#and im just feeling like ive kinda been in denial

[spatialapprentice]

been thinking alot about my gender lately

#feel like im going through the inverse of that situation where gnc men initially think theyre trans for liking feminine stuff #where like idk so long in my life i had this idea thats been ingrained in me that even though i dont act like a man i AM a man #and im just feeling like ive kinda been in denial #i mean sure like i can be a man who likes feminine things...but i also can be a woman if i want #i think its a bit been the results of some internalized transphobia #ive been wanting a meaningful relationship for so long but ive been worried about the peolle who wouldn't want to date me if i was trans #but i suppose those arent people i want to get with anyways #im still paranoid about the consequences of it too outside of that #people would see me different and for some family and whatnot it would be for the worst #theres so many risks #i dont wanna transition but i wanna change the way i present and thats a little scary

[blooscreen]

days of the week

autism sunday

autism monday

autism tuesday

autism wednesday

autism thursday

autism friday

autism saturday

REPEAT.

#and.. post!!!!!! #btw im autistic i forgot to announce bc i was in denial for an embarrasiing amount of time <3<3 hehe #/// the tags past this point are stupid & sleepy tired read at own digression /// #sorry.. my sleep is fucked and i just had caffiene for the first time in about a week haha #also feeling very crazed and wild yknow? #oh my god i feel so good ive been DEPRESSED i i LOVE funny energy drink HEHE!!!!! #want monster so bad i wa nt . FIVE. #i wana punch though a wall. PLEASE.... #mentally slamming my head into a cinder block #sorry for the tags <3<3 TEEHEE. TEEHEE. TEEHEE. TEEHEE. *grins...* TEEHEE!!!!! :( TEEHEE!!!! :):):):):) #these tags are actuall y fucked. kinda like my brain rn #AND .. POAST!!!!!! <3 😁 #silly^_^posting

[undeadbutch]

just finished harrow, am left bewildered and eager to learn more in nona when i get my hands on a copy

#i kinda picked out right away from the very first few chapters that this story would revolve around grief and denial #like as soon as we get the recapping/mental retconning of the events of canaan house #im like oh harrows brain is overrighting stuff cos she doesnt wana deal eith the fact that gideon died #im glad those parts became more than just invented flashbacks cos if not for that id have found those parts kinda boring #all of the bits on erebos and the mithraeum had me absolutely enthralled from beginning to end #so what felt like a slog on my first reading was well worth getting to those parts #and learning later that those flashbacks had more significance than just being that #so most of this book was me asking myself when is harrow gona finally allow herself to feel for gideon the things shes blocked herself from #and while i feel like there could have been a deeper exploration of it when that finally came #i do like how things played out after like the fight witht he sleeper and the reveal of who they and who possessed cythereas body are #i didnt have much of an opinion on abigail pent when i finished gideon #but after harrow i am definitely glad we got to see more of her #i quite enjoyed the portrayal of harrows compartmentalization of herself #ive had my fair share of that and denial of grief myself so i very much enjoyed how it was expressed here

[orcelito]

man emotional vulnerability's so fucked lol like ive told a few ppl at work that my cat died & theyve all been like "oh my god that's so awful, im so sorry" etc etc & like Yea it's nice to have the condolences, but a part of me feels like im faking it for attention. then im like. uh. dude. ur cat really did die. ur not lying about this one bit.

tbh i sorta feel like if i wasnt there for the euthanasia & seeing him dead, i wouldnt believe it was really true. Even Then i keep having to remind myself.

shit's weird.

#speculation nation #animal death ment/ #i know i said id try to stop posting about it. sorry. #it's just rly weird. i think im in the uh. whats it. denial phase? #less that i dont believe it happened and more. well #Factually i know it happened. Logically i know. i have the memories. i have the pictures. i have the Ashes. #but in my heart it doesnt feel like he's dead ykno? feels like i should look over and hear his obnoxious Mraaa as he wanders up to me #feels like i should be able to go out to my living room and greet him on the chairs out there. or see him in the windowsill #it's probably bc of how sudden it was. even holding my own mini funeral for him today wasnt enough to really drive it home. #not to mention how ive been compartmentalizing like Crazy to still be functional with work and such #like me picking up the bag today. seeing it & nearly breaking into tears right there #b4 i just Slammed that bitch shut. a harsh Don't Think About It. bc like hell im gonna cry in public more than monday night. #biking home wryly thinking about how it's the Second time ive brought a cat home in a bag. kinda morbid ngl. #not allowing myself to truly wallow in it probably has not been healthy for my processing overall. but im just trying 2 keep my sanity #i dont Want to be miserable. i dont Want to be depressed. so when ppl are giving it the rightful sorrow it deserves #im just standing there like. ah. Right. this Is something really awful. and i Am really broken up about it. #and in the end i know im not going to do anything different. because that's how all my negative emotions go. #Don't Think About It and It Won't Hurt Me. lmao no wonder i have problems with crying. #ive got emotional numbing down to an art form. ive been So good at it ever since i was a teenager. #and im gonna keep leaning on it however much i need to. better to be fake happy than true miserable. #pretend youre happy for long enough and it starts to feel real (until it doesnt). i'll take the fake shit over reality any day. #negative/ #i guess.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for inviting my cousin to an LGBT meet up?

Cw: mentions of suicide and transphobia

I (18M) am a trans man and my cousin N (21F) is a lesbian who is very masc presenting. We're the only queer cousins in the family (at least in our generation) so weve always been good friends and shes been one of the biggest supporters of my transition, defended me from bigoted family members and always corrected family when they used my deadname/old pronouns. I lowkey hoped she would come out as a trans man or nonbinary as well. We dress in the same style which makes it so when were hanging out together one of us is gonna get misgendered since people asume both of us are trans men or masc girls. When N is the one being misgendered she doesnt bother fighting it since its more trouble than its worth but looking back i think it really annoyed her.

Earlier this year N was severely struggling with her mental health. I apologize for the wording i may have since i dont know the proper terminology for this stuff or any specific disorder diagnosis she may have (other than autism). She was having some sort of manic or depressive episode. She was dead set on pushing people away and making them hate her so she could take her own life without regrets.

I visited N once to give her my support during a struggling time but i stupidly told her there was nothing she could say that would push me away. She told me not to test her but i kept pushing it and i admit what happened next was my fault. She told me in a very cold voice that she was a terf, though that she didnt want me dead but that "we" (im guessing she meant trans ppl) made it so much harder for her to exist(???????). I didnt let her keep talking just and left her room, said my goodbyes to her family and just cried while driving home.

Im still not sure if she meant it or if it was part of her mental episode and just a way for her to hurt me and push me away. On one hand ig it explains some of her behavior? N sometimes complained when she got asked for her pronouns or being misgendered like I mentioned before. On the other hand, I gen do not believe she has been a terf all along esp with how supportive shes been of me. If she was a terf youd think she would try to subtly talk me out of it, but that has never happened. My friends have nicknamed her schrodinger's terf lol

Anyway, i went no contact with N for a few months for my own wellbeing. During this time i heard that she tried to kill herself a few times, which got her into a mental hospital. She was given higher doses of meds and seems to be doing way better.

We had a family reunion this week and i decided to approach her. N seemed a little hesitant to talk to me but stayed polite. I tried testing her and talked about the effects T has been having on me but she acted like she always had and congratulated me and even complimented me on how deep my voice has gotten. I wasnt satisfied cause i wanted an apology for what she had said to me so i pushed it more. She did end up apologzing but it was a very surface level apology. At this point i didnt want to keep pushing in case it set her off again so i just took her apology (plus i wanted my best cousin back) and spent the rest of the day hanging out with her.

On the way home my mom said she was happy me and N had made up and that i should invite her to the lgbt club meetings Ive been going to this year. It seemed like a good idea to me, she lost a few friends during her episode and she could make more queer friends here. If N is trans and just in denial it could help her get the resources she needs to feel comfortable coning out. If N IS a terf maybe having more positive interactions with trans ppl could change her mind on it. Overall i thought it would be a win for her.

I brought it up to my friends and some of them blew up at me. Their argument was that itd be exposing the other trans ppl in the group to a terf and putting them in danger. I truly hadnt considered this angle so im kinda conflicted now. She had never felt like an unsafe person before and now that her episode is over she feels normal again. Even if she is a terf i dont think she could actually cause harm? I want N to get better but i dont want to put my trans friends at risk.

So tumblr, WIBTA for inviting N to my lgbt meet up?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

[dnpbeats]

Earlier today, you said if they weren't together, they would have said so by now. But they have actually said it multiple times. I know they were in the closet for most of those times, which makes sense, but even now, they still emphasize that point, especially Phil. So, if we were to ''analyse'' their words in the literal sense, they're not together, which I think undermines your argument.

technically speaking I said I think they should say they aren't together and then I followed it up by saying it's not fair of me to say that lol. but I still wanna respond to your ask bc imo I don't think they have emphasized them not being together in recent years

let me preface this by saying that I was gone for a hot minute so I might not be up-to-date on like everything either of them has said about their relationship status since coming out, but im not aware of them emphasizing that they aren't together since coming out. I personally am not going to consider anything either of them said pre-coming out as anything of worth (that sounds mean I don't mean it like that 😭) just because, as you said, it makes sense why they would deny their supposed relationship when they weren't out

since coming out, ive only heard either of them say they won't talk about their person lives and then of course all of dan's avoidant interview answers when it comes to the topic. in BIG after dan said he and phil were in a relationship when they first met he says:

"And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that which, honestly, I take as a compliment. But here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil." so like, to me, in this instance he could've easily made the point that they aren't together anymore, but he didn't. taking what dan says at face value he is not telling us anything about their relationship status, he's not confirming or denying. then in "answering questions I would normally avoid" Phil responds to the question about his current dating life with:

"I don't wanna open the door to my private life to millions of people. Because I think that door is quite a hard one to close. And everyone would have an opinion. And everyone would somehow feel involved in my personal life. And I like to keep that kinda thing offline." which again he could've just said "im not dating anyone." I guess that doesn't apply if he was dating another person that wasn't dan lmao, but even so like. Phil isn't dumb. he knows that the person asking that wants to know if he is dating dan, so he could've just not answered the question or been like "I don't wanna talk about that but I know what you're thinking dan and I aren't together" or smth yk? lol

and then with all of dan's interview answers, he dodged labeling his and phil's relationship every time he was asked about Phil. he could've just been like "yes my friend Phil who im perfectly normal about" but instead he's out here talking about "who the fuck knows what we are" and being tortoises yk 💀😭 like no he is not confirming they are together but again he isn't outright denying it either. (also to clarify ik they do call each other friends but I don't count that as an outright denial bc like, it isn't a lie that they are best friends.) so even when you analyze what they say or take their comments at face value I don't think there's anything (that I've seen) since 2019 that is them emphasizing that they aren't together

#if im missing stuff tho pls let me know!! like I said at the beginning was gone so there could very well be stuff im not aware of #d&p #ask #anon

[brucespringsteen]

under the cut like it's 2013 im shy who give a shit

trans tape been kinda life changing recently. i bought it during a depressive episode n when it arrived i didnt use it for a few days. then one day after post work mental breakdown shower i can't take it anymore im like full of tears putting it on like i am so ridiculous for this im disgusting yk whatever. i fucked it up then tried again and then something just fucking clicked and every negative feeling i had just dumped out of me like throwing water out of a bucket. then i took one of the best naps of my life lol. riding a high like im shocked that ive got one foot out of denial. im between a b and c cup and even tho it doesn't give me a completely flat look i can still run and workout without any discomfort and i feel like it looks so much better and feels more natural than a binder or sports bra. taking it off isn't even that bad. anyway id recommend it to anyone who's been binding or even thinking about it

[itsaspectrumcomic]

this is kind of a vent and a bit of a silly rambled story (ooo story time! but feel free to ignore it if you want it wont bother me)

so i have been researching autism and adhd for roughly a year and a half now and its kinda become a special interest of mine (wild i know lmao) and its actually how i got my adhd diangosis! funnily enough the therapist who diagnosed me for adhd and evaluated me for asd was biased and had no knowledge about adhd or autism... :-] pained smile

(im afab and my sibling is amab and the comparisons between our assesments is insane. they got assesed easily but for me, the therapist was reluctant and judgemental. a great start i know /sarc)

anyway the therapist told me that i couldnt be autistic because even though i scored high, the test my PARENTS filled out for my childhood was very low. i wasnt even asked about my childhood experiences when it came back with a low score. i was just brushed off and told that it was only my adhd and that if i WAS autistic (which im not, according to her) that i would be "high functioning" and that "high functioning" people arent actually autistic. not word for word because i was half listening in shock but the general idea is still there. i have no clue how i even went to this woman tbh.

i have since made a list and included evidence for all the traits ive had since infancy but my parents 100% took the therapists word and are now completely convinced that there is zero chance that i can be on the autism spectrum. fun fact i think theyre both on the spectrum as well and ive talked to my sibling about it too. its wild lol

the thing is i keep going back and forth between denial and acceptance thinking i may be on the spectrum and ive had plenty of friends both professionally and self diagnosed tell me that i am on the spectrum but i cant help but accidentally find ways to invalidate myself and my experiences. i dont know if its worth it to get a professional diagnosis or to just exist as self diagnosed because they both have strong pros and cons. its all very confusing but i can wait 2 years until im a legal adult so i can at least try to get an assesment from a therapist who actually understands autism

i apologize for being so long winded and for any gramatical/spelling errors but i just wanted to thank you for making this blog in general. it feels very validating despite what other people and my negative thoughts try to say about my brain :-] i hope youre doing well !!

'"high functioning" people arent actually autistic'

UGH I hate that so much. I'm not really a fan of the the terms 'high functioning' and 'low functioning' anyway because it doesn't cover how autistic people can be really good at some things and struggle a lot with other things (also known as having a 'spiky profile') and just 'high' or 'low' doesn't properly take that into account, and then there's the whole questionable use of 'functioning' but that's a whole other discussion....

I'm sorry your parents aren't listening. Since autism can be genetic, it's fairly likely they are also on the spectrum and never noticed the traits when you were growing up because it all seemed normal to them.

It's a very personal decision whether or not to try for an official diagnosis, but whatever you decide is valid! The important thing is gaining self-acceptance and learning what works for you. Good luck and I'm so glad you're enjoying this blog :)

#ask #anon ask #long post #its a spectrum #autism diagnosis

[ambi-kiko]

MAG 3 Across The Street:

honnestly i found this one so hard to take seriously the first time i listened to it bc of the "oh yeah i was feeling eepy so i went. not to bed. but to go watch my neighbor. dw tho its not stalking its just a hobby ((:" LIKE WHAT. AM I JUST SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WITH THAT??

and jon being like "yes well i was going to write it off but tim found *insert practically undeniable proof here* so im going to still think that its bullshit." his denial is so funny to me

and now for the spoilers! as always, s2~s3 spoilers, ill put big font like this when theyre done!

OMG THEY INTRODUCED THE NOT!THEM SO EARLY. WHAT. i remember the Buried being introduced early, but not this?? i really should have thought something about sasha... i wonder if ill notice the differences this time :D

ALSO THE TABLE?? i do recall the table being there. but how did some rando obtain it? did he know of the Dread Powers or was he like "ooo pretty" (probably the 2nd option) but either way, how did the institute get it after? SO MANY QUESTIONS (that probably have answers i forgot lmao)

AND FINALLY FOR THE SPOILERS: DID AMY JUST WITNESS SOMEONE BECOME A NOT!THEM?? like actively saw one of the Dread Powers at work. thats wild.

oh right my guess for which Dread Power! i think this is the Stranger, ofc (:

spoilers done!

ive been having more fun relistening than i thought i would. and for my offering of the day!

shitty pictures of me trying to draw jons hair (:

lately for today! should i make a blog just for these? then i can put other random stuff here

might just do it anyway (if i do ill keep my #coren's relisten! tag and ill put the new blog in my bio)

#coren's relisten! #tma #the magnus archives #jonathan sims #magnuspod #jon sims

[boatslut]

ive been thinking abt this bc im considering attending a furry convention thats happening next month to see what its like... but like

i know ppl are always like 'lol if u like furries ur a furry', but i think theres... more nuance to it than that? i dont really consider myself a furry, even though ive drawn them on occasion, have considered trying to make a fursuit head, ect. why i say that is bc like... i kinda feel like 'being a furry' is partially a bit of community focused, rather than little things like that? its also a bit of a sense of identity as well, imo. i know this is truly a thing of opinion, and someones gonna be like 'lol, welllllll... youre just in denial' or whatever; but... idk. i dont really participate in the community outside of my friends who are furries, i dont personally identify as one, so i dont really see myself as being one? i dont see any reason for myself to be against considering myself one, so its not like im going 'im not bc ew' or some bullshit like that. and maybe thatll change and ill end up considering myself more of one in the future

this isnt really going anywhere, more just. introspective ig. whatever. im gonna go draw one of my ocs as a wolf bc i think itd be funny bc everyone compares him to one

[nutlessspeedrun]

Denial Journal: July 30th

so. um. ive been messing around with a bladder dom for a few days, now... they're really fun! last night i got to piss myself like a dog, but since i was wearing a chastity belt, it all just... sprayed against the metal instead of the side of the tub... it was really fun...

anyways! i havent cum in 14 days, so, im kinda. mm. yknow. really horny! its been fun, though. ive been anal-only this weekend, and as it turns out, anal is fun! i love having my soft small dildo in my ass. the last few inches just sink in SO nice.

the way im thinking of myself right now is that, um. my pussy is a lube dispenser. thats all its here for - making lube and making people feel good. and my cock is for pumping out piss and switching on the lube... i can still play with them, but im not gonna cum using either of them.

i really wanna have an orgasm from fucking my ass, but im not sure if i can. ive cum from pussy-fucking maaaybe twice? ever?? so, anal is a Maybe. but, if i can, i wont need to worry about cumming again! i can just fuck my asshole instead of stroking my needy cock. it can focus on dripping and making lube, and making itself an appealing stimtoy ♡♡♡

... god. im so fucking horny. help me. (make it worse)

#dante's journal #denial journal #denial #nsft #long term denial #long term chastity #nsft denial #nsft chastity #full bladder #bladder control #bladder holding #bladder desperation #bladder torture #pee

[blackcurrant-scapegoat]

// hello everyone!!

// in short, im not sure if im gonna be comfortable running this blog anymore!! explanation under cut :} (no ones fault, dw!!)

// so, to start, i am a system, and in the past, weve had a history of very easily splitting/introjecting fictives (having alters form that are based on a fictional character, and may look, act, and identify with/as that character in some form). some of you probably already know where this is going

// when i started this blog again after a failed first attempt, i knew this, but i figured i wouldnt introject kieran because ive roleplayed around 6 years ago without introjecting my rp characters, so why should this be different?

// it started as him showing up and being present, so to speak, and reacting/giving me ideas for reactions to some of the things that were being said or done to him. at this point in time, i thought it was just me getting into character

// however, as time passed, he began showing up when i wasnt rping as him, and eventually, kinda recently, fully fronting (taking control of my body)

// so essentially, behind this blog are someones very real thoughts and actions, not just roleplay. the character i was playing is actually entirely real

// i want to clarify here and now that none of use knew he was here and that we were in denial. i also want to clarify that he has not been hurt or made uncomfortable by anything done by anyone (to my knowledge). in all honesty, i think hed be 100% fine with us continuing the blog.

// however, due to him now being real, it feels less like roleplaying and more like impersonation, and looking back, im not sure how happy i am with how ive portrayed him. in actuality, hes quite different than the version of kieran this blog is meant to act as, but similar enough that its hard to sever the mental connection between the two

// i need to think about this and discuss it with him before i make any rash decisions though

// i also wanna thank everyone who interacted w me on this blog!!! it was really fun to meet ygs and see your versions of various characters!!! ygs are free to follow me on my main and ill follow back if i recognize your blog!! (dont be scared to lmk its you if i didnt recognize though!!)

// another small note, though unrelated to this blog, the same thing happened with my nepeta pkmn irl faller blog (@ arsenic-and-catnip ) but from what ive seen our nepeta is having a lot of fun pretending to be in the pokemon universe, and shes characterized pretty similar to how the real deal is, so that onell stay up for now, but if we change our minds well make a post over there!!

// i hope you all can understand. thanks for everything!!

#ooc

[gendrie]

arya vi

the first 2 paragraphs establish that arya is afraid like never before. she is trapped inside a building watching people be tortured and killed for 8 straight days. 

"there was no place to hide, no tricks to play, no way to be safe" a recurring sentiment in this one like theres just nothing to do! you cant be clever or brave or optimistic. its just pure terror. thats the true war experience. 

grrm is weirdly vague about the torture itself? like he never describes what the tickler is doing? i wonder if he had been more graphic that there’d be a greater appreciation for what arya endured? probably not but i do wonder 

"the lannisters had taken everything: father, friends, home, hope, courage" underrated quote 

"most were women and children" she watched them kill a 3 yr old and his mother. she watched them gang rape women and behead one who tried to fight back. its so crazy when people try to frame this part of her storyline as like? a harmless camping trip......genuinely crazy. this is the most brutal storyline in asoiaf. so many takes re: arya are just callous as fuck considering the things she saw.

this chap makes the bwb seem like flops which i guess they are lol but still

its so bleak out here that we're missing aerys

its a literal death march

"but she'd come to know them all" she didnt pick the names at random. 

theres no violent intent attached to the prayer when she starts either - just hatred. its the only way she can cope with whats happening. 

the self hatred and the guilt that arya feels are whats hurting her the most. its killing her to have to watch these atrocities and be powerless to stop them. she needs to forgive herself. 

winterfell is teeny tiny compared to harrenhal

weasel is the first alias arya chooses for herself

harra and amabel suck tbh

first and last words of this chap are "fear" which says it all. arya is literally trapped within it

daenerys ii

kinda jarring to go from that directly to the city where everything is bright and colorful and everybodys tits are out

dany thinks of herself as jorah's "cub" which would be cute if he wasnt such a creep

xaro xhoan daxos got moneyyy how is he so rich that he makes illyrio look poor tho

"the floors were green marble" im moving in

xaro is all flattery about dany's beauty but she realizes its the dragons all will want to see

quiathe said "beware" and left like thanks for the wisdom queen!

nice detail that dany sends her women to check out the places where the men are forbidden

whenever dany thinks about ned i hear arya going: my father had honor!

dany is filled with self doubt but in the end said i will sit the iron throne and i dont give a fuck who knows it. bobby b’s death emboldened her for the moment 

bran iv

the reeds have already become bran's "constant companions" and he’s laughing/playing. love this for him

no knights no master at arms no maester @ greywater its just howland chillaxing

jojen already knows hes going to die and meera is in denial

the reeds really know whats up. bloodraven sent them to break bran's chains.

"with three you could see my heart" he saw arya's in his coma dream

bran is not happy to hear he has godlike powers

shaggy sensed an opportunity to maul and came running

i love how hodor was the only one who could get the wolves to back down

im on team magic stays in the end. 

#asoiaf reread #that arya chap is the most distressing in the entire series imo #just a level of brutality and powerlessness that isnt seen anywhere else

[raccoonfallsharder]

hii tiny lil violet anon here :DD sadly i havent been able to work on rocket fic bc suddenly theres been a huge influx in work to do & i’ve been super tired ߹𖥦߹ i hope youre doing well though! just wanted to pop in and wish you a nice day ٩( ᐛ )و♡

(side note: out of curiosity, how did you get into guardians of the galaxy and rocket specifically?)

tiny lil violet nonnie, you are too sweet && this made my morning thank yoooou ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. i’m sorry your work has gotten in the way of you doing more enjoyable things, and im so sorry it has you so exhausted! i hope you get to rest soon ♡

i’ve always loved comics but i was not really a marvel kid — mostly a dc/image/mirage kid. i’ve also always loved comics adaptions (my dad and i had a complicated relationship to put it mildly BUT i think we saw every batman movie ever made together, before the dceu…. happened). so i fell very easily into the marvel movies when they started coming out (except the hulk movies. i don’t believe in those.)

anyway i honestly just saw gotg 1 because it was a comic book movie. i didn’t know much about it walking in. i actually didn’t love the first movie in my first viewing. i can’t remember why - maybe i already hated chris pratt lol. i know i thought starlord as a character was kinda…boring. but what saved the movie for me was groot (adored him) and rocket (the minute we saw that fuckin raccoon’s back i was like…wtf why isn’t this movie about him??).

and you know. there was the snark. the voice. all that. i was in denial but it was there. im just predisposed to love a grumpy wounded person desperately trying to hide a heart of gold

then gotg 2 came out and i loved it. it was probably in my top three favorite marvel movies. it was so good i think it made the first movie better??? we got to see so much more of not just rocket’s backstory but who he is. how he interacts with people he loves. how he self-sabotages. how he shows care. i just wanted to bundle him up and protect him. and aside from rocket, this is also where i fell in love with yondu. and i am a sucker for a sibling dynamic (startling no-one) so i loved the nebula & gamora arc too.

i probably started rewatching both movies at this point. not obsessively but they were definitely comfort rewatches. and partner has the marvel unlimited app so i was catching up on a lot of the comics

narrative structure is also really important to me and i have a rigorous list of what makes a “”good” trilogy (different t from what makes a “fun” trilogy) and gotg is like. one of two or three trilogies that make the cut.

then 3. ugh. once the first trailer came out and it was clearly focused on rocket, i stayed away from all gotg media. put a pause on reading the comics — everything. i wanted to go in with no preconceived notions. a few things had happened to me in the year or so prior to the movie coming out. i’ll skip explaining those because they require their own content warnings and this is already very long but suffice it to say i was predisposed to feel very strongly about this movie.

so. 3 broke my heart but it also put it back together. i think it might be the most realistically hopeful movie i’ve ever seen. from a narrative perspective, each character is so loved by gunn. they were each given the ending they needed and deserved. but also i felt like the message of the movie was this:

no matter how fucked up and ugly you think you or your past are, you deserve to allow yourself the possibility of joy & connection.

and i just. i needed that. as a mental health professional, i think almost all the clients ive ever worked with have needed that. i think a lot of the world needs that.

anyway that’s how i fell in love

starlord still bores me tho

#rfh asks #tiny lil violet nonnie #gunn helped me become a benevolent creator of fanfiction lol #rocket raccoon #guardians of the galaxy #mcu

[pathologising]

out of curiosity, and you dont need to answer if you dont want to. for you, what does it mean to recover from bdsm? what aspects did you have to step away from, and what does the recovery look like? im asking because ive got a friend whos concerningly into cnc seemingly out of nowhere with a history of abuse, and while i understand the self-destructive need to it I am also worried about lasting repercussions in the long run

anyway, the mean anons can get bent. It's stupid to argue to INTENTIONALLY do the retraumatizing thing, with intention, as in, knowingly, as in, on perpose, as in, that is self harm you don't advocate cutters continue cutting because logically you know thats damaging but when its sex related suddenly its dont kink shame me

I was thinking abt how to answer this bc it is a ewally good question. For context I was in an extreme bdsm relationship prior to my current bf and also after that relationship I was in this kinda downward spiral of hooking up with people and participating in extreme bdsm with them as either sex work or casual sex. I was also dealing with my drug addiction at the time and to me sex was always violent or was always transactional due to my history of abuse.

For a good while I was in denial that anything was wrong and that what I was doing was fine and not retraumatising. When in reality the things I put myself through to feel some sort of affection was really only further warping my views on sex and relationships. Like I genuinely believed that sex was supposed to be violent because if I consented then it was fine and not detrimental to myself.

I think what really helped me realise that participating in extreme bdsm stuff was really unhealthy for me was a) my therapist and b) my current partner. I'm very lucky to have met my current partner because he refuses to do anything that might hurt me or warp how I view myself. Being with him has shown me how sex doesn't need to be violent or degrading and my therapist has helped me work through why I felt the need for sex to be destructive and violent.

Through them, I had to have moments where I was very introspective: "Why do I want this to happen to me? Why do I feel the need to be degraded and hurt during sex?" These are a few questions I had to ask myself among many others that helped me step away from the extreme bdsm lifestyle.

Also realizing that sex can be fun and exciting without being violent or retraumatising. Learning to find satisfaction in "mundane" sex with my partner has been a process but i honestly feel that it has helped how I see myself and changed my self worth.

It's a really hard thing to step away from especially if you are so used to sex being violent or whatnot. It really does take a lot of self introspection to see how re traumatizing that shit can be and how easy it is to live in self denial doesn't help.

I hope this makes sense to u lol I feel like im rambling but basically my therapist and my partner have helped me in stopping self destructive sex stuff. Also learning and remembering sex doesn't have to be violent to be fun. Also treating sex as a completely natural and neutral act of bonding has really helped. It's just a long process but it's definitely one that has helped me feel a lot better about myself and my body and sex in general.

#i hopeeee this makes sense #like it was a very long process to realising #2hat i was puttibg nyaelf through was really unhealthy #but i think im at a pretty good place (still unlearning a lot of harmful kinks but again its a process) #so abyway yeah the sex i have now is very swag and not retraumatising

[violentviolette]

is it normal when trying to research pds you might have to feel a kinda vehement denial about it? ive been researching aspd for years (finally got comfortable saying i have it) but just recently started looking into npd and it feels like every time i see a person talking about their experiences with it my brain gets really cagey about it. i'll go from "oh yeah i totally get x thing" to "i am absolutely NOT someone with npd" to trying to justify that thought to myself??? tbf i've gone through this before with aspd and having to slowly break down my hang ups about it but i'm just curious if this is normal or has some underlying meaning to it and isn't some crazy bought of internalized ableism that won't go away lol. i realize you might not be the best person to ask about this since you're professionally diagnosed iirc but i digress

oh yea i think thats absolutely a very common thing that happens and i think its kind of an expected part of the process, especially in the early stages. i think there's multiple factors and things that go into what builds those kinds of responses but i think its just kind of natural given the nature of all this stuff i never had that issue with my aspd diagnosis, because id been diagnosed with CD so early on i always knew i didnt have empathy and so i just didnt reject it like that. but the first time a therapist suggested i might have npd i flipped out about it internally lol i was like "oh absolutely not i definitly dont have that" and struggled and fought with it for a while. even once id accepted i probably did have it, i was still really mad about it i think it's kind of natural when uve thought about urself one way for a chunk of ur life, to at first reject anything that challenges that or says that u might be someone different and ur motives might not be what u thought they were. and i think this is exacerbated when u have a cluster b disorder because of all the stigma surrounding them and how much shame and negativity is just unavoidable

sometimes there's also the "uniqueness" factor. a lot of us experienced heavy rejection as kids and learned very quickly that we were not like others and our experiences were very different. this can create a kind of defensive bubble where we reject identifying with others in order to preserve that feeling of otherness/uniqueness/specialness because we have learned to find comfort in it and challenging that can break a lot of other maladaptive coping mechanisms we've built so we shy away from it. this can also go in the negative direction where we second guess ourselves by downplaying our own experiences and invalidating our symptoms. things like "oh well im not that bad they have it way worse i dont qualify cause its only a little" type of mindsets i also think for npd especially, there can be a kind of uncomfortableness with seeing our own symptoms reflected back at us at first. i have a hard time being close friends with other ppl with npd because when i recognize behaviors in them that i also do, i get really uncomfortable and embarrassed. it triggers a lot of my own insecurities and anxieties and so there's that initial knee jerk reaction to be like "im Not like that" even when deep down we know we are. i think thats understandable given our disorders and struggles and is just something that u have to work to slowly break down. npd comes with a lot of feelings of shame and rejection and so it just takes time to unwrite that instinct, but i do think it eventually goes away for most people especially if ur actively acknowledging it and working on it

#jack.speaks #anon #npd #cluster b pd #aspd #cluster b