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a-big-mess-of-a-person · 1 month

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Hello, my name is Big Mess of a Person, and here is some reasons I think I'm autistic.

If you have autism, please skim this? (Or read it in massive depth if you want) and please just let me know what you think. I really want more opinions.

Notes, before we get into it

- All of this is speculation. These are all things that I have noticed that some of my autistic friends do, that I also do

-While I don't have an autism diagnosis, I am diagnosed with ADHD, and it is very severe. I know they share a few traits so I have really just convinced myself it's my ADHD and nothing else. I am at a point where I want other people's opinions

- I am aware that having just a few of these traits does not mean I am autistic. I am making this post to mainly ask autistic people what they think. I want more opinions before I talk to my parents about it (my dad will not be super willing to get me tested)

- I know that if I do have autism, it is not very severe. I know it's easy to say that we would've known if it was 'bad' enough but it would not surprise me if we missed this for 16 years. My ADHD hit us straight in the face for 14 years and no one had any idea until we talked to my doctor

Alright, time to type it all out (yay.)

1. If people touch or move my things, it is very possible I will break down in one of two ways depending on how I'm feeling that day. I will either want to scream or break down and weep. Example(s)

- My grandfather came over this weekend while I went to his house. He stayed in my room. (As much as I love him, I did not want him in my room, I asked if we could offer him my sister's room (she's away at college) but he chose my room and he was helping us so I had to deal with it) He knocked over two of my Monster High dolls, and he put them back where they went, but just seeing them messed with and not how I put them made me want to cry. This combined with everything else that was going on made me have what I think was a meltdown. (You will get more context to last night as we go on)

- Despite us changing the sheets, just seeing my bed not how I have it made me also want to cry. It didn't feel like it was my bed anymore. We fixed it, but my room doesn't feel like my room. This is a stupid way to put it, but it's accurate, the vibe is off. It's not the vibe of my bedroom. So it doesn't feel like my room. I wanted to cry (spoiler alert, I did cry)

- This combines #1 and #2, #2 already had a lot of examples so im putting it here. My hands have been really dry recently and so I got this moisturizer. I forgot to bring it to my grandma's so my hands have been extremely dry and cracky which makes me want to die within itself, but that's not the point right now. Because we are redoing the bathroom, my hand moisturizer has been moved to an unknown location so I had to use one that has the wrong texture, feeling and smell.

2. I have very bad texture/smell/feeling(?) problems. The word is sensory. It's like an hour after I first wrote this. The word I was looking for is sensory. Example(s)

- I am a known sock hater and it's because they sometimes feel loose around my ankles. Anything loose around my ankles makes me want to scream and cry all at the same time. This has been true my entire life. It's why I don't wear certain shoes, or certain pants. If there is anything near my ankles it has to be an even pressure, or nothing at all

- Anything on my hands that is not meant to be there makes my blood boil. I need to wash it off as soon as possible. Even unsolicited water makes me feel like this. My hands can't be wet (or anything else) without me wanting them to be or else I lose my mind

- Anything on the bottoms of my feet (like dust, dirt, random shit on the floor) makes me feel very uncomfortable and I want to cry. An example from last night is the dust that covers my bathroom floor right now because we are redoing it. There is construction dust covering my floors (every damn room in the house) and the idea of walking into my bedroom with my feet covered in this dust made me freak out. I was nearly in tears. I was so upset that I froze. I couldn't move or speak or anything without wanting to cry even more. I had to walk back into the bathroom and get a wet cloth then walk on the sides of my feet till I could sit on the edge of my bed, then I wiped my feet off. Now, if I have to leave my bed or couch, I am putting my slippers on. There's a lot more that I'm not typing, that I think is necessary, but it would be so much more and I'm not good at typing so it probably wouldn't make sense anyway

- Right now my scalp makes me want to scream. Because of the bathroom being redone right now, we can't shower. (part of the reason I went to my grandmas house) I showered before I came home yesterday but I used the wrong shampoo and conditioner, so my hair looks like shit. I needed to go to school today so I woke up and dry shampooed it so I didn't look like a greasy mess. Normally I can deal with the texture being wrong, and the horrible smell that bubbles around me all day, and the cloudy look it gives me hair, but after everything else I could not do it today and so I started crying, which is why I am even typing this right now, because I'm not going to school today. So it was for nothing and now my hair feels bad and I still cant shower and I am probably gonna have to do it again tomorrow or use the sink to shampoo and condition my hair

3. I go into stretches where I am almost completely non verbal. If I am overwhelmed or anything I can go into stretches where I don't speak, or interact with anyone. People touching me makes me feel worse and it's hard to tell them to stop without yelling or seeming mad. It makes me feel really shitty because it's not always their fault, but I snap at them anyway. I am often very shaky during this and it's hard for me to use my arms and legs to move or hold things. I don't have any specific examples right now, but I will add them if I find some (It's really just as I typed it though)

4. This one I'm a bit unsure if this is autism, or just me being weird, but I am very good with sympathy, and I lack empathy. I can very well feel bad for someone, feel sorry for them, and i often give people the benefit of a doubt when I don't know their situation, but I don't feel bad for that long? I don't feel it with them. This doesn't mean I think they shouldn't feel that way, I understand why they do, I just don't feel that way. I think I need some examples to explain this one so, Example(s)

- Let's say someone is in a car ahead of me. They are driving slow and maybe not doing everything they should be. While my mom who's driving gets slightly annoyed and huffy, I think "what if they are a new driver? I know what it's like to be a new driver and I know I wouldn't be doing it on purpose" then I am ok being behind a slower car (this is one side of the coin)

- Lets say my friend got into an argument with her dad last night. She tells me how it makes her feel. While I am sorry that she got into an argument, and I do feel bad, it's not taking up any of my mental space. I will understand if she is off, but I don't feel any level of "feeling what she's feeling" even though I am very familiar with getting into upsetting arguments with my own dad.

- This is very similar to the last but still different so I'm giving it a category. Let's say my friend tells me about something bad that happened in their life. I don't think about it all the time. It doesn't affect me in any way. Though if I were to tell my friend about the same thing she acts like it affects her personally

This friend I am talking about is a very sympathetic and empathetic person, so maybe I just don't relate to it like she does and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me even though we are just different. I think the gist is, I don't understand that type of feeling well. Even if I have experience in the situation, I don't relate it and hold onto it. I may make the connection, but then that's it. While I feel bad for them, and understand why they may be acting different, it doesn't affect me or bother me. It takes up no space in my head. It's not that I don't care, but it just doesn't stick in my mind. I am really unsure if this is autism or not? I know having autism messes with perceiving feelings and emotions from others so I'm putting this just in case. Speaking of perceiving feelings and emotions from others, that moves us to #5!

5. This may be a normie thing that I just don't know is a normie thing but better be safe than sorry. I am hyper aware of how other people in the room feel. I know autism can include not reading the room well but I've heard that it can also be reading the room REALLY well. Example(s)

- I can walk into a room and understand how everyone is feeling. I am really good at reading body language and listening to tone of voice. If this is something that could be autism, I think it is part of the reason it has taken this long for anyone to realize I might have it. I am good at reading body language and tone of voice, so I am good at using it to portray how I feel (and to cover up how I feel). I am constantly changing how I say things and changing my hang gestures and the way I am holding myself to portray the emotions I want people to read.

I have no idea if that is autism, but I think it could be. So here, have it, I guess

6. I know a lot of people with autism fidget, and this is similar? I don't know what it's called (if it even has a name) but when an autistic person will like, express a big emotion through body language. Like, jumping when excited, or shaking hands when nervous. That thing? I don't know what it's called and I hate describing it in a way that makes it seem minimal and I feel like the description I just gave definitely makes it seem minimal. I'm not trying to do that, I just don't know what it's called. Anyway, here's what I mean? Example(s)

- I will shake my hands when I am nervous. I shake them like I'm trying to get water off of them

- I crack my knuckles under high pressure situations or when I'm nervous

- If I get really excited I will usually jump or kinda run in place?

I feel like the way I am describing this one is off somehow. I don't know how, but from my perspective I feel like I'm objectifying this? I don't know if I am. But I'm honestly not trying to do this I just don't know how else to type it. It's a sensory thing, I know that, I just don't know how to explain it? I'm gonna move on from this.

Ok, this is all of the reason I can think of right now. I'm sure there's more, and I will update this as needed. It's taken me like two hours to type all this out, so I'm done for now.

If anyone actually reads this and has feedback thank you. I appreciate it. I hope I didn't do anything that is considered bad to do. I'm not trying to. I'm not normally on this side of Tumblr. I don't even know if "this side" exists!

I'm gonna use tags to try and get people to see this, so, sorry if I use the wrong tags. I don't know what the correct ones would be. Sorry if the tags are weird. I want people to see this. I really need advice and other opinions. I'm not trying to self diagnose with the tags, I just want people to see this.

Sorry if I'm acting weird in this. I feel very bad right now. I don't feel like my normal self probably because of everything that happened last night. (I didn't cover even half of it)

Ok, done for now. I will reblog with new thoughts as they arrive.

#autism #autistic #maybe?#nerodivergent #auadhd #autistic things #potentially autistic

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foster-the-world · 7 months

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Moving along

Having a great vacation to celebrate our anniversary and both of our Birthday's. The kids are in heaven with my Mom and Aunt. I was worried about baby boy and felt guilty about leaving him. He's doing great. My Mom is so good with him. When I dropped him off at school he was still clinging to me/crying. With my Mom he walks in without looking back. I'm so glad we booked the trip despite my worries. Time with your grandparents/family/people who love you is a gift. I have such fond memories of weeks with my Grandma when my parents went on trips. My kids are lucky they will have the same memories. My Mom made a list of fun things the kids wanted to accomplish. They took baby boy to his first movie. Obviously enjoying all of the uninterrupted time with my husband. It's so easy to travel without the kids. I also think its really good for my Aunt. She doesn't move much - as in she rarely walks anywhere. She loves spending time with the kids and they force her to move. Its incredibly helpful for us and I think she likes feeling useful. She also takes care of her Mom. She's pretty grumpy so its a thankless job.

Job interviews are rolling in. Odd/nice to be in a job that companies are desperate to hire. One job sounds great but I'm worried about the commute time. Its a home for children with developmental delays. The kids seem to be on vents/have trachs. It says they can't live at home. I'm not sure why as many kids with those things live at home. The parents generally become experts. Maybe these are more complicated then what I'm familiar with. The place looks fancy - it includes a swimming pool. They train new grad nurses. It reminds me of a college summer job I had working at a Paul Newman job for kids with illnesses. It was wonderful. It would be a lot to learn but that's anywhere. Five weeks of vacation and a good salary. It says you accumulate PTO immediately but can't take vacation for six months. That won't work for me but I'm assuming its something I can negotiate. Especially if I'm willing to take unpaid time off that I preschedule during the first six months. I want/need Christmas and April Spring break off. The interview is next week. I also have an interview at a IVF clinic. Have an option to interview for a home health job. I think the long run that would be interesting/great but I don't want to start a job where I'll be on my own. They will train me but I have my doubts its enough. I'll probably do the interview just to hear more/practice.

Evaluations for baby boy continue. His OT said "no way he has autism." Feeling calmer about it no matter the diagnosis. The fact that he's charmed his teacher and is getting rave reviews has eased everything. We need to treat his ADHD type symptoms to keep him and those around him safe. From what I understand the two time's a week OT sensory gym sessions is the first step towards that. Still hoping to tour a special ed school but as of now not feeling that recommendation. Also will feel better when we get an adoption date. No word on that from anyone. The caseworker still acts like we are crazy for even asking.

Bee had a fun Birthday party. So nice to see all of her little friends. So lucky to have such a great community.

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c0smicfern · 5 months

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INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success]: Hey. Just wanted to remind you that you're *autistic*.

LOGIC [Easy: Success]: No, she's not. Get out of here; you're not helping.

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: Her *amygdala* would beg to differ. Say, do you remember what we did to your brother's arm, or have you already forgotten?

> I forgot.

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: You were in your stepmother's minivan; your father, grandpa, grandma, brother, and sister with you. It had been a long day, and you were *tired*. You started to break down and mentioned *suicide*. Your sister tried to shut you up by telling you how tired everyone was of you talking about killing yourself. It worked a little... *too* well. When we finally arrived at your sister's dorm, they tried to ask you where you left your things so she could grab them for you.

> Then what happened?

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: You tried to write it down, but your brother shut down your feeble attempt at communication. Minutes passed as you sat there motionless, staring out at the quiet parking lot. They told you if you couldn't communicate where you left your things that they would be left behind. You remembered: Baphie. You thought, "Fuck the clothes, fuck my hygiene products, I'm not going to bed without that little plush demon." As your sister finally climbed out of the vehicle, *it* began. You had a premonition only moments before of what would happen if the worst came to pass, and it seemed like it had.

> What did I *do*?

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: You *thrashed* against the side of the vehicle. Even began to hit yourself, but your brother grabbed you and held you against his chest. Without a moment to think, without control of your body, without even realizing what was happening, you clawed your brother's arm as you began... to *scream*. The tears flowed as the persona you had spent your life building up came crashing down. If they thought you were a bit weird and simple-minded about complex emotional issues before, they *knew* how much of a freak you were now.

> That's awful.

LOGIC [Easy: Success]: As awful as it sounds and *was*, autism spectrum disorder diagnoses are not made by heart-wrenching anecdotes. They are made using the standardized diagnostic criteria. Encyclopedia?

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy: Success]: The criteria for autism spectrum disorder is broken up into four sections. Section A refers to atypical social behaviors, approaches, and body language, as well as a failure to maintain back-and-forth conversation and difficulty with making and keeping friends. While not an explicit requirement in the criteria, psychiatrists and specialists licensed to diagnose ASD usually will not give a diagnosis of ASD if the subject has not historically had issues with cognitive empathy. In particular, cognitive empathy here means: receiving and understanding social cues such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and the like as well as non-literal speech, which encompasses idioms, metaphors, jokes, teasing, and so on.

SWARM [Medium: Success]: It is often argued that autistic people don't struggle with cognitive empathy *in general* so much as they struggle with assuming the perspectives of other neurotypes, just as *neurotypicals* struggle with understanding autistic people and people with ADHD. You're fairly mediocre at *both*, but understanding and relating to autistic people comes slightly more naturally to you. So.

LOGIC [Medium: Success]: Is 'relating more easily to autistic people' on the diagnostic criteria?

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy: Success]: It's not.

LOGIC [Medium: Success]: Then I rest my case.

INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging: Success]: The pieces may not fit, but you know deep within yourself that it is true. It is one of the first things you knew about yourself, coming to lucidity in a world not made for you.

DRAMA [Trivial: Success]: Maybe it's... *schizophrenia*.

LOGIC [Easy: Success]: God dammit. Who let that guy in here? This is a private courtroom.

> Do I get any kind of say in this?

INLAND EMPIRE [Trivial: Success]: No.

HALF LIGHT [Trivial: Success]: No.

LOGIC [Trivial: Success]: No.

> So what's the takeaway here?

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success]: You're autistic. Your *deeper consciousness* has known this your whole life despite the differences between you and autistic people.

SWARM [Medium: Success]: You're autistic. You share more in common with autistic people than you do with neurotypicals or people with solely ADHD. You have a sixth sense for them and can identify them not only with the things you have learned or their body language but by their *aura* alone.

HALF LIGHT [Medium: Success]: You're autistic. The ways in which we move or *don't* in response to overwhelming emotion, change, and even stimuli, at times, fit no other explanation better.

LOGIC [Medium: Success]: There is absolutely *no way* that you are autistic. It's C-PTSD, catatonic depression, or literally *anything* else. You don't fit the criteria completely; you are not autistic.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Success]: What he said.

> Is there any kind of synthesis that can be made from these opposing viewpoints?

LOGIC [Medium: Success]: Well, we're all in agreement that you have *something* going on beyond your ADHD, intermittent anxiety and depression, and substance use. We have evidence that this is the case in the form of your psychiatrist's dismissal of the ADHD and substance use theories for your catatonic symptoms.

INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging: Success]: But nothing has ever resonated in you quite like autism. Something about the spiritual connection you feel only to autistic people speaks to something burbling *deep* within you.

LOGIC [Easy: Success]: Again, that's not part of the diagnostic criteria. Is this really my opposition? Look, we'll... we'll keep looking. It may seem to take forever, but we will find the answer *eventually*. Keep asking questions.

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success]: I could say the same to you, Mr. Cold-and-Calculating. What is your accuracy rating for determining such things? Mine is near 100%. Despite the differences between her and most autistic people, she knows it is the truth, deep inside her. She doesn't believe you. Not really.

SWARM [Easy: Success]: He *is* uncharacteristically unreasonable for a person with only ADHD. It doesn't need to be said, but that's *also* a sign of autism.

LOGIC [Trivial: Success]: Listen...

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: Despite the conflicting evidence, the odds are stacked against you here, chief. Best back down.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Trivial: Success]: She can read social cues...

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: Have you forgotten the distress her social confusion used to cause her? Still causes her? Her amygdala remembers. Are we sure *Mr. Cold-and-Calculating* isn't the cause of that?

LOGIC [Impossible: Failure]: I... don't actually know.

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success]: There you have it. Should we call this? Close the case?

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: It's your call.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success]: I'm calling it. This has been a reminder that you're autistic.

Thought gained: Actual Autism Diagnosis

#the disco elysium skills (with esprit de corps replaced with 'swarm' as i'm not a pig) talking about whether or not i'm autistic #you can read this one but beware:#internalized ableism #suicide mention #violence

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disdaidal · 2 years

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Went to my appointment with my nurse this morning and for the first time in years, I brought up the possibility of having an ADD/ADHD. Or maybe just a little bit because I already know I’m diagnosed with BPD II, and I’m cool with that. Not questioning it or anything.

And for the first time in many years, I felt like I wasn’t being brushed aside & just told ‘it’s probably just depression & anxiety’ but she seemed to genuinely listen to me and consider it as a possibility after I’d described some of my struggles over the years; my daily life problems included. She even gave me an ASRS (ADHD Self-Report Scale) form to fill, and I actually got a high score in that.

So... now I’m trying to find some old reports that would support that theory (I know at least a couple of old reports like that; I’m just hoping I still actually have them), so she can go through them. She might also arrange a testing/interview for ADD/ADHD later this year if my mental health doesn’t start to deteriorate again. Because obviously then the results wouldn’t be reliable.

Anyhow... this is something that’s really important to me right now. Like I’m not trying to say that I have ADD/ADHD (could be it’s just depression/anxiety, could be my BPD too). But I have never been tested for it before even though I’ve frequently brought it up with different doctors and nurses since I was 20-21. And I’m 34 now, so it’s quite a long time feeling restless and ‘not focused’.

It’s just... I keep coming across posts and articles about it and more often than not I recognize myself there. My stepsister has it, her daughter has it, my mom likely has it and I’m pretty sure my grandma has it too (she’s fussy, all over the place, has no sense of direction & order of things - and the scary part is, I can often relate to her lmao).

My nurse also brought up that while depression/anxiety can play a huge part in those things (and that ADHD/BPD have a lot in common), they don’t close each other out. Also that my diagnosis has changed so many times over the years (tell me about it) and yet, it seems like that there has always been uncertainty about it? Like no one really knows for sure what’s wrong with me (lmao). Which, according to her, could be a sign that further needs to be looked into.

Also when she talked about my current medication working as a mood stabilizer etc. that can help alleviate certain kind of symptoms over the time, I really had to ask her if my current medication could help with restlessness & a lack of focus, too. When I’d asked that, she actually went quiet and thoughtful for a few seconds, then replied that the ADHD medication might be the only thing that could actually help with that. Which, *sighs*, I don’t know, could mean something?

Anyway i slept 4.5 hours last night, so my train of thought might not be so clear (when is it ever lmao). But... I don’t know, I just feel a little bit hopeful this time I guess? At least they might consider testing me for ADD/ADHD this time? And if so, at least I’d know for sure then?

#personal #mental health rambling ignore

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orchidyoonkook · 1 year

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orchid (I GOTTA), tulip, gladiolus, + hydrangea 🫡

Orchid - favourite fruit?

All of them 😂😂. I love fruit so much it’s ideally what I’d eat all day everyday. I’ll say strawberry for the question but literally like: blueberries, raspberries, cherries, cantaloupe, peaches, oranges, clementines, etc. i love them all.

Tulip - lucky number?

3 & 7. Always have been.

Gladiolus- who do you look up to most?

Shit dude that’s a hard question.

Writing wise? I actually really look up to Ryen. She’s the one who got me back into writing after two years of not doing it again. I just felt so inspired by her work that it sparked it again for me.

People wise? My grandma, an Olympian who’s also very zen and just an really kickass woman. And my grandpa, who can make literally anything. I’m talking houses, cars, motorcycles, anything. From scratch.

Idol wise? Joon and Yoong. Joon has this outlook on life and art that, as an artist, I can only hope to have one day. He’s someone I’d love to just sit down with and talk about life with. Yoong for many reasons. He’s my bias because I relate to him the most (and he’s pretty). But he’s an ADHD kid who picked his passion and won. As an ADHD kid (who only found out she was recently) I can only hope for that for myself. My diagnosis kind of threw both a wrench in my life but also a lifeline. And so to see someone like me out there whose done it, he keeps me calm and hopeful that I can do whatever I want.

Also Chan from stray kids. Chan’s only two years older than me, but successful and maintains his professional composure so well. It shows me that a good life is achievable if you try and dedicate yourself. And that’s something I need because I struggle with my neuro divergence in the workplace a lot. So he’s nice to look up to to see you can still be a crackhead and good at your job. (I know Chan isn’t ADHD, he’s just close to me in age and successful)

Hydrangea - proudest moment?

Lots!! But most recent is graduating college in the pandemic in a very difficult program with honours. I worked my ass off for that and I got it.

#nary!!! thank you so much for asking ♥️#don’t mind me getting sappy over gladiolus #asks #ask games #ms.mailbox📬#joonary

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twistytwine · 1 year

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Lil thing about an ex-friend! (This isn’t a vent or rant, this is just me reflecting about my own past flaws and mistakes and talking about them)

Lately, I’ve been seeing a therapist, and talking to them has allowed me to tell them all about my own flaws that I’ve observed of myself from clashes with my mom, grandma, and past friends. One of them I need to get off my chest is how I viewed one of my ex-friend’s relationships with myself. I used to think I was totally the victim in that scenario and they were an “““abuser”““, but as I got more mature, now almost eighteen years old, I’ve come to realize that we were both toxic. Not abusive, but just toxic. We were both really young teens who had good hearts but were, admittedly, kind of assholes towards each other.

I was really hypocritical criticizing them for vagueposting back then, because I also used to vaguepost. It doesn’t matter whether or not I stopped before them or they did it less; I still never admitted I vagueposted a lot too and refused to confront people straight-up about issues I had. I think the shittiest thing I did to them was, when I decided to stop being their friend for the final time, I sent them a crappy Google doc berating them for all the things they’ve done to me, but whenever I addressed my own mistakes, I always used the word “maybe.” Maybe I shouldn’t have done this. Maybe I influenced your behavior doing this. I never took on the blame full-force. I never straight-up said that I did make a mistake doing this thing, I did influence them, I did hurt them. I was always under the impression that I was bad, but at least I was better than them -- it was never about who was better than the other. It should have been about communication, understanding, and helping each other recognize their flaws instead of scolding them like a child.

They hurt me, but I also hurt them a lot. It was my fault for treating my own actions as if they were the final straw and ignoring all the infliction that came from it. And the shittiest part of the document revolved around my mindset at the time; I was really obsessed with the idea of diagnosis. Before I actually discovered that ADHD was more than just “haha I can’t focus lol” and theoretically could be the source of a lot of my mental problems, I thought that I had BPD. It came from the desperate idea of needing something to define my toxic traits, because if I didn’t have that, then what did I have? I refused to believe that my own actions came from my own hand and not some mental illness orchestrating everything in my brain. The crappiest part of this “last-response” document was me projecting all of this onto them. I believed that they could “get help” for their behavior because I thought they had BPD. I listed out the symptoms and everything. I recall there being a genuine care for them solving some of their habits, but I treated it like I was accusing them as a judge of the court.

Anyway: Both them and I hurt each other and I believe caused some trauma on each other in some way. It took me a few years to stop thinking about the things they said and did to me everyday, and I feel like it took them some time to do the same. It’s only an assumption though, and I think a better assumption would be that, like me at the moment, they’re doing better mentally and the trauma I inflicted onto them has been reduced in its effects. I used to think about them everyday and be paranoid they were vagueposting about me in other places on the internet, which triggered me whenever I saw any sort of vaguepost vent from friends, even when they weren’t about me at all and about something else. However, now I don’t vaguepost at all and only think about them once in a super duper long while, and even then it’s just a passing positive thought, hoping that they’re alright.

If there was the chance to talk to them again and apologize to them for the things I’ve done, I would. But I think it’s just been too long between us, and I admittedly don’t know if I’d be comfortable facing them again due to my memories of our unhealthy behavior towards each other. I suppose my form of relief regarding this would be thinking that they’re doing okay, and that they have new friends who accompany them like I do.

This is completely different from that one ex-friend who (if I recall) was really mentally unstable and ended up threatening to kill me through the screen of their computer (which is not possible if I last recall how physics and logic work). I think our “friendship” started when they accidentally messaged me or something or I did to them, and then they just kept on talking to me even though we weren’t friends. I have no idea what possessed 13/14-year-old me to keep the relationship going because I had to calm them down and convince them not to murder their family, but I think it was just because young me back then craved the attention from them. This one is going into my “Young Twisty Cringe Comp”

#twisty talks #long post #ex friend tw #maybe delete later? idk it feels good to write it out #murder mention

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winter-spark · 2 days

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I know self-diagnosis is valid and that as you learn more you're okay to be like oh I was wrong it's actually maybe this and whatever but I'm a bit of a coward, or well I still don't want to insert myself in spaces that I don't might not belong in and I've always hated the idea of talking about things without 100% certainty/information but uh my possible {self-}diagnosis is sorta leaking into my writing. Or at least I'm doing things in my writing then later hearing about/being reminded of things and sorta going :o so I'm gonna write about that below. Somewhat a vent post I suppose.

So... Uh I guess, besides explaining my potential diagnosis, there's currently gonna be three parts of this. My personal series Letting Go, my A3! writing, and my Buddyfight writing. And there's gonna be a lot of uncertainty here so I apologize if it at all wastes your time but here I go.

Me:

So... I might be autistic. This is something my sisters and I have been looking into for a minute tbh. Like a couple years at this point. We've taken a few different tests and started somewhat watching informational videos on autism and diagnoses and stuff, and like signs are pointing to yea probably. but like, idk. We were gonna put a pin in it until we could move but we unpinned because it wasn't helping to have it pinned. But yea, I might be autistic. Things I've looked into less that I might also have(?) ADHD, AFRID, mild dyslexia, but I've gotta do more research and it's not really about those but I thought I'd throw them out because idk some times holding things in for too long turns them to rot. But anyway, since I've been doing research on autism I was thinking maybe possibly whether I am or not my main character, Miles, is. He's from my series

Letting Go:

Now, Miles, I projected to some extent on when I wrote him but also he's very different from me but none the less there's few things that I had that could be signs of autism and I was wondering how to add more because I did want to sorta write him as an undiagnosed autistic. So in my writing before the research was my movie for my Screenwriting classes. Things about Miles, from the earlier drafts:

He is kinda sensitive to too many sounds, especially voices, at once (trait from me), (it increases when he's in a nervous/panicked state idk if that has to do with anything but I wanted to clarify that)

His, maybe, special interest is space, namely Pluto (and maybe baking)

(I had to sorta look back at this when editing/setting up for version like 4/5 which became a tv series but) he's not always great with picking up what others are putting down socially (version 1 he did not realize that another character was legitimately romantically into him, he didn't realize that, now one of his best friends, was worried about him,) like you do have to be a bit more direct with him (but not as much as Leilani but that's a different point completely)

So like, I was like maybe I should give him more traits? Like like this isn't in order and I can't remember everything but I was like okay, I, maybe, have a chewing stim, maybe I should give that to him too. (I need to double-check what his mannerisms are omg) And I say maybe have a chewing stim because I don't know if it has another name but I know that sometimes I just need to chew on something, but I've sorta conditioned myself out of it because my mom didn't appreciate me chewing on my pajama clothes and my personal stapler broke(yes I used to chew on staples). So like you know maybe that.

But also maybe I was thinking I would line his sorta panic attack with an autistic meltdown. See a big point in the story is when at a party he ends up sorta panicking and running away then he just sits by himself at like a bus stop which is where his grandma finds him, but like I wasn't sure how to do that because I was doing research and I wasn't sure how to quite make that so and if the things around it were right(I didn't do this research recently I'm sorry I'm super blanking). but I was watching this video earlier by I'm Autistic, Now What? called The 4 Types of Autistic Meltdowns, and one she mentioned was leaving/running away. Which as I mentioned he does. And I think maybe I was worried about build up/triggers but now I'm thinking more about that and maybe there is enough.

Ugh I don't want to "spoil" it but like, he's an introvert, he's a homebody(sorta), he's never had that many friends, so this was his first time going to a party with a group of friends, a group of friends that almost immediately split up, and he ends up stumbling back into one of them, but he's a little conscious about his crush flirting with someone else at the party, then his old bully is there and is harassing him and keeps mentioning Miles being a momma's boy and this is sorta more sensitive because his mom is in the hospital at the time(not a spoiler that's the (omg I'm a terrible film student what do you call the event that triggers the rest of the story, sets it in motion that's what that is)). He steps away for like to seconds to talk a breath but when he returns it is being revealed that his mom is in the hospital and [redacted because it was originally a surprise bit of info but now I just don't want to reveal this because it is still sorta a spoiler] which sends him over the edge where he borderline starts shouting and then just darts out.

And like maybe that works? I don't know. What I also don't know is if I should've even included my

A3! writing:

See, after one of the high points of my research on autism I was looking at a lot of Itaru content stuff and sorta was like is... is Itaru Autistic? Now I don't make it a point to write him as such but Itaru has become one of the characters I for some reason feel need to project onto. So when I write him I do give him me-adjacent traits and looking at some things I'm a bit like hmmm, am I maybe writing him autistic?

See-- oh shoot I should have mentioned this in the me category, okay so I might be demi-romantic, demisexual. I'm not 100% sure but with the research I've done I figure that's possibly why of the very few crushes I had it took a while for me to be like "oh! I have a crush on this person!" like literally one of them I didn't come to the conclusion until I was trying that wellness with Steven Universe/Rebecca Sugar thing and one of the days was just write what comes to your mind and as I was doing my best to do that(my mind goes very fast but I had to have complete thoughts) I got to a point where I was talking about one of my best friends and I was like "yea it'd be cool if we were still close in the future and maybe lived together and then we could go on runs together and cook together and cuddle on the couch watching movies together" literally visualizing this future together and then and I don't even remember if I considered a peck or not but I was like "oh shoot Do I have a crush on him?"

Now you're probably like, what's this gotta do with Itaru and autism? Well see in one of my CitoIta fics I gave him that trait of not quite catching on until he gets to a certain point "oh shoot, do I like him romantically, what?" so I figured I was just making him demi-romantic. (Which he still could be idk) but anyway. I saw this post a couple months back that said that not being able to quite tell if it's platonic or romantic can be a neurodivergent trait. So what if I gave it to him as like a subconscious neurodivergent, mayhaps autism, thing, idk if he's written as autistic in this story tho. I was actually initially thinking about in my Apartments au, where he basically starts scripting his interactions with his friendly neighbor (a sorta of "Okay, if we run into each other again I we have a conversation, I can ask this, and if he mentions this I can mention this" type thing. Oh tho he slightly does that in the first one I mentioned not to the same extent but he does prep how to say a line(wording and delivery) if asked what he's doing.

And speaking of characters I project onto let's hop over to

Future Card Buddyfight Fics:

So the closest I personally have ever been to "kin"-ing a character was Kiri Hyoryu, and I simply mean this in a "I related to him so hard" way like he was me foreal, okay, obviously lots of differences but point is I was able to see myself in him. Before they completely ruined him for me, that's an essay I've already written and will write again. but not this essay. So of course I wrote Buddyfight but mainly Team Disaster fanfiction(they aged with me in my writing lol). Some are actually posted too. but like in my most recent unfinished work, I was really feeling that need to project onto him. So I gave him a... something. It was similar to what I experienced but somewhat different. And as I continued writing, a character who happened to be there was like "I want to be able to help if it happens again, what sorta thing helps, can I ask if that a panic attack or an anxiety attack."(he was planning on doing additionally research on them as a whole) & I went ":0". And tried to research them and figure it out but like I couldn't. And going back to the video I was watching on the types of Autistic Meltdowns, I don't know but I kinda think that maybe he had an autistic meltdown?

But like here's the thing, how am I doing that? I not once considered Kiri as autistic. Just like a character that was as me as I was gonna get. He had a hard time making lasting friendships partly because he moved a lot, and latched onto his person(s) and just wanted to know he'd be remembered by those he cared about. Sure he was a bit whiny, I got why people thought he was annoying but it made him more like me, because I got why. I felt his pain. Even if none of it was real.

And I never really thought me and Itaru were all that alike but I feel the need to project onto him at times, and just like adjacently, like that long post about CitoIta playing Kingdom Hearts, I promise you a lot of Itaru's faves are different from my but also close enough, like Itaru being a Kingdom Hearts fan is because I'm a Kingdom Hearts fan, and he's a twewy fan too because I'm a twewy fan, like he's a gamer how can I not? But also he's nothing like me even in those regards. Like I know he's a freaking Shoka fan in terms of Neo and that he played the og twewy back when it first came out. And he's legit a gamer, I'm hardly one.

And of course my own oc, who doesn't project at least a little on their ocs. I don't have a point here on him tho. All in all I'm just like yeesh. What am I supposed to do with this?

I was gonna say I might have to accept that I really am probably autistic but I'm still nervous about trampling on other's space, interjecting myself where I don't be long that I realized something. Accidents do happen, yada yada if it's three times it's a pattern I've written lots of characters and stories so it'd have to be more than three four times... Five, more than five times, shoot I forgot Retsu's also a scripter(still Bfight character). But like yea, I'll probably start rereading my works to see if there's anything more in there that suggests that I maybe give autistic traits to characters I write and I know the less I project onto a character the less I can count it maybe? Idk, but like I just think that maybe I've over reacting idk. Time will tell I guess. I just don't want to be wrong you know?

This I know is nothing solid, I've been writing this for nearly three hours(I'm at work but it is a slow-ish day) without looking at any really research and just vaguely using my memory to make points so I might even more so be wrong idk, idk, idk.

#not quite #messages from the swamp #<- i shoulda just typed it. it took too many tries for me to be able to click on it from the split second tumblr let it appear #tumblr hates me #and idk why #personal thoughts #should I tag this with my personal series or my main character there is some information about him in here...#idk #might delete later #or something #might disappear it at least #long post

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gymclassheroine · 2 months

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the 5-year update

By some miracle, I remembered the password to this account to create a blog for my internship last year. It's bizarre seeing people still posting, but, like in a cool way. I really do miss the heyday of Tumblr. It's funny reading my old posts. I've always had a dramatic streak (would you expect anything less from a Leo moon) and I don't know if that's subsided with age. Though that girl is so far away, I still recognize her. And I forgive her. I just want to make past me proud.

Any who, here's some things that have happened since I last posted 5 years ago.

Got laid off from my fundraising job (thanks COVID).

Moves I made: SF -> South Bay/Silicon Valley -> Detroit -> Seattle -> Detroit.

Got my masters degree and became a librarian.

Started healing my relationship with my family.

Cultivated some friendships, lost a lot more friendships.

Dated quite a bit, then not.

Visited 15 states for the first time.

Navigated situational depression.

Saw a therapist, registered dietitian, and personal trainer, to heal my mental, physical, and emotional health.

Pursued an ADHD diagnosis (pending results).

Dove headfirst into astrology studies.

For some time, I thought I wanted to build roots back home in Detroit. But the longer I stay here, the less I'm sure that I want to call Detroit home for good. To be fair, I have only been back here for 6 months, most of which has been spent either working, taking care of my grandma, or sick. So I can't say I've given home a fair chance yet. But I'm also bored. I don't feel the same inspiration to live as I once did. That could be a result of COVID-19 lockdown burnout though. Maybe I just need another road trip or festival or book or drugs to reignite the spark inside of me.

For now, I just need to do my absolute best. Maybe things will fall into place from there. But, knowing my Scorpio stellium ass, nothing I gain comes without a good ol' life-altering transformation.

Until next time, xoxo,

#olivia's thoughts

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gingerhastoomanyobsessions · 4 months

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the older generations make fun of millennials-Gen Z for being too eager to use labels but like. i know so many older people who would probably benefit from having a word to describe themselves who just refuse to use one because that’s what the youths are doing

my mom is on the ace spectrum. she’s realized this in the past few years. however she still doesn’t want to use the words because “there are probably lots of women who don’t”

one of my grandmas, in all likelihood, has a personality disorder. she sees a therapist and knows it. however she doesn’t want an on-paper diagnosis because “that’s for serious cases” and for people who “actually need it”. and young people.

my dad has adhd. he’s seen a therapist. he knows the criteria because he was there throughout my diagnosis process. however he doesn’t want to try medication, despite voicing the desire to be able to focus, because he thinks that it’s for kids and he’s old enough to “power through it”

i genuinely think a lot of gen X and boomers are so wary of our use of labels because they see themselves in it and don’t want to have to consider the possibility that they might be depriving themselves of help and community. the good ol protestant work ethic + toxic individualism combo pushes them to think that they don’t need any support because they’re not in crisis, not realizing that everyone needs support and community as a part of being human. they view labels, both for identity and for mental health, as a sign that you’re too far gone to be “normal”, so they’d rather stay unlabeled for as long as they can, thinking that ignoring their differences will make them go away. “you’re not x, you’re just different” isn’t just them trying to deny our problems, it’s also them denying their own

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matthewbernard · 1 year

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Yesterday on the way to work I was reflecting on my current life state and the crossroads that lies ahead of me in a few months. I was thinking about what I could do at that crossroads (the details of the crossroads I’ll go into at a later date), and that, as usual, led me to thinking about writing and this blog.

Later on in the day I looked at my Facebook memories and there was this picture:

Three years ago when I posted that, I was doing pretty well. I had mostly emerged from the worst depression of my life and things had overall become pretty stable. Work was good, my love life was looking promising, and one could say that I was feeling pretty great. Sadly, this would not last. I got fired from the job and the relationship didn’t last, but before it ended, it really took its toll on me mentally and emotionally.

Slowly I began the climb back up. I found a job with a really great team of people and I made peace with being alone for the seeable future. With that, I made the choice to prioritize my kids and to commit to being the source of my own happiness and strength. It was another journey through the dark and back to the light, but when I saw that post, I felt like I had finally made it back to where I was three years ago. Despite the aforementioned impending crossroads, I was feeling pretty good about where I am. I chose to repost the memory, and I went on with my day.

I received a few likes and a couple of comments. One from my grandma telling me how proud she was of me. I’m never sure how to respond to that sort of stuff, so I usually don’t say anything. While I know how hard it has been to work through the pitfalls of my mental health, it also is hard to acknowledge that as any form of accomplishment.

Later in the day I got a phone call. It was the behavioral health department at my doctor’s office. I was expecting their call as I had asked my doctor last week to have them call me to schedule an appointment for an ADHD evaluation. The person at the other end of the call had the tone of someone who had long since lost their patience for anything. They inform me that my insurance is out of network for their providers (which I already knew), and that my costs would be out of pocket. Now, this whole situation will be its own post at some point to explain why I had willingly asked the out of network provider to call me for an appointment, but right now I can’t openly discuss some aspects of it. So for right now I’m going to skip to the part where I ask them what the out of pocket cost is, and they tell me that it is $418, which is more than double what I was expecting.

Suffice to say, this hit me like a gut punch. Over the last year I have been really exploring the possibility that I am ADHD as it would explain so much of why I am the way that I am. If I’m right, a diagnosis could not only get me medications that could potentially help me, but at the very least it would allow me a great deal of comfort in being able to say, “Yes, I am this thing.” Now, due to the culmination of all the various circumstances: the impending crossroads, my family doctor leaving practice, and most importantly, our healthcare system being completely fucked, I am likely going to have to wait until 2024 to continue pursuing this.

Needless to say I ended yesterday pretty crestfallen. Today wasn’t a whole lot better and the cloud of the crossroads hung over me a little more than usual. I didn’t have the kids today, so after work I made and ate dinner, and then I sat on the couch wondering what I should do with my time. For the last couple of months I had spent all my free time playing Minecraft. For the few months before that it was Pokemon. My hyperfocus on both had subsided and I was in between stuff. Over the weekend I had “cracked the code” on my gimmick for my replay of Breath of the Wild. I have been wanting to play it again before Tears of the Kingdom is released, but I know I need something that will keep me engaged to complete that. I could start that, but I wasn’t quite ready. I thought about writing, but it seemed too difficult.

To be honest, the one thing that I wanted to do was just go to bed. It was 6pm and it was all I could think about. I was exhausted, but I wasn’t sleepy. I just wanted to go ahead and end the day. With what felt like way too much effort, I managed to make myself leave the couch, and rather than go to my bed, I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood. As I did, I started to feel better, and the ideas started flowing for this post. A part of me felt like I had accomplished something while the other part of me said that simply choosing not to go to bed at 6pm should be easy, and therefore it’s not an accomplishment. This post is already long enough, so that will have to be another thing that we discuss some other time, but the point is that when you are neurodivergent, and you struggle with your mental health, you are never truly in a place when you can declare victory and retire. It is a constant battle. Thankfully today I pulled myself out of it, but I know the near future will hold days where I will probably choose the bed at 6pm.

#depression #depression naps #adhd #neurodivergencies

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redrisingsun · 1 year

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anyway my psychiatrist or whatever the fuck she is also thinks it’s autism + adhd so here’s a list of people who think I’m neurodivergent vs people who don’t

at least two of my best friends (both of them with their own diagnosis!)

a dude that studied psychology + have his own diagnosis after having met me once and spoken to me for about ten minutes (he outright asked if I have adhd and if nicotine would help)

that one female doctor who mentioned it for the first time

my grandma

the school nurse I had in high school

a guy that was going to test me before I got the official test (this guy HAS to think it’s something to allow a “real” test + literally works with only neurodivergent people)

my current psychiatrist

my mom

vs people who think it’s “only” a tragic past

that guy that was supposed to give me a diagnosis

#IM SO FUCKINF ANGRY #LIKE YKU CANT GET TESTED HERE UNLESS AT LEAST TWO (2) PEOPLE THINK ITS SONETHING

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taeyamayang · 2 years

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I have no idea why Thor is so photogenic. Its not fair. He won’t save any beauty for anyone else. I have so many photos of him in my digital camera just because he is so easy to photograph. I’ll have to find them for ya, they are pretty cute. He’s cute and all, until he starts rolling in the dirt. I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but he likes to go on the porch and roll around in the dirt. And he will meow (more like mew) to go outside and stand by the door and wait for us to open the door. He doesn’t understand that it’s too hot for him and his thick fur and often just turns back around lol. Then an hour later he’s back at it again, smh. I have a problem in thinking that everyone I speak to online is American 🤦‍♀️ it’s giving entitled American vibes LMAOOO. But mainly I think that it’s just hard to comprehend how big the internet really is and how many people spend their time in there like me. I feel like people don’t understand how amazing the internet can be and how you can connect with people from absolutely everywhere, yknow? I feel like that made me sound like a grandma jfjsjsjsvdh .

The “boarding school” I went to was actually a “therapeutic residential” or a more long term psych hospital stay with more privileges and such. I went since was struggling really badly with my mental health, I was given several different diagnosis (adhd, anxiety, autism, depression) almost all at once while going through puberty, a time where people struggle finding out more about themselves and such. It fucking sucked. There were more factors but that’s mainly the gist of it that led me to being enrolled in a residential for my seventh grade. Everyone had their own problems and shit going on but it was much more “externalized”(? If that’s the right word) compared to me, who internalized EVERYTHING. So I got a lot of “why the hell are you even here?” (Not in a rude way, more in a way of general confusion) from staff and residents alike. To which I responded “I don’t fucking know??” So technically it’s not a boarding school, but it has the characteristics of one in several ways and it’s much easier to call it a boarding school because it gets a lot less sideways glances and or ones of pity. It seems VERY different from your school. When I think of boarding schools I think of either two things; a very preppy, fancy school or a reformitary school for “juvinile delinquents”. And cults. Which i guess means three things but cults in either kind of boarding schools aren’t necessarily uncommon. Maybe they are, but I’m a true crime addict so I’ve heard plenty of shady things about boarding schools. High key just listened to a documentary of sorts about a boarding school like two days ago. In other words, what was your school like? Lol it sounds very interesting and fancy. Was it fun? Did you have to wear uniforms? When I was in kindergarten-2nd grade I wore a uniform, which I didn’t think was weird until I moved and went to a different school and realized that only preppier schools have their students wear uniforms, and my old school was not preppy at ALL. It was just a normal school. So like a year or two ago I asked my mom why I had to wear a uniform -white collared shirts and navy bottoms- I was a very lanky kid that grew a LOT. I was also messy and has sensory issues with the stupid collar on the shirts. We had to buy them at special shops and no matter what size I bought the pants always showed so much leg and the shirts would always go up to my belly button. And since I was so messy I always had stains on my shirts. I probably looked homeless I swear. But anyway I asked her and apparently the area around my school had some GANG ACTIVITY???? and they didn’t want us kids wearing clothes that matched gang colors??? But the highschoolers (who would be around the age to be in a gang) didn’t have to wear them? Idk weird. And omg I do remember Madeline!!! It’s a show locked deep deep down in my childhood memories. I remember the last time I thought of it was a few months ago actually when I made a comment about riding along the luggage bag things they have in hotels and such and my mom mentioned something along the line of “like in Madeleine?” Like wow ok I don’t think I thought of Madeline since I was like four, that’s a throwback.

Ok so my other ceiling story happened in my room, well shared room. So here’s a very shitty sketch of the room since it’s too odd looking to describe in justice. The orange highlight is the layout of the room, and the yellow bits give better detail of certain sections. Ok so each room had a wooden desk, bed and wardrobe for every person living in the room. They also had a wall that was a fogged window with a section up to that was not fogged. Surprisingly, the staff didn’t mind if we sat on top of the wardrobes. Usually we sat up there to look out the window since that was about the only way u could see out it. I usually did that by hopping up from my bed (as you can see with the lil stick figures) but most of the time we just climbed up them using the wooden slots separating each cubby. Most of the rooms were two person rooms besides the two back ones, including the one I drew. Now that one was kinda famous on the unit for several reasons. First it was one of the only three person rooms- like previously mentioned , second it looks weird (it was also painted a pea green color, where all the others weren’t painted at all?) and it didn’t have an obnoxious window wall that people can tap on from the outside and that blinded you every morning. But it was mainly famous because the wardrobes were all lined up in a slim row and you could all crawl up there and look out the window- or crawl up into the ceiling. The little corner the wardrobes were in had a wooden panel and room for a person to sit up there. It was relatively safe, at least to what Peter did and most of the kids who slept in that room went up there at some point. I didn’t, I didn’t wanna get in trouble and besides; my Lanky, 5’7 ass would not fit in there quietly or neatly and I did not wanna break shit, no thank you. I pride myself on being self aware and I am very aware of how messy I am, and how much more of a mess I was a twelve. The room at the moment was occupied by me and my two roomates; Daia and Kayla. One day, Daia and Kayla crawled up the ceiling- whilst calling me a baby for not-while I read a comic. I went out in the common areas to socialize while Daia soon followed me, because their isn’t much to do in the ceiling . Kayla on the other hand stayed up in their even tho we both told her she should come down, she’s being too reckless. But she said she was fine. I bet you know where this is going. A little while late we hear a loud ass CRASH and Daia and I run out from the common room only to find out that the loud noise came from our room. Kayla somehow sat on a piece that wasn’t stable and the WHOLE rectangle section fell. All over our wardrobe, all over our clothes, everywhere. Our whole room was a hazard.

I was really irritated since we both told Kayla she needed to be less reckless and she was known to be kinda selfish and she had a tendency to do whatever she wanted no matter who it harmed. But daia? Daia was PISSED. Absolutely LIVID. let me tell you a few things about Daia. She was a year younger than us, and much much smaller. She was small and petite with baby chin and hands. She had a head of tight small curls. In other words, she was very cute. Like a teddy bear. Or doll. But the similarities end there. like they say, the shorter they are they closer they are to hell and man did she have a TEMPER! she was very feisty and had an attitude when needed. Once One of the night staff told us about how she once got up and stood in her doorway and when the staff asked what’s up she stuck her lil chubby hand with her little chubby middle finger and said “fuck you” and giggled (more like cackled) as she went back to lay down. Do you know that meme with Cardi B saying “who am I? Who are you?” Then chucking? Yeah she kinda sounded like that. The staff was so confused, not just because she didn’t do anything that required such hostility. BUT BECAUSE SHE WAS ASLEEP THE WHOLE. DAMN. TIME. the staff checked and double checked too, she was dead asleep. If that doesn’t give a description of daia as a whole idk what does. One of the staff said that she reminds him of a Grateful Dead bear, always sneaking around with a mischievous look in her eye. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me she punched him in the nuts. She was pretty chill when not being a menace to society, tho. But unluckily for Kayla, she just flipped her “bitch switch” and I had to PHYSICALLY hold her back. Was not fun, 10/10 WOULD NOT RECOMMEND. Thankfully Kayla was ok (after falling and avoiding Daias rath) but we all had to sleep elsewhere, so Daia and I moved our mattresses to the group room and Kayla moved hers to the hallway, where she would be constantly supervised. It was wild. You would think having one weird ceiling related incident there would be it right?

And about the twerking party- you read that right. That’s exactly what happened, which honestly wasn’t very out of the ordinary, very on brand. They would always be dancing and stuff and they always tried bringing me in. Which as an awkward, lanky 12 year old I would always decline. Do you know that one TikTok audio “Bitch did you hear what the fuck I said? Shake some ass!!!” It was pretty much that. To which I promptly replied “what ass????? I have nothing to shake!!!!” Which usually got them off my case. But if they ever caught me vibing to any r&b/rap/trap (the music they played) they would hype me UP. They loved “corrupting” the shy lanky emo and would always go “MAEVE!! OK WE SEE YOU!!” It was so embarrassing!!!! I was pretty much the chillest and most rational on the dorm and got along with everybody so they sorta saw me as the baby (even daia and Kayla did… which was weird because I was technically older??) once I was getting changed in the room real quick and Kayla was like “DAMNNNNN” and Daia was like “You never told me you had titties??” And I was just like ????? I never hit them away??? I just wear sports bras???? Kayla then told me I was “slim thicc” and daia and I were like “yeah no” big then Kayla’s said I’m “thicc slim” which apparently made more sense because daia agreed?? They saw me as a goodie two shoes as well so after they found out I “have boobs” they tried to make me wear more “whore couture” or revealing outfits. And I was like bitch?? We are twelve?????? Yeah it got messy lmaooo

I literally had to type that all out on notes, it took forever lol

Thor sounds like a troublemaker but you wouldn't get mad at him bc he's such an adorable fluff. Momo used to mess around too but she's 6yrs old now and kinda oldie so she would rather look through the window, sleep and eat all day than do anything. In short, she's a freeloader in our house lmaoo that's okay! idk but it's weird ever since i got into social media i always get assumed as an American? or someone who lives in the west but l i'm very much asian. from my ancestors' knowledge, our blood is mixed but still from an asian descent. so that makes me asian x2 LMAO I DONT KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

CULT?! GANG?! is that tokyo rev irl? lmao jk. omfg i love love crime documentaries but i have never heard a cult incident near my area so that being "normal" in where you live is surprising to me. yes! we used to wear uniforms. i attended a religious all girls school all my life before uni. from 7th grade to 10th grade i liked our uniform. we wear a blue skirt and a bottom up white polo but the buttons are at the back. we also wear a neck tie where we improvised to put our pens and highlighters inside so it becomes handy. then, we have black doll shoes with white socks just above our ankles. the uniforms changed when we reach 11th to 12th grade. it's more "mature" but technically it's almost the same thing as the previous uniform but the buttons are at front and we no longer have the necktie which kinda sucks. oh, if you need a point reference i think the closest look we have of our uniform is Fukurodani's!! (minus the bow cos we wore a navy necktie, as i mentioned earlier) my high school life is pretty normal. i didn't belong to the "cool" group but i wasn't isolated from the rest. i kinda just... existed LMAO but my status slightly changed during my 11th to 12th grade. i gained a bit of confidence. i was a sports captain during a sports event and auditioned for a musical play for a cause (a school event) actually i wasn't planning on auditioning but my friends signed me up 😭 i have stage fright but i love performing (i am a walking irony, i know) i sing and my friends know i can sing so they wanted me to show everyone what i can do. i curse but at the same time thank them for signing me up cos i got accepted! from the point, my batchmates and teachers were shocked to see a different side of me. no one knew i can sing but from mini plays in english classes they have enjoyed my quirky acting lol sooo i guess it was a good memory. also, idk why but i always get caught in the "cool" kids dramas when i'm literally just a chilling potato. like, i swear i can tell you about it next time if you want to. it's a whole au moment for me but i was confused half of the time. it sucks that you have to call your school a "boarding school" just so people wouldn't be shocked when you tell them you studied there. we don't have that kind of school here in my country or maybe i am not aware of it, but part of it is that my country isn't open yet when it comes to mental health (sucks cos i'm a psychology major lol) but how were you in your school? did it helped you? and it's good that your parents supported you or at least find a way to help you when you were struggling with your mental health.

alright, first off THE EFFORT MAN 👏🏼 as a visual learner, thank you for the drawing AND THE SMALL STICK FIGURES WITH CAPTIONS OMG aight so as i type this i have read the part about the ceiling incident AND SHIT YOU NOT ONE SEC I WAS NODDING, THEN LAUGHING, AND WRAPPED IT UP WITH MY JAW ON THE FLOOR. i thought daia is a sweet little human when you told me she had come down from the look out. i thought kyla is the problem child and you had daia on your side. but when you started describing how cuddly and cute she appeared i saw it coming. she isn't a doll or if she is then she is definitely chucky 😭 NO THAT'S A BAD COMPARISON BUT LITERALLY THAT WAS THE IMAGE I HAD OF HER WHEN READING THE DESCRIPTION OF HER. the middle finger and fuck you while she was dead asleep?? ARE YOU SERIOUS GSNDBSJ and "the shorter one is the closer to hell." MAAM SIR THAT HIT ME. AS A FIVE FEET FLAT THAT WAS PERSONAL /jk (lmao i get that a lot too tho i have a veryyyy longgg patience once shit gets to me i bring hell to earth lmao so my friends are wary of me when i'm angry or pissed tho i don't physically hurt someone but they say i have this black aura thing clouding me similar to that of anime characters when im mad LOL but yeah that's rare since i appear collected and calm most of the time, ANYWAY) your boarding school stories are out of this world i feel like this belongs to a series "keeping up with myve's boarding school." "90 days in boarding school." "survivor boarding school." 😭 why do i feel like you lived with the most problematic kids in town and you had to somehow be friends with them. but i commend you for doing the right choices tho, not climbing the lookout thingy (and heck you're 5'7 at that time?? wtf is in the air in your country 😭😭😭) i bet you're one of the best behaved kids in your school at that time. btw, was kyla bought to the hospital? i mean the fall hurt her (also daia's wrath) that story is crazy shittt but i enjoyed it heckk lol. also, do you get to choose your roommates or you get assigned in a certain like how i always get assigned to the most rowdy pupil in class in hopes i'll "turn" them nice or get sat next to the most talkative in class cos when in class i always have this face -__- i was generally quiet, shy, and nice (teacher's description) or do you get assigned randomly? i'd love to hear more of your stories boarding school or not it sounds interesting and entertaining. i love the contrast we haveㅡour's is very prim and proper, don't hurt a fly. always respect each other policy and your's is a tv series. i feel like when you get old that's the kind of stories you'll tell your grandkids.

i- am i the only who didnt get the thicc slim and slim thicc? like... what's the difference GSNSBS and they didn't expect you to have boobies cos you're "hiding it" heckk were you ever pressured to wear revealing clothes? i guess that's the advantage of wearing uniforms in school. we don't have issues with attire since technically we wear the same clothes and even if we have a school event that requires us to wear civilian clothes, the school rules are VERY strict so they wouldn't let us wear anything other than a pair of pants, shirt, and closed shoes. but since i studied in an all girls school i am used to changing clothes inside our classrooms. we shut the windows and door and we find our own corners tho before i used to be very conscious so i'll go out to use the bathroom but eventually i got used to it. some of the "liberal" girls poked other girls' boobs and point out how big/rounded it is or show off their bras and panties. i never flaunted my body to anyone so i just changed quietly lmao BUT one time one of my friends took notice of me changing clothes and was like "ooOoOoOoHh look at pea changing didn't know you got curves" (i butt is defined, that's what they meant." so i quickly grabbed my top uniform and covered my body and shoo-ed her lmao but it gained eyes from others but i don't mind, really.

thank you for typing this all out I ENJOYED THIS CONVERSATION OMG sorry if i reply late (hensns introvert stuff when i get drained af socializing irl i tend to shut down) hope you're doing well!! stay hydrated bubs!

#myve.😸#pea.asks

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polite-prairie-possum · 3 years

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TW: ableism

Just realizing that everyone in my life had failed me in an education sense.I recently found out from my grandma believed I was autistic and had adhd since I was a toddler. Then she told me how my elementary school told my mom I needed testing. My school also mentioned how my math scores were so below average compared to my other classes. I was known for panicking and crying when I had math tests, I wasn’t able to read a clock or say numbers in order. Teachers had told her throughout elementary school I needed to be tested, which my mom ignored by saying she didn’t want people to group me in with my brother (who also had adhd/autism). I was failing throughout middle school and highschool. Senior year came and I finally broke and told my therapist at the time I needed to be tested for Dyscalculia since I was failing my math courses, which I needed to pass if I wanted to graduate. I took the test, and the person who tested me verbatim said, “She definitely shows signs she suffering from a learning disability but since she’s made it through highschool it’s not worth going further with testing/diagnosis. I was so angry with what they said, cause me reaching out for a hand is worthless since people don’t listen. So, I finally bite the bullet and changed psychiatrists and my therapist for a psychologist who has experience with disabilities. When she did and initial screening she told me that I I meet criteria for having autism. I was so happy, if felt as if I was finally heard, I could begin understanding why my childhood was so miserable and solve why I feel like a robot with other people. Then she backtracked hard on her statement. She began using terms autistic features with me. I told her it felt ableist calling it that, and she told me she’d stop. But after two sessions she’s using it again. I asked her if it was possible to give me a referral to an autism center. She immediately apologized and told me she believed she could help me with my diagnosis. I felt bad and so I stayed. Right now nothing has changed and I’m not sure what to do. I think it’s hopeless for people to understand what I’m dealing with. Nobody listens to me. I’m thinking of just giving up on a diagnosis since everyone keeps telling me two completely different things, and it’s really getting to my head.

#undiagnosed adhd #undiagnosed autism #ableism #dyscalculia #dyspraxia #autism #actullyautistic #actually adhd

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autisticlassiedog · 2 years

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ADHD asks taken from here

I decided to just answer all of them since no one is sending me any lmao

1. what is one thing you wish more neurotypicals understood about adhd?

That it’s not just a childhood disorder! ADHD kids become ADHD adults! And it has serious consequences if left untreated!

2. a hot take/untalked about issue about adhd that deserves more attention?

According to the book Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Dr Russell Barkely, the criteria in the DSM (pre-DSM V at least?) was written with children in mind. Adult ADHDers may present a bit differently, and they symptom threshold is slightly lower. He even said that a lot of studies supported that an adult could have a minimum of 4 out the 9 symptoms in either category and still count for a diagnosis.

3. do you have any comorbidities?

Anxiety, seasonal depression, OCD

4. what is ur adhd subtype?

Ok, official diagnosis is ADHD-C, but I think they’re focusing too hard on my childhood presentation of symptoms. I was def combined as a kid, but I only have like 2 hyperactive symptoms, at most, as an adult. So I’d say that I’m inattentive type.

5. do you have any adhd study tips?

Nope, lmao.

6. what’s ur current/most recent hyperfixation?

Honestly it’s been a while since I last hyperfixated, truly hyperfixated. So I dunno..... might have been Sonic.

7. your most embarrassing/weirdest hyperfixation?

Alvin and the Chipmunks? lol..... though that changed from a hyperfixation to an actual mental-health-damaging addiction, so.....

8. what’s your mbti/enneagram type (sorry it’s my hyperfixation lol)?

INFP :)

9. favorite stim/stim toy?

Ooh, I love my stim toys! Idk.... I recently got like..... a “click and snap” I think? I love it. I also love my fidget cube.

10. any experience with ableism you want to share?

Welllll, plenty of people have Opinions about ADHD I’ll tell you hwat..... but one of the most notable? My mom believes, or used to believe, that it’s a made up disorder to sell pills. I would probably have been diagnosed as a kid if she didn’t have that mindset.

11. did you get a diagnosis? if so when.

Yes, was diagnosed at age 24 in 2018.

12. do any of your relatives have adhd?

My bio father was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6! This was like.... in the 1970′s. Honestly, I suspect my mom has it, too. She’s always losing things! And is always late for everything! And she says that my grandma was just like that, too!

13. any good adhd/neurodiverse representation recommendations in media?

I dunno. I heard Percy Jackson uses ADHD almost like a superpower. But I don’t read that series, so.

14. that one character you just KNOW has adhd?

I actually kinda think Neptune from Hyperdimension Neptunia probably has ADHD.

15. do you have sensory issues?

To a degree, yes. I think I experience sensory overload at work. When it’s busy and crowded, I feel physically unwell. Like my body is buzzing. It’s terrible. I also can’t wear socks, they are uncomfortable!! The texture feels bad on my skin!!

16. i can’t believe i almost forgot this question do you take meds, and what is your relationship with meds (whether you’re on them or not)?

Looking into medication! I want to see if they’ll help me.

17. kinda weird question but do you think being neurodivergent had any affect on how you figured out/are figuring out your gender/sexuality (if you are lgbtq+)?

Probably not. (I’m bi-angled grey-aroace.)

18. what’s the hardest thing about having adhd?

Honestly..... knowing that I have such a hard time dealing with anything without external structure. And feeling like it’s very likely I’ll end up homeless one day, because of that. It’s classified as a developmental disability for good reason.

19. what’s the best thing about have adhd (if there is one)?

Well, it’s not all bad, for sure. I think it makes me who I am! I would be a completely different person without it! My mind is funny, too.

20. what is the biggest difference you notice in friendships with other neurodiverse people vs neurotypical people?

Hard to say.

21. if you could tell everyone on tumblr with adhd one thing what would it be?

Remember you are valuable and loved!

#collie speaks

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