#and probably my own fault

[redysetdare]

Lovelessness and lack of any attraction making me realize that i don't understand any relationships in terms of love.

How do you know you're romantically interested in someone? how is that different than loving them in literally any other way? Hell, how do you know you love your friends? When do you even apply the label of friend? How do you decide you want to be someones friend even? What about family? we're just expected to love them from birth but why? How do you know you view someone as family? why are we expected to love people we just happen to be related to?

I dunno, I'm writing some friendships, found family, and just adopted family and biological family relationships and I'm realizing that I'm struggling with actually like...showing why characters "love" each other in these ways. What makes this character want to be a parental figure to another character? what makes this characters friends any more important than other people in their lives? I'm writing what society tells me but I don't actually think i understand any of it.

I can understand connection and characters enjoying each others company and caring about each other but when it gets to the love part? the part society demands there be for the relationship to be full and real and complete? I find myself lost every single time. shouldn't them caring for each other be enough? why do they need this confusing emotion for them to truely be friends or truely be family?

Why is the label of a "strong bond between people" locked behind the paywall that is the undefined idea of love? Why is love a requirement and not an option for these sorts of bonds? a bond without love doesn't mean you hate the person or dislike them even. it doesn't mean you're apathetic. it just means you don't love them. I don't get why this word is so important. I don't get why it's expected.

#text #loveless #loveless aro #idk maybe it's because i look at these sorts of things in terms of logic #which emotions don't always follow #people always use love as an answer but i always question it #“they did it because they love them” why do they love them though #why is their love for them seen as so important #why should other characters care about that love #why did love make them do that #what is so special about the bond between these two characters compared to the bond they have with other characters #why is it different #and i guess most people don't have answers. why would they? it's just how they feel #that's usually enough for others but for some reason not for my brain #and i think it's just because i cannot grasp the idea of love as an emotion #especially not as a pure and good emotion #idk it's confusing #and probably my own fault #im not really looking for answers here because i dont think there is any #not any that would satisfy me at least #just wanted to express this feeling ig

[uncanny-tranny]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

#mental health #mental health support #positivity #if anybody has ideas of their own definitely include them! #i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all.. #...in comparison to other people can be a really troubling and dangerous place to be in... #...and that isn't the person's fault for feeling that way. they didn't pluck those thoughts out of thin air... #...like i have felt that exact way all my LIFE because i have been abused for. probably 2/3s of my life... #...only within these past few years have i even FELT alive. frankly it's going to take a while to repair what i have been left with... #...so i know the feeling and i want to help others feel even a LITTLE bit alive. you deserve it... #...you deserve to take in a deep breath before slowly realizing 'oh my gd this is what it feels like to be alive' and SMILE about it #i want that for you even if it is brief. even if it is small. even if it is a whisper. i want you to feel alive #unironically getting rid of the idea of 'guilty pleasures' has made my life SO much better

[lover-of-mine]

#911 #911edit #buddie #buddieedit #911 fox #911 abc #911 on fox #evanbuckleyedit #eddiediazedit #my edit #otp: you don't need to pretend with me #1k #honestly ive been thinking about this since the lightning #because yes eddie had no idea the tsunami was gonna happen and the same way it wasnt Bucks fault it wasnt eddie #but this is the guy that asked for a sign about what to do about his wife and she died #then he tried to force his best friend to do something he wasnt ready for and he almost died too #and yes therapy eddie is better with his own feelings but i wonder if it crossed his mind #because maddie probably tried to get him into the keep buck distracted rotation #and he said no probably because he knew buck could need a place to escape to #but still #it could've crossed his mind the consequences of the last time he didnt give buck time #the tsunami the lawsuit all that yk #i dont know i just want to put the thought somewhere #it makes sense that eddie would wait him out after the previous moments with buck and death #anyway #yeah #evan buckley #eddie diaz

[gotalottalegs]

Life on the Murder Scene is such a good name for a vampire mockumentary Stupid bullshit inspired by this post from @mychemicalraymance​ Bonus btw

#my chemical romance #mcr #frank iero #gerard way #ray toro #i just think the story abt frank being blazed on the sofa in the studio is fucking funny #even funnier if they were discussing making him fucking undead instead of jst offering to have him play guitar in their band #no mikey by no fault of his own it was only meant to be gee & frank at first but love for ray won out #i haven't finished a piece of art in fucking foreevr #squiddlyart #the uhhh watermark is my art blog title that's why its dif from my url. gonna reblob it there probably but posting here lol #little weed frank burritoed

[lavenoon]

Travel jitters meet meticulous autism planning and waiting mode 😔

@naffeclipse turns out i had some more time for art - once I'm back we'll see how well he fared all alone fghdjs

*self insert Aster is not a girl (he/ she) *og detective au by sunnys-aesthetic!

#post let luce #dcamv #bloodstain fool #menace4menace #my art #I STILL GOT AN HOUR TO GO BEFORE I LEAVE AAAAAAAAA #at least. at least this killed SOME time i am so so jittery #(said as I sip from my energy drink) #okay so maybe some of the jitters are my own fault but also ive been excited/ nervous since yesterday morning gfhdsj #soon!! soon ill gooo!!! #my teeny tiny car will be filled to the brim but its okay fghdjs #might reblog some more stuff or smth but radio silence probably #too jittery to do much more FHDJS

[stuckinapril]

I’ve been more resentful of this recently but honestly it’s time to take accountability for the fact that I’m 99% a listener in a lot of my relationships (romantic or platonic) bc I literally made people used to seeing me this way

#I’ve been more drained/irritated w people for doing this but I literally made my own bed #Now I have to probably unlearn this w extensive therapy #In my defense I’ve also befriended genuinely selfish people preoccupied w their own problems 99% of the time #Bc I’m predisposed to allowing that #But like it’s also time to take accountability for the fact that I allow it in the first place #UGH #Not even sure how this happened like I’m not insecure or other centered to a fault #It just kind of is a thing

[suits]

help a black woman in need

tldr; beat homelessness just in time to have my car repossessed.

hi ive been putting this off as long as i can because idk how to ask for help but i really need it rn. some of you might know, i was homeless since oct 2022. we found a place and have moved in at the start of this month (july). unfortunately this morning i was on my way out to work only to find that my car had been repossessed due to me falling behind on the payments (see: being homeless). i had to call off today but i need my car to get to work the rest of the week. im not asking for a specific amount because i need a lot and this will most likely be ongoing.but ANYTHING helps. please share even if you can't help out financially. words of encouragement/advice also appreciated. thank you 🙏🏾🫶🏾 pypl: @mkwats cshpp: $mkawatson vnmo: mk-watson

#i've literally been crying all day i have no idea how im going to make it through this #i do not like asking for help and only like 2 people knew about my previous situation but this is just so #all encompassing i feel completely defeated i really dont know what to do #sorry ill probably be annoying rb this #please do not be rude this is incredibly vulnerable i genuinely dont know how to even #put into words how defeated i feel #maybe its my own fault for waiting so long to ask for help #maybe if i asked sooner i would not be where i am right now but i genuinely hate feeling like a burden #im very much suffer in silence type but this is so much more than i can handle alone

[crabs-brencil]

connor study also i finally learned how to blend omg

#this bitch oml #istg he's so hard to draw on purpose #tbf i barely actually used my reference so that's probably my own fault but oml bro #anyways #dbh #detroit become human #connor rk800 #dbh connor #dbh fanart #dbh rk800 #rk800 #krita

[brutal-nemesis]

big question!! dude can we please see a scene in the AU where castys has his tongue cut off and he has to deal with that? like man, the shock and the pain and the fuckin grief? and neteri just being herself ofc

anyway the latest erebus chapter was heartbreaking you’re so good at being awful to these lads (i can’t stop reading)

Thank you I try,,,,,

Okay strap in fellas I think this is banger as hell I had a great time and let me know if you have any other requests for the AU!

Ingredients: shockingly, tongue gets cut off! some suffocation as well

Castys wasn’t great at sitting in chairs normally, something his parents had always reprimanded him for, but, hey, they’d never taken it as far as to fucking tie him to one, and Castys was grateful. This shit was uncomfortable. Like, yeah, the rough ropes around his wrists and ankles were tight and itchy, but also the position just sucked. Not that he’d rather be standing or something-

“You must be Castys!” The door had swung open, and now this little lady with a white coat on was walking up to him. 

“Yes, I’m Castys,” he said flatly as she scurried behind him before coming back without her bag. And then she just…stared at him. Castys wasn’t sure what she was looking at, since there really wasn’t much to see, just, like, him. Eventually her eyes wandered up to his, and she jumped in place a bit.

“Oh, right, I’m Neteri.” She stuck her hand out like she expected him to shake it.

“You know I’m tied up, right?”

“Ah. Yeah.” Her skin was dark enough that it wasn’t immediately obvious that she was blushing, but Castys was pretty sure she was. She ended up awkwardly grabbing his right hand and shaking it a bit. “I, um, I’ll be preparing you for this afternoon. Sorry, I’m just a bit nervous.”

“Well, you’re not tied to a chair so I think you’ll be okay.”

She laughed. “You’re right, you’re right, but I’m just…I think I’m going to do something I’m not supposed to do.”

Castys raised an eyebrow. “Let me go because I’m funny?”

Neteri rolled her eyes, but she was smiling, so clearly she did think he was funny. “No, you’re staying put, sorry bud. But I think I’m going to keep you. You’re kind of perfect.” She tried to cup his cheek in her hand, but Castys leaned away, staring at her with wide eyes.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” His mouth was really dry all of a sudden, he wasn’t perfect, he was a fuck-up, a useless heir, that had been his goal, he wasn’t good at anything he was supposed to be good at, he wasn’t well-mannered or polite, he had a huge fucking scar on his face and a lopsided smile because of it, he was filthy and vulgar and didn’t have any interest in getting married he was absolutely anything but perfect. So why the hell did she want him?

“It’s not important right now. You’ve got a big day ahead of you!” She clapped her hands, dismissing the subject entirely. He wanted to press her further, but after seeing the lovely object she pulled out of her pocket, everything else was forgotten.

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Aw, what are you gonna do about it, Castys? I thought you were tied to a chair!” Great, now it was his turn to feel his face grow hot, because, yeah, what the fuck was he gonna do?

Normally, he doubted he’d immediately recognize it for what it was, but today, right now, after just being told this lady wanted to keep him, it was instantly clear. And Neteri was right, he was only able to squirm uselessly and lean away as she wrapped the collar around his neck without much trouble. His first swallow after she’d sealed it shut felt horrible, and he absolutely did not want to get used to it.

“See, it’s not so bad. It looks cute on you!” She ruffled his hair, which only made Castys more uncomfortable.

“I don’t want to be cute. I’m not a fucking dog.” He wasn’t sure whether the collar was part of Neteri’s weird desires or just to humiliate him, but either way he hated it.

“No, you’re not, but you’re also not a prince anymore, and you’re the property of the Xernan Empire, and this is a good reminder of that,” Neteri said as she walked around behind him, probably to her bag. Castys rolled his eyes. He didn’t need to be reminded that he wasn’t a prince, since it was his favorite new development in all of this. Unless…unless it wasn’t just a reminder for him, but for everyone else, too…He really, really hoped there wasn’t going to be some sort of public display, but given how Neteri’d said he had a “big day” ahead…fuck, that was probably the case, huh?

“Now, I’m going to…oh, I might get in so much trouble for this,” Neteri muttered as she stared at the floor, standing in front of him once again. She had leather gloves on, which would have been nice earlier when she was touching him, and she was holding…a pair of shears? He didn’t think she’d put on gloves if she was just going to cut his hair, and given that she thought she might get in trouble for it, it seemed like she was going to…maim him somehow. Castys curled his hands into fists as Neteri slapped her cheeks with her palms, still talking to herself. “No, I’m going to do this. I deserve it. It’s not that far off from what the emperor wants. Okay,” she held the shears up and gave Castys a concerningly bright smile. “Any last words?”

For once, Castys didn’t take the opportunity to speak.

Instead, he locked his jaw shut tight, teeth clenched so hard it hurt, lips pressed together, walls of protection around his tongue. 

That’s what she wanted, wasn’t it?

Neteri cocked her head, watching him. “Nothing to say all of a sudden? No jokes?” Her smile disappeared as her eyes narrowed. “You figured it out, didn’t you, Castys? What I’m going to do to you.”

He didn’t bother nodding.

Neteri stepped up to him, her knee on the chair in between his legs, leaning over him, her face right above his as he craned back to avoid her. “You’re going to have to get used to obeying me, Castys.” The cold metal of the shears rested on his cheek. “So open your mouth.”

If there’s one thing Castys was good at, it was disobeying orders.

After a few moments of neither of them moving, Neteri pinched Castys’s nose shut with her free hand, not saying a word. Fine, he could play that game. Hold on as the pressure in his chest built, as his head started to spin, as his vision started to darken, every fiber of his being screaming at him to just give in to the inevitable and take a breath. He could do it quick, a little gasp, fast enough that she wouldn’t be able to do anything. Okay, three, two…

The exhale was shaky, but it was fine, just a quick inhale as he snapped his mouth shut-

His teeth scraped against metal, the sensation sending shivers down his spine.

Neteri stared at him with a detached coldness as she rotated the shears, forcing his jaw open wide, wide enough for her to stick her hand in and grab his tongue, pulling it out despite his attempts to pull it back, turning the shears to the side now, opening them up, the cold blades-

Snip.

Castys’s mouth was hot it was burning he was choking the smell of blood was so strong he was suffocating on it her hand was still in his mouth her fingers pressed against his wound magic piercing through his jaw he’d scream if he had the air and then that was it her hand was gone he lurched forward coughing and spitting blood and saliva all down the front of the threadbare shirt he’d been given and once he saw the discarded little piece of pink flesh on the floor he couldn’t look at anything else he couldn’t believe that was it it was gone it wasn’t in his mouth his mouth was empty there was only the blood still dripping out and when Neteri laid a hand on his back he wanted to growl at her not to touch him but he couldn’t he couldn’t say anything anymore he was quiet nothing to say no thoughts or opinions of his own just how his parents had wanted him-

“It’s alright, Castys, just breathe. It was a little more difficult than it needed to be, but you did it.” And why did it need to be at all? “Just two more things left today and then you can rest. And then hopefully…” Her hand slid up, resting on the back of his neck, on that awful collar, and Castys wanted to scream. He never, ever wanted to belong to her.

But what he wanted didn’t matter anymore.

Castys was dragged out and whipped and branded and left out on display, brought back and patched up by Neteri and given soup that he couldn’t taste, and when the door slammed shut behind her, he finally allowed himself to cry.

His back and chest hurt, of course, the wounds aggravated no matter how he moved or what position he laid in, but he could deal with it. It was nothing compared to what he’d lost, the little pocket of empty space inside his mouth.

Words were all he’d ever have to really fight back, complaining when he was forced to do things he didn’t want to, scaring off all the suitors his parents picked out, jokes keeping him calm when he was scared or upset, even when he couldn’t do anything he could still say something, make sure everyone knew how he felt, and now he was more helpless than ever before and he couldn’t say a single fucking thing. 

He didn’t even know where he was going to end up, either sold off to some asshole or left in Neteri’s clutches, and no matter what, he wasn’t going to be treated like a person. The collar made it pretty clear. He was less than human now, a pet, a lab rat, property, something that didn’t need to have thoughts or opinions anymore. 

He’d rather be a prince after all.

Castys Cult: @as-a-matter-of-whump​ @blackrosesandwhump​ @fanmanga1357-blog​​ @thehopelessopus​ @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi

@hearse-song​ @muddy-swamp-bitch @whumpasaurus101 @yet-another-heathen​​ @galaxywhump 

@starnight-whump​ @his-unspoken-words​ @misspelledwitch @suspicious-whumping-egg​ @pumpkin-spice-whump​ 

@painsandconfusion @i-can-even-burn-salad @befuddled-calico-whump​ @whumpinggrounds​ @whump-queen​

@whumpedydump

#i wrote something #whump-in-the-closet #thanks troy this was super fun! #castys & terror au #castys #neteri #whump #tongue whump #the best part about writing this was i just copy pasted some of neteri's dialogue and actions from e&t ch2 lmao #i missed writing her tho fuck :( #i know it's my own fault but still (┬┬﹏┬┬) my girl #and then castys is easy as fuck to write yippee #by the time wick asked me about him getting his hair cut i had already written the beginning of this #and i didnt really know how to work it in 😔 so just know that if he had longer hair and it got cut it would have made him very happy #and probably lulled him into a bit of a false sense of security #castys deserves a collar at all times tbh he is a feral animal and i need to pull him around by the neck #plus he looks soooo good with one on especially if it's red (it's black here tho 😔) #god neteri being threatening to him is so sexy #and then no more tongue HAH HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT MISTER STUPID COMEBACKS #NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOU #just be a good little test subject from now on (he won't)

[skunkes]

#talkys #delete later #(this is a meme redraw) #ruined my life is a strong word. and of course theres lots of self blame and obvs ive probably wronged lots of people before #and i dont deserve unending torture for it. right. like part of me doesnt even actually feel ill will toward the other party #because whatever! normal human experience! #the other part is like ohhh okay you lied to and kinda used me + treated me badly then lied again to the point where i found out the truth #from another party so you didnt even have to fess up yourself and now you're back to being happy as if nothing happened #i was just a stepping stone i was just a distraction. ok! #like for real actually ok ^_^ it literally happens to ppl all the time... #<- he keeps experiencing waves of horrific sense of self worth that already wasnt Too Great as a result #ugh. and thats nobody's fault but my own right.... but idk. i cant believe it...! i cant believe someone treated me dis way #and i let it happen... and i would have let it keep happening if an end hadnt been put to it by someone else.... #but still. at the end of the day i was the only one left with these thoughts. ykwim. other party has forgotten. got happy ending. #doesnt deserve ''consequences'' but still feels horrific to see and think about. you know? #i literally got all the bad. throughout and after.

[sage-is-in-fact-very-tired]

oh my god wait ashril and marcel are kinda sorta klance coded. *they're kinda sorta klance coded.*

#sorry to voltron post (tm) about my blorbos but #they are #in all the ways #sylph and ash are klance coded in personality only #but marcel and ash are klance coded the whole nine yards #had a realization #this is. i dont know whoes fault this is but its probably someone's #/lh /pos #marcel julius jones #ashril #bound smp #a tag to help find my own posts

[neoncityrain]

doodled crackshop marauder x downpour cats + hunter for fun. kiss kiss fall in love or whatever. this too is yuri or something

#the saint one is on its own line cause its genuinely cute #sorry mar is a freak. as if its my fault /ref #rain world #rain world shipping #modded slugcat #rw marauder #rw artificer #rw gourmand #rw spearmaster #rw saint #rw rivulet #rw enot #rw inv #rw hunter #my rivulet would actually probably drown mar but this is for the sillies not for the realsies #rw shipping #oc: marauder

[nyxofdemons]

this was going to be like a mile long essay but i just realized the most concise way to say it is that "it feels like a retcon that blitz has been so resentful and hostile towards fizz all this time since he was supposed to feel guilty" is simply not a good criticism when we have been shown, time and time again, that blitz's number one defense mechanism when he feels guilty or judged or attacked is to lash out, to deflect and ignore all his responsibility, and to shift the blame to someone else. that's like. his defining character flaw

#- and that's WHY it was such a major THING for his arc!! that he apologized to fizz and accepted responsibility for what he did!!! #like. the fact that he said; EXPLICITLY; the words 'you're right; it was all my fault; i should have done better; i am so sorry' IS #SO BIG!!!! LIKE THAT IS SUCH A HUGE THING FOR HIM!!!!! #mine #helluva boss #blitzo helluva boss #helluva boss blitzo #blitz #e: oops #analysis #also its entirely reasonable that blitz would have gone spiraling down the thought process that maybe fizz always hated him if he could #blame him so easily when fizz was probably the one blitz was MOST counting on to hear him out #and the fact that fizz went on and got SUPER famous and successful after he was no longer performing with blitz - who i'm SURE had #only been given more and more shit for not being as good as fizz as they got older (by his dad and by himself) - he probably assumed fizz #blamed him for that too - holding fizz back with his own poor performance #which is why his insults towards fizz had always been 'overrated sellout' and insisting he slept his way to the top with ozzie. #he'd tear down fizz's quality as a performer because BLITZ feels insecure about his OWN quality as a performer #these tags have gotten so fucking long but that's the gist of the essay i was gonna write about this fjfdjjfghf #MEDIA ANALYSIS IS MY PASSION

[love-3-crimes]

was stressed during finals last week and made these to cope

#chonny jash #i probably should have been studying instead but this felt more important at the time #so glad im on break now woooo #i was giggling to myself at 3 am while making these so the stress was my own fault #angelo tag

[thebramblewood]

If we had the ability to add CC into the game while it was running, it would actually be life-changing for me.

#you'd think by now i'd learn to triple check i have everything i need in before booting up but nope #and my game closes and opens sooooooo slowly which is probably also my own fault but still

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

Alternate Thatcher Davis

#the mandela catalogue #mandela catalogue #tmc #tmc alternate au #thatcher davis #alt thatcher #face horror #shmorps art #I’m going to be completely honest #this series of drawings are probably my favorite drawings I’ve made in a while #I’m so happy with how they turned out #anyway uh Alt thatcher a few things about him #he kind of takes the role of N. being a type 3 alternate that’s just kind of in the background #though he’s mostly his own thing #he’s. almost always crying or yelling #he typically repeats what people say back to them in a voice that sounds like it’s coming through a radio #though he does sometimes talk in his own voice #mostly saying how the town is in shambles and how it’s his fault