#and ok ok i could say more introspective things here but

[crystaldust]

If you're feeling stuck with non dualism, this might be able to help you

warning: long post

You get into this philosophy and you see bloggers advice to just claim everything as "not yours, not your problem" and move on with your day. What I'm realizing recently is that maybe not everyone can start off doing that, at least I certainly couldn't.

I believe what they mean by claiming thoughts as not yours is to leave the mind alone so that it can become quiet, as encouraged by Lester in his book. But what he also says is that doing that can be really difficult sometimes if your subconscious is filled with opposing feelings and thoughts to what you'd like to have in your life. So he advised to clear some of that subconscious heavy weight before trying to quiet the mind. (You can read more about this here)

And here's the big breakthrough for me: learning about the Sedona Method and practices of letting go of subconscious beliefs. I went ahead and found more material on it (you can access everything here), I've read some of it and started to apply it.

Now I had been practicing introspection for over a year so I am acutely aware of most of my subconscious issues (which make up this ego's identity in the world) but what I realized was that even though I had been aware of these self issues for a long time, I never tried to let go of them. I've had attached myself to them, claimed them to be my identity, they made me who I was.

With this new knowledge on how to let go, I started to try it out, everytime i felt bad or encountered unwanted circumstances, I'd try my best not to suppress the feelings or thoughts that would come up. Then I started to ask myself "Can I let go of this?" or "Can I let this be / Can I be ok with it?" and if I got an answer of "no" I'd then ask "Why not?" and immediately I'd see that it was just because that's how it is for the ego, it's a habitual pattern. And by now I already know that memory and continuity are part of the ego illusion so there's no real standing for these patterns to be in place. I just kept them there because I didn't know better.

The more I practiced letting go in this way, the easier it got and now I'm at a place where the mind is starting to naturally grow quieter. I'm not even asking those questions as much anymore, I immediately recognize what's happening and I let it be, whatever it is. It is also easier for me to do self-inquiry now and sometimes I catch myself wanting to focus on finding out my true nature rather than indulging the ego and it's never ending cycle of desiring and suffering.

The ego still wants to think and overanalyze everything, running in circles, but I have this knowing sense that it's useless, there's no point in thinking about anything. I still am experiencing the ego's life just as before but now I am being able to detach, to say "not me, not my problem" and move on mentally quite quickly. I don't dwell on the bad anymore. It happened to the ego and there's nothing they could have done about it, it is what it is, I don't need to entertain it anymore.

I still acknowledge the ego's desires and fears but I can actually leave it alone now, I KNOW it's not my true self and I'm at peace with it. I feel whatever comes up and then a minute later it's gone and I rarely think about it. I'm able to be more present and live in the moment.

All of this is to say that I had to understand and practice letting go to a degree in order to be able to understand and practice what more advanced bloggers recommend.

Final tips: ♡ Practice introspection, go deep and be honest with yourself. Understand who the ego is, what it feels and believes in, how it gets triggered and why. This will make it easier to make peace with it and let it alone. ♡ Start practicing letting everything happen, and I mean everything, every circumstance, every feeling, every thought. Try to control nothing. You might notice that if you let the ego do it's thing, it will pipe down quite easily. ♡ Remember that every single thing comes from the ego, every thought, every feeling, every fear, every doubt, every desire and every circumstance. And the ego is absolutely helpless in it's pursue. You can't help it, what you can do is accept it and love it unconditionally (you can actually do this!)

Big thanks to @4dkellysworld for turning me in the right direction 💖

#o #non dualism #nondualism #letting go #surrendering #4dbarbie #welp scared to post this lol #personal journey

[rius-cave]

Ok but imagine adamsapple in bed and Adam is like " why don't i top for once"

And Luci raises his eyebrows

Adam " I'm the original dick, i know how to use it!"

Luci " considering I've stolen both your wives, i severely doubt that" adam huffs. Luci sighs. " You've been bottoming for a while, would you trust YOURSELF yo top you?"

And Adam blue screens

( does this lead to angsty self introspection or to luci riding him? Who knows)

Anon I hate myself. Somehow my response to this turned into a full on drabble 🙈 I'm so sorry I don't know how this happened. Here it is I guess. I'm putting it under a cut because the language gets a little explicit skfjdgfd

"Come on. What? You think I really couldn't do it? Do you not want me to fuck you that badly?"

Lucifer glared at him in judging silence, an eyebrow raised.

"Would it really kill your ego to let me do it just once? I mean seriously I'm sure I could have you screaming in no time." Adam stated, anger obvious on his voice.

"Mm-hm," Lucifer hums, reclining his back on the headboard and closing his eyes. "You could."

"Oh please! You haven't even let me try! If you gave me the chance to- wait what did you say?" Adam's mouth gaped, his brain just now catching up with his ears.

"I said you could," the hellborn replied, a smug smile on his face. "We've been doing this for weeks now, haven't we? You think I've never wanted to feel your cock inside of me?"

Adam choked on his own saliva before sitting up on the bed, astonishment plastered across his face. It wasn't weird for Lucifer to talk directly like this, but hearing him just… admit that he wanted it was not something Adam ever expected to hear. To be frank he was half waiting for Lucifer to chuck him out to the next ring.

"Wait really?"

"Really," Lucifer affirmed without a tint of shame in his voice. "I may be more skilled than you," he began again, earning a brief glare from Adam. "But I could teach you how to do it, show you where I like it, actually top someone properly for once."

"I…" The sinner began, still not believing his hearing. Suddenly, a smile crept up his face, excitement pouring from his eyes as well as starting to fill up his cock. "Oh! Okay! Fuck yeah, let's go!" He cheered in anticipation, already lifting up the sheets from both his body and Lucifer before his wrist was firmly stopped.

"Uh, what?"

"Not now, you idiot. We just did it. I'm tired and we need to get to the hotel early tomorrow," Lucifer explained with a little sharpness in his voice.

"What? But I… we… you…" He fumbled, a rapid sequence of anger, frustration and disappointment flashing across his features.

"That's not fair! Come on, I…!" He couldn't come up with any good reason. They did have to meet up with Charlie tomorrow (or today, at this point), and they did go at it for about an hour and a half that night. He couldn't say that his own eyes weren't closing before the conversation started.

He growled in frustration like a kid having been promised a candy only for it to be snatched from his hands right as he was about to take a bite. His wings fell to his sides and his mouth closed in a tight line.

A chuckle caught his attention once more.

"Aww, don't be sad, love," the king cooed as he leaned forward, taking one of Adam's cheek in his hand. I promise the next opportunity we have, that'll be the first thing we do, okay?" His voice was soothing and alluring, calming down Adam's anger immediately.

"… Fine," Adam finally grumbled, a small blush creeping up his face at the intimate touch. Those kinds of gestures still threw him for a loop every time. He was used to bites, scratches and pulls from the King of Hell, but any time the demon showed his softer side to him, Adam couldn't help but feel his brain short circuit.

"That's a good little lamb," Lucifer grinned, before leaning in to capture Adam's lips in a soft kiss, meant to seal the promise that he just made.

The recently fallen angel melted into the kiss with a sigh, all his frustration completely gone now. It was still embarrassing how he would just turn to putty under Lucifer's touch. If his soldiers could see him now his reputation would never recover. But still, it felt good to let go of his control when it was Lucifer who slowly, methodically, stripped it away from him.

"Mhm, very well. Let's go to sleep now," Lucifer gently broke the kiss, holding Adam's cheek lightly and dedicating him a smile.

"Okay," Adam replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Don't worry sweetheart. I'll make sure to prepare my little ass so well for your cock, so that you can slide in easily. I'll ride your dick so good and milk it so hard that you won't be able to feel it by the fifth time I make you cum inside of me."

Lucifer grinned innocently, patting Adam's cheek before finally laying down again and getting comfortable under the covers.

With each word Adam felt his insides get hotter and hotter, to the point that by the end of Lucifer's promise, there was no doubt that he was properly hard now.

A couple seconds later, he could hear the quiet snores coming from the demon next to him.

Adam growled loudly. The frustration was back a hundredfold.

#i have brainrot I'm so so so sorry #hazbin hotel #adamsapple #ask

[borzoilover69]

“Ok Borzoi so why don’t you like Dirkjohn” - somebody, who didn’t ask, but I want to ramble. 

I guess it’s funny as a crack ship but in actuality, i feel it would fall incredibly flat and only be viable in an unhealthy way. Canonically, they've got little to nothing to do with each other, and their relationship branches on bullshit in the epilogues and HS2 which just isn't a good judge of Dirk and Johns character so much as a butcher of it.

First, lets get their characters down. Dirk, very introspective to the point of destruction, who’s prone to rambling, overcomplicating and accentuating things in a way to keep up his aura of coolness, of being “totally in control and all knowing”, and sort of socially awkward, failing quite a few times to read jokes as jokes. 

John, upfront, more likely to push forward without really thinking, keeps things simple and asks not much, and very much a protagonist figure. He’s blunt, he’s teasing in his humour, and he likes to take the mic out of people and make his own fun. 

Dirk is very active. He's willing to go through many hoops and talk around himself, and he needs a conversational partner willing to spar him on it, however, John is anything but that. He's upfront, he brings a hypothetical hammer down into the bush that dirk is walking around. Jake will indulge, so will a lot of the alpha kids, but the beta kids by far are more blunt and straight forward. John would see whatever bullshit Dirk is pulling and think it's stupid and ornery, and shut him down..Dirk would go "okay" and then either try to counterpoint to be shut down, or walk away.This conversation is a relaly good point of reference for how it would go. Note how roxy is going through the general alpha kids bullshit theatrics and ornery, and john instead of getting it, cuts it down with "no thats stupid", and doesnt get the joke.

This conversation is a really good point of reference for how it would go. Note how roxy is going through the general alpha kids bullshit theatrics and ornery, and john instead of getting it, cuts it down with "no thats stupid", and doesnt get the joke.

dirk wouldn't know how to handle someone actually being completely straight up and refusing to humor him, being open about not giving a shit about whatever tangent dirk is on.  it might humble him which he definitely needs sometimes but most of the time itd just make him go "ok. whatever man im going to jake's"

(art by my boyfriend) 

Nobody puts up with dirk and jakes bullshit as much as dirk and jake do each other

DIRK: "I'll get this blue gumball son of a bitch this time. He's gonna be so perplexed by the bullshit im about to spew he's got no idea the storm that's wafting in on the wind."

 and then john says ratio and dirk is reduced to ash. 

John and Jake also have a bad habit of comparison in a negative sense, like how he did with davesprite. Jake does it out loud with no regard for others, and John is the type to drop a single “x has already made this joke” because his preference of Dave is so much stronger than Dirk. Dirk wouldn’t be able to beat Dave to the ironic punchline because most likely, Dave has already said it in a language John understands, and John has made fun of him for it already. John doesn’t have patience for long winded games, if he’s not in the mood he’ll just fuck off. 

Personally feel like John would be acutely aware that Dirk hates when he shuts him down, but he just genuinely cannot sit here and listen to a “worse version of dave talk like hes pretending to be rose. I just cant.i don’t have it in me.” 

I mean I think they’d be funny somewhat, but they would not be happy together at all it would be awkward as hell. Dirk needs someone to pull him out of his bullshit but John just won’t do that. He won’t consider it really that much. They could have funny moments, but the toxicity of their potential relationship sours most of it for me. Dirk is pretty fucking intense in a lot of ways, and hes prone to being a lot. 

the alpha kids in general are just way intense due to their fucking isolation whatever thety smoked in those years made them volatile like fucking potent like a chili peppers but thats words for another ramble.

John just isn’t able to match Dirk. He doesn't think enough, he's just going with the flow and dirk needs someone who can either match him on an intellectual level or someone who can match him in an interest way. John just wouldn’t take the relationship seriously enough, which would lead to Dirk trying to figure out something that isn’t there to really figure out. John matches well with someone who has known him for a while and doesn’t have a specific way they want things to go. 

#homestuck meta #hom3stuck #homestuck #dirk strider #john egbert #no hate to the ship #just wanted to ramble #still think its a pretty funny ship #borzoi talks #borzoi meta

[acti-veg]

I can’t help to see my friends differently after becoming vegan. We are all very far left borderline communist, we could go on endless conversation about topic like black life matter, LGBTQ rights and feminism all with full support.

We would make fun of conservatives for there stupid and incoherent arguments and ideas. But when it comes to veganism and animal liberation I suddenly will get the same conservative almost religious reason thrown back at me on why it’s ok to exploit animals.

I felt very hurt when one of my friend just straight up said she don’t care about any harm done towards farm animals. She went on to say that she care more about saving a 1.5 dollar on milk than do oat milk. I can’t believe she think that a cow is not even worth 1.5 dollars to her. That kind of blatant speciesism leaves me so disappointed and frankly disgusted in her

They should know better shouldn’t they? Makes me wonder if they truly believe what there preaching. I still love my friend and it’s the best friend group I have had and am not thinking of leaving but I will purposely try to avoid the vegan topic holding my tongue on my true opinion. But I can’t help tho to feel a sense of betrayal and disappointment, I feel am starting to grow a kind of resentment toward them and it make me feel bad. I guess am asking how to deal with feeling like this? Am I just being mean and selfish for feeling like this?

This is something that every one of us can relate to, and you’re completely justified in your feelings here. You’re not mean or selfish, it’s a natural, exasperated and angry response to the people around you supporting injustice.

I’d just say that it is important to remember that there is enormous social pressure and vast propaganda apparatus in place to keep people eating animals. It is unique among all forms of oppression because it is quite so socially accepted and almost ubiquitous in most communities. Those years of habit forming, conditioning and belief reinforcement takes time, effort and a great deal of introspection to unravel.

It is likely your friend is does care, she just doesn’t show that care in her behaviour. It is easier for her to just pretend she doesn’t care because she knows there is no responding to that for you, and no reckoning with her own values and how her behaviour does not align with them for her. True apathy or amorality are extremely rare, for most people this is just a defence mechanism, albeit a horribly selfish one.

Keep advocating for animals, keep being honest about your opinion, but try not to let it sour your relationship with those you love. The longer you have been vegan the harder it is to understand how other people aren’t, but try to remember what it was like for you, the excuses you made and what it took to get you where you are now. The most important thing is that your friend knows that if she decided to reduce or elongate her consumption of animals, you wouldn’t judge and you’d be there to help her out.

#ask #vegan #vegan problems

[athena-swords]

🌼🌼 PICK A CARD 🌼 🌼

Disclaimer : don't come to me if it doesn't resonate I am just chanelling ok and those who don't have autumn just take September and October month

🍂 The Upcoming Autumn for you 🍂

Here are your piles

Pile 1. Pile 2

Pile 3. Pile 4

Pile 1

Hii pile 1 hope so your 2023 is going good let's see what is happening for you this autumn.

if you are away from your people you gonna met them again and lemme tell you it's gonna be a bash

I am seeing a ending perhaps something you thought will end in a beautiful thing didn't ended like you were expecting

Lots of amusement park or fair or just new energy be ready for crazy companies

you will be making or planning to make a long time investment probably related to your career (think and think carefully before any decision)

Windfall money and unexpected coming projects or just your plate being full

Song chanelled: October,what makes you beautiful and O O Janne jana.

Pile 2

hii pile 2 let's hope you all love the fall season as much as I do now let's get into your reading.

Well you could get to know that someone you considered as close friend or fam has been going behind your back and saying not so nice stuff about you.

You could have been seeing many red flags in a group but we're not leaving so your guides showed you their real self in a harsh way

You could feel fatigue or just down this season(seems like your guys are not a fan of it haa).But don't worry there will be some good news for you

you guys should definitely go check pile 1 you will find some messages for you in there.

the advice for you is that go out and keep a balance don't expect situations to magically work for you gotta show some efforts honey

Songs chanelled:Allah maaf kare, strawberries and cigarettes, team by lorid

Pile 3

Hii pile 3 hope so you are looking up to yourself ,enjoying the days let's look what you have for yourself in autumn yaa

lol did you get your hands on a book you wanted to read for a long time I see you will make a very cosy space for you .

And procastinate in there and will end up doing all the work in deadline dates as please do little bit and don't pile them up

Could go for hiking or just mountains or you could even live there but for some reason I saw snowfall(do you wanna see it once)

Lots of planning and analysis about something all over you somehow will want to feel productive,you will introspect about all the stuff you have been doing and want to do

You could have a new crush or neighbours too....ok byyy hope you liked your reading

Songs chanelled:te amo ,tere hone laga hoon,cruel summer

Pile 4

Hii pile 4 whats happening my babies all of you are going through some shit anyways let's look into it yaa

You all may be going through some kind of rejection and you may have been feeling that now all of your plans are kind of no use??

Anyways the good news is there are other options which are better abd available to you so don't be so much into the grief that you ignore those ones

There might be some old friend or family trying to conntect you again

You could get some clarity on something you have been confused about for a long time

I see that you will work on more of your masculine energy and will take the room

Just a small advice to not over work yourself and trust people who you know wants your well-being

Songs chanelled:Aao Milo chalo,snap,Leyla.

Okay so take this as my comeback pack I would try to not just ghost every platform love you all alot please enjoy every day🕊️🕊️✨✨

Har Har Mahadev

#astrology #witch community #moon child #astro notes #kpop tarot #tarot reading #baby witch #spiritualguidance #psychic readings #pick a pile #pick and choose #pick a picture #athena swords #jeon jungkoooook #lana del slay #spiritualgrowth #spiritualism #autumm #tarot cards #tarotblr #witchcraft #witchblr

[rhoorl]

Working Title | Extra: Dieter's Morning

Pairing: Dieter Bravo x OFC Belle

Rating: Mature, 18+, for the love of all things please don’t engage if you are a minor ok? 

Word Count: 4.7k

Series Masterlist

Chapter Summary: What if we took the events from Chapter 6 and saw them from Dieter’s perspective?

Warnings: This chapter has some swearing. I don’t want to spoil anything, but here’s just a blanket “there could be adult stuff happening” warning. There is also a brief mention of Dieter’s former substance abuse issues, including an overdose. 

DIETER: Sweet dreams, Belle.

Dieter smiled to himself, rereading the short text exchange with Belle. He didn't sleep great most nights, but with the anticipation of having some time alone with her in the morning, he knew sleep was almost a lost cause for tonight.

Feeling a little antsy, he walked over to his kitchen for a snack. The box of cookies on the counter made his heart flutter a bit. He's relieved that the surprise went over well. It wasn't the grandest of gestures he could muster, but something about it just felt right for the two of them. 

From the outside, many assumed his love language was giving gifts. He was always generous with his family, friends, and those who worked for him. That same generosity was extended and, more often than not, exploited by his past lovers. 

What he valued more than anything else was quality time. Through therapy and introspection, he realized just how much his previous romantic relationships revolved around things he could give someone – drugs, sex, money, clout.

But Belle seemed different. Tonight at the party he felt so relaxed talking with her, even though he was flustered as hell. It was an exciting and new feeling for him, but also made a lot of his insecurities and vulnerabilities bubble to the surface.

He tried to calm his mind down enough for sleep. Tucking himself into bed, he set an alarm for the next morning – even though he knew he would be up well before it. His mind continued racing, so he tried closing his eyes to quell the swirl, but it didn't work.

She seemed to like the gift, right? Danny thought it was a good idea. I wonder what Liz is going to think … she’s probably going to think I’m doing too much too soon. Ugh, I need to go to sleep. Sleep. Go. To. Sleep. Dieter.

Frustrated, he let out a huff and threw the covers off, heading to the balcony. He needed to be outside to feel the breeze and hear the waves. Any type of water sound was always his go-to when using a sound machine or app to relax, but having the real thing was even better. Eventually, he felt himself getting drowsy so he crawled over to his bed.

His eyes fluttered open, checking his phone for the time. 

Hmm, 4, not bad.

He sat up in bed catching up on the family group chat. His brother’s family was on a trip to Disneyland that Dieter organized for them. He got them a VIP tour and put them up in the best room. He smiled as he scrolled through the photos, wishing he could be there making memories with them. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a warm glow emanating from the room next door. 

I wonder if Belle is up. I should text her. No, it’s so early. She’s probably going to turn the light off soon.

Ten minutes turned to twenty minutes, and he noticed the light was still on in her room. He thought he heard the sound of her balcony door sliding open, so he decided to throw on a T-shirt to go check.

He quietly stepped outside, seeing her sitting on a lounger. It looked like she was doing some breathing exercises that looked similar to what he would do when he tried to center himself. 

You should probably say something to her. It’s going to be creepy as fuck if she opens her eyes and sees you staring at her. 

“I knew I should have suggested we meet earlier,” he said in a raspy voice.

She jumped a little at his voice, clearly startled. 

Great move jackass.

He noticed she was in the same pajamas as the day before and he felt his face get warm.

Don’t look at her boobs, keep your eyes on her face. She’s so pretty.

She stared at him wide-eyed, clearly surprised to see him on the balcony again, and so early too. 

“We really have to stop meeting like this,” he winked.

“Ha, s-sorry I … did I wake you?” She pointed toward the light coming from her bedroom.

“Oh, ah,” rubbing the back of his neck.“I was already up. I was a-actually going to text you but it was so early,” he said looking down.

“You can always text me.” 

Oh. Ok, I like the sound of that.

He smiled, “Oh, well, that’s good to know.” His eyes betrayed him as he gazed down her body, stopping when he noticed her crossing her arms over her chest. “So, looks like we’re both up.”

“Yea.”

“I believe I promised you a hot cup of coffee,” he teased. “So, wanna have coffee now?”

“Uh yea, let me go grab the cookies.” She started to turn toward her room to go fetch the cookies.

I don’t want to do this across the balcony. I want her here. Fuck it.

“Hey, wait!” he called over. As she turned around he mustered enough courage to say, “Uh, you can totally say no, I won’t … ugh … um, do you want to come over here?”

“To your room?”

Ugh fuck. That was too much. Too bold.

“Uh…” he looked around nervously. Fuck, she thinks I’m some creep now. “Uh, nevermind mind, we ca-”

“No, it’s ok.”

“What?”

“I can come over. Can you give me a few minutes?”

“Yea,” he exhaled. “Yea, take all the time you need.”

“Ok. Uh, I’ll knock?”

“Yea, sounds good.”

They both stayed locked in each other’s gaze for a moment. Dieter was mesmerized by her eyes, trying to get a read of what she was feeling or thinking. He couldn’t help the grin that came across his face, noticing that she was reciprocating. Time seemed to stand still. Eventually, she was the one who snapped him out of his trance.

“Oh ok, I’ll be over soon.”

“Ok.”

She scurried into her room, but Dieter still couldn’t move. Knowing that she was going to be in his space, close to him again made him a little giddy, and frankly turned on. He wasn't expecting anything physical to happen, but just seeing Belle in her little sleep shorts and tank top, her nipples just barely poking through the cotton made him excited. He couldn’t help how his body was reacting and how thankful he was that she wasn't there to see it.

Fuck. I need to take a shower. A cold shower.

But first, he made a quick call down to room service. He wasn’t sure how Belle took her coffee, so he asked for them to bring up a few different options for milk and sweeteners. 

“I hate to be this guy, but could you hurry?” he asked the person who took his order.

“Absolutely, Mr. Bravo, it will be upstairs in 10 minutes.”

Knowing he had limited time, he decided to quickly hop in the shower to stave off any feelings of lust that were further infiltrating his system. Within no time, he was back dressed again, toweling off his hair and heading to the kitchen.

He heard a knock at his door, his stomach flipping thinking it was Belle. He looked through the peephole and saw a hotel worker with a cart.

“Oh hey, come on in,” he opened the door for the man who wheeled the cart in.

“Good morning, Mr. Bravo. Where should I set this?”

“Ugh, the kitchen is fine, thank you.”

The man quickly placed the different containers of milk on the counter followed by a dish of assorted sweeteners.

“Anything else you need, Mr. Bravo?”

“No-” looking at the man’s name tag “Lou. No, Lou, I’m all set. Thanks for getting up here so fast.” He grabbed his wallet and fished out a twenty-dollar bill, handing it over to the man.

“Absolutely, you’re very welcome.”

Once Lou was out of the room, Dieter went back to the kitchen counter, fidgeting with the placement of the containers, trying to busy himself to keep the nerves at bay.

He looked at the clock, it had been almost half an hour since he and Belle parted ways. 

I wonder if she decided not to come. Well, maybe I’ll just head over there. No, that is not a good idea.

He couldn’t handle this inner battle so, without thinking, he opened the door surprised to see Belle.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I really don’t mean to keep scaring you,” he chuckled. “I was starting to think you may have changed your mind.”

“Oh, sorry! I … uh I couldn’t find my…flip-flops!” she laughed nervously.

Oh, she changed. I like this outfit. Fuck, she looks good.

“You didn’t have to change for me,” he said looking her up and down, voice going a little bit lower than he intended. “But I’m not complaining.”

A little forward, but she seems to be ok with it.

“Come on in,” he opened the door, letting her pass by him before closing it and ushering her to the kitchen. “Here, let’s get you your coffee.” 

He wanted to touch her or bring her into an embrace. He lightly put his hand on her back as a compromise to himself. He took a breath as his fingers caught the warmth emanating from the sliver of her exposed skin between her pants and top.

“Uh, I never asked how you took your coffee, so I uh … I got you some options,” he said biting the inside of his cheek. “I called down to room service and they sent up half and half, skim milk, oat milk, almond milk,” pointing to each container. “And then there’s different sweeteners over here too. Sugar, Stevia, Splenda.” 

He had to admit that he was pretty proud of himself for not only thinking through different options but for having it arrive on time too.

She didn’t say anything, her eyes grazing over the kitchen island, taking everything in. 

Ugh, shit. I overdid it, didn't I?

“Uh. Sorry, this was probably too much…I always do too much,” he mumbled to himself, ruffling his hand through his hair.

“Wha-what, no! No, sorry, I just. I’ve never...um, I usually just take it black…most of the time."

She’s being sweet. I got too excited, I did too much. She’s going to get weirded out.

“But, I do have … um …oat milk from time to time in my coffee. It was this one, right?” she asked, pointing to one of the containers.

“Uh-uh yea, that one,” he gave a small smile. 

“Ok,” she said as she grabbed the container, looking around for a coffee cup.

“Oh, here, let me,” he moved around her to pour a cup. He didn’t think she’s being one hundred percent truthful so as he handed the cup back to her he decided to tease her a bit. “So you take it black all the time, huh?”

“Yea. Uh-” Caught you. “Shit. Uh, no I mean -”

“It’s ok,” he laughs. 

“You caught me,” she put her hands up in surrender. “I just take it black…all the time.”

“I guess you’re sweet enough, huh,” he winks.

She gives another nervous laugh, not meeting his eye contact and instead looking down at the ground.

“Ugh sorry that was pretty lame, right?”

“No, it was cute.”

Oh, okay. 

“Aww you think I’m cute?” he wanted to get closer so he leaned up against the counter next to her.

She blushes, still not being able to meet his eyes.

“Sorry, I was just messing with you,” he says playfully, knocking her shoulder to get her to smile. She has the most beautiful smile. “So, uh, let’s go outside? I want to try some more of those cookies.” 

He grabbed her tote off the counter, swinging it over his shoulder and collecting their coffee cups, leading the way outside.

She took a seat in a lounger. Not wanting this much distance between them, Dieter dragged the other lounger closer.

“So, what did you decide on?” 

She fished one of the boxes randomly out of the bag, “I brought the…coffee-flavored one.”

“Good choice, coffee squared." Lame fucking joke Dee.

“Ha, Yea, and then there’s…” she went to grab another box, “chocolate chip.”

“Solid.” 

Is there another box in there? There has to be right? 

Dieter’s mouth turned up a bit at the prospect of what flavor he was hoping she would pull out of the tote.

“And last, but not least … macadamia nut,” she said, dramatically pulling the last box out of her bag.

Hell yea.

“You brought the macadamia nut one? Good girl.”

He looked from her eyes down to her lips, biting his lower lip slightly. He heard her breath hitch as she squirmed a little bit in the chair. Although it was still a bit dark outside, he could see she was a bit flushed.

“Ha, I uh, I take direction well, what can I say.”

Dieter's brain short-circuited and he felt a surge deep in his groin. He suddenly had a flash to Belle sprawled out on his bed, his head in between her legs and she writhed in pleasure. Trying to hide the growing bulge in his shorts, he shifted in his seat and tried to inconspicuously adjust himself.

Belle kept her eyes on him, taking in his flustered state. He was thankful when he saw her gaze shift down to one of the boxes of cookies, fishing out a cookie and splitting it in half.

"We can share, that way we don't get too full?"

Their fingers brushed against each other slightly as she passed off the half to Dieter. He so desperately wanted to just take her hand in his.

Dieter racked his brain trying to think of something to talk to her about. 

This is so unlike me to be at a loss for words.

He cleared his throat, “So uh…Indy said you’ve known each other since you were little?”

He took a bite of his cookie as he waited for her reply.

“Uh yea. I guess I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever not known Indy. Our moms worked together and were pregnant at the same time. They even had a joint baby shower at work because once their boss found out they were both having girls he figured he could save money by just having one party with one cake,” she laughs, taking a bite.

He smiles seeing her relax a bit more as she talks about her best friend. “So then, which one of you is older?”

“Technically me. Indy gives off that big sister energy but she's two months younger.”

“Do you have any siblings?”

“No, just Indy. And her brother Ben. They’re like family.”

“That’s nice.”

“D-do you have any siblings?”

“Uh yea, I have a brother. He’s younger, like five years younger than me. He’s married with kids.”

“Oh, I bet you are a fun uncle!” 

I haven't always been. Those kids deserve the world.

“Ha, I didn’t always use to be,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I was a pretty shitty uncle for a while there, but these last few years have been awesome. They’re such cool fucking kids,” he smiled, but some melancholy settled in as the thought about the years he wasted and could never get back.

“Well, that’s awesome you can have that time with them now."

“Yea, it really is.”

He heard his phone buzzing, frustrated that something was interrupting his time getting to know her more.

Goddammit Liz of all the fucking times for you to call.

“Ugh, sorry I- I have to get this, it’s Liz. If I don’t answer she’ll freak out and keep calling til I pick up…old habits." 

She'll send the goddamn calvary.

“No, I get it. Need me to go?”

He mouthed no and motioned for her to stay.

"Hey, Lizzie…"

"You got her a surprise didn't you?" He could hear the smirk in her voice. 

Danny must have told her.

"Yea…"

“Did she like it?”

“Uh huh.”

“Did she spend the night Dee?”

“No…” He looked over apologetically at Belle that this conversation is even happening.

“Hmm ok. That was probably too early anyway. Hey, I’ll be out in a few days.”

“Ok, sounds good.”

“Don’t forget we have that interview.”

“Uh huh.” He wanted to get her off the phone as quickly as possible.

“And we need to figure out who is going to do your hair and makeup. Can you ask Meredith?”

“I will.”

“Ooo wait! Let’s have Belle do it. You’ll be able to spend all day with her-”

“Ok Liz, byeee!” He cut her off, hanging up the phone quickly. “Sorry about that,” he chuckled.

“All good, Liz is your…agent, right?”

“Yea…” he wasn’t sure where she was going with this.

“Oh, it’s just that I think she knows Indy’s agent Rhys.”

Oh duh! Rhys is Indy’s agent!

“Yea! Rhys! Rhys used to work for Lizzie. I’ve known him since he started.”

“Oh, cool! So, you’ve been with Liz for a long time, then?”

“Yea, since I was 20. She’s the only agent I’ve ever had, she’s been there through a lot.”

Dieter didn’t like thinking about his past too often. He’s made a lot of progress, but there are certain events that were still hard for him to process. And the unfortunate part is that Liz has been there through it all. She was the one who walked in on him when he overdosed, administering the Narcan to him just in time. She had been there for his countless trips to rehab, all the times he said he was going to do better and didn’t. He kept failing her, but she never gave up on him. 

He started rubbing his hands along his thighs, trying to center himself.

“Well, she must mean a lot to you after all of these years,” she gave a small smile.

She has to know about all of the shit that was in the press, right? Fuck. Even so, she doesn’t want to interrogate me or lecture me. She’s just … listening. 

“Yea, she’s never given up on me,” he confessed.

Dieter was a bit uncomfortable about how raw and vulnerable things were starting to feel, but he felt almost empowered by Belle’s compassion. All he craved at this point was her touch. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and ground himself in her presence. 

They looked at each other for a moment, before she leaned over and reached for his hand, giving it a squeeze.

“It’s great you have someone like that.”

I want someone like you. 

He always fell fast, but even he was surprised at himself for how quickly he was already falling for Belle. Trying to snap himself out of his thought process, he decided to try another cookie, breaking it in half and giving her a piece.

“Enough about me,” he chuckled, wanting to get the conversation off of him and back focused on her. He angled his body to face her. “I want to know more about you.”

“Me? Oh, I’m not that exciting.”

“Oh, I don’t believe that.” 

They spent the next couple of hours talking about everything from favorite movies and TV shows, he found out she was a huge Jurassic Park fan. They debated whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza, even though she was wrong it was cute to see how passionate she was. And they talked about what they wanted to be as kids, she wanted to be a teacher. 

The conversation flowed freely. She was funny, smart, and easy to talk to, and radiated empathy.

After a while, Dieter noticed that they were both out of coffee. Pointing to her cup he asked if she wanted more.

“Uh yea, maybe a little bit more before I head out,” she looked at her phone checking the time.

No, I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want this moment to be over yet.

“I uh … since tomorrow is officially our first day, I want to make sure I have time to get everything done,” she explained. “Plus, we have to prep for a meeting with the cast.”

“No, I get it, here let’s go,” he got up and led the way back to the kitchen. 

Once there, he filled her cup about halfway and handed it back to her. 

“I, I really liked this.”

“The coffee? Yea, it's pretty good. Dan says it's local too,” he chuckled

“No, I mea- … it’s nice to talk to someone…and have them listen,” she smiled.

You don’t even know.

“Oh. Yeah, it is. W-would you want to do this again?”

“Have coffee? Yea!”

“I meant talk,” he said softly.

“Oh. Oh yea, I’d love to.” 

Hearing this admission made Dieter’s eyes instantly light up.

“What about tonight? You’re probably busy…but if you’re not, and you’re looking for something to do, I think … uh … I’d like to see you again.”

Dammit Dee, you’re rambling and also smothering her, give her space.

“I’m not busy tonight,” she cut him off. “Text me and we’ll figure something out.”

Rubbing the back of his neck, “Yea, ok sounds good. No pressure though, I don’t want you getting sick of me.”

She closed the distance between them and put a hand on his forearm before saying in a flirty tone, “I very much doubt that.” 

Her touch was electric, igniting something in him he didn’t even know was there. Now it was his turn to suck in his breath. She smiled, put down her cup, and grabbed her bag to leave.

"Wait,” he said as she turned back towards him. “We never tried the macadamia one," he smirked, looking at her mouth where that sinful moan emanated from the morning before. 

I can’t wait to hear that again.

She bites her lips, looking down coyly, but there was something almost devilish in her eyes. 

Is she flirting with me?

"I don't think you're ready for that again," she said as she slowly turned away and looked over your shoulder.

Images raced through his brain wondering how she would feel, sound, taste. As she headed toward the door, Dieter felt compelled to do something, so he reached for her arm as she turned back to look at him.

“C-can I give you a hug?” he said with big puppy dog eyes. 

A hug is innocent enough, right?

“Yea, I’d like that.” 

He smiled and covered the space between the two of them. He wrapped his arms around her waist as she rose up on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck. Bringing her in closer, Dieter nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck, taking a deep breath. He had to resist the urge to pepper kisses down her neck, so he just hovered his lips centimeters from her.

She smells like citrus and something sweet.

He felt her breath on his neck, sending a pulse down his spine. The proximity made his cock grow. The two stayed in this embrace for what felt like minutes. Dieter could feel himself relaxing, being held like this gave him a sense of safety.

She feels like home.

He could have stayed like this longer, but unfortunately, his dick was starting to take over and he didn't want to do anything to jeopardize the tender moment they'd shared. But still, he had to get at least one more flirty comment in.

As he started to pull away he brought his mouth to her ear, whispering "For the record, I am very much ready for the macadamia ones again." 

He pulled back from her, bringing his arms from around her waist to rest on her forearms, rubbing small circles down them.

“I hope you have a great day, don’t work too hard,” he winked.

She looked flustered, blushing, and barely able to look at him.

“You too."

Shit, was this too much too soon? No Dee, get it together. You once fucked a girl after knowing her for five minutes. Giving someone a hug is literally fine.

Trying to gauge where her mind was he cleared his throat asking if he could text her later. Seeing her nod and give a little smile he exhaled, relaxing a bit at the confirmation that she too wanted to still see him later.

“Ok, sounds good.” He smiled and watched her walk out the door, discreetly trying to check her out. He had been trying to be respectful, stealing glances whenever she looked away.

Once he closed the door, he turned resting his back against it, leaning his head back, and closing his eyes. Today was going to be full of meetings and the script read-through, so he didn't have too much time to organize something grand.

You don't need something grand. Something that is special to her … to us.

Dieter thought of ideas as he walked back into the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen island, elbows propped up with his head in his hands.

Think. Think. Think.

He turned his head slightly and caught a glimpse of the bag of coffee he used this morning. The wheels in his head started turning, so he reached for his phone to call Danny.

"Hey, Dieter! I was trying to let ya sleep in a bit. What's up?"

"Did you say the coffee in the room is local?"

"Wha- ye- yea. Why?"

"Is it like the cookie place, can you visit it?"

"Are we going on another adventure today?" Danny chuckled, amused that his boss was so smitten. 

"Yes. Well, not with you. Can I borrow the car this afternoon after the meetings wrap up?"

"Ooo, are you going to take her?" 

"Near this coffee place, are there places to eat … like for dinner?"

"Ohhhh okay, I see how this is. You’re going to ignore my questions,” Danny chuckled. “But to answer your question, yea there are places to eat out that way.”

"Do you think you can help me get some details ready for this afternoon?"

"Are you kidding? I love this stuff."

After he hung up with Danny, Dieter started cleaning up the kitchen a bit, putting the containers of milk into his fridge and tidying up the counter.

He got himself dressed for the day and grabbed the script to reread it. With his glasses and a bottle of water in one hand, and the script in the other, he headed to the balcony. He took breaks, closing his eyes, trying to listen to the calming waves, but his thoughts went immediately to Belle. Her smile, her eyes, the way she felt in his arms as if they were two puzzle pieces.

His thoughts were broken up by a sound he couldn't quite place. Opening his eyes he strained to try and make out where this noise was emanating from. To him, it sounded like heavy breathing and moaning as if someone wa-

Holy shit. Is she?

Dieter got up and walked to the edge of his balcony, peering over to Belle's. He noticed that her balcony door was open, confirming that the sounds were coming from her room.

She is totally getting herself off. Fuck. 

Part of him wanted to give her some privacy, but that part of him was quickly being drowned out by the part controlled by his dick. He was quickly getting more and more turned on. It sounded like she was getting close as her breathing and gasping increased. He felt himself growing, stretching against his pants, so he palmed his crotch a bit to relieve some pressure.

Is she about to say my name? No there's no fucking way. This is so fucking hot, though. If I was younger I would fucking jump this distance between these balconies and head in there to help.

He heard her come undone, gasping for breath.

"Fuuuuuck," he could faintly hear her say as she tried to catch her breath.

"Fuck," he softly repeated.

The images in his mind raced through all of the different ways he wanted her. He wondered what she looked like when she came, just knowing it had to be one of the most beautiful sights and hoping he’d be lucky enough to see it sometime. Craving that knowledge and now armed with more evidence as to what she sounded like, he walked into the living room and quickly unbuckled his pants, sitting on the couch. He came in near record time after spending the entire morning trying to keep it at bay. As he sat there panting, his mind wandered.

She is either going to be the best or worst thing to ever happen to me.

A/N: This little extra was purely self-indulgent on my part … I was curious what Dieter was up to and thinking. We’ll find out more about these plans Dieter has in Chapter 7. As always, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read my little story. It means so much!

Tag list: @musings-of-a-rose / @legendary-pink-dot / @bitchwitch1981 / @mysterious-moonstruck-musings / @gracie7209 / @amneris21 / @pastelnap / @maryfanson / @sunnywithachanceofjavi / @sin-djarin / @winchestergypsy90

#working title fic #dieter bravo fic #dieter x reader #dieter bravo fanfic #dieter bravo fanfiction

[desceros]

Ok. So Leo. What he told Viola chan was nooot what I had expected at all. But like, he started to say that it had begun to be genuine, not a false thing to see how much he could use her to "fix" Donnie. Will we learn the instant when he realized that he actually did view her as a friend? Also, the language of him saying, "You weren't part of the family" as in past tense. He clearly sees her as something more than just a friend who is messing with his brother. Now she is apart of the family he protects, and him using her clearly has him feeling very remorseful.

You are a freaking genius *gives a single cookie* =_= thank you for the emotion torment

~La Anon

MORE COOKIES HELL YEA take THAT ao3 symphony fandom

i don't think there was "an instant" he sees you as a friend. i think it was the kind of thing where... slowly you wormed your way little by little into him. showing him over and over that you cared about them. that you wanted to be family. that you wanted the best for them. that you loved them. until finally he's like UGH FINE I GUESS YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND OR WHATEVER AND YOURE REALLY AWESOME AND I LIKE YOU A LOT AND KIND OF REGRET BEING A MASSIVE PIECE OF SHIT

there are two really significant events for him, though. that's the chapter 12 moment when he scares you and really sees for himself the depth of his anger and what it looks like to someone outside of himself. (his disgust in his actions here is genuine.) and the moment in chapter 15 when he smells that you and donnie are having sex. it occurs to him that the relationship you have with his twin is a lot more serious and intimate than what he'd thought. (this leads him to really do some introspection about what he's doing, prompting the "what i want" conversation where he decides to stop being a malicious fuckhead.)

#ask tag #symphony tag #more meta!!! wow. im in a chatty mood i suppose #symphony meta

[spongebobsquarepiss]

posting for the first time in so long. hello

here are some things people don't tell you about top surgery before you get it.

•constipation is a bitch, there will be a poop belly baby. it will not be fun or cute. it will be hideous.

•sleeping is horrendous for stomach and side sleepers.

•sunburn????

•skin will peel around the incision

•someone might have to help wipe while using the bathroom

•shame and embarrassment don't exist here. literally none.

•no shower after surgery for a week. baby wipes, dry shampoo, and hand sanitizer.

•ive seen many people say that after surgery you won't want to cuddle or feel anyone, this, personally, was misleading. I needed constant affection or physical touch from my partner. sad I couldn't cuddle them before we left :(

•looking in the mirror, who's that guy? that's you. you guy. flat chest guy. that's u, guy

•the information they give will be enough and yet not nearly enough. read the packet over and over again, then do it again before asking the poor nurse on the patient portal the same goddamn question she's heard a million times

•acne breakout?

•hair will start to grow, mine happened to be my chest and face. it could be the booty or feet for others. always count your blessings.

•pain meds are your friend. use wisely but listen to your body. use the big prescribed med when needed but it might make you sleepy

•cbd gummies were my savior for sleep and pain, use mindfully, like anything else, duh

•i had large tits and after they were gone my back muscles had to readjust. it felt weird and hurt a bit. stretch. always stretch.

•seriously, doing shoulder/neck stretches every day will help recovery and gain back mobility. the skin is stiff, hard, and taught after surgery. it will need some love in all forms

•use what lotion/gel the doc suggests for the scars and surrounding areas. that shit will be so dry and desperate for love

•healing time is the perfect time to do some new or old hobbies, watch a few shows, and have time to do lots of introspective personal work. choose your time wisely.

•it is okay to do nothing. it is okay to sleep. it is okay to do nothing. It is okay to do nothing. did you hear that??? it is okay to do nothing. the body is healing and needs the rest. doing nothing is the best thing anyone can do. it is ok to do nothing.

•^remember to take your meds and practice whatever coping mechanisms you have to help with depression, anxiety, guilt, etc

•all this weirdness and pain was worth it. every single part. living a life without a chest is worth all of the waiting and the pain and the worry.

I hope this helps anyone. someone thinking about maybe getting top surgery and wondering what it's like. this is not the full picture, this is my own experience, please do more digging if you're on the search for information on top surgery.

much love to all

#transgender #trans #ftm #top surgery #trans surgery #trans masc #trans info

[wormlette]

Your fic "a good dog" lives rent free in my brain and I'm so glad bc the characterization and the introspection and LAIOS SERVICING CHILCHUCK just make me go feral, can't wait to read what comes next ❤️

(and the noises I made while reading "fervent, writhing" could only be heard by shrimps).

PS: Y'all at the chilaios council are tempting me so hard to create a Chilaios sideblog bc all your brains are so HUGE

OK FIRST OF ALL sorry for hanging onto this ask for so long, I have been cradling it in my hands like a good luck charm while I write ❤️ I appreciate you so much. ALSO "noises that could only be heard by shrimps" is part of my lexicon now lmao.

I've been trying to get a good dog arranged into some sort of satisfying narrative -- I don't know how obvious it is, but even when I was writing more regularly, I still mostly only ever wrote drabble type things that are unconnected. Writing an actual story is my bane in life, but I've been very inspired to try because of all of you.

Here is a good dog snippet I'm particularly proud of!! It's a flashback!!!

“If I can ask…” Laios held up a finger, like a kid raising their hand. Chil raised a brow, and he and Falin watched curiously to see what would come next.

“…why did I upset you?”

Chilchuck sighed and ran his hand through his hair, messing it up further. He resisted the urge to grab it and tug. This guy really needed that said?

“Okay, but I want you to think for a minute, first. Have you ever seen a party lead by a half-foot, Laios? Have you ever even heard of one?”

Laios looked at the ceiling, hmm-ing. “…I guess not?”

“Right. That’s because the things a party leader needs, half-foots don’t have. That’s what people think. Long-legs think anyone who can’t fight can’t be in charge.” He shrugged. “They don’t say it, but it’s like that.”

Laios frowned and started to open his mouth. Chil waved his hand to cut him off. “The way people perceive you is everything in an adventurer’s party. ‘S just how it is.”

The siblings stayed silent. Were they twins? He realized he didn’t know. He’d been a bit incurious about them as well, truthfully. Assuming he’d work for them a little while before they parted ways, probably from pissing each other off. That hadn’t happened yet, so…

“Well. And that's exactly why YOU-“ he swung his empty mug at Laios - “have got to start taking this more seriously! This exact kind of thing is what I’m talking about!” They let him rant on. Having both of their attention on him was not a new feeling, but he ignored it. “The reactions people will have to you are exactly what a leader needs to be aware of! You can’t just say whatever you want!” He was ranting. “You’ll damage their trust in you if you’re careless. Think about how they’ll think, Laios.” It was so obvious, but Laios’ eyes were alight. Had nobody ever had talks like this with him? “And if you can’t figure *that* out, then at least listen to the people around you.” They were listening like he was bestowing crucial information on them. Chilchuck suddenly felt like laughing. There was something funny about these two overgrown dummies, so eerily at home in the dungeon but so in need of caretaking outside of that. They’d followed him around like puppies on errands across town to the bank and the slums, and now they were hanging on his every word. Eventually, he paused, raising his mug and drinking deeply until only foam was left. A warm feeling was in his gut.

“So it’s ok if I ask you, next time?” Laios looked at him with glimmering eyes. “If it’s an imposition, we could renegotiate…”

The idea of Laios renegotiating was laughable enough to make Chilchuck reach for the pitcher, but Laios beat him to it and leaned over to give him a refill. Ha! Maybe he wasn’t completely helpless. He was thinking now, wanting not to offend, wanting to be helpful. This was the kind of thing a party leader needed to practice, so it suddenly seemed very appropriate to reinforce him. “Yes! Like that! Good boy!”

If not for his keen senses, he would’ve never noticed. As it was, most of the time Chilchuck convinced himself he’d imagined it. The look in Laios’ eyes, in that instant, was feral.

#also FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART CREATE A SIDEBLOG TO BECOME EVEN MORE UNHINGED ON IT'S SO FUN.

[altraviolet]

Any opinions on starscream?

lol

ok...

...

hrgh.

I've never been drawn to his character. TFP Starscream is probably my favorite, if I had to choose. He seems pretty complex and the wingy movements are divine.

Starscream overall though... hmm. I guess he's ... fine in canon. His presence and actions tend to be predictable, if not tiring.

But fandom... fandom Starscream is someone I never, ever want to meet. A lot of people love him, and they love him for the exact reasons why I don't like real life people xD I'm not drawn to self-centered, bitchy, backstabbing characters. [NOTE: These are all words I've seen Starscream fans use to describe him while explaining why they like him.] He has a lot of fans, but his allure escapes me. There's more I could say about that, but it would truthfully be an introspection into why I like/don't like certain characters, and we would stray from Starscream as a focus.

So as not to leave the ask on a negative note, here are some Starscream-related things I do like:

-Fayren's art of Starscream for those particular IDW issues. Fucking beautiful art. I guess I more like the art than the character, but these were issues concerning him.

-Starscream/Skyfire appeals a little and tends to have really pretty fanart. Skyfire, why?? You deserve better, lol.

-the panel at the top of the ask makes me laugh

#ask #anonymous #starscream #probably an unpopular opinion lol #but we all like what we like #this is also why I don't tend to like Swindle #just an unpleasant character #I don't want to spend time with unpleasant characters

[tinytinybumblebee]

👉👈 aaaaa ok thank you thank you!! sorry in advance for how long this is gonna be lol… for context it takes place right after the Cazador fight, I’m admittedly way too stuck on introspection so there can be some real blocks of text here, this is all I have written so far, thank you for being willing to let me send it in ;v;

———

“Here we are,” Tav placed the quietly sniffling Astarion on his bed. “It’s alright, shh…”

It was amazing that Astarion had managed to push down his regression long enough to finally kill Cazador and talk to his siblings about their fate, but he could only hold strong for so long. Tav had seen it in him the moment Cazador seized him for the ritual—looking him in the eyes and calling him tiny. Small. Little. A boy. All things Tav called Astarion, things Astarion himself, when in his usual state, said he wanted to reclaim. All of that was undone in an instant as Astarion was put on display and proclaimed not his caregiver’s sweet little boy, but a small, pathetic, weak little child who could never be more than what he depended on others for. 

He could give it more thought, spin his wheels more, but he was so… tired. He’d kept himself big for so long, practically clenched his own throat shut while he cried to keep things from spilling into a downward spiral that would have him crying harder and harder—embarrassing enough—but also surely regressing right then and there.

But now that he was here, somewhere private, the smell of death and the dark of the dungeon far behind them, he couldn’t bear to think like an adult for one more blessed minute. He was done keeping himself afloat. He could hate himself for it later.

“Dada,” he whimpers thickly, barely above a whisper as he reaches weakly for Tav. 

Tav has his back turned, grabbing something out of Astarion’s hidden regression supply stash. 

“Dada,” he repeats with more urgency, which gets Tav to spin around.

“Oh, little love,” Tav breathes. “Shh-shh-shh. It’s going to be okay.”

There’s a lot Astarion could say—and wants to say—in this moment. But he can barely get his mouth around words at all, and his skin crawling under the blood covering every inch of him was drowning out any other thought.

“Yucky,” he sniffs, gripping his arms, cringing at the cold touch of the blood splattering his skin.

Tav reaches out a hand, but Astarion flinches away. As if surprised by his reaction, Tav nearly does the same. 

“Astarion,” he says softly. “Do you want dada to clean the yucky off you?”

Astarion bristles at the thought. He would like the yucky off. But if it meant he’d have to be touched all over…

He meets Tav’s eyes, soft and reassuring. They don’t flick away for even a second, just fixed on him like he’s the most important thing in the world. 

Tav—Dada is safe.

He sniffs and holds out his arms. Tav responds in kind and gathers him up in one confident motion that could fool anyone into thinking who he was carrying wasn’t really a grown man. 

Astarion really can’t recall what happens next. He blocks most of it out, not wanting to think about seeing himself with his clothes off again.

No more reminders.

All that remained of the next hour or so, maybe less, was a faint feeling of warmth, kind hands on his skin, and a creeping fear being pushed back by whispered comforts and praises. It was such a nice feeling. So nice, at some point, he started crying. But with his head too fuzzy to understand the reason, he just faded back in all too suddenly with the sweet smell of soap in the air and tears rolling down his cheeks. They snuck into the corners of his mouth, pooling between his lips and making his nose wrinkle at the salty taste. 

And suddenly, that salty taste was all he could focus on. Surrounding him, poking at his tongue like needles, stinging his eyes somehow, overpowering his senses—it was the worst taste. The worst taste ever. It only made him cry more, wanting it out of his mouth, but that just made more tears follow. As his cries got louder, the hands he could faintly feel gently massaging his skin suddenly retracted and he was cold, so, so cold. And lost. Like he was adrift in the sea somewhere far away, neck deep in the—water? He was in water, he realized, taking a deep, shallow breath. Was he really in the sea? It tasted salty like the sea. He didn’t like it! 

Where was Tav??

“DADAAAA!” Astarion sobbed, grasping about uselessly. 

And just like that, suddenly the kind hands were back, holding him steady in the churning sea that was—that was only a bathtub. Astarion hiccuped, grabbing Tav by the wrists to try and pull himself out, away from all the overwhelming sensation.

“Hey, hey, sweet thing, it’s okay, it’s okay, I’m sorry I let go of you, I thought you didn’t want to be touched, shh, shh,” Tav spoke quickly, putting his hands around Astarion’s back. 

Oh my GOODNESS?????🥺🥺🥺🥺💖💖💖 You are a phenomenal writer aaaaa!!!!

Poor Astarion 😭💔 Poor baby boy needs his Dada, that soft safety he deserves from that who he truly trusts aaaAAAAAAAA and Tav instantly coming back to hold his frightened baby bat the moment he hears Astarion crying for them 🥺💖

#agere #age regression #sfw #fandom agere #mailbox #bg3 #Astarion

[plutorine]

Thoughts on Demons (2014)

this was originally going to be part of my demons (2014) thread on my twitter, but i'll just be dumping my thoughts about the series here on tumblr. i'll continue where i left off from where i closed the thread.

spoilers below the cut. there will be triggering content as well (suicide, mention of blood). don't expect this to be coherent. also i haven't read the book yet (oooh when i tell you about how desperate i am in getting a copy here in the PH), so yeah.

long read ahead.

okay. the last scene i watched last night was liza nikolaevna (and mavriky) getting beaten by the townspeople after the death of the lebyadkins due to her connection to stavrogin (and stavrogin being the main suspect of the siblings' death). did they really have to beat the poor girl? why must a woman (yet again) suffer from the misdeeds of a man HGKJDGFJGHDK

also pyotr,,, maniacally dancing in the pig pen....

man. the whole thing about shatov finally getting the chance to be a father and live with a family of his own only to be shot in the head by pyotr is just. :((( my jaw was on the floor i tell you. i was devastated and utterly wrecked.

the thing with demons (2014) is that it's on a different level of insanity than, say, c&p. c&p is depressing. demons wrecked me from start to finish. i cannot stress how many times the hairs on the back of my head stood up whenever pyotr would manipulate and rope in stavrogin in his plans.

it has the vibes of like,, trying so desperately to wash off blood from your hands but the blood just "magically" keeps on getting redder and redder and it doesn't really come off

also what the fuck was that pyotr??? mans just shot shatov in point-blank range and has the audacity to eat chicken (without washing his hands, to boot)??? like OH you going to HELL hell.

this scene with kirillov's lines:

i mentioned in the thread that i had to brush up on russian history before i read/watch demons because otherwise, it would just completely fly over my head

it was pretty interesting watching how this movement that pyotr was trying to mobilize fit the existing narrative then within the context of 19th century russian politics; demons was essentially dostoevsky "warning" of what could possibly be if people who thought like verkhovensky would get the upper hand in deciding the course of the russia's future

i admit i can't really speak about this because well, i'm not russian, but i deeply appreciate the how dostoevsky was able to weave all of this in his novel in such a way that leaves even me, a foreigner, in deep thought about what the implications of such an ideology would have on a wider context outside its country of origin

ok kirillov wtf HAHAHAHAHA ang gago niya XD

stavrogin's confession.

VILE. stavrogin you VILE, VILE, MAN. i don't have any words for it at all. raskolnikov ends up looking like a saint when i put him next to stavrogin.

on another note maksim matveev's teary-eyed face in that scene is so fucking beautiful i almost cried along with him

i seriously want to ask dostoevsky why he insists on making beautiful the characters that we're supposed to dislike/critique

heck even that notion warrants much introspection

like he's about to k-word himself but he still looks so hot? okay i need to stfu

i like the bit here with tikhon talking about revolutions and such:

this reminds me very much of my country's very own EDSA Revolution (there's EDSA Uno and Dos, but I'm talking more about EDSA Uno here because it's probably more relevant to the political state of my country rn). i won't go into depth about it, but you can check the wiki of it to get an idea of what i mean.

(they can be *gets shot*)

the ending scene. okay.

i talked about this w my twt moot and according to her, the most accepted theory is that the kid there (with dasha) is stavrogin's, and verkhovensky's reaction to seeing them there was like him getting the idea to continue his failed twisted plan, but with the kid in the place of his father. just. what the fuck man. leave that kid alone.

i was also told that this scene wasn't really in the book? yeah. so there's that.

concluding thoughts:

at this point i'm quite used to ruslit plots wrecking my mental state and subjecting me to emotions that make me want to stare at a wall, so this experience with watching demons (2014) was not as jarring as i feared it to be XD as expected, there were really some scenes that left me like "huh??? 🤨🤨", but really that's because i haven't read the book. what i plan to do is once i get the book, i'm gonna read it as i revisit the series.

also maksim matveev? yeah. that man is HOT hot. i could stare at his stavrogin all day if i could.

that's it for me! thank you to everyone who engaged with the thread, it made the experience of watching demons (2014) more enjoyable.

my next target watch on the dostoevsky adaptation list is the italian tbk film!! that or the 1968 russian one. will definitely make a live commentary thread about either on twitter as well.

#shut up rin #fyodor dostoevsky #demons (2014) #devils #the possessed #russian literature #rin's stuff: ruslit commentary #nikolai vsevolodovich stavrogin #pyotr stepanovich verkhovensky #ivan pavlovich shatov #alexei nilych kirillov #darya pavlovna shatova #lizaveta nikolaevna tushina #maksim matveev

[kadekuro]

New to the find us alive fandom and you kinda seem like you know a lot about it so um

Got any fanfic recommendations

all of these are on ao3 because that's where i get my fanfixtion, but i'm sure you could find some others on fanfiction.net or wattpad! that said there's only 39 fics on ao3 as far as i've found (i went to the SCP tag and filtered "find us alive" as a term) gonna throw this under a readmore

ok, so we don't have very long fics in the fandom yet, but a lot of fans have made a lot of one shots, so here's some notable authors and my favorite from each:

Apreedulure - lots of mostly fluffy short fics, plays with some AU ideas like superheroes, or like, canon-parallel AUs where like, two characters are secretly married or something lmao, also i think has the current longest fic in the fandom on ao3?

Painted walls Rating: Gen Ships: Harlanc (implied) Summary: Dr. Lancaster and his team scheme behind Director Alves’ back Flufftober Day 6: Corn Maze

Bandtrees - fucking angsty ass, i do not partake in their writing because i have trouble with the content, but i'll recommend their longest fic if you're into that

Somebody Will Help Bandage It Rating: Teen And Up Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Ships: Harlanc Summary: Head dropping limply into a bloody hand, Harley groaned into his palm - the smell of copper didn’t help his racing thoughts, the unfortunate memories it felt these days like the only purpose of his existence was to try to distract himself from. In the bare bones survival objective Site-107 found itself in, nobody was clambering for more speeches about the Body Code, nobody needing tests transcribed or reports read on air - Edmund Harley’s only reason for being, at this point, was to rot in the ground and wonder where his life went wrong. -- Lancaster breaks Harley. Klein and Love try to pick up enough pieces for the both of them.

mabi_lune - 2 hurt/comfort Harlanc fics and the fwuffy one that's my jam

the drive back Rating: Gen Ships: Harlanc (pre-ship) Summary: Before everything, Lancaster drives Harley home after a New Year's party at Site-107.

Reeamathemage - lots of short character introspectives, or just small emotional moments

Taco Tuesday Rating: Gen Ships: RaddLove Summary: They finally get out. Then they have tacos about it.

with these authors pointed out, i'm gonna throw in some other fics i enjoyed!

Our Love is Written in the Stars by Mushymushroomy Rating: Gen Ships: Harlanc Summary: A quiet night in the communications office

If you need to, darling, lean your weight to me by sleepylea Rating: Gen Warnings: Alcohol, Drunkenness Ships: Harlanc Summary: Based on the scene from episode 00 where Lancaster puts a drunk Harley to bed. Harley doesn't remember what he said last night, but waking up with Lancaster’s coat and a bad feeling in his gut, he knows he has to find out. Title from I, Carrion (Icarian) by Hozier

The Observer by TheSaintElectric Rating: Gen Summary: “The feeling of being connected to the cameras grew after moving to England. I felt so in tune with them and how they worked: what areas they covered, how people moved from one camera to another, and where the blind spots were, that they started to feel like part of me. I’d developed a hunger for watching.” Or Statement of Ingrid Raddagher, regarding their career as a surveillance officer

Behind closed doors by greeniebeany Rating: Mature Ships: RaddLove Summary: She drug her hands dramatically down her face, pulling her lower eyelids with them. Love huffed, pushing a loose piece of hair off her forehead with the indigent puff of air. “I can’t just tell you what to say, it doesn't work like that!” Love and Radd spend some time together after hours.

also here's my fic

Redbull, Company, and Sleep by kurobook Rating: Gen Warnings: Alcohol, Drunkenness Ships: Harlanc (pre-ship) Summary: A short what-if from ep 00, on some things from Lancaster's perspective.

Anyways hope you enjoy! And don't be afraid to write something too <3

#fua #find us alive #scp fua #scp find us alive #kuro answers #anon #read more

[zeravmeta]

whining about personal irl introspection stuff

since my friend groups mostly consist of trans peeps it always has kind of wormed its way into my head my own thoughts abt my gender and stuff but like for my whole life ive always been pretty comfortable as a cis dude and like for the most part despite growing up with very traditional parents ive also never really felt pressured to like follow the same gender roles they have like my parents are basically the one foot in the door type where like if for whatever reason hypothetically i come out as trans and gay double whammy them my dad whose a pretty Mans Man type of guy would still love me but i know he'd think that he did something wrong (out of ignorance not malice he would absolutely maul someone if they made fun of me) vs my mom who would also be accepting but it would become the next hot topic of her friend groups gossiping and neither are malicious but ive also seen them make themselves suffer over their own gender roles (men do this v women do this) and like i honestly think the reason i dont put much stock into gender as a concept is because most people focus on the roles aspect of it and even with my best efforts ive never really deprogrammed that out of them but honestly above all else im lazy as hell and wont impose more arbitrary rules like that onto myself so when i say im cis im not cis plus im like cis hasnt touched the personalization settings and forgot the login and ofc this would also bleed into ideas like romance and sexuality with aforementioned roles and when it comes to romance this leads more into my experiences with my asshole brother who would always be bringing girlfriends and bragging about being a sex beast but he could never hold onto a relationship and was always dumped and cheated on multiple times (and with modern context and Adult Brain i know its likely because he was a fucking asshole) while my parents would always argue but theyd also been together for 35+ years and wouldnt trade each other for the world so neither of those would be a good reference point for romance but this one also came down to me Not Really Caring where I wouldn't mind a romantic relationship if it happened and im p sure if I liked the person enough to where said stage of romance would even be happening i would invite it but im also not really agonizing over it and can be pretty comfortable being without a partner and on the sex side of things this one is a little weird because ive also Not Cared about it however i know I do have desire for people so im not ace and when it bleeds so intermittently with the romance aspect i just kind of assumed i was ace for a while in my teens until i learned the Words and Terms and such so i was like oh huh i guess i just dont seek romance and thats not the same as liking other humans physically and on that front i guess im just ok with any type of partner so like with neither of these considerations ever being a factor for gender or presentation esp when im a 6ft behemoth of a guy with a strongman body build and never had any type of body dysphoria with that i was and honestly still am perfectly comfortable just being a cis dude and for the past decade it has literally not changed im here for a good time not a long time

anyways this is a very long winded wordy way of saying that im pretty sure im cis aro and bi/pan because ive never cared about gender never wanted a partner and also i appreciate mens tits and cockenbalsen too much to be straight and this post came about because I was thinking of getting an anime man body pillow cover and was imagining the scandalized looks on my parents faces lol

[athena-swords]

Pick a pile reading

The main character energy you are coming in.what your friends think of you.what is your charm(intutive)

Disclaimer:It is the believer of the craft which knows what is to be taken and what to not so be mindful of it.

Here are the piles...

Pile 1

Hey pile 1 hope so you all are doing good.ohh this pile definitely have got the vibes so we can see a very confident and firey person in this pile those who are the 'popular' person in high school.Takes stand for what feels right and is loud about their thoughts. Some of you can be migrants or just love traveling the person you look in the streets and be like wish it could me one day. Winning and lots of small victories.

What your friends think of you?

Most of them think you are above average in your craft.The friends which gives great advice they may think you very much like to live in your own fairytale and sometimes will have to remind you of that.A competition they have to keep up with in carrer or school take what fits. Someone who have a balance lifestyle and don't have to dwell on management of their finances much.

What is your charm(intuitive)

Could smell expensive, femme vibes ,intense eye contact,lol I heard taste so idk take how you want,mysterious understanding of things (I hope u understand what I mean).

Pile 2

Hiii  pile 2 hope so the winters are giving you not so much of trouble  maybe people is you as a helper or more of a saver I am  Getting such a BAD BITCH energy from you but not that bitchy kind its more like if you mess with me or my people you are gone. you are kind at the same time you and pile 1 are a bit similar so you can check out that too if you want. life of the party or just someone who lives the  moment .a competitive person who like to WIN like its gives them the kick,validation, self confidence  what ever you would like to take it as . if you are seeing number 9 repeatedly you need to do a self introspection -message from your guides.....

What your friends think of you?

okay right of the bet your friends  konw how much efforts you put on the things you desire for (maybe you dont get the results soon though) they see your cute bratty side and love it as many of ur friends dont mind pampering you.ur love language could be gifting or just being there comforting them.all of ur friends are glad that you just know that they feel and what to say.BTW one of your friends might be missing  now as you are busy these days and not get to connect much they would like to go on outings again.

ok see from the energies I am getting I can say that your friends group genuinely care for you like all of them but just be careful of those whom you dont trust

What is your charm(intuitive)

bad bitch ,warm hugs in winter ,tired ,not sassy but can be...  at times, manifesting clear skin,2022 taught you about____

Pile 3

heyy my babies I hope you have learned your lessons like life been so hard on you like sooo fucking hard you are like the warrior who becomes more strong after each wounds yaa like I was not getting the right words for you  all my love goes to you like you know the character who goes through every shit but comes victorious at the end you are that bitch and never let yourself think anything less than that  you have overcome the worst so just hold on a bit and you will see that there is a happy journey written for you too and people who made you feel like you are nothing are gonna get there fruits dont worry YOU DO YOU .see maybe you dont had those happy memories or teen life hack I would even say childhood life but belive me when I say everything you imagined yourself doing you will be soon pursuing it your guides are telling you to just wait for a little bit until then remember they are there for you.maybe something or someone who you thought as your saviour left you or were not what you thought they were but dont worry the universe sees what you dont they were not someone you needed in your life they would have done more bad than good 

What your friends think of you?

you hardly have friends dont you or whom you can truly call your friend so been betrayed by a friend haa they left you out or were keeping you in the dark but dont take the blame they are just a ill moral and maniplative person but there is surly a childhood friend or a friend who is romantically interested in you darling I am just so sorry that I am not getting what they think but more about the situation IG you need these messages more as your guides are strongly giving these messages as last this friend or lover  admires the strength you have shown and are happy that you are trying to move on and not repeat the patterns within 4 to 6 months you will be meeting people who not only match your vibes but will understand you and guide you there they all will be probably more mature or eolder than you.hoping the best for you.

What is your charm(intuitive)

lo lita, my bag -song, counting starts-song, pitch dark, ghilbi studio character vibes, grand launch, muffins.

Do give feedback as it has been a log ass time .

#moon child #witch community #baby witch #astrology #pick a card #pick a pile #athena swords #tarot deck #tarot #tarot readings #athena #athena-swords #diviniation #occult #daily life #frienship #friends

[husbandhoshi]

OK I finally have a moment and some braincells

My favourite fic of yours is a complicated answer. The one that jumps out initially is (omg I literally just looked at the title but it has slipped free from my grasp hcthjggf) the hoshi fantasy au. it's sooooo sweet and magical and evocative. the emotions in it are so nuanced and i would looooove to read more soft fantasy from you but alas, they are not the most popular on tumblr at large lol I am due for a reread of it soon as well

the second thought was easy to love cause obviously. it was so beautiful it made me cry a lil bit. :')) that's some GOOD writing, caratblr did not deserve that absolute gem. it's just....ah. well, you know

as far as my favourite thing about your writing...I could say a lot of things. The effort, the care for the craft of writing itself, the general softness I get from it, the skill, but I think maybe it's the ease of it all. The flow. Writing is hard, good writing is really hard and takes time and energy to make read as smoothly as you make it read. I can flow through a fic so easily with your writing and the dynamics between characters always read as so natural and easy and lived in.

My favourite thing about your writing is that it is good and as a lover of good writing...that is Big. (On here especially but really just in general)

(OK i tried to ve coherent I didn't get much sleep lol)

MADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry this is late i had a busy day but i wanted the time to tuck into this...bc i love ur opinions <3

my favorite fic of yours

HAH iA i knewwww you would say this was your favorite but i don't blame you!! it's my favorite fantasy concept and i'm so glad you liked it so much :') i would love to write more fantasy but i think the worldbuilding and everything just takes me out, especially bc i don't consume a lot of fantasy media </3 and easy to love i think is my favorite smut kjskldfksj i just love the dialogue and the dynamic!!

honestly not to plug my own stuff but i think the gyu fic i just wrote has a similar vibe to the fantasy!hoshi one except it's slightly more introspective and very much Real Life. but mingyu is a farmer and the prose is pretty :)

8. what i like the most about your writing

GAH... the writing feeling lived in is my favorite compliment. AND THE FLOW.... i feel so seen!!! it's one of the things i really make sure i nail so i'm really glad you notice it :') i think it's kind of an underrated quality for writing to have tbh and i'm always trying to get better. but this means so much coming from you bc i think your writing has all that in spades!!

send me a writers ask 🫶

#i think ur my ACTUAL day 1... and that will never not be important to me!!!!! #still greatly anticipating ur fantasy series #ask #mutuals #mads