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whenimaunicorn · 3 years

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Playing House - Part 13.1

Summary: Ivar clarifies your role, and Hvitserk reaps all the benefits. Words: 2588 Notes: Content Warnings for bondage (possibly uncomfortable), BDSM humiliation and dirty talk, orgasm control, roleplayed dub/noncon (now that the relationships are established I’m going to remind you less often that they’ve already negotiated consent and safety measures).

Previous posts: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

(Fic begins below the cut because it starts off with a bang, baby)

In your current predicament, the world has narrowed down to two things. The vulnerability of your body, and the total neediness of your cunt.

The two are most certainly related. Ivar is not one to make idle threats. When he told you over the phone that he believed you deserved punishment . . . it seems that he had immediately started making plans.

You’re alone, now, helpless on your own bed. Of course, it’s Hvitserk’s bed, this week. Ivar has bound your wrists to your ankles, and pointed you with your spread legs aimed right at the door. The open door.

What a sight Hvitserk is going to see when he walks in.

“You know you deserve this,” Ivar had said, trussing you up with methodical fingers. The way that he took your clothes from you, you’re not sure you’re going to get them back until Hvitserk’s no longer in town. “You had freedom, and you wasted it. Now you have to understand that you are here for our pleasure. Not the other way around. This pussy,” he said, giving it a sudden rub followed by a quick slap, “is here for our use. So . . . I’m not letting you use anything else for a little while.”

Your hands are tied to the insides of your ankles. You can try closing your legs, but your thighs won’t come quite back together with your arms bound right there in the way. Lying on your back as you are, the slit of your swollen pussy lips would still be visible between your raised legs to anyone standing in the doorway anyway. So why bother.

He had assured you that he would make sure Hvitserk “stumbled in” fairly soon, before you got too stiff in this humiliating pose. But you’re sure he’s going to stretch out the suspense as long as he thinks you can handle it.

You rock your body anyway, fruitlessly seeking just a little relief. After opening you up, Ivar had carefully applied a liberal helping of lube all over your pussy, inside and out. “I want you wet and ready for him.” A bullet vibrator came next, positioned carefully on top of your clit by a small shibari harness wrapped around your upper thighs and waist. “I am not turning this up high enough to make you come,” he said, matter-of-factly. “You are not to come until your punishment is over. This is here merely to keep you focused.”

And fuck, are you focused. You’re cursing yourself for allowing Ivar to learn your body so well, to know just exactly how high he can turn up the vibration without pushing you over the edge. And the pattern, fuck, that pulsing, wavelike rrrm, Rrrm, RRRM is damned hypnotic. You can’t possibly ignore it. And yet you want to sob every time the wave crests too soon, the intensity dropping well before the tension building between your thighs has anywhere to go.

An even more powerful thrill rushes through your body as you hear movement at the door. Lifting your head from the mattress, you see Hvitserk’s eyes widen, his steps arrested on his way into the room. He does a doubletake before his brain can fully process the obscenity he’s truly seeing in front of him. He glances back down the hallway, then slides inside and shuts the door with a shark’s smile spreading across his face.

“You seem to be kind of stuck, Y/N.” His eyes roam over the backs of your thighs, and what’s on display in between. There’s no way not to feel completely, horribly exposed to him. It’s so hot you’re probably about to start dripping all over the sheets. “Can I help you?”

You look him right in the eyes. “I need to be fucked.”

“Oh yeah?” he asks, settling down on his knees beside the bed, definitely not lining up to drive himself into you like you so desperately need.

“Yeah.” You nod, quickly. “I need it bad.”

You arc and whine when Hviterk’s fingers slide around your opening, gliding between your outer and inner lips. “You’re wet enough for me to believe you.” The pads of his fingers dip inside, but only shallowly, stretching the rim of your opening in a wide swirl.

“Fuck,” you sob. That’s a lot of entirely unsatisfying stimulation right there. You need to feel filled up, not stretched out. “Please, Hvitserk. I’m here for your use, so use me, fuck me, put me out of my misery.” You have crane your neck to make eye contact with him, looking down the line of your body and between your own legs.

His eyes are dark as he stares at your naked and readied body, which shudders with the strength of your need. His eyes flit up to the ropes that bind each ankle to a wrist. “Ivar did this?”

“Yes.”

His fingers slide along the thinner cord tying the vibrator down onto your clit.

“He said it’s my lesson. I need you to fuck me until I learn.” Having to explain this to Hvitserk somehow makes your predicament all the hotter.

Hvitserk moves in closer, until you can see his face between your ankles and don’t have to contort your neck so badly anymore. “That’s what Ivar wants.” His softly scratchy voice adds weight and intimacy to his words. “But what do you want?”

His fingers are still just teasing, up and down and around your entrance. He hasn’t even taken his dick out. “Fuck! Did he send you in here to test me or something?” You’re starting to feel desperate. “This isn’t about obedience, Hvitserk. I need to be used. I want it this way. I-I just want you to fuck me like a toy.”

“That’s it?” he asks, a wicked gleam flashing through his deep-set eyes. “All this” he gestures at your body “is just here for me to play with?”

“Uh huh.”

He grins and nips at your inner thighs, and finally presses two of those long fingers into your pussy.

You throw your head back and keen your pleasure.

He toys with you, for a while. The relief of friction, of satisfying depth and pressure, starts to give way to fear that he might accidentally push you into orgasm before Ivar had permitted it. That hadn’t sounded like it would be such a hard rule to follow, when you thought that Hvitserk was going to come in here like the horny bro he’d been acting like before, and just sink his eager cock straight into you.

But even when there’s no contest to be won, Hvitserk evidently loves getting up close and personal with the pussy. He pulls his fingers out just to bring them to his lips, plunging them into his own mouth to taste you with a little savoring sound as he locks a promising look onto your eyes.

He’s not done. Hvitserk’s fingers slide under the ropes that bind the vibrator against your clit, then he’s pushing them out of his way and removing it.

You sigh, relieved to be free of the temptation and missing it immediately at the same time.

But then Hvitserk’s mouth replaces the device. And this is not just a taste. This is business, the same masterful pace and pressure that won him the contest earlier.

“No . . .” you wail at him, drowning under your own conflicting needs. “No, Hvitserk, Ivar said not to.”

He lifts his head just barely far enough to answer you, so that you can feel his breath against your slick and sensitive parts with every word. “I’m supposed to use you how I want, right? And what I want to do is eat this pussy like a birthday cake.”

“You can’t,” you insist. “I’m not allowed to come!”

He barely hesitates. “But I want you to,” he says, voice breathy and urgent. And he begins another round of his very best work.

There’s not really any other type of ordeal quite like this one. Pleasure blooms, white-hot and urgent, beneath Hvitserk’s tongue, and you can do nothing but grit your teeth and try to push it back. You could use your safeword if this was truly bothering you, Ivar had told you that Hvitserk was informed how that works. But this is a challenge you prefer to ride out, come what may.

You know Ivar well enough to be sure that he’s monitoring this, although you don’t see him darkening the doorway this time when you strain your neck to look. Perhaps he’s waiting just outside the door. Or hell, maybe the walls just are as thin as the boys keep saying. Either way, it makes you want to do him proud. Show him you can endure even this absolutely torturous pleasure, and follow his command despite it.

You manage to hold out, though internally you’re screaming. Your body is clenched in a line of sheer, stubborn tenacity against that insistent rapture when Hvitserk finally gives up, swiping his face with the back of his arm as he stands up. “Fine. Is this what you want?” He pulls out his dick, proud and rock-solid with a bit of a graceful curve toward the tip. He gives himself a crude stroke. “On to the main course, then.”

You sob your victorious agreement.

He grabs a rubber. Ivar had literally left a bowl of condoms right next to you, on top of a guest towel. It doesn’t get much more demeaning than that.

Hvitserk whips his shirt off and then leans over you, ready cock bobbing, and grasps one of your swaying feet in each hand. “This is so fuckin’ hot,” he intones, staring at the ropes. “Can you handle it if I leave you like this while we fuck?”

You let out a shaky breath and agree. You’ll stretch out later. This is, just as Hvitserk said, too fuckin’ hot.

The angle has your hips turned up rather sharply. He misses on his first attempt to enter you, cock slipping off your lubricated lips. He mutters an obscenity and then laughs it off, reaching down to line himself up better with an endearingly self-deprecating smirk.

It’s fun to watch him handle himself. You can’t do much to help the process, your body positioned precisely how Ivar wanted you left, with very little wiggle room. A lock of dirty blonde hair falls into his face as he peers down and lifts up onto his tiptoes to drive himself downward into your body.

It just got real, now. There’s nothing more grounding than an urgent cock pressing deep, deep inside.

Hvitserk leans over you, eyes going wide and tight around the edges as he sinks all the way into your aching pussy. “Fuck, you’re so fucking tight like this.”

Your eyes bulge a little as you agree. This angle makes you feel full as hell.

Hvitserk stares down into your face as he starts moving his hips. That eye contact of his, fuck. You’re not sure how to handle it. Somehow it feels more intimate than the rubbing of your naughty bits together. He fucks down into you with an increasing pace, his lips curling up in a cheeky smile. “This is it, huh?” he glances down, looking at the way your tits bounce between your imprisoned arms, at your upturned cunt swallowing his cock down. “What you were begging for.” He interrupts himself with a sigh and a smile, bites his lip as he repeats an angle that must be particularly good for him.

“Fuck, yes,” you say, relishing the relentless depth of every one of his increasingly-wild strokes. “Use me.”

He puts one knee up on the bed, balancing the movement by wrapping an arm around your raised leg, and deepens the already-maddening intensity of the position. He groans with abandon above you, guttural sounds as he does exactly what you’ve encouraged him to do. You let him rut into you with no concern for anything else at all, neither your comfort or your pleasure. It’s worth it; the rush of this feels better than any soft, candlelit evening you could get out of a partner that was focused only on making you feel good. This is so much more complex; it scratches a deep itch you couldn’t even begin to explain, to let every boy in this apartment use your body according to their own wild and selfish desires.

Hvitserk is going to come soon. You can tell by the way his face is twisting to one side, almost wincing, the pleasure apparent in the wild sparkling of his eyes as he continues to attempt to hold onto your gaze even through all of this. You can hear it in the way his grunting breaths are matching the rhythm of his strokes, and the way his thrusts have gone from fluid to insistent, driving at a tight, brutal angle so deep that you swear he’s going to hit your backbone.

He invokes your name like a curse when he finally blows, drawing it out into a long and ragged sound. He can’t keep his eyes open for that moment, making you feel like you can finally catch your breath just as he’s losing his.

He shudders inside you, sealing himself in deep as he comes down from it. He’s propped his weight onto one hand that presses into the mattress just beside your head, so you don’t have much of anywhere to look aside from his heavy brow as he sags in the air right above you.

This time Ubbe’s not ready and waiting. You can’t see the doorway, but if Ivar’s there he has yet to announce himself. This time Hvitserk gets to stay nestled inside you as long as he wants, and you catch your breaths together.

When he lifts his head, his eyes are glittering with easy mirth and hints of something deeper. You smile back, squeezing your inner arms into contact with his body. It’s the closest to a hug you can do in these restraints.

Hvitserk turns his head, following the line of your arm up to ropes that connect it to your ankle. “Let’s get you out of those,” he says gently. He withdraws his cock with a shaky breath and eases himself back up to standing. “I can’t believe you—” his mouth is set at a wry angle and he shows his awe in a little shake of his head. “I’m sorry I—”

He’s cut off by Ivar’s return, his voice a sharp, loud contrast that instantly shifts the mood. “Leave those, Hvitserk. I will handle that.”

Hvitserk had just been reaching for your ankle. He drops his arm and melts back a bit.

“Did you enjoy my gift?” Ivar asks, stepping in between the two of you. He sets his crutch so he can stand more solidly beside the bed, and looks you over. His eyes crackle with a deep blue fire at whatever mess he sees in your face, and the expanse of your naked skin. When Hvitserk doesn’t give much of a response, Ivar moves to loosen the rope at your closest ankle. “Would you like to help me give her the rest of her punishment now?” He spares one pointed glance for his brother. “You are the wronged party, after all.”

“That wasn’t the punishment.” He looks at Ivar with a raised brow.

“Of course not. She loved that.” Ivar says, matter-of-factly, and then his whole face breaks out in his evilest grin.

Next Chapter

Link to my other Hvitserk fics

#hvitserk/reader #hvitserk/you #hvitserk x reader #hvitserk imagine #hvitserk smut #playing house fic

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paradiselostbythedashboardlight · 3 years

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Quarantine, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Wrote 430,943 Words of Prose in a Year

As we are coming up terrifyingly fast on a full year of quarantine with no end to the pandemic yet in sight for most people, I’ve been taking some time to reflect on the last year of my existence in a state that most people now refer to as quarantine. Since March of 2020, I, like most other sane people in my country, have stopped traveling, going to stores, seeing all but a limited group of other humans, and begun having recurring nightmares about being in crowds without a piece of cloth over my nose and mouth.

Suffice to say, it has been a bit stressful.

The other thing that I have done since COVID-19 began rapidly spreading across the globe last year is write over 430,943 words of fiction.

The number seems insane to me still. That is (approximately) one Gone With The Wind, one entire Lord of the Rings series, or the first four Harry Potter books. That is still sadly not yet War and Peace (but who knows… the pandemic isn’t over yet).

So now that I am looking back, I find myself with one question: how did this happen? Why did I do this? What does this mean about my life this year?

Since apparently I answer best by writing a lot, let’s begin at the beginning. Let me tell you a story. I’ll keep it short, I swear.

Part 1: Blast From the Past

In March of 2020, I was still in the midst of an academic semester. There was a long academic document to write and a class to teach. However, as quarantine abruptly robbed me of most of my usual commitments, I was suddenly thrust into the position of having more time on my hands than I knew what to do with. Consequently, I decided to break out the Nintendo Switch I’d gotten for Christmas and revive a childhood interest in video games.

And boy did I. I played the games I owned for all they were worth. I played them during the evenings when I had no social engagements to attend. I played them during the Zoom meetings I was already struggling to pay attention to. By the end of March, I had finished one game, and it had set the wheels turning in my brain.

Here’s a fact about me: I don’t usually tend to write or read a lot of fanfiction about things that I consider really really good. Basically, fanfiction for me has always been an impulse born from incompletion or imperfection. I see no need to add to a perfect story (although I happily consume and create fanart). But for something enjoyable and yet slightly unsatisfying? That’s fanfic territory, bud.

So by April, I had developed a sort of epic fanfiction for this video game I was playing. It was one of those magnum opus kind of ideas, a grand retelling of the story with a huge sprawling plot and Themes (™).

At first, it was merely a thought experiment that lived only in my head, a sort of entertainment to ponder in the hours before falling asleep. What changed? Well, a friend of mine decided to also write a fanfiction on the same video game and she kindly consented to let me read it.

Suddenly, I was ravenously hungry to read and to write and to share and to consume. I wrote a hundred thousand words of this fanfic in April and into early May, sending each chapter to my friend and being spurred onward by her kind comments.

The fic became a gargantuan endeavor full of strange little challenges I set for myself. It was a canon-divergence, requiring plotting, worldbuilding, a darker and grimer tone. For some reason, I decided to write each chapter from a different character’s perspective, making the final product into a series of essentially short story character studies which together formed a plot.

By the end of May, the story was published for the world to see. It was well-received, although not particularly popular by fandom standards. And that was the end. I had gotten out my pandemic crazies, the semester was over and now I could move on. I had made my peace with the source material, plumbing all of the little details that I wanted to examine and creating a narrative that I found satisfying.

It was over.

Part 2: Summer Lovin?

Except that it wasn’t.

Confession: as I had been posting my giant fanfiction, I had also begun to explore the fan community itself, mostly curious to see some nice art and gather a bit of demographic info about what was popular within the community. As a result, I found a fanfic recommendations page. Among the recommendations was one author who kept popping up and i finally decided to give the fic a read.

Woah. It was good. Like, really good. Like, professional quality writing and themes that seemed designed to appeal to me. I devoured everything that the creator had posted in a week and then subscribed to eagerly wait for more.

As June rolled around, I realized that I had a problem on my hands. My great big gen masterpiece was finished, but this author had gotten me hooked on something else, something with a nefarious reputation online: shipping.

The term du jour for this seems to be “brain worms” so let’s just say that reading other fanworks had given me some brain worms. Inspired this time not just by the source material of the game, but now the fan community itself, my mind began to develop another idea.

I wrote the fic, about 11k, in a single afternoon of frantic writing. When I finished it, I knew it was one of my strongest pieces. It had just come together, a combination of all the thought that I’d been brewing up and a stylistic execution that just worked with the story I wanted to tell.

I posted it on a new account. Shipping seemed vaguely shameful to me still and my mom reads the other account.

To my surprise, the fic blew up. It got so much more attention than my long fic ever had. Even more significantly, a fan artist actually drew a gorgeous comic of the pivotal scene, completely out of the blue! I was essentially thunderstruck. Honestly, it was probably the first time in my life that I’d ever received so much positive reinforcement from a piece of writing.

While I’d written short stories for undergrad workshops, they’d never been particularly good and I’d never gotten particularly great feedback on them. I’d applied and been rejected by more MFAs and literary magazines than I could count. I’d pretty much resigned myself to writing for an audience of me and me alone (which I don’t mean to sound tragic about, writing for you is great and fun!)

But receiving so much support and praise and feeling like I’d made other people happy or sad or moved? There’s nothing better.

This makes my decision to write another fic for the ship sound vaguely cynical, the action of a person driven by an addiction to praise. I mean, no lie, aren’t we all a little addicted to approval?

But my next fic was another long one, an 80k passion project modern AU that I dreamed up while spending a slow summer alone with my books and only able to leave the house for long rambling walks in the woods. The premise was essentially about characters attending a five year college reunion, something that I myself had missed due to COVID in May of the same year. The fic quickly became a way for me to process thoughts on a lot of topics in my life ranging from relationships to politics to mental health to classical literature.

This fic was also received with far more attention than I was used to and, as a result, I finally joined the notorious Twitter dot com where I found people talking about my fic unprompted, eager to follow me and like my every random thought.

I can’t say that this process was not without its ups and downs. Fandom has changed, in many ways for the better, since my last engagement with it during the 2013 Supernatural days on Tumblr. While fan friendships are often idealized or demonized, they are pretty much like any other human friendship (okay, maybe a little bit more horny on main). There is potential for amazing connection as well as pettiness. But in a year where many people suddenly had no social spaces that were safe anymore, I’m glad that I found a new line of communication with the world.

So I kept writing fics for the ship, producing a lot of work that I am genuinely proud of and making connections with other people who enjoyed it enough to leave a comment.

To conclude this section, I was in fandom again. While I had not seriously engaged with a fan community since around 2014, I was back with a vengeance. And I had discovered an important truth about what unlocked my ability to write more than I ever had before: community support.

Not simply the kudos and the views. It was the comments. The discourse. The discussion. To add and contribute my thoughts and ideas to a greater network of thoughts and ideas that fed off of one another.

Often I had seen people complain about there not being enough fanworks for particular media or characters. Now I knew the secret. The comments and the community created the works. If I commented on other people’s fics, the more likely they were to write more. I made a resolution I have tried to keep, to comment on any story that I legitimately enjoyed reading, even if I had no particularly intelligent thing to say about it.

Part 3: A Novel Idea

By late October, I had produced a considering oeuvre for my ship of choice and was enjoying slowing my pace as I planned a few future projects.

Remember, though, how I mentioned not having engaged with fandom for the past 5 years? Well, that didn’t mean I hadn’t been writing.

For the past 4 years, I have won NaNoWriMo and completed 4 novels of over 100k each in length. These projects have been massively fun and improved my confidence with executing stories at the scope that I desire.

And so in November 2020, I settled down to write another novel. November is always a sort of terrible time write a novel if you work in academia, but this year, I had more time than usual. I set out to write a comedy fantasy novel, something mostly lighthearted and full of hijinks in order to pretend away some of the quarantine blues (which by this point were well established in my psyche).

This year in particular, I was reminded that writing a novel is… harder than fanfic. That seems like a very obvious point, but I’d written novels before. Suddenly, though, I was realizing how much a novel requires you to set up the world and the characters, while fanfic can be pretty much all payoff all the time.

While the fanfic flowed in wild creative bursts of energy, the novel required diligence of another sort. I wrote 2,000 words every day for two months. It was a grind. Sometimes, it was a slog.

And sometimes it just wasn't good. The thing about writing your own novels is that the first draft is way more likely to be not good. You’re balancing a lot and it’s easy to let a few balls that you have in the air drop for a chapter or two, with no recourse but to go back and edit later.

I finished the novel by writing a final speedrun of 6k on new years eve, ending my 2020 with another project under my belt. No one has read it. Not even I have reread it.

I’m still glad that I wrote it. I’ll write another one next year. No one will read that one either.

Sometimes, we write for ourselves and no external validation is necessary.

Part 4: Where are they now?

January of 2021 is somehow now behind me, which is terrifying. I’m still writing. Mostly fanfic, although occasionally I go doodle around with some original ideas that are more conceptual sketches for the next novel.

As for the fanfic, I think I still have a few more good ideas left in me, but I will probably leave it behind before the year is out. That feels a little bittersweet, a sort of temporary burst of fun and friendship that I wonder if I’ll ever experience again.

Coming to the end of this reflection, I suppose I should make a summative statement about what it all means.

In the end, it might not mean a lot. There are some small takeaways.

It turns out that encouragement makes you write more! Who knew? Also, more free time makes you write more! Wow!!!!

The point that I think this reflection exercise has shown me, the point that I think matters more than any other, is that writing is a way to process my thoughts. Even if it is through the lens of ridiculous video game fanfic or novels about sad wizards, my writing is my way to make sense of my own mind.

And sharing that is special. If you share it with online strangers, with your family on Christmas Eve, with your close friend who has become even closer and dearer to you since she let you read her work, or just with your mom (the one personal legally required to read your damn novel if you want to share it). To share writing is to give someone a little peek at your beliefs about the world.

And right now? When we’re still isolated and bored and scared and in desperate need of distraction? Binge some TV, play Nintendo, read a book. Take in other people’s thoughts.

But put down your own somewhere as well. It’s a conversation.

And for once, it’s a conversation that doesn’t have to take place on fucking Zoom.

#writing #personal rambling #fanfiction

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defdaily · 4 years

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[TRANSLATION] HIGH CUT Magazine August 2017 issue - JJ PROJECT: You are my destiny

High Cut 203 July 2017 JJ PROJECT : You are my destiny

Translated by igot7_markp

B-boy Lim Jaebeom and Park Jinyoung from Jinhae met for the first time in 2009. It happened during JYP Entertainment 5th public trainee recruitment audition in Seoul. Two boys, whose registration numbers stood one after another as 24th and 25th, were able to leave behind 10 thousand people and get the first place together for the first time in the history. They debuted in drama "Dreamhigh 2" together, released album as JJ Project, promoted with group GOT7 and their hearts literally beat in synch. After 5 years JJ Project came back again. Now in their twenties. JB and Jinyoung, who were involved in producing music and writing lyrics for all 8 songs, stayed humble throughout the interview, but also slightly radiated self-confidence and ambitions. Story of two men, whose side profiles look alike, and who without regrets dedicated themselves to everything, without highlighting specific point but concentrating on every single one at once.

LIM JAEBEOM

Our indestructible relationship with Jinyoung is that kind of relationships, when later you'll be side by side even under the gravestone

Q: After 5 years JJ Project's still staying together and released album on July, 31. You uploaded on homepage "track cards" where you personally read one line from the songs you've written yourself. "Fade Away" lyrics was the really strong ones. "Always shutting my mouth, claiming it's love, you make me forget what kind of person I am" – is it something you've experienced?

JB: Both experience and imagination. First song's theme is the one that always big and common – "thing that bothers me". Sinking into that theme, I wrote basing both on my experience and imagination.

Q: You have been involved in producing and writing all 8 tracks. Which song one was the hardest to write?

JB: "Icarus" and out title track "Tomorrow, Today". Even though the theme of "Icarus" was clear picking right words were hard, therefore I had really a lot of worries. In the beginning when I started working on "Tomorrow, Today" I wasn't entirely sure what I should write about. Park Jinyoung PD-nim cleared it out for me. But for me it's more important to think of what I wanted to write when I've just listened to the music (for the first time). It was difficult to write lyrics about feelings you have, standing on the crossroad not sure of the choice you should make, so people of my age can empathize with it.

Q: I heard that the first thing you do in the morning after getting up is reading three lines from the book out loud? Seems like regular reading also helps you with writing.

JB: Ah, this is completely in the past. (laughing hard) Now as soon as I open my eyes in the morning I'm feeding the cats.

Q: Thinking of it, you own three, right? Nora, Koonta and Odd. Actually I was wondering if those scratches on your arms are cat's work.

JB: That's right. But scratches are not from the cat I own but from the stray cat. I was feeding stray cats and decided to slightly touch them. (smiles) When I walk down the street and meet cats, I don't want to scare them and just quickly go to the nearby convenient store and buy can of tuna to feed them. I also make sure that some food is remained. Because this is the only thing I can do for them.

Q: Seems like you are "Cat's Butler" to the core. I heard you had to be apart with your beloved Nora but now you are back together.

JB: Yes. In fact, originally all GOT7 members used to live together in one dorm, but now a few people moved out. In the beginning I shared the room with Youngjae and it suddenly appeared that kid is allergic to cats. That's why I asked members to change room arrangement a little bit, but all of them refused. (smiles) So I had to leave Nora in the other place for a while. When members moved out and each of us had separate room, I brought her back and she recognized me. When parents drove Nora back to me, she kept crying in the car. But as soon as I appeared in the car and said "Hi, Nora" she stopped crying immediately.

Q: No one wanted to change the rooms with their charismatic leader? (smile)

JB: I gave up a lot. (smile) I'm not sunbae for children, it's more like we are people of the same age group who are working on music together. But I'm really straightforward. That's why when I'm going around in conversation, I'm not sure children understand it and it feels awkward. So instead I'm just extremely cautious, when I talk.

Q: During JJ Project promotion you put GOT7's leader role slightly aside, right? To be honest it's kind of relieving, isn't it?

JB: It is. Really relieving. But I still have another burdens. Two people need to cover space that was filled with 7 people. Since me and Jinyoung don't have really entertaining character, I am worrying a lot if it will be too serious.

Q: I found an interview you gave when you started first activities. Back then it was 19 years old JB. You were asked to describe your teen years in one word and that word was "secret". How about JB's twenties?

JB: I'm still 24. For now, if you ask me, the word is "Vain". There are people who say that you shouldn't think too much and enjoy the time during your twenties, but if I think twice, I think I could have done a little bit better. If to say concretely, I could have been more careful and smart – and now it's a pity.

Q: But after debut you continuously worked hard. After JJ Project you filmed in "Dreamhigh 2" and then after GOT7 debut you promoted quite successfully.

JB: I'm just like that. I often think only about regretting things. With this album, too, when I listened it fully and finished mastering, I felt unsatisfied. "I could have done a little bit better. It's already late to fix it, right?" – this is what I was thinking about. (smile) I put efforts not to lose the heart I had in the beginning (rookie mindset).

Q: If you started to talk about rookie days, as I remember, you were a b-boy before becoming a JYPE trainee, right? I heard during each practice you only ate 1000 won worth vegetable crackers.

JB: Ah, back then we didn't have practice room, so we practiced in metro station. Since I was a student I didn't have money, but because I danced a lot I got hungry fast. Three packs of vegetable crackers costed 1000 won at that time, so I ate them as the refreshment.

Q: You applied for JYP auditions and shared first place with Jinyoung-ssi, right? Then you debuted together as JJ Project, filmed together in "Dreamhigh 2", made it together to GOT7 and now you are coming back as a duet once again. Your relationships must be really indestructible.

JB: Yes, they really are!! Seems like we will be side by side even under the gravestone. (laughs hard) I accidentally saw what fans write. How I do something or Jinyoung does something and we are copying each other's moves exactly in the same way. Unconsciously.

Q: In 2012 interview to the question "JJ Project's position?" you replied "Bottom". Now?

JB: Still bottom. Even though we gained some proficiency, after being left for 5 years I think we need to consider it as starting from the bottom again. The music that was there 5 years ago and music that is coming out now is significantly different. And there are so many skillful singers in the music world nowadays. (smile)

Q: Then I will change my question. Till what floor you want to go up during this promotions?

JB: Hm…If there are 10 floors, I guess till 3,5? The situation when you have already passed the third floor and on your way to the fourth?

Q: Is there a tip you want to give to fans so they can enjoy this album more?

JB: I can't recommend anything. Please, check everything. We put a lot of effort in it. Not only into music, but also into other things. In order to our face and body not look fat, we skipped dinners and got slimmer. (smile) We paid a lot of attention to everything – starting from music video and finishing with clothes. Even when we left the studio we kept sending and receiving ideas via mail, so songs would become even better. We really worker hard. So, please, check everything. (smile)

PARK JINYOUNG

"The day" is the song, I wrote in the plane, when I listened to music and started longing for parents

Q: When decision regarding JJ Project was done, how did you feel?

JY: I honestly asked the company: why now of all time? Since I though there a lot of things we had to accomplish as GOT7. Then I received reply from company that we would represent GOT7 and show people the different color of the group, so it would help GOT7 to grow more. I was infatuated with this answer. (smile)

Q: I guess during album preparations you have also felt how much you have improved yourself.

JY: Somehow comparing to us 5 years ago, we allow yourself more. Ah, and my throat stopped aching. When we prepared first album, my voice broke and also I didn't sing a lot. I only did rap and sang occasionally so my voice had gone. This time my voice cords definitely became stronger. I feel like I found comfortable tone for my voice.

Q: I heard the lyrics you have written are poetic. Especially, "Coming Home" lyrics. "When the emptiness passes, the cold wind blows. When the longing passes, the spring rain falls"…

JY: This is the lyrics I wrote in the airplane while listening to New Age's song. Suddenly I missed my parents so much and felt really melancholic. So I wrote down what my heart felt. When we composed album I found the song that suited those lyrics a lot.

Q: Looking at lyrics, team colors changed significantly after 5 years.

JY: I think it's just two opposites. It's been really bright back then. This time it's a light-beat youth song, which we can sing and dance to.

Q: Which song is your favorite?

JY: My solo song "The Day". I wrote the story I wanted to tell a lot. I can explain what this song is about in one sentence: "That day, when I thought everything was good, that day, when it went away from me so easily and it felt like the world will crumble down, it's vanishing like it was nothing". I live with the thought that things I always liked aren't really good things and things I disliked aren't really bad things. No matter how great the sadness or happiness was, after 1 year the memories of it will start vanishing.

Q: When you read the lyrics you've written yourself, haven't it made you embarrassed or cringe?

JY: I did it with one thought. "I must do it. I can only go home after I finish it smoothly. I have no time. I need to go (home) fast". (smile)

Q: I found an interview that you gave after debut in 2012. In it you explained your teen years as "Preparation". How will you explain your twenties in one word?

JY: Twenties are "Warm-up". (Isn't it and teen years' description same?) Undoubtedly different. Making analogy with health, teen age is like changing clothes. Twenties is like exercising on running machine and riding the bicycle to make your body slightly hot. Since I'm only 24, I haven't "sweated" yet. I guess sweat will appear at 29.

Q: In that interview you talked really detailed about your ideal type. "I'd like if she has something to say when we're sitting in a café and talking. And I wish her face would be natural. Even if she does something to it, it should still be natural in my eyes. I like big eyes and well-defined features. No fringe, just long natural hair falling down her spine. About clothes – just jeans, shirt and converse".

JY: I remember why I said this. It was influenced by Shin Minah sunbaenim's "My girlfriend is a nine-tailed fox". Whenever I receive questions about my ideal type, I describe main heroine from the film or drama I watched and was impressed by. That's why I don't have ideal type now – I didn't watch love story movies recently. (smile) Although I watch movies a lot.

Q: Your hobby is "watching movies alone".

JY: I watched 5 movies over the last few days. "Dunkirk", "Hedwig", "Amazing Spiderman", "My love" and one more. "Dunkirk" is like three part space novel, that cross each other. I like it even more because it has short running time. I cried watching "My love". It's a real story, so tears come out naturally. I'm happy when I watch movies alone. You can fully concentrate not caring about others. And also each time I watch movies I talk to myself. When character does something disappointing, I'm saying: "Aigoo, why are you like that?". I can't do something like this in front if others. (smile)

Q: Even being really busy you find time to watch movies. Do you master your acting?

JY: I really watch it without any thoughts; though people say you should go to study while watching. (smile) No matter how good actor plays, it's not easy to analyze acting. I also visited Pixar Animation exhibition recently.

Q: When you come around don't people recognize you?

JY: When they recognize they are like "It's Jinyoung, right?" and I reply "Right, but sheesh". They recognize me, but since they are not fans, they don't follow me. (smile)

Q: You are constantly busy with one thing or another. You played a role of university student who haven't had girlfriend even once and dreams of becoming a civil worker in 2017 web-drama "Magic School" produced by JYP Pictures, right? The shooting has just finished. It's the first time you play twenty-years old, isn't it?

JY: It is. Even if it's an act, I liked to experience the living of ordinary 20-year-old. Thing I envy the most is an opportunity to live with your family under one roof. It's been a year since I last visited my parent's home.

Q: I visited fan-café on my way (to the interview). You pay a lot attention to fans, so they gave you a nickname "Fan-Jal-Al" (the one, who knows fans). When I looked through SNS, what caught my eyes is that whenever GOT7 fans went to the trips they dress their official goods' dolls "GOTOON" and make prove shots with it. Have you known about it?

JY: No, really? (Manager: You haven't seen even once?) Since I don't use SNS, I didn't know at all. Wah, I'm so sorry right now. Sincerely, thank you. Even though traveling is the time for yourself, they are even going all the way long to bring GOTOONs and dress them. Once the interview finishes, I will search and take a look for sure. When I go for a trip, I will also take a picture with goods and upload it.

Q: Fans highly anticipates JJ Project's comeback. 5 years ago when you were asked "What is JJ Project's position?", you replied "20th floor underground". In your opinion till what floor you will be able to climb with this album?

JY: 5th ground floor? Because on the 5th floor JYP management office is located. Our company's top floor. (laugh hard) I don't have regrets about this album. We have done everything we could. We put our stories in it. Please, enjoy it a lot.

Translated by @igot_markedby7

Interview and photos scans - @GGOONERR_

#got7 #GOT7 JB #GOT7 JAEBEOM #GOT7 INTERVIEW #GOT7 TRANS #JB INTERVIEW #JB TRANS #JAEBEOM INTERVIEW TRANS #DEFDAILYinterview

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no-identification-required · 4 years

Text

I wanted to say...

I had a very important realization today, and I felt the need to share it. I feel it’s something that applies to you, as well as to me. So please, think about what I have to say as thoroughly as you can, learn what you will from it, and derive your own opinion about it. I will not comment on this, beyond the initial post, and as such will not argue with or attempt to refute any comments made here, and I ask that the same respect be given to any who do choose to share their views as well. I want everyone to feel free and comfortable to share their own views and associated experiences.

All that being said, id like to start by saying this is an issue I’ve been struggling with for a long time. Nearly a decade.

You see, I had a grandfather who I loved to death, he was awesome and super funny, and he was my favorite. We were really close. He was a war vet, and he taught me a lot about things like courage and honor. If he ever saw a man or woman in uniform he would go out of his way to do something kind for them, thank them for their service, pay for their meal, etc. He was a good man.

He was not without his flaws though. He was a bit perverted, and nearly all his choice films and shows had sex and nudity. So, even though he was pretty good about not indulging when I was around. When I was 11, I started to notice what movies and things he had around the house, and I got curious. So I got on google on his computer in the basement.

That’s how it started. An addiction that I have been struggling to overcome for the last decade of my life. I know some would argue that porn and masturbation aren’t bad things necessarily. They even would argue that such behavior is normal and healthy. So I’d like to explain why it’s a bad thing, in my experience.

You see, it’s not just that it’s offensive to women or contrary to the will of God or whatever you’re used to hearing, even though those things may be true. The reality of the matter, in my experience, is that it is destroying me.

What started as simple curiosity became an obsession. I kept going back, looking for more, and back then, being 11, I wasn't very sneaky, I didn't know how to delete search history etc. So I got caught fairly easily and quickly. As a consequence, my behavior stopped for a time.

Fast forward a couple years, and curiosity gets the better of me again, only this time, I'm smarter about it. Sneakier. I had heard about kids at school who knew how to delete browser histories, so I figured it out for myself. Once I knew how to get away with it, it was too much of a temptation to see if I actually could. To test it out.

It did work. For years no one knew what I was doing. I knew it was bad, based off of my parents reaction when they found out the first time, but I didn't realize it was a destructive and addictive behavior. I started to struggle more at school, as I was dedicating less and less time to school work and more and more time to self gratifying behaviors. That's the thing, it such a powerful stimulus that it trains the brain to seek out any forum of gratification it can find, and that drive begins to take priority. Over school, over friends, over family.

I was becoming a worse person, and around the age of 15- 16 I realized that. I decided I wanted to stop. I realized my behavior was disgusting. That what I was doing was not something I wanted to be doing anymore, and who I was be coming was not in line with my goals. So that was the decision I made. No more porn, no more masturbation. I was gonna quit cold turkey.

But my resolve lasted a couple of days, maybe, and I feel back into the same habits and behavior. I struggled to overcome for weeks, which would turn into months, with little victories measured in streaks of a few days at most.

That's when I got scared. I realized it was something I couldn't beat on my own, but there was so much shame and guilt in that. So much shame in what I was doing, so much shame in the inability to stop. I was ashamed of my weakness. Other boys could control themselves, why couldn't I? I couldn't imagine what my mom would think, or how she would react if she found out. Or any of my fríliends and family for that matter. I felt so hopeless and helpless. That despair... It was dark. My self-confidence took a massive hit. I stopped looking at myself as a normal fun loving guy, and started seeing a failure, a weakling, a pathetic and disgusting excuse for a person.

Finally, I broke. I needed to talk, I needed help. So I told my mom, and bless her soul she was there for me. She didn't disown me or think any less of me, she was ready and willing to help, and after many tears I knew I would never, ever, do it again. I asked her to change the passwords on the computer, and to take away my phone. Until I felt I could be trusted again..

And it worked...

For a whole 3 and a half weeks.

Turns out, after years of exposure to explicit videos and images, you don't need access to any materials. They're imprinted on your mind, and you can't get rid of them.

You can't escape them.

And, in my case, they were far more powerful than I was.

That's another thing. No one ever warns you how addictive this stuff is. I remember as a child in elementary school they had this program where they taught us about drugs and alcohol and how bad they were and how the best thing to do was to never take or try those things In the first place because it was destructive and could kill us. I made a promise in my little, innocent heart that I would never touch those things, because I knew I would become addicted and it would hurt me and those I love. To date I have been faithful to that promise made by that little guy.

But no one said anything about porn. I didn't even know what that was, let alone that it is so addictive, yet accessible. More acceptable to some, then drugs and alcohol, because, at least you can't O.D. On porn right? It can't kill you, right? So by that logic, it's harmless, and it's ok.

What no one ever says though, what no one ever mentions is the self loathing that comes with it. That crippling self hate and doubt, that leads to anxiety and depression. No one mentions how it feels when you realize one day you'll have to look in your wives' eyes and tell her. No one ever tells you to think about what that pain I her eyes will look like, or how that will affect your relationship. No one ever taught me that it may not stop my heart, but it would kill who I was and who I wanted to be.

I used to be outgoing and charismatic. A natural leader of sorts. Now, I struggle to forum friendships, and when I walk into a room I hide in a corner, trying not to be noticed. Now when I'm walking down the street and I see a cute girl, instead of smiling and waving I look away in shame, feeling like a pervert and a creep for just thinking she looks nice. I fear she'll see me for what I am.

Heck, I can't even trust myself on a date. I haven't had my first kiss because I'm afraid that if I let myself do anything actually physical that I won't be able to stop myself. If I can't stop myself with a phone how could I stop myself with a real person?

Yeah, no one tells you that. At least, not til it's far far too late.

When I was 17 I was back I to the full swing of things, my mom had given me the password to the computer again, and a brand new smartphone, and I was worse than I had ever been. Thats when I read an article about how porn kills love. Apparently, with all the dopamine and hormones and chemicals involved, it creates more receptors for such things, creating an insatiable appetite. One that is unsatisfied by the real deal. So, a person who uses porn is chemically unable to experience real sex and love the same way a non porn user does. It's because we become accustomed to similar sensations, and so we seek harder and harder stuff to continue getting the same essential "high."

When I read that, a little part of me died. I could no longer even love my future wife and family as I ought to be able to do. As they deserve. Because I'm too weak. Too undisciplined. Too irresponsible. Too...

The list goes on, and the hate goes deeper.

I lost all hope.

I lost all semblance of hope of becoming the kind of person I had always dreamed to be.

When I was 18 going on 19, things changed. I gripped more firmly to my religion, and dedicated myself to studying and teaching for a couple of years, and the process wasn't immediate, but after the 1st year or so, I finally did it. I got clean. I was free!

I felt more happy than I had in a long time, more confident. I felt strong. I felt like a real man. I started stepping up again and doing more leader-like things. I was disciplined, smart, and capable. I had a real hope for my future again for the first time in nearly half my short life span.

It was glorious.

And it ended, hard, and suddenly.

When I finally came back to the real world, in preparation for college and things, all that self control and strength and confidence crumbled apart like a dry cake within a couple of weeks.

Because I started using again.

For the life of me I couldn't understand it. How could I be so weak? So stupid? So utterly incapable? God had given me freedom, had forgiven me, had given me strength, and I threw it away like it was trash.

How can my actions, to date, be so contrary to my ideals? To my wishes and desires?

I pray and beg for freedom. To be changed. To be better. To be who God wants me to be. Surely he has all power, and he wants me to stop as much as I do, if not more so, so why doesn't he intervene and do something? Anything?

I feel like I've done all I can do in my power, so isn't this the point he's supposed to step in and save the day???

My prayers, my questions, went unanswered.

Until today.

I went to my first day of college religious institute. I missed the actual first day. I was struggling to find the class and as the time for the class approached, and I still wasn't finding it, I got really, really, scared. Some form of anxiety, but I was worried about where I would sit. If I came in late all the seats would be taken and I couldn't sit somewhere where I wouldn't be noticed. Instead, if I went in late, everyone would look at me, and I'd be forced to sit next to people I don't know. So I chickened out 5 minutes before the class, figured I'd be far too late once I actually found it, and left.

I felt defeated, cowardly, weak, and angry at myself. Not that any of that is new.

But then today I tried again, I figured through process of elimination where the room more or less ought to be, and I got in early and got a good seat in the back corner.

When the teacher started class he started talking about God as the great Creator and designer of all things, stuff very familiar to me. He talked about God's attention to detail and his love of variety etc. Then he flipped it on us, talked about how God created us and how we are each masterpieces in progress. But then he said something, something that caused the entire world for me to pause. Something that clicked. Something that filled me with a little spark of hope.

What he said is the following quote from a former religious world leader, Thomas S. Monson

"God left us the world unfinished for man to work his skill upon. He left the electricity in the cloud, the oil in the earth. He left the rivers unbridged and the forests unfelled and the cities unbuilt. God gives to man the challenge of raw materials, not the ease of unfinished things. He leaves the pictures unpainted and the music unsung and the problems unsolved, that man might know the joys and glories of creation."

And something whispered to me. God sometimes leaves me unfinished, especially in this case. Sure, he could finish this work, but what would that do? Make a righteous little minion? No, he has a better plan than that. He wants me to feel the joy of this victory, of figuring out how to use the tools he's provided to shape myself. He'll help me and guide me, I'm sure, but he's also excited and anxious to see how and what I'll do to win this fight of mine.

He hasn't abandoned me, he doesn't hate me for what I have become or what I have done.

Rather, he has trusted me with a job. A challenge. A problem to be solved. So once I'm done, I'll be someone who was strong enough to actually win this fight. Smart enough to solve the problem. Brave enough to do what it takes.

So, I'm still unfinished. I've still got a problem. But there's a little spark of hope, heck, even a little excitement as I think, how will I do it? Maybe it will take therapy, maybe I'll meet someone who will teach me a thing or two, who knows? God does apparently, and that's comforting, because yes, I've got a monster of a problem, but I've got God's assistance and trust to make something of myself.

I felt compelled to share this. I feel someone might need to hear this. I'm still in the thick of things, but I've found a hope. So maybe there's someone out there who's in the same situation, looking for that same hope.

I pray this finds them because maybe, just maybe, this might be the whole purpose behind all of this.

Thank you for reading, I know it was long, but I do feel it is important. All of the views here are of course, from my own limited experience, and many may disagree with a number of things I have said. That is ok. This is simply my story, which is not yet over. I certainly have much left to learn.

But I do hope that something in what I have written will be of benefit to you, as a lesson, or a warning, or at least an example of some kind.

God bless you my friends.

#deepthought #important #foreveryone #psa

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arkus-rhapsode · 5 years

Text

My Hero Academia Chapter 208 Review

So this chapter might’ve made a few people a little upset, but others really happy. Well its time to ask if that if any dislike is warranted or was this a good chapter? ...I mean its about Bakugou so that already is a hit or miss with some people. But whatever, I’m going to look at this audience splitting chapter under my critical lense

We open where we left off, with Bakugou having saved Jirou from the ambush by Kamakiri. Also it’s worth noting here that Kamakiri is actually blocking Bakugou’s attack with the blade he had previously grown from his arm and a new one from his leg to form a blocking stance. Its a small detail, but its actually really cool because lets face it, growing blades from you is a pretty bland power. So I do like when Horikoshi does go out of his way to show us the applications of one’s ability regardless of how simple or weird it is.

Also it seems that Bakugou during his rant to his team mentioned he’d protect them if they were targeted. I guess that’s what they were so shocked over in chapter 206′s ending. Also it makes that whole scene of them all doubting him a bit more stronger cause he was acting like something contradictory to what he’d said he’s do.

So Kamakiri retreats and I want to mention this now because I’ll talk about it later, but class 1-B is acknowledging that Bakugou is far too strong in this chapter and that’ll be important.

Also with Monoma freaking out over Bakugou’s character development, it’s important to realize the ones who are standing up for Kirishima, who its pretty expected given how he feels about Bakugou. And Kaminari who in the liscene exam, saved Bakugou and instead of him being indignant, Bakugou helped K.O. Shishikura. Kirishima has acknowledged that Bakugou was capaple of saving people like every potential hero, but this is the first time he really did it to save someone and not for simple victory.

And this is the big crux of this chapter, Bakugou’s development. Its important to note that Bakugou is supposed to be the incarnation of victory as vocalized by Deku. But what’s held him back in things like their first exercise is that he refuses to work together with people. So while he is still strong and managees to beat down whoever he’s fighting, his neglection of teamwork and the point of the purpose of the exerciser always came to set him back. But now, hee’s going to work with his team and is accepting nothing less than a perfect victory.

Though I’m going to be honest, I liked it that class 1-b was the only one with a clean sweep victory because even if they didn’t win the entire day, they’d still have that as a win. But this is Bakugou so he’s gotta not lose a single person or else its “not enough saving...”

We see into what Tokage’s plan was, that they figured that Bakugou is without a doubt thee ace in the hole, and going up against him one-on-one was no option for them. But given his persoanlity and strength, the teeam will follow him and likely get sick of his bullshit if he becomes exacerbated. So they plan on a hit and run strategy very similar to Vegeta vs the androids who keep peaing out every time he started to talk. Y’know... Bakugou is really just a tiny Vegeta now that I think about it.

Also, conspicuous zoom up on Sero shows he’s putting the pieces together with what Tokage’s quirk.

Bakugou follows Bondo only to be ambushed by Awase. Another little sidenote is that Deku comments on his stealth skill, which was something he was very surprised by when he fought Toga-Camie.

Awase binds up Bakugou with his quirk, but Bakugou knows this won’t hold him.

Yep Satou actually works with Bakugou to free him and returns to chasing Awase. I also like to mention that with both Shouji and Satou’s new abilities, ORA ORA ORAing, your opponent counts as a special move.

Awase is getting chased down by Bakugou, so he decides to brace himself with a steel plat welded to his face-That’s dumb! Like I get the idea, but given Bakugou’s strength level, there is no doubt he could dent that metal similar to Kendou. And putting that right up to your face just seems bad stupid.

Well, Bakugou doesn’t actually take this chance to punch him, instead he propels himself up and...

Sero and Jirou showed up and Bakugou even acknowledged that they could help him. Which is making me really question why they freaked out when they heard his strategy. Seems pretty balanced, for Bakugou I mean. Jirou takes out Awase by giving him a blast of surround sound. Proably has lost his hearing for a good time too.

Anyway, Bakugou caught up with Bondo and as you can probably guess, glue doesn’t fair too well against explosions.

So Awase and Bondo are captured and Monoma doesn’t seem to understand how Bakugou “mellowed out.” well here’s the thing, Bakugou is still an angry and easy to agitate person, but he’s not mean spirited in his anger. Most of his anger is a feature rather than say, him in chapter one where he condescended down to his entire class and told Deku to kill himself. He still gets mad, but as a person he’s become better. Its also important to realize that he too, is trying to be number one hero, and he won’t fall behind Deku, so if the only thing stopping him from getting that license was saving people, then he’ll adapt. He’ll learn how to save others. And he isn’t like Momo who’s hang up is persistent throughout the series, Bakugou is someone for as shitty as he can act, is a prodigy, so when he applies himself, he is that much better and quicker at learning.

Now Tokage says that the plan was basically Bakugou leads and the others would follow, but then find that moment of them following, and then break them down without Bakugou’s help. But the team is compensating for being “perfect.” But I have to disagree with that. The team isn’t perfect, so much as they are capable of acting on their own. An important difference that was brought up between the classes last chapter was how organized class 1-b is compared to 1a. But that has its own issue with the fact that class 1-b is so organized by their leader that they are basically all pieces on a board being moved around. Kendou’s team did exactly as she said and by doing so they had set up a strategy they had their victory ensured. Honenuki’s team followed what he was saying, but then when Pony was left standing, she had to come up with her own strategy after her leader lost. As we see in this fight, Tokage’s plan and organization isn’t bad, but it wasn’t capable of thinking that her opponents would act in such a way.

So there is both good and bad to having an organized team, like Kendou’s when the strategy works out or with Tokage who we will see made a bad call and is now suffering not being able to recover from it. Basically, its not that team Bakugou is so good, its more, Tokage came up with a bad plan.

(Also Bakugou looks like Kamakiri in that panel and I’m upset that we don’t get enough interaction off of them.)

We get a really cool set of panels where Sero figures out Tokage’s quirk while Kamakiri and Bakugou fight. Sero deduces that Tokage needs to regenerate after cutting her body up as we’ve been seeing with her reforming above the the battlefield.

Kamakiri loses and thus this battl would be over if they took the now defeated Kamakiri to jail, but Bakugou wants his perfect with and is going after Tokage.

We see in a flash back that Bakugou gave his team gernades and now I’m just going to say this, I wish we had a whole fucking flash back because a lot of this is seeming like a lot of narrative convenience. Also unlike Buggy, Tokage can’t pull off a chop-chop quick escape. (Also, did Sero blow up a chunk of her body? Maybe he really is the villain here?)

Bakugou then ambushes Tokage and then...

...It’s over. And while I do enjoy Bakugou’s line here, I’m pretty sure people are upset at this loss for Tokage. Well, here’s where I double down on my claim from a few weeks ago, this was going to be the least important fight in terms of fighting. And I was right. This fight wasn’t about the clash between Bakugou and Tokage, this match was about Bakugou’s growth as a character. Thus meaning the Class 1-b team is basically a group of jobbers that exist as an obstecle to overcome rather than characters. Now there’s nothing wrong with that.

I had pointed out how each B team up till now had at least one member we wer familiar left and thus they were the one who got to show off the most and develop more, with their teammates getting a chance to actually reveal their personalities (In the case of team Honenuki we actually ad two characters who did that). But team Tokage, at best had Awase, but nothing else we really knew about them, so it made sense that this wasn’t going to be about them.

However, Horikoshi then had to tacked on Tokage that sh was a recommendation student as to give Class 1-b’s team some menace. But unlike Honenuki, we didn’t know that beforehand, so it really just comes off as added hype right before her loss, so you care more. So I think some people thought that she was going to be a lot more hot shit than she actually got to be.

Now the question I posed was do I agree with this, well here’s where I say I’ll talk about that in the post chapter follow up, and now we must all get ready for Deku vs Monoma. Which I’m very worried about because its now 2-1 and if 1-a wins then it’ll be 3-1 which makes them look like jackasses and their hype was pointless, but if its B who wins then its 2-2 and that feels incredibly unsatisfying. See your now seeing why I wasn’t a fan of Todoroki and Honenuki being a draw.

Post chapter follow up: This is a very confused chapter where its honestly hard to call it good or bad. Now as I said, I did predict that this was going to be unimportant for Class 1-b and thus I’m not disappointed at all with team Tokage’s loss. I’m sure people will say Bakugou shouldn’t be able to to defeat a recommendation student. Well here’s the thing, recommendation isn’t about power, its more quirk based potential. This isn’t like S-class mage in FT or Captain in Black Clover where these people are literally in a different league. These are just kids who happen to have greater powers than others.

Now I wanna give major credit where credit is due, and that is the character of this fight. Bakugou’s character growth is what this was all about and thus, its a good thing to see him develop so quickly as opposed to someone like Momo who has yet to get over their mental hurdle. Now as we saw last week Bakugou still has a way to go with how he saves as we saw with him kicking Jirou out of the way, which is something I don’t think All Might would ever do. SO while he’s got the concept of saving down, he might need to fine tune it.

Also it was cool to really see Sero get a good moment in this round. Its important to note that Sero is actually very smart and analytical. Not to the point of Deku or Iida, but he has been shown that he is of an above average intellect. And while Jirou was mostly recon that didn’t work out, it was cool to see her use her support items. And Satou... Punched stuff...

I think that the development of the character really are a good thing for the character of Bakugou rather than the actual combat as opposed to something like Yuno vs Rill in Black Clover, where it was more about just how strong Yuno is now a opposed to his character growth. And I’ll take a stronger character over a stronger fighter story. Now this an arc based on combat so, I’m still critical of it, and the combat in this fight is pretty unimpressive.

Now for the negatives and my biggest frustration was the pacing this chapter. It feels like so much was condensed into a single chapter. I get maybe there might’ve not been enough for two chapters and that this is supposed to be about Bakugou more than anything else, but defeating 4 people and getting moments from the other 1-A kids feels so rushed. Like if I had to, I’d split this up as this chapter is just beating Bondo and Awase, then next chapter we get like a prolonged fight of Kamakiri vs Bakugou and taking out Tokage as she realizes how bad she messed up.

There’s also the issue of the flash back or lack there of, and it feels so much like Horikoshi is just making shit up from their strategy meeting to fit the fight, but its so clunky. I guess this method allows him to do that, but It just feels so convenient, like impossibly convenient. So if Im going pick on Hiro for narrative convenience, I’m going give Hori the same treatment.

So was this a good chapter? I think that it’s good in terms of storytelling, but its understandably not going to attract or seem as appealing to many from a fight perspective. Or those who have been really trying get hyped on class 1-b. And as I mentioned, there are narrative issues in this fight, so its not completely exempt from criticism. Which Is why I think my final verdict is the best I can give something like this.

Final Verdict: 6/10

It’s above average in terms of story and character, but it is till messy in some points. What with the easy to jobber characters and to massive compressed storytelling

Amazing character development on Bakugou’s quest for No. 1

Ultimately stale action

Good story is there, though it feels rushed in terms of pacing

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sabraeal · 6 years

Note

#51 sounds really cute! :D

#51: things you said as we danced in our socks

Set a few weeks before graduation

Wide Florida Bay | Previous

Horns rattle from the tinny speaker, and thebriefest bass guitar, before abruptly cutting off. Shirayuki frowns as shescoops up her phone, flicking the screen on – that clip is so unsatisfying, she reallyneeds to fix it –

r u done?im doneim dooooooonnnnne

She glances up from the mixer whirring away, catching the bookbagslumped against the wall of the vestibule, abandoned the moment she walkedthrough the door.

I just got backObi still has one more though

ugh ofctell him hes an overachiever and he should b ashamed

(He’s been sitting like that for almost fifteen minute,pointer hovering over Add Class, hisdesignated selection time bleeding out, only fifteen more before the juniorsgets to start picking their classes too –

“I shouldn’t bother,” he says, toneless. “You have to applyfor it.”

She tucks into his side, laying her head on his shoulder. “Sodoes everyone else. You have just as good a chance as anyone.”

“You’re not doing it.”

She blinks, tilting her head up. “I’m not the one interestedin informatics.”

“It’ll be over my credit load,” he tries instead. “I’d need permissionfrom the dean –”

She tweaks his elbow, just hard enough to make him squirm. “Good thinghe’ll be your graduate advisor.”

It takes a bit for him to blush – or at least for her to see it – but there’s pink just under bronze on his ears, and that’s enough. “That’s not – that’sonly if Admissions all goes temporarily batshit and lets me in.”

His chest shakes, breath coming quick, and she slides her hand down,covering his. “You should do it,” she says, studiedly casual. “What’s the worstthat can happen? They say no?”

His breath steadies, but not easily. “Right. Yeah.”

The click is less than a second. “Fuck ‘em, right?”)

i don’t think i’ll tell him that

FINELAMEsuzus been done since yesterday bcuz hes a slackerwhen obi is done we should celebratelike unreal amts of booze celebrate

It’s – it’s not that her heart pounds, it’s just – quiet,now that the mixer is off. Everything is more – noticeable. Now that she – she’s –

She’s thinking about the last time they got drunk at Yuzuri’sbehest, looming over them as she poured more and more shots, tellingthem it’s a celebration, everyone has todrink –

– I don’t think you’dbe so hard to figure out, darlin’. Obi’s drawl is liquid in her memory,pouring over her like honey. Just have toknow where to touch –

uh sureI guess?

u guess?is there some sort of problem?

She thinks of Obi, chest heaving,slack-jawed, eyes wide – if I capsize inyour thighs, high tide – of what he’dlook like with swollen lips, panting down her body, spreading her legs –

Ugh. She shakes her head. Thewhole thing is just – just – a pop-up she can’t shake, an ad that keepsplaying over her day at odd intervals, only instead of it being for somethinglike experimental allergy medication or Cialis, it’s for Obi, like she suddenly needs to be reminded every few minutes thathe’s attractive and also experienced, like maybe she should consider –

no!everything is fine!

It will pass. It always does.

…whatever the ideas r percolating ill let u know what we decide but like def booze

This isn’t – it isn’t a problem. Everything is fine – very fine, the most fine.

All her papers are written, revised, and already sitting in drop-boxes, her only final is a multiple choice test about European History, most of which she learned just from living with Kiki for a year. If anything, she is set, living her best life –

“God.”

Her whole body flushes, toe-tip to hairline, and she’s so busy trying not to think of skin under her lips, of hearing that in an entirely new context, that she nearly misses the slam of the door.

Obi tilts a long-suffering look toward her as he leans against the wall, toeing his shoes into the tray. “I’m glad that’s fucking done.”

There isn’t a problem, because whatever this is, it’s just a phase. Something that will definitely pass.

It just never takes this long.

“Did your test go well?” she asks, clearing her throat, like it might expel the images her mind is supplying as he saunters around the corner, shirt already pulling up taut torso, sun-bronzed abs on display.

“Hope so,” he sighs, balling his T-shirt up in his hand. “Otherwise Lata’s going to give me a few more of these for putting off our action plan.”

It takes her a whole minute to realize what he’s pointing at, to see the thick silver sprawl of scars across his back and not the way his muscles ripple beneath the skin, the way his shoulder blades make his whole back look like an anatomy model.

She frowns. “Professor Forenzo would never –”

“I know, I know,” he says, waving a hand at her as he crosses into his room. “Gimme a minute, I gotta get out of these clothes. It’s killer out there.”

“Right,” she replies, faint, definitely not noticing the way his hands settle on his waistband, definitely not thinking about his skin shining with sweat –

She doesn’t have a problem, it’s just – just that she hasn’t figured out a way to get him back, to close out this prank so she can – can stop thinking about that stupid song, and capsizing on thighs and what it might feel like if he –

plans decidedwe gonna go C L U B B I N G

Shirayuki’s teeth grit down, her hands bracing against the counter. This is fine. They’ve gone before, a nice little place above a bar in downtown Wilant; it’d been all 80s songs and they’d all had a little more than they’d bargain for, and Obi –

– you’re a squeezing hips, neck-kissing girl, aren’t you, darlin’? –

Ah, maybe she…shouldn’t think about that. He didn’t even remember it in the morning.

“You all right, Doc?”

She jolts, watching Obi settle on the couch, bare feet kicked up on the coffee table, arms sprawled out over the back, remote in hand. Her hands tighten on the counter, trying to ground herself, trying not to have her knees go weak as she traces the delicate bones in his feet, the strain of his t-shirt over his biceps –

if obi gives u shit tell him its obligatorythis is the price of fucking friendship okay

“You might not want to get too c-comfortable,” she stammers, stacking cookies, trying to look like she’s doing something in the kitchen, and not just – ogling him. “Yuzuri says we need to go out and celebrate.”

His head turns toward her, just slightly. “Celebrate what?”

“Being done with, you know…school.” It sounds weak, even to her own ears, and the grunt that comes from him tells her he agrees.

“We’re all going to grad school,” he huffs out. “We’re not going to be done with school for the next decade, if Lata has anything to say about it.”

“Well, it’s the end of undergrad,” she presses, feeling flushed. “And the end of our thesis work –”

“And just what is this version of celebrating going to entail?” he asks with a sigh. “I already have my sweat pants on.”

I’ve noticed is not the right thing to say. Neither is dumbly standing there, thinking how good he makes them look. “Yuzuri says we’re going clubbing.”

“Oh, no,” he says, firm. “No. I don’t dance.”

“She wants me to tell you it’s a non-optional social convention.”

“Is that how she’s getting Suzu to go?”

“Probably.” Her shoulders twitch in a shrug. “You know how she feels about this sort of thing.”

His eyebrows lift. “That there’s no better way to celebrated scientific achievement than to get trashed and grind on strangers?”

“Yes.” Not quit how she would have put it. “That.”

His look turns incredulous. “And you went for that?”

“It’s what she wants to do,” Shirayuki insists, because – because it’s not like she cares. It’s not like she’s thinking about the way he was dancing with anyone who showed interest the last time, wondering if he might –“She’s been here longer. Maybe this is the best way to celebrate. When in Rome, you know?”

“That is the exactopposite of an attitude you should have in Florida. Never do what people inFlorida do.” He rolls his head along the back of the couch to give her a flatlook. “It’s like you’ve never seenthe internet.”

She returns itwith a look of equal flatness. “We made it so the Olin maris can be bred in captivity. We’ve saved an entire species.We can spend one night doing what Yuzuri wants to do.”

“Yuzuri wants toget sloppy drunk and see if she can get Suzu to breed in captivity.”

“And we should support that.” She sighs at his incredulous look, padding out to put the plate of cookies in front of him. “Besides, I’ve seen you dance. You seemed – fine.”

That is definitely a word. That she can use. Safely.

“We danced at a gala,” he protests, “I wore a suit. Youstepped on my feet. That is not this. This is – swampy club dancing. It’s acircle of hell, not an activity.”

She refrains from mentioning the other time; she doesn’t think he’d appreciate remembering just how good he dances drunk to Come On Eileen, no matter how impressive it was.

“I think you just need to get excited.” She’s too used to his stare to shrivel under it. “You know, uh – get pumped.”

“Are you evenplanning on drinking?”

She grimaces.“No.”

“That is such awaste, you can’t even drive.”

She frowns. “Ihave my license now.”

He gives her apointed look. ��You can’t even drive.”

She stares at himfor what must be a full minute before it hits her, grin breaking out across her face. “I have just thething to get you in the mood.”

“Aw, c’mon,” hemoans as she pulls him upright. “I’ve got so many Cutthroat Kitchens to watch. On this one, theycook spaghetti and meatballs and someone takes some lady’s garlic.”

“Look, you alreadyknow what happens!” She grins at him. “So now you can do my thing instead.”

He grimaces when she pulls out her phone, when he sees her bring up her music library, pleading, “No, don’t –”

“Why do you build me up –”

“I’m honestly concerned,” he mumbles over the tinny piano. “Do you know what kind of music they play in clubs?”

“–Buttercup, baby–”

“This is to pump you up!” she tells him, trying to guide him into a bobbing two-step, one he follows with the enthusiasm of a man walking to the gallows. “Get your blood flowing!”

“Oh my god,” he sighs. “Of course. This is your pump up music. Motown.”

“It’s uplifting.”

“You listen to Angel of the Morning when you get up, don’t you?”

Her mouth pulls thin. “That’s not Motown –”

“That’s not a no.”

“See,” she tries instead, “you’re getting more lively already!”

There’s a flash of teeth behind his lips, but he hides it in his shoulder. “Whatever, the song is ending. How about you put on an actual club song?”

Her finger hovers over her screen.

“This decade.”

“Fine,” she sighs, scrolling past her collection of 80s music. “I can do that.”

“Uh-huh, I’m–”

“Shawty had those Apple Bottom Jeans, boots with the fur –”

He stares. “All right, I’m concerned you don’t know what year it is.”

“They still play this!” she insists, starting to bop to the beat. “It’s on plenty of club mixes.”

“All right,” he sighs, taking her hands. “This is physically painful, Doc. No one dances like that at a club.”

“Plenty of people do,” she insists, leaving out that most of her club experience is seeing them on CSI reruns. She’s got a feeling he already knows.

“Come here,” he guides her closer, until their hips are almost touching. “Let me just – show you. End the embarrassment.”

“I’m not –” Embarrassing gets swallowed along with her tongue, because his hand hooks over her hips, her own right beneath, guiding her into a slower swing that barely involves feet moving at all. He’s not – not touching her anywhere else, but he’s so close he might as well be, and she’s just – aware. Of all of him.

He smells nice.

“Oh is this – grinding?” she squeaks. “I’ve heard about that before –”

“No.” His voice is entirely too deep. “This would be grinding.”

His hands tug on her, yanking her forward until his knee is between her legs, until every shift on her body brings her right down on his thigh and –

Oh, that is – that’s not –

Okay, maybe this is a problem.

“Oh,” she breathes, jolting away, right back into the wall. That should be it, end of moment, but she – she doesn’t let go of his hands, and then he’s crashing into her, just catching himself on the wall, her hands still twined in his –

“Sorry.” He swallows; she’s so close she can hear it. She can see it too, and the way his eyes are all dark, mostly pupil with a thin rim of gold. His leg is still between hers, and her hands press up by her shoulder, and he’s just – so, so tall –

If he’d just bend down a little, maybe she could –

“Eep!” she yelps, pocket buzzing. “That’s just – I think Yuzuri –”

“Oh,” he breathes, pulling back. “Right. Her clubbing thing.”

r u guys gonna be ready soon?i wanna b drinking already

Obi’s already wandered away, back to the couch, and she –

i think our night is already spoken forobi wants to stay inbut let’s do breakfast tomorrow

boobut i get to pick the place

#Anonymous #The Wide Florida Bay #obiyuki #akagami no shirayukihime #my fic #ans #Obi is one of those guys who is like #your extremely attractive friend #and Shirayuki is not like...NEW to thinking about stuff nebulously involving him #but between here and the dinner her struggle is really...#that this is longer and much more sober period than she ever managed before #and stuff with Zen is weird #and so she can't just...start thinking about how her life is all planned out #two years at lyrias and then a PhD and everything is all set!#that's apparently a plan Zen forgot about #and now Obi's attractiveness is OMNIPRESENT #a constant companion #and she doesn't know how to DEAL with real attraction #it's not until the dinner that she finally puts together that OH HUH #she wants to be his GIRLFRIEND #and obv she's telling Yuzuri nothing #because Yuzuri would be like PLEASE JUST BANG AND GET MARRIED ALREADY and she knows it

22 notes · View notes

chasholidays · 6 years

Note

Clarke and Bellamy write for different websites and accidentally end up in a competition of who can write/get away with the most ridiculous headlines.

Clarke understands why people hate clickbait headlines. She really does. They’re attention-grabbing in all the worst ways, and she hates when they make someone who’s doing good out to be an asshole, or imply that gluten murdered someone’s entire family or whatever.

But as a writer? They’re really fun to come up with. She loves figuring out the right angle to sell things, and given she ends up writing a lot of bullshit, filler articles, it’s nice to come up with a good lead.

There’s an argument to be made that she’s tricking people, but, honestly, clicking on an article in error really isn’t so bad, in a global sense. Anyone who’s seriously upset that they wasted two minutes of their lives reading something they didn’t want to probably would have clicked on an article with an accurate headline to complain about the content anyway.

Besides, ad revenue is ad revenue. She knows what her job is, and it’s not keeping people from leaving outraged comments about how she deceived them with her headlines.

In fact, that’s kind of a bonus.

She’s idly vanity-googling herself when she finds a twitter poll titled “Whose clickbait headlines are better/worse, Bellamy Blake or Clarke Griffin?” and that’s what really kicks the whole thing into high gear.

The poll is neck-in-neck, which is of course the biggest issue. If Clarke was winning handily, she could let it go, but there’s actual debate in the responses, people making cases for her versus this unknown person.

It doesn’t take much to bring out Clarke’s competitive spirit. Clarke has her competitive spirit on speed dial.

The first step is obviously figuring out who Bellamy Blake is and what headlines they’re writing, and that’s pretty easy. He writes for Arkadia Online, which is–unexpected. She’s heard of Arkadia Online, and they have a somewhat older demographic, one of those websites that talks a lot of shit about millennials, and judging from Bellamy’s twitter and articles, he is a millennial, and he doesn’t really fit in with the rest of the brand. He’s a good writer, just nothing like any of the other Arkadia Online staff.

And his headlines really are something else.

It’s not just that they’re clickbaity, it’s that they’re actually inaccurate. It started, from what she can tell, with an article he published after the 2016 election, titled World’s Best Brownies, written in the style of one of those recipe blogs that refuses to just get to the actual recipe. The vast majority of the post was a long diatribe about the political state of the country and how shitty everything was and then finally, at the end, So yeah, let’s eat some fucking brownies, and the recipe.

The response had been mixed, to say the least, and now Bellamy has a reputation as the guy who injects politics into everything, and Clarke can’t say he doesn’t deserve it. An article called Top Five Cutest Kittens includes five adorable kittens, but they’re used as palate cleaners between examples of police brutality. It does seem like a bit of a cruel trick to Clarke, but as soon as anyone clicks in, he’ll have a subtitle with the actual content of the article, for anyone who bothers to read it.

Still, when Clarke wants cute kittens, it’s because she knows she needs a break from the garbage fire that is the world, so she wouldn’t really appreciate getting baited and switched like that.

Even if he does have excellent taste in kitten pictures.

Emailing Bellamy happens without her really meaning it to, clicking on his address at the end of the post and writing the subject line: is what you do actually clickbait? before she’s actually come up with any kind of follow-up message.

She stares at the body of the message for a second, then finds the link for the Twitter poll and pastes it in, adding, Asking for the internet.

It’s one of those emails she sends without really expecting to get a response. Obviously, she wouldn’t mind getting one, but the email is out in the ether. The ball is in Bellamy Blake’s court, and he might just file it away as spam or hate mail or something. If she got a message from an unknown person with that subject line, she’d probably assume it was someone yelling at her and delete it.

Maybe she could have thought that one through a little more.

In fact, though, it’s only about half an hour before he responds, and suddenly they’re corresponding, which she should have recognized as the warning sign it was almost immediately. But she’s always been a little slow with these things.

From: Bellamy Blake ([email protected])To: Clarke Griffin ([email protected])Subject: Re: is what you do actually clickbait?

Merriam Webster defines clickbait as “something (such as a headline) designed to make readers want to click on a hyperlink especially when the link leads to content of dubious value or interest,” so after some consideration I’ve decided that what I do is actually reverse clickbait. The headline is designed to make people click, but the content isn’t of dubious value. Hope that clears everything up.

From: Clarke Griffin ([email protected])To: Bellamy Blake ([email protected])Subject: Re: is what you do actually clickbait?

Did you really start a response with “Merriam Webster defines”? Not doing that is like journalism 101.

From: Bellamy Blake ([email protected])To: Clarke Griffin ([email protected])Subject: Re: is what you do actually clickbait?

Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks, if we’re doing writing critique over email.

From: Clarke Griffin ([email protected])To: Bellamy Blake ([email protected])Subject: Re: is what you do actually clickbait?

According to Purdue University, question marks and exclamation points go outside of quotation marks when the punctuation applies to the whole sentence.

Hope that clears everything up

She’s expecting that to be the end of it, less because they were both kind of assholes and more because there isn’t really anything else to say. They had a conversation, and that conversation is now over. She follows him on Twitter, because he does seem decently cool, and she’s a little curious what else he’s going to write. Friends don’t let friends miss out on weird headlines.

He follows her back, and two days later DMs her, which she’s maybe unreasonably excited about.

bellamyblake1: So if you were writing an article about getting rid of the electoral college, which fall fashion trend would you reference in the headline?Asking for a friend

edenclarke: What are the fall fashion trends I’m picking from?

bellamyblake1: ShitI was hoping you’d know someScarves? I feel like I don’t understand when/why people wear scarves nowThat probably makes them a fashion trend

edenclarke: WowYou really thought this one through

bellamyblake1: “Five Scarves You Need This Holiday Season”That works, right?

edenclarke: You know, I’ve looked at the rest of your websiteIt’s very normalHow do you possibly get away with this?

bellamyblake1: I write very normal articlesThey love themI’m hitting a demographic they don’t know how to reachThey feel my puff pieces appeal to women and millennials

edenclarke: So no one actually reads what you write

bellamyblake1: Not for a whileMy best friend is our tech guyHe does all the coding, checks the email, etc etcEveryone else on staff is a technophobeAnd coming from me that’s saying a lot because I’m still scared of twitter

edenclarke: That’s not technophobia, that’s survival instinctEveryone should be scared of twitterSo you get away with those headlines because no one’s paying attention?That makes me feel better

bellamyblake1: What’s that supposed to mean?

edenclarke: I actually have editors reading my stuffI couldn’t get away with the stuff you get away with

bellamyblake1: Oh yeah that makes senseI figured you weren’t really committed to the whole thing

Clarke frowns at the screen. It’s a trap. She knows it’s a trap. He’s obviously fucking with her, and she deserves it, since she was kind of fucking with him. She can let this go and be a smarter, more mature person.

edenclarke: Not really committed?

bellamyblake1: You’re just in it for the clicks

edenclarke: As opposed to you, with your higher moral calling

bellamyblake1: Hey, I’m convincing people to read stuff that’s good for themI’m okay with considering that a higher moral calling

edenclarke: Sometimes people might actually want to see a bunch of cat picturesIt’s not actually fair to make them read about politics when they’re trying to take a break

bellamyblake1: TrueBut in my defense, I do show them the cat picturesI found five scarf pictures on my own, by the waySo thanks for nothing

edenclarke: No problemAny time

That’s basically how it goes, for the next couple months. The two of them will chat every few days about the next ridiculous headline they’re planning to use, each of them egging the other on to new heights, and Clarke’s always expecting someone with some kind of authority to protest to what they’re doing, but some of the weirdos on twitter have taken notice of the escalation and are talking about it a lot, so her bosses are happy, and Bellamy’s paper seems to genuinely have no idea what he does. They still think he’s writing lifestyle articles instead of attempting to incite revolution.

It’s kind of cool, but a little–unsatisfying. Clarke likes Bellamy, in a fairly limited sense, but her internet stalking hasn’t really turned up much about him. Pictures from college show an attractive, smiling boy with messy hair and white teeth, but she hasn’t found further records of him. He’s a few years older than her, apparently single, with a younger sister who likes to make fun of him on twitter.

She thinks she might like him, but it feels like she needs more information to really make up her mind about it. And she’d like to get it, so she can stop having these fluttery feelings every time she sees his name. Those can’t be right.

Still, when he DMs her, it still makes her heart skip every time. And when she sees the message, Hey you’re in Seattle, right?, it goes into overdrive.

edenclarke: StalkerYeahWhy?

bellamyblake1: I’m going to be in town next weekInterview

edenclarke: Interview?You’re leaving behind the exciting world of online journalism?

bellamyblake1: Even betterI might get hired as an actual political writerInstead of lifestyleNot that I mind lifestyle, but

edenclarke: Yeah, your heart seems to be somewhere elseSo you might be relocating?

bellamyblake1: MaybeIt’s mostly online so they don’t require movingBut they prefer it and my lease is up in a month or so and I kind of hate LA

edenclarke: Wow, yeahI can’t imagine you living there

bellamyblake1: I grew up hereBut I’m thinking it might be time for a changeAnyway, I was hoping you’d be willing to meet upShow me around town a littleSell me on the placeOr not, I guess, depending on how you feel about me moving there

edenclarke: I can probably pencil you in, yeahSend me your flight detailsAnd scheduleWe’ll see when we’re both free

The next few days feel endless. Bellamy’s coming in on Saturday afternoon and staying until Wednesday, to get the best deal on flights. When she offers to grab drinks with him after he lands, he agrees, and asks if she would have time on Sunday to do some sightseeing.

She agrees to that too, and can’t help hoping they won’t actually have to meet up on Sunday, because she will have just brought him home with her. He’s got an Air BnB, but she can’t help thinking she’s a better prospect.

Saturday afternoon she throws up an article while he’s on the plane, goes for a run in an attempt to calm her nerves, and heads over to the bar once Bellamy texts that he’s on the ground. She arrives way too early, given he still has to deplane and get out of the airport, but it’s not like obsessing at her apartment is helping. She might as well obsess at the bar.

Ten minutes after he tells her he’s on his way, he sits down next to her, offering a sheepish smile that probably would have won her over even if she hadn’t already been mostly won.

“Hey, Clarke.”

His voice is rich and smooth and he has glasses sliding down his nose and the entire effect is just way too much. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you too.” He looks her up and down, worrying his lip a little. “Just to get it out of the way, uh–can I buy you a drink?”

“You don’t have to buy me a drink,” she says, feeling her own smile start to grow. “You can just flirt with me.”

His grin is honestly one of the best things she’s ever seen in her life. “I was already doing that. I figured I should step it up in person.”

“Feel free,” she says, and he slides his stool closer, smiling.

He cancels the Air BnB the next day.

Bellamy Blake @bellamyblake1New article up, Fifteen Outrageous Reasons to Get Married (You Won’t Believe #7)! Please R&R.

Clarke Griffin @edenclarkeReplying to @bellamyblake1Are you sure that’s where the exclamation point goes? I think we should consult Purdue University

Bellamy Blake @bellamyblake1Replying to @bellamyblake1 @edenclarkeThat’s seriously your question?

Clarke Griffin @edenclarkeReplying to @bellamyblake1 @edenclarkeDefinitely my question, yeah

Clarke Griffin @edenclarkeReplying to @bellamyblake1 @edenclarkeMy answer is yes

#pixiepan

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kinetic-elaboration · 6 years

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April 12: Thoughts on 1x11 The Calm

Thoughts on 1x11 The Calm:

S1 Bellarke is the hottest Bellarke fight me.

My boy Jasper doesn’t even appear in this ep and he’s STILL being useful literally making gunpowder like fuck off.

Bellamy is all for just killing everyone and Clarke wants to find some other way. I dunno if I read this as her being influenced by Finn or more like...her mind always whirring, always thinking of better solutions. She’s never content with just the most obvious thing. That said, their positions are reversed a season later: Clarke is all for just blasting the top off Mount Weather and Bellamy wants a more nuanced plan because he sees the people on the inside.

Why wasn’t Murphy + Octavia ever a thing? Also Murphy is smart about cooking meat. Chef!Murphy (head)canon already forming.

“When you’re really pissed off, you always find a project. Something to keep your hands busy so you don’t punch someone in the face.” Finn is annoying but this is good Raven characterization intelligence. Also their conversation is so painfully awkward. She really does just tamp it all down, bottle up those emotions.

Literally nothing is hotter than Bellamy being a leader and giving orders and the delinquents being a competent little group defending and taking care of themselves.

And yet again, Clarke suggested hunting and Bellamy essentially had to sign off on it (not only did he challenge on her and make her explain herself, but tbh if Clarke had told people to pick up spears and go they would have been like yeah right princess)--but it was Bellamy who gave the actual orders, BELLAMY who appears as the leader in the delinquent pov.

I wish there were more young delinquents--really young not Jasper-and-Monty young. Like this loquacious kid who goes hunting with Finn and Clarke. Or even Charlotte, kids that age. ...Really I just wish there were more delinquents. :/

So Raven’s first instinct isn’t to fuck away the pain, it’s to run. Dumb but understandable. She insults Bellamy based on his Ark job (”Aren’t you a janitor?”) which also feeds into my other theory about Ark and class status.

I know I’ve written B/raven stuff and I do ship them in a low-key way, in a ‘they would be interesting together’ way...but I don’t ship them in a canon way, tbqh. In this Bellamy and Raven scene, I see them having a good rapport, but in a way I also see him working her, getting her back on track not just for her own good but for everyone’s good. He has a double agenda and both parts are important.

I wonder how much familiarity everyone on the Ark has with everyone else. That’s not totally clear... people seem to have passing familiarity with others, but not close familiarity. On the other hand, Wick seems pretty comfortable just talking to a Councilor like whatever nbd. On the other, other hand that could be Wick’s personality and/or the circumstances. Most of the ship is probably dead and the rest will die soon so why be formal!

The creepiness of the Ark in this ep should not be understated.I love this aesthetic.

I want to know what the best part of a boar is! Clarke, don’t interrupt. Rude.

Two main characters and a kid you’ve never seen before go hunting in the woods. Which one is going to get speared?

Say what you want about Wick but he and Kane made a good team and I will stand by this opinion too.

In describing their route, Finn said they crossed a road. What road?? When have there ever been roads anywhere in this show?

Kane found a dozen survivors, Jaha has, like, 3....and somehow in Camp Jaha/Arkadia there are like several hundred (?) people. From only two stations like how is that possible? Also didn’t Farm Station have a couple hundred? They must have sent down over a thousand people lol. Kane did not find very many.

Also that Earth Monitoring Station is where the space survivors are living now and it was fucking destroyed in a fire but I guess we’ve just conveniently forgotten about that, huh useless show writers who can’t figure out their own continuity?

Kane has this annoying habit of just being uselessly self-sacrificing all the time. He would be so much more effective if he didn’t do that. He has a lot of hubris, I think. The unforgivable sin: thinking yourself so debased as to be unforgivable. It’s also another way of elevating yourself, of thinking yourself so important that you have sinned more than any other, are worse than any other...it’s still all ‘me me me.’ I think Kane is like that. He’s always looking for ways to sacrifice himself or to be dangerously heroic. I wonder if that matters more to him than, like, actual other people. (Some of this analysis could apply to Jaha at certain parts of his story, though mostly imo in S1. In S2 he starts thinking a little differently.) (ETA it definitely applies to him in this ep, where he wanted to sacrifice himself [and Sinclair] and Kane’s like ‘I’m not a dumbass, we need you smart people to save everyone else, this isn’t a wholly altruistic rescue mission you know.”)

Anya’s idiotic guilt trip re: Tris: “You did this to her.” Yeah I know she’s like 12 and that makes Clarke feel bad because her people don’t use pre-adolescents as soldiers but she should take the attitude she took with L. later. You don’t want me to fuck you up? Don’t attack me first. Would Anya be shedding any tears over the dead, disgusting bodies of the children her chemical attack killed? I doubt it. And they weren’t even soldiers! I mean really the Grounder attacks on the delinquent camp are the equivalent of an attack on a village of civilians, especially initially.

So Monty finds some of the first evidence of Mount Weather (the exodus ship logs showing interference) and Raven’s like ‘neato...give me that for parts.’ He’s much more curious than she is. She’s more...practical? Single-minded? Not that Monty isn’t practical. I dunno. Unrelated but I had this sudden image of modern!Monty listening for signs of alien life, for some reason.

Monty wants to keep the radio because he still believes in the Ark and he wants to see his parents again. “My family is up there.” Makes me even more curious what his relationship with his family is like. (You’d think S3 would have answered that but...not really.) He’s one of the few people who seems to care about those left on the Ark. And he looks so sad when Raven unplugs it... A rare moment when he lives up to his fandom cinnamon roll image. And when Raven leaves he picks up the radio thingy and I wonder if he’s considering putting it back together.

Murphy has a fish.

I gotta love Raven’s confidence: I’m hot and I’ve identified a straight man, if I start undressing, he’ll sleep with me. If I were as hot as her, I’d probably be that confident too, but still.

Bellamy’s “I’m not that guy” speech is actually hilarious when parsed. It’s like the equivalent of “IF I were going to say X, it would sound like this, but since I can’t, I won’t.” Like “If you’re looking for someone to tell you [a list of things in detail], that’s not me.” But you just did dumbass. His ‘bad boy’ persona cracks so easy.

Right before Clarke unpacks the medical tools, there’s a shot of a random $50 bill on the ground. Mmmmm something tells me that our weak U.S. paper isn’t going to survive a century post-apocalypse lol. There’s also a piece of paper. What is that stuff doing there?

Oh never mind. It’s an old bank. There’s paper and cash all over and lots of little drawers. Makes sense, banks would have vaults, and bunkers did have money in them. Maybe they’re in the Treasury’s old bunker. I never noticed that before, but it’s actually quite clever. The set design on this show is A-PLUS.

I’m not into the enemies-to-lovers thing generally but Anya/Clarke should have been a thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

What an incredibly unsatisfying sexual encounter.

Kane says ‘no more than 1,000 survivors’ and ‘at least 1,500 dead.’ There have to have been at least 1,000 though, because they send them down on 12 ships and assuming they spread themselves about equally (which isn’t necessarily true but would be the smartest thing), that would be about 83 people to a ship. And I’m fairly sure Farm Station had more than 83 people and I’m also semi-sure that Arkadia as of 3x01 had more than 166. I mean it’s really hard to tell, and I can’t remember what sort of casualty numbers they gave for the Mount Weather explosion, but these seem like very low numbers to me. I don’t know. Maybe it does make sense and I’m just missing or mis-remembering something.

Having said all that, they did find another cache of survivors after this dialogue (including Abby), which might explain the discrepancy. (ETA not really because they only find, like, 10.)

Kane’s trip through the vent is a nightmare scenario for me so I’m just gonna...not watch.

Lindsey Morgan is so kickass in this ep, like how she stutters a little bit on “family” when she’s talking to Monty.

I completely forgot about this but the Grounders literally try to steal Clarke away like wtf. First of all, I wouldn’t trust her even as far as I could throw her if I were them. And second...she’s the enemy? But “prove your worth and you’ll be welcome here” I guess. Maybe Anya’s into her. I guess it’s good to poach the best talent from the other side before you destroy them. Also love that Clarke pretends to consider it.

The kill marks are to symbolize kills in combat so, really, Clarke’s 3x01 crack abut not having room on her back for all the deaths she’d caused misses the point...as far as I can remember she’s never actually killed in combat. Killing in self-defense, in group self-defense, or as part of an overall military-type mission isn’t the same as in combat, especially as she mostly acts as a general-type person, giving orders rather than doing deeds. Even pulling the lever, with Bellamy, is an awfully sanitized way of killing.

Going after this guy, getting him talking, taking out his knee and then slashing his throat, is one of Clarke’s best moments. HIGHLY UNDERRATED. Really second only to her escape from Mount Weather in early S2. Also props to Eliza Taylor, I appreciate how her expression afterward is half ‘oh shit I killed a man, this is terrible’ and half like steely resolve and determination.

Can Monty not tell the cardinal directions? (Your other West, Monty.)

A rare moment where Octavia and Raven seem like friends. Actually this is a good Octavia episode. She’s only in 3 scenes, which might explain why...

Also underrated is the tense but quick blnk-and-you’d-miss-it horror movie moment of Monty being taken by the Mountain Men. “What’s that creepy signal?.... Omigod... “ And he was never seen or heard from again.

So...why did the Mountain Men take him? Shits and giggles? To see if they could experiment on him? They seemed to have decided pretty quickly that the Sky People were like them, guests rather than blood resources. I wonder what the thought process was.

The end of this episode was aces. Great set up for the finale. I miss when this show was good.

#the year 2018 #2018: the 100 s1 #2018: fandom thoughts

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shaizstern · 4 years

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Article from WSJ: For the New Year, Say No to Negativity

Bad experiences affect us much more powerfully than good ones, but there are ways to deal with this destructive bias and overcome it

JAMES YANG

By John Tierney and Roy F. Baumeister

Dec. 27, 2019

The new year is supposed to bring hope, but too often it feels grim. We resolve to be virtuous—to lose weight, to exercise, to unplug from social media—but we recall past failures and fear another losing struggle. We toast to a better, happier world in 2020, but we know there will be endless bad news and vitriol, especially this election year.

We could use a fresh approach. For 2020, here’s a resolution that could actually work: Go on a low-bad diet.

Our minds and lives are skewed by a fundamental imbalance that is just now becoming clear to scientists: the negativity effect. Also known as the negativity bias, it’s the universal tendency for bad events and emotions to affect us more strongly than positive ones. We’re devastated by a word of criticism but unmoved by a shower of praise. We see the hostile face in the crowd and miss all the friendly smiles. We focus so much on bad news, especially in a digital world that magnifies its power, that we don’t realize how much better life is becoming for people around the world.

The negativity effect sounds depressing—and it often is—but it doesn’t have to be the end of the story. By recognizing it and overriding our innate responses, we can break destructive patterns, make smarter decisions, see the world more realistically and also exploit the benefits of this bias. Bad is stronger than good, but good can prevail if we know what we’re up against.

Our brain’s negativity bias evolved because it is a survival mechanism. But what worked for our ancestral hunter-gatherers doesn’t always work for us.

The negativity effect is a fundamental aspect of psychology, yet it was discovered only in the past two decades and quite unexpectedly, as social scientists became intrigued by a couple of patterns. Psychologists studying people’s reactions had found that a bad first impression had a much greater impact than a good first impression, and experiments by behavioral economists had shown that a financial loss loomed much larger than a corresponding financial gain.

What gave bad its greater power? To investigate, the social psychologist Roy Baumeister (co-author of this piece) and colleagues at Case Western University looked for situations in which bad events didn’t have such a strong impact. They proposed to “identify several contrary patterns” that would enable them to “develop an elaborate, complex and nuanced theory about when bad is stronger versus when good is stronger.”

But they couldn’t. To their surprise, despite scouring the research literature in psychology, sociology, economics, anthropology and other disciplines, they couldn’t find compelling counterexamples of good being stronger.

Studies showed that bad health or bad parenting makes much more difference than good health or good parenting. A negative image (a photograph of a dead animal) stimulates more electrical activity in the brain than does a positive image (a bowl of chocolate ice cream). The pain of criticism is much stronger than the pleasure of praise. A single bad event can produce lifelong trauma, but there is no psychological term for the opposite of trauma because no good event has such a lasting impact.

The psychologists had discovered a major phenomenon, one that extended into so many different fields that the overall pattern had escaped notice. While writing up the results, Dr. Baumeister happened to visit the University of Pennsylvania and learned that a psychologist there, Paul Rozin, was also working on a paper about this effect, and they agreed to share credit in 2001 by publishing their findings simultaneously. Dr. Rozin’s paper, “Negativity Bias, Negativity Dominance and Contagion,” co-written with Edward Royzman, was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Review. Dr. Baumeister’s paper, co-authored with Ellen Bratslavsky, Kathleen Vohs and Catrin Finkenauer, was published in the Review of General Psychology and titled simply “Bad Is Stronger Than Good.”

Both are now among the most cited papers in the social-science literature. They’ve inspired psychologists and a wide range of other researchers to conduct hundreds of studies of the negativity effect, discovering it in new places, analyzing its effects and testing ways to exploit it when it’s useful and overcome it when it’s not.

Our brain’s negativity bias evolved because it is a survival mechanism. On our ancestral savanna, the hunter-gatherers who passed on their genes were the ones who paid more attention to threats (like poisonous berries or predatory lions) than to the good things in life. This bias is still useful—one mistake can still be fatal—but what worked for hunter-gatherers doesn’t always work for us.

The urge to load up on fattening calories was useful in lean times on the savanna, but it can lead to obesity and ill health when junk food is available to tempt you all day long. Today we’re assailed around the clock by the merchants of bad. Politicians and journalists tap into primal emotions by hyping threats from nature, technology, foreigners, political opponents—whatever will instantly trigger the brain’s alarm circuits. The presidency of Donald Trump has been a ratings bonanza because it has brought out the worst on both sides. Rarely a week goes by without some new warning that civilization is doomed.

Once psychologists identified the negativity effect, they realized it had been distorting their own profession for a century. Because negative events had stronger effects, these phenomena were easier to distinguish and measure than positive ones, so psychology journals and textbooks had devoted more than twice as much space to analyzing problems than to identifying sources of happiness and well-being. The research was further distorted when it reached the public, because it was filtered through journalists eager for news with the most immediate impact—which, of course, meant bad news.

So the public learned lots about psychoses and depression but precious little about the mind’s resilience and capacity for happiness. Post-traumatic stress disorder became common knowledge but not the concept of post-traumatic growth, which is actually far more common. Most people who undergo trauma ultimately feel that the experience has made them a stronger and better person.

After recognizing their own bias, psychologists began compensating for it by studying the “positivity ratio,” which is the number of good events or emotions for every bad one. Researchers saw that older people are typically more contented than younger people because they’ve learned how to improve this ratio in their lives. They’ve gone on a low-bad diet, and that general approach can work for people of all ages. Here are a few strategies:

First, do no harm. We pride ourselves on the many good things we do for our family and friends, or for going the extra mile in pleasing customers and clients, but what really matters is what we don’t do. Avoiding bad is far more important than doing good. You get relatively little credit for doing more than you promised, but you pay a big price for falling short.

By tracking couples over time, psychologists have found that the success of marriages depends mainly on the frequency of negative interactions and how people deal with negativity. In marriages destined for success, people overlook their spouse’s flaws, maintaining what researchers call “positive illusions.” When something goes wrong, they either give their spouse the benefit of the doubt or respond calmly so as not to escalate the conflict. In marriages that fail, people assume the worst and respond angrily—and because bad emotions are so powerful and contagious, a minor argument can quickly spiral into a major fight.

Minimizing the negative is similarly crucial in business. Angry customers can have such a disproportionate impact—especially the ones who post online reviews—that market researchers refer to them as “terrorists.” Research into the varieties of “bad apples” in the workplace has shown that the performance of a team depends not on the average of its members’ abilities but rather on the ability of the worst member. Several stars can’t compensate for a dud.

Remember the Rule of Four. Many studies—of spouses’ interactions, people’s diaries, workers’ moods, customers’ ratings—have shown that a negative event or emotion usually has at least three times the impact of a comparable positive one. So to come out ahead, we suggest keeping in mind the Rule of Four: It takes four good things to overcome one bad thing.

This is a rule of thumb, not a universal law of nature. It doesn’t apply to every person in every situation, but it’s a useful gauge of well-being and progress. If you and your partner are having sex four times more often than you fight, that’s probably a healthy relationship. If you want to keep your business afloat, aim for at least four satisfied customers for every unsatisfied one. If you have four good days at work from Monday to Thursday, that’s usually enough to make up for a bad Friday. (Obviously, that 4-to-1 ratio wouldn’t be much comfort if on Friday you get fired, but that wouldn’t be a typical week.)

Keep that ratio in mind when considering the impact of your actions. If you’re late for one meeting, you won’t redeem yourself by being early the next time. If you say or do something hurtful, don’t expect to atone for it with one bit of goodwill. Plan on at least four compliments to make up for one bit of criticism.

Put the bad moments to good use. Instead of despairing at a setback, override your gut reaction and look for a useful lesson. The upside of the negativity effect is its power to teach and motivate. Penalties are usually more effective than rewards at spurring students and workers to improve. They’re also more effective in motivating sinners to repent, which is why hell-fearing religions have historically grown faster than ones preaching a benevolent message.

The self-esteem movement—one of the sorrier mistakes in psychology—left many parents reluctant to criticize or penalize children, and the everybody-gets-a-trophy philosophy has produced rampant grade inflation in high school and college. Students routinely get As and Bs for mediocre or poor work, so they’re learning less than in the past. No one likes getting—or handing out—bad grades, but these force the students to focus on what needs to be improved.

Capitalize on the good moments—and then relive them. Of all of Mark Twain’s aphorisms, the one with the most empirical support is a bit of wisdom from the title character of Pudd’nhead Wilson: “To get the full value of a joy, you must have somebody to divide it with.” Psychologists call it capitalization and have found that sharing good news is one of the most effective ways to become happier—but only if the other person responds enthusiastically, so make sure you rejoice in your friend’s good fortune (or at least fake it).

Sharing good news makes the triumph more significant, so it’s more likely to be recalled later, which is another proven way to boost happiness. Engaging in nostalgia was long considered a sign of depression, but experimenters have repeatedly found it’s a tool not just for appreciating the past but also for brightening both the present and the future. One reason that happiness increases beyond middle age is that older people spend more time savoring good memories instead of obsessing about today’s worries.

See the big picture. Just about every measure of human welfare is improving except one: hope. The better life gets, the gloomier our worldview. In international surveys, it’s the rich who sound the most pessimistic—and the worst informed. The global rate of poverty has declined by two thirds in recent decades, but most people in affluent countries think it has remained steady or gotten worse. Crime has plummeted in the U.S., but most Americans think it has risen because they see so much mayhem on their screens.

The same basic approaches for dealing with the power of bad in your personal relationships and business—minimize the negative, accentuate the positive—can help you to overcome the negative bias that skews politics and public opinion. When there’s a school shooting or a terrorist attack, don’t wallow for hours watching the live coverage. When politicians and pundits are attacking each other, switch channels. By choosing your online friends carefully and curating your news feed, you can follow the Rule of Four—at least four uplifting stories for every bad one—and get a much more accurate view of the world.

By rationally looking at long-term trends instead of viscerally reacting to the horror story of the day, you’ll see that there’s much more to celebrate than to mourn. No matter what disasters occur in 2020, no matter who wins the presidential election, the average person in America and the rest of the world will in all likelihood become healthier and wealthier. Those who go on a low-bad diet will also become wiser—and happier, too.

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daihell · 7 years

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Okay, so I have a lot of questions. First, what are all the terms for asexuality? Cause I see a lot of different terms and I am not sure which ones apply. Second, the brother to my Inquisitor OC is asexual, but flirts a lot with people. Would that be an accurate or acceptable representation? Third, how would I write him explaining to people that he is asexual? Or would that depend on how he is as a character? I'm not trying to imply all asexuals are the same, I just want to get it right.

Thank you so much for asking! And I’m so happy you have an ace character, that’s really exciting! I hope you don’t mind me publishing this ask, let me know if you’d rather discuss privately and we can switch to IM or something!!

edit: I should specify that this can be experienced very differently from person to person, so if anyone else wants to comment or add their thoughts feel free!

So, asexual is sort of the blanket term for everyone who does not experience sexual attraction, no matter how often or in what way.Demisexual is a common ace term you’ve probably heard. It’s a type of asexuality where they only experience sexual attraction in specific situations. As an example, they might only experience sexual attraction after forming a close bond with them. There’s this misconception that this simply means they don’t want to have sex until that bond is formed which isn’t how it works. I’m only talking about attraction here. So, say you’re dating someone and several months go by and you start to develop sexual attraction. It’s kinda weird because you’re going about your day being ace then, suddenly, bam, there’s this one single person that you are attracted to in a way you haven’t experienced before and it can be a very confusing. Then there’s people who are flux who go through periods where they feel no sexual attraction, and periods where they do, so they fluctuate back and forth. That can be a confusing one to work out as well. I’m blanking on other terms, so if there are some I’m missing feel free to let me know and I’ll go into those as well! And if you’re curious about how this can combine with romantic attraction I’d be happy to go into that more too. Some people may only ID as ace whereas others may id as gay or bi etc as well.

So, you’ll notice all through this, it doesn’t really have anything to do with sex itself. I imagine this can be as diverse as it is for other orientations. There are sex positive aces, sex neutral, and sex repulsed. You can fall into any one of these categories and have/not have a libido/sex drive. Just out of aces I’ve met, I think I’ve come into contact with every combination possible lol. It’s kind of shitty, I feel like aces with a libido tend to get bashed the most because asexuals are usually thought of incorrectly as having no association with or desire for sex. I mean, just in the last few weeks I was told that asexual means not having a sexuality which– guys, it’s a sexuality by definition, come on. But anyway, the point is, aces can enjoy and desire sex, although not all of them do.

The reason I made my Adaar sex repulsed is because there is so little representation. Usually if you ever see something close to ace representation, there’s always something gross where the ace person learns to like sex or whatever because mainstream romance seems to require sex in order for relationships to be “real” but as long as you aren’t doing that, or having tones of an ace character trying to defend their orientation with “I can have sex just like you” or “sex is a requirement so I guess I’ll do it even though I don’t like it because I love you” or something like that, there isn’t anything wrong with having an ace character who has/enjoys sex.

A few example of how not to do it: Cole was written very aro/ace, saying he isn’t attracted to anyone and acting confused whenever anyone asked him about it. That is, until he ended up with the bard and now isn’t aro/ace anymore because he is “human after all,” implying that you have to feel romantic/sexual attraction in order to be human. Sorry I’m still bitter lol. There’s also Sebastian’s romance in DA2. He probably isn’t ace since there’s nothing that seems to imply it but he did want a chaste relationship and there are multiple comments about how it isn’t a real relationship because of that. Then there’s all the fanfics where seb is forced into sexual situation by an unsatisfied partner because they consider it a requirement in a relationship regardless of what Seb actually wants. Or as if they could just get Seb to have sex, they’ll both be happier and their relationship would be more fulfilling. If you have an exact situation you’re worried about, you can always ask and I’d be happy to give you my opinion or recommend things to avoid!

As for your character, having him be flirty is perfectly fine! I know lots of aces who make crude jokes all the time too. A common hole people can fall into is making an ace character naive or childlike, as if that’s a requirement for being ace. (It made sense for Cole since he isn’t human and doesn’t know much about it, although inhuman ace chars is also kind of a stereotype) Tbh, I find ace people are usually pretty open and unflustered when discussing sex. I don’t know if it’s a common experience, but I think some aces probably look up sex trying to figure out what the appeal is or what the heck sexual attraction actually is lol. So yeah, they are rarely naive and can probably talk about it very casually. (Although there are plenty of sex repulsed aces who don’t like to see or talk about it)

As for how he might explain it to someone, hmm, I’m not completely sure. It’s a bit harder to talk about in a time period when they wouldn’t have a word for it. I guess it probably depends on who he is, who he’s talking to, and how the discussion came up. In the ace inquisitor fic I posted last night, Adaar was specifically worried about entering into a relationship that might expect sex from him and, since he is sex repulsed, he wanted to be upfront and clear about that before they got anymore serious. If your character is sex positive, it can be a bit more difficult to explain his asexuality. Maybe have him express confusion when someone is admiring something they find sexually appealing? I mean, anyone can appreciate bodies, but the overly sexual way Bull discuss what he find attractive about women might be kind of confusing or weird to him. A lot of this could depend on his romantic attraction as well. My Adaar is gay as well as ace, but if your oc is aromantic, he could just talk about how he isn’t interested in anyone. Feel free to give me more information and i’d be happy to offer suggestions or tips! Also very sorry this was so long lol. Feel free to let me know if I missed something or explained it badly!!

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idreamtofmanderleyagain · 7 years

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Hellraiser as a Horror Fairy Tale

So for a while now I’ve been struggling to come to a clear, concise take on what I feel the classic Hellraiser’s are actually trying to be about. There’s a lot of themes here that are easy to emotionally grasp, but it’s been a bit of a struggle to try and build a coherent logical analysis on what all of these layers are conveying when properly understood all together (let alone figuring out how to verbalize what I was seeing). This is going to be a MASSIVE post, so buckle up for a long ride.

This has been especially frustrating because so many people have already asserted so much. There’s a lot of analysis out there that feels very unfocused and vague, or focuses far too much on very specific aspects that someone has isolated, like the unsettling theme of “pain and pleasure, indivisible.” The problem of course being that these aspects isolated like this are taken out of their full context, divorcing them of the very necessary emotional/psychological depth of the narrative, resulting in a rather simplistic, confused, or vague understanding of what kind of story we’re actually being told. This is problematic because it’s very clear that these films, the first two (and even three!) in particular, are deliberately using these horror elements as metaphor and analogy in a way very similar to traditional, dark and bloody fairy tales (see the outright fairy tale themes and references in H2). These are films that seem to function with a similar kind of gothic unreality that say, Angela Carter’s works do. And in any good fairy tale, a wolf is not a wolf.

Overall, I feel like the classic Hellraiser films are narratives discussing the nature of physical versus spiritual experience, the intersections thereof, and how this applies to the complexities of human suffering, trauma, abuse, etc. First, I should clarify what I mean by “spiritual.” I don’t mean “spiritual” in a faith/religious/superstitious sense, but as in humanity; in other words our personhood, the part of us that experiences emotion, empathy, craves human connection and emotional intimacy. So in turn, when I speak of “physical vs. spiritual,” I mean “physical” as the body divorced from it’s humanity. With me so far?

The first two films cover this this topic in different ways, with the second adding layers of spiritual complexity to the initial ideas laid out by the first film (and the third film, while extremely flawed, adds a few more intriguing elements that kind of bookend the themes for me), so there’s a lot of ground to cover. But hopefully, this will clarify my take on the themes of these films and how they suddenly became some of my favorite films of all time. I was actually quite surprised I enjoyed them so much, because I kind of expected something more akin to Nightmare On Elm St., or worst case scenario the subject matter would completely repulse and offend me, but instead I found something rather sophisticated and more fitting on the shelf where I put Cappola's Dracula, Labyrinth, Legend, In The Company Of Wolves, etc. It's much more like a gothic dark fantasy series than your general 80's horror franchise. I felt like I was watching a long-lost classic that nobody told me about, and nothing has really given me the same feeling I had back when I first watched all those nostalgic cult classics. Hellraiser 2 might even be ripping Labyrinth off a tiny bit, actually. If you're only familiar with Hellraiser because of the awful sequels (movies 3 to 9), you don't really know what the originals are like at all.

So without further ado, here’s my long-winded, [TOTALLY SPOILERIFIC, YOU WERE WARNED] analysis under the cut. ;P

[Warning for discussion of difficult subject matter from the films, including implications of past child abuse, attempted sexual assault, objectification of women (intentionally depicted, not as a failing of the films), allegorical kink-themed demons, etc. In the films It’s all imo presented rather tamely/tactfully outside of the over-the-top 80′s gore, but we’re talking a bit about all of this under the cut.]

I see the first Hellraiser film as dealing specifically with the evils of selfish, consumptive physical gratification, devoid of spiritual substance/humanity. Frank opens the door to Hell through a desire to reach new pleasures, because he’d exhausted all other avenues. He’s unsatisfied with what this world can give him, so he seeks out “the pleasures of heaven or hell,” he doesn’t care which. And I feel this speaks to what is at the heart of Frank, namely nothing at all. Frank is a being that exists purely for his own physical gratification. He is a textbook sociopath; essentially empty, devoid of emotional substance, and so he seeks to fill that void in him with physical pleasure. In that endless consumption Frank dehumanizes women; they become objects who’s humanity he disregards entirely. I’ve seen people try to call Frank a somewhat “sympathetic” villain (in the literary sense, not the ~redeemable~ woobie sense) even if he’s revolting, because apparently people can relate to his (and Julia’s) dissatisfaction with the banality of life, but Frank’s dissatisfaction comes from a place of spiritual emptiness. He is disconnected from his own humanity and the humanity of others, and so he wanders endlessly in search of the next base, physical high (so uh, personally, I find it hard to relate).

This is mirrored in Julia, who abandons the “emotional” roles of wife and step-mother in order to resurrect Frank, who gave her the physical gratification she holds above all else in her life, including her own morality and the lives of others. Julia is slightly more sympathetic because her dissatisfaction seems to stem from a sense of being pushed into traditional female roles that give her no fulfillment, so there are interesting elements of women’s oppression creating a human disconnect for Julia (particularly when it comes to the ways in which men dehumanize/use her). That said, I think it’s clear from Julia’s behavior across the board that her disconnect from her humanity is exacerbated by her obsession with the physical fulfillment she finds with Frank. There is an interesting line in the film from Frank, where he describes the relationship they have as being “like love, only real,” implying that he rejects the highly spiritual, emotional concept of “love,” as though he perceives what is purely physical as the only thing of real value. For Julia, I’d imagine that this has become a truth for her, because the traditional “loving” relationships of “wife” to Larry and “mother” to Kirsty brought her no fulfillment.

The men in general of the film seek this same selfish gratification - Julia seduces men home to feed to Frank, all of them seeking to consume her. You can see this underlying consumptive menace when the first man she drags home reveals his true colors, spitting angry words under his breath at her when she starts to seem hesitant. (it is interesting that she in turn is “consuming” them; they serve a material purpose to her that has nothing to do with their personhood. She’s feeding them to Frank, who literally consumes their life-force.) Larry also reveals a consumptive side when Julia tries to distract him with sexuality; she starts to shout “no!” (at Frank, who is looming menacingly in the shadows ready to strike at Larry), and it not only takes him way too many “no’s” to actually stop kissing her, he gets indignant at Julia’s “hot and cold” behavior, as if he was owed her body and denied. There’s little regard for her needs; he does not ask if something had hurt her, if she was okay, he only says with indignation that “he just doesn’t understand her,” rather than make any attempts at understanding.

H2′s Dr. Channard is another case of a consumptive soul, single-mindedly obsessed with his pursuits. However, unlike Frank, Channard’s obsessions are, for the most part, non-sexual. Channard has a sadistic, clinical fascination with the mind, endlessly consumed with a need for knowledge and discovery. But while Channard’s obsessions are focused in a mental space, it could be said that this too is a soullessly physical pursuit; he views the mind as an object to viciously plunder, and so human beings become objects for his purposes. So, like Frank, he is a character utterly incapable of empathy, humanity. The sexualized Male Gaze is unnecessary for dehumanization.

Despite all this objectification and abuse, despite the heavy underlying sexuality in these two films, they both seriously lack any Male Gaze whatsoever. In fact, all images of sexuality are pretty much entirely given to us from the perspective of women. There is a single exception of Male Gaze bullshit in H2, where there's a woman hanging topless for no justifiable reason in Julia's murder room, though you could actually blink at the right moment and miss it entirely (and we don't see a man or monster perpetrate violence against her, it's just Julia who promptly eats her). While Clive Barker directed the first film (and is a gay man), the second film was directed by Tony Randall (who is I believe a straight man), and it's things like that one little topless moment and the mild focus on Channard's enchantment with Julia that makes H2 lean slightly further away from H1's Male Gaze-less track record. That aside, Hellraiser 1 and 2 are rather unique for their time period in this way, because it's such a hard-hitting focus on women's experience of sexuality, or how women experience male sexuality in particular, which in Hellraiser is almost always predatory, un-self-aware, or in Steve and Kyle's romantic designs on Kirsty, a little bit too self-focused and limp. This is starkly contrasted with Hellraiser 3 and pretty much all Hellraiser films after it (particularly the constant callous objectification and violence perpetrated against women in Revelations, which surprise surprise, is the most recent film. Thank's modern cinema. Don't fucking remake Hellraiser you sociopaths). Hellraiser 3 was the first film to feature Pinhead committing violence agains a woman (that fact right there? that's fucking amazing for an 80's horror franchise. Especially one featuring these themes.), who in the moment is scantily clad and just had somewhat graphic sex with J.P., and the visceral and negative reaction I had to this dumb, cringey scene is very different than any of the reactions I had to the gore of the first two films. It's nothing too hard to handle (he rips her skin off with a hook in a bad effect and then the evil pillar eats her, so it's very gory but nothing shocking), but I mention it because the first two films really stand out as horror films that managed to deal with the abuse and objectification of women as a subject without actually objectifying them or showing us gratuitous, fetishistic shock-value surrounding that abuse, the way so many contemporary horror, thriller, and crime-procedural media does.

Beyond Frank and Julia, the other half of this story deals with Kirsty and the Cenobites. First of all, Kirsty is someone directly harmed by the consumptive, selfish gratification of both Frank and Julia - with Frank, there are fairly blatant implications of child abuse that may have occurred years prior (and if not, most certainly he intends on abusing her now). As for Julia, Kirsty likely wanted a mother figure after the death of her biological mother, and she was denied this emotional connection from Julia. Later, Julia becomes a direct agent facilitating Frank’s attempt at abusing Kirsty. Julia doesn’t seem to care who is harmed in the wake of Frank’s consumption, as long as she can still receive gratification.

Kirsty is the major character who breaks this mold of reckless obsession with the physical. All of Kirsty’s dilemmas are focused in a spiritual, human place. She lost her mother years prior and is still struggling with her grief. Her relationship with Julia is strained, so any hope of a mother-daughter connection after that loss has been entirely torn asunder for her. She loves her father dearly, but she’s just gained her independence and is dealing with worry over her father. Her father wants her to play mediator in his strained relationship with Julia, who she dislikes. She’s starting out a new relationship with Steve, possibly her first adult relationship ever. She’s dealing with either a secret abuse trauma and/or traumatized over Frank’s re-appearance and physical assault of her. Where Frank and Julia are obsessively absorbed in their need for physical gratification, Kirsty deals with many layers of spiritual/emotional realities, positive and negative.

The Cenobites, as we know them in the first film, are cosmic beings that exist in extreme, grotesque excess of sensory experience, far beyond any human comprehension of “pleasure.” All they truly understand is pain. Their function is to reap the souls who intentionally open Hell’s door and enact literal eternal torture; Hell consumes souls like meat to rend and tear (an interesting juxtaposition of flesh and spirit that I’ll discuss more when I get into H2). These creatures seem almost devoid of anything recognizably human in terms of emotionality (in the first film anyway), they are Borg-like. But again, a wolf is not a wolf. These beings, and Hell itself, are supernatural allegories for the human character’s dilemmas. In this film, they are the looming threat of eternal consumption devoid of humanity, given face. The oblivion on the other side of the threshold. You invoke their presence, they come at your call.

There’s more to say about how all this plays out in the first film, particularly when it comes to how Kirsty is the second person (after Frank) to summon the Cenobites and how she uses them against her abuser, but first I want to bring up aspects that are more prominent in the second film to pull this whole picture together (the films really are a “Part 1 and Part 2,” to me).

The second film (my favorite, if you couldn’t tell) focuses much more heavily on spiritual themes. It’s set almost entirely in either a mental hospital or Hell, respectively. So immediately, we’re given two pictures, one of a place of spiritual/emotional healing, and one of eternal spiritual and physical torment, the lines between the two blurring and distorting as we get further into the story. This is important because this film seems to focus much more on the experience of psychological/emotional trauma.

“The mind is a labyrinth,” Channard says, as he artfully performs a grotesque procedure on the brain of a patient. And so too is this reflected in H2′s depiction of Hell as an endless cthonic Labyrinth, where lost souls experience hallucinatory reflections of their traumas and vices, subjected to psychological and physical punishments eternally under the watchful eye of Leviathan, the “god of flesh, hunger, and desire.”

Leviathan as an entity is a rather interesting and ambiguous being. Certainly, it is a “god” of baseness and physicality, but it’s realm is made of psychological torment, perhaps more so than it is a place of physical torture. Whether you are a “good” or “bad” person is utterly irrelevant; if you are in Hell, your soul gets reflected back to you, often with a heavy focus on traumas of your past. For Kirsty this manifests in her childhood home and images of her mother, which begin bleed and transform into an image of Julia - and perhaps it manifests in Frank’s presence. Although according to Frank, Kirsty has stumbled across “his” little corner of hell which manifests “his” punishments, the first time I watched the film (before he explained where they were) I initially was convinced that behind this second door was another reflection of Kirsty, that it was another trial for her to face. It looked to be the exact same door as her own, and well, the writhing ghostly women under sheets seemed to be an image of sexual repression or fear of sexuality (the brief glimpse of the woman who Kirsty pulls the sheet off of has her hair, as well). Is this piece of hell reflecting Frank’s punishments, or Kirsty’s fears, trauma, possible repression, etc? Or is it reflecting both simultaneously? It’s still rather ambiguous to me, actually. But I digress.

The point is that there is this heavier focus on trauma in H2, where H1 was much more tightly focused on the folly of reckless, single-minded physicality without human connection. This focus on trauma adds a whole new layer of dimension to the narrative because “pain” itself is something much more complex, here. Here, it is revealed that the Cenobites were once humans, and that humanization of these creatures that were once presented to us as allegory and pure cosmic evil is very interesting. Rather than present the Cenobites as the ultimate culmination of personalities like Frank when consumed by Hell, it’s presented as if these Cenobites were perhaps relatively innocent people. Why then, do some people become Cenobites, while others stay as tormented souls? To me, the answer is still unclear. I'm not sure there actually is an answer, beyond the whims of Leviathan. (Channard is the obviously monstrous person who was changed, but he seemed to me to have been chosen as a tool in the moment and then discarded. ) That said, “suffering” itself is more than just the experience of physical pain; the psychological nature of hell implies that this is also internal suffering, and the Cenobites aren’t just entities there to enact physical torture. They are beings that exist in this eternal, perpetual suffering of all kinds, who speak of that experience as something sublime.

The Cenobites spend the majority of their time in both films popping up periodically to speak to Kirsty, from ominous threats of eternal torture, to invitation of joining them, to mocking her with insinuations that some part of her wants their world. For Kirsty, they are demons that reflect back to her all those fears and repressions, all her internal confusion and torment, which is what they spend most of their time doing in the first two films. In Hellraiser 3, there's more of this element of Cenobites as psychological reflections: Pinhead acts as a tempter, using the psyches of the humans he encounters to ensnare souls, which is why with J.P. he's literally consuming women, and for Terri, he switches gears to be the voice of female vengeance.

Earlier in the film, we are given multiple references to fairy tales, usually as used by older adults to mock and belittle Kirsty. The detective mocks her for making up fairy tales about “demons,” and Julia mocks her by comparing Kirsty to Snow White and herself to the Wicked Stepmother/Evil Queen. These side characters demoralize Kirsty in her idealistic efforts to rescue her father from Hell and fight back against forces much larger than herself that a more cynical person could scarcely imagine overcoming. Later, quite similarly to the west wing sequence in Beauty and the Beast (I think coincidentally so, Disney’s BATB came out a few years afterwards), Kirsty explores a dangerous place (Channard’s home) and finds an old, faded picture of a man who she recognizes as the monster she has previously encountered. Ultimately, Kirsty saves herself and another girl through an act almost unbelievably idealistic and naive, especially for such a dark story. She finds a way to transform a monster back into a human being. This was a victory won not with physical violence, but through humanity; a fairy-tale-esque triumph that flew in the face of those who tried to demoralize or deny Kirsty’s reality. Furthermore, this victory is not about the tragedy of Pinhead, but the triumph of humanity and empathy overcoming darkness.

There are a few expressions of human connection and empathy in these two films, like the care between Kirsty and her father, or the attraction between Kirsty and Steve, Kyle’s attraction and care for Kirsty, or Tiffany holding Kirsty as she cries over her father, But for me there was never quite a moment as striking and emotionally raw than when Kirsty and Spencer are looking at each other across the darkness once his human face is revealed. It feels like very artful, deliberate visual contrast to the circumstances and surroundings. But I digress.

So to clarify this picture: Kirsty is faced with monsters personifying everything that represented her trauma and fears, etc. They represented all-consuming physicality without humanity, they represented the things in herself she may have tried to suppress (sexuality, trauma, etc.). Monsters that wanted her to be as consumed by their world as they were. She then utilizes her demons to destroy her abuser, and later recognizes the humanity in her demons and transforms them, frees them from their spiritual and physical eternal torment, and in turn is saved from the same fate, herself.

The third film (which I enjoy despite the fact that it is admittedly a raging trash fire) features a cast of characters all dealing with similar situations. J.P. is our endlessly consumptive user, and Joey and Terri are two women dealing with spiritual trauma. Joey through the loss of her father, and Terri through a broken home life and later abuse at the hands of J.P. The reason why I include the third film in this is because of those additional elements and the insight it gives into Pinhead’s human self, Captain Spencer, and how he perfectly bookends the narrative. Spencer is another person who once opened the box, but it was never clear why he did so in the second film. In the third film, he explains that he was trying to escape spiritual suffering (war trauma/PTSD) through physical means ("forbidden pleasures,” aka kink). At some point he came across the box and opened it. While there are plenty of monstrous men in all three Hellraiser films, and Pinhead himself is a literal monster bent on taking any soul who opens the box with some form of desire in their hearts, my take away from H3 was not that Spencer himself was ever an abuser like Frank or J.P. (and indeed his behavior when lucidly himself in H2 and 3 is decidedly in immediate defense of women he cares about, up to and including two counts of total self-sacrifice), but that Spencer was perhaps pushing his explorations into unsafe realms of self-harming. He was punishing himself, and was thus made into a cosmic punisher of others by Leviathan. So, unlike Frank or Channard or J.P., people who are susceptible to the box/Hell’s temptations because of their need to endlessly consume, Spencer was susceptible because he was so effected by spiritual suffering that he turned towards unhealthy physical means of escape. In my mind, there is something in this idea of self-punishment/self-blame that is also potentially true of, say, Kirsty. How else would she be genuinely susceptible to the box (beyond basic desire having opened it initially), if not that she was teetering on a similar edge, herself? (However, I think perhaps her darkness also veers into a streak of sadistic vengefulness.)

This actually makes the extended cut of the H6 Pinhead/Kirsty reuinion scene a lot more tragic and distressing for me, because underneath all the bullshit, there’s this subtext of Kirsty still running from her Hell and yet still encountering consumptive, abusive men and being pushed off the deep end into untempered vengefulness and violence. And Spencer, who once was freed by her and in turn sacrificed himself to free her from Hell, trapped once more in his monsterous form and obsessing instead over dragging Kirsty down with him to be as endlessly consumed by her pain as he is within his own. No thanks on that grimdark noise, H6. ...but fucking wow, tho. If you've seen Hellseeker but have never seen the extended cut of this scene, I'm linking it Right Here. Warning for...just...ugh. Badly written infuriating creepy grimdark bullshit that genuinely sounds like a bad fanfiction writer wrote it. But at least you have that one moment right at the end where you can hear Spencer's voice come through to help her get free.

In conclusion, I think Hellraiser is a story about, well, Hell. But Hell not as nebulous place where the really bad people go, but Hell as an allegory for eternal spiritual suffering, that absolutely anyone can reach and be effected by once a gateway is opened for them. Particularly so when it comes to reckless physical indulgence, or consumption, or unsafe vice overtaking one’s humanity to others, or towards one’s self. So ultimately, the “moral of the story,” if you’d like to call it that, is that in order to protect one’s self from being consumed by spiritual suffering, one must cherish and cultivate their own humanity, and in the case of people who have been traumatized and/or victimized, one must fight back against the consuming force of that spiritual suffering through confronting the hell that exists within. Sometimes that doesn’t mean blasting the darkness away and ignoring it’s existence, it means reminding the darkness that it is only human.

[Regarding the content of the films, feel free to message me if you decide to watch them but you feel you need a total break-down of what to prepare for.]

#Hellraiser #This is my meta post for this weekend #some of you are not as keen on DW or are on it less often I know #so here you go my dudes #if you see me around too often call me out on it #Horror #Meta

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droesslervalente1996 · 4 years

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derkastellan · 4 years

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Musings: Fanboys...

I hope I don’t come over as a negative nelly in general, I have to admit coming from a culture that likes to criticize. A minor sample maybe, but in the heady days Google+ (which was quite a boon for roleplayers in general) I was part of a discussion where a bunch of grumpy Germans complained that our American friends tended to hype even rather mediocre products over the moon - and would avidly defend their makers from criticism.

I even forgot the name of the product - a copy-cat imitation of the Forgotten Realms (themselves not the most original product at times) for Savage Worlds. Ah yes, Shaintar. Found it. I remember one reviewer quipping that the map only contained equidistant cities. A bit of a cardinal sin for making a varied map.

I come to this from two recent experiences - trying out Monte Cook’s Numenera and then reinstalling Torment: Tides of Numenera to play it after it sat there for two years or more, unfinished.

I like Numenera for its setting, but I think the game system is seriously overhyped among its fans. It tries to codify how the GM interacts with the story into meta-gaming with the players, and it does so poorly, and it at times tries to solve the wrong problems. Basically, “GM intrusions” are meant to make the game “more interesting” but the first thing they came up with in the original edition was to say “well, your sword breaks in the middle of combat.” And they have been struggling with finding a better way to express it since. Taking the Narrative by the Tail is another product failing to do so.

Now, over time “GM intrusions” (and now: “Player Intrusions”) have evolved by people using them. If you like the idea of giving the players a bit of a story choice the system is workable but frankly to me it just messes with the natural flow of GMing a game and pacing it well. Also, by now reddit provides many decent examples of GM intrusions and help for many other of Numenera’s issues. Of which there are plenty. The game tries to be not as crunchy (and definitely not as combat-oriented) but it only gets there halfway. It is neither a good/pure story game nor does it truly leave its d20 roots behind. It leaves many areas poorly defined - like what is an action, what is a saving throw/free roll? It’s wishy-washy language and omissions make several focus descriptors and powers in the game something the GM has to research online or figure out for themselves, when really these should have been properly game-designed given they made it into the core book of a game. (And 2nd edition, at that! Does all of this truly get play-tested?)

You wouldn’t know this from reading through the internet. Some people are over the moon about this game as if it set them free from some imaginary shackles. You would at times this is a gift from the gods to players and GMs alike. I guess if you only ever played D&D and clones before this might be true (somewhat), but there are so many other RPGs out there just as good or better. Don’t get me wrong: Numenera is a solid, enjoyable experience. But it’s also at times clunky and not exceptional as a game engine.

Its setting is exceptional , though. It sometimes relies a bit on fridge logic, but is interesting, fascinating, full of potential, and encourages many play styles from regular dungeon fantasy to horror and even to building your own settlement. The game is well-supported and there are some gems for it. (And what fridge logic you ask? You have had at least one galaxy-dominating previous culture on Earth but it just left the Numenera of these other civilizations untouched, even though it must have surpassed all these other civilizations? This does not compute... There are several of these in this game.)

And therein, I think, lies the rub. You see, when people tend to fall in love with something - the feeling of being freed from some rules-lawyering shackles maybe, or a great setting, they tend to view the whole thing through rose-tinted glasses. Even things worthy of critique.

There is another game where I experienced this, a game in comparison to which Numenera shines but has some similarities with. Shadow of the Demon Lord. It is another attempt at a lighter version of a D&D-like game that sells itself through its setting. What lured me in was them claiming they had a rich and varied set of classes customizable into 64 variations that was somehow similar to Warhammer Fantasy RPG (which I had not played at that point, but 4th edition I’ve discussed since...).

Numenera and SotDL have indeed something very much in common. They both allow you to select from a big set of character building options to build very narrowly defined, one-trick pony characters. Have a few powers from the same theme but not many, definitely too few to build a varied toolbox to solve problems with.

For Numenera I realized this when playing Torment: Tides of Numenera. You quickly realize how few powers and variations you have thereof in a computer game.Both the CRPG and the tabletop try to explain that limitation away by de-emphasizing combat, or claiming to do so. Fact is, tabletop Numenera has slews of interesting, captivating, and visually brilliantly depicted enemies that feature everywhere in the game, so combat, while not directly rewarded, is as much a feature of the game as in D&D almost. You don’t publish 350+ pages (Ninth World Bestiary 1 & 2, beautiful products!) worth of monster manual without intending the GM to use it... but as varied as these might be, your character is not.

The one-use cyphers and artifacts then serve to give you the missing problem-solving capabilities and to vary your approach, but think about it for a moment. If the GM hands out a cypher befitting your problem, how is that different from playing a point-and-click adventure on tabletop? Figure out where and how to apply the solution. A puzzle. Often in D&D your wizard, cleric, druid, etc powers can become tools expanding the ways in which you solve things your own way. Given the limits of your class builds items become their replacement in Numenera. And frankly, I’m quite okay with that! (Though it becomes very unconvincing in the generic Cypher System spun off from Numenera and The Strange.) By which I mean, at least you have something here to build a toolbox, albeit a temporary one, from. (And after all, didn’t most of the powers a character could really rely on in old-school D&D come from their gear?)

Shadows and Demons and... oh Lord, why?

In comparison, SotDL character feel ... just limited. I quickly discovered how poorly balanced the game was when running it for a few levels with my players. When you don’t optimize the build for the fighter type, you can’t get into the heavy gear early and the rogue became, by no special virtue of the player, the main damage dealer. The wizard and cleric types had very limited spell selections, and the wizard was the better healer by virtue of being able to get into additional spell schools. The wording of many powers was confusing and I had regular rules questions for the web community without satisfying answers.

The choices you make during character evolution hem you in, forcing you to live with your limiting choices, they do not expand your character, at least it doesn’t feel this way. There may be 64 variations, but they are all very limited in scope, making characters of very limited capability. The poor balancing between basic classes and the unsatisfying rules made me switch the group to 5th edition D&D, and we never regretted that in comparison.

But again other people reacted in general very differently to the game, and maybe that was due to liking the setting. You see, I didn’t like the setting and did have a very different game in mind. (And now they are releasing a version basically doing the same. A bit late for me, but maybe they want to expand away from their original buyer base.)

But people may have very well liked the dark fantasy, horror, grim vibe. And if you’re into that, maybe it delivers for you. I can’t tell. I honestly can’t. I do know however that the game was well-supported with a slew of expansion books and adventures, giving people plenty to chew on. And I think that combination of setting and support plus some hype gave many people reason to like the game. (And it is a lighter engine, no doubt, if you prefer that kind of thing. I usually do!)

Wherein I actually try to make the original point

And that’s what I’m getting at. It’s hard to put out your own view of these games without running into people who behave like fanboys. And I am actually happy I only was disagreed with emphatically, but not in a hateful way. It just annoys me that people want to ignore a game’s failings because it also has strengths. Do a few things right enough and you will attract people who will see no wrong.

Now, Steam’s binary rating system (recommend/do not recommend) doesn’t help with videogames for example, but when seeing that Torment: Tides of Numenera has by now a “Mostly Positive” rating one has to wonder. The game is mediocre at best, really buggy, and short. But I have to admit because of its setting and aspirations of living up to a much better game, people to tend to give it a lot of credit where little is due. Admittedly my opinion, but you can find many well-reasoned, well-written scathing reviews of the game.

Yet people have by now elevated it into “Most Positive” where “Mixed Ratings” would serve it just right. Neither good nor all bad. But somehow how people would like to feel about it, or people wanting to push the genre, or people getting it for less money erased over time all the controversy of unfulfilled promises, bugs, or its other failings. (I reviewed it here if you are interested. I will say no more.)

Criticize what is improvable, love what’s great. I might even give the new SotDL spin-off a try. I am sometimes very critical of games but I always hope for a lot. And I wish these games were fixed and improved upon, not left in the state they are. I wish there would be a better edition of Dungeon Crawl Classics because the game could benefit from a coherent feel and vision, right now it’s a mess, but a lovable one. I wish there were improved versions of both the games I discussed here at length because I like well-supported games, and these issues are fixable. (And sadly, you can criticize computer games all you want, but few are fixed. I’m happy that some publishers listen and Pillars of Eternity, Divinity: Original Sin, and a few others got better sequels.)

Frankly, I might like playing Numenera with 5th edition rules better, and they offer that. While this is another hype money train everybody wants to get on, if done right, it can work. 5e is a solid, robust system, and while delivering mostly one kind of experience, it does so very well.

What I’m saying is that all games are improvable. New editions can be made, compatible even with older ones. D&D had 3rd edition superseded with 3.5 for good reasons. Numenera: Discovery balanced the basic classes better in terms of powers, it was quite apparent that they tried to avoid players making un-hittable jacks or glaives spamming the same moves all the time. Games evolve and they should. By making Numenera: Discovery pregens for a Numenera 1st edition adventure I realized how subtle the changes were and started to appreciate them.

Just dare to call a horse a horse. While I prefer peaceful fanboys over the trolling kind, there’s no reason to spare improvable games criticism. And all games are improvable!

(And to be fair, Numenera does a lot of things right. It’s mechanic to reduce a roll’s difficulty to 0 and thereby avoiding it is a very worthy addition to the role-playing catalog. It rewards skillful stacking of advantages and makes players feel they have reliable competence at their hands like no d100, d20, or 3d6 system can imitate.)

#role-playing #rpg #tabletop #pen & paper #musings #numenera #shadow of the demon lord

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drink-n-watch · 5 years

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Genre: Existential horror, supernatural, artsy

Length:

Studio: ufotable

Sometimes it’s hard to wrap your head around just being you. What does that even mean, anyway? What exactly are you supposed to do with existing? Nothing really, that’s the rub. It’s the same old questions philosophers and emo teens have been asking since the dawn of time and we’re no closer to an answer. Or rather, the answer is different for each person and seeking it out can be a painful and violent venture. Yet this is exactly what each player in this tragedy must do, in their own way, their paths crossing and diverging again as they each must find their own truth within themselves. The only thing we can be sure about is that there will be blood.

I’ve already watched 4 of these movies. I’ve shared my thoughts along the way. There were highs and lows but one thing I can definitely say is that for better or worse, the Garden of Sinners franchise has a very distinctive voice. And in this 5th chapter, it was screaming!

it’s a figure of speech, no one screams in this movie

I watched this movie last night and it’s still dancing around my head. Vividly! Throughout the movies, I’ve been praising production and tracking the use of non-textual (verbal) storytelling. It’s what first attracted me to the franchise, and I was sad to see this aspect pared down as the movies progressed. I can tell you, it’s back in full force and then some!

The overall quality of the art, acting and animation is fairly similar to what we saw in the last two movies, but the directing has taken quite the ambitious turn! There are tons of flair in framing and angles. Action is shot with wavering focus, almost simulating motion sickness. Of course, all of it is carefully intertwined with the story and really an integral part of the narrative. I can’t praise that framing enough, which becomes almost a central feature of the second arc (Mikiya’s) but I’ll talk about it more when I get to the story. Like I said, the way the plot is presented is as important as what’s happening in it.

And that’s just one aspect. The use of symbolic colour is liberally applied both in direct touches and in overall ambient tint throughout the movie. Perspective is constantly tweaked (forced, fisheye, panoramic) which gives eerie qualities to scenes or creates uneasy claustrophobia, which then affects how you take in the dialogue and events to ensure both a literal and emotional read of the story.

there’s no way you can really appreciate it without watching the movie

Finally editing tricks are incorporated throughout. Frequent jump cuts, repeated scenes sometimes identical sometimes shown from different angles or points of view and odd cold cuts before what would be considered the natural endpoint of a scene both focus your attention on specific elements without the need of exposition and creates interesting reveals. We even get tiny slivers of flashbacks that clearly fit into the narrative of previous movies to give you new reveals and flesh out the general lore and world-building of the franchise.

In case I’ve not made it abundantly clear, the technical presentation of the move was a spellbinding act of artistry. So far, the best example in the series and really one of the best I’ve seen in anime in general.

I was saying something nice…and it’s “Irina”

But with a two-hour movie, you need more than just craftsmanship to hold your attention. The Garden of Sinners established its core thesis right from the start. These movies deal with existential angst in a brutal and deliberate way. They attack it from every angle. The meaning and responsibility of life. The vague notion of personal identity. The dissonance of existing in a reality entirely defined by our personal understanding and experiences while colliding with everyone else’s realities.

These are heady themes and to be honest, the franchise can be hit or miss in its attempts at expression, but it is always deliberate and single-minded which I appreciate. Whether you agree or not with the messaging or even the purpose of exploring such grandstanding philosophical questions at all, you can’t deny that the Garden of Sinners has something to say. That’s worth something in my book.

This specific movie is presented in three general arcs. In the first, we follow a young man named Enjo who meets Shiki by accident, and the mysteries he brings with him. Enjo is trying to escape a tragic past with nowhere to go but as the story progresses and dead people seem to be coming back to life, it gets difficult to pinpoint what’s real and what isn’t.

does Enjo remind you of someone?

Together, Shiki and Enjo are trying to figure out exactly what happened in this condominium complex when Enjo thought he had lost his family. It’s a very sad story with some downright unpleasant events but it’s framed as a mystery and occasional almost like a procedural. I’ve come to realize that I can enjoy very sad events in a different way when they come with a puzzle. My mind fixates on collecting clues and solving the mystery instead of being sad for the people within it. I think this is why we can watch crime shows without crying or calling them horror.

The second arc gives us intertwining blocks of events from Mikiya’s point of view (I learned that this was Kokuto’s name and I love it). We realize that characters we thought were absent were actually also actively taking part in the story and the two arcs eventually collide.

This is where that framing I was talking about earlier becomes so important. Shiki is part of this arc, but we never see her. She’s always just off camera. We hear her or see the effect she has on objects but that’s all. A disembodied presence, like a ghost moving through a story that’s not really hers.

who threw that book?

The final arc brings everything together for the conclusion. I have to admit, simply seeing Shiki again had a powerful visceral impact on me that I did not expect. I like her as a character but I’m more emotionally attached to Mikiya and my beloved Touko (let’s face it, we all know she’s my type). Moreover, Shiki was front and center in the first arc. As such, I hadn’t realized how much I had missed her until she was there. This is smart direction and editing on the next level.

We find out more about Touko’s past here which I enjoyed if only for seeing Touko as a super-hot teenager and Mikiya is a very good leading man for this type of story. The only flaw I can find is with the antagonist(s). Unfortunately, it’s a big one.

The Garden of Sinners Chapter 5, Paradox Paradigm (maybe I’ll talk about this title someday), introduces Souren Araya as a powerful main antagonist and Cornelius Alba as a secondary villain. They take up quite a bit of room in the story and Araya is pivotal to the plot. You could say he is pretty much the entire driving force behind this movie. And they are both painfully dull.

arrrgh, stop monologuing…it hurts…

Honestly, they feel like they belong to a different narrative. Basic, uninteresting and not even that scary. They are unworthy of the rest of the cast. Where Enjo brought a vulnerability which created interesting conflict and interplay with both Shiki and Mikiya, Araya and Alba are just there. They advance the plot in the least engaging way possible. And their little magical diatribes are muddled and bog everything down rather than add to the story.

I thought Fujino in Chapter 3 was fairly unrealized, but she is brilliant compared to these two. It has led me to believe that the Garden of Sinners is really much better when Shiki is her own worst enemy as they have not been able to create a villain that can stand on equal footing with her.

The second arc also basically explains the events of the first (with a rather unsatisfying the wizard did it sort of solution) which effectively puts an end to the mystery. This means those unpleasant events suddenly hit you with the full brunt of just how sad the story is. That’s not a flaw in any way. It just makes it a more emotionally taxing experience and I had to turn the TV off and take a little break after.

I’m Getting Some Ice Cream!!!

The ending is fine, it’s constrained by the failing of the second arc so I wouldn’t call it amazing, but it definitely has its moments and brings some nice emotional closure. The last scene before the credits (there’s a cute after credits scenes), has soft snow starting to fall, which ties it in with the meteorological theming of the franchise.

This was a long review. You should see my notes; they are all over the place. So, what’s the takeaway. Up until the confrontation with Araya and Alba, I thought the movie was brilliant. I was gearing up to rate it close to perfect and add it to my favourites. These two guys knocked the rating down a full point. The plot is only truly captivating in the first arc but the technical artistry shines throughout and the other characters make the second and third arc worth it, even if it does start to drag a bit at the hour and a half mark.

Despite its failings, this is still a very good movie and I do recommend you watch it. I’m just a little bitter at how close it got to be an amazing movie!

almost there…

Favourite character: Touko – is this not clear yet?

What this anime taught me: mechanical pencils are called “rocket pencils” in Japan. That information makes me inexplicably happy.

Technically, alcohol is a solution

Suggested drink: A Time Warp

Every time someone refuses to stay dead – take a sip

Every time we see Tomoe’s mom – take a sip

Every time we see a key – take a sip

Every time we see a clock – take a sip

every time we see a key AND a clock – gasp

Every time anyone stabs anything – take a sip

Every time we see a doorknob/handle – get some water

Every time you spot a repeated scene – take a deep breath

Every time there’s a picture or painting – take a sip

Every time we see a puppet – take a sip

everything’s better with more Touko

Being such a visually stunning movie, I couldn’t resist taking an unreasonable amount of screencaps which you can see here. Be warned, although I have chosen fairly innocent ones for the post, some on my Pinterest board are both graphic and potentially spoilery.

The Garden of Sinners Chapter 5 – Paradox Paradigm or The Saddest Groundhog Day Genre: Existential horror, supernatural, artsy Length: Studio: ufotable Sometimes it’s hard to wrap your head around just being you.

#action #anime #Garden of Sinners #Horror #Mystery #supernatural #Time

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soworthloving · 7 years

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A Love Letter

By Madison Garrett

It’s the kind of night that I knew, nearly instantly, that I would look back on it with fierce fondness.

My ears still ring with the thrill of it.

I remember Will’s arm suddenly around my shoulders, so I put mine around Alex’s who put his around Hayes, and suddenly we were all connected, jumping up and down, raving, roaring the lyrics to Mr. Brightside with Becca trapped, crying with laughter, in the very middle. It was the quintessential moment. It was only a kiss, how did it end up like this? The ending senior formal deserved. It was a night for feasting on fancy Italian food that none of us could pronounce, a night of waiting on bread and literally eating wild boar and discussing our go-to fun facts. Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. The night I ruined Tinkerbell for everyone in the Uber and heard about our driver’s eyebrow-raising past, the night we all shrieked and clung to each other after a sudden stop at an intersection. That night, the silent disco glowed with red and blue headphones, each color pulsing with a different tune, each person jiving to their own soundtrack. It was the strangest phenomenon- how right it all felt when I was sure that I should be overly emotional and nostalgic, caught up in the reverie of the ending of things. But instead, I laced flowers into my hair and hid my heels and danced barefoot in a stranger’s spilled beer. I ran away from the lead singer who was trying to pull me on stage and later jumped down to dance with me. It was a night of hobbling in heels out of breath across the parking lot of Gamma Phi to get the roses to the girl who deserved them, and missing her by five minutes but still hugging her neck because that’s what I needed to do. It was the night our entire pledge class joined together and celebrated being together by walls of lions and forests and really loud music, but we sat and savored and had intentional conversations as the craziness roared on around us. I was exhausted- we all were exhausted- but we kept going. We were rewriting freshmen year, as if to say “that doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is that we are here now, together now, and knowing each other better now than ever before.” Indeed, here we all are, together, wrapped up in arms and sweat and headphones and love, and we are all shouting Mr. Brightside, and we are all so alive that our hearts are beating just a little bit faster than normal and we know- we just know- that this is a moment that matters. This is one to be lived and savored and recognized as important.

And so we sing and we rage against the dying light and we laugh and we live, doing life together for as long as we have left to do so. Open up my eager eyes cuz I’m Mr. Brightside. I don’t like to write endings. Conclusions are always the weakest parts of my papers, usually thrown together in a desperate attempt to be DONE, with little attention given to making them good or meaningful. I get angry at the ending of TV shows and movies (Read: How I Met Your Mother) and often finish books completely unsatisfied by the way the author ended the story. These days, I firmly and actively push against endings, repeatedly praying that “the story is not over” when it comes to friendships and job searches and a certain cancer diagnosis. But the door is about to shut firmly on my days at UGA. I will walk across the stage at Park Hall and turn my tassel in Samford, and all of the sudden, my days of riding Orbit buses and reading T. S. Eliot on North Campus and gathering at Tate at 8 for Wesley will be gone. It’s been routine for four years- and then, suddenly, it’s over. It is an unavoidable ending, one in which goodbye’s are weird and constant and gradual and full of dot dot dots, as uncertainty fills our voices because we truly aren’t sure where or when or who we will be when we meet again. This is a beautiful and a hard ending, like the final rapid when white water rafting: thrilling, terrifying, exhilarating, uncertain, glorious, and then, over. It’s been four years of FULLNESS, of abundance, of growth and newness and transformation; my heart cannot seem to wrap around the idea that all of the sudden, by this time next week, the traditions I have built for four years will be obsolete, now just fond memories as I walk toward my unknown future. Such finality hurts my heart, rubbed raw by the gradual suddenness of it all, and how everything is changing and slipping away from me. However, I want to sit in this tension of being in-between, of being done but not yet finished, and let it matter. I want to challenge the despair and hopelessness that whisper lies in my ears about my worth and my future and the ending of this season. I instead want to write this as a love letter, an ode to everything these past and fast four years have been and everything I have become as a result. I want to write a love letter to the change, to the transition, to the glory behind me and the glory in front of me and all the unknown in-between. I want to speak life and joy into the whole “growing up” and “moving away from my friends and my community” and “not knowing what comes next” thing that I’ve been wrestling with for quite some time now. Life is most beautiful when lived in the unknown, and I am trying with everything I am to believe that every day, just one more time. I am trying to let go of my white-knuckled pride and the strained grip on my expectations and let God be God, because who He is does not waver. His tangibility, from one night to the next, from one season to the next, is unchanging. Sometimes, all I can celebrate is the fact that I am still seen and still known and still chosen. Sometimes, all I can do is decide to believe and let that belief guide me through the uncombed wildness of a season unexpected. Sometimes, when I am gripped with an inability to listen to The Head and the Heart’s “Rivers and Roads” and completely unable to imagine spending Monday nights anywhere but Bloomfield, I have to stop and lay my trembling heart and my rebellious will down at the feet of my faithful Father. Sometimes, it’s enough to look back on my four years and see the pathways and Ebenezers set up to mark where the Lord has been and what He has done in my life. In four years at UGA, the Lord exchanged my timidity for tenacity. My passivity for boldness. Dissatisfaction for joy. Heaviness and heartbreak for freedom. And so much more: courage, vulnerability, compassion, community, and vibrancy have all been instilled in me from the faithfulness of the Lord and the extravagance of His kingdom in Athens.

From every moment, it has been one shade of glory to the next, one degree of newness to the next. From glory to glory to glory. And I declare the truth of that glory, knowing full well the weight of such a statement. Knowing the other, broken side of glory SO WELL. In every rejection, every not-so-great grade on a Latin test, every heated class discussion…in the ended relationship and the dream deferred and the way-too-high water bill- there is glory.

In the diagnosis, in the desolation, and in the deliverance, there is glory.

I don’t always know how it will manifest. In fact, I rarely ever do. But I insist with every fiber of my exhausted, heart-worn body, that there. is. glory. in the transition. That this unknown, in-the-middle, in-between place MATTERS.

It must.

The Lord does not do anything that does not matter. He will not ever let hopelessness be the posture of His people.

There is glory, I believe, in it all. Even and especially when my human eyes cannot see it.

There is glory every time I get rejected from one of the fifty jobs I have applied to thus far.

There is glory in every NO, even when it brings me to sorrowful tears and when I must pick my heart back up and try to believe in the goodness of God again. In every heartbreak, in every broken place, there has been more beauty than I can put into words. There has been more faithfulness than I dreamed possible. There has been more favor than I could possibly deserve.

There is so much unknown ahead of me and ahead of us all.

But I am not afraid.

I go out into the world on tiptoe, not in fearful timidity but in resolved tenacity, bursting with eager anticipation and confident expectation, ready for what comes next, gazing joyfully into the unknown landscape and life before me.

And I am not afraid. Somewhere, He makes a place for me. His beauty eradicates my doubt. And even in the here and now, when I am listening to a Julie Andrews record on the floor of my apartment living room, after all the furniture has been moved, with only pillows and random piles of decoration everywhere and only command strips on the walls, when the evidence of the end is upon us, there. is. glory. Even when I face the last Movie Night Monday of the semester and my final papers and my graduation approaching steadily, even when dealing with something that is altogether heartbreaking and perfectly thrilling, I want to declare this love letter to all the change. Because I know who my Father is and I know who He empowers me to be.

I know that the story is not over, that love WILL surround the change, and that my weary world WILL rejoice. I know that here too, He is faithful, that I never fall outside of love, and that even when the seasons of mourning and dancing clash, His banner of favor over me is unchanging. College has been SO GOOD. UGA has been better and more beautiful than I ever imagined that it could be. I was an unwilling Bulldog even to the first day of classes, until I was filled with an overwhelming sense of belonging when I went to the Freshley cookout and walked across North Campus by myself for the first time. I had told the Lord over and over and over again that I didn’t want to go to UGA and that I didn’t want to join a sorority, but my sweet and faithful Father just laughed and did the most preposterous thing: gave me everything I never knew I wanted out of the very thing I prayed against. The Lord gave me sisters with whom I celebrate my most heartfelt victories and my deepest heartbreaks. They are the ladies who stand by my side at Wesley or sit across from me at Two Story or eat ridiculous amounts of food with me as we watch Nick Viall make terrible decisions. They are the girls who slept ten inches from my face when we lived in the house together, who participated in my every Dairy Queen blizzard run, and who unknowingly affirm my dreams when I am at my most disbelieving.

The Lord gave me UGA Wesley, an organization that transformed my heart so greatly that it is now unrecognizable from what it was before, encouraging me and challenging me and surrounding me with people who love and support me on all sides. He gave me my discipler, who who knows every messy, wayward part of me and still loves me and speaks life and victory over me. He gave me a community of people unlike anything I have ever experienced- people that stay, that engage, that uplift. Here, He gave me LIFE and JOY and PEACE and POWER. The Lord gave me a major and a department to fall in love with, even amongst the ancient, outdated, and kind-of gross walls of Park Hall, where the way I think is continually expanded, where my creativity flourishes, where my heart swells with wonder and imagination and a determination to know and learn and analyze MORE. He gave me a place where my word-loving heart is matched and edified by those around me. My senior year has simultaneously been the most heartbreaking and heart-filling of my life. I didn’t know that such a tension could be possible, but I exist in that tension daily-and the Lord sits with me in it, like I know He always will. Even in this new transition, after these four glorious and fully abundant and vibrant years, if I know the Lord, if I know who He is inherently and the preposterous things that He loves to do..

I know that what comes next is even better. And that feels big and bold and outlandish to say, because I have literally zero idea what is coming or where I will be in a month, let alone a year. But I’m deciding to believe such a preposterous truth.

I’m deciding to believe in the more.

I’m deciding to believe that He will preserve and champion the friendships He has orchestrated. I’m deciding to believe that He will foster EVEN MORE GROWTH and that His Holy Spirit will never leave my side. I’m deciding to believe that He WANTS me to know more of Him and that He will not cease fighting for my attention, no matter what season or place I find myself in. On the edge of so much unknown, I know full well that He is FAITHFUL. He holds my heart and holds my dreams and gives me more loveliness than I ever thought possible in an ending that should be all hard and no beauty. He introduces me to the sweet knowledge that sometimes (most times) people are more important. That sleep will come later, but the moment you are living is here now. I never want to miss laughing until my face hurts with people who know and love me in a house that has become a home. I will willingly exhaust myself and willingly procrastinate if it means that I get to savor and live in these sweet last moments of Princess Diaries and long talks and cheese dusted popcorn. This is a love letter to the change, a stance of defiance against the hopelessness that wants so badly to take root in my seasick heart. It is a love letter to the millions of ways that UGA has taught me and stretched me and changed me. It is an ode to every person who has loved me and every person who has changed me by their love. It is a love letter of absolute gratitude, of knowing the depths of my appreciation for the best four years of my life, for the most unexpected beauty, and for the sweetest memories than I could never hope to capture in a single essay. I don’t know what’s coming, but I know it’s gonna be good. Because I know the Lord. And I know the way He has shown up in abundance the past four years.

If I know the Lord, I know that there is more. And I know that, truly, this is not the end.

If I know the Lord, the story is never over. And that fills me with an irrepressible joy, igniting in me a fervent, thrilling hope, because my life does not cease being beautiful just because I graduate and leave a beautiful season behind.

The Lord does not reserve beauty for one season or another, but instead, lavishes it upon us, throwing it around like glitter, letting it dust over everything, it’s extravagance unwavering in the face of change.

I don’t know what’s coming, but I know it’s gonna be good. It’s going to be like glitter.

And I am not afraid.

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