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#personal rambling
milfsloverblog 6 months
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Thank you to everyone who鈥檚 reached out to me , wether in DM/comments or in my asks, that means the world to me. If you鈥檙e going through a tough time, always remember that there are people that are there for you. I really appreciate you guys 馃┓
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fuwanek0 7 months
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I鈥檓 a lover girl, I NEED connection, I NEED the intimacy. Stay away from me with that casual bs!
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thewildyonder 1 month
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B and I decided that I would do a week on and a week off at the hospital. His new position is going well. His 24/48 shifts suck but his checks are bigger which is nice.
Sprout and Man got sick and I had to come home to help G care for them. They're negative for flu & covid. Sprout had a cough and Man's eyes were swollen shut. The Dr believes it was viral. I've been extremely cautious and thankfully didn't pick it up from them. B wasn't so lucky and has been surviving off DayQuil to work so he doesn't risk his position. I hate everything about the situation but it is what it is.
I'm on the waiting list for the Mchouse again and if I can't get back in for a while I'll stay at the NICU. Caring for the kids was a risk because if I so much as experience a throat tickle I cant (won't) be able to even visit Sweetpea. Me and G seem safe though.
Since valentines day Sweetpea worked up to half a feeding and then declined again. The dilations seem to be helping him have bowel movements but whenever they stop he regresses and refuses everything and gets sleepy. He currently is on bowel rest again with no oral feeding. Every time we start over it's heart breaking. I don't think it's gotten easier we're just numb.
I'm heading back up on the 20th after my PP appointment. I call multiple times a day but I feel hollow being away from him. When I'm there I'll feel hollow being away from Sprout and Man. It's torture but at least I can look forward to April 1st because flu season will be over and the kids can meet and visit their baby brother.
My children will be together one way or the other. Pls let March end already.
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mollynoble 1 month
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just made the 'quality of life' appointment for Otis and fuck that was hard. it's been time for a few weeks now but husband wasn't ready so we've been putting it off but poor Otis is just not happy anymore so we gotta do it. I got through all the scheduling phone call, kinda surreal to have some back and forth on what day we were free to bring him in and when they had open slots. but now i'm crying at my desk, knowing i need to eat lunch before i leave for class in an hour.
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thelunastusco 1 month
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Also, like,
Regarding the whole "I'm not saying you shouldn't exist but I am saying you should be ashamed you do and your system should actively strive to make sure your existence is closeted so that it doesn't spread to other people because god knows fictives can't stop talking about themselves" kind of attitude,
We're not a popular system. We don't have a lot of friends, systems or singlets. We don't have biological family. We don't have co-workers and we don't really engage with community meetups or anything like that. We don't talk about ourselves all that much on our social media or in private. There's maybe five people (bodily) we'd consider good friends, and only two in our lives currently who we'd say know us intimately, one who isn't even part of the people-we-consider-friends group, lmao.
This isn't a poor me thing. Would we like more friends? Sure! Would we like to be more involved in the community? Yeah! Have we accepted things as they are? Pretty much. It is a "so where's this planet where fictives get to be seen for who they are?" thing.
We feel like most people, even systems, don't and wouldn't accept us as we are. We're older, we're reclusive, we're mostly fictives and a solid majority of those fictives are villains or grey moral types, we're adamantly proship/profic, we don't care what people do within their own system as long as no one is being harmed, and overall we just refuse to give a shit about origins or dx labels. It's just not a thrilling combination of traits for an increasingly younger + more sanitized community.
And usually, that's okay. But it does mean that once we pass from this world, there will likely be no one left who remembers us as we really were. It's a bit of a saddening thought, especially considering we're ALIVE and PRESENT on tumblr and people already get us so, so wrong sometimes, lol. (If we see one more "well they're endogenic in denial of their trauma" thing we're gonna start biting people.) We wish we could leave some little (positive) thumbprints, but also we're a system of over 700 people. And eventually, most people in history are more or less forgotten, we're not special in that regards.
But it also really goes against the idea that systems with fictives just can't stop talking about themselves or their sources. Even the people who know us better than anyone else in this world, don't know about everyone here. We just don't talk about things or people or sources unless it seems relevant. And even the people they know well, hate talking about themselves more than necessary.
We already closet our own existences.
And we shouldn't have to. No one we care about is forcing us to, but society as a whole tells us to shut up, keep your head down, don't share too much about yourselves. Pretend you don't exist. Don't be open, certainly not loud, about who you really are. And we're not the only system in the world like this. Some systems are bold and brave enough to be super open about who they are, and what they're about. We admire them. But if we had to guess, most systems are more like us, where we have maybe a handful of people who know us well.
Shame is a given as it is. The world as a whole doesn't even accept us as real. Most systems with fictives couldn't get MORE in the closet if they tried. Like, even if fictives turn to fandom spaces where they might be recognized most, (a) most fictives are different from canon and fandom perception, (b) some singlet people in fandom can get eerily entitled to a fictive's time and attention or get super creepy/intrusive with it, and (c) fandom is ultimately a sandbox where people play with their fictional Barbie dolls as a means of coping/escape and the presence of fictives can, sometimes, make things really uncomfortable for people. Valid. We, ourselves, don't want to take that away from people.
But fictives are then left to hide themselves and their identity. It's still a heavy, isolating feeling. The only time fictives really get to open up are to understanding friends, or systems who accept fictives; sometimes there's still this chasm because not all friendly singlets or systems will understand who a specific fictive is, where they're from, and who they are as a separate entity from their canon source. (And most don't have the time to sit and consume the source media + ask follow-up questions just to get a better idea, though hands down that's one of the most romantic things someone can do for a fictive in our opinion, lmao.) It's a lot harder to manage than some people seem to think. Especially in this age where there's so much disconnect and a lot of people in general are struggling to make/maintain deeper connections.
So where is this idea coming from that fictives talk about themselves so much? That they just can't help BUT talk about their source/s? That they have SUCH pull that they should be held responsible for the spread of the media source they're from?
Because as far as we can tell, it simply isn't a thing.
Why would it be, when most of the world isn't listening?
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mywaywardcupcake 5 days
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As I watch my comfort stuff for the millionth time my spouse mentioned something hilarious about my type of character.
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itsacleanmachine 3 months
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this is going to be THE craziest year of my life. by the end of it i could be gayer, happier, hotter, sluttier, higher, wiser and smarter or i could be homeless. gonna come back to this post a year later with the result.
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sakuyaenjoyer 27 days
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arknights makes me so sad. it's an incredibly interesting world with characters i really like but it's all trapped in a game system that makes it impossible for me to feel engaged
why do gacha games have to exist why can't this just be an rpg :(
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careful-fear 8 months
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i remember when i was younger, and my self-worth hinged on my ability to write, while my perception of that ability depended on others outspoken perception. it didn't matter how much i liked a piece, or how much effort i put into it鈥攁ny positivity for it would vanish if there wasn't a single interction. and if multiple people praised something, or there was a consistent pattern? it was a high. so when i perceived myself to have not succeeded, my sense of self-worth as a human being would plummet.
but during my hiatus of writing i naturally distanced myself from it, and was forced to find worth in my self in other ways. i had to learn to like myself, which was something i had always struggled with. i learnt to value myself as a person, rather than valuing myself based on what i could give. and it was healing.
because now i can write without doubting myself. i can even have pride in my writing, or acknowledge its failings without believing it's a reflection of myself. i can grin at the praise and still grin at the lack of it. i'm no longer seeking validation but demanding that people see i've done something i'm proud of.
and it's not always going to be like this, this easy. but analysing and placing boundaries between me, my writing, and people has been an important lesson to learn. i've learnt how to throw myself into things, passionately, without getting burnt.
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milfsloverblog 7 months
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I鈥檝e come to the conclusion that I鈥檓 madly in love with Jane Murdstone, both Gwen鈥檚 version and the book version, and I鈥檓 not sure what that says about me but- 馃榾
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fuwanek0 5 months
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I鈥檓 a precious exclusive resource that needs to be deserved <3
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deedenne 1 year
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I've come to realise that throughout last year I've become very out of touch with who I am. Nowadays it feels like I'm pretending to be a version of myself from the past. Yet everything around me has changed.
I want to reinvent myself. Get to know who I am. Touch the core of my being and build upon that.
Everything, all the ugly all the dirty stuff. The black goop that has snuck into corners of myself that nobody will ever reach. I will find it. I'll greet it with open arms.
The love that I desired to give others, unconditional, without judgement, with willingness to understand. I will now give myself some of that.
For I deserve to be a true version of myself.
I will live my truth.
I will be, reborn.
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thewildyonder 2 months
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NICU update:
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Sweetpea is officially off of pain meds & antibiotics from surgery. He got to have his ng tube removed and is back to having a bare face. Finger crossed it stays that way!
The surgeons started oral feedings at 5ml and we have worked our way up to 20ml. His outputs are looking great and he is almost normal baby color instead of neon yellow. If he continues to increase his milk intake and gains appropriate weight we may be able to remove his PICC line soon!
Sweetpea is doing everything he can to get himself home and everyone is so excited to see it. He's been such a tough little bean 馃挋馃Ц馃珱
Thank you to everyone who has assisted with ensuring we can be there for his care (either in person or through donations). We are so thankful to have such a supportive community 馃檹馃徎馃挋
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mollynoble 2 months
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huh, I have kinda in the back of my mind thought I might be autistic for a while but dismissed it as me prolly just trying to fit in which now may in fact have been a clue but never really seriously thought I was. just took a random quiz that crossed my dash, scored really high so went over to google and took a rapid succession of a half dozen self-assessment quizzes and read a bunch of articles about autism in adult women, and guys I think that might actually be:/
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idoodlestuffsometimes 8 months
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The folks fell down the family ancestry rabbit hole this weekend due to sudden maybe cousin(??) and anyway, feels extremely ironic to find out after a year of Brother's Keeper that we're apparently descended from one of two orphan brothers in early american history lmao wtf
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coolskeleton3000 28 days
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wow malevolent 40 is gonna be looong episode
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