#and then summer 2018 i didnt get out of bed for 2 weeks

[mercurialmilk]

Grief is an emotion I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.

I gotta get this out for the sake of my soul. It's a really long read.

back in June of 2020, my sister and I found a cat while out for a walk. She was really friendly but looked in really bad shape. She had horrible matted fur all down her back, she was so thin you could feel her entire spine, scratches and old injuries. But she was so curious and bright eyed!

We thought she might be a lost cat so we took her in, sent info to shelters and our block watch captain (oh, the suburbs) and took her to the vet.

They shaved her from the neck down because they couldnt do an exam the mats were so bad.

She was suffering from malnutrition, had several broken bones that healed wrong, beginnings of kidney problems, was partially deaf and had several superficial scratches and bad teeth.

A few days later we found her owners. They said their kids gave them 2 kittens years ago and they just live outdoors mostly. I was really shocked, at that time we lived in the suburbs next to a ravine filled with wildlife. Coyotes were seen almost every night.

They said that her brother died a little while ago from a coyote.

I was completely furious but tried to keep cool. I asked if they would be open to us keeping her? They asked why on earth we wanted a 19 year old cat (19 years old!!)

They warned me she had behavioural problems and peed all over their house and the woman (it was a couple) said that she "hated petting her because she was so boney"

Yikes.

We agreed that I could keep her as long as they didnt have to pay the vet bills.

(turns out the man of the couple was a bit more attached to the cats or maybe he felt guilty because a few weeks later he showed up with an envelope with half the cost of vet bills for me)

This cat was supposed to be my sisters. I've never been much of a cat person because growing up our mother would foster cats and the minute you got attached to one it was gone to a new home.

Unfortunately, due to some circumstances, my sister had to go to the hospital for a long time and I became the caretaker for this little girl.

First, I didnt want to let her into my bedroom. Then she wasnt allowed in my actual bed. Then she wasnt allowed to spend the night. All of these rules didnt last long at all.

We found the perfect equilibrium. She loved to sleep on my lap (she's incredibly small and perpetually cold) during the day (I work from home) and at night she would snuggle into the crook of my left arm (always the left) and snore peacefully into my ear.

I moved a few months after getting her. In the summer, she goes out to the patio and sleeps on the warm stones. She has a little harness and a really long leash so that she doesnt wander far. My desk is right by the door so I can sit and watch her. And untangle her when she gets wrapped around the patio furniture.

She never had a single "behavioural problem" like the couple said. She always went to the litterbox perfectly, even on long car trips when visiting my parents.

She doesnt like other cats (I think she is anxious about being bullied) but she likes dogs.

She is now completely deaf, which is great because I dont disturb her sleep with vacuuming or my work.

I completely fell in love. And honestly, she saved my life. She became my perfect companion. I put her on a raw meat diet, her fur grew back beautifully and she feels and looks a lot better!

Thing is, being 19 when I got her, I knew what that meant. I knew the end would come a lot sooner than I'd like so I truly treasure every single moment with her.

Yesterday I got the results of her blood and urine tests. Her kidneys are officially in stage 3 out of 4, meaning that the end is coming.

It could be a few weeks or months but there's no stopping this.

I've never lost a person before but my dog passed away after a prolonged illness in 2018 and it was easily the hardest thing that I've ever been through.

My only regret with my dog was that I was so desperate to keep her alive that I held on too tightly. It's never an easy decision because you dont know if it's the right time.

This time my only goal will be to give her the best possible end. Once she shows me that she's ready to go, I will listen. I already know I'm going to do it at home. I have researched the company that does it.

It probably wont happen for a while. She's still happy, eating ok, sleeping a lot but that's because she's a lil grandma. Right now, her diet is well in line with kidney heath.

I'm still waiting on test results to give me a better picture of how far into stage 3 she is. But the writing is on the wall and I'm full into grief.

Is it better or worse to know it's going to happen soon? Does it matter?

I passed all the stages of grief a long time ago (if you believe in that). I've been at 'acceptance' for a while now. But it really doesnt make it any easier.

I feel so weak and so powerless. I know this will pass and I will survive. I've survived before. I just needed to get this out.

Here's Kida. Although I never call her by her name. She's either Little Girl, Baby or Beloved.

When we first found her:

Vs today:

#tl:dr my elderly cat's kidneys are slowly shutting down and Im spiralling a little #tw animal death #tw animal harm #im grateful more than anything else #our lives intersected at the right time

[2loady]

summers are SO bad

#i remember the summer between 7th and 8th grade i lost like 20lbs because i barely ate #and then summer 2018 i didnt get out of bed for 2 weeks #summer 2019 i literally tore the skin off my hands and feet. still. processing that one. not anything new but it got REALLY bad that summer #and i still dont know why i did. or even do that. #haha ahha nervous habbit ? #tw #self harm #uhhhh #idk what else to tag this in case #but ._.

[fineosaur]

50 questions

I was tagged by @jeynepoole, thank u <33

what is the colour of your hairbrush? i have 2, a black one which is kinda big and then a small travel-ish one that’s mint green. both gifted to me because i used to not own one and my mum and sister would find it ridiculous.

name a food you never eat? agh i kinda eat everything now... but i try to stay away from shellfish and nuts cause i break out when i eat either

are you typically too warm or too cold? in mauritius ?? in this age of global warming?? always too warm babes

what were you doing 45 minutes ago? i was having my first cup of tea for the day

what's your favourite candy bar? flake cadbury chocolate

have you ever been to a professional sports game? ya but i was like 2 when we visited anfield.

what is the last thing you said out loud? “for fuck’s sake” because my sister ate my breakfast.

what is your favourite ice cream? hmm maybe hazelnut but i love a bubblegum.

what was the last thing you had to drink? water, hydrate, bitch.

do you like your wallet? yeaaa, i got it this year, it’s rly pretty and has a snakeskin pattern that matches my phone case so well. even if im not one for matching stuff

what is the last thing you ate? i havent eaten anything today yet, but i had some chips last night.

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i didn’t i didnt spend any money last weekend thankfully. 

what's the last sporting event you watched? hmm probably i caught a glimpse of a football match when walking by a tv but thats it. i dont watch sport anymore.

what is your favourite flavour of popcorn? salted! always. im a salty bitch to the end of my days.

who is the last person you sent a text message to? my best friend, who keeps trying to get me to take a pic of my supervisor BUT IM SICK FROM WORK TODAY.

ever go camping? no, im too high maintenance for that shit.

do you take vitamins? well ive just started on a magnesium supplement for my fatigue. 

do you regularly attend a place of worship? no lol, even if muslim women pray at home, i do not. 

do you have a tan? no :(( i really want one. summer is on its way here so i expect one soon enough 

do you prefer chinese or pizza? ugh chinese ofc. i only appreciate proper italian pizza, which you rarely find here. man now im just thinking of peking duck.

do you drink your soda through a straw? no i dont drink soda

what colour socks do you usually wear? i have light green, light blue, black and grey ones. that i interchange, these are all the no show ones. then i have regular white ankle socks for my trainers.

do you ever drive above the speed limit? i do not drive

what terrifies you? wow nothing came to mind. nice to know 

look to your left, what do you see? my rug, littered w my messes 

what chore do you hate most? washing dishes! but moping comes a close second because i go to hard and make my arms hurt. 

what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? @thelandofnothing LOL

what's your favourite soda? i dont drink soda!!! 

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru always bitch

what's your favourite number? 4, i decided on it when i was 4 and it stuck. but 15 comes a close second

Who’s the last person you talked to? like aloud? uh my sister when she barged into my room at 7 am.

favourite cut of beef? i dont have one, i just eat meat but i pay no attention to the cooking of it. i will not look at it raw. 

last song you listened to? matilda - alt j. my friend has been telling me to listen to it, apparently it makes him think of me. and i have no idea why.

last book you read? hmm yesterday i began reading my sister’s new book but then my migraine told me to stop.

favourite day of the week? thursdays. they just hit different

can you say the alphabet backwards? most likely not. i need words written down to even spell them out. i work visually, bitch. 

how do you like your coffee? i dont like coffee. if i ever do its w copious amounts of sugar.

favourite pair of shoes? a pair of black oxfords i bought back in 2018. theyre so comfy and they reflect my style a lot 

time you normally get up? 5:50am on weekdays, weekends are a gamble rly. 

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrises usually, but mauritian sunsets hit right too. 

how many blankets on your bed? i have my quilt and then a purple throw blanket.

describe your kitchen plates? white, nothing to them, theyre just white. 

describe your kitchen at the moment? eerie

do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? i’d say beer. it’s my go to, but i’ve been slowly trying out cocktails to find my favourite, i quite like gin as well as red wine. 

do you play cards? with friends ya, it’s usually when drinks are involved though. 

what colour is your car? my mum’s car is grey lol.

can you change a tire? i know the mechanics of it but have never been allowed

your favourite state? i dont ?? have one. i dont even know any states. is new york a state? if so, cause of @yanak324, i will say ny

favourite job you've had? well i’ve worked freelance stuff and now my current job, so i dont have much experience to say i have a favourite. but i really like my current job so i’ll say that. 

im gonna tag: ooft im tired but lets do this, @yanak324, @evax3, @sneetchstar, @northernfieldsforever, @salty-wench, @littlerockerao3, @nalgenewhore, @treaddelicately, @livhatesolives, @aryasbadbenergy, @watersandwolves

#tag games #this was LONG #about me

[dontyouhearmehowling]

oh my god. Ok so I just scrolled through your blog and my heart hurts because there is so much love and just so much stuff I can relate too and I just ahhh damnnn it I cant even but like can I please have the story of your relationship with this girl your with? please? i'm a hopeless romantic I feel too much I love so hard my own love life is complicated but i know the kind of love you talk about thats exactly how i love the love of my life too so yours is a story I need to hear

ok so. it all started on April 31st, 2018. i reblogged one of those ask games and she sent me an emoji that said “i’m too scared to talk to you but i think you’re great” and i was like do it!!! and she did!!!! she texted me after i had already gone to sleep tho, so i only answered the next day. but then we talked all day. and the next. and the next. and we never ran out of things to talk about and even only knowing her for a few days i already felt comfortable enough with her to talk about anything?? it was wild. since day 1 we’ve had this connection that i’ve never had with anyone else and its my favorite thing in the world. after like a week we already had a bunch of inside jokes, something that i’d never had before, and i was already crushing on her. ok so we became very close friends like immediately, and i mostly ignored my crush on her bc i thought she didn’t like me back and usually i’d get meaningless crushes on everyone at first before i met her. but then this other girl and i started flirting and i realized i didnt like her bc i liked c too much, so i broke things off and kinda went like “oh shit this is real” and decided that i’d just stay friends with c until i eventually couldnt take it anymore and had to tell her abt my feelings bc thats how i am. anyways ok cool meanwhile i made her watch the good place on rabb.it with me which will be relevant later.

ok so fast forward to may 21st or something around that time. its time to sleep bc i have school the next day so we say goodnight, but then i guess she says something or reblogs something and i get sad bc i realize she doesnt like me back. so i make some hashtag sad posts abt yearning and then i realize i told her i was going to sleep and i didnt want her to think i didnt want to talk to her so i text her again and say like “ok i was going to go to sleep but then i got sad abt my crush” and SHE GOES “you have a crush????????” and im there like. what in the hell bc not only did i not try to hide it At All, i constantly posted about it and had an entire tag about her and i thought it was pretty obvious. so anyways i go “yes?? i thoought you knew that?? im literally always posting about it??” and she asks me to talk abt the crush and who it is. i say “just stalk the tag if u want, im going to sleep” then shes like “nO WAIT WHO IS IT” and im like. blatantly ignoring that and my heart is already beating out of my chest but she Really wants to know and then at one point i say “please dont make me answer that” so shE SAYS “you’re making me think that its me” and i say “i dont know what you want me to say” and SHE GOES “I WANT YOU TO SAY THAT ITS ME BC I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU” so i just. die. right then and there. also yknow we talk about it and its like after 1 am and im just happier than i’ve ever been. ok so 2 days later she asks me out Officially and its great and shes the cutest gf ever and she made me feel more wanted than i’d ever felt in my entire life. then 6 days later she sends me a big big big text on tumblr and long story short (bc it was kinda personal), she would be deleting her all social media for the summer.

so she was gone. and we had only dated for a week at this point, but we’d known each other for 2 months, and i already loved her. i already knew she was the love of my life. i didnt even try to move on, i’d tell people i didnt wanna move on cuz i knew i was meant to love her. i had another blog like this that i used to talk about how much i loved and missed her (so like. exactly like this). i literally reasoned with myself that like. that happened because before i met her i was in a really bad place after a terrible relationship and i was almost giving up on finding someone who actually made me feel loved bc i thought it would never happened, so i was like “ok so i was in a really bad place, so the universe brought my soulmate a little early just for a while so that i would know i had to hold on, and when its actually time for us to be together, it will bring us to each other once again” like i actually told myself that, in those words. and yknow what? i wasnt even wrong. on july 15th she texted me from an empty tumblr with her old url and at first i literally couldnt believe it but we talked for hours and hours and i asked her what happened bc i thought she was disconnecting for the summer and she said “i was. i am. i just couldnt not talk to you anymore” and she said that she thought about me every single day, and i told her i missed her and she said she didnt text sooner bc she thought i’d be angry at her and ofc i wouldnt, i could never be angry at her and besides, she was just taking care of herself and i said i dont think i could be anything less than head over heels for for, and she said she felt the same way, but wasnt ready to be more than friends yet. but that had always been more than enough for me. just having her in my life would always be more than enough for me. so we stayed friends.

then, on august 9th i got this ask.

and she saw it after i said i was gonna go to bed (bc again, i had school the next day) and she texted me a whole thing about how that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her and that i should be asleep but she had to get it out of her chest and that her anxiety made it hard for her to show how much i meant to her so she was sorry if i didnt know and this would probably make no sense but she was tired of keeping it to herself bc shes the luckiest person alive for having met me and that it was gonna be so hard because shes so difficult (shes not) and her anxiety is difficult but that she literally spent every night thinking about me and of buying plane tickets to come see me so that she could be with me. then she was like “im sorry if this is uncomfortable to you and you can just ignore it but i think im in love with you and this is over text and not romantic at all (it was the most romantic night of my life) but you’re asleep (i wasnt) and we arent together but i want to be one day” and until this i was Trying to fall asleep and then i checked my phone that kept RINGING and died a thousand times over and started to answer and she sent other texts saying “i’ve never felt this way about anyone before i’m so in love with you its fucking ridiculous and this is gonna be so complicated but fuck i want this so bad / i’m sorry it took me so long / would you move to new york with me?” and i was This Close to literally fucking exploding like. how the hell was this happening how was it not a DREAM. so we talked and i obviously said i loved her too and eventually she asked me out and thats still probably the best night of my life. other highlights: “i’ve loved you way before august 9th so jot that down” and “off topic but i love you / you’re honestly my other half” and, after i said “you cant make me laugh its 2am”, she answered “i’m going to make you laugh for the rest of your life so help me god” and thats my favorite thing anyone has ever said to me probably and so far she’s kept her word.

anyways we got back together and then she told me that she never even told her friends she broke up with me??? bc that way she could keep pretending we were still together???? literally like sjdksndk imagine being this loved. i dont have to. anyways she wrote poems abt me sometimes and her christmas gift for me was gonna be a book with all her poems and she called it “what we owe to each other” because of the good place (remember how i said it’d be relevant later? its later) bc like she said that when we were watching tgp together on rabb.it thats when she realized that she Really Truly liked me like For Real. and the inscription on the book was going to be “to the girl i love / and what i owe her” and. yall. i cry. anyways one of the poems had a huge impact on us. heres the story:

and she got them but we broke up before she got to mail them to me. what happened was she had some mental health problems and she said she couldnt give me what i needed at the time but knew i’d still give her my all bc thats just how i am and she thought it wouldnt be fair so she broke things off to work on her mental health. she said she would need some time before we could be friends. the last thing we said was that we loved each other. this was in like november 2018, and we didnt talk for months. i actually tried to move on this time after a while, but it didnt take. and then i gave up for good. havent tried since. but anyways, then, on march 11th, 2019, i had my first day of college back in my home country, and we have this “pranks”/games that seniors get to do to the freshmen, and one of them required eggs, and they asked us to paint them, so i panted mine as iron man bc it was easy, but c LOVES iron man. like. LOVES. like in a Whole New Level of loving. once when we were dating she said she loved me more than tony stark and i was like. shook. like she tattooed “T.S” on her ankle after him. u get the point. she loves him very much, its adorable and endearing and i love it. anyways. so i sent her a picture of it saying like “you dont have to answer this but i made this for my university and i thought you would like it” and she answered and IMMEDIATELY something clicked and we talked and talked and talked and it was never weird or awkward or uncomfortable. it never is with her. its incredible, i cant explain it. i Know shes my soulmate like thats the ONLY possible explanation for this kind of connection. its unreal. anyways. we became friends again! all was well.

then one beautiful night she drunk texts me sndjkajs she sends me so many texts and says it sucks that we live so far away and that she saw my posts (in this particular case, one that said something about like. when she talked about love now, was it about someone else?) and she said that it wasnt. and then she went to sleep and i only saw the texts when i woke up and i was DYING bc we had a 4 hour difference and it’d take a while for her to wake up. when she did, we talked and she said she wasnt over me and was scared she might never be, and even though we were still gonna stay friends, it was nice to know that she still loved me. ok so fast forward a bit more and i was starting to wonder if she’d moved on again, when she finds out her best friend had a crush on her, and that conversation ends up with her saying “it was 100% platonic for me / sorry if thats weird i just wanted you to know that” and it was NOT weird it was GREAT NEWS bc i was Hella jealous of her best friend and at first i wondered if they were dating and anyways the fact that she wanted me to know that was a pretty good hint that she still had feelings for me. ngl im still somewhat jealous of h (c’s best friend), but thats just bc im an insecure lil bitch and also bc they get to go out and do stuff together that i cant do with c bc of the distance, yknow? but anyways. then she went on a graduation trip in mid to the end of june and she bought me a magnet. just. out of nowhere. i cannot stress enough how Incredibly unexpected this was. so much so that i actually convinced myself that it meant she was over me????? literally. what the fuck. anyways we named him together and coincidentally (or bc of soulmate powers. who knows) we both had the same favorite names. i still love that.

okay so then we go to july 29th, 2019. first of all theres one of my favorite interactions Ever which was like after i was venting about something and i was thanking her and i said “you’re always here for me” to which she answered “nowhere else i’d rather be” and i still think thats peak romance and i will take no criticism on this. anyways so then she sent me a poem that she wrote based on a song i’d sent her (the song i called “heaven is a place” and its the BIGGEST mood for being in love and i sent it to her bc it was how i felt about her so her writing a poem about it?? literally the best thing ever. love it) anyways it was a beautiful poem and i cried and got very emotional and kinda went too far in my compliments (aka being very obvious about my romantic feelings) and then i was like oh no sorry if i made u uncomfortable and she was like. “you have NEVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER made me uncomfortable” “you’re the only person on planet earth i am comfortably myself around” and “there’s nothing you could ever say that i wouldn’t wanna hear” and anyways it was just very good and romantic conversation even tho we were just cough cough platonic hashtag gal pals hashtag no homo ✌️ and then she was like ok wait. i need to talk to u abt something. and in short she said she was waiting for us and i was like well what are you waiting for exactly? and she was like idk?? for us to accidentally bump into each other in new york in a few years?? WHICH WAS LITERALLY WHAT I’D DAYDREAM ABOUT BACK IN JUNE 2018 BEFORE SHE CAME BACK OKAY so anyways we had a Great conversation and said i love you about a thousand times each and she decided she was gonna buy tickets to come see me. and then she dID like TWO DAYS LATER. lichrally. queen of impulsivity but in the best way possible.

—————

ok quick edit here cuz i forgot to say that when i found out she was coming i asked for my mom’s help to make a necklace pendant for her from scratch. my mom works with prosthetics so she has the material to make jewelry and back when c and i were dating in 2018 i had made this lil design for a necklace that had the moon and the ocean (bc duh) and i was gonna give it to her for valentines day in 2019 but we broke up before that so i didnt get the chance, but when i found out i was meeting her i knew i had to. so i made the necklace in wax, like this:

and my mom took it to her work and heated it up to melt it and keep the shape of it to fill with silver, and this was the result:

i gave it to her when she got here and she wore it while she was here and it made me so happy. ok edit over

—————

ok so we kept being like couple-y but not officially in a relationship bc we didnt want to make her anxiety worse. also at one point she was like “so about the ‘i love you more than the moon/ocean’ thing, since we BOTH love BOTH of the moon AND the ocean, i think its only Fair if we update our love declarations to ‘i love you more than the mocean’ bc its mix of both but thats not a word, buT its pronounced exactly like ‘motion’. therefore we should both start saying ‘i love you more than the motion’”. so now we have both the wonderful, romantic, original version, and the NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL DO U HEAR ME C??? version :) and after this day she always started with the WORST!!!!!! version, and i always started with the Only Valid Version, but we’d still answer each other’s ofc because. well. thats love i gues?? it sorta goes like this though: her: i love you more than the motion / me: i hate u / me: i literally hate u so much / me: i Also love you more than the motion

but anyways she was coming to visit me but the plane ticket wasnt for my home country it was for where i was going to university at (a new university, i was starting over) and when i first got here on this campus, i didnt have a working phone number for this country, and i wouldnt be able to access the wifi for 3 days, so i had no way of talking to her. it was TERRIBLE and i missed her more than anything in my LIFE but when i got wifi (after CRYING to the people here bc theyre the most unorganized uni ever and i was already very overwhelmed and stressed) i immediately called her and she’d sent me over 100 text messages dkfjssjks it was amazing, there were two (2) videos of her singing (which is like. objectively the best thing in the world, and the song was rlly romantic and i love it sm when she showed it to me for the first time she said it made her think abt me), a poem, AND a HUGE text with “i love you” written like. a THOUSAND TIMES. seriously i have a gif of it opening and scrolling bc it was so long that the text wouldnt show up directly on the chat screen and u have to click on it to see the rest. i’d never felt more loved in my entire life by anyone ever. anyways so then it came the day for her to get here and i had to wake up at 5 am to go get her at the airport and the uber was like $40 but who CARES it was the best day of my LIFE and i got there 20 minutes earlier bUT GUESS WHAT SO DID SHE (hashtag just soulmate things) then we facetimed the entire time while she was walking through the airport and getting her luggage and then she hung up to walk to the door where i was and we hugged for like 5 minutes and we were totally in people’s way and also almost fell but it was the best thing in the world and i never should’ve let her go. but, we had to go home, so i did. and we spent 4 days together and im not gonna go into details bc this is already too long but u can always send me another ask about her visit if ur not a coward. also i bought her a hoodie from my uni and whenever she wears it i just. die. in short, those days were the happiest i’ve ever been. this campus res had never felt like home before that friday and it hasnt again since that monday, but i swear to god, during those 4 days, this was the only place i could possibly belong.

anyways then she left and i cried for the entire uber ride home and then i cried all day. lmao. also when she was here she gave me the poetry book, the magnet, and the bracelet. still wear the bracelet every single day and i love it more than anything. but then personal stuff happened and we kinda stopped being couple-y again and we’re just friends now but before new years i asked her if she still loved me and she said yes and she said she’d tell me if it changed so ✌️✌️ im assuming it hasnt. even tho my brain is a bitch and everyday its like. today. today is the day. this is when its gonna happen. buT yknow we’ve spent months before without even talking to each other and we got through that still in love, so i mostly ignore it. and tbh i know that actually like, even if we grow apart now (god forbid, but still) we’ll find our way back to each other eventually. like, i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: nothing, not even the universe itself, can convince me that shes not my soulmate. and even if it turns out i’m not hers, loving her is still the greatest honor i can think of.

another edit: also i started drawing recently and the first person i’ve ever finished drawing was her and also (surprise surprise @c since you’re already seeing all my feelings anyway) bc of my second drawing i almost missed the deadline for one of my midterms (which was a take-home test) bc instead of writing it i spent the entire day before the deadline finishing the drawing which was a secret valentines day gift (secret as in she didnt know it was supposed to be a gift, she thought it was just a drawing inspired by a quote that she loves) and i finished at 2 am but shes 3 hours behind so for her it was still 11 pm which MEANS it was still valentines day so it still counts, i win, lesbian rights!

#mine #l #answered #dont rb #i dont think anyone will but ​this is personal and i dont want to risk it getting out #i wanna have this bc i love telling people this story and next time someone asks i’ll just send them this post

[kay-the-emotional-loser]

my story

I know i dont have a following and i doubt anyone will see this but I need to get my story out there. I’ve always been a very emotional person, and have had bad depression since i was ten. but when I was thirtteen is when it all started going downhill. I had just quit gymnastics (something I loved doing but was too depressed to continue) and instead of getting my energy out through gymnastics I started cutting as a coping mechinism. I cut for about six months before I tried to kill myself the first time. sitting on the floor crying with my blood covered legs I decied to drink bleach. I then passed out in the floor asleep. I woke up vommiting. I had not drank enough to do actual damage so I never told my parents. I also became anirexic and balimic. starving myself or days and at the rare times I would eat I would purge. At age fourteen I got my first boyriend, he was seventeen and promised me the world. So even though all my life up until I met him I always tried to be a good kid. aka no drugs or alcohol. But when he bacame a part of my life everything changed. Before we started dating he got me to sneak out to his car in the middle of the night. I was expecting us to talk or maybe have my first kiss but it turned into him just wanting head. As a person with low self estem I wouldn’t tell people know from fear of dissapointing them. about a week later he asked me to sneak out again this time to my family’s RV that was in our drive way. That night he took my virginty. Although it was consitual I was clearly not ready. We dated for six months. We would see eachother at least three times a week. But everytime we’d hang out he just wanted head, or sex. He also inerduced me to vaping. I cant say our relationship was all bad he was good at times. Then on December 12th at 2:46 am we got in a fight. he called me  worthless. So i decided to sneak out for a walk. My walk came to a stop when this dark colored Tahoe pulled on the side of the road by me. There were two guys one driving and one that grabbed me and put me in the back seat with him. That man raped me that night then threw me out of the car like it was an everyday thing or him. I had  swore never to tell anyone. Then suddenly my boyfriend. broke up with me on december 31st 2018. I was devestated. I started cutting more and started making bad lie choices. At the beging of febuary I had a guy friend call me (he was 20) He and his friends wanted me to sneak out with then and said if I didnt do everything they told me to do that they would kill me. so me being suicidal I snuck out. we got caught by the cops. The next morning my mom made an emergency meeting with my theripist. seeing all the self harm and all the stupid descions. they decided it was best for me to go to the hospital. So I got sent to a psych ward for the firt time. I stayed there for about a month. When I came back home it wasnt long before I was sel harming again. Then at the end of march I tried to take my life away by overdose. I went to a difirent psych ward for 10 days. where they changed all of my meds and diagnosed me with Bi-polar. then though summer I did pretty good and stayed out of trouble. then in october I went to a 3rd  psych ward for slitting my wrist. now here I am three days before christmas but too depressed to get out of bed. I just hate myself so much. I feel like all im good for is to be used. Now I’m drinking again and vaping tons. I keep saying i wish i was happy again. But i dont know ive ever been happy.

[sophocused]

uni recap 2019

I think it's really important for young studyblrs still in high school or junior high to be exposed to more detailed and honest uni experience anecdotes, so buckle up because it’s about to get real honest and a little personal in here.

I'm in the middle of the fall term of my second uni year, technically now in the 2nd year of my general B.Sc. and I need to start from the beginning a little bit, especially when it comes to my academic journey so far.

Let's start with junior high, when adults always want to ask what you want to be when you grow up. After going to a career symposium with friends, a field trip run by the school, that's when I heard about the College of Pharmacy at the "top" university of the province.

First thing that attracted me was that they make an annual $100k a year, and to my 14 year old impressionable mind that was convinced that my future had to revolve around making bank, I decided from there that I would work towards the end goal of becoming a pharmacist.

I was convinced that pharmacy was the ultimate goal to get my life going, as a real functioning adult of society.

Fortunately, I was wrong. It was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one nonetheless.

Since this is an academic recap, I won't bring up the mental health and physical health bits of the last eight years of my life, I'll fastforward to high school senior year, when I decided I would (as a minimal effort-get straight A's student) actually TRY in my studies again. It was because my work ethic had grown to a point that when I didn't try and still got a B or A, I was scared of the moment I would actually try and then not get an A or A+. I wanted to fight that fear of realizing that I'm not "effortlessly good at thngs" because I didnt want to have a fear of failure.

(Disclaimer: it's been three years since then and I'm still a work in progress when it comes to my relationship with failures but it is getting consistently healthier, despite bumps)

Thus, I started this studyblr three years ago, June 30th 2016 I believe?? My url was chemystery for the first few days but sophocused came up because of sophocles (not that hes my fave philosopher or anything) it just stuck ANYWAY IM GETTING DISTRACTED

So I actually tried in my last year of high school, worked hard and got A's in physics, pre-calculus, and AP chemistry. The AP chemistry came with a provincial exam, that in getting a score of 4, granted me a $150 reward, and the grade of a B in two university courses (2 chem prerequisites)

I was a fool and no one exactly explained to me that those 2 courses were even harder when taught through uni, because I really wasted nearly $1000 in taking those two courses again in my first year of uni, in hopes of turning them into A's.

I should probably mention that going into uni, the pharmacy program had 2 chem, 2 bio, 1 calc, 1 written course, and 2 electives, as prerequisites. My innocent mind, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal, registered for a full five and five course load, so that I could finish all my prerequisites within my first year of uni, and apply for the college of pharmacy by March. (Back then, it was still a Bachelor's program where selection process depended on your AGPA, and your mark on a written critical skills essay)

I learned the hard way that for university, it is a mentally and emotionally laborious task to try and juggle five classes, having to hold yourself accountable when it comes to attendance and figuring out what notes you want to take. There's no way to write physical hand-written notes for five courses (not for me anyway).

It was incredibly fast-paced as well, and I had many days where I just didn't want to get out of bed. I was so conflicted with my perfectionist mindset, and the pressure to get a 4.0 GPA that I spread myself so thin and honestly it was one of the most difficult years of my life. I still got out with 8 B's and 2 A's by the end of my first year. I was ashamed of those B's.

When it came to applying for pharmacy however, despite the grades I got, my GPA didn't make it to the minimum 3.50 needed to be applicable for pharmacy, but I got my transcript a month after I had already applied for pharmacy and I had even done the written exam.

I had to face my first big failure which was getting the email that they couldnt even look over or consider my application because my GPA did not reach the minimum required.

On top of that, I learned that I could not just simply try again the next year. This was because suddenly, the university decided they were going to change the Bachelors pharmacy program into a PharmD. A doctorate. To me, that meant they added eight more prerequisites (even more difficult uni courses with chem and human phys), and a required PCAT score. We also were not allowed to apply until Fall 2020. That meant, I now suddenly had no plan for my academic career for the next two years because I had really only ever thought about getting into pharmacy on the first try.

After a breakdown or two last year upon processing this, I had made the decision and talked to my parents about trying for it again, and doing the new prerequisites. This brought in the new mental turmoil of money on my mind during my summer after first year of uni, thousands of dollars this would cost, suddenly having no routine for four months after working at max brain capacity for 6 months.

My 2nd year of uni, fall 2018, a lot of growing had happened, a lot of processing of failure happened, just. a lot. happened.

October 2018, I got a job at a school, so I really juggled my school stuff with work. Five days a week, I would be up at 6-7am and then get home around 6:30pm, while doing human physiology, organic chemistry 1, an eastern religions elective, and an intro to statistics course.

long story short, yes I must spare you the details of the process of it all because it got pretty sad. That was my worst uni term, ending with 1 B, 1 C+, 1 C, and an F in organic chem.

My first F in university. My first F ever in my entire school life. It was a begrudging blow at my mental state, and I spent two to three weeks devastated. I dont know how I got out of it, I think one day I just said to myself, "Okay you got an F, but did you die?"

Honestly, the humour in that really cheered me up, among other things, and the emotional support I got from my older sister, and by the time I got into the 2nd half of my uni year (right now), I have discovered I potentially have a calling to become a teacher or to work in the lab as a technician.

Most importantly, most if not all of the credits I've earned, are also applicable to get into the Faculty of Education. Basically, I came to peace with having options, and digging deep into myself to really find the thing that I could really see myself doing based on my personality and interests, not just on the money and the rush of finishing school.

I just finished the longest midterm season of winter 2019, with my first midterm being early February and my last midterm + essay deadline on March 15th... I did well. I did well in trying to really take care of myself while trying to go to every class and trying to work hard as much as I could everyday. I think out of my many midterms, I got 1 A, 4 B's, and a C. These are all salvageable. I do still really want to keep working towards a 4.5 GPA but now I'm okay if that doesnt always turn out to be what I get.

Anyway I finally get to write something like this because I've been busy for the past month, a lot of things happened again in the midst of it all, but I'm still okay. I get a week to rest before my lab exam and then it's finals season.

This time, I'll try hard not to just let my life pass me by, with only ever school and academics in mind, I had gotten really sad these past few weeks, and I'm usually good at being my own antidote for that, but I really got to a point where I felt I had no strength to pick myself back up.

Last night I said "fuck it" and decided to go to my cousin's house who I hadn't seen in over a month to spend time with them instead of working on my 30% essay due midnight. Before I was so desperate to finish it, terrified of the 2% deduction per day it would be late, but after crying on the bus, I had had enough of letting my academics bring this much weight on my mental health. After spending four hours with my cousins and aunt, I came home to my mom, and I watched a two hour movie with her.

I didn't regret it one bit. I felt better than I had in a long, long while.

Now, this Friday, my grandma and other cousin are flying in, and I cant wait to just keep healing.

Thank you for reading, or scanning over, I hope you got something good out of this, as I am telling this story both for my sake, and for other students’ who might commonly find themselves in the same boat. I believe in you.

#nina rambles #march 17 2019 #happy st. patrick's day #studyblr #studyblr tips #uni studyblr #university stories #university ramble #uni student #uni diaries #college struggles #uni struggles

[maternalcube]

i did an art summary so now im doing a fic summary. i was tagged by @jamthedingus also!! ive never done one of these before!! lets go!!!

Rest (13106)

Keith & Lance's Island Adventure (20631)

Atlantis (10014 words)

The Way to a Man’s Heart (6858 words)

nobody's business (2096 words)

leave, and take (557 words)

dead girl walking (1661 words)

the course of fate (1039 words)

who ya gonna call (465 words)

come here often? (806 words)

til kingdom come (1950 words)

stars in the sky (pt 2) (5404 words)

a song of falling (630 words)

Eyes to the Sky (3683 words)

Feet on the Ground (4050 words)

Divergence (6669 words)

homecoming (1426 words)

Window of Opportunity (11144 words)

along that wilderness of glass (3801 words)

string theory (2327 words)

Katt Week (1062 words)

The Pining-Plant (3860 words)

at the end of many worlds (21684 words)

you're my home (19646 words)

Believe Me (3177 words)

Starchild (3568 words)

Summer Heat (2285 words)

third time's the charm (5349 words)

Blackbird (59546 words)

The Sixth Planet (9444 words)

all the infinite realities (1197 words)

Total Fics: 31! (plus one i posted anonymously lmao) Total Words: 229999! (except parts of string theory and the sixth planet were actually posted last year... but still, what a number)

more under the cut!

Ship/character breakdown: i didnt filter out my prompt collection or abandoned wips here so /shrug Ship breakdown:

klance - 6 sheith - 5 shance - 5 katt - 4 heith - 3 pallura - 2 and one each of plance, kallura, allurance, shatt, shkatt, kidge, kidgance, and shunk. and keiths parents lol. let it never be said i am not a multishipper.

and i know gen isnt a ship but it tied with klance at 6 (plus whatevers in the prompt collection) which was a surprise

Character breakdown: man if theres a way to get ao3 to show me ALL the stats, i dont know it. but.

keith - 25 (shocker) shiro - 23 lance - 21 pidge - 17 hunk - 16 allura - 12 matt - 12 and then coran and sam are at 4, and zarkon ats 3 and presumably many others are at 3 or less

Characters that had the main focus: well ~9 were from keiths pov, and ~5 each from shiro and lances povs. i think i also had ~5 from multiple points of view. its safe to say that keith has my heart tho lol

Specifics:

Best/worst title? Best title: i still like “at the end of many worlds.” i weirdly still like “Blackbird” too even if it has nothing to do with anything... Worst title: “Rest.” :/ also like all of the abandoned wips bc i didnt care. and “Keith & Lance's Island Adventure.″ some of my zine fic titles were also... bad. im bad at titles.

Best/worst first line?

Best: Keith & Lance's Island Adventure. ok the title is bad but this line? this really sets the tone for whole fic. you know what youre getting yourself into here.

When Pidge invited Keith to a fully-funded graduation party aboard the Holt family boat (“the smaller one, anyway,” she’d said), this is not exactly what he'd pictured: three of them standing on a wobbly dock, packed bags at their feet, sky cloudy and gray, while the Holt siblings stand on a little ledge off the back of the boat and deny entry.

Worst: ive got two for this lol

at the end of many worlds: even i have to read this a couple times to figure out what i was trying to say. at least you know youre in for pain...

Keith’s mother shows up to interrupt movie night often enough that, this time, Keith almost doesn’t realize anything’s wrong. Almost, because she’s silhouetted by the movie, but she’s clutching her arm and panting for breath, and in the thin edge of light around her he sees a wet and vibrant red.

Divergence: because all your friends being dead is EXACTLY like losing at dodgeball. yeah, theres a reason i abandoned this one.

Hunk always hated playing dodgeball. Not because he was bad at it--though he was--but because he always ended up the last one standing, and therefore the only target for the entire other team. It was due to a tendency to hang unnoticed in the back, he knew, but that didn't change the sickening, empty feeling of looking around and realizing there's no one left but him, and there's no way he can win. Only wait for the inevitable.

This, Hunk decides, is a lot like that, only, like, a billion times worse.

Best/worst last line?

Best: The Pining-Plant. there are a few others that were cute too but this one is also good out of context so

And then the pod swishes open and he's scrambling to catch Pidge as she stumbles out. She clings to his arms to steady herself and his heart swells.

"Falling for me again, huh?" he asks, and she groans loudly.

"Let me go, I'm getting back in the pod," she says, and he laughs. He doesn't let go, and neither does she.

Worst: if im bad at titles, im worse at endings. most are bad. i suspect the ending to “Rest” is terrible but i cant bring myself to even open that shit again so: Believe Me. if weather were a recurring theme in this fic, itd be fine, but as is its just... a weird note to end the fic on lmao

Hunk rocks back on his heels. "We aren't counting this as our official first date, right?"

"I dunno," Keith says, and now he smiles at the rain instead of frowning. It shows no sign of easing up, but whatever—they're soaked anyway. "This seems pretty good to me."

“...All right.” If nothing else, it’ll make a good story. And, Hunk had to admit—he’s pretty happy with how it’s turned out, rain and all.

But next time, he's double-checking the forecast, just in case.

General questions:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

more than i expected! considering ive been in grad school all year!! i wrote about the same amount wordcount-wise in 2017 which i spent only half in school so. idk how i managed it.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

the anonymous fic was a surprise but im not gonna talk about that lol. otherwise... nah, its all been my usual stuff.

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

blackbird, probably. i like working on that one. summer heat was also fun, id sort of forgotten about it bc it was a zine fic but coming back to it, i really liked it. likewise with third time’s the charm. and i like t6p a lot even if i kinda hate drawing for it :’)

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

depends on your metric. window of opportunity has the most kudos, keith and lance’s island adventure has the most hits, and t6p has the most comments and subscriptions. 

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

AT THE END OF MANY WORLDS. oh man i killed myself over that fic. it was important to me. but i think the mcd scared everyone off :’)

Story that could have been better?

i realize “all of them” is kind of a cop out answer but like

Sexiest story?

i have written nothing sexy, ever, in my whole life

Saddest story?

i mean, ateomw. considering all the death. blackbird def has its moments too.

Most fun?

i feel like i answered this in the favorite story q lmao. you’re my home also gets a shoutout, that thing was,, super self-indulgent lmao. and id be lying if i said i didnt have fun with parts of ateomw, even if its mostly sad.

Story with single sweetest moment?

man i write a lot of fluff but so much of you’re my home is just tooth-rotting. heres part of the proposal scene lmao

"Lance!" Keith yelps, barely rescuing the ring from falling into the sand with them. Lance pushes himself up on his arms, silhouetted by the sun and glowing with it.

"Really?" he asks breathlessly.

"Yeah," Keith says, and maybe he should've prepared something to say, that's a thing people do, right? Hell, he's winging it. "I know we can't stay here on Earth forever, 'cause we're paladins, and there's still stuff out there we gotta do. And I know you probably want to stay because this is your home—but you're my home, and if we gotta go, at least you'll have me, good or bad." He grins crookedly. "Or rocket science. Whatever happens, I'll be there."

Hardest story to write?

well t6p gets a shoutout, but its not the writing thats the hard part for that. uhhh ive struggled with parts of blackbird. i remember k&l’s island adventure giving me a LOT of trouble, i think i posted late lol

Easiest/most fun story to write?

anything short uhhh for all the infinite realities, i kind of just sat down the other day (actually i was in bed but) and was like “im gonna write this” and then in the morning i just sat down and wrote it in one go. i dunno if id call it fun, but it was easy. t6p is super fun to write but, as mentioned, drawing it sucks.

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

no... my perceptions probably have shifted but not due to anything i wrote in particular. i did talk myself into liking allurance with a prompt fill, though, but im not sure that was 2018...

Most overdue story?

all the infinite realities lmao. at the end of many worlds needed that happy ending. and another shoutout to t6p, because thats been going on over a year and im still nowhere.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

does posting my abandoned wips count? ive still got some of those hanging around... blackbird was a bit of a risk bc my last longfic was written while i was unemployed and out of school, so like i had the time for it, and now i kinda dont. still chugging tho. ateomw b/c of all the death but it turns out i really like writing whump woops. and writing any sort of kissing always feels like a risk bc i suck at it but im getting better lol... i hope...

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

write more! finish things! do more sheith! i really want to work on this sheith longfic i came up with the other day... but i want to get blackbird over with first.

Tagging: eh! do it if you want to!

#i need a fic tag #HOO BOY

[julietteswiftie]

HEY T! Where do I start? Well first, my really poetic self is thanking you for the most 7 years of my life. Being in this fandom has brought me tears, of joy and sadness, so many friends that I got to meet at the show and so much more. Let’s go back in time, in summer 2011 I believe. I was in my cousin’s living room, back in Quebec, Canada, and my older cousin played You belong with me and as you may can tell, I fell in love with this 20 years old girl’s music. It was around this time that you came to Montreal for the Speak Now World Tour for the first time. At this point, I knew that I would follow you as I grow up for many years. Fast forward to 2012. Then, I changed school in 4th grade. I met these 2 girls, also fan of yours: Laurence and Maé. Actually, they became my two closest friends and they still are after 6 years. They also are the one who were willing to travel 8 hours to see you in Toronto. Anyways, I was quite shy at that time and didnt knew if they were nice or not. But Laurence quickly brought me into her group of friends wich another fan of yours was a part of: Marianne. She taught me A LOT about you ( Loft 89, the whole early 1989 era, etc). So, Laurence quickly convinced me to do the school talent show to perform one of your songs. In the middle of the Red Era, we hesitated between We are never ever getting back togheter or I knew you were trouble. She choosed WANEGBT because of the IKYWT goat meme HAHA. So for the next months following our inscriptions, I dreamed about seeing you on the Red Tour. But sadly, you didnt came to Montreal. But then the big day came and we performed in striped shirts, with sunglasses on and Keds, well, the whole Red look basically. We had this choreography the makeup the whole thing. We were four on stage: Laurence, Marianne, Rebecca and my 9 year old self. In between 4th and 6th, it was peaceful while listening to your music. Then, I stepped into 1989 era as one in the fandom. Shake it off came out and I LOVED IT. I couldnt wait for the whole album. Then, i started cheerleading and it was quite hard to keep up with everything going on. July 6th 2015, you came to Montreal for the 1989 World Tour. My two friends, Laurence and Marianne went but I couldnt due to the arena being sold outtoo fast. I was so sad and waited until the very early morning to see the pictures of the show on the news. A year later, I started highschool, wich means 7th grade for us haha. I was really naive and this is the moment I really related to every single song of yours due to break ups, feud with friends, all kind of problems an almost 13 year old has navigating into the teen world. One of them was The Story Of Us wich really represented this relationship I had that broke my heart for nothing. At the end of that year, wich troughout I made impressions of you during drama class, would be compared to you in everyday life, I started guitar lessons and songwriting. Oh and not to mention that July 7th 2016, I cut my hair like you. 8th grade was quite hard for me. My grades werent has good as I expected them to be, my relationship with this same guy kept getting complicated. On april 29th, I had my first drama show. I was playing this kinda jet set woman having an affair. When i was backstage, My stare came across the guy i loved staring at me. I turned my head to hide my tears floading my eyes and came back to the stage light, thanking the audience. A couple days later, may 3rd i believe. I was admitted to the hospital for wrist surgeries. I remember listening to your music before and after it. It juste made the pain go away. Then, i was at the point of my scolarity that you guys call Freshman year. Except that we dont change schools. So this year, it was pretty great but i had quite a lot of lows. During that summer, i madd a lot of internet friends and we talked about the trial and everything. I remember the last day, i opened Instagram and I saw this post that made me burst into tears: TAYLOR SWIFT HAS WON HER 1$ TRIAL AGAISNT ASSAULTER. Weeks later, your profiles are slowly deleting everything on them. Oh didnt i told you that i also bursted into tears into the Ikea parking when I saw this video of a snake tail on your empty profile. For the following weeks, rep announcement, look what you made me do release, i was LIVING FOR IT. Then this trailer that said ...ready for it on it during the football game came out and i was likeoh man this must be a NEW SINGLE kznddkxj. I was right wow. On october 28th, I injured my elbow during circus class and was rushed to two different hospitals. The next day, my life changed. I was in stuck in bed and decided to listen to stranger things for the first time. I soon realized that I trully wanted to become an actress AND a singer. For the next months, i tried my hardest to find a way to audition for the show but I didnt. I still do remember the cold feeling of my tears stained cheeks at night. Oh wait that could be a good lyric haha. But this woman, my idol, once said that you should never give up on the things you love. Oh and thats you if you didnt know. On November 10th 2017, this masterpiece came out and i died of love for this album. I remember being in my bed, at like 3 in the morning, hearing the last song off this record and bursting into tears. New years day was so undescribable. So in december, i bought tickets for the Reputation stadium tour with my two best friends Maé and Laurence for Toronto night two on August 4th 2018. Crazy that when I write this, its already July 31th. I will always remember chosing these seats 9-10-11 row 12 section 130 AR, close to the b stage. We planned this whole trip, did our costumes, everything to make this a lifetime experience. Our costumes are Heart Robbers. So basically we are stealing your broken hearts from past relationships off the hands of your ex lovers so you can be loved brand new by Joe. And lets be real, you guys are the cutest. Anyways, During the whole year, i developped my singing and acting skills a lot so i could realize my dreams and goals. I dont know if I will ever meet you saying from today. But i know some of my friends did and i couldnt be more thankful for it. You know Jessica Johnson right? She was invited to the Nashville SS and a couple of weeks earlier, I made this edit of her and you and she was crying looking at it then it became reality. The same for my friend Asya, you met her at pre show m&g this tour and i screenshotted the dm of me saying « this is the era you meet taylor ». It became real. I never got noticed but i once was on the same livestream as you before the delicate premiere and somehow it was amazing. I couldnt thank you enough for everything you know. For Clean being this song that I relate to the most, For Call it what you want, new years day and dancing with our hands tied ( sounds a lot like the 80s synth vibe and the stranger things theme) to being my faves and for just you being you, this dorky adorable cat lover baking queen who cares sooooo much about us while being this powerfull amazing slaying wig stealer women that will forever be my idol. I will love you forever and always. -Juliette xox

[askyourmotherfirst]

[Mental] Healthiness

2018 fucked me up. The first quarter was okay but then I got laid off from my job in March unexpectedly. It wasnt sooooo awful because i was already looking for another job but it was still pretty traumatizing. Luckily I was able to get another job literally two days later but let me tell you, in those two days, I got about 4 hours of sleep total and then I barely ate. It was nerve wracking. After that, at my new job, I had to stop wearing make up and wearing perfume because I didnt want to get harassed by all the workers. From March until May, I was temping there and then in May, I accepted a permanent position with them for basically double what I was making at my last job and then I also became an HR Manager which was my 10 year career goal. I achieved it in 2. From May til September it was kind of a blur. Zed and I were able to go on vacation to California and Maui which were so fun. In the meantime though I had to work like twice as hard and I had to be super stressed all the time. Which meant i stopped taking care of myself. When I got home, i would literally just lay in bed on my phone and do nothing all day. That really fucked me up. I stopped taking care of myself, i stopped making myself look good, I stopped trying basically because I was so tired doing everything else. I didnt gain weight, but I definitely lost muscle and gained body fat. In June I also almost lost my dad, on fathers day of all days. That was incredibly traumatizing and I was so worried about him. For two weeks he was in the ICU and at one point his blood pressure dropped to 50/30 cuz he puked out like 2/5 of his own blood. He almost died that day. But he didnt. In the last few months I was not taking care of myself and trying to take care of him. At the same time, Zedrick and I almost broke up. He was going on so many trainings he was gone basically all year and except the summer and up until November. We were growing apart. Worst of all, I found out he liked someone else too. He didnt cheat on me, but basically he told her he liked her but he tried to tell her that in the hopes that his feelings would go away when she rejected him, or so he says. That was probably the worst day of my year when I read that. I cried for two days and I didnt eat anything for a week. I almost left him, even if he didnt do anything. Im so scarred from my exes I didnt even want to start going through that with Zedrick. We started going through therapy shortly after that and while I dont think the therapy itself is helping us, hes getting way better at being present in our relationship and actively trying to be nice to me. Hes planned a lot of the activities we did in the latter half of the year. I love him so much and I cant bare the idea of divorcing him but i still totally would if he cheated on me. I told him I would give him one more chance and if he fucked that up I would go. After ALL of that, my work got super crazy and I started working like 12 hour days for 6 weeks. It was intense but its over now. In that time, i forgot to eat and I was so stressed out, I got an ulcer and lost 10 lbs. This last month, we went to Vegas which was cool but also so needed. My December has been much better but 2018 sucked ass. It was awful and definitely the worst year of my life.

Positives from this year:

-career goal achieved

-aPHR certification achieved

-took our first official vacations as a married couple to Cali, Maui, and Vegas.

-More purposeful get togethers with friends

-My eyes were opened for what constitutes being responsible and an adult.

-lots and lots of personal growth

In 2019, Im putting a priority on my health. Mental and physical. Im going to start working out regularly, im going to take the time to write more because that always helps my mental health, and im going to cut out carbs more. I need to start taking care of myself.

Goals for this year are to lose 50 lbs, start a business, pay off our car loan, credit card debt, and the last of Zedricks student loans, and save an extra $20,000. Its ambitious but I can do it as long as I focus. 2019 will be my turning point.

#me #personal

[arplis]

Arplis - News: How to Keep it Simple with Your Camper Van Conversion

If you have dreams of traveling and camping in a photoshoot-worthy campervan, youre not alone. Lots of people are inspired by the beautiful campervan conversions they see on social media. But do you really need your camper to look like something out of a catalogue? Or do you simply want to live and camp comfortably while traveling?

The reality of converting a van into a campervan is that everything you add has the potential to create more work and more issues when youre on the roadnot to mention the upfront time and money youll need to install every fancy feature you find on Pinterest.

When I bought my GMC Vandura and started living in it part-time, simplicity was my focus. I wanted to seriously downsize my life, so I didnt want to fill my van with too many extras.

The Key to a Successful Campervan Conversion? Keep it Simple.

The van life movement is rooted in minimalism. The VW van-dwellers of the 60s didnt have Pinterest to source ideas from. They lived and camped in their camper vans as a way to escape the confines of too many possessions. And the recent resurgence of van-love, now replete with a hashtag (#vanlife), grew in tandem with the tiny house obsession, along with the idea that less is more. People wanted to reinvent the American Dream, without expensive mortgages and working their lives away to pay the bills. They wanted to get outside more. Mobile living (including tiny homes, vans, RVs etc.) offered a simpler version of comfort, along with mobility, freedom, and low-cost living.

Kelly S. is keeping it simple with her 2002 Chevrolet Express camper van conversion.

But as this alternative lifestyle has turned into mainstream clickbait, the minimalism is sometimes overshadowed by expensive Sprinter van build-outs and elaborate rigs.

Now, dont get me wrong. I love a gorgeously curated interior. I bet you do, too. But the reality is I dont have the budget or the time for all the bells and whistles. And when Im sleeping at campgrounds, I really dont need them. If youre looking to turn your van into a camper van, you might not be interested in the fancy build-outs either.

Whether youre parking at campgrounds or boondocking, you dont have to spend tens of thousands of dollars in converting a van into a camper van.

Lets break down the things you do need in your simple camper van conversion

View this post on Instagram

Camp fire in the woods

. . . . #campfire #campfirecooking #camplife #camping #campinghacks #adventure_culture #adventureland #adventurers #outdoorliving #gooutdoors #vanlifecamping #vanlifeexplorers #vanlifeproject #welovecamping #Mountkidd #rvparklife #summeradventure #coupleswhocamp #campgoals #campvibes #weliveinavan #modernnomad #modernmillennial #lifeofadventure #twogirlsonevan #exploretheoutdoors #explorers #lesbianswhocamp #gaysinthewoods

A post shared by

Two Girls One Van

(@two_girls_one_van) on May 30, 2018 at 3:29pm PDT

5 Things to Focus on for a Simpler Campervan Conversion

I spoke to some fellow vanlifers some of them live in their vans full-time, others camp in their vans on weekends to round out my own advice on what you need for a simple van conversion.

M own camper van conversion is a 1986 GMC Vandura. Its old and creaky and slightly unreliable, but (most of the time) I love it, and its perfect for camping.

A Bed

The bed is the foundational difference between a van and a campervan. (Related: once you have a bed in your van, its officially an RV, according to AAA, and youll need their RV coverage if you ever want a tow. I discovered that on the side of the highway in Seattle.)

Ive seen vans with the backseats removed and a mattress thrown in. Ive even seen a hammock strung up inside of a van, which can be easily removed to maximize living space when youre not sleeping.

My van came with a bed that folds into itself to create a bench seat. Its similar to this one, built by @gnomad_home:

View this post on Instagram

Everyone has been asking us how our couch to bed situation works in our #van! So we decided to make this little #timelapse video for you all to see! Thanks for all the questions and compliments so far, and feel free to keep 'em coming!!

A post shared by Jayme

John

Nymeria

Delilah (@gnomad_home) on Mar 5, 2017 at 12:43pm PST

But I keep mine out like a bed all the time, and find the bed works fine for sitting and occasionally working on my laptop. If I did a camper van conversion myself, I wouldnt bother with the fold-up feature.

The vanlifers behind Two Wandering Soles built a super simple platform bed in the back of their Chevy, and they offer detailed instructions on how to make your own.

View this post on Instagram

The sleeping area! A custom cut (bigger than) king sized mattress! It fills the back of the Doka and creates a HUGE bed!

>>>

@Vanlifeing_com >>> #ThisisVanlifeing Captured by@vwdoka

A post shared by Vanlife Calendar 2020

(@camper.lifestyle) on Jun 21, 2018 at 12:11pm PDT

When it comes to bedding, Im a big fan of an excessive number of pillows. And Im kind of in love with my Pendleton wool blanket. But now that the weather is warming up, its much too hot. I love the concept of the Rumpl blanket its made out of sleeping bag material which stays nice and cool, but also keeps you warm. Plus, my dogs hair wont stick to it, like it does with the wool blanket. I dont have one yet, but its on my list for summertime van camping.

Power + Light

Theres something special about being in the van at night. I drove miles up into the coastal mountains of Oregon to reach Horse Creek Campground on my first van camping trip. The dark tunnel of dirt road was eery, as I drove further and further away from civilization. But then I reached the nearly empty campground, turned on my collection of Christmas lights, strung around the vans ceiling, turned off the headlights, and felt right at home.

The thing is, if you want to do anything in your van at night, youre going to need light. Ive amassed more and more Christmas lights, which I plug in to The Lycan Powerbox from Renogy. If I want to read, I also turn on a little lantern I have hanging over the bed.

My lights, computer, and fan can all run at once from The Lycan Powerbox. So I have power for camping or working in a Starbucks parking lot (as Im doing, here).

I have a foldable lantern in the storage compartment over the drivers seat in my camper van conversion, so I can see to find my clothes. And a few smaller lights scattered around the van, so theres always one in arms reach when I climb in and need to see before I accidentally step in my dogs water bowl.

The UCO Gear Sitka Lantern is another appealing option. The extendable arm can give you light from above, which is especially handy when cooking or reading.

Im also a big fan of battery operated twinkle lights. Theyre not great for reading, but they give my van a cozy vibe for nighttime relaxation.

My dog, Jackson, likes the twinkle light vibe. He does not like it when I shine my headlamp in his face to take a photo.

Because you can never have enough options when it comes to your ability to see in the dark, I also keep a headlamp on hand. Ledlenser Headlampsare so much brighter than most headlamps Ive tried. Stick one behind your gallon of water for a makeshift lantern when its not on your head.

Fellow van camper Kelly S. also keeps it simple when it comes to lights:I didnt want to mess around with wiring a van, storing an extra battery, figuring out how to charge an extra battery, etc, so I have hooks on the ceiling for battery powered LED lanterns. This way, theyre portable too, and you can use them outside of the van!

Econoline-dweller Rachel loves her LED lights for keeping things simple, too: For lights I have an LED strip that plugs into USB and I just use those little backup phone batteries and switch them out and charge them through my lighter while Im driving.

Shelly S. is hooked on LUMINAID. I get the Cairn subscription box, which is how I received the initial run of this awesome little lantern and have been stuck to it ever since.

Water

View this post on Instagram

We recently upgraded our water tanks. We bought 3 taller tanks that fit in the same space as our 2 old tanks. We now have ~ 15 gallons of water which can last 1-2 weeks depending where we are and what we're doing. Great decision. #garageviews

A post shared by Megan Cable (@meganmcable) on Jun 7, 2018 at 2:49pm PDT

Rule number #1 with any type of camping: Bring more water than you think youll need. This isnt hard when youre van camping theres plenty of room! But you have a bunch of options when it comes to water storage.

Kelly S. shares how she sourced her best van ideas from traditional tent camping, including water.

For water I have a 7-gallon aquatainer. If you need drinking water? Theres a spout right there! Coupled with a tub on the floor underneath the split, you have a sink to wash your hands, too! Having it bungee corded in place for transport works great, and then if you want to spread out somewhere you stop, you can take it out!

Related Reading:

This Family is Building a Modern Camper Out of Free Materials Found on Craigslist

When it comes to water storage, you really cant beat the classic big blue jug. The Reliance Aqua-Tainer 7 Gallon holds plenty of water for a summer weekend of water drinking, dish washing, and the occasional foot rinse after a barefoot stroll around the campground. Just make sure you have a way to secure it to the floor when youre bouncing down dirt roads.

As for showers, if your van is strictly for camping, then you can usually rely on campground bathrooms for bathing or simply embrace the dirt while youre out there.

If you want to get a little crafty, you can add a makeshift outdoor shower to the roof of your van with ABS piping and a hose.

View this post on Instagram

One afternoon last spring, we wandered into a Home Depot and stared up at the black ABS piping in the plumbing section. Keith figured there had to be some way to make a shower outta that stuff. Wed mount it to our @yakimaracks roof rack, the sun would warm it up, and gravity would send it down. And thats exactly what it does. Simple. Just like everything else we have goin on in this home of ours. We dont have a fridge, we have a cooler. We dont have LED lighting, we have an old string of Christmas lights. We dont have air conditioning, we have wet rags and a tiny tower fan we got for 9 bucks. We dont have a toilet, we havethe groundand Starbucks.. What Im saying is, you can install plumbing in your van if you want toyou can spend months on end googling every tutorial on earth if you want toyou can pay big money to build out the most well-equipped vehicle around if you want to We simply hope to serve as a reminder that you dont necessarily *have* to.

A post shared by Brianna Madia (@briannamadia) on Apr 3, 2018 at 7:50am PDT

Since I sometimes spend several weeks in my van, I wanted to have a place to wash my face and brush my teeth. I relied on disposable face wipes and gym bathrooms for the first few months. But then my friends at Wood Intimations built a gorgeous sink that is super simple and looks great and its been a game changer.

The pump faucet draws water from a 4 gallon jug beneath the sink, and gray water drains down into a hole in the van floor, so I dont have to empty anything.

It also provides some much needed counter space, and a little shelf for storing those tiny things that always get lost in the van, like the remote to my twinkle lights and my chapstick!

Organization

View this post on Instagram

TO ALL WEEKEND WARRIORS

. . #doit #doitagain #comfortzone . . #ontheroad #optoutside #wanderlust #nature #vwcalifornia #vankit #freedom #solitude #stayandwander #wilderness #rygg #vegan #croatia #roadtrip #issiontour #vanpuppy #explore #adventure #vaninterior #handmade #bagdesign #travel

A post shared by VANTALE (@van.tale) on Jun 8, 2018 at 8:31am PDT

Organization is so important for your sanity when living or camping in a camper van conversion. Even if youre a minimalist guru who wears one outfit and lives off protein bars, youre going to manage to collect more stuff than you think.

And if your lighting isnt great, its going to be even more difficult to find that stuff.

Staying organized will make you feel like you have a handle on the whole #vanlife thing. Organization can be as simple as a few plastic bins that can slide under your bed. Just make sure you know exactly what youre storing in each of them. (Clear storage containers are ideal so you can see whats in there when you inevitably forget.)

Shelly S. camps in her 4Runner. Its not a van, but the same concepts apply, she tells me. Organization is important for her, too. Mountainsmith has some nice storage cubes soft sided and stuffable. That being said, you can do about the same with those free cloth shopping totes, stored in either a cardboard box or a plastic bin.

View this post on Instagram

#HELP All right Vanlifers or Van designers or Anyone reallyI need your help! I have this space. All this space. Crazy right when you live in a van, usually it's the complete opposite. So.what the heck do I do with it!? I'd prefer not to put any more storage or I'll just fill it with crap (most of this stuff in the back is not mine). I don't need a pull-out kitchen or a place to store bikes, adventure gear. So other than turning it into a bedroom and renting it I'm at a miss.. Any suggestions???

A post shared by Sian Knox (@exmouth_vanlife) on Dec 22, 2017 at 9:07pm PST

Leah W. recommends as few belongings as possible for staying organized. My biggest recommendation is really paring things down to what you NEED. I had one set of basic utensils, one pot, plate, and bowl, a one burner stove, etc. A small toiletry bag, one duffel bag of summer clothing, one duffel bag of winter clothing. She agrees with Shelly about using bags for organization. While most people are fans of creating boxes for organization, we found that sturdy-ish bags worked best.

I went to the Container Store and bought a couple of soft containers with attached lids. Because the structure of the containers is fabric, theyre easy to stick into places where they barely fit, like the storage area above the driver and passenger seats of my GMC Vandura.

Hooks have also been a sanity saver for me in my sometimes not so organized camper van conversion. I keep a jacket and a couple of shirts that I dont want to be all wrinkly, hanging on a hook by the door. I always know where they are, and I can reach extra layers if I get cold at night. I also have a hook for my headlamp, because that is something that always gets lost.

When it comes to food storage, youll need to think about uninvited house visitors.

Store your food in closed containers or bins, advises Leah W. We started our trip with our food in an open crate, and quickly had mouse friends also enjoying our snacks.

Related Articles:

Truck Bed Tents

Off Road Campers

The post How to Keep it Simple with Your Camper Van Conversion appeared first on The Dyrt Magazine.

(function(){if(window.instgrm)window.instgrm.Embeds.process()})() Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/how-to-keep-it-simple-with-your-camper-van-conversion

[itsokaytonottobeokay]

I know nobody cares but I'm going to vent anyways.

It all started summer of 2018, everything started to fall on top of me like a big giant weight.It was the time to go to Warped Tour,but getting my car ready for it to travel 2 hours away was a big hassle.Note: I've been living with my parents to help them financially,they also didn't want me to leave home.I didn't want to leave them my 12 cats as well so I stayed.Back on track my mother and I, had been fighting on weather my car was going to make it or not.Not only that, she didnt want me to leave because my father had been sick,and my aunt was in the hospital. But I had been planning to go to warped tour forever,I already pay for the tickets.So when I left warped tour only because I had cared about my friends well being,not only that I felt as if I should have gone home.But when I got back I found out what my aunt was diagnosed with,the reason why they do not tell me until I got back,was because it was cancer.Therefore she didnt have much time to live,so as I waited everyday I started painting my room(https://youtu.be/gZmTxMSS22oen) then I reranged it.But then my father was having complications,so the next morning we took him to the doctors.That's when we found out he was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer.It was a devastated moment,as we went back to the house to grab his clothes,my father was on his way to a farther hospital.I decided to stay home I had a feeling in my gut that I needed to be home,and that's when I got a call.So my aunt picked me up then took me to go so my aunt,she was not doing so good.Right when the visit was over I had gotten a voice message from my friend,and it was just a fucking disaster.I rather just leave it at that who knows she can be stalking me right now,and will start drama again.But she didnt understand what it had been like going through all that shit nor did she respect it,I'll leave it at that.My mother was let go from work to take care of my father, I was working to pay for the bills in this time.As time went by one day my dad was in so much pain he couldnt stand it.Hospice called the ambulance,got him in there and left as my boyfriend and I followed behind them.When we got there,my mother had told me that he had lost his sight on the way there.It was 12:10 am, I'm telling my boyfriend that I can't work tomorrow so I need you to go in for me.So he left we all had been crying waiting for father to pass on,but he kept holding until 1:18 came around.He finally took his last breath,so we got up(my mother and I) kissed him goodbye,and we drove home.My Aunt passed away in August and my Father passed away in September.

I had a week leave off from work,I had people around me telling me I should have been paid for my leave.I went back to work I was still emotionally unstable,and my boyfriend kept hurting me emotionally. He thought I was taking everything out on him,but honestly he kept on telling me I had no reason to be upset.I had no reason to cry,and my friendship was coming to an end with the one I went to Warped Tour with.It made me more sadder to end it but she wanted me to be there for her when I could not,I had ALOT going on.So this kept going on for almost about a month but during that month,We Came As Romans put out they're doing shows to help raise money for Kyle Pavone's family. I donated with what I could supply,and I bought tickets.However my back was damaged from work, it was so bad I had to wear a whole back of lidocane patches,and we left to go to the concert(me,my mom,and her friend).We made it to our hotel.Then we had dinner at IHOP afterwards the time came to go.We stayed there donated more money,and bought more merch, said our condolences then left.

On our way home.

My mom got a puppy when I told her I didn't want it, because I knew I would have to raise it and take care of it.I took her puppy to work with me because I worked at a animal sanctuary,they said I could bring her there,and that they had room.

Weeks later? Can't remember clearly

My new coworker that was there for I think a month got fired,but was told she can stay until she finds a new job.I had pulled a muscle during my day's off which were Sunday and Monday,the worker just up and left.She left because she was not getting enough hours anyways,she found no point in staying there any longer.I know when she left I couldn't stay there any longer either, because they would want me to stay late.But I had pulled that muscle,not to mention the next day would be vet day where someone would have to stay late.So I freaked out,took everything I had there,hopped in my car.My boyfriend parked behind me, and my boss was coming as I quickly got out of there I hit the dumpster with my car.

Week later

It was Friday, that was the time we got our pay checks I sent my boss a message saying I was coming at 10:00 am to pick it up.So I showed up at 10:00 me,and my boyfriend got into a fight again so I broke up with him.I got back in my car I tried to call her my phone said she was blocked, I forgotten that I had blocked her.I take it off block to call her again,she picks up to say to pick it up at 5:00pm.So I drive home ,then my car starts acting up I drove it home as slow as possible.

I forgot to mention a week before I quit I had my dad memorial at my house,it was a fucking disaster thats all I would like to say about it.But we got Dad's death benefits check for $30,000.

So i picked up my check it said 9 hours on there when I had 17 I didn't bother though,and I cashed it.That day was so bad I drank,and got drunk.Everybody was just upsetting me when my father was sick, friends were redoing our kitchen ceiling,and well it got shitty.Me,and my boyfriend got into a fight so cried to my mom,and her friends, then one of her friends just talked about herself so I told her to shut the fuck up and stop being selfish.But it had been a rough experience until now (where we are right now in the story).So time goes by I'm without a car and a job my distant relative married to my cousin I add,but he's been coming over to "hang out" recently.It gave me a shitty vibe so one morning I hear my mom moaning,and I find out she's fucking my cousin's husband.She tried to come in to talk to me,I pretended I was sleeping until she tried to walk over to my bed to put her hands on me to wake me.I told her "Get the fuck out you're absolutely disgusting how can you do this when dad had only been gone for two months".

The paragraph after this, if you're triggered by self harm PLEASE DO NOT READ IT SKIP It, I DO NOT wish that for anybody.

The whole day I cried,and cried again,and again.I relapsed so hard,I cut myself over and over again.I had been clean from self harm for 7 years but this put me off the deep end.I also put my phone on airplane mode,i just could not handle social media at that moment.But I had been keeping tabs on my exboyfriend for days,through my friends because I was worried about him getting in the habit of drinking,and driving after we broke up.But that night when my mother started to cry over my dad being gone with her friend,as they were getting drunk.I realized that I always lived lying to myself,using my mom as an excuse to live.So I called my exboyfriend up said"I was sorry" and hung up, he contacted my friends to see If I was okay. Then he contacted my mother he didn't know he did wrong but after he did that,she came in my room got on top of me, held me down then was shaking me while saying "what's wrong, why don't you tell me anything" I told her.She said that if my ex boyfriend comes over she will make sure he does not come in,I screamed at her and said "he's done more for me then you ever will".Of course he came over we made up, he made sure I was okay, I had a lot of head pain for he gave me a full oxy.The biggest mistake is I didnt eat that day so the next day I had therapy,but I was puking, I felt like absolute complete shit.I just wanted to see my therapist that day,my mother gave me the excuse that just meant she didn't want to take me because she was a hung over piece of shit.So I end it up not going.

So over time everything got worse she left her dog at the house for me to take care of,while she went off every night to fuck my dad's friend.But of course I didn't find out until she started moving out,she left me the house but would not put it in my name no matter how much I begged.Before all this we were looking for a trailer to put in to replace this old falling down trash trailer, well that didn't happen.She kept buying things for her new boyfriend and new daughter as she did that she either spent the $30,000 herself, or someone got a hold of our information.She left me with all the bills overdue,she over drafted my bank account $200,and she spent my $3,000 I saved for a new car.My boyfriend started to live with me to help pay for things,I started cleaning the place up to look decent.Its been almost two months since my cars been broken down,ive begged her to fix I so I can get a job to pay for all this shit she left me.So because my boyfriend and I cannot afford it were moving out,to me its been real fucking awful.I've been so depressed I'm drowning in it,so has my boyfriend however I've been a shitty girlfriend. But he hasn't been that great either yet his family is the reason why I can get a apartment,and bring all my 12 cats with me.I'm grateful like beyond but leaving a place ive been living my whole life is tough, especially when my dad and I had been working to fix it.My boyfriend and his fmaily have been trying so hard to help me, I just feel uncomfortable accepting food because they've done so much for me as is.I told my boyfriend we should have stayed broken up so he didnt he have to deal with my bullshit,because I didnt want him to be stressed.But I fucked up by saying that but when I tried last night to confine in him about a post my mom made,he said he didnt care and to block her.He does not understand I cannot yet, I also dont want drama I have enough already on my plate.I told him he hurt me by saying he did not care about my feelings,and that all I wanted ever was someone to give a shit about me.Man its so tough,I won't be getting my taxes back either because of my college loan.I trusted her by giving her the money to pay it,I guess I was wrong. She says she paid it so she contacted the people who did my taxes.So I don't think my car will be getting fixed and my fucking cat is meowing so much because he's horny and just wants to fuck some bitches.But theres not bitches for him to fuck.That's another thing though cat food my boyfriend won't buy it so I have to sell stuff just to buy cat food.I'm not excited about moving out because it will be super sad for me because of memories you know? It just hard.My boyfriend hasn't talked to me sense last night because I said something shitty things but his thing is he avoids shit.I've thought about taking a fucking hike right before he comes home(if he does) just so I don't have to see him.I truly need a break man I'm trying so hard not to be suicidal,I just want to be happy,to have a better life,and to escape all this shit.I know I've been truly selfish against my boyfriend,not thinking about him feelings.But he doesn't know how to apologize and he hurt me when I'm already hurt.He keeps fucking up to in the kind of ways I need him as emotional support not as physical or financially. But I feel like I'm asking for to much.My friends have been distant as well i only ask them to hang out with me or to play game with me,but i cant get that even though they say "im sorry i dont know how to be there for you if there is something i can do please let me know".Well its simple be a friend thats all.Thank you for reading this I hope you're okay too,I hope I did not trigger you,I'm sorry this time around I cant say I hope you have a nice day just because I feel like complete shit.I have no motivation or will in me to be there for people that's why I just make YouTube videos.I try to use it to escape,have fun,and be okay if they can do the same for you I'm happy I can help somebody.

My YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTtIzAObiIH040IJf46te9w

Again Thanks for reading.

#me #struggle #life #story #vent #cancer #dad #aunt #mom #hard #shitty #depression #therapy #financial #financially hard #crying #boyfriend #read #long reads #i need a break #youtube #escape #broken #breaking #self harm #triggering #tiggers #ptsd #shitty mother #kyle pavone

[wizard-in-olympus]

1 - 102 and if you answer them all i'll do the same.. thats the deal

its a deal then

this is gonna be long

                                                         1. Think of the last person who said I love     you, do you think they meant it?                                    

it was mydad so, yeah                           

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age     you are now?

        im 18, so obviously i would

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated     and happy at the same time?

when i left college, 5 months ago. i’ll be back next semester

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i’ve done it, what’s the big deal?

5. Is there someone mad because you’re     dating/talking to the person you are?

i dont think she knows and i dont think she’d even care

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of     someone today? 

yeah andit was awful

 7. What exactly are you wearing right     now?

i’ve heard that line right there too many times, you sound like a 15 yearold trying to get nudes. anyways, im wearing blue pjs

8. How often do you listen to music?

on long rides, while studying, while doing chores, while reading, whilewasting my time on social media. so, most of the time i guess

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? 

jeans

10. Do you think your life will change     dramatically before 2015?                   

ok its 2017 already but im gonna change it to “...change dramaticallybefore 2018?″. not so much, it has changed a lot in a year already

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

social

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name     begins with the letter ‘A’?

yes, my guy best friend, we were both drunk, shit happens. it kind ofbrought us together as friends hahaha

13. What about ‘R’?

no

14. Can you drive a stick shift? 

thats the only type of vehicle i drive

15. Do you care if people talk badly about     you?

i’d like to say no but yeah, i do. it depends on what people tho

16. Are you going out of town soon?

probably tomorrow. i go “out of town” a lot

17. When was the last time you cried?

i dont remember. about two months ago i think

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah.huge mistake

19. If you could change your eye color, would     you?

maybe i’d change my eyes from hazel to a deeper green

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely     everything for?

i thinkso

21. Name something you dislike about the day     you’re having.

i haven’t finished the essay i was gonna present today, now i’ll have topresent it tomorrow                                                      

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your     forehead?

i loveit, yesss

23. Are you dating the last person you talked     to?

no

24. What are you sitting on right now?

my couch

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family)     tell you they love you?

my bestfriend

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t     have?

i do

27. Who was the last person you talked to     before you went to bed last night?

mybrother

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

no, i get colds once a year, twice a year tops

  29. Where is the shirt you are wearing     from?

idk, idc

 30. Does anyone hate     you?

i thinkso. im sorry

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles     hidden somewhere in your room?

no, im asocial drinker

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

hate them

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

hell no

34. If you had to delete one year of your life     completely, which would it be?

either 2014 or 2015. big parts of 2016 too... maybe a little bit of thisone but its been the best year i’ve ever lived since 2013.

35. Did you have a dream last night?

yeah, the seniors in my old high school were 10x better than last yearseniors -when i was a senior- and teachers loved them (teachers hated mygeneration) and they all graduated from IB and had their diplomas linned up inthe hall (i didnt graduated from IB or get the diploma and everyone hated me bci was the only student in my generation that failed and so no one could say“gen16 was a 100% IB generation! the first one in this high school!” bc of me)

36. When was the last time you told someone     you loved them?

a coupleof weeks ago

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

i hopenot

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

a couple of people, tiny andd small feelings but i now they do

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you     right now?

maybe wondering what happened to me, yeah. but probably no one is

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

yes, areally good one

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a     relationship?

not a serious one but yeah

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out     with a girl?

yeah, lots of girls. but im a girl and i like boys so who cares if ihang out with a girl

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to     ever lose you?

yes and lots of times and they did lose me. i just couldn’t handle themany longer, my patience couldn’t take it anymore, it had been YEARS of dealingwith the same shit and enough was enough. but i couldn’t break theirheart so i just told them i had changed and left. that probably makes me anasshole but idc

44. What’s the best part about school?

meeting new people all the time, learning new amazing things and gettingto test them and the late night bar celebrations when we nailed a test

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

of course, why wouldn’t i?

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in     school?

i used to do that in 7th grade, not anymore

47. Do you replay things that have happened in     your head?

yes i wish i could change so many things, so many situations in which idid the wrong thing

48. Were you single over the last summer?

oh yeah and i had never been so happy of being single

49. Is your life anything like it was two     years ago?

just a little bit but it has changed A LOT and im grateful for it

50. What are you supposed to be doing right     now?

finishingmy essay...

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a     conversation with?

im hating him rn but most of the time i love that guy. stupid guys

52. Are you nice to everyone?

most people. im not nice to one single person but im nice to the rest ofthe human population. fuck that bitch tho

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t     expect to?

i’ve only liked people i didn’t expect to. except one guy probably.

54. Do you think you can last in a     relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

i’ve never cheated, i think i can last a lifetime without cheating.cheating is a horrible thing to do, i don’t wish it on anybody

 55. Are you good at hiding your     feelings?

i used to be very good, lately i suck at it but idc anymore, its ok

56. Do you think you like someone?

kind of

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts     with a ‘J’?

yes and i would do it again

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or     boys?

girls are sketchy, boys are chill. i get along better with guys but theyare also clueless idiots so... some guys

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you     cry?

yes

60. Do you hate anyone?

no

61. How’s your heart?

confused but healthy and happy like it hasn’t been in years

62. Is there something that happened in your past     that you hate talking about?

plenty ofthings

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

no and i dont plan on ever doing it

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap     about you right now?

the same boring bitches that always have, “”friends”“ and also their stupidparents that care too much about what i do with my life. fuck off

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

no

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

i really hope not, not again

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry;     correct?

no, i hate sensitive, dramatic people. if he cries for a good reasonthen ok but i wouldn’t love it, i’d be sad for him too

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in     public?

no

69. Who was the last person you were on the     phone with?

my bestfriend from Peru

70. How do you look right now?

ok, butmessy

71. Do you have someone you can be your     complete self around?

plenty of people (family and friends), im an open book                 

72. Can you commit to one person?

yes, but it looks like however made this questions cant

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex     you can tell everything to?

thought i did, turns out i dont

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yes, a couple of times. always by friends tho

75. Did you wake up cranky?

not today, i had an amazing night of sleep

76. Are you a jealous person?

no

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

yes yes yes, SO WORTH IT. you just have to find the right person

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

not rn

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

more like craving to see him. fuck my life

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

turn in this stupid essay i’ve mentioned twice already

81. Last person you cried in front of?

bestfriend

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

yeah

83. Do you think the person you have feelings     for is protective of you?

a littlebit

84. If the person you wish to be with were     with you, what would you be doing right now?

probably taking a walk and talking and staring at his beautiful smile

85. Are you over your past?

most of it. the latest “past” is still haunting me but im getting overit slowly

86. Have you ever liked one of your best     friends of the opposite sex?

not morethan physical attraction

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING     to?

three tofour people

88. If your first true love knocked on your     door with apology and presents, would you accept?

if i had one i could answer this. i think i kind of did and i wouldn’taccept it

89. So, the last person you kissed just     happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

what do you want??, what is the matter with you??, what on earth are youdoing here?? FUCK OFF.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your     friends hated?

yes                                                 

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

no

92. Is there anyone you know with the name     Michael?

yeah

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

i live in Costa Rica, im latina. guys here have names like “Jose, JuanPablo, Andres, Gerardo, Alonso”, not “Matthew, James”. so of course i haven’t

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

no and i lived the single life at its finest

95. Were you happy with the person you liked     in March?

no

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you     texted attractive?

he’s a fucking model for fuck’s sakes, he’s a GOD. he’s so hot. why am ifriends with him?? itcomplicates everything

97. Who do you have texts from?

my best friends, my guy friends, my family group chat, my girl friendsgroup chats, my crush

98. If the person you like says they like     someone else, what would you say?

thats great, and do you think she likes you? hey good luck! *pretends idont have feelings and keeps on being a good friends*

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than     you?

the first person i ever kissed was a year older than me

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

ok in my tumblr icon im with my best friend, in my whatsapp, twitter andfacebook profile pictures im alone

101. Ever kissed under     fireworks?

no

  102. Has anybody ever given you     butterflies?

no

done!  that took me like an hour damn... sorry to the people who’s dashboard i interrupted with this post

[unrrrreliable]

alcoholic dad pt. 2

after a good 15 minutes of that bullshit, my dad sat on the bed with red crying eyes and started saying, in other words, that my  mom was “abusing him” etc. side note he has a huge victim complex and never blames himself for anything. my brother tapped his shoulder in order to comfort him and i just stood there, hoping that that would just end and we could carry our day like normal people. we then went to the kitchen (while my dad was still drunk). we started to talk, actually no, there was a really akward 5 minute long silence. basically we started talking and my dad said that he thought that my mom was borderline. now that i remembered it: they had an argument before my dad drank: my mom said that whenever she looked at him and he was drunk, she wanted him to die, because she only remembers her father, which was one of the biggest causes of her codependency and a lot of problems she carried for her whole life. she also remembers the traumatic experiences she had to face every single day when her dad would come home drunk. thats why he drank. anyways after the whole chit chat shit he went to sleep (at 7pm) and of course, as always, the next day he forgot everything. a week later, my mom told us that my dad is an alcoholic. that sounded really wierd to us. she said that my dad would drink a lot. like a lot. but we didnt notice, and she never argued with him, so he would get aggressive. also he would drink a lot when we lived here from 2010 to 2013, that was one of the reasons my mom got depression.

this made me realise why we kept moving in our childhood. i feel bad when i remember this but i used to think it was my moms fault, because she used to tell me that we moved back because she wasnt feeling like living in brazil/switzerland anymore. and i thought thaz was kinda selfish. but no, she did the best thing she could have. thanks to her, we didnt grow up with an alcoholic father. she always managed to hide it from us. i will never be able to show her how  much i appreciate that. of course, moving every 3 years has its consequences but it was worth it. i just have to thank my mom for all of it.

so yeah this is one of the things i found out this summer.

also, in 2018 my brother and dad went to germany to my brother’s godfather’s.  lets call him T. she sent the two of them so that they could have some father-son bonding. thats fine, ok, but long story short, there they another of T’s godchildren. it was a guy same age as my brother. when they came back, my dad talked about him to my mom as “very mature (unlike my brother), tall and could cook israeli food”. two years later my mom told that to me. this made me really sad for 2 days. of course my mom was also really offended, because he said in other words that she hadnt raised him well enough for him to be mature. what really dissappointed me and made me angry was the “tall” thing. because  what he meant was to compare how tall that guy was and how short my brother is (170cm at the time), especially because that was really affecting my brothers’s self-esteem. he would only leave the house with 3cm shoe lifts. either way, the fact that my dad was judging something that my brother had absolutely no control of and something that is completely irrelevant was what triggered me. to this day im still dissapointed because i know he judges us for things we simply cannot change or manipulate. i know that my mom did overshare, but i feel like its a good thing that i know that. but of course im never telling that to my brother, it would tear him apart. so yeah, this summer is going like shit, also because of the fact that i’ve literally became bald in 2 months... but thats another story

[parentingguide8-blog]

50 Concerned Parents On The Creepiest Words Their Demon Child Has Ever Spoken

New Post has been published on https://parentinguideto.com/must-see/50-concerned-parents-on-the-creepiest-words-their-demon-child-has-ever-spoken/

50 Concerned Parents On The Creepiest Words Their Demon Child Has Ever Spoken

http://bit.ly/2qXWIkW

Cataloged in Creepy

50 Concerned Parents On The Creepiest Words Their Demon Child Has Ever Spoken

January Nelson Updated November 24, 2018

0

These horrifying stories from Ask Reddit will make you second guess whether you want to have kids.

1. When my oldest son was about three, he said one night at bed time, “Mommy I like you better than my fake mommy.”

Me: “Who’s your fake mommy?”

Him: “You can’t see her. She tucks me in after you do.”

2. My niece was about 4 when I heard her laughing in my room. I walked in and asked her what she was doing and she said, “Chucky says if you stick your fingers in your eyes they come out of your mouth.” Then she told me Chucky lived underground. Still gives me chills.

3. Picked him up from daycare when he was 3. Driving home, totally quiet, him just staring out the window…

He randomly asks, “Hey dad, ‘member that time we died in a fire?”

4. My 3 year old daughter was going through the monsters under her bed phase. Lasted for weeks, and it was really wearing on her mom and me.

One night after mom tried to put her to bed, she tagged me in. After 30 minutes, I grew pretty frustrated. In a last ditch attempt, I promised my daughter that there weren’t any monster under her bed. She replied, “I know. Now they’re behind you.”

After that, I let her sleep with us for a week.

5. I heard the one-year-old’s high chair move even though nobody was near it. I asked the three-year-old, “What was that?” and he said, while pointing to the chair, “What is SHE doing here!?”

6. He started refusing to go downstairs (age around 3-3.5), terrified, saying there was an evil ‘angel man’ down there that wanted to hurt the whole family. Consistently drew the same picture of said angel man too.

7. This was terrifying. When I was a teenager I was babysitting for a family with three young children. The boy was about 8 and the girls were in kindergarten. Their parents had driven an hour away to see a play, but still planned to be home early in the night. However, I got a call that they had been in a minor car accident and would be home a couple hours later than planned. They asked several times how/if the boy was sleeping, which should have been a red flag, but I simply said that all the children were sleeping and left it there. About an hour goes by, and it’s definitely nighttime now. I’m sitting on a sofa downstairs and looking through some old magazines to pass the time. Suddenly I hear shuffling on the staircase. The boy was clearly sleepwalking, but his eyes were open and rolled back. He started running his hands along the wall and grabbing family pictures while screaming “they all must go, they all must go” before throwing the pictures down the stairs. Once I overcame a moment of sheer panic, I rushed up the stairs and tried to grab him. Once I’m about half a foot away from him he starts screaming, “If you touch me you die, if you touch me you die,” followed by manic laughter. By this point the sound of crashing glass and screaming has woken up the girls, and I can hear them crying. Totally freaked out, but still focused on keeping the kid from falling down the stairs, I grab the boy by the back of his pajamas and lead him back up the rest of the stairs and towards his room. When we get to his doorway he calmly walks to his bed and gets back in as if nothing has happened. Flabbergasted, I go over to his bed and he is perfectly sound asleep. I can still hear the girls crying so I rush to their room. They are huddled together in the back corner crying. I say, “Oh no no, it’s okay your brother is okay, he’s just sleepwalking, he’s fine!” One of the little girls looks at me and says, “We know he can’t help it, Simon makes him do it.” That was the last straw for me. I didn’t ask anymore questions, brought the girls downstairs with me, gave them milk and cookies, turned on the radio and turned every single light on. Parents walk in, and know immediately what happened. Never babysat for that family again.

8. My oldest kept talking in his bed past bed time. When we asked him who he was talking to he said he was talking to the floating white lady. I don’t remember the description he gave us, but what I DO remember is kid #3 doing the same fucking routine 8 years later…

9. My 3 year old grandson has babbled about plane crashes since he started talking. He would reenact (with toys) a plane chasing another plane and as the first suddenly dropped to the ground he’d yell in a heart-rending scream, “OH NO WE CRASHED!” This was his first sentence. He did this over and over.

Early this summer he’s 3 and I’m reading him a bedtime story. I pause and look up at him and he said to me, “Granny, I was a pilot, my plane was the Kitty Hawk. I crashed into the water when they shotted off my wing and shotted off my face.”

It almost stopped my heart.

He looked so troubled and sad. I told him that he had done his best and I was very proud of him and that he was only a little boy now and needed to not worry about that but if he needed to talk about it he could anytime. I just hugged him.

I researched and Kitty Hawks were used by almost every country early in WW2.

10. Not a parent, but when my little brother was 4 and I was like 18 we were playing with Hot Wheels cars. He just started singing the alphabet song, which is normal for kids to just start singing at random times, but he had a twist to it: “A, B, C, D, E, F, G… Everyone is dead…” I just looked t him for a moment and then just kept playing with cars Kids are weird, man.

11. My son (7)…

Dreamily and out of nowhere: Today is the day I’m going to die

Me: What??

Him: Oh no mom don’t worry, not today, but on this date some other year.

12. When my cousin was a kid, there was a doll at a toy shop that she longed for, for months. She was a fabric doll with a painted face, had red hair made from yarn, and a green, printed dress. She got the doll for Christmas and fairly soon after had a dream that the doll was laughing and pulling out her toenails. She was so freaked out that they had to get rid of the doll. A couple of months ago, my cousin’s 8 year old son came to her after a nightmare about a mean doll and described my cousin’s doll exactly!

13. When my daughter was little she was crying and I went to check on her. She said she couldn’t get the picture to go away. I said what picture? She pointed to an empty spot on the rug. I asked her what it was a picture of. She said it was my car on fire.

I was leaving for a long road trip a couple days later. I never drove so carefully in my life.

14. One night my husband had gone out with friends and I had settled in for some Netflix after the kids went to bed. My son got up and walked past the bathroom to where I was sitting then stopped. He had dead eyes. I asked him if he was ok, did he need the bathroom, did he have a bad dream, and although he turned his face towards me he didnt answer and his expression didn’t change. It was like he was possessed or zombified.

I led him into the bathroom and he followed easily enough but just stood by the toilet. When I told him to pull down his pants he did, but I still had to say, “Now go pee,” like he couldn’t figure it out on his own. He would follow direct orders but not answer questions, wouldn’t talk at all and had a dead expression the entire time. I was getting more and more frantic trying to get him to respond to me or show that he could hear me, I called my husband and told him he needed to come home, something wasn’t right. Sat on the side of the tub panicking and almost crying and he just stood there and watched me impassionately.

After about fifteen minutes he tilted his head, and blood started running out of his nose and down his face. No reaction out of him at all. I grabbed a handful of toilet paper, shoved it under his nose and told him to hold it – he did, blank faced, then picked my phone up to call 911. Before I was done dialing my son said “….Mom? What’s going on?”

It was so unexpected and my tensions were so high I jumped and almost screamed. Told him he was having a nosebleed, he said he didnt remember anything at all. Asleep in his bed and woke up in the bathroom with his mom crying and his nose bleeding. That was the day I realized my kid was a sleepwalker and I was a total wimp of a mom.

15. My daughter was in the backseat looking out the window and just calmly says, “Mommy look at all the people ” She was pointing at a cemetery that just has plaques no head stones so it looks like a pretty field. And she was 2 and there wasn’t a living soul around for miles. I just turned on the radio and acted like everything was fine. It wasn’t.

16. Not necessarily what the kid did, but heard him scream horribly loud on the monitor. My girl said there’s a black figure standing over his bed.

I jump up and as soon as I do the basement door flung open, my dog freaked the fuck out running, I ran upstairs, grabbed my son and we stayed at my mom’s lol.

My fiancee had an existential crises because she now believes in ghosts.

Funny enough I knew the family and dude who died in our house, so I went in the attic and found suitcases right above my son’s room, with the guy who died dead sons things were. Me and my cousin grabbed them and returned the items to the dead sons old wife.

Did an “exorcism” when all sorts of weird shit happened. We recorded it and got video of his camera and mount getting ripped off the counter. The stand held going 100 mph on the outside of a car, and wouldn’t come loose unless a tab was pulled, on top of that batteries died about 20x faster than they should have.

Although after we did that Rex (the dead owners dead son) never came back.

Turns out Rex was a dick in life. So scaring my kid wasn’t out if the question.

17. Not my kid, but I was at my friends place for a cookout. His son opened the sliding glass door, tapped on the side of his house, and said, “I’m going to burn this down.” He then casually walked inside and shut the door.

18. My cousin’s kid:

Middle of the night got dad’s hunting knife out and stabbed the leather couch over 50 times. He’s 5.

19. My one year old will point to a spot on the ceiling, say awwww, make grabby hands towards it then begin tracking whatever it is she sees and blowing kisses at it. I’m pretty sure it’s satan. Nothing good lives on the ceiling.

20. I used to say things my grandfather used to say a lot. Like yelling out in German at our dog. My grandfather died years before I was born.

21. Driving with my (then) 3 year old cousin. Out of nowhere she screamed . I asked her what was wrong and she said it was the . I don’t know who taught her that.

22. Found a picture of a lady in a fancy hat while on a walk. Six year old declared the lady was dead. She then said we should find the grave, dig up the body and wear her skin. We could use the skeleton for Halloween decorations.

23. I’m not a parent but am a nanny. This was a little over a year ago. I asked my 3 year old boy charge to do something simple… clean up a toy or throw out a napkin from lunch, some menial task like that, which he does a dozen times a day. He shook his head, and I reminded him about cleaning up after ourselves.

He said, “I can’t. The man in the floors says no.” I got a little chill and asked him what he meant. He pointed at a heating/cooling vent in the floor and said, “You can’t make me do it.”

It never came up again. So far, no man in any of the floors or vents.

24. Not a parent, but one time my brother at around age 6-7 (he’s 10 now) mentioned an old apartment we used to live in years before he was born. I asked him how he knew about it, and he said “Before I was born, Jesus showed me and said ‘This is going to be your future family.’” Our family / community isn’t religious at all.

25. Not my child but my granddaughter. 7 years old at the time grabbed my face looked me in the eyes and said… “I love you so much I want to cut your head off and put it in my back pack, so you’ll always be with me.”

After I explained to her that she couldn’t do that because I would die, she said, “Oh well that’s life.” She’s 13 now, my head is still attached to my body so I’m good so far. I’ve asked her if remembers saying that to me, she doesn’t and thought what a horrible thing to say.

26. Sleeping in bed, wife was at work, sense someone at the side of my bed. I slowly opened my eyes to see my 5 year old standing at the edge of the bed.

“Whats going on?”

“They’re coming for us”

“What?”

He proceeded to walk back to his bedroom and go to bed. We discovered that he was a sleepwalker, who also suffered from night terrors (the night we discovered that one is another horrifying night).

27. When my oldest daughter was in Kindergarten, she wrote and illustrated her first book titled “I Hope You Die in a Fire.”

28. A few month back. I had just put my 3 year son to bed a couple hours prior and I was downstairs watching TV. I hear him calling out, so I go up to see what he wants.

He tells me that there is a ghost in his room. He’s not really scared or anything only ghost that he is aware of are the ones in some of his cartoons or during Halloween.

So I just look around the room and tell him I don’t see anything and that ghost are not real.

He looks square into my eyes and say. “No Dad, Ghost went in my mouth, down my throat and is in my tummy. “

Hmm. Ok son go back to sleep now. Cause I may not.

29. I woke up one time to my 3-4 year old brother tossing lemon heads on my face. I asked him what he was doing and he admitted to trying to get them in my mouth so I could choke and die. I was like holy fuck that’s a little fucked, and told my parents but they laughed and said it was just him being a dumb but cute kid.

30. “Mommy, will you ever hurt me with a knife” I told her no. She followed up with, “Ok good. I know some moms do that.” She was 3 when this happened. She had never seen videos or anything that showed child abuse, so I’m not sure how she was aware that some parents hurt their kids. She’s also never been abused by anyone.

31. Not my kid but nephew.

He went through this phase of being absolutely terrified of going to sleep in his room (I’m sure all kids go through this eventually). I babysat a couple of times during this phase – we basically had to sit beside his bed and help him fall asleep, and he’d usually wake up shortly after you left the room and start crying.

His reason? “The big dark scary man standing in the corner with red eyes doesn’t want me to sleep.”

32. When my son was about five he started having night terrors. Eyes wide open, he would stare into an abyss of his own devise and scream with the chilling ferocity of hell itself. I would hold him and rock his rigid little body until he loosened back to sweaty deep sleep. What I never told my husband or the pediatrician, or even my mother, was that I was afraid of him during those nighttime bouts of what looked and felt like nothing less than possession. I was afraid of my own sweet child and wanted to run away.

33. When my daughter was 4-5 years old we lived in a two bedroom townhouse. It was just the two of us (mom and daughter, her dad passed away). She always crept into my bed at night but never said why. One day we were cleaning her room and putting away laundry and she got very agitated and said, “Why is he here now? He said he only comes at night.” I asked if she was talking about Dad. She said, “No the boy with no hands.”

We moved a few months later and she’s never come into my bed at night or mentioned him since.

34. My three year old: ‘I want to make everyone not alive’

….ooooookaaay little buddy

35. When my son was 3, he had an existential crisis. He had just discovered death, and every night as I was going to sleep, he would fixate on the fact that everyone is going to die. A lifelong atheist, I found myself talking to him about heaven, just hoping something would reassure him and make him worry less and maybe go to sleep for a few hours. But this nightly anxiety attack over the inevitability of death went on for months.

One night, I’ve calmed him down, he’s quiet for a long time, I think he’s finally asleep, I’m about to tiptoe out of the room, when loud and clear he says:

“MAMA WILL DIE TOMORROW.”

I knew this was just lis latest bout of worry, but he said it with such conviction I spent the whole next day holding my breath. Maybe he knew something I didn’t!

36. I was asking my 3 year old if he remembered being born then I asked him if he remembered what happened before he was born (because of reddit threads like this and the creepy answers they sometimes give). Without missing a beat or any prompting from me other than the question he goes “I was in a helicopter that go round and round and round then BOOM into the ground!”

37. My daughter was about 8 when she asked, “What’s it called when your parents die and you go live with someone else, who are the people?” I answer/asked, “Godparents?” To which she replied, “You and dad should get those.” Huh? Am I dying? Are you dying? I’m confused and terrified!

38. A few weeks ago I was getting breakfast ready for my 3 year old when he nonchalantly told me his Grandma fell down the stairs. About an hour later Grandpa calls us to tell us Grandma had fallen down the stairs.

Also last weekend my 3 year old said my sister was going to visit the next day and guess who showed up for a ‘surprise’ visit…

39. When my special needs son was 10, he had to have a very serious surgery. It was an 8 hour procedure and it was a pretty risky operation. We did not tell him these risks. Right before they wheeled him into surgery, he hugged me and said “Goodbye. Forever…” He made it through and his quality of life was dramatically improved by the surgery. Scariest 8 hours of my life though.

40. Well, this morning I was lying in bed, my almost 2 year old came up, put her face right up to mine and I though maybe she wanted a kiss. Then she said, “Mama, I want eat your eyes please.”

41. Not my parents, but a story they tell me about myself when I was young. When I was 3 we moved into a new home. We were eating dinner in our big, somewhat creepy new house when I stop and stare at the ceiling. My parents ask if everything’s okay. I shush them and reply “We have to be quite. We don’t want to wake up Marcus.”

Well we don’t know any Marcus so my parents silently freak out thinking maybe I saw a “ghost” or something. Long story short when I visited my uncles They would tell me to stay quiet cause their neighbour (Marcus) lived above them. Definitely spooked my parents good

42. Not my son, but a friend’s son said “Uncle (me) is gonna die in the water.”

Me and his dad:”WTF?? How?”

Him: “He’s gonna fall from a bridge and die in the water.”

He walks out of the room laughing. He’s 4.

43. It’s one in the morning, I’m dead asleep with my wife in the living room reading. All of the sudden the baby monitor is blaring my 16 month old son’s laughter in my ear, so I jump up, run into his room, and he’s standing in his crib pointing at the corner of the room and giggling hysterically. I just stared at him for a few seconds before I grabbed him and put him in bed with me.

44. Once when my toddler was hugging me he quietly said “I won’t eat your bones.” Oh, uh…much obliged…

45. When my daughter was around 4 yrs old, she had a habit of waking me up by getting 4 inches from my face and staring at me until I opened my eyes. Once my eyes opened, she’d say, “Mommy your face is pretty. I want to wear it on my face.”

Ok, Hannibal, let’s get some breakfast.

46. I have twin daughters. One day while playing outside, one looked up at the sky and said, “The sky is cracked… and on fire.”

My other daughter looked up and said, “Yes…. the people are screaming.”

Then they went back to playing with dolls. Fingers crossed they’re not predicting the future, everybody!

47. My three year old son said, “Next time I’m a baby, I want to have green eyes.” I asked him if he had been a different baby before being who he currently is, and he squinted his eyes, looked at me like I was an idiot, and said, “Yes, papa.”

48. Not my kid, but a neighbor. Maybe 7-8 years old.

“Hey Mr. Soomuchcoffee, whatcha doin!?”

“Bringing in groceries dude.”

“Can I come inside your house?”

“Oh, nah buddy. I’m busy, and your mom would wonder where you went, I don’t think she’d like that too much.”

“You mean I really can’t?”

“Yeah bud. Sorry. Maybe another time when you mom knows where you’re at.”

“I…I’m gonna use my gun and put a virus in your brain so that you die!”

“I uh….ya. Alrighty then. Welp, groceries bye bye now!”

49. “I want to play “Frozen” but only the part where the parents die in a shipwreck.”

50. A kid once sat near a camp fire and seemed to be lost in thoughts. I asked what he is thinking about. This 6 year old said, “I wish I was high up in space and the whole world was on fire. That would be beautiful.”

is cataloged in Creepy Kids

January Nelson

January Nelson is a writer, editor, dreamer, and occasional exotic dancer. Her work has appeared on Facebook, …

Why isn’t anyone talking about this secret facility?

The government “safe space” that is actually suspicious as heck.

Sponsored by Amazon Studios Now Streaming Homecoming

Watch to find out

Read more: http://thoughtcatalog.com/

[myxoedema-blog]

LOOKING BACK ON 2018

31/12/2018

Its the final day of 2018. Before I talk about my resolutions, goals and aspirations. I would first like to reflect on 2018. I wanna figure out what went wrong and what went right and what lessons I can learn from it. It was definitely a mixed bag of a year. Neither good nor bad overall. 

IC3:

2018 was rough. I remember starting IC3 with a strong motivation to get my shit together. I had just finished IC2, which I had survived using a mind-fucking combination of Ritalin and weed. My brain felt fried. I felt helpless without drugs. From that moment on, I resolved to stop using Ritalin and depend solely on my sober brain to study. I felt helpless and weak. My mental health was shit. I started exercising 3 times a week: Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. My body actually got really hot towards the end, but a certain obsession with how one of my shoulders is higher than the other completely ruined it for me and made the gym a source of depression. I remember going back home after the gym and crying my heart out because my body is asymmetrical and I will never look the way I want to look. I smoked weed almost every night and it was the only thing holding me together at the time. Everything was under control until I had to stop preparing for the USMLEs, and thats where things started to go downhill. I simply was nowhere NEAR ready to take on a challenge as big as the USMLE. Not with having recently stopped taking mental stimulants, not with being barely held together with weed. Still, I resolved to take that exam. I planned and I planned and I tried my best to fit in some Pathoma studying in between my IC3 work. I even passed my diagnostic. I got through the first 2 thirds of that semester just fine. 

Then I started my medical research component. It threw me off balance. The nature of the work was not straightforward and quantifiable. No, it needed a lot of background research and emails back and forth and learning a completely new statistics program. I hated it. On top of that, I had decided to stop smoking weed. I know I had a problem. I was too dependant on it. Two days without it were enough render me completely numb and devoid of motivation. My attempts to quit failed. No, they backfired. I fell behind on my research work, I stopped exercising and I stopped studying for the USMLE. At that point, I also had to start studying for my long case exam. I refused to cut back on my work load and admit that I cant do it all. I can work on my research AND study for my long case AND study for USMLE. I just didnt know how to handle the situation because my depression kept getting worse and worse and soon enough I couldn't even leave the bed. 

I barely managed to get my research assignment done. By then, I had only 1 week to prepare for my long case. I wasted 5 of those helpless and depressed in bed. I should have reached out, should have screamed for help. But I didn't. Day number 6 I agreed to meet with Malak so that we can study together. I made the stupid mistake of taking LSD before meeting her because I thought it would give me some kind of focus and energy. Im not going to go into too much details but I ended up having a BAD trip in the college library and I had to ask Malak to escort me home. I spent 12 hours of HELL on my couch that day.

After my bad trip I woke up the next day. I met with malak again in the library (this time sober). We went through as many cases as we could. The following day was the exam. I did terrible. I ended up passing with a 50%. I would not have passed if it wasnt for malak. My case was a seizure and I wouldnt have known how to take a seizure history if she hadnt explained it to me. Anyways, Thats how the semester ended, on a very depressing note.

SUMMER VACATION: 

The idea for my summer vacation was simple: Stop smoking weed, start taking anti-depressants, study for USMLE and get my jaw surgery done. What happened was: The anti-depressants fucked me up. They made my depression worse, I slept all day. I did NOTHING for an entire month (June). After June I realised Its too late for me to starts studying for the USMLEs so I decided not to take the exam. I also stopped taking the anti-depressants as I felt like they were useless. Additionally, the surgeon decided that my teeth werent ready and so I couldnt even get my surgery done. I wanted to go back to Saudi but my passport, which I had mailed to get my Irish visa renewed had somehow gotten lost and I only got it back much later then intended so I couldn’t go back. I ended up going on a 10-day trip to Ibiza, Spain with a bunch of my friends where we drank a lot, smoked a lot of weed and did a LOT of drugs. It was fun, liberating almost.

And that was it. Then SC1 started and so far I did great in my OBS/GYN rotation and not so well in my GP rotation. I still have a chance to turn things around. To take my life into a new direction. To find success and happiness. I just need to carefully analyse the past and learn from my mistakes.