#anyway. i needed this bc last semester i was not feeling my major. and i think this sem (taking less classes/having afternoons off) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alrightieaphroditie · 2 years

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take the edge off | e.m. series masterlist! | next part!

pairing *:･ﾟ eddie munson x female! reader wc *:･ﾟ 3.7 k warnings *:･ﾟ mentions of drugs (weed) and talk of events that happened in s3! an *:･ﾟ ahh i have officially written my first fanfic ever!! this is very exciting for me but also makes me kinda nervous, hehe. i hope this leads to me writing many more, though, bc this shit is lowkey therapeutic. anyways, this is kind of unedited, so if any major errors jump out at you while you're reading, please let me know so that i can fix it! this is like a soft!eddie type fic bc i was just in the mood for it last night! i appreciate any and all feedback!

synopsis *:･ﾟyou're exhausted, feeling burnt out, and your neighbor won't stop practicing guitar with his amp turned as loudly as possible. you need a pick-me up, and eddie munson has just the thing.

you were desperate. at least, that seemed to be the only logical explanation you could think of as to why you were walking across the graveled road towards eddie munson's trailer late at night in your pajamas.

of course, if anyone asked max why you went over in the first place, she'd tell them that you were just asking eddie to turn down his amp. munson was notorious for practicing his guitar late at night, and most nights you and max didn't mind the background noise. in fact, on the nights where max couldn't sleep, the nights where she would cling to you while you both sat on the couch. you comfort her as much as you can while wiping her tears and running your hand through her hair softly, and you appreciated the noise then. you created a game for those nights, telling max to close her eyes, to listen to the chords he struck loudly, and guess which song he had decided that he needed to learn that week. it seemed to calm her enough, and you always made her laugh when you suggested that eddie was finally learning a david bowie song.

as if.

but tonight was not one of those nights. tonight, you had worked two shifts at the family video in town (somehow keith hired you even though your top three movies were breakfast at tiffany's, the aristocats, and the dark crystal) and then went straight to the police station, where you were helping flo sort through files and answering phone calls. max was sitting at the table in the kitchen area when you got home, multiple books and notebooks flung about the small space. the table was where the two of you had spent the last few hours as you tried helping max study for her biology exam at the end of the week. you could tell she was seconds way from ripping her hair out of her head, and you, well you were barely hanging on yourself.

working two jobs in hawkins while living at a trailer park was not what you had envisioned for yourself when you moved out a year ago to attend college. you lasted two semesters, came back home to visit your family, and then your world turned upside down. literally. a few weeks after getting settled at your old house, max confided in you that she was worried about billy. she wouldn't exactly tell you why, but you promised you'd try talking to him. you never truly cared for your stepbrother, but max, for whatever reason, had a very small soft spot in her heart for him, and you wanted to take care of your sister. he was the same asshole he'd always been when you spoke to him the next day, slamming the door in your face as he walked away in his red swim shorts and white tank top. you thought nothing more of it.

it wasn't until you got home late one night from being with your friends when you saw billy carrying bag after bag of ice to his bedroom. he looked feverish, but despite your questions, he insisted that he was fine. later that night, max ran into your bedroom, shaking and panting. she'd had a nightmare, and this was when she finally gave in and confessed to you some of the events that had happened the previous year. you learned all about eleven, a girl who had some kind of power, and the truth about what went down at the hawkins lab. it was only a matter of time before you were recruited by max's friends, and you were one of the few who knew the truth of what happened at the starcourt mall. one of the few inside the mall when the mind flayer attacked.

max had been immediately affected by the events of the night, by billy's death. she had shut down, became a shell of the person she used to be. every now and then you'd catch a glimpse of the girl she used to be, but it disappeared just as quickly as you caught it. you, on the other hand, had responded to things a little differently. after billy's death, his father left your mother. not officially declaring a divorce, but there wasn't much hope for the marriage if one spouse was in california while the other was in indiana. your mom struggled to keep her job, turning to drinking to cope with the loss of a stepson and her husband, almost forgetting that she still had two daughters to care for. you knew you couldn't go back to college after this, and so you withdrew, moved back home, and have been helping keep things afloat as much as you could. you needed to be the person max could rely on during these times, and so you kept your emotions and struggles to yourself.

usually, that wasn't an issue. you had become one of reefer rick's most reliable customers, seeking him out to buy weed whenever you could spare some of your hard-earned money. that solution worked for about half a year, and then rick got busted by the cops. you had run out of your stash a few weeks ago and were starting to see the results of not being able to smoke. your thoughts wouldn't stop running a mile a minute, and every time you closed your eyes, you saw billy. you got cranky, becoming irritated more easily, and a perpetual migraine sat at the back of your head.

on this night in particular, you had already snapped at a guest when they tried convincing you to let them take home another movie even though they already had the max out, and you shouted at officer callahan when he accidently dumped your cup of coffee out in the sink because he thought you were done with it. all you wanted to do was lay in bed and cry, but when you saw max at the table, you knew that wasn't happening any time soon. and then eddie freaking munson started to play his damn guitar when it was almost the middle of the night.

a soft march breeze flittered throughout the night, and you wrapped your oversized brown flannel around your middle as you stepped through the grass to the few stairs leading up to eddie's door. it was then that you immediately regretted coming out, only for the fact that you were wearing a tank top and shorts under the flannel. you almost turned around and went back to max, but as you started down the stairs, eddie struck a chord that made your head throb, and that was that.

"munson!" you shouted, banging a fist on the trailer door a few times. you shifted your weight, holding your flannel closed with one hand as you waited a moment before starting to knock again. "eddie!"

the incessant noise abruptly stopped and, feeling satisfied with yourself, you started to march down the wooden stairs, thinking about making some hot chocolate for you and max. you had just reached the grass when you heard the door to the trailer fling open, causing you to spin around. in the doorway stood eddie munson, wearing a white t-shirt and pair of red plaid pajama pants, leaning forward a bit as he held open the screen door. his big brown eyes found yours immediately, and you watched as a cheshire cat grin spread across his face.

"well, well, well. if it isn't miss mayfield standing at the edge of my humble abode. to what do i owe the pleasure?" he asked, moving forward on the small landing. he leaned against the doorway, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared at you, the grin never leaving his face. despite the breeze, you felt your face heat with a blush.

eddie munson was no stranger to you. namely, he had quite the reputation of being a freak, what with his heavy metal band corroded coffin and his supposed satan-worshipping hellfire club. you knew the later was a nothing more than a stupid fear, though, as max's friends were all involved in the club. every time you worked with steve harrington at family video, you were subjected to listening to dustin henderson speak nothing but praises for eddie himself. and you trusted dustin, had no reason to believe otherwise. you had also gone to school with eddie, though you weren't really sure he remembered that fact. he was supposed to have graduated before you, and then with you, and now, after you. you'd even had a few classes together, but you knew he spent more time not being in class than he ever did in it, so you honestly didn't really expect him to know you. even these last few months that you've lived across from him, you've never interacted with one another. just some stolen glimpses when you're arriving home and he's leaving, or vice versa.

you must admit that you did foster a bit of a crush for him when you were in the same grade, and now, with him standing above you, gazing down at you with his brown eyes, you were starting to remember exactly why you felt that way. clearing your throat, you copied his pose, crossing your arms across your chest. "i was just coming over to ask you to turn down your amp a bit, please. max has had a rough day." you weren't completely lying to him. you really did need him to quiet down otherwise you were worried your head might genuinely explode from the migraine. however, you also knew from rick that eddie also dabbled in selling drugs, and again...you were desperate.

he studied you for a moment, the sounds of crickets chirping filling the silence, before pushing himself off the doorway. he gripped the railing of the landing between his hands, leaning forward slightly, and in the glow of the streetlights you could see the silver metal of the rings adorning his fingers. "ah, max is the one having a rough day, yeah? is that why you look like you're five seconds away from bursting into tears on my lawn?" he drawled out, cocking his head to the side as he questioned you. his accusation caused your eyes to widen, and you forced yourself to take a few deep breaths. you were not about to lose your cool in front of eddie munson.

"let's just say we've both had a rough day, then. i'm trying to help her study for her biology exam and she can't focus with all the noise coming from here." you state, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. eddie's eyes squinted down at you, and you could see his nose scrunch as he scoffs at you.

"it's not just noise, mayfield. it's music. i'm not surprised you don't know the difference, though, considering all you do is blast bowie and fleetwood mac." you can tell by his voice that he was irritated, and you almost have to stifle a laugh. he's shaking his head slightly, his wavy hair falling around his shoulders. he sees your grin, though, and he pauses. "is something funny?" he asks, moving one of his hands up to grab a piece of his hair and twirling it in front of his face.

"you can't diss stevie nicks, eddie. that's, like, sacrilegious," you tease, your grin growing a little wider as you speak. you've always known how passionate eddie was for his music, and that was honestly something you respected him for. he wasn't afraid to simply be himself, even if this town hated him for it. eddie munson wasn't a freak, he just had unique interests that made him stand out. and in hawkins, standing out was the last thing anyone wanted to do.

eddie continues to twirl his hair around his finger for a moment before throwing his hands out wide. "oh, haven't you heard? i'm a devil worshipper, y/n. being sacrilegious is the least of my worries," he declares, taking a few dramatic steps down the stairs. he stops when he's in front of you, and you realize how much taller he is as you tilt your head back slightly to maintain eye contact. your fingers fiddle nervously with the buttons on your flannel, but you don't back down.

"devil worshipper or not, it's very childlike of you to be judging others for their taste in music just because it doesn't match your own. i'm not hating on you for playing metallica at all hours of the night, just simply asking you to turn it down a notch." you reply, suddenly wondering how the conversation strayed this way. and how he knew what music you liked to listen to. this was a mistake, you thought, maybe i should just take a bath instead of smoke tonight. with that decided, you gave eddie a small wave before starting to back trek to your trailer.

"you could tell that i was playing metallica tonight?" eddie called out at you from behind suddenly. with a sigh, you turned back around, catching him looking at you with an eyebrow raised. you couldn't help but roll your eyes. "yes, munson, i could tell it was metallica. it's their newest song, right?" you asked, putting your hands on your hips as you stood in the middle of the gravel road. you could tell that your response shocked eddie, and it made you smile. "i don't just listen to bowie and fleetwood mac, hon."

those big brown eyes of his widened, and suddenly a smile lit up his face. "there are layers to you, mayfield. i like it," he whispered while pointing a finger at you. "you know, i've actually heard a lot about you, my lady. especially from my dear friend, rick." his grin grew even bigger with his last remark, and it was your turn to look at him with a raised eyebrow. you couldn't fathom why rick would talk about you to anyone, least of all eddie munson. it wasn't like rick knew everything there was to know about you, but sometimes he would let you try out a new strain of weed he had gotten, and you never could control what slipped from your mouth then. that's why you always preferred getting high in the comfort of your own bedroom.

"and are you planning on sharing what you've heard, or are you just trying to hang it over my head?" you asked, tilting your head to the side slightly. your hair fell down your face, and eddie's eyes trailed the movement, causing your face to flush as you pushed it back. he began pacing, occasionally glancing at you before leaning against the railing of the stairs, reaching behind him to hold on to the wood.

"i'm sure it's stuff you already know," he joked, winking at you as he laughed. when eddie laughs, his whole face lights up. his eyes get bright, his smile so wide that you can see the lines around his mouth curve. it's the type of reaction that makes you want to try to get him to laugh again, even if it's at your expense. you watch as he squats down, his plaid pants tightening around his thighs as he runs a finger through the grass in front of him.

"it's mostly just the basics, i guess. you dropped outta school, picked up two jobs, started being very motherly towards your dear sister. i can only imagine how stressed out you must be. makes a man wonder how you handle it all," he tilts his head up to look at you, a mischievous glint in his eyes. you immediately understand the direction he's going with his, and it's enough to make you roll your eyes.

"eddie, if you're talking to reefer rick about me, i'm pretty sure you can imagine what i'm doing to handle my stress." your gaze is as heated as your tone, and he definitely picks up on that. he holds his hands up, frowning slightly.

"woah there, mayfield. i'm not accusing you of anything. we all need a little something now and then to take the edge off. your secret is safe with me," he tosses you another wink, and you push down the wave of butterflies it sends to your stomach. you really should be going back inside, back to max. she's probably wondering what's taking you so long. and yet for some reason, you can't seem to feel the urge to actually want to leave. surprisingly, you like talking to eddie. there's something about him that's so disarming, and there's a part of you that wants to sit on the grass next to him and talk to him until the sun rises.

you watch as he stands back up, wiping his hands off against his pants. "in fact," he continues, giving you a glance before moving to jump up the steps. "i think you could use a little something right now. you feelin' on the edge tonight, mayfield?" he asks, almost softly, gazing down at you with his big eyes. his tone is teasing, but his eyes show how genuine he is in asking that. how much he actually does care. it's his eyes that essentially bring down your walls, and you find yourself wrapping your arms around your middle and nodding slightly in response.

"just a bit," you whisper, feeling tears burn in your eyes suddenly. too many emotions were swelling up inside you, and you felt close to breaking down, which was an unexpected turn of events for you. usually, you're able to push down these feelings until max was asleep. you'd go through the motions of getting ready for bed, but instead of heading to your bedroom, you would escape outside and sit on the stairs leading up to your front door. you would cry until you simply couldn't, and then you'd tuck your knees up under your chin and hug yourself until you felt strong enough to go back inside. you always figured the night was the safest time do let go, the time when no one else would notice you breaking down. but the look in eddie's eyes have you wondering if you've had an audience some nights.

his gaze is soft, and he has the smallest of smiles on his face, more sympathetic than anything else. he holds up a finger, muttering "one second," before dipping back into his trailer. you use this time to blow out a loud sigh, wiping your eyes with the sleeves of your flannel and trying to make yourself seem like less of a mess. you can hear a few things being knocked over or dropped in the trailer, and you walk to the bottom of the stairs, concerned. "eddie?"

he bursts out of the door quickly, nearly tripping on the doorstep. his hair flies behind him as he gathers his balance. he makes his way towards the step in front of you, grinning, and when he's near you, he holds out his hand. you see a small baggie nestled in his palm, and the urge to grab it hits you hard, but you restrain yourself. in all your desperation, you forgot a key factor needed to make this a done deal - money. just yesterday you spent what you had left of your two paychecks on helping with the electric bill and getting groceries for the three of you. what little savings you had in your account was saved back for max, in case she needed anything.

looking up, you give eddie a small smile but start to shake your head. "i really appreciate the gesture, but i... i can't really afford to buy this right now. thank you, though." at your response, eddie simply laughs and reaches down to grab your wrist. he brings your hand up and drops the baggie into your own palm dramatically, curling his fingers over yours so that you’re holding it in your fist now. you watch him with furrowed eyebrows the entire time, confused.

"no charge, mayfield. knowing that i helped you get back from the edge is enough for me, alright?" he says quietly, still holding your hand within his own. the two of you stand like that, frozen in time, for a moment before his gaze lifts over your shoulder. a grin encompasses his face, and he turns his eyes back on you. "i'd ask if you wanted to come in, but it looks like someone is waiting for you back there." he nods his head in the direction of your trailer, and you turn your head to look, catching a glimpse of max in the window before the curtain closes quickly. you can't help but laugh, and when you turn back to eddie, his eyes are locked on your hand in his.

when he realizes you're looking at him, he clears his throat and drops his hand away, shoving both of his into the pockets of his flannel pants. the action makes you blush, and in a sudden act of bravery, you tilt up on your tiptoes, leaning forward to press a small kiss against eddie's cheek. "thank you, munson." the smell of smoke and his aftershave fills your nose as you pull away, and you start to back away slowly from the landing. eddie's head turns, and he blinks slowly, almost sleepily, and gives you one of his grins. you don't even bother trying to suppress the butterflies again.

"don't be a stranger, mayfield." he calls out at you as you make your way back to your trailer. when you reach your door, you turn back around, noticing that eddie was waiting for you to make it back. giving him a small wave, you finally head back inside, hiding the little baggie within your sleeve so that max wouldn't see it. when your door is shut, you lean against it, a soft smile tugging at your lips.

if being desperate meant having more interactions with eddie munson, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to be after all.

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11queensupreme11 · 6 months

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hey! i've been following you through tsunami from the last six months and made my way here after the introduction of arsenic blues and i've learned to treat your words as gospel bc ur a literal genius!!!

anyways you've mentioned that (correct me if i'm wrong) you are going the psycharity route through a psychology major. funny enough i've been considering psychiatry for a while as i know that i want to be in the medical field and this route aligns best with my interests.

anyways i was wondering about the route you're taking and any insider tips and tricks (of sorts) that you have. i'm totally dreading med school and the MCAT and essentially the entire academic process. (i would totally consider being a therapist and going more that route but i do want to learn a lot of the emergency aid as a backup and for like practical purposes and also i need that salary in this economy...)

anyways, so what classes do you feel is the best in helping you (or the most interesting lol)? what about the major bc im worried that biochem or something else will give me a lot of unnecessary classes that only may or may not help me on the mcat? how do you manage your time and study in general?

anything helps! (this is going to be so embarrassing if i get some of the facts wrong lol)

i haven't taken the mcat yet or prepped for it, but this man i knew HEAVILY recommended using the kaplan mcat prep books because that helped him the most

this is the link but dont buy it until you're ready to start studying

as for classes, i can't really tell you which classes you take because it all depends in your school. i do suggest to check your college website to see if it has a page with a list of recommended classes needed for med school. if there's no page, then please PLEASE go talk to a guidance counselor/advisor so they could tell you what premed courses to take

i think it'd be easier to major in biology cuz a lot of classes required for the major also fall under the requirements for med school! i just really really really like psychology more, so i decided to major in that. you can do that too, but just be aware you'd be taking classes for your GE requirements, major requirements, AND premed requirements. you most likely won't be able to graduate within the timeframe you want.

when you're picking your classes for the semester tho.... pls don't stack together all your stem courses like i'm doing lol. i'm taking a bio with lecture and lab, an anthro class with lecture and lab, a calculus class, and some psych classes. unless you're absolutely certain that you can handle the stress, i suggest you take a few stem classes and a few non-stem classes to even it out.

(beware that if you do shit in the semester, you'll be put in academic probation 💀)

another thing you should note, there are two types of med school: an md (doctor of medicine) and DO (doctor of osteopathic medicine). do is the "easier" (it's actually not, just easier compared to md) path and not as competitive. psychiatry is both MD and DO friendly which is good, but the issue is that some residency programs are elitist and look down on DOs 🙄

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, FIND CLINICAL EXPERIENCE!!! i can't help you with that because i haven't done any yet 💀

actually i was wrong, this is the most important: GET SCHOLARSHIPS!!!! AND GRANTS!!!! MEDICAL SCHOOL IS PRICY!!!!

#👸🏻| asks

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probablysimpledreams · 3 months

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Omg hello Cam nation life has been wild but I wanna be on here more LOL I have two fics in the works rn (one Cora<3 and one Asahi <3 I have really been on my large and scary looking but actually loser sweetheart man kick lately <333) so hopefully spring break brings me creative energy or refreshes me so post-spring break me gets a creative streak

more to come regarding that

ANYWAYS

I started this post off half an edible last night and now am having a margarita at the airport since my flight got delayed💀 and since life has been crazy so the self ship brain rot has been INSANE lately esp bc me and one of my besties rewatched a bunch of HQ!! lately so I've been thinking about Asahi and am about to share all these ideas<3 I'm putting in undercut feel free to interact or share any of your self ships

We def met in class like some elective literature course. Our majors are so different with me being in anthropology and him in fashion school we both would pick some random historical literature class just to do something different and get out of our own departments. It would take at least half the semester for us to star talking though. I am notorious for a little classroom crush so I fell in love on sight, constantly talked about him to my friends, constantly had my friends asking if I had talked to him yet, stalked his Instagram to learn about him, etc. And though Asahi has a better grip on his anxiety when in college, he's still prone to anxious habits and after how people saw him in high school as "scary" he is not one to put himself out there. So he ends up having a lil classroom crush on me as the days go by and as I speak out more in class. I love a good chance to talk which I think he'd admire and it would make him fall for me. Half way through the semester I would finally make the move by asking him to be my partner on the newest assignment for the class. We'd both just be standing there like "holy fuck this hot person is talking to me" but not realize that the other is thinking it too LMAO. But you know as time went on and we got closer (being project partners meant the BEST reason to get his number see I be PLANNING) and I finally worked up the courage to ask him on a date and he said yes<33

Once finally in a relationship I feel like we'd have to opposite of a honeymoon phase. The first few months would be very awkward and we both overthink to the max so we'd be very scared of upsetting the other. After some time thought we'd finally have a nerve wracking yet honest conversation to actually establish boundaries, what we need, etc and like never have a relationship problem again. And that's when we both realize how much words of affirmations are both our love languages so we get comfortable being sappy<33 like we’re SO that couple saying cutesy shit 24/7 and leaving lil notes for each other on the mirror or in each other’s backpacks etc!! And we’re both not really PDA people so it balances perfectly😝

We have the same music taste for SURE like we both love some indie, mountain music I’m talking Briston Maroney, Noah Kahan, Backseat Lovers, etc we are both men with anxiety so this genre speaks to us🙏 However, Asahi does not understand the Lana hype but still supports me LOL sometimes I just have to cosplay a woman in a toxic relationship on the west coast (all things I’m just not💀) and he’s learned to let me have my fun after some reassurance that I just like the music and don’t actually think of him as bad (he’s too precious pls)

We are SO interested in each other’s line of work like I’m always excited over his sketches and pieces he’s making!!! And I’m always asking him a million questions about the process and all he does!! And on the same coin he’s always so fascinated with my research my main focus is on Pacific Archaeology so I always give him TedTalks™️ on everything he loves it!! I also intern at a museum so he’s always asking me questions about it. And a lot of what I’ve been lately at the museum is fashion history, so I love to tell him all about it!!

We compliment each other perfectly bc I’m very bubbly and outgoing!! So I’m very much a conversationalist and sometimes people think bc of that and my size that they can walk all over me. This is where Asahi’s natural intimation comes into play once mfs see him they KNOW not to fuck around. And on the other side, due to my extroverted nature I can easily jump into a conversation Asahi is actively trying to step away from without being rude. I feel like he gets quickly drained from strangers but I can talk to anyone for hours so I step him. This also is helpful bc I easily can make reservations and really any other scenario where he’s feeling too shy to directly say what he’s thinking/needs. I also am not afraid to fight for refunds and shit so he’s happy to let me take the wheel LOL

I just know we’d both get along with one another friends SO well😝 on that note Suga and I are so stoner buddies (you can’t tell me college suga didn’t smoke). Asahi would rarely smoke but when he does he just goes lol nonverbal and gets cuddly. Which honestly works good bc I just get happy and yap once again that perfect balance💗‼️

Most of our dates are just chill dates. We watch a LOT of TV together between anime and cooking shows and documentaries we just love a good lay in bed watching TV time. When we go out, it’s to museums and cafes!! We try and go to a cutey local coffee shop at least once a week just to get out. Sometimes it turns into homework dates or reading dates but mostly we just sit and talk and enjoy the fact there’s no rush. I currently have a coffee sticker book so he makes sure I always get a sticker when at new places🥺 I always switch up what I get but Asahi always gets a cappuccino and we usually split a lil pastry (usually I can talk him into buying multiple to try tho hehe)

I keep him updated on all the stupid TikTok drama bc I get disgustedly invested and that app can make me so mad so I go on RANTS about people being stupid it just always makes him laugh he thinks I’m just the most lovely thing all fired up even if it’s over something so unreal. I’m also OBSESSED with that Bistro Huddy tiktok series that is literally just one guy idk it’s SO good I make him watch it with me all the time LOL

Overall we are in love love🥰😝🥰

#self ship o’clock #god he’s perfect I’m going crazy #I wanna bite his arm #asahi azumane #self ship #self ship content #haikyuu #haikyuu self ship #self ship headcanons

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imc-t-rying · 24 days

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Aaaagggh I really want to get into the major I want :((((

I’ve literally been so stressed lately, it’s already been 6 months of just studying and I still feel so fearful of failing my exam 😭. I really don’t want to keep studying accounting, it’s soooo freaking borING, I need a real challenge, I really want, NEED to study maths, andbcb

I really regret having wasted my high grades with a major I didn’t even end up liking :( like, I could’ve chosen actuary from the start but I didn’t, and now I lost one semester and have to take an exam :((((

You always hear from people that failed the exam so that’s why im scared sh!tless, but on the other hand, classmates that took the exam (as their plan b) all say it was easy so who do I believe?😭. I’ve done many practise exams to see my progress, but it’s been 2 to 3 weeks that I’ve been stuck on a 100 pts and I need AT LEAST 105 :((((. I’m really trying to keep calm, since everyone says (and they’re right) that usually those practise exams are harder than the actual one, but I don’t want to be cocky or way too confident and end up failing.

Anyways I’ll keep studying, still have one week, my exams is on the 26th

On another topic, when I got into accounting I started playing (is that right?) softball and really got into it, I found it so much fun, but in the last few weeks I went I was really feeling under the weather and like I wasn’t good enough, I actually felt kind of relieved that I stopped going, even tho it’s smt I really enjoyed at first:(. So my plan always was that when I went back to college, now with the major I actually want, I would go back to softball, but I’m having some doubts if it’s really worth it to go back … every other girl makes it seem so easy and then im just there all clumsy and making a fool of myself ugh idk, bc I think it’d be good to have another thing to distract myself and not be thinking of stupid stuff or feeling like trash but idk unu

Also, all this time I’ve been focusing on just studying but I actually haven’t thought of what i’ll do in the two months (if I actually get in) after the exam 💀

Whatever, thanks for coming to my venting session idk

#vent post #vent #personal vent #cw vent #deppresing thoughts #deppressed #softball #college #exams #exam stress #sad thoughts #stress #i wanna kms #i should kms #self destructive tendencies #low self everything #low self confidence #low self image

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moonjxsung · 3 months

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hi baby angel🫶🏻

thank you for being literally the sweetest person ever!! i truly find so much comfort in your inbox! so i’m sorry if im annoying but i’ll never stop😅 thanks for bringing such a safe space for us💕 you’re the best! i have no words, just love!

i hope this isn’t overwhelming but imma vent a lil. bc i feel like im talking my ear off to my bf everyday so i might as well vent here to new people😂 so it’s been a tough couple of years in general. i’m kinda like super depressed and have been for like most of my life (i used to go to a psychologist but she dropped me but im waitlisted for one rn)! when i got surgery last year, i realized i don’t really love what i study. but i kept going to at least get my masters and everything was okay until this semester. im kinda failing a class (and i might be held back a year to repeat it) and i have intense impostor syndrome over it. and tbh idk if i’ll repeat it if i get held back. i’ve been thinking about taking a break after i take the tests to get my masters (which are this summer and i haven’t even had time, energy or motivation to study).

then there’s lolla! which im soooo excited for but it was such an impulsive decision. and i don’t really have much income from my assistantship job. so im not even sure i can get my hotel reservation and plane tickets until like May and that has me anxious af. this is one of my dream trips and im kinda scared for it. i don’t think i’ll cancel it or anything but i get so stressed about it amidst literally all the chaos in my life. so yeah this is trip would be my (and my bf’s) master’s graduation gift and my birthday trip as well. and i really want it to go as smoothly as possible. im kinda anxious for everything. which brings me to taking my meds again🥲 i kinda hate them bc they make me feel unproductive but i started again bc i was being unproductive anyways so at least im not as anxious anymore.

and on a lighter note, i really really want a tattoo but i can’t get another one until after lolla😭😭😭 and i had one planned for before summer but skz is first 🛐

anyways im equal parts excited and anxious for lolla! i can’t wait to see all those artists! and of course my other angel baby minho, the literal love of my life!

and this is the end of my venting session🥲 i hope i didn’t overwhelm you or anything! thank you for providing a safe space for us to express ourselves!

i love you sosososo much bb💕 have the best week and month and year! take care of yourself too!😘

-🐈‍⬛

My angel! 👼💞 First off, thank you for being so open with me about this, it’s so not easy to be this vulnerable with your emotions but this must have taken you so much courage and I’m so proud of you for talking about it and admitting that you’re not doing so great. That takes so so so much bravery!!!!!

I struggle with really bad impostor syndrome too and TRUST me when I say I’ve failed courses or had to repeat things in the past. School is by NO means an easy thing and especially not when you’re struggling with your mental health. You’re doing the best that you can given the circumstances and even if you can’t see a psychologist just yet (been there on the waitlist, it’s not easy!!) you’re bravely taking your medication again and doing something to combat your anxiety and that’s a MAJOR start. From acknowledging how you feel, to starting your meds again and even if you DO need to take a course, you can only move up from here. Feeling like you’re at rock bottom can be a good thing in hindsight because it forces you to look up at all the opportunities that still lie ahead for you- seeing results from meds, securing a psychologist down the line, even retrying a tough course or needing some extra time if you need it. None of this is a race, either, life is just a series of events and there’s absolutely no set time you HAVE to finish something. If you need to take some time to yourself or repeat a course or there’s ANY curveball thrown your way, the universe isn’t going to end because you needed a little more time. You’re only human, you go at your own pace and your story doesn’t have to mirror anybody else’s. It’s YOUR life and you’re doing pretty fucking amazing if I say so myself. Take some time to give yourself a little credit- think how many courses you’ve completed up until now, how many times you’ve reached out for help, even just how many rough days you’ve lived through. You’ve LIVED through all of that! Not just lived- you’ve THRIVED. You’re here, existing, still finding the joy in little things and doing it so gracefully and your shortcomings do not undermine any of your successes. Be proud of yourself and take a minute to acknowledge the things you’ve succeeded in along the way.

And about Lolla- May is still PLENTY of time to be able to book your hotel/flight to see the boys! That’s still like 2 months before the festival! Concerts can be really fucking stressful but don’t let this be a source of stress for you the way your job and the rest of life’s chaotic things are. This is meant to be a fun, relaxing birthday gift to yourself and in just thinking that way it’s bound to go well.

When I attended Global Citizen back in September, I hadn’t flown to New York in over 10 YEARS, and I was nervous out of my MIND. 3 days before the festival, they announced the skz car accident. I was a crying wreck. The flight there was delayed, the festival had rumors of being canceled due to hurricane weather, my sister and I didn’t get a WINK of sleep the night before and we were in TERRIBLE moods when we first got to the airport. My eyes were swollen from crying over half of skz not attending and my sister was stressing about how much money we spent considering it might be canceled anyway. Guess what we did? We planned our cutest outfits for the airport, we got some amazing airport breakfast, we sat down and we said let’s be in good moods for this whole trip. No exceptions. No more crying, no more sulking- let’s just stay positive. We planned out what to do in New York in case the festival was canceled, and every single hardship that happened after that we simply laughed about. We waited around 13 hours in line in the POURING rain to see 3racha, fought a girl in line and had to stand in wet mud to see them perform. And guess what?? We met the sweetest girls ever in line, laughed about everything, we bought ponchos together, we cheered for every artist, we got to watch 3racha and Jungkook, and I thoroughly believe everything went just fine because we chose not to stress about it even if it was the worst case scenario. I promise you even if there’s any stress involved, Lolla is going to be fantastic and you and your bf are going to have so much fun. And worst case scenario if you can’t go, tour is just around the corner! Skz aren’t going anywhere! Also second you on the tattoo bit- I’m itching for some new ink too but I think I’ll have to hold off for a bit 🥹 it’s okay! The time will pass anyways 🫶

Ending this longggg blurb with this tale of my New York trip- we left the 3racha show at around 11pm, and even though it was POURING rain, I said to my sister “let’s walk back to the hotel!” Mind you this walk was almost an hour long through the busy streets of New York, we were wearing skirts and had already been standing for nearly 15 hours at this point. But that’s exactly what we did- we walked home, stopped by a coffee shop on the way to the hotel that just happened to be open and had our first food (sorta) in HOURS. Passed by so many kind people on the way there, craned our necks up to look at the giant buildings and just dance in the rain. We took pictures of everything, beaming and on a complete high from having seen 3racha perform after such a rough day. It was absolutely magical. I vented to my sister about missing Felix, in particular, and then about an hour away from Central Park in a random dark alley, I looked down- and there’s a concrete drawing that just says “Felix”. Nothing else around, no sign of construction work or wet concrete. Just a random sign- to this day I take it as a good omen that you have to look for the good in every little thing. Walk home in the rain, laugh about the curveballs life may throw your way, give yourself some credit for at least trying. You might find a late night coffee shop and your bias wrecker in the concrete along the way… :)

All my love sweet angel. As always, I am always here for you. You’re doing just fine 💖💘💓💕💞🩷🫶

#🐈‍⬛ anon #ask

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smrtelnaaleziva · 5 months

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(long post; no tw, i am just sad)

i do not know if this is just me and i am complaining too much or if other chronically ill (or even disabled) people can relate to this but dae take it really badly when their health issues fuck them over, especially if it is at the worst possible time?

for background, i have severe migraines (i dont consider myself diasbled but i have them frequently enough for it to be an issue, in december alone i had 15 headache days) and i have severe mental illness. i am also uni student.

last week i had six finals that i studied like crazy for (except for latin cause i really did not have energy for that one). on thursday i was supposed to have three. the entire week my anxiety has been horrible and on thursday i woke up with awful migraine.

i went to the first final that i had at 8 AM. because i did really well on exams before, i only needed one point out of six. i took otc medicine bc i still thought that maybe it isnt that bad, i am afraid of taking my sumatriptan too much (mistake). before i even got to school, my migraine progressed so much i started having trouble with my vision (in general my vision is bad but glasses correct it - that doesnt happen during my bad migraines). my vision was spotty and really blurry in one of my eyes and i couldnt read.

i took the first final. i got 0.75 points. awesome.

i didnt even bother going to the second one (it was latin anyway, there was 50-50 chance i fail), instead i went back to dorms and i am glad i did because i started puking. i managed to take my sumatriptan, another otc analgesic and used anxiety medicine to knock myself out so i get at least some sleep before the last final that i had in the afternoon.

it helped, i mean i still had bad migraine but at least it was dulled now. i passed, surprisingly bc my eyesight was still pretty bad and that doesnt mix well with lab work so i am glad.

now, failing a final in my country isnt that bad of a thing? like they dont count towards our gpa, only major exams do. i have eleven subjects this semester and only four of them have major exams so that is fine. you need to pass the finals to be able to take the major exams but you get three attempts at every one of them. that means that yeah, they are hard, but one bad day like this doesnt fuck you over as much.

i am still extremely upset by the whole thing. i worked really hard to pass, arguably more than some other people, but i still failed due to circumstances outside of my control. i hate hate being chronically ill. it feels like i really need to work way harder than other people to be on their level due to my memory issues caused by my mental illness... and i can still fuck up just because my brain decides to fuck me over.

i know the world is unfair and all that stuff but i am still upset by this fact. if feels really unfair. i often daydream about being completely okay and how my life would be if i was. but i am not. that is the reality. there is no permanent cure for migraines, there is no way i will ever fully recover from my mental illness. so i am sad, obviously. and when i having hard time to accept this and cry about it, my mum tells me i need to stop pitying myself and instead focus on the future. i know she is well meaning and probably right but it still feels very invalidating.

idk, am i being too dramatic or is this normal reaction? either way, it still sucks. i am not sure why i am writing this, maybe to complain, but i guess i really need someone to tell me i am not crazy for thinking like this.

#chronic migraines #migraine #actually schizoaffective #actually psychotic #chronically ill #vent #i am writing this at 3 am so maybe i am too tired to think clearly #anyway thank you for coming to my complaining sesion #complaining

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gurugirl · 6 months

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i’ve been meaning to give a mini update but haven’t really got the time so i’m just gonna bulk it up here. yasss if you don’t mind

BASICALLY!

you got mini promo in my critical thinking lecture bc we were learning about Buddhist philosophy and my professor was like yeah these stories usually have a ✨guru ✨ and i was like OMG I KNOW HA! so yeah that whole week you were living rent free in my mind like woah!

and then i started talking to this person, not talking in like a omg this has the potential to be something more bc now that i think about it… i think i might be aromantic or something or it could just be that i have some like unresolved deep rooted subconscious trauma i need to work through to feel comfortable being vulnerable around someone… let alone a MAN ugh. anyways yeah the thing is when i told my roomies that this person may be idk have the intentions of being more than friends i got this feeling my roommate might have feelings for this person so i was like woah i need to back tf off. like to me if they did have feelings i would’ve used it as a way to get my virginity over and done with like GET HER OUT OF HERE! but now i’m setting up that boundary and i tell my roommate like girl you need to do something about this crush and she’s like no no you texted first and i was like GIRL I DONT LIKE THEM! but yeah i’ve hung out with them like twice and yeah im not feeling it at all, call me fucked up but they’re just too nice, it’s like they’re beating around the bush with me and prioritizing my feelings like hello? that’s not how i work, i’m so indecisive don’t put every decision we make on me yk? and they’re also very feminine which i feel really bad about saying bc they’re non-binary/ gender fluid but i tend to be attracted to more masculine/dominant energy (hence why i love your shit hello? 😋)

this is my finals week too and i just had my first final for chemistry and i just know that shit was bad like tell me why i guessed on 3/4 of that exam 😭 and then after i was done i turned on my phone to see messages from my study group saying they’re outside the building to celebrate… EXCUSE ME?! CELEBRATE WHAT EXACTLY?! i flopped. f for fail? more like f for FLOP! but yeah i have a bio exam tmrw and im not feeling it! like whyyyyyy! this is what i get for being a stem major like-

also! i read your new story and OH MY GOD! i love how harry like kinda knew she was reluctant bc of him so he like took the time to play with her a bit! AND I LOVE HOW YOURE BROADENING YOUR WRITING CATALOGUE! like ugh i love your creative growth, going from stories where y/n is submissive to somewhat dominant (stepmom) and then from having a third party being submissive (angel from profrry) to them being a potential dominant figure it’s so exciting! i love how you’re dipping your toes in different writing ponds UGH! i’m so excited to see what’s to come!

Ahh oh my gosh, babe! Love the update and I'm so flattered you were thinking of me during your critical thinking lecture 🤭😇

And I love that you're in stem! I'm so impressed 😍 Love that! Good luck this week to you! I finished my last final today (early) so I'm done until Spring semester starts 🎉

As for this person you've been talking to, yeah it really just sounds like you're not into them, which is fine. If you're not feeling it then that's okay. There has to be some attraction and connection and you just don't have it. They're probably better off just being your friend.

Thank you so much for saying all that about my writing! I really like trying new things so I'm happy you appreciate it 🥰

xoxo

#ask

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muppetmilf · 1 year

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i know i dropped off the face of the earth but past all the shit i outlined in my last post that has gone wrong, i also got very sick with covid over christmas and racked up some medical expenses (nothing serious i can cover those) and on christmas day i found out that my apartment had pipes burst in the ceiling. we are the top apartment and it caused MAJOR damage to not only our apartment but the two apartments below us, and my roommate left the heat off when he left (accidentally) so we’re entirely liable. i’ve got to go back to school soon and currently we’re still on the lease but it won’t be habitable until at least mid-feb, i have to find alternative housing until then and i’m in a mid-sized city so options are slim on short notice AND expensive where they do exist, if we stay on the lease we still have to pay full rent and if we terminate i’ll have to find somewhere else to live in a place where housing is ridiculously expensive (i really don’t want to terminate the lease but my roommates do atp, trying to talk them out of it but i don’t want to force anything either). we also have to pay for the housing accommodations of the people below us and whatever our insurance doesn’t cover from damages. we’ve also been informed that they might dispute and try not to pay, so on top of ALL of this other shit we’ve been contacting lawyers so we don’t get absolutely fucked over. i am so immensely stressed about my living situation, my finances, and now my physical health even more so than i usually am because the stress has caused a flare and i’m having new symptoms, i went to my rheumatologist today and he’s concerned and i have to get another mri (but realistically i’m just going to have to skip it because i don’t have the money) and he recommended physical therapy which i also cannot afford. my family is solidly middle class but this has completely gone over what we can afford.

this is a fucking novel but if you got to the end thanks for reading, and if anyone knows where i can ask for financial aid i would REALLY appreciate it because i am so lost (other than tumblr i don’t do social media and i haven’t been on here lately bc i’ve just been trying to stay afloat since like november). i doubt many ppl on tumblr could help bc i don’t think most of us have much money so anything from anywhere is appreciated, i’ll make accounts if i need to. i might make a formal post here anyways and see what comes of it, i am absolutely desperate, i had to get an airbnb for the first two weeks of the semester and it was almost 900 dollars (!!!) which i had to put on a credit card :( and my monthly rent is 700 and because we are considered liable we still have to pay that if we keep the apartment. i feel sick to my stomach constantly omg

#i can’t edit this for rambling very sorry for the way this is formatted #i truly and sincerely hope you guys have had better luck than me these past few months #personal

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rozcdust · 1 year

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Hello, I am bored and my irl bestie already knows this story cus we went to the same school and shared the same class for 3 yrs straight, so imma rant to my free therapist

so u remember my high school right (flashback to the horror nun story). Now lemme tell u how this high school is elite, like always top 10 in the entire city since its formation kinda elite yk, so its really academically demanding and they care a lot about their ranking, more than they do their students mental health.

now imagine 12th grade girls on their last year of hs being given mountains of tasks and exams. Like we had papers with a minimum of 12 pages and guiding teachers who would ghost and leave us on read whenever we ask for counselling, we had practical exams where the teachers werent prepared so everytime we asked for the written criteria they have nothing to give and we end up being given more criterias near the deadline and those criterias would sometimes force us to redo half of the project, we still had daily exams and homeworks and the teachers would still have the audacity to say they're lacking things to grade like wtf, and of course we cant forget the national exams that would determine how pretty our diploma would be, that we also skydived into with 0 preparations bcus there just wasnt any time (i mean this literally, like we only had a few days after the disastrous practical exams before the per-national exams and the national exams immediately after, not a single day of break).

so imagine how it must feel after doing that paper, practical exams, final semester exam, daily exams, daily homeworks, additional exams and hws, and finally the goddamn national exam, and the school still had the audacity to say 'if we rely on ur national exam scores, ur grades will plummet so we will give u final exams. onsite so u dont cheat' LIKE MF THIS IS UR FUCKING FAULT U MADE US DO USELESS EXAMS AND ASSIGNMENTS AND WE HAD NO TIME TO STUDY OR PREPARE

so after a riot where we forced our parents to get involved (lemme say its probably the first time in their 160 yrs of existing that the parents actually went down and complained the school were being too much bcus these ppl were the same that put their daughters into this school bcus 'it's good n will make you adapted to stress n heavy workload') the school decided to cut down from 14 final exams to 4 (we have different categories here, like obligatory subject which all hs major have, major-focused subject only for the major, and cross major subject). the final exams are the major focused subjects

and these teachers looked at their girls, their tired stressed and 'idgaf anymore im doing this exam preparation what they gonna do? fail me? hah! they wont fail me since last graders graduation rate is spread nationwide and they dont wanna tarnish their precious reputation' (actual mindset here)

anyways the girls were stressed. STRESSED.

and the school taught

"these kids need blood"

so we were given blood supplements the starting morning of our final exams

did we loudly brag to any passing teacher that we didnt study and dont care if we fail? tbf most of the teachers looked done with us too. its just the antique ones that insisted we need more workload and stress

HELLO MY LOVE i am so sorry it took me so long to get to answering this, exams killed me and i truly had no time :((

yes i remember the cursed FUCKING nun that one left some nightmare 🥲

okay i am familiar with those typa schools/teachers and tbh fUCK THOSE SO HARD WHAT THE HELL DID THEY LEGIT TORTURE YOU WHAT-

babe- what the- 🤠 EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FUCCK????

good on the parents for coming down bc that is like. actually not fucking okay wtf

sorry, BLOOD???

B L O O D????

hell yeah you should loudly complain. fucking assholes wtf

fuck school. legit. like. E W

#💮deiasks #a #moot: astropheia ♪#i am so sorry viv my love what the hell

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otrtbs · 2 years

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how did you learn so much about art history? did you learn it in school, or do you have any book recommendations for it or anything. love art heist baby btw !!

when I was 16, i needed volunteer hours for a school club I was in and decided to work at my local art museum! and I had always thought art was cool and nice to look at but I never really appreciated it, yk?

anyway one day, im volunteering at the museum, and I stop in front of this weeping willow tree painting that was painted by Claude Monet. And im staring at this painting and I feel SO SAD. literally so melancholy and I cant figure out why,, bc after all its just a painting of a tree,,, but I stared at it forEVER

it literally wouldn’t leave my head. so that night i went home and researched it and found out that that willow tree was one of the last paintings Monet did before he died. he was losing his eyesight, he had lost both sons to the war, and the war was advancing so close to where he lived he could hear the artillery fire from his house. the government officials urged him to evacuate but he chose to stay “wishing to suffer the same fate as his willow trees”. so it was an incredibly melancholy piece.

that was the first time i stood somewhere and felt what another person was feeling through brushstrokes and colour. monet had somehow managed to make me feel exactly what he was feeling YEARS ago when he painted that tree as a 16 year old girl. i was astounded.

and then I became obsessed hahaha i only planned on volunteering at the art museum for a semester but I did it for three years and then majored in art history in college (which is mainly where I learned everything). I also learned a lot by just going to museums! Take full days to wonder around the galleries and read the wall text and read it again and look up paintings and artists that you find interesting on google!! when you learn about something you love/find interesting it tends to stick wayyy easier in your head!!

as for books!

the story of art by E.H. Gombrich gives a very good chronology of famous works

Boom by Michael Shnayerson is great if you want to learn about contemporary art

7 Days in the Art World by Sarah Thornton breaks down the art world from auctions, to art fairs, to museums if thats most interesting to you!!

(Im so sorry this was so long winded and so much more than you bargained for I just get very excited about art hahaha) ALSO thank you for the kind words abt art heist <333

#asks #ramblings

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xiaojuun · 2 years

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hi eri!! i hope you’re having a good night (or day hehe) 🥰 for the ask game, i would like to know how you decided on being a nursing major! was it what you intended on doing all along, or did you enter uni with something different in mind? also WHAT TYPE OF NURSING IS YOUR JAM !! i will hopefully be working in the NICU bc it’s where i had my preceptorship during my last semester <3 if it’s not too much to ask!

ahhh mädch beloved first of all, going backwards first you are most DEFINITELY a very special person and nurse to choose the NICU. i don't know that i'd be strong enough for it and in my heart to my core know that if that's your calling, you are TRULY something incredible (not that i had a single doubt ♡). to return to your questions! this will get long so i'll put it under the cut.

i had no idea i wanted to be a nurse, it was actually theeee farthest thing from my radar growing up with no medical professionals in my family (save for my non-biological godmother who is my mom's best friend and a fabulous nurse). i have an entirely separate degree in music and thought i'd spend my life in concert production. a lot of things happened after i graduated the first time haha i was very unhappy in my job which inevitably ended up not working out and i needed to leave my home state desperately, and i tend to do things . in extremes so . i opted to do a service year and spend some time traveling, figuring out how to lead a team that i also lived with, and doing community service all at the same time. i quickly learned how closely tied community service and community health are and that spoke to me, but even still i didn't know i'd want to do nursing. after i came home from that experience i knew i wasn't done traveling and i ended up contracting for a few organizations that allowed me to keep doing that - i toured with a program run by a mental health nonprofit in the school year and led teen community service trips in the summer all over the US . i was always the most safety/health minded with my teens and met a lot of public health professors in that time, i was interested in public health but it didn't quite fit ... i knew i wanted to be on my feet, and i wanted to be working directly with the people who could tell me what they need in order to figure out ground-up change in healthcare. that's how i landed on nursing ! i took a few science classes while i continued touring before the pandemic to see if i could handle it ajdfhjb and i found it really interesting, and then once the pandemic hit i continued to take classes and applied to nursing school officially.

as for my nursing calling ... well, i'm a nanny, and i love babies but like i said i don't think something like the NICU is for me. but maternity / ultimately midwifery might be !! i've also considered that being a peds doctor's office nurse might be my speed bc i'm not entirely sure about hospitals, and i'm also interested in lgbt healthcare both from like . working for an office specifically for that but also from an advocacy perspective. i think no matter what i do i will always want to do community health and public health in some capacity, like not necessarily as my main job but definitely in my own time and network, i know i'll work hard to make change in this wonky healthcare system we have here. anyways ... thank u so much for this question bc as i'm off for the summer i'm not necessarily tuned into my 'why' right now and i think it's important that i don't forget it as the semester approaches and i'm like why am i doing this again ... NDBJHGB but ! if u read all this mwah and i'd really love to hear more about your nursing journey as well !!! pls feel free to dm me if you want to exchange non-tumblr contact info to talk more since. the messaging system here is like . u know <333

#the amaaazing thing w nursing is that there are TRULY so many avenues ... the opportunities are endless and it's a profession where u HAVE #to keep learning no matter what. and that was super appealing to me as well going in #and is reassuring going forward bc like. we can do ANYTHING we really can and we'll be making a difference <3 #erimail #mail from: mädch! 🩺#sorry this is a novel KJDBGJHBD but thank u for asking ... nursing besties 🥺💖

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xoshepard · 2 years

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today was my speaking test and they had a surprisingly hard time with it. they all scored decently but i gave them 15 questions and assumed it would take 2-3 minutes per person, but even my best students took 4-5 minutes and they all seemed to really be searching for how to say what they wanted to say. i think part of it is that they know they can say way more than they could last semester, so they’re pushing themselves to try to say things that they actually don’t know how to say yet. part of it is just them not studying (smh) and the rest is the volume that we learned. oh and nerves. some of them slipped up on questions where all they had to do was repeat almost exactly what i said, or just say yes or no, but they overthought and lost points for making it more complicated than it had to be 😭 college student dilemma

one of my students did point out to me that he felt like the test was very hard because we don’t really practice speaking/q&a in class, and i knoooooow he’s right. i was JUST thinking that i could give them so many more opportunities to speak if it was a daily class like i had in college and even though i know it’s moot bc i can’t do daily classes anyway, i feel so bad bc it’s rly to their detriment that they have a language class that only meets twice a week. on the flip side, it was nice that he felt comfortable enough to tell me that. i’ll figure something out, but tbh they probably won’t like it! dhsjdh but i know they’ll do their best

i always ask them if they’re doing okay and how the semester was and stuff like that before these one-on-one speaking tests and a lot of them vented a little to me which was nice too. i’m so happy that they’re comfortable telling me what’s going on w them and what they need, it makes it so much easier to tell when they’re falling behind or need a break, and the curriculum is pretty tough (especially for a class that is a major class for absolutely no one) and a lot of them have had considerably lower grades this semester than last semester, but most of them seem to want to continue next semester and keep trying to squeeze in the studying on the side of their engineering and whatnot, which makes me rly happy

this will be the only set of students i teach at this school (unless they hire me full time after i get my masters 🤔 but idk if i wanna live here again) and so they’re a rly meaningful class and i’m very glad i’ll get to see this textbook through with them next semester!!

#tirah talks #teaching is legit so fun it makes me so happy

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inkofamethyst · 2 years

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October 31, 2022

Course registration today was a bit of a mess, actually, but thankfully I think everything might turn out to be okay. There aren’t any restrictions listed for the education class I wanted to take next sem, but when I went to add it, the system told me that I had to be a education major to take it. So I email the instructor to plead my case, not expecting much bc she’s a grad student, and sullenly pick a greek art class as an alternate to fill the space. The instructor gets back to me in an hour with permission, and I think I should be able to get in. It’s a lower-level course, but the seats are already going pretty quick, so hopefully the registrar acts fast to lift to block.

I am having a wee bit of an anxious episode at the moment, but it was partly brought on by the frustration of feeling, once again, like an emotional punching bag. Not in the way that I’m being emotionally abused or anything, but, like, in high school I used to have a friend who had a lot of issues at home and she’d turn to me (and also to my dnd-friend) almost exclusively with her problems and it was really draining, honestly. I had to stop putting effort into that relationship because it felt so one-sided. And, frankly, she’s part of the reason that I don’t go to people with my problems. That people only hear about my problems after I’ve solved them or cannot conceive of a way to solve them myself and have already cried over it (and in those cases I go to my parents).

Anyway saxophone-guy (-friend?) saxophone-friend (the “guy” suffix will be saved for potential, uh, suitors) has been doing that to me since I met him and it’s become even more pronounced this semester now that we’re “just friends” because he never ever comes to me when he’s happy about something. I spent hours on a birthday present for him and the first thing he says to me when we next see each other in-person is how bad his day has been (he did thank me for the gift over text last week (also I’d like to be perfectly clear: this was not a gift given with the intent to win him back, as that ship has certainly sailed, it was a gift given with the intent to stop him from always being so down in the dumps over his voice (because any time he felt self-conscious about it, guess who he’d text and guess who’d have to use the same lines over and over again to comfort the guy (I don’t expect people to be perfect, and I understand we’ve all got our hangups, but he’s got a whole therapist)))). I just... people who start nearly every conversation with the intent of spilling their problems irk me. And he had the gall to say today that he doesn’t like going to people with his problems because he hates bringing down their day. HM. It seems as though the self-awareness doesn’t stretch as far as he thinks it does.

It’s not my intention to disparage people. I’m just terribly high-strung at the moment. Second round of midterms, a month until my applications are due, regular assignments on top of that, trying to prepare for my future...

I don’t want to come off like a fair-weather friend. Truly, I don’t. But the guy needs a journal. Maybe not an internet one, that seems like a pretty dumb idea tbh.

So that’s frustrating, and then I’ve got an exam tomorrow [edit, next day: it was just okay, I think the short answers were fine, but the matching was awful (who cares about Haldane’s rule so much that it shows up on two questions??)] and a draft of a paper due and two discussion boards to do because I’m behind and emails to send and two more exams this week and I’m already feeling awful. This Friday can’t come soon enough. And then I’m going to a concert (orchestra lol) this weekend, and a movie next week, and an opera two weekends from now... ah. Just gotta get through this hell of a week.

Today I’m thankful that... I’m thankful for GMM’s Vote Like a Beast web service. It was so useful and so much easier to build my ballot relatively painlessly compared to consulting a newspaper and endless maps. Midterm elections are so important, but the local-ness of it all can for sure be more overwhelming and confusing than the big national elections. And as a college student it would be so easy to just be Too Busy To Vote, but I’m glad I did.

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