passed. Which later I will realize is terribly contradictory, since the basis of most our inflictions come from her blatant negligence.

It isn’t until I start having sleepovers with girls outside my neighborhood that I will realize this isn’t a normal occurrence. I spend time with girls whose parents bake them cinnamon buns in the morning slathered with extra crystalline icing, whose mothers collect little figurines cased in glass cabinets without fingertips smeared on them and father figures who go off to work, kissing cheeks instead of backhanding them like the other dads in my neighborhood would do. It’s a foreign world to me, and oddly, it makes me surprisingly uncomfortable to be in such a serene environment. Almost mundane as wild as that may seem to some. Beige. I always notice this common color scheme in these safety net homes, everything was always varying shades of beige from the carpets to the placemats to the sheets. Beige everywhere.

In the morning, it’s as if nothing has happened, as she bustles around the kitchen getting my brother’s routine down to match the Velcro pictured descriptions that are supposed to help with his over stimulation. I can tell there is something tangible and tense in the air, the blatant ostracizing of me from our tiny family unit. I will learn later that it is due to embarrassment over her own actions, but in the moment from my young perspective, I have somehow failed her.

I gather my things, my teal Jansport backpack smeared with pen marks and patches, and dig in the back cabinet, shoving expired bags of chips and soup out of the way to find a long lost granola bar and walk out the door, pausing before turning the silver knob to look back slightly out of my peripheral at my mother to see if she pauses at the sound of me leaving. She doesn’t.

The bus stop holds a sense of comfort for me, knowing that I will be headed to the one safe institution I have in my young life, school. There are rules, teachers, consistency, and scheduled mealtimes. I know what is coming and when. I know what is expected of me and it isn’t laced with alcohol and substances, or parties in my home with strange men who grab in places they shouldn’t and burn your arms with their cigarettes when you try to yell in protest for someone who is too inebriated to come to your rescue.

Teacher’s take special interest in me, I must exude some sense of chaos at home, my behavior is mildly disruptive with chattering to my fellow neighboring classmates, often causing my desk to be moved adjacent to the teachers to curve my “social butterfly” antics.

Years later, I will run into my favorite English teacher, Ms. Mueller, and she will subtly hint at the signs of abuse she saw from my rumpled clothes to my bruised arms and vacant expression from exhaustion. She will tell me of a time she went to my mother’s store, at the height of our home tsunami during my high school years, and the words heatedly exchanged between them. From that point on, in school, before I have this knowledge, I will choose to spend an hour every day after school with her and be exposed to various forms of literature. She will bring books with her and give me deadlines throughout the year, hoping to keep me driven and expand this world I escape to through books.

Oddly enough, my thirst for books came from the very person I was trying to escape.

In fifth grade I had a teacher I absolutely loathed. It was truly, the first person I had a deep hatred and resentment for. I remember the feelings of rage and a craving for the demolition of our high-ceilinged classroom. Ms. Symzick was a small, petite woman who would prance around her classroom in various shades of loud pinks and magenta, shouting in her irritatingly shrill, chalkboard scraping screeching voice. She had a serious inclination to class favorites, and those favorites tended to be the children of affluent parents she co-vacationed with in the Bahamas and Jamaica, frequently referencing scuba diving explorations and inside jokes she had created with the kids poolside while they showed off their attempts at underwater hand stands. She accused my indifferent attitude towards her and my inability to pay attention to her reading “out loud” to the class on comprehension issues. My mother responded, in typical Tammy fashion, and greeted me that afternoon with a stack of VC Andrews books. Her philosophy was that I needed something to read that could hold my attention in a mildly traumatizing way. Make the book risqué enough for me to care, and it would cure my non attentive approach to active listening. It certainly worked.

While my classmates were reading books about bridges crossing into Terabithia to conquer exciting pretend lands, I was obsessed with mentally trying to connect the incest family trees of wealthy families stuck in attics, toiling away pasting together paper flowers to create gardens. I craved reading about these fucked up families, and was elated to find that not only where the books thick with small font which meant they lasted longer than my classmates small flirtations with literature, but they also were in series so I could follow these families for generations. I would blow through a book a day if it was the weekend, absorbing finally, every comma and black small printed letter flowing into my mind through an osmosis of obsessive reading.

I sit next to Holly and hold her hand under our jackets in solidarity. Holly has the same house as I do, which is baffling and comforting for my young mind. Her brothers shout and throw things in their drunken rages, blaming their parents for their adult failures and losses of custody over children. Her father sits on the couch, sleeps on the couch, drinks on the couch, argues from the couch, he exists on the couch, never intervening. When he would winded from yelling, he would clutch a small, metal vile necklace he always wore. I would learn later it contained a single pill that would melt under his tongue because he was prone to panic attacks from his time in the military.

Holly will sneak into my room, late in the night, when things get bad and she climbs into my bed, cold hands and feet pressed against my calves for warmth. She rustles under my sheets and presses her perfect little bud lips against my cheek and snuggles into my neck and falls asleep fast, just as our thermostat registers the drop in temperature from the window being pried open for her to come in and the furnace clicks on, as always, I fling my leg out from under the blankets, so as to not wake Holly and soak in some cool air as her body heat radiates against my own. I love her and want to protect her, as she is the only one who has ever expressed a kindred likeliness to what I experience behind closed doors. She protects me as well, when my mother opens the door slightly to see if I am awake or when she is under the influence ready for another “life lesson,” she will always close the door and slither away when she sees Holly’s body next to mine.

Holly knew about these moments, in the dead of night when my mother would make her way into the room. She was the one who saw the handprint makes in shades of black and blue, purple then fading to yellows and lime greens. She would take my arm, and lay her hot, brown palm slowly and softly on top of the blue and purple marks so gently, brushing the tops of the soft baby arm hair then would turn over, as if nothing had happened. It was the act of acknowledging, that would transition into acts of protection. She knew if she was there, those marks wouldn’t appear. Holly became an ever-present staple in my life, it was truly as if she was holding me together, fastening my frayed edges to keep them from being burned by my mother and faceless men’s lighters.

This is my day to day, and night to night. The seeking of comfort in concrete things and people outside my home and struggling to find a purpose outside of myself.

Years pass, the same abuses remain constant, even after the school nurse contacts my mother over concerns she has when she sees my bandaged fingers from a screaming hot iron. The difference is the older I get, the more I learn to fight back, slick mouthed and learning to block hands quickly with forearms. I develop the internal switch, for numbing and hardening emotions to dispel any sense of misery or hopelessness, I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable around her and show any form of pain or exaggerated anger. I treat her with complete indifference, which in her drunken, high moments causes absolute meltdowns. Her emotional levels skyrocketing due to inebriation, and my disconnect growing more profound with each outburst. I start to want more, more than these walls and house. I want to sleep peacefully, quietly, and safely. A concept I had never visualized for myself that I thought was coveted for children with two parents and yards without brown spots and littered with dog feces.

I sit, at 15, in my English class, the scared space I have carved out for myself. Ms. Mueller, walks past, having just kicked Gary out of class for shouting at her.

“Dyke gave me a F,” he rages after we are returned our midterm grades.

“Out!” Ms. Mueller declares, stunning me at how she so gracefully and passively dismisses him and his hate slurred words.

As she passes back to her desk, I feel a blue piece of paper get slid under the flesh of my forearm. I slide it under my notebook, I can tell through its delivery, she doesn’t want me to attract any attention through receiving it. She looks pointedly at me, and when the bell rings I rush out to see what it is she has slipped me.

She knows I am not happy with her today. Ms. Mueller detests Holly. There is this just under the surface acknowledgement that they don’t address one another, ever. Holly feels Ms. Mueller is trying to come between us and take time I should be spending time with her and instead am choosing to spend it reading, which is the most boring thing in Holly’s mind. Oddly enough, Holly has detention or make up tests almost every day after school, so her time wouldn’t be spent with me regardless. Holly is known to have her behavioral issues, shouting at teachers and authority figures much in the same fashion as her older brothers do to her and her parents. It is a cycle that has already began its inheritable rotation.

“She’s not good for you, you have too much inside you for that one.” Ms. Mueller had told me suddenly, interrupting me reading silently beside her while she worked on the summer reading list for the class, and my own which had easily an extra fifteen books added to it. At the time, I didn’t really understand what it was she meant.

“Too much inside me? What the hell?” I thought. I glared defiantly at the top of her head, wishing I had the nerve to reach out and rustle her short, cropped hair out of its artfully tousled with hair paste landscape just out of spite. She didn’t look up, nor acknowledge my anger filled face, and after some time I set my mouth in a taught line and kept reading. Leaving that day without saying a word when our hour was up.

I open it up and see it’s a flyer, for some summer program called Upward Bound and kids interested in colleges. I had never imagined myself being on some pristine collegiate campus. That was also reserved for the cinnamon bun kids whose parents showed up to every sporting event, cheering them on from the sidelines and pumping their fists in the air, visualizing college scouts coming with hefty scholarships and grants. Not for me, who begged for rides to and from practices, relying on my grandparents for transportation sparsely, so they wouldn’t see the state of our house. My mother would always get angry when her parents came to drop us off, always insisting on coming in to survey the

damage in the house from holes in walls to dirty dishes crawling with critters and cats licking dirty pans for burned egg pieces.

I folded the flyer in half and hastily shoved in under my stack of books on the bottom self in the locker I share with Holly. I am always the bottom shelf, to take my lacking height into consideration. She can’t see it; she will lose her mind. I know this, our codependency has blossomed into a full relationship of unhealthy proportions, two emotionally crippled humans attempting at something far too adult.

I wait, as always, for her to come meet me briefly, and she does. Angry brown eyes, jet black hair, browned skin from her native American heritage, and slanted eyebrows. I forgot she was angry with me from this morning when I pulled my hand away from hers when Kim snatched the jacket up that hid our weaved fingertips.

“Mr. Mason is such an asshole,” she huffs slamming her books in the locker, standing on her tip toes to launch them to the back where we hear them ding as they hit the metal back.

“What happened?” I ask, gauging her temperance to see where we are at. Holly drives the emotional state of our relationship; she being the more volatile of the two of us.

“He gave me detention for missing all that homework,” she huffed as she slammed the locker shut. “I just want school to be done already, I hate it.”

I watched her stalk off, wordless, now definitely wasn’t the time to broach the subject of an academic summer camp that focuses on colleges. Holly was not interested in anything remotely studious, let alone something that would separate us for an entire summer.

I watch her turn the corner of the light seafoam green colored hallways, waiting until I can be sure she is completely out of sight before slamming my elbow into the door right above the turn lock, causing it to pop open, a little trick Tommy showed me last year when he had this locker. I hop up on the toes of my sneakers and grab the flyer out from my Roman History classes textbook.

It is in that moment; I realize I don’t want to stay closeted with Holly and hide holding hands. I don’t want to stay in a home I feel constantly threatened in, showing all the scars on my skin and inside of my flesh. I don’t want to be stuck slinging burgers at the diner down the street, or as a cashier at the grocers. I don’t want to struggle against the New England seasonal depression of grey skies to salt crusted and frost heaved roads. I don’t want to be tied to this place where I feel like a hamster on a spinning wheel, never moving forward and back, just in one constant place.

The flyer announces the meeting is today, in Ms. Mueller’s classroom of course, but an hour after we usually meet. I know Holly has detention, so if there was ever a time I could go and take a glance at what this whole thing is about, it is today when she will be occupied for a definite set amount of time.

I watch the clock anxiously for the last two periods, bouncing my leg in anticipation, choosing to focus more on the seconds hand than the other two since it moves at such a faster pace. Holly isn’t in my last two classes; they are AP and she is sequestered into the more remedial ones where they mostly watch movies instead of getting lectures from young teachers who still feel they can make a difference and impact our lives.

Ms. Mueller is at the door, leaning against it with her arms crossed, her cuffs folded up at the elbow, creased slacks and pointed shiny ebony dress shoes, almost as if she was waiting for me. Now that I look back, I think she was.

“Well here she is, take a seat.” She gestures to the open door.

I look in and see every seat is filled mostly with kids from other schools and a couple familiar faces of girls I have barely exchanged two words with. I slide into a seat near the door, resolving that if I need to make a quick getaway, I will at least have an easy shot to the door. Ms. Mueller positions her chair in the doorway; it’s like she can sense what I am thinking and gives me another one of her pointed stares.

A young man with a lot of vigor and energy and radiant brilliantly white smile bounds up to the front of the room. I will learn almost immediately that his name is Craig when he finally stops bounding around and announces who he is, that he went to Bates College, and dives into a lengthy description of what Upward Bound really is. There are other individuals up there as well, all standing in a line with various colleges strewn on their tee shirts and sweatshirts: Colby-Sawyer, Keene State, UNH, Plymouth State, are some of the names I spot.

The program is a six-week summer session that focuses on preparing students for college and even offers opportunities to take college level classes that can be accredited. Six weeks on a college campus, right in my hometown, sleeping in the dorms, going to classes, they even offer sporting events and excursions to local spots for day trips. It sounded too good to be true.

I looked around the room and saw most of the kids had that same look as I did, clinging to every word. “Give me an escape, please. Tell me I won’t fall through the cracks and be left right here where I started.” Their faces all seemed to say.

Craig took the basic Q&A after his dialogue of wonderous academia enchantment and promise, everyone asking the same things I was wondering. I wouldn’t raise my hand and attract attention to myself, no way.

I saw her then, Jodie, sitting with her hand up to ask more about the sporting opportunities offered, field hockey specifically. She sat with her blonde hairspray scrunched hair, long eyelashes and friendly, wide open blue eyes. I was amazed at how drawn I was to her instantly, like she was the bright glinting Christmas tree of hope in contrast to Holly’s darkness and shadowing pessimistic outlook on life and humanity. There was also this underlying feeling emanating from her. She was wearing adidas snap pants and her field hockey jacket, I knew without knowing, I knew she had the same attraction to females as I did. When Craig answered her question to her satisfaction, Jodie thanked him, and I saw her sign the sheet to enroll and receive more information. I watched that sheet for the rest of the presentation and when we were wrapping up, Ms. Mueller caught me at the door, the sign sheet in her fingertips.

“You forgot something,” she stated, a black pen in her other hand, held out to me.

I stepped aside, opening my mouth to let out a string of excuses, all based in fear and simultaneously worried that if I failed at this camp, I would disappoint her.

“Don’t.” She held up her palm that held the pen. “Sign the paper.”

I realized in that moment; this was my chance. I was on the edge of something, a choice. I knew what I would lose, and I quickly sobered to the reality that what I stood to lose, didn’t outweigh what I had to gain.

So I made the choice, to take a chance, put the pen to that blue paper, and signed my name, choosing to take that chance, choosing something so much bigger for myself than I could have ever imagined and taking the first step to end the cycle that would have ensnared me just as it did many others. It even would claim Holly in the end, leaving her to browning pine trees, closeted and affairs in secrecy, the shame and impending alcoholism, cursing from her couch just as her father did.

#feedback writer nonfiction

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downstvged · 5 years

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“ oh. uh... you had your eye on that last laffy taffy, too ? ” awkward. peyton reaches for the candy anyway. his fingertips close around the treat and nudge it closer to the person beside him. “ go for it. my favorite’s banana anyway. ”

or, alternatively : i have zero restraint & ‘tis i, linc, comin’ atchu w/ my third, peyton pellegrino !! resident senior class treasurer & lacrosse co-captain & theatre techie. he’s a wholesome boy but jeez... is new ham gonna break him. dun dun dunnnnNNNN . ; )

✔ ┊❝ noah centineo. he/him &. cismale ) eighteen year old peyton pellegrino was listening to “no place like home” by marianas trench when the field trip buses turned around. rumor has it he’s on a missing children’s list in delaware & his dad is actually his childhood kidnapper, but who knows if that’s true? what we do know is that their friends describe them as suave & bona fide, even if they’re known to be a little restless & yielding from time to time.

i’m... not gonna do my long intro format for him bc ain’t nobody got time fo dat! and i’m lazy sfhiefh. but here we go !!

( tw: mentions of kidnapping, false death, anxiety, familial deceit )

AMBER ALERT, MILTON PD, DELAWARE — MILTON TOWN POLICE HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED EIGHTEEN-MONTH-OLD JAMIE CLAVERTON WAS STOLEN FROM HIS MOTHER’S STROLLER IN BRUMBLEY PARK EARLIER TODAY. SUSPECT WAS NOT IDENTIFIED AT THE SCENE. ANYONE WITH INFORMATION IS ENCOURAGED TO CALL POLICE IMMEDIATELY.

spoiler alert : little jamie claverton never quite found his way home. with no witnesses to the kidnapping ( thanks to his mother’s ignorance... yikes ) , matthew pellegrino, age 30, was able to make an easy getaway with the child. in 2010, milton police closed jamie’s case. the clavertons, heavy-hearted, buried an empty casket for their lost boy, unaware that he was alive and well just two states away, living comfortably with his “ father ” in west ham, connecticut.

peyton pellegrino’s mother abandoned her family shortly after peyton’s first birthday –– she’d struggled with postpartum depression & decided she wasn’t made out to be a mother. despite matthew’s pleas, his wife disappeared into the night. and just like that, it was just father and son. us two against the world, peyton’s father would say. they moved around frequently, spending almost each passing birthday in a different place. new york city, boston, miami, chicago, philly. it wasn’t until peyton’s seventh birthday that they finally settled somewhere long-term: phoenix, arizona. and, by the time his tenth birthday rolled around, they hopped across the country once more.

to west ham, connecticut. a dramatic change of pace. matthew had landed the position of fire chief, his record of improving local fire departments finally recognized. so ten-year-old peyton careened into fifth grade, then middle school. he fit right in. and west ham? west ham ate up the pellegrino family story. nobody suspects a thing.

in a hidden compartment locked under matthew’s desk lies the only record of peyton’s past. duplicated fingerprints. forged social security documents. fake passports, just in case. the key’s hidden somewhere in the house. but it’s the two of them, father and son, them two against the world.

and up until now? peyton hasn’t had the means to discover the truth.

peyton pellegrino, aspiring broadway set/lighting engineer:

inspired by “no place like home” by marianas trench.

peyton moved to west ham when he was 10, so i would love some long-term connections for him. his dad’s the fire chief, so he’s definitely... involvedˆin the smell stuff. more on that in the future.

he’s heavily involved in lacrosse, mock trial, theater, & student gov. he’s the senior class treasurer because freshman year, his pals on the lacrosse team joked he had the only face people wouldn’t be mad to hand class dues to. he’s been voted into position ever since.

will be attending eastern connecticut state university for a degree in theatre & theatre design !! he’s SUCH a techie and very unashamed about it, but he will get bashful if he gushes on too long about the importance of a crisp curtain or how much of a difference fading spots can make. he acts as well ( see his excellent performances in mock trial competitions ) but he’s got such a love for framing the stage, making his performers look good. making the visual effects an extension of the story.

works as a pizza delivery boi for one of the local faves — and you best bet this kid makes amazing tips. in the summers, he techs at a bunch of theatre camps and throws in a gig scooping ice cream just for some extra dough. it’s not that his dad doesn’t make good money as fire chief, but they struck a deal that peyton would foot at least half of the bill for college. so he’s trying to getting a jump on that.

one of those rare breeds that is hella involved and seems really relaxed about it? but... he does have anxiety & struggles with panic attacks from time to time. they were really bad when he was around 8 to 11, but they’ve calmed since being here. it’s one of the reasons why matthew looked for a position in such a small, calm town.

sike !!!!! west ham ain’t calm no more !!!!

speaking of his dad. they’re fuckin’ best friends, alright? saturday nights are reserved for the pellegrino boys. foosball. ping pong. b-rate game shows.

he’s the kind of dude to go out of his way to help you and say it was no sweat. even if it was all the sweat.

if he loves you, watch him lay out his jacket so you don’t have to step in mud.

has a bad habit of nipping at the edge of pens. it’s one of the anxious ticks he hasn’t quite been able to shake. sometimes his right leg bounces, if he’s forced to sit still in one place for too long.

will likely join the committee on going home, if something like that arises. leadership courses through his veins, but peyton’s not really one to pursue it very much. he’s more content to chip in and help everyone else than sit at the top. but if someone close to him ( cough cough, @cvssndra, cough ) decides to take the reins, he’ll be right there to support.

he eats his pizza rolled around the crust, like an italian taquito.

notable fashion choices include : leather bracelets, cuffed jeans, lots of solid colored and colorblocked tees. when he dresses up for mock trial, the girls kinda swoon. boy looks dashing in a suit. has a glasses prescription but always wears contacts. his dad says he looks sharper that way ( but it’s actually because, with glasses, he looks too similar to the claverton family. ) beat up chuck taylors, kind of untied on purpose. he’s got that whole loosely kept together, sleep deprived look down pat.

in middle school, he did a social studies project on milk carton kids. his project partner said there was this sketch from delaware that kinda looked like him. they both just laughed it off. young peyton came home and told his dad all about it over dinner. his dad laughed. the next day, peyton tried to find the same webpage, and was met with a notice that it had been permanently disbanded.

catch him longboarding around town like an absolute boss.

his favorite gum flavor is juicyfruit. it reminds him of go kart racing with his dad in arizona.

has functional knowledge of asl. he began learning at his school in chicago, and pursued it a bit further in arizona when he learned their next-door neighbor, patricia, was deaf. young peyton would walk the nice lady’s mail up to her door and learn a few signs from her each day, then practice them at dinner with his dad.

i imagine his dad’s reputation makes him fairly well-known around town. it’s likely peyton knows the owners of most businesses around here, so he’s the dude you stick near if ya want free shit.

he knows his dad’s disappointed he’s not pursuing a career in law enforcement or medicine. but peyton barely survived one day of junior firefighter training.

he actually just went back on anti-anxiety meds recently. so that’s gonna be interesting, when that supply starts going bye-bye.

people always assume he’s from cali, because of his overall vibe. his dad says he was actually born in ohio. peyton did a whitepages search in ohio for kenna pellegrino. the search came up empty.

his pals have a running inside joke where they hand him bottles of san pellegrino mineral water. it’s hilarious. and he hates it.

aight cuttin’ it short so i can hop onto this dash!! as always hmu for plots, bants, and good times !! xx

#newhamhq: intro #🍂 –– shallow graves for shallow hearts ! isms.#🍂 –– there's no place like home ! psyche.#eogheor this is a mess but #kidnapping tw #false death tw #anxiety tw

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jaxyu-a · 5 years

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→ headcanon: jae-ha’s ptsd.

CHILDHOOD // TEENAGE YEARS

flashbacks — an almost constant thing // mostly it was garou’s voice echoing in his mind but at night this turned to nightmares of him being chained again or used for his powers

risky behaviors — included stealing // drugs // general recklessness

dysphoria — just general feeling or state of unhappiness, often pervasive

ADULTHOOD

tendency towards protection — he’s very protective of others who he may or may not consider weaker and it’s because he doesn’t want people to experience what he has, basically

dysphoria — certain reminders of the tragic event can trigger a general drop in his mood that may last a while

thoughts jae-ha has had regarding his trauma:

maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough // maybe it was my fault // he was abused too, it wasn’t his fault // i shouldn’t still be angry // i let him die, i was killing him, i deserved it, i'm guilty // garou’s right, i’m a monster // if they realize i’m a monster, will they still accept me? // if i wasn’t a monster it wouldn’t have happened // it doesn’t matter if i get hurt, as long as no one else does, and i’m used to it // no one will accept me, i’m a monster // i shouldn’t bee feeling this way // i can’t let anyone know how i feel // i’m a monster, monster, monster // garou should’ve killed me

#( ❝ inside a beautiful monster // headcanons. )#drug mention ///#child abuse ment ///

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