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moonlights-shadow-warrior · 4 years

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Hi, I’ve been following you for a hot minute and wanted to ask about how you define your asexuality and gray-romanticness. I am a poly/pan trans-guy trying to wrap my head around it and from your posts you always seem super nice and down to earth. Sorry if this is a weird question ^~^’

Ngl your ask did catch me off guard, although that was mostly due to the fact that a) I never get asks, and b) I rarely post my own stuff or comment on others’ posts so the fact that you said I seem nice and down to earth ‘cause of my posts threw me for a bit of a loop. Sweet though, and I’m glad I come off that way even though my blog is really just a mishmash of things I like and that catch me eye

Now as for your question

TL:DR Defining my asexuality means I don’t feel sexual attraction towards others (never have in my almost 23 years of life) and it honestly kinda confuses me simply because it’s something I’ve never experienced before and when others talk about it I just don’t get it

As for my greyromanticism, it’s more a transitional term as over the years I went from having loads and loads of crushes (I think) as a kid to now where I haven’t had a crush for multiple years as I move closer and closer to being aro ‘cause of some trauma that happened in my life. Same trauma is part of why gender does make a difference in my attraction now

Gonna start this off with some backstory saying I used to identify as bisexual, then pansexual, ‘cause I’d never heard of asexuality before and gender didn’t really play a part in my like for someone. And from the terms I knew, those seemed like the obvious choice at the time. But I also didn’t really,,, get it when some of my friends talked about how hot a person was or their list of actors they wanted to bone (and just celebrity crushes in general now that I think about it, although that could’ve very easily been due to the fact I can’t for the life of me remember who’s who in the realm of Hollywood). I’d just sorta nod along and listen ‘cause hey, people are different and just ‘cause we’re both pan doesn’t mean our experiences are exactly the same

Now at this time I was reading a lot—and I mean a lot—of fanfics ‘cause of escapism and all that jazz. And in one fic I came across there was a character—my favorite character—that was ace. When it got mentioned I didn’t think much of it ‘cause it was just ‘oh cool new term I haven’t heard before’. But then it was explained not only what asexuality was, but also what sexual and romantic attraction were—with examples for each of them—and how they didn’t always line up for some people. And it just

Clicked

I did a bit more research on it, reading things that other aces had posted talking about being ace, and it felt like it just fit me

It’s probably been close to 7 years since I last read that fic, but it was explained something like this

Have you ever looked at someone and wanted to fool around with them, maybe take a tumble in the sheets, but would never want to date them? That’s sexual attraction

And have you ever looked at someone and had your heart flutter and just wanted to go on dates and maybe kiss them but you wouldn’t describe them as sexy and the thought of having sex with them either didn’t cross your mind or made your stomach turn? Romantic attraction

And feeling the latter without the former? Well you might just be ace

Of course this isn’t a universal thing for those under the ace umbrella, but it worked for me and helped me realize something about myself

I don’t feel sexual attraction, which was why all those times my friends talked about how sexy someone was or who was on their f list, it felt like a foreign concept to me and the most I could say to relate was “well they are cute”

As for my greyromanticism, that one’s not as clear cut. Also cw for bad parenting and divorce/bad breakups basically idk

Like I said above, I used to get a lot of crushes as a kid. Looking back, were they all actually crushes or just me thinking a person looked cute? Who knows, but I’m pretty sure there were some

Walking in late only to see the new kid sitting there and immediately my heart rate picked up and I had trouble looking directly at them without blushing? Then picking up an instrument that they played just to try and be seated next to them in band class even though I had no idea what I was doing and had barely talked to them before?

Crush

Get partnered with someone for one assignment and then always trying to sneak glances at them out of the corner of my eye and it just so happens that they ended up in a lot of my photos of my middle school DC field trip?

Crush

Playing spin the faygo just for the chance to make out with one person ‘cause they’re hella cute and within an hour of knowing each other we immediately linked hands and threaded our fingers together while walking around?

Crush

Just as a few examples. Also I was shy and didn’t know how to socialize, which didn’t help at all in the creepiness factor

Now could some of my crushes have actually been just me becoming attached to someone who was nice to me one (1) time? Maybe, who knows, not me

Like I said above, me identifying as greyro is more transitional as I move closer and closer to identifying as aromantic ‘cause of trauma. Was I actually always arospec but just hadn’t heard of the terms like with asexuality? I don’t know because only after everything did I come across the term and my memory is so poor that I can’t properly recall the feelings I experienced. Even the above may not be accurate because my memory’s so spotty and my mind likes to insert things that never actually happened or are wildly different from what everyone else remembers

Which sucks but I digress

So that trauma I keep mentioning. As a child that had to deal with a rough divorce, it can bring on a whole slew of issues, some of which relate to relationships. I called my parents’ divorce almost a decade before it actually happened, and watching it go downhill to the point they could barely stand to be in the same room was rough. Not only that, but I had to give relationship advice to my father, from saying that he should go through with the divorce to giving my opinion on who he should date and if he should break it off or power through a rough spot or not come home for the night. Needless to say, all that warped my perception just a bit

And while that was happening, I had to deal with my own rocky high school relationships

While I haven’t dated a lot of people, a lot of the breakups were bad. Maybe not bad right away and we’d continue on being friends afterwards, but down the line something would happen where they’d either drop all contact or blow up at me without me knowing why or realizing something was off in the first place. And paired with the after effects of the divorce, it was a bad combination

But the golden lining was a breakup so terrible that it caused my datemate to hallucinate and go into such a depressive state that I’m pretty sure the after effects still influence how they act today when it comes to relationships. The four of us talked about moving in together, having a double wedding and all that. But then one left out of the blue and the other became harder and harder to contact until there was no response. And that all happened less than a month after I finally ran away from all the bs of the divorce and my father asking for relationship advice and being dropped so suddenly after what I thought was a good breakup

And after that I can only pinpoint 2 maybe crushes around the same time less than a year later

So yeah, traumatic

But I didn’t identify as greyro yet, because I hadn’t heard of the term

But even then I told my datemate that if we broke up I will never be in another romantic relationship after them because of everything. Because I didn’t really believe in love anymore

But I didn’t identify as greyro yet, even when I had heard of the term

I thought, nah, that’s not me, because I still thought I had crushes, as few and far between as they were. Because I didn’t know there were other kinds of attraction

And then my datemate asked if I had a crush on this one person, and I said no, and I realized that was the truth. I hadn’t had a crush on them. I wanted to hold their hand and cuddle and maybe give light pecks, protect them as best I could, but it wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t the same feelings as what I remember feeling in my childhood, what I feel towards my datemate

I had a squish, and once I realized that things started making a bit of sense. There were people I wanted to hold their hand, laze around in a cuddle pile to be close to them, maybe give them quick innocent pecks because I’m touch starved and want affection. But never were the feelings romantic

If that trauma had never happened, would I still say I’m panromantic instead of bi greyromantic? Who knows, not me

But what I do know is that if something were to happen and my datemate and I were to split, that the single romantic attraction I have felt in years was severed, I’d full on say I’m aro because they are my exception

My greyromanticism is transitional. It’s not “I feel romantic attraction sparingly” or “have a hard time distinguishing platonic from romantic” or the other common definitions I’ve seen around, but rather “I used to feel romantic attraction all the time, but now only feel it towards one person and if that were to go away, I wouldn’t feel it at all”

Sometimes I doubt myself, thinking maybe I’m experiencing crushes and just don’t realize it or am in denial. But then I think about it again and tell my doubt to shut up because that’s wrong and I know it

And wow that was a lot and I’m pretty sure I spent ~4 hours writing this without realizing it. I hope this answered your question though!! Word vomiting like this helped me realize a few things myself

Also wow I need therapy more than I thought

#mail time #anonymous #ace #asexual #aro #aromantic #greyro #arospec #aspec #Anonymous

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freewheelshippin · 4 years

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30 utapri questions!

Thanks @dekiaibadchoices for the tag, this was an awesome way to wind down after a ton of nonstop busy busy busy!!! (and thanks for tagging this blog vs the general utapri one so i can REALLY gush LOL) Here’s the OG meme!

1. Your best boy?

BANANAMAN RAN WHO ELSE

2. Your least favorite boy?

“least favorite” implies dislike which...not true! truthfully it’s much of HEAVENS by nature of ‘I haven’t spent as much time getting to know these characters so I don’t really know who they are.’ (though I already know I love to go for drinks and snacks with Van hehe) i do like all of HEAVENS quite a bit from what i’ve seen so far but that affection has not had time to ripen!

3. A character that you never thought you would love as much as you do now?

mnmnj ranran tbh

4. A character you can relate to in any way?

I can’t answer everything with Ranmaru but like. His ambition, straightforwardness, and how the soul and spirit of music motivate him to move forward beyond a tough past are things I same hat so much ;; But HONESTLY I also relate a lot to Masa and Tokiya, especially in their moments of self-doubt and dramatic commitment to to their art?

5. A character that you think deserves more love?

Oh, Cecil, without a doubt. He’s such a resilient, committed, and open-hearted cutie and gets really shafted by canon tbh. Which makes it harder for everyone to see what a great boy this sweetie is! But I appreciate how Shining Live has given him some room to have really cute and standout moments so everyone can love him more but okay like, give me more Ceci and Ran palling around I love him most when they’re up to shenanigans

6. A character you would want as your partner?

well we’re posting this fuckin here so you all fuckin know (im very embarrass rn i can barely say it lmao)

(for the record i would also very much like to be friends with reiji and syo, they are cool people i think i’d get along with! and i know myself, if i knew otoya or masato IRL i’d just be like ‘well. that’s my son now’ and basically appoint myself their tough big sis-type-friend lookin out for them lol)

7. A character you would want as your mentor/senpai?

I would swallow a pinecone before I called him ‘onii-san’ but teach me how to network kotobuki-senpai

(No, like, forreal, I suck so, so bad at a ton of stuff Reiji is aces at, and I respect the hell out of his *waves* general everything and skilll navigating the industry. Since I’m a goofy, jokey, overenthusiastic teacher for work a lot it’d be nice to be on the receiving end of all that energy! and be a fucking decent kouhai that isn’t so horribly unappreciative of all his hard work and good cheer )

8. Your favorite ship?

shut your whore mouth i dont have the marbles to write it out

(tbh it’s also Haru/Tomo, I just feel so much more romantic chemistry between those two than Haru and any of the boys u___u Friends’ selfship stuff goes without saying, haha, and ngl I’m kind of About a Ren/Van rivalry hatemance? can i call it a kismesis thing? it’s a kismesis thing.)

(actually no I think I’m just a member of the “Ren Fucks and sometimes it’s Hatesex” club)

9. A character that you want to cosplay/have already cosplayed?

I had plans to cosplay Ranmaru a couple months ago bc it’s really not much of a stretch for my wardrobe, haha, but I dunno about that anymore! Part of it was wanting the Euphoria of looking like a tough, twunky, princely anime character but tbqh I’m already that every day of my life so

I suppose if you were to pull my leg I’d go for cosplaying Van, mostly because I wanna try that mullet on for myself.

10. Favorite side character?

TOMO!! LOVE U BITCH WHEN WILL I HEAR U SINGGGGGG

11. Your favorite solo song?

god this is horrible how can I decide??? so many good ones??? I think it’s a draw between Top Star Revolution, No. 1, Brand New Melody, Wild Soul, Seien Brave Heart, and Junketsu Nara Ai ~Aspiration~ ???

12. Your favorite duet song?

HMMMMM again too many good ones. Three-way tie between Haru Hana, NorthWind and SunShine, and Original Resonance!

13. Your favorite trio song?

Ahhh Dream More than Love is really nostalgic bc it’s the first Utapri song I really loved, but i gotta be real. It’s just Egoistic. There’s just no getting better than Egoistic

14. Your favorite group song?

mmmm i’m be basic. Poison Kiss

15. Your least favorite song?

I love Ai and Shouta Aoi’s incredible voice but......I’m really not a fan of super slow, overly-saccharine songs. u__u so A.I. really, really doesn’t land with me, much less so than easygoing (like Knocking on the Mind) or somber (like Winter Blossom) songs.

16. Your favorite singer?

ranran...it’s always ranran...

(I do also adore Natsuki’s and Camus’s voices! I tend to like deeper, richer vocal qualities, but you just can’t beat Ranmaru’s subtle growls and high-energy rock!!!! <3)

17. Your favorite group/trio/duo?

god what combo of these idiots DONT i love? I could watch Reiji prank and tease Ranmaru all fuckin day, and I also really like it when Ran’s at his most ‘tuff big bro-y’ with, like, Ai, Otoya, and Cecil!!! but honestly I do like how the Ran/Masa/Ren trio isn’t so straightforward and is more or less held together by a thin string of professionalism, there’s something i appreciate about not forcing ppl to just bury the hatchet and be Perfect Friends but you all can still care about each other? (Ranmaru needs to be nicer to them still but...)

i need to suggest one that isn’t ranmaru centric fjdsioafjsa i fuckin love Soccer Buds (otosyo) and I loooooove it when Otoya and Cecil are good to each other!!!

18. Your favorite member of Starish?

they’re all my favorite but if you REALLY had to make me pick.....Masato, probably, haha. I just...if you take yourself too seriously and care so much about everything but still know how to be Nasty how can I not love you???

19. Your favorite member of Quartet Night?

what do you fuckin think, hoss

20. Your favorite member of Heavens?

I mentioned earlier I don’t really know Heavens well, so ofc this is all liable to change! But off the bat I love what a conniving yet wholesome bastard Eiichi is and Van is just the kinda guy I would rib and pal around with IRL!!

21. Your favorite seiyuu/voice actor?

Ahhh that’s tough! I love all these goofbags, and Tattsun really is just so cool and makes music I’m pretty about. But I think I gotta give it to Suwabe, his performances are always so him but still pretty varied, and how can you not adore a man who loves his chihuahuas that much???

(if i’m being 100% honest Tattsun lost points bc he voices my absolute least favorite character in granblue ffjsfjisda)

22. Favorite Drama CD?

HMMMMMMM see as a certified Giant Tool for Everything Mecha and silly and extra, I enjoyed the hell out of Polaris, but it really suffers from a lack of Ranmaru in my humble fuckin opinion lmao. So even though I’m not one for pirate stuff most of the time, I gotta give it to Pirates of the Frontier!! I really loved Ranmaru and Otoya’s dynamic in that one, and Camus was juuuuust the right amount of shitheel, too.

I haven’t heard the whole thing but that thing from Egoistic where Natsuki squeezes Ranmaru to death and Eiichi’s just like ‘WUAHAHAHAHAH’ is also the mcfuckin best.

23. Your favorite shining live card?

CAN’T PICK

HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PICK?????????? LIKE??? I love the fucking dumb, dumb, dumb ostentatiousness of Evil Villains, I LOVE a good heel, and I also worked so so hard to t1 that event and had a lot of fun doing it!! But also, I just love his big smile and all the energy and mixed prints from Fortune and Prosperity, and it was literally the first time I ever got the exact card I was rolling for in a gacha on the last pull I had left!! (He also came home during a time I was really going through some shit, and ngl it rescued me a little bit!) but AHHHH Soulful Bass also came out right around my birthday, I love all the textures in the outfit and it’s generally the most My Aesthetique thing Utapri has ever released!!! And god, I just love it when he’s so confident and in his element like this, it sets me on FIRE to see him light up the stage wurghjgfj ;___; They all make me just want to HUG SO MUCH ARGGHHHHH

24. Your favorite song beatmap?

Ahhh I think Shining Live really has great beatmaps across the board so that’s a tough pick! Almost all of them are super fun in their own way, but I think I gotta hand it to Wild Soul, Top Star Revolution, and Innocent Wind!

25. Your least favorite song beatmap?

A.I. u__u Sorry, Ai...it’s just not fun for me.

26. Black Deja Vu or White Gravity?

Actually I’m really glad for this question bc I’ve been so busy lately I hadn’t given myself the time to really check them out! checking .........

and yep. Black Deja Vu. (I mean...Ranmaru is on it, haha.) But I’m so about this. Love this heavier sound and all these harmonies, this is so juicy. (White Gravity also absolutely kicks ass though!! I’m really liking that voice group, it’s making especially good use of those higher registers!)

27. Utapri merch that you own/want?

Honestly I don’t have much u__u Not a lot of Utapri merch is my thing...you know? I’m mostly shopping for Ran merch if I’m getting any, but I’m very picky about how he gets drawn? Keeping his toughness and a particular clothing style about him is so essential, haha, and barely anything hits that sweet spot for me. But I will say I adored the whole ‘My Favorite Things’ series, and if I had the budget and space atm I’d love to get some of the Ran goodies from that line!

28. How did you get into Utapri?

I first heard about it through some acquaintances from cosplay before Quartet Night was a thing. It didn’t appeal enough to my heavy metal ass to make me drop everything and try it, but I did have an interest in it I couldn’t explain and I’d always intended on trying it out. (especially after I got into Love Live and idol anime for a bit.) But it was Shining Live that got me! And I really only downloaded Shining Live because I was super exhausted after a business trip, didn’t want to leave bed once I got back home, and just wanted to sink my teeth in something new I could enjoy for hours while lying down, haha.

29. A set theme in shining live that you want to see in the future?

This will surprise nobody, but something tougher. More rock, more punk, more metal. I want all of them in studs and spikes and leather, and I want less polish. More rough!

I’d also love a wrestler set complete with who’s-a-heel-who’s-a-face but that’s a pipe dream and a half, lmao.

30. Why do you love your best boy?

Oh boy.

I think he’s this powerhouse of a human bean who can face a ton of pain and meet it with a big middle finger. And that middle finger is chasing after ambitious dreams, of spreading the power and soul of the same music that made me who I am and influences so much of my work, but also being ... you know, smart about it? He’s an idol because like, sure, maybe it’s not the OG dream, but you can’t dream if you’re dead, and you also deserve to give yourself a life and platform to share some of who you are, and you can do a lot of good with that, too. (And I won’t lie, I respect the drama of a man who takes his hair that seriously and commits so hard to the aesthetic he wears fuckin mismatched contacts i just. charm point )

But at the same time....I don’t know, this might sound presumptuous, but. I think. I just think he’d think I’m as neat as I think he is. I’m an ambitious, passionate person, too, and I also furiously stick to my ideals, and I also love the same kind of soul of music he does. I lean a little more metal than I do rock, but I think that’s nice, like sharing it has that ‘alike but different’ kind of familiarity and novelty all at once. Sometimes it’s tough sharing just how deeply rock and metal have sculpted me and my artwork (and therefore my career), bc it’s so deeply personal to me, and sometimes there’s weird elitism/misogyny/racism to deal with, too. But. The way he talks about rock, the way he describes the passion and how it transcends identity and is just a pure rush of power and sharing your feelings..................it just feels like he Gets it the same way I do. Just that unspoken, burning passion and understanding. I know it sounds weird to feel that strongly over just a music genre, but I just vibe with how to him, it really isn’t ‘just’ a music genre. I feel more accepting of myself for it, and I’d like to think he’d be real proud of himself for that.

And listen, like....I’m very sentimental, but I really don’t like saccharine, flowery, romantic kinds of affection to be lavished on me. Just be straightforward but also a little tsun about it fjdsjfas and ..... those are the kind of feelings I can accept. And that’s the way Ranmaru is, and it’s also grounded in the kind of reality that I don’t like to be swept away from. He’s just so cool and hardworking and unwavering in his passion, it makes it easier for me to do the same despite all the bumps in the road. This got real long but Ran’s a cool dude, haha, I got a lot of positives to say.

Anyways, I never tag folks for these things, but I love seeing everyone’s answers! If you see this and wanna fill it, feel free to count this as a tag from me :) I know this got real long, but with 30 questions how could it not haha? Thanks for reading and sticking around!

#iron maiden & rocka rolla #memery #long post

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unravelling-the-world · 3 years

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I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

#hinatalks #long post

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magg0t-bible · 6 years

Text

Top 20 Favourite Alt-J Songs

The title is pretty self explanatory so I’m just gonna jump right in

(Also I’ll be briefly explaining what I like about each one, so another long post. Feel free to skip through if you just want to know the songs)

20. Left Hand Free

Generally a really nice bop. It is arguably their most poppy song, and quite different from most of their other music, but it’s still recognisably them, which is what I love. Honestly all I have to hear is the guitar intro and I’m already dancing like an idiot

ALSO there’s a really cute interview/live performance that the band did on KEXP (I’ll insert the link at the end if I can be bothered) where they’re playing this song and in the bit where it goes back to “ain’t shady baby I’m hot”, Gus starts clapping to the beat and makes Joe laugh so much that he can’t even sing it properly and it’s v cute

(Also the little “speakeasy” about halfway through is sexy ngl)

19. Interlude 3 ❦

Strange choice I know, but hear me out. I love the simplicity of this interlude, because it’s literally just 58 seconds of piano and quiet vocalising over the top, but it WORKS SO WELL. Plus it’s placed between a heavier song and a more gentle song on the album, so it’s an interesting way of transitioning.

18. Taro

I have such good memories of the first time I heard Taro. I associate it with getting up early in the morning and going for a walk, as cheesy as that sounds - it just generally fills me with so much happiness. I think it’s very well composed, and that INSTRUMENTAL!! I love it!!!

Not to mention the lyrics about the two war photographers (Robert Capa and Gerda Taro) are very interesting. In general I just really love the different topics that Alt-J write about in their songs.

17. Arrival In Nara

This is such a beautiful, peaceful and gentle song. The piano in the first half sets the song up so nicely, and it’s complemented well with the really light vocals. Especially when Joe and Gus harmonise for the “though I cannot see I can hear her smile as she sings”....I’m dead

16. Intro (This Is All Yours version)

Even though this song does take some time to build up, I’d definitely say it’s worth the wait. The layers are built up so gradually and effectively, and by the time the drums come in, it’s just....it’s just amazing. Wow.

15. Ms

I actually used to skip this song when I first listened to An Awesome Wave, not because I didn’t like it, just because it didn’t really stand out to me that much. WELL.

You know that meme that’s been recreated a million times that says “when you listen to that one song on the album you always skip and it’s actually fire”? Yeah, that’s Ms. The lyrics are beautiful, the a cappella on “the dark seeks dark” works so nicely, and the instrumental after “the nights of all my youth pressed into one glass of water/the shadow burns across like embers tide paper” is so incredibly relaxing.

14. 3WW

I remember one day early in 2017, I said to myself, “it’d be really nice to see Alt-J live, but they haven’t made any music in like, three years. Oh well.”

THE. LITERAL. NEXT. DAY. My friend texted me saying that they’d released a teaser for a new song. So after running round my house hyperventilating and whisper-screaming (don’t worry, I was home alone), I went onto YouTube and listened to the 30-second teaser of 3WW.

AND MY MIND WAS BLOWN. Even more so when I listened to the full song. Gus’ vocals in the beginning are AMAZING - so glad he finally got a solo. Ellie Rowsell’s vocals halfway through are so perfectly placed, and she was definitely the right woman for the job. The instrumentation is absolutely beautiful. Overall the song is just a masterpiece.

13. Hunger Of The Pine

The first song I ever heard from This Is All Yours. I love the way it begins, with Joe singing without any accompaniment apart from that repeating note. It’s another song that builds up nicely, especially by the time the drums come in, and that Miley Cyrus sample?! I had no idea it was her, it just blends in so well.

This is definitely the sort of song you should listen to with headphones on, preferably also with your eyes closed. It’s such an experience and it really takes me places.

(Also shoutout to Gus and his awesome French skills towards the end)

12. The Gospel Of John Hurt

This song is quite similar to HOTP, in the way that it focuses on layers and starts in a very simplistic way before building up. I really like the drums in the second verse and chorus, and the tempo change right after that. I also thought it was cool that the first time Joe sings “Jeremiah” it’s kind of gentle and airy, but then the second time it’s more like “JeremiAHHHHHH” idk it’s cool

And every chorus after the tempo change just makes me feel like my soul has been awoken because W O W

11. Dissolve Me

The first few months of 2017 were a bit difficult for me, and An Awesome Wave as a whole really helped me through them. However, Dissolve Me stood out because of the line “she makes the sound, the sound the sea makes, to calm me down”. My difficulties were to do with my anxiety, and listening to this song helped me to relax like you wouldn’t believe. So it holds a special place in my heart for that reason.

My favourite part has to be the ending when Joe and Gus are harmonising with the “ohhh” and then the chords from the intro come back, and they take it in turns to sing “she makes the sound the sea makes, knee deep in the north”. Absolutely spectacular, even more so live.

10. Something Good

This song definitely lives up to its title. As far is I’m concerned, if you tell me that you can listen to the drums in the intro and not want to dance, you’re a liar. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

The vocals in the verses are honestly so groovy, and the choruses are somewhat gentle, but they still make me want to get up and dance. The drums throughout the whole song also give it a really nice vibe.

9. Interlude 1/The Ripe & Ruin ❦

I have a surprisingly strong connection with this song, and I’ll explain why. The lyrics are generally about finding balance in your life, but they more specifically describe a woman who constantly counts her steps while walking and makes sure to “abide by the law that she herself has set”. One of my idiosyncrasies has always been pretty much exactly this, and I’ve always thought I was weird for doing it, so this interlude makes me feel lot less alone. Plus the lack of music makes it feel much more intimate.

8. In Cold Blood

AN ACTUAL BANGER. That’s pretty much all I need to say.

The way it instantly begins. The fact that the numbers in the beginning are backwards binary code for ∆, meaning it’s the world’s most cryptic name drop. The line “all above crowd around so fucking loud”. The brass in the chorus. The way the music at the end of the chorus just instantly stops, Joe sings “in cold blood”, and then the music comes right back. I LOVE IT ALL.

7. Tessellate

Tessellate was the song that led me to discover Alt-J, thanks to my extreme obsession with the Ellie Goulding cover that spent a long time being my favourite song ever. I will admit that my younger, unappreciative self wasn’t huge fan of the original song initially, partially because I saw some of the dodgy looking people in the music video lip syncing to the song and naturally thought they were the band. But over time, I decided to give Alt-J another go, and it was probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. And I obviously LOVE Tessellate now.

6. Adeline

I’m pretty sad I didn’t get to see this song live, but listening to it at home with headphones is a magical enough experience. It has such powerful lyrics, the way everything gradually builds up is just so beautiful (yes I say that a lot, but they do it a lot okay), it’s just incredible. Especially that end bit where Gus is singing “ohhhhh my Adeline” and you hear the “YAAA YAAA YAAA” over the top. MIND=BLOWN.

5. Matilda

I can honestly say that it was love at first listen with Matilda. Given that I’d been introduced to Alt-J with Breezeblocks and Tessellate, it was nice to listen to something that was a little more light and gentle (in my opinion). I love the way the song references the film Léon, and the drum beat right at the start of the first verse is so peaceful and nice to listen to.

4. Fitzpleasure

When I first got into Alt-J and I’d only heard An Awesome Wave, Fitzpleasure was actually my number 1 favourite song of theirs. I obviously still love it, given that it’s now number 4. The bass line (and guitar in general) is so COOL!! It’s such a groovy sounding song and I love the way it switches between Joe singing a cappella and heavy bass. 10/10.

(P.S. yes I know what the song is about, and no, we are not discussing that today.)

3. Pleader

My favourite Relaxer song, the music video for which has made me cry on multiple occasions. The introductory violins, the way everything is layered, the vocals, the lyrics, basically this song just makes me feel every single emotion at once and it gives me goosebumps and it’s AMAZING. What a killer song to end an album with.

2. Bloodflood

This may come as a surprise, but I actually took ages to listen to this song. I didn’t actually listen to An Awesome Wave from start to finish, I kinda just put it on my laptop and listened to each song gradually, which I now realise was not the best idea. But HOLY MOLY. BLOODFLOOD.

I don’t think I need to say much about this song, because every Alt-J fan knows why it’s amazing. However, it is only number 2, because in terms of personal connections and meaning, there is only one song that can top it.

And that song is......

*drumroll*

1. Nara

WOW. Where to even start. The first time I listened to This Is All Yours (actually from start to finish this time), Nara just stuck out to me for some reason. I have always been a huge supporter of the LGBT+ community, and hearing a song about a gay relationship is just really nice for me. It’s incredibly powerful due to its description of how difficult it is to be gay in a situation where that isn’t truly accepted.

As well as that, the repetition of “hallelujah, Bovay, Alabama” at the end always hits me right in the feels. It’s such a simple motif, yet it works so well as an outro, especially if you understand why they chose those specific words.

So there you go, my top 20 favourite Alt-J songs. Congratulations if you made it this far.

Honourable Mentions

(aka songs that could’ve been on the list but I only thought of them after I’d finished writing the list and I couldn’t be bothered changing it so here they are)

Breezeblocks

Bloodflood pt. II

Deadcrush

Every Other Freckle

Intro (An Awesome Wave version)

Last Year

Portrait

353

Ok I promise I’m done now

[Here’s the interview if you’re interested, Left Hand Free is at 7:14]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrqIws8Q7H4&t=441s

#alt-j #alt j #top 20 songs #basically just ranting about a band that has my WHOLE MF HEART #garden of eden

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sparrowsfallingfromthesky · 6 years

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do all of them

gosh okay, sorry for the long post, blame Kate

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? it was my mom so I hope so2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Probably not3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? probably watching Rise lol4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? sure

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? I’m not dating anyone so I doubt it6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? yeah I listened to Touch Me so I was thinking about the characters from Spring Awakening and Rise7. What exactly are you wearing right now? pajamas8. How often do you listen to music? a lot9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? jeans10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2015? it’s 201811. Are you a social or an antisocial person? antisocial12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? no13. What about ‘R’? definitely no14. Can you drive a stick shift? no15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? I mean yeah16. Are you going out of town soon? I mean in the sense that I’m going home from school in a couple weeks and that’s a different city but no17. When was the last time you cried? a couple of days ago I watched a video of baby penguins18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? I don’t think so19. If you could change your eye color, would you? probably not20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? no21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. I had work and I’ve spent like 10 hours watching a video of Alec Baldwin and Julianne Moore and it’s an interesting video but ohh my god22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? I have not one opinion about this?23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? no lol I am not dating Kate24. What are you sitting on right now? my bed25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? no26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? idk27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? Kate28. Do you get a lot of colds? no29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? goodwill30. Does anyone hate you? I have no idea31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? no32. Do you like watching scary movies? no33. Do you want your tongue pierced? no34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? I don’t know35. Did you have a dream last night? not that I remember36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? good question37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? god I hope not38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I legitimately have no idea39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? probably in a sort of background sense like Kate is aware I’m in the room which is sort of thinking?40. Did you have a good day yesterday? it was fine41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? no42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? girls are the only people I hang out with43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? I don’t think so44. What’s the best part about school? this one professor45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? yes..46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? sometimes Kate writes things in my notebook without asking and I’m like why47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? alll the time48. Were you single over the last summer? yes49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? I mean more or less50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? not this51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? that was probably my dad so no52. Are you nice to everyone? not really53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? definitely54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? I know I can55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? yes56. Do you think you like someone? not at the moment57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? no and what is with these questions58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? girls59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? I think so?60. Do you hate anyone? yeah61. How’s your heart? what does this mean62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? I don’t think so63. Have you ever cried over a guy? I can’t remember64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? no one?65. Are your toenails painted pink? no66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? I... hope not?67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? what68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? no69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? my mom70. How do you look right now? about the same as usual71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? probably Teresa72. Can you commit to one person? I guess73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? that’s very binarist but also no I don’t think so74. Have you ever felt replaced? kind of75. Did you wake up cranky? sort of but not really76. Are you a jealous person? sometimes sort of but not really77. Are relationships ever worth it? sure78. Anyone you’re giving up on? idk79. Currently wanting to see anyone? no80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? go to my last Jane Austen class81. Last person you cried in front of? I’m not really sure82. Is there someone you will never forget? yes83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? I literally already said I don’t think I really have feelings for anyone right now84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? leave me alone85. Are you over your past? parts of it86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? I guess87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? no88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? who are we talking about and why are they apologizing lol89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? I’ve never kissed anyone so I would be interested to see who would show up90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? no.. oh wait maybe sort of91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? I doubt it92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? yes, Kate’s penguin, Detective Michael Cordero Jr Jr93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? no!94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? no95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? I didn’t!96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? it was Kate so sure97. Who do you have texts from? plenty of people98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? ok99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? no100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? no one101. Ever kissed under fireworks? no102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? not to sound too much like Combeferre but if someone handed me a live butterfly ngl I would find that really cool

#long post #I didn't read these before reblogging some of them were stupid #ask memes #Anonymous

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